Mike and Dylan debut their hilarious new segment "The OTHER SIDE" with an absolutely unhinged tale about a husband's nightmare experience at his wife's ultrasound appointment. After reading a standard AITA about a pregnant woman refusing to tell her husband their baby's gender after he skipped appointments, the guys flip the script with Mike's outrageous fictional explanation from the husband's perspective - featuring a wife who becomes inappropriate during doctor visits, leaving her horrified spouse making excuses to avoid future appointments.
Between gut-busting laughs that repeatedly derail their reading, the guys tackle workplace drama involving a child-hating coworker grabbing someone's son at a company barbecue. Mike demonstrates his impressive improv skills by freestyle riffing an alternative version where the "problem child" was actually the villain in the story. Their tangential debates touch on everything from Mike's IQ test results to Dylan's ad targeting with "Micro Wrestling", with occasional digressions about Ricky Gervais's take on cancel culture and Mark Zuckerberg's awkward humanity.
The episode takes a brief emotional turn when Dylan mentions he'll be putting his 14-year-old dog, Buddy down, but quickly returns to their trademark humor with discussions about Scientology, impressions, and their quest for podcast monetization.
Join the guys on their new more concise podcast "2 Daddies Judging Baddies" or stick with MADHD for the deep dives and rambling stories they're known for.
Submit your own drama for Mike and Dylan to solve at https://MikeAndDylan.com or join the conversation on their new subreddit r/MADHD https://www.reddit.com/r/MADHD/ or leave a voicemail at (424) 274-1016
About LaborLama
When they're not solving your drama or unpacking generational trauma, Mike and Dylan are behind LaborLama, a clothing brand dedicated to creating comfortable, quality clothes for people who work hard. Unlike those shady print-on-demand companies sending you mismatched shirts that fall apart after one wash, Labor Llama delivers clothing worth your hard-earned money. Check out their quality apparel at https://laborlama.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Bear nimble bound down my can dilate drama, but the Bow Wow,
are we rolling? Are we good?
Are we on? We're rolling all right, people
just saw me do the fat guy pool and it's not that I am
self-conscious about my fat. It says it sucks up to my
titties man and I don't like it.Like I'll show you all my
titties just completely fold them.
(00:21):
Under. Yeah, fold it under.
Can't do DRY underneath. No, because they don't pay for
that. If they paid for it, I would
give you all a good view of my titties all the time.
Well, they've requested only fans.
Might have to do that we're getting we're very, very close
to to starting the to having to start the only, but not by
choice like God Come on man, youthink all them prostitutes out
there were like, you know what Iwant to do when I grow up No,
(00:42):
it's always a. The thing is, is we were doing
good. And then like all the platforms,
as soon as they pay you, they'relike, hey, let's figure out a
way to not. To not to pay you anymore.
That was a good check. Let's let's not do that again.
So we started the podcast to like kind of build things up and
use it for content, and then that content doesn't go as far
as what it used to. And so, yeah, we're just kind of
(01:04):
like riding this line of. We got into starvation.
Yeah, we got into podcasting right after the big boom, so.
Not right after the big boom. The big boom happened like
during COVID and all that. Stuff always late to the party,
man. I told you Mike is always late
to the party. So we did fuck up by reading all
the stuff that we had at mikeanddylan.com because we
(01:25):
don't want, we ain't got no advice for y'all.
We would have advice if they would just go to
mikeanddylan.com, MIKEANDDY lan.com and submitted some
advice that they, I mean, we canfix their lives and they don't
want us to do it. Or if they went over to our
subreddit MADHD. That would be cool too.
We got like 18 people over there.
A 25, actually. Oh.
Shit, no way. Seven people in one and.
(01:47):
We've actually had like 3 comments in the past like 24
hours so. Look, yeah, y'all late to the
party, y'all late to the party, Party starting.
When you got to see Marshall Patrick with his nice bear esque
bear chest with nice Harry and then you with your leaf blower
and it was. Very It was a very sexy photo.
(02:08):
And then your Bieber pictures and my fuck you I'm drunk
picture and. So today's podcast is going to
be kind of a different one because we are reading to am I
the asshole? So the am I the asshole crowd
has eaten eaten this week back-to-back.
Am I the asshole podcast becauseone is 2 daddies, judge and
baddies. So one of the am I the assholes
(02:29):
that we're reading? I have not read before.
The other one I have read and I've actually done a TikTok on
it. But the reason that we're
reading this one today is we aregoing to debut our segment that
will debut next week on 2 Daddies Judge and baddies called
The other side, The Other side, the other side the other side.
Yeah, yeah, we got to do something like real cool with
it. Maybe we could turn the light.
Well, no, if we turn the lights off, no one would be able to see
(02:50):
us. But but it's where we give the
other perspective to that side of the story, to make the other
person the asshole or to make the other person or to make the
original store or the fucking the the story that the person or
the person that the story's about, not the asshole.
That's fucking tough. Because usually people write
them and then they try to make the other person look bad, and
(03:12):
so we're just giving that other person.
There's always two sides to every story, two sides to every
story. And look, it would be really
easy for Mike to just write a story where the other person
just the Dick. You know, we could go really
deep into this, like very like meta or I guess I'm probably
using that term wrong, but like we do the actual.
Am I the asshole that somebody wrote?
We do the other side and then wedo recruit.
(03:34):
Yeah, like. Oh man, I can't.
I can't do all that. That would be hilarious.
Yeah, I can't do all to like just.
Fish out like how much smoke wasblown between the two stories.
So the the other Side Story is they are funny.
The other side, they are a little bit outlandish because
like I said, I could just make it where the other person being
a Dick. That's not fun.
(03:55):
Oh, he hammed this one up. Yeah, they it's not.
Fun you are ready for. You better get ready for.
It is, it is a story. It is very much a story.
So we definitely need the feedback to what you guys think
about this and if you are or notor are not excited for the the
other side segment, the other side, the other side, Do we do
that every time we say the otherside?
It gets hilarious. Well, we got to figure out what
(04:17):
it's going to be because MM always, like, comes up with
these ideas and he's like, and then we're just going to have it
go bang boosh and we're going tohave fireworks and we're going
to do all this stuff. And I'm like, who's going to do
all that, Mike? And he's like, you, you got
this, right? Yeah, You made me appear twice
in one video. You can do anything.
I watch the McAfee thing on TikTok live.
I don't know what kind of podcast.
It's like a live podcast. I couldn't do that.
(04:39):
We have too many dark episodes. Too many dark minutes, yeah?
Yeah, because I'll be, you know,I'm sorry, I'm not racist, but I
do got a tier list and sometimesI say things and it's it's
rough. I think you're harder on the
ablest side of things than you are on the racism side of.
Things. We mean the ablest side of
things. Just like when you drop the R
word all the time. I don't drop the R word all the
(05:01):
time, just only when someone's being retarded.
I've never called somebody with like a.
Actual. Disability.
Yeah, I've never done that. Which I think even disability is
technically out these days, but.I never, and when I was a kid
too, I never saw like someone with Down syndrome, like, whoa,
a retard never did that. No, now like one of my friends
or a drinking or something. Yeah.
(05:21):
And then they fucking they're like, oh, what if I tied the,
the rope swing around my leg andthen I just swing off and then
they smack against the embankment.
Seen that happen. That's retarded like that.
Somebody should have told you that that was not a good idea.
Have you seen the like the throwback to like the 80s where
they're like the 80s commercialswere wild and they're talking?
About. Yeah, I was like, damn, they
(05:43):
were right. Yeah, straight on.
Are your kids? And it's especially good for
retarded children. And I'm just like, in that
instance, ban that. Yeah.
Don't ban me from calling my friends retarded though.
When they do very very, very, very dumb.
Yeah, like I've never. Come on, man.
Y'all got a y'all got to lightenup.
Are you ready to get in this one?
(06:04):
Hell yeah. Talking about it is like talking
about not saying retard feels more wrong than saying the word.
It just, it just feels weird. My dad.
Used to do occupational therapy like where he would help people
with disabilities get jobs and stuff.
And so he was hardcore like evenbefore it was not a thing to say
(06:26):
it. Like he was like, no, you're not
saying that because like he worked with people with like
that people would classify. So your dad was calling people
retarded? No.
If someone insinuates, if they're like, oh man, look at
all these men. You're saying that, look,
there's a kid with Down syndromeright there.
I'm like, you're calling that kid retarded.
You're saying you can't say thatword because it makes sense to
(06:47):
me. It makes sense to me, damn it.
No, he he just did that so that me and my sister want to call
each other names. Lame.
All right, am I the asshole for going off on my coworker after
she tried to discipline my kid at a work BBQ?
We should have done a other sidefor this one other side of the
cans. What'd you say?
Can you can? Oh, no, not now, because you're
(07:08):
just freestyling. Nah, Nah, we're not freestyling,
Mike. Freestyling funny ain't funny.
All right, I 31, female, workingmarketing at a mid size company.
We had a casual BBQ at my boss'shouse and we were told it was
fine to bring partners and kids.I brought my five year old son.
He's super social. Not perfect obviously, but
generally well behaved and respectful.
(07:29):
Biased everybody. Everybody has a sweet Angel.
Well, not perfect. She's admitting that he's he's
kind of a ruffian. That's like me talking about my
Dick. I'm like my Dick, man.
It's good. It's a great Dick.
It's not the biggest, but you know, it's a, it's a, it's a.
See what it could do? Yeah, it's a Dick.
And it's generally well behaved and respectful.
(07:50):
Enter Kelly. Fake name.
A Co worker in her late 30s who has no kids.
You can picture her as an average woman wearing this.
It's literally her. It's a link.
I'm sorry, guys. You're just going to have to
picture me. That's what that's what this is
what Kelly looks like. Yeah.
Sorry. Dylan didn't click on the
picture. We.
Didn't I don't click on link? We just have a black and white
bitcher. Well, she's probably one of
(08:10):
those pet parents. That's probably, she's probably
one of those people that's like,I've got my cute little pet or
my, what do they even call it, pet kid?
I don't, I don't know. I don't know.
It's retarded. Yeah, he went back to it has
said multiple times she doesn't like them and makes passive
comments whenever someone bringsa kid to the office, even for 10
(08:31):
minutes to pick up something. This is just a a sad bitch, man.
Like she is not she don't have agood life.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that whatever happened
in your life, nobody wants to mate with you so they won't give
you a kid. So now you're like the fucking
wicked witch of the West. Try on everybody.
Just terrible attitude. I hate people like that.
Like it's OK if you don't partake in it all right, but
don't talk shit and. Ruin it for everybody.
(08:53):
Else be a bitch. She acts like the mere presence
of a child gives her a migraine.At the BBQ, my son was playing
tag with some other kids in the yard.
They were loud, sure, but it's aBBQ outside with other kids.
Normal stuff. Out of nowhere I see I see Kelly
grab my son by the arm and snap at him.
You need to stop yelling. You're not at a zoo.
So as zoo was coming out of her mouth her I don't give a fuck
(09:15):
2025. I believe in equality.
Listen, all right, give the givethe ladies that extra 25% so we
can punch them. Not just, but now it's swift
left across the job. Yeah.
I mean, they're fucking with your kid.
A subtle but firm uppercut. I speak about this and honestly,
it's a work BBQ, so it can only go that far.
It's not at work, it's at the boss's house, which is kind of
(09:38):
weird. And he is definitely trying to
fuck somebody in the office. Secretary.
Yeah, he is definitely trying tofuck somebody in the office, but
Swift left across the job. You're not snapping the kids
anymore. I pick something in your life.
I swear to God, I thought I misheard.
My kid looked freaked out and came running to me.
I walked up to her and said something like, don't talk to my
child like that. If you have an issue, you come
(09:59):
to me. You don't touch them and you
definitely don't insult them. You say that after you punch
them like you got to look down on them.
It's a better perspective. She rolled her eyes and said
someone had to set boundaries since I clearly wasn't going to
punch him again and you got to do enough to get the job you
did. The first one, she probably
wouldn't have said that. I lost it.
I told her to stay away from my kid and she had no business
putting her hands on anyone else's child.
(10:20):
People definitely heard and it was awkward for sure.
Now she's been cold at work and another Co worker said I
overreacted has Kelly just and that Kelly was just trying to
help and on the SO. OK, so look, sometimes red is
the stupidest fucking place you can go on because why?
Nobody fucking said you were overreacted.
Not a single fucking soul. I guarantee there's somebody
(10:43):
that. There's no, I mean there might
be some people there like like bitches, but like I like you'll
see in the in the other Side Story, we also not only joke on
the story itself, what we kind of do like little meta jokes
that you have to like understand, like you've had to
read a bunch of these. Am I the assholes to get?
Well, I think one of the things is, is if you were to go back to
(11:03):
like older, like, you know, our parents generation, it would
have been completely acceptable for another parent to like
reprimand you. Like it.
It used to be acceptable for other people to like, you know,
talk to their to your kid and like tell them the business and
you know, like you'd get sent off to school and get paddled
and all that stuff. And that was completely
acceptable in this day and age. Like you do not.
(11:25):
I mean, there's a big differencebetween someone keeping an eye
on your kids and then they're ata fucking BBQ.
Where you're right there. Yeah, you're right there.
You don't. They're just being kids.
That's the one thing I can't stand about some parents is
like, they'll have kids and thenthe kid will be a kid and
they'll be like, oh fuck, I got to beat you for being like,
well, why are you yelling? Because they're a child.
They don't. I mean, you could be like, hey
(11:46):
man, inside voice, what are you doing?
Like my son was just like, fuck it.
He loves to whistle, but I also love to whistle.
When I whistle, it doesn't bother me, but when he whistles,
it bothers me. I'm like, bro, stop whistling.
He's like, you whistle. Yeah, he does all the time.
But you whistle. I'm like, yeah, I can.
I can't control my autism. I can control your autism.
But I can, I can carry a tune. You haven't learned that part
yet. Now he's getting pretty good at
(12:07):
it and he does the little Andy goo like that, that shit.
It would have been better if my lips weren't so fucking the
right strike. We're off the air now.
Yeah, well, it is a whistle too,so that sucks.
You can't tell if I was or was not playing it.
It's like they played a old raspy style on a fucking beeswax
player because my lips were dry.Yeah, my my dad taught me a cool
(12:31):
thing of how to whistle and hum.Have you ever done that before?
Yeah, but some what? Whistle and hum at the same
time. Yeah, do the little vibrating I
This probably sounds like shit to people.
They probably can't hear the whistle, and they do.
I'll turn off the voice. But it's like stories like this
that inspired us to do the otherside.
Because sometimes you don't needto.
(12:55):
You don't need to. Well, just give those.
The rough of like what you wouldhave done.
Forward This is not all that went on in this story.
Well, that's what I'm saying is go ahead and give like what what
the kid actually did and you don't have to go all the way
we're. In freestyle and other side
before you see what happens whenMike actually takes his time.
So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first.
This is the test. The other side, the other side,
(13:16):
the other side. All right, Am I the asshole for
disciplining? Discipline.
Disciplining. Yeah, Is that right?
Disciplining. Am I the asshole for
disciplining my coworkers child at a work BBQ?
All right, How old was she? I don't know. 30s.
(13:37):
OK, all right. I, Kelly, late 30s, work at a
midsize company. Over the weekend we went to a
casual BBQ at my boss's house and people were told it's fine
to bring partners and kids. Listen, I'm not really fond of
kids. I don't have any myself.
I don't find them to be, you know, respectable creatures.
(13:58):
But I can tolerate them. What?
What? Oh she didn't say I have to give
her a fake name. My Co worker, let's call her
Lynn, 31, female, has a son. Bro fuck this kid.
He's came to the office multipletimes and we everybody tries to
tell Kelly that, listen, your son is a fucking demon, like
(14:21):
he's going to be a serial killerone day, but we can't use those
exact words, so we have to tell her.
And, you know, slightly innuendois like, oh man, your kids being
really loud right now. And oh, man, your kid is
knocking over a lot of stuff right now.
And oh, man, your kid keeps talking about killing other
people outside, outside of school.
Maybe you should probably talk to him.
Lynn always gets or what? Did I give the fucking fake
(14:43):
bitch's name? This is why I can't do it.
OK, OK, Lynn's the mom all right, but Lynn always just
ignores us. I don't know how many times you
have to tell a bitch before she'll actually fucking get it.
She just doesn't understand. Fast forward to the BBQ.
They were outside, All the kids were playing, being kids.
Nothing wrong with that. Once again, I don't have them.
I'm not really fond of them, butI don't mind.
(15:06):
That's when I heard her son, probably around 11 years old,
talk about some kind of Grand Theft Auto game and said that he
was going to kill them like he kills the prostitutes in the
game. I thought that was a little bit
weird. So as I'm walking up to him, I
can also hear him saying, come here, you little whore.
(15:26):
I want to I want to have sex with you and then shoot you.
So I grabbed him by the arm and I said, look, kid, where?
Where's the part where she said,look, all right, you got to stop
yelling you not at the zoo. You also got to say stop saying
crazy shit like that. That's when Lynn walked up and
said, don't talk to my child like that.
If you have an issue, come to me.
You don't touch him, and you definitely don't insult him.
(15:47):
For one, I didn't insult him, all right?
If I were to insult him, I wouldhave said, hey, quit being
fucking crazy, you goddamn serial killer.
But I did not say that. She then said that.
She then told me to stay away from her kid and that she had no
business putting her hands on anyone else's child.
People definitely hurt and it was awkward for sure.
It was pretty awkward. Normally I wouldn't want to have
(16:09):
to grab a kid by the arm, but God damn it, how many times do
we got to tell Lynn that her sonis a fucking serial killer?
Needless to say, some Co workersat work believe believe that I'm
the asshole. One Co worker actually said that
Lynn overreacted and that I was just trying to help.
Maybe because she was close enough to realize how fucking
God awful that child is. So Reddit, am I the asshole?
(16:32):
Essentially that's what like theother side is like bro I just
fucking. That's so hard I can't.
Believe that you were looking atit and like reading and
freestyle and the story back into the thing that was that was
smooth. Listen, I did with operator, I
did a Mensa IQ test and it said my IQ was like 144, bro.
And then I did 1 and it said it was 138 with a standard
(16:54):
deviation of 15. So I just, I could tell people
that's 150. Just go up.
Yeah, I just go up. We don't go down.
We don't go. I'm like, no, I don't want to
stay out of the dumb, right? Well, I'm going to tell him
about my dad. So my, my dad back in the early
days of the Internet, they had like IQ tests on there and
everything. And so he sat me down and he's
like, hey, let's take this IQ test.
And so we did. And I scored higher on him,
(17:16):
higher on the test than he did. And he said he's like, that was
the dumbest move I ever made because literally from that
moment on, you, you thought you were smarter than me and like, I
just fucked up the whole situation.
Well God damn, now he's the man of the house.
He said. That's when I started acting
unruly. No, see that's what he felt that
what is it called insecurity from his son having a higher IQ,
(17:39):
which means nothing and you can recognize patterns really good.
And it's literally just a a bullshit test.
Bro the blocks like rearranging the blocks and then they have
the one patterns like where the fucking triangles in the circles
will shift. When I got into that, man, that
was pretty tough. Well, I mean, if you're good at
like figuring stuff out in gamesand things like that, like you,
you kind of have a leg up on somebody that doesn't do
(18:02):
anything like that. And like so there's like a lot
of mechanical aptitude and like random things that I.
Want to take it for real one seewhat I would get.
There was a. Sit there just like man, you're
like you're, you're smart, but you're also like retarded at the
same time. Like it's like a mix.
It's like though Elon Musk. I don't believe.
I don't believe Elon is a genius.
(18:24):
Well, The thing is, is like anybody that accomplishes
something really big has a bunchof smart people around them like
that. It's.
That's what I'm saying like if this podcast took off and we
hired a bunch of people that made the podcast like grow above
Joe Rogan's and then I'm like, Iam the sole re negating you too.
I am the sole reason I did this.That is my invention.
Everybody be like Mike. You're being a retarded brother.
(18:47):
Well, no, a lot of people do believe in that personality.
A lot of people believe that Elon Musk is the reason why
there's Teslas and you know, they're going to space.
Like he's like back there codingand doing all that stuff and
building the Rockets. Like, I mean, he, he definitely.
I mean, he might be a little. I don't know.
I don't look up enough Elon Muskstuff to know.
I've just seen him speak. It seems like words elude him.
(19:08):
But basically the big picture iswhat he's responsible for.
Like he's the one that allots. Yeah, like this is what the?
Company resources is what we're looking at and.
And that's why they get paid so much, but also also.
On Reddit, which is not a good place to look because you know
there's bias echo chambers in Reddit too.
No, there's none. There's no such thing as right.
Every everywhere everywhere is free.
But a lot of people who are a whole lot smarter when than I am
(19:31):
with technology was saying that he uses like a lot of you know,
wow, normal people and not just like not normal people, like not
we're not talking about like average people, but people that
don't fucking fuck with tech. He uses words that like wow them
just like you know me and I use words like fat titty monster,
because people that don't do comedy, they're like, haha, fat
(19:52):
titty monster is funny. God, that's so good.
If I say, you know, greasy, greasy titty nibbles like people
are just like, man, this is so good.
We're like mayonnaise Dick. But any other comedian, like
real comedian, Mayonnaise, Dick,not only Moon Pies, exactly.
All that stuff, all that stuff. I was going to bring that up
later. I just.
Did that for. Don't fold the maps.
Oh, yeah, yeah, fucking don't fold the maps.
(20:13):
But to other people they're like, oh, that's funny.
But to comedians, they're just like, he's doing simple stuff.
So maybe it's like that. All right, so now we're going to
get into the real. Am I the asshole that has the
other side that I wrote down andhopefully I did a good enough
job with the other one. Oh yeah, I think I, I think I
had the freestyle. That was me freestyle.
That was freestyle comedy right there.
(20:33):
That was Robin Williams. I felt like I felt him come
inside of my body. It was through my ass too.
So yeah, yeah, yeah, I got some Robin Williams splooge and
people were going to. That's how he would enjoy that.
OK, listen, cocaine is hell of adrug and the amounts that he
did, it really does. I've seen people get fucked up
by that and just they quit and they're just never happy again.
(20:55):
I'm like, brother, you got to doanother drug after that, like a
less scary drug. Anytime you do the big drugs
that like fuck with your serotonin, you got to go to the
smaller drugs. So that kind of gives you like
the fake serotonin, like stop smoking meth, do a little bit
Adderall, you know what I'm saying?
Grown up stuff. Yeah, just balance it out, like
try to keep yourself. Right.
If you're smoking crack though, I think I think we're too far in
(21:17):
the weeds for that one. Is there 1 to get off of that
like 'cause there's like methadone for is cope the the.
Bro suboxone is like a just another that's just like a
nastier form. Any time scientists make
something to either like the synthetic opiates, all the
(21:38):
others like the fucking whatever, whatever they make
that synthetic, that is a drug that is, you know, not, you
know, opium or. Yeah, it's removed from nature,
right? Yeah, that's.
Removed from nature, it is fucking way worse than the shit
that like heroin and then some boxing, some boxing's fucking
some boxing is just the what they created to say, hey, you
can't do this, you can do this. And then we, yeah, then we get
(22:00):
money off. Of it we sell it to you so.
All drugs would be legal if likethe government could sell.
It you know we're running fast though, right?
Because we're only 20 minutes into this guy and.
Oh no, I mean, we still got the story and then we got the other
side, and then we always have the other side.
The other side. Yeah, fuck, we're just going to
have to. You're not start adding that in
(22:20):
there 'cause I'm forget that we're supposed to whisper and
then I would be late on it and it's just going to look like I'm
doing it to be cool, but you're actually cool and like you got
the flow of it. You're saying the initial and
then I can just do the echo and then we're good to go, we're out
to the races. Here we go.
Am I the asshole for refusing totell my husband the gender of
our baby after he skipped going to the doctor's appointments
with me? Like who the fuck is going to
just be like, yeah, yeah, you don't want no part of that baby
(22:43):
already. Why?
You know fucking he ain't there to support you.
My husband and I are expecting. Really.
This is our first baby and we'reexcited.
The thing is, he barely attends any doctor's appointments with
me and his excuses aren't even valid.
He's willing to miss the doctor's appointments over
soccer or a drink or a board game with friends.
His response is always I'm not the one carrying the baby, why
(23:05):
do I have to go see the doctor with you?
Last week was my final straw. He was supposed to come with me
for the baby's gender reveal appointment, but he chose not to
come last minute because his friends invited him to a fish
and chips meal. I was pretty livid but didn't
make a fuss about it. Mom went with me instead.
He texted me asking him to tell the results, boy or girl, but I
refused to tell him. He kept spam calling me but I
(23:26):
hung up each time. He came home fuming, demanded I
tell him the results but I refused and bluntly told him
since he refused to attend the appointments he gets no results
until after the baby's born and I said I was willing to die on
this hill. He went off calling me spiteful
and immature for doing this and punishing him.
He said he's the father and he has the right to know.
He then called me dramatic sinceI wasn't alone and his and mom
(23:47):
was with me. He said I said he gets no
results period. He's been fuming about it and
told his family and now they're pressuring me to stop playing
mind games with him and tell himbut I declined.
So am I the asshole? I think that it's OK to like
make him sweat for a minute, butfor you to die on that hill and
(24:10):
not like, I mean, basically you could just tell him, hey, you
know, these are very important and you should be coming to them
with me. Well, I mean, technically come
to all of them, but like the important ones.
I would really like your support.
Please come bubble bubble. I bet if he went next
appointment he'd either find outthere from the doctor, she would
tell him. That's it.
It's not like you're never goingto know, but hey, they come to
the doctor's appointment with me.
(24:31):
So when you see stories like that already, you're just like,
man. Like, it feels weirdly like a
humble brag. Yeah.
Like, ha, ha. I did this to my husband.
This is the way I got back at him.
But you don't want to wear it like that.
At least wear it like that. Yeah.
Like, don't be like, no, you know, maybe I am being a Dick.
He doesn't want to attend doctor's appointment.
That's fucking. That's a Especially if he has
free time. He's going out for friends and
(24:51):
shit. A sign still delivered all
right, just like the little BBQ one which we could have done one
on but Dylan made me freestyle. Probably could have came up with
something better than Serial Killer Kid, but.
But we're not going to read it again.
Yeah, we're all right. I'm redo it.
All right, We're freestyle #2 yeah, we're going to invite
people over freestyle too. So we did an other side, the
other side of the side. Fuck yeah.
(25:14):
I'm not going to do that every time.
That's the last time we're doingthat.
We'll have a thing pop up. All right?
Just one time, have a thing pop up, but we're going to do the
other side to that story now. Yeah, look, Dylan Dylan's this
is the other side to this story,and it is.
Am I the asshole for not attending my or am I the asshole
for not attending doctor's appointments with my pregnant
(25:34):
wife? Throwaway account because I
suspect my wife hasn't read it. She does.
That's so funny, I like that. That's going to be on every
single one of them too. Also, I know how the title
sounds but hear me out. They always put that my wife, 29
female, is pregnant with our first child.
When I first heard the news, I knew immediately that I wouldn't
miss a doctor's appointment for anything in the world.
Or so I thought. It all started with the 8th week
(25:57):
appointment. There's still a slight disbelief
that there's a child growing inside of your wife when you're
a first timer. But to mob delight, they had an
ultrasound scheduled so I would get to see my baby with my own
eyes. Little did I know that my
delight would soon turn into horror.
After going to the bathroom, I walk back in the room and see my
wife in stirrups with her legs in the air and the ultrasound
lady in parentheses says don't know what they're called.
(26:18):
The guy doesn't know at all. Me neither.
Getting ready to put X-ray Lube on her stomach.
Everything is normal so far. This is where things get weird.
The lady goes to apply the Lube to my wife's stomach and my wife
lets out an incredibly loud moan, followed with fuck yeah
you like slamming up my belly, you dirty slut?
(26:40):
What? The ultrasound.
The ultrasound lady just smiles and continues as if she didn't
hear anything. Meanwhile, I'm looking at my
wife like Hank looks at the bookthat Walter left in the
bathroom. After a minute, I assumed I was
just going crazy and decided to ignore what just happened.
The ultrasound lady then pulls out that little wand they use to
look inside of your stomach and starts rubbing it across my
wife's belly to try to find the baby.
(27:01):
That's when my wife grips both sides of the hospital bed and
starts loudly moaning again. She looks directly at the lady
in the eyes and says yeah, rub that thing on my belly like The
Dirty whore I am. I paused for a moment before
literally making a time out gesture and nicely asking the
ultrasound lady for a moment of privacy.
She walks out of the room and I turn to the porn star that is
(27:23):
somehow shape shifted into my wife and ask her calmly but
directly what the fuck is happening.
She then drops a bombshell on me.
Apparently my sweet loving wife is turned on by OBGYN
appointments. She don't know why but it's to
the point of orgasms. The ultrasound lady didn't have
a reaction because this was her OB and they are well aware of
who she is. She also said it was wrong to
(27:43):
judge her when it happens because she can't control it.
Asked her how the fuck am I not supposed to judge her when she
turns into Riley Reid anytime this lady touches her.
Before she can answer, the ultrasound lady walks back in
and my wife gives me a tender smile and gently pass my arm
like I didn't just enter a Twilight zone episode.
She starts trying to find the baby again and I can see my wife
is visibly trying to hold back her pleasure.
(28:04):
Look, it's still weird but I'll take her trying to hold it back
over The Dirty talk. After a minute, a little tiny
outline of a baby pops up on thescreen.
It's crazy to see something as simple as a black and white BLOB
on a computer and be able to understand that from this moment
on you would give your life for that BLOB.
The ultrasound lady asks us if we can if we can see it and I
reply yes ma'am. With a smile on my face that
(28:26):
stretches ear to ear, I briefly thought that nothing could ruin
this moment before I hear my wife say yes, Mommy, we can see
the baby. The words themselves wouldn't
have really gotten to me, but for some reason, she said it
like a baby. I looked down at my wife, who
was practically vibrating on thehospital bed at this point.
I wanted, I wanted to be aborted.
The ultra. The ultrasound lady then starts
(28:47):
wrapping things up. She grabs a towel to wipe off my
wife's stomach. I gesture for the towel.
If my wife is going to be weirdly sexual at the doctor's
office, at least be sexual with me.
The lady walks out and I take the towel and wipe it across her
stomach, expecting something sexual to happen, but nothing.
She just stares at me blankly. I thought the appointment was
over until the doctor walked in.That's when my wife continued
with the baby talk. She said using a baby voice.
(29:09):
Is that Doctor Patel over there?The doctor looked visibly
uncomfortable. My wife continued, still using
baby talk. You know, Doctor Patel's hands
can fit anywhere Mama needs themto fit.
It was at this point that DoctorPatel started to do that little
Roman cross thingy and silently said a prayer to himself.
As this elderly little Indian man turned around, I could see
(29:30):
the absolute horror that was in his face and could understand
what was about to unfold. I decided I couldn't stand to
see anymore. I excused myself from the room.
As I went to leave, Doctor Patelgrabs my arm and whispers in my
ear. Please don't go.
That was it for me. I made a bee line to the parking
lot and sat in the car for the rest of the appointment.
About 45 minutes later, my wife walks out of the appointment.
She gets in the car and tells methat she's hungry before going
(29:52):
on about a new fish and chip spot that opened a few blocks
down, completely glossing over the fact that she turns into a
succubus around doctors. Ever since that day, anytime she
tries to get me to go to an appointment with her, I always
make up an excuse like I have something important that I need
to attend to. Last week I forgot about her
doctor's appointment and when she asked if I could go with her
I had to make something up on the spot and this time I said I
was going to go have fish and chips with my boys.
(30:14):
Now I know that doesn't sound important but I couldn't think
of anything in the moment. I can't stand to see my wife
sexually assault doctors with her words.
But now since I've since I've not been going to the doctor's
appointments, she won't tell me the gender of the child because
apparently the last appointment was the gender appointment,
which is a really big one that adad should definitely go to
unless he doesn't want to hear or unless he doesn't want to see
(30:35):
his wife come on a hospital table.
I will. I have not attended another
doctor's appointment since and Inever plan on going with my
wife. Some people close to me says
that I am king shaming her and that I should support her
through anything and I now thinkthose people are on the spectrum
and no longer value their advice.
So that's the that's the fuckinglow clip.
I put it on the the This person says that I'm overreacting.
(30:57):
So Reddit, am I the asshole? There are two edits, all right?
You had to edit twice because I guess some of the comments all
right, Some commenters, some commenters on here saying that I
should use that or sorry, some commenters on here saying that I
should use this as a sort of role play with my wife to spice
up the bedroom. We have tried this.
(31:17):
It does not work. For some reason.
She has to be in a real doctor setting with a real doctor and
we aren't when when we are role-playing, she doesn't view
me as a real doctor. So I get none of the reactions
that she's given the doctors andnurses.
Honestly, outside of the whole weird doctor thing, she has a
very great wife and I know she'll be a good mom to our
child. I may just have to take up
drinking. I'm going to form a nice little
alcohol addiction to forget about what went down at the
(31:38):
doctor's office. And then edit 2 says the baby is
here. The birth went about as horrible
as you would expect. Not only was she having an
intense orgasm, but she also tried to unzip my pants right
there in front of all the doctors.
I was going to look up some therapy for her, but I think I'm
just going to look up a nice little therapist for myself.
And there you go. That's the reason he didn't want
to go to these fucking doctor's appointments.
She don't want to tell everybodythat she's got damn got this
(32:02):
doctor fetish, this OBGYN. She likes a little pap smear.
I'll cut it off, daddy. I think that's pretty dope
though. And, and what it does is it sets
apart, it sets us apart from thesmoshes, from the 2 hot takes.
So one day we can overcome them all right?
And then we switch to like a DMTalien podcast and then we
overcome Joe Rogan all right. And then we.
(32:24):
Just conquer them one at a time.One at a time.
And then our voice will be loud enough to where we will be able
to make a social media platform that will overtake Facebook.
And then I will be able to crushMark Zuckerberg.
That's the that's the game plan.That's the goal and it's going
to happen. I will smite that Android.
Yes, he's not human. I love the fucking little
interview he did and or where he's like addressing Mehta and
(32:47):
everybody and he has a bottle ofsweet baby rays on a shelf
behind him with like, you know, fucking collectibles and shit.
He has a just a bottle of sweet baby rays.
Like, yes, this is what humans like, is this human for you
humans? Yeah, yes.
Do you enjoy the humanity? I enjoy sweet baby rays.
Delicious. Hmm.
Yummy. It is a tasty one.
(33:09):
I will censor you to no end. Yeah, if you do not agree with
one I want you to agree with youdo not have a voice.
Well, the funniest thing about. That I thought we pay you too
much. Yeah, I got to fucking cut that
out. Well, that's the thing.
The whole thing is about money. So like they censor so that they
can keep the advertisers and then they don't pay us so that
they can keep the money that theadvertisers then paid them.
(33:31):
It's all just whatever way they can amass more.
I announced on social media thatI wasn't going to, We weren't
going to make any more like content for the social media
platforms. We'll see.
I think the people misconstrued that, like you said, you weren't
going to do Mike and Steve content.
You didn't say no more content. You just said like the Mike and
Steve thing, It's it's ran its course.
You've done them all like it. It doesn't make sense to keep
(33:54):
pulling on that thread. So we've moved into podcasting
and I, I think you didn't mention the point that like,
yes, there will be content that still comes out podcast related
and then possibly, you know, other stuff in the future, but
it's. All I'm saying is we got to skip
series instead of like people and like, you know, Mike and
Dylan gave up on the social. No, we would rather, instead of
(34:14):
quit, we would rather be taken out.
So the shit that's going to start in a couple days for when
is this, This is Wednesdays, right?
Wednesday. Yeah, Yeah.
So probably Monday at the latestis when you'll have the first,
the first of these skits. And you will understand why
because we're going hard. I'm a I'm a fucking hammer.
All these goddamn platforms talkshit about them.
(34:35):
And it's going to be real funny.Like I'm a do it in a funny way.
They're going to be funny skits.It involves me using a lot of
face plant, paint plant, and unfortunately there are some
platforms whose colors are black.
So sorry guys, got to do a little bit of blackface.
Just pretending to be marine like that one.
Now we're. Going to blur them out.
TikTok is going to be blurred out.
That's a funny thing about it. And his voice is going to be
(34:57):
just going to be like this. And then we're like why is his
voice like that is like all cuz he's doing like a Chinese
accent. So it's like me censoring myself
for it. And I think that's AI think
that's a really dope thing to do, but I hope you guys enjoyed
the other side fucking. There's going to be a
reoccurring segment on 2 Daddies, Judge and Baddie
starting next week. I don't know if it'll be the
very first podcast. We have a lot of things that
(35:17):
we're dealing with. father-in-law still in there and
Dylan still in with some personal issues.
I don't know if he wants to get into it, but some sad stuff.
Yeah, by the time this airs, we're recording this on Monday
and tomorrow we're going to haveto put my dog down South.
I will not be here at the office.
Doing he said dog it sound like he said daughter.
(35:38):
Dog down. Yeah.
Dog. Dog down.
Dog. To me it sound like maybe I'm
tripping. Listen to it back and see if
it's out. Sounds like a dog down.
I thought I was like, did he sayhe was going to put his daughter
down? But yeah, he is.
Unfortunately, they're putting Buddy to sleep.
Great dog. Listen.
He's at 14 years. I told you I don't like dogs.
Buddy comes around. Buddy's chill.
(35:59):
He's just a good dog. He's just chill.
He's always been great, like he's.
He'll hang around you and then if you like, even if you feel
like you don't want him, just like hanging around.
So he'll just walk off. And I was like, man, that dog,
that's a, that's a good dog right there.
My dogs, they'll be like, oh, doyou want me to go?
Cuz I'll, I'll lick your face. Yeah, I'll just like.
See it's wild cuz he's reached the point where he can't see
(36:21):
really well or hear really well.And so when I get home, he
doesn't know I'm home until he smells like eventually, like
he'll wake up and sniff the air and he's like, oh, Dad's home.
And then I'll just hear him liketrotting through the house
looking for where where I'm at and he'll come find me.
But like he knows that I'm home by smell, not by.
You know family got Herbert the perverts dog and then like his
(36:42):
back legs drive drag behind him.That's a good noise for the
paper boy. Got some good news?
I could never do that voice. So the I still haven't mastered
that whistling. I don't try the voices.
That's one thing. I was like, I can never be a
comedian because I don't want todo impressions.
Because I thought I'd like to bea comedian.
You have to do impressions. Do a shit ton of them.
Yeah, but I don't want to. Like every time you want to get
(37:05):
serious, you go into Joker mode and then when you want to be
like super like energy wise, yougoing to Dave Chappelle and
then. I mean, I have a guy, like I
said, I thought that's what it took so I practiced on.
So now I just don't practice on him a lot so I'll never do stand
up. Jamie Foxx is the goat.
Oh God. He's so good, man, and he's a
great actor and he could sing, but Jamie Foxx, look, somebody
(37:28):
send this to Jack. Fuck you Jamie Foxx for being so
God damn talented. Yeah, give some talent to them.
Jesus Christ could have saved a little for me.
Django Unchained man so good. Anybody else other than Jamie
Foxx, it wouldn't have been as good.
He's just, he's good man. Was he at daddy parties?
Yeah, I hope not. Now that would be a sad one to
see go down. There's been a lot of sad ones
to see go down. He seems like a more of a Family
(37:50):
Guy than most of the other. Yeah, but Carl from Family
Matters, he was there. Really.
Yeah. Or allegedly.
Allegedly. Allegedly.
I heard that from something. Some social platforms.
Yeah, I'm becoming an old man. I see a me or I see a fucking
real and I just believe everything on there.
I didn't do any research to verify whether these are facts,
(38:11):
but I will tell I will. Tell it as facts right now and
all right, they're trying to hityou with the Jewish space laser.
So. I love when when the frog's gay,
when somebody calls them out on that be like, well, I saw
something, OK, but like, here's all the facts of what actually
happened. Right.
Listen buddy, if you are not doing your research, don't talk
to me about it, OK? Just tell me where you're doing
your research at. Well then it wouldn't be as good
(38:32):
research. Just give me a tell me a
location God damn like. You do your own research.
Yeah, like, give me a fucking link or something though,
because that's the funniest thing.
And people will be like a sourceand they'll be like, do your
research and you'll find out if you've done it.
You could source me to something.
Yeah, just fucking source me to money doing.
Your job for you that's. What I said, They're real crazy
people though. They're not the majority on
(38:53):
either side and we love everybody.
God fucking and everybody is right and everybody is pure and
fuck y'all, I'm in, in this pot fucking have a good day.
Go to mikeanddylan.com. Give us some advice so we can
give people advice. All right?
If my brain, if I, if we collectively have a bunch of
advice to do, then you ain't gottime for Mike to get in that
(39:13):
stuff. But if Mike's just fucking
spitballing, we're going to get there, all right.
Check out two daddies, Judge andBaddies especially.
Make sure to share to your friends.
Yeah. Share to you, share to your
friends. We're so close to to hitting the
monetization numbers on here. Well, and one thing that I
wanted to ask you guys, and you guys can either comment down
below or go on to the subreddit.We have actually got a whole
(39:34):
bunch of clips and like we can only put out so many clips from
the podcast if you guys want to share any of those clips on your
platforms. Oh yeah.
Yeah, we'll get free range to a Google Drive.
Would you about? That would you be interested in
doing that because we would loveto just, you know, have them
there for you and well. If you make if you make content
too, because everybody like you don't have to be have, you know,
millions of fucking followers tobe a kind of if you want to use
(39:56):
use, you know, clips from it will have the clips over there
and they've already been you ranthrough like Opus and that shit.
So you ain't got to fucking do all the stuff to it and like
we're giving you free reign on it.
I ain't going to fucking strike you on anything.
But if you guys are into that just let us know cuz we'll we'll
make that available. Yeah, and if you're into Midget
porn also let us know too, cuz we can.
That's the mic thing. We gotta have it.
(40:16):
We gotta have an only band genre.
You know that there's like Midget wrestling.
Or is Midget the midget's not the?
Correct. You're not saying little person,
man, Come on. I don't think little persons are
the correct term anymore either.I think that was.
God, people have heightened people.
Wait, what is heightenedlessness?
Like what the fuck? I don't.
It's just like unhoused people, man.
Motherfucker's homeless. You got a home?
No homeless. Unhomed so my buddies were he's.
(40:42):
De housed. He's been he's been unconfined
to a residential area. Lessness.
I don't fucking know, man. I'm tired of this shit.
So my buddy, they have this bandthat is based around characters
and they wanted to do this musicvideo.
And so they were trying to set up this meeting.
(41:03):
And when they were trying to setup the meeting, they're like,
can we just meet after this wrestling match or whatever?
And I was like, what, what is this?
I don't know anything about it. And so they send me a link and
it is for Midget wrestling. And once I clicked on that link,
now all my ads and every single social platform is just like
this Midget wrestling is coming up da da, da, da.
(41:24):
And so now I am, I guess, a fan of Midget wrestling.
There was a beautiful time when you could just say something
like if someone doesn't like yousaying retard, they don't like
saying Midget. Don't watch us.
Yeah, it just turns. Like hey man, I'm not, I don't
fuck with these guys cuz they say those words that I don't
like. Everything else we like but
those words. Not it, bud.
What was it? Is it who's the guy that did the
(41:45):
original Office over in Ricky Gervais?
Yeah, he, he made a good point on that is like, you know, just
because you're offended doesn't mean that like.
My Gervais, man, he makes a lot of good points.
Anybody who makes as many good points as he does is just trying
to make good points like him. Fucking moist, critical, all
those guys, they just, they just, they're like, here is the
(42:06):
reality. Fuck that shit.
Like, ruffle a few feathers, allright, Just call everybody gay
and just move on. Well, that's what he was saying
was like just because you're offended doesn't make the joke
offensive. Like you can be upset by the
words that were said or whatever.
However, what I said was not necessarily offensive.
Like you can take it however youwant to and spin it and make it
your thing that you want to die on, but it's not technically
(42:29):
offensive. It's it's just you taking
offense. Like I can't help you taking
offense to things. That's a you problem, not a me
problem. And the way that he broke it
down, I was like, I know that's pretty much cancel culture in a
nutshells like that's. That's the easy take, Ricky.
Do the hard take. He's got it.
That's good. Start spamming the N word.
OK, he he. Created your your office that
(42:51):
you love so much. He did.
And without him you wouldn't have Steve Carell being he's the
best boss in the world. That's my autism, bro.
That's my autism show though. I fucking, I watch it and then
I'll be like, man, I'm gonna watch something new and then I
just watch it. I've been watching actually.
My name is Earl. I get really pissed off because
(43:11):
I never finished it so. They did a really good
documentary. What's his name?
Jason. Yeah, I know you're talking
about he did a documentary. I mean, it wasn't super good,
but like he's big into like filmphotography now.
And so you're just like kind of I.
Was just about to talk about that.
Yeah, I follow him on Instagram.He does.
He'd be taking all them pretty pictures.
But there's a real cool like. Is he an Scientologist?
(43:32):
No, I don't think so. He's just, I think he's just a
normal guy. Is anything I think he's in.
I think he's got some kind of weird thing going on.
I don't know. Look, let me look it up for
allegedly. Yeah.
Before I smear his name. What is his name?
Jason What? Jason.
Look, I'm gonna look up Alan andChipmunks cast easy but.
He used to be a skateboarder andthen he got into acting and
comedy and then did all that stuff.
(43:55):
But yeah, now he was driving around in this old, I want to
say it was like a Lincoln Continental or Lincoln Lincoln
Continental. Fountain car or something?
Was he not? Yeah, he was.
Jason Lee. There we go.
Yeah, Jason Lee. One of the easiest last names to
remember. Nah, because we're going to
settle this right now because I'm not going to like get off of
here. And are you?
Going to confirmation bias yourself and be like.
(44:17):
No, no, no, no, because I don't want to like leave an ambiguous,
I don't want to say something, it's not real.
And then? How are people supposed to go
around and tell everybody that Jason Lee is in Scientology?
He's not Oh yeah, he is a Scientologist.
OK, sounds that sounds like he'sin some What is what is I'm
scared to look at what Scientology believes in because
like I said, my mushy brain is acceptable to.
(44:38):
See, my thing is, is like the religion of the person doesn't
really matter though. Like I mean he unless he's going
around and like forcing it upon other people, then it matters.
But if he's literally just a Scientologist and he's still
just a normal guy outside of that, like I don't.
Care the media do be listen, some of there's some religions
that I'd be thinking they're on to something because like the
media that they'll they'll shit on Scientology a lot.
(45:00):
So they go after him a lot. So that's that's when I start
thinking, oh man, maybe they're on to something.
Yeah. And then Jews will not let you
become a Jew. They are just like they're the
only religious organization thatdon't want you there.
They're like, we got enough people.
Well, they don't proselytize, but you can become a.
Yeah, you got to like go throughall this training and stuff like
that and they know that everydayperson is not going to fucking
do that. They're not letting people in.
So that's why I'm like what theygot going on over there.
(45:22):
All I'm saying is if I had the keys to paradise, my paradise
motherfuckers ain't getting my paradise.
Lock everybody out. I want to see what Scientology
we need to bring a Scientologist.
All right, if you are a Scientologist and you want to be
on the podcast is what our firstone's going to be.
The podcast is going to be you trying to convert me to
Scientology. And at the end of the episode,
(45:45):
Mike will be converted and he will give away all his money to
level up inside of the Scientologist.
And they got a lot of celebrities though, man, they
got a lot of of, of pool over there.
That's how you do it though I think they involved.
An alien called Zenu. I'm already on board, bro.
They got aliens. Yeah, they got an alien called
Zeno, described as a planetary ruler 70 million years ago, who
(46:06):
brought billions of aliens to Earth and killed them with a
thermonuclear weapons. I'm gonna stop reading this
before I get killed by the Church of Scientology cuz I had
that little listen. You're probably just gonna be,
yeah. It's not for me.
It's not for me. Until we have the Scientologist
on he converts you. Yeah, someone said that cuz I
(46:27):
don't know Jesus I'm gonna die and go to hell so.
I mean, you know, Jesus doesn't imagine you, probably.
I talk. I talk to God.
I ain't got to know his name. I ain't got to know if he's
Jesus, Yahweh, Christian. I ain't got to know who it is.
All I know is Bam gives me strength to get to my day.
That's all I got to do. Go out there.
(46:48):
And all I'm saying is there's a fucking omnipotent, Yeah, you
got it. Yeah.
He knew exactly what he was making when he made me.
He was putting it together. He's like, this is going to be a
motherfucking menace, bro. He is going to ruin a lot of
days. He's going to make a lot of
days. For some reason, he's going to
rap at one point, you know, Eminem ruined rap for.
I looked at this little article a guy wrote about how Eminem
(47:11):
ruined rap for other white people with the song Sing for
the Moment. Because when he's like, these
ideas are nightmares to white parents whose worst fear as a
child would dye hair, who likes earrings that kind of
stereotyped every single white rapper that would come after
Eminem. So everybody just thinks like,
he's like, man, my step dad's mean and I don't like them.
Which kind of would have been mine.
(47:31):
Yeah. My fucking dad walked out,
stepped out like, yeah, we were in trap houses and stuff.
So it was like a little bit closer.
But essentially, that's what it would have been.
All right, guys, I think this has been a great fucking fun ass
podcast. I loved it.
And we will see you guys next time.
Later.
Bear nimble bound down my can dilate drama, but the Bow Wow,
are we rolling? Are we good?
Are we on? We're rolling all right, people
just saw me do the fat guy pool and it's not that I am
self-conscious about my fat. It says it sucks up to my
titties man and I don't like it.Like I'll show you all my
titties just completely fold them.
(00:21):
Under. Yeah, fold it under.
Can't do DRY underneath. No, because they don't pay for
that. If they paid for it, I would
give you all a good view of my titties all the time.
Well, they've requested only fans.
Might have to do that we're getting we're very, very close
to to starting the to having to start the only, but not by
choice like God Come on man, youthink all them prostitutes out
there were like, you know what Iwant to do when I grow up No,
(00:42):
it's always a. The thing is, is we were doing
good. And then like all the platforms,
as soon as they pay you, they'relike, hey, let's figure out a
way to not. To not to pay you anymore.
That was a good check. Let's let's not do that again.
So we started the podcast to like kind of build things up and
use it for content, and then that content doesn't go as far
as what it used to. And so, yeah, we're just kind of
(01:04):
like riding this line of. We got into starvation.
Yeah, we got into podcasting right after the big boom, so.
Not right after the big boom. The big boom happened like
during COVID and all that. Stuff always late to the party,
man. I told you Mike is always late
to the party. So we did fuck up by reading all
the stuff that we had at mikeanddylan.com because we
(01:25):
don't want, we ain't got no advice for y'all.
We would have advice if they would just go to
mikeanddylan.com, MIKEANDDY lan.com and submitted some
advice that they, I mean, we canfix their lives and they don't
want us to do it. Or if they went over to our
subreddit MADHD. That would be cool too.
We got like 18 people over there.
A 25, actually. Oh.
Shit, no way. Seven people in one and.
(01:47):
We've actually had like 3 comments in the past like 24
hours so. Look, yeah, y'all late to the
party, y'all late to the party, Party starting.
When you got to see Marshall Patrick with his nice bear esque
bear chest with nice Harry and then you with your leaf blower
and it was. Very It was a very sexy photo.
(02:08):
And then your Bieber pictures and my fuck you I'm drunk
picture and. So today's podcast is going to
be kind of a different one because we are reading to am I
the asshole? So the am I the asshole crowd
has eaten eaten this week back-to-back.
Am I the asshole podcast becauseone is 2 daddies, judge and
baddies. So one of the am I the assholes
(02:29):
that we're reading? I have not read before.
The other one I have read and I've actually done a TikTok on
it. But the reason that we're
reading this one today is we aregoing to debut our segment that
will debut next week on 2 Daddies Judge and baddies called
The other side, The Other side, the other side the other side.
Yeah, yeah, we got to do something like real cool with
it. Maybe we could turn the light.
Well, no, if we turn the lights off, no one would be able to see
(02:50):
us. But but it's where we give the
other perspective to that side of the story, to make the other
person the asshole or to make the other person or to make the
original store or the fucking the the story that the person or
the person that the story's about, not the asshole.
That's fucking tough. Because usually people write
them and then they try to make the other person look bad, and
(03:12):
so we're just giving that other person.
There's always two sides to every story, two sides to every
story. And look, it would be really
easy for Mike to just write a story where the other person
just the Dick. You know, we could go really
deep into this, like very like meta or I guess I'm probably
using that term wrong, but like we do the actual.
Am I the asshole that somebody wrote?
We do the other side and then wedo recruit.
(03:34):
Yeah, like. Oh man, I can't.
I can't do all that. That would be hilarious.
Yeah, I can't do all to like just.
Fish out like how much smoke wasblown between the two stories.
So the the other Side Story is they are funny.
The other side, they are a little bit outlandish because
like I said, I could just make it where the other person being
a Dick. That's not fun.
(03:55):
Oh, he hammed this one up. Yeah, they it's not.
Fun you are ready for. You better get ready for.
It is, it is a story. It is very much a story.
So we definitely need the feedback to what you guys think
about this and if you are or notor are not excited for the the
other side segment, the other side, the other side, Do we do
that every time we say the otherside?
It gets hilarious. Well, we got to figure out what
(04:17):
it's going to be because MM always, like, comes up with
these ideas and he's like, and then we're just going to have it
go bang boosh and we're going tohave fireworks and we're going
to do all this stuff. And I'm like, who's going to do
all that, Mike? And he's like, you, you got
this, right? Yeah, You made me appear twice
in one video. You can do anything.
I watch the McAfee thing on TikTok live.
I don't know what kind of podcast.
It's like a live podcast. I couldn't do that.
(04:39):
We have too many dark episodes. Too many dark minutes, yeah?
Yeah, because I'll be, you know,I'm sorry, I'm not racist, but I
do got a tier list and sometimesI say things and it's it's
rough. I think you're harder on the
ablest side of things than you are on the racism side of.
Things. We mean the ablest side of
things. Just like when you drop the R
word all the time. I don't drop the R word all the
(05:01):
time, just only when someone's being retarded.
I've never called somebody with like a.
Actual. Disability.
Yeah, I've never done that. Which I think even disability is
technically out these days, but.I never, and when I was a kid
too, I never saw like someone with Down syndrome, like, whoa,
a retard never did that. No, now like one of my friends
or a drinking or something. Yeah.
(05:21):
And then they fucking they're like, oh, what if I tied the,
the rope swing around my leg andthen I just swing off and then
they smack against the embankment.
Seen that happen. That's retarded like that.
Somebody should have told you that that was not a good idea.
Have you seen the like the throwback to like the 80s where
they're like the 80s commercialswere wild and they're talking?
About. Yeah, I was like, damn, they
(05:43):
were right. Yeah, straight on.
Are your kids? And it's especially good for
retarded children. And I'm just like, in that
instance, ban that. Yeah.
Don't ban me from calling my friends retarded though.
When they do very very, very, very dumb.
Yeah, like I've never. Come on, man.
Y'all got a y'all got to lightenup.
Are you ready to get in this one?
(06:04):
Hell yeah. Talking about it is like talking
about not saying retard feels more wrong than saying the word.
It just, it just feels weird. My dad.
Used to do occupational therapy like where he would help people
with disabilities get jobs and stuff.
And so he was hardcore like evenbefore it was not a thing to say
(06:26):
it. Like he was like, no, you're not
saying that because like he worked with people with like
that people would classify. So your dad was calling people
retarded? No.
If someone insinuates, if they're like, oh man, look at
all these men. You're saying that, look,
there's a kid with Down syndromeright there.
I'm like, you're calling that kid retarded.
You're saying you can't say thatword because it makes sense to
(06:47):
me. It makes sense to me, damn it.
No, he he just did that so that me and my sister want to call
each other names. Lame.
All right, am I the asshole for going off on my coworker after
she tried to discipline my kid at a work BBQ?
We should have done a other sidefor this one other side of the
cans. What'd you say?
Can you can? Oh, no, not now, because you're
(07:08):
just freestyling. Nah, Nah, we're not freestyling,
Mike. Freestyling funny ain't funny.
All right, I 31, female, workingmarketing at a mid size company.
We had a casual BBQ at my boss'shouse and we were told it was
fine to bring partners and kids.I brought my five year old son.
He's super social. Not perfect obviously, but
generally well behaved and respectful.
(07:29):
Biased everybody. Everybody has a sweet Angel.
Well, not perfect. She's admitting that he's he's
kind of a ruffian. That's like me talking about my
Dick. I'm like my Dick, man.
It's good. It's a great Dick.
It's not the biggest, but you know, it's a, it's a, it's a.
See what it could do? Yeah, it's a Dick.
And it's generally well behaved and respectful.
(07:50):
Enter Kelly. Fake name.
A Co worker in her late 30s who has no kids.
You can picture her as an average woman wearing this.
It's literally her. It's a link.
I'm sorry, guys. You're just going to have to
picture me. That's what that's what this is
what Kelly looks like. Yeah.
Sorry. Dylan didn't click on the
picture. We.
Didn't I don't click on link? We just have a black and white
bitcher. Well, she's probably one of
(08:10):
those pet parents. That's probably, she's probably
one of those people that's like,I've got my cute little pet or
my, what do they even call it, pet kid?
I don't, I don't know. I don't know.
It's retarded. Yeah, he went back to it has
said multiple times she doesn't like them and makes passive
comments whenever someone bringsa kid to the office, even for 10
(08:31):
minutes to pick up something. This is just a a sad bitch, man.
Like she is not she don't have agood life.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that whatever happened
in your life, nobody wants to mate with you so they won't give
you a kid. So now you're like the fucking
wicked witch of the West. Try on everybody.
Just terrible attitude. I hate people like that.
Like it's OK if you don't partake in it all right, but
don't talk shit and. Ruin it for everybody.
(08:53):
Else be a bitch. She acts like the mere presence
of a child gives her a migraine.At the BBQ, my son was playing
tag with some other kids in the yard.
They were loud, sure, but it's aBBQ outside with other kids.
Normal stuff. Out of nowhere I see I see Kelly
grab my son by the arm and snap at him.
You need to stop yelling. You're not at a zoo.
So as zoo was coming out of her mouth her I don't give a fuck
(09:15):
2025. I believe in equality.
Listen, all right, give the givethe ladies that extra 25% so we
can punch them. Not just, but now it's swift
left across the job. Yeah.
I mean, they're fucking with your kid.
A subtle but firm uppercut. I speak about this and honestly,
it's a work BBQ, so it can only go that far.
It's not at work, it's at the boss's house, which is kind of
(09:38):
weird. And he is definitely trying to
fuck somebody in the office. Secretary.
Yeah, he is definitely trying tofuck somebody in the office, but
Swift left across the job. You're not snapping the kids
anymore. I pick something in your life.
I swear to God, I thought I misheard.
My kid looked freaked out and came running to me.
I walked up to her and said something like, don't talk to my
child like that. If you have an issue, you come
(09:59):
to me. You don't touch them and you
definitely don't insult them. You say that after you punch
them like you got to look down on them.
It's a better perspective. She rolled her eyes and said
someone had to set boundaries since I clearly wasn't going to
punch him again and you got to do enough to get the job you
did. The first one, she probably
wouldn't have said that. I lost it.
I told her to stay away from my kid and she had no business
putting her hands on anyone else's child.
(10:20):
People definitely heard and it was awkward for sure.
Now she's been cold at work and another Co worker said I
overreacted has Kelly just and that Kelly was just trying to
help and on the SO. OK, so look, sometimes red is
the stupidest fucking place you can go on because why?
Nobody fucking said you were overreacted.
Not a single fucking soul. I guarantee there's somebody
(10:43):
that. There's no, I mean there might
be some people there like like bitches, but like I like you'll
see in the in the other Side Story, we also not only joke on
the story itself, what we kind of do like little meta jokes
that you have to like understand, like you've had to
read a bunch of these. Am I the assholes to get?
Well, I think one of the things is, is if you were to go back to
(11:03):
like older, like, you know, our parents generation, it would
have been completely acceptable for another parent to like
reprimand you. Like it.
It used to be acceptable for other people to like, you know,
talk to their to your kid and like tell them the business and
you know, like you'd get sent off to school and get paddled
and all that stuff. And that was completely
acceptable in this day and age. Like you do not.
(11:25):
I mean, there's a big differencebetween someone keeping an eye
on your kids and then they're ata fucking BBQ.
Where you're right there. Yeah, you're right there.
You don't. They're just being kids.
That's the one thing I can't stand about some parents is
like, they'll have kids and thenthe kid will be a kid and
they'll be like, oh fuck, I got to beat you for being like,
well, why are you yelling? Because they're a child.
They don't. I mean, you could be like, hey
(11:46):
man, inside voice, what are you doing?
Like my son was just like, fuck it.
He loves to whistle, but I also love to whistle.
When I whistle, it doesn't bother me, but when he whistles,
it bothers me. I'm like, bro, stop whistling.
He's like, you whistle. Yeah, he does all the time.
But you whistle. I'm like, yeah, I can.
I can't control my autism. I can control your autism.
But I can, I can carry a tune. You haven't learned that part
yet. Now he's getting pretty good at
(12:07):
it and he does the little Andy goo like that, that shit.
It would have been better if my lips weren't so fucking the
right strike. We're off the air now.
Yeah, well, it is a whistle too,so that sucks.
You can't tell if I was or was not playing it.
It's like they played a old raspy style on a fucking beeswax
player because my lips were dry.Yeah, my my dad taught me a cool
(12:31):
thing of how to whistle and hum.Have you ever done that before?
Yeah, but some what? Whistle and hum at the same
time. Yeah, do the little vibrating I
This probably sounds like shit to people.
They probably can't hear the whistle, and they do.
I'll turn off the voice. But it's like stories like this
that inspired us to do the otherside.
Because sometimes you don't needto.
(12:55):
You don't need to. Well, just give those.
The rough of like what you wouldhave done.
Forward This is not all that went on in this story.
Well, that's what I'm saying is go ahead and give like what what
the kid actually did and you don't have to go all the way
we're. In freestyle and other side
before you see what happens whenMike actually takes his time.
So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first.
This is the test. The other side, the other side,
(13:16):
the other side. All right, Am I the asshole for
disciplining? Discipline.
Disciplining. Yeah, Is that right?
Disciplining. Am I the asshole for
disciplining my coworkers child at a work BBQ?
All right, How old was she? I don't know. 30s.
(13:37):
OK, all right. I, Kelly, late 30s, work at a
midsize company. Over the weekend we went to a
casual BBQ at my boss's house and people were told it's fine
to bring partners and kids. Listen, I'm not really fond of
kids. I don't have any myself.
I don't find them to be, you know, respectable creatures.
(13:58):
But I can tolerate them. What?
What? Oh she didn't say I have to give
her a fake name. My Co worker, let's call her
Lynn, 31, female, has a son. Bro fuck this kid.
He's came to the office multipletimes and we everybody tries to
tell Kelly that, listen, your son is a fucking demon, like
(14:21):
he's going to be a serial killerone day, but we can't use those
exact words, so we have to tell her.
And, you know, slightly innuendois like, oh man, your kids being
really loud right now. And oh, man, your kid is
knocking over a lot of stuff right now.
And oh, man, your kid keeps talking about killing other
people outside, outside of school.
Maybe you should probably talk to him.
Lynn always gets or what? Did I give the fucking fake
(14:43):
bitch's name? This is why I can't do it.
OK, OK, Lynn's the mom all right, but Lynn always just
ignores us. I don't know how many times you
have to tell a bitch before she'll actually fucking get it.
She just doesn't understand. Fast forward to the BBQ.
They were outside, All the kids were playing, being kids.
Nothing wrong with that. Once again, I don't have them.
I'm not really fond of them, butI don't mind.
(15:06):
That's when I heard her son, probably around 11 years old,
talk about some kind of Grand Theft Auto game and said that he
was going to kill them like he kills the prostitutes in the
game. I thought that was a little bit
weird. So as I'm walking up to him, I
can also hear him saying, come here, you little whore.
(15:26):
I want to I want to have sex with you and then shoot you.
So I grabbed him by the arm and I said, look, kid, where?
Where's the part where she said,look, all right, you got to stop
yelling you not at the zoo. You also got to say stop saying
crazy shit like that. That's when Lynn walked up and
said, don't talk to my child like that.
If you have an issue, come to me.
You don't touch him, and you definitely don't insult him.
(15:47):
For one, I didn't insult him, all right?
If I were to insult him, I wouldhave said, hey, quit being
fucking crazy, you goddamn serial killer.
But I did not say that. She then said that.
She then told me to stay away from her kid and that she had no
business putting her hands on anyone else's child.
People definitely hurt and it was awkward for sure.
It was pretty awkward. Normally I wouldn't want to have
(16:09):
to grab a kid by the arm, but God damn it, how many times do
we got to tell Lynn that her sonis a fucking serial killer?
Needless to say, some Co workersat work believe believe that I'm
the asshole. One Co worker actually said that
Lynn overreacted and that I was just trying to help.
Maybe because she was close enough to realize how fucking
God awful that child is. So Reddit, am I the asshole?
(16:32):
Essentially that's what like theother side is like bro I just
fucking. That's so hard I can't.
Believe that you were looking atit and like reading and
freestyle and the story back into the thing that was that was
smooth. Listen, I did with operator, I
did a Mensa IQ test and it said my IQ was like 144, bro.
And then I did 1 and it said it was 138 with a standard
(16:54):
deviation of 15. So I just, I could tell people
that's 150. Just go up.
Yeah, I just go up. We don't go down.
We don't go. I'm like, no, I don't want to
stay out of the dumb, right? Well, I'm going to tell him
about my dad. So my, my dad back in the early
days of the Internet, they had like IQ tests on there and
everything. And so he sat me down and he's
like, hey, let's take this IQ test.
And so we did. And I scored higher on him,
(17:16):
higher on the test than he did. And he said he's like, that was
the dumbest move I ever made because literally from that
moment on, you, you thought you were smarter than me and like, I
just fucked up the whole situation.
Well God damn, now he's the man of the house.
He said. That's when I started acting
unruly. No, see that's what he felt that
what is it called insecurity from his son having a higher IQ,
(17:39):
which means nothing and you can recognize patterns really good.
And it's literally just a a bullshit test.
Bro the blocks like rearranging the blocks and then they have
the one patterns like where the fucking triangles in the circles
will shift. When I got into that, man, that
was pretty tough. Well, I mean, if you're good at
like figuring stuff out in gamesand things like that, like you,
you kind of have a leg up on somebody that doesn't do
(18:02):
anything like that. And like so there's like a lot
of mechanical aptitude and like random things that I.
Want to take it for real one seewhat I would get.
There was a. Sit there just like man, you're
like you're, you're smart, but you're also like retarded at the
same time. Like it's like a mix.
It's like though Elon Musk. I don't believe.
I don't believe Elon is a genius.
(18:24):
Well, The thing is, is like anybody that accomplishes
something really big has a bunchof smart people around them like
that. It's.
That's what I'm saying like if this podcast took off and we
hired a bunch of people that made the podcast like grow above
Joe Rogan's and then I'm like, Iam the sole re negating you too.
I am the sole reason I did this.That is my invention.
Everybody be like Mike. You're being a retarded brother.
(18:47):
Well, no, a lot of people do believe in that personality.
A lot of people believe that Elon Musk is the reason why
there's Teslas and you know, they're going to space.
Like he's like back there codingand doing all that stuff and
building the Rockets. Like, I mean, he, he definitely.
I mean, he might be a little. I don't know.
I don't look up enough Elon Muskstuff to know.
I've just seen him speak. It seems like words elude him.
(19:08):
But basically the big picture iswhat he's responsible for.
Like he's the one that allots. Yeah, like this is what the?
Company resources is what we're looking at and.
And that's why they get paid so much, but also also.
On Reddit, which is not a good place to look because you know
there's bias echo chambers in Reddit too.
No, there's none. There's no such thing as right.
Every everywhere everywhere is free.
But a lot of people who are a whole lot smarter when than I am
(19:31):
with technology was saying that he uses like a lot of you know,
wow, normal people and not just like not normal people, like not
we're not talking about like average people, but people that
don't fucking fuck with tech. He uses words that like wow them
just like you know me and I use words like fat titty monster,
because people that don't do comedy, they're like, haha, fat
(19:52):
titty monster is funny. God, that's so good.
If I say, you know, greasy, greasy titty nibbles like people
are just like, man, this is so good.
We're like mayonnaise Dick. But any other comedian, like
real comedian, Mayonnaise, Dick,not only Moon Pies, exactly.
All that stuff, all that stuff. I was going to bring that up
later. I just.
Did that for. Don't fold the maps.
Oh, yeah, yeah, fucking don't fold the maps.
(20:13):
But to other people they're like, oh, that's funny.
But to comedians, they're just like, he's doing simple stuff.
So maybe it's like that. All right, so now we're going to
get into the real. Am I the asshole that has the
other side that I wrote down andhopefully I did a good enough
job with the other one. Oh yeah, I think I, I think I
had the freestyle. That was me freestyle.
That was freestyle comedy right there.
(20:33):
That was Robin Williams. I felt like I felt him come
inside of my body. It was through my ass too.
So yeah, yeah, yeah, I got some Robin Williams splooge and
people were going to. That's how he would enjoy that.
OK, listen, cocaine is hell of adrug and the amounts that he
did, it really does. I've seen people get fucked up
by that and just they quit and they're just never happy again.
(20:55):
I'm like, brother, you got to doanother drug after that, like a
less scary drug. Anytime you do the big drugs
that like fuck with your serotonin, you got to go to the
smaller drugs. So that kind of gives you like
the fake serotonin, like stop smoking meth, do a little bit
Adderall, you know what I'm saying?
Grown up stuff. Yeah, just balance it out, like
try to keep yourself. Right.
If you're smoking crack though, I think I think we're too far in
(21:17):
the weeds for that one. Is there 1 to get off of that
like 'cause there's like methadone for is cope the the.
Bro suboxone is like a just another that's just like a
nastier form. Any time scientists make
something to either like the synthetic opiates, all the
(21:38):
others like the fucking whatever, whatever they make
that synthetic, that is a drug that is, you know, not, you
know, opium or. Yeah, it's removed from nature,
right? Yeah, that's.
Removed from nature, it is fucking way worse than the shit
that like heroin and then some boxing, some boxing's fucking
some boxing is just the what they created to say, hey, you
can't do this, you can do this. And then we, yeah, then we get
(22:00):
money off. Of it we sell it to you so.
All drugs would be legal if likethe government could sell.
It you know we're running fast though, right?
Because we're only 20 minutes into this guy and.
Oh no, I mean, we still got the story and then we got the other
side, and then we always have the other side.
The other side. Yeah, fuck, we're just going to
have to. You're not start adding that in
(22:20):
there 'cause I'm forget that we're supposed to whisper and
then I would be late on it and it's just going to look like I'm
doing it to be cool, but you're actually cool and like you got
the flow of it. You're saying the initial and
then I can just do the echo and then we're good to go, we're out
to the races. Here we go.
Am I the asshole for refusing totell my husband the gender of
our baby after he skipped going to the doctor's appointments
with me? Like who the fuck is going to
just be like, yeah, yeah, you don't want no part of that baby
(22:43):
already. Why?
You know fucking he ain't there to support you.
My husband and I are expecting. Really.
This is our first baby and we'reexcited.
The thing is, he barely attends any doctor's appointments with
me and his excuses aren't even valid.
He's willing to miss the doctor's appointments over
soccer or a drink or a board game with friends.
His response is always I'm not the one carrying the baby, why
(23:05):
do I have to go see the doctor with you?
Last week was my final straw. He was supposed to come with me
for the baby's gender reveal appointment, but he chose not to
come last minute because his friends invited him to a fish
and chips meal. I was pretty livid but didn't
make a fuss about it. Mom went with me instead.
He texted me asking him to tell the results, boy or girl, but I
refused to tell him. He kept spam calling me but I
(23:26):
hung up each time. He came home fuming, demanded I
tell him the results but I refused and bluntly told him
since he refused to attend the appointments he gets no results
until after the baby's born and I said I was willing to die on
this hill. He went off calling me spiteful
and immature for doing this and punishing him.
He said he's the father and he has the right to know.
He then called me dramatic sinceI wasn't alone and his and mom
(23:47):
was with me. He said I said he gets no
results period. He's been fuming about it and
told his family and now they're pressuring me to stop playing
mind games with him and tell himbut I declined.
So am I the asshole? I think that it's OK to like
make him sweat for a minute, butfor you to die on that hill and
(24:10):
not like, I mean, basically you could just tell him, hey, you
know, these are very important and you should be coming to them
with me. Well, I mean, technically come
to all of them, but like the important ones.
I would really like your support.
Please come bubble bubble. I bet if he went next
appointment he'd either find outthere from the doctor, she would
tell him. That's it.
It's not like you're never goingto know, but hey, they come to
the doctor's appointment with me.
(24:31):
So when you see stories like that already, you're just like,
man. Like, it feels weirdly like a
humble brag. Yeah.
Like, ha, ha. I did this to my husband.
This is the way I got back at him.
But you don't want to wear it like that.
At least wear it like that. Yeah.
Like, don't be like, no, you know, maybe I am being a Dick.
He doesn't want to attend doctor's appointment.
That's fucking. That's a Especially if he has
free time. He's going out for friends and
(24:51):
shit. A sign still delivered all
right, just like the little BBQ one which we could have done one
on but Dylan made me freestyle. Probably could have came up with
something better than Serial Killer Kid, but.
But we're not going to read it again.
Yeah, we're all right. I'm redo it.
All right, We're freestyle #2 yeah, we're going to invite
people over freestyle too. So we did an other side, the
other side of the side. Fuck yeah.
(25:14):
I'm not going to do that every time.
That's the last time we're doingthat.
We'll have a thing pop up. All right?
Just one time, have a thing pop up, but we're going to do the
other side to that story now. Yeah, look, Dylan Dylan's this
is the other side to this story,and it is.
Am I the asshole for not attending my or am I the asshole
for not attending doctor's appointments with my pregnant
(25:34):
wife? Throwaway account because I
suspect my wife hasn't read it. She does.
That's so funny, I like that. That's going to be on every
single one of them too. Also, I know how the title
sounds but hear me out. They always put that my wife, 29
female, is pregnant with our first child.
When I first heard the news, I knew immediately that I wouldn't
miss a doctor's appointment for anything in the world.
Or so I thought. It all started with the 8th week
(25:57):
appointment. There's still a slight disbelief
that there's a child growing inside of your wife when you're
a first timer. But to mob delight, they had an
ultrasound scheduled so I would get to see my baby with my own
eyes. Little did I know that my
delight would soon turn into horror.
After going to the bathroom, I walk back in the room and see my
wife in stirrups with her legs in the air and the ultrasound
lady in parentheses says don't know what they're called.
(26:18):
The guy doesn't know at all. Me neither.
Getting ready to put X-ray Lube on her stomach.
Everything is normal so far. This is where things get weird.
The lady goes to apply the Lube to my wife's stomach and my wife
lets out an incredibly loud moan, followed with fuck yeah
you like slamming up my belly, you dirty slut?
(26:40):
What? The ultrasound.
The ultrasound lady just smiles and continues as if she didn't
hear anything. Meanwhile, I'm looking at my
wife like Hank looks at the bookthat Walter left in the
bathroom. After a minute, I assumed I was
just going crazy and decided to ignore what just happened.
The ultrasound lady then pulls out that little wand they use to
look inside of your stomach and starts rubbing it across my
wife's belly to try to find the baby.
(27:01):
That's when my wife grips both sides of the hospital bed and
starts loudly moaning again. She looks directly at the lady
in the eyes and says yeah, rub that thing on my belly like The
Dirty whore I am. I paused for a moment before
literally making a time out gesture and nicely asking the
ultrasound lady for a moment of privacy.
She walks out of the room and I turn to the porn star that is
(27:23):
somehow shape shifted into my wife and ask her calmly but
directly what the fuck is happening.
She then drops a bombshell on me.
Apparently my sweet loving wife is turned on by OBGYN
appointments. She don't know why but it's to
the point of orgasms. The ultrasound lady didn't have
a reaction because this was her OB and they are well aware of
who she is. She also said it was wrong to
(27:43):
judge her when it happens because she can't control it.
Asked her how the fuck am I not supposed to judge her when she
turns into Riley Reid anytime this lady touches her.
Before she can answer, the ultrasound lady walks back in
and my wife gives me a tender smile and gently pass my arm
like I didn't just enter a Twilight zone episode.
She starts trying to find the baby again and I can see my wife
is visibly trying to hold back her pleasure.
(28:04):
Look, it's still weird but I'll take her trying to hold it back
over The Dirty talk. After a minute, a little tiny
outline of a baby pops up on thescreen.
It's crazy to see something as simple as a black and white BLOB
on a computer and be able to understand that from this moment
on you would give your life for that BLOB.
The ultrasound lady asks us if we can if we can see it and I
reply yes ma'am. With a smile on my face that
(28:26):
stretches ear to ear, I briefly thought that nothing could ruin
this moment before I hear my wife say yes, Mommy, we can see
the baby. The words themselves wouldn't
have really gotten to me, but for some reason, she said it
like a baby. I looked down at my wife, who
was practically vibrating on thehospital bed at this point.
I wanted, I wanted to be aborted.
The ultra. The ultrasound lady then starts
(28:47):
wrapping things up. She grabs a towel to wipe off my
wife's stomach. I gesture for the towel.
If my wife is going to be weirdly sexual at the doctor's
office, at least be sexual with me.
The lady walks out and I take the towel and wipe it across her
stomach, expecting something sexual to happen, but nothing.
She just stares at me blankly. I thought the appointment was
over until the doctor walked in.That's when my wife continued
with the baby talk. She said using a baby voice.
(29:09):
Is that Doctor Patel over there?The doctor looked visibly
uncomfortable. My wife continued, still using
baby talk. You know, Doctor Patel's hands
can fit anywhere Mama needs themto fit.
It was at this point that DoctorPatel started to do that little
Roman cross thingy and silently said a prayer to himself.
As this elderly little Indian man turned around, I could see
(29:30):
the absolute horror that was in his face and could understand
what was about to unfold. I decided I couldn't stand to
see anymore. I excused myself from the room.
As I went to leave, Doctor Patelgrabs my arm and whispers in my
ear. Please don't go.
That was it for me. I made a bee line to the parking
lot and sat in the car for the rest of the appointment.
About 45 minutes later, my wife walks out of the appointment.
She gets in the car and tells methat she's hungry before going
(29:52):
on about a new fish and chip spot that opened a few blocks
down, completely glossing over the fact that she turns into a
succubus around doctors. Ever since that day, anytime she
tries to get me to go to an appointment with her, I always
make up an excuse like I have something important that I need
to attend to. Last week I forgot about her
doctor's appointment and when she asked if I could go with her
I had to make something up on the spot and this time I said I
was going to go have fish and chips with my boys.
(30:14):
Now I know that doesn't sound important but I couldn't think
of anything in the moment. I can't stand to see my wife
sexually assault doctors with her words.
But now since I've since I've not been going to the doctor's
appointments, she won't tell me the gender of the child because
apparently the last appointment was the gender appointment,
which is a really big one that adad should definitely go to
unless he doesn't want to hear or unless he doesn't want to see
(30:35):
his wife come on a hospital table.
I will. I have not attended another
doctor's appointment since and Inever plan on going with my
wife. Some people close to me says
that I am king shaming her and that I should support her
through anything and I now thinkthose people are on the spectrum
and no longer value their advice.
So that's the that's the fuckinglow clip.
I put it on the the This person says that I'm overreacting.
(30:57):
So Reddit, am I the asshole? There are two edits, all right?
You had to edit twice because I guess some of the comments all
right, Some commenters, some commenters on here saying that I
should use that or sorry, some commenters on here saying that I
should use this as a sort of role play with my wife to spice
up the bedroom. We have tried this.
(31:17):
It does not work. For some reason.
She has to be in a real doctor setting with a real doctor and
we aren't when when we are role-playing, she doesn't view
me as a real doctor. So I get none of the reactions
that she's given the doctors andnurses.
Honestly, outside of the whole weird doctor thing, she has a
very great wife and I know she'll be a good mom to our
child. I may just have to take up
drinking. I'm going to form a nice little
alcohol addiction to forget about what went down at the
(31:38):
doctor's office. And then edit 2 says the baby is
here. The birth went about as horrible
as you would expect. Not only was she having an
intense orgasm, but she also tried to unzip my pants right
there in front of all the doctors.
I was going to look up some therapy for her, but I think I'm
just going to look up a nice little therapist for myself.
And there you go. That's the reason he didn't want
to go to these fucking doctor's appointments.
She don't want to tell everybodythat she's got damn got this
(32:02):
doctor fetish, this OBGYN. She likes a little pap smear.
I'll cut it off, daddy. I think that's pretty dope
though. And, and what it does is it sets
apart, it sets us apart from thesmoshes, from the 2 hot takes.
So one day we can overcome them all right?
And then we switch to like a DMTalien podcast and then we
overcome Joe Rogan all right. And then we.
(32:24):
Just conquer them one at a time.One at a time.
And then our voice will be loud enough to where we will be able
to make a social media platform that will overtake Facebook.
And then I will be able to crushMark Zuckerberg.
That's the that's the game plan.That's the goal and it's going
to happen. I will smite that Android.
Yes, he's not human. I love the fucking little
interview he did and or where he's like addressing Mehta and
(32:47):
everybody and he has a bottle ofsweet baby rays on a shelf
behind him with like, you know, fucking collectibles and shit.
He has a just a bottle of sweet baby rays.
Like, yes, this is what humans like, is this human for you
humans? Yeah, yes.
Do you enjoy the humanity? I enjoy sweet baby rays.
Delicious. Hmm.
Yummy. It is a tasty one.
(33:09):
I will censor you to no end. Yeah, if you do not agree with
one I want you to agree with youdo not have a voice.
Well, the funniest thing about. That I thought we pay you too
much. Yeah, I got to fucking cut that
out. Well, that's the thing.
The whole thing is about money. So like they censor so that they
can keep the advertisers and then they don't pay us so that
they can keep the money that theadvertisers then paid them.
(33:31):
It's all just whatever way they can amass more.
I announced on social media thatI wasn't going to, We weren't
going to make any more like content for the social media
platforms. We'll see.
I think the people misconstrued that, like you said, you weren't
going to do Mike and Steve content.
You didn't say no more content. You just said like the Mike and
Steve thing, It's it's ran its course.
You've done them all like it. It doesn't make sense to keep
(33:54):
pulling on that thread. So we've moved into podcasting
and I, I think you didn't mention the point that like,
yes, there will be content that still comes out podcast related
and then possibly, you know, other stuff in the future, but
it's. All I'm saying is we got to skip
series instead of like people and like, you know, Mike and
Dylan gave up on the social. No, we would rather, instead of
(34:14):
quit, we would rather be taken out.
So the shit that's going to start in a couple days for when
is this, This is Wednesdays, right?
Wednesday. Yeah, Yeah.
So probably Monday at the latestis when you'll have the first,
the first of these skits. And you will understand why
because we're going hard. I'm a I'm a fucking hammer.
All these goddamn platforms talkshit about them.
(34:35):
And it's going to be real funny.Like I'm a do it in a funny way.
They're going to be funny skits.It involves me using a lot of
face plant, paint plant, and unfortunately there are some
platforms whose colors are black.
So sorry guys, got to do a little bit of blackface.
Just pretending to be marine like that one.
Now we're. Going to blur them out.
TikTok is going to be blurred out.
That's a funny thing about it. And his voice is going to be
(34:57):
just going to be like this. And then we're like why is his
voice like that is like all cuz he's doing like a Chinese
accent. So it's like me censoring myself
for it. And I think that's AI think
that's a really dope thing to do, but I hope you guys enjoyed
the other side fucking. There's going to be a
reoccurring segment on 2 Daddies, Judge and Baddie
starting next week. I don't know if it'll be the
very first podcast. We have a lot of things that
(35:17):
we're dealing with. father-in-law still in there and
Dylan still in with some personal issues.
I don't know if he wants to get into it, but some sad stuff.
Yeah, by the time this airs, we're recording this on Monday
and tomorrow we're going to haveto put my dog down South.
I will not be here at the office.
Doing he said dog it sound like he said daughter.
(35:38):
Dog down. Yeah.
Dog. Dog down.
Dog. To me it sound like maybe I'm
tripping. Listen to it back and see if
it's out. Sounds like a dog down.
I thought I was like, did he sayhe was going to put his daughter
down? But yeah, he is.
Unfortunately, they're putting Buddy to sleep.
Great dog. Listen.
He's at 14 years. I told you I don't like dogs.
Buddy comes around. Buddy's chill.
(35:59):
He's just a good dog. He's just chill.
He's always been great, like he's.
He'll hang around you and then if you like, even if you feel
like you don't want him, just like hanging around.
So he'll just walk off. And I was like, man, that dog,
that's a, that's a good dog right there.
My dogs, they'll be like, oh, doyou want me to go?
Cuz I'll, I'll lick your face. Yeah, I'll just like.
See it's wild cuz he's reached the point where he can't see
(36:21):
really well or hear really well.And so when I get home, he
doesn't know I'm home until he smells like eventually, like
he'll wake up and sniff the air and he's like, oh, Dad's home.
And then I'll just hear him liketrotting through the house
looking for where where I'm at and he'll come find me.
But like he knows that I'm home by smell, not by.
You know family got Herbert the perverts dog and then like his
(36:42):
back legs drive drag behind him.That's a good noise for the
paper boy. Got some good news?
I could never do that voice. So the I still haven't mastered
that whistling. I don't try the voices.
That's one thing. I was like, I can never be a
comedian because I don't want todo impressions.
Because I thought I'd like to bea comedian.
You have to do impressions. Do a shit ton of them.
Yeah, but I don't want to. Like every time you want to get
(37:05):
serious, you go into Joker mode and then when you want to be
like super like energy wise, yougoing to Dave Chappelle and
then. I mean, I have a guy, like I
said, I thought that's what it took so I practiced on.
So now I just don't practice on him a lot so I'll never do stand
up. Jamie Foxx is the goat.
Oh God. He's so good, man, and he's a
great actor and he could sing, but Jamie Foxx, look, somebody
(37:28):
send this to Jack. Fuck you Jamie Foxx for being so
God damn talented. Yeah, give some talent to them.
Jesus Christ could have saved a little for me.
Django Unchained man so good. Anybody else other than Jamie
Foxx, it wouldn't have been as good.
He's just, he's good man. Was he at daddy parties?
Yeah, I hope not. Now that would be a sad one to
see go down. There's been a lot of sad ones
to see go down. He seems like a more of a Family
(37:50):
Guy than most of the other. Yeah, but Carl from Family
Matters, he was there. Really.
Yeah. Or allegedly.
Allegedly. Allegedly.
I heard that from something. Some social platforms.
Yeah, I'm becoming an old man. I see a me or I see a fucking
real and I just believe everything on there.
I didn't do any research to verify whether these are facts,
(38:11):
but I will tell I will. Tell it as facts right now and
all right, they're trying to hityou with the Jewish space laser.
So. I love when when the frog's gay,
when somebody calls them out on that be like, well, I saw
something, OK, but like, here's all the facts of what actually
happened. Right.
Listen buddy, if you are not doing your research, don't talk
to me about it, OK? Just tell me where you're doing
your research at. Well then it wouldn't be as good
(38:32):
research. Just give me a tell me a
location God damn like. You do your own research.
Yeah, like, give me a fucking link or something though,
because that's the funniest thing.
And people will be like a sourceand they'll be like, do your
research and you'll find out if you've done it.
You could source me to something.
Yeah, just fucking source me to money doing.
Your job for you that's. What I said, They're real crazy
people though. They're not the majority on
(38:53):
either side and we love everybody.
God fucking and everybody is right and everybody is pure and
fuck y'all, I'm in, in this pot fucking have a good day.
Go to mikeanddylan.com. Give us some advice so we can
give people advice. All right?
If my brain, if I, if we collectively have a bunch of
advice to do, then you ain't gottime for Mike to get in that
(39:13):
stuff. But if Mike's just fucking
spitballing, we're going to get there, all right.
Check out two daddies, Judge andBaddies especially.
Make sure to share to your friends.
Yeah. Share to you, share to your
friends. We're so close to to hitting the
monetization numbers on here. Well, and one thing that I
wanted to ask you guys, and you guys can either comment down
below or go on to the subreddit.We have actually got a whole
(39:34):
bunch of clips and like we can only put out so many clips from
the podcast if you guys want to share any of those clips on your
platforms. Oh yeah.
Yeah, we'll get free range to a Google Drive.
Would you about? That would you be interested in
doing that because we would loveto just, you know, have them
there for you and well. If you make if you make content
too, because everybody like you don't have to be have, you know,
millions of fucking followers tobe a kind of if you want to use
(39:56):
use, you know, clips from it will have the clips over there
and they've already been you ranthrough like Opus and that shit.
So you ain't got to fucking do all the stuff to it and like
we're giving you free reign on it.
I ain't going to fucking strike you on anything.
But if you guys are into that just let us know cuz we'll we'll
make that available. Yeah, and if you're into Midget
porn also let us know too, cuz we can.
That's the mic thing. We gotta have it.
(40:16):
We gotta have an only band genre.
You know that there's like Midget wrestling.
Or is Midget the midget's not the?
Correct. You're not saying little person,
man, Come on. I don't think little persons are
the correct term anymore either.I think that was.
God, people have heightened people.
Wait, what is heightenedlessness?
Like what the fuck? I don't.
It's just like unhoused people, man.
Motherfucker's homeless. You got a home?
No homeless. Unhomed so my buddies were he's.
(40:42):
De housed. He's been he's been unconfined
to a residential area. Lessness.
I don't fucking know, man. I'm tired of this shit.
So my buddy, they have this bandthat is based around characters
and they wanted to do this musicvideo.
And so they were trying to set up this meeting.
(41:03):
And when they were trying to setup the meeting, they're like,
can we just meet after this wrestling match or whatever?
And I was like, what, what is this?
I don't know anything about it. And so they send me a link and
it is for Midget wrestling. And once I clicked on that link,
now all my ads and every single social platform is just like
this Midget wrestling is coming up da da, da, da.
(41:24):
And so now I am, I guess, a fan of Midget wrestling.
There was a beautiful time when you could just say something
like if someone doesn't like yousaying retard, they don't like
saying Midget. Don't watch us.
Yeah, it just turns. Like hey man, I'm not, I don't
fuck with these guys cuz they say those words that I don't
like. Everything else we like but
those words. Not it, bud.
What was it? Is it who's the guy that did the
(41:45):
original Office over in Ricky Gervais?
Yeah, he, he made a good point on that is like, you know, just
because you're offended doesn't mean that like.
My Gervais, man, he makes a lot of good points.
Anybody who makes as many good points as he does is just trying
to make good points like him. Fucking moist, critical, all
those guys, they just, they just, they're like, here is the
(42:06):
reality. Fuck that shit.
Like, ruffle a few feathers, allright, Just call everybody gay
and just move on. Well, that's what he was saying
was like just because you're offended doesn't make the joke
offensive. Like you can be upset by the
words that were said or whatever.
However, what I said was not necessarily offensive.
Like you can take it however youwant to and spin it and make it
your thing that you want to die on, but it's not technically
(42:29):
offensive. It's it's just you taking
offense. Like I can't help you taking
offense to things. That's a you problem, not a me
problem. And the way that he broke it
down, I was like, I know that's pretty much cancel culture in a
nutshells like that's. That's the easy take, Ricky.
Do the hard take. He's got it.
That's good. Start spamming the N word.
OK, he he. Created your your office that
(42:51):
you love so much. He did.
And without him you wouldn't have Steve Carell being he's the
best boss in the world. That's my autism, bro.
That's my autism show though. I fucking, I watch it and then
I'll be like, man, I'm gonna watch something new and then I
just watch it. I've been watching actually.
My name is Earl. I get really pissed off because
(43:11):
I never finished it so. They did a really good
documentary. What's his name?
Jason. Yeah, I know you're talking
about he did a documentary. I mean, it wasn't super good,
but like he's big into like filmphotography now.
And so you're just like kind of I.
Was just about to talk about that.
Yeah, I follow him on Instagram.He does.
He'd be taking all them pretty pictures.
But there's a real cool like. Is he an Scientologist?
(43:32):
No, I don't think so. He's just, I think he's just a
normal guy. Is anything I think he's in.
I think he's got some kind of weird thing going on.
I don't know. Look, let me look it up for
allegedly. Yeah.
Before I smear his name. What is his name?
Jason What? Jason.
Look, I'm gonna look up Alan andChipmunks cast easy but.
He used to be a skateboarder andthen he got into acting and
comedy and then did all that stuff.
(43:55):
But yeah, now he was driving around in this old, I want to
say it was like a Lincoln Continental or Lincoln Lincoln
Continental. Fountain car or something?
Was he not? Yeah, he was.
Jason Lee. There we go.
Yeah, Jason Lee. One of the easiest last names to
remember. Nah, because we're going to
settle this right now because I'm not going to like get off of
here. And are you?
Going to confirmation bias yourself and be like.
(44:17):
No, no, no, no, because I don't want to like leave an ambiguous,
I don't want to say something, it's not real.
And then? How are people supposed to go
around and tell everybody that Jason Lee is in Scientology?
He's not Oh yeah, he is a Scientologist.
OK, sounds that sounds like he'sin some What is what is I'm
scared to look at what Scientology believes in because
like I said, my mushy brain is acceptable to.
(44:38):
See, my thing is, is like the religion of the person doesn't
really matter though. Like I mean he unless he's going
around and like forcing it upon other people, then it matters.
But if he's literally just a Scientologist and he's still
just a normal guy outside of that, like I don't.
Care the media do be listen, some of there's some religions
that I'd be thinking they're on to something because like the
media that they'll they'll shit on Scientology a lot.
(45:00):
So they go after him a lot. So that's that's when I start
thinking, oh man, maybe they're on to something.
Yeah. And then Jews will not let you
become a Jew. They are just like they're the
only religious organization thatdon't want you there.
They're like, we got enough people.
Well, they don't proselytize, but you can become a.
Yeah, you got to like go throughall this training and stuff like
that and they know that everydayperson is not going to fucking
do that. They're not letting people in.
So that's why I'm like what theygot going on over there.
(45:22):
All I'm saying is if I had the keys to paradise, my paradise
motherfuckers ain't getting my paradise.
Lock everybody out. I want to see what Scientology
we need to bring a Scientologist.
All right, if you are a Scientologist and you want to be
on the podcast is what our firstone's going to be.
The podcast is going to be you trying to convert me to
Scientology. And at the end of the episode,
(45:45):
Mike will be converted and he will give away all his money to
level up inside of the Scientologist.
And they got a lot of celebrities though, man, they
got a lot of of, of pool over there.
That's how you do it though I think they involved.
An alien called Zenu. I'm already on board, bro.
They got aliens. Yeah, they got an alien called
Zeno, described as a planetary ruler 70 million years ago, who
(46:06):
brought billions of aliens to Earth and killed them with a
thermonuclear weapons. I'm gonna stop reading this
before I get killed by the Church of Scientology cuz I had
that little listen. You're probably just gonna be,
yeah. It's not for me.
It's not for me. Until we have the Scientologist
on he converts you. Yeah, someone said that cuz I
(46:27):
don't know Jesus I'm gonna die and go to hell so.
I mean, you know, Jesus doesn't imagine you, probably.
I talk. I talk to God.
I ain't got to know his name. I ain't got to know if he's
Jesus, Yahweh, Christian. I ain't got to know who it is.
All I know is Bam gives me strength to get to my day.
That's all I got to do. Go out there.
(46:48):
And all I'm saying is there's a fucking omnipotent, Yeah, you
got it. Yeah.
He knew exactly what he was making when he made me.
He was putting it together. He's like, this is going to be a
motherfucking menace, bro. He is going to ruin a lot of
days. He's going to make a lot of
days. For some reason, he's going to
rap at one point, you know, Eminem ruined rap for.
I looked at this little article a guy wrote about how Eminem
(47:11):
ruined rap for other white people with the song Sing for
the Moment. Because when he's like, these
ideas are nightmares to white parents whose worst fear as a
child would dye hair, who likes earrings that kind of
stereotyped every single white rapper that would come after
Eminem. So everybody just thinks like,
he's like, man, my step dad's mean and I don't like them.
Which kind of would have been mine.
(47:31):
Yeah. My fucking dad walked out,
stepped out like, yeah, we were in trap houses and stuff.
So it was like a little bit closer.
But essentially, that's what it would have been.
All right, guys, I think this has been a great fucking fun ass
podcast. I loved it.
And we will see you guys next time.
Later.
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