June 2, 2025 • 25 mins
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What happens when family boundaries get blurred and relationships hit unexpected roadblocks? In this episode of Mind Your Heart, Emily and Trina dive into the wildly popular "Am I The Asshole" subreddit to analyze complex family dynamics that leave people questioning themselves.
The duo tackles four fascinating scenarios with their trademark mother-daughter candor. They explore a woman's reluctance to move in with her boyfriend because his 12-year-old daughter clearly doesn't like her—a situation that triggers deeper discussions about blending families, children's emotional needs after divorce, and the importance of not rushing relationships when kids are involved. Both hosts validate the woman's decision to trust her instincts rather than forcing a potentially harmful living situation.
Their analysis continues with other equally compelling scenarios: questioning whether it's appropriate to verify with a parent before giving an 11-year-old coffee (absolutely yes!), navigating boundaries when family members visit your home while you're away, and perhaps most provocatively, a husband expecting his wife to clean up his vomit while she's already caring for their toddlers. This last scenario sparks particularly passionate reactions as they discuss entitlement in relationships and the notorious tendency for some men to become "such babies" when sick.
Throughout their thoughtful commentary, Emily and Trina blend psychological insights with practical wisdom, helping listeners recognize healthy boundaries and problematic relationship patterns. Their perspectives offer valuable frameworks for evaluating similar situations in your own life, whether you're dealing with blended family challenges, in-law boundaries, or partnership expectations.
Ready to gain clarity on those messy relationship situations that leave you wondering if you're overreacting? Listen now and join the conversation about where reasonable boundaries begin and end.
Trina's First Published Book- Hilarious Would You Rather This or That Writing for Kids
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, welcome to Mind your Heart Podcast, your
favorite corner of the internetwhere we chat about all things
mental health.
I'm Emily.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
And I'm Trina.
Together, we're like yourreal-life Lorelai and Rory
Gilmore.
Each week, we'll bring you realconversations about the world
of mental health and we willpeel back layers on topics like
anxiety, depression and muchmore.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
We're here to chat with you about the tough stuff,
the everyday stuff andeverything in between.
So grab your emotional supportwater bottle I know we have ours
.
Find your comfiest chair orkeep your eyes on the road and
let's get into it.
Are you ready, mom?
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Absolutely.
Join us as we mind our heartsand hopefully make minding yours
a little easier.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Welcome back.
Welcome back to Mind your Heart.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Yes, welcome to Mind your Heart.
I'm Trina Devery.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
I'm Emily Dreylis.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
And we are a mom and daughter who never introduce
ourselves because we just neverthink about people finding us on
episode 30.
I feel like we do.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
We just haven't these past couple.
Normally I will say like I'mEmily and then you'll say I'm
Trina, but the last two episodeswe did not introduce ourselves.
Yeah, but we also have an intro.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
That's true.
I always forget that.
Yeah, all right, so today weare going back to an oldie, but
a goodie, like people seem toenjoy.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Am I the asshole?
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Yeah, am I the asshole Reddit responses.
So you want to go first?
Sure.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
Okay.
So this first one says am I theasshole for refusing to move in
with my boyfriend because hisdaughter doesn't like me?
My first response is no, youare not what do you think I
would probably say no too, like.
I mean like if you're notfeeling comfortable enough to
(02:01):
move in with someone, I don'tthink you should yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
I agree, and if the child doesn't like you, that's a
problem yeah, that's anon-negotiable yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
So I, 27 female, have been with my boyfriend, who's
32, for a little over two years.
He's amazing in so many wayskind, kind, supportive, and
we've seriously talked aboutmarriage and building a future
together.
He has two kids from hisprevious relationship, a
nine-year-old son and a12-year-old daughter.
(02:34):
His son and I actually getalong really well.
He's sweet and playful andseems happy to have me around,
but his daughter not so much.
She is never outrightdisrespectful, but it's been
clear from day one that shedoesn't like me.
She avoids me during visits,refuses to engage in the
conversation, giving one-wordanswers, and will flat out leave
(02:56):
the room if I sit down to watcha movie or join a family
activity.
I've tried to be patient becauseI understand that I'm the new
person and that kids canstruggle with these situations,
especially when it comes toloyalty to their mom.
I've really done my best.
I've never forced her to bondwith me.
I always give her space andI've tried inviting her to do
things like go out for ice creamshopping or little crafts, all
(03:20):
of which she's declined or justsat through awkwardly.
I even backed off when her dadsuggested family trips because I
didn't want to push and makethings worse.
Now here's the issue.
My boyfriend recently asked meto move in with him and the kids
.
He framed it as a natural nextstep in our relationship and
said it would help blend thefamily.
But I said no.
I told him gently, but honestlyI don't feel comfortable moving
(03:43):
in a home where one of the kidsclearly doesn't want me there.
I said I think it would onlycreate more tension and
resentment, especially if hisdaughter feels like I'm suddenly
invading her space full-time.
He did not take that well andtold me I'm letting a child
dictate our future and that if Itruly loved him I would be
willing to make this work andnot run away at the first
(04:04):
challenge.
He said his daughter just needsmore time and that living
together would help her get usedto me faster.
Even some of my friends aresaying I might be overthinking
this, that kids always warm upeventually and that I'm being
too cautious.
But in my gut I feel likemoving in now, when things are
already strained, would justmake everything worse, not
better.
I don't want to end up beingresented in my own home I have a
(04:27):
lot to say to this okay okay.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
First of all, um, I do not think she's overreacting.
I think she's following herinstincts, and her instincts are
not to make this move.
Um, I also think that there'stwo things, or several things.
First of all, the child is 12.
So 12-year-olds are a pain inthe asses.
Also, this is a girl whoprobably does feel like some
(04:55):
loyalty towards their mother,and if they love or like this
girl, this woman, then they'resomehow betraying their mom.
So I do think that happens andit's a totally understandable
feeling for kids.
It's very confusing.
The other thing that I think isthat the things that she's asked
the child to do, it sounds likeshe's doing some good things,
(05:17):
but the thing she's asked thechild to do, does the child like
those things or are those justthings that they picked?
Because the thing is, is youwant to get comfortable with the
child's interests what, whatinterests her and and ask to do
things around that?
Um, so that's one thing.
And then the other thing is isthat?
I don't?
(05:38):
I can see why if, if he wereproposing, if they were getting
married, that might be different, because in that case there
would be more of a willingnessto work it out, because it's
permanent and in the child'smind it's like I don't know if I
can trust you to stick around.
(05:59):
That's not the woman's fault.
That's because of the daddecisions yeah and how you
sometimes feel as a child ofdivorce.
You're not sure you can counton that person to hang in there
with you when it gets hard.
Yeah, um, and they've alreadyseen that they give up when,
(06:19):
like you know, and even if it's,it was a great divorce, even if
it was meant to be a divorce,it still feels like I don't know
if I can trust you inrelationships.
So I think that those feelingsneed to be taken into
consideration and I think thedad is minimizing the daughter,
(06:39):
which is a problem, and that'snot going to get better by just
ignoring her feelings.
I don't think she gets to tellthem how their relationship
progresses.
I do agree with that, but Idon't think that just acting
like she's just going to getover it is not the answer.
And if she had a more permanentreason to be moving in, then
(07:01):
that might seem like okay, thisis our next step, and also the
daughter can be included andpart of the process for that to
happen.
So that's what I think.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Yeah, I would agree.
I feel like there's like a lotof different like levels to this
.
Like I don't think that reallyanyone's the asshole I would say
say.
Like I would just say that thisis just like one of those
things where there's like a lotof it's just nuanced, like it's
not, it's not just one thing orthe other, like there's just a
(07:34):
lot of gray.
Um, I definitely was thinkingwhen I was reading about like
the activities and stuff.
I'm like what is the daughterlike to do?
Like, have you like putyourself into like her
activities instead of trying toget her to go into activities
with you?
Like because, like she'salready like being placed in a
situation where she's having togo into other people's
(07:58):
situations, whereas, like youneed to kind of meet her where
she's at um.
So, like I think that's onething um, I do like I wonder,
but I also I'm like we don'tknow anything about, like this
kid we don't know anything about.
Um, like the boyfriend, likethere are other like.
I'm like were her parents evertogether?
(08:20):
Like, maybe, like I don't evenknow if they were previously
married, it's just from aprevious relationship.
So maybe the kids like oh, okayyeah, I'm like not having really
anyone stick around like there.
I just feel like there's a lotof things here and yeah, because
is the mom they did.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
She did say something about like feeling, whatever
about the mom, but like is therelike a time sharing situation
and could she, in most placesthere are?
So could she, you know, spendthe night, be there a lot when
the kids aren't there, likefocusing on their relationship
and then, um, easing in when thekids are there?
Speaker 1 (09:03):
yeah so, and I don't think this person's doing
anything necessarily like wrong.
I think it's like a.
It's definitely a situationwhere you just kind of have to
like figure it out over time, soum, and I think that when
you're not ready to move in withsomeone like don't like, you
don't need to like rush that,like clearly there's also it's
(09:25):
not like there's a rush for thenep kids, like he's got two kids
, so like what's the point inrushing into moving in if, like,
both parties are notcomfortable with that?
Speaker 2 (09:36):
yeah, I agree, sorry, not the asshole um, yep, not
the asshole, all right.
Um, so this is another one thathas to do with a child.
Now I'm just reading just theheadline first right, and then
give going into the all right.
(09:57):
So am I the asshole for nottaking an 11 year old's word for
it?
For not?
Speaker 1 (10:04):
taking an 11-year-old's word for it.
Absolutely not.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
No yeah, 11-year-olds lie, and so, yeah, no, you're
not the asshole for that.
I mean, they might not be liars, they could be like honest,
wonderful child, but I don'tthink you have to completely
take their word for it.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
I feel like I need context, Because I'm like are
you just deciding to not believethem because it helps you out,
or like what's the deal here?
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Okay, so my 20, my 20 dad made some friends when he
studied abroad.
Is this person 20?
I think, um, one of them is avisit in our country right now.
One of them is is a visit inour country right now.
One of them is on a visit inour country right now.
He made some friends Let mestart this again my dad I don't
(10:51):
know what the 20 is, maybe it'sthe person.
My dad made some friends whenhe studied abroad.
One of them is on a visit inour country right now and he
brought 11, or his daughter,who's 11 with him.
He said, if I asked her to ournational museum, since it's good
for kids to practice some artappreciation, I said sure.
She wasn't very enthusiasticabout it, though when we were
(11:14):
waiting for the opening time,she pointed at a nearby cafe and
asked if I could buy her a cupof coffee, saying it's the least
I could do before making herspend two hours looking at some
boring stuff.
I hesitated and she said herdad lets her drink latte.
So I called him just to check.
He said yes, before asking didyou think my daughter is a liar?
Well, that's a little extreme,I mean.
(11:37):
And then he's like and then Ididn't know what to say.
It didn't occur to me thatthere was.
That was what I was insinuatingwhen I was expressing my doubt.
I, just wanted to be sure,ended up buying her oat milk
latte her preference beforetaking her on a tour.
Don't know if I was too anxious, but when I took her back to
the hotel her dad seemed kind offrosty towards me.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
That's stupid.
No, not the asshole.
You should ask the parent, whenit's an 11 year old, about
coffee first of all, who'sletting their 11 year old drink
coffee.
I have a problem with that,yeah, I would have been like no,
and also like why are youtalking to me?
like it's the least you can do,like damn, yeah, I mean, this
(12:23):
child sounds a little bit like abrat and the person visiting
sounds a little bit like a jerk.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
So, um, screw the 11 year oldand screw the visitor.
And yeah, how about you buyyourself and buy?
Speaker 2 (12:38):
your own latte.
Yep, I'm just gonna take youright on back to our dad and
they can deal with you and seeyou later.
So, yeah, because this personis a 20-year-old, they don't
want to spend time with an11-year-old that acts like a
jerk.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
No kidding, and also like to me.
I'm like do you think mydaughter is a liar?
I don't know your daughter.
You're a visitor from adifferent country.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
You're a stranger to me.
Yeah, yeah, I don't.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Sorry, I haven't gotten to know their patterns of
whether they tell the truth ornot in the span of 24 hours.
That's so stupid.
That is stupid.
I would be like it just soundsdumb, like to ask somebody that.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
Yeah, no, not the asshole.
Yep, maybe a little dumb fortaking a random person to the
museum and expecting it to goreally well but, yeah, okay, all
right, your turn.
Am I the asshole for notallowing visitors in my home
while I'm not around?
No, no, no, yeah, no, okay.
(13:48):
My husband and I recently movedour family to a new home,
literally three days ago.
Boxes everywhere, nothing inorder.
During the transition, I neededsome time to myself to clean
the old place.
My mom offered to babysit mybaby at her new home while I was
away.
No issues with that.
However, halfway through the dayI called to check on my baby
(14:10):
and mom and hear other childrenscreaming in the background,
confused, my mother tells me mybrother-in-law, niece and nephew
came over to see me but thendiscovered I wasn't home.
So, instead of leaving, theylet themselves in for the rest
of the day, several hours,without anyone that actually
lives at the home present.
When I communicated that myhusband and I were not okay with
(14:32):
my mom letting other peopleinto the house while we're not
home for a number of reasons,she got very defensive and said
well, they just walked inthemselves.
What am I supposed to do?
Kick them out.
Dot, dot, dot.
Yes, in all caps.
Anyway, we communicated theboundary with both
brother-in-law and mom.
But man, is this such a crazything to not want a bunch of
(14:54):
people in your home when you'renot around okay, I mean it is a
little petty.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
It is family member, it's not random strangers off
the street that she just letinto your house and the mom is
like, the grandma is still there, yeah.
Yeah, exactly, the grandma isthere.
It's not like they're in thereunsupervised.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
They're there with the grandma.
Yeah, the grandma.
Who's is this not the grandma'schildren also?
Yeah, like, so it's probablythe grandma to her baby and the
grandma to the kids.
So who?
Speaker 2 (15:30):
cares.
I mean, I understand that youdon't really feel like you want
people in the house when youhaven't put it together yet.
It's only been three days.
I might be a little bitstressed out about that, but
that's probably petty.
But it might make me stressedout about that, but that's
probably petty.
But I I might make make mestressed out.
But my own, my brother or mysister-in-law or my
brother-in-law, or well, I don'thave a brother-in-law anymore.
(15:50):
But in the past I mean maybe Iwould have been like could you
have asked?
Speaker 1 (15:55):
but um, I definitely wouldn't sounds like this,
sounds like people that likeoften come visit.
Because oh, that's true,because- they showed up like
they just showed up and expectedyou to be there, like they.
It's not like they came withthe intention of being like he,
he, like they're not like.
Like they came to come see youand then you just weren't there
and so.
(16:16):
But then the mom, the grandma,was there and they were like all
right, well, we'll just hangout until they get home.
Yeah, like that doesn't seemlike that big of a deal to me
because in my mind at least,with the context that we have,
these people visit with themoften.
Yeah, so it would be differentif they were like my
brother-in-law and sister-in-lawflew in all of a sudden and
decided to stay.
(16:36):
Like then I'd be like all right, that's a little too, I agree.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
So you're right, it's probably someone that just
stops, stopped by and yeah, Idon't and also it's not doing
anything to her.
She's not even there.
So unless she thinks they'remaking up some kind of a mess or
something, now I think she'sbeing a little ridiculous.
But she did just have a baby,so she might not be thinking
completely rationally.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
Um people are saying that they're not the asshole not
the asshole, especially sincethere were kids involved and who
knows what they'll get into.
Oh please these are your familymembers these are your nephew
yeah, I think I'd be lessbothered, but still bothered, if
it was just adults that stayedto say hi to your mom for a bit,
since she was already there.
(17:21):
But I don't want a bunch ofkids running around my new place
like that when I'm not there,and I'd still be annoyed about
adults staying to visit.
Okay, so that's certainly anopinion.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Yeah, well, I disagree with them.
I think she's being.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
A lot of people are saying, like, not the asshole.
Like why do people think thisis okay, Not the asshole?
This was unacceptable as hellthis is their freaking family.
This is your family members yeah, mom is there with the baby and
you don't allow her to havevisitors family.
I'm not sure I understand thatpart.
Does your brother-in-law knowyou don't want drop-ins and if
(17:59):
they stopped in to see you butyour mom was there, I'm not sure
I understand why you'd care ifthey visited with her and the
baby.
Not calling you the asshole,just sort of curious.
Curious what your reasons whyyour mom can watch your baby but
not have family there yeah, Iagree with that.
Yeah, I agree with that person,yeah all right, well, yeah, but
the rest of the comments arelike they're siding with her,
(18:22):
like being like.
This is crazy that these peoplecame over.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
Maybe they missed that it was family members.
I feel like it was pretty clearPeople often don't read to
comprehend I mean, that's thewhole point of reading, but it
feels like they don't sometimes,so I'm pretty sure that people
just skip right over details andthey don't even see them.
Um, that, that's what I'm gonnasay.
(18:48):
That's why so many people arethat way.
All right, ready for anotherone.
Yeah, am I the asshole formaking my sick husband clean up
his moment?
um like yes or no yeah like I, I, oh, I don't know I mean
(19:12):
cleaning up vomit is not fun andit is very gross and it makes
me feel like gagging sicknessand health.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
So I, what I mean I for this person they said in
sickness and in health yeah,you're right, but it's gross.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
I mean like, oh, I'm with you, I wouldn't want I
didn't even clean up your vomitlike your dad cleaned up the
vomit.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
I took care of the emotional part and he took care
of the sheets and the cleaningyeah, I feel like I'm like I
don't think this person is anasshole, but I also, I don't
know this it's not very nice.
Yeah, it's not necessarily likethe most helpful when they're
saying it's kind of.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
It's kind of.
It is kind of jerky.
I don't know about an asshole,but all right, so this is throw
away.
Why does it say throw away?
I have?
no idea I don't know either.
So my husband has been dealingwith a stomach bug of some kind
the last few days, vomitingdiarrhea, nausea, etc.
I've been taking care of himand the house and the kids by
(20:12):
myself.
Because it was uh, because ofit, which I hate when people do
misspelling, because I'm not agrammarly first people.
Yeah, because of it, which is alot of work with two and under
and two with two under five.
Oh gosh, yeah, that'sunderstandable.
This morning my husband wantedto try eating something so I
(20:36):
made him toast as requested, ashe was on the couch nibbling on
his breakfast.
I was making our toddlers theirbreakfast and feeding them when
I hear him violently gagging inthe other room.
He's been.
This is like Jackson.
He's been hanging out in theliving room during this entire
illness.
So he had a trash can there incase he had to puke or whatever.
(20:57):
I called out to him to rememberto use it or go to the bathroom
if he thought he was going tovomit.
He didn't listen and threw upall over the floor and got some
on the couch.
What an idiot.
What an idiot, I agree.
I mean, come on.
Husband then comes into whereI'm feeding our kids and says
(21:18):
he's gonna go to our room so Ican clean up his puke.
Yeah, no oh no she's.
I said absolutely not.
There was no, was really noreason for him to vomit all over
the floors.
I had been cleaning it up allweekend already, without
(21:42):
complaining when he was gettingsick by surprise.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
But he has plenty of time yeah, I don't understand
that either, like when peopleare like oh, I threw up, I'm
like you feel it coming, you do,you definitely do If you have
like a spontaneous throw upsituation like that's a little
bit different.
But you don't go, okay.
Peasant wife clean up my vomitwhile you take care of our two
(22:06):
children.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Yeah.
So she said okay.
So husband is now all mad at mefor not showing him a good
bedside manner.
You're not a nurse.
I know she's not the nurse, soam I the asshole Update?
Oh, she hasn't.
There's an update, okay.
So never expected so manycomments.
Feel very validated.
I have to see what they are.
(22:27):
All day my husband kept makingsnide comments at me about not
being a good wife and anyone whocares about their loved one
wouldn't punish them whenthey're sick.
This guy is an idiot.
So I showed him your commentsand it finally shut him up.
I've received many DMs andthere's been a lot of comments
about hubby possibly getting meand our children sick.
Don't worry, the rest of us areokay.
(22:48):
Husband likely got foodpoisoning from eating food that
had been sitting in his workbreak room for nearly 24 hours.
So this guy's just a moron, yeah, someone said you had to remind
him to vomit in the bin orbathroom yeah, literally when
they're sick are the worst, theyare the such babies, oh my gosh
(23:14):
, such babies.
I swear I'm dying, I know.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
I remember when Jackson used to be sick and he'd
be like, oh, yes, and.
I'm like you're giving me aheadache.
My illness from you being sickis worse.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
He is definitely the all-time worst Worse than his
dad.
He is so bad and he gags andthrows up so violently and loud
yeah, yeah, no, she said notusually, but I could see him
from the dining room justsitting there, gagging, bent
over, not reaching for his trashcan, so I could see what was
(23:50):
going to happen oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
So he was like preemptively, like gagging, he
hadn't, he wasn't even activelythrowing up, and then he just
decided to vomit on the couch,on the floor.
Yeah, I would be like clean upyour own, your own vomit, idiot
oh, this person was like they.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
They always help their husband with their mess
and their sickness.
Um, aside from bodily waste,I'd pretty much instantly be
helping to clean it up.
To be honest, I'd probably helphim even with his puke, but not
if he acted entitled like that.
Nope, nuh-uh, not today.
Yes, oh, my gosh.
(24:30):
And then this other person waslike F, that If he can raise his
hands to his mouth to eat toast, he can use those same hands to
reach for a bucket to puke upin.
Yes, no, kidding, all right.
So she is not the asshole.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
All right.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
All right, you want to do one more, or you want to
be done, we can do.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
What do you want?
I don't have any more pulled up.
Oh, you don't?
Oh, okay, then we're done.
Okay, all right, because thatwas my last one, right?
Yep, I did too.
Yeah, yeah, um, we did yeah oh,you went for sure, right.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Okay, all right, we're done well, everybody was
not the asshole I know I feellike that doesn't happen very
often.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
No, it really doesn't most of the time that people
are an asshole, just a littlebit.
If you have to ask, sometimesyou are, but but not in this
case.
So all these people felt guilty.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
They didn't really reason yeah, all right, all
right, well, congratulations allof you, not assholes oh well,
we'll see you in two weeks allright, have a great week.
Bye.
Hey, welcome to Mind your Heart Podcast, your
favorite corner of the internetwhere we chat about all things
mental health.
I'm Emily.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
And I'm Trina.
Together, we're like yourreal-life Lorelai and Rory
Gilmore.
Each week, we'll bring you realconversations about the world
of mental health and we willpeel back layers on topics like
anxiety, depression and muchmore.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
We're here to chat with you about the tough stuff,
the everyday stuff andeverything in between.
So grab your emotional supportwater bottle I know we have ours
.
Find your comfiest chair orkeep your eyes on the road and
let's get into it.
Are you ready, mom?
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Absolutely.
Join us as we mind our heartsand hopefully make minding yours
a little easier.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Welcome back.
Welcome back to Mind your Heart.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Yes, welcome to Mind your Heart.
I'm Trina Devery.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
I'm Emily Dreylis.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
And we are a mom and daughter who never introduce
ourselves because we just neverthink about people finding us on
episode 30.
I feel like we do.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
We just haven't these past couple.
Normally I will say like I'mEmily and then you'll say I'm
Trina, but the last two episodeswe did not introduce ourselves.
Yeah, but we also have an intro.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
That's true.
I always forget that.
Yeah, all right, so today weare going back to an oldie, but
a goodie, like people seem toenjoy.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Am I the asshole?
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Yeah, am I the asshole Reddit responses.
So you want to go first?
Sure.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
Okay.
So this first one says am I theasshole for refusing to move in
with my boyfriend because hisdaughter doesn't like me?
My first response is no, youare not what do you think I
would probably say no too, like.
I mean like if you're notfeeling comfortable enough to
(02:01):
move in with someone, I don'tthink you should yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
I agree, and if the child doesn't like you, that's a
problem yeah, that's anon-negotiable yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
So I, 27 female, have been with my boyfriend, who's
32, for a little over two years.
He's amazing in so many wayskind, kind, supportive, and
we've seriously talked aboutmarriage and building a future
together.
He has two kids from hisprevious relationship, a
nine-year-old son and a12-year-old daughter.
(02:34):
His son and I actually getalong really well.
He's sweet and playful andseems happy to have me around,
but his daughter not so much.
She is never outrightdisrespectful, but it's been
clear from day one that shedoesn't like me.
She avoids me during visits,refuses to engage in the
conversation, giving one-wordanswers, and will flat out leave
(02:56):
the room if I sit down to watcha movie or join a family
activity.
I've tried to be patient becauseI understand that I'm the new
person and that kids canstruggle with these situations,
especially when it comes toloyalty to their mom.
I've really done my best.
I've never forced her to bondwith me.
I always give her space andI've tried inviting her to do
things like go out for ice creamshopping or little crafts, all
(03:20):
of which she's declined or justsat through awkwardly.
I even backed off when her dadsuggested family trips because I
didn't want to push and makethings worse.
Now here's the issue.
My boyfriend recently asked meto move in with him and the kids
.
He framed it as a natural nextstep in our relationship and
said it would help blend thefamily.
But I said no.
I told him gently, but honestlyI don't feel comfortable moving
(03:43):
in a home where one of the kidsclearly doesn't want me there.
I said I think it would onlycreate more tension and
resentment, especially if hisdaughter feels like I'm suddenly
invading her space full-time.
He did not take that well andtold me I'm letting a child
dictate our future and that if Itruly loved him I would be
willing to make this work andnot run away at the first
(04:04):
challenge.
He said his daughter just needsmore time and that living
together would help her get usedto me faster.
Even some of my friends aresaying I might be overthinking
this, that kids always warm upeventually and that I'm being
too cautious.
But in my gut I feel likemoving in now, when things are
already strained, would justmake everything worse, not
better.
I don't want to end up beingresented in my own home I have a
(04:27):
lot to say to this okay okay.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
First of all, um, I do not think she's overreacting.
I think she's following herinstincts, and her instincts are
not to make this move.
Um, I also think that there'stwo things, or several things.
First of all, the child is 12.
So 12-year-olds are a pain inthe asses.
Also, this is a girl whoprobably does feel like some
(04:55):
loyalty towards their mother,and if they love or like this
girl, this woman, then they'resomehow betraying their mom.
So I do think that happens andit's a totally understandable
feeling for kids.
It's very confusing.
The other thing that I think isthat the things that she's asked
the child to do, it sounds likeshe's doing some good things,
(05:17):
but the thing she's asked thechild to do, does the child like
those things or are those justthings that they picked?
Because the thing is, is youwant to get comfortable with the
child's interests what, whatinterests her and and ask to do
things around that?
Um, so that's one thing.
And then the other thing is isthat?
I don't?
(05:38):
I can see why if, if he wereproposing, if they were getting
married, that might be different, because in that case there
would be more of a willingnessto work it out, because it's
permanent and in the child'smind it's like I don't know if I
can trust you to stick around.
(05:59):
That's not the woman's fault.
That's because of the daddecisions yeah and how you
sometimes feel as a child ofdivorce.
You're not sure you can counton that person to hang in there
with you when it gets hard.
Yeah, um, and they've alreadyseen that they give up when,
(06:19):
like you know, and even if it's,it was a great divorce, even if
it was meant to be a divorce,it still feels like I don't know
if I can trust you inrelationships.
So I think that those feelingsneed to be taken into
consideration and I think thedad is minimizing the daughter,
(06:39):
which is a problem, and that'snot going to get better by just
ignoring her feelings.
I don't think she gets to tellthem how their relationship
progresses.
I do agree with that, but Idon't think that just acting
like she's just going to getover it is not the answer.
And if she had a more permanentreason to be moving in, then
(07:01):
that might seem like okay, thisis our next step, and also the
daughter can be included andpart of the process for that to
happen.
So that's what I think.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Yeah, I would agree.
I feel like there's like a lotof different like levels to this
.
Like I don't think that reallyanyone's the asshole I would say
say.
Like I would just say that thisis just like one of those
things where there's like a lotof it's just nuanced, like it's
not, it's not just one thing orthe other, like there's just a
(07:34):
lot of gray.
Um, I definitely was thinkingwhen I was reading about like
the activities and stuff.
I'm like what is the daughterlike to do?
Like, have you like putyourself into like her
activities instead of trying toget her to go into activities
with you?
Like because, like she'salready like being placed in a
situation where she's having togo into other people's
(07:58):
situations, whereas, like youneed to kind of meet her where
she's at um.
So, like I think that's onething um, I do like I wonder,
but I also I'm like we don'tknow anything about, like this
kid we don't know anything about.
Um, like the boyfriend, likethere are other like.
I'm like were her parents evertogether?
(08:20):
Like, maybe, like I don't evenknow if they were previously
married, it's just from aprevious relationship.
So maybe the kids like oh, okayyeah, I'm like not having really
anyone stick around like there.
I just feel like there's a lotof things here and yeah, because
is the mom they did.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
She did say something about like feeling, whatever
about the mom, but like is therelike a time sharing situation
and could she, in most placesthere are?
So could she, you know, spendthe night, be there a lot when
the kids aren't there, likefocusing on their relationship
and then, um, easing in when thekids are there?
Speaker 1 (09:03):
yeah so, and I don't think this person's doing
anything necessarily like wrong.
I think it's like a.
It's definitely a situationwhere you just kind of have to
like figure it out over time, soum, and I think that when
you're not ready to move in withsomeone like don't like, you
don't need to like rush that,like clearly there's also it's
(09:25):
not like there's a rush for thenep kids, like he's got two kids
, so like what's the point inrushing into moving in if, like,
both parties are notcomfortable with that?
Speaker 2 (09:36):
yeah, I agree, sorry, not the asshole um, yep, not
the asshole, all right.
Um, so this is another one thathas to do with a child.
Now I'm just reading just theheadline first right, and then
give going into the all right.
(09:57):
So am I the asshole for nottaking an 11 year old's word for
it?
For not?
Speaker 1 (10:04):
taking an 11-year-old's word for it.
Absolutely not.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
No yeah, 11-year-olds lie, and so, yeah, no, you're
not the asshole for that.
I mean, they might not be liars, they could be like honest,
wonderful child, but I don'tthink you have to completely
take their word for it.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
I feel like I need context, Because I'm like are
you just deciding to not believethem because it helps you out,
or like what's the deal here?
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Okay, so my 20, my 20 dad made some friends when he
studied abroad.
Is this person 20?
I think, um, one of them is avisit in our country right now.
One of them is is a visit inour country right now.
One of them is on a visit inour country right now.
He made some friends Let mestart this again my dad I don't
(10:51):
know what the 20 is, maybe it'sthe person.
My dad made some friends whenhe studied abroad.
One of them is on a visit inour country right now and he
brought 11, or his daughter,who's 11 with him.
He said, if I asked her to ournational museum, since it's good
for kids to practice some artappreciation, I said sure.
She wasn't very enthusiasticabout it, though when we were
(11:14):
waiting for the opening time,she pointed at a nearby cafe and
asked if I could buy her a cupof coffee, saying it's the least
I could do before making herspend two hours looking at some
boring stuff.
I hesitated and she said herdad lets her drink latte.
So I called him just to check.
He said yes, before asking didyou think my daughter is a liar?
Well, that's a little extreme,I mean.
(11:37):
And then he's like and then Ididn't know what to say.
It didn't occur to me thatthere was.
That was what I was insinuatingwhen I was expressing my doubt.
I, just wanted to be sure,ended up buying her oat milk
latte her preference beforetaking her on a tour.
Don't know if I was too anxious, but when I took her back to
the hotel her dad seemed kind offrosty towards me.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
That's stupid.
No, not the asshole.
You should ask the parent, whenit's an 11 year old, about
coffee first of all, who'sletting their 11 year old drink
coffee.
I have a problem with that,yeah, I would have been like no,
and also like why are youtalking to me?
like it's the least you can do,like damn, yeah, I mean, this
(12:23):
child sounds a little bit like abrat and the person visiting
sounds a little bit like a jerk.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
So, um, screw the 11 year oldand screw the visitor.
And yeah, how about you buyyourself and buy?
Speaker 2 (12:38):
your own latte.
Yep, I'm just gonna take youright on back to our dad and
they can deal with you and seeyou later.
So, yeah, because this personis a 20-year-old, they don't
want to spend time with an11-year-old that acts like a
jerk.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
No kidding, and also like to me.
I'm like do you think mydaughter is a liar?
I don't know your daughter.
You're a visitor from adifferent country.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
You're a stranger to me.
Yeah, yeah, I don't.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Sorry, I haven't gotten to know their patterns of
whether they tell the truth ornot in the span of 24 hours.
That's so stupid.
That is stupid.
I would be like it just soundsdumb, like to ask somebody that.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
Yeah, no, not the asshole.
Yep, maybe a little dumb fortaking a random person to the
museum and expecting it to goreally well but, yeah, okay, all
right, your turn.
Am I the asshole for notallowing visitors in my home
while I'm not around?
No, no, no, yeah, no, okay.
(13:48):
My husband and I recently movedour family to a new home,
literally three days ago.
Boxes everywhere, nothing inorder.
During the transition, I neededsome time to myself to clean
the old place.
My mom offered to babysit mybaby at her new home while I was
away.
No issues with that.
However, halfway through the dayI called to check on my baby
(14:10):
and mom and hear other childrenscreaming in the background,
confused, my mother tells me mybrother-in-law, niece and nephew
came over to see me but thendiscovered I wasn't home.
So, instead of leaving, theylet themselves in for the rest
of the day, several hours,without anyone that actually
lives at the home present.
When I communicated that myhusband and I were not okay with
(14:32):
my mom letting other peopleinto the house while we're not
home for a number of reasons,she got very defensive and said
well, they just walked inthemselves.
What am I supposed to do?
Kick them out.
Dot, dot, dot.
Yes, in all caps.
Anyway, we communicated theboundary with both
brother-in-law and mom.
But man, is this such a crazything to not want a bunch of
(14:54):
people in your home when you'renot around okay, I mean it is a
little petty.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
It is family member, it's not random strangers off
the street that she just letinto your house and the mom is
like, the grandma is still there, yeah.
Yeah, exactly, the grandma isthere.
It's not like they're in thereunsupervised.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
They're there with the grandma.
Yeah, the grandma.
Who's is this not the grandma'schildren also?
Yeah, like, so it's probablythe grandma to her baby and the
grandma to the kids.
So who?
Speaker 2 (15:30):
cares.
I mean, I understand that youdon't really feel like you want
people in the house when youhaven't put it together yet.
It's only been three days.
I might be a little bitstressed out about that, but
that's probably petty.
But it might make me stressedout about that, but that's
probably petty.
But I I might make make mestressed out.
But my own, my brother or mysister-in-law or my
brother-in-law, or well, I don'thave a brother-in-law anymore.
(15:50):
But in the past I mean maybe Iwould have been like could you
have asked?
Speaker 1 (15:55):
but um, I definitely wouldn't sounds like this,
sounds like people that likeoften come visit.
Because oh, that's true,because- they showed up like
they just showed up and expectedyou to be there, like they.
It's not like they came withthe intention of being like he,
he, like they're not like.
Like they came to come see youand then you just weren't there
and so.
(16:16):
But then the mom, the grandma,was there and they were like all
right, well, we'll just hangout until they get home.
Yeah, like that doesn't seemlike that big of a deal to me
because in my mind at least,with the context that we have,
these people visit with themoften.
Yeah, so it would be differentif they were like my
brother-in-law and sister-in-lawflew in all of a sudden and
decided to stay.
(16:36):
Like then I'd be like all right, that's a little too, I agree.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
So you're right, it's probably someone that just
stops, stopped by and yeah, Idon't and also it's not doing
anything to her.
She's not even there.
So unless she thinks they'remaking up some kind of a mess or
something, now I think she'sbeing a little ridiculous.
But she did just have a baby,so she might not be thinking
completely rationally.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
Um people are saying that they're not the asshole not
the asshole, especially sincethere were kids involved and who
knows what they'll get into.
Oh please these are your familymembers these are your nephew
yeah, I think I'd be lessbothered, but still bothered, if
it was just adults that stayedto say hi to your mom for a bit,
since she was already there.
(17:21):
But I don't want a bunch ofkids running around my new place
like that when I'm not there,and I'd still be annoyed about
adults staying to visit.
Okay, so that's certainly anopinion.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Yeah, well, I disagree with them.
I think she's being.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
A lot of people are saying, like, not the asshole.
Like why do people think thisis okay, Not the asshole?
This was unacceptable as hellthis is their freaking family.
This is your family members yeah, mom is there with the baby and
you don't allow her to havevisitors family.
I'm not sure I understand thatpart.
Does your brother-in-law knowyou don't want drop-ins and if
(17:59):
they stopped in to see you butyour mom was there, I'm not sure
I understand why you'd care ifthey visited with her and the
baby.
Not calling you the asshole,just sort of curious.
Curious what your reasons whyyour mom can watch your baby but
not have family there yeah, Iagree with that.
Yeah, I agree with that person,yeah all right, well, yeah, but
the rest of the comments arelike they're siding with her,
(18:22):
like being like.
This is crazy that these peoplecame over.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
Maybe they missed that it was family members.
I feel like it was pretty clearPeople often don't read to
comprehend I mean, that's thewhole point of reading, but it
feels like they don't sometimes,so I'm pretty sure that people
just skip right over details andthey don't even see them.
Um, that, that's what I'm gonnasay.
(18:48):
That's why so many people arethat way.
All right, ready for anotherone.
Yeah, am I the asshole formaking my sick husband clean up
his moment?
um like yes or no yeah like I, I, oh, I don't know I mean
(19:12):
cleaning up vomit is not fun andit is very gross and it makes
me feel like gagging sicknessand health.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
So I, what I mean I for this person they said in
sickness and in health yeah,you're right, but it's gross.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
I mean like, oh, I'm with you, I wouldn't want I
didn't even clean up your vomitlike your dad cleaned up the
vomit.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
I took care of the emotional part and he took care
of the sheets and the cleaningyeah, I feel like I'm like I
don't think this person is anasshole, but I also, I don't
know this it's not very nice.
Yeah, it's not necessarily likethe most helpful when they're
saying it's kind of.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
It's kind of.
It is kind of jerky.
I don't know about an asshole,but all right, so this is throw
away.
Why does it say throw away?
I have?
no idea I don't know either.
So my husband has been dealingwith a stomach bug of some kind
the last few days, vomitingdiarrhea, nausea, etc.
I've been taking care of himand the house and the kids by
(20:12):
myself.
Because it was uh, because ofit, which I hate when people do
misspelling, because I'm not agrammarly first people.
Yeah, because of it, which is alot of work with two and under
and two with two under five.
Oh gosh, yeah, that'sunderstandable.
This morning my husband wantedto try eating something so I
(20:36):
made him toast as requested, ashe was on the couch nibbling on
his breakfast.
I was making our toddlers theirbreakfast and feeding them when
I hear him violently gagging inthe other room.
He's been.
This is like Jackson.
He's been hanging out in theliving room during this entire
illness.
So he had a trash can there incase he had to puke or whatever.
(20:57):
I called out to him to rememberto use it or go to the bathroom
if he thought he was going tovomit.
He didn't listen and threw upall over the floor and got some
on the couch.
What an idiot.
What an idiot, I agree.
I mean, come on.
Husband then comes into whereI'm feeding our kids and says
(21:18):
he's gonna go to our room so Ican clean up his puke.
Yeah, no oh no she's.
I said absolutely not.
There was no, was really noreason for him to vomit all over
the floors.
I had been cleaning it up allweekend already, without
(21:42):
complaining when he was gettingsick by surprise.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
But he has plenty of time yeah, I don't understand
that either, like when peopleare like oh, I threw up, I'm
like you feel it coming, you do,you definitely do If you have
like a spontaneous throw upsituation like that's a little
bit different.
But you don't go, okay.
Peasant wife clean up my vomitwhile you take care of our two
(22:06):
children.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Yeah.
So she said okay.
So husband is now all mad at mefor not showing him a good
bedside manner.
You're not a nurse.
I know she's not the nurse, soam I the asshole Update?
Oh, she hasn't.
There's an update, okay.
So never expected so manycomments.
Feel very validated.
I have to see what they are.
(22:27):
All day my husband kept makingsnide comments at me about not
being a good wife and anyone whocares about their loved one
wouldn't punish them whenthey're sick.
This guy is an idiot.
So I showed him your commentsand it finally shut him up.
I've received many DMs andthere's been a lot of comments
about hubby possibly getting meand our children sick.
Don't worry, the rest of us areokay.
(22:48):
Husband likely got foodpoisoning from eating food that
had been sitting in his workbreak room for nearly 24 hours.
So this guy's just a moron, yeah, someone said you had to remind
him to vomit in the bin orbathroom yeah, literally when
they're sick are the worst, theyare the such babies, oh my gosh
(23:14):
, such babies.
I swear I'm dying, I know.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
I remember when Jackson used to be sick and he'd
be like, oh, yes, and.
I'm like you're giving me aheadache.
My illness from you being sickis worse.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
He is definitely the all-time worst Worse than his
dad.
He is so bad and he gags andthrows up so violently and loud
yeah, yeah, no, she said notusually, but I could see him
from the dining room justsitting there, gagging, bent
over, not reaching for his trashcan, so I could see what was
(23:50):
going to happen oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
So he was like preemptively, like gagging, he
hadn't, he wasn't even activelythrowing up, and then he just
decided to vomit on the couch,on the floor.
Yeah, I would be like clean upyour own, your own vomit, idiot
oh, this person was like they.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
They always help their husband with their mess
and their sickness.
Um, aside from bodily waste,I'd pretty much instantly be
helping to clean it up.
To be honest, I'd probably helphim even with his puke, but not
if he acted entitled like that.
Nope, nuh-uh, not today.
Yes, oh, my gosh.
(24:30):
And then this other person waslike F, that If he can raise his
hands to his mouth to eat toast, he can use those same hands to
reach for a bucket to puke upin.
Yes, no, kidding, all right.
So she is not the asshole.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
All right.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
All right, you want to do one more, or you want to
be done, we can do.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
What do you want?
I don't have any more pulled up.
Oh, you don't?
Oh, okay, then we're done.
Okay, all right, because thatwas my last one, right?
Yep, I did too.
Yeah, yeah, um, we did yeah oh,you went for sure, right.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Okay, all right, we're done well, everybody was
not the asshole I know I feellike that doesn't happen very
often.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
No, it really doesn't most of the time that people
are an asshole, just a littlebit.
If you have to ask, sometimesyou are, but but not in this
case.
So all these people felt guilty.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
They didn't really reason yeah, all right, all
right, well, congratulations allof you, not assholes oh well,
we'll see you in two weeks allright, have a great week.
Bye.
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