September 1, 2025 • 24 mins
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What happens when family members critique your clothing choices or lifestyle? When is it appropriate to step back from unreasonable demands? Today, we're tackling these questions through our popular "Am I The Asshole" segment, examining four scenarios that strike at the heart of personal boundaries and autonomy.
First, we explore an 18-year-old's dilemma when her aunt criticizes her bathing suit choice at a family camping trip. The generational divide becomes apparent as we unpack how older family members sometimes project shame onto younger women's bodies. We offer practical advice for addressing these uncomfortable situations without compromising your self-expression.
Next, we examine a fascinating case where financially independent adult children become targets of jealousy from family members whose kids haven't developed the same work ethic. The contrast between a 21-year-old who's been working since age 15 versus cousins who've "never worked a day in their lives" sparks an important conversation about how success can trigger others' insecurities.
The third scenario involves morning showers, overnight shifts, and household dynamics – seemingly small conflicts that reveal larger issues about whose comfort takes priority. When a girlfriend stops visiting after being told her 8:30am shower disturbs others, who's really being unreasonable?
Finally, we tackle the thorny issue of unpaid labor in relationships. When does helping your partner's business cross from supportive to exploitative? We break down why paperwork and site visits aren't just "helping out" – they're work that deserves compensation.
Throughout these discussions, we notice a pattern: people who question whether they're being unreasonable are often the ones with the healthiest boundaries. As Trina points out, "Someone who is an actual asshole is not asking if they're an asshole."
Join us for these thought-provoking conversations that will help you recognize when standing your ground isn't just acceptable – it's necessary for your wellbeing. Subscribe to Mind Your Heart Podcast for more candid discussions about mental health and navigating life's complicated moments.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, welcome to Mind your Heart Podcast, your
favorite corner of the internetwhere we chat about all things
mental health.
I'm Emily.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
And I'm Trina.
Together, we're like yourreal-life Lorelai and Rory
Gilmore.
Each week, we'll bring you realconversations about the world
of mental health and we willpeel back layers on topics like
anxiety, depression and muchmore.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
We're here to chat with you about the tough stuff,
the everyday stuff andeverything in between.
So grab your emotional supportwater bottle I know we have ours
.
Find your comfiest chair orkeep your eyes on the road and
let's get into it.
Are you ready, mom?
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Absolutely.
Join us as we mind our heartsand hopefully make minding yours
a little easier.
Hi, welcome back.
Hi, welcome back.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Today we're going to do an Am I the Asshole segment,
which is just our favorites todo.
I'm going to just jump right in, okay, all right to do.
Um, I'm gonna just jump rightin, okay, all right.
So the first one is am I theasshole for wearing a bathing
suit?
I knew my aunt would beuncomfortable seeing me in.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
no, yeah, I agree, like that's the aunt's problem.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
So no.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Okay, I, 18, female, go on an annual camping trip
with my dad's side of the family.
We go up, barbecue, gathersticks, swim on the lake you
know the usual stuff.
But recently I've been dreadingto go on the trips because my
50-year-old female aunt alwayshas a problem with what I wear.
(01:45):
This already irritates me alittle.
Context she's an amazing auntwhen it comes to me my brother
but I feel like she always over,is always overly harsh on me.
Maybe it's because I'm the lastgirl in the family who knows,
but every single time I goanywhere, she says you shouldn't
be wearing that or it's tooinappropriate, you're too young
(02:08):
to be wearing stuff like that.
Mind you, most things I wearare crop tops and she's having a
problem with it.
It always makes me feelinsecure about it, and it got to
a point where I wasoverthinking what I should wear.
I guess I overshared.
But here's the thing I'm askingam I the asshole?
I have a bathing suit that Ihaven't worn for a year.
I bought it with my money lastyear, just never wore it because
(02:30):
of what my family would say.
But I decided to wear itbecause I really wanted to wear
it before it doesn't fit me, sowe were getting ready to go to
the lake.
I changed, put some shorts on,but since it was hot, I just let
my bathing suit top on.
She just wore her bathing suityeah.
(02:51):
I went to get something from herarea of the tent.
Immediately she asks me what amI wearing?
I said calmly that this is mybathing suit.
She says to go back and put ashirt on and to learn to respect
myself.
It made me feel very insecurethat she thinks I'm not
respecting myself.
She never said anything again,but she avoided me the rest of
(03:12):
the trip.
Now I'm wondering if I'm theasshole for wearing something I
knew she would be uncomfortablein with.
I'm just sick of alwaysthinking about what to wear and
how others will react.
So am I the asshole?
Speaker 2 (03:26):
no, no, she is not the asshole.
If she, she should be able towear what she feels comfortable
wearing.
I think the issue is the ummassive generational gap and um
because that, that old aunt isaround my age and so I'm like we
(03:49):
were kind of made to feelashamed of our bodies and that's
not a good, healthy thing.
However, in the 90s, crop topswere a thing.
In fact, I myself got willed ashirt to cover my midriff in
high school because I wore themso frequently.
(04:12):
And you know, oh well, and whatI have to say to those people,
they were just jealous because Ihad a very flat stomach I don't
anymore, but I did and theycould just whatever.
If you feel good like youshould be able to wear what you
feel good in.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Yeah.
Yeah, a lot of these people arelike you're 18, too young for a
crop top.
That's like prime crop top age,not the asshole.
Wear what you want and tellyour aunt to mind her business,
not the asshole.
Next time, ask her loudly toplease stop commenting on your
body, as it makes youuncomfortable.
Yes, I agree with that, one forsure.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Yeah, what is her problem with?
Speaker 1 (04:55):
it.
Yeah, and somebody said itappears that she's the one who
doesn't respect you.
Politely, let her know she'swelcome to her opinion, but
you're not a child and she's notin charge of what you wear.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
And also like we kind of need to look at ourselves
anyway as society.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Like.
Why are?
We judging people based on,also not appropriate.
Why are you, as an aunt,looking at your niece in a way
that's like, oh, that's notappropriate for showing like her
stomach or wearing a bathingsuit, like with family?
A little bit strange to me thatyou think that that your mind
is going there.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Well, I didn't think of it like that, but I think
it's just.
Yeah, they're.
They're coming from twodifferent, totally different
places.
But I wonder, like if the auntherself like what she did when
she was 18 years old.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
She's probably insecure.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
She could have been insecure or she could have done
that, and then she just nowthinks it's shameful.
Who knows yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Regardless, this person is not the asshole, yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
I agree, not the asshole.
Yeah, all right, I'll go, yourturn Not the asshole yeah.
All right, I'll go your turn.
Well, I just found another onethat I didn't see before.
Um, so since it's kind of inthat same vein, I'm gonna go
(06:18):
with this one okay unless it'syour second one, um, let's see.
Read it out loud all right am Ithe asshole for letting my
daughter flaunt her expensiveitems?
Speaker 1 (06:31):
um, no for letting her like I mean, how old's your
daughter?
Like, because to me I'm likeletting like is she an adult?
Because if she's an adult, thenshe's just making the decision
you know she's 21, thedaughter's 21, oh, yeah, then no
(06:52):
, you're not letting her doanything.
She's making an active choice.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
Yeah, okay, so the person I is 50.
She's a 50-year-old female andmy husband, who's a 48 male,
have a daughter, danica, who's21, who has been extremely
independent her whole life.
Danica began working when shewas 15, and now she works
(07:17):
part-time for a largecorporation while pursuing her
studies.
We are extremely proud of herand how hard she has worked.
We generally allow her tomanage her own finances and she
insists on contributing monthlyto family expenses with the
money she earns.
Danica occasionally likes tomake pricier purchases, which I
did not have any concern over,as I think they are sensible
(07:39):
financial choices, like lastyear she decided to purchase the
newest MacBook, as her oldlaptop was on its last leg and
she wanted something reliableand long-lasting, or when she
bought a Mark Jacobs' bag forwork and university.
Yeah, I mean, she's earning themoney, so yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Also letting her Again with the whole.
She's 21.
Yeah, like you think it's agood choice.
It doesn't matter if you thinkit's a good choice or not.
She's an adult.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Yeah, so would you.
How would you not let her?
She is an adult.
Do not let her.
She is an adult.
So I doubtfully don't thinkthere's more to it, though she
said we recently went on afamily trip with my brother and
his family, who have two kids oftheir own, Tammy, 20, female,
and Nick, 23, male.
His kids and Danica aren'texactly close, but they get
(08:31):
along fine for the most part.
I know that Tammy and Nick donot have any source of income
because my brother and and mybrother and have not.
I hate when people do this mybrother and have not worked a
day in their life.
What, yeah, so the?
So Tammy and Nick, I guess, arethe kids.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
The nieces and the nephew.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
And they have not worked a day in their life is
what I think she's trying to say, but she left out some words.
Anyway, during the trip, danicawould occasionally pay for the
three of them, for small thingslike drinks or food.
Well, that was nice, yeah.
When we were shopping, danicabought a few items for herself
and picked up gifts she wantedto bring back to her friends and
picked up gifts she wanted tobring back to her friends.
(09:14):
During dinner that night, mysister-in-law, her brother's
wife, told my husband and methat we were spoiling Danica too
much with her purchases.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
How are you spoiling them?
She's an adult making money onher own?
Speaker 2 (09:27):
Yeah, and she's been working since she was 15.
We explained that Danica earnedher own money and every cent
came from her job, sister-in-law, and first of all, why?
Well, who cares what you think?
Speaker 1 (09:38):
sister-in-law yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Sister-in-law then proceeded to point and tell
Danica that, if that was thecase, point Proceeded to point
and tell Danica that if that wasthe case, she shouldn't be
flaunting her purchases anditems in front of her cousins
who don't have a cushy littleoffice job Get one then, yeah
and parents who spoiled her intothe person she is.
(10:02):
I think that's ridiculous.
Danica apologized politely,saying that she didn't mean to
flaunt her things, but I couldtell that she was upset and
embarrassed.
My husband stood up and shotback, saying that Danica
shouldn't have to apologize forher own hard work.
I also pointed out that Danicahas been financially independent
since she was 15 and that we'vealways done our best not to
(10:25):
spoil her.
She doesn't have to explainherself.
Sister-in-law then proceeded totell me that we weren't
teaching her how to manage herfinances correctly and that all
this money had turned her into alittle brat.
First of all, she is managingher money.
She's paying towards the familyexpenses, which is more than she
needs to do to begin with yeahand well, you know, maybe or
(10:49):
maybe not, but tammy and nickdon't do anything, still worried
about her own kids and alsoit's none of this aunt's
business, like I don'tunderstand where she her opinion
, matters in this.
I think that's rude.
Danica excused herself to thebathroom and texted that she had
gone back to the hotel.
We had a tense back and forthfor the rest of the dinner and
we came back to finding Danicacrying in her hotel room.
(11:12):
I called my brother hoping thathe is able to talk to his wife.
But he explained that for thepast few days Tammy had been
crying to her parents about nothaving what Danica had.
She had been whining to her mom,oh my god, I was going to say I
knew they were Australian orBritish or something, because
she was spelling one of thewords with an S and not a Z.
(11:35):
She had been whining to her momthat she wanted the newest
macbook as well, but she refusedto get it for her that's not,
she's 20, what 23?
yeah, okay, figure it out, dudemyself, danica and my husband
have been getting called fromthe rest of the family, some
calling us assholes and some whowere willing to hear us out and
understand where we're comingfrom.
(11:55):
So am I the asshole?
Speaker 1 (11:57):
no no yeah no, this sister-in-law aunt person is,
yeah, very insecure and jealousand it looks really ugly on them
yeah, and also okay, this iswhat someone said.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
So two grown adults complained to their parents
about what a third grown adulthas bought with her own money.
Do they not realize howpathetic that sounds?
Yeah, not the asshole.
Your daughter has done nothingwrong.
Yeah, and uh.
And someone else said it'sobvious whose kids are being
spoiled, and it's not Danica.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
No kidding, it's literally the opposite.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
That's wild yeah that's even a situation that
exists, is like stupid to me.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Yeah, I agree.
So we say nope, you are not.
So that's two for nothing.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
All right, your turn okay, am I the asshole for
another one letting mygirlfriend stop coming over in
the mornings after my mom'sfriend complained about her
showering?
The title was confusing.
I read the first sentence andit made no sense.
(13:16):
Okay, say the title one moretime.
Am I the asshole for letting mygirlfriend stop coming over in
the mornings after my mom'sfriend complained about her
showering?
Speaker 2 (13:27):
So he's not letting, he's making, he's making his
girlfriend not come over.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
And take a shower at his house, correct?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
I would say you sound a little bit like an asshole.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
I would say so too, because you're not letting her.
You're, yeah, just the wordingitself makes me be like you,
seem like you might be theasshole, little bit like an
asshole.
I would say so too, becauseyou're not letting her.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
You're um.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Yeah, just the wording itself makes me be like
you seem like you might be theasshole.
Yeah, I think.
If he's asking her not to takea shower for whatever dumb
reason, yeah I do.
Because if he doesn't want herto take a shower because she's
using up water of his or hisfamily's or whatever, that's one
thing.
It's stupider than that.
Okay, that that would be onething, but to do it based on
(14:08):
some random friend of whatever,no, yes, yes, I think you are
the asshole.
All right, go ahead, mygirlfriend works 12-hour
overnight shifts.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Oh wow, 7 pm to 7 am.
After work she sometimes comesto my place to shower and sleep.
She usually arrives around 8.15, takes a quick shower by 8.30,
then crashes for the day.
Here's where the issue comes in.
My mom's long-term friend whorents the basement, complained
that the sound of the shower at8.30 am woke him up.
(14:39):
My mom passed that complaintalong to me and asked if my
girlfriend could avoid showeringuntil everyone is awake.
I told my girlfriend and shefelt uncomfortable continuing to
come over.
Understandably, in my opinion.
After working all night, thelast thing she wants is to feel
like she's disturbing peoplejust by taking a basic shower
(15:01):
before bed.
So she decided not to come overin the mornings anymore.
She didn't cause drama or makea scene, just quietly adjusted.
I later told my mom what mygirlfriend decided and she got
upset, not because of the shower, but because my girlfriend
chose to stop coming over in themornings.
My mom insists that wasn't herintention, but from our
(15:23):
perspective, asking someone notto shower after a night shift
pretty clearly sends the messagethat their presence is
disruptive.
Yeah, for context, I also payrent in this house.
My mom's friend has lived herefor years and pays rent too.
We all share the space.
It's not like my girlfriend wasbeing loud or unreasonable,
just taking a five to ten minuteshower in the morning, which
(15:44):
seems pretty standard.
Now my mom's upset with me, butI feel like I handled it fairly
.
I passed the message along, mygirlfriend made a calm and
mature decision and now somehowI'm caught in the middle.
Am I the asshole for notpushing back harder on the
complaint or for letting mygirlfriend decide to stop coming
over in the mornings?
Okay, I get the wording, thewording now.
(16:05):
The wording makes more sensenow that I'm doing this.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
He's not letting her yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
I actually don't.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
I don't think he's the asshole.
I think the mom is the one thatshould have.
She sounds a littlemanipulative.
Yeah, I think she soundsbecause she doesn't get to
dictate how the girl, what shedoes and doesn't do, when she
gets there or not.
I think she should tell therenter friend in the basement to
(16:34):
get some earplugs or get asound machine and get over it
Also.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
it's 5 to 10 minutes.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
It's 8.30 in the morning.
We're not talking about 6 or 5.
Yeah, it's not an unreasonabletime, no, so I think that's dumb
.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
And also, if you're like, okay, like you want to
sleep later than that, fine, butit's five to ten minutes.
Go back to sleep.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Yeah, well, some people can't go back to sleep,
but either way, that's not herproblem.
It's not, and also I would nothave passed that along.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
No, I wouldn't have either.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Because I would be like no, he lives here too, and
that's part of him living here,and she's here at whatever time
and she's taking a shower, andcan she not flush the toilet as
well?
I know Like what that'sridiculous.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Yeah, I think that's so stupid Because also I'm like
to me.
I think that's so stupidbecause also I'm like it to me.
I'm like you can hear herprobably walking around, or you
can hear other things.
So are people just not allowedto exist around you?
If that's the case, then youprobably shouldn't be renting a
basement then, brother.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Yeah, go and also usually can't hear in a basement
.
I don't think I think they'rebeing dumb, like I think.
I think I think it's dumb and Idon't think the mom should have
said anything.
So if anyone's the asshole, Ithink it's the mom, and then on
top of it the girl does what shewants and she's mad about it,
like yeah, that's ridiculous,literally.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Um, someone said 8 am is not early to be showering.
Most people have to be at workby 8 am or 8 30 is not early to
be showering.
Most people have to be at workby 8 and would be showering.
Most people have to be at workby 8 am or 8 30 is not early to
be showering.
Most people have to be at workby 8 and would be showering at 6
or 7.
Your mom should have shut downthe complaint and not brought it
to you if she didn't want yourgirlfriend to act on it.
Weird, but you are not theasshole yeah, I agree yeah I
(18:20):
agree too.
It is a completely appropriatetime to be taking a shower.
Also, how loud are the showers?
Yeah, even in the basementshould not be dictating when
people take a shower.
When it's completely reasonableof an hour, yeah I agree.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Yeah, it's not three o'clock in the morning.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
No, even so, yeah, you live there.
You're allowed to take a shower.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
I don't know how they would hear that in the basement
.
But okay, um, all right, sohere's my last one.
Okay, whoops, okay.
Am I the asshole for refusingto regularly help out at my
boyfriend's business in person?
(19:03):
No, I don't think so either.
I don't think you should haveto help out at my boyfriend's
business in person.
No, I don't think so either.
I don't think you should haveto help out for free.
I don't think you have to workfor friends or family for
nothing.
I agree, I think that'sridiculous.
Yeah, let's see.
My boyfriend is very businessdriven.
That's good.
He franchised a burger shop ayear ago and recently opened a
(19:26):
second branch.
I wasn't super involved in thefirst one because business stuff
just isn't my thing.
I tried helping with hisFacebook page, but he was very
particular and would get upsetif I didn't do things his way,
which led to arguments.
So I stepped back and justsupported him by listening,
giving input and helping onlinewhen needed.
Now he's asking me to bephysically present more often to
(19:47):
help.
I don't know how far that is.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
I don't either.
Wait, let me ask how far is 30kilometers and miles?
30 kilometers and miles?
Speaker 2 (20:03):
the answer is 18.64 miles.
That's not that bad, yeah, allright.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
So like 20, 30 minutes away, um, and I don't
have more than that, becausetampa is like 10 miles away, so
it's about an hour, an hour anda half.
No way, yes, way you think,yeah, here I'll look up um no,
let's just keep going.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Um, anyway, this girl doesn't have a car, so she's
yeah, she's got to get to 18miles away with the out of car
would be an expensive uber.
Yeah, I also have a full-timejob, so commuting that far
regularly is really hard for me.
He used to pick me up sometimes, but with how busy he is now he
(20:51):
can't anymore.
I want to support him and I'mokay helping sometimes, but I
feel like he's asking too much.
Am I being unreasonable?
No, no, not at all.
And then she said no, we bothhave full-time jobs.
How he manages it, how he hemanages all, I don't know and
I'm honestly amazed by him.
Edit not working, not exactlyworking at his two branches, but
(21:12):
helping him manage it, doingpaperwork, stocking up that's
working I know, at thosebranches, going with him when he
does site visits etc that'scalled personal assistant.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Yeah, that is working in a job that should be paid
yeah, that I agree.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Not the asshole.
You are his partner and not hisworker.
How would he like it if youasked to be paid?
Yeah, he is asking for too much.
It's his business and hedecided to open a new branch.
He can do the work himself orhire someone to.
Yes, you're in your full time.
Why is this falling to you?
Speaker 1 (21:54):
yeah, yeah.
And also if you, if he was likeopening this branch and was
like I'm gonna need your helpwith this, that should have been
a discussion between the two ofthem.
Yeah, not just you must dothese things for me, master,
like that's not how it works.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
No, I'm gonna.
I'm gonna need some help.
Or are you willing, orsomething, or, if she, offered
help.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Like I don't even ever ask Jake for help,
sometimes he'll offer help to meand I'll be like, no, I can't,
I don't know how to, and we'regetting married yeah, well, and
I and even when you were helpingme during the pandemic, I paid
you, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
I was like you're like no, I, I can do it for free
.
And I'm like, no, you'reworking, yeah, so, um, and this
person says not the asshole, ifhe doesn't explicitly employ you
as in pay you for the help youprovide is his business, then
you don't owe him any time,especially not if it's going to
impact your actual job Out.
(22:52):
There are major issues likebeing unable to get to the
location because you don't havea car.
Sounds like your boyfriend istotally exploiting you for free
labor.
Paperwork is still work.
Site visits is work.
Either he pays you for it likeproper, officially, not under
the table, or you don't getinvolved in his business.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Correct, I agree, I agree, all right, all right, so
no one was the asshole this timearound.
Did you do two as well, I?
Speaker 2 (23:19):
did.
I don't know why.
All this confuses me.
All right, once again, this hasbeen like a common thing.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Yeah, this confuses me.
All right, once again, this hasbeen like a common thing.
Yeah, well, so I was thinkingabout.
This is like when people areactively trying to check and see
if they are being an asshole.
I feel like right off the bat,it gives you some credit because
, like, you're a little bitaware of like a situation,
whereas, like normally, someonewho is an actual asshole is not
asking if they're an assholethat's true, that is true.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Yeah, that is true.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
I mean, we have had some assholes, though we
definitely have, but like it'snot as common as it is to not
have an ass.
Yeah that's true and the peoplewho are assholes are normally
kind of dumb yeah and they, theycome on kind of dumb, yeah, and
they come on kind of thinkingthat they're not, but then
everybody else is like no,you're kind of stupid and you're
(24:13):
mean.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
My two most despised qualities Mean and stupid.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
Oh gosh, all right, well, until next time.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
We will see you in a couple weeks.
Bye, bye.
Hey, welcome to Mind your Heart Podcast, your
favorite corner of the internetwhere we chat about all things
mental health.
I'm Emily.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
And I'm Trina.
Together, we're like yourreal-life Lorelai and Rory
Gilmore.
Each week, we'll bring you realconversations about the world
of mental health and we willpeel back layers on topics like
anxiety, depression and muchmore.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
We're here to chat with you about the tough stuff,
the everyday stuff andeverything in between.
So grab your emotional supportwater bottle I know we have ours
.
Find your comfiest chair orkeep your eyes on the road and
let's get into it.
Are you ready, mom?
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Absolutely.
Join us as we mind our heartsand hopefully make minding yours
a little easier.
Hi, welcome back.
Hi, welcome back.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Today we're going to do an Am I the Asshole segment,
which is just our favorites todo.
I'm going to just jump right in, okay, all right to do.
Um, I'm gonna just jump rightin, okay, all right.
So the first one is am I theasshole for wearing a bathing
suit?
I knew my aunt would beuncomfortable seeing me in.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
no, yeah, I agree, like that's the aunt's problem.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
So no.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Okay, I, 18, female, go on an annual camping trip
with my dad's side of the family.
We go up, barbecue, gathersticks, swim on the lake you
know the usual stuff.
But recently I've been dreadingto go on the trips because my
50-year-old female aunt alwayshas a problem with what I wear.
(01:45):
This already irritates me alittle.
Context she's an amazing auntwhen it comes to me my brother
but I feel like she always over,is always overly harsh on me.
Maybe it's because I'm the lastgirl in the family who knows,
but every single time I goanywhere, she says you shouldn't
be wearing that or it's tooinappropriate, you're too young
(02:08):
to be wearing stuff like that.
Mind you, most things I wearare crop tops and she's having a
problem with it.
It always makes me feelinsecure about it, and it got to
a point where I wasoverthinking what I should wear.
I guess I overshared.
But here's the thing I'm askingam I the asshole?
I have a bathing suit that Ihaven't worn for a year.
I bought it with my money lastyear, just never wore it because
(02:30):
of what my family would say.
But I decided to wear itbecause I really wanted to wear
it before it doesn't fit me, sowe were getting ready to go to
the lake.
I changed, put some shorts on,but since it was hot, I just let
my bathing suit top on.
She just wore her bathing suityeah.
(02:51):
I went to get something from herarea of the tent.
Immediately she asks me what amI wearing?
I said calmly that this is mybathing suit.
She says to go back and put ashirt on and to learn to respect
myself.
It made me feel very insecurethat she thinks I'm not
respecting myself.
She never said anything again,but she avoided me the rest of
(03:12):
the trip.
Now I'm wondering if I'm theasshole for wearing something I
knew she would be uncomfortablein with.
I'm just sick of alwaysthinking about what to wear and
how others will react.
So am I the asshole?
Speaker 2 (03:26):
no, no, she is not the asshole.
If she, she should be able towear what she feels comfortable
wearing.
I think the issue is the ummassive generational gap and um
because that, that old aunt isaround my age and so I'm like we
(03:49):
were kind of made to feelashamed of our bodies and that's
not a good, healthy thing.
However, in the 90s, crop topswere a thing.
In fact, I myself got willed ashirt to cover my midriff in
high school because I wore themso frequently.
(04:12):
And you know, oh well, and whatI have to say to those people,
they were just jealous because Ihad a very flat stomach I don't
anymore, but I did and theycould just whatever.
If you feel good like youshould be able to wear what you
feel good in.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Yeah.
Yeah, a lot of these people arelike you're 18, too young for a
crop top.
That's like prime crop top age,not the asshole.
Wear what you want and tellyour aunt to mind her business,
not the asshole.
Next time, ask her loudly toplease stop commenting on your
body, as it makes youuncomfortable.
Yes, I agree with that, one forsure.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Yeah, what is her problem with?
Speaker 1 (04:55):
it.
Yeah, and somebody said itappears that she's the one who
doesn't respect you.
Politely, let her know she'swelcome to her opinion, but
you're not a child and she's notin charge of what you wear.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
And also like we kind of need to look at ourselves
anyway as society.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Like.
Why are?
We judging people based on,also not appropriate.
Why are you, as an aunt,looking at your niece in a way
that's like, oh, that's notappropriate for showing like her
stomach or wearing a bathingsuit, like with family?
A little bit strange to me thatyou think that that your mind
is going there.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Well, I didn't think of it like that, but I think
it's just.
Yeah, they're.
They're coming from twodifferent, totally different
places.
But I wonder, like if the auntherself like what she did when
she was 18 years old.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
She's probably insecure.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
She could have been insecure or she could have done
that, and then she just nowthinks it's shameful.
Who knows yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Regardless, this person is not the asshole, yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
I agree, not the asshole.
Yeah, all right, I'll go, yourturn Not the asshole yeah.
All right, I'll go your turn.
Well, I just found another onethat I didn't see before.
Um, so since it's kind of inthat same vein, I'm gonna go
(06:18):
with this one okay unless it'syour second one, um, let's see.
Read it out loud all right am Ithe asshole for letting my
daughter flaunt her expensiveitems?
Speaker 1 (06:31):
um, no for letting her like I mean, how old's your
daughter?
Like, because to me I'm likeletting like is she an adult?
Because if she's an adult, thenshe's just making the decision
you know she's 21, thedaughter's 21, oh, yeah, then no
(06:52):
, you're not letting her doanything.
She's making an active choice.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
Yeah, okay, so the person I is 50.
She's a 50-year-old female andmy husband, who's a 48 male,
have a daughter, danica, who's21, who has been extremely
independent her whole life.
Danica began working when shewas 15, and now she works
(07:17):
part-time for a largecorporation while pursuing her
studies.
We are extremely proud of herand how hard she has worked.
We generally allow her tomanage her own finances and she
insists on contributing monthlyto family expenses with the
money she earns.
Danica occasionally likes tomake pricier purchases, which I
did not have any concern over,as I think they are sensible
(07:39):
financial choices, like lastyear she decided to purchase the
newest MacBook, as her oldlaptop was on its last leg and
she wanted something reliableand long-lasting, or when she
bought a Mark Jacobs' bag forwork and university.
Yeah, I mean, she's earning themoney, so yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Also letting her Again with the whole.
She's 21.
Yeah, like you think it's agood choice.
It doesn't matter if you thinkit's a good choice or not.
She's an adult.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Yeah, so would you.
How would you not let her?
She is an adult.
Do not let her.
She is an adult.
So I doubtfully don't thinkthere's more to it, though she
said we recently went on afamily trip with my brother and
his family, who have two kids oftheir own, Tammy, 20, female,
and Nick, 23, male.
His kids and Danica aren'texactly close, but they get
(08:31):
along fine for the most part.
I know that Tammy and Nick donot have any source of income
because my brother and and mybrother and have not.
I hate when people do this mybrother and have not worked a
day in their life.
What, yeah, so the?
So Tammy and Nick, I guess, arethe kids.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
The nieces and the nephew.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
And they have not worked a day in their life is
what I think she's trying to say, but she left out some words.
Anyway, during the trip, danicawould occasionally pay for the
three of them, for small thingslike drinks or food.
Well, that was nice, yeah.
When we were shopping, danicabought a few items for herself
and picked up gifts she wantedto bring back to her friends and
picked up gifts she wanted tobring back to her friends.
(09:14):
During dinner that night, mysister-in-law, her brother's
wife, told my husband and methat we were spoiling Danica too
much with her purchases.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
How are you spoiling them?
She's an adult making money onher own?
Speaker 2 (09:27):
Yeah, and she's been working since she was 15.
We explained that Danica earnedher own money and every cent
came from her job, sister-in-law, and first of all, why?
Well, who cares what you think?
Speaker 1 (09:38):
sister-in-law yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Sister-in-law then proceeded to point and tell
Danica that, if that was thecase, point Proceeded to point
and tell Danica that if that wasthe case, she shouldn't be
flaunting her purchases anditems in front of her cousins
who don't have a cushy littleoffice job Get one then, yeah
and parents who spoiled her intothe person she is.
(10:02):
I think that's ridiculous.
Danica apologized politely,saying that she didn't mean to
flaunt her things, but I couldtell that she was upset and
embarrassed.
My husband stood up and shotback, saying that Danica
shouldn't have to apologize forher own hard work.
I also pointed out that Danicahas been financially independent
since she was 15 and that we'vealways done our best not to
(10:25):
spoil her.
She doesn't have to explainherself.
Sister-in-law then proceeded totell me that we weren't
teaching her how to manage herfinances correctly and that all
this money had turned her into alittle brat.
First of all, she is managingher money.
She's paying towards the familyexpenses, which is more than she
needs to do to begin with yeahand well, you know, maybe or
(10:49):
maybe not, but tammy and nickdon't do anything, still worried
about her own kids and alsoit's none of this aunt's
business, like I don'tunderstand where she her opinion
, matters in this.
I think that's rude.
Danica excused herself to thebathroom and texted that she had
gone back to the hotel.
We had a tense back and forthfor the rest of the dinner and
we came back to finding Danicacrying in her hotel room.
(11:12):
I called my brother hoping thathe is able to talk to his wife.
But he explained that for thepast few days Tammy had been
crying to her parents about nothaving what Danica had.
She had been whining to her mom,oh my god, I was going to say I
knew they were Australian orBritish or something, because
she was spelling one of thewords with an S and not a Z.
(11:35):
She had been whining to her momthat she wanted the newest
macbook as well, but she refusedto get it for her that's not,
she's 20, what 23?
yeah, okay, figure it out, dudemyself, danica and my husband
have been getting called fromthe rest of the family, some
calling us assholes and some whowere willing to hear us out and
understand where we're comingfrom.
(11:55):
So am I the asshole?
Speaker 1 (11:57):
no no yeah no, this sister-in-law aunt person is,
yeah, very insecure and jealousand it looks really ugly on them
yeah, and also okay, this iswhat someone said.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
So two grown adults complained to their parents
about what a third grown adulthas bought with her own money.
Do they not realize howpathetic that sounds?
Yeah, not the asshole.
Your daughter has done nothingwrong.
Yeah, and uh.
And someone else said it'sobvious whose kids are being
spoiled, and it's not Danica.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
No kidding, it's literally the opposite.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
That's wild yeah that's even a situation that
exists, is like stupid to me.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Yeah, I agree.
So we say nope, you are not.
So that's two for nothing.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
All right, your turn okay, am I the asshole for
another one letting mygirlfriend stop coming over in
the mornings after my mom'sfriend complained about her
showering?
The title was confusing.
I read the first sentence andit made no sense.
(13:16):
Okay, say the title one moretime.
Am I the asshole for letting mygirlfriend stop coming over in
the mornings after my mom'sfriend complained about her
showering?
Speaker 2 (13:27):
So he's not letting, he's making, he's making his
girlfriend not come over.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
And take a shower at his house, correct?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
I would say you sound a little bit like an asshole.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
I would say so too, because you're not letting her.
You're, yeah, just the wordingitself makes me be like you,
seem like you might be theasshole, little bit like an
asshole.
I would say so too, becauseyou're not letting her.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
You're um.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Yeah, just the wording itself makes me be like
you seem like you might be theasshole.
Yeah, I think.
If he's asking her not to takea shower for whatever dumb
reason, yeah I do.
Because if he doesn't want herto take a shower because she's
using up water of his or hisfamily's or whatever, that's one
thing.
It's stupider than that.
Okay, that that would be onething, but to do it based on
(14:08):
some random friend of whatever,no, yes, yes, I think you are
the asshole.
All right, go ahead, mygirlfriend works 12-hour
overnight shifts.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Oh wow, 7 pm to 7 am.
After work she sometimes comesto my place to shower and sleep.
She usually arrives around 8.15, takes a quick shower by 8.30,
then crashes for the day.
Here's where the issue comes in.
My mom's long-term friend whorents the basement, complained
that the sound of the shower at8.30 am woke him up.
(14:39):
My mom passed that complaintalong to me and asked if my
girlfriend could avoid showeringuntil everyone is awake.
I told my girlfriend and shefelt uncomfortable continuing to
come over.
Understandably, in my opinion.
After working all night, thelast thing she wants is to feel
like she's disturbing peoplejust by taking a basic shower
(15:01):
before bed.
So she decided not to come overin the mornings anymore.
She didn't cause drama or makea scene, just quietly adjusted.
I later told my mom what mygirlfriend decided and she got
upset, not because of the shower, but because my girlfriend
chose to stop coming over in themornings.
My mom insists that wasn't herintention, but from our
(15:23):
perspective, asking someone notto shower after a night shift
pretty clearly sends the messagethat their presence is
disruptive.
Yeah, for context, I also payrent in this house.
My mom's friend has lived herefor years and pays rent too.
We all share the space.
It's not like my girlfriend wasbeing loud or unreasonable,
just taking a five to ten minuteshower in the morning, which
(15:44):
seems pretty standard.
Now my mom's upset with me, butI feel like I handled it fairly
.
I passed the message along, mygirlfriend made a calm and
mature decision and now somehowI'm caught in the middle.
Am I the asshole for notpushing back harder on the
complaint or for letting mygirlfriend decide to stop coming
over in the mornings?
Okay, I get the wording, thewording now.
(16:05):
The wording makes more sensenow that I'm doing this.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
He's not letting her yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
I actually don't.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
I don't think he's the asshole.
I think the mom is the one thatshould have.
She sounds a littlemanipulative.
Yeah, I think she soundsbecause she doesn't get to
dictate how the girl, what shedoes and doesn't do, when she
gets there or not.
I think she should tell therenter friend in the basement to
(16:34):
get some earplugs or get asound machine and get over it
Also.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
it's 5 to 10 minutes.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
It's 8.30 in the morning.
We're not talking about 6 or 5.
Yeah, it's not an unreasonabletime, no, so I think that's dumb
.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
And also, if you're like, okay, like you want to
sleep later than that, fine, butit's five to ten minutes.
Go back to sleep.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Yeah, well, some people can't go back to sleep,
but either way, that's not herproblem.
It's not, and also I would nothave passed that along.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
No, I wouldn't have either.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Because I would be like no, he lives here too, and
that's part of him living here,and she's here at whatever time
and she's taking a shower, andcan she not flush the toilet as
well?
I know Like what that'sridiculous.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Yeah, I think that's so stupid Because also I'm like
to me.
I think that's so stupidbecause also I'm like it to me.
I'm like you can hear herprobably walking around, or you
can hear other things.
So are people just not allowedto exist around you?
If that's the case, then youprobably shouldn't be renting a
basement then, brother.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Yeah, go and also usually can't hear in a basement
.
I don't think I think they'rebeing dumb, like I think.
I think I think it's dumb and Idon't think the mom should have
said anything.
So if anyone's the asshole, Ithink it's the mom, and then on
top of it the girl does what shewants and she's mad about it,
like yeah, that's ridiculous,literally.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Um, someone said 8 am is not early to be showering.
Most people have to be at workby 8 am or 8 30 is not early to
be showering.
Most people have to be at workby 8 and would be showering.
Most people have to be at workby 8 am or 8 30 is not early to
be showering.
Most people have to be at workby 8 and would be showering at 6
or 7.
Your mom should have shut downthe complaint and not brought it
to you if she didn't want yourgirlfriend to act on it.
Weird, but you are not theasshole yeah, I agree yeah I
(18:20):
agree too.
It is a completely appropriatetime to be taking a shower.
Also, how loud are the showers?
Yeah, even in the basementshould not be dictating when
people take a shower.
When it's completely reasonableof an hour, yeah I agree.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Yeah, it's not three o'clock in the morning.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
No, even so, yeah, you live there.
You're allowed to take a shower.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
I don't know how they would hear that in the basement
.
But okay, um, all right, sohere's my last one.
Okay, whoops, okay.
Am I the asshole for refusingto regularly help out at my
boyfriend's business in person?
(19:03):
No, I don't think so either.
I don't think you should haveto help out at my boyfriend's
business in person.
No, I don't think so either.
I don't think you should haveto help out for free.
I don't think you have to workfor friends or family for
nothing.
I agree, I think that'sridiculous.
Yeah, let's see.
My boyfriend is very businessdriven.
That's good.
He franchised a burger shop ayear ago and recently opened a
(19:26):
second branch.
I wasn't super involved in thefirst one because business stuff
just isn't my thing.
I tried helping with hisFacebook page, but he was very
particular and would get upsetif I didn't do things his way,
which led to arguments.
So I stepped back and justsupported him by listening,
giving input and helping onlinewhen needed.
Now he's asking me to bephysically present more often to
(19:47):
help.
I don't know how far that is.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
I don't either.
Wait, let me ask how far is 30kilometers and miles?
30 kilometers and miles?
Speaker 2 (20:03):
the answer is 18.64 miles.
That's not that bad, yeah, allright.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
So like 20, 30 minutes away, um, and I don't
have more than that, becausetampa is like 10 miles away, so
it's about an hour, an hour anda half.
No way, yes, way you think,yeah, here I'll look up um no,
let's just keep going.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Um, anyway, this girl doesn't have a car, so she's
yeah, she's got to get to 18miles away with the out of car
would be an expensive uber.
Yeah, I also have a full-timejob, so commuting that far
regularly is really hard for me.
He used to pick me up sometimes, but with how busy he is now he
(20:51):
can't anymore.
I want to support him and I'mokay helping sometimes, but I
feel like he's asking too much.
Am I being unreasonable?
No, no, not at all.
And then she said no, we bothhave full-time jobs.
How he manages it, how he hemanages all, I don't know and
I'm honestly amazed by him.
Edit not working, not exactlyworking at his two branches, but
(21:12):
helping him manage it, doingpaperwork, stocking up that's
working I know, at thosebranches, going with him when he
does site visits etc that'scalled personal assistant.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Yeah, that is working in a job that should be paid
yeah, that I agree.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Not the asshole.
You are his partner and not hisworker.
How would he like it if youasked to be paid?
Yeah, he is asking for too much.
It's his business and hedecided to open a new branch.
He can do the work himself orhire someone to.
Yes, you're in your full time.
Why is this falling to you?
Speaker 1 (21:54):
yeah, yeah.
And also if you, if he was likeopening this branch and was
like I'm gonna need your helpwith this, that should have been
a discussion between the two ofthem.
Yeah, not just you must dothese things for me, master,
like that's not how it works.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
No, I'm gonna.
I'm gonna need some help.
Or are you willing, orsomething, or, if she, offered
help.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Like I don't even ever ask Jake for help,
sometimes he'll offer help to meand I'll be like, no, I can't,
I don't know how to, and we'regetting married yeah, well, and
I and even when you were helpingme during the pandemic, I paid
you, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
I was like you're like no, I, I can do it for free
.
And I'm like, no, you'reworking, yeah, so, um, and this
person says not the asshole, ifhe doesn't explicitly employ you
as in pay you for the help youprovide is his business, then
you don't owe him any time,especially not if it's going to
impact your actual job Out.
(22:52):
There are major issues likebeing unable to get to the
location because you don't havea car.
Sounds like your boyfriend istotally exploiting you for free
labor.
Paperwork is still work.
Site visits is work.
Either he pays you for it likeproper, officially, not under
the table, or you don't getinvolved in his business.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Correct, I agree, I agree, all right, all right, so
no one was the asshole this timearound.
Did you do two as well, I?
Speaker 2 (23:19):
did.
I don't know why.
All this confuses me.
All right, once again, this hasbeen like a common thing.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Yeah, this confuses me.
All right, once again, this hasbeen like a common thing.
Yeah, well, so I was thinkingabout.
This is like when people areactively trying to check and see
if they are being an asshole.
I feel like right off the bat,it gives you some credit because
, like, you're a little bitaware of like a situation,
whereas, like normally, someonewho is an actual asshole is not
asking if they're an assholethat's true, that is true.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Yeah, that is true.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
I mean, we have had some assholes, though we
definitely have, but like it'snot as common as it is to not
have an ass.
Yeah that's true and the peoplewho are assholes are normally
kind of dumb yeah and they, theycome on kind of dumb, yeah, and
they come on kind of thinkingthat they're not, but then
everybody else is like no,you're kind of stupid and you're
(24:13):
mean.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
My two most despised qualities Mean and stupid.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
Oh gosh, all right, well, until next time.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
We will see you in a couple weeks.
Bye, bye.
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