December 30, 2024 • 30 mins
In this episode of Mindfully Masculine, Charles and Dan dive into the essentials of intimacy, exploring Chapter 9 of The Man’s Guide to Women. Discover how to foster deeper connections with your partner by challenging common myths, understanding the emotional and physical dynamics that drive intimacy, and addressing the influence of pornography on our expectations. We unpack the importance of communication, emotional connection, and how small shifts in your approach can lead to more fulfilling experiences in and out of the bedroom.
Plus, hear about Dan’s milestone 50th birthday party, and the surprising lessons that came with it. If you’re ready to enhance your relationship, elevate intimacy, and show up as the best partner possible, this episode is for you.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
- The disconnect between porn and real intimacy
- Emotional prerequisites for intimacy – how men and women differ
- Practical tips for fostering connection and pleasure
- Why “man up” is never the best advice for intimacy growth
🎧 Tune in now to Mindfully Masculine for insights that could transform your relationship.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Charles (00:00):
Welcome back to the Mindfully Masculine podcast,
where we explore theintersection of personal growth,
relationships and becoming thebest version of yourself, inside
and out.
I'm Charles, and today we'rediving into a topic that can
transform the way you show upfor your partner, both
emotionally and physically.
This episode is titled Be HerBest and, as you might guess,
(00:20):
we're talking about intimacy,connection and how to bridge the
gap between what we think weknow and what really matters to
the women in our lives.
We'll break down the lessonsfrom Chapter 9 of the Man's
Guide to Women getting realabout the myths that shape our
expectations, the dynamics thatdrive intimacy and how small
shifts can lead to deeper, morefulfilling experiences.
(00:43):
This isn't about complicatedtechniques or unrealistic ideals
.
It's about understanding thefundamentals of connection and
making sure you're showing up ina way that makes her feel seen,
desired and appreciated.
We'll also get into themisconceptions around
pornography, how it can skew ourunderstanding of intimacy and
why learning to communicate bothin and out of the bedroom is
(01:04):
one of the most valuable skillsyou can develop as a partner.
So if you're ready to level upyour relationship, stick around,
let's dive in.
Good morning Charles.
How are you?
Good morning, dan.
I'm doing okay.
It's been a busy couple of days, but here we are.
You had your makeup birthdayparty, right?
Dan (01:23):
I had my makeup 50th birthday party.
Yeah, so one of my buddies thatI went to kindergarten with and
high school with Mike.
He came, flew out fromCalifornia.
It was great to be able to hangout with him a little bit.
It was a combined party with mygirlfriend's daughter and so
there was a lot of people there.
There was a lot of food there,a lot of interesting decor
making fun of me there.
(01:44):
That was interesting.
Yeah, I'll have to share thatwith you offline.
Here I'll show you some of thedecor.
It was a great surprise.
Even though I was there helpingout a little bit, there was
still a lot of the decorationsand a lot of things that my
girlfriend and her friends didand helped out with and it made
it amazing.
The food was so good.
Everybody asked if it wascatered and my girlfriend had
(02:05):
cooked it all and had likeprofessional shaving dishes and
everything out.
I was just really I was honoredand impressed at like how much
I cheated and how much thepeople who came did for me and
everybody had a really good timeand, yeah, I was really
flattered and it was greatbecause I got to extend my
birthday again.
So I had an amazing cruise backin October, an amazing
(02:28):
hurricane.
That let me extend my cruise bya day.
That was amazing.
It was amazing.
There's no damage here from thehurricane.
Charles (02:35):
I'm going to label that hurricane as not so amazing.
Dan (02:38):
Yeah, it turned out amazing for me because I was able to
sell my RV Congratulations Atthe same point and I was looking
to do that as well.
So that worked out.
So it was.
It's been good so far so knockon wood that keeps up.
Charles (02:51):
Let's get into the into chapter nine.
Chapter nine is called.
I believe it's be her best,let's see.
I'm working my way back to thebeginning of the chapter here,
paging through on my.
It's a long chapter.
It took me 40 something minutesto listen to it this morning,
becoming her best ever, a primeron passionate sex.
And we will not be goingthrough all of the how-to's in
(03:14):
this chapter.
I do recommend that others docheck that out.
But you and I are going to boilthis down to the principles to
keep in mind more than the touch, this way type of uh,
play-by-play, because, like Isaid, it is a long chapter.
Here are the principles to keepin mind more than the touch,
this way type of play-by-play,because, like I said, it is a
long chapter.
Here are the principles that wesee at the end of the chapter
in the cheat sheet.
First is forget everythingyou've learned from watching
(03:35):
porn.
And I will say don't forgeteverything you've learned from
watching porn, but don't confusepornographic sex for real sex.
I think that's the thing too.
Don't set, don't have yourexpectations for how things go
and how things feel.
Don't set those based on whatyou've seen in pornography.
(03:57):
There there will be someoverlap in the kind of sex that
you enjoy and that your partnerenjoys with what in pornography.
But don't look for it to matchup even 50 of the time, because
there are going to be listenpeople who sell pornography,
whether that's an independentartist on only fans or a
multinational pornographycompany.
(04:19):
They're both looking to sell aproduct.
They're looking to putsomething out there that the
most people will respond to andbe willing to pay money for, and
so it's not their job to bepublic sexual intellectuals
where their goal is to helppeople set reasonable
expectations or to make peoplesmarter and better at sex.
(04:40):
That's not what they're lookingto make money doing, so don't
expect that's what they're goingto offer you.
Dan (04:46):
Yeah, it's not that different than food products
that are created, right, it'sgoing to be hyper palatable,
hyper sellable.
It's going to be very addictive, if you will.
Same thing with porn stuff.
It's going to be like to theextreme as much as possible that
will elicit sales.
That's really the undertonehere.
It's simply, with food productsand everything else like that,
(05:06):
it's not necessarily the bestway about going about eating,
it's not the best way aboutgoing away, about going for sex,
things like that.
So it's got this filter and areally strong filter of let's
make this sellable and by doingthat, sometimes it's going to be
addictive in some certain ways,right, so they're going to be
(05:29):
trying to do that the whole time.
But it can be difficult todistinguish, I think, between
what real sex should be like inporn, because how many other
examples do we get of real sex?
What that half a semester inhealth class?
Right, they don't really gointo any of that.
Charles (05:45):
They're certainly not showing us videos or anything.
Dan (05:48):
No, so it's like what, where else are you getting this
information from other than,like your buddies or your
girlfriends sitting around atbrunch, or guys at sitting
around a sports bar or in thelocker room?
Like, where else do we get thisinformation from?
I can see why it's such anissue with so many people and
how many times we get it wrongand a lot of times why it takes
(06:11):
so many years to figure out howto do it in a different way, how
to do things in a way where itactually it still feels good and
you feel connected and you'renot.
You know two extremes, andthat's the thing too is they
also say in this book too is yes, sometimes that's okay, but not
right away, and so it's.
It can be really confusingunless you're intentionally
going out and reading books likethis and seeking that
(06:33):
information out in terms of bestpractices.
Right.
Charles (06:36):
Yeah, it's, you're absolutely right.
It's hard to get people excitedto buy things that are not
super stimulating, and thatapplies to cars and pornography
and flat screen TVs, all thosethings.
So, yeah, just keep in mindthat you are a customer, you're
not a student, and that's howyou're being viewed by these
folks that put out this materialA hundred percent.
(06:57):
I will get into a little bitabout the porn addiction that
they mentioned in this chapter.
I will go through the list offive things that Gottman
mentions as okay.
Here are some indications thatyou might have a problem that
you want to look at solving.
But if you go down this listand you don't have these
problems, then hey, more powerto you.
Enjoy whatever.
Whatever works for you, keepdoing what works and when it
(07:18):
doesn't work, stop doing it.
That's going to be my attitudewith anything as far as drugs,
porn, alcohol, whatever vicesare out there.
Look, if you figure out a waythat you can use these and
you're not having negativeoutcomes and everything's great
and you find your life is better, then, god bless, keep doing it
.
If it's getting to the pointwhere you're seeing consequences
(07:38):
in other areas of your lifethat you care about, then you
should probably discontinuethese things, and that's going
to be my attitude.
I'm a moderate guy politically,and I'm also a moderate guy
when it comes to telling otherpeople what they should or
shouldn't be doing.
Dan (07:51):
My approach has been taking a break from things like
alcohol, masturbating, porn,things like that for a certain
period of time a week or two,whatever.
That is monitoring how thingsgo for me.
I'm just trying to remember,hey, I'm in the middle of not
doing X or whatever that is, andjust seeing hey, do I have a
little bit more energy?
Am I a little bit more focused?
(08:11):
Am I performing better in onearea or another?
How is this affecting me?
And then it helps me gauge whatit actually is doing when I am
regularly drinking or regularlymasturbating whatever that is
because a lot of times I thinkwe can fall into this is just
how I feel and not realize thebenefits that we can get from
(08:36):
taking a break or not doing itat all.
I'm staining the word I waslooking for, yeah, so I like to,
and I'll do it with caffeine aswell, and I'll just go like a
week or two and just see, hey,how are things going, and that
just gives me a little bit of ataste of is this something I
want to keep in my life?
And or maybe it's something Iwant to keep, but maybe scale
back a little bit, maybe not doquite as much as I was doing
before, because I'm feeling soamazing, or I'm feeling I had
(08:59):
all these great outcomes becauseI took this while I was not
doing these things.
Yeah, could be a little placeboeffect possibly a little bit,
but who cares.
Charles (09:08):
Yeah, yeah, no, I look, almost three years ago you and
I did a dry January to see whatwhat would be like.
And I haven't had alcohol since.
And I think one of the waysthat is one of the reasons
that's working for me is becausewhen we went into it initially
we just were doing it as anexperiment.
Not, there was nothing.
Neither of us had the attitudeof alcohol bad me need to stop
(09:30):
alcohol.
It was just like, hey, this issomething people do.
They give up drinking forJanuary, let's do it too and see
what it's like.
And we went on February 1st, Ithink you and I went out
February 1st or close toFebruary 1st and we were going
to have a drink to celebrate dryJanuary being over and you were
like, yeah, I'll take a drink.
And you had it.
And I was like, on secondthought, I don't think I want to
(09:50):
and I feel like, whether it'sporn, masturbation, weed alcohol
, whatever it is, if you can gointo it with a mindset of I'm
going to try this experiment andsee what it's like, to give it
up for a little bit and then youdon't tie any kind of morality
to it, I'll be a better personif I don't do this, and I'll be
(10:14):
a bad person if I do.
If you can just completelyeliminate it, it makes it so
much easier to just do it andtry and observe yourself than if
you tie a bunch of moral valueto this activity.
And so that's where I try tosay look, if you've got concerns
about your pornographyconsumption and here are the
concerns that he mentions One,you're becoming antisocial.
(10:34):
Two, you're keeping your pornwatching secret.
I think that really mostlyapplies to if you've got a
partner.
You shouldn't be telling thepeople you work with about your
porn watching.
But if you've got a partner andyou're keeping it a secret from
them, then that might be aproblem.
If you lose track of time whilewatching porn, like, oh my gosh,
five hours just flew by, yeah,that might be an issue.
Porn is interfering with yoursex life.
(10:56):
Or you start thinking sexshould be like porn and sex
that's not like porn.
There's something wrong with it.
If you've got those five thingsbouncing around your head, then
it may be high to say okay, Ishould probably.
I should at least see if I'mable to take a break from this.
And if you find I can't take abreak from this, then that's
another indicator that you mighthave a an issue that you need
(11:18):
to deal with yeah, no, those aregood things to look at for sure
all right.
So then he goes into a littlebit more detail on how porn sex
is different from quote unquotereal sex, and I think that's
valuable to get into.
The one thing that I reallylike about this chapter is he
does take on the myth that menlike sex more than women and
(11:43):
behave differently when it comesto sex than women do.
And again, we're talking aboutaverages.
You can't say anything isalways true or always false,
black and white style.
But I like the way that hebasically says men have fewer
prerequisites to sex than womendo, and I think that's a great
way to put it.
Where there's less that has tofall into place for a man to be
(12:06):
ready and willing to have sexthan for a woman, and that could
be with partner selection, thatcould be with how the day or
the week has been going for youin other areas.
With men it's yeah, I could behaving a pretty rough day, I
could be having some personal orprofessional turmoil, but in
(12:27):
many cases that won't get in theway of me wanting to have sex.
Where, with women, some ofthose things could have a bigger
impact and if thoseprerequisites are not being met
for them the things that theyrequire, then it's going to be
difficult for them to get into astate of desire where they want
to have sex.
But I would say that thatdoesn't mean that when we
(12:48):
actually do have, when we as menand women do have sex, that
they enjoy it any less or itfeels less good to them.
Dan (12:53):
What helped me cut through a lot of the fluff was when he
had said men and women both needemotional connection, but they
get it in different times.
So in order for a woman to havesex, they need to feel
emotionally connected first.
And a man feels emotionallyconnected after he has sex with
a woman and by and largeobviously there's exceptions,
(13:14):
but that's typically the way itworks and that shows that
there's a lot less that needs tocome before the man.
No pun intended there forprerequisite for sex versus a
woman, so that emotionalconnection.
That doesn't happen in aninstant, so it's not like a
light switch, so that has to bethere, which is what he's
alluding to with thisprerequisite having to be there
(13:36):
before sex.
Charles (13:38):
Yeah, and we've talked about that dynamic before of the
average woman needing emotionalconnection come before sex and
men needing the sex to comebefore the emotional connection.
That dynamic could definitelylead to some frustrating
outcomes when it comes to thingslike the dead bedroom situation
, where it's okay the guy is notgetting the sex, so he doesn't
(14:01):
feel emotionally connected.
The woman's not getting theemotional connection, so she
doesn't feel like the sex.
And so, as a result, you getinto these negative feedback
loops where your relationshipjust keeps getting worse and
worse because nobody is willingto say, okay, I'm going to meet
my partner's needs, even thoughI feel like my needs aren't
going to, my needs aren't beingmet.
And no, it's like a game ofsexual chicken where nobody
(14:23):
wants to be the first one toinvest in the relationship,
feeling like they're not goingto get anything in return.
And so if both people are, youknow, too preoccupied with
protecting themselves, thenthings just aren't going to
change and that pattern is notgoing to be broken sex from
(14:43):
masturbating and the orgasm youhave for masturbating.
Dan (14:46):
When he was talking about how it takes men and women both
the same amount of time about 10minutes to come from
masturbating and that'sdifferent.
That's more of a physiologicaltype of release in both cases.
So it's not that a womandoesn't need to feel necessarily
connected to somebody in orderto masturbate in the same thing
obviously with a guy.
(15:06):
I think he was using that inthe context of don't, as a man,
don't think you need to spendhours and hours with foreplay in
order for a woman to enjoy sexwith you.
It she can enjoy it.
If you are doing things theright way, you're feeling more
connected.
If you're looking at a purephysical, biological point of
(15:28):
view, it takes both men womenthe same amount of time to to
come from sex, so to come frommasturbating.
So it really is.
It's not like theyphysiologically need this
emotional connection in order tocome.
That that connection, that thatworld, that safety, that all
needs to be there beforehand.
Obviously, and knowing that Ifeel like you can be a little
(15:48):
bit as a guy, you can be alittle bit more patient and a
little bit more open toinvesting in foreplay, which
literally can start earlier inthe day.
It doesn't close on.
Charles (16:00):
It's the little flirty comments you can make, that how
you appreciate her andcommunicating that with her, and
that all starts to build buildup that, those good feelings,
that connection yes, I agreewith all that and thinking about
it as an all day or even an allrelationship process, not just
(16:21):
a talks about how, you know, mencan get into this routine of
kiss the lips, touch the breastright, maybe make an attempt at
finding the clitoris andtouching it and then inserting
the penis and that's just justthe script.
And you got to be ready tobreak that script sometimes and
mix things up and do theunexpected so that you can keep
(16:44):
things exciting.
Because one of the things wetalk about on this podcast all
the time with relationships isit is the man's job, at least
the way we see it, to find abalance between security, safety
and excitement.
And spontaneity in the bedroomis going to be part of that
excitement of not just turningit into a routine where she can
set her watch by how long you'regoing to spend doing this thing
(17:06):
before you start doing thisother thing.
He does say and this is whereI've got some disagreement with
Dr Gottman in the way that he'schosen to express this Oral sex
is a must for pleasing andsatisfying a woman.
We'll start there.
I've been with women who werenot all that into oral sex.
Now, was that because I'mterrible at it.
(17:27):
Possibly, but I don't think so.
They've stated to me both inour relationship and in previous
relationships, like no, I'mjust more into some other things
than I am into that, and Ienjoy some other things more
than I enjoy oral sex.
So, first, he says oral sex is amust for pleasing and
satisfying a woman, and Idisagree because I've been with
partners who weren't all thatinto it.
(17:47):
And then, second, he says ifyou don't like it, get over it.
And this is where you and Italked about this last week
before we recorded our lastpodcast.
If you don't like something,get over.
It is not the advice we give toanybody who's looking to
improve their life or get betterat some skill that they find is
important.
If you don't like this thing, Idon't see dr gottman or his
(18:10):
wife julie giving that kind ofadvice to women when it comes to
oral sex.
If you don't like having apenis in your mouth, just get
over it.
If somebody said that to awoman, or if a partner of mine
or a friend, a platonicgirlfriend of mine, said hey,
I'm reading this new book aboutsex and I'm not really into
giving oral sex, but this doctorsaid if you don't like a penis
(18:32):
in your mouth, just get over it.
Dan (18:38):
I would say it's time to put that book down and stop
going to them for advice.
Yeah, I'm really surprised,considering how thoughtful all
the rest of this book is, forthem to just take that shortcut
and not offer.
Okay, make the joke, but then Ithink the appropriate thing
would be to talk somebody howthey could ease into it, into
feeling a little bit morecomfortable doing those types of
things.
Charles (18:58):
They did not do that no , they certainly did not do that
.
And furthermore, to make iteven worse, in in the actual
part of the I'm looking to getinto the text of this chapter,
they actually use the if for anyreason, you do not like oral
sex, we say get over it, man, upman.
The idea that if someone has asexual preference to not do a
(19:21):
certain act, attacking theirmasculinity over it, saying
you're not enough of a manbecause you don't like this,
it's look, I, if I had a friend,if you came to me, or somebody
came to me and said, hey, mygirlfriend wants me to give her
oral sex and I'm not into it, myapproach would be like okay,
why are you not into it?
What are some things you mightbe willing to try that might
lead you to getting into it?
(19:42):
But the idea of then, sorry,dan, you're just no kind of real
man If you don't like doingthis, I would never try to
encourage my friends or somebodyI care about by attacking their
masculinity.
And okay, look, maybe I'm beinga little prickly about this or a
little sensitive, but look, Ithink in generally, in general,
saying things like man up tosomebody in the realm of self
(20:05):
improvement does no good inalmost all harm.
Yeah, I'm disappointed thatthat John or Julie or one of
their coauthors decided thatwould be four of them.
That have somebody when theybragged about how many years of
experience.
Disappointed that that john orjulie or one of their co-authors
decided that would.
Dan (20:15):
There's four of them that have somebody.
They bragged about how manyyears of experience they have
between the four of them and itwas like over a hundred or
something in this area.
Yeah, somebody should havethrown a judge.
They should have thrown a flaglike that yeah, a little sloppy,
yeah, I agree.
Charles (20:30):
So, look, if that's something you're not into, I
would encourage you to startthinking about why am I not into
this?
What could I do to be into it?
What are the potential reasonsthat I don't find this appealing
?
And look, if it's becauseyou've heard stories about that
act not being manly or not beingsomething, and I think maybe
that's what they had in mindwhen they decided to voice it
(20:51):
that way, I remember watchingthe Sopranos.
Junior Soprano had a problemwith performing oral sex on
women and the idea that if itgot out, that would lower his
status as a mobster or Italianman or something.
Dan (21:03):
Wow, I didn't know that.
That's interesting.
Maybe that was something in theculture years ago.
I wasn't aware of that.
Maybe that's what that is.
Charles (21:14):
Yeah, he's an older guy , so maybe that's where it comes
from and maybe he's trying towork against the you're not a
real man if you do this.
So no, that's what it soundslike to me.
That's the direction say you'renot a real man if you don't do
this.
It's like neither of those areeffective ways to to teach
people things or persuade themto try new things interesting.
Dan (21:31):
I didn't realize that was part of the culture back then.
I saw the Sopranos with Spencea long ago.
I basically forgot it all.
Charles (21:36):
I didn't realize.
Again, maybe there's guyswalking around with that mindset
of oh, if you're a real man,you don't do this.
And to that I say the argumentof you're not a real man if you
do this or you're not a real manif you don't do this are both
stupid and wasted wasted yourtime and it's ridiculous.
So yeah, that's where I've gotan issue with what he said.
Most women need clitoralstimulation to have an orgasm.
(21:57):
Get real good at finding it andtouching it in a way that she
finds to be pleasurable, anddon't be afraid to ask for
directions.
And you can do that either inthe moment or you can do that
after in a non-sexual thing.
It's, I think we said in thelast chapter don't stop sex to
interrogate your partner.
It's, I think we said in thelast chapter don't stop sex to
interrogate your partner.
You can certainly learn to seenonverbal communication when it
(22:19):
comes to that, but you can alsohave some conversations about it
too, to say, hey, did you likethat?
Did you not like that?
Was I in the right place?
Was I in the wrong place?
There's no problem with havingthose conversations because
ultimately it's going to makeyou better at what you're trying
to be good at.
Dan (22:33):
Yeah, slow down, listen for cues right, pay attention, feel
, listen to the noises thatshe's making, how her body's
moving.
But that will clue you inwithout having to ask those
questions when you are in themoment.
So really just try to heightenyour senses, get those spidey
senses going and figure outwhat's happening, how she's
reacting to the different placesthat you're at.
(22:54):
Take your time and just give ita little bit of time and she
might actually start to move youin the right positions and
things without even having theconversation.
So I think, yeah, I think she'sgoing to appreciate the effort
that's being made and will helpyou do what you want to do.
Yeah.
Charles (23:11):
Yeah, and another thing I'll offer is if you do have a
partner who's willing to say inthe moment, don't stop doing
that or keep doing that, thenfollow her instructions because
she, if possible until she tellsyou that, okay, you can do
(23:40):
something else now.
Dan (23:41):
Don't attempt the Seinfeld swirl at that point.
Charles (23:44):
No, don't attempt anything at that point except to
maintain the rhythm, the speed,the pressure.
Whatever you're doing, don'tchange it until you see, either
verbal or nonverbal cues, thatokay, you got the job done.
A hero.
And again, at the end of thesechapters, he's got this hero
versus zero thing.
The hero also makes love to awoman by holding her after the
(24:04):
sex is over.
This is a great source ofpleasure for women.
Yes, cuddling after sex I enjoyit too.
I don't know who these guys arethat, as soon as they're
exhausted from the pleasure oftheir own orgasm and their
partners, the first thing theywant to do is throw some pants
on and walk out the door.
I've never really understoodhow that's a thing.
It's no, I want to cuddle, thenI want to go to sleep, in that
(24:26):
order.
So that's probably what shewants to do as well.
Be prepared for that,understanding that, the cuddling
, the conversation after sex isa big deal to women and with
some training you can make it abig deal to you too, and you can
get a lot out of it as well.
All right, you ready for thelist of stuff not to do?
Dan, I am Don't believe thatsex is all about getting up,
getting in and getting off.
(24:48):
Okay, what a clever little rhymethat is.
So you might be a zero if youdon't explore her body and read
her signs and signals.
Don't think sex should be likeporn, or especially sex should
be just like porn.
Again, there are going to besimilarities because putting
hard things in tight places,just like the lady on TV or the
guy on TV but there are going tobe a lot of big differences as
(25:10):
well, and you should read thischapter to get a better feel for
all the different ways thatpornography and sex are not the
same.
Don't ignore the clitoris.
Don't fail to take time to makelove to her body and help her
get aroused.
Oh, that's one thing.
He talked about, this concept ofdiscordance, which I learned a
lot about from the book Come asyou Are by Emily Nagowski, and
some of these numbers werepretty surprising.
(25:32):
Only about 10% of the time thata woman has a physiological
response to sex is she actuallygoing to desire having sex, and
only about half the time that aman gets an erection is it
actually about him wanting tohave sex with someone.
Okay, blood flows to privateparts for lots of different
(25:53):
reasons.
Okay, blood flows to privateparts for lots of different
reasons.
It just be so unsexual Correct.
It's usually not sexual.
It's a coin flip for men andit's a one out of ten for women.
Just because that reaction ishappening physiologically does
not mean somebody wants to havesex or is ready to have sex.
Dan (26:10):
Okay.
Charles (26:11):
So don't think that every woman is the same and
follow the same sexual routinewith all women.
Do show affection outside ofthe bedroom.
Don't hold on to a belief thatoral sex is not something that
you could do or should do.
Just be open to exploring thatand, if it's not something that
(26:32):
you're currently into, bewilling to dig a little deeper
to figure out why that is.
If the reason you're not intooral sex is because you had one
experience years and years agowhere there was a smell or a
taste you didn't like, that'snot enough reason to write it
off for the rest of your life.
Dan (26:43):
And things can be done, even if there's currently that
issue.
Correct Her partner.
Charles (26:47):
there are things that can be done for that, yes,
conversations can be had andinterventions can be done to
make that not a problem.
And again, you might be a zeroif you try to run out the door
after sex or certainly, if youtry to kick her out the door
after sex, assuming you don'tlive together.
Sage advice if you do livetogether and you try to make her
leave after sex, that's evenworse.
All right.
(27:08):
Anything else from this chapterthat we didn't cover that you
think that needs to be?
I, I get this is a long chapter.
I I encourage you to buy thebook, read the book, listen to
the audio book and hear all thedetails that we're not getting
into, because they are important.
But it's also important for meto not have a podcast where I'm
going through in super detailedfashion of all the things you
(27:30):
should be doing to be better atsex.
That's not what I'm looking todo.
I'm looking to give you forthat.
Yes, I'm giving you the highpoints and I'm saying you should
visit this book if you want toget better at sex.
Dan (27:40):
Yeah, it's a good recommendation.
Charles (27:41):
I think there's a lot of valid information in here,
and the next part of this bookthat we're going to start is
called Living With A Woman, andwe're going to get into topics
that make it easier to live withanother person, especially a
romantic partner who happens tobe a woman.
We're going to cover a chaptercalled learn to fight like a
(28:01):
girl.
Why does it take so long to buya pair of shoes and best
friends forever?
So that'll get into some of thesources of both joy and
conflict that come when you havea woman as a central part of
your life.
Dan (28:15):
Yeah, I really learned a lot from the shopping
information.
That was always a source offrustration for me, but once I
heard this and I read this inthe chapter, I was like, okay,
this is that's.
It makes total sense after youhear the way they explain it,
and it just ended a lot offrustration in my mind when it
came to shopping with women.
Charles (28:35):
Yeah, I think I am better at shopping than a lot of
guys, but it is still.
It's still a mission orientedactivity for me.
Even I'm willing to take on themission of let's buy you a
fancy dress for an upcomingdinner that we're going to, but
I still, in a lot of ways, lookat it as the mission where a lot
of guys, a lot of guys I knowthey wouldn't necessarily
(28:57):
volunteer for that to be amission.
I enjoy that mission, but Istill look at it as a mission
and not I'm not really lookingto appreciate the journey of
going shopping in the way thatwomen do.
Dan (29:08):
But just knowing what you're in for before you go on
that shopping trip, whether it'sgoing to be enjoying the
journey or whether it's going tobe mission focused just knowing
that in my own mind sets myexpectations properly and allows
me to really enjoy it a lotmore than I would have had.
Charles (29:27):
I not known that.
Yeah, we'll talk.
We'll go over that chapter in acouple of two episodes from now
, and what I find is helpfulwhen it comes to shopping with a
woman is if you can break upthe mission into a lot of little
missions, it will be easier foryou to look like you're
enjoying the journey and tolegitimately enjoy the journey.
But you've got to break it upinto lots of little missions
(29:50):
instead of just the.
I thought you said we just hadto go buy one dress, because
that's not something you want tosay.
Yeah, agreed.
So yeah, we'll talk about thata little bit more.
All right, thanks, dan.
We will stop there for todayand I will see you next time.
All right, we'll talk soon.
Okay, that's it for this episodeof Mindfully Masculine.
Thank you so much for stickingwith us.
(30:10):
We, us, we appreciate youtaking the time to invest in
yourself.
If you found this episodevaluable, be sure to check out
more of our content over atmindfullymasculinecom.
We post audio and videoepisodes there, along with
anything else that we find worthsharing to help you keep
growing, connecting and showingup as your best self.
If something in today'sconversation really resonated
with you, share it with a friend, leave us a review or drop us a
(30:32):
message.
We'd love to hear from you.
Until next time, stay mindful,stay curious.
Welcome back to the Mindfully Masculine podcast,
where we explore theintersection of personal growth,
relationships and becoming thebest version of yourself, inside
and out.
I'm Charles, and today we'rediving into a topic that can
transform the way you show upfor your partner, both
emotionally and physically.
This episode is titled Be HerBest and, as you might guess,
(00:20):
we're talking about intimacy,connection and how to bridge the
gap between what we think weknow and what really matters to
the women in our lives.
We'll break down the lessonsfrom Chapter 9 of the Man's
Guide to Women getting realabout the myths that shape our
expectations, the dynamics thatdrive intimacy and how small
shifts can lead to deeper, morefulfilling experiences.
(00:43):
This isn't about complicatedtechniques or unrealistic ideals
.
It's about understanding thefundamentals of connection and
making sure you're showing up ina way that makes her feel seen,
desired and appreciated.
We'll also get into themisconceptions around
pornography, how it can skew ourunderstanding of intimacy and
why learning to communicate bothin and out of the bedroom is
(01:04):
one of the most valuable skillsyou can develop as a partner.
So if you're ready to level upyour relationship, stick around,
let's dive in.
Good morning Charles.
How are you?
Good morning, dan.
I'm doing okay.
It's been a busy couple of days, but here we are.
You had your makeup birthdayparty, right?
Dan (01:23):
I had my makeup 50th birthday party.
Yeah, so one of my buddies thatI went to kindergarten with and
high school with Mike.
He came, flew out fromCalifornia.
It was great to be able to hangout with him a little bit.
It was a combined party with mygirlfriend's daughter and so
there was a lot of people there.
There was a lot of food there,a lot of interesting decor
making fun of me there.
(01:44):
That was interesting.
Yeah, I'll have to share thatwith you offline.
Here I'll show you some of thedecor.
It was a great surprise.
Even though I was there helpingout a little bit, there was
still a lot of the decorationsand a lot of things that my
girlfriend and her friends didand helped out with and it made
it amazing.
The food was so good.
Everybody asked if it wascatered and my girlfriend had
(02:05):
cooked it all and had likeprofessional shaving dishes and
everything out.
I was just really I was honoredand impressed at like how much
I cheated and how much thepeople who came did for me and
everybody had a really good timeand, yeah, I was really
flattered and it was greatbecause I got to extend my
birthday again.
So I had an amazing cruise backin October, an amazing
(02:28):
hurricane.
That let me extend my cruise bya day.
That was amazing.
It was amazing.
There's no damage here from thehurricane.
Charles (02:35):
I'm going to label that hurricane as not so amazing.
Dan (02:38):
Yeah, it turned out amazing for me because I was able to
sell my RV Congratulations Atthe same point and I was looking
to do that as well.
So that worked out.
So it was.
It's been good so far so knockon wood that keeps up.
Charles (02:51):
Let's get into the into chapter nine.
Chapter nine is called.
I believe it's be her best,let's see.
I'm working my way back to thebeginning of the chapter here,
paging through on my.
It's a long chapter.
It took me 40 something minutesto listen to it this morning,
becoming her best ever, a primeron passionate sex.
And we will not be goingthrough all of the how-to's in
(03:14):
this chapter.
I do recommend that others docheck that out.
But you and I are going to boilthis down to the principles to
keep in mind more than the touch, this way type of uh,
play-by-play, because, like Isaid, it is a long chapter.
Here are the principles to keepin mind more than the touch,
this way type of play-by-play,because, like I said, it is a
long chapter.
Here are the principles that wesee at the end of the chapter
in the cheat sheet.
First is forget everythingyou've learned from watching
(03:35):
porn.
And I will say don't forgeteverything you've learned from
watching porn, but don't confusepornographic sex for real sex.
I think that's the thing too.
Don't set, don't have yourexpectations for how things go
and how things feel.
Don't set those based on whatyou've seen in pornography.
(03:57):
There there will be someoverlap in the kind of sex that
you enjoy and that your partnerenjoys with what in pornography.
But don't look for it to matchup even 50 of the time, because
there are going to be listenpeople who sell pornography,
whether that's an independentartist on only fans or a
multinational pornographycompany.
(04:19):
They're both looking to sell aproduct.
They're looking to putsomething out there that the
most people will respond to andbe willing to pay money for, and
so it's not their job to bepublic sexual intellectuals
where their goal is to helppeople set reasonable
expectations or to make peoplesmarter and better at sex.
(04:40):
That's not what they're lookingto make money doing, so don't
expect that's what they're goingto offer you.
Dan (04:46):
Yeah, it's not that different than food products
that are created, right, it'sgoing to be hyper palatable,
hyper sellable.
It's going to be very addictive, if you will.
Same thing with porn stuff.
It's going to be like to theextreme as much as possible that
will elicit sales.
That's really the undertonehere.
It's simply, with food productsand everything else like that,
(05:06):
it's not necessarily the bestway about going about eating,
it's not the best way aboutgoing away, about going for sex,
things like that.
So it's got this filter and areally strong filter of let's
make this sellable and by doingthat, sometimes it's going to be
addictive in some certain ways,right, so they're going to be
(05:29):
trying to do that the whole time.
But it can be difficult todistinguish, I think, between
what real sex should be like inporn, because how many other
examples do we get of real sex?
What that half a semester inhealth class?
Right, they don't really gointo any of that.
Charles (05:45):
They're certainly not showing us videos or anything.
Dan (05:48):
No, so it's like what, where else are you getting this
information from other than,like your buddies or your
girlfriends sitting around atbrunch, or guys at sitting
around a sports bar or in thelocker room?
Like, where else do we get thisinformation from?
I can see why it's such anissue with so many people and
how many times we get it wrongand a lot of times why it takes
(06:11):
so many years to figure out howto do it in a different way, how
to do things in a way where itactually it still feels good and
you feel connected and you'renot.
You know two extremes, andthat's the thing too is they
also say in this book too is yes, sometimes that's okay, but not
right away, and so it's.
It can be really confusingunless you're intentionally
going out and reading books likethis and seeking that
(06:33):
information out in terms of bestpractices.
Right.
Charles (06:36):
Yeah, it's, you're absolutely right.
It's hard to get people excitedto buy things that are not
super stimulating, and thatapplies to cars and pornography
and flat screen TVs, all thosethings.
So, yeah, just keep in mindthat you are a customer, you're
not a student, and that's howyou're being viewed by these
folks that put out this materialA hundred percent.
(06:57):
I will get into a little bitabout the porn addiction that
they mentioned in this chapter.
I will go through the list offive things that Gottman
mentions as okay.
Here are some indications thatyou might have a problem that
you want to look at solving.
But if you go down this listand you don't have these
problems, then hey, more powerto you.
Enjoy whatever.
Whatever works for you, keepdoing what works and when it
(07:18):
doesn't work, stop doing it.
That's going to be my attitudewith anything as far as drugs,
porn, alcohol, whatever vicesare out there.
Look, if you figure out a waythat you can use these and
you're not having negativeoutcomes and everything's great
and you find your life is better, then, god bless, keep doing it
.
If it's getting to the pointwhere you're seeing consequences
(07:38):
in other areas of your lifethat you care about, then you
should probably discontinuethese things, and that's going
to be my attitude.
I'm a moderate guy politically,and I'm also a moderate guy
when it comes to telling otherpeople what they should or
shouldn't be doing.
Dan (07:51):
My approach has been taking a break from things like
alcohol, masturbating, porn,things like that for a certain
period of time a week or two,whatever.
That is monitoring how thingsgo for me.
I'm just trying to remember,hey, I'm in the middle of not
doing X or whatever that is, andjust seeing hey, do I have a
little bit more energy?
Am I a little bit more focused?
(08:11):
Am I performing better in onearea or another?
How is this affecting me?
And then it helps me gauge whatit actually is doing when I am
regularly drinking or regularlymasturbating whatever that is
because a lot of times I thinkwe can fall into this is just
how I feel and not realize thebenefits that we can get from
(08:36):
taking a break or not doing itat all.
I'm staining the word I waslooking for, yeah, so I like to,
and I'll do it with caffeine aswell, and I'll just go like a
week or two and just see, hey,how are things going, and that
just gives me a little bit of ataste of is this something I
want to keep in my life?
And or maybe it's something Iwant to keep, but maybe scale
back a little bit, maybe not doquite as much as I was doing
before, because I'm feeling soamazing, or I'm feeling I had
(08:59):
all these great outcomes becauseI took this while I was not
doing these things.
Yeah, could be a little placeboeffect possibly a little bit,
but who cares.
Charles (09:08):
Yeah, yeah, no, I look, almost three years ago you and
I did a dry January to see whatwhat would be like.
And I haven't had alcohol since.
And I think one of the waysthat is one of the reasons
that's working for me is becausewhen we went into it initially
we just were doing it as anexperiment.
Not, there was nothing.
Neither of us had the attitudeof alcohol bad me need to stop
(09:30):
alcohol.
It was just like, hey, this issomething people do.
They give up drinking forJanuary, let's do it too and see
what it's like.
And we went on February 1st, Ithink you and I went out
February 1st or close toFebruary 1st and we were going
to have a drink to celebrate dryJanuary being over and you were
like, yeah, I'll take a drink.
And you had it.
And I was like, on secondthought, I don't think I want to
(09:50):
and I feel like, whether it'sporn, masturbation, weed alcohol
, whatever it is, if you can gointo it with a mindset of I'm
going to try this experiment andsee what it's like, to give it
up for a little bit and then youdon't tie any kind of morality
to it, I'll be a better personif I don't do this, and I'll be
(10:14):
a bad person if I do.
If you can just completelyeliminate it, it makes it so
much easier to just do it andtry and observe yourself than if
you tie a bunch of moral valueto this activity.
And so that's where I try tosay look, if you've got concerns
about your pornographyconsumption and here are the
concerns that he mentions One,you're becoming antisocial.
(10:34):
Two, you're keeping your pornwatching secret.
I think that really mostlyapplies to if you've got a
partner.
You shouldn't be telling thepeople you work with about your
porn watching.
But if you've got a partner andyou're keeping it a secret from
them, then that might be aproblem.
If you lose track of time whilewatching porn, like, oh my gosh,
five hours just flew by, yeah,that might be an issue.
Porn is interfering with yoursex life.
(10:56):
Or you start thinking sexshould be like porn and sex
that's not like porn.
There's something wrong with it.
If you've got those five thingsbouncing around your head, then
it may be high to say okay, Ishould probably.
I should at least see if I'mable to take a break from this.
And if you find I can't take abreak from this, then that's
another indicator that you mighthave a an issue that you need
(11:18):
to deal with yeah, no, those aregood things to look at for sure
all right.
So then he goes into a littlebit more detail on how porn sex
is different from quote unquotereal sex, and I think that's
valuable to get into.
The one thing that I reallylike about this chapter is he
does take on the myth that menlike sex more than women and
(11:43):
behave differently when it comesto sex than women do.
And again, we're talking aboutaverages.
You can't say anything isalways true or always false,
black and white style.
But I like the way that hebasically says men have fewer
prerequisites to sex than womendo, and I think that's a great
way to put it.
Where there's less that has tofall into place for a man to be
(12:06):
ready and willing to have sexthan for a woman, and that could
be with partner selection, thatcould be with how the day or
the week has been going for youin other areas.
With men it's yeah, I could behaving a pretty rough day, I
could be having some personal orprofessional turmoil, but in
(12:27):
many cases that won't get in theway of me wanting to have sex.
Where, with women, some ofthose things could have a bigger
impact and if thoseprerequisites are not being met
for them the things that theyrequire, then it's going to be
difficult for them to get into astate of desire where they want
to have sex.
But I would say that thatdoesn't mean that when we
(12:48):
actually do have, when we as menand women do have sex, that
they enjoy it any less or itfeels less good to them.
Dan (12:53):
What helped me cut through a lot of the fluff was when he
had said men and women both needemotional connection, but they
get it in different times.
So in order for a woman to havesex, they need to feel
emotionally connected first.
And a man feels emotionallyconnected after he has sex with
a woman and by and largeobviously there's exceptions,
(13:14):
but that's typically the way itworks and that shows that
there's a lot less that needs tocome before the man.
No pun intended there forprerequisite for sex versus a
woman, so that emotionalconnection.
That doesn't happen in aninstant, so it's not like a
light switch, so that has to bethere, which is what he's
alluding to with thisprerequisite having to be there
(13:36):
before sex.
Charles (13:38):
Yeah, and we've talked about that dynamic before of the
average woman needing emotionalconnection come before sex and
men needing the sex to comebefore the emotional connection.
That dynamic could definitelylead to some frustrating
outcomes when it comes to thingslike the dead bedroom situation
, where it's okay the guy is notgetting the sex, so he doesn't
(14:01):
feel emotionally connected.
The woman's not getting theemotional connection, so she
doesn't feel like the sex.
And so, as a result, you getinto these negative feedback
loops where your relationshipjust keeps getting worse and
worse because nobody is willingto say, okay, I'm going to meet
my partner's needs, even thoughI feel like my needs aren't
going to, my needs aren't beingmet.
And no, it's like a game ofsexual chicken where nobody
(14:23):
wants to be the first one toinvest in the relationship,
feeling like they're not goingto get anything in return.
And so if both people are, youknow, too preoccupied with
protecting themselves, thenthings just aren't going to
change and that pattern is notgoing to be broken sex from
(14:43):
masturbating and the orgasm youhave for masturbating.
Dan (14:46):
When he was talking about how it takes men and women both
the same amount of time about 10minutes to come from
masturbating and that'sdifferent.
That's more of a physiologicaltype of release in both cases.
So it's not that a womandoesn't need to feel necessarily
connected to somebody in orderto masturbate in the same thing
obviously with a guy.
(15:06):
I think he was using that inthe context of don't, as a man,
don't think you need to spendhours and hours with foreplay in
order for a woman to enjoy sexwith you.
It she can enjoy it.
If you are doing things theright way, you're feeling more
connected.
If you're looking at a purephysical, biological point of
(15:28):
view, it takes both men womenthe same amount of time to to
come from sex, so to come frommasturbating.
So it really is.
It's not like theyphysiologically need this
emotional connection in order tocome.
That that connection, that thatworld, that safety, that all
needs to be there beforehand.
Obviously, and knowing that Ifeel like you can be a little
(15:48):
bit as a guy, you can be alittle bit more patient and a
little bit more open toinvesting in foreplay, which
literally can start earlier inthe day.
It doesn't close on.
Charles (16:00):
It's the little flirty comments you can make, that how
you appreciate her andcommunicating that with her, and
that all starts to build buildup that, those good feelings,
that connection yes, I agreewith all that and thinking about
it as an all day or even an allrelationship process, not just
(16:21):
a talks about how, you know, mencan get into this routine of
kiss the lips, touch the breastright, maybe make an attempt at
finding the clitoris andtouching it and then inserting
the penis and that's just justthe script.
And you got to be ready tobreak that script sometimes and
mix things up and do theunexpected so that you can keep
(16:44):
things exciting.
Because one of the things wetalk about on this podcast all
the time with relationships isit is the man's job, at least
the way we see it, to find abalance between security, safety
and excitement.
And spontaneity in the bedroomis going to be part of that
excitement of not just turningit into a routine where she can
set her watch by how long you'regoing to spend doing this thing
(17:06):
before you start doing thisother thing.
He does say and this is whereI've got some disagreement with
Dr Gottman in the way that he'schosen to express this Oral sex
is a must for pleasing andsatisfying a woman.
We'll start there.
I've been with women who werenot all that into oral sex.
Now, was that because I'mterrible at it.
(17:27):
Possibly, but I don't think so.
They've stated to me both inour relationship and in previous
relationships, like no, I'mjust more into some other things
than I am into that, and Ienjoy some other things more
than I enjoy oral sex.
So, first, he says oral sex is amust for pleasing and
satisfying a woman, and Idisagree because I've been with
partners who weren't all thatinto it.
(17:47):
And then, second, he says ifyou don't like it, get over it.
And this is where you and Italked about this last week
before we recorded our lastpodcast.
If you don't like something,get over.
It is not the advice we give toanybody who's looking to
improve their life or get betterat some skill that they find is
important.
If you don't like this thing, Idon't see dr gottman or his
(18:10):
wife julie giving that kind ofadvice to women when it comes to
oral sex.
If you don't like having apenis in your mouth, just get
over it.
If somebody said that to awoman, or if a partner of mine
or a friend, a platonicgirlfriend of mine, said hey,
I'm reading this new book aboutsex and I'm not really into
giving oral sex, but this doctorsaid if you don't like a penis
(18:32):
in your mouth, just get over it.
Dan (18:38):
I would say it's time to put that book down and stop
going to them for advice.
Yeah, I'm really surprised,considering how thoughtful all
the rest of this book is, forthem to just take that shortcut
and not offer.
Okay, make the joke, but then Ithink the appropriate thing
would be to talk somebody howthey could ease into it, into
feeling a little bit morecomfortable doing those types of
things.
Charles (18:58):
They did not do that no , they certainly did not do that
.
And furthermore, to make iteven worse, in in the actual
part of the I'm looking to getinto the text of this chapter,
they actually use the if for anyreason, you do not like oral
sex, we say get over it, man, upman.
The idea that if someone has asexual preference to not do a
(19:21):
certain act, attacking theirmasculinity over it, saying
you're not enough of a manbecause you don't like this,
it's look, I, if I had a friend,if you came to me, or somebody
came to me and said, hey, mygirlfriend wants me to give her
oral sex and I'm not into it, myapproach would be like okay,
why are you not into it?
What are some things you mightbe willing to try that might
lead you to getting into it?
(19:42):
But the idea of then, sorry,dan, you're just no kind of real
man If you don't like doingthis, I would never try to
encourage my friends or somebodyI care about by attacking their
masculinity.
And okay, look, maybe I'm beinga little prickly about this or a
little sensitive, but look, Ithink in generally, in general,
saying things like man up tosomebody in the realm of self
(20:05):
improvement does no good inalmost all harm.
Yeah, I'm disappointed thatthat John or Julie or one of
their coauthors decided thatwould be four of them.
That have somebody when theybragged about how many years of
experience.
Disappointed that that john orjulie or one of their co-authors
decided that would.
Dan (20:15):
There's four of them that have somebody.
They bragged about how manyyears of experience they have
between the four of them and itwas like over a hundred or
something in this area.
Yeah, somebody should havethrown a judge.
They should have thrown a flaglike that yeah, a little sloppy,
yeah, I agree.
Charles (20:30):
So, look, if that's something you're not into, I
would encourage you to startthinking about why am I not into
this?
What could I do to be into it?
What are the potential reasonsthat I don't find this appealing
?
And look, if it's becauseyou've heard stories about that
act not being manly or not beingsomething, and I think maybe
that's what they had in mindwhen they decided to voice it
(20:51):
that way, I remember watchingthe Sopranos.
Junior Soprano had a problemwith performing oral sex on
women and the idea that if itgot out, that would lower his
status as a mobster or Italianman or something.
Dan (21:03):
Wow, I didn't know that.
That's interesting.
Maybe that was something in theculture years ago.
I wasn't aware of that.
Maybe that's what that is.
Charles (21:14):
Yeah, he's an older guy , so maybe that's where it comes
from and maybe he's trying towork against the you're not a
real man if you do this.
So no, that's what it soundslike to me.
That's the direction say you'renot a real man if you don't do
this.
It's like neither of those areeffective ways to to teach
people things or persuade themto try new things interesting.
Dan (21:31):
I didn't realize that was part of the culture back then.
I saw the Sopranos with Spencea long ago.
I basically forgot it all.
Charles (21:36):
I didn't realize.
Again, maybe there's guyswalking around with that mindset
of oh, if you're a real man,you don't do this.
And to that I say the argumentof you're not a real man if you
do this or you're not a real manif you don't do this are both
stupid and wasted wasted yourtime and it's ridiculous.
So yeah, that's where I've gotan issue with what he said.
Most women need clitoralstimulation to have an orgasm.
(21:57):
Get real good at finding it andtouching it in a way that she
finds to be pleasurable, anddon't be afraid to ask for
directions.
And you can do that either inthe moment or you can do that
after in a non-sexual thing.
It's, I think we said in thelast chapter don't stop sex to
interrogate your partner.
It's, I think we said in thelast chapter don't stop sex to
interrogate your partner.
You can certainly learn to seenonverbal communication when it
(22:19):
comes to that, but you can alsohave some conversations about it
too, to say, hey, did you likethat?
Did you not like that?
Was I in the right place?
Was I in the wrong place?
There's no problem with havingthose conversations because
ultimately it's going to makeyou better at what you're trying
to be good at.
Dan (22:33):
Yeah, slow down, listen for cues right, pay attention, feel
, listen to the noises thatshe's making, how her body's
moving.
But that will clue you inwithout having to ask those
questions when you are in themoment.
So really just try to heightenyour senses, get those spidey
senses going and figure outwhat's happening, how she's
reacting to the different placesthat you're at.
(22:54):
Take your time and just give ita little bit of time and she
might actually start to move youin the right positions and
things without even having theconversation.
So I think, yeah, I think she'sgoing to appreciate the effort
that's being made and will helpyou do what you want to do.
Yeah.
Charles (23:11):
Yeah, and another thing I'll offer is if you do have a
partner who's willing to say inthe moment, don't stop doing
that or keep doing that, thenfollow her instructions because
she, if possible until she tellsyou that, okay, you can do
(23:40):
something else now.
Dan (23:41):
Don't attempt the Seinfeld swirl at that point.
Charles (23:44):
No, don't attempt anything at that point except to
maintain the rhythm, the speed,the pressure.
Whatever you're doing, don'tchange it until you see, either
verbal or nonverbal cues, thatokay, you got the job done.
A hero.
And again, at the end of thesechapters, he's got this hero
versus zero thing.
The hero also makes love to awoman by holding her after the
(24:04):
sex is over.
This is a great source ofpleasure for women.
Yes, cuddling after sex I enjoyit too.
I don't know who these guys arethat, as soon as they're
exhausted from the pleasure oftheir own orgasm and their
partners, the first thing theywant to do is throw some pants
on and walk out the door.
I've never really understoodhow that's a thing.
It's no, I want to cuddle, thenI want to go to sleep, in that
(24:26):
order.
So that's probably what shewants to do as well.
Be prepared for that,understanding that, the cuddling
, the conversation after sex isa big deal to women and with
some training you can make it abig deal to you too, and you can
get a lot out of it as well.
All right, you ready for thelist of stuff not to do?
Dan, I am Don't believe thatsex is all about getting up,
getting in and getting off.
(24:48):
Okay, what a clever little rhymethat is.
So you might be a zero if youdon't explore her body and read
her signs and signals.
Don't think sex should be likeporn, or especially sex should
be just like porn.
Again, there are going to besimilarities because putting
hard things in tight places,just like the lady on TV or the
guy on TV but there are going tobe a lot of big differences as
(25:10):
well, and you should read thischapter to get a better feel for
all the different ways thatpornography and sex are not the
same.
Don't ignore the clitoris.
Don't fail to take time to makelove to her body and help her
get aroused.
Oh, that's one thing.
He talked about, this concept ofdiscordance, which I learned a
lot about from the book Come asyou Are by Emily Nagowski, and
some of these numbers werepretty surprising.
(25:32):
Only about 10% of the time thata woman has a physiological
response to sex is she actuallygoing to desire having sex, and
only about half the time that aman gets an erection is it
actually about him wanting tohave sex with someone.
Okay, blood flows to privateparts for lots of different
(25:53):
reasons.
Okay, blood flows to privateparts for lots of different
reasons.
It just be so unsexual Correct.
It's usually not sexual.
It's a coin flip for men andit's a one out of ten for women.
Just because that reaction ishappening physiologically does
not mean somebody wants to havesex or is ready to have sex.
Dan (26:10):
Okay.
Charles (26:11):
So don't think that every woman is the same and
follow the same sexual routinewith all women.
Do show affection outside ofthe bedroom.
Don't hold on to a belief thatoral sex is not something that
you could do or should do.
Just be open to exploring thatand, if it's not something that
(26:32):
you're currently into, bewilling to dig a little deeper
to figure out why that is.
If the reason you're not intooral sex is because you had one
experience years and years agowhere there was a smell or a
taste you didn't like, that'snot enough reason to write it
off for the rest of your life.
Dan (26:43):
And things can be done, even if there's currently that
issue.
Correct Her partner.
Charles (26:47):
there are things that can be done for that, yes,
conversations can be had andinterventions can be done to
make that not a problem.
And again, you might be a zeroif you try to run out the door
after sex or certainly, if youtry to kick her out the door
after sex, assuming you don'tlive together.
Sage advice if you do livetogether and you try to make her
leave after sex, that's evenworse.
All right.
(27:08):
Anything else from this chapterthat we didn't cover that you
think that needs to be?
I, I get this is a long chapter.
I I encourage you to buy thebook, read the book, listen to
the audio book and hear all thedetails that we're not getting
into, because they are important.
But it's also important for meto not have a podcast where I'm
going through in super detailedfashion of all the things you
(27:30):
should be doing to be better atsex.
That's not what I'm looking todo.
I'm looking to give you forthat.
Yes, I'm giving you the highpoints and I'm saying you should
visit this book if you want toget better at sex.
Dan (27:40):
Yeah, it's a good recommendation.
Charles (27:41):
I think there's a lot of valid information in here,
and the next part of this bookthat we're going to start is
called Living With A Woman, andwe're going to get into topics
that make it easier to live withanother person, especially a
romantic partner who happens tobe a woman.
We're going to cover a chaptercalled learn to fight like a
(28:01):
girl.
Why does it take so long to buya pair of shoes and best
friends forever?
So that'll get into some of thesources of both joy and
conflict that come when you havea woman as a central part of
your life.
Dan (28:15):
Yeah, I really learned a lot from the shopping
information.
That was always a source offrustration for me, but once I
heard this and I read this inthe chapter, I was like, okay,
this is that's.
It makes total sense after youhear the way they explain it,
and it just ended a lot offrustration in my mind when it
came to shopping with women.
Charles (28:35):
Yeah, I think I am better at shopping than a lot of
guys, but it is still.
It's still a mission orientedactivity for me.
Even I'm willing to take on themission of let's buy you a
fancy dress for an upcomingdinner that we're going to, but
I still, in a lot of ways, lookat it as the mission where a lot
of guys, a lot of guys I knowthey wouldn't necessarily
(28:57):
volunteer for that to be amission.
I enjoy that mission, but Istill look at it as a mission
and not I'm not really lookingto appreciate the journey of
going shopping in the way thatwomen do.
Dan (29:08):
But just knowing what you're in for before you go on
that shopping trip, whether it'sgoing to be enjoying the
journey or whether it's going tobe mission focused just knowing
that in my own mind sets myexpectations properly and allows
me to really enjoy it a lotmore than I would have had.
Charles (29:27):
I not known that.
Yeah, we'll talk.
We'll go over that chapter in acouple of two episodes from now
, and what I find is helpfulwhen it comes to shopping with a
woman is if you can break upthe mission into a lot of little
missions, it will be easier foryou to look like you're
enjoying the journey and tolegitimately enjoy the journey.
But you've got to break it upinto lots of little missions
(29:50):
instead of just the.
I thought you said we just hadto go buy one dress, because
that's not something you want tosay.
Yeah, agreed.
So yeah, we'll talk about thata little bit more.
All right, thanks, dan.
We will stop there for todayand I will see you next time.
All right, we'll talk soon.
Okay, that's it for this episodeof Mindfully Masculine.
Thank you so much for stickingwith us.
(30:10):
We, us, we appreciate youtaking the time to invest in
yourself.
If you found this episodevaluable, be sure to check out
more of our content over atmindfullymasculinecom.
We post audio and videoepisodes there, along with
anything else that we find worthsharing to help you keep
growing, connecting and showingup as your best self.
If something in today'sconversation really resonated
with you, share it with a friend, leave us a review or drop us a
(30:32):
message.
We'd love to hear from you.
Until next time, stay mindful,stay curious.
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