April 21, 2025 • 29 mins
In this episode of Mindfully Masculine, Charles and Dan break down Dr. Robert Glover’s six essentials for creating a life that naturally attracts women—without chasing or people-pleasing. Drawing from Dating Essentials for Men, they reflect on how men can lead more purposeful, fulfilling lives by focusing on passion, friendship, challenge, and service.
Whether you're single, dating, or in a long-term relationship, this conversation will help you cultivate habits and practices that boost confidence, deepen connection, and strengthen your sense of masculine purpose.
What You’ll Learn:
- Why “happy wife, happy life” is a trap—and what to focus on instead
- How to prioritize your passion without guilt or resentment
- The often-overlooked importance of strong male friendships
- How daily challenges and physical exertion sharpen your mindset
- Easy ways to develop a meaningful spiritual or mindfulness practice
- What it really means to “give your gift to the world”—and how to start
Key Topics Covered:
- Life passion as your driving force
- Maintaining close friendships with other men
- Incorporating daily strenuous physical activity
- Leaning into discomfort and overcoming resistance
- Building a consistent spiritual or reflective practice
- Creating value for others through contribution and service
Mentioned in this Episode:
- Dating Essentials for Men by Dr. Robert Glover
- The War of Art by Steven Pressfield
- Andrew Huberman on movement, vision, and creativity
Quotable Moments:
“Build a life that you enjoy during the downtime as well as the uptime—and the alone time as well as the partner time.”
—Charles
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Charles (00:00):
You have to make your life passion your number one
priority, and that life passionthat is your number one priority
cannot and should not be makingyour girlfriend or your wife
happy with you, because I meanyour girlfriend, your wife,
should be happy and she shouldbe happy with you, with you.
(00:28):
But if, if you make the thingthat you put your time, effort
and the thing that drives you toget up every morning, making
her happy with you, that is justnot a recipe for success.
It's not going to, you're notgoing to be happy and she's not
going to be happy either.
Welcome back to the MindfullyMasculine Podcast.
This is Charles All right.
In this week's episode, dan andI will continue discussing
dating essentials for men by DrRobert Glover, part one.
(00:49):
We're on chapter nine this weekand we're going to discuss the
six pillars of a exciting,meaningful life that you'll
enjoy and people will beattracted to, and those are a
life anchored in passion, malefriendship and social health,
(01:10):
physical health and dailydiscipline, embracing challenge
and overcoming resistance,spiritual and reflective
practices and contribution andservice to the world.
Please check out our website,mindfullymasculinecom, where
you'll find our audio episodes,our video episodes and anything
else we find worth sharing.
Thanks and enjoy.
Dan (01:32):
Hey, Charles, good morning.
Charles (01:37):
Hello again, dan.
How are you doing?
I am doing well, okay, great.
All right, we are going to diveright in.
This will probably be a shortepisode, unless we go off on
some jags and get caught upranting on one of these points.
But in the middle of chapternine, titled create a lifestyle
that attracts women, naturally,in dating essentials for men,
(01:59):
there is a list of six thingsthat you have to have for the
great cake of a life, as hecalls it, that will attract
other people to want to beinvolved in what you got going
on, and so I'm just going to godown the list of what these six
things are, and then we can eachtalk about how we have tried or
(02:24):
failed, tried and thensucceeded or failed in having
these components in our ownlives.
The first one is you have tomake your life passion your
number one priority.
Two, you have to develop andmaintain good guy friends.
Three, you have to engage instrenuous exercise on a daily
basis.
Four, you have to lean intochallenge on a daily basis.
(02:46):
Five, you have to develop andmaintain a spiritual practice.
And six, you have to give yourgift to the world.
So we're going to hit each ofthose and talk a little bit
about our own personalexperience and also dive maybe a
little bit more into whatGlover says about each of these.
But the first one is you have tomake your life passion your
(03:06):
number one priority.
And that life passion that isyour number one priority cannot
and should not be making yourgirlfriend or your wife happy
with you, because I mean yourgirlfriend, your wife, should be
happy and she should be happywith you.
But if, if you make the thingthat you put your time, effort
(03:32):
and the thing that drives you toget up every morning making her
happy with you, that is justnot a recipe for success.
It's not going to, you're notgoing to be happy and she's not
going to be happy either.
There has to be something elsein your life that the, that the
pursuit of, is something youfind meaningful and fulfilling,
(03:54):
and that could be your career,that could be your physical
fitness, that could be a hobbythat you put a lot of effort
into.
It could be volunteering.
It could be a hobby that youput a lot of effort into.
It could be volunteering.
It could be some kind ofactivism.
It's got to be something thatreally fires you up and gets you
excited and your pursuit ofthat in a disciplined, effective
(04:20):
way is going to be the thingthat attracts and continues to
attract the woman that is inyour life where, yeah, just just
seeking to please her and makeher happy with you so that she
sticks around.
Dan (04:36):
It can't be that because, yeah, counterintuitively that
that never works and and thereason why it doesn't work is
because then you're basicallyputting all of the onus of your
own happiness on her happiness,meaning, if she's not happy,
right, if your whole focus ismaking her happy, and what that
(04:57):
means then is, if she's nothappy, then you're not happy,
and and you're conveying thatyou don't have an ability to
become happy and and the thekind of person where you can
overflow that, that energy andthat positivity and that
happiness from something elsebesides her.
And so, in an indirect way,you're really kind of saying you
(05:19):
are responsible for myhappiness and and you being
happy is what's making me happy,and that's that's a recipe for
disaster.
Charles (05:28):
Yeah, I think one of the worst things, that one of
the worst ideas that men haveadopted and specifically I
noticed this from conservativeChristian men the adoption of
the phrase happy wife, happylife.
That is that is not the waythat it works.
It's not happy wife, happy life, it's happy life.
Happy wife, happy life.
That is.
That is not the way that itworks.
It's not happy wife, happy life, it's happy life, happy wife.
(05:49):
If you have, if you work onbuilding your own happy life for
yourself, one of the great sideeffects of that will be having
a happy wife.
Dan (06:00):
But it doesn't.
It doesn't mean you don't, youdon't do things that that make
her happy, but, like you said,it's not the reason why you're
on the planet.
Charles (06:11):
Yeah, yeah, where.
If serving your purpose, yourmission, your passion in life,
if that is your purpose, ifthat's, if that's what you wake
up every day to do and you do itin a way that is reaching out
to the future and effective, anddisciplined, then just by
having that kind of a drive inyour life, that will have
(06:34):
positive impact on all of yourrelationships, including the
relationship, your primaryromantic partner in your life.
You're the person that youspend your life with.
If she can watch you pursuing aworthy goal, that will make her
excited to be with you.
Dan (06:48):
And part of the other thing here that I've I've thought
about as you're talking was thata lot of times we're not
necessarily always going to bein sync in terms of our moods,
right, so sometimes we're goingto be a little bit upset.
The other person might be happy, and vice versa, and if your
happiness or your sadness isreally so tied closely to that
(07:11):
other person, then you're kindof missing out on some potential
benefits of being in thatrelationship where that other
person might be able to assistyou and kind of get you out of
that funk a little bit right, orkind of maybe bring you back
down to reality if you're flyinga little too high too long.
So I think that also issomething that you are going to
(07:35):
be losing out on if you arereally making your world
dependent upon the otherperson's happiness.
Charles (07:42):
Yeah, and it is a little counterintuitive where
you think, oh, if I, if I wantto be happy, I'll just keep all
the people around me happy andthen I'll be happy too.
It really it works the oppositeway.
It's like if you focus on notjust what makes you happy,
because happiness can besomewhat fleeting, like you said
you could.
Happiness can be a little bitdependent on what's your current
(08:03):
mood.
But if you're finding meaning,contentment, joy and fulfillment
in the things that you do on adaily, on a daily basis, then
you will naturally surroundyourself with other people that
are doing the same kind of thingand and getting a lot out of
out of their pursuits as well.
So that is is great advice.
As I see it is make.
(08:24):
Make your your passion, yourmission, your purpose, your
number one priority, and andwork to move the ball forward on
that, and your personalrelationships will also benefit
greatly from that.
The second point is you have todevelop and maintain good guy
friends and, what's funny, Inoticed in myself that I focus
(08:47):
on that much more when I'm notin a relationship than when I am
, and I've been dating mygirlfriend now for about nine
months and, yeah, I am spendinga lot less time socializing with
my male friends than I have alot less time socializing with
my male friends than I havebefore her and I got together,
and that is something that I hadbetter get get worked out, and
(09:16):
I plan to take some steps to dothat here in the next couple of
months where I'll I'll be moreavailable to give and receive
good friendship from my, mybuddies, because I've I've not
been doing it great lately.
Dan (09:26):
I'm.
I'm exactly in the same boat.
I know that I I've spent a lotmore time with with guy friends
before I got into a relationship.
Absolutely Same thing and itand it's my pattern, that's.
That's what I've done.
Mine too, yeah, I haven'tcompletely ignored people and so
.
But unfortunately it wasusually the times that I am
(09:47):
getting together with guyfriends it's for big, big
occasions.
Most of the time, once in awhile it's it's what's, it's a
night out here and there, butthat's far less than when I was
single.
Now I don't expect to go backto that same level.
It's just I don't have thatmany hours in the day to be able
to do that.
But I do also feel like I needto take a look at and
(10:09):
reprioritize and, if nothingelse, at least reach out more
often over text or phone orwhatever, and check in with some
of the guy friends I haven'ttalked to in a while.
Charles (10:19):
So at a minimum, even if it's not like a night out or
whatever it is- yeah, I would,uh, I would encourage guys to
think about trying to do onenight a week with their guy
friends, if possible.
Yeah, I mean, if that's good.
If you're already not even ableto pull off one night a week
out with your girlfriend, thenone night a week out with your
(10:41):
guy friends is going to be isgoing to be difficult.
But most of us are able to getone date night a week with our
girlfriend.
We should also get one datenight a week with our guy
friends too, and uh, andmaintain those relationships so
that they'll we'll, they'll feellike we're around when they
need us and we'll feel likethey're around when we need them
.
Because if you, if you, haven'tseen a guy in a year because of
(11:05):
your new girlfriend, and then heeither hits a rough patch or
you hit a rough patch, whetherthat's with your job or your
relationship or whatever, it'sgoing to be a lot harder for
either of you to reach out Ifyou don't have that that normal,
regular, ongoing contact witheach other.
So, yeah, and I'm guilty ofdropping the ball, for sure,
with few people.
Yeah, so yeah, and I'm guiltyof dropping the ball, for sure,
(11:26):
with few people, yeah, as as amI.
So I'm going to, I'm going to,I'm going to work on picking
that up here it's.
It is difficult, though, becausein the pursuit of that passion,
that mission, that purpose,it's, a lot of us have a
full-time job.
Then we've got the thing thatwe work on when we're not at the
full-time and then, in additionto that, we've got to find time
(11:51):
to do the other things on thislist that we're we're covering,
and it's tough, it's tough, itreally is.
It really is to focus on any ofthem.
(12:16):
You have to say no tomaintaining a certain level of
comfort in your life that youwell, that you feel comfortable
with, like I.
You have to say, okay, I've gotto say no to laying in bed
watching my favorite TV show inorder to have a night out with
the guys, focus on doingstrenuous physical activity or
you know, whatever it is.
You've got to say no to thethings that you usually use to
(12:39):
recharge yourself sometimes, andthat's really hard, I mean for
me too.
When you're, when you'restressed, when you're busy, when
you're trying to keep multipleirons in the fire, it's's like
man.
You know just an hour of thatof severance or reacher or
whatever show that you'recurrently into just while you're
laying on your back and it'splaying on your tablet, your
(13:00):
phone, your TV, like man,sometimes nothing feels better
than that.
But that's true in the shortterm.
But in the longterm there'sprobably better ways that you
could be spending your time.
Dan (13:11):
I know for me, I'm guilty of doing those things, but doing
them excessively, like too much, too many episodes of a show
that I've just had Netflixcontinue to to keep showing me
right, instead of calling it offafter an hour of it or 15
minutes over, whatever it is,and that's that's my, that's my
(13:32):
downfall.
There is not being disciplinedenough to say, okay, look, I've
got, I had my, my break, myenjoyment, and now it's time to
do something that I am going toenjoy, but it's just not as an
immediate reward, as sittinghere munching on this popcorn,
watching my my netflix show.
Charles (13:54):
Yeah, yeah, it's tough.
I mean, a lot of the streamingservices have gotten better
about dropping new episodes oncea week, but there's still
occasionally times when a newseason of a show that I'm into
will release you forgot about,or or that you forgot about, and
it's yeah, yeah and all of asudden, the whole season's there
exactly yeah, when squid game,season two, part one, came out,
(14:16):
I I pretty much spent one day,the whole weekend, just watching
that, every episode of thatshow.
Yeah, and it was enjoyable.
But then you look back at theweekend and you're like crap,
it's.
It's eight o'clock on monday.
I'm driving to work.
What did I get done thisweekend?
Well, I watched squid game.
I mean that that's not a greatfeeling.
So the next item in the listyou have to engage in strenuous
(14:40):
exercise on a daily basis, andthat's another one that is very
easy to make a low priority,even though you know you should
be doing it.
But my, my advice to guys iseither travel great distances or
lift heavy things, or, ideally,do both.
So that means walking, running,biking something to to go a
long way.
(15:00):
And or, if you can't do both,pick one, lift, lift heavy
things and put it back down andjust taking on the voluntary
hardship of making those foot orbike trips that you don't need
to make.
You're just doing it to get outthere and put some steps on the
board or put some miles on theboard.
(15:21):
That feels good after you'vedone it, when you're in the
middle of it.
There's things you can do tomake it feel better.
You and I talk about this onthe podcast and our personal
lives tons.
I love just putting on a goodbook or a good podcast and just
walk in for long distances andyou should be doing something
around that every day.
(15:41):
Either walk and lift onalternating days, do it on the
same day, just focus on one orthe other, depending on what
your goals are.
But you gotta, you gotta bedoing something that is
uncomfortable with your body ona daily basis, because it just
makes you into a better man.
Dan (15:58):
Yeah, yeah, and I mean also there's, there's lots of
studies out now that show justthat the changes in your
hormones by the physicalmovement, the physical activity,
it's better all around, notjust for your physical health
but your mental health as well.
So it provides clarity, helpswith creativity and I mean at a
(16:19):
minimum, it just it gets bloodflowing a little bit more
quickly throughout your body andI know I've I've solved
problems and and just not eventhinking about them directly,
like subconscious, come up withsolutions just from going for a
walk and looking at and alsolooking at big open spaces too.
There's there's studies, andthat human talks about that
(16:40):
where the more, more space youhave in your vision, the more it
activates the creative part ofyour brain.
So if you want to be creative,go to big open spaces or sit in
big rooms.
Whereas, if you want to becreative, go to big open spaces
or sit in big rooms.
Whereas if you want to reallyfocus on individual data, like
you're, you're crunching numbersand you'd be very specific with
things, then kind of put theblinders on and kind of close
(17:04):
down your, your peripheralvision so you can really focus.
So it's, it's, it's, it'samazing, all the, the, the
benefits that we have yet toeven realize of just doing
simple things like going for awalk outside.
Charles (17:19):
Yeah, that's a great insight.
And, yeah, I like what AndrewHuberman comes up with.
He doesn't just throw stuff offthe cuff that he thinks might
be a neat idea.
He's got the data to back it up.
When he makes suggestions likethat, Yep, you have to lean into
challenge on a neat idea, he'she's got the data to back it up
when he when he makessuggestions like that, Yep, you
have to lean into challenge on adaily basis.
Yeah, that's that's veryimportant.
I I think we said in the lastcouple episodes that so many of
(17:42):
us it's like the day we leavecollege or the day we leave the
military, it's like we're donedoing new things that we might
fail at, where challengingyourself is about the taking on
the responsibility of hey, I'mgoing to try this thing that I
don't know if I'm going tosucceed at or not, but I'm going
to try it anyway.
And being the person that doesthat on a daily basis not only
(18:04):
builds a much better life foryou, but it attracts people too,
because it it displays yourresilience Like I can try
something that I might fail at,and even if I fail, I'll be okay
and I'll try again.
Dan (18:15):
And it doesn't even have to be something where it's like a
big pass fail.
A book that I was recommendedcalled the war of art from
Steven Pressfield.
He is a big advocate ofovercoming resistance, and so
there's things that our brainswill spin up for us that will
inhibit the things that we wantto do for ourselves.
(18:37):
The other part of our brainwants to be able to continue to
work on that passion project,right, or asking for the extra
shot of espresso that you didn'tget right, going back and ask
you for it.
But there's a little resistancethere, right, and so he kind of
(18:58):
the book is really good aboutframing what resistance is in
terms of our brain.
Just having this, this level ofof of resistance and and, and
really his measure of whetherthe day was a win or a fail was
whether he overcame some sort ofresistance or that day, and I
feel like that's kind of a, aneasier version of what glover is
(19:20):
talking about here, where youknow it's not like a, a win or a
fail, what did you fail at?
It's more like did you overcomethat low level of resistance
that your brain is is normallypushing on you where you would
ordinarily kind of back away andsay, all right, it's not going
to, I'm not going to try, I'mnot going to bother, because I
feel a little bit weird aboutdoing this Right, or I feel like
(19:44):
, ugh, no, and you use it toprocrastinate and doom something
, and it's literally.
You could sit there and he's awriter.
So for him it was overcomingresistance to sit at the
typewriter and create some newinformation.
And what he said was, even ifit was garbage, even if it
wasn't totally polished andready for a print, he would
(20:05):
consider the day was a win if heactually sat at his typewriter
and then wrote out, even if itwas the garbage, the worst thing
ever.
So that's, I've been kind ofexploring that myself and a lot
of times when you do that, you,you you just like, oh wow, this
wasn't nearly as bad as Ithought it was.
And then, inertia takes over andyou end up doing a lot more
(20:25):
than you initially kind ofguaranteed that you would do.
So I'm just going to, I'm goingto work on this project for
five minutes.
I'm going to clean this.
I'm going to clean my officefor five minutes or clean up one
bill off my off the desk here,and then, before you know, it's
just like 10, 15 minutes laterI've gotten a lot more done.
So I, I, I.
That's kind of something thatI've been looking at.
Charles (20:45):
War of Arv and Pressfield has a couple can open
it not to just I'm going to dosomething I'm not sure I can
succeed at, but even just I'mnot going to.
I'm going to do something I'mnot sure I feel like doing.
Dan (21:04):
Exactly Right.
Charles (21:06):
And way summarizing what I'd scrambled about
no-transcript, and you know when, when you live with a partner,
(21:26):
when you live with kids,obviously you're going to have
things that come up where you'relike.
Okay, I, we're talking to Ithink we're both talking about
mainly do things that you don'tknow if you can do or that you
don't know if you feel likedoing for yourself.
That's, that's the kind thatwill help you build up to be
this person with the kind oflife that you, that you can
appreciate and other people willwill be really hyped to be
(21:50):
around.
Yeah, you have to develop andmaintain a spiritual practice.
This is a.
This is a tough one.
The extent of my spiritualpractice these days is generally
mindfulness, meditation, andI'm not even doing that as
reliably and as often as I wishthat I was.
I would like to make that a.
(22:11):
I guess you could put myjournaling in there too.
But yeah, I'm, I'm doing thiswhen I feel like I have the time
and when I feel like I have themotivation is what I'm doing it
, which is no, that that's nosolution.
Dan (22:25):
Yeah, and I'm.
I'm in the same boat.
I've been slacking on mymeditations for a while, but
I've also come to feel like if Ispend just a minute or two and
try to think of something thatI'm grateful for or appreciate,
I feel like that's, that's kindof for me anyway, it feels a
little spiritual.
It's in that.
(22:46):
It's in that realm.
Charles (22:48):
Gratitude practice is definitely spiritual.
You and I talked on a recentepisode about doing it and I've
been really you you've been muchbetter at it than I have last
last week or so that we startedwhere I've, yeah, I've, I've let
my uh, my focus and my justsort of this manic hunt for a
(23:08):
new car really overrideeverything else the last few
days and, yeah, I, I, I didn'tdo a good job of responding to
your, your gratitude yeah, allright, that's all right, no
worries.
Dan (23:19):
And the other thing that has helped me is reframing it in
terms of what, what's made mehappy lately, and sometimes
that's easier for me to then thething of, yeah, think of
something that I appreciate orI'm grateful for.
It's just another way oforienting my brain yeah.
Charles (23:33):
So yeah, we're talking on the secular side.
There's things like meditation,journaling, gratitude practices
and then, obviously, if you'rea religious person, then it's
very easy to go to whoever is incharge of what location you go
to for your, your formalizedworship on a weekly basis and
(23:53):
say, hey, look, I'm, I'm, I'minterested in a in a daily
practice.
What would you recommend?
And I'm sure that person willhave a, a book or a ritual or
something that they canrecommend to you, that they say,
okay, here's, here's whatpeople who want to do things on
a daily basis often find valuein.
So that's, that's pretty easy.
If you're, if you're in a, in amore formalized religious
(24:14):
situation like that, just go tothe people in charge of it and
say, hey, I want a littlesomething to do every day.
What do you recommend?
I guarantee they'll be happyfor your question and they'll
give you some info for it.
(24:42):
He meant by this.
I think what he means is yourgift to the world is sharing
with people your time, youreffort, and I think if you can
tie it into whatever your, yourpassion or your purpose is all
the better.
Right, if you can say, allright, I'm going to pursue
whatever this thing is and I'mgoing to share it with other
people.
That's going to make you feelvery good, and it could be.
I mean, your gift could just betime.
(25:03):
It could be volunteering,taking taking dogs for a walk at
the dog pound or volunteeringyour time in something else.
But you gotta, you gotta builda practice where you're you're
giving something to people withno expectation of of a return,
and if not only does it feelgood, but it's, it's a good way
(25:23):
to make the world a better place, maybe the best way.
Dan (25:26):
Yeah, yep, yeah, I think I agree it's.
It's a lot easier if the thingthat is getting you excited and
that your passion also issomething that you can help
spread and give to the world.
It makes it a very enjoyableprocess and sometimes can
definitely help fuel thatpassion.
(25:47):
Keep it going when you don'tfeel like overcoming that
resistance.
Charles (25:52):
Yeah.
So that's the list.
Again, I'll summarize make yourlife passion your number one
priority.
Develop and maintain good guyfriendships.
Engage in strenuous exercise ona daily basis, lean into
challenge on a daily basis,develop and maintain a spiritual
practice and give your gift tothe world.
And then, a little bit furtherdown, he gives us a nice little
(26:12):
cheat sheet of okay, here aresome very specific actions you
can take that will move youtowards some of these bigger
goals Get organized.
Keep your car and your houseclean.
Pay attention to your personalgrooming.
Create a beautiful space aroundyou, meaning a home or an
office that you enjoy being in.
Learn to dance.
Have regular hobbies.
Meditate.
(26:32):
Do it now, whatever it is, doit now.
Don't don't put it on a list.
Don't procrastinate.
If something comes to yourattention and you can do it
quickly, just do it.
Get out of debt, save moneyevery day, make your bed, do
your dishes, hang up yourclothes, keep your bathroom
picked up.
Limit your television and yourinternet surfing and take some
classes.
So those are some things thatare all the kind of building
(26:54):
blocks into these bigger picturepractices that we we covered in
this list.
Yeah, and I think that was.
Those were the takeaways fromchapter nine, which again was
titled create a lifestyle thatattracts women.
Naturally, and it really.
Again, you don't do it for thepurpose of attracting the women,
(27:15):
you do it for the purpose ofhaving a decent life, because I
mean, even if you, even if youlive with a woman because she's
your girlfriend, your wife,whatever, I guarantee you don't
live with her as often as youlive with yourself.
And so build, build a life thatyou know you can enjoy during
the downtime as well as theuptime, and the alone time as
well as the partnered time, andthis is a way that you can do
(27:37):
that.
All right, anything else tooffer, dan?
Dan (27:41):
None on this one.
Charles (27:42):
All right, told you it was going to be a quick one,
guys.
So there we go.
We will talk with you next timein chapter 10, which is called
Activate Women's BasicBiological Urges.
Let me see how far are we frompart two of this book.
I want to see how many chapterswe've got left in in section
(28:02):
one or part one.
Let's see here.
Yeah, 10 is the last oneactually.
So the part one is titledmastering your mind, where it's
all about understanding and andgetting the things that you need
to understand and get to putyourself in a headspace where
you could be a good partner orcould be a good dater.
And then part two, perfectingyour practice, is actually going
(28:24):
out there and taking actionthat will bring the kind of
women into your life that you'relooking for.
So, yeah, chapter 10 will beour last one for part one.
Then you and I are going totake a break and talk about
doing a different book, and thenwe'll come back and do part two
at some point in the future.
So one one episode left to go.
Thanks, dan, I appreciate it.
We'll talk to you soon.
Dan (28:45):
All right.
Charles (28:45):
Bye-bye, bye.
Thank you so much for listeningto the entire episode, dan, and
I certainly appreciate it.
No-transcript.
You have to make your life passion your number one
priority, and that life passionthat is your number one priority
cannot and should not be makingyour girlfriend or your wife
happy with you, because I meanyour girlfriend, your wife,
should be happy and she shouldbe happy with you, with you.
(00:28):
But if, if you make the thingthat you put your time, effort
and the thing that drives you toget up every morning, making
her happy with you, that is justnot a recipe for success.
It's not going to, you're notgoing to be happy and she's not
going to be happy either.
Welcome back to the MindfullyMasculine Podcast.
This is Charles All right.
In this week's episode, dan andI will continue discussing
dating essentials for men by DrRobert Glover, part one.
(00:49):
We're on chapter nine this weekand we're going to discuss the
six pillars of a exciting,meaningful life that you'll
enjoy and people will beattracted to, and those are a
life anchored in passion, malefriendship and social health,
(01:10):
physical health and dailydiscipline, embracing challenge
and overcoming resistance,spiritual and reflective
practices and contribution andservice to the world.
Please check out our website,mindfullymasculinecom, where
you'll find our audio episodes,our video episodes and anything
else we find worth sharing.
Thanks and enjoy.
Dan (01:32):
Hey, Charles, good morning.
Charles (01:37):
Hello again, dan.
How are you doing?
I am doing well, okay, great.
All right, we are going to diveright in.
This will probably be a shortepisode, unless we go off on
some jags and get caught upranting on one of these points.
But in the middle of chapternine, titled create a lifestyle
that attracts women, naturally,in dating essentials for men,
(01:59):
there is a list of six thingsthat you have to have for the
great cake of a life, as hecalls it, that will attract
other people to want to beinvolved in what you got going
on, and so I'm just going to godown the list of what these six
things are, and then we can eachtalk about how we have tried or
(02:24):
failed, tried and thensucceeded or failed in having
these components in our ownlives.
The first one is you have tomake your life passion your
number one priority.
Two, you have to develop andmaintain good guy friends.
Three, you have to engage instrenuous exercise on a daily
basis.
Four, you have to lean intochallenge on a daily basis.
(02:46):
Five, you have to develop andmaintain a spiritual practice.
And six, you have to give yourgift to the world.
So we're going to hit each ofthose and talk a little bit
about our own personalexperience and also dive maybe a
little bit more into whatGlover says about each of these.
But the first one is you have tomake your life passion your
(03:06):
number one priority.
And that life passion that isyour number one priority cannot
and should not be making yourgirlfriend or your wife happy
with you, because I mean yourgirlfriend, your wife, should be
happy and she should be happywith you.
But if, if you make the thingthat you put your time, effort
(03:32):
and the thing that drives you toget up every morning making her
happy with you, that is justnot a recipe for success.
It's not going to, you're notgoing to be happy and she's not
going to be happy either.
There has to be something elsein your life that the, that the
pursuit of, is something youfind meaningful and fulfilling,
(03:54):
and that could be your career,that could be your physical
fitness, that could be a hobbythat you put a lot of effort
into.
It could be volunteering.
It could be a hobby that youput a lot of effort into.
It could be volunteering.
It could be some kind ofactivism.
It's got to be something thatreally fires you up and gets you
excited and your pursuit ofthat in a disciplined, effective
(04:20):
way is going to be the thingthat attracts and continues to
attract the woman that is inyour life where, yeah, just just
seeking to please her and makeher happy with you so that she
sticks around.
Dan (04:36):
It can't be that because, yeah, counterintuitively that
that never works and and thereason why it doesn't work is
because then you're basicallyputting all of the onus of your
own happiness on her happiness,meaning, if she's not happy,
right, if your whole focus ismaking her happy, and what that
(04:57):
means then is, if she's nothappy, then you're not happy,
and and you're conveying thatyou don't have an ability to
become happy and and the thekind of person where you can
overflow that, that energy andthat positivity and that
happiness from something elsebesides her.
And so, in an indirect way,you're really kind of saying you
(05:19):
are responsible for myhappiness and and you being
happy is what's making me happy,and that's that's a recipe for
disaster.
Charles (05:28):
Yeah, I think one of the worst things, that one of
the worst ideas that men haveadopted and specifically I
noticed this from conservativeChristian men the adoption of
the phrase happy wife, happylife.
That is that is not the waythat it works.
It's not happy wife, happy life, it's happy life.
Happy wife, happy life.
That is.
That is not the way that itworks.
It's not happy wife, happy life, it's happy life, happy wife.
(05:49):
If you have, if you work onbuilding your own happy life for
yourself, one of the great sideeffects of that will be having
a happy wife.
Dan (06:00):
But it doesn't.
It doesn't mean you don't, youdon't do things that that make
her happy, but, like you said,it's not the reason why you're
on the planet.
Charles (06:11):
Yeah, yeah, where.
If serving your purpose, yourmission, your passion in life,
if that is your purpose, ifthat's, if that's what you wake
up every day to do and you do itin a way that is reaching out
to the future and effective, anddisciplined, then just by
having that kind of a drive inyour life, that will have
(06:34):
positive impact on all of yourrelationships, including the
relationship, your primaryromantic partner in your life.
You're the person that youspend your life with.
If she can watch you pursuing aworthy goal, that will make her
excited to be with you.
Dan (06:48):
And part of the other thing here that I've I've thought
about as you're talking was thata lot of times we're not
necessarily always going to bein sync in terms of our moods,
right, so sometimes we're goingto be a little bit upset.
The other person might be happy, and vice versa, and if your
happiness or your sadness isreally so tied closely to that
(07:11):
other person, then you're kindof missing out on some potential
benefits of being in thatrelationship where that other
person might be able to assistyou and kind of get you out of
that funk a little bit right, orkind of maybe bring you back
down to reality if you're flyinga little too high too long.
So I think that also issomething that you are going to
(07:35):
be losing out on if you arereally making your world
dependent upon the otherperson's happiness.
Charles (07:42):
Yeah, and it is a little counterintuitive where
you think, oh, if I, if I wantto be happy, I'll just keep all
the people around me happy andthen I'll be happy too.
It really it works the oppositeway.
It's like if you focus on notjust what makes you happy,
because happiness can besomewhat fleeting, like you said
you could.
Happiness can be a little bitdependent on what's your current
(08:03):
mood.
But if you're finding meaning,contentment, joy and fulfillment
in the things that you do on adaily, on a daily basis, then
you will naturally surroundyourself with other people that
are doing the same kind of thingand and getting a lot out of
out of their pursuits as well.
So that is is great advice.
As I see it is make.
(08:24):
Make your your passion, yourmission, your purpose, your
number one priority, and andwork to move the ball forward on
that, and your personalrelationships will also benefit
greatly from that.
The second point is you have todevelop and maintain good guy
friends and, what's funny, Inoticed in myself that I focus
(08:47):
on that much more when I'm notin a relationship than when I am
, and I've been dating mygirlfriend now for about nine
months and, yeah, I am spendinga lot less time socializing with
my male friends than I have alot less time socializing with
my male friends than I havebefore her and I got together,
and that is something that I hadbetter get get worked out, and
(09:16):
I plan to take some steps to dothat here in the next couple of
months where I'll I'll be moreavailable to give and receive
good friendship from my, mybuddies, because I've I've not
been doing it great lately.
Dan (09:26):
I'm.
I'm exactly in the same boat.
I know that I I've spent a lotmore time with with guy friends
before I got into a relationship.
Absolutely Same thing and itand it's my pattern, that's.
That's what I've done.
Mine too, yeah, I haven'tcompletely ignored people and so
.
But unfortunately it wasusually the times that I am
(09:47):
getting together with guyfriends it's for big, big
occasions.
Most of the time, once in awhile it's it's what's, it's a
night out here and there, butthat's far less than when I was
single.
Now I don't expect to go backto that same level.
It's just I don't have thatmany hours in the day to be able
to do that.
But I do also feel like I needto take a look at and
(10:09):
reprioritize and, if nothingelse, at least reach out more
often over text or phone orwhatever, and check in with some
of the guy friends I haven'ttalked to in a while.
Charles (10:19):
So at a minimum, even if it's not like a night out or
whatever it is- yeah, I would,uh, I would encourage guys to
think about trying to do onenight a week with their guy
friends, if possible.
Yeah, I mean, if that's good.
If you're already not even ableto pull off one night a week
out with your girlfriend, thenone night a week out with your
(10:41):
guy friends is going to be isgoing to be difficult.
But most of us are able to getone date night a week with our
girlfriend.
We should also get one datenight a week with our guy
friends too, and uh, andmaintain those relationships so
that they'll we'll, they'll feellike we're around when they
need us and we'll feel likethey're around when we need them
.
Because if you, if you, haven'tseen a guy in a year because of
(11:05):
your new girlfriend, and then heeither hits a rough patch or
you hit a rough patch, whetherthat's with your job or your
relationship or whatever, it'sgoing to be a lot harder for
either of you to reach out Ifyou don't have that that normal,
regular, ongoing contact witheach other.
So, yeah, and I'm guilty ofdropping the ball, for sure,
with few people.
Yeah, so yeah, and I'm guiltyof dropping the ball, for sure,
(11:26):
with few people, yeah, as as amI.
So I'm going to, I'm going to,I'm going to work on picking
that up here it's.
It is difficult, though, becausein the pursuit of that passion,
that mission, that purpose,it's, a lot of us have a
full-time job.
Then we've got the thing thatwe work on when we're not at the
full-time and then, in additionto that, we've got to find time
(11:51):
to do the other things on thislist that we're we're covering,
and it's tough, it's tough, itreally is.
It really is to focus on any ofthem.
(12:16):
You have to say no tomaintaining a certain level of
comfort in your life that youwell, that you feel comfortable
with, like I.
You have to say, okay, I've gotto say no to laying in bed
watching my favorite TV show inorder to have a night out with
the guys, focus on doingstrenuous physical activity or
you know, whatever it is.
You've got to say no to thethings that you usually use to
(12:39):
recharge yourself sometimes, andthat's really hard, I mean for
me too.
When you're, when you'restressed, when you're busy, when
you're trying to keep multipleirons in the fire, it's's like
man.
You know just an hour of thatof severance or reacher or
whatever show that you'recurrently into just while you're
laying on your back and it'splaying on your tablet, your
(13:00):
phone, your TV, like man,sometimes nothing feels better
than that.
But that's true in the shortterm.
But in the longterm there'sprobably better ways that you
could be spending your time.
Dan (13:11):
I know for me, I'm guilty of doing those things, but doing
them excessively, like too much, too many episodes of a show
that I've just had Netflixcontinue to to keep showing me
right, instead of calling it offafter an hour of it or 15
minutes over, whatever it is,and that's that's my, that's my
(13:32):
downfall.
There is not being disciplinedenough to say, okay, look, I've
got, I had my, my break, myenjoyment, and now it's time to
do something that I am going toenjoy, but it's just not as an
immediate reward, as sittinghere munching on this popcorn,
watching my my netflix show.
Charles (13:54):
Yeah, yeah, it's tough.
I mean, a lot of the streamingservices have gotten better
about dropping new episodes oncea week, but there's still
occasionally times when a newseason of a show that I'm into
will release you forgot about,or or that you forgot about, and
it's yeah, yeah and all of asudden, the whole season's there
exactly yeah, when squid game,season two, part one, came out,
(14:16):
I I pretty much spent one day,the whole weekend, just watching
that, every episode of thatshow.
Yeah, and it was enjoyable.
But then you look back at theweekend and you're like crap,
it's.
It's eight o'clock on monday.
I'm driving to work.
What did I get done thisweekend?
Well, I watched squid game.
I mean that that's not a greatfeeling.
So the next item in the listyou have to engage in strenuous
(14:40):
exercise on a daily basis, andthat's another one that is very
easy to make a low priority,even though you know you should
be doing it.
But my, my advice to guys iseither travel great distances or
lift heavy things, or, ideally,do both.
So that means walking, running,biking something to to go a
long way.
(15:00):
And or, if you can't do both,pick one, lift, lift heavy
things and put it back down andjust taking on the voluntary
hardship of making those foot orbike trips that you don't need
to make.
You're just doing it to get outthere and put some steps on the
board or put some miles on theboard.
(15:21):
That feels good after you'vedone it, when you're in the
middle of it.
There's things you can do tomake it feel better.
You and I talk about this onthe podcast and our personal
lives tons.
I love just putting on a goodbook or a good podcast and just
walk in for long distances andyou should be doing something
around that every day.
(15:41):
Either walk and lift onalternating days, do it on the
same day, just focus on one orthe other, depending on what
your goals are.
But you gotta, you gotta bedoing something that is
uncomfortable with your body ona daily basis, because it just
makes you into a better man.
Dan (15:58):
Yeah, yeah, and I mean also there's, there's lots of
studies out now that show justthat the changes in your
hormones by the physicalmovement, the physical activity,
it's better all around, notjust for your physical health
but your mental health as well.
So it provides clarity, helpswith creativity and I mean at a
(16:19):
minimum, it just it gets bloodflowing a little bit more
quickly throughout your body andI know I've I've solved
problems and and just not eventhinking about them directly,
like subconscious, come up withsolutions just from going for a
walk and looking at and alsolooking at big open spaces too.
There's there's studies, andthat human talks about that
(16:40):
where the more, more space youhave in your vision, the more it
activates the creative part ofyour brain.
So if you want to be creative,go to big open spaces or sit in
big rooms.
Whereas, if you want to becreative, go to big open spaces
or sit in big rooms.
Whereas if you want to reallyfocus on individual data, like
you're, you're crunching numbersand you'd be very specific with
things, then kind of put theblinders on and kind of close
(17:04):
down your, your peripheralvision so you can really focus.
So it's, it's, it's, it'samazing, all the, the, the
benefits that we have yet toeven realize of just doing
simple things like going for awalk outside.
Charles (17:19):
Yeah, that's a great insight.
And, yeah, I like what AndrewHuberman comes up with.
He doesn't just throw stuff offthe cuff that he thinks might
be a neat idea.
He's got the data to back it up.
When he makes suggestions likethat, Yep, you have to lean into
challenge on a neat idea, he'she's got the data to back it up
when he when he makessuggestions like that, Yep, you
have to lean into challenge on adaily basis.
Yeah, that's that's veryimportant.
I I think we said in the lastcouple episodes that so many of
(17:42):
us it's like the day we leavecollege or the day we leave the
military, it's like we're donedoing new things that we might
fail at, where challengingyourself is about the taking on
the responsibility of hey, I'mgoing to try this thing that I
don't know if I'm going tosucceed at or not, but I'm going
to try it anyway.
And being the person that doesthat on a daily basis not only
(18:04):
builds a much better life foryou, but it attracts people too,
because it it displays yourresilience Like I can try
something that I might fail at,and even if I fail, I'll be okay
and I'll try again.
Dan (18:15):
And it doesn't even have to be something where it's like a
big pass fail.
A book that I was recommendedcalled the war of art from
Steven Pressfield.
He is a big advocate ofovercoming resistance, and so
there's things that our brainswill spin up for us that will
inhibit the things that we wantto do for ourselves.
(18:37):
The other part of our brainwants to be able to continue to
work on that passion project,right, or asking for the extra
shot of espresso that you didn'tget right, going back and ask
you for it.
But there's a little resistancethere, right, and so he kind of
(18:58):
the book is really good aboutframing what resistance is in
terms of our brain.
Just having this, this level ofof of resistance and and, and
really his measure of whetherthe day was a win or a fail was
whether he overcame some sort ofresistance or that day, and I
feel like that's kind of a, aneasier version of what glover is
(19:20):
talking about here, where youknow it's not like a, a win or a
fail, what did you fail at?
It's more like did you overcomethat low level of resistance
that your brain is is normallypushing on you where you would
ordinarily kind of back away andsay, all right, it's not going
to, I'm not going to try, I'mnot going to bother, because I
feel a little bit weird aboutdoing this Right, or I feel like
(19:44):
, ugh, no, and you use it toprocrastinate and doom something
, and it's literally.
You could sit there and he's awriter.
So for him it was overcomingresistance to sit at the
typewriter and create some newinformation.
And what he said was, even ifit was garbage, even if it
wasn't totally polished andready for a print, he would
(20:05):
consider the day was a win if heactually sat at his typewriter
and then wrote out, even if itwas the garbage, the worst thing
ever.
So that's, I've been kind ofexploring that myself and a lot
of times when you do that, you,you you just like, oh wow, this
wasn't nearly as bad as Ithought it was.
And then, inertia takes over andyou end up doing a lot more
(20:25):
than you initially kind ofguaranteed that you would do.
So I'm just going to, I'm goingto work on this project for
five minutes.
I'm going to clean this.
I'm going to clean my officefor five minutes or clean up one
bill off my off the desk here,and then, before you know, it's
just like 10, 15 minutes laterI've gotten a lot more done.
So I, I, I.
That's kind of something thatI've been looking at.
Charles (20:45):
War of Arv and Pressfield has a couple can open
it not to just I'm going to dosomething I'm not sure I can
succeed at, but even just I'mnot going to.
I'm going to do something I'mnot sure I feel like doing.
Dan (21:04):
Exactly Right.
Charles (21:06):
And way summarizing what I'd scrambled about
no-transcript, and you know when, when you live with a partner,
(21:26):
when you live with kids,obviously you're going to have
things that come up where you'relike.
Okay, I, we're talking to Ithink we're both talking about
mainly do things that you don'tknow if you can do or that you
don't know if you feel likedoing for yourself.
That's, that's the kind thatwill help you build up to be
this person with the kind oflife that you, that you can
appreciate and other people willwill be really hyped to be
(21:50):
around.
Yeah, you have to develop andmaintain a spiritual practice.
This is a.
This is a tough one.
The extent of my spiritualpractice these days is generally
mindfulness, meditation, andI'm not even doing that as
reliably and as often as I wishthat I was.
I would like to make that a.
(22:11):
I guess you could put myjournaling in there too.
But yeah, I'm, I'm doing thiswhen I feel like I have the time
and when I feel like I have themotivation is what I'm doing it
, which is no, that that's nosolution.
Dan (22:25):
Yeah, and I'm.
I'm in the same boat.
I've been slacking on mymeditations for a while, but
I've also come to feel like if Ispend just a minute or two and
try to think of something thatI'm grateful for or appreciate,
I feel like that's, that's kindof for me anyway, it feels a
little spiritual.
It's in that.
(22:46):
It's in that realm.
Charles (22:48):
Gratitude practice is definitely spiritual.
You and I talked on a recentepisode about doing it and I've
been really you you've been muchbetter at it than I have last
last week or so that we startedwhere I've, yeah, I've, I've let
my uh, my focus and my justsort of this manic hunt for a
(23:08):
new car really overrideeverything else the last few
days and, yeah, I, I, I didn'tdo a good job of responding to
your, your gratitude yeah, allright, that's all right, no
worries.
Dan (23:19):
And the other thing that has helped me is reframing it in
terms of what, what's made mehappy lately, and sometimes
that's easier for me to then thething of, yeah, think of
something that I appreciate orI'm grateful for.
It's just another way oforienting my brain yeah.
Charles (23:33):
So yeah, we're talking on the secular side.
There's things like meditation,journaling, gratitude practices
and then, obviously, if you'rea religious person, then it's
very easy to go to whoever is incharge of what location you go
to for your, your formalizedworship on a weekly basis and
(23:53):
say, hey, look, I'm, I'm, I'minterested in a in a daily
practice.
What would you recommend?
And I'm sure that person willhave a, a book or a ritual or
something that they canrecommend to you, that they say,
okay, here's, here's whatpeople who want to do things on
a daily basis often find valuein.
So that's, that's pretty easy.
If you're, if you're in a, in amore formalized religious
(24:14):
situation like that, just go tothe people in charge of it and
say, hey, I want a littlesomething to do every day.
What do you recommend?
I guarantee they'll be happyfor your question and they'll
give you some info for it.
(24:42):
He meant by this.
I think what he means is yourgift to the world is sharing
with people your time, youreffort, and I think if you can
tie it into whatever your, yourpassion or your purpose is all
the better.
Right, if you can say, allright, I'm going to pursue
whatever this thing is and I'mgoing to share it with other
people.
That's going to make you feelvery good, and it could be.
I mean, your gift could just betime.
(25:03):
It could be volunteering,taking taking dogs for a walk at
the dog pound or volunteeringyour time in something else.
But you gotta, you gotta builda practice where you're you're
giving something to people withno expectation of of a return,
and if not only does it feelgood, but it's, it's a good way
(25:23):
to make the world a better place, maybe the best way.
Dan (25:26):
Yeah, yep, yeah, I think I agree it's.
It's a lot easier if the thingthat is getting you excited and
that your passion also issomething that you can help
spread and give to the world.
It makes it a very enjoyableprocess and sometimes can
definitely help fuel thatpassion.
(25:47):
Keep it going when you don'tfeel like overcoming that
resistance.
Charles (25:52):
Yeah.
So that's the list.
Again, I'll summarize make yourlife passion your number one
priority.
Develop and maintain good guyfriendships.
Engage in strenuous exercise ona daily basis, lean into
challenge on a daily basis,develop and maintain a spiritual
practice and give your gift tothe world.
And then, a little bit furtherdown, he gives us a nice little
(26:12):
cheat sheet of okay, here aresome very specific actions you
can take that will move youtowards some of these bigger
goals Get organized.
Keep your car and your houseclean.
Pay attention to your personalgrooming.
Create a beautiful space aroundyou, meaning a home or an
office that you enjoy being in.
Learn to dance.
Have regular hobbies.
Meditate.
(26:32):
Do it now, whatever it is, doit now.
Don't don't put it on a list.
Don't procrastinate.
If something comes to yourattention and you can do it
quickly, just do it.
Get out of debt, save moneyevery day, make your bed, do
your dishes, hang up yourclothes, keep your bathroom
picked up.
Limit your television and yourinternet surfing and take some
classes.
So those are some things thatare all the kind of building
(26:54):
blocks into these bigger picturepractices that we we covered in
this list.
Yeah, and I think that was.
Those were the takeaways fromchapter nine, which again was
titled create a lifestyle thatattracts women.
Naturally, and it really.
Again, you don't do it for thepurpose of attracting the women,
(27:15):
you do it for the purpose ofhaving a decent life, because I
mean, even if you, even if youlive with a woman because she's
your girlfriend, your wife,whatever, I guarantee you don't
live with her as often as youlive with yourself.
And so build, build a life thatyou know you can enjoy during
the downtime as well as theuptime, and the alone time as
well as the partnered time, andthis is a way that you can do
(27:37):
that.
All right, anything else tooffer, dan?
Dan (27:41):
None on this one.
Charles (27:42):
All right, told you it was going to be a quick one,
guys.
So there we go.
We will talk with you next timein chapter 10, which is called
Activate Women's BasicBiological Urges.
Let me see how far are we frompart two of this book.
I want to see how many chapterswe've got left in in section
(28:02):
one or part one.
Let's see here.
Yeah, 10 is the last oneactually.
So the part one is titledmastering your mind, where it's
all about understanding and andgetting the things that you need
to understand and get to putyourself in a headspace where
you could be a good partner orcould be a good dater.
And then part two, perfectingyour practice, is actually going
(28:24):
out there and taking actionthat will bring the kind of
women into your life that you'relooking for.
So, yeah, chapter 10 will beour last one for part one.
Then you and I are going totake a break and talk about
doing a different book, and thenwe'll come back and do part two
at some point in the future.
So one one episode left to go.
Thanks, dan, I appreciate it.
We'll talk to you soon.
Dan (28:45):
All right.
Charles (28:45):
Bye-bye, bye.
Thank you so much for listeningto the entire episode, dan, and
I certainly appreciate it.
No-transcript.
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