March 3, 2025 • 22 mins
You fear rejection—but what if the real problem isn’t hearing “no,” but never taking the shot at all? In this episode of Mindfully Masculine, Charles and Dan dive into Dr. Robert Glover’s Dating Essentials for Men to unpack the hidden costs of avoiding rejection, and why reframing it can change everything.
🔹 Topics Covered:
- Why rejection isn’t the worst thing—inaction is
- The Seinfeld Effect: How doing the opposite of your instincts can work
- Self-limiting beliefs: What they are and how they sabotage success
- Treating dating like a scientific experiment to get better results
- The psychology of motivation: Pain, pleasure, and real change
- Overcoming fear of judgment and social anxiety
- Confidence vs. technique—why one always wins
🚀 Actionable Takeaways:
- Rejection isn’t personal—it’s just data. Learn, adjust, move on.
- The real danger? Letting fear keep you from opportunities.
- Confidence doesn’t mean perfection—it means ownership of who you are.
- Stop guessing—test for interest and let results guide you.
This episode is packed with real-world strategies, insights from psychology, and even a little Seinfeld wisdom. If you’ve ever let fear of rejection hold you back, it’s time to rethink everything.
💡 Listen now and discover why rejection is never the problem—avoiding it is.
📌 Visit mindfullymasculine.com for full episodes, video content, and more.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Charles (00:00):
Who can reject you?
Who does reject you, and whatis it that you are telling
yourself is rejection?
That's not actually rejection,like A woman communicating a low
level of interest in going outwith you is not reject.
Welcome back to the mindfullymasculine podcast.
This is Charles, all right.
In this episode, dan and I willcontinue our discussion of
dating essentials for men, partone by Dr Robert Glover, and
(00:23):
Some of the topics we'll getinto will be the importance of
addressing self-limiting beliefs, how societal and online
influences reinforce negativebeliefs, the role of confidence
and attraction, overcoming fearof judgment and social anxiety,
personal growth after breakupsand why timing matters,
reframing rejection andunderstanding its true meaning,
(00:44):
the psychology of motivation,treating dating as a scientific
experiment, testing for interestand interpreting different
levels of attraction, howself-perception shapes dating
success, the importance oftaking action and breaking
limiting patterns, and otheradditional topics.
Please check out our website,mindfully masculinecom to check
out our audio episodes, fullvideo episodes and anything else
(01:08):
we want to share.
Thanks and enjoy.
Welcome back.
We just finished recording ourlast episode and we're going to
roll right into the next one,because you got to talk to your
sister at 1130, right, okay?
So no problem.
This is a fairly quick chapterwith a bit of repeat from what
we've already covered.
So we'll go through it prettyquickly here and we're going to
spend more time on self-limitingbeliefs, because, again, it is
(01:31):
that important.
He spends a lot of time on itand I think we should as well,
because really letting go ofthese ideas confirmed daily in
our minds will help us get pastsome limitations in our
experiences.
You're going to be spinningyour wheels if you don't change
your self-limiting beliefs.
Dan (01:47):
It's the root of everything .
If you're not willing to changethose, you're wasting your time
.
Charles (01:52):
Try anything else.
Yeah, I think as guys, we findourselves in that trap sometimes
where we're like, okay, I'm notgoing to change anything about
who I am or what.
I think I'm just going to tryto apply this new technique.
I learned to getting dates,meeting women and think I'm just
(02:12):
gonna try to apply this newtechnique.
I learned to, yeah, gettingdates, meeting women.
And again, why you're kickingit too exactly, and the way cory
wayne talks about it is, you'llfind levels of success that are
attainable but not sustainable.
So you'll get some.
If you change up the techniquesyou use for how you go about
meeting new people and maybeasking them out on dates, you'll
have more success than you'veexperienced in the past.
But after not too long thewheels will fall off and you
won't have, you won't changeyour life in a positive way and
you won't change the nature ofyour relationships in a positive
(02:34):
way.
You'll just they'll get moredoors open, but eventually
they'll slam shut on you becauseyou're not changing what you're
bringing to the table.
Okay, some of the.
He's got another section wherehe categorizes these
self-limiting beliefs.
Some are negative thoughts.
Those would include I don'tdeserve a loving relationship.
I'm not good at small talk.
Attractive women never talk tome.
I'm afraid of rejection.
(02:55):
I might fail and look like anidiot.
Those are negative thoughts.
Distorted thoughts includethings like if one woman rejects
me, then they will all rejectme.
Or women don't like short men,bald men, poor men whatever is
relevant for you, women only gofor guys with money.
Based on this experience, Ihave decided to define that
experience in a certain way andapply it to a broad range of
(03:19):
women I've never met orinteracted with.
Starting real correct.
Society is happy to help in thatdistortion as much as you'll
let them.
The groups on Reddit orFacebook you choose to
participate in will certainly behappy.
You'll find plenty of guyswilling to reinforce your
self-limiting beliefs because itmakes their self-limiting
beliefs feel less likeself-limiting beliefs and more
(03:40):
like objective reality.
Dan (03:41):
And also the point you made in the last podcast, weird
Online, you get fed things thatalign with your beliefs and
gravitate towards them as well.
So, yeah, for you to findsomething that's going to change
your mind.
You know you're open to it.
Yeah, you're not going to,you're not going to really seek
it out.
Charles (04:00):
It's very easy to say I don't want to be confronted
with things that make meuncomfortable or I already know
are not true.
Therefore, I will build a lifewhere I insulate myself against
those things.
I won't have to feel thoseuncomfortable feelings.
Judgmental thoughts includethings like I'm a fat slob,
women want successful men, butI'm a loser.
If I can't date a beautifulwoman, I won't date.
(04:20):
That's a big one where guyswill adopt this idea.
If I can't drive a Ferrari, Ijust won't drive a car at all.
Good luck.
Those are the three types hegoes through.
He starts this chapter with afun story from an episode of
Seinfeld where George Costanzahas this attitude Every instinct
I've had has been wrong.
It's only brought me trouble.
So I'm going to live my life inthe complete opposite way.
(04:40):
He decides to order acompletely different lunch than
he usually orders at the dinerthat him and Jerry and Elaine
hang out at, and then, I think,by ordering a different thing,
like some woman, notices that heordered the same lunch that she
orders, and he approaches herand he's I'm bald, I'm
unemployed, I live with myparents.
He just leaves with all of hisnegatives and she's oh hi, I'm
(05:00):
Denise or whatever, and why isthat?
Obviously that's a comedicversion of something.
That's true.
It wasn't what he said to herthat appealed to her.
It was the fact that he justwalked up to her and stated it
so confidently.
That's what was attractive toher in that episode.
Dan (05:18):
And I'm talking about stating something, negative
where most people would be evenmore insecure and hesitant if
they're speaking normally.
Charles (05:28):
Yeah, it's a funny episode.
I forget what it's called, butit's a good episode.
If you're a Seinfeld fan, youprobably know about it.
If not, you don't have to bingethe series to see it.
It's interesting that hedecides.
Everything that I've beentrying up until this point has
been wrong for me.
I'm going to try to do theopposite of it and, yeah, we
should integrate that thinkingin manageable doses into our own
(05:48):
lives.
I meet a new girl, fall in loveimmediately and follow her like
a puppy dog for a couple ofyears to see if she magically
just falls in love with me andtells me that she wants to be
with me.
That's not working, so maybe Ishould try something else.
Dan (06:00):
Yeah, part of that requires awareness of what you're doing,
so you can choose the opposite.
I love this idea because it issimple.
It takes thinking out of theequation.
It makes you super decisive.
I would normally oh nope, Iknow what I'm going to do.
It's the opposite of mytendency, so you're not even
thinking about it by applyingthe exact opposite of your
normal intentions ShortcutPicking your mind out of it, not
(06:23):
talking yourself out of it,yeah, or scaring yourself.
Charles (06:27):
Or overthinking.
Yeah, you're just saying I'm introuble.
What would I normally do withthat girl?
Do nothing, just sit and waitfor her to leave.
Dan (06:34):
And being decisive is a very attractive quality in
people right One of the mostabsolutely, and it comes across
as being confident and knowingwhere you're going confident and
knowing where you're going.
Charles (06:45):
He tells a story of a guy that went to one of his
workshops where, basically, thisguy had the idea of he wouldn't
go to restaurants or bars andjust eat by himself because he
would think everybody's going tolook at me like a loser.
That's thinking keeps peopleout of the gym, right, if I go
to the gym to work out for thefirst time, everybody's going to
look at me and see that I'musing machines wrong and I'm
going to be the laughingstock ofthe whole gym.
So it's better that I justdon't go at all.
Either people will not noticeyou at all or they'll notice you
(07:08):
and be like, oh, that guy'shaving dinner by himself.
That's going to be it.
Dan (07:12):
Yeah, I wonder what his story is.
What's he like?
Because that doesn't happen allthe time.
Is he traveling for work?
Maybe we're biased because wewere traveling consultants
Sometimes.
Yeah, that's true, we were atthe hotel bar eating, by
ourselves, exactly, or in theroom.
Charles (07:23):
Yeah, it's easier to order.
We didn't have Postmates backwhen we were outside, but it's
easier to order room service andeat in your room than going
downstairs.
But now I'm in Chicago for thefirst time on somebody else's
dime.
I'm going to a nice restaurantget some good food and
appreciate being in a cool placethat I'm not even having to pay
for.
And yeah, I would rarely justretire to the unless it was a
long day when I was really tiredor whatever, or travel day.
(07:45):
This is a charmed life whereI'm in a cool place and I'm not
even having to pay to be here.
This is awesome.
I'm gonna go out and enjoy it.
One of the many things I loveabout nikki glazer, the comedian
she is always when she'spromoting her tours and her
shows on her social media.
She's always encouraging peopleto go to her shows alone.
If you don't have somebody,come alone.
Going out to movies alone goingout to yeah, that's never
(08:07):
bothered me, the idea of, oh,there's a movie coming out and
I'm super into this director orwhatever.
I can take off work and see amatinee on the thursday before
it's officially released, like Iwould do that all the time and
it never bothered me.
I encourage people do thosethings, have fun and don't worry
about people like so.
This guy was at one of hisworkshops and he's I'm not even
comfortable going out to eat bymyself.
He went out to eat.
(08:27):
He was by himself.
He saw a woman who was out toeat by herself and he was like I
can't like bother her.
She probably doesn't want toget bothered by me.
He decided what will happen ifI walk up to her and ask her if
I can sit with her?
She was happy to have him sitwith her and they had a nice
time together.
He was willing to let go ofthose self-limiting beliefs.
(08:51):
They spent the afternoontogether.
I went out to dinner and he hada good time because he was
willing to try destroying thismyth in his head with action.
Dan (09:01):
People seek connection.
Human beings, we seekconnection.
Sometimes we don't.
Sometimes you can say a puss onthe face or a resting bitch
face and it's just like, okay,stay away.
But if you don't see that, then, if anything, you, by, by going
first, you are giving value tosomebody else and you're saying,
hey, I'm going to bring yousome energy here, I want to
(09:22):
connect with you and it doesn'thave to be anything other than a
conversation and it says a lot.
It says a lot for somebodywho's willing to do that.
When I lived in North Carolina,briefly for a little while, I
remember I went up to our city.
Where were you in?
I was in Raleigh, raleigh, okay, I was in Raleigh, raleigh,
okay, I was traveling all thetime.
So one weekend I did make itout to a bar and I was standing
there by myself and a group of acouple of guys and a couple of
(09:46):
girls came up and said, hey, youwant to hang out with us?
We saw you were standing hereby yourself.
I was blown away.
It wasn't a crazy religioussect or anything like that.
Nobody was trying to convert meor anything like that.
No, it was.
Yeah, it was really.
It left a mark.
I will never forget that,because that just doesn't happen
that often, or at least not tome.
Yeah, same.
Charles (10:03):
I can think of experiences like that it doesn't
happen often, but it doeshappen sometimes where people
are like hey, what are you up to, what's your story?
It's so funny, I don't evenknow how to respond.
Dan (10:15):
What do you want from me?
Charles (10:15):
Yeah, so he does to listen, confronting yourself
with many beliefs and doinganything to change them.
It's a lot of hard work.
It takes a lot to do, so hedoes make the point.
You have to be very motivatedand willing to unpack stuff.
That's going to be difficult.
If things are going well foryou, you might not be a good
candidate for this.
If things are going perfect,you're definitely not going to
(10:37):
do it and you might not need to.
But if you've learned tocomfort yourself and accept the
way things are and like I guessit's good enough, I don't really
want to, it's really only.
I can speak from personalexperience.
My periods of significantpersonal growth and development
have happened at the end of arelationship and usually a
(11:02):
breakup.
That was pretty rough on me andI'm happy to say that now I am
in a relationship and I'm alsostill taking my personal growth
seriously.
Before I was in a relationship,it's okay.
Now the relationship is myproject.
It gets all of my energy, myattention and my career and my
own self-development growthgoals.
(11:25):
They get pushed to the backburner.
Dan (11:27):
So many of us do that dude.
Yeah, including our friends theback burner.
Charles (11:31):
I'm guilty of that too, where, right now, I feel like
I'm not in that pattern with mycurrent relationship, which is
nice, she's got some goals she'sworking on and trying to
develop as well relationship,which is nice, she's got some
goals, she's working on andtrying to develop as well and I
feel being a more effectivepartner and more effective at
everything else I have to dobecause I'm not just zeroing in
on getting obsessed with therelationship.
Dan (11:50):
And it's safer because you're not putting all your eggs
in one basket.
If you lose one of those things, you still have other things in
your life for support, bringingyou and helping with happiness,
absolutely.
Charles (12:00):
Yeah, it doesn't put undue pressure on my partner
either.
I've experienced that beforewhere my focus and dedication to
what I thought I needed to dofor the relationship was putting
too much of a burden.
Dan (12:12):
Yeah, if you put everything else on the back burner, that
one person is responsible for somany of your needs because you
have the opportunity to get themfilled from anywhere else.
Charles (12:22):
I bring that up because I may be speaking to the guy
who went through a breakuprecently or not that recently
but he's finally feeling likeit's time to get back out there.
Don't waste that energy.
That idea of maybe somethingneeds to change.
Maybe I need to approach thisin a new way, because the way I
did it last time didn't work.
Leverage that to clean out someself-limiting beliefs that when
you do meet the right person,you're not sabotaging yourself
(12:43):
with all these negative thingsyou've been carrying around Got
introduced to a concept that Ifind fascinating and it lines up
in my mind.
Dan (12:51):
When it comes to motivation , humans are not motivated by
pleasure and pain.
You're only motivated by hate.
Amazing, interesting and thiscomes from Indistractable
Amazing book.
What he says is even the thingsthat give us pleasure really
are a way of diverting the painof wanting something.
(13:13):
So, basically, we have thiswant for something and that is
causing us, and in order toalleviate that pain, we go and
get it.
If you get into self-limitingbeliefs, it is painful and it
does hurt because you're goingto feel enough pain to actually
motivate yourself to do so.
And if you don't get into thoseself-limiting beliefs, you're
(13:36):
never going to feel like, eh,it's good enough, you're not
feeling enough pain to actuallydo something about it.
I'm not saying kill yourself.
You need to feel motivated.
Getting into these.
It's going to be a two birdswith one stone effect, because
you're going to have themotivation from feeling those
strong emotions as you'redigging into them, as you're
(13:56):
reliving them or taking themapart so that you can do things
differently.
Charles (14:02):
You will have to get into things at a level that does
make you uncomfortable, andcertainly some of these you
could benefit from joining arecovery group or getting into
therapy.
Self-limiting beliefs can beovercome by getting out there
and taking action you have notbeen comfortable taking before.
But yeah, and he gets into.
(14:23):
And we mentioned it a little inthe last episode about
rejection who can reject you?
Who does reject you?
And what is it that you aretelling yourself is rejection?
That's not actually rejection.
Like a woman communicating a lowlevel of interest in going out
with you is not rejected.
A big component of that iswhat's going on in their
internal world and it's notcompletely about you Between the
(14:44):
possibilities.
Yeah, so that's even somebodyyou've been married to for a
decade or two.
When they break up with you,that feels a lot like rejection
because of how close they wereto you, how integrated you were
in each other's lives and howwell they knew you in each
other's lives and how well theyknew you.
But the girl you ask out forcoffee who says no thanks, that
(15:05):
is not anywhere in the realm ofrejection at the level of a
parent, spouse or long-termgirlfriend.
Dan (15:09):
Rejection to the invitation , not rejection of you, because
she doesn't know you it's.
I don't want coffee, I don'tlike coffee or I can't go at
that time it is possible to know.
Charles (15:19):
Based on the first impression you've presented, I'm
not interested.
That's okay, but that is notsome deep understanding of who
you are as a person and whatyour value is or is not.
Dan (15:27):
And all she's communicating is maybe physically you're not
my type and that's it.
Not about your personality,your sense of humor or anything
else about you.
Charles (15:35):
She doesn't know any it could be the way you've chosen
to introduce yourself to me andwhat you've chosen to put out
there as your first impression.
Dan (15:41):
Okay, but that is such a.
It's the iceberg, it is sosmall of what you are as a
person, correct.
Charles (15:46):
But the first impression you've chosen to
create may not be something I'minterested in.
Right, okay, great, that'svaluable info to know.
I approached you this way.
You're not interested?
There's a million reasons tosay no to somebody, two reasons
to say yes.
That's why redefining andreframing rejection is important
.
When a girl says no to you,it's not.
I have evaluated everythingthat makes charles and decided
(16:08):
that it's not.
It's not good enough for me.
That's not what's going on here.
It's no based on the currentoffering and my situation.
I'm not interested right nowand that's as far as it goes.
Dan (16:18):
It's humbling because not because you didn't get the date.
It's humbling because you haveto realize that you don't have
all the information you thoughtyou had.
Charles (16:28):
The world doesn't revolve around you.
Dan (16:31):
Right, you need to take a step back and go look, I don't
have all the information andthat's okay, that's normal,
nothing wrong with you.
Because you don't have thatinformation, a lot of us get
insecure and we're covered up.
I see this in job interviewswhen, briefly, when we were
hiring people for exchange, Iwould for an IT company.
I'd ask them how would you dosomething like this?
(16:51):
And if they didn't, it was avery specific skill set.
A lot of people knew how to dothis thing.
A lot of times they would makesomething up or lie about it.
That's not what I wanted.
Hey, I don't know, but I willfind out.
They're insecure and scared tocome across like they didn't
know something.
That's just not realistic.
Charles (17:09):
The humbling part is, every day, as we go throughout
the world, there are peoplemaking decisions that will have
an impact on us, that havenothing to do with us, sure,
have nothing to do with us, sure, and you have to accept that,
even when it comes to askingsomebody out, they could give
(17:30):
you a no for reasons that havenothing to do with you, like
there's.
You went into that interactionwith a 0% chance of success
because of what was going on intheir life or their
self-limiting beliefs, andthere's nothing you can do about
it.
All you can do is accept it andmove on down the road and look,
if you're a codependent person,if you're a controlling person,
if you're a person that has tobelieve that the world revolves
(17:52):
around you, then all you can dois internalize things that have
nothing to do with you and makeit your fault and your problem,
and you're just spinning yourwheels and wasting your time,
throwing away good time afterbad, and the thing that you can
get to and this is what drglover did with his own
experimentation is get to apoint where you realize
rejection doesn't have to hurt,it doesn't have to feel bad.
(18:14):
The story you tell yourselfabout somebody saying no is what
hurts you.
It's not their no is not whathurts you.
You do yeah, and how easy it isto take control of that story
is going to depend on a lot ofstuff from your past and a lot
of stuff about your previousexperiences and how open you are
to growth and doubting thingsyou know to be absolutely true.
(18:35):
When you go to the gym and workout your body, you're putting
your body through unpleasantthings because you believe it's
worth it.
Where, if you woke up in themiddle of the night feeling the
things you feel when youdeadlift 400 pounds, you'd be
convinced you were about to die.
But at the gym it's justTuesday.
What you do, you can reframegetting told no for a date.
The same way, this is avaluable part of the process.
(18:57):
Another example when you'replaying poker and you go all in
on pocket aces, whether you winor don't win, going all in on
pocket aces was probably theright choice.
It's about making the rightchoices in the process, not the
ultimate result.
That day and last time I wentall in on pocket aces, I lost
the hand.
I hope I don't get pocket acesanymore.
That would be a really sillyconclusion to come to and you'd
(19:20):
be a broke poker player in notime.
So it's taking the right actionin the moment is the right
choice.
Whether it leads to the mostpleasant result on that
particular occasion or not doesnot change whether it's the
right decision.
He says treat dating as ascientific experiment.
Try to get to the rejection asquickly as possible.
And he goes into a great thinglater on in the book about how
(19:43):
to test for interest atdifferent levels.
Your job as the man in a littledating start with hey, do you
want to have a conversation?
Okay.
Hey, do you want to gettogether for coffee?
Hey, usually not in a verbalway.
Do you want to kiss me?
Do you want to go to your place?
Do you want to be my girlfriend?
Do you want to get married?
Testing for interest situationsAt a huge level.
(20:05):
You're saying how interestedare you in continuing this?
Dan (20:08):
And it's important to remember that, if she were to
say no, she's rejecting thatspecific thing that you're
testing for.
Charles (20:14):
Not you Exactly.
She might be like yeah, I'mokay with kissing you, but I'm
not okay with going back to yourplace.
Dan (20:19):
Just because she says no right now doesn't mean things
don't change down the road.
So keep that in mind.
It just couldn't have been thecircumstance right now.
Charles (20:28):
Then he knows your business or love life could be
no, not right now.
I'm interested right now, butit's not never talk to me again,
or I never want to see youagain or I'm never going to be
interested.
No, right now.
I know our brains will go tothat issue.
Dan (20:41):
Yes, that will prevent us from moving forward,
unfortunately.
Charles (20:43):
He says something here that you and I have quoted or
repeated, or the idea we'vecertainly communicated before,
which is, if you're short, bald,unemployed, live with your
parents, whatever your problemis.
The problem is how you feelabout your problem, and I'll
tell you what.
With guys in height I see thisall the time it's like your
(21:04):
problem is not that you're short, your problem is that you think
like a short man and anylimitations that you're having
with women is not because you'reshort.
Now, look, there may be somegirls that are like eh, my type
is tall guys.
Like I've said for years,there's no girl who's not in my
league, because I don't believein leagues.
There are girls who may not beattracted to how I look or dress
(21:25):
, but that's not because they'rebetter than me, it's just
because they're not into what Iam.
It's simple and yeah.
So if you're, oh, I'm too shortto get dates, no, it's the
attitude of I'm too short to getdates that's stopping you from
getting dates.
And the because, again, onceyou show me a guy who is shorter
than average but he has theconfidence and the personality
(21:46):
and the sense of humor whatthere are.
I've dated plenty of girls I'mfive, eight, and some girls only
want to date guys who are sixfeet or taller.
I've dated lots of girls whoI've been the shortest guy
they've ever gone out with Wow.
I've dated plenty of girlstaller than me, until my current
girlfriend, most of my seriousrelationships so they were all
five, nine and higher.
(22:06):
It's not a problem, unless youwant to make it your problem.
There's somebody for everybody.
Everybody has.
Dan (22:12):
So perfect example.
Look at all the.
If you've ever gone to a pornsite, you see all the different
categories.
That's because humans have allkinds of tastes.
There will be somebody for you.
Just have faith and confidence.
If you're not meeting thatperson right now, you eventually
will, but you need to keeptrying.
Charles (22:28):
Yeah, if you check out of the system and you say, oh,
the pretty girls you want todate are not randomly going to
show up to your house saying,hey, I'm just looking for my
kind of guy, you happen to behim.
Because, yeah, there's magicdoesn't happen in your living
room.
You're not meeting new peopleon your couch.
Thank you so much for listeningto the episode in its entirety,
(22:49):
dan, and I appreciate it.
Again, please check out ourwebsite If you want to see more
full episodes, video, audio,anything else we want to share,
mindfullymasculinecom.
Thanks, we'll talk to you nexttime.
Who can reject you?
Who does reject you, and whatis it that you are telling
yourself is rejection?
That's not actually rejection,like A woman communicating a low
level of interest in going outwith you is not reject.
Welcome back to the mindfullymasculine podcast.
This is Charles, all right.
In this episode, dan and I willcontinue our discussion of
dating essentials for men, partone by Dr Robert Glover, and
(00:23):
Some of the topics we'll getinto will be the importance of
addressing self-limiting beliefs, how societal and online
influences reinforce negativebeliefs, the role of confidence
and attraction, overcoming fearof judgment and social anxiety,
personal growth after breakupsand why timing matters,
reframing rejection andunderstanding its true meaning,
(00:44):
the psychology of motivation,treating dating as a scientific
experiment, testing for interestand interpreting different
levels of attraction, howself-perception shapes dating
success, the importance oftaking action and breaking
limiting patterns, and otheradditional topics.
Please check out our website,mindfully masculinecom to check
out our audio episodes, fullvideo episodes and anything else
(01:08):
we want to share.
Thanks and enjoy.
Welcome back.
We just finished recording ourlast episode and we're going to
roll right into the next one,because you got to talk to your
sister at 1130, right, okay?
So no problem.
This is a fairly quick chapterwith a bit of repeat from what
we've already covered.
So we'll go through it prettyquickly here and we're going to
spend more time on self-limitingbeliefs, because, again, it is
(01:31):
that important.
He spends a lot of time on itand I think we should as well,
because really letting go ofthese ideas confirmed daily in
our minds will help us get pastsome limitations in our
experiences.
You're going to be spinningyour wheels if you don't change
your self-limiting beliefs.
Dan (01:47):
It's the root of everything .
If you're not willing to changethose, you're wasting your time
.
Charles (01:52):
Try anything else.
Yeah, I think as guys, we findourselves in that trap sometimes
where we're like, okay, I'm notgoing to change anything about
who I am or what.
I think I'm just going to tryto apply this new technique.
I learned to getting dates,meeting women and think I'm just
(02:12):
gonna try to apply this newtechnique.
I learned to, yeah, gettingdates, meeting women.
And again, why you're kickingit too exactly, and the way cory
wayne talks about it is, you'llfind levels of success that are
attainable but not sustainable.
So you'll get some.
If you change up the techniquesyou use for how you go about
meeting new people and maybeasking them out on dates, you'll
have more success than you'veexperienced in the past.
But after not too long thewheels will fall off and you
won't have, you won't changeyour life in a positive way and
you won't change the nature ofyour relationships in a positive
(02:34):
way.
You'll just they'll get moredoors open, but eventually
they'll slam shut on you becauseyou're not changing what you're
bringing to the table.
Okay, some of the.
He's got another section wherehe categorizes these
self-limiting beliefs.
Some are negative thoughts.
Those would include I don'tdeserve a loving relationship.
I'm not good at small talk.
Attractive women never talk tome.
I'm afraid of rejection.
(02:55):
I might fail and look like anidiot.
Those are negative thoughts.
Distorted thoughts includethings like if one woman rejects
me, then they will all rejectme.
Or women don't like short men,bald men, poor men whatever is
relevant for you, women only gofor guys with money.
Based on this experience, Ihave decided to define that
experience in a certain way andapply it to a broad range of
(03:19):
women I've never met orinteracted with.
Starting real correct.
Society is happy to help in thatdistortion as much as you'll
let them.
The groups on Reddit orFacebook you choose to
participate in will certainly behappy.
You'll find plenty of guyswilling to reinforce your
self-limiting beliefs because itmakes their self-limiting
beliefs feel less likeself-limiting beliefs and more
(03:40):
like objective reality.
Dan (03:41):
And also the point you made in the last podcast, weird
Online, you get fed things thatalign with your beliefs and
gravitate towards them as well.
So, yeah, for you to findsomething that's going to change
your mind.
You know you're open to it.
Yeah, you're not going to,you're not going to really seek
it out.
Charles (04:00):
It's very easy to say I don't want to be confronted
with things that make meuncomfortable or I already know
are not true.
Therefore, I will build a lifewhere I insulate myself against
those things.
I won't have to feel thoseuncomfortable feelings.
Judgmental thoughts includethings like I'm a fat slob,
women want successful men, butI'm a loser.
If I can't date a beautifulwoman, I won't date.
(04:20):
That's a big one where guyswill adopt this idea.
If I can't drive a Ferrari, Ijust won't drive a car at all.
Good luck.
Those are the three types hegoes through.
He starts this chapter with afun story from an episode of
Seinfeld where George Costanzahas this attitude Every instinct
I've had has been wrong.
It's only brought me trouble.
So I'm going to live my life inthe complete opposite way.
(04:40):
He decides to order acompletely different lunch than
he usually orders at the dinerthat him and Jerry and Elaine
hang out at, and then, I think,by ordering a different thing,
like some woman, notices that heordered the same lunch that she
orders, and he approaches herand he's I'm bald, I'm
unemployed, I live with myparents.
He just leaves with all of hisnegatives and she's oh hi, I'm
(05:00):
Denise or whatever, and why isthat?
Obviously that's a comedicversion of something.
That's true.
It wasn't what he said to herthat appealed to her.
It was the fact that he justwalked up to her and stated it
so confidently.
That's what was attractive toher in that episode.
Dan (05:18):
And I'm talking about stating something, negative
where most people would be evenmore insecure and hesitant if
they're speaking normally.
Charles (05:28):
Yeah, it's a funny episode.
I forget what it's called, butit's a good episode.
If you're a Seinfeld fan, youprobably know about it.
If not, you don't have to bingethe series to see it.
It's interesting that hedecides.
Everything that I've beentrying up until this point has
been wrong for me.
I'm going to try to do theopposite of it and, yeah, we
should integrate that thinkingin manageable doses into our own
(05:48):
lives.
I meet a new girl, fall in loveimmediately and follow her like
a puppy dog for a couple ofyears to see if she magically
just falls in love with me andtells me that she wants to be
with me.
That's not working, so maybe Ishould try something else.
Dan (06:00):
Yeah, part of that requires awareness of what you're doing,
so you can choose the opposite.
I love this idea because it issimple.
It takes thinking out of theequation.
It makes you super decisive.
I would normally oh nope, Iknow what I'm going to do.
It's the opposite of mytendency, so you're not even
thinking about it by applyingthe exact opposite of your
normal intentions ShortcutPicking your mind out of it, not
(06:23):
talking yourself out of it,yeah, or scaring yourself.
Charles (06:27):
Or overthinking.
Yeah, you're just saying I'm introuble.
What would I normally do withthat girl?
Do nothing, just sit and waitfor her to leave.
Dan (06:34):
And being decisive is a very attractive quality in
people right One of the mostabsolutely, and it comes across
as being confident and knowingwhere you're going confident and
knowing where you're going.
Charles (06:45):
He tells a story of a guy that went to one of his
workshops where, basically, thisguy had the idea of he wouldn't
go to restaurants or bars andjust eat by himself because he
would think everybody's going tolook at me like a loser.
That's thinking keeps peopleout of the gym, right, if I go
to the gym to work out for thefirst time, everybody's going to
look at me and see that I'musing machines wrong and I'm
going to be the laughingstock ofthe whole gym.
So it's better that I justdon't go at all.
Either people will not noticeyou at all or they'll notice you
(07:08):
and be like, oh, that guy'shaving dinner by himself.
That's going to be it.
Dan (07:12):
Yeah, I wonder what his story is.
What's he like?
Because that doesn't happen allthe time.
Is he traveling for work?
Maybe we're biased because wewere traveling consultants
Sometimes.
Yeah, that's true, we were atthe hotel bar eating, by
ourselves, exactly, or in theroom.
Charles (07:23):
Yeah, it's easier to order.
We didn't have Postmates backwhen we were outside, but it's
easier to order room service andeat in your room than going
downstairs.
But now I'm in Chicago for thefirst time on somebody else's
dime.
I'm going to a nice restaurantget some good food and
appreciate being in a cool placethat I'm not even having to pay
for.
And yeah, I would rarely justretire to the unless it was a
long day when I was really tiredor whatever, or travel day.
(07:45):
This is a charmed life whereI'm in a cool place and I'm not
even having to pay to be here.
This is awesome.
I'm gonna go out and enjoy it.
One of the many things I loveabout nikki glazer, the comedian
she is always when she'spromoting her tours and her
shows on her social media.
She's always encouraging peopleto go to her shows alone.
If you don't have somebody,come alone.
Going out to movies alone goingout to yeah, that's never
(08:07):
bothered me, the idea of, oh,there's a movie coming out and
I'm super into this director orwhatever.
I can take off work and see amatinee on the thursday before
it's officially released, like Iwould do that all the time and
it never bothered me.
I encourage people do thosethings, have fun and don't worry
about people like so.
This guy was at one of hisworkshops and he's I'm not even
comfortable going out to eat bymyself.
He went out to eat.
(08:27):
He was by himself.
He saw a woman who was out toeat by herself and he was like I
can't like bother her.
She probably doesn't want toget bothered by me.
He decided what will happen ifI walk up to her and ask her if
I can sit with her?
She was happy to have him sitwith her and they had a nice
time together.
He was willing to let go ofthose self-limiting beliefs.
(08:51):
They spent the afternoontogether.
I went out to dinner and he hada good time because he was
willing to try destroying thismyth in his head with action.
Dan (09:01):
People seek connection.
Human beings, we seekconnection.
Sometimes we don't.
Sometimes you can say a puss onthe face or a resting bitch
face and it's just like, okay,stay away.
But if you don't see that, then, if anything, you, by, by going
first, you are giving value tosomebody else and you're saying,
hey, I'm going to bring yousome energy here, I want to
(09:22):
connect with you and it doesn'thave to be anything other than a
conversation and it says a lot.
It says a lot for somebodywho's willing to do that.
When I lived in North Carolina,briefly for a little while, I
remember I went up to our city.
Where were you in?
I was in Raleigh, raleigh, okay, I was in Raleigh, raleigh,
okay, I was traveling all thetime.
So one weekend I did make itout to a bar and I was standing
there by myself and a group of acouple of guys and a couple of
(09:46):
girls came up and said, hey, youwant to hang out with us?
We saw you were standing hereby yourself.
I was blown away.
It wasn't a crazy religioussect or anything like that.
Nobody was trying to convert meor anything like that.
No, it was.
Yeah, it was really.
It left a mark.
I will never forget that,because that just doesn't happen
that often, or at least not tome.
Yeah, same.
Charles (10:03):
I can think of experiences like that it doesn't
happen often, but it doeshappen sometimes where people
are like hey, what are you up to, what's your story?
It's so funny, I don't evenknow how to respond.
Dan (10:15):
What do you want from me?
Charles (10:15):
Yeah, so he does to listen, confronting yourself
with many beliefs and doinganything to change them.
It's a lot of hard work.
It takes a lot to do, so hedoes make the point.
You have to be very motivatedand willing to unpack stuff.
That's going to be difficult.
If things are going well foryou, you might not be a good
candidate for this.
If things are going perfect,you're definitely not going to
(10:37):
do it and you might not need to.
But if you've learned tocomfort yourself and accept the
way things are and like I guessit's good enough, I don't really
want to, it's really only.
I can speak from personalexperience.
My periods of significantpersonal growth and development
have happened at the end of arelationship and usually a
(11:02):
breakup.
That was pretty rough on me andI'm happy to say that now I am
in a relationship and I'm alsostill taking my personal growth
seriously.
Before I was in a relationship,it's okay.
Now the relationship is myproject.
It gets all of my energy, myattention and my career and my
own self-development growthgoals.
(11:25):
They get pushed to the backburner.
Dan (11:27):
So many of us do that dude.
Yeah, including our friends theback burner.
Charles (11:31):
I'm guilty of that too, where, right now, I feel like
I'm not in that pattern with mycurrent relationship, which is
nice, she's got some goals she'sworking on and trying to
develop as well relationship,which is nice, she's got some
goals, she's working on andtrying to develop as well and I
feel being a more effectivepartner and more effective at
everything else I have to dobecause I'm not just zeroing in
on getting obsessed with therelationship.
Dan (11:50):
And it's safer because you're not putting all your eggs
in one basket.
If you lose one of those things, you still have other things in
your life for support, bringingyou and helping with happiness,
absolutely.
Charles (12:00):
Yeah, it doesn't put undue pressure on my partner
either.
I've experienced that beforewhere my focus and dedication to
what I thought I needed to dofor the relationship was putting
too much of a burden.
Dan (12:12):
Yeah, if you put everything else on the back burner, that
one person is responsible for somany of your needs because you
have the opportunity to get themfilled from anywhere else.
Charles (12:22):
I bring that up because I may be speaking to the guy
who went through a breakuprecently or not that recently
but he's finally feeling likeit's time to get back out there.
Don't waste that energy.
That idea of maybe somethingneeds to change.
Maybe I need to approach thisin a new way, because the way I
did it last time didn't work.
Leverage that to clean out someself-limiting beliefs that when
you do meet the right person,you're not sabotaging yourself
(12:43):
with all these negative thingsyou've been carrying around Got
introduced to a concept that Ifind fascinating and it lines up
in my mind.
Dan (12:51):
When it comes to motivation , humans are not motivated by
pleasure and pain.
You're only motivated by hate.
Amazing, interesting and thiscomes from Indistractable
Amazing book.
What he says is even the thingsthat give us pleasure really
are a way of diverting the painof wanting something.
(13:13):
So, basically, we have thiswant for something and that is
causing us, and in order toalleviate that pain, we go and
get it.
If you get into self-limitingbeliefs, it is painful and it
does hurt because you're goingto feel enough pain to actually
motivate yourself to do so.
And if you don't get into thoseself-limiting beliefs, you're
(13:36):
never going to feel like, eh,it's good enough, you're not
feeling enough pain to actuallydo something about it.
I'm not saying kill yourself.
You need to feel motivated.
Getting into these.
It's going to be a two birdswith one stone effect, because
you're going to have themotivation from feeling those
strong emotions as you'redigging into them, as you're
(13:56):
reliving them or taking themapart so that you can do things
differently.
Charles (14:02):
You will have to get into things at a level that does
make you uncomfortable, andcertainly some of these you
could benefit from joining arecovery group or getting into
therapy.
Self-limiting beliefs can beovercome by getting out there
and taking action you have notbeen comfortable taking before.
But yeah, and he gets into.
(14:23):
And we mentioned it a little inthe last episode about
rejection who can reject you?
Who does reject you?
And what is it that you aretelling yourself is rejection?
That's not actually rejection.
Like a woman communicating a lowlevel of interest in going out
with you is not rejected.
A big component of that iswhat's going on in their
internal world and it's notcompletely about you Between the
(14:44):
possibilities.
Yeah, so that's even somebodyyou've been married to for a
decade or two.
When they break up with you,that feels a lot like rejection
because of how close they wereto you, how integrated you were
in each other's lives and howwell they knew you in each
other's lives and how well theyknew you.
But the girl you ask out forcoffee who says no thanks, that
(15:05):
is not anywhere in the realm ofrejection at the level of a
parent, spouse or long-termgirlfriend.
Dan (15:09):
Rejection to the invitation , not rejection of you, because
she doesn't know you it's.
I don't want coffee, I don'tlike coffee or I can't go at
that time it is possible to know.
Charles (15:19):
Based on the first impression you've presented, I'm
not interested.
That's okay, but that is notsome deep understanding of who
you are as a person and whatyour value is or is not.
Dan (15:27):
And all she's communicating is maybe physically you're not
my type and that's it.
Not about your personality,your sense of humor or anything
else about you.
Charles (15:35):
She doesn't know any it could be the way you've chosen
to introduce yourself to me andwhat you've chosen to put out
there as your first impression.
Dan (15:41):
Okay, but that is such a.
It's the iceberg, it is sosmall of what you are as a
person, correct.
Charles (15:46):
But the first impression you've chosen to
create may not be something I'minterested in.
Right, okay, great, that'svaluable info to know.
I approached you this way.
You're not interested?
There's a million reasons tosay no to somebody, two reasons
to say yes.
That's why redefining andreframing rejection is important
.
When a girl says no to you,it's not.
I have evaluated everythingthat makes charles and decided
(16:08):
that it's not.
It's not good enough for me.
That's not what's going on here.
It's no based on the currentoffering and my situation.
I'm not interested right nowand that's as far as it goes.
Dan (16:18):
It's humbling because not because you didn't get the date.
It's humbling because you haveto realize that you don't have
all the information you thoughtyou had.
Charles (16:28):
The world doesn't revolve around you.
Dan (16:31):
Right, you need to take a step back and go look, I don't
have all the information andthat's okay, that's normal,
nothing wrong with you.
Because you don't have thatinformation, a lot of us get
insecure and we're covered up.
I see this in job interviewswhen, briefly, when we were
hiring people for exchange, Iwould for an IT company.
I'd ask them how would you dosomething like this?
(16:51):
And if they didn't, it was avery specific skill set.
A lot of people knew how to dothis thing.
A lot of times they would makesomething up or lie about it.
That's not what I wanted.
Hey, I don't know, but I willfind out.
They're insecure and scared tocome across like they didn't
know something.
That's just not realistic.
Charles (17:09):
The humbling part is, every day, as we go throughout
the world, there are peoplemaking decisions that will have
an impact on us, that havenothing to do with us, sure,
have nothing to do with us, sure, and you have to accept that,
even when it comes to askingsomebody out, they could give
(17:30):
you a no for reasons that havenothing to do with you, like
there's.
You went into that interactionwith a 0% chance of success
because of what was going on intheir life or their
self-limiting beliefs, andthere's nothing you can do about
it.
All you can do is accept it andmove on down the road and look,
if you're a codependent person,if you're a controlling person,
if you're a person that has tobelieve that the world revolves
(17:52):
around you, then all you can dois internalize things that have
nothing to do with you and makeit your fault and your problem,
and you're just spinning yourwheels and wasting your time,
throwing away good time afterbad, and the thing that you can
get to and this is what drglover did with his own
experimentation is get to apoint where you realize
rejection doesn't have to hurt,it doesn't have to feel bad.
(18:14):
The story you tell yourselfabout somebody saying no is what
hurts you.
It's not their no is not whathurts you.
You do yeah, and how easy it isto take control of that story
is going to depend on a lot ofstuff from your past and a lot
of stuff about your previousexperiences and how open you are
to growth and doubting thingsyou know to be absolutely true.
(18:35):
When you go to the gym and workout your body, you're putting
your body through unpleasantthings because you believe it's
worth it.
Where, if you woke up in themiddle of the night feeling the
things you feel when youdeadlift 400 pounds, you'd be
convinced you were about to die.
But at the gym it's justTuesday.
What you do, you can reframegetting told no for a date.
The same way, this is avaluable part of the process.
(18:57):
Another example when you'replaying poker and you go all in
on pocket aces, whether you winor don't win, going all in on
pocket aces was probably theright choice.
It's about making the rightchoices in the process, not the
ultimate result.
That day and last time I wentall in on pocket aces, I lost
the hand.
I hope I don't get pocket acesanymore.
That would be a really sillyconclusion to come to and you'd
(19:20):
be a broke poker player in notime.
So it's taking the right actionin the moment is the right
choice.
Whether it leads to the mostpleasant result on that
particular occasion or not doesnot change whether it's the
right decision.
He says treat dating as ascientific experiment.
Try to get to the rejection asquickly as possible.
And he goes into a great thinglater on in the book about how
(19:43):
to test for interest atdifferent levels.
Your job as the man in a littledating start with hey, do you
want to have a conversation?
Okay.
Hey, do you want to gettogether for coffee?
Hey, usually not in a verbalway.
Do you want to kiss me?
Do you want to go to your place?
Do you want to be my girlfriend?
Do you want to get married?
Testing for interest situationsAt a huge level.
(20:05):
You're saying how interestedare you in continuing this?
Dan (20:08):
And it's important to remember that, if she were to
say no, she's rejecting thatspecific thing that you're
testing for.
Charles (20:14):
Not you Exactly.
She might be like yeah, I'mokay with kissing you, but I'm
not okay with going back to yourplace.
Dan (20:19):
Just because she says no right now doesn't mean things
don't change down the road.
So keep that in mind.
It just couldn't have been thecircumstance right now.
Charles (20:28):
Then he knows your business or love life could be
no, not right now.
I'm interested right now, butit's not never talk to me again,
or I never want to see youagain or I'm never going to be
interested.
No, right now.
I know our brains will go tothat issue.
Dan (20:41):
Yes, that will prevent us from moving forward,
unfortunately.
Charles (20:43):
He says something here that you and I have quoted or
repeated, or the idea we'vecertainly communicated before,
which is, if you're short, bald,unemployed, live with your
parents, whatever your problemis.
The problem is how you feelabout your problem, and I'll
tell you what.
With guys in height I see thisall the time it's like your
(21:04):
problem is not that you're short, your problem is that you think
like a short man and anylimitations that you're having
with women is not because you'reshort.
Now, look, there may be somegirls that are like eh, my type
is tall guys.
Like I've said for years,there's no girl who's not in my
league, because I don't believein leagues.
There are girls who may not beattracted to how I look or dress
(21:25):
, but that's not because they'rebetter than me, it's just
because they're not into what Iam.
It's simple and yeah.
So if you're, oh, I'm too shortto get dates, no, it's the
attitude of I'm too short to getdates that's stopping you from
getting dates.
And the because, again, onceyou show me a guy who is shorter
than average but he has theconfidence and the personality
(21:46):
and the sense of humor whatthere are.
I've dated plenty of girls I'mfive, eight, and some girls only
want to date guys who are sixfeet or taller.
I've dated lots of girls whoI've been the shortest guy
they've ever gone out with Wow.
I've dated plenty of girlstaller than me, until my current
girlfriend, most of my seriousrelationships so they were all
five, nine and higher.
(22:06):
It's not a problem, unless youwant to make it your problem.
There's somebody for everybody.
Everybody has.
Dan (22:12):
So perfect example.
Look at all the.
If you've ever gone to a pornsite, you see all the different
categories.
That's because humans have allkinds of tastes.
There will be somebody for you.
Just have faith and confidence.
If you're not meeting thatperson right now, you eventually
will, but you need to keeptrying.
Charles (22:28):
Yeah, if you check out of the system and you say, oh,
the pretty girls you want todate are not randomly going to
show up to your house saying,hey, I'm just looking for my
kind of guy, you happen to behim.
Because, yeah, there's magicdoesn't happen in your living
room.
You're not meeting new peopleon your couch.
Thank you so much for listeningto the episode in its entirety,
(22:49):
dan, and I appreciate it.
Again, please check out ourwebsite If you want to see more
full episodes, video, audio,anything else we want to share,
mindfullymasculinecom.
Thanks, we'll talk to you nexttime.
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