April 1, 2025 • 21 mins
The moment you decide to eat the food, or NOT eat the food, you are saying YES to something.....you are saying yes to yourself in the moment (and staying the same....or unfortunately gaining more weight)....
Or you are saying YES to your future self. To getting in your best shape and health ever.
This podcast can help. And it is just the beginning, click below to learn more about how to work with me.
I'd like to invite you to schedule a complimentary consultation with me HERE to discuss the changes you'd like to make to your body and life. These consultations are fun, powerful, and can be a catalyst for uncovering what needs to change to create a more beautiful body and life. ~ Courtney
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:06):
Music. Welcome to Modern body, modern life, the
podcast for women who want tolose weight permanently, feel in
control around food and learnhow to stop obsessing about
their body and food, a modernway of thinking about your
weight, your body and your lifeincludes mindset. I'm body and
life coach, Courtney Gray, andeach week I'm going to teach you
(00:29):
the mindset tools that arenecessary for changing the way
you eat forever. We will uncoverwhy you're eating when you said
you were going to stop, what todo when you're really craving
something, and how important itis to decide what you want to
believe is possible for you. Ibelieve we can get in the best
shape of our lives at any age, amodern body, a modern life, all
(00:53):
starts in your mind, and whenyou learn how to manage that,
losing weight permanentlybecomes so much easier.
Welcome to the podcast. Episode72
we are going to be talking aboutthe moment you decide to eat it
or to not becoming the woman whomakes a future based decision.
(01:17):
You've probably heard me. Ifyou've listened to the podcast
many times before you've heardme talking a lot about your
future self and your presentself, and how most people
walking around the planet areliving for their present self.
And what I want you to do, whatI help the women in my program
do, is really start living fortheir future self, and then this
(01:39):
beautiful thing happens when theselves kind of merge together as
you start feeling more incontrol and losing weight and
getting stronger, and actuallystart up leveling your
awareness. It's almost kind oflike it's kind of conceptual,
but it's almost kind of likeyou're living in this moment of,
oh my god. I spent so longwanting to be at a certain
(02:00):
place, and now I'm at thatplace, and it's like my future
self and present self hasmerged, and now it's just a
beautiful life. And so that'swhat I want to talk about today.
Can you become hyper aware inthe moment
to be so clear what is going onfor you when you are living for
(02:21):
your present self or futureself. So think about when you're
in that moment and you want thatthing in front of you. What do
you want more? And this is whatI want you to think about the
next time, all of a sudden, it's4pm and you're like, getting
ready to just dive into somecrackers, or dive into some
pretzels, or you go to therestaurant and you've told
(02:42):
yourself you're gonna havesomething, and then all of a
sudden you're holding the menu,and the waiter comes up, and
you're like, it's happening.
It's happening again. And youall of a sudden go from future
self, wanting to lose weight,wanting to be stronger, wanting
to feel in control, to then justgoing, oh my god, forget it, and
just giving in present self. Iwant you to increase your
awareness as you walk throughoutyour life. I want you to see it
(03:06):
much more clearly to meachieving any goal, the step
number one is really increasingyour awareness of what is going
on with you as you movethroughout your day again, most
people, so many people, are justreally doing what they have to
do in the moment because they'veagreed to do things. You know,
(03:29):
especially us women. We agree todo all these things for other
people in the moment, but thenall the other things we're doing
when it comes to for ourselvesare really for our present day
self. Think of what you'reeating. Think about how you're
moving. Think about the excusesyou're making you're not making.
Think about what you are doing.
(03:49):
Are you moving forward for whatyou want in your future, or is
every decision you're makingthroughout the day for your
present self? And the way I liketo think of that is, is when we
are eating things that we reallyknow we shouldn't be eating,
that's present self. When wedecide to skip the workout or
the walk or the treadmill or thepeloton or the push ups, that's
(04:12):
present self because we wouldjust rather not do it when we
stay up really late at night. Ihave a lot of clients that this
is a big problem. One of thethings they say is, I really
want to start going to bedearlier, because I know if I go
to bed earlier, I can wake up alittle earlier and start my day.
And when you start your day outon the right foot, meaning when
you start your day out reallybeing intentional, you know it
(04:35):
changes your whole day. So Ihave many clients that they're
like, I really have a hard timegetting myself to go to bed on
time, and that creates a cycleof really not living for your
future self. It creates a cycleof in the moment. What I want
for you is, I want for you toreally take a moment the next
time you're in front of thatfood. This is going to help you
(04:57):
create awareness in every areaof your life when you're in
front.
Of that food. If you aredeciding to say yes, I'm just
going to eat this food knowingthat it does not support my
future goals. I want you to bevery aware of that decision, and
I want you to be aware of whatyou're saying yes to, because
every decision you're saying yesto something, what are you
(05:20):
saying yes to in that moment andwhen you decide you know what,
forget it. I'm gonna just starttomorrow. I'm just gonna eat
this thing. You are saying yesto staying the same, or you're
saying yes to actually goingeven farther down the road of
where you don't want to be.
Right? Maybe gaining weight iscontinuing to not be healthy,
continuing to not have goodblood work and continuing to be
(05:40):
inflamed, continuing to not bestrong in that moment, even if
you're not ready to make achange in that moment, if you
can be eating the cookie going Iam saying yes to staying the
same. What you're saying yes tois not becoming the woman that
can feel in control, notbecoming the woman that can do
things differently. And I knowit sounds kind of shameful. I
(06:02):
don't mean it as a shamefulthing, but even the awareness of
I'm doing it again, I amdeciding to eat it. I am not
becoming the woman I wanted tobecome. That is a powerful
awareness. And then you can justask yourself, why? Why do I feel
like I can't live for my future?
(06:24):
And really ask yourself, why?
What is it and not in this iswhat we normally do. We're just
like, why? What's wrong with us?
We always do this. No, why inthat moment does it feel so
hard? Because what's happeningin that moment is your primitive
brain is running the show. Yourprimitive brain is giving you
some sort of excuse. You're alsogetting I want to just really
(06:45):
paint a picture of what'shappening. So your primitive
brain is giving you that excuse.
You are also getting dopaminefrom doing what is the most
safe, what is the mostpleasurable in the moment? It's
getting you out of any possiblenegative emotion, whether you're
already experiencing a negativeemotion, or whether you are
going to feel a negative emotionby not eating the food. And so
(07:06):
you are getting safety andpleasure and getting out of any
negative emotion by eating thatfood in the moment. You're also
getting the delicious taste.
You're also getting the habit,like the continuing to do what
you've always done, and that is,your brain loves that. Your
(07:27):
brain's like, yes, let's justkeep doing what we've done,
because we know you've you'vebeen surviving. Maybe you
haven't been thriving, butyou've been surviving, but all
of that is at the expense ofwhat you truly desire, but So
ask yourself, why? What is it inthis moment? Is it because I
just want it and I'm tellingmyself I deserve it? Is that it?
(07:50):
Is it because I feel like aweirdo, if I'm the only one that
says no to this? Is it because Ifeel like I don't want to sit
here and be sad, and if I, if Iput the food down, I'm sad what
is going on with you, and onceyou find out what is really
going on with you, that's yourhomework. That's what needs to
be solved. Most of the time, wecan just kind of categorize this
(08:13):
as emotional eating, but it's somuch more complicated than
emotional eating. Oftentimes,what happens is when we start to
actually become more aware inthe moment, we immediately go to
shame. And so that's why wedon't want to become aware,
because we don't like feelingshame. And shame might be like
an under, like a very low levelemotion you might not be aware
(08:36):
of. It's not like, you're like,I'm feeling shame. I need to
stop thinking about this. It'sall subconscious. But what
happens is, is we don't want tothink. We don't want to slow
down enough to think about whatwe're doing, because then we
tell ourselves, you're an idiot,you're doing it again. Oh my
god, you always do this. See,you just can't be the person you
want to be. So we don't want tothink at all. What I'm asking
(08:58):
you to do this is what I askedthe women on my program to do is
to really slow down and just beaware, get curious and figure
out what is really going on withyourself. Then and only then do
you have the ability to actuallysolve for that thing. So maybe
for you, it's people pleasing.
People pleasing is huge. Peoplepleasing is a survival instinct.
It is a survival instinct tomake sure everyone at the table,
(09:22):
when we are at a restaurant, tomake everyone at the table have
good thoughts about us. Ofcourse, we can't control that,
but we think we can. Andsometimes we think, in order to
make everyone have goodthoughts, we need to be eating
what they're eating. And so allof a sudden, if we become very
aware I'm not going to eat thebreadsticks. And then you say,
Why? Why am I really strugglingto stick with not eating the
(09:47):
breadsticks. It's been threeminutes. Everyone's eating one.
I'm sitting here not I'mdrinking my water. I'm starting
to have a hot flash. All of asudden, you start going, what is
really going on? Then you will,all of a sudden, be.
Able to open up. I'm worriedthey think that I'm better than
them. Fascinating, fascinating.
And only then can you say, Is itpossible that that's not true?
(10:12):
Because it is possible that'snot true. Is it possible that
that is true? Right? Maybe youhave a friend that looks and
goes, What are you doing? Whyaren't you eating the
breadsticks? And then you canask yourself, do I want my
future desires bad enough that Ican sit here and just handle the
feelings that are coming up? CanI say, oh, you know, today I
(10:34):
just don't want breadsticks. I'mtrying to be good. I'm trying to
just, you know, trying to I'mnot that hungry. I'm just not
gonna eat the breadsticks,whatever you want to say in that
moment. And can you sit thereand allow the feelings that come
up, question them, poke holes inthem, decide. Does it even
matter? Does it matter ifsomeone has a difference of
(10:54):
opinion about your choices? Doesit matter if they think that you
think you're better. Can it beokay? Can you want what you want
so badly that you can sit thereand be maybe feeling that guilt,
and it sounds horrible. I knowsome of you are listening going,
Well, that sounds horrible.
(11:15):
Yeah. I mean, it sounds horriblein the moment, but I'll tell you
what starts to happen. You startgetting better and better and
better at doing this. Yourealize that if people really
love you, they don't care whatyou're eating in the first
place. And then you start going,Wow, I'm do. I've done it again.
I went to a restaurant and Istuck to my plan. I'm kind of
amazing. Your confidence rises.
Then you start losing weight.
(11:38):
Then you start falling off thewagon and having a breadstick
and going, Oh, I had abreadstick. But you know what? I
understand what happened, andnext time I'm going to do
better. And then you get betterand better and better. All of a
sudden, you're 20 pounds down,and you're like, Oh my God, this
feels so much better than anybreadstick could ever feel,
(12:00):
realizing that for years, youwere stuck living in the moment
because you wanted something,because that thing was a habit,
because you were worried maybethat what other people thought,
because you were peoplepleasing, because you felt guilt
and you were unwilling to feelit and dive into it and figure
out why and do, ultimately, whatyou wanted to do. If you're
(12:24):
sitting here thinking thatsounds hard in the moment, it is
hard.
It is hard. I know that everyweight loss program out there
tells you it's easy. Just dothis. It's easy. It's hard. If
it was easy, then everyone wouldbe doing it, but I want to
remind you you're already doinghard. It is hard living in a
(12:48):
body that you look in the mirrorand you're not happy. It is hard
going to bed every night andlaying your head on the pillow
and going, oh my god, I did itagain. Why can't I just stick to
the plan? It's hard, feeling outof control. And so you can do
what's hard and keep trending inthe direction of not liking the
(13:09):
way you look, not liking the wayyou feel, not being proud of
yourself, feeling out ofcontrol. You can do that hard,
or you can do the hard ofsitting there in the moment and
going, Okay, girl, the donut isin front of me. I'm in the break
room. They brought donuts. It'sFriday. My favorite glazed one
is right there. It's there. AndI want it. I feel it in my
(13:30):
chest. I want it so bad. Let'sjust get curious and let's
figure out why I want it so bad.
Is it just the taste? Is itbecause it's my habit? Is it
because I know I'm getting adopamine is it because I feel
like I deserve it? What is it?
Is it because people are saying,Hey, I got you a donut. I
thought that's your favorite,and now you feel guilty that
(13:50):
you're changing the game onthese people. What is it? And
can you do that hard workknowing that then as you move in
the direction of your futuredesires. This amazing thing
happens, and I feel like this iswhere I'm at in my life. It's
almost like you have this, thisvision of the future that you
(14:12):
want, right? You're eating fromyour future self, right? From
your you want to be a certainweight, you want to feel good,
you want to be healthy, you wantto feel in control and
empowered, and then all thesudden, when you merge with that
self, you look in the mirror andyou're like, oh my god, we're
doing it. And then you actuallyfeel stronger, you sleep better,
(14:34):
you are proud of yourself. Andthen you're living in your
future self. I know this is kindof like a high concept, but it's
almost like you're connectingyour now and your future self.
It's like they begin to mergeand then you're now. What you're
doing is you're making decisionsin the moment, not because you
(14:54):
want to get to a future self,but because you're already there
and you're just so.
Porting yourself. And to me,when I think of that is when I
think of that happening, I thinkof self concept. You've heard me
talk a lot about self concept,you become the woman who this is
just what she does. She moves ina body that's different. She
(15:17):
eats in a way that's different,not perfect. Sometimes we want
an onion ring. I had some onionrings this this weekend. They
were delicious. A fat stack. Ihad like, four of them, those
fat onion rings with the beerbatter. Oh, my god, so good.
When you can merge what you wantfor yourself now and when you
want for yourself in the futureinto the same person, you can
(15:41):
have some onion rings and enjoythe shit out of them in the
moment, knowing that it's notgonna affect you at all, because
knowing that tomorrow, you'reright back to the way you eat,
it's not gonna affect you. It'syou're not it. You're not
falling off the wagon andtumbling down and landing in the
river, face down right? None ofthis has to be perfect, but you
(16:03):
can sit there and really enjoysome food, have that party in
your mouth, and get right backon track to eating the way that
you eat on purpose most of thetime. So my hope for you your
homework. This week, I'm givingyou homework. It's true, Your
homework is to in the momentwhen you find yourself eating
(16:26):
the thing that you kind of knowthat is not helping you get
towards your goals, start goingfascinating. Why am I doing
this? And acknowledge I reallywant to lose 10 pounds, but yet
I'm eating this thing. I knowthis is not helping me from a
place of pure curiosity, whatthe hell am I doing? And I'm not
(16:48):
even saying, don't stop eatingit. I'm just saying, as you eat
it, just give yourself a momentand go. What is really going on
with me? Am I trying to get outof a negative emotion? Is it
because this tastes sodelicious. That's one thing
that's interesting, is you willfind sometimes you are in such a
habit of just eating whateveryour primitive brain tells you
(17:08):
to eat in that moment, that whenit really comes down to it,
you're like, This isn't eventhat good. Like the other night
when I was eating those onionrings, I'm like, these are
delicious. There might becocaine sprinkled on top of
them. That's how delicious I'mlike, these are delicious, but
so often it's very interesting.
My clients, when they work withme, towards the end of the 12
weeks, they work with me, whenthey do mess up, I'm saying
(17:32):
saying that with quotation markswhen they do mess up, because
that's just part of the deal. Ofcourse, we all mess up. We're
not we're all ran. We're allimperfect humans. It's part of
the process. They'll say, Youknow what, Courtney, this is so
funny. They'll say, You knowwhat is so interesting,
Courtney, and I'll say, tell me,girlfriend, tell me. And they'll
say, I didn't even like the wayit tasted. I'm like, Isn't that
(17:52):
fascinating? I mean, talk aboutemotional eating, when we're
eating something and we slowdown and we go, this isn't even
that good. Why am I doing it?
Answer that question fromCuriosity, not from shame, not
because you never followthrough, not because you must
(18:15):
not want it enough. Just findout what it is, and it's going
to be, I'll give you a bunch ofthings, it's probably going to
be, it's going to be becauseit's just what you do, and you
don't know any different, thatcould be your automatic go to
but it's probably because youhave an excuse, like, I've had a
hard day. There's some kind ofnegative emotion you're trying
(18:35):
to get out of by eating thething, right? You're seeking
pleasure and you're turning tofood. But here's another one,
and I've talked about thisbefore. It's a little bit.
How do I say it's a little it'ssneaky. I don't know how to say
it right now, but it's sneaky.
Sometimes you might be like, No,dude, I'm happy. I'm happy. So
I'm not trying to get out of anegative emotion, okay? But
(18:56):
let's think about you twominutes ago not eating that
thing, then what negativeemotion comes up? So you're not
trying to get out of negativeemotion. What negative emotion
are you avoiding? And for a lotof my clients, they say sadness
or frustration or anger, becausethey feel like if they don't eat
the thing, the night's not asfun if they don't eat the thing,
(19:19):
what is the point of thegathering? If you take away the
food, the party, the dinner, thegirls night, the family
situation is not as fun. Butagain, you're already not having
fun in your body. You're alreadynot having fun when you take a
picture, you're already nothaving fun when you put your
(19:42):
jeans on, you're certainly notgoing to be having fun in a
month when you go to put thatbathing suit on. So remember,
you're always saying yes tosomething. Are you going to say
yes to in a month or two feelingbetter in your bikini? Or are
you going to say yes to thebagel this.
Awareness is everything, and itreally does affect every area of
(20:05):
our life. All of a sudden, yourkid does something, and you're
annoyed, and you can say toyourself, Why am I annoyed? What
is it? Do I have thisunrealistic expectation of them?
Do I feel like I am annoyed atmyself? Am I annoyed at them? Am
I annoyed at what they did?
Like, what is really going on?
I'm telling you, when you dothis work and you really become,
(20:28):
like, radically honest andradically aware, it really can
be life changing, because youcan start to really understand
yourself at a deeper level. Sothis is my homework for you. I
hope when you are taking a biteof that thing, or maybe if you
are getting strong enough to inthe moment when you're sitting
there and you're just thinkingabout it, you can actually say,
(20:48):
what is really going on? Why isthis so hard? Am I already doing
hard things? Ask yourself allthe questions that came up from
this podcast. Have a greattuesday if you are ready to lose
weight and keep it offpermanently and feel confident
and at peace around food, Iinvite you to head to Courtney
Gray coaching.com to learn abouthow to work with me. I work with
(21:11):
women privately, one on one, andI also offer small group
coaching. There is a link to mywebsite in the show notes you.
Music. Welcome to Modern body, modern life, the
podcast for women who want tolose weight permanently, feel in
control around food and learnhow to stop obsessing about
their body and food, a modernway of thinking about your
weight, your body and your lifeincludes mindset. I'm body and
life coach, Courtney Gray, andeach week I'm going to teach you
(00:29):
the mindset tools that arenecessary for changing the way
you eat forever. We will uncoverwhy you're eating when you said
you were going to stop, what todo when you're really craving
something, and how important itis to decide what you want to
believe is possible for you. Ibelieve we can get in the best
shape of our lives at any age, amodern body, a modern life, all
(00:53):
starts in your mind, and whenyou learn how to manage that,
losing weight permanentlybecomes so much easier.
Welcome to the podcast. Episode72
we are going to be talking aboutthe moment you decide to eat it
or to not becoming the woman whomakes a future based decision.
(01:17):
You've probably heard me. Ifyou've listened to the podcast
many times before you've heardme talking a lot about your
future self and your presentself, and how most people
walking around the planet areliving for their present self.
And what I want you to do, whatI help the women in my program
do, is really start living fortheir future self, and then this
(01:39):
beautiful thing happens when theselves kind of merge together as
you start feeling more incontrol and losing weight and
getting stronger, and actuallystart up leveling your
awareness. It's almost kind oflike it's kind of conceptual,
but it's almost kind of likeyou're living in this moment of,
oh my god. I spent so longwanting to be at a certain
(02:00):
place, and now I'm at thatplace, and it's like my future
self and present self hasmerged, and now it's just a
beautiful life. And so that'swhat I want to talk about today.
Can you become hyper aware inthe moment
to be so clear what is going onfor you when you are living for
(02:21):
your present self or futureself. So think about when you're
in that moment and you want thatthing in front of you. What do
you want more? And this is whatI want you to think about the
next time, all of a sudden, it's4pm and you're like, getting
ready to just dive into somecrackers, or dive into some
pretzels, or you go to therestaurant and you've told
(02:42):
yourself you're gonna havesomething, and then all of a
sudden you're holding the menu,and the waiter comes up, and
you're like, it's happening.
It's happening again. And youall of a sudden go from future
self, wanting to lose weight,wanting to be stronger, wanting
to feel in control, to then justgoing, oh my god, forget it, and
just giving in present self. Iwant you to increase your
awareness as you walk throughoutyour life. I want you to see it
(03:06):
much more clearly to meachieving any goal, the step
number one is really increasingyour awareness of what is going
on with you as you movethroughout your day again, most
people, so many people, are justreally doing what they have to
do in the moment because they'veagreed to do things. You know,
(03:29):
especially us women. We agree todo all these things for other
people in the moment, but thenall the other things we're doing
when it comes to for ourselvesare really for our present day
self. Think of what you'reeating. Think about how you're
moving. Think about the excusesyou're making you're not making.
Think about what you are doing.
(03:49):
Are you moving forward for whatyou want in your future, or is
every decision you're makingthroughout the day for your
present self? And the way I liketo think of that is, is when we
are eating things that we reallyknow we shouldn't be eating,
that's present self. When wedecide to skip the workout or
the walk or the treadmill or thepeloton or the push ups, that's
(04:12):
present self because we wouldjust rather not do it when we
stay up really late at night. Ihave a lot of clients that this
is a big problem. One of thethings they say is, I really
want to start going to bedearlier, because I know if I go
to bed earlier, I can wake up alittle earlier and start my day.
And when you start your day outon the right foot, meaning when
you start your day out reallybeing intentional, you know it
(04:35):
changes your whole day. So Ihave many clients that they're
like, I really have a hard timegetting myself to go to bed on
time, and that creates a cycleof really not living for your
future self. It creates a cycleof in the moment. What I want
for you is, I want for you toreally take a moment the next
time you're in front of thatfood. This is going to help you
(04:57):
create awareness in every areaof your life when you're in
front.
Of that food. If you aredeciding to say yes, I'm just
going to eat this food knowingthat it does not support my
future goals. I want you to bevery aware of that decision, and
I want you to be aware of whatyou're saying yes to, because
every decision you're saying yesto something, what are you
(05:20):
saying yes to in that moment andwhen you decide you know what,
forget it. I'm gonna just starttomorrow. I'm just gonna eat
this thing. You are saying yesto staying the same, or you're
saying yes to actually goingeven farther down the road of
where you don't want to be.
Right? Maybe gaining weight iscontinuing to not be healthy,
continuing to not have goodblood work and continuing to be
(05:40):
inflamed, continuing to not bestrong in that moment, even if
you're not ready to make achange in that moment, if you
can be eating the cookie going Iam saying yes to staying the
same. What you're saying yes tois not becoming the woman that
can feel in control, notbecoming the woman that can do
things differently. And I knowit sounds kind of shameful. I
(06:02):
don't mean it as a shamefulthing, but even the awareness of
I'm doing it again, I amdeciding to eat it. I am not
becoming the woman I wanted tobecome. That is a powerful
awareness. And then you can justask yourself, why? Why do I feel
like I can't live for my future?
(06:24):
And really ask yourself, why?
What is it and not in this iswhat we normally do. We're just
like, why? What's wrong with us?
We always do this. No, why inthat moment does it feel so
hard? Because what's happeningin that moment is your primitive
brain is running the show. Yourprimitive brain is giving you
some sort of excuse. You're alsogetting I want to just really
(06:45):
paint a picture of what'shappening. So your primitive
brain is giving you that excuse.
You are also getting dopaminefrom doing what is the most
safe, what is the mostpleasurable in the moment? It's
getting you out of any possiblenegative emotion, whether you're
already experiencing a negativeemotion, or whether you are
going to feel a negative emotionby not eating the food. And so
(07:06):
you are getting safety andpleasure and getting out of any
negative emotion by eating thatfood in the moment. You're also
getting the delicious taste.
You're also getting the habit,like the continuing to do what
you've always done, and that is,your brain loves that. Your
(07:27):
brain's like, yes, let's justkeep doing what we've done,
because we know you've you'vebeen surviving. Maybe you
haven't been thriving, butyou've been surviving, but all
of that is at the expense ofwhat you truly desire, but So
ask yourself, why? What is it inthis moment? Is it because I
just want it and I'm tellingmyself I deserve it? Is that it?
(07:50):
Is it because I feel like aweirdo, if I'm the only one that
says no to this? Is it because Ifeel like I don't want to sit
here and be sad, and if I, if Iput the food down, I'm sad what
is going on with you, and onceyou find out what is really
going on with you, that's yourhomework. That's what needs to
be solved. Most of the time, wecan just kind of categorize this
(08:13):
as emotional eating, but it's somuch more complicated than
emotional eating. Oftentimes,what happens is when we start to
actually become more aware inthe moment, we immediately go to
shame. And so that's why wedon't want to become aware,
because we don't like feelingshame. And shame might be like
an under, like a very low levelemotion you might not be aware
(08:36):
of. It's not like, you're like,I'm feeling shame. I need to
stop thinking about this. It'sall subconscious. But what
happens is, is we don't want tothink. We don't want to slow
down enough to think about whatwe're doing, because then we
tell ourselves, you're an idiot,you're doing it again. Oh my
god, you always do this. See,you just can't be the person you
want to be. So we don't want tothink at all. What I'm asking
(08:58):
you to do this is what I askedthe women on my program to do is
to really slow down and just beaware, get curious and figure
out what is really going on withyourself. Then and only then do
you have the ability to actuallysolve for that thing. So maybe
for you, it's people pleasing.
People pleasing is huge. Peoplepleasing is a survival instinct.
It is a survival instinct tomake sure everyone at the table,
(09:22):
when we are at a restaurant, tomake everyone at the table have
good thoughts about us. Ofcourse, we can't control that,
but we think we can. Andsometimes we think, in order to
make everyone have goodthoughts, we need to be eating
what they're eating. And so allof a sudden, if we become very
aware I'm not going to eat thebreadsticks. And then you say,
Why? Why am I really strugglingto stick with not eating the
(09:47):
breadsticks. It's been threeminutes. Everyone's eating one.
I'm sitting here not I'mdrinking my water. I'm starting
to have a hot flash. All of asudden, you start going, what is
really going on? Then you will,all of a sudden, be.
Able to open up. I'm worriedthey think that I'm better than
them. Fascinating, fascinating.
And only then can you say, Is itpossible that that's not true?
(10:12):
Because it is possible that'snot true. Is it possible that
that is true? Right? Maybe youhave a friend that looks and
goes, What are you doing? Whyaren't you eating the
breadsticks? And then you canask yourself, do I want my
future desires bad enough that Ican sit here and just handle the
feelings that are coming up? CanI say, oh, you know, today I
(10:34):
just don't want breadsticks. I'mtrying to be good. I'm trying to
just, you know, trying to I'mnot that hungry. I'm just not
gonna eat the breadsticks,whatever you want to say in that
moment. And can you sit thereand allow the feelings that come
up, question them, poke holes inthem, decide. Does it even
matter? Does it matter ifsomeone has a difference of
(10:54):
opinion about your choices? Doesit matter if they think that you
think you're better. Can it beokay? Can you want what you want
so badly that you can sit thereand be maybe feeling that guilt,
and it sounds horrible. I knowsome of you are listening going,
Well, that sounds horrible.
(11:15):
Yeah. I mean, it sounds horriblein the moment, but I'll tell you
what starts to happen. You startgetting better and better and
better at doing this. Yourealize that if people really
love you, they don't care whatyou're eating in the first
place. And then you start going,Wow, I'm do. I've done it again.
I went to a restaurant and Istuck to my plan. I'm kind of
amazing. Your confidence rises.
Then you start losing weight.
(11:38):
Then you start falling off thewagon and having a breadstick
and going, Oh, I had abreadstick. But you know what? I
understand what happened, andnext time I'm going to do
better. And then you get betterand better and better. All of a
sudden, you're 20 pounds down,and you're like, Oh my God, this
feels so much better than anybreadstick could ever feel,
(12:00):
realizing that for years, youwere stuck living in the moment
because you wanted something,because that thing was a habit,
because you were worried maybethat what other people thought,
because you were peoplepleasing, because you felt guilt
and you were unwilling to feelit and dive into it and figure
out why and do, ultimately, whatyou wanted to do. If you're
(12:24):
sitting here thinking thatsounds hard in the moment, it is
hard.
It is hard. I know that everyweight loss program out there
tells you it's easy. Just dothis. It's easy. It's hard. If
it was easy, then everyone wouldbe doing it, but I want to
remind you you're already doinghard. It is hard living in a
(12:48):
body that you look in the mirrorand you're not happy. It is hard
going to bed every night andlaying your head on the pillow
and going, oh my god, I did itagain. Why can't I just stick to
the plan? It's hard, feeling outof control. And so you can do
what's hard and keep trending inthe direction of not liking the
(13:09):
way you look, not liking the wayyou feel, not being proud of
yourself, feeling out ofcontrol. You can do that hard,
or you can do the hard ofsitting there in the moment and
going, Okay, girl, the donut isin front of me. I'm in the break
room. They brought donuts. It'sFriday. My favorite glazed one
is right there. It's there. AndI want it. I feel it in my
(13:30):
chest. I want it so bad. Let'sjust get curious and let's
figure out why I want it so bad.
Is it just the taste? Is itbecause it's my habit? Is it
because I know I'm getting adopamine is it because I feel
like I deserve it? What is it?
Is it because people are saying,Hey, I got you a donut. I
thought that's your favorite,and now you feel guilty that
(13:50):
you're changing the game onthese people. What is it? And
can you do that hard workknowing that then as you move in
the direction of your futuredesires. This amazing thing
happens, and I feel like this iswhere I'm at in my life. It's
almost like you have this, thisvision of the future that you
(14:12):
want, right? You're eating fromyour future self, right? From
your you want to be a certainweight, you want to feel good,
you want to be healthy, you wantto feel in control and
empowered, and then all thesudden, when you merge with that
self, you look in the mirror andyou're like, oh my god, we're
doing it. And then you actuallyfeel stronger, you sleep better,
(14:34):
you are proud of yourself. Andthen you're living in your
future self. I know this is kindof like a high concept, but it's
almost like you're connectingyour now and your future self.
It's like they begin to mergeand then you're now. What you're
doing is you're making decisionsin the moment, not because you
(14:54):
want to get to a future self,but because you're already there
and you're just so.
Porting yourself. And to me,when I think of that is when I
think of that happening, I thinkof self concept. You've heard me
talk a lot about self concept,you become the woman who this is
just what she does. She moves ina body that's different. She
(15:17):
eats in a way that's different,not perfect. Sometimes we want
an onion ring. I had some onionrings this this weekend. They
were delicious. A fat stack. Ihad like, four of them, those
fat onion rings with the beerbatter. Oh, my god, so good.
When you can merge what you wantfor yourself now and when you
want for yourself in the futureinto the same person, you can
(15:41):
have some onion rings and enjoythe shit out of them in the
moment, knowing that it's notgonna affect you at all, because
knowing that tomorrow, you'reright back to the way you eat,
it's not gonna affect you. It'syou're not it. You're not
falling off the wagon andtumbling down and landing in the
river, face down right? None ofthis has to be perfect, but you
(16:03):
can sit there and really enjoysome food, have that party in
your mouth, and get right backon track to eating the way that
you eat on purpose most of thetime. So my hope for you your
homework. This week, I'm givingyou homework. It's true, Your
homework is to in the momentwhen you find yourself eating
(16:26):
the thing that you kind of knowthat is not helping you get
towards your goals, start goingfascinating. Why am I doing
this? And acknowledge I reallywant to lose 10 pounds, but yet
I'm eating this thing. I knowthis is not helping me from a
place of pure curiosity, whatthe hell am I doing? And I'm not
(16:48):
even saying, don't stop eatingit. I'm just saying, as you eat
it, just give yourself a momentand go. What is really going on
with me? Am I trying to get outof a negative emotion? Is it
because this tastes sodelicious. That's one thing
that's interesting, is you willfind sometimes you are in such a
habit of just eating whateveryour primitive brain tells you
(17:08):
to eat in that moment, that whenit really comes down to it,
you're like, This isn't eventhat good. Like the other night
when I was eating those onionrings, I'm like, these are
delicious. There might becocaine sprinkled on top of
them. That's how delicious I'mlike, these are delicious, but
so often it's very interesting.
My clients, when they work withme, towards the end of the 12
weeks, they work with me, whenthey do mess up, I'm saying
(17:32):
saying that with quotation markswhen they do mess up, because
that's just part of the deal. Ofcourse, we all mess up. We're
not we're all ran. We're allimperfect humans. It's part of
the process. They'll say, Youknow what, Courtney, this is so
funny. They'll say, You knowwhat is so interesting,
Courtney, and I'll say, tell me,girlfriend, tell me. And they'll
say, I didn't even like the wayit tasted. I'm like, Isn't that
(17:52):
fascinating? I mean, talk aboutemotional eating, when we're
eating something and we slowdown and we go, this isn't even
that good. Why am I doing it?
Answer that question fromCuriosity, not from shame, not
because you never followthrough, not because you must
(18:15):
not want it enough. Just findout what it is, and it's going
to be, I'll give you a bunch ofthings, it's probably going to
be, it's going to be becauseit's just what you do, and you
don't know any different, thatcould be your automatic go to
but it's probably because youhave an excuse, like, I've had a
hard day. There's some kind ofnegative emotion you're trying
(18:35):
to get out of by eating thething, right? You're seeking
pleasure and you're turning tofood. But here's another one,
and I've talked about thisbefore. It's a little bit.
How do I say it's a little it'ssneaky. I don't know how to say
it right now, but it's sneaky.
Sometimes you might be like, No,dude, I'm happy. I'm happy. So
I'm not trying to get out of anegative emotion, okay? But
(18:56):
let's think about you twominutes ago not eating that
thing, then what negativeemotion comes up? So you're not
trying to get out of negativeemotion. What negative emotion
are you avoiding? And for a lotof my clients, they say sadness
or frustration or anger, becausethey feel like if they don't eat
the thing, the night's not asfun if they don't eat the thing,
(19:19):
what is the point of thegathering? If you take away the
food, the party, the dinner, thegirls night, the family
situation is not as fun. Butagain, you're already not having
fun in your body. You're alreadynot having fun when you take a
picture, you're already nothaving fun when you put your
(19:42):
jeans on, you're certainly notgoing to be having fun in a
month when you go to put thatbathing suit on. So remember,
you're always saying yes tosomething. Are you going to say
yes to in a month or two feelingbetter in your bikini? Or are
you going to say yes to thebagel this.
Awareness is everything, and itreally does affect every area of
(20:05):
our life. All of a sudden, yourkid does something, and you're
annoyed, and you can say toyourself, Why am I annoyed? What
is it? Do I have thisunrealistic expectation of them?
Do I feel like I am annoyed atmyself? Am I annoyed at them? Am
I annoyed at what they did?
Like, what is really going on?
I'm telling you, when you dothis work and you really become,
(20:28):
like, radically honest andradically aware, it really can
be life changing, because youcan start to really understand
yourself at a deeper level. Sothis is my homework for you. I
hope when you are taking a biteof that thing, or maybe if you
are getting strong enough to inthe moment when you're sitting
there and you're just thinkingabout it, you can actually say,
(20:48):
what is really going on? Why isthis so hard? Am I already doing
hard things? Ask yourself allthe questions that came up from
this podcast. Have a greattuesday if you are ready to lose
weight and keep it offpermanently and feel confident
and at peace around food, Iinvite you to head to Courtney
Gray coaching.com to learn abouthow to work with me. I work with
(21:11):
women privately, one on one, andI also offer small group
coaching. There is a link to mywebsite in the show notes you.
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