October 13, 2024 • 34 mins
Have you ever had an experience that changed the entire direction of your life? In this heartwarming episode of "More Than Coincidence," we welcome Taylor, who opens up about her remarkable faith journey, growing up in Richfield, Washington. She recounts the emotional rollercoaster of her freshman year in college at Brigham Young University where despite her best efforts as a track and field student-athlete, she struggled to perform and meet her personal goals and expectations. Devastated, Taylor started to question "Why is this happening despite all of my hard work?" and began to doubt her self-worth. This pivotal moment led her to ponder and reflect on which course the Lord wanted for her life and brought personal growth and deep spiritual fortification. With candid reflections on her setbacks and the ongoing struggles of adulthood, Taylor's journey is a powerful reminder of our spiritual identity and purpose, encouraging listeners to see the Savior's guiding hand in every twist and turn of life.
Please reach out to me if you are interested in sharing your story! I would LOVE to hear from you. :)
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Lily (00:06):
Hello everyone and welcome to, more Than Coincidence,
remembering Jesus Christ in yourStory.
As the author and finisher ofour faith, our Savior writes
personal experiences into eachof our lives which can later
strengthen, empower and bring uspeace upon reflection.
This podcast is dedicated tosharing these anchoring memories
(00:26):
from everyone's unique storiesin order to collectively
remember and testify of thereality of Jesus Christ and his
presence in our lives.
I'm your host, lily, and I'mvery excited to share these
experiences together.
Good evening everybody.
Today on the podcast, we haveTaylor.
How are you, taylor?
Taylor (00:46):
I am so good.
How are you?
Lily (00:48):
Lily Fantastic, will you introduce yourself to everybody?
Taylor (00:52):
Yes, my name is Taylor Pockner.
I've been married eight years.
I have two girls, a almostfour-year-old and a
one-and-a-half-year-old.
I'm originally from WashingtonState, came out to college at
BYU and I've never left.
Haven't left Utah since then,except to serve a mission.
(01:18):
I did yeah, I served a missionin Mexico and, yeah, now I stay
at home.
My husband is getting his PhDright now, so I am full-time mom
and loving it.
Yeah.
Lily (01:35):
I love it.
Well, taylor, I'm really happythat you said yes to come on
tonight, and I'll just ask youthe question um, what memories
do you have that you reflect on,that prick your heart in
remembrance of Jesus Christ andanchor you to him?
Taylor (01:50):
So in preparation I have listened to a lot of Lily's
other episodes because they'reall so great, oh thank you, I
feel like every episode comeskind of with a theme of people's
faith.
Every episode comes kind ofwith a theme of people's faith
and I think my theme, as I'vereflected on it, has been gone
(02:11):
through a lot of coursecorrections in my life and I
think I'm just not a greatlistener.
The first time.
Lily (02:20):
That's very relatable.
Taylor (02:24):
That's not where you're supposed to be going.
Um, so I think that's my thing,honestly, is course corrections
and waiting on the lord.
Um, and actually we're kind ofin the middle of one right now a
course correction and trying tomake these big, difficult
decisions.
And I, just as I was ponderingit, I think it was really good
for me to remember.
(02:44):
So thank you for giving me thisopportunity, because it it
really helps me have some faithin hard moment, in the hard
moment right now.
So thank you, right, oh, noproblem.
Um, so I get from the start.
My first memory, um that reallyanchors me to the Savior
(03:05):
occurred when I was 14.
I think 14.
Hard to remember at this pointin my life.
So I was 14 and I grew up inRichfield, washington, and I had
an incredible warden state.
I had an incredible wardenstate.
(03:27):
When I go home now it's allchanged, but it's still like
those good old days.
I just had such great leadersand it's easy for me to say that
because my dad was the stakepresident, so tooting my dad's
horn a little, but along himthere was just such great
leaders and a lot of effort wentinto providing the youth
specifically with opportunitiesto have moments with the savior.
(03:51):
So this isn't necessarily thismoment was.
This event wasn't necessarilylike the youth directed, but I
feel like it was part of thateffort right.
So at the time, the stakehosted this event called Life of
Christ and it was an interfaithevent leading up to Easter
every year.
Lily (04:11):
That's cool and it was huge.
Taylor (04:13):
Yeah, it was incredible.
I think back on it.
I remember it was just huge.
You walked into the gym and asyou walked through this path, it
was started at the birth of theSavior and it just followed
through all these events andthere was activities for the
kids and every night there wasdifferent members of different
(04:34):
faiths singing in the chapel andthere were firesides and it was
like this huge interfaith,mainly spearhead obviously spear
spearheaded by, because it wasat a stake center, by our church
, but right, it was just thishuge gathering of, yeah, of the
savior's life.
That's so awesome.
(04:55):
So it was amazing, like truly.
I think back on it and, havingserved in the callings I've
served in, now I'm like, wow,that was so much work and it was
incredible.
Um, so my first like experiencewith the spirit that really
anchored me occurred there.
Actually, I think I was 14 andI caught it's kind of an outlier
(05:21):
anomaly experience, because Iwasn't searching for anything at
the time.
I wouldn't say it was had bigquestions on my mind or that I
was like in this midst of thisbig turmoil.
I was a 14 year old and Ihappened to be walking through
one night and I ended up bymyself, which wasn't common I
(05:43):
feel like I often have likefriends with me or someone was
up talking to me, but I waswalking through late at night by
myself and in the gym, and atthe very end, above the stage,
there was this huge in my mind.
How I remember it, it was justa ginormous picture of the
resurrected savior, thestereotypical one, with his
(06:03):
hands outstretched, of theresurrected savior, the
stereotypical one, with hishands outstretched.
And I remember just feelingjust so overcome in that moment,
like I wish I was more eloquentwith my words, but it was
spirit, just touched me sostrong and it was a very unique
experience because I wouldn'tever say any of the rest of my
(06:25):
experiences have become sostrong or so clearly or so
easily.
Frankly, right, but in thatmoment, sorry.
No, you're good, told me withouta doubt that he lives and that
(06:48):
I, I just I don't know how otherto say it than the next few
days like all I wanted to listento was church music and, yeah,
I just felt it so strong and itreally was a transitioning point
where my faith went fromparents dependent to me like
right this is what I know and Icannot change that word you were
converted.
Lily (07:07):
You, that was literally totally version right there
totally and it.
Taylor (07:11):
It's kind of weird because I wasn't searching for
it.
I would say I had faith as a 14year old, but I was 14 like
yeah you know.
But I have often thought back tothat moment as I've had doubts
and questions and and justnavigating faith and right as an
adult, and it's just such afirm knowledge that I I could
(07:35):
never deny it, like I know, yeah, jesus, so that that was the
first experience that really Ifeel like has anchored me to the
savior and is not budging in mylife or will ever budge you
know, um, yeah, and I think, asI was reflecting on this, I
(07:58):
think that knowledge really hascarried me a lot, um, as I've
just navigated different trickysituations or had trials of
faith or just life in general ofbeing difficult and hard, and
it is just there and firm, andit is my firm foundation yeah,
(08:23):
it's incredible what the spiritcan do, how it literally you
read in the scriptures how itcan pierce to your soul and that
literally happened to you.
Lily (08:31):
And I think when you're, when you do experience that and
you reflect on it.
Yeah, just the strength thatcomes from that, I think, is so
it's powerful totally I.
Taylor (08:45):
I mean, I think it's a very unique to me experience
because I wish everything elsein my life would come so
strongly clearly.
Maybe he threw you a bone hethrew you a bone.
Lily (08:56):
He was like you know what?
We're just going to introducethis really early because it
might be a little harder lateryou know what?
Taylor (09:04):
I would way rather have that bone now at 30 than at 14,
heavenly Father.
To be honest, not the age Iwould have picked that up in it,
but it did and it was great andit's carried me yeah.
So then, kind of moving forwardin life.
I think the main bulk of myfaith started when I went off to
(09:28):
college.
Lily (09:29):
Right.
Taylor (09:31):
Um.
So to give some backgroundcause, I think it's important
when I was in high school, I hadan extremely successful
athletic career, um, throughvolleyball and uh and track Um,
I won a lot of.
I just I won a lot of awardsfrom youngs since I was a
(09:52):
freshman and it totally definedme completely as a person and
what I accomplished meant it wasjust who I was like.
Yes, I had this faith and, butthat wasn't like my fundamental
part of me at the time.
It was sports and how well Idid at them and, yeah, how well
(10:17):
I did at them and making myselfand my coaches and my teammates
and my family proud.
Lily (10:23):
Were you a high jumper on track Because you're really tall
.
Is that what you did?
Taylor (10:27):
No, I threw the javelin, actually Did you really.
Lily (10:31):
Yeah, that's legit, so you can hunt an animal.
If you needed to totally throwme back in, the bible days, I'd
be ready.
Taylor (10:41):
That's so cool, so yeah, so I actually came out of high
school ranked fourth nationallyfor the javelin.
So I that's a big deal, yeahlike I, looking back, I just had
this extremely successful highschool career that shaped me a
lot at that time and so ended upbeing able to go to BYU on a
(11:04):
full ride, full ride, track,scholarship, um.
And then I got there and I justhad all these high hopes, like
I, track had kind of beenpart-time involved, I was my
main focus, yeah, um, but Ireally wanted to go to BYU and
track was the way and so, and soI had all these high
(11:27):
expectations and hopes that nowthat I'm training all year long
for track that I I just wasgoing to explode and right, had
all these, all the PRs out thewazoo and just totally amazing
yes, and so I had going to BYUfreshman year.
(11:49):
It's always freshman year's hard.
Lily (11:50):
It's like it's like an initiation.
Taylor (11:53):
It really is just kind of it's like the first time you
have this is a terriblecomparison, but like the first
time you have a kid and you'rejust like thrown into deep water
.
Yeah, what freshman year islike?
Yeah, 100, 100, you're justthrown into the deep end as a
freshman.
So, yeah, I go through freshmanyear and I head into my season
(12:16):
and I there's really no wayother to describe it other than
it was a train wreck like Istarted, I was throwing four or
five hours a day, right, and I.
(12:38):
It seems a little silly nowbecause of who I am now, but at
the time it was so allencompassing that it just
shattered me.
Like I remember coming out ofpractice one day and sitting in
the snow between my car theydidn't want to go up to my dorm
(12:59):
room where my roommate wastalking to my parents and I was
in running shorts and I justsobbed for hours and I because
it was like everything I was,who I was as a person, had had
done all these accomplishments,everyone's expectations of me
was just crumbling down like Iwas letting everyone down,
myself down, and it just itshattered me, right, right, um,
(13:25):
and so it was like my confidenceshaken and now I can say this
and it seems a little sillybecause, like why I have my
confidences and other things, Iknow who I am as a person, as a
daughter of God.
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, back then it'syeah, yeah, it was just who I
was, and so I made it throughtrack season and it was, I mean,
(13:50):
every week, and I was on thephone with my parents sobbing
for hours, I'm like what ishappening, like why, why is this
not happening for me?
So I make it through trackseason and go home and just kind
of let my parents help pick upthe pieces.
Yeah, and I, during that time,I just felt so alone and like,
(14:15):
right, kind of it was the firsttime I questioned like Heavenly
Father, what is your plan for mehere?
Like, yeah, you got me to thisplace.
I so right, important to knowat this time.
I graduated in 2012 and so fallof 2012, um, president Monson
made the age change.
(14:35):
Yeah, and for missions and thatyou can imagine being a
freshman time, everyone wasgoing, like literally everyone
just ran out the door.
Yep, even like on our floor,especially sisters we had, oh,
yeah, I would say on my dormfloor, 80 to 90 percent were
(14:58):
going or had a call by the endof spring term, yep, spring
semester.
So it was just, it was crazy,and when the announcement was
made, I wouldn't say I had any.
You hear all these stories oflike you heard all these stories
of sisters.
I had to go in that instant andI'm like I did not feel that way
(15:20):
and I always kind of revertedback to track because at that
time I still had I'm track, likeI'm not going, I can't pause
for two years, like I've got tofocus on track.
I have this commitment right,yes, so, yeah, so that's going
on all at this time.
So I get back home toWashington after that disaster
(15:45):
of a season, kind of broken, andI start working and just kind
of putting my life back together.
They're getting ready for fallsemester to go back, right.
But this constant question kindof in my mind is are you going
to go on a mission?
Are you going to go on amission?
Everyone's asking you are yougoing to go on a mission?
Yeah, I, I just couldn't commit.
(16:08):
Like I was like I still had allthese high hopes.
Like I went back home andstarted working with my coaches
at home and he's like, wow,you're a mess.
And I'm like I know.
So like we started getting backto where I was and just right,
I had all these high hopes.
And then there was still thatquestion and finally, by the end
of the July, I just was like Igot to have an answer Am I going
(16:30):
to go or not?
So my dad gave me a blessing,right, and it was clear as day.
So I postponed going back toBYU and my scholarship and
everything and had my call byAugust, start of August, and I
(16:51):
had my availability for October,october, but ended up having to
wait till the week beforeChristmas in December, whoa so
did you do a semester?
Lily (16:58):
all right, did you, did you, I didn't.
Taylor (17:01):
I stayed at home because I wouldn't make it through
finals, right?
So?
And it was looking back, it wastotally what was supposed to
happen um.
My childhood best friend's dadended up passing away and there
was just so much that happenedin that time that it was where
it was supposed to be.
And I look back on that wholeyear and that experience and I
(17:29):
realize that was my first bigcourse correction from the Lord.
Like had I done well as a myfreshman season, how I expected
to, or had I even done okay?
Like had I thrown what I threw?
I was a very consistent throwerin high school, yeah, and had I
(17:49):
done even what I did as asenior, I would not have gone
yeah, I know that yeah totally,I know that I would not have
gone, but the Lord totally knewme at that time and who I was.
That, uh-huh, as awful andheart-wrenching and difficult as
it was, I had to be a trainwreck in order to get me to
(18:12):
Mexico.
Yeah, and I had to be a trainwreck so he could pick me up,
pick up the pieces and put meback together on my mission and
kind of for me who I was, asidefrom sports, that I was, that I
(18:32):
am a daughter of God, that thatnothing I accomplish or don't
accomplish in life will everchange the fact that I am a
daughter of God, that JesusChrist is my brother, like that
is fundamental, set in stone.
And that came for me while Iwas broken and on my mission
yeah, it's.
Lily (18:51):
It's like it's the humility, right.
It's like, unfortunately, youhad to get knocked off the high
horse in order to be receptiveto that, right Totally.
Taylor (19:00):
And I, yeah, I needed it .
Lily (19:03):
Which is kind of sad to say.
You're like yeah.
Taylor (19:07):
I.
it's a hundred percent true thatI needed it, like I don't know
if that's humility now to saythat, but yeah my identity was
so unfocused and so focused insports that I needed to be
broken to form that into who Iam as a daughter of God exactly,
(19:30):
and seeing the hindsight ofthat into who I am as a daughter
of God Right Exactly.
And seeing the hindsight of2020 where his hand was in my
life through that whole thingExactly.
I'm sure there's so many tendermercies that occurred along the
way that I don't remember, butof the big ones, that's just the
(19:51):
hindsight being 2020 of thatcourse correction to get me
where I needed to be, not onlyphysically but just spiritually,
like this.
This is where you have to be togrow yeah as a grow as a person
and grow in faith, right, um, so, moving kind of through
(20:11):
adulthood.
You know, life gets you, gethome and life gets complicated,
get married and graduate andhave kids, and it doesn't stop.
No, yeah, you're, we're in thisseason of you, do all your
covenants and you're in thisjust like enduring to the end
(20:34):
thick season, right, if it's notone thing, it's the other.
Always like right, yeah.
And so, as I've moved forward inlife, I've had so many more of
these heartbreaking coursecorrections.
Um, during my undergrad, Ididn't get into the program I
(20:56):
wanted to twice and I, yeah,hurt my tail off like I had
straight A's, I, it made nosense that I didn't get in.
And then, like my husbanddidn't get into graduate
programs that we planned to, andmultiple times, and we're just
what, right, yes.
And in his career we've triedto move so many times from this
(21:21):
home that we're in and be closerto family or get him a new job
and just things.
Doors have closed and we've hadso many course correcting
moments and it is so hard andit's exhausting, yes, and it's.
I can't tell you how many timesI have felt and even prayed.
(21:48):
I'm like heavenly father, whatthe heck do you want from me?
Like right, what hi?
We're trying our best over hereto progress, to do xyz, to move
on and like further his career,further my career, my education
, just right we want all ofthese good things.
Lily (22:09):
These are righteous desires of our hearts, Like why
is this not okay?
Taylor (22:14):
Why can't I have this?
Yeah, why is nothing panningout?
And I think all of theseexperiences have really been
part of my anchoring process.
Experiences have really beenpart of my anchoring process.
(22:36):
All of these course correctionsthat, frankly, there's too many
, just.
Lily (22:38):
I don't know if I'm just not a good listener.
Taylor (22:42):
I don't know what my father must think of me.
I don't know, but he loves me.
But, like I just, we've had alot of course corrections and,
right, I've had enough of themnow to see how they're all part
of my anchoring experience tothe savior and how they all take
(23:04):
me back to kind of those twobig moments I already shared,
like, yeah, my firm foundationthat Jesus is the Christ, and
that first big course correctionof who I am, that yeah.
I, I am a daughter of God thatnothing can change, that nothing
I do will ever change the factthat I am a daughter of God and
(23:26):
that my savior died for me.
Right, that's so fundamentaland set in stone, right um with
your course corrections?
Lily (23:34):
were they all an experience where you were just
kind of wanting to do something,trying to do something, and it
just didn't pan out?
Or was it also?
You're moving forward, you'reprogressing, like, oh, this
could be it, this could be it,this could be it, and then the
door just shuts?
Like both of them?
Taylor (23:50):
I've had both of them.
Yeah, I feel like this last onethat we're kind of in right now
.
We were progressing and thenall this door just shut and it
makes no sense.
It makes no sense.
It should not have panned outthe way it did, right, and
that's so hard to justify inyour mind.
Both experiences are hard, likewhen things don't pan out and
(24:12):
you and from my faith standpoint, it's led me to have so many
questions like, yeah, are youthere?
Are you listening?
Are like what do you want fromme?
I'm trying my best over here,I'm trying to do all these
things and, yeah, what do youwant?
(24:36):
I just want to do your will.
What do you want from me?
What do you want?
I just want to do your will.
What do you want from me?
But as I have kind of reflectedon everything, I realized how
many times in these tendermercies the Lord has stepped in
(25:04):
in a very small way, right away,like, for example, when we
didn't get into a graduateprogram and it made no sense.
We were overqualified, itshould have been an easy in.
And that very night we foundhis current phd program.
He's in like no way I wassitting in my room and just
crying like what, what are we?
What do you want from our lives?
(25:25):
What?
are we supposed to do.
And I just found this websiteand it's a new program and it
just fit him so perfectly andwhat we wanted for our family,
for our career and everything.
And so I I've had enough ofthese experience that I can see
how the Lord steps in.
(25:46):
What's that scripture?
That his arms are constantlyoutreached towards us that
outstretched, yeah, that hesteps in right away, even if
it's something small, oroftentimes it's not what I want
to hear and maybe that's why Ihave to have so many course
corrections, yeah, and I say no,this is what I'm gonna hear,
(26:10):
right?
um, but he has always stepped inand even when my faith has been
shaken by something, um,because I we felt spiritually
like we were doing what we weresupposed to be doing, he's
always stepped in somehow andgiven a tender mercy when I
(26:33):
needed it yeah, that's amazing.
Lily (26:41):
I feel like that's.
I've had lots of those coursecorrections in my life too and
they're hard and they suck andit.
It really is just kind of thewhere I guess I should say I am.
That's why I am grateful forthe ability to reflect back,
because sometimes I really feellike it is those past memories
(27:02):
that make me think, okay, I'llget through this somehow.
Right, I don't know how, andI'm honestly maybe even pretty
pissed.
This is happening right nowtotally, totally valid feeling,
right, but but like I've seenhim deliver me before and and I
just need to keep waiting.
(27:22):
And that's the hard part,especially because I feel like
sometimes, especially whenyou're more than willing, you're
like I just want to do what youwant me to do.
Why can you just notcommunicate that to me?
Taylor (27:36):
I'm more than willing and I'm like I'm sitting here, I
will go to the.
I'll sit in the temple.
24 7, just tell me somethinglike right, give me something to
hold on to, to have open, tounderstand, and I wish I could
(27:58):
say like I feel like with some,like I look back at that track
experience and I know I I cansee now where the Lord's hand
was and why he was doing what hewas doing, like I very clearly
can see that um.
But I look at some of theseexperiences like why we didn't
get into that first graduateprogram and I'm like what was
(28:20):
your point in that?
yes yeah, great path now, butthat would have, you would have
done great, and that path too,like what right?
Yeah, I've got a lot ofquestions for Heavenly Father
right, a lot of questions, rightone, I think.
Lily (28:40):
I had the thought too that I think sometimes this having
to wait on the lord makes it sothat we I don't know can almost
that we are forced to separateourselves from the temporal
things that are around us,because I feel like, at least
for speaking from personalexperience, a lot of the stress
(29:02):
and a lot of the frustrationthat comes from having to wait
is okay.
Well, it's usually waiting on ajob, so I need money.
Or it's usually waiting onschool, which you know you have
to start at a certain semesteror you have to do yes,
scholarships, or you have.
You know there are a lot ofthings that are just really time
sensitive.
And, yeah, scholarships, or youhave.
You know there are a lot ofthings that are just really time
sensitive.
And or it's even just you knowsomething that I because I have
(29:26):
a hard time placing my value intemp and more temporal things
right, like status or career,and I think when we're forced to
wait on his hand and watch himwork these miracles in our lives
, it forces us to remember thatit's just temporal, it's just
(29:48):
temporary.
You know that it's really himand his atonement that is the
eternal aspect of it and thatthat is what will, at the end of
the day, when literally allelse is failing I'm getting
declined from all of these jobsor all of these schools or all
of these, whatever.
He is the constant and it'sjust a really hard way he
(30:09):
reminds us, but it's a veryeffective way sometimes I.
Taylor (30:14):
I've learned my lesson yeah but really, and even
sometimes you're feeling like Iwant these things, not just for
the temporal aspect of it, butso I can create memories with my
kids, so that I can, right, dox, y or z with them, or my
(30:35):
family, or be close to familyeven, right, not, you know
they're help my parents out, orthings like that.
There's just some things thatyou want, but you're, you're
totally right.
Like the lord's track recordfor coming through with us is a
hundred percent.
(30:55):
Yeah, even it's, and thatnumber's not budging a key will
always come through for us, evenand I say this very hesitantly,
but even when we don't noticeit, because I think more and
(31:15):
more often, as I've been withsisters in our ward, that I see
them struggle to feel that, andI don't necessarily think it's
all on them.
I'm not going to say that.
You know he will come through,though, in that sometimes it's
(31:40):
years, sometimes it's years,sometimes it's months, sometimes
it's in the minute.
You know, but, right, his trackrecord is a hundred percent and
he will come through for usyeah, that's awesome.
Lily (31:55):
Well, if you have no further thoughts, I would love
to hear a testimony from you, ifthat that's okay For sure.
Taylor (32:01):
I think the one thing I really want to bear testimony of
more than anything is that Iknow Jesus.
That is my fundamental who I amas a person now all centers on
that, on him, on his influencein my life, on my hope of an
(32:26):
eternal family, on my gettingthrough the hard days.
It all circles back to him, um,and I, as I've navigated my
faith as an adult, I havequestions and I have aspects of
my faith.
I don't have full knowledge onthat, I just have hope in.
(32:48):
But that is the one thing thatI know and I will scream from
the rooftops that he lives andthat he loves us.
That life can be very, veryhard sometimes and disappointing
and, oh, he can be often feltlike a toddler and screaming at
(33:10):
heavenly father like what, letme have this, don't take away my
plan, my, don't take away mytoys.
But he is in control and he isthere and he is listening and he
(33:30):
is even when we don't feel him.
He is mourning with us yeah thathe feels what we feel and he
understands our sadness and Ilove them.
I hope that is known, that Ilove my savior and I love my
(33:50):
family.
Lily (33:53):
Well, thank you so much, Taylor, for taking time to share
your wonderful story with usand bearing such a strong
testimony of him.
I really appreciate you, thankyou.
Thanks again for tuning intoMore Than Coincidence,
remembering Jesus Christ in yourStory.
Please follow us on socialmedia or share us with a friend.
If you have an experience you'dlike to share, feel free to
(34:22):
reach out tomorethancoincidencerememberhim
at gmailcom.
I can't wait to hear all of theamazing memories you all have
of our Savior.
See you next time.
Hello everyone and welcome to, more Than Coincidence,
remembering Jesus Christ in yourStory.
As the author and finisher ofour faith, our Savior writes
personal experiences into eachof our lives which can later
strengthen, empower and bring uspeace upon reflection.
This podcast is dedicated tosharing these anchoring memories
(00:26):
from everyone's unique storiesin order to collectively
remember and testify of thereality of Jesus Christ and his
presence in our lives.
I'm your host, lily, and I'mvery excited to share these
experiences together.
Good evening everybody.
Today on the podcast, we haveTaylor.
How are you, taylor?
Taylor (00:46):
I am so good.
How are you?
Lily (00:48):
Lily Fantastic, will you introduce yourself to everybody?
Taylor (00:52):
Yes, my name is Taylor Pockner.
I've been married eight years.
I have two girls, a almostfour-year-old and a
one-and-a-half-year-old.
I'm originally from WashingtonState, came out to college at
BYU and I've never left.
Haven't left Utah since then,except to serve a mission.
(01:18):
I did yeah, I served a missionin Mexico and, yeah, now I stay
at home.
My husband is getting his PhDright now, so I am full-time mom
and loving it.
Yeah.
Lily (01:35):
I love it.
Well, taylor, I'm really happythat you said yes to come on
tonight, and I'll just ask youthe question um, what memories
do you have that you reflect on,that prick your heart in
remembrance of Jesus Christ andanchor you to him?
Taylor (01:50):
So in preparation I have listened to a lot of Lily's
other episodes because they'reall so great, oh thank you, I
feel like every episode comeskind of with a theme of people's
faith.
Every episode comes kind ofwith a theme of people's faith
and I think my theme, as I'vereflected on it, has been gone
(02:11):
through a lot of coursecorrections in my life and I
think I'm just not a greatlistener.
The first time.
Lily (02:20):
That's very relatable.
Taylor (02:24):
That's not where you're supposed to be going.
Um, so I think that's my thing,honestly, is course corrections
and waiting on the lord.
Um, and actually we're kind ofin the middle of one right now a
course correction and trying tomake these big, difficult
decisions.
And I, just as I was ponderingit, I think it was really good
for me to remember.
(02:44):
So thank you for giving me thisopportunity, because it it
really helps me have some faithin hard moment, in the hard
moment right now.
So thank you, right, oh, noproblem.
Um, so I get from the start.
My first memory, um that reallyanchors me to the Savior
(03:05):
occurred when I was 14.
I think 14.
Hard to remember at this pointin my life.
So I was 14 and I grew up inRichfield, washington, and I had
an incredible warden state.
I had an incredible wardenstate.
(03:27):
When I go home now it's allchanged, but it's still like
those good old days.
I just had such great leadersand it's easy for me to say that
because my dad was the stakepresident, so tooting my dad's
horn a little, but along himthere was just such great
leaders and a lot of effort wentinto providing the youth
specifically with opportunitiesto have moments with the savior.
(03:51):
So this isn't necessarily thismoment was.
This event wasn't necessarilylike the youth directed, but I
feel like it was part of thateffort right.
So at the time, the stakehosted this event called Life of
Christ and it was an interfaithevent leading up to Easter
every year.
Lily (04:11):
That's cool and it was huge.
Taylor (04:13):
Yeah, it was incredible.
I think back on it.
I remember it was just huge.
You walked into the gym and asyou walked through this path, it
was started at the birth of theSavior and it just followed
through all these events andthere was activities for the
kids and every night there wasdifferent members of different
(04:34):
faiths singing in the chapel andthere were firesides and it was
like this huge interfaith,mainly spearhead obviously spear
spearheaded by, because it wasat a stake center, by our church
, but right, it was just thishuge gathering of, yeah, of the
savior's life.
That's so awesome.
(04:55):
So it was amazing, like truly.
I think back on it and, havingserved in the callings I've
served in, now I'm like, wow,that was so much work and it was
incredible.
Um, so my first like experiencewith the spirit that really
anchored me occurred there.
Actually, I think I was 14 andI caught it's kind of an outlier
(05:21):
anomaly experience, because Iwasn't searching for anything at
the time.
I wouldn't say it was had bigquestions on my mind or that I
was like in this midst of thisbig turmoil.
I was a 14 year old and Ihappened to be walking through
one night and I ended up bymyself, which wasn't common I
(05:43):
feel like I often have likefriends with me or someone was
up talking to me, but I waswalking through late at night by
myself and in the gym, and atthe very end, above the stage,
there was this huge in my mind.
How I remember it, it was justa ginormous picture of the
resurrected savior, thestereotypical one, with his
(06:03):
hands outstretched, of theresurrected savior, the
stereotypical one, with hishands outstretched.
And I remember just feelingjust so overcome in that moment,
like I wish I was more eloquentwith my words, but it was
spirit, just touched me sostrong and it was a very unique
experience because I wouldn'tever say any of the rest of my
(06:25):
experiences have become sostrong or so clearly or so
easily.
Frankly, right, but in thatmoment, sorry.
No, you're good, told me withouta doubt that he lives and that
(06:48):
I, I just I don't know how otherto say it than the next few
days like all I wanted to listento was church music and, yeah,
I just felt it so strong and itreally was a transitioning point
where my faith went fromparents dependent to me like
right this is what I know and Icannot change that word you were
converted.
Lily (07:07):
You, that was literally totally version right there
totally and it.
Taylor (07:11):
It's kind of weird because I wasn't searching for
it.
I would say I had faith as a 14year old, but I was 14 like
yeah you know.
But I have often thought back tothat moment as I've had doubts
and questions and and justnavigating faith and right as an
adult, and it's just such afirm knowledge that I I could
(07:35):
never deny it, like I know, yeah, jesus, so that that was the
first experience that really Ifeel like has anchored me to the
savior and is not budging in mylife or will ever budge you
know, um, yeah, and I think, asI was reflecting on this, I
(07:58):
think that knowledge really hascarried me a lot, um, as I've
just navigated different trickysituations or had trials of
faith or just life in general ofbeing difficult and hard, and
it is just there and firm, andit is my firm foundation yeah,
(08:23):
it's incredible what the spiritcan do, how it literally you
read in the scriptures how itcan pierce to your soul and that
literally happened to you.
Lily (08:31):
And I think when you're, when you do experience that and
you reflect on it.
Yeah, just the strength thatcomes from that, I think, is so
it's powerful totally I.
Taylor (08:45):
I mean, I think it's a very unique to me experience
because I wish everything elsein my life would come so
strongly clearly.
Maybe he threw you a bone hethrew you a bone.
Lily (08:56):
He was like you know what?
We're just going to introducethis really early because it
might be a little harder lateryou know what?
Taylor (09:04):
I would way rather have that bone now at 30 than at 14,
heavenly Father.
To be honest, not the age Iwould have picked that up in it,
but it did and it was great andit's carried me yeah.
So then, kind of moving forwardin life.
I think the main bulk of myfaith started when I went off to
(09:28):
college.
Lily (09:29):
Right.
Taylor (09:31):
Um.
So to give some backgroundcause, I think it's important
when I was in high school, I hadan extremely successful
athletic career, um, throughvolleyball and uh and track Um,
I won a lot of.
I just I won a lot of awardsfrom youngs since I was a
(09:52):
freshman and it totally definedme completely as a person and
what I accomplished meant it wasjust who I was like.
Yes, I had this faith and, butthat wasn't like my fundamental
part of me at the time.
It was sports and how well Idid at them and, yeah, how well
(10:17):
I did at them and making myselfand my coaches and my teammates
and my family proud.
Lily (10:23):
Were you a high jumper on track Because you're really tall
.
Is that what you did?
Taylor (10:27):
No, I threw the javelin, actually Did you really.
Lily (10:31):
Yeah, that's legit, so you can hunt an animal.
If you needed to totally throwme back in, the bible days, I'd
be ready.
Taylor (10:41):
That's so cool, so yeah, so I actually came out of high
school ranked fourth nationallyfor the javelin.
So I that's a big deal, yeahlike I, looking back, I just had
this extremely successful highschool career that shaped me a
lot at that time and so ended upbeing able to go to BYU on a
(11:04):
full ride, full ride, track,scholarship, um.
And then I got there and I justhad all these high hopes, like
I, track had kind of beenpart-time involved, I was my
main focus, yeah, um, but Ireally wanted to go to BYU and
track was the way and so, and soI had all these high
(11:27):
expectations and hopes that nowthat I'm training all year long
for track that I I just wasgoing to explode and right, had
all these, all the PRs out thewazoo and just totally amazing
yes, and so I had going to BYUfreshman year.
(11:49):
It's always freshman year's hard.
Lily (11:50):
It's like it's like an initiation.
Taylor (11:53):
It really is just kind of it's like the first time you
have this is a terriblecomparison, but like the first
time you have a kid and you'rejust like thrown into deep water
.
Yeah, what freshman year islike?
Yeah, 100, 100, you're justthrown into the deep end as a
freshman.
So, yeah, I go through freshmanyear and I head into my season
(12:16):
and I there's really no wayother to describe it other than
it was a train wreck like Istarted, I was throwing four or
five hours a day, right, and I.
(12:38):
It seems a little silly nowbecause of who I am now, but at
the time it was so allencompassing that it just
shattered me.
Like I remember coming out ofpractice one day and sitting in
the snow between my car theydidn't want to go up to my dorm
(12:59):
room where my roommate wastalking to my parents and I was
in running shorts and I justsobbed for hours and I because
it was like everything I was,who I was as a person, had had
done all these accomplishments,everyone's expectations of me
was just crumbling down like Iwas letting everyone down,
myself down, and it just itshattered me, right, right, um,
(13:25):
and so it was like my confidenceshaken and now I can say this
and it seems a little sillybecause, like why I have my
confidences and other things, Iknow who I am as a person, as a
daughter of God.
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, back then it'syeah, yeah, it was just who I
was, and so I made it throughtrack season and it was, I mean,
(13:50):
every week, and I was on thephone with my parents sobbing
for hours, I'm like what ishappening, like why, why is this
not happening for me?
So I make it through trackseason and go home and just kind
of let my parents help pick upthe pieces.
Yeah, and I, during that time,I just felt so alone and like,
(14:15):
right, kind of it was the firsttime I questioned like Heavenly
Father, what is your plan for mehere?
Like, yeah, you got me to thisplace.
I so right, important to knowat this time.
I graduated in 2012 and so fallof 2012, um, president Monson
made the age change.
(14:35):
Yeah, and for missions and thatyou can imagine being a
freshman time, everyone wasgoing, like literally everyone
just ran out the door.
Yep, even like on our floor,especially sisters we had, oh,
yeah, I would say on my dormfloor, 80 to 90 percent were
(14:58):
going or had a call by the endof spring term, yep, spring
semester.
So it was just, it was crazy,and when the announcement was
made, I wouldn't say I had any.
You hear all these stories oflike you heard all these stories
of sisters.
I had to go in that instant andI'm like I did not feel that way
(15:20):
and I always kind of revertedback to track because at that
time I still had I'm track, likeI'm not going, I can't pause
for two years, like I've got tofocus on track.
I have this commitment right,yes, so, yeah, so that's going
on all at this time.
So I get back home toWashington after that disaster
(15:45):
of a season, kind of broken, andI start working and just kind
of putting my life back together.
They're getting ready for fallsemester to go back, right.
But this constant question kindof in my mind is are you going
to go on a mission?
Are you going to go on amission?
Everyone's asking you are yougoing to go on a mission?
Yeah, I, I just couldn't commit.
(16:08):
Like I was like I still had allthese high hopes.
Like I went back home andstarted working with my coaches
at home and he's like, wow,you're a mess.
And I'm like I know.
So like we started getting backto where I was and just right,
I had all these high hopes.
And then there was still thatquestion and finally, by the end
of the July, I just was like Igot to have an answer Am I going
(16:30):
to go or not?
So my dad gave me a blessing,right, and it was clear as day.
So I postponed going back toBYU and my scholarship and
everything and had my call byAugust, start of August, and I
(16:51):
had my availability for October,october, but ended up having to
wait till the week beforeChristmas in December, whoa so
did you do a semester?
Lily (16:58):
all right, did you, did you, I didn't.
Taylor (17:01):
I stayed at home because I wouldn't make it through
finals, right?
So?
And it was looking back, it wastotally what was supposed to
happen um.
My childhood best friend's dadended up passing away and there
was just so much that happenedin that time that it was where
it was supposed to be.
And I look back on that wholeyear and that experience and I
(17:29):
realize that was my first bigcourse correction from the Lord.
Like had I done well as a myfreshman season, how I expected
to, or had I even done okay?
Like had I thrown what I threw?
I was a very consistent throwerin high school, yeah, and had I
(17:49):
done even what I did as asenior, I would not have gone
yeah, I know that yeah totally,I know that I would not have
gone, but the Lord totally knewme at that time and who I was.
That, uh-huh, as awful andheart-wrenching and difficult as
it was, I had to be a trainwreck in order to get me to
(18:12):
Mexico.
Yeah, and I had to be a trainwreck so he could pick me up,
pick up the pieces and put meback together on my mission and
kind of for me who I was, asidefrom sports, that I was, that I
(18:32):
am a daughter of God, that thatnothing I accomplish or don't
accomplish in life will everchange the fact that I am a
daughter of God, that JesusChrist is my brother, like that
is fundamental, set in stone.
And that came for me while Iwas broken and on my mission
yeah, it's.
Lily (18:51):
It's like it's the humility, right.
It's like, unfortunately, youhad to get knocked off the high
horse in order to be receptiveto that, right Totally.
Taylor (19:00):
And I, yeah, I needed it .
Lily (19:03):
Which is kind of sad to say.
You're like yeah.
Taylor (19:07):
I.
it's a hundred percent true thatI needed it, like I don't know
if that's humility now to saythat, but yeah my identity was
so unfocused and so focused insports that I needed to be
broken to form that into who Iam as a daughter of God exactly,
(19:30):
and seeing the hindsight ofthat into who I am as a daughter
of God Right Exactly.
And seeing the hindsight of2020 where his hand was in my
life through that whole thingExactly.
I'm sure there's so many tendermercies that occurred along the
way that I don't remember, butof the big ones, that's just the
(19:51):
hindsight being 2020 of thatcourse correction to get me
where I needed to be, not onlyphysically but just spiritually,
like this.
This is where you have to be togrow yeah as a grow as a person
and grow in faith, right, um, so, moving kind of through
(20:11):
adulthood.
You know, life gets you, gethome and life gets complicated,
get married and graduate andhave kids, and it doesn't stop.
No, yeah, you're, we're in thisseason of you, do all your
covenants and you're in thisjust like enduring to the end
(20:34):
thick season, right, if it's notone thing, it's the other.
Always like right, yeah.
And so, as I've moved forward inlife, I've had so many more of
these heartbreaking coursecorrections.
Um, during my undergrad, Ididn't get into the program I
(20:56):
wanted to twice and I, yeah,hurt my tail off like I had
straight A's, I, it made nosense that I didn't get in.
And then, like my husbanddidn't get into graduate
programs that we planned to, andmultiple times, and we're just
what, right, yes.
And in his career we've triedto move so many times from this
(21:21):
home that we're in and be closerto family or get him a new job
and just things.
Doors have closed and we've hadso many course correcting
moments and it is so hard andit's exhausting, yes, and it's.
I can't tell you how many timesI have felt and even prayed.
(21:48):
I'm like heavenly father, whatthe heck do you want from me?
Like right, what hi?
We're trying our best over hereto progress, to do xyz, to move
on and like further his career,further my career, my education
, just right we want all ofthese good things.
Lily (22:09):
These are righteous desires of our hearts, Like why
is this not okay?
Taylor (22:14):
Why can't I have this?
Yeah, why is nothing panningout?
And I think all of theseexperiences have really been
part of my anchoring process.
Experiences have really beenpart of my anchoring process.
(22:36):
All of these course correctionsthat, frankly, there's too many
, just.
Lily (22:38):
I don't know if I'm just not a good listener.
Taylor (22:42):
I don't know what my father must think of me.
I don't know, but he loves me.
But, like I just, we've had alot of course corrections and,
right, I've had enough of themnow to see how they're all part
of my anchoring experience tothe savior and how they all take
(23:04):
me back to kind of those twobig moments I already shared,
like, yeah, my firm foundationthat Jesus is the Christ, and
that first big course correctionof who I am, that yeah.
I, I am a daughter of God thatnothing can change, that nothing
I do will ever change the factthat I am a daughter of God and
(23:26):
that my savior died for me.
Right, that's so fundamentaland set in stone, right um with
your course corrections?
Lily (23:34):
were they all an experience where you were just
kind of wanting to do something,trying to do something, and it
just didn't pan out?
Or was it also?
You're moving forward, you'reprogressing, like, oh, this
could be it, this could be it,this could be it, and then the
door just shuts?
Like both of them?
Taylor (23:50):
I've had both of them.
Yeah, I feel like this last onethat we're kind of in right now
.
We were progressing and thenall this door just shut and it
makes no sense.
It makes no sense.
It should not have panned outthe way it did, right, and
that's so hard to justify inyour mind.
Both experiences are hard, likewhen things don't pan out and
(24:12):
you and from my faith standpoint, it's led me to have so many
questions like, yeah, are youthere?
Are you listening?
Are like what do you want fromme?
I'm trying my best over here,I'm trying to do all these
things and, yeah, what do youwant?
(24:36):
I just want to do your will.
What do you want from me?
What do you want?
I just want to do your will.
What do you want from me?
But as I have kind of reflectedon everything, I realized how
many times in these tendermercies the Lord has stepped in
(25:04):
in a very small way, right away,like, for example, when we
didn't get into a graduateprogram and it made no sense.
We were overqualified, itshould have been an easy in.
And that very night we foundhis current phd program.
He's in like no way I wassitting in my room and just
crying like what, what are we?
What do you want from our lives?
(25:25):
What?
are we supposed to do.
And I just found this websiteand it's a new program and it
just fit him so perfectly andwhat we wanted for our family,
for our career and everything.
And so I I've had enough ofthese experience that I can see
how the Lord steps in.
(25:46):
What's that scripture?
That his arms are constantlyoutreached towards us that
outstretched, yeah, that hesteps in right away, even if
it's something small, oroftentimes it's not what I want
to hear and maybe that's why Ihave to have so many course
corrections, yeah, and I say no,this is what I'm gonna hear,
(26:10):
right?
um, but he has always stepped inand even when my faith has been
shaken by something, um,because I we felt spiritually
like we were doing what we weresupposed to be doing, he's
always stepped in somehow andgiven a tender mercy when I
(26:33):
needed it yeah, that's amazing.
Lily (26:41):
I feel like that's.
I've had lots of those coursecorrections in my life too and
they're hard and they suck andit.
It really is just kind of thewhere I guess I should say I am.
That's why I am grateful forthe ability to reflect back,
because sometimes I really feellike it is those past memories
(27:02):
that make me think, okay, I'llget through this somehow.
Right, I don't know how, andI'm honestly maybe even pretty
pissed.
This is happening right nowtotally, totally valid feeling,
right, but but like I've seenhim deliver me before and and I
just need to keep waiting.
(27:22):
And that's the hard part,especially because I feel like
sometimes, especially whenyou're more than willing, you're
like I just want to do what youwant me to do.
Why can you just notcommunicate that to me?
Taylor (27:36):
I'm more than willing and I'm like I'm sitting here, I
will go to the.
I'll sit in the temple.
24 7, just tell me somethinglike right, give me something to
hold on to, to have open, tounderstand, and I wish I could
(27:58):
say like I feel like with some,like I look back at that track
experience and I know I I cansee now where the Lord's hand
was and why he was doing what hewas doing, like I very clearly
can see that um.
But I look at some of theseexperiences like why we didn't
get into that first graduateprogram and I'm like what was
(28:20):
your point in that?
yes yeah, great path now, butthat would have, you would have
done great, and that path too,like what right?
Yeah, I've got a lot ofquestions for Heavenly Father
right, a lot of questions, rightone, I think.
Lily (28:40):
I had the thought too that I think sometimes this having
to wait on the lord makes it sothat we I don't know can almost
that we are forced to separateourselves from the temporal
things that are around us,because I feel like, at least
for speaking from personalexperience, a lot of the stress
(29:02):
and a lot of the frustrationthat comes from having to wait
is okay.
Well, it's usually waiting on ajob, so I need money.
Or it's usually waiting onschool, which you know you have
to start at a certain semesteror you have to do yes,
scholarships, or you have.
You know there are a lot ofthings that are just really time
sensitive.
And, yeah, scholarships, or youhave.
You know there are a lot ofthings that are just really time
sensitive.
And or it's even just you knowsomething that I because I have
(29:26):
a hard time placing my value intemp and more temporal things
right, like status or career,and I think when we're forced to
wait on his hand and watch himwork these miracles in our lives
, it forces us to remember thatit's just temporal, it's just
(29:48):
temporary.
You know that it's really himand his atonement that is the
eternal aspect of it and thatthat is what will, at the end of
the day, when literally allelse is failing I'm getting
declined from all of these jobsor all of these schools or all
of these, whatever.
He is the constant and it'sjust a really hard way he
(30:09):
reminds us, but it's a veryeffective way sometimes I.
Taylor (30:14):
I've learned my lesson yeah but really, and even
sometimes you're feeling like Iwant these things, not just for
the temporal aspect of it, butso I can create memories with my
kids, so that I can, right, dox, y or z with them, or my
(30:35):
family, or be close to familyeven, right, not, you know
they're help my parents out, orthings like that.
There's just some things thatyou want, but you're, you're
totally right.
Like the lord's track recordfor coming through with us is a
hundred percent.
(30:55):
Yeah, even it's, and thatnumber's not budging a key will
always come through for us, evenand I say this very hesitantly,
but even when we don't noticeit, because I think more and
(31:15):
more often, as I've been withsisters in our ward, that I see
them struggle to feel that, andI don't necessarily think it's
all on them.
I'm not going to say that.
You know he will come through,though, in that sometimes it's
(31:40):
years, sometimes it's years,sometimes it's months, sometimes
it's in the minute.
You know, but, right, his trackrecord is a hundred percent and
he will come through for usyeah, that's awesome.
Lily (31:55):
Well, if you have no further thoughts, I would love
to hear a testimony from you, ifthat that's okay For sure.
Taylor (32:01):
I think the one thing I really want to bear testimony of
more than anything is that Iknow Jesus.
That is my fundamental who I amas a person now all centers on
that, on him, on his influencein my life, on my hope of an
(32:26):
eternal family, on my gettingthrough the hard days.
It all circles back to him, um,and I, as I've navigated my
faith as an adult, I havequestions and I have aspects of
my faith.
I don't have full knowledge onthat, I just have hope in.
(32:48):
But that is the one thing thatI know and I will scream from
the rooftops that he lives andthat he loves us.
That life can be very, veryhard sometimes and disappointing
and, oh, he can be often feltlike a toddler and screaming at
(33:10):
heavenly father like what, letme have this, don't take away my
plan, my, don't take away mytoys.
But he is in control and he isthere and he is listening and he
(33:30):
is even when we don't feel him.
He is mourning with us yeah thathe feels what we feel and he
understands our sadness and Ilove them.
I hope that is known, that Ilove my savior and I love my
(33:50):
family.
Lily (33:53):
Well, thank you so much, Taylor, for taking time to share
your wonderful story with usand bearing such a strong
testimony of him.
I really appreciate you, thankyou.
Thanks again for tuning intoMore Than Coincidence,
remembering Jesus Christ in yourStory.
Please follow us on socialmedia or share us with a friend.
If you have an experience you'dlike to share, feel free to
(34:22):
reach out tomorethancoincidencerememberhim
at gmailcom.
I can't wait to hear all of theamazing memories you all have
of our Savior.
See you next time.
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