I Already Chose to Have Faith, I Don’t Need to Choose Again with Maciah

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hello everyone and welcome to, more Than
Coincidence, remembering JesusChrist in your Story.
As the author and finisher ofour faith, our Savior writes
personal experiences into eachof our lives which can later
strengthen, empower and bring uspeace upon reflection.
This podcast is dedicated tosharing these anchoring memories

(00:26):
from everyone's unique storiesin order to collectively
remember and testify of thereality of Jesus Christ and his
presence in our lives.
I'm your host, lily, and I'mvery excited to share these
experiences together.

Speaker 2 (00:40):
Good evening everybody.
Tonight on the podcast we haveMicaiah.
How are you?
I'm good.
How are you.
I'm good.
I'm so happy that you're here.
Would you mind introducingyourself?

Speaker 3 (00:51):
Yeah, so I'm Micaiah Jenkins, I am 28.
I know Lily through her mom.
She's kind of adopted my kids.
They call her grandma lady,which is adorable yes, it is.
Our kids love each other.

(01:12):
They're like friend cousins, sothat's super fun.
I used to be a high schoolteacher.
I have my degree in agricultureeducation, so I used to teach
high school and I was also anFFA advisor.
I have chosen to stay home forthe last couple of years just

(01:35):
because I have young kids andI've had different health issues
that make working hardsometimes.
I love athletics.
I don't watch a lot of sports,but I love playing sports and
like watching live sports.
I don't watch it on tv veryoften.
I love going to games.
I love being with people,interacting with them.

(02:00):
I love dancing, which is kindof funny because my husband
hates dancing.
It's like the one thing wedon't really jive on.
But um, it works out though wego to concerts together and then
he'll dance, so it's great.
Yeah, love music.
I love reading.
I read a lot.

(02:21):
Yeah, that's just a little bitso cool you awesome.

Speaker 2 (02:24):
I'm so happy that we're friends.
Well, I will just then ask youthe question, Micaiah what
memories do you have in yourlife that you reflect on, that
prick your heart in remembranceof our Savior Jesus Christ and
anchor you to him?

Speaker 3 (02:40):
Well, I feel like I have, I don't know, maybe not a
unique childhood, but definitelya peculiar one.
I guess it's one of thosethings where I feel like, even
though trials suck and they'rereally hard, in my case it made
me rely on the Savior from areally, really young age.

(03:03):
So, as you know, as we've kindof talked about, when I was just
about to turn three, my dad wasin the Army Intelligence and he
was actually killed in actionin Columbia and I mean it was
awful.
To the day we still don't knowwhat happened, just because it's

(03:24):
confidential, which brings itsown kind of grief.
Yeah, but because of thatexperience, I mean I had to
learn about the atonement when Iwas a toddler.
I had to learn about theresurrection and I had to
believe in it and have hope,because the grief was just so

(03:45):
overwhelming for me and mylittle body and my little brain,
you know and then it andeverybody around me, you know,
and I was completely a daddy'sgirl.
I adored him.
He was my, my buddy, and Iobviously spent a lot of time
with my mom when he was deployedand things, but it was just

(04:08):
really hard.
I don't I have a few memoriesof him, but more of my young
memories are what it was like tomiss him and in a way, I feel
like that's kind of beeninextricably tied with my
relationship with HeavenlyFather and Jesus Christ.
Because it's like here arethese men in my life that I love

(04:33):
, that I know love me that Ican't see anymore, right, and I
don't know that they're there.
You know, I don't know, but Ihave to choose to believe and
have faith in that.
And, as hard and awful andunfair as it was, I feel like

(04:54):
because I chose to have thatfaith and that belief from a
young age, it's helped carry methrough my other hard times,
like even when I had doubts andthings about the gospel or the
church that are hard for me.
Sometimes I don't, I don't know, I haven't questioned that he's

(05:21):
there or when I have, it's justlike, no, I know this, I or not
even that I know, but like Imade this choice right so long
ago.
You know, yeah, like I'm gonnakeep choosing to believe and to
have hope and yeah, so that kindof sets the stage, I guess.
But I don't know, it's so funnytalking about my life sometimes

(05:48):
.
I don't know if you get thisway, but especially with
motherhood, I'm like why am I sotired?
Why?
Why, like I'm just complaining,this isn't actually that hard,
and then I go to, like, talkabout my life.
I'm like, oh wait it actuallysounds really hard yeah, yeah,
okay, if any of my friends weretalking about this, I'd be like

(06:10):
I don't need to help you, Idon't know.
I guess one of the next storiesthat I thought of.
Well, I wanted to talk abouthow my relationship has sort of
changed with Heavenly Father andJesus Christ, especially lately
.
I feel like, growing up,especially my view of who they

(06:38):
are and how they feel about me,how they love me, was very
distorted.
I always felt like they weremore punitive than I.
I believe that they are nowright.
I felt like you know,repentance was this huge thing
and like you have to feel badabout yourself to repent and you

(06:58):
have to.
You know, like it's this big,like they're just disappointed
in me all the time.

Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yeah, yeah, kind of how myself you can never
actually make up for what youdid right and all that kind of
stuff too right.

Speaker 3 (07:11):
Yeah, I can't make up for what you did, so you have
to rely on Christ's grace.
But I don't know.
There's just so much shamemixed in my relationship with
them, which I now know is isSatan, and I think a lot of the
cultural parts about how thegospel was practiced where I
lived contributed to that too.

(07:34):
But recently I had this thoughtin church the other day, and it
was actually after a commentthat your mom shared.
But I just had this thoughtthat, like repentance at the end
of the day because that'susually when I remember to say
my prayers is not supposed to bea like, okay, sit down at the

(07:56):
table, tell me everything youdid wrong and apologize.
You know, it's more of a like.
I envision now just turning toHeavenly Father and and hugging
him and letting him hold me, andsometimes I'm crying and like,
and then I get this and then Idid this.
You know, right, it's mostlyugly, tears and yep, I'm also

(08:20):
apologizing too.
But sometimes it's just I, justyou.
I visualize him giving me a hugand a lot of times I just say
like today sucked and it wasreally hard and I tried really
hard and please just help me tryagain tomorrow.
Yeah, and that's repentance.
And that's it and I vividlyremember the first night I did

(08:43):
that I had this impression oflike that's all I want,
seriously, this is it.
What about all the years right?

Speaker 2 (08:53):
it was a lie, yeah anyway.

Speaker 3 (08:56):
So that's been kind of I was gonna say fun, I don't
know.

Speaker 2 (09:02):
You feel like it's been really freeing though?

Speaker 3 (09:05):
Yes, Freeing and authentic.
Yeah, and I feel like there'smore actual vulnerability,
instead of you know me listingout all the things that I'm
ashamed of, but still liketrying to guard my heart a
little bit Correct, because mycoach is going to be so mad at

(09:26):
me and like I have to tell himeverything because he already
knows and I want to do betterand I need to rely on him, but
I'm still so scared that he'sgonna, right, judge me because
he has every right to.
Yeah, right versus now.
It's just like I know, you knowI don't want to talk about it,
I just I'm sorry.
I'm gonna try again tomorrow,you know right, yeah, yeah, it's

(09:50):
like, that's it, that's all Ineed.
It's like, oh, okay, good talk.
Yeah, I'm going to bed nowgreat.

Speaker 2 (09:55):
Well, I, I love how you bring that up, because in
the past conference talks Ithink it was this session, this
past conference and in april alot of the brethren, especially
president nelson, specificallysaid making daily repentance a
thing and I thought about that.
I was like, oh my gosh, dailyrepentance, like how do you do
that?
Because when you, when you dothink about it in the way of the
exhaustive laundry list of allthe horrible things that I did,

(10:17):
that shame filled, like sittingthere and having to repeat that
day in and day out, dailyrepentance sounded so just awful
and just burdensome and justsomething I definitely wouldn't
want to do.
But I love how, the way thatyou've, the way that you see it,
it definitely makes it seemmore doable, it makes it seem

(10:38):
like normal and like it's notgoing to be this agonizing
process every single time, buttruly just like a, and like it's
not going to be this agonizingprocess every single time, but
truly just like a hey man, I'msorry, I really want to try
again.
And if, if your heart has theintent that you really are going
to try again and he knows that,then that's like you said, it's
literally all he asks, which isinsane and amazing, and I can't
even wrap my mind around it,cause I feel like here I am

(11:00):
whipping myself up.

Speaker 3 (11:11):
I'm such a horrible person with all these things, or
even with my kids, I'm like howcould you mess up again?
I know you're only four, butcome on seriously.
It's like he's not like that,right, he's not.
And I want to know his secrets,because it is hard.
I mean, I even find myselfsaying to my kids sometimes I'm
like I've told you this ahundred times and I kid you not.
Sometimes like I have a verysassy relationship with the
spirit.
I don't know if it's a problem.

(11:32):
But like in that moment, I waslike I've told you this a
hundred times and I hear thespirit be like and how many
times has Heavenly Father had totell you?
And it's just like I'm notasking you right now.

Speaker 2 (11:48):
I need the spirit of comfort in this moment, not not
condemnation.

Speaker 3 (11:52):
I joke, but I don't know that.
That is definitely more of kindof the relationship I have had
with the spirit in the past.
I agree.
Oh, I was going to say I hadanother cool moment, so I don't

(12:12):
know about you, but sometimeschurch feels like the absolute
worst thing for moms and it'slike I don't know.
I used to get so much out ofchurch, even as a youth, like I
look forward to church, becauseI felt like I needed the reset
and the answers and I justneeded the spirit in that way,

(12:33):
and since becoming a mom it justreally happens, like if we get
through sacrament without Carsonor I having to take a kid out
because they're losing it, likethat is a win, and if we will
actually stay in nursery, thenthat is an even bigger win.
But it rarely happens.
And so this Sunday was one ofthe few where both kids went to

(12:59):
their classes and we had minorinterruptions and so I was
actually able to like feel thespirit at church.
Yeah, that's amazing.
But I follow the inklingsinstitute I don't know if you've
heard of that.
It's yeah and does yeah, it'samazing.
I'll probably talk about thatagain later, but she this week's

(13:23):
talk, or last, I guess, was, uh, president Nelson's talk, and
he also told us to read inDoctrine and Covenants 88 and I
mean I'm always praying like howdo I teach my kids?
How do I, what do I teach them?
Because there's so manydifferent ways of parenting,

(13:45):
which is good, because then youcan kind of see what fits you,
but it's also overwhelming andit's also, even when you know
what you want to do, actuallydoing the thing is impossible.
Yep, yes, and anyway.
So it was on my mind and I wasreading over those scriptures in

(14:06):
Doctrine and Covenants 88.
And I'll read the part of theverse that stuck out to me.
It's verse 78.
It says teach you diligentlyand my grace shall attend you
that you may be instructed moreperfectly in theory and
principle and doctrine and thelaw of the gospel.
And it was one of those momentswhere I was just like, hey, it's

(14:28):
an answer, this is an answer,and it's literally just teach
and then I'll help you along theway.
Yeah, be with you.
And and again, it's one ofthose like I love how president
nelson focuses on the simpletruths and really I feel like
he's really gotten rid of someof the more cultural,

(14:51):
complicated things that feellike we have to add on to it.
You know, right, and and inthis verse.
It's just like just do it andthen I'll help you along the way
.
Yeah, okay, you mean I don'thave to have it all figured out
before I can try anything, oryeah, it was just that, and and

(15:14):
yeah, kind of this recent shiftin how I look at repentance has
been the more recent on my mindchanges recent on my mind
changes, and I'm hoping thatthis shift will help me have a
healthier relationship with withHeavenly Father and with Jesus

(15:34):
Christ, and and myself too, Ifeel like I forget about God's
grace a lot, and I I don't thinkthat that's uncommon in our
church, just because you knowit's that phrase like his grace
is sufficient after all we cando.

Speaker 2 (15:53):
I feel like yeah, we're going to do everything
first, right?

Speaker 3 (15:58):
It's like after Well, I haven't done everything I can
do, yep, it's like whathappened, you know, yep, and
it's just like I feel likeHeavenly Father, just like, okay
, they missed it y'all missedthe mark again right, like okay,
so let's try again anyway.

(16:18):
So the next story I wanted toshare was actually about when I
met my husband.
I was going to school up atUtah State, which I loved.
I wish I could go back just fora day and be a college student
again, because it was so simple,the best.
Oh, it didn't feel like it atthe time looking back.

(16:43):
I'm like, oh, I love it.
Um, but I was actually engagedto a different guy and it wasn't
the best relationship.
There were a lot of not sogreat things and I felt like I

(17:04):
should get out of therelationship.
But whenever I prayed about it,my answer was always like just
hold on, just hold on.
And so I didn't know if it waslike just hold on and things
will kind of work out, or justhold on.

Speaker 2 (17:19):
Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 3 (17:21):
Yeah, my anxiety was intense, to say the least.
It's like just hold on, excuseme, I need more.

Speaker 2 (17:29):
I'm kind of getting married, so uh yeah, well, thank
you.

Speaker 3 (17:34):
I need more details, thanks.
But when it was kind of gettingto the point where it's just
like, okay, I know, like thingsare going to end, I don't know
who exactly is gonna do it, butthis, this is not good, I
remembered a story from my youngwomen's days.
I think I was a.
My maid and my leader told thestory of this little girl who

(18:01):
her dad gifted her like adress-up set, and in the
dress-up set was this necklaceof pearls.
Have you heard this story?
I haven't.
Oh, it's one of my favorite.
So this little girl just lovesher necklace, right?
she wears her pearls everywhere,as toddlers do and you know it
was like a have to yank it offher when it's bath time type of

(18:22):
thing, like right all the timegoes to sleep with it.
Anyway, her dad one night askedher hey, honey, do you love me?
And she says, yes, daddy, Ilove you.
And he says, okay, honey, can Ihave your pearls?
And she's just like, no, don'ttake my pearls, I love my pearls

(18:44):
, don't take them.
And I'm like, okay, I'm notgoing to take them.
Good night and anyway.
So this repeats for a few daysand so finally one night he says
, honey, you know that I loveyou, do you love me?
And he says, yes, daddy, I loveyou.
And he says, honey, can I haveyour pearls?

(19:07):
and with her little eyes fill upwith tears, yeah, and she says
okay daddy you can have mypearls, and she hands it to him
and immediately he pulls out ofhis pocket a strand of real
pearls and hands it to hislittle girl and says, okay, I
got these for you instead.

(19:29):
Thank you for handing me yourfake pearls.
Yeah, this is a necklace ofreal pearls, right, and I anyway
.
So this story popped up into myhead one day when I was at the
Logan Temple because I washeartbroken and needed the

(19:49):
spirit and that's that storyjust kept going through my mind,
going through my mind and Iwalked out and I sat by the
fountain and I just had thisthought of like Heavenly Father,
I love you and I'll give you mypearls, you know I'll do it.

(20:13):
And I mean, within the weekthat relationship ended and it
was ugly, it was not good andand and I was obviously
heartbroken and just felt likemy world was ending and all

(20:33):
those feelings, right, right,for better or worse, and I
decided to stay the rest of thesummer in Logan.
School was going to start inlike a month and a half, so I
didn't see the point.

Speaker 2 (20:48):
Yeah, there's no reason to lean down and I'm
coming back right.

Speaker 3 (20:51):
but during that time I met these really good friends
they it was a house full of boysup the street that my roommate
had a crush on one of them.
So of course we all gotintroduced and and I love, I
love them even to the day there,but I think of them as some of

(21:11):
my best friends I've ever had,and they're all so funny.
I think all of them had gone onmissions and were members and
so we'd go to all the YSA thingstogether.
We weren't in the same board,but anytime we'd have like steak
stuff or if there was aninstitute, anything they were,
they were my guys and and theywere also great because they

(21:35):
knew how heartbroken I was andso if any other guys were like
trying to ask me out on dates orwhatever, they would just be
like don't talk to her, you knowthat's awesome.

Speaker 2 (21:47):
That's way better than ever they were just
bodyguards.

Speaker 3 (21:50):
It was so great.
It was so great.
And one of the boys that livedin that house his name was Mitch
, and he planned a camping tripthat, conveniently, was going to
be on my birthday, and all myfriends were like, let's go on
this trip, you need to be happy,we'll all go, it'll be so much
fun, float the river.

(22:11):
And so we all planned to go andMitch invited his brother and
his friends from Ogden, where hegrew up, to come up with us.
And that's when I met myhusband.
Yay, mitch is my brother-in-lawnow and I mean this happened.
I think like maybe four weeksafter, after that experience

(22:34):
happened, and throughout myentire dating relationship with
Carson, it, it was everythingwas different.
You know, like it was longdistance for the majority of it,
just because he was still inOgden and I was in Logan, but I
just I always remember feelingwhen the kind of panic feelings

(22:58):
would come up and be like, oh,this feels different.
It's just like, yeah, butremember, heavenly Father said
he'd give you the real pearlsand not the fake stuff.
Right, and it would call me andI'd be like, oh, this is what
healthy relationships look like.
This, this is a gift, this isgood, you know, yes, and I don't
know.
That was just one of those timeswhere it was very obvious to me

(23:22):
of like the Lord had a plan andhe made me a promise and he
followed through.
And it's cool to read inCarson's blessing, my husband's
patriarchal blessing.
It talks about how he wouldmeet me through his friends and
like very specific things likethat, which he didn't let me

(23:42):
read it until we were like aboutto get married, right.
And as soon as I read that Iwas like, oh my gosh, this is it
.
And I don't know.
It was just again one of thosesilly, dramatic, girly things to
do, but it was just.
Oh, it was a sign.

Speaker 2 (24:00):
This is true you know right, well, it's special.
It just proves the authenticityof that pearl.
Yeah, like this was literallyplanned way before, like who
even knows how far in advance.

Speaker 3 (24:12):
Right.
Well, and I love too howHeavenly Father gave me the time
to willingly give up thatrelationship.
You know, because when I prayed, it wasn't.
It was never like you need todo this, like this is bad, you
need to get out.
It was like just hold on.
And then I was given the choice, you know, right are you going

(24:32):
to give this up and hope for thereal thing, or are you gonna
clutch your pearls?
You?
know right right yeah, so thatwas a fun experience.
Another one that is a bit morerecent.
I don't know about you, but Ifeel like ever since COVID

(24:56):
happened, the world just wenthaywire.

Speaker 2 (25:00):
Yes, one million percent.

Speaker 3 (25:02):
And it hasn't been one thing after another, it's
been like five things happeningsimultaneously.

Speaker 2 (25:08):
Agreed.

Speaker 3 (25:10):
Hard and awful.
The world is on fire yes andyeah it's just been.
It's just been one awful likeincredibly hard thing after
another for me and I don't knowwe we both had our COVID babies
right, Sure did, and that was aride on its own.

(25:34):
I was newly teaching whichteaching is stressful in and of
itself Doing it through thepandemic was just horrible yeah.

Speaker 2 (25:43):
I can't even imagine.

Speaker 3 (25:45):
It was awful and the aftermath was even worse yeah,
yep, even worse for sure, but itkind of the awful, I guess,
kind of peaked or started topeak about a year ago actually,
when I got pregnant with mydaughter.

(26:06):
My medication stopped working.
I have Crohn's disease and so Ichanged medications when I was
pregnant with her and, honestly,just never really got my flare
under control.
I mean I was, I was movingthrough and coping as best as I

(26:30):
could, but I never got back intoa remission, I guess.
So this has been two and a half, almost three years in the
making and finally about a yearago my body just was starting to
shut down, just was starting toshut down like anytime I would

(26:53):
drink or eat anything.
I couldn't even drink water,yeah, without having intense
pain.
And you know, I found my littletricks that made it bearable.
Like I could have warm waterwould help, but hot or cold
would hurt too bad.
If I lay down afterwards,sometimes that would help.
Or, you know, like I'd have thetime I couldn't eat when my

(27:17):
kids ate, because then theywould need me and I would be in
pain.
Right, exactly.
There was a lot of shufflingand trying to rearrange things.
Meanwhile my job was just awful.
My mental health had suffered alot after both of my kids and

(27:40):
my job was just not Not helpingdealing with teenagers.
No honestly the teenagers werefine, it was the other adults.
If I could just teach, I'd doit every day.
It's oh man, yeah, it's thepolitics, and yeah, all of that

(28:03):
I just couldn't handle.
Plus, on top of teaching, I wasalso the FFA advisor, so I was
kind of added responsibilitywith that and I mean, yeah, just
to give you an idea, I I had mydaughter.
When I was in the hospitalgiving birth to her, I got an

(28:24):
email saying that, like all ofmy extra FFA hours wouldn't, I
wouldn't get paid for themunless I filled the form and
sent it to them that day.
So I'm, like, literally inlabor and I have to fill out a
PDF to make sure I get paid.
That's insane.
It was insane and I don't knowI.

(28:46):
It was insane and I don't knowI.
For weeks postpartum, you knowI'm I'm taking my newborn
daughter out to the barn to muckpig pens, yep, and it's what
you do degree weather and flieseverywhere and oh and yeah.
So I was putting in 50, 60hours all summer and, yeah, my

(29:09):
mental health, just it was.
And you know, combine that withthe typical mother feelings of
you know like I'm not enough,I'm not doing good enough, my
kids are suffering and I'm aterrible mom and whatever.
And also, on top of that,feeling like I'm a terrible
teacher and I can't keep up withall this and right anyway my,

(29:31):
my mental health just snappedand I'm really grateful that I
was able to get the help that Ineeded.
But I mean it got to the pointwhere I had to take a medical
leave of absence from work formy mental health.
I I mean, I was suicidal, Icouldn't function and had to

(29:56):
stop and yeah, and which washeartbreaking, I mean I've
wanted to be a teacher since Iwas four years old.
Like I, that was my lifelongdream, yeah, and even now, like
I feel very heartbroken over howthings have Right but something
had to give, and it was youthat was giving yeah, Because

(30:16):
school wasn't going to fixitself.

Speaker 2 (30:18):
They would have just moved on with someone else.
They did yeah.
Like your kids, they need you.
They're not going to stop.
You can't stop a two and afour-year-old from doing what
they're going to do they're notgoing to stop.

Speaker 3 (30:29):
You can't stop a two and a four-year-old from doing
what they're going to do, right,well, and at that time it was a
newborn.

Speaker 2 (30:32):
Oh, newborn, that's right, yeah, newborn.
And two-year-old.
Yeah, like there's.
There's literally no way youcould have functioned, yeah.

Speaker 3 (30:38):
And all through that, I just remember just feeling
like I was drowning, like eventhough my husband was trying to
help and my family was trying tohelp, like I just was not
getting what I needed andthankfully I went to this I

(31:00):
can't remember what they'recalled.
I think it's like a neonatal ohno, that's not it, it's they
specialized in postpartumperinatal, that's what it is
Care, so anything likepostpartum depression,
postpartum anxiety, ocd, they,they're like the mom haven.
Their name is Serenity.

(31:21):
They're in Riverton, I lovethem.
I got help through there.
Um, I got help through thereand that's where your mom
actually came into my life.
Yeah, she, we had puppies atthe same time, which was another
hectic, crazy, stressful thingon top of everything else.

(31:42):
But sorry, I did not think Iwould go down this like rabbit
hole, but we're, we're going.
So here we go, I guess.
But one of our puppies was bornwithout its right forearm and
immediately I thought, oh, Iwonder if the Killswood would
want it, which at the time I wasjust like there's no way.

(32:05):
Like why would I even thinkthis?
Like they have they still havekids in their home, they have a
dog, they have two dogs.
Like why would they want thisdog.
Yep, and it turns out it was sosad because Carson asked your
dad and Church was just like,hey, like we have this, this

(32:25):
puppy, do you want to come seehim?
And your dad was just like ourdog died this week.
And both of us were just like,oh, okay, well, we'll cry for
you and please don't look at usanymore.
We feel so embarrassed, likeI'm so sorry, um, but your mom
texted me that day and was justlike I'm coming to see puppies,

(32:45):
when can I come?
And and she came over.
Yeah, and she started helpingus with puppies and and it got
to the point where she wascoming over, enough that you
know, like you know how it iswhen people come over and you,
you like smile and you're like,oh hi, it's good to see you, but
she was coming over so muchthat I couldn't do that anymore.

Speaker 2 (33:09):
And it was the real life, not just like the yay,
come here, be polite.

Speaker 3 (33:14):
Right, it's like hi, I'm having a mental breakdown
and need to cry and I also needto help you, so I can't.
We're going to do both, I guess.
Gonna do both, I guess, andanyway, I yep, I was just crying

(33:35):
and and your mom looked at meand gave me a hug and was just
like, you need a friend and I'myour friend now sounds about
right okay, and she's just liketell me what's going on, and so
you know, I tell her.
It's just like tell me what'sgoing on, and so you know, I
tell her.
I was just like look, I thishappened, and now my job is in
shambles and I'm in shambles andI don't know what to do.

(33:57):
And she's just like okay, so I'mgoing to come watch your kids
every Wednesday so you and yourhusband can go to therapy.
And I was immediately like, no,you don't need to do that, I
don't want you to do that.
And she's like well, I'mshowing up, so Sounds about
right, whatever.
And she did, she did.
And the first time she showedup I was not ready to go because

(34:19):
, you know, you didn't think shewas going to do it.
I didn't think she was going todo it.
I didn't want her to do it, andso I answered the door in my
sweats and she's just like youdon't look like you're ready to
go, and I was just like I'm not,like okay, hurry up.
And you know that was the start,the friendship we have and and

(34:42):
the relationship she has with mykids, and now our kids have
their cute little friendshipsand and because we had that
level of trust with your momleading up to everything that
happened in this past year, Imean, I was luckily able to get
my mental health in a reallygood spot and then it was

(35:07):
seriously like the next monthwas when I would have that pain
every time I ate or drank and I,I mean I just slowly
deteriorated.
I don't, I don't know how elseto say it.
It was, it was like I was justdying slowly, and when you have
a three and a one-year-old, youcan't do that.

(35:29):
You have to still show up, youknow and do the thing.
And you know my husband worksfull-time and obviously helps
where he can and he's afantastic father, but he's not
able to parent and workfull-time and take care of his

(35:50):
wife.
You know, like Right, Somethinghas to give.
Yeah, Something has to give,and thankfully, this time around
it wasn't my mental health, butyeah.
So my first hospitalization wasin July of last year, 2023 for
five days, and the thing that'sso frustrating about having a

(36:13):
chronic illness is it's one ofthose where the test results
come back and nothing'squote-unquote wrong with you.
You just have this lifelongthing that's never gonna go away
.

Speaker 2 (36:26):
Right, there's nothing they can do to make it
better other than give you morepain or something and just be
like here, right, they can givethat, but that comes with its
own risks exactly and shame andfears and right, you know it's,
it's a hard thing.
It's just like you just get tosuffer yeah basically yeah, that

(36:49):
first time was in July.

Speaker 3 (36:51):
My second hospitalization was in November
of 2023.
And that time they were able topinpoint that my gallbladder
wasn't working.
I didn't have gallstones oranything, it just seriously was
like it didn't work.
It didn't work, it didn't work,yeah, and they were like, okay,
we'll remove this and hopefullythis will get you some relief.

(37:12):
And it did for a while.
I vividly remember someone inthe ward brought us orange
chicken and you know this waslike a week after my surgery
when I could eat solid foods andI ate it and it was the first
meal I had had in like sixmonths.

(37:34):
That didn't hurt and I justcried yeah, this is so great,
I'm gonna eat so much.
But then again, slowly overtime that the symptoms came back
and yeah and they came backworse.
And I remember one night I wasjust, I don't think it was even
at night it was in the morning.

(37:54):
I was just praying, just likethis is not living like I.
I can do hard things, I've donehard things, you've helped me
with hard things, but like thisis getting to the ridiculous
point of like, yeah, how can youexpect me to to get through
this?
You know, exactly, being kindof I don't know, not the most

(38:18):
humble in my tone, I guess, moreof just like dude for real,
like we gotta have a thisconversation.
Um, and my husband actuallyworks for Intermountain
Healthcare and I rememberhearing him on a conference call
and I overheard the word painmanagement clinic and I sat up

(38:40):
in my chair and was just likewhat did you just say there's a,
there's a clinic that is formanaging pain, and I haven't
heard about it.
And he felt super bad afterwards.
He was just like, oh yeah,there is sorry, like I should
have told you about this before,right, but anyway I I went to

(39:00):
this pain management clinic andI was really nervous going into
it because, as anybody withchronic health problems knows,
you don't want to get your hopesup because you'll just be more
disappointed and that's kind ofa pessimistic attitude to have.
But it's also what you got todo to get through it.

(39:21):
And I met with the nursepractitioner and I remember I
don't really I rarely sit downand you know fold my arms and
pray.
It's more of kind of like aconstant text stream, that's how
I think of it.
Yeah, I'll just like sendthoughts and be like have my

(39:42):
father.
This is, this is what I'mthinking.
You know, yep.
Constant prayer in your heart,heart right.
And I remember pulling up tothe clinic and it was snowing
and I just remember feeling like, should I even go in?
Like is this just gonna breakmy heart?
And right, I guess it gonna beworth it.
You know, and I rememberHeavenly Father I don't really

(40:08):
hear him specifically, sometimes, it's more of just the feeling
but it was just like I had thefeeling of someone's waiting for
you and they're going to helpyou, and so I, you know, I'm
still kind of guarding my heartand like, okay, like I have this

(40:28):
prompting, but like again, I,don't.
I don't want to be disappointedand still suffering with no
answers, right Right.
Exactly.
I met with the nursepractitioner and I was blown
away, like for starters, hisbedside manner was amazing.
On the way, like for starters,his bedside manner was amazing

(40:54):
and I talked for maybe 10minutes and just kind of gave
him the clinical, you know likehere's my stats.
Here's what I've got.
Here's my here's my history.
Here's my surgeries.
Here's this.
Oh yeah, by the way, like I hadmental health issues right.
Were you nursing at the time too, thankfully no, okay, good, I
was done by that point because,yeah, I, my body just could not
handle, yeah, handle that too.

(41:17):
But he, he was just like I'mjust gonna stop, like like we've
got all the clinicalinformation I need, and he's
just like I just I'm so sorry.
And he like started gettingemotional and he was like I just
really this might not be themost professional thing, but I

(41:37):
just feel the need to share withyou about my story a little bit
.
And you know he talked abouthow he and his wife um, he was
in an accident like in his early20s and had chronic pain in his
back for years and it likeinhibited.
He felt like nobody would everlove him or want to be with him

(41:59):
because he had these medicalproblems and and of course I'm
just crying because it's likeall the things he's saying are
the hard things I've felt too,and you know he talks about how
he eventually, like, did getmarried and allowed himself to
feel loved and then him and hiswife were infertile for a long

(42:19):
time and they eventually adoptedand and you know he's telling
me this, this story, and youknow I can see the garment line
on his yeah, you know, under hisscrubs and and I, just we both
just cried together and he atthe end he said he was just like
I know, right now your pain isso bad that you're just

(42:43):
struggling to survive.
You're not, you're not living,you're just struggling to
survive.
You're not, you're not living,you're surviving.
And he was like, but I'm goingto do what I can to help you and
I'm very confident that you'regoing to get the relief that you
need.
And it was just like this washof relief and hope.

(43:05):
And you know, I had that lightat the end of the tunnel and I
mean this was in December andand it got so much worse after
that, even still, like you know,fast forward six months and I
was hospitalized again for 19days and that was after I think

(43:35):
I had seven ER visits this yearand that's on top of.
You know, at the time I was onmedication, I was going to
physical therapy, I also wasseeing a psychologist who
specializes in pain, which hasbeen a huge blessing, and again,
that was through that painmanagement clinic.
But it got so much worse and itreally felt like I was just

(43:56):
dying slowly.

Speaker 2 (43:58):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (43:59):
And in pain all the time, I think around April, from
about March, around April, fromabout March.
On March until the middle ofMay my baseline pain level was
like a six or seven.
If I got below that I feltgreat, yeah, and and that again.

(44:21):
That's like that's with painmeds, that's with all these
therapy and with everything,with your parents watching my
kids several times a week, right, you know, like all these
people helping me and showing upfor me, and I still was just
suffering.
But I just I remember thatfeeling of even when everything

(44:44):
felt hopeless and pointless.
Honestly, I had that hope ofone day it's going to be okay,
and it might not be tomorrow orthe next day, but it will.
And finally I was hospitalizedagain May 1st and it was.

(45:13):
It was awful.
I mean, I've given birth twiceand I did have epidurals towards
the end of both of them, but,like the pain.
I was in it was, it was worth.
It was worse than childbirthand postpartum.
It was the worst pain I've everbeen in and again, that's with

(45:35):
pain meds, that's witheverything they can do in the ER
, and I ended up having a bowelobstruction.
Throughout my years of havingCrohn's disease, I had had so
much scar tissue built up thatnothing could pass through
anymore, right, and I was in thehospital.

(45:57):
The first day was in May, was,I believe, nine, I know it was.
It was 11 days of being in thehospital.
I know it was.
It was 11 days of being in thehospital.
And another one of the ways thatI felt Heavenly Father,
specifically when I was in thehospital I follow that Inklings

(46:19):
Institute right and, and fromthe point that I went into the
hospital until I got out of thehospital, it was like every week
was exactly the message that Ineeded.
Yeah, like that first week wasthe your words matter, talk and
that talk.
I mean I remember hearing itand just feeling like, oh, this

(46:41):
is what I need, but especiallyin the hospital, that was
exactly what I need, just withfamily issues that were going on
, and it brought me a lot ofpeace and my good friend from
the ward that studies it with mecame to the hospital like twice
and we just talked about it andvisited and played games.

(47:05):
And I had so many of my friendsshow up for me when I was in
the hospital which I don't thinkI've ever had as many and as
good of friends as I've had everin my life and right and and
that's another way that I'veseen Heavenly Father through all
this is it's just like, yeah, Iwent through this awful thing,

(47:27):
but I had several people show upfor me that I had no idea loved
me as much as they did and yeahthrough those talks.
It just it brought a profoundpeace.
I was in the hospital over mydaughter's second birthday yeah,
which I still can't think aboutwithout crying, obviously and

(47:54):
on that day your parents showedup and you showed up and you
took them on the train up todowntown and they had this
really great day.
Yep, it was super fun.
It was fun, and your mom sentme pictures and Marco Polo's and
, and you know, I remember Imean at that point I'd been in

(48:20):
the hospital for a week and Ijust felt so alone and that kind
of hopeless feeling wascreeping in.
Yeah, again.
And I remember praying toHeavenly Father and it wasn't

(48:43):
even a asking prayer or anythingit was just a.
I don't know, you know thoseprayers where it's like your
soul just feels bare and youjust tell him how it's not even
in words so much as justfeelings of just the pain and

(49:07):
the sorrow.
and I opened my eyes and lookedout my window and I had a really
good view, thankfully, of themountains.
But that day, that day wasweird.
I don't know if you remembered,but it like snowed randomly in
the morning and so it's, there'slike snow flurries, and I just

(49:31):
saw this like beam of light hitthe mountain just right and and
it was, it was such a small,insignificant thing you know one
of those things where it's.
Yeah, one of those things whereit's like anybody looking out
would be like, oh, prettymountains, like just the timing
of it and everything just feltso like there's still light in

(49:52):
the storm.
Yeah, hold on, you know.
And shortly after, your momsent me that the picture of our
kids and and it was such atender, like a bittersweet thing
, because it's like of course,I'm grieving and and having a
hard time, because it's a hardthing to go through and yet

(50:14):
there's still joy to be foundand happiness, happy things that
are happening right.
And it was funny because Ishould say funny they obviously
flagged me for like mentalhealth issues, given my history
and also how long I was in thehospital.
So this social worker came inand again, this was on my

(50:37):
daughter's birthday and you knowshe, she sits down and she's
just like.
So I'm looking over your chartand and I'm not gonna ask how
you are because I'm sure you'rejust doing awful.
So like, tell me about theawful, yeah you know, like I'm
talking about.
You know my feelings and andeverything, but I'm able to be

(51:01):
like I don't know, even just inthe way that I was talking to me
, it still felt likegut-wrenching and and awful
exactly and she just sat thereand was kind of looking at me
with her head tilted and she'sjust like I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but like I'mkind of weirded out how fine

(51:27):
you are and you know, to me I'mjust like.

Speaker 2 (51:31):
I am not fine, yeah exactly.

Speaker 3 (51:35):
She's like did you listen right?
And she's like.
She said something along thelines of like what I mean you're
.
You're describing your feelingsvery clearly.
You're talking about.
You're able to identify whatyou're feeling.

(51:55):
You're able to say, like thingsare hard but you still have
hope.
You're able to say likesometimes it doesn't feel worth
it to go through all this, butyou're going to fight anyway.
Like like you're going throughhard things and so you're going
to feel awful.
I'm not here to like try toconvince you otherwise.
Right, exactly.

(52:16):
And she's like but I'm justamazed, honestly.
I thought I would come in hereand you wouldn't even be able to
talk to me honestly and and soI'm crying and I was just like
and also it's my daughter'sbirthday and she's just like,
see, like case in point, likewhat, how are you?

(52:37):
Okay, I'm crying more than youare.
You know, and I don't know itwas.
I have such a problem whereit's like I was such an A plus
student and that was mymentality.
So like in my mind, I'm likeI'm the best therapy patient,
she said today you know, like itwas like below of the best mess

(53:01):
in the hospital, but it wasalso kind of the boost I needed.

Speaker 2 (53:08):
I was gonna say it makes you laugh and you needed
to laugh probably.

Speaker 3 (53:11):
I needed to laugh and I also needed that reminder of
like, yeah, I'm gonna be a hotmess because this is a hot mess
situation and I normally wouldhave been so much worse had I
not had the support and thespirit and my garments too.
That was another thing, likewearing garments when you're

(53:34):
hospitalized it's hard becauseit's uncomfortable as it is.
And just having another thing onyou.
Yeah, terrible, honestly.
Yeah, but I tried to have mygarments on as often as I could
and when I didn't, it was a veryconscientious like I'm taking

(53:54):
these off because it like I feellike I can't right now, but can
you still be with me?
Yes, even without them and, andI don't know it, it really
helped me a lot to remember thecovenants that I had made and to

(54:15):
still have that consciousness,even when I wasn't able to wear
them, of the power that comesfrom those covenants.
And I really think that that Ikind of attributed my ability to
be just a hot mess and not autter disaster to do the help

(54:37):
that I was receiving and mygarments and those garments,
another kind of tender mercywhen I was in the hospital.
I, I'm a weirdo and I wouldrather have an IV over a shot
any day, just because I've hadso many IVs, you know.
Yep, but one day it was theSaturday before Mother's Day and

(55:02):
I was hopefully finally goingto be able to go home either
that day or the next day, atleast for a little bit, until I
had surgery and I had to get aPICC line in and I had never had
one before.
Yeah, and I was freaking out.
I mean, we're on, we're on day11 of my hospital stay and so my

(55:26):
nerves are shot.
I hadn't eaten anything sincethe day before I had gone in.
I was at that point I was onlike IV nutrition.
Well, I needed to get the PICCline so I could have the IV
nutrition when I went home.
But, yeah, I was freaking outand terrified and like mentally,

(55:47):
just I could not handle, handleanother scary thing right.
And it was a miracle but my mombrought up my three sisters and
my sister-in-law came down andthey all met me at the hospital

(56:08):
and it was so nice like myyoungest sister did my nails and
my mom's massage therapist, soshe was like massaging me and my
other sister was like talkingto me and my other sisters like
doing my hair.
And meanwhile, you know, I'mknowing in the back of my mind
like I'm gonna have to get a biglife and I'm freaking out.

(56:30):
but you know, I I'm surroundedby angels and my mom, and it was
what I needed to get throughthat last awful thing during the
hospital stay.
You know, the nurse came to getme when they were all still
there and I was able to give mymom a hug and she gets the best

(56:52):
hugs yeah, was able to give mymom a hug and she gets the best
hugs.
Yeah, and I was able to bescared and not have to pretend
for a moment like everything wasokay and and that was exactly
what I needed, you know.
But I went and got the PICCline and it was not bad.
It was not nearly as bad as Ihad thought or, honestly, most

(57:17):
of the other procedures I hadhad at that point were probably
way worse.
Oh yeah, it was like I.
It was one of those where, like, at the end of it, I was just
like man.
I was freaking out for noreason, I mean.
Again, logically it makes sensewhy I was, cause I had never
had it before, but I'm, I'm justlike man.

Speaker 2 (57:36):
That was the easiest thing I've had since I've been
here, like you're fine but butto have like the comfort and
just the people in your lifeagain that were literally the
ministering angels to hold youand comfort you and care for you
, like that's so amazing youwere able to have that yeah, to
have that and also let that beenough, because I also I
struggle very hard with FOMO,like yeah that fear of missing

(58:01):
out.

Speaker 3 (58:02):
And you know, like they were planning on like where
to go to dinner, and and theywere staying at an Airbnb which,
like my mom, had originallygotten the Airbnb, so that, with
me in mind thinking like, oh,now Kaya can come with us and we
can do this, and I did feel sadand disappointed that I
couldn't go, but that was it.

(58:24):
It wasn't like the gut-wrenchingdespair that I normally feel
when I have to miss out onthings yeah yeah, which, again,
I feel like that really wasHeavenly Father, just being like
okay, ma'am, I know younormally would be like
heartbroken over this andstressed and feel bad, but like

(58:46):
we're just gonna feel kind ofsad and we're gonna cry and it's
gonna be okay.
And it seriously felt like Ihad a like an emotions coach in
my head sometimes of just likevery consistent reminders of
things that I had heard intherapy, like those promptings
of like and talking through,like those compassion statements

(59:08):
and things like.
In a lot of ways, I feel likemy mental health struggles and
everything that was so hard.
I feel like it was the blessingin disguise that got me through
these physical ones because,like I feel like if it had been
reversed and I had had thephysical without the mental, I

(59:30):
would not have had the toolsthat I needed to get right
through exactly which is kind ofreally hard to say it's.

Speaker 2 (59:36):
It's almost like that .
I don't want to say it's thepearls analogy again, but maybe
almost, because it's like thepreparation.
It's like how much do you loveme?
You're going through thisreally hard thing, but you're
gonna have to trust me that,whatever comes next, whether
it's hard or whether it's easy,I've you love me and I'm going
to carry you.

Speaker 3 (59:54):
Yeah, I'm going to give you what you need, right,
yeah, exactly, and I think I'vehad to do a lot of reframing
with this too, in regards to,like my faith and hope in Christ
, because I I used to be one ofthose people that believe like
everything happens for a reasonand.

(01:00:14):
God's in all the details which,like to an extent, I do still
believe that.
But when you're hit with hardthing after hard thing after
hard thing, it gets to a pointwhere it's just like it's easy
to go down various rabbit holesof like well, where is God?
Like I'm a good person, why isthis happening to me?

(01:00:36):
Is he punishing me?
Am I bad?
You know?
Like right?
It leaves so much room forthose doubts of the devil to get
in and sneak its way in, whensometimes it's just like part of
mortal existence is just badthings happen.
And it's not heavenly fatherteaching you a lesson, it's not
him punishing you.

(01:00:56):
It's just that's what comeswith mortality.
But the good thing is thatheavenly father and christ,
because of the atonement, takethose things that are awful and
hard and mortality, and help youlearn in spite of them.
It's not a God sends you hardthings to teach you a lesson.

(01:01:18):
I think that we as a churchreally need to be careful with
our wording, with that.
It's not he sends you hardthings to teach you a lesson.
It's the hard things are cominganyway.
But if you're humble and youlet him, he will help you learn
the lesson.
And that might sound like thesame thing to someone, but I

(01:01:43):
don't know.
That was just a really bigdistinction that I had to make
in these last few months.

Speaker 2 (01:01:49):
Does it help you not take it personally?
Yes, it helps me not take itpersonally.

Speaker 3 (01:01:52):
Yes, it helps me not take it personally.
It helps that feeling ofdespair go away.
It gives more room for hope andit also gets rid of a lot of
kind of Satan's distractions oflike self-blaming, self-loathing
, self-blaming, self-loathing,self-pity like it just leaves

(01:02:14):
more room.
When you have more room forhope, you have more room for
love and right and his rightyeah, exactly.
Yeah, moving on with kind of mycrazy health story, I was able
to come home that same day.
I got the PICC line and thenext day was Mother's Day and it

(01:02:35):
was amazing, like I mean, Istill wasn't eating.
I had that.
I had a nutrition IV going onin my PICC line all the time,
but I finally had energy which Ihadn't had in forever.
Yeah, yeah, and we, we took thekids to the park.
I didn't feel comfortable goingto church just because of, like

(01:02:58):
, I was in, you know,compromised still and didn't
want to bring the bag of medswith me.
Yeah, and church with kids isjust awful in general.

Speaker 2 (01:03:09):
You know, like it's just oh yeah no, you didn't need
that't need that.

Speaker 3 (01:03:12):
No, it was a.
It was a church in themountains and and we went to the
park and I just remembersitting on the bench and I hear
my I hate that I cry all thetime, it's okay I hear my kids
giggling and playing with myhusband and I feel the sun on my

(01:03:37):
face which I hadn't felt inalmost two weeks, and I just
remember, like holding my faceup to the sky and thinking like
this is what joy feels like,this is what coming home feels
like.
And I had, I had a prompting inmy head.

(01:03:59):
They like I need to be carefulhow I phrase this.
It was.
It was like soak it in, you'regoing to need it.
And it wasn't a like.
It was really in that tone oflike just soak it in you're
going to need it and it wasn'tso much of a like well, soak it
in because it's gonna go away.
You know it was more of like thepeaceful yeah, but I mean, sure

(01:04:23):
enough, that night I took aturn for the worst.
That morning it was just awfuland thankfully your mom was
there to rescue us yet again andcame and sat with our kids
while my husband took me up tothe ER again and it was scary.

(01:04:44):
I think, other than issues withmy mental health and childbirth
, I mean, that's probably theclosest to death I've ever gone
and I was fighting to stayconscious and it was scary.

(01:05:07):
But I vividly remember thinkingyou know, this is my blood
pressure for anybody who knowsblood pressure.
I mean, my blood pressure waslike 60s, over 40s, like, by all
accounts, I should not haveeven been coherent at all.
And I remember, you know I'msqueezing my legs and my arms

(01:05:30):
and I'm trying to take deepbreaths and and focus on just
staying.
And I remember praying and justsaying, like you promised me
because in my patriarchalblessing it specifically says
that I won't be, I won't be,called home until my work on
earth is done and I justremember saying I was just like

(01:05:52):
you promised me.
Yeah, that I'm not done yet andI need you to keep your promise
.
And I had this thought of likeyou know that I keep my promises
yeah and, and immediately afterthat I passed out.

(01:06:13):
I'm like passing out, and I geta blood transfusion and I do all
these scans.
I got admitted to the ICU but Imean, after that I wasn't
scared anymore.
I mean things were still scarybecause it was really intense,
but I had that fear of like Iknew I was going to get through
it.
And my husband gave me abeautiful blessing that night,

(01:06:36):
with my brother-in-law, mitch,who introduced us, and, and that
was the only priesthoodblessing in my whole life where
I was promised that I would behealed.
Every other blessing has been,you know, and Lord's timing and
have faith and get through it,and and that was the only

(01:06:56):
blessing I've ever had where itwas.
You know, you are going to behealed, the lord is going to
heal you, and so it was.
Again it's like I'm goingthrough hell, yeah, and and this
is on the back of, you know ayear of suffering physically,
two years of suffering mentally,and it's the most awful night

(01:07:21):
of my life and I'm in agonybecause I couldn't have any pain
meds, because it would make mepass out.
And yet I had peace and I knewI was going to be okay and
that's honestly what kept mecalm enough to get through what
I needed to get through, and thenext day I had surgery.
They ended up removing like 18inches of my intestines.

Speaker 2 (01:07:45):
You didn't need it anyway.
No, I was very happy to be ridof it.

Speaker 3 (01:07:51):
And it was the weirdest thing, like I mean mean
purely for selfish reasons, I'mgrateful, but I have an uncle
that has Crohn's disease too andhe had a similar surgery and
he's just like you're gonna feelbetter right away, which again
I'm like, okay, don't say thosethings to me, because right,
don't get my hope if it doesn'thappen.
I'm gonna be pissed, you knowbut I remember I'm not even

(01:08:16):
coherent yet, my eyes are stillclosed and I'm just barely
coming to from the anesthesiaand I had the thought of like my
body works, like it works,things work, what is going on?
And you know, I'm 10 minutesout of surgery and sitting up in

(01:08:40):
bed and 20 minutes out ofsurgery and walking and, oh my
gosh, like it was amazing.

Speaker 2 (01:08:48):
It's a literal miracle, like you were,
literally almost dead.

Speaker 3 (01:08:52):
I was almost dead, I was actively dying, in fact.
Oh my gosh, I'm walking and mypoor surgeon.
She's amazing.
If anyone has gut issues, go toher, but like she, she comes in
to check on me and I'm she waspanicked because I wasn't in my
room when she came to see me.

(01:09:14):
So she like flagged down thenurse and was like where is she?
And the nurse is like oh, she'swalking.
And the surgeon's like what?
Why?
I mean that's good, but anyway.
So she starts walking with meand I'm just sobbing.
I'm like you gave me my lifeback, thank you.
And she's just like she hadreally good bedside manner, but

(01:09:36):
I could tell that she was justlike so much.
So that happened and you knowwe're on day 13 of being in the
hospital at this point and Istill had recovery to go, which
was hard.
But that week, right after thesurgery, when you know I'm

(01:10:00):
coming off of this high of amiracle, like a literal miracle,
like you said, right, butthere's still work to be done
and it's still hard.

Speaker 2 (01:10:09):
You still have to mom , I still have to mom.
The dishes still have to bedone.

Speaker 3 (01:10:13):
Unfortunately, and at this point I'm even still in
the hospital, but it's like mykids are still being taken care
of by other people and I'mhaving to eat again, which was
incredibly hard, just because ofall like the anxiety and, and,
frankly, the PTSD you know, likecause, like I said, it will
cause me pain.

Speaker 2 (01:10:34):
I don't want to be in pain.
Right, I just fixed my body.
I don't want to break it again.

Speaker 3 (01:10:39):
Exactly and the talk for that week I don't remember
the name of it, but it was elderholland's talk where he talked
about being in the hospital andwhen his wife passed and and the
thing I have this like itclicked in my mind moment was
just like he, he would have beenin this hospital, like he would

(01:11:00):
have been in this ICU, based onwhere he lives and I mean, I
don't know for sure, this isjust the story I tell myself,
but but it was such a hugecomfort to me and like
everything that he talked aboutin that talk of like you know
how, basically, like his workisn't done yet and he's got

(01:11:21):
things to do and he's gonna goand boldly preach and testify,
and and it was exactly what Ineeded, it was the validation I
needed and the comfort, and alsolike that call of like I have a
life to look forward to and Ican get through this last hard
bit you know Right.

Speaker 2 (01:11:43):
I've done it for so long, right, I literally am at
the end, hopefully.

Speaker 3 (01:11:48):
Yeah, and and if it's not the end, it's still going
to be okay.
And I mean, it was seriouslylike every week for the next
month was exactly the talk thatI needed.
And obviously when Emily BellFreeman is making the schedule,
she prays about it and she isvery intentional with it, but
like there's no way she knewthat that's what I was going to

(01:12:10):
need, right and timing wise.
But again, it was just one ofthose miracles that lined up
that it was exactly what Ineeded when I needed it.
And one of those things whereit's like I don't kind of tying
it back to how my faith startedas a toddler, like I've already

(01:12:30):
made the choice to believe.
I've already seen these thingsthat strengthen that.
Like it just takes one morechoice off of my plate of
whether I'm going to choose tobelieve or not right and I'm
just really grateful for forthat and I'm glad that now I am

(01:12:53):
at a point where it's funny, Iwas talking to my husband about
this the other days like I'mreally good at surviving, I'm
not used to just living right,you have to relearn how to live.
Exactly, it's like I have tolearn how to live, and it's one

(01:13:13):
of those things that again mebeing kind of critical of myself
it's like this shouldn't behard, like it's it's living.
You know why?
Why does this feel so dauntingand hard and whatever, but right
.
But again it's like, as I lookback through all these miracles
and the way that Heavenly Fatherand Christ have shown up for me

(01:13:37):
, it's like they're gonna helpme learn how to live too.

Speaker 2 (01:13:41):
Yeah, that's what the gospel is, and I just have the
gospel of joy like you guys haveto figure out now how to have
that joy.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:13:51):
I guess that's my next thing.
I'm looking forward to learning, but I'm I'm grateful that I
had this opportunity with you.
I've I wanted to like gothrough and write out everything
that happened, but it's hard todo that, not just for the time,
but honestly, just again, likereliving those experiences.
Sometimes it's hard yeah butbeing able to do it with the

(01:14:15):
focus on like how heavenlyfather helped me through it and
having that be the focus.
It's like I get to digest whathappened without just the
horrific things being stuck inmy mind.
You know again it.
It helps that hope stay aliveinstead of just the hard

(01:14:40):
enveloping.

Speaker 2 (01:14:41):
So the darkness.
What would you tell someone whomight be going through exactly
what you're going through rightnow?
Or something similar Like doyou have anything that you would
want to want to tell them?

Speaker 3 (01:14:58):
thing that you would want to want to tell them lots.
Um, I think one of the thingsis just like, especially in
regards to mental health.
I had to relearn how to listento the spirit and how to feel
heavenly father's presence,because it's so different than
what it was like as a youth,when I wasn't mentally ill
that's terrible but likedepression in particular, it's

(01:15:21):
so numbing that it's like if yourely on your feelings to feel
the spirit like it's just notgoing to be there.
At least that's how it was forme, and so I think, accepting
the ways that you can stillinteract with Heavenly Father,
even if it's not necessarilyyour ideal, just letting it be

(01:15:45):
how it is right and andaccepting it, I think, helped me
a lot.

Speaker 2 (01:15:51):
I also Knowing that you're not any less than like.
It's like, that's fine, likehe's your dad, he loves you, he
doesn't care if you're sick inbed and can't do anything.

Speaker 3 (01:16:01):
Right, right, yeah, that's comforting, it is, and
it's like even going back tothat, like repentance is like
giving him a hug.
Analogy it's like likerepentance is like giving him a
hug.
Analogy it's like anytime youturn to him is repentance.

(01:16:21):
And I mean there were timesbecause of my physical pain or
my mental pain where I rememberhugging people and just feeling
like I don't feel anything.
Yeah, I don't feel the comfortthat this usually gives me, but
that doesn't mean that there'snot still hugging me you know,
Right, right, just because Ican't receive it in the way that

(01:16:42):
I want to or that I'm used tolike, it's still, it's happening
and I still am getting benefitfrom it, even if I can't see it
now.

Speaker 2 (01:16:52):
Or God is there.
He's hugging you, even if youcan't feel it Right.

Speaker 3 (01:16:57):
Exactly, and another thing I would say, too, is that
I feel like Heavenly Fatherworks.
I don't know.
There's just so many ways thathe tries to help us, and I'm a
huge believer in God beinginvolved with medical miracles,

(01:17:18):
you know, and and sometimes thatmeans like I I feel like I held
myself back from getting thehelp that I was in need of
because it wasn't through thequote unquote priesthood.
You know, like I felt like Ishouldn't need pain medication.

(01:17:38):
I just need a priesthoodblessing I shouldn't need this
medication that will make mylife more bearable, because I
should just have more faith andthen this miracle will happen.
Right, and it's like in themeantime, it's like the miracle
has happened.
Heavenly father has helpedpeople develop these miracles,

(01:17:58):
you know the medicine is themiracle, and and I was just so
stubborn, I guess, in the waythat I wanted to receive
miracles and and I think I had alot of shame too like if I had
more faith, if I was a betterperson, then I wouldn't need
medication or therapy, or yourmom helping me again for the

(01:18:24):
third time that week.
You know, yeah, I wouldn't needthat extra support, but it's
just like.
No, those are the miracles,those are the answers.
So I guess, just being moreopen to accepting the miracle
and the way heavenly father istrying to give them, versus the
way I think they should comeright, that would have been

(01:18:48):
helpful to learn earlier on.
And I think to just try to findhope and light wherever you can
and don't have the expectationthat you're gonna feel joy again
.
That might sound kind ofcynical, but it's just like you
know, people talk about the joyhave felt, that pure joy.
It's bittersweet or it's it hasmore of a heavy feeling

(01:19:22):
accompanying it, you know it'slike it's the opposition in all
things is when you truly feel it.
Exactly.
And even when I couldn't feelit again because of the pain I
was going through, eithermentally, emotionally,
physically, like I think, justremembering I had I don't want

(01:19:42):
to call it an affirmation,necessarily, but I just had this
phrase I'd always say it's justlike I already chose to have
faith.
I don't need to choose again.
I already chose to have faith,I don't need to choose again.
And and if there's this, ifthere's something that you can
say to yourself, as trite as itmight feel, even if you don't

(01:20:07):
actually believe it in themoment, a lot of times like it
just it's that thing that canget you through.
You know, you gotta find that.
And and also just let peoplehelp you yeah and be willing to
ask for it.
I feel like I needed your mom tocome in with her sledgehammer
and smash down my that is herstyle it is, and I needed it.

(01:20:33):
I needed it so badly, but shepaved the way for me to allow so
many other relationships in mylife, and so don't wait for the
redhead with a sledgehammer tocome show up on your door,
because she will, she will, andif you don't have her in your
life, just just let someone inwithout needing a sledgehammer.

(01:20:57):
Yeah.
Because it's worth it.

Speaker 2 (01:21:02):
Well, thank you, micaiah, so much for all the
amazing things that you shared.
This has been a really coolnight, and would you mind just
leaving us with a quicktestimony leaving us with a
quick testimony.

Speaker 3 (01:21:16):
Yeah, it's funny that you asked that.
I think this is another thingI've worked on a lot through my
recent trials.
That phrase like I know, I know, I know I.
I don't know a lot, I don'tknow that God is real, I don't
know that his church is true,but I believe that he is real
and I believe that he loves meand I believe that Jesus Christ

(01:21:42):
went through the atonement andwent through what he did because
of love.
And I believe that there's somany good things in life to go
along with the bad and that, aswe remember the experiences that

(01:22:05):
we have and the faith and thehope that's there for us, that
ultimately that's what's thereto help us get through this
mortal existence.
And I believe that, althoughthere are some things about the
church that are difficult andeven culturally might be hard to

(01:22:26):
go through sometimes, I dobelieve that the gospel is true
and that the more I follow itand try to apply it in my life,
the better I become.
And I say that in the name of.

Speaker 2 (01:22:44):
Jesus Christ, amen, amen.
Thank you so much, micaiah, forsharing your story.

Speaker 3 (01:22:50):
Thank you.

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I Already Chose to Have Faith, I Don’t Need to Choose Again with Maciah

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