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May 5, 2024 57 mins

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When the reflection in the mirror begins to define our self-worth, it's time to step back and seek our true value. This episode takes a heartfelt look at Kaila's courageous battle with body image and the pursuit of self-worth through the lens of faith. As a mother of three with a love for photography, Kaila opens up about the pressures of conforming to beauty standards and the turbulence of an eating disorder rooted in her high school years. Her narrative serves as a powerful reminder of the ongoing struggle against societal expectations and the need to ground our identity in something far deeper than external validation.

Venturing further into the realms of love, relationships, and the trials of faith, we confront the challenges when life's choices lead us away from our spiritual path. Kaila shares the profound lessons learned in a marriage built on shaky ground and the transformative decision to choose a life aligned with Christ's gospel. It's a story of loneliness, the complexities of parenthood, and the eventual solace found in returning to a faith-centered existence. This conversation shines a light on the resilience required to navigate personal pain, betrayal, and the long road to healing—both within a marriage and within oneself. This episode isn't just about sharing stories; it's about inviting you to join the conversation, reflecting on how Jesus Christ has touched your life in ways that are far from coincidental. So, as you tune in, prepare to be moved by the strength of the human spirit and the life-changing power of faith that carries us through the most challenging of times.

Please reach out to me if you are interested in sharing your story! I would LOVE to hear from you. :)

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Episode Transcript

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Lily (00:06):
Hello everyone and welcome to.
More Than CoincidenceRemembering Jesus Christ in your
Story as the author andfinisher of our faith, our
Savior writes personalexperiences into each of our
lives which can later strengthen, empower and bring us peace
upon reflection.
This podcast is dedicated tosharing these anchoring memories

(00:26):
from everyone's unique storiesin order to collectively
remember and testify of thereality of Jesus Christ and his
presence in our lives.
I'm your host, lily, and I'mvery excited to share these
experiences together.
Hello everybody, and welcome tothe podcast.
Today we have Kayla Welcome.

(00:46):
Hello.
Hi Lily, how are you doing?

Kaila (00:50):
Tell us about yourself.
I am doing really well.
I am Kayla, obviously, and I am30 years old.
I have three little kiddos.
I am just living life.

(01:11):
I don't know.

Lily (01:12):
I love to be outdoors.

Kaila (01:18):
We live right by a lake so I love to go hang out by the
lake a lot.
Oh yeah, I don't know, I justlike to.
Yeah, kind of outdoorsy girl.

Lily (01:27):
You still into photography ?
I know you're doing photographya lot.

Kaila (01:31):
I do love photography still, especially with babies.
I love to do more photography.
Yeah, they're just so sweet andspecial.

Lily (01:40):
Well, I've seen some of the pictures you post and I'm
like gosh, it's so professional,it's so good.

Kaila (01:46):
You know I've had a lot of practice.
It didn't start that way, butthank you.

Lily (01:51):
I think you're doing great Well.
So Kayla and I actually met inhigh school and so that was
pretty fun.
We ran track together, and soI'm really excited to be
chatting with her and hearingall of her cool experiences.
So I'll just say, kayla, whatmemories do you have that you
reflect on, that?
Prick your heart in remembranceof our Savior Jesus Christ and

(02:11):
anchor you to him.

Kaila (02:13):
So I've heard you say the word prick a lot of times in
the different podcasts.
For me it is less of a prickand it's been more of like a
beating.
That's where I've had to get,and so my story really begins

(02:35):
when I was just a little girl,and the root of my story and how
it will all kind of cometogether is basically about lust
and the way that Satan useslust in a lot of ways to pull us
away from our identity and ourpotential, from God, and I

(02:57):
wanted to preface this by sayingthat there's no such thing as
I've arrived, because I feellike that's really important,
like in the differentexperiences that we have, I
think sometimes and I felt thisin my life, where sometimes I'm
like.
I've gone through this hardthing, I've arrived.
I'm great, I'm close to Christwe're good.

(03:19):
You know, and I felt that.
So I just wanted to prefacethis by saying that, I think,
because for me I'm very much inthe thick of things right now,
but I feel like I can draw fromthese past experiences and we go
through things constantly yeah,exactly, and it's yeah, so it's

(03:42):
all.
It all kind of started, yeah,back when I was young and it all
ties together this way.
But I have very specificmemories of many times that
people commented to my mom or tome about how physically, like
physically beautiful I was right, and they would pick me apart

(04:05):
piece by piece and say seeminglynice things about me and this,
this.
I say this because it's, it's.
It was really impactful for me,um, and I, just as a little girl
, they would say to my mom, like, oh, how she has the most
beautiful eyes or skin or lips,and it didn't necessarily impact

(04:31):
me in a good way in the longrun.
My mom put a lot of emphasis onmy outward appearance and would
comment on my size and compareme to people.
As I grew up and talked aboutbody types a lot, there was a
lot of body emphasis in myfamily and it reinforced the

(04:55):
idea that my worth came from myphysical body and then so as I
got older.
In junior junior high, Istarted on the cheer team and
being small, specifically, wascontinually celebrated.

Lily (05:15):
So I I felt like I had a lot of pressure to be a certain
size right um, when you were oneof the girls that they like to
throw in the air certain sizeright.
Um, when you were one of thegirls that they like to throw in
the air, right, and you knowthe cool tricks and stuff.

Kaila (05:29):
I was a flyer and my, my mom especially, and other people
would really like, wow, you getto go up in the air and you're
and you have to be small to dothat and I felt a lot of
pressure.
It was.
It was really fun, but it was alot of pressure, yeah and um.
Then in high school.
So this was a more pivotal inhigh school, my junior year, I

(05:56):
got my wisdom teeth out and um,I couldn't eat a lot during that
time while I was healing forlike two weeks.
You know you're eating likesmoothies and pudding, right.

Lily (06:07):
And you're just like a chipmunk and you're just like,
yeah, it's the worst.

Kaila (06:11):
Yes, it was awful so, but in that time I lost a lot of
weight and I realized, okay, ifI don't eat, then I lose, I get
smaller.
Realized, okay, if I don't eat,then I lose, I get smaller.
And so that was the.
That was like the beginning ofan eating disorder for me, and I

(06:33):
lost like 10 to 15 pounds inhigh school.
So, it was like cause I wasdoing cheer and track, and so I
was exercising constantly.
I was eating very little andthen I would go to the gym.
If I felt like I ate too muchthat day, I would go to the gym

(06:53):
and exercise more and it waspretty intense and so I was
pretty miserable in this time,like outwardly I didn't seem so
miserable.
I think from the outside peoplewould look at me and think that

(07:17):
I had it put together.

Lily (07:19):
I was going to say from someone who I look up to you and
I was like you're withupperclassmen.

Kaila (07:23):
She's so cool, all the boys love her'm so jealous like
I do remember being like kaylais so cool, oh and you know what
, internally, though likeinternally I was, I was
shriveling, like, just right, myself-esteem was so low and I

(07:43):
was, I was miserable, but Iwanted to, to not appear that
way, right, um and so, but Iwould I would receive a lot of
praise of like oh you're, you're, you're so pretty, you're so
fast, you're so cool I don'tknow just all the things that it
reinforced that like okay, I'mdoing this, right, this is how I

(08:07):
am loved, right, like myoutward appearance, my outward
abilities, that's the way that Iam loved, and I really believe
that.
And all through my adolescence,I had a really pretty weak
testimony, and I think part ofthat was because so much of my

(08:30):
focus was on my physical, likeoutward things.
I didn't really work on inward,yeah, like my testimony, or my,
um, my connection with God orreally others.
I didn't really go to church.

Lily (08:51):
Right, well, I feel like your focus is elsewhere, right
Totally.
Like as someone who it's funnyyou're bringing this up because
in high school I also had eatingdisorders and all of that kind
of stuff.
And that was something I washaving.
I took years to heal right andall of that kind of stuff, and
that was something I was having.
I took years to heal right, andso I know the feeling of
constantly looking at yourself,constantly thinking, okay,
what's the next, If I eat thisat this time, then I can do this

(09:13):
.
And okay, well, I've got to goto the gym and I'm listening to
my playlist at the gym and okay,well, I'm going to talk to all
these friends.
But while they're talking to me, I'm like low key, thinking
about what do they think of me?
How do they think I look like?
Does this look okay?

Kaila (09:24):
like, like all of these, all these thoughts.

Lily (09:26):
You're literally swamped.
You can't you can't.
It's so hard for the spirit toeven like kind of come in and be
like, hey, I'm here, whenyou're constantly thinking about
like what are others thinkingof me?
What do I?

Kaila (09:38):
think of myself.

Lily (09:39):
Oh my gosh, I don't like this.
Oh my gosh, I'm actually reallyhungry.

Kaila (09:41):
But I can't be hungry because if I'm hungry, then that
means I need to eat and I don'twant to eat and I don't want to
eat right, and it just is likea constant like um yes, I could,
I could go on yes, oh yeah,it's the whole subject in itself
, right where it's just and yes,you're right like the spirit
can't come in, when yourthoughts are just like going 100

(10:03):
miles an hour on things thatreally don't ultimately matter,
but it feels like they matter.

Lily (10:08):
They matter especially in high school, when you're young
and vulnerable andimpressionable.

Kaila (10:13):
Absolutely yes, and so I feel like and and I was really I
just didn't really want todevelop a relationship with God.
I didn't have a huge interestin it and I got to a point where
I didn't really think heexisted.
It was just kind of like that'slike way out there.

(10:35):
I'm not going to deal with thator think about it really.
Um, and then I graduated highschool and I had some good
influences that pointed metoward Christ.
Um, and I feel like that wasthat was influential for me at

(11:00):
the time.
Enough to um.
I started to read my scripturesand for the time, I felt like I
was really talking to God and Iwas beginning on the path to
conversion.
But it was a really it was asmall little sprout.

(11:20):
We were still really weak and Ididn't have a grasp on who I am
as a daughter of God.
But at this point in my life,god was inviting me to him.
He would say, the easy way, thenice way, like you have some
good friends and you have somegood influences and they were

(11:44):
pushing me to to do good.
And I felt like I was, I wasstarting to, to feel his love,
um, and.
But Satan still had a prettytight grip on me, uh, in my body

(12:04):
, shame and the beliefs that Ihad that my body was so
connected to my ability to beloved.
That was really deeply rootedin me, told me and still tried

(12:29):
to tell me is that lust is love,lust equals love and that if
someone admires my body, I'mloved.
And still, to this day, it's mybiggest internal challenge.
And so, believing this lie aboutlust, I started dating more.
So this is after I graduatedand I started dating more
seriously and I ended upattracting men who also believed
that lust is love and I wantedto be less than.

(12:52):
Therefore, uh, yeah, attracted,attracted men wanted to be to
lust me.
And so, um, soon after I turned20, I got pregnant out of
wedlock and obviously that was abig shift for me where I was

(13:13):
like, okay, wow, this is a bigturning point for me and the
father and I fully believed thatwe were in love, but we kind of
forgot about God.
Obviously, I feel like whenyou're you're, you're making
choices that lead you away fromGod.

(13:36):
You are, you just keep kind offalling at least I that I kind
of followed that path back awayfrom God and I disregarded
warnings from other people and Ireally believe, like we are,
like we're making poor choices,but we are, we are in love you

(13:57):
know, right, right, well.

Lily (13:58):
And it's hard because if you have those mental thought
patterns that you've beenworking on year after year, year
after year, and you're stillmaybe even getting positive
affirmations from the personthat you're with, you know, the
man who's telling you oh yeah, Ilove you so much, even though
you know it's it's not love then, of course you're going to be
kind of I don't want to sayblinded, but your, your brain,

(14:20):
is going to be a little confusedand kind of like whoa, I'm
feeling this, but this, butthere's this, but yeah, the red
flags, but nah, not really.
Like he says he loves me, like Ifeel like there's so much
opportunity for you to giveyourself grace in those
situations.

Kaila (14:33):
Totally, totally, and that cause I get I.
It makes sense of all of thethings that.
that I mean you start so youngand then it, and then you end,
and then you end up inrelationships that just are not
rooted in what real loveactually is, because I wasn't
really taught what real love waslike Exactly I just thought

(14:54):
like yeah, like all the feelingsof you want to be close to me
and you tell me all the things Iwanted to hear you know Right
me, and you tell me all the allthe things I wanted to hear you
know right and um, butultimately I've figured out now
that real love you, real loveinvolves God right and so when,

(15:15):
when he's not, or when you're,you're sinning together and
you're not repentant of that,then it's hard to really,
because if you love someone,you're going to point them to
Christ, right, and um, that's a.
That was a big, has been a biglesson for me.
Um, yeah, um.

(15:39):
So a few months into mypregnancy, um, the father of our
baby and I decided to getmarried, um, and we were gonna
make it work.
We were like this is great,like it's not ideal, but we're
gonna make it work.

(15:59):
And um, the anticipation ofbecoming a new mom kind of took
over for a while and it was adistraction for me, I would say,
and I didn't think, I mean, Ididn't focus on God, I was just
like we are, we created life,we're together we're going to be

(16:20):
new parents.

Lily (16:21):
We have a positive slope.
Let's just keep this kind oflike that, yeah, that's how it
felt.

Kaila (16:28):
It it did, yeah, yes and um, but as the months went by
and the lust in my relationshipwith my husband started to
dissipate and fade and we becamepretty distant and so, um,
because lust isn't love itdidn't last and he was always on

(16:52):
his computer and on his phoneand wanting to be with his
friends and I felt really alone,like this positive slope like
you were saying, just felt likeit, it, it peaked and then we're
going downhill and I, I, yeah,I started to feel really alone

(17:13):
and I feel like this is wherethe shift kind of started for me
, where I was like, okay, wait,life's not so comfortable
anymore.
I was making it happen, I wasmaking it work, but it's not so
comfortable anymore.
I was making it happen, I wasmaking it work but, it's not.
It's not feeling like it's it'sworking anymore and, yeah, it
shifted from I don't need God,I'm doing good to wait a second.

(17:35):
I'm uncomfortable.
What's going on?
And the real I think the realjourney began here, where it
started to get uncomfortable.
Um so, when our baby was threemonths old, I was feeling really
alone.

Lily (17:53):
I.

Kaila (17:54):
I would spend time just on my bed by myself, like
waiting for him to be done,watching a football game, or you
know.
Just, he always seemed like hewanted to be elsewhere, which,
right, yeah, I just felt reallyalone.
So, um, I was confused and, um,it wasn't everything that I

(18:15):
thought it was like marriage wassupposed to be.
And, um, that is when I foundout that my husband actually had
a pornography addiction, and Ihad no idea at that time what
that meant or what that entailed, or how that affected my

(18:36):
marriage or how it would affectme as his wife.
At the time I was so young Iwas only 21 or 22, yeah, um, so
I was super naive of thesituation on the subject and
it's, um, I just knew that I wasdevastated.
It was devastating, right.

(18:57):
And um, as I learned and askedquestions and dove in a little
deeper, I realized that,ultimately, infidelity had
happened in my marriage, whichto me is like well, obviously,
but that sometimes it doesn'tfeel so obvious.
And I'm three months postpartumand it was.

(19:19):
I felt like, well, maybe, Imean, I had so many thoughts,
right, I was like, well, maybeit's because my body changed,
like that's why he doesn't loveme anymore.
So I mean, I just picked upright where I left off.
I controlled again with noteating.

(19:39):
I was like, okay, well, I guessI just need to be really little
again and he'll love me againlike we can, you're like I'm
familiar with this, I knowexactly what to do.
I can fix this with my body allright, like I it I mean I went
lost, like mentally andphysically it was detrimental.
And I had this.

(20:09):
I had my tiny little baby thatI feel like I couldn't take care
of, I didn't have the energy totake care of, I was not
sleeping.
It was really intense and Ithink the thing that really
shifts, or makes the shift forme, is the times that I'm

(20:32):
sitting in the actual pain ofwhat the experience causes.
Because for me, this kind ofpain, it's not just like I'm
gonna let a few tears slip andit's I'm gonna cry for a minute.

(20:53):
It's like the wailing andgnashing of teeth that you talk
about, like gripping, grippinganything that you can about.
Like ripping, gripping anythingthat you can to feel like your
whole soul is not going to ripapart.
Yeah, um, and it.

(21:13):
I had to get to this pointbecause I didn't realize that
the amount of lust, lustfulexperiences that I had, or the
lustful ideas that I had aboutmy body, I didn't even realize
that that was really pride orthat was a block for me from God
.

(21:34):
It was just like I had to reallybe woken up, you know.

Lily (21:38):
Well, and if that's all you know, like, how do you know
differently?
Like you, really you don't.
So you know differently?
Like it, you really you don't,so you're having to not only
like hit this point, but you'rehaving to completely change
years of thoughts and learnbehavior, which is?
You ask anybody?

Kaila (21:54):
it's not easy realize that you have right, and it
could be because it starts soyoung.
It's so it doesn't it?
Yeah, doesn't feel like aproblem.
It doesn't seem like it'ssomething that I need to even
look at or change Like right,it's ingrained.
Totally, and it's just realityfor me.

(22:15):
Um, I yeah.
So even during this time Ididn't understand that what my
pride was.
I just knew that I I neededsome help.

(22:44):
Like I needed to figure thisout about my husband's
pornography addiction.
I wanted him to just fix it.
It was like, okay, well, thisis kind of what we're saying,
like I wanted him to just fix it.
This is very much his problem,like I don't have a problem
because I, I just don't right,I'm totally I've made myself.

Lily (23:07):
I've made myself so lovable like right and I've made
myself available and all ofthese things like.

Kaila (23:13):
I'm I'm quote-unquote beautiful, I'm faithful, I am.
You know, it's not to lovewhat's not to love exactly,
which is like so naive, but Iwas but it, but it I was young
and right anyway.
So it was very much I felt like, yeah, very much his problem

(23:33):
and um so.
But we started therapy and I,um, I didn't understand they
kept you you need to figure out,you know your part in in this
and I was like I don't again, Idon't have?
I don't know what you're talkingabout.
This is, this is him, um.

(23:53):
But then over time, while wewere in therapy, um, I got more
comfortable because I'm not inlike like.
I was like, okay, he's fixinghimself, quote-unquote, and I am
going to therapy and we'regetting support and going good
again.
I'm not feeling the reallydetrimental, painful experience

(24:20):
anymore, and old habits comeback and I felt like I was
starting to feel really aloneagain and, um, we were
distancing again and, um, Ididn't want to rock the boat, so

(24:41):
to speak.
I didn't want to be like hey,like maybe we should, you know,
go to church more often andmaybe we should read our
scriptures and things that Iknew would help me and had
helped me in the past.
Um, at times, right, and thetimes on that when I felt most

(25:05):
at peace, um, and I felt likethe holy ghost was saying you
are headed for danger and you'regoing the wrong way.
So, but I was, but I would.
Again, I was too scared to liketo the boat.
I didn't want to make him mad.
He would show up in a way thatwas very angry most of the time.

(25:29):
When I did that, right, it tookme about eight months and
hearing about my husband'srelapses and realizing I needed
to really actually figure outwhat they kept saying my art,

(25:49):
what's my part in this?
I needed less.
I needed my body, I needed him,I needed the outward things to
make me happy, to bring my lifejoy, to make my life feel
comfortable, right, and itwasn't working, and I didn't get
why it wasn't working.

(26:10):
Yeah, and I couldn't evenreally verbalize that either at
that time.
I didn't even really understandthat, even that concept.
I just knew that I fell out ofcontrol and I felt like, and I
knew that I wasn't happy rightand um.
So it took me about, um, yeah,eight months of hearing about

(26:42):
relapses and um, and it took methat long to really be like,
okay, I'm doing this.
So, um, the pain I think it'sbecause the pain comes back up
and it became unbearable and um,and in therapy, that's when I
started to figure out okay, whatcan I control?

(27:07):
What is, what is it?
How did I get to this point,basically?
And that's where I figured outthat I was raised to attempt to
control my world with my bodyand people pleasing, my world
with my body and people pleasing, and, and that's when I had to

(27:27):
get out of my just my.
But I had to look inward.
I had to get out of just mywhat I was so used to, how I was
so used to controllingeverything.
I had to look inward and I hadto address I actually, oh, I
actually have low self-esteem.
I actually like don't reallyknow who I am.

(27:48):
And that was kind of shocking alittle bit.

Lily (27:51):
It's hard because you don't realize these things until
you really have to look atyourself and at least for me,
like I didn't even look at, I'dnever look at myself in a mirror
, like that is just.
and when you do that it's scaryand it's hard, and you it's such
new territory that you don'teven know what to do or where to
go and it brings up a whole, awhole other bunch of emotions

(28:13):
that you're like oh well, now Ihave to confront these too
exactly, exactly, just like Ifelt like I was peeling the
onion of myself and you're anogre, you have layers.

Kaila (28:27):
Yes, I have so many layers and it.
It's funny because logicallyit's like, well, yeah, obviously
, but for me being raised sosurfacy, where I just had the
one surface and that's how myworld was like, peeling back the
onion, like that would feel sovulnerable for me and really, um

(28:49):
, really scary and um, I had toto re relearn the lies about
what I learned, about howimportant, you know, my, my body
is to to my experiences and itreally just doesn't.

(29:10):
But I, but I really believethat it did and it still
sometimes feels like it does.
It is, it is a thing in thisworld right now and probably all
the time, but just appearanceand lust and that's how.
That's how satan is working onus.
It attacks, uh, everything andum, so I was learning, I guess

(29:38):
ultimately, it's how, how thedevil was deceiving me
personally, because he deceivesus all in different ways and for
me, that was my biggest one.
I, it was, it's like Satan'sflavor, I think of that.
That I that I was using and um,but I started to to find my

(30:01):
worth as a daughter of God and Idove into my scriptures and
talks and devotionals and reallyI had to learn who God is in
order to learn.
I mean, obviously, how can weunderstand who we are as
children of God if we don't knowwho God is?
So I had to start there how canwe understand who we are as
children of God if we don't knowwho God is?

Lily (30:23):
Exactly.

Kaila (30:25):
So I had to start there, I had to figure out who God is
and I, I remember, I would justI mean, the lake is still my,
I've lived around the lake my mywhole life At least it feels
that way and and so I would go,the lake is my, my peaceful
place and I would go there and Iwould just sit and I would wait

(30:45):
just to see if I could feel hispresence.
Or, you know, I would pray andI did, but in those times,
especially where I felt like hereally was there just sitting on
the dock next to me and I washaving a conversation with a
friend, and obviously he's notthere talking back, but I could

(31:11):
feel answers to my questions, orI could feel just a piece, yeah
, and in figuring out who he is,then I felt like, okay, I am

(31:33):
actually, like I am his daughterand.
I it, I don't it eventually justclicked for me where I was like
that felt more important to methan my outward appearance.
That felt more important to methan trying to be accepted or be

(31:55):
cool or be you know all thesedifferent outward things.
It felt like, okay, if I knowhow divine I am without all of
those things, they really don'thold a lot of weight.
Right, and one of my favoritedevotionals and it will probably

(32:20):
always be my favorite, it's byElder Holland.
He gave it in 1988.

Lily (32:27):
It's called Of Soul Symbols and Sacramentsents I
don't know if you've ever heardof it.
I love that one.
Do you love that?
It's amazing.
Yes, I actually have listenedto that one hear it.

Kaila (32:36):
yeah, every person needs to hear it.
It is the most beautiful,pointed, most I mean it's
because not only is it it'stalking about sexual sin and
lust, but it really hits on howdivine and important each person
soul, spirit, body is Right.

(32:58):
And one quote where he says hesays one of the plain and
precious truths restored to thisdispensation is that the spirit
and the body are the soul ofman and that when the spirit and
body are separated, men andwomen cannot receive a fullness

(33:21):
of joy.
It really rang true to mebecause I focused so much on my
body and kind of just left myspirit high and dry, like very
very undeveloped, so my wholesoul was not being developed, it

(33:42):
was just one part of it,correct, and I was very much in
my natural man state, you know,and, and so realizing that, okay
, I need to feed my soul, sothat's not just my body and I
actually need to, I actuallyneed to feed my body.
You know what I mean.

(34:02):
Like right, you know so.
Like, yeah, sure, I focused onmy body, but like I focused on
it in the wrong way, right,right and what does it?

Lily (34:14):
actually mean to care for your body for your body that
doesn't look nice or making myskin look nice.
It truly is like good nutritionand being outside and moving
your body and in a way that'sembodying and you're rejoicing
in your capabilities of yourbody, but not in like a oh yeah,
everybody, look at me, it'slike no not in a prideful or

(34:36):
shameful way and I feel likethat's where the scales tip,
where it's like you're eitherconnected to the truth right of
of you know who you are, oryou're like feeling better than
somebody, or you're feeling lessthan somebody.

Kaila (34:52):
Right and so to find the balance of like, what is
actually what's feeding myspirit and what's feeding my
body, and and collectively,together, I will be able to be
the closest to god that I can,because I'm taking care of all
of me in in the way that theyneed to be cared for right and

(35:16):
it's like you said, like wedon't, it's so much more than
just how we organize our bodies,like there was somebody who
once told me she was like wespend so much time organizing
our quote-unquote dust.
You know, like our bodies aredust.

Lily (35:35):
Some people just spend their whole lives organizing
their dust and then and then andthen bodies too, to be strong

(35:57):
between our bodies and ourspirits, right exactly yes, um,
so I.

Kaila (36:08):
So, after two years of walking this path, of like
figuring all this out, um, andI'm I'm still learning this
stuff, but I'm I felt like atthis point, um, I'm walking this
path toward Christ and I Irealized after two years that my

(36:29):
husband wasn't, he wasn'tcoming with me on this journey.
He did not choose that, andthat was.
That was another thing initself where I was like, okay,
this is.
I was really tested in puttingmy full trust in God and giving
everything up.

(36:49):
And giving everything up.
I sold my house, I sold my dog,I sold most of my things.
My marriage ended and it wasdevastating.

(37:11):
Once again, another, just kindof blow and consequence to the
choices that I had made, and notI don't say that in like a
shameful way of like I was dumband chose this horrible path for
myself.
It's more just, um, because Iwas deceived as a child and
naturally my choices led me tothis point and I had, I did have

(37:34):
chances to turn towards Christin the quote-unquote easy way
and I just didn't.
So, um, so this was anotherconsequence for me and it was
good for me in that I had toreally put my full yeah, my full

(37:55):
trust in God in taking care ofme and my little two-year-old at
this point yeah um, and it wasscary.
I am back at ground zero and butI have responsibilities and I
didn't have like a lot ofschooling.
I just didn't really know whatI was going to do.

(38:16):
So I did a lot of praying and alot of um, I mean I really
wanted to do it.
Quote, unquote, right, then youknow I wanted because because
the pain, the reminder of thepain, I think it's really
important when you've beenthrough something kind of

(38:37):
traumatic like that, it's reallyimportant to not constantly
live in the pain of it but to um, remember.
It is really important becauseif you don't remember it, it's
really easy to fall back intoold habits, and which is
interesting because I wouldthink you don't want the pain

(38:58):
again, so why, do you go back tothe old habits?

Lily (39:01):
right, like that's something I've had with my own
personal things, but it's true.
It's like we just we just goback to what we're used to,
whether or not it causes pain,and then we're in pain and we're
like, why am I in pain?

Kaila (39:10):
and then we're like, oh, wait a second oh wait, this is
why I've already done thisbefore.
I know it's.
It's that, it's that pridecycle.
I feel like it gets us and umand I, I feel like.
I feel like I was, I was, I wasat the point where I, I was.

(39:33):
I was severely humbled at thatpoint, severely humbled, and it
felt like because even now,stepping out of that, I feel
like you get wrapped up in allmy, my house needs to look
beautiful and my, I don't know,I want all these nice clothes,

(39:55):
right.

Lily (39:55):
My kid needs to look cute.
I don't want my kid to lookcute.

Kaila (39:58):
Yeah, my kid needs to look cute.
Exactly my kid needs to lookcute.
And I got to do all these extracurricular things and I got to
keep up with the Joneses and, ohmy goodness, at that point in
my life especially I was like itjust doesn't matter.
Point in my life especially Iwas like it just doesn't matter.
Yeah, it really truly doesn'tmatter.

(40:18):
Um, because at the end of theday, when it all gets left
behind or you have to give itall up, yep, it's just dust.
It is just dust.
It, that's exactly right, it isjust dust.
And I have on my wall hangingup right now, and because it's a

(40:40):
good reminder for me of where Iwas and how much it's important
to trust God, there's a song Idon't know if you know the song,
but this song is called Oceans.
I think it's by various artists, but I know this song yeah, oh,

(41:09):
it's the walking on water.
It is one of my very favoritesand the quote that he sings, um
over and over.
Or she says spirit, lead mewhere my trust is, without
borders.
Let me walk upon the waterswherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feetcould ever wander and my faith
will be made stronger in thepresence of my savior.
I would listen to that over andover and over.

(41:31):
I was like I need strength andI felt like things just kind of
fell into place for me.
I know he was holding my handthe whole time, he was clearing
me and I was guided and um.

(41:55):
I was guided and um, and I hadto remember.
But I had to remember him inevery step that I took because
if I didn't, I and I justtrusted myself again I would
make choices that started to goback to you know, old habits

(42:16):
like we talked about, and and Ifeel like I've learned since
then that I really I need himevery hour of the day, like the
song, like I truly need himevery hour.
It's not just day.
Like the song, like I truly needhim every hour, it's not just
on Sundays and it's not justonce a day for the 10 minutes

(42:37):
that I decide to read myscriptures right um, I need him
in everything that I do and I'vehad to learn this too because
it gets you get comfortable,even in just um where, where

(43:01):
we're just the, the Sunday,where we're just the, we do the
right things.
Quote, unquote.
We do the right things, butwe're our hearts are not there
correct and um and so when myheart is pointing towards Christ
, or I'm feeling him, or I'mworking on my relationship with
him and not just a check boxright of like, well, I'm doing

(43:24):
all the right things, but I haveto remember that that
relationship is really whatguides me yes, and has guided me
out of out of that situationand and led me to to knowing who
I am.

(43:45):
And ultimately, I learned, too,that I need to fear God more
than man, and I've had to caremore about what God thinks than
what other people think yeah andthe scripture second Nephi 18,

(44:07):
13, sanctify.
I actually read this likeyesterday and I was like, oh,
this is like really what I'vebeen, what I've been thinking
about, but it says sanctify theLord of hosts himself and let
him be your fear and let him beyour dread, which sounds sad,
honestly when you first read ityou're like let him be your fear

(44:29):
and dread like that's not whathe and dread like that's not
what he.
But to me that's like I mean it.
It's that we it.
Well, we care more about whathe thinks than what people think
, and that's ultimately, I meanmy, to put it in really basic

(44:52):
terms, what I had to learn tojust be who I am as a daughter
of God, and after that, not alot really truly matters.

Lily (45:07):
Which you know for the record is still easier said than
done.

Kaila (45:14):
Absolutely.
Oh, oh, my goodness, like Isaid, right, like in the
beginning, it's like I said inthe beginning I have not arrived
I do not know at all and I'mstill, I am still trying to, to
remember these things everysingle day.
And, um, you know the pridecycle, if there's, if, if I

(45:35):
start to get to get to feelprideful again, which has
happened many times in my lifeum, I get, I get a little dose
of pain or a big dose of pain,yeah, and I'm like, okay,
whatever it is, it's gonna bebigger.
Yeah, the prick or the beating,whatever it is, yeah, it's
gonna come and we get to choose.

(45:57):
You know what are we gonna dowith that?

Lily (46:00):
right so yeah, that's so cool, well, and so I know for me
in in my journey throughlearning very similar things as
as you of what the soul actuallyis and where my true worth
comes from I know.

(46:21):
So I have two daughters and.
I know that that has alsoreally kind of shaped and kind
of motivated me to become betterum and so I can teach them.
So I know you, I know you have.
You have still only onedaughter right, or any two boys
I have two.

Kaila (46:39):
I have one son and two daughters okay, two daughters,
okay.

Lily (46:42):
So how do you feel like after these experiences that
you've had?
How has that influenced yourparenting and the way that you
try and I don't know communicatethese to your children like and
boys for the record.
Boys need to know this too.
I just know absolutely.
I am a girl and so I can reallyI can relate to that, that part
of it yeah, but how do you feellike this is now shaping the

(47:07):
way that you interact with yourchildren?
so that they hopefully won'thave to learn the hard way like
you and I have.

Kaila (47:14):
Obviously had to learn.
Oh, my goodness, yes, that'sbeen a huge focus for me.
My daughter, my oldest daughterwell, my youngest daughter is
seven months, so this will come,but my oldest daughter is now
nine and she's already expressedthings like things like, mom,
my stomach is too big, or my youknow.

(47:34):
Really, just when I hear hersay, it is devastating and I
have, I just like, if it werewhen I was little, I would have
gotten yeah, you should probablyeat less cereal.
You know, that's what I wouldhave heard.
Um, but as a but, as a mom nowlearning what I've learned, I
just tell her the.

(47:56):
What I know is that she, likeshe is beautiful.
I tell her that she isbeautiful and that she is so
much more than a body.
And the world likes to label usand label certain things as
attractive or unattractive and,at the end of the day, like you

(48:20):
are I mean I, I say it prettymuch how I said it to you or
like you are a, you are a soul,your value come from.
You know the shape of your body.

Lily (48:33):
Right.

Kaila (48:33):
And I, and to be able to have an open dialogue too with
her, because she needs to knowthat she can have a safe place
with me to come and talk to meabout things like that, because
Satan likes to say me to comeand talk to me about things like
that, because Satan likes tosay you know the those, those

(48:54):
sensitive topics.
Satan's like yeah, don't talk toanybody about that, because
that's that's really vulnerable,like that's not something that
you need to talk about, that'sgood that you're just just know
that your, your stomach is toobig, like.
But but I like, I like to tryand keep an open dialogue with
her and to I just try not tofocus on, you know, physical

(49:19):
stuff too much, because itreally impacted me so much right
and honing in on her where herwork comes from, you know, and I
think sometimes she's like,yeah, but like the disney
princesses, like that is ideal.
You know it's like, well, thatagain, like that is what the

(49:44):
world is going to tell youeverywhere, that this is the
ideal yeah but ask god what theideal is, and he will tell you
right, right and and and and I'myou know I'm responsible to
guide her too, but ultimately weall have to figure it out and
she'll still probably have tolearn hard for sure, which is

(50:07):
but hopefully, hopefully, not inthe way that I did, and if it's
, and if it's, that's the case,that's the case.
But right um, I already feellike, just in the conversations
that I've had with her, in theopen dialogue that we have, yeah
she's already leaps and boundsfarther than I ever was, even as
, like a young, good job, mamathat's where it needs to be.

(50:30):
Which is, I mean, she's justreally receptive.
So I but I see it.
I mean, the kids battle it andshe still battles it.
She will battle it as a younggirl in this day and age, and
boys, my I mean my son's goingto be going to be exposed to it

(50:52):
too, right?

Lily (50:53):
It's not going to be Disney princesses, it's going to
be Flynn Rider, exactly.

Kaila (50:57):
Exactly, totally, totally , and we all.
Comparison is, I mean, acomparison is another form of
lust, but that's, it'severywhere and it's hard not to
do.

Lily (51:17):
So then, if I want to ask one more question that I'm
curious about.

Kaila (51:21):
Totally I love it.

Lily (51:23):
What are some methods or things that you personally have
put into place in order to buildup and rewire your brain?
Because I know for me, I choseyears ago that I am just not
going to listen to certain kindsof music, because I realized

(51:43):
when I listen to certain kindsof music it made me think more
about my body or it made methink you know X, x, y or z
thing that was not good for me.
So what things have youpersonally done to put into
place to kind of help keep youfacing the correct way?

Kaila (52:03):
yeah, so I think what you're talking about is what I
would call boundaries.

Lily (52:08):
So I.

Kaila (52:10):
Yes, that is exactly what I'm talking about.
In my therapy words.
Boundaries are really importantto me, huge, but I had to.
Before I set boundaries inplace, I had to understand what
my shame was Like, the thingsthat I felt like.
Like the things that I feltlike once again, the ways that

(52:36):
Satan talked to me were my quoteunquote shame messages, things
that that I really believed,like, for example, my body is my
worth.
I am not enough if my body isnot X, y and Z.
So that was my biggest shamemessage and so I had to identify
all, and I'm still identifyingthem.
Yeah, but I work on identifyingthe ways that satan is lying to

(53:00):
me and the ways that and whatthey sound like for me
specifically yeah and then I setinto place.
You know boundaries, like youknow certain music that I I mean
, I'm the same way music andmedia are huge and I hardly.

(53:21):
At this point I hardly evenwatch movies, me too.
Um, I hardly.
There's not a lot of music eventhat I love anymore.
I agree, I listen to.
I listen to a lot of music eventhat I love anymore.
I listen to a lot of I try andkeep it uplifting and then

(53:42):
things that keep me safe as faras, like, my behaviors, like if
I feel afraid or I feel like Ineed to control things that I
can't control in my life, thatthose are like big things for me
, I turn.
I turn to God and I I I alsodon't this is recent, but I

(54:08):
don't get on any social mediaanymore.
That's one of the biggestboundaries for me, I guess, uh,
physical boundaries it is yeah,social media has been so
destructive for me and I knowthat and I've identified it and
so it is gone.
Good for you, that's awesome.
No Instagram and that'sextremely recent.

(54:30):
So no Instagram, no Facebook,none of that.
There's so much.
There's so much temptation forme to compare and right um, and
there's just a lot of it.
It numbs you and it's numbed me,and I feel like in the last few
years, I've fallen into a lotof behaviors that I did 10 years

(54:50):
ago where, um, it's just nothealthy for me.
And so to identify the thingsthat are leading you away from
Christ and then to identify thethings that will lead you closer
to him and to set thoseboundaries.
And I, sometimes I'm better atit than other times, but, um, in

(55:15):
that pride cycle, I feel likewhen I'm, if I am choosing pride
, and then there's pain, andthen I'm like, oh crap, okay, I
really need to, I need to bemore aware and and uh, yeah,
boundaries they're veryimportant, very, very important.

Lily (55:32):
Awesome, that's so cool.
Well, do you have any otherfinal thoughts before you just
leave us with a testimony?

Kaila (55:40):
I don't think so.
I think I can leave you with mytestimony, though, that I know
that the worth of every soul isgreat in the sight of God, and I
know that we were born withevery bit of worth that we will

(56:01):
ever need, and that our job isto stay humble and open to God's
plan for us, um, and I knowthat he has a deep love for
every one of us and he's alwaysthere, ready to guide us through
any challenge and anyconsequence, and fear and

(56:23):
confusion and pain, and I knowthat true joy is not of the
things of this world, but of thethings of God, and I say that
in the name of Jesus Christ,amen.

Lily (56:42):
Amen Well, thank you for your time tonight.
It was awesome.

Kaila (56:49):
Thank you for the opportunity tonight and it was,
it was awesome, thank you forthe opportunity.

Lily (56:52):
Thanks again for tuning into More Than Coincidence,
Remembering Jesus Christ in yourStory.
Please follow us on socialmedia or share us with a friend.
If you have an experience you'dlike to share, feel free to
reach out tomorethancoincidencerememberhim
at gmailcom.
I can't wait to hear all of theamazing memories you all have
of our Savior.

(57:12):
See you next time.
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