September 24, 2023 • 44 mins
Ever thought about how the journey to self-discovery and growth plays an integral role in shaping our personal relationships? Ponder no more, as in our latest episode, we sit down with Troy, a retired certified dating and relationship coach turned enthusiast, whose insights will leave you re-examining your approach to relationships. After a fulfilling career as a coach, Troy has dedicated his time to helping individuals better understand their desires and needs in their relationships.
We explore the realm of self-discovery and personal growth in relationships. Troy emphasizes the need for awareness of our actions and the impact they have on our personal journey. He also sheds light on the significance of reality checks within our circles of friends and how they help us grow.
Tune in as he shares valuable nuggets on the importance of self-esteem, the pitfalls of dating out of loneliness, and the necessity of knowing what you genuinely want in a relationship. Trust us, this episode is a transformational journey worth embarking on!
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More About Troy: Troy has held a position as an official staff writer for the award-winning website BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com where he was the recipient of the “WRITER OF THE YEAR” and “WRITERS CHOICE AWARD.” Troy also has had the pleasure of writing for celebrity matchmaker Paul C. Brunson, has had his work featured in JET Magazine Online, and was chosen to be a guest blogger for the Steve Harvey Act like a Success Conference.
Troy’s mission is simple: to inspire individuals to first become better people so that they can become better mates, create better relationships, and ultimately help to build better communities. He is a firm believer in the fact that you must live life intentionally and on purpose!
Connect with Troy via: Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Chantée Christian (00:04):
Hello good people.
This is Chantée Christian, andyou are listening to the My Best
Shift Podcast.
In today's episode, Troy and Italk about how it all starts
(00:25):
with you.
Hi, Troy, how are you doingtoday?
What's going on?
How are you?
I'm doing well.
Thank you for joining me on mypodcast.
Troy Spry (00:47):
Thank you for having me.
I appreciate it.
I love to talk to the goodpeople.
Chantée Christian (00:51):
Yes, and so, before we get too far in, why
don't you tell the people alittle bit about yourself?
Troy Spry (00:56):
Yes, my name is Troy Spry.
I am what I like to call aretired certified dating and
relationship coach turnedrelationship enthusiast, so
that's really my title now.
I'm a speaker, I'm an author,as well as a book teaching how
to love.
All that you don't know willhurt you, and really I built a
movement around creating healthyrelationships between men and
(01:16):
women, that's dope, that's dope.
Chantée Christian (01:20):
And so, like what made you say you know what
I want to be a relationshipenthusiast.
Troy Spry (01:26):
Yeah, sometimes purpose just happens before you
even know it's there.
So, like, growing up, I wasalways the guy writing poems and
letters to my friends,girlfriends, for them.
And then I became the guy thatcame to for like relationship
advice about stuff.
Like we were young this is likeyoung, like high school, right.
(01:46):
People ask, like, what should Ido?
Why should I do it?
Blah, blah, blah.
So.
But I've always been a writer,you know, at heart, and so all
he said I was going to write abook.
So I started blogging back inlike 2011 or so, okay, and in my
blog my first blog ever wascalled a mother's love and then
after that, I just startedwriting about relationship
topics, like stuff I was seeingand hearing about like every
(02:09):
single day, and the blog juststarted picking up and so my
people started like writing mepersonally, asking for advice.
Oh, why do you ask me foradvice?
I'm your body, right.
And then I realized I was likeit must be something here, yeah,
and then, and then one day I'mgonna tell you I just met a guy
online.
He's big in the space.
I was named Stefan speaks.
(02:29):
Yeah, like one of my mentors,for you might play.
He's the person who taught mehow to get certified, how to
build my platform, all thosethings, and the rest is history.
I started writing for bigpublications, so I write my book
and now we're here.
So that's kind of like thejourney of it all, but what
ultimately made me want to getinto it was I really just had
desire to see people have betterrelationships, healthier
(02:51):
relationships, Because you knowonly I don't know if you know
how it is, but if you ever seeunhealthy relationships or you
had to like live in it, yeah andI realized like, hmm, I must
rather people be happier.
Yeah, healthy relationshipsgoing to deal with the mess.
That's unhealthy, and so that'sreally what it is for me.
And so I always tell peopleit's a long-winded answer, but I
(03:11):
always tell my mission is verysimple it's better people,
better mates, betterrelationships and better
communities.
That's what I believe All of itcomes together when you get
better relationships.
Chantée Christian (03:21):
Yeah, that's dope, because as soon as you
started explaining it, itreminded me of like oh so you're
the original hitch.
Troy Spry (03:29):
I take it, I take it, except I don't match people.
I do not match people becausethat is, let me tell you, that's
a task, right?
I would not match people.
Chantée Christian (03:41):
I love that.
I love that.
It's so crazy that I feel likeso often we don't realize our
purpose in like their littleseas that get dropped.
And so to know that you havebeen writing for people back in
high school, right, and then nowyou are still writing for
people, but just at a differentlevel, and so I think that
that's is when it comes fullcircle and you can see it.
(04:03):
You know, yeah.
Troy Spry (04:06):
You're like you were being prepared all along.
You didn't even realize it.
Chantée Christian (04:09):
Yeah, yeah, that's dope.
So let me backtrack for asecond.
So you're also a coach.
So when you think about likerelationship coaching and
helping people move out of theirown way I read his bio y'all
and so when you think about that, what is something that you
(04:32):
would say that you see peoplestruggle with the most when
they're in their own way?
Troy Spry (04:38):
Oh man, that's a good question and I'll tell you, the
thing I see the most is peopledon't really know what they want
.
They think they know what theywant.
Well, you start asking themreal detailed, deep questions
about what it is they trulydesire.
They can't really tell you.
So if you're out on a datingscene, right, and you are trying
to find D1, but you don't knowwhat the one looks like or what
(05:00):
the relationship should feellike, or what it should do for
you, what kind of values shouldadd for you, what values you
have that you should share withsomeone else, when you can't
identify that stuff, how do youchoose the right spouse?
You know, yeah, like legit,that's like foundational right.
So foundationally people don'tknow what they want.
And then the other part of it isa lot of people really don't
(05:22):
have real self-esteem.
People talk like they flex alot on the gram.
You know they say they havebehind their degrees, they have
behind their accomplishment.
But when it comes tointerpersonal relationships,
people struggle, people struggleand they think they are more
confident than they really are.
Because what I see is peopledate from a place of loneliness.
(05:44):
A lot.
It's like this lonely place,this fearful place, and so you
get usually get bad results whenyou do that right Always.
I see those are like some ofyour top issues that I see
pretty consistently.
We talk about accomplishedpeople.
You look on paper, they resumeit, but when it comes to people
they fail in all the tests.
Chantée Christian (06:05):
Yeah, and that's interesting because
that's one of the things that Itell my clients is that
typically, I focus more so oncareer leadership, executive
coaching.
We end up doing life right,because who you are in one space
is who you are in all spaces,and it just ends up manifesting.
It might look a littledifferent, but they don't know
what they want in their career.
(06:26):
They don't know what they wantin dating.
They don't know what they wantin their partner, but they know
that their partner ain't doingwhat they want.
You hit the nail on the headand I'm like well, okay, let's
back this up.
Have you articulated to themthat you didn't like XYZ?
Well, they should know it.
Troy Spry (06:44):
They should know it, Just like their job should know
that they want to get promotedright and I'm like, oh, that's
new, so you want they shouldknow me enough.
Chantée Christian (06:53):
Do you know you enough?
Do you know you enough?
You're preaching, yeah, becauseI feel like the more people
talk about relationships withothers, they're not really in
tune with who they are and like,at a core, just who am I?
And so, like you said, whenthey go out on the dating scene
they're like, oh, I want the one.
(07:15):
And I'm like, hold on, justdefine that.
You want the one for right now,you want the one that's going
to get you through this season,you want the one that's going to
meet you at your new season.
Or are you talking about yourforever, ever, ever, ever, ever,
because forever seemed like along time.
I ain't gonna lie.
So are you?
Troy Spry (07:32):
And then it breeds, like this breeding ground for
unrealistic expectations.
Oh, yes, right, and so, likeevery one has got these
expectations that are here andyou don't even know where they
came from you can't it came fromTik Tok or Instagram told you
should have that expectation andit's like they don't live your
life, right.
So it's just these things likethis that just they bother me,
(07:55):
which is why I like to talk topeople about this stuff, because
we got to challenge each otherto be better in this area.
Chantée Christian (08:02):
Yeah, and it's always a question of well,
where did you get that and doesit belong to you?
And if it does, does it stillserve you now like it serves you
when you picked it up Right?
And then, like social media,has people really really, really
(08:22):
jacked up Like Jack, they gotme jacked.
Troy Spry (08:27):
In my intro you heard me say retired coach, right?
Yeah and and the reason I saythat is because I've gotten to a
space where I Want to do moreand reach more people with with
less one-on-one work.
But at the same time, one ofthe things that I just got so
tired of Was the inauthenticityof people number one but then
(08:48):
number two, the, the blame game,the gender war that's going on
out here and People wanting tocall me to vent about the other
sex and all the other kind ofstuff.
I'm just like, yeah, that's notwhat I'm here for.
Yeah right, I'm not somerelationship enthusiast like I
study relationships all day.
Yeah right, I love the concepts, I love what the data say on
(09:09):
all this kind of stuff, but it'sa one-on-one, just coaching.
I still coach client to.
I had in the past.
Chantée Christian (09:16):
Yeah.
Troy Spry (09:16):
I'm not necessarily taking a lot of new.
Chantée Christian (09:18):
Yeah, yeah, that means don't call him when
you see him out there.
Don't be reaching out in hisDMs.
Talk about you want him tocoach you, because it ain't
happen.
Troy Spry (09:27):
As of 2023.
It ain't happen.
We can find another way to getyou the information you need.
Chantée Christian (09:32):
Yeah, and I think that that's legit and I
think that that's importantabout understanding your
boundaries and Exercising themright, because so often, just
because and I think that thisgoes across the board Is that
just because you're good atsomething doesn't mean that
that's where you want to spendyour energy.
It doesn't mean that's whereyou want to spend your time, and
(09:52):
it doesn't mean you have to.
You get to decide.
Troy Spry (09:56):
Yeah, I get to.
I mean to me, like now I'm inthis space of I know I'm more
than just that, like one of thethings I'm working on.
My friend of mine, we'reworking on a podcast now I'm
gonna have to get you tomotivate me to do it.
You can actually get my workdone.
But but it's called trail andTroy unleashed.
(10:17):
Okay, right, so like TNTunleashed.
The keyword is unleashed andI'm trying now to get into the
more authentic space when I'munleashed from just the boundary
of being a relationship guy.
Chantée Christian (10:29):
Yeah.
Troy Spry (10:30):
Yeah, I got so much more offer the world that I
think I can impact in a biggerway versus just being like oh,
that's the relationship guy yeah, yeah.
Chantée Christian (10:39):
So I'm gonna take an opportunity and say
we're gonna take out the wordtry.
We're gonna do it.
You're gonna do it, yeah, andNot just you think you are more
than a relationship guy.
You are.
Yeah, language matters.
You're right, language mattersbecause you just articulated for
a whole 10 minutes right abouthow you're more than just about
(11:04):
Relationships and relationshipshave all the nuances and all the
things.
But you offer more than that,right as the author, as a
speaker, right as an enthusiast,and so go do the damn thing go
do it.
Troy Spry (11:21):
That's what it is, I think you know.
One of the spaces I want toexplore is how do I help people
master all types ofrelationships?
Yeah, yeah, they're not justlike romantic ones, because
those become like a reflectionof, like you said, a lot of
other things.
How about the one you have withyourself?
That's the biggest one.
Well, that's the one we skipalways.
(11:42):
We skip that one.
Why?
Everything else, all the part.
And then we have thesefriendships that are all screwed
up, and then we have familyrelationships that are just a
Mesh.
You find something white tothrow at you.
We all a mess and we're likewhy is this happening?
So we gotta have more authenticconversation around it.
Chantée Christian (12:01):
No, like that is so, so true, and so often we
forget where the commondenominator.
And then it's like oh, look atwhat they did.
Hold up, not to say that whatthey did couldn't have been
different, but how'd you show upin this space, how did you
contribute to it?
I Remember it's been almost twoyears ago now but my dad and I
(12:23):
were having this conversation.
He picked me up from theairport in Charlotte.
We were driving home, I'd justgone through a breakup and he
was like well, what reallyhappened?
And I told him.
I said you know, there came apoint where I looked at myself
in the mirror and I was like whoare you, mmm Cuz?
(12:44):
I wasn't showing up as like mein the house, but outside,
everywhere else I was, and I waslike what is happening right
now?
And it got to the point where Iwasn't even frustrated with him
anymore.
It was like you don't even knowme because I haven't allowed
you to know me and I had to godo a lot of work.
Well, I was ready to go jumpback in this cesspool of dating
(13:06):
because I was like Hmm, justlike how you started off.
Right, I knew what I wanted fromother people, but I couldn't
confirm what I needed for myself, mm-hmm.
And it was just like, well, howcan I?
I'm out here telling my clientsto go do this and go do that,
and then here I am at home, noteven recognizing who I am.
Troy Spry (13:29):
I happen, all the time, you know me, thumbs up.
I have to check myself onsomething I shouldn't have done
in my marriage that I'm justtold somebody else not to do.
I live probably once a weekwhere I'm sitting there like I
know I just had a conversationwith somebody and I'm doing the
exact same thing, but at leastI'm conscious.
(13:50):
Right, I'm conscious and I cancatch it.
Yeah, yeah, that's the bottomto me.
Chantée Christian (13:56):
It is and it goes along with.
Once you're aware of something,you can make a conscious
decision about how to move, andThen you become into the space
of accepting it, which one wayor another right.
And that's so true because alot of times people are
unconscious, mm-hmm out heremaking wild and reckless
decisions, mm-hmm, and thenupset at the consequences that
(14:17):
have come along with those wildand reckless decisions.
And we're not I'm not talkingabout just you know any Joe snow
.
I'm talking about some reallyAcculated, loaded people.
Troy Spry (14:27):
Absolutely.
And you look up you're like,how did you do that?
We realized a lot of times thepeople around them never made
them conscious, never, becausethose are the worst people.
A lot of times, because peoplelook up to them, yep, so much
that they never call them on.
Now they need to be consciousabout so.
Chantée Christian (14:43):
They're like, they think they're it's don't
think and it's really real thing, you know and that's why, when
you said friendships, I'm like,listen, I have worked with so
many clients about these circlesof friends that they have and
I'm like, alright, let's thinkabout how real these people are
with you.
Hmm, I yeah, it's the thingsyou complain it about.
(15:04):
You haven't called one of yourfriends to say that and they no
one checked you like.
Not one person Said yo, youisland?
Yeah, not one person.
You need new friends.
Troy Spry (15:14):
Yeah.
Chantée Christian (15:16):
Some is wrong with your circle, your
community that you have built isto build up your ego, Not
realizing you got to get realitychecks.
Often you know, and I'm likeone thing I can my family.
I love them dearly but theydon't mind checking you or your
ego or anything else along theway.
Troy Spry (15:34):
There you go, that's what you need.
You're like that's what falseis growth, right it?
Chantée Christian (15:37):
fosters growth.
As I was younger, I didn'tappreciate it, always got
something to say why is yourbusiness?
As an adult, I'm like you needpeople around you who Support
you and have enough care aboutyou to check you.
Troy Spry (15:57):
Yeah, absolutely, I had a.
There was a person that I'mdoing the podcast with the last
party.
Two, three years.
You've become one of thosefriends for me, right, because
you know, when you're the expertor whatever you supposed to be
with, you know People are gonnachallenge you in this way.
So you spend so much of yourenergy Challenging them.
Yeah that you don't have thatspace for somewhere.
(16:18):
You really want it.
I think I started to desire itlike Somebody gotta help me get
better in some way or another,and he started being that person
for me.
Yeah, we kind of said, okay, wegot something here.
We should really startsomething and have these kind of
conversations out loud yeah,it's to having conversations out
loud part.
Chantée Christian (16:36):
So, like I had no desire doing a podcast
Like at all.
It was never top of my list ofthings to do, or like on top 10,
2030 or 50.
However, in 2020, after GeorgeFloyd was murdered, I wanted to
have open conversations with mycommunity of black Executive.
(16:59):
You know leadership friendsthat we were having behind
closed doors Because I went to apredominantly white university
for undergrad and graduateschool.
I worked in and have worked ina predominantly white male
Industry and so I'm like sowho's hearing us talk?
Troy Spry (17:17):
Each other.
Chantée Christian (17:19):
Right, and that's not where the power
dynamic lies, right?
So we talking about change andthose sorts of things, what does
that look like?
And so I started thisconversation called the unspoken
truths of being black inAmerica, being black in
education, the workforce, etc.
And I was like who?
We did our first one and ouronly one, I'm done.
(17:39):
And people like, oh, you got todo it again, what's the next
one?
I was like, uh-huh, the nextone.
You know how hard it was to getthese four people on this thing
at this time.
Y'all hi, there's no way.
And then I was like, all right,I guess we could do it until
December and see how it rolls.
And then they were like, oh,you should make it a podcast.
I was like, not now, y'alltripping, I'm not making it
(17:59):
apart.
Then I was like, well, if I dida podcast, what it looked like?
I was like there's no way, I'mgonna take the effort to
coordinate for people's schedule, including my schedule, trying
to get everyone on at once, butI would do one-on-ones to talk
about Things that we typicallywouldn't talk about, right?
(18:20):
And so, like the first coupleof seasons were friends, where I
was like, hey, listen.
Troy Spry (18:23):
So I need you.
I need you to come get on thecouch.
I need you.
Chantée Christian (18:30):
I need you, right, and we talk about
communities.
That's why, right, because mycommunity Asked for it, but also
my community supported it,right?
I mean that they were like,well, hold on, let's see what
you gonna talk about, what'sgonna be what.
I'm like, oh Lord.
But we worked it out to a pointwhere I was like I feel good
about this, I feel good aboutputting my name behind it, and
(18:53):
I'm like, if only four peopleever listen to it, I'm okay with
that too.
That's it All right, cuz I'mlike, well, you gonna listen to
it.
You gonna be like, oh, that wasa dope conversation, but I'm
okay one way or another.
Troy Spry (19:06):
You weren't doing it for clicks, right?
You just doing it to have theconversation.
Chantée Christian (19:09):
No, I mean for brick.
I didn't tell nobody, like ifpeople were like just Google you
and you got a pocket and then Ihad to go work on that.
But you know, it was just, Iwasn't doing it for them.
It became a thing for me.
Troy Spry (19:23):
Yeah.
Chantée Christian (19:24):
Yeah, and then it came a thing for me, and
then my close group and myclose community and then it was
like okay, well, I don't mindsharing it out there with the
people is out there, yeah.
Troy Spry (19:35):
No, no long conversations matter, though.
I mean I had to learn that too.
Like you know, God gave me aplatform.
I mean it's not huge, right,but it's big enough, right, it's
big enough to have a he's beingreal modest.
Chantée Christian (19:46):
Yeah, maybe a real modest.
Troy Spry (19:48):
What I say is gonna matter to people.
Yeah, then I get me recklessabout what I'm saying.
Yeah, and I gotta let peopleknow it's there.
I used to be so shy, like youat first, about like Promoting
something or put it out there orhaving kind of that imposter
syndrome where you're like whoam I to be saying this though?
Yeah, then you start to realizeyou actually help way more
people than if you kept itprivate preach.
(20:11):
Yeah, I'm not sorry about it atall anymore.
Yeah.
Chantée Christian (20:16):
I was telling some.
I literally, I think maybe lastweek or week before last, I had
posted something around One ofthe two books that I have, and
so sometimes I forget that theyare Amazon best-selling books.
And Then when somebody findsout because I typically don't
tell my client, if they don'tread my bio, then they ain't
gonna know, because I'm notstarting off with and hello, my
(20:38):
name is shanty Christian.
I'm Amazon.
No, I don't.
We're not here to talk about me, we're here to talk about you.
And so when they find out andthey're like oh, I bought your
books, I want you to sign them.
I'm like what, y'all can't seeme by?
Just put my hoodie on like whoa.
But and I put the I posted that.
You know, something that I'vebeen constantly working on is
(21:01):
take up the space and is therefor a reason, and People enjoy
the books because of it'ssomething in it that resonated
with them, right, and so Justget over it and do it.
Troy Spry (21:18):
Here's the thing if you don't take up the space when
someone is gonna take it over,be louder but be more reckless
yeah, then I'm starting to see alot of that and like the
relationship space, where it'sjust like there are people in
the space that are just recklessand very Toxic to the community
.
Yeah, but, but that's becausewhat they're doing it from is a
(21:39):
place of clicks and and viewsand it's money driven right, you
can tell it.
I mean, it's almost like it'svery obvious, right.
Whenever people are thatextreme in their view on things,
you're like, I know what thisis about for you, but those are
the people to get the mostattention.
So I'm gonna give the people atleast a small space where they
can come and get some light,extra reality.
Chantée Christian (22:01):
Yeah, and I, you know it's funny you say that
because for the longest Ididn't want to say I was a coach
of Any sort, I don't care whatyou put in front of it, behind
it, around it or beside itbecause I was like these social
media coaches, mm-hmm, I'm like,I'm crazy.
I was like where did you go getcertified?
Because I'm a hundred percentsure you also are not.
(22:21):
I see, if certified you haven'tgone through any sort of like.
I mean, coaching is notlicensed, right.
However, you went to like ahalf a day you, you click the
click, the click the click andgot this certification.
A little judgey, I understand,but I meant it because I'm like,
where you can't tell peoplethat you advise them to do that,
(22:42):
wow okay, wow, that's the keyword.
Troy Spry (22:46):
Wow, I'm like, and people latch on to it, though,
because a lot of times, what I'mlearning is so some of these
coaches Online, right, theyspeak to the most broken pieces
of the yeah, yeah, right, andwhen you speak to that broken
piece all the time, you can getlots of followers.
Absolutely right, and you canget lots of attention.
(23:06):
Yeah, but I think it'sdetrimental to the progress of
the culture.
Chantée Christian (23:11):
Yeah Well, because it's not authentic.
Mm-hmm right and and it's not tosay that people don't resonate
with those things truthfully butit doesn't come from a space of
healing.
It's like I remember, like inthe in the late 90s well, early
90s but everybody wanted to be arapper, everybody wanted to be
(23:35):
like Tupac and be like Biggieand all the things then hot boys
, everybody wanted to be aversion of something.
But even thinking about singers, there were singers that have
been promoted in the industrybecause of their celibacy, but
not necessarily their voiceright and what they had to offer
(23:55):
.
And when I think about whatsocial media has done to
coaching, relationship coaching,life coaching, all of the
coaching I feel like it's thesame way and people say, oh,
it's a coach, oh no, and I'mlike hold on, hold on, hold on,
oh right, like even right beforewe got on the call I was doing
a one-on-one and she was like,yeah, I seen this coach on
Instagram and I, like a piece ofme just Crumbled on the inside.
(24:19):
I was like, please don't tellme.
But then I was like but I'm acoach on Instagram.
Troy Spry (24:23):
Yeah well, you're in the same space, right?
So I mean, yeah, it does hityou.
You know you have that realitycheck, right.
You're like people might besaying that about me.
But then I go back to does itfeel authentic for me?
Yeah, Right, and do I feel goodabout the work I'm doing?
Yeah and I can open my Instagramor, I think, talk, whatever,
and be like I feel good aboutthis work.
(24:43):
Yeah, I feel like it'simpactful work.
I don't feel like it's creatingarguments.
Yeah, it may make you laughevery once in a while yeah, but
it's not like there to createthis tension between men and
women.
Chantée Christian (24:55):
Yeah, it's not productive, it's not, it's
not and it's not conducive, likeI remember going out on a date
with this guy.
He was a Kevin Samuel'sfollower yeah, he says something
to me and it just ignited thislike heat in my body and I was
like where did you get that?
(25:15):
And I was like come from aspace of curiosity, shanty.
Come from a space of curiosity.
I'm like where did you get thatideology?
He was like well, kevin Sam was.
I was like yo, he pays yourbills.
Like we, the two of us, aresitting here in this space right
now You're gonna quote someonewho was also not married, you
(25:39):
know, but and?
And he was so staunch in thebelief where I was like no, this
is real.
Like this is real and I hadseen it on social media but I
had never experienced it inperson, you know.
And I was like, yo, this, thisis different.
Troy Spry (25:55):
It's like politics, right.
It's like the polarizationcells right.
But we all know like smartpeople they recognize the answer
to most things in the middlesomewhere.
The moderates are probably thebest people to be running a
country, right, right, people inthe middle, right.
Well, the extreme people onlywanted to get attention because
(26:15):
they can polarize the community.
Chantée Christian (26:17):
Yeah.
Troy Spry (26:18):
So when those people like the Kevin Samulites or
what's the other end of thispicture?
I forget her name Cynthia.
Cynthia G, oh yeah, on thewomen's life, these polarizing
figures that have you literallymad, at the same people you want
.
Chantée Christian (26:32):
Say that part one more time.
Troy Spry (26:35):
They literally have you mad at the same people you
desire to be with.
Like how does it make sense?
Make it make sense.
It don't the math don't maththe math, don't math.
And then you go on a date witha lovely woman Right.
And now you?
Because you can't even thinkthrough how you're being
brainwashed.
You can't even have a genuineconversation that's curious
(26:57):
about her and how y'all couldfit together.
Chantée Christian (26:59):
No, if it was , it was, and we had a
significant age difference, andso I was like, oh, this guy is
more mature, he's, you know.
And then when he hit me, I waslike, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, let's back this up.
I was like, oh, I got more workto do.
That's like I'm not ready forthis.
I'm like, actually, I don'tlike this right.
Troy Spry (27:22):
Yeah, I don't want to be a part of this.
Chantée Christian (27:25):
Yeah, this is not the person I want to be
with and the person I want to bein community with.
Right like just much choiceperspective, but I feel like
social media portrays so muchthat people also see they're a
perfect couple.
Everything's great over there.
Listen, if if y'all don't takeanything else from anything I've
(27:46):
ever said.
There is no perfect couple zero, zero perfect couples.
Troy Spry (27:52):
You show me a perfect couple.
They can't be human like legit.
Like not gonna work.
Chantée Christian (27:58):
No, I mean, even animals have Disagreements
and arguments.
If you watch anything on on thewild, yeah.
Troy Spry (28:08):
So then again, it breeds Unrealistic expectation.
I think that's one of thebiggest reasons that the
marriage rates are what they are.
The divorce rates are what theyare.
Even married people aren't.
Married.
People are not.
They're not very honest withsingle people About what
marriage looks like.
So think about that if no one'sever been honest with you about
it and you get into it and it'sreally not exactly what it
(28:30):
looked like on Instagram.
That's why you see these oneand two-year marriages.
And then people are out.
They're like oh, you don't makeme happy anymore.
Mm-hmm, I ain't feeling, youknow more.
Oh, we grew apart or theystopped being able to do the
honeymoon thing, yeah, andthey're taking the trips.
And then, when life start, lifeand an adulting started, don't
think and now you like, oh, I'mnot a handle.
This only had a skill to handlethis.
Chantée Christian (28:52):
Yeah.
Troy Spry (28:53):
Long term things.
So I go to someone else and Istart over.
So to me, like, married peopletend to do single people at this
service with a marriage, butalso with the way they talk
about marriage.
So what I mean by that is mosttimes married people are only
talking about marriage in anegative way and they'll
downplay it.
They'll be like, oh yeah, sheon my nerves or oh, my man, he
(29:16):
just this and he's yeah Alwayssay, but why they still there?
Right, there's a reason they'restill there.
But I always try to tellmarried folks like, if you don't
been about something, youbetter counter it with some
positive yeah right, yeah,that's not good either.
They like that's a, that's a.
You know, that's a hot buttonfor me.
Chantée Christian (29:37):
It is legit, though, and I feel like if we
put this Just a plug for theshow, if we put this to all the
ships right, mm-hmm, like Ithink about my clients who
aren't 30 yet or approaching 30.
Mm-hmm, they're going throughthis life crisis of Not being
where they thought they would be.
(29:57):
Mm-hmm by 30.
Mm-hmm.
Looking at people on Instagramgoing on trips, buying houses,
getting cars, getting married,having kids, all the things.
Mm-hmm, when they have no ideawhat's happening behind that
camera.
Troy Spry (30:13):
Oh God, they got a loan on going that trip.
Chantée Christian (30:17):
Right, they could have taken pictures from
somebody else's trip, I mean.
And at the end of the day, isthat even what you want?
There you go Like, is thatactually what you want?
Yeah, that might have been whatyou wanted, right.
But when you talk about unlessrealistic expectations we put,
we as a people put unrealisticexpectations on ourselves and
(30:38):
then are extremely disappointedand frustrated when they don't
come to pass.
But there was no agreement onit, right.
So, like I hate the wordexpectation so much because
typically, if you had anexpectation of me, you didn't
articulate it to me and I didn'tagree to it, but I went and did
something outside of theexpectation, you're upset.
Troy Spry (30:59):
Yeah, you, it's your fault that you upset the amount
of clients I used to get likethat, like I mean, like what you
said is like they will havethese like grand expectations,
like he should be doing thisthree times a week before times.
I said you know that and mosttimes they don't.
They haven't communicatedanything, they just like sitting
(31:20):
there stewin to get mad.
Yeah, a resentful yes, we likeready to call it off, I and I'm
like dang, did you have aconversation about that?
No, oh, I don't know.
That stuff bothers me.
It bothers me Because we'rewhole adults.
Everybody's growing into.
It becomes time to communicate,right.
Chantée Christian (31:40):
Because, when you think about it, who taught
us how to communicate inrelationships?
Troy Spry (31:45):
Yeah, usually a parent.
It usually didn't communicateRight.
Yep, I get it Right.
Chantée Christian (31:51):
And I'm a com major and I'm still struggling.
Troy Spry (31:55):
Let me tell you the thing we have that's so
different now, though, is wehave so much more access to
information, right, yes, and wehave really no excuse to be able
to find something out If it'snot feeling right, if it's not
going right.
People ask me a simple question.
I'm like did you Google it?
Google is your friend, and mosttimes, I'm like, oh, I'm like
(32:16):
yeah, and then one articlebrings you to another, which
brings you to another video, andnow you're all the same.
You got a couple ofcommunication skills, yeah, but
you got to know that you'relacking in it.
Because that's what we said,right People not being willing
to tell you.
Chantée Christian (32:31):
Right.
People not willing to tell youand you not having enough
self-awareness to say, hmm, thiscould be me, it could be me, it
could be me.
Troy Spry (32:45):
I got a whole chapter in my book called it's Not them
as you, oh, and let me tell you, if people read that one,
they're like, yeah, you calledme out, because a lot of times
that's what it is, and I wentthrough the same journey.
It's not like.
This is abnormal.
Chantée Christian (32:59):
Yes.
Troy Spry (33:00):
You're a born selfish being.
It doesn't feel good to knowyou're not good at something or
to be at fault for something.
It doesn't feel good, no.
So no one's walking aroundsaying, hey, let me see what's
wrong with me today.
But emotionally mature people,mentally mature people,
understand that you have tochallenge your own thoughts and
your own process.
Chantée Christian (33:18):
Yeah, yeah, that's good.
One of my favorite.
Well, let me be clear I don'treally like to read books, but I
like to listen to them, so oneof my favorite books, though, is
the Four Agreements Mm-hmm.
Troy Spry (33:32):
Mm-hmm, I know it.
I don't think I've read theCliff.
Chantée Christian (33:35):
Notes for it.
Oh, and the whole thing is aCliff Note, but it's like I
don't even think it's 100 pages,but I read it at least twice a
year Because as a only child Irealize that sometimes it's not
always about me.
Oh, really you know you figuredit out.
(33:55):
I had to figure it out.
I had to figure it out the hardway because at home it wasn't
like that Right.
Ooh.
And I also realized that,because of the assumptions I
would make based off of it beingall about me, I was creating
these grand stories abouteverything, whether it be at
(34:17):
work, whether it be at home, ina friend group, and I had to
keep checking myself.
I'm like why, why, what is?
this and I was like, oh, it's me, it's you, it's all you.
Ok, but that book I swear theyshould give me some sort of
credits, because there is alwaysa point with all of my clients.
(34:37):
I have yet to have one that Ihave not referred to one of
those agreements.
Most of the time it's agreementnumber two.
Troy Spry (34:46):
Don't take anything personally.
Chantée Christian (34:48):
Yep.
Troy Spry (34:49):
That's the one.
Chantée Christian (34:51):
Because so often if someone did something
to us oh, they don't like meyeah, they probably didn't even
realize you were in the roomwhen they walked past you.
Troy Spry (35:02):
Didn't?
Oh man, I used to like that allthe time.
Chantée Christian (35:06):
They didn't respond to your email.
You know what?
They probably haven't seen it.
It could have went to junk,like a million things.
Or they saw it and said I'mgoing to get back to it when
they have an opportunity.
There you go.
Their lack of response is notyou.
Troy Spry (35:21):
People do that all the time on the job search,
right On the job search.
They take it so personal.
Oh, they didn't write me backwhen I sent them my LinkedIn
message.
They got a million LinkedInmessages.
They probably ain't checked itin five days and maybe you
didn't communicate well enoughto what they wanted to call you
back.
Chantée Christian (35:38):
It's a gazillion different reasons why
they have not.
Yeah.
Troy Spry (35:43):
So look, can't take everything personal.
Chantée Christian (35:45):
You can't take it personal Right and it's
like people are like oh, I'mlike maybe read all four, but
it's just.
But it's the but, it's therealization that it's not
actually about you.
Troy Spry (36:01):
Look.
This translates to dating allthe time.
Say so yeah, and dating peopleget people quit dating because
one person didn't call them back, or one person went ghost on
them, or they got a message intheir Bumble app that they
didn't like and they're like.
I'm done with this.
I'm not good enough for thesepeople or why they do this to me
(36:24):
and I'm like it's not thatserious, it's not.
It's not that you didn't investanything, they just didn't call
you back.
I can give you a number.
It's okay.
They probably had a girlfriendor they had something else going
on and realized it couldn't putthe effort into you or whatever
it is.
Now, if you've been bested fora long time, then I get that
(36:45):
right.
Chantée Christian (36:46):
I don't even get it, then, because if you're
present enough to accept thateach experience is exactly what
it's supposed to be, when it'ssupposed to be or where it's
supposed to be, and someoneghosting you, that's not a
reflection of you.
That's a reflection of them andtheir immaturity and in
capability or lack of ability tobe able to communicate what it
(37:11):
is that they want, need, or thatthey have made a different
decision.
Troy Spry (37:16):
And do you want to be with a person like that?
Chantée Christian (37:18):
Right, like I can't tell you how many times
I've been ghosted and I've beenlike thank God, I know now.
Troy Spry (37:24):
Yeah because now I know that you can't communicate
like an adult.
Chantée Christian (37:27):
And I have invested months into people that
have just fallen off the faceof the earth and at first I'm
like, lord, did you die?
You all right.
And then I have that check.
It's like, oh, your heart'sstill beating, then All right,
cool.
And even then, even if youdon't, that's even it.
Like so often, I feel like wesearch for closure and not
(37:48):
realizing that the door hasclosed.
Troy Spry (37:51):
Look, I mean, look, I put this on.
I think I put something likethat on Instagram the other day,
where it was just like peopledon't owe you closure.
The closure is that therelationship no longer exists.
Yeah, that's the closure.
Yeah, right.
And what I believe we do,though, is we hold on to closure
so we can hold on to them.
Yes, right, that's why we do it, and so it gives us a reason
(38:13):
and excuse to still send thattext message, to still stalk
their Instagram page, slidetheir DM, create fake pages, all
kind of crazy stuff.
It gives us a justification forthat when it's a waste of
energy.
Chantée Christian (38:28):
It's almost like boxing, like, so when you
swing and you don't hit, you useup more energy than when you
actually connect, and so, beingreally focused and in alignment
with you, like, I feel like thatgoes back to like our
relationship with ourselves,being able to take that L right,
like you know what?
He ain't call back, she ain'tcall back.
(38:51):
They ain't call back.
All right, right, they didn'tmessage back.
Okay, they left me on red.
Okay, okay, okay, because, atthe end of the day, do you want
to be with someone like that,and what about?
That makes you say that youwant to keep chasing that?
Yeah, mm-hmm, like, what holeare you trying to fill with this
(39:16):
chase?
That's it right there.
Yeah.
Troy Spry (39:19):
That's it right there .
And I'm telling you ittranslates to like, even like,
when it comes to peopleapproaching people.
We are so worried I was goingto ask the client, oh, ask the
client, tell me the worst thingthat could happen, the worst if
you said hello, what's the worstthing that could happen?
And usually they don't sayhello back or they don't want to
(39:42):
talk to me.
And okay, okay, you guys don'tmean you're a bad person, don't
mean you're ugly.
Your breasts think it doesn'tmean anything.
Chantée Christian (39:50):
It means they didn't want to talk to you
Again for all different reasons,mm-hmm, because it's actually
not about you, not at all, notat all, it's not you at all.
Troy Spry (40:02):
But yet we fear rejection so bad, we fear
judgment so bad that we'll doanything to avoid it.
Yeah, anything, and that's notgood either.
Chantée Christian (40:14):
No, there's this term.
Lately that has really beengrinding my gears around, people
pleasing, and I'm like, oh, thewords yes and yes and Right,
you're really attempting toappease yourself.
That's it your own ego.
Your own ego, because thepeople didn't ask for it.
(40:37):
No, most of the time, that's itright there.
So you're afraid ofdisappointing who, well, did
they say they were disappointed?
Did they articulate anexpectation that you agreed to
and then you fell short on theagreement?
Hmm, no, it's a bunch of madeup assumptions and stories that
(41:01):
you're basing every interactionand action based off of.
Troy Spry (41:05):
That's it.
And you're draining yourselfdry Listen, draining yourself
dry and then blaming the worldfor you being tired.
I'm so exhausted it's every.
Life is so hard.
Well, you spend 90% of ittrying to please somebody that
don't need to be pleased.
Chantée Christian (41:22):
That we're just happy we're doing whatever
the hell they were doing Beforeyou showed up.
They were happy Before.
Oh, not that one Before youshowed up.
Troy Spry (41:32):
This is that thing.
It's about, like familyrelationships, right?
You and I both know there'sthose family members who always
need to borrow something, right?
Yes, they always want to borrowa dollar, or borrow some money
or whatever, or need you to comethrough for them.
What happens when you don't?
Right, when you don't, theystill figure it out.
They figure it out.
I don't need to please them.
(41:53):
They will figure it out Everytime.
But what will we do?
We'll let them borrow it, thenget mad at them for not paying
it back.
We knew they weren't going topay it back in the first place.
Chantée Christian (42:04):
And not respecting our boundaries.
Troy Spry (42:06):
There you go.
They're not going to respectthat.
You better pay my money back.
Watch this Usher right.
Watch this.
That's what happens.
Chantée Christian (42:13):
Legit, legit.
So tell me, as we wind down,what would you like to leave the
listeners with?
Troy Spry (42:23):
It's simple Start with you.
Like every good thing that'shappened to me the most growth,
the most growth financially, themost growth physically,
mentally.
Mostly it's all started withchecking myself.
So start with you, becausethere's no power in blaming
everybody else.
No, that's a word.
Chantée Christian (42:43):
No power in it, so start with you.
Yeah, that's what's up.
So where can the people findyou?
Go find me on Instagram atexclusive5.
Troy Spry (42:52):
It's XKLUSIVE5.
So exclusive5.
I know everybody likes to runInstagram, so I'll say that
first.
But you have a website, it's ,so XKLUSIBEthoughtcom, and from
there you can kind of find meall over the place, but you
don't do anything else.
Follow me on Instagram.
Chantée Christian (43:10):
OK, and then we'll make sure that it's also
in the podcast notes so peoplecan find you.
So thank you so much forjoining me.
Troy Spry (43:19):
Yeah, thank you for having me.
I appreciate you.
Chantée Christian (43:24):
Thank you for listening to this week's
episode of the My Best Shiftpodcast.
I enjoy talking with Troy aboutdifferent types of
relationships and how it allstarts with us.
For more information or ifyou'd like to reach out to us,
please visit at mybestshiftunderscore LLC on Instagram.
Remember, STOP doing shit thatdoesn't serve you! See you later
(43:47):
, bye, bye.
Hello good people.
This is Chantée Christian, andyou are listening to the My Best
Shift Podcast.
In today's episode, Troy and Italk about how it all starts
(00:25):
with you.
Hi, Troy, how are you doingtoday?
What's going on?
How are you?
I'm doing well.
Thank you for joining me on mypodcast.
Troy Spry (00:47):
Thank you for having me.
I appreciate it.
I love to talk to the goodpeople.
Chantée Christian (00:51):
Yes, and so, before we get too far in, why
don't you tell the people alittle bit about yourself?
Troy Spry (00:56):
Yes, my name is Troy Spry.
I am what I like to call aretired certified dating and
relationship coach turnedrelationship enthusiast, so
that's really my title now.
I'm a speaker, I'm an author,as well as a book teaching how
to love.
All that you don't know willhurt you, and really I built a
movement around creating healthyrelationships between men and
(01:16):
women, that's dope, that's dope.
Chantée Christian (01:20):
And so, like what made you say you know what
I want to be a relationshipenthusiast.
Troy Spry (01:26):
Yeah, sometimes purpose just happens before you
even know it's there.
So, like, growing up, I wasalways the guy writing poems and
letters to my friends,girlfriends, for them.
And then I became the guy thatcame to for like relationship
advice about stuff.
Like we were young this is likeyoung, like high school, right.
(01:46):
People ask, like, what should Ido?
Why should I do it?
Blah, blah, blah.
So.
But I've always been a writer,you know, at heart, and so all
he said I was going to write abook.
So I started blogging back inlike 2011 or so, okay, and in my
blog my first blog ever wascalled a mother's love and then
after that, I just startedwriting about relationship
topics, like stuff I was seeingand hearing about like every
(02:09):
single day, and the blog juststarted picking up and so my
people started like writing mepersonally, asking for advice.
Oh, why do you ask me foradvice?
I'm your body, right.
And then I realized I was likeit must be something here, yeah,
and then, and then one day I'mgonna tell you I just met a guy
online.
He's big in the space.
I was named Stefan speaks.
(02:29):
Yeah, like one of my mentors,for you might play.
He's the person who taught mehow to get certified, how to
build my platform, all thosethings, and the rest is history.
I started writing for bigpublications, so I write my book
and now we're here.
So that's kind of like thejourney of it all, but what
ultimately made me want to getinto it was I really just had
desire to see people have betterrelationships, healthier
(02:51):
relationships, Because you knowonly I don't know if you know
how it is, but if you ever seeunhealthy relationships or you
had to like live in it, yeah andI realized like, hmm, I must
rather people be happier.
Yeah, healthy relationshipsgoing to deal with the mess.
That's unhealthy, and so that'sreally what it is for me.
And so I always tell peopleit's a long-winded answer, but I
(03:11):
always tell my mission is verysimple it's better people,
better mates, betterrelationships and better
communities.
That's what I believe All of itcomes together when you get
better relationships.
Chantée Christian (03:21):
Yeah, that's dope, because as soon as you
started explaining it, itreminded me of like oh so you're
the original hitch.
Troy Spry (03:29):
I take it, I take it, except I don't match people.
I do not match people becausethat is, let me tell you, that's
a task, right?
I would not match people.
Chantée Christian (03:41):
I love that.
I love that.
It's so crazy that I feel likeso often we don't realize our
purpose in like their littleseas that get dropped.
And so to know that you havebeen writing for people back in
high school, right, and then nowyou are still writing for
people, but just at a differentlevel, and so I think that
that's is when it comes fullcircle and you can see it.
(04:03):
You know, yeah.
Troy Spry (04:06):
You're like you were being prepared all along.
You didn't even realize it.
Chantée Christian (04:09):
Yeah, yeah, that's dope.
So let me backtrack for asecond.
So you're also a coach.
So when you think about likerelationship coaching and
helping people move out of theirown way I read his bio y'all
and so when you think about that, what is something that you
(04:32):
would say that you see peoplestruggle with the most when
they're in their own way?
Troy Spry (04:38):
Oh man, that's a good question and I'll tell you, the
thing I see the most is peopledon't really know what they want
.
They think they know what theywant.
Well, you start asking themreal detailed, deep questions
about what it is they trulydesire.
They can't really tell you.
So if you're out on a datingscene, right, and you are trying
to find D1, but you don't knowwhat the one looks like or what
(05:00):
the relationship should feellike, or what it should do for
you, what kind of values shouldadd for you, what values you
have that you should share withsomeone else, when you can't
identify that stuff, how do youchoose the right spouse?
You know, yeah, like legit,that's like foundational right.
So foundationally people don'tknow what they want.
And then the other part of it isa lot of people really don't
(05:22):
have real self-esteem.
People talk like they flex alot on the gram.
You know they say they havebehind their degrees, they have
behind their accomplishment.
But when it comes tointerpersonal relationships,
people struggle, people struggleand they think they are more
confident than they really are.
Because what I see is peopledate from a place of loneliness.
(05:44):
A lot.
It's like this lonely place,this fearful place, and so you
get usually get bad results whenyou do that right Always.
I see those are like some ofyour top issues that I see
pretty consistently.
We talk about accomplishedpeople.
You look on paper, they resumeit, but when it comes to people
they fail in all the tests.
Chantée Christian (06:05):
Yeah, and that's interesting because
that's one of the things that Itell my clients is that
typically, I focus more so oncareer leadership, executive
coaching.
We end up doing life right,because who you are in one space
is who you are in all spaces,and it just ends up manifesting.
It might look a littledifferent, but they don't know
what they want in their career.
(06:26):
They don't know what they wantin dating.
They don't know what they wantin their partner, but they know
that their partner ain't doingwhat they want.
You hit the nail on the headand I'm like well, okay, let's
back this up.
Have you articulated to themthat you didn't like XYZ?
Well, they should know it.
Troy Spry (06:44):
They should know it, Just like their job should know
that they want to get promotedright and I'm like, oh, that's
new, so you want they shouldknow me enough.
Chantée Christian (06:53):
Do you know you enough?
Do you know you enough?
You're preaching, yeah, becauseI feel like the more people
talk about relationships withothers, they're not really in
tune with who they are and like,at a core, just who am I?
And so, like you said, whenthey go out on the dating scene
they're like, oh, I want the one.
(07:15):
And I'm like, hold on, justdefine that.
You want the one for right now,you want the one that's going
to get you through this season,you want the one that's going to
meet you at your new season.
Or are you talking about yourforever, ever, ever, ever, ever,
because forever seemed like along time.
I ain't gonna lie.
So are you?
Troy Spry (07:32):
And then it breeds, like this breeding ground for
unrealistic expectations.
Oh, yes, right, and so, likeevery one has got these
expectations that are here andyou don't even know where they
came from you can't it came fromTik Tok or Instagram told you
should have that expectation andit's like they don't live your
life, right.
So it's just these things likethis that just they bother me,
(07:55):
which is why I like to talk topeople about this stuff, because
we got to challenge each otherto be better in this area.
Chantée Christian (08:02):
Yeah, and it's always a question of well,
where did you get that and doesit belong to you?
And if it does, does it stillserve you now like it serves you
when you picked it up Right?
And then, like social media,has people really really, really
(08:22):
jacked up Like Jack, they gotme jacked.
Troy Spry (08:27):
In my intro you heard me say retired coach, right?
Yeah and and the reason I saythat is because I've gotten to a
space where I Want to do moreand reach more people with with
less one-on-one work.
But at the same time, one ofthe things that I just got so
tired of Was the inauthenticityof people number one but then
(08:48):
number two, the, the blame game,the gender war that's going on
out here and People wanting tocall me to vent about the other
sex and all the other kind ofstuff.
I'm just like, yeah, that's notwhat I'm here for.
Yeah right, I'm not somerelationship enthusiast like I
study relationships all day.
Yeah right, I love the concepts, I love what the data say on
(09:09):
all this kind of stuff, but it'sa one-on-one, just coaching.
I still coach client to.
I had in the past.
Chantée Christian (09:16):
Yeah.
Troy Spry (09:16):
I'm not necessarily taking a lot of new.
Chantée Christian (09:18):
Yeah, yeah, that means don't call him when
you see him out there.
Don't be reaching out in hisDMs.
Talk about you want him tocoach you, because it ain't
happen.
Troy Spry (09:27):
As of 2023.
It ain't happen.
We can find another way to getyou the information you need.
Chantée Christian (09:32):
Yeah, and I think that that's legit and I
think that that's importantabout understanding your
boundaries and Exercising themright, because so often, just
because and I think that thisgoes across the board Is that
just because you're good atsomething doesn't mean that
that's where you want to spendyour energy.
It doesn't mean that's whereyou want to spend your time, and
(09:52):
it doesn't mean you have to.
You get to decide.
Troy Spry (09:56):
Yeah, I get to.
I mean to me, like now I'm inthis space of I know I'm more
than just that, like one of thethings I'm working on.
My friend of mine, we'reworking on a podcast now I'm
gonna have to get you tomotivate me to do it.
You can actually get my workdone.
But but it's called trail andTroy unleashed.
(10:17):
Okay, right, so like TNTunleashed.
The keyword is unleashed andI'm trying now to get into the
more authentic space when I'munleashed from just the boundary
of being a relationship guy.
Chantée Christian (10:29):
Yeah.
Troy Spry (10:30):
Yeah, I got so much more offer the world that I
think I can impact in a biggerway versus just being like oh,
that's the relationship guy yeah, yeah.
Chantée Christian (10:39):
So I'm gonna take an opportunity and say
we're gonna take out the wordtry.
We're gonna do it.
You're gonna do it, yeah, andNot just you think you are more
than a relationship guy.
You are.
Yeah, language matters.
You're right, language mattersbecause you just articulated for
a whole 10 minutes right abouthow you're more than just about
(11:04):
Relationships and relationshipshave all the nuances and all the
things.
But you offer more than that,right as the author, as a
speaker, right as an enthusiast,and so go do the damn thing go
do it.
Troy Spry (11:21):
That's what it is, I think you know.
One of the spaces I want toexplore is how do I help people
master all types ofrelationships?
Yeah, yeah, they're not justlike romantic ones, because
those become like a reflectionof, like you said, a lot of
other things.
How about the one you have withyourself?
That's the biggest one.
Well, that's the one we skipalways.
(11:42):
We skip that one.
Why?
Everything else, all the part.
And then we have thesefriendships that are all screwed
up, and then we have familyrelationships that are just a
Mesh.
You find something white tothrow at you.
We all a mess and we're likewhy is this happening?
So we gotta have more authenticconversation around it.
Chantée Christian (12:01):
No, like that is so, so true, and so often we
forget where the commondenominator.
And then it's like oh, look atwhat they did.
Hold up, not to say that whatthey did couldn't have been
different, but how'd you show upin this space, how did you
contribute to it?
I Remember it's been almost twoyears ago now but my dad and I
(12:23):
were having this conversation.
He picked me up from theairport in Charlotte.
We were driving home, I'd justgone through a breakup and he
was like well, what reallyhappened?
And I told him.
I said you know, there came apoint where I looked at myself
in the mirror and I was like whoare you, mmm Cuz?
(12:44):
I wasn't showing up as like mein the house, but outside,
everywhere else I was, and I waslike what is happening right
now?
And it got to the point where Iwasn't even frustrated with him
anymore.
It was like you don't even knowme because I haven't allowed
you to know me and I had to godo a lot of work.
Well, I was ready to go jumpback in this cesspool of dating
(13:06):
because I was like Hmm, justlike how you started off.
Right, I knew what I wanted fromother people, but I couldn't
confirm what I needed for myself, mm-hmm.
And it was just like, well, howcan I?
I'm out here telling my clientsto go do this and go do that,
and then here I am at home, noteven recognizing who I am.
Troy Spry (13:29):
I happen, all the time, you know me, thumbs up.
I have to check myself onsomething I shouldn't have done
in my marriage that I'm justtold somebody else not to do.
I live probably once a weekwhere I'm sitting there like I
know I just had a conversationwith somebody and I'm doing the
exact same thing, but at leastI'm conscious.
(13:50):
Right, I'm conscious and I cancatch it.
Yeah, yeah, that's the bottomto me.
Chantée Christian (13:56):
It is and it goes along with.
Once you're aware of something,you can make a conscious
decision about how to move, andThen you become into the space
of accepting it, which one wayor another right.
And that's so true because alot of times people are
unconscious, mm-hmm out heremaking wild and reckless
decisions, mm-hmm, and thenupset at the consequences that
(14:17):
have come along with those wildand reckless decisions.
And we're not I'm not talkingabout just you know any Joe snow
.
I'm talking about some reallyAcculated, loaded people.
Troy Spry (14:27):
Absolutely.
And you look up you're like,how did you do that?
We realized a lot of times thepeople around them never made
them conscious, never, becausethose are the worst people.
A lot of times, because peoplelook up to them, yep, so much
that they never call them on.
Now they need to be consciousabout so.
Chantée Christian (14:43):
They're like, they think they're it's don't
think and it's really real thing, you know and that's why, when
you said friendships, I'm like,listen, I have worked with so
many clients about these circlesof friends that they have and
I'm like, alright, let's thinkabout how real these people are
with you.
Hmm, I yeah, it's the thingsyou complain it about.
(15:04):
You haven't called one of yourfriends to say that and they no
one checked you like.
Not one person Said yo, youisland?
Yeah, not one person.
You need new friends.
Troy Spry (15:14):
Yeah.
Chantée Christian (15:16):
Some is wrong with your circle, your
community that you have built isto build up your ego, Not
realizing you got to get realitychecks.
Often you know, and I'm likeone thing I can my family.
I love them dearly but theydon't mind checking you or your
ego or anything else along theway.
Troy Spry (15:34):
There you go, that's what you need.
You're like that's what falseis growth, right it?
Chantée Christian (15:37):
fosters growth.
As I was younger, I didn'tappreciate it, always got
something to say why is yourbusiness?
As an adult, I'm like you needpeople around you who Support
you and have enough care aboutyou to check you.
Troy Spry (15:57):
Yeah, absolutely, I had a.
There was a person that I'mdoing the podcast with the last
party.
Two, three years.
You've become one of thosefriends for me, right, because
you know, when you're the expertor whatever you supposed to be
with, you know People are gonnachallenge you in this way.
So you spend so much of yourenergy Challenging them.
Yeah that you don't have thatspace for somewhere.
(16:18):
You really want it.
I think I started to desire itlike Somebody gotta help me get
better in some way or another,and he started being that person
for me.
Yeah, we kind of said, okay, wegot something here.
We should really startsomething and have these kind of
conversations out loud yeah,it's to having conversations out
loud part.
Chantée Christian (16:36):
So, like I had no desire doing a podcast
Like at all.
It was never top of my list ofthings to do, or like on top 10,
2030 or 50.
However, in 2020, after GeorgeFloyd was murdered, I wanted to
have open conversations with mycommunity of black Executive.
(16:59):
You know leadership friendsthat we were having behind
closed doors Because I went to apredominantly white university
for undergrad and graduateschool.
I worked in and have worked ina predominantly white male
Industry and so I'm like sowho's hearing us talk?
Troy Spry (17:17):
Each other.
Chantée Christian (17:19):
Right, and that's not where the power
dynamic lies, right?
So we talking about change andthose sorts of things, what does
that look like?
And so I started thisconversation called the unspoken
truths of being black inAmerica, being black in
education, the workforce, etc.
And I was like who?
We did our first one and ouronly one, I'm done.
(17:39):
And people like, oh, you got todo it again, what's the next
one?
I was like, uh-huh, the nextone.
You know how hard it was to getthese four people on this thing
at this time.
Y'all hi, there's no way.
And then I was like, all right,I guess we could do it until
December and see how it rolls.
And then they were like, oh,you should make it a podcast.
I was like, not now, y'alltripping, I'm not making it
(17:59):
apart.
Then I was like, well, if I dida podcast, what it looked like?
I was like there's no way, I'mgonna take the effort to
coordinate for people's schedule, including my schedule, trying
to get everyone on at once, butI would do one-on-ones to talk
about Things that we typicallywouldn't talk about, right?
(18:20):
And so, like the first coupleof seasons were friends, where I
was like, hey, listen.
Troy Spry (18:23):
So I need you.
I need you to come get on thecouch.
I need you.
Chantée Christian (18:30):
I need you, right, and we talk about
communities.
That's why, right, because mycommunity Asked for it, but also
my community supported it,right?
I mean that they were like,well, hold on, let's see what
you gonna talk about, what'sgonna be what.
I'm like, oh Lord.
But we worked it out to a pointwhere I was like I feel good
about this, I feel good aboutputting my name behind it, and
(18:53):
I'm like, if only four peopleever listen to it, I'm okay with
that too.
That's it All right, cuz I'mlike, well, you gonna listen to
it.
You gonna be like, oh, that wasa dope conversation, but I'm
okay one way or another.
Troy Spry (19:06):
You weren't doing it for clicks, right?
You just doing it to have theconversation.
Chantée Christian (19:09):
No, I mean for brick.
I didn't tell nobody, like ifpeople were like just Google you
and you got a pocket and then Ihad to go work on that.
But you know, it was just, Iwasn't doing it for them.
It became a thing for me.
Troy Spry (19:23):
Yeah.
Chantée Christian (19:24):
Yeah, and then it came a thing for me, and
then my close group and myclose community and then it was
like okay, well, I don't mindsharing it out there with the
people is out there, yeah.
Troy Spry (19:35):
No, no long conversations matter, though.
I mean I had to learn that too.
Like you know, God gave me aplatform.
I mean it's not huge, right,but it's big enough, right, it's
big enough to have a he's beingreal modest.
Chantée Christian (19:46):
Yeah, maybe a real modest.
Troy Spry (19:48):
What I say is gonna matter to people.
Yeah, then I get me recklessabout what I'm saying.
Yeah, and I gotta let peopleknow it's there.
I used to be so shy, like youat first, about like Promoting
something or put it out there orhaving kind of that imposter
syndrome where you're like whoam I to be saying this though?
Yeah, then you start to realizeyou actually help way more
people than if you kept itprivate preach.
(20:11):
Yeah, I'm not sorry about it atall anymore.
Yeah.
Chantée Christian (20:16):
I was telling some.
I literally, I think maybe lastweek or week before last, I had
posted something around One ofthe two books that I have, and
so sometimes I forget that theyare Amazon best-selling books.
And Then when somebody findsout because I typically don't
tell my client, if they don'tread my bio, then they ain't
gonna know, because I'm notstarting off with and hello, my
(20:38):
name is shanty Christian.
I'm Amazon.
No, I don't.
We're not here to talk about me, we're here to talk about you.
And so when they find out andthey're like oh, I bought your
books, I want you to sign them.
I'm like what, y'all can't seeme by?
Just put my hoodie on like whoa.
But and I put the I posted that.
You know, something that I'vebeen constantly working on is
(21:01):
take up the space and is therefor a reason, and People enjoy
the books because of it'ssomething in it that resonated
with them, right, and so Justget over it and do it.
Troy Spry (21:18):
Here's the thing if you don't take up the space when
someone is gonna take it over,be louder but be more reckless
yeah, then I'm starting to see alot of that and like the
relationship space, where it'sjust like there are people in
the space that are just recklessand very Toxic to the community
.
Yeah, but, but that's becausewhat they're doing it from is a
(21:39):
place of clicks and and viewsand it's money driven right, you
can tell it.
I mean, it's almost like it'svery obvious, right.
Whenever people are thatextreme in their view on things,
you're like, I know what thisis about for you, but those are
the people to get the mostattention.
So I'm gonna give the people atleast a small space where they
can come and get some light,extra reality.
Chantée Christian (22:01):
Yeah, and I, you know it's funny you say that
because for the longest Ididn't want to say I was a coach
of Any sort, I don't care whatyou put in front of it, behind
it, around it or beside itbecause I was like these social
media coaches, mm-hmm, I'm like,I'm crazy.
I was like where did you go getcertified?
Because I'm a hundred percentsure you also are not.
(22:21):
I see, if certified you haven'tgone through any sort of like.
I mean, coaching is notlicensed, right.
However, you went to like ahalf a day you, you click the
click, the click the click andgot this certification.
A little judgey, I understand,but I meant it because I'm like,
where you can't tell peoplethat you advise them to do that,
(22:42):
wow okay, wow, that's the keyword.
Troy Spry (22:46):
Wow, I'm like, and people latch on to it, though,
because a lot of times, what I'mlearning is so some of these
coaches Online, right, theyspeak to the most broken pieces
of the yeah, yeah, right, andwhen you speak to that broken
piece all the time, you can getlots of followers.
Absolutely right, and you canget lots of attention.
(23:06):
Yeah, but I think it'sdetrimental to the progress of
the culture.
Chantée Christian (23:11):
Yeah Well, because it's not authentic.
Mm-hmm right and and it's not tosay that people don't resonate
with those things truthfully butit doesn't come from a space of
healing.
It's like I remember, like inthe in the late 90s well, early
90s but everybody wanted to be arapper, everybody wanted to be
(23:35):
like Tupac and be like Biggieand all the things then hot boys
, everybody wanted to be aversion of something.
But even thinking about singers, there were singers that have
been promoted in the industrybecause of their celibacy, but
not necessarily their voiceright and what they had to offer
(23:55):
.
And when I think about whatsocial media has done to
coaching, relationship coaching,life coaching, all of the
coaching I feel like it's thesame way and people say, oh,
it's a coach, oh no, and I'mlike hold on, hold on, hold on,
oh right, like even right beforewe got on the call I was doing
a one-on-one and she was like,yeah, I seen this coach on
Instagram and I, like a piece ofme just Crumbled on the inside.
(24:19):
I was like, please don't tellme.
But then I was like but I'm acoach on Instagram.
Troy Spry (24:23):
Yeah well, you're in the same space, right?
So I mean, yeah, it does hityou.
You know you have that realitycheck, right.
You're like people might besaying that about me.
But then I go back to does itfeel authentic for me?
Yeah, Right, and do I feel goodabout the work I'm doing?
Yeah and I can open my Instagramor, I think, talk, whatever,
and be like I feel good aboutthis work.
(24:43):
Yeah, I feel like it'simpactful work.
I don't feel like it's creatingarguments.
Yeah, it may make you laughevery once in a while yeah, but
it's not like there to createthis tension between men and
women.
Chantée Christian (24:55):
Yeah, it's not productive, it's not, it's
not and it's not conducive, likeI remember going out on a date
with this guy.
He was a Kevin Samuel'sfollower yeah, he says something
to me and it just ignited thislike heat in my body and I was
like where did you get that?
(25:15):
And I was like come from aspace of curiosity, shanty.
Come from a space of curiosity.
I'm like where did you get thatideology?
He was like well, kevin Sam was.
I was like yo, he pays yourbills.
Like we, the two of us, aresitting here in this space right
now You're gonna quote someonewho was also not married, you
(25:39):
know, but and?
And he was so staunch in thebelief where I was like no, this
is real.
Like this is real and I hadseen it on social media but I
had never experienced it inperson, you know.
And I was like, yo, this, thisis different.
Troy Spry (25:55):
It's like politics, right.
It's like the polarizationcells right.
But we all know like smartpeople they recognize the answer
to most things in the middlesomewhere.
The moderates are probably thebest people to be running a
country, right, right, people inthe middle, right.
Well, the extreme people onlywanted to get attention because
(26:15):
they can polarize the community.
Chantée Christian (26:17):
Yeah.
Troy Spry (26:18):
So when those people like the Kevin Samulites or
what's the other end of thispicture?
I forget her name Cynthia.
Cynthia G, oh yeah, on thewomen's life, these polarizing
figures that have you literallymad, at the same people you want
.
Chantée Christian (26:32):
Say that part one more time.
Troy Spry (26:35):
They literally have you mad at the same people you
desire to be with.
Like how does it make sense?
Make it make sense.
It don't the math don't maththe math, don't math.
And then you go on a date witha lovely woman Right.
And now you?
Because you can't even thinkthrough how you're being
brainwashed.
You can't even have a genuineconversation that's curious
(26:57):
about her and how y'all couldfit together.
Chantée Christian (26:59):
No, if it was , it was, and we had a
significant age difference, andso I was like, oh, this guy is
more mature, he's, you know.
And then when he hit me, I waslike, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, let's back this up.
I was like, oh, I got more workto do.
That's like I'm not ready forthis.
I'm like, actually, I don'tlike this right.
Troy Spry (27:22):
Yeah, I don't want to be a part of this.
Chantée Christian (27:25):
Yeah, this is not the person I want to be
with and the person I want to bein community with.
Right like just much choiceperspective, but I feel like
social media portrays so muchthat people also see they're a
perfect couple.
Everything's great over there.
Listen, if if y'all don't takeanything else from anything I've
(27:46):
ever said.
There is no perfect couple zero, zero perfect couples.
Troy Spry (27:52):
You show me a perfect couple.
They can't be human like legit.
Like not gonna work.
Chantée Christian (27:58):
No, I mean, even animals have Disagreements
and arguments.
If you watch anything on on thewild, yeah.
Troy Spry (28:08):
So then again, it breeds Unrealistic expectation.
I think that's one of thebiggest reasons that the
marriage rates are what they are.
The divorce rates are what theyare.
Even married people aren't.
Married.
People are not.
They're not very honest withsingle people About what
marriage looks like.
So think about that if no one'sever been honest with you about
it and you get into it and it'sreally not exactly what it
(28:30):
looked like on Instagram.
That's why you see these oneand two-year marriages.
And then people are out.
They're like oh, you don't makeme happy anymore.
Mm-hmm, I ain't feeling, youknow more.
Oh, we grew apart or theystopped being able to do the
honeymoon thing, yeah, andthey're taking the trips.
And then, when life start, lifeand an adulting started, don't
think and now you like, oh, I'mnot a handle.
This only had a skill to handlethis.
Chantée Christian (28:52):
Yeah.
Troy Spry (28:53):
Long term things.
So I go to someone else and Istart over.
So to me, like, married peopletend to do single people at this
service with a marriage, butalso with the way they talk
about marriage.
So what I mean by that is mosttimes married people are only
talking about marriage in anegative way and they'll
downplay it.
They'll be like, oh yeah, sheon my nerves or oh, my man, he
(29:16):
just this and he's yeah Alwayssay, but why they still there?
Right, there's a reason they'restill there.
But I always try to tellmarried folks like, if you don't
been about something, youbetter counter it with some
positive yeah right, yeah,that's not good either.
They like that's a, that's a.
You know, that's a hot buttonfor me.
Chantée Christian (29:37):
It is legit, though, and I feel like if we
put this Just a plug for theshow, if we put this to all the
ships right, mm-hmm, like Ithink about my clients who
aren't 30 yet or approaching 30.
Mm-hmm, they're going throughthis life crisis of Not being
where they thought they would be.
(29:57):
Mm-hmm by 30.
Mm-hmm.
Looking at people on Instagramgoing on trips, buying houses,
getting cars, getting married,having kids, all the things.
Mm-hmm, when they have no ideawhat's happening behind that
camera.
Troy Spry (30:13):
Oh God, they got a loan on going that trip.
Chantée Christian (30:17):
Right, they could have taken pictures from
somebody else's trip, I mean.
And at the end of the day, isthat even what you want?
There you go Like, is thatactually what you want?
Yeah, that might have been whatyou wanted, right.
But when you talk about unlessrealistic expectations we put,
we as a people put unrealisticexpectations on ourselves and
(30:38):
then are extremely disappointedand frustrated when they don't
come to pass.
But there was no agreement onit, right.
So, like I hate the wordexpectation so much because
typically, if you had anexpectation of me, you didn't
articulate it to me and I didn'tagree to it, but I went and did
something outside of theexpectation, you're upset.
Troy Spry (30:59):
Yeah, you, it's your fault that you upset the amount
of clients I used to get likethat, like I mean, like what you
said is like they will havethese like grand expectations,
like he should be doing thisthree times a week before times.
I said you know that and mosttimes they don't.
They haven't communicatedanything, they just like sitting
(31:20):
there stewin to get mad.
Yeah, a resentful yes, we likeready to call it off, I and I'm
like dang, did you have aconversation about that?
No, oh, I don't know.
That stuff bothers me.
It bothers me Because we'rewhole adults.
Everybody's growing into.
It becomes time to communicate,right.
Chantée Christian (31:40):
Because, when you think about it, who taught
us how to communicate inrelationships?
Troy Spry (31:45):
Yeah, usually a parent.
It usually didn't communicateRight.
Yep, I get it Right.
Chantée Christian (31:51):
And I'm a com major and I'm still struggling.
Troy Spry (31:55):
Let me tell you the thing we have that's so
different now, though, is wehave so much more access to
information, right, yes, and wehave really no excuse to be able
to find something out If it'snot feeling right, if it's not
going right.
People ask me a simple question.
I'm like did you Google it?
Google is your friend, and mosttimes, I'm like, oh, I'm like
(32:16):
yeah, and then one articlebrings you to another, which
brings you to another video, andnow you're all the same.
You got a couple ofcommunication skills, yeah, but
you got to know that you'relacking in it.
Because that's what we said,right People not being willing
to tell you.
Chantée Christian (32:31):
Right.
People not willing to tell youand you not having enough
self-awareness to say, hmm, thiscould be me, it could be me, it
could be me.
Troy Spry (32:45):
I got a whole chapter in my book called it's Not them
as you, oh, and let me tell you, if people read that one,
they're like, yeah, you calledme out, because a lot of times
that's what it is, and I wentthrough the same journey.
It's not like.
This is abnormal.
Chantée Christian (32:59):
Yes.
Troy Spry (33:00):
You're a born selfish being.
It doesn't feel good to knowyou're not good at something or
to be at fault for something.
It doesn't feel good, no.
So no one's walking aroundsaying, hey, let me see what's
wrong with me today.
But emotionally mature people,mentally mature people,
understand that you have tochallenge your own thoughts and
your own process.
Chantée Christian (33:18):
Yeah, yeah, that's good.
One of my favorite.
Well, let me be clear I don'treally like to read books, but I
like to listen to them, so oneof my favorite books, though, is
the Four Agreements Mm-hmm.
Troy Spry (33:32):
Mm-hmm, I know it.
I don't think I've read theCliff.
Chantée Christian (33:35):
Notes for it.
Oh, and the whole thing is aCliff Note, but it's like I
don't even think it's 100 pages,but I read it at least twice a
year Because as a only child Irealize that sometimes it's not
always about me.
Oh, really you know you figuredit out.
(33:55):
I had to figure it out.
I had to figure it out the hardway because at home it wasn't
like that Right.
Ooh.
And I also realized that,because of the assumptions I
would make based off of it beingall about me, I was creating
these grand stories abouteverything, whether it be at
(34:17):
work, whether it be at home, ina friend group, and I had to
keep checking myself.
I'm like why, why, what is?
this and I was like, oh, it's me, it's you, it's all you.
Ok, but that book I swear theyshould give me some sort of
credits, because there is alwaysa point with all of my clients.
(34:37):
I have yet to have one that Ihave not referred to one of
those agreements.
Most of the time it's agreementnumber two.
Troy Spry (34:46):
Don't take anything personally.
Chantée Christian (34:48):
Yep.
Troy Spry (34:49):
That's the one.
Chantée Christian (34:51):
Because so often if someone did something
to us oh, they don't like meyeah, they probably didn't even
realize you were in the roomwhen they walked past you.
Troy Spry (35:02):
Didn't?
Oh man, I used to like that allthe time.
Chantée Christian (35:06):
They didn't respond to your email.
You know what?
They probably haven't seen it.
It could have went to junk,like a million things.
Or they saw it and said I'mgoing to get back to it when
they have an opportunity.
There you go.
Their lack of response is notyou.
Troy Spry (35:21):
People do that all the time on the job search,
right On the job search.
They take it so personal.
Oh, they didn't write me backwhen I sent them my LinkedIn
message.
They got a million LinkedInmessages.
They probably ain't checked itin five days and maybe you
didn't communicate well enoughto what they wanted to call you
back.
Chantée Christian (35:38):
It's a gazillion different reasons why
they have not.
Yeah.
Troy Spry (35:43):
So look, can't take everything personal.
Chantée Christian (35:45):
You can't take it personal Right and it's
like people are like oh, I'mlike maybe read all four, but
it's just.
But it's the but, it's therealization that it's not
actually about you.
Troy Spry (36:01):
Look.
This translates to dating allthe time.
Say so yeah, and dating peopleget people quit dating because
one person didn't call them back, or one person went ghost on
them, or they got a message intheir Bumble app that they
didn't like and they're like.
I'm done with this.
I'm not good enough for thesepeople or why they do this to me
(36:24):
and I'm like it's not thatserious, it's not.
It's not that you didn't investanything, they just didn't call
you back.
I can give you a number.
It's okay.
They probably had a girlfriendor they had something else going
on and realized it couldn't putthe effort into you or whatever
it is.
Now, if you've been bested fora long time, then I get that
(36:45):
right.
Chantée Christian (36:46):
I don't even get it, then, because if you're
present enough to accept thateach experience is exactly what
it's supposed to be, when it'ssupposed to be or where it's
supposed to be, and someoneghosting you, that's not a
reflection of you.
That's a reflection of them andtheir immaturity and in
capability or lack of ability tobe able to communicate what it
(37:11):
is that they want, need, or thatthey have made a different
decision.
Troy Spry (37:16):
And do you want to be with a person like that?
Chantée Christian (37:18):
Right, like I can't tell you how many times
I've been ghosted and I've beenlike thank God, I know now.
Troy Spry (37:24):
Yeah because now I know that you can't communicate
like an adult.
Chantée Christian (37:27):
And I have invested months into people that
have just fallen off the faceof the earth and at first I'm
like, lord, did you die?
You all right.
And then I have that check.
It's like, oh, your heart'sstill beating, then All right,
cool.
And even then, even if youdon't, that's even it.
Like so often, I feel like wesearch for closure and not
(37:48):
realizing that the door hasclosed.
Troy Spry (37:51):
Look, I mean, look, I put this on.
I think I put something likethat on Instagram the other day,
where it was just like peopledon't owe you closure.
The closure is that therelationship no longer exists.
Yeah, that's the closure.
Yeah, right.
And what I believe we do,though, is we hold on to closure
so we can hold on to them.
Yes, right, that's why we do it, and so it gives us a reason
(38:13):
and excuse to still send thattext message, to still stalk
their Instagram page, slidetheir DM, create fake pages, all
kind of crazy stuff.
It gives us a justification forthat when it's a waste of
energy.
Chantée Christian (38:28):
It's almost like boxing, like, so when you
swing and you don't hit, you useup more energy than when you
actually connect, and so, beingreally focused and in alignment
with you, like, I feel like thatgoes back to like our
relationship with ourselves,being able to take that L right,
like you know what?
He ain't call back, she ain'tcall back.
(38:51):
They ain't call back.
All right, right, they didn'tmessage back.
Okay, they left me on red.
Okay, okay, okay, because, atthe end of the day, do you want
to be with someone like that,and what about?
That makes you say that youwant to keep chasing that?
Yeah, mm-hmm, like, what holeare you trying to fill with this
(39:16):
chase?
That's it right there.
Yeah.
Troy Spry (39:19):
That's it right there .
And I'm telling you ittranslates to like, even like,
when it comes to peopleapproaching people.
We are so worried I was goingto ask the client, oh, ask the
client, tell me the worst thingthat could happen, the worst if
you said hello, what's the worstthing that could happen?
And usually they don't sayhello back or they don't want to
(39:42):
talk to me.
And okay, okay, you guys don'tmean you're a bad person, don't
mean you're ugly.
Your breasts think it doesn'tmean anything.
Chantée Christian (39:50):
It means they didn't want to talk to you
Again for all different reasons,mm-hmm, because it's actually
not about you, not at all, notat all, it's not you at all.
Troy Spry (40:02):
But yet we fear rejection so bad, we fear
judgment so bad that we'll doanything to avoid it.
Yeah, anything, and that's notgood either.
Chantée Christian (40:14):
No, there's this term.
Lately that has really beengrinding my gears around, people
pleasing, and I'm like, oh, thewords yes and yes and Right,
you're really attempting toappease yourself.
That's it your own ego.
Your own ego, because thepeople didn't ask for it.
(40:37):
No, most of the time, that's itright there.
So you're afraid ofdisappointing who, well, did
they say they were disappointed?
Did they articulate anexpectation that you agreed to
and then you fell short on theagreement?
Hmm, no, it's a bunch of madeup assumptions and stories that
(41:01):
you're basing every interactionand action based off of.
Troy Spry (41:05):
That's it.
And you're draining yourselfdry Listen, draining yourself
dry and then blaming the worldfor you being tired.
I'm so exhausted it's every.
Life is so hard.
Well, you spend 90% of ittrying to please somebody that
don't need to be pleased.
Chantée Christian (41:22):
That we're just happy we're doing whatever
the hell they were doing Beforeyou showed up.
They were happy Before.
Oh, not that one Before youshowed up.
Troy Spry (41:32):
This is that thing.
It's about, like familyrelationships, right?
You and I both know there'sthose family members who always
need to borrow something, right?
Yes, they always want to borrowa dollar, or borrow some money
or whatever, or need you to comethrough for them.
What happens when you don't?
Right, when you don't, theystill figure it out.
They figure it out.
I don't need to please them.
(41:53):
They will figure it out Everytime.
But what will we do?
We'll let them borrow it, thenget mad at them for not paying
it back.
We knew they weren't going topay it back in the first place.
Chantée Christian (42:04):
And not respecting our boundaries.
Troy Spry (42:06):
There you go.
They're not going to respectthat.
You better pay my money back.
Watch this Usher right.
Watch this.
That's what happens.
Chantée Christian (42:13):
Legit, legit.
So tell me, as we wind down,what would you like to leave the
listeners with?
Troy Spry (42:23):
It's simple Start with you.
Like every good thing that'shappened to me the most growth,
the most growth financially, themost growth physically,
mentally.
Mostly it's all started withchecking myself.
So start with you, becausethere's no power in blaming
everybody else.
No, that's a word.
Chantée Christian (42:43):
No power in it, so start with you.
Yeah, that's what's up.
So where can the people findyou?
Go find me on Instagram atexclusive5.
Troy Spry (42:52):
It's XKLUSIVE5.
So exclusive5.
I know everybody likes to runInstagram, so I'll say that
first.
But you have a website, it's ,so XKLUSIBEthoughtcom, and from
there you can kind of find meall over the place, but you
don't do anything else.
Follow me on Instagram.
Chantée Christian (43:10):
OK, and then we'll make sure that it's also
in the podcast notes so peoplecan find you.
So thank you so much forjoining me.
Troy Spry (43:19):
Yeah, thank you for having me.
I appreciate you.
Chantée Christian (43:24):
Thank you for listening to this week's
episode of the My Best Shiftpodcast.
I enjoy talking with Troy aboutdifferent types of
relationships and how it allstarts with us.
For more information or ifyou'd like to reach out to us,
please visit at mybestshiftunderscore LLC on Instagram.
Remember, STOP doing shit thatdoesn't serve you! See you later
(43:47):
, bye, bye.
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