September 24, 2023 • 43 mins
Welcome to an enriching discussion with Alison - a powerhouse in the realm of life, dating, and relationship coaching. We spent the episode dissecting her unique approach, where she incorporates her psychology and educational therapy background to create personalized strategies for her clients. As we explored her journey, it became evident how crucial her tailored coaching techniques are in propelling individuals towards a future filled with transformation and growth.
We also dedicated some time in our conversation to delve into self-care and mindset, two elements that often get overlooked but are key to personal transformation. Alison helped us understand why self-love should be a priority and how creating routines that respect personal boundaries can make a world of difference. The conversation made clear that self-reflection can be a powerful tool in understanding our daily lives and how a shift in mindset can change how we view our struggles. Tune in, and let's take a step together towards embracing growth and self-compassion on this incredible journey of transformation.
More About Ali: Alison is a life, dating, and relationship coach who helps people overcome blocks and achieve their relationship, dating, and personal goals. She focuses on helping her clients create healthy, fulfilling relationships while teaching them the skills they need to navigate the dating world. Alison provides guidance, support, and advice to her clients in areas such as healthy communication, boundaries, self-esteem, emotional intelligence, and personal growth. She also helps her clients identify their individual needs and goals, and create plans and strategies to reach those goals.
Connect with Ali via: Instagram.
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INSPIRED ACTIONS/THOUGHTS FOR THIS EPISODE:
How can you use curiosity in your relationships?
What are your personal values?
How are they in alignment with your relationship goals?
How do you define self-compassion?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Chantée Christian (00:04):
Hello good people.
This is Chantée Christian, andyou are listening to the My Best
Shift Podcast.
In today's episode, Ali and Italk about what we deserve and
(00:25):
it being perfectly okay.
Hi, Allison, how are you doingtoday?
Hi, I'm good.
How are you doing?
I'm doing well.
I'm so excited to have you joinme on the podcast today.
(00:49):
But before we get to Tuzu inthe weeds, why don't you tell
the people a little bit aboutyourself?
Ali Guydan (00:59):
Yes.
So first of all, I'm so happyto be here.
It's actually the first podcastI've done.
I feel like I kind of likemanifested it a couple of weeks
ago because I put it out there,I was like I want to be on one.
But to let you know a littlebit about me so, born and raised
in Southern California, I'veonly lived outside of Southern
California once and that was forcollege.
(01:21):
I went to Berkeley for undergrad, which was such a cool
experience, and then I came backto Southern California to work,
to do grad school and then tostart to get into my career.
So my career actually startedin psychology.
I got my undergrad in psych andthen my master's in marriage
and family therapy and worked asa therapist for a while until I
(01:43):
decided it really didn't feellike the right fit.
Like always knew that I wantedto help people, but not
necessarily in that setting.
I really like the idea ofhelping people in a way that's
like future focused.
This is where we are, but let'sfigure out where you want to be
.
So then I switched gears anddid more school to become an
educational therapist and now Ido educational therapy and then
(02:07):
I also do life, dating andrelationship coaching.
So pulling in a little bit ofthe psychology background into
helping people now, but in adifferent way.
That's a little bit more futurefocused.
Chantée Christian (02:17):
I love that.
It's probably one of the mainreasons that I love coaching so
much, because, while I lovetherapy personally and for
others, it also typically lacksthe forward action, and I love
that part about coaching.
I love it.
I love it 100%.
Ali Guydan (02:36):
Yeah, I think therapy is so helpful and it's
such an important tool and thingfor people to have.
But yeah, there's that partwhere it's like, okay, but what
now is?
We can work through past stuff,but then, when we think about
the future, we still need toolsand support and strategies to
propel us in the next version ofourselves and where we want to
really see ourselves going.
Chantée Christian (02:58):
Absolutely, absolutely, and it's one of the
biggest things that I tell mycoaching clients, right, how to
differentiate between therapyand coaching.
When we're talking aboutcoaching because therapy is
typically more focused on pasttraumas and how to heal you from
that perspective Versus incoaching, we're going to
(03:20):
acknowledge and validate it andwe're going to ask you some
questions about how is itserving you now and how is it
holding you back from the futurethat you anticipate or that you
say that you want.
Ali Guydan (03:32):
Yeah, because it's still those insightful questions
and like getting to the bottomof things, like blocks so much
of it in coaching.
It's like what's blocking youfrom getting to that next level?
But then let's work on that toget you there.
Chantée Christian (03:47):
Yeah, yeah, I'm so curious.
So where did you get yourcoaching?
And you are.
I do not know the answer tothis.
Just FYI, what did you get yourcoaching search from?
Ali Guydan (04:00):
Um, I've done become a certified coach in your life
purpose coach and then also in amindset coach, and so I've done
both of them online and thenI'm also.
I've done masterminds andthings like that for myself as a
coach, which I think is soimportant because if we don't go
through that, get training andget firsthand experience, we're
(04:22):
never going to be able to fullyunderstand what it's like from
the client's perspective.
If we haven't done it and if wedon't have the proper tools to
do that, no, absolutely.
Chantée Christian (04:32):
We can only take our clients as far as we've
gone.
And so if we haven't done thework, and so I like to call and
I don't like the word homeworkso I say love assignments.
So, um, in my love assignmentsI've done them all Right.
I don't give my clientsanything that I haven't done
already, and most of the timeI've either done it with one of
(04:54):
my coaches or it was the ideathat I had, or talking to a
friend, or reading a book.
Let me be clear I don't reallyread books.
I listen to books.
So listening to a book orcoming across an article or
something and doing it, but Ican't ask them to do it because
I don't know what it's going toinvoke.
In general, until I try it,until I agree wholeheartedly
(05:15):
with the notion of being able toput yourself inside your
client's shoes, to be able toprovide for them and get them
where they need to be.
Ali Guydan (05:23):
Definitely yeah, because our background and
training is important.
But then it's also well,there's also, I feel like, a
sense of intuition that comeswith coaching too, because you
have to have that intuition totap into what's going on.
But then have the tools andstrategies but I'm not a big fan
of the word homework either,and then same journaling I feel
like can be another trigger wordof like what do you mean?
(05:44):
I have to sit and write.
It's like the tools andstrategies and things that
people can do.
But I always like to help findwhat's aligned to the client,
Because for all of us everythingis going to be different with
what terminology works for us,what tools work for us.
Chantée Christian (05:58):
So it's starting to find that, yeah,
blending all of those thingstogether, yeah, so when you
think about coaching, what isone of your favorite things
about it?
Ali Guydan (06:12):
I love seeing the like aha moments of oh my god,
that's what I needed to talkabout, that's what I needed to
hear.
That's the moment oftransformation.
And then seeing the beginningto the end stages, Because so
many times it's like coming intocoaching and starting to work
(06:33):
with someone.
It's at a point of I've triedso many things, nothing's
working.
I feel frustrated.
Then going through the ups anddowns and like I care so much
about the people that I workwith too and I want to see the
best for people and celebratetheir wins.
And then to the end of it, ofyou know, bettering their
relationship, betteringthemselves, and with dating and
(06:56):
relationship coaching, there'salways going to be that
transformation within yourselftoo, Not just with the life
coaching part of it.
So it's seeing thattransformation.
As I'm saying this, someonecome to mind of just like
they're beginning to end justreally wanting to transform
their relationship, but it cameto transforming their self worth
(07:16):
, their self esteem, what theydeserve, their communication and
then seeing as we try differentthings, their partner react
differently to them.
Their partner start to get moreengaged, start to open up more
and then at the end of it, oh,they just got married.
I'm so happy for them.
It's like such a great likesuccess story.
Chantée Christian (07:38):
I love that, and I think the biggest part
that I took away from that,though, is that we're 50% of any
relationship right If they're,especially if they're two people
right.
So we're talking about a twoperson relationship.
We're 50% of that, and when wework on our whole 100% of our 50
, it changes the dynamic of therelationship, because it's no
(08:02):
longer focused on the otherperson and what they did or
didn't do, or did or didn't say,or how, how they made me do XYZ
right.
It's more so in alignment withhuh.
It's really not about me, thoseassumptions I had, those
(08:23):
stories that I'm making up withno foundation, and all those
things, but when we do the workon us, it changes literally
every piece of our lives.
I think that's part of theawesome.
Ali Guydan (08:34):
Yes, and it's that part of getting curious.
You get curious with yourself,you get curious with your
partner, no matter what.
I feel like that's afoundational tool to have for
yourself, because with ourpartners we make assumptions.
With dates, we make assumptions.
They don't like me.
You know I did this wrong,whatever it is.
You know my partner does thisbecause XYZ.
(08:55):
But then if you actually askthem like I'm curious, like let
me know, or I noticed this, whatwas this like for you?
And then we also check in withourselves in our own personal
experiences Wow, I had thisreaction or this emotion.
What is this trying to tell me?
What's this trying to show me?
Yeah, that curiosity also islike a huge catalyst to
(09:16):
transformation, because it givesus information and feedback and
with that we have so much thatwe can do with it to grow and
evolve.
Chantée Christian (09:23):
Yeah, I have so many questions in my head
because I remember as a childthe phrase curiosity killed the
cat, and I still don'tunderstand it, because curiosity
is one of the biggest forms ofclarity.
It just brings a space wherewe're able to ask more questions
(09:45):
.
Now, the way we ask thequestions, it's our thing, right
, but the curiosity, and comingfrom a space of curiosity,
always feels genuine too, and soI just I don't know.
I love that, so tell me, whatgot you into dating and
relationship coaching?
Ali Guydan (10:07):
I've always had a fascination with relationships,
with dating, with attachmentstyles, with what makes us tick,
because I feel like there's somuch joy that comes from
relationships and it's such alike special part of life that
we get experience.
But then I also see how so manysmall little things can take a
(10:30):
great relationship and then leadit to ending the relationship.
So before I went back to schoolfor my masters, I was doing
just all kinds of research andreading about relationships,
communication styles, what makesus us how to be our best selves
, to show up for that.
And I have seen, even, you know, in my work as a therapist,
just the smallest shifts thatcan change relationships and
(10:54):
really evolve and grow people tohave really strong love,
compared to if we don't docertain things that can lead to
the end of a relationship.
So I've always been fascinatedby it.
So it kind of was like anatural fit to transition into
coaching Because even now, likewatching that show Love is Blind
, I love it.
I'm like so fascinated byrelationship dynamics and
communication styles and likewhat helps couples get to that
(11:17):
endpoint versus what led couplesto not get married or to break
up.
It's just, it's so interestingto me.
Chantée Christian (11:24):
Yeah, oh, it's crazy.
You just mentioned Love isBlind, because I literally just
finished season three two daysago.
Ali Guydan (11:32):
Oh, wow have you finished it I binge, watched it
in a couple of days.
Chantée Christian (11:38):
Okay, so first let me ask you what was
your favorite favorite season.
Ali Guydan (11:41):
I can't remember the prior seasons, so I'm gonna
have to say this season.
I don't remember the last timeI watched the show I think
season two.
I got bored with it and Ididn't finish it.
I'm pretty sure.
It's like this one, I was likeoh my gosh, these people, like
they were just so engaging andentertaining to watch.
Chantée Christian (12:01):
Yeah, this season was rough for me, and I
think it was rough because Ifeel like you mentioned
something earlier about havingtools.
Mm-hmm, I feel like they don'thave the tools that are required
to succeed in a generalrelationship, but specifically
one that you have built anintimate relationship with, and
(12:25):
when you're isolated, it's gonnabe great or not, but there were
still no tools in helping themnavigate their different
communication styles, theirdifferent behavioral triggers.
I'm pregnant, like there werejust things where I was like
flag on the plate, no one'sgonna step in.
Where's the producer?
Someone help them?
(12:46):
And I know that there wouldn'tbe someone in the house to help
them.
However, there areprofessionals that do this work
right, and so I'm like someonehelp guide them, because I think
that some of them may have madedifferent decisions had they
been able to really work throughjust a lot of the internal
monologue that they were having.
Ali Guydan (13:07):
Yes, definitely A lot of thinking of empathy for
the other person, validation fortheir feelings, regardless of
if they agree with theirfeelings or not.
So many things that I thinkcould who knows, maybe shifted
their experience.
But I know that those willtransform relationships today,
because, even if someone'sfeelings get hurt and you talk
(13:28):
about it one time, you can'tjust say, okay, I'm sorry, we're
done with this and close thebook.
Sometimes it's gonna come up acouple of times.
It's a wound that, yeah, theperson needs to work through.
But also, as a couple, you guysneed to feel like, okay, this
is safe and we can talk about itand I can get the validation or
support that I'm looking forfrom my partner.
Chantée Christian (13:48):
Yeah, that's good, that's good.
So I have a lot of singlefriends that are out there
dating.
What would be some datingadvice that you would have for
single people that are dating in2023?
Ali Guydan (14:04):
Dating advice.
Well, I would say getting clearon your personal values is huge
.
Knowing your musts, your wantsand your non-negotiables, like
your deal breakers, areimportant to have, but also to
make sure that they're realistic, because sometimes our musts
aren't always musts like I needsomeone this height, I need
(14:25):
someone this size, I needsomeone that makes this much
money.
I need all of these things, butI would think what to the core
of a person do you want?
Because that way, when we getclear on what our values are
ourselves, what values we wantin someone, our perception
shifts.
When we go on dates, when we goonline, when we meet people in
person, of what we notice andwhat we look for and knowing our
(14:47):
own emotional triggers andwounds Cause, if we had a
relationship in the past orfamily experience, history,
whatever it is where we haveemotional traumas from that,
things can get triggered andthen we can instantly write
people off, put our walls up, dodifferent things that maybe
that person wouldn't do that, orif you communicated however
(15:08):
you're feeling to someone, itcould grow to the next level.
So it's getting to knowyourself and what you want.
I think those two are reallyimportant.
Chantée Christian (15:17):
Okay, I like that.
I like that.
So, getting to know yourselfand getting to know what it is
that you want and don't want.
Ali Guydan (15:26):
Exactly and what's realistic.
So having real non-negotiablesand real wants, but who the
person is at their core, notsurface level things that are
looks change over time, whateversurface level, superficial
stuff that maybe is a desirelike that, would be an awesome
bonus.
(15:47):
But then what kind of person doyou want at the core?
What lifestyle do you want toshare with someone?
What values are the mostimportant to you?
Those things are the thingsthat matter and that makes
successful relationships.
Chantée Christian (16:00):
One of my friends.
She had been divorced andremarried and one of the things
that she told me when I hadfirst started dating like early
30s, maybe even still in my late20s and she told me to take a
piece of paper and fold it intothree.
Then the first column put allthe things that I would love to
(16:21):
have in my partner and thingsthat would be nice to have, and
then non-negotiables.
And I realized how shallow Iwas looking at this list and the
older I got, the more I wouldredo it and redo it and redo it,
and redo it, and redo it andredo it.
And last year, almost to date,I redid it and that was the stem
(16:45):
of how I started on what I callmy journey to love.
And so it was just beingrealistic about.
Well, when I had someone wholooked like all of these things,
they didn't treat me the waythat I thought that I wanted to
be treated, or show up in a waythat allowed me to show up, and
(17:08):
so I had to get really real withmyself about what it looked
like to be in a relationship,one with me.
And then who did I wanna be inrelationship with?
Ali Guydan (17:19):
Yeah.
Chantée Christian (17:20):
I love that.
Ali Guydan (17:21):
It's interesting how , through different phases of
life, what we want and seekchanges and the more we develop
that relationship with ourselvesthat we also know what I want,
what I deserve and what I need.
That's that emotionallyavailable person who's really
gonna show up and show up foryou.
Chantée Christian (17:42):
Yeah, I love that.
Okay, so then I have a wholebunch of friends who are in
relationships and or married.
So what advice do you give them?
Ali Guydan (17:54):
Well, it depends on their situation.
But if someone needs toreconnect because I think what
happens a lot of the times too,is we get into routines and
routines can get boring overtime, especially if there's
children involved, hectic workschedules, busy lives that come
up, things outside therelationship that we can start
(18:16):
to put less effort into therelationship.
But even if you're married for10 years, you still need to date
the person.
So do the little things thatshow that you care.
Check in with each other andsay how are you feeling, are
your needs, where are your needsat?
Talk about the things that arecoming up, because that way it's
better to be proactive ratherthan reactive later.
(18:38):
Then, if we're not talking aboutthings, we're not working
through things, we're notgrowing as a couple.
That's totally different andthat's what can lead to more
stressors in the relationshipand then challenges later on.
So it's do those little things.
It really matters, like doingthose little things along the
way and still dating the personand still getting to know the
person, cause even like you said, your list changed throughout
(19:01):
the years.
So much of us, as people,change and we have to relearn
our partners and re-explore thatlove through different phases
of life.
Chantée Christian (19:13):
Yeah, I like that.
I also wonder how does one keeptheir identity when in a
relationship, especially along-term relationship cause I
hear a lot of women, mothers,specifically saying that, saying
things they're not exactlysaying oh, I lost myself.
But when you ask them what'syour idea of fun, is usually
(19:36):
wrapped around their child orthe family unit or what do you
do to relax, and they're likerelax, what's that?
You know so, like what bringsyou joy, and they're like, oh,
that's a good question.
I'm like, let's talk about that, but how does one keep their
identity when they have otherresponsibilities, like that?
Ali Guydan (19:59):
As you're asking me this I just keep hearing
self-care is not selfish.
Chantée Christian (20:05):
Yes, yes.
Ali Guydan (20:07):
Like showing up for our kids.
We wanna do so much for them,for our partner, for the family
unit.
Like you said, there's so muchtime we have in a day to
allocate to everything thatsometimes we can neglect
ourselves.
But if we don't give even anhour a week to ourselves or
hopefully a little bit more thanan hour, but sometimes to
ourself each week we're gonnarun ourselves down into the
(20:29):
ground and we can't keep going.
So it's just knowing that it'sokay to take time for yourself
and it's okay to share that withyour partner and say this has
been a really busy week.
Can I have a night out with mydinner with a friend, or go get
my nails done, or go for a walkor just meditate, have time to
myself, whatever that looks liketo what you need, and have a
balance for both people, becausethe other person in the
(20:50):
relationship is gonna need thattoo and have that.
I think also, when it comes downto like what's really important
in our values, having that timeto reconnect with ourselves is
something that's important tohave and just trying to make
that time and sometimes it canget to the point where we've not
given energy into that part ofourselves for so long that we
(21:13):
don't know where to start.
So what does that look like?
I don't even know what I like.
What do I do?
What do you mean Like, taketime for yourself?
You have to relearn that.
So it's trying new things,going for a walk, having quiet
time and then, if you feel likeyour mind goes back to but I
have this whole list of thingsto do.
That list is still gonna bethere at the end of it, so
(21:33):
dwelling on it isn't gonnachange that.
So it's telling yourself andgiving yourself permission to
give back to yourself.
The same way you give to yourkids, you give to your partner,
you give to your pets, you giveto whoever it is in your life.
Chantée Christian (21:48):
That's good.
I have so many clients that arelike another one.
I send this to them.
They're gonna be like what,yeah, yeah, Because it's so
common, I think.
Just, even so, I don't havechildren.
However, I date someone who doesand I'm constantly saying, well
(22:11):
, what did you do for yourselftoday?
Like, what did you do foryourself this week?
Did you go?
It's like I didn't have time, Ididn't have time, and I'm like
the more that you don't maketime for you, the more that
you're built up just withunrecognizable frustration.
Right, People go on throughouttheir day not realizing what the
(22:34):
energy does and once it goesinto their body and how it
manifests, I'm busy, I'm busy,I'm busy.
I don't have enough time, Idon't have enough time, I don't
have enough time, and it's likeAlice in Wonderland.
They're like racing this clock.
That doesn't exist, Right, yeah, and I say that for my person,
but I also say that for myfriends and I say that for my
(22:58):
clients, where I wish there wasa button where we could just do
a little pause and allow them tojust take a breath, and it not
be because they lockedthemselves in the bathroom or
that, you know, they had to gosit in the car a little longer
before they got out of the carto be, you know, mom, dad or
whoever I.
(23:20):
Just I wish there was like abutton.
Ali Guydan (23:23):
Yeah, it's so important.
I always ask my clients thattoo.
I'm like what are you doing foryourself this week?
It's like one of we all like,I'm sure, like our way of
closing out sessions.
It's like one of my go-to's,because if we don't ask and it's
not natural, it's not going tobe on the forefront of someone's
mind.
It's a habit and a routine youhave to build in and start to
(23:45):
like acknowledge for yourselfthat I deserve this.
It's okay and you know we all.
It's a need we all have.
Chantée Christian (23:52):
Yeah, and I think one of the things when you
said one of the like we havesome of, we have signature
questions, right, just ingeneral, and one of mine is how,
how is that?
Or how are you honoringyourself?
Because I come from a spacewhere I believe that you are the
boundary right and so you don'thave to make a boundary.
You are it, and so when youoperate as such, then how are
(24:17):
you honoring your boundary, howare you honoring yourself?
And so it's one of thequestions that I ask often to my
clients, and sometimes they'llsay I know it's not like oh well
, this is awareness.
Yeah, do you?
You have an opportunity to makea change?
Is that something that you arewilling to do now, yes or no?
(24:42):
And I think that, as we'retalking about this, one of the
things that's coming to me isone of my coaching friends.
She loves to say what was thehighlight of your day, and I'll
never forget the first time sheasked me that I felt so bad,
which is rare.
But I felt bad because I waslike it's this Mountain Dew.
I had a Mountain Dew in my handand I was like I lighted my
(25:06):
days in Mountain Dew and then Iwas like, damn, that's pretty
bad, like of an entire day as aMountain Dew, let me go back and
replay the day, because I hadforgotten that there were like
really big things that hadhappened within the day, but
because everything was justhappening.
I wasn't aware of it, notconsciously, and so when I text
(25:28):
her back, I was like wait, wait,wait, wait, wait, take back my
Mountain Dew comment, like thatwasn't it.
And she was like uh-huh, uh-huh.
And I'm saying that because itreminds me that when we don't
stop and actually think about it, like you said, we won't do it,
(25:48):
it won't become a habit and isout of space where our mind will
go.
And so, if we don't take apause, do some self-care,
because it's also not luxury,right?
This is a mandate.
Ali Guydan (26:03):
Yes.
Chantée Christian (26:05):
It is a mandate, our minds won't be
hardwired to think that it'snormal.
Ali Guydan (26:10):
Yeah, yeah, I love that.
I love that question to askpeople.
I'll ask a similar one too, oflike how does this serve you and
how does this serve what you'rehoping for bringing in all of
that?
But then, as you're sharingthat, it's also making me think
back to what we talked about,like the journaling or writing
stuff down.
I think the biggest benefit ofthat is that reflection time,
(26:33):
cause if we don't stop toreflect, we're just on autopilot
and we can't say what felt good, what didn't feel good, what
sensations did I have in my body?
Was that good, was that bad?
Am I running myself too hard?
Do I need a break?
It's that, yeah, that time topause and reflect, which can
(26:54):
come from conversations, butalso that time where we can just
check out and be solely withourselves, is so important, and
that's fostering that lovingrelationship with yourself.
Chantée Christian (27:06):
Yeah.
Ali Guydan (27:07):
Spending that time by yourself.
Chantée Christian (27:09):
Yeah, because so often in relationships of
any sort, we offer others somuch more grace than we offer
ourselves.
And I even think about some ofmy clients who will work before
the sun comes up, and well,after the sun goes down, they
(27:31):
won't take time off for health.
They won't take a time off foranything.
They feel guilty, they feel badand or they felt we have been
working, we have been working.
However, it's the same thingright when they tied up their
worth with their work.
And so what will people thinkabout me if I'm not on at six
(27:54):
o'clock in the morning and eighto'clock at night?
Well, they'll think you have alife.
Ali Guydan (28:00):
Yes, they'll think you have a life and there's so
many parts to us, not just work,not just family, not just
whatever we're giving our energyand attention to.
Chantée Christian (28:13):
Yes, yes, we are not linear.
We are not linear, oh yes.
So I'm curious what's your takeon the term work-life balance?
Ali Guydan (28:27):
Well, I think it's important to have balance, but
it's more than just our work andjust our life.
And because, as you weretalking to, I was thinking,
there's this exercise that Ilike to do with people, because
we learn through our senses, tovisual, hearing, tactile, smell,
taste, whatever.
We learn through all of oursenses.
Sometimes a visual of this canbe really shocking for people,
(28:52):
like we'll create a pie charttogether, make a list of all the
different parts of life andthen give percentages to it and
put it together on a pie chart,and it can be like whoa, things
are way off balance.
No wonder I feel the way that Ifeel.
And then we'll recreate anotherpie chart how do you want the
flow to be?
And then we see the beginning,we see the end, we create that
(29:17):
roadmap to get there of what arethe steps we need to take to
start to make these changes,always with, like prefacing,
that change doesn't happenovernight, and so you're going
to see two steps forward, onestep back along the way, and
that's okay and normal, butthere's so much that that visual
does.
So work-life balance yes, it'simportant, but work in
(29:40):
everything, balance or justeverything.
Balance, I think, is such animportant way to see things,
because as we make the piecharts or we start to think
about where our energy andattention is going to, so many
different things can come upthat maybe wasn't factored in
before.
Chantée Christian (29:58):
Yeah, I love that.
I do that with my clients aswell.
I typically have them do it asa love assignment and then come
back with their reflection of it, because it gives them time to
really look at it and say, oh.
Ali Guydan (30:12):
Yeah.
Chantée Christian (30:18):
Because a lot of time is around time
management.
People are like, oh, I don'thave enough time in the day,
it's too much, I need more time.
If I had four more hours, youwould still say you don't have
enough time if we're being outof it.
And so what would you do withthe time?
What do you do with yourcurrent time?
Right, so let's make a piechart and list off everything
that you have some sort ofresponsibility, accountability
(30:40):
to and for.
Put it on there, but then Ihave them.
Do an ideal one, but would youlike it to be?
And then let's look at the gaps.
So if we're looking at a gapanalysis, where are we and what
can you shift now?
That'll get you closer to that.
Ali Guydan (30:57):
Yeah, I love it.
We're like on the same page.
It's so important to do that.
Chantée Christian (31:03):
So important.
When you were saying it, I waslike this is why I love coaching
.
I love it.
I love it when you think aboutlife coaching.
Well, let me back up.
You said that you doeducational therapy.
Yeah, Tell the people what thatmeans.
Ali Guydan (31:22):
So I do a lot of executive functioning skills,
which is like time management, alot of working with ADHD, so
keeping things in order, findingroutines, working on all the
things that come along with thatwith executive functioning
skills but also any other typeof learning disability.
I work primarily with that withmiddle school and up to adults.
(31:45):
If it's outside of the schoolrealm, it's going to be kind of
really similar to coaching.
To be honest, it's like whatisn't working in your life and
let's figure out how we can makethings work and shift things
around and get organized.
Work on time management.
If it comes to school, it canbe actual.
Let's say, if there'sstruggling with writing,
(32:07):
struggling with reading,struggling with organization, we
tackle those things and I'llgive tools and tips on how to do
that, but also advocating foryourself.
How do you talk to your teachers?
What do you need for yourself?
How do you balance your time,how do you take care of yourself
?
And it's not necessarily gradefocused, let's get you all A's.
It's like let's just see whatfeels difficult and give the
(32:30):
tools and strategies so thatfeels better.
So it's a lot of self-esteemwork that we do as well, of just
seeing what strengths are, whatdoesn't feel as strong.
And then the language that I use.
I'm also very mindful of itbecause I don't like to use,
let's say, the word hard or thisis difficult, whatever any
negative term.
I'll say it's tricky, causesome things are tricky for all
(32:53):
of us, but then labelingsomething as tricky, compared to
like this, I can't do this.
It's a very different mindset,and then we're gonna approach
things differently, based on thelanguage and mindset that we
use for something.
So I'll see grades transform,I'll see confidence transform,
but it's not the focus on thegrades, it's the focus on the
(33:15):
mindset, the emotions, the tools, the tips and the strategies
that people really need to justgrow and evolve in that setting
too.
Chantée Christian (33:25):
Yeah, I love that.
I love that because languagematters so much and it is a
direct correlation and itaffects how we think and how we
feel and how we are.
I love it.
I feel like people are notgonna believe, but I feel like
(33:46):
we had, like there was a cheatsheet somewhere, because I have
a thing about words and I have athing about the way people talk
about themselves and so whenpeople say, you know, oh, that's
really hard, or that was theworst, I could do so much better
, or and it was better than whatyou did, the best that you
could do with what you have,when we start putting words like
(34:09):
better, best and worse and badinto things, they put its own
judgment and so feel withjudgment and judging ourselves.
And so some of my clients knowthat I haven't vanished the word
self-compassion from any of ourconversations, because the word
(34:29):
compassion by itself meanspitiless sorrow and then, just
because they put self in frontof it, it was automatically
supposed to mean kindness andall these things.
I was like I call BS on justthe word people.
Hello, I don't know who createdthis language, but it's wildly
incorrect when you think aboutit, right, cause I tell my
(34:51):
clients this all the time.
I don't wanna haveself-compassion for myself, not
in the way that compassionitself is defined.
Yeah, it's like self-compassionis not defined the same way
that self and or compassion is.
Ali Guydan (35:05):
Yeah, you, which really it matters too, because,
let's say, even I thought in aversion to saying I think I said
like strengths and likeChallenging areas, or something
I have like an aversion to, likethe term weakness, because
we'll start to identify.
I am this, I struggle with this.
Yeah, too, if we say you knowit's tricky or you know I'm
(35:28):
working on it, whatever likefuture supportive Growth,
mindset, words that we can comeup with, it just makes such a
difference of the labels we use,who we identify ourselves as
and what we think is possiblefor us.
So, yeah, and that I neverthought of self-compassion that
way, I never heard it like Iliterally think I'm gonna look
(35:49):
that up after this because Ididn't, yeah, I didn't know, but
it's important and it'ssomething that I think we should
all be mindful of.
Chantée Christian (35:56):
Yeah, like so in all fairness, I'm also a
calm major, so words matter somuch to me, but I can't remember
.
Oh, I do recall we one of myaunts is heavily into a mega
church, and in that they theyhad given like a gifts
(36:20):
assessment and she had rankedreally low on compassion.
And I did a similar one and Iwas like, oh, me too.
This is like God.
Why is it this?
Resonating, though?
And then the word just keptcoming up.
So I was with one of my coachesand she was like you know, we
really need to talk about havingmore compassion.
I was like, every time someonesays the word, it's like a knot
(36:40):
in my stomach, like there waslike no resignation with it.
I'm like why is this wordcausing so much physical
Reaction?
And so I went and googled theword.
I was like what is this word?
And I was like, oh, this wordnow wonder.
I think that there are times forcompassion in general.
Like, let me be clear, I don'twant anyone to think that I do
(37:02):
not think that there are timesfor Compassionate and having a
compassionate heart and space.
However, I'm talking about meand my grace and my kindness for
self.
I don't want to have sorrow andpity for myself, yeah, disguise
it as something that issupposed to be, what it is
(37:22):
kindness and grace andforgiveness and all of the
things for self right and so andone of my clients was like you,
just trying to take anotherword out of my vocabulary, I was
like you, look at it foryourself.
Yeah, and oh my god, I tried totell you that is.
It's the oddest thing to me.
I said just because you putself in front of a word doesn't
(37:43):
mean the word changes.
Ali Guydan (37:45):
Yeah.
Chantée Christian (37:46):
Right.
So yeah, I'm actually making anote to put it inside of the
podcast notes, because I'm surethere will be some disbelievers.
Ali Guydan (37:53):
I know it's so interesting, but yeah, as you
were listing all of that, it'sjust.
It's like having that self lovefor yourself, because there's
gonna be times that feel good,at times that things don't go as
well as we had hoped, and it'sall okay, and it's all less and
it's all growth, because thethings that go really well
Awesome.
Let's do more of this.
If something doesn't go superwell, there's always a takeaway
(38:15):
message, always what can I getfrom this?
What does this tell me aboutfuture directions that I want to
go in?
You know, what do I want to trythe same?
What do I want to try different?
And there's no really good orbad things.
It's just messages that we getback based off of experience,
and from that we can makeeducated decisions of where we'd
like to go with it, based onthe information that we have at
(38:37):
hand.
Chantée Christian (38:38):
Yes, and I would even go a step further
than educated like consciousyeah, that's a better word.
Yeah, they're so consciousBecause we make educated,
unconscious decisions all thetime mm-hmm.
Ali Guydan (38:53):
Yeah, more like yeah , awareness and based on
whatever that we've experienced.
Chantée Christian (38:59):
Yeah, and that's all it is, because the
more awareness that we gain, themore choice that we get, and
the more choice that we have,the more we're able to say, hmm,
let me either go find out moreabout that, get clarity on it,
or I have enough to make adecision that I'm okay with,
(39:20):
however the chips may land.
Yeah, you know, and so I love it.
I love it because it's like ahundred percent with I don't
even think I told you this, butit goes a hundred percent with
my triple A's world of Awareness, acceptance and authenticity
right.
I think I might have just Itold you about those, but it is
(39:40):
literally a cyclical, cyclicalright.
So the more awareness that wehave, then we get to make choice
, and even not making a choice,like having a standstill, is
still making a choice when wehave more awareness and one of
those things, we have moreconsciousness right, and then
we're able to accept.
However, the impacts are forourselves directly and others
(40:03):
potentially indirectly, and webecome more and more and more of
a version of us.
So I love that.
Yeah, that's awesome.
So so we have talked aboutquite a few things today and I'm
curious what would you want toleave the people with?
Ali Guydan (40:23):
Well, we've talked definitely about a lot of things
, but I feel like one of thethemes we Talked about it's just
getting to know ourselvesbetter and what serves us, based
on experience.
So I would say the thing Iwould leave people with is just
Taking I don't know, checking inwith yourself, seeing where you
(40:44):
are, what feels good, what's analignment, what feels out of
alignment, and, based on that,where you want to see yourself
grow and how you want to seeyourself evolve, because,
ultimately, we're never going tobe the same person we are today
, a month from now, a year fromnow, a few years from now.
So, thinking of where you wantto go and what you want to do
(41:06):
and what areas of your life youwant to put more Energy and
effort into to feel like you'rehappy as hell, oh I love that, I
love that.
Chantée Christian (41:15):
So where can the people find you?
Ali Guydan (41:18):
They can find me on my website, Alison dash Marie
calm, or on my Instagram that Ijust started, like a month or
month and a half ago, alisonMarie coaching, and those two
places would probably be thebest place to find me.
Okay, and you I can vouch foryour Instagram.
Chantée Christian (41:38):
It's awesome.
I love it.
I'm constantly reposting thingsin my stories, so definitely go
check her out on Instagram, andwe'll also have that
information in the podcast notes, so for anyone that didn't
catch it, no worries, it'll bein there as well.
Hey, thank you for Thank youfor joining me on the my best
(41:59):
shift podcast and, if I heardyou correctly, this was your
first podcast, as a guest.
Ali Guydan (42:05):
This is my first podcast.
I'm so happy to be here.
Chantée Christian (42:09):
Yes, I'm excited, thank you.
I have so many first timers.
I love it.
I'm like I need to go back andmake a list of all the first
timers.
I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the my best
(42:30):
shift podcast.
I Enjoyed talking with Aliabout growth and self evolution.
For more information or if youlike to reach out to please
visit @MyBest Shift t_ LLC onInstagram.
Remember, stop doing shit thatdoesn't serve you.
See you later.
Hello good people.
This is Chantée Christian, andyou are listening to the My Best
Shift Podcast.
In today's episode, Ali and Italk about what we deserve and
(00:25):
it being perfectly okay.
Hi, Allison, how are you doingtoday?
Hi, I'm good.
How are you doing?
I'm doing well.
I'm so excited to have you joinme on the podcast today.
(00:49):
But before we get to Tuzu inthe weeds, why don't you tell
the people a little bit aboutyourself?
Ali Guydan (00:59):
Yes.
So first of all, I'm so happyto be here.
It's actually the first podcastI've done.
I feel like I kind of likemanifested it a couple of weeks
ago because I put it out there,I was like I want to be on one.
But to let you know a littlebit about me so, born and raised
in Southern California, I'veonly lived outside of Southern
California once and that was forcollege.
(01:21):
I went to Berkeley for undergrad, which was such a cool
experience, and then I came backto Southern California to work,
to do grad school and then tostart to get into my career.
So my career actually startedin psychology.
I got my undergrad in psych andthen my master's in marriage
and family therapy and worked asa therapist for a while until I
(01:43):
decided it really didn't feellike the right fit.
Like always knew that I wantedto help people, but not
necessarily in that setting.
I really like the idea ofhelping people in a way that's
like future focused.
This is where we are, but let'sfigure out where you want to be
.
So then I switched gears anddid more school to become an
educational therapist and now Ido educational therapy and then
(02:07):
I also do life, dating andrelationship coaching.
So pulling in a little bit ofthe psychology background into
helping people now, but in adifferent way.
That's a little bit more futurefocused.
Chantée Christian (02:17):
I love that.
It's probably one of the mainreasons that I love coaching so
much, because, while I lovetherapy personally and for
others, it also typically lacksthe forward action, and I love
that part about coaching.
I love it.
I love it 100%.
Ali Guydan (02:36):
Yeah, I think therapy is so helpful and it's
such an important tool and thingfor people to have.
But yeah, there's that partwhere it's like, okay, but what
now is?
We can work through past stuff,but then, when we think about
the future, we still need toolsand support and strategies to
propel us in the next version ofourselves and where we want to
really see ourselves going.
Chantée Christian (02:58):
Absolutely, absolutely, and it's one of the
biggest things that I tell mycoaching clients, right, how to
differentiate between therapyand coaching.
When we're talking aboutcoaching because therapy is
typically more focused on pasttraumas and how to heal you from
that perspective Versus incoaching, we're going to
(03:20):
acknowledge and validate it andwe're going to ask you some
questions about how is itserving you now and how is it
holding you back from the futurethat you anticipate or that you
say that you want.
Ali Guydan (03:32):
Yeah, because it's still those insightful questions
and like getting to the bottomof things, like blocks so much
of it in coaching.
It's like what's blocking youfrom getting to that next level?
But then let's work on that toget you there.
Chantée Christian (03:47):
Yeah, yeah, I'm so curious.
So where did you get yourcoaching?
And you are.
I do not know the answer tothis.
Just FYI, what did you get yourcoaching search from?
Ali Guydan (04:00):
Um, I've done become a certified coach in your life
purpose coach and then also in amindset coach, and so I've done
both of them online and thenI'm also.
I've done masterminds andthings like that for myself as a
coach, which I think is soimportant because if we don't go
through that, get training andget firsthand experience, we're
(04:22):
never going to be able to fullyunderstand what it's like from
the client's perspective.
If we haven't done it and if wedon't have the proper tools to
do that, no, absolutely.
Chantée Christian (04:32):
We can only take our clients as far as we've
gone.
And so if we haven't done thework, and so I like to call and
I don't like the word homeworkso I say love assignments.
So, um, in my love assignmentsI've done them all Right.
I don't give my clientsanything that I haven't done
already, and most of the timeI've either done it with one of
(04:54):
my coaches or it was the ideathat I had, or talking to a
friend, or reading a book.
Let me be clear I don't reallyread books.
I listen to books.
So listening to a book orcoming across an article or
something and doing it, but Ican't ask them to do it because
I don't know what it's going toinvoke.
In general, until I try it,until I agree wholeheartedly
(05:15):
with the notion of being able toput yourself inside your
client's shoes, to be able toprovide for them and get them
where they need to be.
Ali Guydan (05:23):
Definitely yeah, because our background and
training is important.
But then it's also well,there's also, I feel like, a
sense of intuition that comeswith coaching too, because you
have to have that intuition totap into what's going on.
But then have the tools andstrategies but I'm not a big fan
of the word homework either,and then same journaling I feel
like can be another trigger wordof like what do you mean?
(05:44):
I have to sit and write.
It's like the tools andstrategies and things that
people can do.
But I always like to help findwhat's aligned to the client,
Because for all of us everythingis going to be different with
what terminology works for us,what tools work for us.
Chantée Christian (05:58):
So it's starting to find that, yeah,
blending all of those thingstogether, yeah, so when you
think about coaching, what isone of your favorite things
about it?
Ali Guydan (06:12):
I love seeing the like aha moments of oh my god,
that's what I needed to talkabout, that's what I needed to
hear.
That's the moment oftransformation.
And then seeing the beginningto the end stages, Because so
many times it's like coming intocoaching and starting to work
(06:33):
with someone.
It's at a point of I've triedso many things, nothing's
working.
I feel frustrated.
Then going through the ups anddowns and like I care so much
about the people that I workwith too and I want to see the
best for people and celebratetheir wins.
And then to the end of it, ofyou know, bettering their
relationship, betteringthemselves, and with dating and
(06:56):
relationship coaching, there'salways going to be that
transformation within yourselftoo, Not just with the life
coaching part of it.
So it's seeing thattransformation.
As I'm saying this, someonecome to mind of just like
they're beginning to end justreally wanting to transform
their relationship, but it cameto transforming their self worth
(07:16):
, their self esteem, what theydeserve, their communication and
then seeing as we try differentthings, their partner react
differently to them.
Their partner start to get moreengaged, start to open up more
and then at the end of it, oh,they just got married.
I'm so happy for them.
It's like such a great likesuccess story.
Chantée Christian (07:38):
I love that, and I think the biggest part
that I took away from that,though, is that we're 50% of any
relationship right If they're,especially if they're two people
right.
So we're talking about a twoperson relationship.
We're 50% of that, and when wework on our whole 100% of our 50
, it changes the dynamic of therelationship, because it's no
(08:02):
longer focused on the otherperson and what they did or
didn't do, or did or didn't say,or how, how they made me do XYZ
right.
It's more so in alignment withhuh.
It's really not about me, thoseassumptions I had, those
(08:23):
stories that I'm making up withno foundation, and all those
things, but when we do the workon us, it changes literally
every piece of our lives.
I think that's part of theawesome.
Ali Guydan (08:34):
Yes, and it's that part of getting curious.
You get curious with yourself,you get curious with your
partner, no matter what.
I feel like that's afoundational tool to have for
yourself, because with ourpartners we make assumptions.
With dates, we make assumptions.
They don't like me.
You know I did this wrong,whatever it is.
You know my partner does thisbecause XYZ.
(08:55):
But then if you actually askthem like I'm curious, like let
me know, or I noticed this, whatwas this like for you?
And then we also check in withourselves in our own personal
experiences Wow, I had thisreaction or this emotion.
What is this trying to tell me?
What's this trying to show me?
Yeah, that curiosity also islike a huge catalyst to
(09:16):
transformation, because it givesus information and feedback and
with that we have so much thatwe can do with it to grow and
evolve.
Chantée Christian (09:23):
Yeah, I have so many questions in my head
because I remember as a childthe phrase curiosity killed the
cat, and I still don'tunderstand it, because curiosity
is one of the biggest forms ofclarity.
It just brings a space wherewe're able to ask more questions
(09:45):
.
Now, the way we ask thequestions, it's our thing, right
, but the curiosity, and comingfrom a space of curiosity,
always feels genuine too, and soI just I don't know.
I love that, so tell me, whatgot you into dating and
relationship coaching?
Ali Guydan (10:07):
I've always had a fascination with relationships,
with dating, with attachmentstyles, with what makes us tick,
because I feel like there's somuch joy that comes from
relationships and it's such alike special part of life that
we get experience.
But then I also see how so manysmall little things can take a
(10:30):
great relationship and then leadit to ending the relationship.
So before I went back to schoolfor my masters, I was doing
just all kinds of research andreading about relationships,
communication styles, what makesus us how to be our best selves
, to show up for that.
And I have seen, even, you know, in my work as a therapist,
just the smallest shifts thatcan change relationships and
(10:54):
really evolve and grow people tohave really strong love,
compared to if we don't docertain things that can lead to
the end of a relationship.
So I've always been fascinatedby it.
So it kind of was like anatural fit to transition into
coaching Because even now, likewatching that show Love is Blind
, I love it.
I'm like so fascinated byrelationship dynamics and
communication styles and likewhat helps couples get to that
(11:17):
endpoint versus what led couplesto not get married or to break
up.
It's just, it's so interestingto me.
Chantée Christian (11:24):
Yeah, oh, it's crazy.
You just mentioned Love isBlind, because I literally just
finished season three two daysago.
Ali Guydan (11:32):
Oh, wow have you finished it I binge, watched it
in a couple of days.
Chantée Christian (11:38):
Okay, so first let me ask you what was
your favorite favorite season.
Ali Guydan (11:41):
I can't remember the prior seasons, so I'm gonna
have to say this season.
I don't remember the last timeI watched the show I think
season two.
I got bored with it and Ididn't finish it.
I'm pretty sure.
It's like this one, I was likeoh my gosh, these people, like
they were just so engaging andentertaining to watch.
Chantée Christian (12:01):
Yeah, this season was rough for me, and I
think it was rough because Ifeel like you mentioned
something earlier about havingtools.
Mm-hmm, I feel like they don'thave the tools that are required
to succeed in a generalrelationship, but specifically
one that you have built anintimate relationship with, and
(12:25):
when you're isolated, it's gonnabe great or not, but there were
still no tools in helping themnavigate their different
communication styles, theirdifferent behavioral triggers.
I'm pregnant, like there werejust things where I was like
flag on the plate, no one'sgonna step in.
Where's the producer?
Someone help them?
(12:46):
And I know that there wouldn'tbe someone in the house to help
them.
However, there areprofessionals that do this work
right, and so I'm like someonehelp guide them, because I think
that some of them may have madedifferent decisions had they
been able to really work throughjust a lot of the internal
monologue that they were having.
Ali Guydan (13:07):
Yes, definitely A lot of thinking of empathy for
the other person, validation fortheir feelings, regardless of
if they agree with theirfeelings or not.
So many things that I thinkcould who knows, maybe shifted
their experience.
But I know that those willtransform relationships today,
because, even if someone'sfeelings get hurt and you talk
(13:28):
about it one time, you can'tjust say, okay, I'm sorry, we're
done with this and close thebook.
Sometimes it's gonna come up acouple of times.
It's a wound that, yeah, theperson needs to work through.
But also, as a couple, you guysneed to feel like, okay, this
is safe and we can talk about itand I can get the validation or
support that I'm looking forfrom my partner.
Chantée Christian (13:48):
Yeah, that's good, that's good.
So I have a lot of singlefriends that are out there
dating.
What would be some datingadvice that you would have for
single people that are dating in2023?
Ali Guydan (14:04):
Dating advice.
Well, I would say getting clearon your personal values is huge
.
Knowing your musts, your wantsand your non-negotiables, like
your deal breakers, areimportant to have, but also to
make sure that they're realistic, because sometimes our musts
aren't always musts like I needsomeone this height, I need
(14:25):
someone this size, I needsomeone that makes this much
money.
I need all of these things, butI would think what to the core
of a person do you want?
Because that way, when we getclear on what our values are
ourselves, what values we wantin someone, our perception
shifts.
When we go on dates, when we goonline, when we meet people in
person, of what we notice andwhat we look for and knowing our
(14:47):
own emotional triggers andwounds Cause, if we had a
relationship in the past orfamily experience, history,
whatever it is where we haveemotional traumas from that,
things can get triggered andthen we can instantly write
people off, put our walls up, dodifferent things that maybe
that person wouldn't do that, orif you communicated however
(15:08):
you're feeling to someone, itcould grow to the next level.
So it's getting to knowyourself and what you want.
I think those two are reallyimportant.
Chantée Christian (15:17):
Okay, I like that.
I like that.
So, getting to know yourselfand getting to know what it is
that you want and don't want.
Ali Guydan (15:26):
Exactly and what's realistic.
So having real non-negotiablesand real wants, but who the
person is at their core, notsurface level things that are
looks change over time, whateversurface level, superficial
stuff that maybe is a desirelike that, would be an awesome
bonus.
(15:47):
But then what kind of person doyou want at the core?
What lifestyle do you want toshare with someone?
What values are the mostimportant to you?
Those things are the thingsthat matter and that makes
successful relationships.
Chantée Christian (16:00):
One of my friends.
She had been divorced andremarried and one of the things
that she told me when I hadfirst started dating like early
30s, maybe even still in my late20s and she told me to take a
piece of paper and fold it intothree.
Then the first column put allthe things that I would love to
(16:21):
have in my partner and thingsthat would be nice to have, and
then non-negotiables.
And I realized how shallow Iwas looking at this list and the
older I got, the more I wouldredo it and redo it and redo it,
and redo it, and redo it andredo it.
And last year, almost to date,I redid it and that was the stem
(16:45):
of how I started on what I callmy journey to love.
And so it was just beingrealistic about.
Well, when I had someone wholooked like all of these things,
they didn't treat me the waythat I thought that I wanted to
be treated, or show up in a waythat allowed me to show up, and
(17:08):
so I had to get really real withmyself about what it looked
like to be in a relationship,one with me.
And then who did I wanna be inrelationship with?
Ali Guydan (17:19):
Yeah.
Chantée Christian (17:20):
I love that.
Ali Guydan (17:21):
It's interesting how , through different phases of
life, what we want and seekchanges and the more we develop
that relationship with ourselvesthat we also know what I want,
what I deserve and what I need.
That's that emotionallyavailable person who's really
gonna show up and show up foryou.
Chantée Christian (17:42):
Yeah, I love that.
Okay, so then I have a wholebunch of friends who are in
relationships and or married.
So what advice do you give them?
Ali Guydan (17:54):
Well, it depends on their situation.
But if someone needs toreconnect because I think what
happens a lot of the times too,is we get into routines and
routines can get boring overtime, especially if there's
children involved, hectic workschedules, busy lives that come
up, things outside therelationship that we can start
(18:16):
to put less effort into therelationship.
But even if you're married for10 years, you still need to date
the person.
So do the little things thatshow that you care.
Check in with each other andsay how are you feeling, are
your needs, where are your needsat?
Talk about the things that arecoming up, because that way it's
better to be proactive ratherthan reactive later.
(18:38):
Then, if we're not talking aboutthings, we're not working
through things, we're notgrowing as a couple.
That's totally different andthat's what can lead to more
stressors in the relationshipand then challenges later on.
So it's do those little things.
It really matters, like doingthose little things along the
way and still dating the personand still getting to know the
person, cause even like you said, your list changed throughout
(19:01):
the years.
So much of us, as people,change and we have to relearn
our partners and re-explore thatlove through different phases
of life.
Chantée Christian (19:13):
Yeah, I like that.
I also wonder how does one keeptheir identity when in a
relationship, especially along-term relationship cause I
hear a lot of women, mothers,specifically saying that, saying
things they're not exactlysaying oh, I lost myself.
But when you ask them what'syour idea of fun, is usually
(19:36):
wrapped around their child orthe family unit or what do you
do to relax, and they're likerelax, what's that?
You know so, like what bringsyou joy, and they're like, oh,
that's a good question.
I'm like, let's talk about that, but how does one keep their
identity when they have otherresponsibilities, like that?
Ali Guydan (19:59):
As you're asking me this I just keep hearing
self-care is not selfish.
Chantée Christian (20:05):
Yes, yes.
Ali Guydan (20:07):
Like showing up for our kids.
We wanna do so much for them,for our partner, for the family
unit.
Like you said, there's so muchtime we have in a day to
allocate to everything thatsometimes we can neglect
ourselves.
But if we don't give even anhour a week to ourselves or
hopefully a little bit more thanan hour, but sometimes to
ourself each week we're gonnarun ourselves down into the
(20:29):
ground and we can't keep going.
So it's just knowing that it'sokay to take time for yourself
and it's okay to share that withyour partner and say this has
been a really busy week.
Can I have a night out with mydinner with a friend, or go get
my nails done, or go for a walkor just meditate, have time to
myself, whatever that looks liketo what you need, and have a
balance for both people, becausethe other person in the
(20:50):
relationship is gonna need thattoo and have that.
I think also, when it comes downto like what's really important
in our values, having that timeto reconnect with ourselves is
something that's important tohave and just trying to make
that time and sometimes it canget to the point where we've not
given energy into that part ofourselves for so long that we
(21:13):
don't know where to start.
So what does that look like?
I don't even know what I like.
What do I do?
What do you mean Like, taketime for yourself?
You have to relearn that.
So it's trying new things,going for a walk, having quiet
time and then, if you feel likeyour mind goes back to but I
have this whole list of thingsto do.
That list is still gonna bethere at the end of it, so
(21:33):
dwelling on it isn't gonnachange that.
So it's telling yourself andgiving yourself permission to
give back to yourself.
The same way you give to yourkids, you give to your partner,
you give to your pets, you giveto whoever it is in your life.
Chantée Christian (21:48):
That's good.
I have so many clients that arelike another one.
I send this to them.
They're gonna be like what,yeah, yeah, Because it's so
common, I think.
Just, even so, I don't havechildren.
However, I date someone who doesand I'm constantly saying, well
(22:11):
, what did you do for yourselftoday?
Like, what did you do foryourself this week?
Did you go?
It's like I didn't have time, Ididn't have time, and I'm like
the more that you don't maketime for you, the more that
you're built up just withunrecognizable frustration.
Right, People go on throughouttheir day not realizing what the
(22:34):
energy does and once it goesinto their body and how it
manifests, I'm busy, I'm busy,I'm busy.
I don't have enough time, Idon't have enough time, I don't
have enough time, and it's likeAlice in Wonderland.
They're like racing this clock.
That doesn't exist, Right, yeah, and I say that for my person,
but I also say that for myfriends and I say that for my
(22:58):
clients, where I wish there wasa button where we could just do
a little pause and allow them tojust take a breath, and it not
be because they lockedthemselves in the bathroom or
that, you know, they had to gosit in the car a little longer
before they got out of the carto be, you know, mom, dad or
whoever I.
(23:20):
Just I wish there was like abutton.
Ali Guydan (23:23):
Yeah, it's so important.
I always ask my clients thattoo.
I'm like what are you doing foryourself this week?
It's like one of we all like,I'm sure, like our way of
closing out sessions.
It's like one of my go-to's,because if we don't ask and it's
not natural, it's not going tobe on the forefront of someone's
mind.
It's a habit and a routine youhave to build in and start to
(23:45):
like acknowledge for yourselfthat I deserve this.
It's okay and you know we all.
It's a need we all have.
Chantée Christian (23:52):
Yeah, and I think one of the things when you
said one of the like we havesome of, we have signature
questions, right, just ingeneral, and one of mine is how,
how is that?
Or how are you honoringyourself?
Because I come from a spacewhere I believe that you are the
boundary right and so you don'thave to make a boundary.
You are it, and so when youoperate as such, then how are
(24:17):
you honoring your boundary, howare you honoring yourself?
And so it's one of thequestions that I ask often to my
clients, and sometimes they'llsay I know it's not like oh well
, this is awareness.
Yeah, do you?
You have an opportunity to makea change?
Is that something that you arewilling to do now, yes or no?
(24:42):
And I think that, as we'retalking about this, one of the
things that's coming to me isone of my coaching friends.
She loves to say what was thehighlight of your day, and I'll
never forget the first time sheasked me that I felt so bad,
which is rare.
But I felt bad because I waslike it's this Mountain Dew.
I had a Mountain Dew in my handand I was like I lighted my
(25:06):
days in Mountain Dew and then Iwas like, damn, that's pretty
bad, like of an entire day as aMountain Dew, let me go back and
replay the day, because I hadforgotten that there were like
really big things that hadhappened within the day, but
because everything was justhappening.
I wasn't aware of it, notconsciously, and so when I text
(25:28):
her back, I was like wait, wait,wait, wait, wait, take back my
Mountain Dew comment, like thatwasn't it.
And she was like uh-huh, uh-huh.
And I'm saying that because itreminds me that when we don't
stop and actually think about it, like you said, we won't do it,
(25:48):
it won't become a habit and isout of space where our mind will
go.
And so, if we don't take apause, do some self-care,
because it's also not luxury,right?
This is a mandate.
Ali Guydan (26:03):
Yes.
Chantée Christian (26:05):
It is a mandate, our minds won't be
hardwired to think that it'snormal.
Ali Guydan (26:10):
Yeah, yeah, I love that.
I love that question to askpeople.
I'll ask a similar one too, oflike how does this serve you and
how does this serve what you'rehoping for bringing in all of
that?
But then, as you're sharingthat, it's also making me think
back to what we talked about,like the journaling or writing
stuff down.
I think the biggest benefit ofthat is that reflection time,
(26:33):
cause if we don't stop toreflect, we're just on autopilot
and we can't say what felt good, what didn't feel good, what
sensations did I have in my body?
Was that good, was that bad?
Am I running myself too hard?
Do I need a break?
It's that, yeah, that time topause and reflect, which can
(26:54):
come from conversations, butalso that time where we can just
check out and be solely withourselves, is so important, and
that's fostering that lovingrelationship with yourself.
Chantée Christian (27:06):
Yeah.
Ali Guydan (27:07):
Spending that time by yourself.
Chantée Christian (27:09):
Yeah, because so often in relationships of
any sort, we offer others somuch more grace than we offer
ourselves.
And I even think about some ofmy clients who will work before
the sun comes up, and well,after the sun goes down, they
(27:31):
won't take time off for health.
They won't take a time off foranything.
They feel guilty, they feel badand or they felt we have been
working, we have been working.
However, it's the same thingright when they tied up their
worth with their work.
And so what will people thinkabout me if I'm not on at six
(27:54):
o'clock in the morning and eighto'clock at night?
Well, they'll think you have alife.
Ali Guydan (28:00):
Yes, they'll think you have a life and there's so
many parts to us, not just work,not just family, not just
whatever we're giving our energyand attention to.
Chantée Christian (28:13):
Yes, yes, we are not linear.
We are not linear, oh yes.
So I'm curious what's your takeon the term work-life balance?
Ali Guydan (28:27):
Well, I think it's important to have balance, but
it's more than just our work andjust our life.
And because, as you weretalking to, I was thinking,
there's this exercise that Ilike to do with people, because
we learn through our senses, tovisual, hearing, tactile, smell,
taste, whatever.
We learn through all of oursenses.
Sometimes a visual of this canbe really shocking for people,
(28:52):
like we'll create a pie charttogether, make a list of all the
different parts of life andthen give percentages to it and
put it together on a pie chart,and it can be like whoa, things
are way off balance.
No wonder I feel the way that Ifeel.
And then we'll recreate anotherpie chart how do you want the
flow to be?
And then we see the beginning,we see the end, we create that
(29:17):
roadmap to get there of what arethe steps we need to take to
start to make these changes,always with, like prefacing,
that change doesn't happenovernight, and so you're going
to see two steps forward, onestep back along the way, and
that's okay and normal, butthere's so much that that visual
does.
So work-life balance yes, it'simportant, but work in
(29:40):
everything, balance or justeverything.
Balance, I think, is such animportant way to see things,
because as we make the piecharts or we start to think
about where our energy andattention is going to, so many
different things can come upthat maybe wasn't factored in
before.
Chantée Christian (29:58):
Yeah, I love that.
I do that with my clients aswell.
I typically have them do it asa love assignment and then come
back with their reflection of it, because it gives them time to
really look at it and say, oh.
Ali Guydan (30:12):
Yeah.
Chantée Christian (30:18):
Because a lot of time is around time
management.
People are like, oh, I don'thave enough time in the day,
it's too much, I need more time.
If I had four more hours, youwould still say you don't have
enough time if we're being outof it.
And so what would you do withthe time?
What do you do with yourcurrent time?
Right, so let's make a piechart and list off everything
that you have some sort ofresponsibility, accountability
(30:40):
to and for.
Put it on there, but then Ihave them.
Do an ideal one, but would youlike it to be?
And then let's look at the gaps.
So if we're looking at a gapanalysis, where are we and what
can you shift now?
That'll get you closer to that.
Ali Guydan (30:57):
Yeah, I love it.
We're like on the same page.
It's so important to do that.
Chantée Christian (31:03):
So important.
When you were saying it, I waslike this is why I love coaching
.
I love it.
I love it when you think aboutlife coaching.
Well, let me back up.
You said that you doeducational therapy.
Yeah, Tell the people what thatmeans.
Ali Guydan (31:22):
So I do a lot of executive functioning skills,
which is like time management, alot of working with ADHD, so
keeping things in order, findingroutines, working on all the
things that come along with thatwith executive functioning
skills but also any other typeof learning disability.
I work primarily with that withmiddle school and up to adults.
(31:45):
If it's outside of the schoolrealm, it's going to be kind of
really similar to coaching.
To be honest, it's like whatisn't working in your life and
let's figure out how we can makethings work and shift things
around and get organized.
Work on time management.
If it comes to school, it canbe actual.
Let's say, if there'sstruggling with writing,
(32:07):
struggling with reading,struggling with organization, we
tackle those things and I'llgive tools and tips on how to do
that, but also advocating foryourself.
How do you talk to your teachers?
What do you need for yourself?
How do you balance your time,how do you take care of yourself
?
And it's not necessarily gradefocused, let's get you all A's.
It's like let's just see whatfeels difficult and give the
(32:30):
tools and strategies so thatfeels better.
So it's a lot of self-esteemwork that we do as well, of just
seeing what strengths are, whatdoesn't feel as strong.
And then the language that I use.
I'm also very mindful of itbecause I don't like to use,
let's say, the word hard or thisis difficult, whatever any
negative term.
I'll say it's tricky, causesome things are tricky for all
(32:53):
of us, but then labelingsomething as tricky, compared to
like this, I can't do this.
It's a very different mindset,and then we're gonna approach
things differently, based on thelanguage and mindset that we
use for something.
So I'll see grades transform,I'll see confidence transform,
but it's not the focus on thegrades, it's the focus on the
(33:15):
mindset, the emotions, the tools, the tips and the strategies
that people really need to justgrow and evolve in that setting
too.
Chantée Christian (33:25):
Yeah, I love that.
I love that because languagematters so much and it is a
direct correlation and itaffects how we think and how we
feel and how we are.
I love it.
I feel like people are notgonna believe, but I feel like
(33:46):
we had, like there was a cheatsheet somewhere, because I have
a thing about words and I have athing about the way people talk
about themselves and so whenpeople say, you know, oh, that's
really hard, or that was theworst, I could do so much better
, or and it was better than whatyou did, the best that you
could do with what you have,when we start putting words like
(34:09):
better, best and worse and badinto things, they put its own
judgment and so feel withjudgment and judging ourselves.
And so some of my clients knowthat I haven't vanished the word
self-compassion from any of ourconversations, because the word
(34:29):
compassion by itself meanspitiless sorrow and then, just
because they put self in frontof it, it was automatically
supposed to mean kindness andall these things.
I was like I call BS on justthe word people.
Hello, I don't know who createdthis language, but it's wildly
incorrect when you think aboutit, right, cause I tell my
(34:51):
clients this all the time.
I don't wanna haveself-compassion for myself, not
in the way that compassionitself is defined.
Yeah, it's like self-compassionis not defined the same way
that self and or compassion is.
Ali Guydan (35:05):
Yeah, you, which really it matters too, because,
let's say, even I thought in aversion to saying I think I said
like strengths and likeChallenging areas, or something
I have like an aversion to, likethe term weakness, because
we'll start to identify.
I am this, I struggle with this.
Yeah, too, if we say you knowit's tricky or you know I'm
(35:28):
working on it, whatever likefuture supportive Growth,
mindset, words that we can comeup with, it just makes such a
difference of the labels we use,who we identify ourselves as
and what we think is possiblefor us.
So, yeah, and that I neverthought of self-compassion that
way, I never heard it like Iliterally think I'm gonna look
(35:49):
that up after this because Ididn't, yeah, I didn't know, but
it's important and it'ssomething that I think we should
all be mindful of.
Chantée Christian (35:56):
Yeah, like so in all fairness, I'm also a
calm major, so words matter somuch to me, but I can't remember
.
Oh, I do recall we one of myaunts is heavily into a mega
church, and in that they theyhad given like a gifts
(36:20):
assessment and she had rankedreally low on compassion.
And I did a similar one and Iwas like, oh, me too.
This is like God.
Why is it this?
Resonating, though?
And then the word just keptcoming up.
So I was with one of my coachesand she was like you know, we
really need to talk about havingmore compassion.
I was like, every time someonesays the word, it's like a knot
(36:40):
in my stomach, like there waslike no resignation with it.
I'm like why is this wordcausing so much physical
Reaction?
And so I went and googled theword.
I was like what is this word?
And I was like, oh, this wordnow wonder.
I think that there are times forcompassion in general.
Like, let me be clear, I don'twant anyone to think that I do
(37:02):
not think that there are timesfor Compassionate and having a
compassionate heart and space.
However, I'm talking about meand my grace and my kindness for
self.
I don't want to have sorrow andpity for myself, yeah, disguise
it as something that issupposed to be, what it is
(37:22):
kindness and grace andforgiveness and all of the
things for self right and so andone of my clients was like you,
just trying to take anotherword out of my vocabulary, I was
like you, look at it foryourself.
Yeah, and oh my god, I tried totell you that is.
It's the oddest thing to me.
I said just because you putself in front of a word doesn't
(37:43):
mean the word changes.
Ali Guydan (37:45):
Yeah.
Chantée Christian (37:46):
Right.
So yeah, I'm actually making anote to put it inside of the
podcast notes, because I'm surethere will be some disbelievers.
Ali Guydan (37:53):
I know it's so interesting, but yeah, as you
were listing all of that, it'sjust.
It's like having that self lovefor yourself, because there's
gonna be times that feel good,at times that things don't go as
well as we had hoped, and it'sall okay, and it's all less and
it's all growth, because thethings that go really well
Awesome.
Let's do more of this.
If something doesn't go superwell, there's always a takeaway
(38:15):
message, always what can I getfrom this?
What does this tell me aboutfuture directions that I want to
go in?
You know, what do I want to trythe same?
What do I want to try different?
And there's no really good orbad things.
It's just messages that we getback based off of experience,
and from that we can makeeducated decisions of where we'd
like to go with it, based onthe information that we have at
(38:37):
hand.
Chantée Christian (38:38):
Yes, and I would even go a step further
than educated like consciousyeah, that's a better word.
Yeah, they're so consciousBecause we make educated,
unconscious decisions all thetime mm-hmm.
Ali Guydan (38:53):
Yeah, more like yeah , awareness and based on
whatever that we've experienced.
Chantée Christian (38:59):
Yeah, and that's all it is, because the
more awareness that we gain, themore choice that we get, and
the more choice that we have,the more we're able to say, hmm,
let me either go find out moreabout that, get clarity on it,
or I have enough to make adecision that I'm okay with,
(39:20):
however the chips may land.
Yeah, you know, and so I love it.
I love it because it's like ahundred percent with I don't
even think I told you this, butit goes a hundred percent with
my triple A's world of Awareness, acceptance and authenticity
right.
I think I might have just Itold you about those, but it is
(39:40):
literally a cyclical, cyclicalright.
So the more awareness that wehave, then we get to make choice
, and even not making a choice,like having a standstill, is
still making a choice when wehave more awareness and one of
those things, we have moreconsciousness right, and then
we're able to accept.
However, the impacts are forourselves directly and others
(40:03):
potentially indirectly, and webecome more and more and more of
a version of us.
So I love that.
Yeah, that's awesome.
So so we have talked aboutquite a few things today and I'm
curious what would you want toleave the people with?
Ali Guydan (40:23):
Well, we've talked definitely about a lot of things
, but I feel like one of thethemes we Talked about it's just
getting to know ourselvesbetter and what serves us, based
on experience.
So I would say the thing Iwould leave people with is just
Taking I don't know, checking inwith yourself, seeing where you
(40:44):
are, what feels good, what's analignment, what feels out of
alignment, and, based on that,where you want to see yourself
grow and how you want to seeyourself evolve, because,
ultimately, we're never going tobe the same person we are today
, a month from now, a year fromnow, a few years from now.
So, thinking of where you wantto go and what you want to do
(41:06):
and what areas of your life youwant to put more Energy and
effort into to feel like you'rehappy as hell, oh I love that, I
love that.
Chantée Christian (41:15):
So where can the people find you?
Ali Guydan (41:18):
They can find me on my website, Alison dash Marie
calm, or on my Instagram that Ijust started, like a month or
month and a half ago, alisonMarie coaching, and those two
places would probably be thebest place to find me.
Okay, and you I can vouch foryour Instagram.
Chantée Christian (41:38):
It's awesome.
I love it.
I'm constantly reposting thingsin my stories, so definitely go
check her out on Instagram, andwe'll also have that
information in the podcast notes, so for anyone that didn't
catch it, no worries, it'll bein there as well.
Hey, thank you for Thank youfor joining me on the my best
(41:59):
shift podcast and, if I heardyou correctly, this was your
first podcast, as a guest.
Ali Guydan (42:05):
This is my first podcast.
I'm so happy to be here.
Chantée Christian (42:09):
Yes, I'm excited, thank you.
I have so many first timers.
I love it.
I'm like I need to go back andmake a list of all the first
timers.
I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the my best
(42:30):
shift podcast.
I Enjoyed talking with Aliabout growth and self evolution.
For more information or if youlike to reach out to please
visit @MyBest Shift t_ LLC onInstagram.
Remember, stop doing shit thatdoesn't serve you.
See you later.
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