S4E8: Generational Influence on Personal Identity (with Christian Jackson)

Ever grappled with daddy issues and the societal pressure to always people-please? It's okay, many of us can relate. We've all had our share of struggles and have strived to rise above them. Join us as we welcome Christian, a renowned licensed therapist and the force behind Couch with Christian, to share her powerful journey of healing from daddy issues and her mission to aid women in reclaiming their lives.

Career changes are a reality for many, but how we navigate these transitions can shape our sense of self-worth and accomplishment. We've all been there - feeling the weight of societal expectations and the fear of not living up to them. We'll explore ways to set boundaries and live a life that aligns with your passions and purpose.

Christian's insights will cast a fresh light on the impact of generational beliefs and behaviors, and how by understanding our relationships with our parents, we can break the chains of perfectionism and inadequacy.

More About Christian: Christian Jackson, LPC, LPC/S, NCC is a licensed professional counselor supervisor and national board certified counselor. As an EMDR (eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing) trained therapist, Christian works primarily to address symptoms of post-traumatic stress. She is the author of 'Daddy Issues: How to Detangle from the Sins of our Fathers', and its workbook by the same name. Her brand, Couch with Christian, focuses on supporting women in recovery from relationship trauma via facilitating therapy and support groups. Her mission is to provide services that are accessible and affordable for her community.

Connect with Christian via Instagram | Facebook | Website

Show your support for the show in the form of a review, rating, like, follow and/or subscribe. It makes a huge difference with the algorithmic overlords!
________________________
INSPIRED ACTIONS/THOUGHTS FOR THIS EPISODE:
What's your wellness plan look like?
What parental issues are you aware of? AND working through?
Going forward, what does self worth (reinforced) look like for you?
________________________
SUPPORT US BY SUPPORTING OUR PARTNER(S)
Buzzsprout – Following this link let's Buzzsprout know we sent you, gets you a $20 Amazon gift card if you sign up for a paid plan, and helps support our show https://www.buzzsprout.com/?referrer_id=1381600.
Headliner – Following this link let’s Headliner know we sent you https://make.headliner.app/referral/info_AwIgqs.
________________________
THE DREAM TEAM -- CREDITS
Audio Engineering & Music Composition: Dennis D. Johnson with Hitz Muzic Group, LLC ([e-mail])
Photography: R.J. with Peculiar Images by R.J. Paulk ([e-mail])
Hair: Rob Fooks with Rob Fooks Hair Salon ([e-mail])
Custom Artwork: Janae D. Johnson with Janae Danielle Consulting and Design ([e-mail])
________________________
If you take any of these actions, share them with us via Instagram. AND brag online about your inspired actions/thoughts on socia

Follow us @MyBestShift_LLC on
healing from daddy issues andall the things that can stem

(00:28):
from it, including being apeople pleaser.
Hi, christian, how are youdoing today?
I'm good.
Since, how are you?
Well?
I've been better.
Well, we're going to make it dowhat it do.

(00:48):
Before we get into ourconversation today, why don't
you tell the people a little bitabout yourself?

Christian Jackson (00:54):
Yes, so I am a human on this earth just
trying to can right.
I like to tell people, mostrecently just speaking and being
authentic, that I'm in recoveryfrom a lot of different things,
those things being I'm a peoplepleaser in recovery.
I am a perfectionist inrecovery, and that simply means

(01:18):
that I am doing my best to notallow myself to fall into that
trap of doing for others waymore than I do for myself.
I am someone who wants to getthat word out there in the best
way that I know how and tohopefully live by example, but
they don't always work.
So, as a human, I'm dealingwith everything that everybody

(01:38):
else does.
On top of being a proud blackwoman and a mom and a wife, a
good friend, I'm also a businessowner and so I am proud of this
journey also kind of a littlescared I've screwed myself in
some of the goals that I've setfor myself and proud of the
things I've accomplished andthings that people are seeing

(02:00):
with couch, with Christian.
So she is my brand, she is me,and I offer services and
products that I wish were aroundwhen I was like in the throes
of my people, pleasing andspeaking love and all the things
.
So I like to try differentthings.
I'm finding what works at mybig age of 36, big enough to

(02:21):
kind of have, you know, learnsome life lessons and then
hopefully trying to pull mysisters up through the therapy
that I do, the therapeuticcoaching that I do.
And I used to be the personthat compartmentalize things.
I really kind of separate thesepieces of myself, but in my
life experience and in mytraining I'm learning.
I can't separate that.
So I'm kind of in this space ofdiscovery.

(02:43):
You know, it's been kind of fun.

Chantée Christian (02:45):
Yeah, I resonate with that, and so for
anyone that's listening, I willsay I sound a little different
today.
I have the flu, and so by thetime y'all listen to this, I
won't have a flu, but I have aflu right now while we're
recording.
But I'm on the tail end.
So, you know, when the peoplethat say I supposed to be
talking, running my mouth, I'mon the tail end, Give me some

(03:07):
grace.
Um, because I'm human.
I'm human and so I resonatewith that.
I also resonate with the factof a lot of times, I think, that
people see us in differentareas of our lives and assume
that we got all our shittogether and the reality of it
is we can be as effective as weare in those spaces because

(03:30):
we've been where they are and ornavigating through some of
those challenges in the midst ofit.
Right, yeah, that's good stuff,that's good stuff.
So I want to know a little bitmore about Couch with Christian.

Christian Jackson (03:43):
Yeah, couch with Christian is my business,
she's my baby, she is me.
I am a licensed therapist herein Columbia, south Carolina, and
so I own a private practice.
So there is an arm of couchwith Christian that does
individual therapeutic services.
So I have women that I serve astheir licensed therapist.
I also serve women or peoplereally across the state as their

(04:08):
supervisor, actually just outof a meeting with one of my
supervisees to kind of help giveback to those who are trying to
get full licensure so theylearn under me.
I specialize in trauma and sothat is how I treat the people
that I'm seeing, whether it'smental wealth, coaching or as a
therapist.
Just because I just believe,whether or not you call it

(04:28):
trauma, I still think there arejust so many great interventions
and tools and perspectives thathelp me, help you, and so I'm
going to always look throughthat lens.
I believe that, as a person whowas clinically trained, that I
don't need to keep all my stuffa secret.
So I don't do that.
So I also train and like meetwith my colleagues, other

(04:50):
licensed therapists,relationship to life coaches, by
hosting and making my ownstages.
Hello, okay, so I do trainingsand stuff about various things
in mental health and reallytrying to make sure that it's
not the language that I learnedin the textbook, because anybody
understand that and thatdoesn't really always apply.
And so as I'm doing my speakingat conferences or I'm hosting

(05:11):
my own or invited to work with astaff or something like that
around mental health and why I'mdating the wrong person or
dating the same person over andover again, I can bring in that
life experience and my clinicaltraining.
So the goal for couch withChristian is to directly offer
services I wish I had when I wasreally going through my highest
levels of anxiety and therejection and the relationship

(05:31):
issues and, dare I say, daddyissues that's another huge piece
of my brand is as the daddyissues therapist who wrote the
books on them literally.
Then I'm trying to help peopleto reshape their perspective of
women with daddy issues.
We're women who haveexperienced emotional trauma and
we're trying to takeresponsibility for the things

(05:52):
that have happened to us.
I'm not calling you by yourtrauma.
I'm trying to help you pull upyourself because some of us use
it as a courage and that's thewhole thing.
The couch with Christian isoverall about giving ourselves
grace.
I love that.
You said that earlier.
Y'all give me grace.
I sound like this because Ihave the flu, but I got work to
do and so a huge part of mybrand, now my pivot here in 23,

(06:15):
is to help people see that partof overcoming daddy issues or
mommy issues or dating the samelosers or giving myself the
grief that everybody else isgiving me, is through grace, and
so at the end of my books andin my online course that I wrote
, the grace method lives andthat is I'm really trying to
push now is your grace space andgiving women a chance to

(06:39):
address different things thatthey have not given themselves
grace about in one whole space.
Because I don't know about youand your work, chantay, like the
people that you serve, we'rejust looking for a space to
offload and say the unpopularthings.
Am I right?

Chantée Christian (06:53):
I don't know if you're seeing the same things
, yeah, and I feel like and well, is anyone else going through
this, right?
Or am I the only one?
Or I got to be the only onethat's struggling through this?
And I'm like, have you talkedto your sister friends?
Yeah, have you looked around?
And I know sometimes at leastfor most of the people that I

(07:14):
serve is it's hard to lookaround and see you, and so it's
a little more challenging tobuild a community of people
where you can do that check in.
And I think that a lot of theclients that I have and that
I've had have come to me throughvarious ways.

(07:34):
But it's always interestingthat they're at this like
pivotal point in their careerwhere they're trying to decide
do I go up to the next level, doI go after that, or am I
shifting my perspective or whatit is that I really want?
The society told me that Iwanted to do this.
My parents said I should dothis, but now I'm sitting here

(07:55):
and I got it all and I'm likeit's not really bringing me to
happiness, to joy and all thethings.
Right, and it's interestingthat you even talk about from a
relationship perspective, right,like I have clients that are
going through it with theirrelationships, like I don't want
to be here, no more.
It's like, okay, hold on hold,on hold, on hold, on hold, on
hold on Now.

(08:16):
Is it your partner or is it you, is it?

Christian Jackson (08:19):
you.
That's literally what my courseused to be called.
I renamed it, but is it me?
Yes, it's it you.

Chantée Christian (08:25):
It's you.
It's you, and that's okay,right, and that's fine, that is
okay, but be clear that the youthat you leave this relationship
with is going to be the sameyou that you go into the next
relationship with, would you?
And so, is that the you thatyou want to take or not?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know the conversation isabout who are.

(08:48):
So a lot of the work that I dois working with and people don't
even realize it.
So, in theory, as we do, we'redoing career transition.
I just say, is life, though?
Is you coaching really?
Because who you are, I believewho you are in one space, is who
you are in all spaces.
It may manifest differently,mm-hmm, but if you got a

(09:10):
communication problem at work,you got a communication problem
at home.
Yep, you know what it lookslike is different, mm-hmm, but
it's still an issue andsomething that we can change,
something that, if you want toright, get down to it, it's who
are you and are you being whoyou say you want to be?

Christian Jackson (09:30):
Yes, that's one thing.
It's funny that you arebringing that up because I'm
actually working with someoneand have, for like probably two
years, who has gone through somenot career changes, but
definitely job changes in hercareer, and she also has a side
business that she's verysuccessful at and I guess,
without giving too muchinformation away, I'll just say

(09:52):
she's she's doing her thing inthis field and she really loves
it.
She gets to express herself inthis way and in her nine to five
she has kind of reached the topand she's a boss like people
look for her, because a lot ofthe women that work with our
professional they have likedegrees Not to say that you have

(10:12):
to have those things to workChristian, but they just had.
I just happened to attractwomen who look like me, right,
so they are serving in theircommunities in different ways,
and so she has been sought outfor certain positions and still
didn't see that they saw her,which I found is interesting.
We had a conversation, I think,like last week, and she was

(10:33):
like so I'm realizing that Idon't really need to climb this
ladder no more, like she's alsoplaying this black woman in a
white boys game.
It's a whole different thingand she's been realizing after,
really, like you said, coachingherself because I'm sitting
there, I facilitate theconversation and doing the

(10:53):
things.
But as she talked more and heardherself talk about herself more
than the pattern that she'sfinding is that she was really
living to prove to some jerk shemet in eighth grade that she's
smart, from her like English APclass and like grade or
something like that.

(11:14):
And so when you realize, whenyou blink your eyes and you
realize it's been 20 some oddyears, I have been proven to
some stupid eighth grade boythat I'm good enough, then
sometimes that can be traumaticin itself because you're like my
God, I've lived and got marriedand all this stuff, as this
person I was pretending to be.
And then sometimes when peopleare coming to me and this is why

(11:35):
grace is so important it's okay, says you've learned this thing
about yourself.
Slow down, like it's okay, youcan kind of reinvent yourself.
You didn't do anything wrong bymaking these accomplishments,
because in her case she actuallydoes like the job.
And then people wake up andthey're like I don't even want
to be in this field and it's up,and that realizing that can be

(11:56):
a lot for some people.
So we have to slow downsometimes and that's what I'm
able to do, like I'm hoping to,when, when people work with me,
the grace method is is anacronym grace itself getting to
know your symptoms, rescriptingyour negative messages,
addressing your self care needs,connecting with people that
makes sense To be the sea usedto be for connecting with

(12:20):
healthy people.
How many of us know that wedon't always know what healthy
looks like, especially we're not.
So I'm changing the language onthat.
Yeah, for enforcing properboundaries and we're working
through basically that systemgrace which literally saved my
life because I haven't beenthrough some things now.

Chantée Christian (12:40):
And and you know, I think that one of the
things that your client is goingthrough is something that so
many black women go through,right, and so I'm not a
therapist, I'm just coach, and Imake sure that I make that very
clear on day one.
We appreciate that I'm that it.

(13:03):
That's not my, that's not myfield, is not my life, that's
not my calling.
However, one of the things thatI do have my clients do when we
get to spaces of I don't knowwhy I'm here is Well, how'd you
get here?
Trace it back to when youdecided that this was.
It had to do it for me, though,and I had for me it was.

(13:26):
I'm really good at a lot ofthings.
I don't mean I want to get paidfor it, although getting paid
for it was real nice, right,real real nice.
Sometimes I'd be looking at mybank account like I should go
back, but the truth of thematter is it brought me no joy,

(13:46):
and so I'm like well, where didI get this idea that I had to
work, regardless if I liked itor not, because it brought in
good money?
Well, what does good money looklike, right?
So then it was like having togo and unpill this multi layered
onion.
I feel like I was that outback,like just kept pulling and
pulling and pulling, and it waslike I saw my parents, my

(14:13):
parents, my parents parentsworking, getting paid, working,
getting paid.
None of them love their jobs.

Christian Jackson (14:24):
They're not existing in their roles.
That's brilliant, that's it.

Chantée Christian (14:29):
And I was fine.
It's so much more than lifeit's got to be, because, let me
tell you something, she is a lotof gotta be.
It's nothing like pulling upnow we don't do it like we used
to anymore but like pulling upto your job, taking a deep
breath, rolling your eyes beforeyou can even cross the
threshold.

Christian Jackson (14:48):
We started the day at you.

Chantée Christian (14:50):
You know people be like, oh, sunday blues
.
No, it used to be every dayblue.
I will drop.
The closer I would get, my bodywill start to tense up my mind.
I'm like why I've been doingthis for over 15 years.
Why am I so?
Why what is happening?
I hate this place.
I don't hate the place, I hatethe action and I hate that I was
the one that was doing it.
Say that, to say that it tookme undoing and unlearning the

(15:17):
fact that just because I'm goodat something meant that I had to
get paid for it.
Right, because I'm good at alot of things.
However, that thing that wasbringing in the money, from that
perspective, wasn't the thingthat I loved anymore.

Christian Jackson (15:33):
Yes, and you say good at a lot of things.
Let me add this I was also goodat just taking a bunch of crap,
just because that's what Iwatched my parents do.
I'm good at that.
I'm good at sacrificing my ownneeds just so that the people in
my life can get what they wantor need, and that included my
supervisors.
Just, you know, along the linesof what you were talking about

(15:55):
as far as work goes, but I meanmy 12 year old.
I broke my toe everyone Okay,my left toe, one of them is
broken and it's been a strugglebecause it's forcing me to slow
down.
And so our 12 year old is veryloving, caring, he's a
sweetheart and he is forcingmommy to sit down.

(16:16):
Because I'm good at running thehousehold.
I'm good at doing the things,being the supportive wife and
the mom and the cooking and allthis stuff, and it's interesting
to see how the house looks whenyou know.
No shade to my husband.
I love him, but when daddy runsit, you know it's not terrible.
But you know, like the schedulethat I have and it's interesting

(16:36):
how they run past daddy andcome to me, which is a whole
different talk.
But my son was like you alwayscare for everybody else.
Like what are you just going tosit down and just like put your
foot up, like the doctor says,mommy, because I'm good at
walking around on a broken toe,and if you are not catching the
metaphor, folks, what did youwalk around with?

(16:57):
That's broken, that you're justlike, oh, I'll heal later.
And so that you get numb.
And a lot of my clients willsay I'm just existing, I'm
floating through life, I don'tknow what it is.
I'm launching your grace spaceright now, which is a community
that I want women to come to andjust talk through things, and
at first I thought it was we'regoing to talk about
relationships in dating and howto show up and be graceful as a

(17:20):
partner.
I knew that would be a hugepart of it.
But that conversation that Ihad with the focus group I led
in the very first year of gracespace was a lot about Am I
strong or am I numb?
And that was one of the womenbrought up as a black woman,
especially she's like you know.
We're talking about how we'restrong black women and I can go

(17:42):
to a job that I hate becauseit's what my grandma did,
because she would look at mecrazy if I said, oh, I'm just
living my bliss, you know.
Or I'm resting or taking amental health day, you know, I
think, as a proud millennial,I'm okay with that.
Gen Z years are very good mentalhealth day, but grandma, great
grandmother, looking like you'relike what they of course work
so that we didn't have tosacrifice our mental health and

(18:04):
emotional health, and so yourgreat space was a really good
place for the women to just belike.
You know what I was numbthrough life.
I was overlooked, and I wasokay with that, floated into the
background because I was told Iwas too dark, wasn't pretty
enough.
I was pitted against the peoplethat I should have been in
community with, because societysays a bnc, and so that part

(18:29):
really resonated with me.
In regards to what isoverlooked by other people when
you are living your experience,and how does that numb you?
And if you're walking aroundnumb.
That's how we wake up and blinkour eyes and it's 1015 years
later and I'm living a life thatI never really thought I would
have, or I'm living a life thatmy eight year old self strove

(18:52):
for.
Those dreams are outdated.
So, like you said to your point, we have to be in a place where
we are willing to unlearn thosethings Because sometimes,
healthy or otherwise, thoseideals, those narratives,
they're comforting, even if it'sdysfunctional, they serve some

(19:13):
kind of purpose because we'reused to it.

Chantée Christian (19:16):
Yeah, I mean, and I think that sometimes we
don't even realize theunconscious purpose that they
serve.
Right, because, like, I thinkabout, I think about discipline,
I think about, well, like so Iwas at the cry out conference,
shout out to the cry outconference, came back, but you

(19:36):
know, the devil works.
Anyway, I went to the cry outconference and something that
Pastor Keon has said that isstill resonating with me, and I
may mess it up a little bit, soI'm going to alter it just
slightly, however.
So my mom was one that believedin not sparing the rod.
She can get mad if she won't,but it was the truth.

(19:58):
Her mom was one that believedin not sparing the rod.
Her mom's mom, so my greatgrandmother, was one that
believed in not sparing the rod.
Her mother believed in notsparing the rod.
Her mother learned that, though, because of being a slave and

(20:22):
understanding what it meant whenyou weren't quiet, when you
weren't obedient, because shelearned that from the masters of
the house, right, and so wecontinue to bring in those same
things, sometimes not evenrealizing the why.
Right, right, and so we'redisrespectful to talk about what
they're not supposed to betalking about.

(20:42):
Well, wait a minute, let's takea pause.
There was a time when that madesense and now it's a little
different.
And so how is it serving us inour households and our
relationships now?
And so when you think aboutlike I think about like the
different, my different sides ofmy family and one of them is a

(21:06):
whole lot more like let the kidsbe other ones, like they need
to shut up, why are they talkingLike go close that door with
kids in this house, like youknow all the things, and I think
about the differences of theirexperiences, right, and to which
they, the lenses, to which theylive their lives.
Let's trickle down to how theirchildren raise children and so

(21:30):
on and so forth.
I say that to say a lot of times, like you were saying, we pick
up things as our own and really,when we take a minute, like I
take a, I say take a beat.
But when we take a beat and wereally pay attention to what's
going on and looking around us,we realize maybe, just maybe,
it's not me, it's not somethingthat I want to own, it's not

(21:54):
something that I actually wantto continue to do, and that in
itself is shattering, like tosome people right, it literally
shakes the foundation to whichthey have existed.
Right Like I have a lot ofclients who are recovering
people pleasers, the thought ofnot pleasing someone is

(22:15):
literally enough to like shutdown the session.
Just shut it down Because well,what else would I do?

Christian Jackson (22:26):
Who am I?
If I don't please somebody else?
What use do I have?
What value do I have?

Chantée Christian (22:31):
Yes, really real things, yes, and if the
people don't like what I say,what will I do?
And one of my questions is well, did they ever tell you that's
what they wanted?
So often there's this idea ofpleasing people that never ask

(22:56):
for the pleasure when did thatcome from?
And then it's like I don't know, like what you do know, take a
beat, right, let's take a minuteand explore it.
But it's always interestingbecause I feel like there's a
similar thread between that andrecovering perfectionists.

Christian Jackson (23:15):
Oh, absolutely.

Chantée Christian (23:16):
Right there's a very similar thread and theme
of perception, unrealisticexpectations and life.

Christian Jackson (23:27):
And so you know, value, self-worth comes
back up again too, and I thinkwhen you bring up perfectionism,
I'm thinking about these twoP's people, pleasing and
perfectionism I guess threeright.
When I first dropped my book,then daddy issues.
In the tagline is how todetangle from the sins of our

(23:48):
fathers.
So with you talking about thesegenerational things like that
is what my book is about.
I categorize different womenwith daddy issues, and so the
daddy's girl is one of the womenthat have daddy issues and the
type quote unquote of women andy'all can't see me, but I just
raised my hand.

(24:08):
You know I got so much pushbackabout daddy issues, period,
right.
And then also I would havefriends and you know family.
That would say you know, I havea good relationship with my dad
.
What do you mean?
You don't have daddy issues,and that's a whole different
show.
I can break that down.
It's in my books, of course,but one of the things that I've
done to kind of boil it down andmake it plain or a lot of my

(24:29):
daddy issues, the daddy's girls,are my perfectionism people and
my people pleasers, and thatcomes from, like a host of
different factors.
But if you're someone who istaking that beat and wanting to
ask yourself, like, where thiscome from, then we have to go
back to our parents.

(24:49):
We go back to the village whoraised us, whoever that might be
.
And a good question to askyourself is when is the first
time, or the worst time, I feltthis level of the need to please
, just for the sake of thisconversation, who do I please
first?
When you, for me, like you, cando a pros and cons list,

(25:10):
because we get something out ofthat.
As kids, we want to make ourparents proud, we want to stay
out of trouble, we want to tryto show them that we're good,
and sometimes that is the extentof why some of my clients will
say I people please?
They won't say people please,but they'll say why.
I just don't think about myself.
It's for everybody else.
I want to make somebody proudand that's a good clue for me

(25:33):
with my training as a therapist.
Like thinking about trauma andspecifically, I'm thinking OK,
so there was some kind of stopof developmental stages where
something happened during thistime where your brain said, oh,
this is the only way I'm goingto be able to live life or make
friends, like what happenedaround that time.
That is always an interestingconversation to navigate through

(25:55):
the narratives that we all havethat are old, they're outdated,
they serve the purpose at thetime, like you mentioned, but
they don't now as an adult.
So, like I do, parts work too.
It's called inter integratedfamily systems, where you're
thinking about the differentparts that make up ourselves.
So you hear people say,naturally, that's part of me

(26:16):
that want to do this, I want togo turn up, but then I also want
to be settled down with afamily.
Like that, we're battling withourselves the different roles
that these different parts have,right, so that is a real thing
where the anxiety comes fromtrying to satisfy both parts of
ourselves.
We want to do this and we wantto do that and they may conflict
because of some narrative thatwe were told in society.

(26:38):
It's always really interestingto just pull apart.
How old was that person, likemy eight year old self, is the
people pleaser that just tookthat and ran until I was 45.
But I've learned new things,made friends, saw people and
they're doing stuff, difference,and I was like, like you said,
the awareness like, oh crap, I'ma people pleaser, but where

(26:58):
does this come from?
It's always very interesting,very real conversation and we
have to give ourselves graceduring that because it doesn't
feel pretty all the time.

Chantée Christian (27:08):
I think that that so many pieces of what you
said, and right, this work doesnot feel good.
No, Like.
I never forget when I firststarted doing the work and one
of my mentors would say you knowyou're doing, you got to keep
doing the work.
And I was like but when is thework done?

(27:29):
And she said baby, you are thework, the work is done when you
die.
I said, oh yeah.

Christian Jackson (27:37):
When you die.
Yes, it's a lot.
My own therapist, I see I'm onthe biweekly panel right now
because I'm just going throughwith this pivot in my business
and just some personal things.
So I and I also have a businesscoach, I have mentors, so like
there's a place for all of us,right?
Coaches, mentor all the things.
Because, first of all, what Iwant people to know is that

(27:59):
you've got to get your healingthe way that makes sense for you
.
Maybe therapy is not for you,which is why coaches and life
life coaches and relationshipcoaches exist.
They have a very specifictraining too, and I appreciate
the one to appreciate trainingof like a therapist or something
and know when to refer.
But maybe your healing is.
I'm going to listen to thisaffirmation mixtape.

(28:20):
You know, maybe I'm going tochange who I'll follow on
Instagram because I'm beingtriggered by all the things on
baller alert.
You know, I don't know.

Chantée Christian (28:28):
Say so.

Christian Jackson (28:29):
Say it, say it, yeah.
So what is that going to looklike for you?
How are you going to changethose narratives?
And I think one of the thingsI've learned and given myself
permission to do is to thinkoutside the box when it comes to
my healing and to not run awayfrom the people that will tell
me the truth.
Because my, this lady, oh,shout out to her, she is, she

(28:50):
don't, pull no punches.
This she don't, and I love it.

Chantée Christian (28:52):
I love it.
Let me tell you something.
So I'm an only child and I'venever wanted a sibling, ever.
I'm doing it ever.
And one of the things that Ihave in the last, I'd say, five
years, in the last five years,something that I have truly

(29:14):
appreciated more Right, kind ofgo back to what we were talking
about earlier was the communityof women that I have built
around me, because they were notjust doing their thing, they
were honest about their process.
They have been honest about whatit looks like for them to heal.

(29:35):
They've been honest aboutthings that have worked for them
and things that haven't workedfor them, and so in creating a
space of vulnerability that Iwould have never expected from
women at their levels and attheir statures, right, and so it
reminds me constantly thatwe're human.

(29:59):
We're all human, we all haveour vices, we all got our things
and, like you were saying about, like the daddy issues, I am a
self and other people proclaimdaddy's girl.
It ain't no secret behind it.
That's my number one dude, andit was two years ago, but I was

(30:24):
like you're the reason why I'mdoing my relationships.
I was doing some work and I waslike, okay, why do I keep
dating dudes that areemotionally unavailable,
sometimes physically, like theywould be here, they would leave,
they'd be here, they'd leave,they'd be here, they'd leave.
And.
I'd be like okay, I'm right here.
I'm right here.
What is this?

(30:44):
So we did some work on that oneand I was like this Joker.
You're the reason why, you know, and my dad was in the Army I'm
active duty and in the Armyduring the time where they were
getting sent off to a andeverywhere to go fight any and
every war, and that was his job.

Christian Jackson (31:05):
And you were used to that in and out.

Chantée Christian (31:07):
I was used to it and I saw it from knee high
to a duck's butt until Igraduated college.
I had gotten used to it and itwas familiar and it was
comfortable until it wasn'tuntil it wasn't right.
Like one of my friends and Ijoke all the time.
Everything's funny until it'snot.

Christian Jackson (31:26):
All of a sudden it's like it's playing
right.

Chantée Christian (31:28):
Okay, all right, all right.
And then it was just like no,could it be?
And I can remember the dayright, and it was just like that
snapshot of age and timeframe35, 60 years later, I'm still.
This got to go.
I got how are we, how are wegetting rid of this?

(31:50):
How are we getting rid of this?
But I also learned from mymother.
I got mommy issues too, causeshe played her part too right,
cause that's what they weredoing.
They had a collective unitright, and that's not to bash
them or anything like that, butwhat it did for me, once I

(32:12):
realized my why was, I was ableto make a conscious choice, and
that's one of the things that Italk about.
So when I talk about the tripleA's, I'm always missing the
part that's really important,which is the choice, cause it
don't fit into my little tripleA, this choice.
And when we start makingconscious choices, they hit

(32:32):
different.
They do, they hit different.
And I tell people all the timethat awareness is like a
spotlight, more like a searchlight, like that.
Joe could be like oh, youturned me on, hey, what you
gonna do?
Well, let's go Sometimes rightTo something that you said
earlier.
Sometimes we have to rememberthat we are a work in progress

(32:56):
and take a beat, because wecan't heal it all at once.
I feel like when people getawareness, they're like, oh, I
gotta do something with it.
Yes and right.

Christian Jackson (33:08):
Slowly, at a pace of grace, if I must say
okay, because the wild thingabout progress right Is that
it's not linear.
Period.
Say that Like it.

Chantée Christian (33:23):
I think it's not, it's not, it is not Like.
I think about this whole flusituation.
I haven't had the flu sincecollege and I was like no, I'm
not, I'm good.
I'm good, I'm just, I'mappraising.
I've been socializing.
I'm good, no one else in theclique is sick, I'm good.
I literally sat on the plane tocome back home and was like yo,

(33:46):
you're not good.

Christian Jackson (33:48):
When you sat down, when you got to sit, when
I sat down.
I'm catching what you'reputting down.
Now I get it Right.

Chantée Christian (33:55):
And then the next day was the worst day, mm.
Like I was like what?
Oh, it's because I've beendoing too much?
And I was like my level of domuch is on a high level of
ridiculous Like, and I'm fullyaware and I'm fully aware of
what that comes up to.
But I just I was like couldn'tget out the bed, like literally

(34:17):
couldn't open my computer totell my clients I can't come.
And I was like, well, thisdifferent Just gonna roll over.
And the next day I was like allright, I'm good, I feel better,
me, me, me.
I'm like I'm like what my voicesaid.
My voice said I go to thedoctor.

(34:37):
I was like I took a.
COVID test.
I'm fine, they were like you,ma'am.
This is not fine.
Yes, I was like no, seriously,I'm better, I'm better.
I got home I was like yo,you're not fine, and every
morning people are like hey, howyou feeling, Like I got the flu
, Like like that's how I feelright, and so I say that to say.

(35:01):
And then today I woke up and Iwas like look, I got some things
that got to get done.

Christian Jackson (35:07):
Do they according to who's playing?

Chantée Christian (35:09):
That's what I'm trying to learn myself, Well
we had a deal, and sometimesy'all got to make a deal with
God.
I don't know if y'all makey'all deals with it, but my deal
was with God.
I was like, listen, I haven'ttalked all week.
You know, that's how I get paidand this is how I thrive.

(35:31):
I was asking for an hour and ahalf, and I'll shut up until
Tuesday, please, jesus, and whenI woke up, I had which all here
and I said OK.
I say that to say, though,healing takes a lot of time, and
sometimes it looks like you'regoing backwards in order to go

(35:54):
forward, and so often and Ican't speak for your clientele,
but I know for mine, so oftenthat moment where they feel as
though they've gone backwards isan uproar in their system.

Christian Jackson (36:11):
Yes, it's withdrawals sometimes.
Yes, because they'll need like.
I used to work with people inrecovery from substance use
disorders like alcohol and drugs, really exclusively, and that's
what that can look like Like.
I'm aware that I have a problemquote, unquote and now my body

(36:31):
is like where is my crack?
Where is my alcohol?
This is crazy.
What are you doing?
You know you're talking about.
It could be withdrawal.
Whether it's healthy or not,y'all we function a certain way
and when we've been doing thatfor years and we don't have that
thing, everything's out of work.
Listen, we got to be ready forthat.

Chantée Christian (36:52):
Listen, one of my dearest friends, who I
can't remember what season Adamwas on, but he talked about how,
as an addict he was, or when hewas, he was trying to fill
holes.
But he was creating more holesand steady trying to fill them.

(37:17):
And I told him afterwards thatthat was beyond relatable for me
because, well, I don't have asubstance abuse.
Unless you consider MountainDew a substance abuse.
Sometimes I'm questionableabout what's in that.
But I used to have a badaddiction to shopping, just to

(37:43):
shop.
I don't even need to shit Likewhy am I doing this?
And it wasn't making me feelgood.
And again, I had to trace itback to why I was not doing this
every Saturday that we would beclose to home.
My mom and my great-grandmotherwould go shopping.
That was my great-grandmother'sjam, like let's go to Delaware,

(38:06):
let's go here, let's go.
Why are we at the thrift store?
What are we getting, ma'am?
Anything, anything.
And I was like, so I'm justbuying shit to buy it, like this
is silly.
But I couldn't stop until I hadto right.
And I say that to say like theprocess of uncovering things

(38:30):
about ourselves is important tounderstand how we operate, but
it's also important tounderstand how we exist right.
And understanding that that wasa thing for me, like a huge
thing for me, allowed me to goback into my closet and be like,
oh, that's why all this junk inhere still got tagged.

(38:51):
So I say junk, but it ain'treally junk.
But all this stuff still getstagged in it and I never don't
intend on ever wearing it.

Christian Jackson (39:00):
It is what it is, and a lot of what that
sounds like is on control,because we do have control
issues from one and I'm also, ifI may say, in recovery from
being a control freak.
Yes, it's hard.

Chantée Christian (39:15):
Every time I get called out I'm like you
think that's control, yeah right, and then it goes.

Christian Jackson (39:21):
I'm hoping that people will, after hearing
this, just consider expandingyour perspective on things.
You may not call the peoplepleasing, because you just never
have, but what if it is peoplepleasing?
What if I am a control freak?
What if let's just go down therabbit hole and see what this
may look like?
Because that's going to be yourfirst step into this very

(39:43):
sometimes winding road.
It can be a cycle.
It's never a straight line, butthere's a winding road to
somewhere.
Because I am a whole licensedtherapist and national boy
certified trauma trained.
I got good training, I'm goodat what I do and, like I said,
I'm human.
Ok, so I'll be in my sessionswith my own therapist and I'm

(40:05):
like, damn, I learned that, Istudied this and yet you know
what I'm saying.
Yeah, I'll be open to that kindof feedback.
I have to relinquish control,yeah.
And my husband would tell me allthe time, like you just need to
chill out, like why does thiseven matter?
Why am I working myself up?
It's hard for me to sit stillsometimes.

(40:27):
It's a lot of what my clientsalso deal with.
It shows up in yourrelationships.
It shows up in the way you'redating who you're choosing, who
you're allowing to choose youand the voice that you're not
using in your relationships.
And so that's slow and downpiece.
Be ready for that withdrawal,aka that freakout that your body
is going to have when you makea resolution to put yourself

(40:48):
first.
As healthy as that sounds tosome people, it freaks us out
Because we're like what am Isupposed to do?
What would people say about meif I don't?
Yeah, am I going to be selfish?
So many layers here, so many,so two things.

Chantée Christian (41:03):
So I think that it's important for people
to also hear that what comesfrom control is based this fear,
and so, when you're thinkingabout the things that you are
attempting to control, what isit that you're most afraid of?
Because that's underneath it,wholeheartedly and as a human,

(41:25):
we're all afraid of something.

Christian Jackson (41:27):
Yep, we're trying to stay safe from
something.
It's a protective mechanism.

Chantée Christian (41:31):
Absolutely, absolutely, and that's why it's
important to be clear about whatour intentions are as we're
moving forward, even as healing.
So even when you're talkingabout I want to heal from, ok,
go, what does that look like foryou?
Because it might not look likea bi-weekly session with your
therapist, with your coach.
It may look like, look, I justneed this on a monthly basis

(41:53):
because it's too much, right,but being able to self-regulate
is so important, so so important.
And because the medicine got mymind messed up, I can't
remember the point.

Christian Jackson (42:03):
So here we are.
It's supposed to happen thisway.
We just go go.

Chantée Christian (42:08):
It's supposed to be like this.
So, as we wrap up, what wouldyou like to leave the people
with?

Christian Jackson (42:14):
Oh man, I've been thinking about that since
you asked me and I still don'treally have an answer that I
thought would be beautiful andeloquent.
Except let me just leave y'allwith this.
Let me think as someone who isstill working on her marriage.
Still showing up differently ina relationship we would say is
a terminal thing, right, becauseeverybody wants to be married,

(42:36):
whatever.
I have the kids, I have goodfriends, my circle is tight.
Even when I think I'm quoteunquote done with stuff, then I
still find myself trying to fixthings from my past, things like
I'm not gonna let my friend ormy husband or my kids talk this
way, which you know is healthyto a degree.
But if I continue to live inthe past and say I'm doing this

(42:59):
because out of spite or becauseI'm trying to fix things, I'm
gonna stay stuck back there.
A lot of what we do when we arereplaying these same narratives,
these same unhealthyrelationship patterns, the same
way I communicate with people ingeneral, is because you're
stuck somewhere and I'm invitingyou and challenging you to

(43:23):
consider what am I trying toresolve?
That really has no place inyour present.
So I wanna leave people withthis mindfulness piece, where
it's a huge buzzword now.
Mindfulness simply means beingpresent.
If you cannot be present, ifyou can't stay where you are,

(43:43):
you gotta figure out thebarriers.
Because we want to experiencewhat's going on in your life now
, taking responsibility now sowe can move forward.
And that looks like actuallysaying now, what do I need?
Eight year old Christian, who Icall Ray Ray, she responds one
way how can I bring myself tothe present and think about what

(44:05):
I need now, which is what Ithink is so hard for us to think
about and consider because wehaven't been allowed to.
So I wanna challenge you tostay mindful.
What are you grateful for now?
What do you want to do now?
What do you need now?
Because that piece is notselfish, it's really just I
wanna stay in the present andrecreate a healthy experience
today, instead of replaying thenegative and traumatic

(44:27):
experiences from before.
Yeah, that's good, that's good.

Chantée Christian (44:32):
Thank you for joining me on my podcast and
tell the people where they canfind you.

Christian Jackson (44:38):
Yes, you can find me most active interacting
with y'all on the gram Instagram, at couch C-O-U-C-H with
W-I-T-H ChristianC-H-R-I-S-T-I-N.
At couch with Christian onTikTok as well, and you can find
my websitecouchwithchristiancom.

Chantée Christian (44:57):
Thank you for joining me, and that should be
easy enough.
My last name is Christian.
I don't know how to find her.

Christian Jackson (45:04):
Yes, thank you for having me.
I'll see you next time.

Chantée Christian (45:11):
Thank you for listening to this week's
episode of the my Best Shiftpodcast.
I enjoyed talking withChristian about healing
ourselves from all of our issues, especially daddy issues.
For more information or ifyou'd like to reach out to us,
please visit at mybestshiftunderscore LLC on Instagram.

(45:31):
Remember, stop doing shit thatdoesn't serve you.
See you later.
Listen closely.