October 28, 2025 • 23 mins
We break down how a simple guideline – no secrets in our family – turns kids into confident reporters. From team sports to online chats, we walk through a safety scale showing how prevention happens as we trace the grooming playbook from “small” secrets to predatory behavior.
KEEPING KIDS SAFE ONLINE
Connect with us...
www.nextTalk.org
Facebook
Instagram
Contact Us...
admin@nextTalk.org
P.O. BOX 160111 San Antonio, TX 78280
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
Welcome to the Next Talk Podcast.
We are a nonprofit passionateabout keeping kids safe online.
We're learning together how tonavigate tech, culture, and
faith with our kids.
Adopt a no secrets familypolicy.
This is a critical practice toprotect your kids from things
(00:23):
like online grooming, onlinepredators, sexual abuse, porn.
The list goes on.
Very, very important that yourkids don't keep secrets from
you.
And I'm gonna explain whythroughout this show.
But first, I want to reviewadopt a no secrets family policy
(00:44):
is part of our next talk 10.
Now, I want to remind you ofwhat the next talk 10 means.
So over this decade-long journeythat I've been on of trying to
protect my kids, one of thethings I noticed is that they
got exposed to inappropriatecontent, whether they had
(01:06):
technology or not.
And so I realized, you know, thewhole concept is not when are we
going to give our kid a phone.
It's really just how are wegoing to protect them in an
overexposed world, like thisdigital world that they're
growing up in where they haveaccess to anything and
everything.
So I started out on a solutionto try and figure out what is
(01:27):
the answer.
And as you guys know, you know,I realized right away delaying
the phone till my kids were 30,it wasn't gonna work because
they were still getting exposedto things even before they had
phones.
So God led me to Deuteronomy 6,6, and 7.
And that scripture says that weare supposed to talk with our
(01:50):
kids when we're getting up, whenwe're going to bed, when we're
at home, and when we're on thego.
Four key times where God iscalling us to create a culture
of open communication in ourhomes.
And so as I set out on thatjourney to create this new
culture of conversation in myown home, what happened was
(02:15):
these 10 core practices startedcoming together.
And I had to do these 10 thingsreally well to change the
relationship with my kids, youknow, so that it went from kind
of surface level to arelationship where we talked
about everything.
No topic was off women's.
They could ask me their awkwardquestions and tell me what was
(02:36):
going on in their friend group.
And so these 10 best practicesstarted to form.
And I write about these inKeeping Kids Safe in a Digital
World, my book.
But these next talk 10, they arebest practices to change the
culture in your home, to getyour kids talking to you.
(02:57):
And therefore, that is thesolution that keeps them safe
online and off.
So adopting no secrets familypolicy is part of that next talk
10.
It's a critical part.
And I want to talk to you aboutwhy this principle is so
important.
First of all, I want you tothink of a scale of zero to 10.
(03:19):
10 is where your kid is in acrisis mode.
So 10 could be your kid has beensexually abused.
10 could be your kid istrafficked, has been trafficked.
10 could be your kid has a pornaddiction.
Okay.
So we help families like that incrisis at next talk.
But really the heartbeat behindnext talk is over here at one,
(03:43):
two, three, and four, right?
On this scale, we want toprevent the 10 from happening.
At one, two, three, and fourthrough conversations, through
awareness, through education,right?
And so we're trying to preventthe crisis.
That's why we're trying to reachfamilies with five-year-olds.
(04:05):
Because if you can get ahead ofthis, your probability of
preventing the 10 from happeningis more likely because you're
doing more preventative work.
So in this scale of zero to 10,I want you to think of as a 10.
So a kid is physically sexuallyabused by somebody they know in
(04:26):
real life.
Okay.
And for this example, we'regoing to say it's a football
coach.
Over here at one, two, three,and four, there are warning
signs that if we would haveseen, we could have prevented
the sexual abuse from happening.
So you've got a fifth grade boy,he plays football.
(04:46):
And at step number one, he comeshome from practice and he says,
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, mom.
The coach is dropping the F bombat practice a lot.
And he's saying, Don't tell yourparents.
Old Mandy would have called thecoach, group texted all the
(05:07):
moms, like, signed a petition,like, we got to get a control of
this.
New Mandy would do none of that.
Okay.
New Mandy trying to create aDeuteronomy 6, 6, and 7 culture
in our home where we can talkabout anything through these
next top 10 practices.
New Mandy says to my son, Thankyou so much for telling me.
(05:32):
I don't think it's appropriatethat coaches using the F-word
with fifth graders.
Can I please call him?
Oh my gosh, mom, no, that's soembarrassing.
Please don't call coach.
Okay, son, I'm gonna respectyour wishes.
I'm not gonna call coach.
But I need you to hear me.
More than even the cuss word,I'm very alarmed that a grown
(05:54):
man is asking kids to keepsecrets from their parents.
That is a red flag.
So what we're gonna do is we'regonna move the coach from the
green light to the yellow light.
Okay?
Envision a stoplight.
So if coach asks you to keepanother secret from me, you're
gonna tell me, right?
Yes, mom.
(06:15):
Yes, mom, I will tell you.
Okay, son, it's you and me.
We're working together to keepyou safe, but you have to keep
telling me.
All right, mom.
So after um a small secret likethat, what we typically see with
groomers is over here at two,three, and four, they start
implementing some kind ofsubstances to our kids.
(06:36):
Now it could be vaping, it couldbe alcohol, it could be drugs,
whatever it is.
But for this example, let's justsay at two or three, football
coach says to your son, Hey,have you ever had beer?
I have a can in my car and I'llgive you a sip.
But if you tell anyone, I willlose my job, I won't be able to
(06:59):
be your football coach anymore.
I could go to jail.
So it has to be our secret.
Parents, I need you to hearthis.
If your son takes a sip of thatalcohol and coach does not get a
call from you, coach knows hecan do whatever he wants with
(07:23):
your son because your son is nottalking to you.
I use this example because I'veseen it happen over and over
again.
Groomers vet out our kids byasking them to keep little
secrets from us, but they turninto big ones.
So on the scale of zero to 10,it may have started with a cuss
(07:46):
word and then it moves into asubstance.
You know what normally comesnext?
Nude photos, exchanging nudephotos, and then pornography,
watching pornography.
And then it eventually ends upwith 10 where your kid is
physically then sexually abused,and all of it is abuse and
grooming, but but you you've yousee the scale that it's
(08:07):
happened.
And Next Talk is trying toprevent that 10 from happening
at this two, three, and four byeducation and awareness.
I would work so many of thesecases early on and hear these
stories.
And I remember telling myhusband, and when we first
started on the journey, my sonwas six years old.
And I remember Matt saying tome, You can't tell our
(08:28):
six-year-old these stories.
It's gonna scare him to death.
He's never gonna want to leaveour house.
And so one night Matt said, Whydon't we just make a rule since
you're seeing all this groomingand they're asking them to keep
secrets?
Why don't we just make thisrule, no secrets in our family?
It became kind of a catchphrasethat we use.
We have no secrets, we have nosecrets in our family.
(08:49):
And I would see this over andover again with grooming in
person.
But also, I started to see itonline.
So let me tell you what I meanby that.
Online predators would somehowget access to kids, and they can
do it through online chats andRoblox or Instagram DMs or even
through the Xbox, a chatfeature.
(09:10):
And, you know, it would beharmless at first.
Like they would just talk withhim and laugh with him and like
make a friend.
But then eventually somethingwould start to happen.
Like maybe the groomer wouldsay, Hey, why don't you wear red
today and I'll wear red andlet's not tell anybody and let's
take our picture and share ourpicture with each other.
That seems so harmless, right?
(09:32):
But what is Predator doingthere?
Predator is actually trainingyour kid that, like, it's me and
you against the world, and wehave a little secret world over
here that nobody else knowsabout.
Wear red, take the picture, butdon't tell anybody.
This is why a no secrets familypolicy can save your kid from
(09:56):
abuse, from predators, fromgrooming, from so much.
I see this over and over againwith kids.
When I trace back their messagesonline, when we trace back how
the abuse may have happened, italways starts with this little
secret.
Don't tell your parents.
So what we would do is I wouldliterally tell my kids when they
(10:19):
were little.
I wouldn't tell them these biggrooming stories because I
didn't want to scare them.
But what I would say is ifanyone ever asks you to keep a
secret from your parents, a redflag alert should go off in your
brain to come home and tell yourparents.
Right?
And that was just something thatwe instilled in our kids from an
(10:41):
early, early age.
Now, I do want to say this.
When your kids are little, and Imean like implement this when
they're two, three, and four.
Like it's a very easy thing tosay because you're not giving
them any scary information.
It's just we have no secrets inour family.
We have no secrets in ourfamily.
Now, just leave it at that.
Just a catch all.
(11:02):
As your kids get older, they maystart to ask you certain things.
Like, well, the surprise partywe're going to, like, that's a
secret.
What's the difference?
So, what's the differencebetween a secret and a surprise?
As your kids get older and theyask this, here's a simple
explanation.
A secret stays a secret forever.
A surprise has an end date.
(11:25):
So the birthday party willhappen on this date.
The gift will be given onChristmas.
Whatever it is, a surprise willeventually come out into the
open.
A secret is different.
A secret is we're not going totell anybody ever.
So don't give that broadexplanation if they're not
asking for it, but I want you tobe prepared when they do start
(11:45):
asking.
Also, grandparents.
I used to love the clause, whathappens at grandma's stays at
grandma's, until we implementedthis rule.
And you guys, we have to be socareful with this.
One time I picked my kids upfrom a sleepover at their
grandparents.
(12:06):
And my son, we had implementedthis rule and he was still
really little, you know,kindergarten, first grade.
And I picked him up and we weredriving home, and he was like
fidgety in the back seat, likesomething was wrong.
And all of a sudden, like hejust kept moving around and
twisting, and he didn't know,like I could just feel like
something was bothering him.
(12:26):
And out of the blue, he just hejust blurted out real fast.
We had eight popsicles forbreakfast, and Gigi told me not
to tell you.
Now listen, everything in mewanted to just start laughing
right then, right?
Because it's funny.
And I I think Gigi's fine.
Gigi's a safe person.
But you know what?
(12:47):
If I would have dismissed himtelling me and I laughed it off
because it's Gigi, what happensthe next time he may be at
Uncle's house or a cousin'shouse, he is asked from that
family member to keep a secretand it's something serious or
one of these steps in thegrooming process.
Is he going to get confusedbecause I laughed it off?
(13:09):
So here's how I ended uphandling that.
I said, Oh, Bubba, thank you somuch for telling me.
When I contacted my mom and myin-laws, here's what I want you
to know.
I was not mad at them.
I didn't yell at them.
I wasn't confrontational.
The conversation went like, hey,I know you're not aware of this,
(13:31):
but our kids are growing up in avery digital world.
Even if I don't give themphones, people are using secrets
to groom our kids into sexualabuse, or they're grooming them
into very bad behaviors.
And so one of the ways to keepyour grandkids safe is we've
adopted a no secrets familypolicy in our home.
(13:51):
And what that means is just mom,dad, brother, sister, we have no
secrets in our family.
So here's what I want you toknow, grandparents.
I want you to spoil yourgrandkids.
Give them a popsicles forbreakfast.
It's fine.
You've earned that right.
I want them to have fun withyou.
But what I please don't want youto do is tell them that they
need to keep it a secret fromme.
(14:12):
That is a big red flag in ourhome.
And we're trying to teach themto tell us everything they're
seeing and hearing, and it willprotect them.
So actually, grandparents, youhave a part to play in this.
So if your grandkids ever tellyou something and they say,
don't tell mom or dad, or thisis our little secret, you can
reinforce this and be like, oh,you need to tell your parents.
(14:34):
Like I would encourage you totell your parents.
And if they don't, grandparentswork behind the scenes to tell
the parents themselves.
And the grandparents and the andthe parents can work together,
exchange information that thekids are giving them, and don't
tell the kids.
But it's a way for you guys toall work together to keep the
kids safe in your family.
The other thing, too, you know,I say the grandparent thing,
(14:57):
you're gonna get all kinds ofweird things when you adopt a no
secrets family policy.
And I just want to give you sometools to manage that because I
think it does more harm if wesay we have no secrets in our
family, and then our kids comehome and they share silly stuff
with us and then we dismiss it,they get super confused.
Well, then I don't tell you.
And then your words start to notmatter either because you're not
(15:20):
following through on what youasked them to report to you.
So one time too, my my son, hewas in kinder.
I do remember he was in kinderthis time.
Uh, he jumped in the car afterschool.
And when we implemented the nosecrets in our in our family, I
noticed right away that um thekids responded differently to
it, right?
So my son, he was one of thosewhere he would jump in the car
(15:42):
after school.
And before we made it out of theschool parking lot, like he
would download everything, likecuss words that were being said,
new words he had heard, youknow, any kind of secret he was
asked to keep.
He would just download it.
It was almost like confessionaltime.
Like I've been holding it on,and then I gotta tell you all
this, and now I'm done.
Now I'm free from it, which Iloved.
It was really cute.
But one day he jumped in the carand he said, Mom, you're never
(16:07):
gonna believe this.
My teacher got so mad at ustoday, and she turned out the
lights and she said, put yourheads on your desk and you're
gonna take a nap for 15 minutesbecause we need some quiet and
you are not gonna tell yourparents.
Now he told me that because wehad just implemented this
(16:27):
guideline and he was like, Sheasked me to keep a secret from
you.
Now, I was laughing insidebecause I know his kindergarten
teacher, I'm friends with hiskindergarten teacher, and I'm
thinking to myself, if I washer, I would have asked them to
sleep all day.
Like, how does she do it?
Like, that's what's goingthrough my mind, right?
(16:48):
I thought it was just so funny,but that's not what I said.
Because if I would havedismissed it again, then my
rules start to be blurred andthey get confused about what
they're supposed to tell me ornot tell me.
So my response to him that daywas, oh, buddy, thank you so
much for telling me.
You know, I think Mrs.
(17:08):
So-and-so is a safe person, butwe're gonna move her from the
green light to the yellow light.
So if she asks you to keepanother secret from me, will you
tell me?
Yeah, okay, mom, I will.
We're working together to keepyou safe.
Nothing ever happened again withthat teacher because that
teacher was a safe teacher.
It was just a little clause thatshe used, you know, that we all
kind of are guilty of sometimesnot thinking it through.
(17:31):
I've also been, you guys, Iserved as a camp camp counselor
for years at church camp, and Iloved working with the kids and
pouring into them.
Oh my gosh, I just learned somuch from them.
But, you know, one time we wereat camp and I remember one of
the pastors standing on stage,one of the guest pastors, and he
was joking, and he said, I knowyou guys are all hyped up on
(17:56):
sugar.
You know, make sure you don'ttell your parents how much sugar
you're eating at camp.
And it was all, you know, likefun music and we're all jumping
up and down.
He meant nothing by it.
I truly believe he's a safeperson.
But I share this example becauseif you're leading children, if
you're teaching children, makesure that you're not asking them
(18:16):
to keep secrets from theirparents because that's grooming
tactic one-on-one.
And as parents, we are trying toget our kids to talk to us and
tell us these things.
So we're going to implement andadopt this no secrets family
policy.
I need everybody else in thecommunity leading kids to back
us up on that.
Always try and be like, okay, gotell your parents that.
(18:39):
Have you talked to your mom anddad about that?
That is the kind of dialoguethat we need in our community so
that we're pointing kids totheir parents.
Now, I know, I know that thereare unsafe parents.
And I know there are situationswhen kids start to confide in
adults around them where we haveto report the parents.
(19:00):
Like I understand that.
But for the most part, mostparents are trying to do the
best we can do.
And so this will help protectour kids from online strangers,
from abusers in real person.
And it's just an easy way totell kids no secrets in our
family.
Now, I have one disclaimer Iwant to talk about before we
(19:22):
wrap up on this show.
And I get asked this a lot whenI talk about this section at
events is what if your childtells you something and asks you
not to tell the other parent?
So, for example, one of thequestions I get a lot is from um
moms who say, My daughter iscrushing on this boy.
She started her period,whatever, something girly.
(19:46):
And she told me and confided inme, which is great, but she
said, Please don't tell dad.
Okay.
So here's how we handle that inour home.
I would say to my daughter,thank you so much for telling
me.
I'm so glad I'm your safe place.
Dad and I, we don't havesecrets.
The Bible says we are one.
(20:07):
So what I'm gonna do is I'mgonna let dad know what's going
on.
But I'm gonna tell dad that youdon't want to talk to him about
this.
And so he's not gonna bring itup with you.
Dads who are listening, pleasedon't bring it up with your
daughter.
If you do, that tells yourdaughter you don't respect her
(20:28):
boundaries.
She's less likely to confide inyou.
However, and I've seen this inmy own home with my own husband
honoring this boundary and justnot bringing it up and being
like, okay, Mandy's gonna handlethat with her.
I know it's handled.
I don't need to address it,right?
I don't need to bring it up withher because it embarrasses her
(20:49):
to talk to me about this.
Listen, when you do that, whenyou honor your kids' boundary,
they are actually probably gonnabe more likely to confide in you
about that very thing.
Like I've seen it in my ownhome.
And the same thing with my sontalking to my husband about
certain things and telling myhusband, please don't tell mom
(21:10):
this is embarrassing orwhatever, right?
Matt would then say, I don'tkeep secrets from your mom, but
mom will honor that boundary.
And then I have to honor thatboundary.
I have just seen it over andover again.
When you honor the boundary,then the kid actually does start
talking to you about that verything that they thought was
going to be embarrassing to youbecause they felt respected.
(21:31):
Your kid felt heard andrespected, and you were gonna
honor the boundary of notbringing it up.
We just want one parent beingable to pour into that kid about
that subject, right?
And so we just never want kidsstruggling in silence or being
alone or feeling shame.
And that's why the conversationsare so important.
So adopt a no secrets familypolicy in your home.
(21:55):
Guys, this one simple step canprotect your kids from so much.
I mean, like major stuff,protecting your kids from abuse,
grooming, trafficking, but alsojust normal everyday stuff, too,
like um going to the neighbor'shouse and porn popping up and
(22:15):
don't tell your parents, or orum going to a sleepover and
somebody saying somethinginappropriate and or watching an
inappropriate movie and sayingdon't tell your parents,
everyday things like that, too.
It is gonna protect your kidsfrom so much.
It's one easy step.
It's part of the Next Talk 10.
And if you implement these 10things in your home, your kids
(22:38):
are gonna be safer online andoff.
SPEAKER_00 (22:42):
Next Talk is a 501c3 nonprofit keeping kids safe
online.
To support our work, make adonation at next talk.org.
Next talk resources are notintended to replace the advice
of a trained healthcare or legalprofessional, or to diagnose,
treat, or otherwise renderexpert advice regarding any type
of medical, psychological,legal, financial, or other
problem.
You are advised to consult aqualified expert for your
(23:02):
personal treatment plan.
Welcome to the Next Talk Podcast.
We are a nonprofit passionateabout keeping kids safe online.
We're learning together how tonavigate tech, culture, and
faith with our kids.
Adopt a no secrets familypolicy.
This is a critical practice toprotect your kids from things
(00:23):
like online grooming, onlinepredators, sexual abuse, porn.
The list goes on.
Very, very important that yourkids don't keep secrets from
you.
And I'm gonna explain whythroughout this show.
But first, I want to reviewadopt a no secrets family policy
(00:44):
is part of our next talk 10.
Now, I want to remind you ofwhat the next talk 10 means.
So over this decade-long journeythat I've been on of trying to
protect my kids, one of thethings I noticed is that they
got exposed to inappropriatecontent, whether they had
(01:06):
technology or not.
And so I realized, you know, thewhole concept is not when are we
going to give our kid a phone.
It's really just how are wegoing to protect them in an
overexposed world, like thisdigital world that they're
growing up in where they haveaccess to anything and
everything.
So I started out on a solutionto try and figure out what is
(01:27):
the answer.
And as you guys know, you know,I realized right away delaying
the phone till my kids were 30,it wasn't gonna work because
they were still getting exposedto things even before they had
phones.
So God led me to Deuteronomy 6,6, and 7.
And that scripture says that weare supposed to talk with our
(01:50):
kids when we're getting up, whenwe're going to bed, when we're
at home, and when we're on thego.
Four key times where God iscalling us to create a culture
of open communication in ourhomes.
And so as I set out on thatjourney to create this new
culture of conversation in myown home, what happened was
(02:15):
these 10 core practices startedcoming together.
And I had to do these 10 thingsreally well to change the
relationship with my kids, youknow, so that it went from kind
of surface level to arelationship where we talked
about everything.
No topic was off women's.
They could ask me their awkwardquestions and tell me what was
(02:36):
going on in their friend group.
And so these 10 best practicesstarted to form.
And I write about these inKeeping Kids Safe in a Digital
World, my book.
But these next talk 10, they arebest practices to change the
culture in your home, to getyour kids talking to you.
(02:57):
And therefore, that is thesolution that keeps them safe
online and off.
So adopting no secrets familypolicy is part of that next talk
10.
It's a critical part.
And I want to talk to you aboutwhy this principle is so
important.
First of all, I want you tothink of a scale of zero to 10.
(03:19):
10 is where your kid is in acrisis mode.
So 10 could be your kid has beensexually abused.
10 could be your kid istrafficked, has been trafficked.
10 could be your kid has a pornaddiction.
Okay.
So we help families like that incrisis at next talk.
But really the heartbeat behindnext talk is over here at one,
(03:43):
two, three, and four, right?
On this scale, we want toprevent the 10 from happening.
At one, two, three, and fourthrough conversations, through
awareness, through education,right?
And so we're trying to preventthe crisis.
That's why we're trying to reachfamilies with five-year-olds.
(04:05):
Because if you can get ahead ofthis, your probability of
preventing the 10 from happeningis more likely because you're
doing more preventative work.
So in this scale of zero to 10,I want you to think of as a 10.
So a kid is physically sexuallyabused by somebody they know in
(04:26):
real life.
Okay.
And for this example, we'regoing to say it's a football
coach.
Over here at one, two, three,and four, there are warning
signs that if we would haveseen, we could have prevented
the sexual abuse from happening.
So you've got a fifth grade boy,he plays football.
(04:46):
And at step number one, he comeshome from practice and he says,
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, mom.
The coach is dropping the F bombat practice a lot.
And he's saying, Don't tell yourparents.
Old Mandy would have called thecoach, group texted all the
(05:07):
moms, like, signed a petition,like, we got to get a control of
this.
New Mandy would do none of that.
Okay.
New Mandy trying to create aDeuteronomy 6, 6, and 7 culture
in our home where we can talkabout anything through these
next top 10 practices.
New Mandy says to my son, Thankyou so much for telling me.
(05:32):
I don't think it's appropriatethat coaches using the F-word
with fifth graders.
Can I please call him?
Oh my gosh, mom, no, that's soembarrassing.
Please don't call coach.
Okay, son, I'm gonna respectyour wishes.
I'm not gonna call coach.
But I need you to hear me.
More than even the cuss word,I'm very alarmed that a grown
(05:54):
man is asking kids to keepsecrets from their parents.
That is a red flag.
So what we're gonna do is we'regonna move the coach from the
green light to the yellow light.
Okay?
Envision a stoplight.
So if coach asks you to keepanother secret from me, you're
gonna tell me, right?
Yes, mom.
(06:15):
Yes, mom, I will tell you.
Okay, son, it's you and me.
We're working together to keepyou safe, but you have to keep
telling me.
All right, mom.
So after um a small secret likethat, what we typically see with
groomers is over here at two,three, and four, they start
implementing some kind ofsubstances to our kids.
(06:36):
Now it could be vaping, it couldbe alcohol, it could be drugs,
whatever it is.
But for this example, let's justsay at two or three, football
coach says to your son, Hey,have you ever had beer?
I have a can in my car and I'llgive you a sip.
But if you tell anyone, I willlose my job, I won't be able to
(06:59):
be your football coach anymore.
I could go to jail.
So it has to be our secret.
Parents, I need you to hearthis.
If your son takes a sip of thatalcohol and coach does not get a
call from you, coach knows hecan do whatever he wants with
(07:23):
your son because your son is nottalking to you.
I use this example because I'veseen it happen over and over
again.
Groomers vet out our kids byasking them to keep little
secrets from us, but they turninto big ones.
So on the scale of zero to 10,it may have started with a cuss
(07:46):
word and then it moves into asubstance.
You know what normally comesnext?
Nude photos, exchanging nudephotos, and then pornography,
watching pornography.
And then it eventually ends upwith 10 where your kid is
physically then sexually abused,and all of it is abuse and
grooming, but but you you've yousee the scale that it's
(08:07):
happened.
And Next Talk is trying toprevent that 10 from happening
at this two, three, and four byeducation and awareness.
I would work so many of thesecases early on and hear these
stories.
And I remember telling myhusband, and when we first
started on the journey, my sonwas six years old.
And I remember Matt saying tome, You can't tell our
(08:28):
six-year-old these stories.
It's gonna scare him to death.
He's never gonna want to leaveour house.
And so one night Matt said, Whydon't we just make a rule since
you're seeing all this groomingand they're asking them to keep
secrets?
Why don't we just make thisrule, no secrets in our family?
It became kind of a catchphrasethat we use.
We have no secrets, we have nosecrets in our family.
(08:49):
And I would see this over andover again with grooming in
person.
But also, I started to see itonline.
So let me tell you what I meanby that.
Online predators would somehowget access to kids, and they can
do it through online chats andRoblox or Instagram DMs or even
through the Xbox, a chatfeature.
(09:10):
And, you know, it would beharmless at first.
Like they would just talk withhim and laugh with him and like
make a friend.
But then eventually somethingwould start to happen.
Like maybe the groomer wouldsay, Hey, why don't you wear red
today and I'll wear red andlet's not tell anybody and let's
take our picture and share ourpicture with each other.
That seems so harmless, right?
(09:32):
But what is Predator doingthere?
Predator is actually trainingyour kid that, like, it's me and
you against the world, and wehave a little secret world over
here that nobody else knowsabout.
Wear red, take the picture, butdon't tell anybody.
This is why a no secrets familypolicy can save your kid from
(09:56):
abuse, from predators, fromgrooming, from so much.
I see this over and over againwith kids.
When I trace back their messagesonline, when we trace back how
the abuse may have happened, italways starts with this little
secret.
Don't tell your parents.
So what we would do is I wouldliterally tell my kids when they
(10:19):
were little.
I wouldn't tell them these biggrooming stories because I
didn't want to scare them.
But what I would say is ifanyone ever asks you to keep a
secret from your parents, a redflag alert should go off in your
brain to come home and tell yourparents.
Right?
And that was just something thatwe instilled in our kids from an
(10:41):
early, early age.
Now, I do want to say this.
When your kids are little, and Imean like implement this when
they're two, three, and four.
Like it's a very easy thing tosay because you're not giving
them any scary information.
It's just we have no secrets inour family.
We have no secrets in ourfamily.
Now, just leave it at that.
Just a catch all.
(11:02):
As your kids get older, they maystart to ask you certain things.
Like, well, the surprise partywe're going to, like, that's a
secret.
What's the difference?
So, what's the differencebetween a secret and a surprise?
As your kids get older and theyask this, here's a simple
explanation.
A secret stays a secret forever.
A surprise has an end date.
(11:25):
So the birthday party willhappen on this date.
The gift will be given onChristmas.
Whatever it is, a surprise willeventually come out into the
open.
A secret is different.
A secret is we're not going totell anybody ever.
So don't give that broadexplanation if they're not
asking for it, but I want you tobe prepared when they do start
(11:45):
asking.
Also, grandparents.
I used to love the clause, whathappens at grandma's stays at
grandma's, until we implementedthis rule.
And you guys, we have to be socareful with this.
One time I picked my kids upfrom a sleepover at their
grandparents.
(12:06):
And my son, we had implementedthis rule and he was still
really little, you know,kindergarten, first grade.
And I picked him up and we weredriving home, and he was like
fidgety in the back seat, likesomething was wrong.
And all of a sudden, like hejust kept moving around and
twisting, and he didn't know,like I could just feel like
something was bothering him.
(12:26):
And out of the blue, he just hejust blurted out real fast.
We had eight popsicles forbreakfast, and Gigi told me not
to tell you.
Now listen, everything in mewanted to just start laughing
right then, right?
Because it's funny.
And I I think Gigi's fine.
Gigi's a safe person.
But you know what?
(12:47):
If I would have dismissed himtelling me and I laughed it off
because it's Gigi, what happensthe next time he may be at
Uncle's house or a cousin'shouse, he is asked from that
family member to keep a secretand it's something serious or
one of these steps in thegrooming process.
Is he going to get confusedbecause I laughed it off?
(13:09):
So here's how I ended uphandling that.
I said, Oh, Bubba, thank you somuch for telling me.
When I contacted my mom and myin-laws, here's what I want you
to know.
I was not mad at them.
I didn't yell at them.
I wasn't confrontational.
The conversation went like, hey,I know you're not aware of this,
(13:31):
but our kids are growing up in avery digital world.
Even if I don't give themphones, people are using secrets
to groom our kids into sexualabuse, or they're grooming them
into very bad behaviors.
And so one of the ways to keepyour grandkids safe is we've
adopted a no secrets familypolicy in our home.
(13:51):
And what that means is just mom,dad, brother, sister, we have no
secrets in our family.
So here's what I want you toknow, grandparents.
I want you to spoil yourgrandkids.
Give them a popsicles forbreakfast.
It's fine.
You've earned that right.
I want them to have fun withyou.
But what I please don't want youto do is tell them that they
need to keep it a secret fromme.
(14:12):
That is a big red flag in ourhome.
And we're trying to teach themto tell us everything they're
seeing and hearing, and it willprotect them.
So actually, grandparents, youhave a part to play in this.
So if your grandkids ever tellyou something and they say,
don't tell mom or dad, or thisis our little secret, you can
reinforce this and be like, oh,you need to tell your parents.
(14:34):
Like I would encourage you totell your parents.
And if they don't, grandparentswork behind the scenes to tell
the parents themselves.
And the grandparents and the andthe parents can work together,
exchange information that thekids are giving them, and don't
tell the kids.
But it's a way for you guys toall work together to keep the
kids safe in your family.
The other thing, too, you know,I say the grandparent thing,
(14:57):
you're gonna get all kinds ofweird things when you adopt a no
secrets family policy.
And I just want to give you sometools to manage that because I
think it does more harm if wesay we have no secrets in our
family, and then our kids comehome and they share silly stuff
with us and then we dismiss it,they get super confused.
Well, then I don't tell you.
And then your words start to notmatter either because you're not
(15:20):
following through on what youasked them to report to you.
So one time too, my my son, hewas in kinder.
I do remember he was in kinderthis time.
Uh, he jumped in the car afterschool.
And when we implemented the nosecrets in our in our family, I
noticed right away that um thekids responded differently to
it, right?
So my son, he was one of thosewhere he would jump in the car
(15:42):
after school.
And before we made it out of theschool parking lot, like he
would download everything, likecuss words that were being said,
new words he had heard, youknow, any kind of secret he was
asked to keep.
He would just download it.
It was almost like confessionaltime.
Like I've been holding it on,and then I gotta tell you all
this, and now I'm done.
Now I'm free from it, which Iloved.
It was really cute.
But one day he jumped in the carand he said, Mom, you're never
(16:07):
gonna believe this.
My teacher got so mad at ustoday, and she turned out the
lights and she said, put yourheads on your desk and you're
gonna take a nap for 15 minutesbecause we need some quiet and
you are not gonna tell yourparents.
Now he told me that because wehad just implemented this
(16:27):
guideline and he was like, Sheasked me to keep a secret from
you.
Now, I was laughing insidebecause I know his kindergarten
teacher, I'm friends with hiskindergarten teacher, and I'm
thinking to myself, if I washer, I would have asked them to
sleep all day.
Like, how does she do it?
Like, that's what's goingthrough my mind, right?
(16:48):
I thought it was just so funny,but that's not what I said.
Because if I would havedismissed it again, then my
rules start to be blurred andthey get confused about what
they're supposed to tell me ornot tell me.
So my response to him that daywas, oh, buddy, thank you so
much for telling me.
You know, I think Mrs.
(17:08):
So-and-so is a safe person, butwe're gonna move her from the
green light to the yellow light.
So if she asks you to keepanother secret from me, will you
tell me?
Yeah, okay, mom, I will.
We're working together to keepyou safe.
Nothing ever happened again withthat teacher because that
teacher was a safe teacher.
It was just a little clause thatshe used, you know, that we all
kind of are guilty of sometimesnot thinking it through.
(17:31):
I've also been, you guys, Iserved as a camp camp counselor
for years at church camp, and Iloved working with the kids and
pouring into them.
Oh my gosh, I just learned somuch from them.
But, you know, one time we wereat camp and I remember one of
the pastors standing on stage,one of the guest pastors, and he
was joking, and he said, I knowyou guys are all hyped up on
(17:56):
sugar.
You know, make sure you don'ttell your parents how much sugar
you're eating at camp.
And it was all, you know, likefun music and we're all jumping
up and down.
He meant nothing by it.
I truly believe he's a safeperson.
But I share this example becauseif you're leading children, if
you're teaching children, makesure that you're not asking them
(18:16):
to keep secrets from theirparents because that's grooming
tactic one-on-one.
And as parents, we are trying toget our kids to talk to us and
tell us these things.
So we're going to implement andadopt this no secrets family
policy.
I need everybody else in thecommunity leading kids to back
us up on that.
Always try and be like, okay, gotell your parents that.
(18:39):
Have you talked to your mom anddad about that?
That is the kind of dialoguethat we need in our community so
that we're pointing kids totheir parents.
Now, I know, I know that thereare unsafe parents.
And I know there are situationswhen kids start to confide in
adults around them where we haveto report the parents.
(19:00):
Like I understand that.
But for the most part, mostparents are trying to do the
best we can do.
And so this will help protectour kids from online strangers,
from abusers in real person.
And it's just an easy way totell kids no secrets in our
family.
Now, I have one disclaimer Iwant to talk about before we
(19:22):
wrap up on this show.
And I get asked this a lot whenI talk about this section at
events is what if your childtells you something and asks you
not to tell the other parent?
So, for example, one of thequestions I get a lot is from um
moms who say, My daughter iscrushing on this boy.
She started her period,whatever, something girly.
(19:46):
And she told me and confided inme, which is great, but she
said, Please don't tell dad.
Okay.
So here's how we handle that inour home.
I would say to my daughter,thank you so much for telling
me.
I'm so glad I'm your safe place.
Dad and I, we don't havesecrets.
The Bible says we are one.
(20:07):
So what I'm gonna do is I'mgonna let dad know what's going
on.
But I'm gonna tell dad that youdon't want to talk to him about
this.
And so he's not gonna bring itup with you.
Dads who are listening, pleasedon't bring it up with your
daughter.
If you do, that tells yourdaughter you don't respect her
(20:28):
boundaries.
She's less likely to confide inyou.
However, and I've seen this inmy own home with my own husband
honoring this boundary and justnot bringing it up and being
like, okay, Mandy's gonna handlethat with her.
I know it's handled.
I don't need to address it,right?
I don't need to bring it up withher because it embarrasses her
(20:49):
to talk to me about this.
Listen, when you do that, whenyou honor your kids' boundary,
they are actually probably gonnabe more likely to confide in you
about that very thing.
Like I've seen it in my ownhome.
And the same thing with my sontalking to my husband about
certain things and telling myhusband, please don't tell mom
(21:10):
this is embarrassing orwhatever, right?
Matt would then say, I don'tkeep secrets from your mom, but
mom will honor that boundary.
And then I have to honor thatboundary.
I have just seen it over andover again.
When you honor the boundary,then the kid actually does start
talking to you about that verything that they thought was
going to be embarrassing to youbecause they felt respected.
(21:31):
Your kid felt heard andrespected, and you were gonna
honor the boundary of notbringing it up.
We just want one parent beingable to pour into that kid about
that subject, right?
And so we just never want kidsstruggling in silence or being
alone or feeling shame.
And that's why the conversationsare so important.
So adopt a no secrets familypolicy in your home.
(21:55):
Guys, this one simple step canprotect your kids from so much.
I mean, like major stuff,protecting your kids from abuse,
grooming, trafficking, but alsojust normal everyday stuff, too,
like um going to the neighbor'shouse and porn popping up and
(22:15):
don't tell your parents, or orum going to a sleepover and
somebody saying somethinginappropriate and or watching an
inappropriate movie and sayingdon't tell your parents,
everyday things like that, too.
It is gonna protect your kidsfrom so much.
It's one easy step.
It's part of the Next Talk 10.
And if you implement these 10things in your home, your kids
(22:38):
are gonna be safer online andoff.
SPEAKER_00 (22:42):
Next Talk is a 501c3 nonprofit keeping kids safe
online.
To support our work, make adonation at next talk.org.
Next talk resources are notintended to replace the advice
of a trained healthcare or legalprofessional, or to diagnose,
treat, or otherwise renderexpert advice regarding any type
of medical, psychological,legal, financial, or other
problem.
You are advised to consult aqualified expert for your
(23:02):
personal treatment plan.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Male Room with Dr. Jesse Mills
As Director of The Men’s Clinic at UCLA, Dr. Jesse Mills has spent his career helping men understand their bodies, their hormones, and their health. Now he’s bringing that expertise to The Male Room — a podcast where data-driven medicine meets common sense. Each episode separates fact from hype, science from snake oil, and gives men the tools to live longer, stronger, and happier lives. With candor, humor, and real-world experience from the exam room and the operating room, Dr. Mills breaks down the latest health headlines, dissects trends, and explains what actually works — and what doesn’t. Smart, straightforward, and entertaining, The Male Room is the show that helps men take charge of their health without the jargon.