July 14, 2024 • 20 mins
Body insecurity in relationships is a tricky topic. But an important one.
Nowadays, I truly love my body. But that wasn’t always the case. I used to hate my body. I never felt good enough. I would compare my body constantly.
I met my husband at my heaviest weight. And he loved me (and my body), even when I didn’t. He told me that I was worthy just as I was, without needing to lose weight.
As anyone with body insecurities would know, this meant so much to me. My husband played a big role in helping me love my body. And I’ll always be so grateful to him.
Did he google “how to help my wife with body confidence”? Who knows. What matters is, that it worked. And in this episode, I'll be sharing what you can do to help your partner love their body. Or at least accept it.
Want to feel more in control around food? Check out my Stop Struggling With Food Guide, currently on sale for 40% off.
You’ll also find 50 of my favourite recipes to get you inspired!
Looking for more support to feel in control around food? I'd love to support you in my Binge Free Academy.
Come follow me on the gram at @nude_nutritionist (no nude pics, sorry).
Want to share some feedback or have an idea for an episode, I'd LOVE to hear from you - hit me up at hello@lyndicohen.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I once went on a date with a guy.
I was kind of my heaviestweight and he earnestly stared
at me just before we'd beenmaking out and he looks at me
and he said I just want you toknow I don't care about your
weight.
And I know he meant the best bysaying that, but all I could
think was, oh my goodness, hethinks I'm huge and he's loving
(00:23):
me in spite of the fact.
So be really mindful about thewording.
And if you're going I don'tknow how to talk about weight,
then just don't talk aboutweight.
Rather, just leave it and don'tsay those words.
Okay, so I love you exactly asyou are is actually probably a
bit of a simpler way to say thatand not get in tricky water
You're enough just as you are.
And if she's saying Iabsolutely need to lose weight,
(00:49):
you might want to say you don'tneed to lose weight to be
beautiful.
You already are.
In today's episode we aretackling a challenging yet, I
think, really importantconversation how to help your
partner love their body evenwhen they don't.
Talking about body insecurity,body image in relationships and
how it can often get in the wayof intimacy and feeling
(01:10):
comfortable and I'm going to besharing my personal story about
honestly how my husband reallyhelped me learn to like my body
a whole lot more.
And this matters becauseresearch published in the
Journal of Social and PersonalRelationships found that
partners who actively supporteach other's body positivity and
self-esteem actually havehigher levels of relationship
(01:30):
satisfaction and emotionalintimacy.
So, including these supportivebehaviors which we're going to
talk about.
So, whether it's affirmationsor avoiding criticizing what the
other person looks like andhelping to encourage healthy
habits over how they look, allthese things combined can really
help your partner feel betterin their body.
So perhaps you're listening tothis episode and it's just
(01:52):
useful for you.
You're the one who has poorbody image, who'd like to
improve it, or you've forwardedon this little podcast episode
to your partner so they can havea listen to.
I think that is handy and Ithink it's all worthwhile.
Let's get into it.
If you're new to the podcast, myname is Lindy Cohen.
Hi, welcome.
(02:12):
I'm a dietitian nutritionistand my body image is something
I've worked on my entire lifeand no Wellness Wankery.
This podcast is dedicated tohelping you feel better in your
body, breaking down the researcharound the oh, the wellness
wankery and, my goodness, theresure is a lot, so that you know
what is actually healthy for youand avoid the things that are
going to compromise your health.
(02:34):
So now my story.
So I met my husband.
I was early twenties and thiswas at my heaviest weight.
I really was.
I was just.
I just kind of realized that Ihave an eating disorder.
I really need to prioritizegetting recovery under my belt.
It was I was going through thephase of refeeding myself, of
(02:55):
going okay, all foods areallowed, I'm allowed to eat
chocolate, and so you know, oneof the things I would do is I'd
have to go to a cafe everymorning and have banana bread,
because it had become a bingefood for me that I ate in secret
.
So I just go to a cafe and thatway I would help to build my
sense that all foods wereallowed.
So I was doing littleexperiments like this to try and
(03:16):
build my relationship with food.
But it also meant that I was atmy heaviest weight, and what
was incredible about meeting himis not only that it just all
clicked, but I think I felt likehe was the first person who had
loved me, irrespective of whatI weighed, and I certainly had
this feeling of I know I want tohave kids one day.
(03:39):
I know I'm going to getpregnant.
I feel like I'm really insecurethat the person who I end up
with, I need them to love me, nomatter what size I am or how I
look or if I'm got milk comingout of all random places and I'm
just sweaty and gross, and Ineed them to still go.
This person is worthy of love,and so I felt that from him that
(04:01):
my body was unconditionallyworthy and, in a way, his
acceptance and reassuranceplayed a very, very important
role in me helping to see my ownworth beyond my weight.
I know we often talk in datingterms that you need to learn to
love yourself before someoneelse can love you, and I do
agree I don't think it'smutually exclusive to the idea
that having people around youwho can become your cheerleaders
(04:24):
, who can help to drown out someof the toxic noise you've grown
up with or been taught yourentire life, I think it can be a
really helpful thing to do, andwhen your partner is that
person who becomes your go-to,they're witnessing your life.
They have such a chance to helpchampion a better body image
for you, and why should we care?
Well, people who have betterbody image, firstly, they like
(04:46):
themselves more, they have moreconfidence, they have a better
quality of life, more joy.
In fact, I think we have thisidea that I can hate myself into
looking after myself.
I'll tell myself oh my gosh,you're so pathetic and got such
bad willpower.
You need to try harder.
You're so ugly, you need toreally fix yourself.
Somehow we've convincedourselves that that negative
talk is going to somehowmotivate us to really look after
(05:09):
ourselves.
But in fact I find the oppositeto be true.
Think about it like this.
Let's say you've got a reallynice car.
Do you treat it like trash orare you taking extra care of
this lovely car, this car thatyou absolutely adore?
I think you're washing it,you're keeping it clean, you're
complimenting it.
When someone else complimentsyou, you're going.
Oh you know what?
It is a great car, not going tolie, I love, I'm smug about
(05:31):
this car.
Compare this to an old, beat up, crappy hand-me-down that
you're going.
You know it just does the job,but I don't really like it.
It annoys me.
I think with a car like that,you're going to take worse care
of it.
So the same applies with yourbody.
When you like your body, it'seasier to do the healthy things,
it's easier to exercise forenjoyment, it's easier to
prioritize going to sleepearlier and all those things,
(05:55):
and this is why it reallymatters, plus the benefits to
your relationship.
Have I convinced you yet thatthis is a really important thing
to do?
I hope so, because let's talkabout how you can help your
partner like their body.
So, dear partner, dear husband,dear boyfriend, you've happened
to fall in for a person whoisn't 100% in love with their
(06:17):
body.
Yet.
That's cool.
It's not surprising consideringthat, literally every day, they
have faced an enormous amount ofpressure to have the perfect
body.
And when you think about it,the media portrays a painfully
narrow ideal of beauty, and thiscan make it really hard for her
or for them to feel beautiful,to feel worthy, and especially
if your partner is a female, ohmy goodness.
(06:39):
We are raised to think thatmen's value is their power,
their earning potential, and theflip side is, we believe a
female's worth is based on howshe looks, and I know it's tough
on you too when she says thingsthat she beats up on her body,
and you don't know how torespond when she tells you that
she feels fat or that she'shaving a blurred day.
(06:59):
When you tell her she'sbeautiful, sometimes it feels
like she's not listening or shedismisses you.
The good news is that I thinkthere are some key strategies
that are really going to helphere.
Number one is to speak up whensomething's not okay.
So does her mom maybe feel theneed to comment on her weight,
or is there a friend who makesher feel insecure?
(07:19):
Does she spend hours on socialmedia only to get stuck in that?
You know the old body shamegame later?
You are her closest andprobably, hopefully, favorite
person, so you might notice thatthe patterns she's stuck in she
might notice them before shedoes, and if so, I think it's a
really cool thing if you're ableto speak up and let her know
(07:39):
about the things that she mightnot be so aware of.
So you might want to tracesomething like.
I've noticed that when you spendthree hours on social media,
you often end up feeling worseabout yourself and your body.
Have you noticed this too?
Or I've noticed that wheneveryou see a mom, she makes
comments about your weight, andit can be really tricky for you.
How do you feel about this?
(08:00):
This just opens up a dialoguewhere she sees that you are a
safe person to have aconversation about this with,
remembering we're not trying tosolve the problem.
We're not trying to say, well,you should use social media less
or you shouldn't see your momNot really a great solve, not
most of the time.
What I want you to do is ratherrespond to the emotion she's
feeling.
So you might say, hey, thatsounds really tough, I'd be
(08:23):
really hard on you.
And then you can offer areminder saying you know, I
think you are just fantastic,exactly the way you are, and I
think you don't need to go.
You're absolutely beautiful.
You're a stunner.
I mean you are, and I think youdon't need to go.
You're absolutely beautiful,you're a stunner.
I mean you can.
But I think it's also aboutmoving beyond what she looks
like and just saying you aremore than acceptable, you are
(08:44):
worthy and you are so lovedexactly as you are.
There's something very healingabout hearing that.
Another one maybe you havethought about this, maybe you
haven't.
If you haven't, here you go.
Please resist the urge to judgeother people's bodies.
So if you comment that herfriend has lost weight or the TV
presenter has, you know, letherself go.
She will probably take notice.
(09:05):
And not only will she takenotice, she's listening so
carefully to all these littlethings that you say about fellow
women, to people you see on theTV.
And when you speak ill aboutother people's body or speak
about weight loss, whether ornot they've gained weight or
they've lost weight, you arereinforcing to her, to them,
what society has already toldher that your worth is based on
(09:25):
your weight and your appearance.
If you're saying, oh, mygoodness, that person's lost so
much weight they look great, shemight be thinking to herself,
oh, he thinks I should loseweight and I know you might go
oh, that's a huge jump In hermind.
I don't think it is a huge jump.
You can't change society alone,and especially the way that
she's been programmed her entirelife.
But you can change how you talkabout others and I know it's so
(09:46):
tempting.
But please try, try, try yourhardest to resist the urge to
judge other people's bodies,including friends, families,
celebrities, colleagues.
It doesn't matter if you knowthem or you don't Hold the
comment inside.
Write it in your journal, tellyour mates if you need to, when
they are not in earshot.
This simple strategy I promiseyou simple, simple, simple, so
(10:10):
effective and can really besupportive.
Number three please try not toget angry with her or them when
you are ready to leave and sheor they are running around.
They're running late and andstruggling to get dressed and
saying things like I havenothing to wear.
But you know she, you knowthey've been getting dressed for
forever what she's actuallysaying when she says I have
nothing to wear.
When she is running around andbeing very late, what she's
(10:34):
really saying to you is I don'thave anything, an outfit that
makes me feel good or beautifulor comfortable enough.
I'm feeling really insecureright now and that is why I'm
running late.
So I know the temptation is tokind of be like I'm going to get
angry with you because you'realways late and you always make
me run late and whatever.
But I think there's most likelya cause and that causes that
(10:55):
she's hurting internally andshe's not trying to make you
late.
She feels unworthy and if youcan acknowledge what's really
going on, I think that's prettypowerful.
You might want to come in witha statement being like I think
you look fantastic and pay acompliment where a compliment is
due, but mostly, I think,recognizing that it really has
nothing to do with how she looks, even if you do give a
(11:17):
compliment, but it's rather howshe thinks she looks.
She probably feels ashamed andgetting angry with her.
Well, it's not going to help.
Number four is to, oh mygoodness, have so much patience,
because they are worth it, andthey've probably been dieting
and hating her body for years,and this isn't going to get
fixed overnight because you toldher she's beautiful once or
(11:39):
twice or even a million times.
The best thing you can do is bepatient with her.
So if she goes I don't feelbeautiful.
Don't discount her and say no,but you are beautiful, I've told
you so many times.
And if you're not going tolisten to it, you're just
fishing for compliments.
No, she's not fishing forcompliments.
She truly is just saying thosethings because she doesn't feel
secure yet.
So appreciate how hard it is tolove your body in a society that
(12:01):
tells you that the mostimpressive thing you can be as a
woman is thin.
In the process of loving yourbody, sadly, it takes time and
it takes constant work.
So please be kind and be gentlewith her and even if she goes
on this journey of learning tolike herself more, I think in
five years time she might reacha point where she flails a
little bit, or maybe she has areally hard week, or it's the
(12:21):
week before her period and sheis going to hate on her body.
I don't know what it is.
No, I do not.
I know exactly what it is.
The change in progesterone andestrogen during that part of
your cycle, that week beforeyour period.
It makes you go from what waspreviously a confident, sexy,
kind of loving yourself human tosomeone who thinks that
everything about you is flawedand wrong, and I know that's
(12:45):
very hard to imagine how thatmight feel.
Such a huge swing.
But in those few days before aperiod, just having a little bit
of extra compassion for whatyou might be going through, few
days before a period, justhaving a little bit of extra
compassion for what she might begoing through.
And number five is to focus onhealth, not weight.
This is a really important one.
So it's tempting to say, oh,don't worry, you'll lose the
weight.
When your partner's beencomplaining that she feels
(13:06):
guilty for overeating andmissing the gym again.
You know what you could say.
The best thing you could do isbring the conversation back to
how eating healthily andexercise makes her feel and not
look.
Let's say she says I ate somuch and I haven't exercised
this week, I feel gross, I feelfat, I have to do better.
Tomorrow you might come in withsomething real, sweet and
charming and fabulous and sayyou don't need to feel guilty.
(13:27):
Not every week will go to plan,but I know you will feel so
much happier and more energeticwhen you're eating healthily and
exercise.
Why don't we cook together andgo for a walk tomorrow?
Do you see the differencebetween that, how supportive
that feels, how you arereaffirming that actually her
weight is really not the painpoint here, but the pain point
(13:47):
is the fact that you know shewill feel better when she's
doing all these things, andsupporting her to do that is
fabulous.
A reminder for her, a reminderfor you, for them is to aim for
progress, not perfection.
Remembering progress comes likewaves and over time those waves
just get larger and morefrequent.
The downs they don't dip as low.
And her relationship withherself as it changes.
(14:07):
You might notice that the lowsthat she gets when she doesn't
like her body so much, they'renot quite as long and the words
she used to describe herselfaren't quite as harsh, and
that's when you're going to knowthat she's making progress.
She's not suddenly going to gofrom hating her body to like
being okay with it just becauseyou paid her one nice compliment
.
You know that already, andremembering the waves will
(14:28):
eventually become calm water.
There's something to lookforward to.
And, lastly, I want you to offerlittle reminders.
If your partner's feeling down,then no amount of no, you're
not fat, you're beautiful isgoing to turn that ship around.
So please try that, but I don'tthink it does any harm either.
I think it's good to remind herthat she is beautiful, as it's
(14:52):
easy for a girl or a person toforget.
Even if it seems like shedoesn't take it on board, she
probably does absorb those wordsand files it away somewhere for
safekeeping.
Some body positive advocateswill disagree with me here.
Instead, they're going torecommend that you compliment
her on things other thanappearance, and I think you
should do that too.
I think you should go listen.
How you look is the leastinteresting thing about you,
because you have so many otherskills and things that I love.
(15:14):
Or I particularly think you arejust the funniest person I've
ever met.
You are incredibly kind.
Find those non-appearancerelated compliments, but also, I
think all people want to betold.
Almost all people want to betold that they are beautiful,
that someone else likes how theylook, that they are appreciated
(15:34):
.
That's how I feel.
Maybe you do think so, maybeyou don't, and I think reminding
her that she's beautifulreinforces that she doesn't need
to be thin to be beautiful,because I think this is an idea
we often have is that I'll Ineed to lose weight and then
I'll be pretty, or then I'll besuccessful and then I'll be all
these things.
You can remind her that she canbe pretty, she can be beautiful
, she can be successful, she canbe happy without losing weight,
(15:55):
and that's a huge thing to cometo realize.
If you're stuck for words andgoing, I don't know what to say.
Help, I gotcha.
Here's some ideas, so somelovely reminders might be.
Losing weight is not yourlife's purpose.
You are so much more than yourweight.
Accepting your body in asociety that tells you not to is
so hard and you're doing sogreat.
I love you exactly as you are,whatever you weigh.
(16:19):
Now I will say I once had ahusband.
I once went on a date with aguy.
I was kind of my heaviestweight and he earnestly stared
at me just before we'd be makingout and he looks at me and he
said I just want you to know Idon't care about your weight.
And I know he meant the best bysaying that, but all I could
think was, oh my goodness, hethinks I'm huge and he's loving
(16:43):
me in spite of the fact.
So be really mindful about thewording.
And if you're going I don'tknow how to talk about weight
then just don't talk aboutweight, rather, just leave it
and don't say those words Okay,so I love you exactly as you are
is actually probably a bit of asimpler way to say that and not
get in tricky water.
You're enough just as you are.
And if she's saying Iabsolutely need to lose weight,
(17:04):
you might want to say you don'tneed to lose weight to be
beautiful.
You already are.
Gee.
I hope you found this episodehelpful and maybe giving you
some practical ideas on what youcan do to help support your
partner.
Getting involved with them, Ithink, is really good.
So role modeling those healthyhabits with them, talking nicely
about your own body and otherpeople's bodies around you I
(17:26):
think that is incredibly usefuland doing whatever you can to
support them on their journey.
For example, let's say you'reinto something like bodybuilding
and you like to count macros orcalories or whatever, but she's
going listen, I really want towork on my relationship with
food and that doesn't serve me.
That means that you are goingto try and never talk about
(17:46):
macros or weight gain or weightloss or fat loss or any of the
things that might be triggeringto her.
If she's going through adifferent phase of her
relationship with food than you,so just appreciating that, it's
okay for her to want somethingelse, and the way she was raised
to think about her body andfood is probably different to
how you were raised.
So she may be more sensitivethan you are and that's
(18:09):
perfectly okay.
And if you are looking torecommend an app for her, for
you, that you do together thatdoesn't include any diet culture
but is all about being healthy,then you might want to try Back
to Basics.
It is a really simple app tohelp you meal prep ahead of a
busy week or plan out what youguys are going to eat, so that
being healthier is something youcan do together.
(18:30):
Thanks for listening to today'sepisode and I'll see you next
week.
I once went on a date with a guy.
I was kind of my heaviestweight and he earnestly stared
at me just before we'd beenmaking out and he looks at me
and he said I just want you toknow I don't care about your
weight.
And I know he meant the best bysaying that, but all I could
think was, oh my goodness, hethinks I'm huge and he's loving
(00:23):
me in spite of the fact.
So be really mindful about thewording.
And if you're going I don'tknow how to talk about weight,
then just don't talk aboutweight.
Rather, just leave it and don'tsay those words.
Okay, so I love you exactly asyou are is actually probably a
bit of a simpler way to say thatand not get in tricky water
You're enough just as you are.
And if she's saying Iabsolutely need to lose weight,
(00:49):
you might want to say you don'tneed to lose weight to be
beautiful.
You already are.
In today's episode we aretackling a challenging yet, I
think, really importantconversation how to help your
partner love their body evenwhen they don't.
Talking about body insecurity,body image in relationships and
how it can often get in the wayof intimacy and feeling
(01:10):
comfortable and I'm going to besharing my personal story about
honestly how my husband reallyhelped me learn to like my body
a whole lot more.
And this matters becauseresearch published in the
Journal of Social and PersonalRelationships found that
partners who actively supporteach other's body positivity and
self-esteem actually havehigher levels of relationship
(01:30):
satisfaction and emotionalintimacy.
So, including these supportivebehaviors which we're going to
talk about.
So, whether it's affirmationsor avoiding criticizing what the
other person looks like andhelping to encourage healthy
habits over how they look, allthese things combined can really
help your partner feel betterin their body.
So perhaps you're listening tothis episode and it's just
(01:52):
useful for you.
You're the one who has poorbody image, who'd like to
improve it, or you've forwardedon this little podcast episode
to your partner so they can havea listen to.
I think that is handy and Ithink it's all worthwhile.
Let's get into it.
If you're new to the podcast, myname is Lindy Cohen.
Hi, welcome.
(02:12):
I'm a dietitian nutritionistand my body image is something
I've worked on my entire lifeand no Wellness Wankery.
This podcast is dedicated tohelping you feel better in your
body, breaking down the researcharound the oh, the wellness
wankery and, my goodness, theresure is a lot, so that you know
what is actually healthy for youand avoid the things that are
going to compromise your health.
(02:34):
So now my story.
So I met my husband.
I was early twenties and thiswas at my heaviest weight.
I really was.
I was just.
I just kind of realized that Ihave an eating disorder.
I really need to prioritizegetting recovery under my belt.
It was I was going through thephase of refeeding myself, of
(02:55):
going okay, all foods areallowed, I'm allowed to eat
chocolate, and so you know, oneof the things I would do is I'd
have to go to a cafe everymorning and have banana bread,
because it had become a bingefood for me that I ate in secret
.
So I just go to a cafe and thatway I would help to build my
sense that all foods wereallowed.
So I was doing littleexperiments like this to try and
(03:16):
build my relationship with food.
But it also meant that I was atmy heaviest weight, and what
was incredible about meeting himis not only that it just all
clicked, but I think I felt likehe was the first person who had
loved me, irrespective of whatI weighed, and I certainly had
this feeling of I know I want tohave kids one day.
(03:39):
I know I'm going to getpregnant.
I feel like I'm really insecurethat the person who I end up
with, I need them to love me, nomatter what size I am or how I
look or if I'm got milk comingout of all random places and I'm
just sweaty and gross, and Ineed them to still go.
This person is worthy of love,and so I felt that from him that
(04:01):
my body was unconditionallyworthy and, in a way, his
acceptance and reassuranceplayed a very, very important
role in me helping to see my ownworth beyond my weight.
I know we often talk in datingterms that you need to learn to
love yourself before someoneelse can love you, and I do
agree I don't think it'smutually exclusive to the idea
that having people around youwho can become your cheerleaders
(04:24):
, who can help to drown out someof the toxic noise you've grown
up with or been taught yourentire life, I think it can be a
really helpful thing to do, andwhen your partner is that
person who becomes your go-to,they're witnessing your life.
They have such a chance to helpchampion a better body image
for you, and why should we care?
Well, people who have betterbody image, firstly, they like
(04:46):
themselves more, they have moreconfidence, they have a better
quality of life, more joy.
In fact, I think we have thisidea that I can hate myself into
looking after myself.
I'll tell myself oh my gosh,you're so pathetic and got such
bad willpower.
You need to try harder.
You're so ugly, you need toreally fix yourself.
Somehow we've convincedourselves that that negative
talk is going to somehowmotivate us to really look after
(05:09):
ourselves.
But in fact I find the oppositeto be true.
Think about it like this.
Let's say you've got a reallynice car.
Do you treat it like trash orare you taking extra care of
this lovely car, this car thatyou absolutely adore?
I think you're washing it,you're keeping it clean, you're
complimenting it.
When someone else complimentsyou, you're going.
Oh you know what?
It is a great car, not going tolie, I love, I'm smug about
(05:31):
this car.
Compare this to an old, beat up, crappy hand-me-down that
you're going.
You know it just does the job,but I don't really like it.
It annoys me.
I think with a car like that,you're going to take worse care
of it.
So the same applies with yourbody.
When you like your body, it'seasier to do the healthy things,
it's easier to exercise forenjoyment, it's easier to
prioritize going to sleepearlier and all those things,
(05:55):
and this is why it reallymatters, plus the benefits to
your relationship.
Have I convinced you yet thatthis is a really important thing
to do?
I hope so, because let's talkabout how you can help your
partner like their body.
So, dear partner, dear husband,dear boyfriend, you've happened
to fall in for a person whoisn't 100% in love with their
(06:17):
body.
Yet.
That's cool.
It's not surprising consideringthat, literally every day, they
have faced an enormous amount ofpressure to have the perfect
body.
And when you think about it,the media portrays a painfully
narrow ideal of beauty, and thiscan make it really hard for her
or for them to feel beautiful,to feel worthy, and especially
if your partner is a female, ohmy goodness.
(06:39):
We are raised to think thatmen's value is their power,
their earning potential, and theflip side is, we believe a
female's worth is based on howshe looks, and I know it's tough
on you too when she says thingsthat she beats up on her body,
and you don't know how torespond when she tells you that
she feels fat or that she'shaving a blurred day.
(06:59):
When you tell her she'sbeautiful, sometimes it feels
like she's not listening or shedismisses you.
The good news is that I thinkthere are some key strategies
that are really going to helphere.
Number one is to speak up whensomething's not okay.
So does her mom maybe feel theneed to comment on her weight,
or is there a friend who makesher feel insecure?
(07:19):
Does she spend hours on socialmedia only to get stuck in that?
You know the old body shamegame later?
You are her closest andprobably, hopefully, favorite
person, so you might notice thatthe patterns she's stuck in she
might notice them before shedoes, and if so, I think it's a
really cool thing if you're ableto speak up and let her know
(07:39):
about the things that she mightnot be so aware of.
So you might want to tracesomething like.
I've noticed that when you spendthree hours on social media,
you often end up feeling worseabout yourself and your body.
Have you noticed this too?
Or I've noticed that wheneveryou see a mom, she makes
comments about your weight, andit can be really tricky for you.
How do you feel about this?
(08:00):
This just opens up a dialoguewhere she sees that you are a
safe person to have aconversation about this with,
remembering we're not trying tosolve the problem.
We're not trying to say, well,you should use social media less
or you shouldn't see your momNot really a great solve, not
most of the time.
What I want you to do is ratherrespond to the emotion she's
feeling.
So you might say, hey, thatsounds really tough, I'd be
(08:23):
really hard on you.
And then you can offer areminder saying you know, I
think you are just fantastic,exactly the way you are, and I
think you don't need to go.
You're absolutely beautiful.
You're a stunner.
I mean you are, and I think youdon't need to go.
You're absolutely beautiful,you're a stunner.
I mean you can.
But I think it's also aboutmoving beyond what she looks
like and just saying you aremore than acceptable, you are
(08:44):
worthy and you are so lovedexactly as you are.
There's something very healingabout hearing that.
Another one maybe you havethought about this, maybe you
haven't.
If you haven't, here you go.
Please resist the urge to judgeother people's bodies.
So if you comment that herfriend has lost weight or the TV
presenter has, you know, letherself go.
She will probably take notice.
(09:05):
And not only will she takenotice, she's listening so
carefully to all these littlethings that you say about fellow
women, to people you see on theTV.
And when you speak ill aboutother people's body or speak
about weight loss, whether ornot they've gained weight or
they've lost weight, you arereinforcing to her, to them,
what society has already toldher that your worth is based on
(09:25):
your weight and your appearance.
If you're saying, oh, mygoodness, that person's lost so
much weight they look great, shemight be thinking to herself,
oh, he thinks I should loseweight and I know you might go
oh, that's a huge jump In hermind.
I don't think it is a huge jump.
You can't change society alone,and especially the way that
she's been programmed her entirelife.
But you can change how you talkabout others and I know it's so
(09:46):
tempting.
But please try, try, try yourhardest to resist the urge to
judge other people's bodies,including friends, families,
celebrities, colleagues.
It doesn't matter if you knowthem or you don't Hold the
comment inside.
Write it in your journal, tellyour mates if you need to, when
they are not in earshot.
This simple strategy I promiseyou simple, simple, simple, so
(10:10):
effective and can really besupportive.
Number three please try not toget angry with her or them when
you are ready to leave and sheor they are running around.
They're running late and andstruggling to get dressed and
saying things like I havenothing to wear.
But you know she, you knowthey've been getting dressed for
forever what she's actuallysaying when she says I have
nothing to wear.
When she is running around andbeing very late, what she's
(10:34):
really saying to you is I don'thave anything, an outfit that
makes me feel good or beautifulor comfortable enough.
I'm feeling really insecureright now and that is why I'm
running late.
So I know the temptation is tokind of be like I'm going to get
angry with you because you'realways late and you always make
me run late and whatever.
But I think there's most likelya cause and that causes that
(10:55):
she's hurting internally andshe's not trying to make you
late.
She feels unworthy and if youcan acknowledge what's really
going on, I think that's prettypowerful.
You might want to come in witha statement being like I think
you look fantastic and pay acompliment where a compliment is
due, but mostly, I think,recognizing that it really has
nothing to do with how she looks, even if you do give a
(11:17):
compliment, but it's rather howshe thinks she looks.
She probably feels ashamed andgetting angry with her.
Well, it's not going to help.
Number four is to, oh mygoodness, have so much patience,
because they are worth it, andthey've probably been dieting
and hating her body for years,and this isn't going to get
fixed overnight because you toldher she's beautiful once or
(11:39):
twice or even a million times.
The best thing you can do is bepatient with her.
So if she goes I don't feelbeautiful.
Don't discount her and say no,but you are beautiful, I've told
you so many times.
And if you're not going tolisten to it, you're just
fishing for compliments.
No, she's not fishing forcompliments.
She truly is just saying thosethings because she doesn't feel
secure yet.
So appreciate how hard it is tolove your body in a society that
(12:01):
tells you that the mostimpressive thing you can be as a
woman is thin.
In the process of loving yourbody, sadly, it takes time and
it takes constant work.
So please be kind and be gentlewith her and even if she goes
on this journey of learning tolike herself more, I think in
five years time she might reacha point where she flails a
little bit, or maybe she has areally hard week, or it's the
(12:21):
week before her period and sheis going to hate on her body.
I don't know what it is.
No, I do not.
I know exactly what it is.
The change in progesterone andestrogen during that part of
your cycle, that week beforeyour period.
It makes you go from what waspreviously a confident, sexy,
kind of loving yourself human tosomeone who thinks that
everything about you is flawedand wrong, and I know that's
(12:45):
very hard to imagine how thatmight feel.
Such a huge swing.
But in those few days before aperiod, just having a little bit
of extra compassion for whatyou might be going through, few
days before a period, justhaving a little bit of extra
compassion for what she might begoing through.
And number five is to focus onhealth, not weight.
This is a really important one.
So it's tempting to say, oh,don't worry, you'll lose the
weight.
When your partner's beencomplaining that she feels
(13:06):
guilty for overeating andmissing the gym again.
You know what you could say.
The best thing you could do isbring the conversation back to
how eating healthily andexercise makes her feel and not
look.
Let's say she says I ate somuch and I haven't exercised
this week, I feel gross, I feelfat, I have to do better.
Tomorrow you might come in withsomething real, sweet and
charming and fabulous and sayyou don't need to feel guilty.
(13:27):
Not every week will go to plan,but I know you will feel so
much happier and more energeticwhen you're eating healthily and
exercise.
Why don't we cook together andgo for a walk tomorrow?
Do you see the differencebetween that, how supportive
that feels, how you arereaffirming that actually her
weight is really not the painpoint here, but the pain point
(13:47):
is the fact that you know shewill feel better when she's
doing all these things, andsupporting her to do that is
fabulous.
A reminder for her, a reminderfor you, for them is to aim for
progress, not perfection.
Remembering progress comes likewaves and over time those waves
just get larger and morefrequent.
The downs they don't dip as low.
And her relationship withherself as it changes.
(14:07):
You might notice that the lowsthat she gets when she doesn't
like her body so much, they'renot quite as long and the words
she used to describe herselfaren't quite as harsh, and
that's when you're going to knowthat she's making progress.
She's not suddenly going to gofrom hating her body to like
being okay with it just becauseyou paid her one nice compliment
.
You know that already, andremembering the waves will
(14:28):
eventually become calm water.
There's something to lookforward to.
And, lastly, I want you to offerlittle reminders.
If your partner's feeling down,then no amount of no, you're
not fat, you're beautiful isgoing to turn that ship around.
So please try that, but I don'tthink it does any harm either.
I think it's good to remind herthat she is beautiful, as it's
(14:52):
easy for a girl or a person toforget.
Even if it seems like shedoesn't take it on board, she
probably does absorb those wordsand files it away somewhere for
safekeeping.
Some body positive advocateswill disagree with me here.
Instead, they're going torecommend that you compliment
her on things other thanappearance, and I think you
should do that too.
I think you should go listen.
How you look is the leastinteresting thing about you,
because you have so many otherskills and things that I love.
(15:14):
Or I particularly think you arejust the funniest person I've
ever met.
You are incredibly kind.
Find those non-appearancerelated compliments, but also, I
think all people want to betold.
Almost all people want to betold that they are beautiful,
that someone else likes how theylook, that they are appreciated
(15:34):
.
That's how I feel.
Maybe you do think so, maybeyou don't, and I think reminding
her that she's beautifulreinforces that she doesn't need
to be thin to be beautiful,because I think this is an idea
we often have is that I'll Ineed to lose weight and then
I'll be pretty, or then I'll besuccessful and then I'll be all
these things.
You can remind her that she canbe pretty, she can be beautiful
, she can be successful, she canbe happy without losing weight,
(15:55):
and that's a huge thing to cometo realize.
If you're stuck for words andgoing, I don't know what to say.
Help, I gotcha.
Here's some ideas, so somelovely reminders might be.
Losing weight is not yourlife's purpose.
You are so much more than yourweight.
Accepting your body in asociety that tells you not to is
so hard and you're doing sogreat.
I love you exactly as you are,whatever you weigh.
(16:19):
Now I will say I once had ahusband.
I once went on a date with aguy.
I was kind of my heaviestweight and he earnestly stared
at me just before we'd be makingout and he looks at me and he
said I just want you to know Idon't care about your weight.
And I know he meant the best bysaying that, but all I could
think was, oh my goodness, hethinks I'm huge and he's loving
(16:43):
me in spite of the fact.
So be really mindful about thewording.
And if you're going I don'tknow how to talk about weight
then just don't talk aboutweight, rather, just leave it
and don't say those words Okay,so I love you exactly as you are
is actually probably a bit of asimpler way to say that and not
get in tricky water.
You're enough just as you are.
And if she's saying Iabsolutely need to lose weight,
(17:04):
you might want to say you don'tneed to lose weight to be
beautiful.
You already are.
Gee.
I hope you found this episodehelpful and maybe giving you
some practical ideas on what youcan do to help support your
partner.
Getting involved with them, Ithink, is really good.
So role modeling those healthyhabits with them, talking nicely
about your own body and otherpeople's bodies around you I
(17:26):
think that is incredibly usefuland doing whatever you can to
support them on their journey.
For example, let's say you'reinto something like bodybuilding
and you like to count macros orcalories or whatever, but she's
going listen, I really want towork on my relationship with
food and that doesn't serve me.
That means that you are goingto try and never talk about
(17:46):
macros or weight gain or weightloss or fat loss or any of the
things that might be triggeringto her.
If she's going through adifferent phase of her
relationship with food than you,so just appreciating that, it's
okay for her to want somethingelse, and the way she was raised
to think about her body andfood is probably different to
how you were raised.
So she may be more sensitivethan you are and that's
(18:09):
perfectly okay.
And if you are looking torecommend an app for her, for
you, that you do together thatdoesn't include any diet culture
but is all about being healthy,then you might want to try Back
to Basics.
It is a really simple app tohelp you meal prep ahead of a
busy week or plan out what youguys are going to eat, so that
being healthier is something youcan do together.
(18:30):
Thanks for listening to today'sepisode and I'll see you next
week.
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