November 28, 2024 • 28 mins
Are You Ready to Rethink How You Date?
Tired of endlessly swiping on dating apps and feeling like you're spinning your wheels? In this episode, I sit down with Rozie Erlewine, a compassionate matchmaker and polyamorous community organizer who’s been helping people connect in the Seattle polyamory scene since 2017. Rozie, the founder of Seattle Inclusive Matchmaking and host of polyamorous speed dating events, brings fresh ideas to creating real, intentional connections outside the apps.
Here’s What We Talk About:
✨ How Seattle’s polyamory scene has evolved over the years
✨ Why polyamorous speed dating is changing the game for non-monogamous folks
✨ The power of slowing down and dating with purpose
✨ Honest tips for navigating jealousy and insecurity in non-monogamous relationships
✨ How to build a solid support network within the polyamorous community
Why Rozie’s Approach Stands Out:
💡 She takes the time to understand people’s unique relationship goals and styles
💡 Her events and services focus on shared values and long-term compatibility
💡 She’s all about fostering community and creating spaces where people can truly connect
If you’re new to polyamory, curious about alternative ways to meet people, or just looking to refresh your approach to dating, this episode is packed with practical tips and heartfelt insights.
"Finding that balance between commitment and independence in polyamory can be tricky, but it’s magical when you meet people who align with your values."
Join me for this fun and thought-provoking conversation, where we explore how to make dating more meaningful in the world of ethical non-monogamy.
Oh, and don’t forget to check out Rozie’s affordable, inclusive matchmaking services—you might just find your next connection waiting for you! https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61566891230288
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter
❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous
👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/
Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ellecia (00:00):
If you're tired of swiping endlessly on dating apps
and feeling like you're gettingnowhere, you're going to love
this episode.
Hi, it's E, your friendly,non-monogamous relationship
coach.
Welcome to.
Nope, we're Not Monogamous.
So I'm chatting with RozzyErlewine, a compassionate
matchmaker and a relationshipnerd who's been organizing in
(00:20):
the Seattle polyamory scenesince like 2017.
She is the founder of SeattleInclusive Matchmaking and hosts
polyamorous speed dating events.
Yes, that's a thing and itsounds amazing.
Rozzy and I talked abouteverything from how poly speed
dating is bringing peopletogether to the importance of
slowing down and dating withintention, and we dig into some
(00:41):
big stuff like dealing withjealousy and finding your values
in your relationships, and whydating apps can feel so freaking
frustrating and what to doinstead, and how to build
connections that go beyond thesurface, and what it really
means to work on yourself beforediving into new relationships.
Rozzy is all about spreadinggood vibes and helping people
(01:04):
find happiness in theirconnections.
So, whether you're new topolyamory, curious about
matchmaking or just trying tolike figure out your next steps,
this episode's full of tips andinsights to inspire you.
Don't forget to rate and reviewthe podcast if you're loving
these conversations, if you'regetting anything out of them.
It really helps us reach morepeople, helps us keep the
dialogue open.
(01:25):
So I hope you enjoy.
Let's go.
First of all, thanks for comingon the show yeah, of course and
being patient with me and allmy tech issues Happens to the
best ofus Right, yes, um, right, yes, I
(01:52):
.
Oh, okay, I I want to ask you awhole bunch about, like speed
dating and match.
Well, first of all, okay, so Ihave seen your posts, like in
the seattle I don't remember oneof the seattle polyamory groups
and I was like that sounds socool, um.
And so I reached out to you andwas like come on the show.
But I want to ask you aboutyour, what your relationship
style is like polyamory, notmonogamy, like what does that
(02:14):
look like for you?
Rozie (02:17):
Yeah, I'm polyamorous.
I started approaching polyamoryin 2017 as a single person and
that's really informed a lot ofhow I relate to people, so my
style is a bit more on thenon-hierarchical side, with
tastes of solo poly as well,nice.
Ellecia (02:40):
Nice, amazing, amazing, amazing and so so.
So were you um, like, had youbeen in monogamous relationships
prior to that, or did it was?
Did it just like just comenaturally for you?
Rozie (03:02):
Yeah, I was in monogamous relationships for my whole life
until that point, until I wasin my mid twenties and I
realized that it wasn't a greatfit for me and I had just grown
up thinking that monogamy wasthe only option.
Ellecia (03:18):
Right, yeah, as most of us do, yeah, as most of us do
so how did you get into?
Rozie (03:34):
how did you get into polyamorous matchmaking?
Yeah, it's something that I'veseen people asking for.
So I run a discord server forpoly people in the Seattle area
and a lot of people are justsick of the apps, which I
totally understand.
I deactivated mine a couplemonths ago and I hope I don't
ever have to get back on there.
Um, so people in the discordwere saying, oh, we want a
(04:00):
matchmaker, and I was like, oh,I've always kind of wanted to do
that.
I've always been reallyinterested in people and
relationships and communicationand all of that.
Um, I was an anthropology majorin college and, you know, took
some psychology classes to goalong with that.
Uh, so, yeah, it just madesense to me.
(04:24):
Um, yeah, I left my job in July.
That was sort of my likesecurity blanket, you know my
full-time salary job, and I havebeen trying to figure out, like
, what to do.
Uh, it's a rough job market outthere and, yeah, I, I found it
(04:44):
to be super rewarding so far.
Yeah, that's amazing.
Ellecia (04:50):
I love that.
I love that so much.
What, um, and so part of that,you're running like speed dating
events, right?
What does that look like?
Rozie (05:00):
Yeah, I've put on one so far and it had a capacity of 26
people.
17 people showed up.
I rented out a small brewery inGreenwood and, yeah, we had the
whole place to ourselves.
It was just really fun.
I had people set up to rotatethrough the different tables at
(05:23):
the brewery and make as manymatches as possible in the
amount of time that we had thatsounds like a blast, like
genuinely that sounds reallycool.
Ellecia (05:33):
Was there anything um that?
Like surprised you?
Rozie (05:39):
um, people were just really lively and excited about
it and, which I found surprising, uh, the way I had it set up
was sort of uh, with a queerfocus, and so I didn't have just
like men meeting women.
I don't think that model workssuper well in Seattle anyway, a
lot of people are some flavor ofqueer or non-binary uh, and so
(06:02):
like, how would you even setthat up?
And you know a lot of peopleare like bi or pansexual too, so
you can't even just likecategorize it uh in terms of
like heterosexual, heterosexualnorms.
Uh, right, yeah, but even likepeople who weren't necessarily
(06:22):
the people who would date eachother were, we're still like
having a great time and talkingand, you know, using up the
whole five minutes.
Ellecia (06:31):
Yeah, yeah, that's so cool.
I imagine it's like like evenjust trying to like make friends
as an adult is really hard,right.
And then to like make friends,that like have you know a
similar type of life, right, ormaking similar like relationship
choices or having similarrelationship styles and like
(06:53):
like building community in thatway, that sounds like such a
like really fun opportunity.
Rozie (07:00):
Yeah, it is really hard to make friends and that is
something that I offer asmatchmaking and then as part of
the speed dating event, I reallyhad people focus on the
community building aspect of it.
You know, I was saying youmight not necessarily have a
romantic connection with someone, but maybe there's someone who
would bring you soup when youwere sick, or who would walk
(07:22):
your dog when you're on vacationor something, or who would walk
your dog when you're onvacation or something.
Ellecia (07:28):
Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly, that's one of my
favorite things about polyamoryis like having having a like a
network of people who you canlike relate to in, in, in, in
multiple ways.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, what?
Um?
How?
(07:58):
I'm curious how you navigatematchmaking um for people that
have, like you know, like, likewe use this word polyamory but
like people have so manydifferent ideas of what that
means in so many different waysthat they relate to each other.
So I'm curious, how do younavigate that?
People have different likepreferences and relationship
styles and trying to match themup?
Rozie (08:15):
Yeah, that's like the fun part, because everyone's
looking for something differentand so you want to try to find
people who are looking for thesame situation.
So I always the first thing Iask people when I'm talking to
them after their name pronounsis what are you looking for in a
matchmaker, like, what can Ihelp you with?
And sometimes it's people wholooking they're looking for
(08:38):
someone who wants to have achild with them.
And sometimes it's people whowant a nesting partner who
doesn't want children.
And you know, sometimes itmight be like want a nesting
partner who doesn't wantchildren.
And you know, sometimes itmight be like three different
things that they're open to.
You know they're looking forsomething more casual and then
they're looking for, like, anesting partner.
Um, so really just askingquestions.
(08:58):
And then I have a prettyinvolved um spreadsheet system
that I get into where I justsort of systematically go
through and ask people questionsand then that I can use to help
make the matches.
Ellecia (09:13):
That's amazing, but that sounds better.
It's like it's a human drivenalgorithm, much better than the
app.
Yeah.
Rozie (09:23):
Yeah, I'm really passionate about it at this
point honestly, like gettingpeople off of the apps and kind
of just taking a slower and moreintentional approach to dating.
Swiping on apps is so addictingand I think it's really doing
people a disservice.
Ellecia (09:43):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree, I agree, I um.
In the last year, I startedworking with a startup, um for a
love app called Elixir, andoriginally we were thinking
dating app, and then we werelike God, no, it's insane and
(10:04):
toxic.
And so we actually movedtowards um, towards coaching and
educating people on their um,you know, on getting clear on
what they want, what they desire, what their boundaries are, how
to heal all of our likeinternal uh relationship
wounding and and get really goodwith, with, with yourself as
(10:24):
you're like dating andnavigating relationships and all
the different relationshipstyles, because the the dating
app thing is kind of it'straumatizing, I think, yeah yeah
, yeah it's.
Rozie (10:42):
it's a really frustrating system to navigate, like
regardless of your gender, um,or your appearance or anything.
There's always downsides tothose dating apps, but that's
cool, like so and like likeeducation, um and uh let's see
(11:09):
the word.
Ellecia (11:10):
I was looking for Um like um, uh, workshops, like
workshops around things like um,how to, how to like walk away
from a date that wasn't greatand still feel good about
yourself, right?
Yeah, things that we just don'tespecially over the last five,
(11:33):
six years, haven't had a lot ofpractice with.
Yeah, dating's been rough, yeahit really has been.
Yeah, mm-hmm well, how, how.
I'm curious, how would you?
How has the like polyamoryscene community culture in
(12:02):
seattle or in the area changedsince you started engaging with
it in 2017,?
Rozie (12:10):
I think you said yeah, that's a great question and I
can only explain things from myperspective.
But when I first started, Iwent to like group meetings for
poly people.
I went to like group meetingsfor poly people and I was one of
the youngest people there, bylike 10 to 20 years, which was
(12:32):
very intimidating.
But there was a very apparentlylike thriving community of
people and they're like mid tolate thirties, forties, fifties
who were holding a lot ofintentional discussions as a
community and I think it waslike twice monthly that you
could go um, and those arepeople who have been poly for a
(12:57):
long time, mostly now.
Uh, what I see is a lot ofpeople who are married, opening
up their relationships, likethat's a huge trend right now.
And then you also have peoplewho are much younger, like Gen Z
, coming in, who are justfamiliar with Polly as a as a
(13:19):
default.
Ellecia (13:21):
Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, like, why doesn't everybody do
this?
Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, like whydoesn't everybody do this?
Rozie (13:30):
But you know, not only get to pick one flavor.
Yeah, exactly.
But being a millennial andbeing raised in a very
conservative environment, um,I'm not really sure what the Gen
Z scene is in Seattle for fordating and polyamory.
Ellecia (13:47):
Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We um, I met my husband in 2014and we've never been monogamous
together.
Like I met him and I was likeI'm never.
I had just gotten divorced.
I was like I'm never going tobe monogamous again.
Um, but you're cool.
And he was like dope, I'mpolyamorous.
And I was like I don't know,that sounds weird.
Yeah, and years later, here Iam.
(14:11):
Now you're an expert.
I was like I just want to beslutty.
I don't know what you'retalking about.
And then we fell in love and Ihad to figure out how to, you
know, deal with my jealousy, myinsecurity and all the
monogamous conditioning.
(14:32):
Yeah, it's real.
Yeah, yeah, definitely,definitely.
What would you say is?
I know?
I'm going to ask you adifferent question.
What would you say is the mostmisunderstood or yeah, the
(14:52):
misunderstood aspect ofpolyamorous relationships by
people outside of polyamory?
Rozie (15:07):
polyamory.
The first thing that comes tomind for me is people thinking
that you can't have a seriousrelationship if you're
polyamorous, that you're justdating around and you can't form
a lifelong commitment and youdon't really love the other
person if you're not going tocommit to them in a monogamous
way.
Ellecia (15:22):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see that a lot.
And then the flip side of thatis is people who are
non-monogamous or polyamoroushave that belief kind of buried
real deep, like like I know thatit's possible, but what if it's
not?
And like trying to like I, Iknow I can love multiple people
and have multiple long-termrelationships and but what if?
(15:46):
What if those people were right?
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, what's been the biggestchallenge for you?
Being being polyamorous?
Rozie (16:09):
Finding people who want the same thing as me.
So I haven't wanted a veryhierarchical relationship.
I'm not really comfortable withhaving a partner who feels
entitled to, like, makedecisions for me.
Um, yeah, I know that not allhierarchy looks that way, but
it's definitely something thatyou can deal with.
(16:31):
And I also, at the same time,want a level of commitment, and
so finding that middle groundhas been really tricky.
Um, because a lot of people whoare open to dating solo poly
are like staunchly against, um,basic levels of commitment.
(16:54):
Um, and I want someone who Ican rely on, you know, yeah, to
like, if I have to have surgery,like they'll take care of me
for the six weeks after thesurgery.
You know, yeah, yeah.
Ellecia (17:13):
Or, you know, in a crisis, like we can be together,
uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah yeah, Iwas just thinking like the.
The example that always comesto mind for me is like when I
break down, my car breaks downon the side of the road, who do
I call, especially when I'm like, oh fuck what the side of the
road?
Who do I call, especially whenI'm like oh fuck what, like ah,
I can't think Right.
Rozie (17:30):
Yeah, yeah.
And I have a partner who, um,is married but uh still shows up
for me in very important ways.
Uh and I did end up in the ERthis June and, um, I didn't even
ask, I just told him I was inthe ER this June and I didn't
even ask, I just told him I wasin the ER and he was like I'll
be right there and came over andhung out with me until I got
(17:53):
out, you know that's so goodyeah, it's almost.
Ellecia (18:02):
It seems like that should almost be a given, like
there's a level of communitycare that needs to happen in
relationships that we've kind ofculturally gotten away from.
Like if it's not your spouse,or like your one main partner,
then we don't do anything.
However, if it was like ourbest friend, we would.
So there's something like wherethe romance is involved that
(18:26):
suddenly creates a barrier tosomething we would otherwise do
for, like a close friend or afamily member or our spouse,
right, but then all but like I Isee it a lot like in
polyamorous relationships,non-monogamous relationships,
something there if, becausethere's romance involved,
suddenly there has to be like a,a wall, like and it's really
(18:50):
weird and I want to see itchange.
Rozie (18:56):
Yeah, I mean, it's almost like you're not seeing your
romantic partner as a wholeperson at that point, if you're
not willing to show up for themwhen they need you.
Ellecia (19:05):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right .
Like, like I always, anytimeI'm and I give this advice to my
clients a lot but anytime I'mfeeling conflicted about like
what should I do?
What's the right thing to dohere, I always try and take the
romance out of the equation.
Like, okay, if this is myfriend, right, this is my best
(19:25):
friend of seven years that Ihang out with all the time and
they're having an emergency, howwould I show up for them?
What would I do?
How would the other people inmy life respond versus, because
this is my partner?
Yeah, like it helps me go whatis the right thing to do and
make decisions when I pull theromance part out, because we're
like so conditioned around what,what it means like love and and
(19:50):
whatnot.
Rozie (19:52):
Yeah, wow yeah, it's a good way of looking at it, yeah
it helps like I don't know.
Ellecia (19:58):
It helps take the weird weirdness out of it.
Right, I'm like this is myfriend then?
Then the answer seems reallyobvious.
But when I say this is like oneof my three partners, how, how
will this partner feel?
And how will that partner feeland what will you know it?
It it takes the weirdness out,I'm able to get clarity.
Rozie (20:34):
I always like to ask people about jealousy what is
your, what is, what's yourexperience with jealousy?
Jealousy is really interesting.
There's a lot of advice outthere and I think it can really
just depend.
I think a lot of advice is bad,um, uh, and you really have to
look at your own situation.
(20:55):
But for me, lately, when I'vefelt jealousy, it's when I'm
feeling less secure in myrelationship, and so the the
answer is what can I do to feelmore secure in my relationship?
Um, and, it's okay, it's okayto feel jealous sometimes, but,
(21:19):
um, it shouldn't be like rulingyour decision making yeah, yeah,
yeah.
Ellecia (21:27):
Anytime that I've been jealous to the point of it,
feeling, um, where it's likehijacks all my thoughts, right.
Then I'm like, okay, there's,there's something I need to do
here.
That's, that's a me problem,probably.
Uh, and when it's, you know itgo like is there actually
(21:48):
something bad happening to me oram I feeling like insecure or
something?
Rozie (21:52):
yeah, yeah, yeah, you can play the.
And then what game?
Like, oh I'm jealous that thisperson is with this person all
the time.
Well then, what will happen?
And then what will happen?
And you know, I think I learnedthat from like polyamory weekly
or something.
But if you get to the pointwhere you're like I will die
alone in a ditch, um,realistically, like that's
(22:14):
probably not going to happen.
Ellecia (22:18):
You probably have some better choices you can make
before you get there.
Yeah, that was my very firstpolyamory podcast that I started
listening to, and I listened toit for a very long time.
I loved it, and that was yeah,that's the one.
Rozie (22:33):
I was sad when they stopped making things.
Ellecia (22:38):
They still have really good advice out there, so that's
good.
Rozie (22:41):
Yeah, it's there for future generations.
Ellecia (22:44):
Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is there anything that Ihaven't asked you that you want
to share with the listeners?
Rozie (22:56):
Good question.
Hmm, man, I want people to takeyour coaching class and then
come be my clients right, let'sget your shit together and then
get you matched up.
Ellecia (23:16):
Yeah exactly.
Rozie (23:19):
Yeah, it's really interesting working with people.
I feel like I've made somereally good connections and part
of my goal is to just helppeople be happy, just like
spread good feelings around, andI feel like I've been pretty
successful in that.
But a lot of it depends on thepeople who I'm matching being in
(23:41):
a good place for that, and alot of people have a lot of
trauma.
Um, that that should definitelybe addressed before, um, they
get to me.
Ideally yeah yeah, and you knowsome of that like relationships
can be healing as well.
Um, but if you're at a point inyour relationships where you're
(24:05):
like constantly in conflict andrelationships don't feel good,
hopefully you're getting outsidesupport for that.
Ellecia (24:18):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's really, really important.
And there is there's an aspectof like there's some things you
can't work on if you aren't inthem Right, like, like, a lot of
people will come to me to workon jealousy and then you know
something happens or they changethings, that jealousy just
isn't popping up and so it'slike, well, in theory, like I've
(24:39):
got this down in theory, butuntil you actually have to put
it into practice, it's it's justa theory.
You don't know how your nervoussystem is going to react until
you're actually in the feels ofit, which is, you know, it's
like so doing some of the workfor yourself, and then, when
you're in relationships, youhave to keep doing the work so
(25:00):
that, as challenges come up, asthings you know, things get
triggered or activated, then youhave the capacity to work on
those in a way that doesn'tleave you shutting down or
running away or constantlyfighting.
Rozie (25:20):
Yeah, and I just had a thought that occurred to me
concerning jealousy.
Um, and I just had a thoughtthat occurred to me, uh,
concerning jealousy, it's reallyimportant to have your your
internal values straight and howyou want to show up in a
relationship and again, thatcomes from self-work and getting
external support sometimes.
So if you're experiencingjealousy, you can think like,
(25:42):
how does this align with myvalues and how I'm showing up?
Ellecia (25:47):
Yeah, yeah, like what's your, what's your North star,
what is what is your guidinglight in making your decisions
and relationships and for mostpeople, they don't know what
that is, other than I don't wantto be left, I don't want to be
abandoned, or I don't want tolose love and connection, and
that's probably the worst one,because then we just abandon
(26:07):
ourselves and accept things thataren't good for us.
Rozie (26:10):
Yeah, yeah, I really like the analogy or just like the
saying, like if you love them,let them go.
And the thing about polyamoryis that if you give people the
chance, they'll come back to youtime and time and time again
and that can really strengthenyour relationship and it
(26:33):
enriches all of our lives yeah,yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Ellecia (26:40):
Um.
How can people find SeattleInclusive Matchmaking?
Rozie (26:50):
Right now the best way is Facebook, so just look for
Seattle, polyamory, matchmakingand Speed Dating on Facebook.
And the next best way, if youdon't have Facebook, is to shoot
me an email.
I have very affordable rates,especially when you consider
(27:16):
that most matchmakers chargethousands of dollars.
I have an initial consult feeand then a monthly fee after
that, and everything is slidingscale.
I'm really excited to talk topeople.
Um, maybe we can put my emailin the show notes so that people
can click through to that theyneed to.
Ellecia (27:35):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely Amazing.
I love it so good.
Um, well, it's lost.
Um well, it's lost, so I will,I'll put your information in the
show notes so so people canfind you.
And um, I've enjoyed talking toyou so much, thank you.
(27:56):
Thank you, thank you for comingon.
Rozie (27:58):
Yeah, Thanks so much for reaching out to me sort of out
of the blue and, you know,trusting me.
Um, I really I I listened to somany podcast episodes and I
thought it was great, and so I'mreally excited to be here yeah,
good, good, good, good.
Ellecia (28:12):
Thank you yeah.
If you're tired of swiping endlessly on dating apps
and feeling like you're gettingnowhere, you're going to love
this episode.
Hi, it's E, your friendly,non-monogamous relationship
coach.
Welcome to.
Nope, we're Not Monogamous.
So I'm chatting with RozzyErlewine, a compassionate
matchmaker and a relationshipnerd who's been organizing in
(00:20):
the Seattle polyamory scenesince like 2017.
She is the founder of SeattleInclusive Matchmaking and hosts
polyamorous speed dating events.
Yes, that's a thing and itsounds amazing.
Rozzy and I talked abouteverything from how poly speed
dating is bringing peopletogether to the importance of
slowing down and dating withintention, and we dig into some
(00:41):
big stuff like dealing withjealousy and finding your values
in your relationships, and whydating apps can feel so freaking
frustrating and what to doinstead, and how to build
connections that go beyond thesurface, and what it really
means to work on yourself beforediving into new relationships.
Rozzy is all about spreadinggood vibes and helping people
(01:04):
find happiness in theirconnections.
So, whether you're new topolyamory, curious about
matchmaking or just trying tolike figure out your next steps,
this episode's full of tips andinsights to inspire you.
Don't forget to rate and reviewthe podcast if you're loving
these conversations, if you'regetting anything out of them.
It really helps us reach morepeople, helps us keep the
dialogue open.
(01:25):
So I hope you enjoy.
Let's go.
First of all, thanks for comingon the show yeah, of course and
being patient with me and allmy tech issues Happens to the
best ofus Right, yes, um, right, yes, I
(01:52):
.
Oh, okay, I I want to ask you awhole bunch about, like speed
dating and match.
Well, first of all, okay, so Ihave seen your posts, like in
the seattle I don't remember oneof the seattle polyamory groups
and I was like that sounds socool, um.
And so I reached out to you andwas like come on the show.
But I want to ask you aboutyour, what your relationship
style is like polyamory, notmonogamy, like what does that
(02:14):
look like for you?
Rozie (02:17):
Yeah, I'm polyamorous.
I started approaching polyamoryin 2017 as a single person and
that's really informed a lot ofhow I relate to people, so my
style is a bit more on thenon-hierarchical side, with
tastes of solo poly as well,nice.
Ellecia (02:40):
Nice, amazing, amazing, amazing and so so.
So were you um, like, had youbeen in monogamous relationships
prior to that, or did it was?
Did it just like just comenaturally for you?
Rozie (03:02):
Yeah, I was in monogamous relationships for my whole life
until that point, until I wasin my mid twenties and I
realized that it wasn't a greatfit for me and I had just grown
up thinking that monogamy wasthe only option.
Ellecia (03:18):
Right, yeah, as most of us do, yeah, as most of us do
so how did you get into?
Rozie (03:34):
how did you get into polyamorous matchmaking?
Yeah, it's something that I'veseen people asking for.
So I run a discord server forpoly people in the Seattle area
and a lot of people are justsick of the apps, which I
totally understand.
I deactivated mine a couplemonths ago and I hope I don't
ever have to get back on there.
Um, so people in the discordwere saying, oh, we want a
(04:00):
matchmaker, and I was like, oh,I've always kind of wanted to do
that.
I've always been reallyinterested in people and
relationships and communicationand all of that.
Um, I was an anthropology majorin college and, you know, took
some psychology classes to goalong with that.
Uh, so, yeah, it just madesense to me.
(04:24):
Um, yeah, I left my job in July.
That was sort of my likesecurity blanket, you know my
full-time salary job, and I havebeen trying to figure out, like
, what to do.
Uh, it's a rough job market outthere and, yeah, I, I found it
(04:44):
to be super rewarding so far.
Yeah, that's amazing.
Ellecia (04:50):
I love that.
I love that so much.
What, um, and so part of that,you're running like speed dating
events, right?
What does that look like?
Rozie (05:00):
Yeah, I've put on one so far and it had a capacity of 26
people.
17 people showed up.
I rented out a small brewery inGreenwood and, yeah, we had the
whole place to ourselves.
It was just really fun.
I had people set up to rotatethrough the different tables at
(05:23):
the brewery and make as manymatches as possible in the
amount of time that we had thatsounds like a blast, like
genuinely that sounds reallycool.
Ellecia (05:33):
Was there anything um that?
Like surprised you?
Rozie (05:39):
um, people were just really lively and excited about
it and, which I found surprising, uh, the way I had it set up
was sort of uh, with a queerfocus, and so I didn't have just
like men meeting women.
I don't think that model workssuper well in Seattle anyway, a
lot of people are some flavor ofqueer or non-binary uh, and so
(06:02):
like, how would you even setthat up?
And you know a lot of peopleare like bi or pansexual too, so
you can't even just likecategorize it uh in terms of
like heterosexual, heterosexualnorms.
Uh, right, yeah, but even likepeople who weren't necessarily
(06:22):
the people who would date eachother were, we're still like
having a great time and talkingand, you know, using up the
whole five minutes.
Ellecia (06:31):
Yeah, yeah, that's so cool.
I imagine it's like like evenjust trying to like make friends
as an adult is really hard,right.
And then to like make friends,that like have you know a
similar type of life, right, ormaking similar like relationship
choices or having similarrelationship styles and like
(06:53):
like building community in thatway, that sounds like such a
like really fun opportunity.
Rozie (07:00):
Yeah, it is really hard to make friends and that is
something that I offer asmatchmaking and then as part of
the speed dating event, I reallyhad people focus on the
community building aspect of it.
You know, I was saying youmight not necessarily have a
romantic connection with someone, but maybe there's someone who
would bring you soup when youwere sick, or who would walk
(07:22):
your dog when you're on vacationor something, or who would walk
your dog when you're onvacation or something.
Ellecia (07:28):
Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly, that's one of my
favorite things about polyamoryis like having having a like a
network of people who you canlike relate to in, in, in, in
multiple ways.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, what?
Um?
How?
(07:58):
I'm curious how you navigatematchmaking um for people that
have, like you know, like, likewe use this word polyamory but
like people have so manydifferent ideas of what that
means in so many different waysthat they relate to each other.
So I'm curious, how do younavigate that?
People have different likepreferences and relationship
styles and trying to match themup?
Rozie (08:15):
Yeah, that's like the fun part, because everyone's
looking for something differentand so you want to try to find
people who are looking for thesame situation.
So I always the first thing Iask people when I'm talking to
them after their name pronounsis what are you looking for in a
matchmaker, like, what can Ihelp you with?
And sometimes it's people wholooking they're looking for
(08:38):
someone who wants to have achild with them.
And sometimes it's people whowant a nesting partner who
doesn't want children.
And you know, sometimes itmight be like want a nesting
partner who doesn't wantchildren.
And you know, sometimes itmight be like three different
things that they're open to.
You know they're looking forsomething more casual and then
they're looking for, like, anesting partner.
Um, so really just askingquestions.
(08:58):
And then I have a prettyinvolved um spreadsheet system
that I get into where I justsort of systematically go
through and ask people questionsand then that I can use to help
make the matches.
Ellecia (09:13):
That's amazing, but that sounds better.
It's like it's a human drivenalgorithm, much better than the
app.
Yeah.
Rozie (09:23):
Yeah, I'm really passionate about it at this
point honestly, like gettingpeople off of the apps and kind
of just taking a slower and moreintentional approach to dating.
Swiping on apps is so addictingand I think it's really doing
people a disservice.
Ellecia (09:43):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree, I agree, I um.
In the last year, I startedworking with a startup, um for a
love app called Elixir, andoriginally we were thinking
dating app, and then we werelike God, no, it's insane and
(10:04):
toxic.
And so we actually movedtowards um, towards coaching and
educating people on their um,you know, on getting clear on
what they want, what they desire, what their boundaries are, how
to heal all of our likeinternal uh relationship
wounding and and get really goodwith, with, with yourself as
(10:24):
you're like dating andnavigating relationships and all
the different relationshipstyles, because the the dating
app thing is kind of it'straumatizing, I think, yeah yeah
, yeah it's.
Rozie (10:42):
it's a really frustrating system to navigate, like
regardless of your gender, um,or your appearance or anything.
There's always downsides tothose dating apps, but that's
cool, like so and like likeeducation, um and uh let's see
(11:09):
the word.
Ellecia (11:10):
I was looking for Um like um, uh, workshops, like
workshops around things like um,how to, how to like walk away
from a date that wasn't greatand still feel good about
yourself, right?
Yeah, things that we just don'tespecially over the last five,
(11:33):
six years, haven't had a lot ofpractice with.
Yeah, dating's been rough, yeahit really has been.
Yeah, mm-hmm well, how, how.
I'm curious, how would you?
How has the like polyamoryscene community culture in
(12:02):
seattle or in the area changedsince you started engaging with
it in 2017,?
Rozie (12:10):
I think you said yeah, that's a great question and I
can only explain things from myperspective.
But when I first started, Iwent to like group meetings for
poly people.
I went to like group meetingsfor poly people and I was one of
the youngest people there, bylike 10 to 20 years, which was
(12:32):
very intimidating.
But there was a very apparentlylike thriving community of
people and they're like mid tolate thirties, forties, fifties
who were holding a lot ofintentional discussions as a
community and I think it waslike twice monthly that you
could go um, and those arepeople who have been poly for a
(12:57):
long time, mostly now.
Uh, what I see is a lot ofpeople who are married, opening
up their relationships, likethat's a huge trend right now.
And then you also have peoplewho are much younger, like Gen Z
, coming in, who are justfamiliar with Polly as a as a
(13:19):
default.
Ellecia (13:21):
Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, like, why doesn't everybody do
this?
Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, like whydoesn't everybody do this?
Rozie (13:30):
But you know, not only get to pick one flavor.
Yeah, exactly.
But being a millennial andbeing raised in a very
conservative environment, um,I'm not really sure what the Gen
Z scene is in Seattle for fordating and polyamory.
Ellecia (13:47):
Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We um, I met my husband in 2014and we've never been monogamous
together.
Like I met him and I was likeI'm never.
I had just gotten divorced.
I was like I'm never going tobe monogamous again.
Um, but you're cool.
And he was like dope, I'mpolyamorous.
And I was like I don't know,that sounds weird.
Yeah, and years later, here Iam.
(14:11):
Now you're an expert.
I was like I just want to beslutty.
I don't know what you'retalking about.
And then we fell in love and Ihad to figure out how to, you
know, deal with my jealousy, myinsecurity and all the
monogamous conditioning.
(14:32):
Yeah, it's real.
Yeah, yeah, definitely,definitely.
What would you say is?
I know?
I'm going to ask you adifferent question.
What would you say is the mostmisunderstood or yeah, the
(14:52):
misunderstood aspect ofpolyamorous relationships by
people outside of polyamory?
Rozie (15:07):
polyamory.
The first thing that comes tomind for me is people thinking
that you can't have a seriousrelationship if you're
polyamorous, that you're justdating around and you can't form
a lifelong commitment and youdon't really love the other
person if you're not going tocommit to them in a monogamous
way.
Ellecia (15:22):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see that a lot.
And then the flip side of thatis is people who are
non-monogamous or polyamoroushave that belief kind of buried
real deep, like like I know thatit's possible, but what if it's
not?
And like trying to like I, Iknow I can love multiple people
and have multiple long-termrelationships and but what if?
(15:46):
What if those people were right?
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, what's been the biggestchallenge for you?
Being being polyamorous?
Rozie (16:09):
Finding people who want the same thing as me.
So I haven't wanted a veryhierarchical relationship.
I'm not really comfortable withhaving a partner who feels
entitled to, like, makedecisions for me.
Um, yeah, I know that not allhierarchy looks that way, but
it's definitely something thatyou can deal with.
(16:31):
And I also, at the same time,want a level of commitment, and
so finding that middle groundhas been really tricky.
Um, because a lot of people whoare open to dating solo poly
are like staunchly against, um,basic levels of commitment.
(16:54):
Um, and I want someone who Ican rely on, you know, yeah, to
like, if I have to have surgery,like they'll take care of me
for the six weeks after thesurgery.
You know, yeah, yeah.
Ellecia (17:13):
Or, you know, in a crisis, like we can be together,
uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah yeah, Iwas just thinking like the.
The example that always comesto mind for me is like when I
break down, my car breaks downon the side of the road, who do
I call, especially when I'm like, oh fuck what the side of the
road?
Who do I call, especially whenI'm like oh fuck what, like ah,
I can't think Right.
Rozie (17:30):
Yeah, yeah.
And I have a partner who, um,is married but uh still shows up
for me in very important ways.
Uh and I did end up in the ERthis June and, um, I didn't even
ask, I just told him I was inthe ER this June and I didn't
even ask, I just told him I wasin the ER and he was like I'll
be right there and came over andhung out with me until I got
(17:53):
out, you know that's so goodyeah, it's almost.
Ellecia (18:02):
It seems like that should almost be a given, like
there's a level of communitycare that needs to happen in
relationships that we've kind ofculturally gotten away from.
Like if it's not your spouse,or like your one main partner,
then we don't do anything.
However, if it was like ourbest friend, we would.
So there's something like wherethe romance is involved that
(18:26):
suddenly creates a barrier tosomething we would otherwise do
for, like a close friend or afamily member or our spouse,
right, but then all but like I Isee it a lot like in
polyamorous relationships,non-monogamous relationships,
something there if, becausethere's romance involved,
suddenly there has to be like a,a wall, like and it's really
(18:50):
weird and I want to see itchange.
Rozie (18:56):
Yeah, I mean, it's almost like you're not seeing your
romantic partner as a wholeperson at that point, if you're
not willing to show up for themwhen they need you.
Ellecia (19:05):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right .
Like, like I always, anytimeI'm and I give this advice to my
clients a lot but anytime I'mfeeling conflicted about like
what should I do?
What's the right thing to dohere, I always try and take the
romance out of the equation.
Like, okay, if this is myfriend, right, this is my best
(19:25):
friend of seven years that Ihang out with all the time and
they're having an emergency, howwould I show up for them?
What would I do?
How would the other people inmy life respond versus, because
this is my partner?
Yeah, like it helps me go whatis the right thing to do and
make decisions when I pull theromance part out, because we're
like so conditioned around what,what it means like love and and
(19:50):
whatnot.
Rozie (19:52):
Yeah, wow yeah, it's a good way of looking at it, yeah
it helps like I don't know.
Ellecia (19:58):
It helps take the weird weirdness out of it.
Right, I'm like this is myfriend then?
Then the answer seems reallyobvious.
But when I say this is like oneof my three partners, how, how
will this partner feel?
And how will that partner feeland what will you know it?
It it takes the weirdness out,I'm able to get clarity.
Rozie (20:34):
I always like to ask people about jealousy what is
your, what is, what's yourexperience with jealousy?
Jealousy is really interesting.
There's a lot of advice outthere and I think it can really
just depend.
I think a lot of advice is bad,um, uh, and you really have to
look at your own situation.
(20:55):
But for me, lately, when I'vefelt jealousy, it's when I'm
feeling less secure in myrelationship, and so the the
answer is what can I do to feelmore secure in my relationship?
Um, and, it's okay, it's okayto feel jealous sometimes, but,
(21:19):
um, it shouldn't be like rulingyour decision making yeah, yeah,
yeah.
Ellecia (21:27):
Anytime that I've been jealous to the point of it,
feeling, um, where it's likehijacks all my thoughts, right.
Then I'm like, okay, there's,there's something I need to do
here.
That's, that's a me problem,probably.
Uh, and when it's, you know itgo like is there actually
(21:48):
something bad happening to me oram I feeling like insecure or
something?
Rozie (21:52):
yeah, yeah, yeah, you can play the.
And then what game?
Like, oh I'm jealous that thisperson is with this person all
the time.
Well then, what will happen?
And then what will happen?
And you know, I think I learnedthat from like polyamory weekly
or something.
But if you get to the pointwhere you're like I will die
alone in a ditch, um,realistically, like that's
(22:14):
probably not going to happen.
Ellecia (22:18):
You probably have some better choices you can make
before you get there.
Yeah, that was my very firstpolyamory podcast that I started
listening to, and I listened toit for a very long time.
I loved it, and that was yeah,that's the one.
Rozie (22:33):
I was sad when they stopped making things.
Ellecia (22:38):
They still have really good advice out there, so that's
good.
Rozie (22:41):
Yeah, it's there for future generations.
Ellecia (22:44):
Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is there anything that Ihaven't asked you that you want
to share with the listeners?
Rozie (22:56):
Good question.
Hmm, man, I want people to takeyour coaching class and then
come be my clients right, let'sget your shit together and then
get you matched up.
Ellecia (23:16):
Yeah exactly.
Rozie (23:19):
Yeah, it's really interesting working with people.
I feel like I've made somereally good connections and part
of my goal is to just helppeople be happy, just like
spread good feelings around, andI feel like I've been pretty
successful in that.
But a lot of it depends on thepeople who I'm matching being in
(23:41):
a good place for that, and alot of people have a lot of
trauma.
Um, that that should definitelybe addressed before, um, they
get to me.
Ideally yeah yeah, and you knowsome of that like relationships
can be healing as well.
Um, but if you're at a point inyour relationships where you're
(24:05):
like constantly in conflict andrelationships don't feel good,
hopefully you're getting outsidesupport for that.
Ellecia (24:18):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's really, really important.
And there is there's an aspectof like there's some things you
can't work on if you aren't inthem Right, like, like, a lot of
people will come to me to workon jealousy and then you know
something happens or they changethings, that jealousy just
isn't popping up and so it'slike, well, in theory, like I've
(24:39):
got this down in theory, butuntil you actually have to put
it into practice, it's it's justa theory.
You don't know how your nervoussystem is going to react until
you're actually in the feels ofit, which is, you know, it's
like so doing some of the workfor yourself, and then, when
you're in relationships, youhave to keep doing the work so
(25:00):
that, as challenges come up, asthings you know, things get
triggered or activated, then youhave the capacity to work on
those in a way that doesn'tleave you shutting down or
running away or constantlyfighting.
Rozie (25:20):
Yeah, and I just had a thought that occurred to me
concerning jealousy.
Um, and I just had a thoughtthat occurred to me, uh,
concerning jealousy, it's reallyimportant to have your your
internal values straight and howyou want to show up in a
relationship and again, thatcomes from self-work and getting
external support sometimes.
So if you're experiencingjealousy, you can think like,
(25:42):
how does this align with myvalues and how I'm showing up?
Ellecia (25:47):
Yeah, yeah, like what's your, what's your North star,
what is what is your guidinglight in making your decisions
and relationships and for mostpeople, they don't know what
that is, other than I don't wantto be left, I don't want to be
abandoned, or I don't want tolose love and connection, and
that's probably the worst one,because then we just abandon
(26:07):
ourselves and accept things thataren't good for us.
Rozie (26:10):
Yeah, yeah, I really like the analogy or just like the
saying, like if you love them,let them go.
And the thing about polyamoryis that if you give people the
chance, they'll come back to youtime and time and time again
and that can really strengthenyour relationship and it
(26:33):
enriches all of our lives yeah,yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Ellecia (26:40):
Um.
How can people find SeattleInclusive Matchmaking?
Rozie (26:50):
Right now the best way is Facebook, so just look for
Seattle, polyamory, matchmakingand Speed Dating on Facebook.
And the next best way, if youdon't have Facebook, is to shoot
me an email.
I have very affordable rates,especially when you consider
(27:16):
that most matchmakers chargethousands of dollars.
I have an initial consult feeand then a monthly fee after
that, and everything is slidingscale.
I'm really excited to talk topeople.
Um, maybe we can put my emailin the show notes so that people
can click through to that theyneed to.
Ellecia (27:35):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely Amazing.
I love it so good.
Um, well, it's lost.
Um well, it's lost, so I will,I'll put your information in the
show notes so so people canfind you.
And um, I've enjoyed talking toyou so much, thank you.
(27:56):
Thank you, thank you for comingon.
Rozie (27:58):
Yeah, Thanks so much for reaching out to me sort of out
of the blue and, you know,trusting me.
Um, I really I I listened to somany podcast episodes and I
thought it was great, and so I'mreally excited to be here yeah,
good, good, good, good.
Ellecia (28:12):
Thank you yeah.
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