January 9, 2025 • 35 mins
Have you ever felt that knot in your stomach when your partner laughs a little too hard with someone new? Or that tightness in your chest when they're excited about a fresh connection? Jealousy can be an unwelcome guest in our emotional landscape, especially in non-monogamous relationships. But what if I told you that this intense feeling isn't your enemy, but potentially one of your most powerful allies?
In this episode, I'm sharing a perspective that completely changed my approach to jealousy. We're looking deep into why jealousy feels so primal, what it's really trying to tell us, and how we can transform it from a source of pain into a tool for growth and deeper connection.
Key Insights:
- Understanding the evolutionary roots of jealousy and why it feels so intense
- Decoding the three core messages jealousy typically carries
- Practical strategies for working with jealousy instead of against it
- How to communicate about jealousy without creating conflict
- Transforming jealousy into an opportunity for personal growth and stronger relationships
Learn how to recognize jealousy as a signal from your nervous system, and discover a three-step process to turn that gut-wrenching feeling into a powerful tool for growth. We'll discuss the importance of curiosity, self-reflection, and open communication in navigating these intense emotions.
"Jealousy isn't about being irrational or dramatic. It shows up because it touches on things that matter to us really, really deeply. Our sense of love, connection, belonging, trust, and safety."
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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ellecia (00:00):
You know that feeling.
Your chest tightens, your heartstarts racing.
You can't shake the thoughtsthat are circling around in your
head.
Maybe you're at a party andyour partner's laughing just a
little bit too much with someonethat you don't know, or you
notice how excited they seemwhen they talk about a new
connection that they've made.
And suddenly, there it isjealousy showing up like an
(00:22):
uninvited guest to your ownpersonal party, your own
personal emotional party.
It feels terrible, right,jealousy has this way of making
us feel really small and out ofcontrol and even a bit ashamed.
But what if it doesn't have tobe that way?
Today, I want to sharesomething with you that
(00:43):
completely changed the way thatI see jealousy.
It's not your enemy.
In fact, it's probably one ofthe most powerful guides that
you have, if you're willing tolisten to it.
And by the end of this episode,I'm going to show you how to
turn jealousy into a tool forgrowth that strengthens your
relationships and really deepensyour connection with yourself.
(01:06):
Welcome back to Nope.
We're Not Monogamous.
I'm Ellecia, yournon-monogamous relationship
coach, and once again, I'mtalking about jealousy.
It's almost like it's thebiggest topic we have to deal
with in relationships,especially non-monogamous
relationships.
You know, jealousy gets areally bad reputation and it's
(01:27):
often seen as something that youwant to avoid or suppress or
even feel guilty aboutexperiencing.
But really, jealousy isn't abad thing on its own.
Jealousy isn't evil or crazy orterrible.
It's just misunderstood andit's not here to ruin your
relationships.
It's genuinely here to help yougrow and have better
(01:48):
relationships.
So for this episode, you know,over the next 20 ish minutes I'm
gonna try and keep it down.
We're going to talk about howjealousy shows up, what it's
really trying to tell you andhow to work with it instead of
against it.
I'll throw in a couple ofpersonal stories, as I usually
do, so that you can see howthese tools have made a
(02:10):
difference in my own life and inthe lives of my clients.
Cool, all right, let's do this.
Okay, let's start withsomething that we don't really
talk about enough, and it's whyjealousy feels so deeply intense
and why it's so ingrained in us.
Jealousy isn't about beingirrational or dramatic.
(02:34):
It shows up because it toucheson things that matter to us
really really deeply Our senseof love, connection, belonging,
trust and safety.
Okay, it's an emotional alarmbell saying, saying like pay
attention, there's somethingimportant here.
Look up, it's a response that'sbeen hardwired into our nervous
(02:56):
systems.
It's literally designed toprotect us.
Think back to the days whenhumans lived in tribes and we
were entirely dependent on ourcommunities for survival.
If you lost the support of yourtribe, or if, like, if your key
relationships or yourconnections were threatened, you
risked being left to fend foryourself, you know.
(03:20):
And so back then that meant,you know, wandering the desert
alone or trying to trek your waythrough the jungle with no
protection, no food, no shelter,you risked being left to fend
for yourself.
You had a really high chance ofnot making it.
You had a really high chance ofdying alone in the wilderness,
(03:40):
being eaten by a lion, dependingon where you're at, although
that's always my example right.
And so you fast forward totoday, and those same instincts
still kick in Our brains, arestill trying to navigate the
same dangers in our modern world.
And so when jealousy comes up,it's your nervous system
(04:02):
sounding an alarm.
Hey, something feelsthreatening, and it feels like
it's threatening your bond withsomeone that's important to you,
and that's why jealousy feelsso primal.
That's why we go into thisprimal panic.
It's not logical and it's noteven just about emotions.
It's genuinely your body's deep, ancient fear of losing
(04:23):
connection and safety.
And when it shows up, it's nottrying to shame you.
It's trying to give you amessage hey, there's something
important happening here.
Let's figure it out, let'ssolve this problem.
Let's get back to safety.
Most of us don't know how todecode jealousy's message.
Instead, we either push it downor we pretend it's not there,
(04:47):
or we overreact, right, and weact on it in ways that can hurt
us or hurt our relationships,like picking fights or spiraling
into self-doubt.
Let's talk about how this playsout in non-monogamy.
In traditional monogamousrelationships, there's this
built-in assumption ofexclusivity that oftentimes
soothes this alarm system.
(05:08):
Regardless of the quality ofthe relationship, your nervous
system knows that this is aknown factor.
Everything is known, it'ssecure, it's safe, there's
nothing threatening to it.
Right, it's like saying you'rethe only one, so your place is
secure.
But in non-monogamy, weintentionally open the door to
(05:32):
new connections, and that'sbeautiful.
It allows for more love, morefreedom, more growth, more sexy
times.
But it also means that theseancient alarm systems get
triggered more often.
Your brain might interpret a newpartner or a connection as a
potential threat, even when,logically, you know that it's
(05:52):
not, and for a lot of us, welogically don't know that it's
not because we haven't hadenough experience of it being
okay, right?
So there's multiple thingsgoing on there and your nervous
system hasn't gotten the memothat love can expand without
taking anything away from you,that people can get naked and
(06:14):
that doesn't mean you havedisappeared from your partner's
mind or heart, right?
So instead of spiraling intolike, why am I feeling this way?
Am I not cut out for this?
Am I wrong?
Does this mean I'm monogamous?
It's important to remember thatyour feelings are, like, really
normal, really normal.
Your body is just trying toprotect you and jealousy is your
(06:35):
nervous system doing its job.
It's not a flaw.
It doesn't mean something'swrong with you.
The challenge and theopportunity in non-monogamy is
learning how to work with thisinstinct rather than letting it
take over.
Okay, so I'm going to tell youhow.
So the first thing I want you todo is recognize that jealousy
is ultimately about safety.
(06:56):
When jealousy arises, askyourself what feels unsafe to me
in this moment.
Maybe it's a fear of losingyour partner's time, their
attention, their love.
But by naming it, you genuinely, you take the first step
towards addressing it.
You know what you're workingwith.
You know what you're battlingagainst, right?
(07:18):
The second thing is reassureyour nervous system.
So your nervous system is likea fire alarm it doesn't care if
there's a real fire or if youjust burn the toast, it's going
to go off.
So your nervous system is likea fire alarm it doesn't care if
there's a real fire or if youjust burn the toast, it's going
to go off.
So you need to.
You need to either hit thereset button or use a use some
water to put out the fire, right?
So, uh, this might look likesome self-soothing practices,
(07:42):
like breath work or masturbation.
This might mean you're askingyour partner for reassurance,
like I need to hear that I'mstill important to you, right?
Or it might mean really workingon some self-love and self-care
, right?
The third thing you need to dois focus on your connection and
(08:03):
not on the threat.
You know, instead of fixatingon the new connection or the
partner that triggered yourjealousy, you want to redirect
your attention to strengtheningyour bond with your existing
partner, like spending qualitytime together, sharing your
feelings, reminding each otherof the unique connection that
(08:24):
you have, because, I promise you, it is very unique.
And then the fourth thing yougot to communicate, and
communicate with curiosity andopenness, right.
When we're expressing thisemotion of jealousy, we want to
approach it from a place ofcuriosity rather than blame.
Approach it from a place ofcuriosity rather than blame.
(08:47):
You know, for example, when Iheard about your date, I noticed
I started to feel insecure.
No-transcript I'm jealous, Idon't want you to go on that
date.
I don't want to feel this badfeeling, so just don't do
(09:07):
anything that makes me have todeal with my internal shit.
Okay, you know, we want tocreate a space where there's
understanding and connectioninstead of defensiveness.
One of the biggestmisconceptions about
non-monogamy is that jealousymeans that you're wrong.
You're doing it wrong, youdon't fit in, you don't know how
(09:30):
right, but that couldn't befurther from the truth.
Jealousy is a natural part ofthe human experience and it's
how you respond to it thatmatters.
It's the choices you make, theactions that you make, that
matter.
When you approach jealousy withcompassion and curiosity, you
start transforming it from thisenemy to fight against into a
(09:52):
teacher.
It becomes a guide that showsyou where you need healing.
You need connection, you needreassurance, and the best part
of that is these tools that youdevelop to navigate jealousy,
like communication andself-soothing and vulnerability.
They don't just help yourrelationships, they help you
grow as a human being.
They help you become a betterperson in all of your
(10:14):
relationships at work, with yourkids, with your family, with
your friends.
Guys, these are real lifeskills, not just non-monogamy
skills.
You know, I can remember earlyin my non-monogamy experiences
when my partner startedconnecting with someone new and
they were super excited aboutthis person and I really wanted
(10:36):
to be happy for them.
I wanted to experiencecompersion, but I wasn't.
Instead I was like panicking.
I was like what if this personis better than me?
What if they like this personmore than me?
What if I'm not enough?
What if I'm?
My jealousy pushes my partner?
What if that person's notjealous, like all of these
(10:58):
things, right?
Um, it felt like I was back insome ancient survival mode.
In the survival mode this, thisancient survival mode, this
primal panic, my brain wasn'tthinking, oh, how lovely for
them.
I'm so excited for them.
It was screaming at me You'regoing to be replaced, you're
losing your spot in the tribe,you're going to wander the
(11:19):
desert and be eaten by a lionand I don't even know that lions
are in deserts.
I think they're actually insavannas, so my analogies get
really fucked up there.
But what really changedeverything was I learned how to
pause.
I learned how to take a break,breathe and remind myself that
(11:49):
my partner's connection withsomeone else didn't mean less
love for me.
It didn't mean less sex for me.
It didn't even mean less timefor me, and if it did, that was
something we could talk about.
Right, that's solvable.
And I realized my jealousywasn't about them.
It was really about my need forreassurance and connection and,
underneath that, some seriousself love, because a lot of, a
(12:14):
lot of what I was doing wasoutsourcing my love and relying
on my partner so that I couldfeel worthy and valuable.
No-transcript, we got closerand closer.
(12:59):
So let's talk about whatjealousy is really trying to
tell you.
In my experience and in thestories that I've heard from so
many of my coaching clients,jealousy typically carries one
of three core messages.
It's like an emotional DM.
Your jealousy is sending you adirect message on Instagram,
(13:24):
signaling where something needsattention right, either in your
relationship or in yourself.
So I'm going to share thosethree with you.
The first one is that you needreassurance.
It's probably the most commonJealousy shows up for most of us
when we're feeling uncertainabout our relationship.
It's your nervous system sayingI don't know where I stand and
(13:45):
I need to know that I'm secureand that I'm valued Like.
Think about the last time thatyou felt jealous.
Maybe your partner was excitedabout someone new and your mind
took off and started runningaway with this whole story about
how they're going to like thisnew person more than you.
Or maybe they've been spendinga lot of time away from home and
(14:06):
you're wondering if yourconnection was still as strong
as it used to be.
Right.
And in moments like these,jealousy isn't being needy or
insecure.
It's about wanting to feelloved and seen and prioritized,
and that's a completely validneed.
We all need that.
(14:27):
So the first thing you want todo with this is acknowledge how
you're feeling, without judgment.
Remind yourself that it'stotally okay to feel this way,
that you're just looking forreassurance, and then next you
want to think about what kind ofreassurance you actually need.
Is it words of affirmation?
Do you like hearing yourpartner say that they value you?
Or is it quality time togetherto reconnect?
(14:47):
Right Like, what is it for youand and also what is it for your
partner, because because bothof the way that you connect, the
way you get reassurance aboutyour connection, can often mean
that both that that's met forboth of you Right, and then you
want to communicate that need toyour partner.
You know, maybe it's I amfeeling jealous and I'm
(15:09):
realizing that I'm.
I'm actually not getting enoughtime with you.
I don't feel like our time isquality.
We've been really busy and andso that's making me feel extra
uneasy Can we plan a date nightjust for us?
Reassurance doesn't mean thatyou're asking for permission to
feel safe.
It means that you're creating aspace with where both you and
(15:31):
your partner can show up withlove and understanding, and I
mean this for each and everyrelationship that you have.
Okay, this is whether you'reconsensually non monogamous, a
swinger, you're polyamorous, youknow, whatever the relationship
structure is where you'refeeling those insecurities,
(15:52):
where you're feeling thatjealousy needs, it's showing you
, it's a signpost that somethingis going on in that
relationship that needs to beaddressed, or in yourself and
your relationship with yourselfto be addressed, or in yourself
and your relationship withyourself.
So the second, the second bigone that I see, which I just hit
on a little bit is that feelingof disconnection.
(16:13):
When we're out of sync with ourpartners, whether that's
emotionally, physically,logistically you know you can't
get your Google calendars toline up it's really easy for our
nervous system to interpretthat as a potential threat, like
if your partner has been busywith work, a new hobby,
friendships, other relationshipsand you start feeling like
you're not as connected as youused to be.
(16:35):
Jealousy can pop up here, andnot because of anything specific
that they've done, but becauseyour bond feels stretched out.
You're trying to feed it, butyou don't really have any food.
This can happen, you know, in,let's say, like polyamorous
dynamics, when schedules arepacked and you haven't had
enough one on one time with apartner.
(16:57):
It's not just about beingjealous of someone else.
It can be that you're missingthat closeness, that sense of
closeness, or that your lovetank isn't full right.
When my love tank is empty,insecurity and jealousy pop up
much faster, much easier.
And not just my love tank, likenot just our connection, but
(17:19):
also just personally, like if Ihaven't gotten enough sleep, if
I am hungry, if I'm hangry, ifI'm hormonal, like all of these
things can happen, that it justfeels like this much bigger,
bigger thing that's happening.
So you got to look at all ofthose.
So the first thing you want todo is like figure out, where are
(17:41):
you feeling this disconnection?
Is it emotional, is it physical, is it something else?
And then you want to takeaction and start working towards
rebuilding that bond.
And it might look like planningintentional quality time, maybe
sharing something vulnerable tocreate intimacy, or maybe just
sitting down and talking abouthow you've been feeling and
(18:03):
remember.
Disconnection happens in everysingle relationship.
Relationships ebb and flow,they go through seasons and it's
the repair process that mattersthe most.
One of my clients shared areally good example.
They noticed jealousy flaringup whenever their partner spent
time on a new hobby that theyshared with another partner and
this was a long-term partner.
(18:24):
They hadn't been feelingjealous over this other partner.
So when we unpacked it, theyrealized that it wasn't about
the hobby or the partner.
They were just missing theirusual Friday night movie, like
Friday night movie dates thatthey had had in the past, and so
when they started schedulingthose dates again, the jealousy
melted away because their bondfelt connected again.
(18:46):
It felt solid again.
Okay, the third common one thatI see and this is the big one
and it's deeply personal.
Sometimes, jealousy doesn'thave much to do with your
partner or their actions at all.
Sometimes it's all about you.
It's your fears, yourinsecurities and your doubts
about whether you're enough,whether you're lovableurities,
and your doubts about whetheryou're enough, whether you're
(19:07):
lovable, whether you're valuable, whether you're worthy of this
relationship.
I mean, think about it.
Have you ever felt jealousbecause you compared yourself to
someone else?
That's always been a big onefor me.
That's always been a big onefor me.
That's always been a big onefor me.
That's always been a big onefor me.
(19:28):
You know, maybe you thoughtlike they're funnier than me, or
they're more adventurous, orthey're more attractive or just
more Right this little voice inyour head whispering what if I
can't measure up?
This isn't a failing on yourpart as a partner.
This is about the stories thatwe tell ourselves about our
(19:49):
worth, and the good news is youdon't have to believe those
stories and this is somethingthat you can work on.
That will change everything inyour relationships, I promise so
, the first thing you want to do.
I'm just going to give you acouple of things, a couple of
little things, to address thatStart by challenging that
narrative.
Ask yourself is it true thatI'm not enough, or is this my
(20:10):
fear talking?
A lot of times, ourinsecurities are a lot louder
than reality, and if yourinsecurities are so loud that
they're like, yeah, nope, that'strue, I am definitely not
enough, I'm a big piece of shit.
Please start working withsomeone, start doing some
(20:32):
self-love, healing work, becauseI promise you that you are
valuable, you are worthy, Ipromise.
It's just a matter of likegetting yourself to believe it.
Second thing is reframe yourperspective.
Instead of seeing other peopleas competition, see them as
complementary.
Right, and remember that yourpartner's love or attraction to
(20:53):
someone else doesn't take awayfrom their love or attraction to
you, and know that your you areunique and your relationship is
unique and other peopleliterally can't replace that,
that uniqueness.
I know I've heard plenty of youand I've said it myself plenty
of you say but I can be replaced, like I've been divorced.
(21:16):
I know I can be replaced as aspouse, but I can't be replaced
as Elysia, right, you can't bereplaced as you, as the partner
that you are, you areirreplaceable.
So look at the things that arecomplementary and then the third
thing is focus on yourstrengths.
What makes you unique, whatmakes you irreplaceable in your
(21:38):
partner's life.
Write them down if you need to.
It's a really, really goodreminder when the doubt creeps
in.
And one of the most, one of themost beautiful things about
non-monogamy is that itchallenges us to trust in our
inherent value.
You don't have to be everythingto your partner.
You just need to be yourself.
That's enough.
(21:58):
I promise it really is.
So let me ask you when was thelast time jealousy showed up for
you, and which of thesemessages do you think it was
trying to send you?
Did you need reassurance?
Were you feeling disconnected,or was it a moment to reflect on
your own worth?
Once you decode jealousy'smessage, you can start
(22:20):
addressing the real need behindit, and that's where change
happens.
That's where things transform.
That's where alchemy happens.
Here's the big takeaway on thatJealousy isn't an enemy.
It's not here to tear you down.
It's not here to wreck yourrelationships.
It's here to guide you towardswhat you need, whether that's
connection, communication,self-love.
And when you stop seeingjealousy as something to fight,
(22:44):
to hide, to put away in a box,and you start seeing it as
something to learn from,something to pay attention to,
you're going to unlock a newlevel of growth, and I don't
know about you, but that's oneof the biggest parts of this for
me is personal growth becominga better me, and in non-monogamy
.
That growth isn't just helpful,it's like essential, like you
(23:07):
need it.
Okay, now that we understandthat jealousy is a signal, not
an enemy, the question becomeshow do we work with it?
How do we turn thatgut-wrenching, chest-tightening
feeling into something thatactually helps us?
The key is curiosity.
Instead of reacting to jealousyor trying to bury it, you got
to pause and get curious aboutwhat it's really telling you.
(23:30):
So here's a three-step process.
I know I've given you lots ofthings today.
Here's a three-step process toturn jealousy into a powerful
tool for growth.
And it's simple, but it'stransformative when you put it
into practice.
One pause, remind yourself.
This feeling isn't permanent.
(23:51):
It's here to tell me something.
By pausing, you give yourselfthe space to process what's
happening before you respond.
Two ask questions.
Once you've paused and groundedyourself, it's time to get
curious.
Jealousy isn't always aboutwhat's happening in the moment.
(24:13):
It's often tied to deeper fears, deeper stories that we're
telling ourselves.
So what triggered the feeling?
What story am I telling myselfright now, and is this story
true?
And then three look for theneed.
This is the most transformativestep.
It's the biggest change.
This is figuring out whatjealousy is really pointing to,
(24:35):
because jealousy is never justabout the surface level feeling.
It's always about somethingdeeper, an unmet need underneath
.
Okay, so ask yourself what do Ineed to feel more secure in this
moment?
What action or reassurancewould help soothe this feeling?
What do I need?
What do I need to do?
(24:56):
Okay, and maybe you need tocheck in with your partner to
reconnect.
Maybe you need clarity abouttheir new connection or a
reminder of your unique bond.
Maybe it's an internal need andyou need to practice more
self-compassion or focus more onyour own strengths or just go
beat off a lot, I don't know.
You tell me Okay.
(25:18):
Now let's be real about thehardest part of jealousy.
It isn't feeling it.
Although that part sucks, it'ssharing it with your partner.
The thought of saying I feeljealous feels so freaking
vulnerable.
Maybe you're worried they'llmisunderstand, they'll get
(25:44):
defensive, they'll judge you,they'll get angry.
But communicating jealousydoesn't have to lead to conflict
.
As a matter of fact, itshouldn't.
As a matter of fact, if youhandle it right, if you are
being thoughtful andcompassionate and have created a
relationship with space, forthat it can bring you a lot
closer.
It's really about how youapproach the conversation, so
here's how you do it.
(26:05):
You got to own your feelings.
First things first.
Jealousy is your emotionalexperience.
It's not something your partneris doing to you.
Okay, maybe something yourpartner did triggered it, but
this feeling, this likedisgusting feeling where the
floor is dropping out and youwant to puke and like you can't
think about anything else that'syour emotional experience.
(26:28):
They are not creating it.
So when you frame it that way,it really shifts the tone of the
conversation.
Right, instead of saying likeyou're making me jealous, which
sounds accusatory, it soundslike you're blaming them.
Try something like I've beenfeeling really uneasy and I want
to share why.
Can you feel the difference?
(26:51):
The first one puts your partneron the defensive.
If somebody looked at me andwas like what the fuck You're
making me jealous, I would belike, well, kick rocks because I
didn't do shit.
Okay, there's probably a lotmore context to that, but that's
my first thought.
Okay, and you know the secondoption like I'm feeling uneasy,
(27:15):
I want to share with you why.
And you know the second optionlike I'm feeling uneasy, I want
to share with you.
Why can we talk about this?
That opens the door tocollaboration, and owning your
feelings doesn't mean it doesn'tmean downplaying them.
It means taking responsibilityfor how you're processing the
situation and framing it as aconversation and not a
confrontation.
And then, once you've opened upthis conversation, the next step
(27:37):
is to focus on the need behindyour jealousy.
So don't forget that jealousyis pointing to something deeper.
Maybe it's a need forreassurance, more quality time,
clarity about boundaries oragreements.
So when you express the need,it's important to frame it in a
way that doesn't feel like ademand.
Instead of saying you neverspent enough time with me, try,
(28:02):
I'm craving some one-on-one timewith you so that we can
reconnect.
By focusing on what you needrather than what your partner's
doing wrong, you make it easierfor them to respond with empathy
and support and care.
They're not defensive.
They can pay attention towhat's happening for you.
And then you want to.
(28:25):
As a final step, you want toinvite your partner into the
process.
Okay, jealousy doesn't have tobe something that you solve
alone.
It's something that you canactually work through together.
One of the main pillars of myBeyond Monogamy framework is
collaboration, right, clarity,communication, connection,
collaboration and confidence.
Those are the things we need.
And collaboration is afoundational concept because in
(28:50):
non-monogamy, we're not justnavigating one relationship.
We're often balancing multipleconnections, multiple dynamics,
multiple needs, all sorts ofdifferent agreements on top of
work and family and kids andpets and hobbies right Like it's
a lot.
And collaboration is whatallows us to approach challenges
like jealousy with a sense ofteamwork rather than creating a
(29:14):
bunch of tension.
So when jealousy comes up,inviting your partner into the
process is one of the mostpowerful things that you can do,
and this means shifting thefocus from how do I fix this to
how can we work through thistogether.
It's not just about one personfeeling responsible for solving
everything.
(29:35):
It's about creating a solutionthat works for both of you, or
all of you.
You know collaboration mightlook like asking open-ended
questions that invite aconversation, right Like how can
we stay connected while we'renavigating this?
What can we do to make sureboth of us feel supported?
What does success look like forus in this dynamic?
(29:58):
And when you're asking thesekind of questions, you're
showing your partner that theirfeelings and input matter as
well, and it shows that you'reinvested in finding a solution
that works for everyone in therelationship, and it isn't just
an individual, the relationshipand it isn't just an individual
solving an individual problem.
(30:26):
The magic of collaboration isthat it turns moments of
conflict or tension intoopportunities for connection.
When you're tackling jealousyas a team, it strengthens your
bond.
It helps you feel more securein the relationship, and one of
the things I'm always remindingmy clients is that collaboration
isn't this one time thing.
It's an ongoing practice.
It's you're building a cultureor a container in your
(30:48):
relationship where teamwork isthe default response to
challenges.
Community is the defaultresponse to challenges, because
human beings are communitycreatures.
We need people.
It's how we're built, it's howwe're wired, it's how we survive
, it's how we feel safe.
So the next time you're feelingjealousy, instead of thinking
(31:11):
what's wrong with me, why arethey making me feel this way,
ask how can we navigate thistogether, and don't push your
needs aside so that your partnercan have what they want and you
just suffer in silence.
That is not what I'm saying.
That's that weird monogamouscompromise that always leaves
(31:32):
somebody losing.
Okay, how can we navigate thistogether?
And instead of assuming thatyour partner's not going to
understand, invite them into aconversation.
Be curious, build trust.
When collaboration is a pillarof your relationship, even the
toughest moments can bring youcloser instead of pushing you
apart.
So remember sharing about yourjealousy, sharing your emotions,
(31:56):
is really vulnerable, butvulnerability is where real
connection happens.
It's where intimacy is created.
And when you approach theseconversations with openness and
curiosity and a willingness towork together, you're going to
build something a lot strongerthan this like moment or day, or
even week.
But it's passing, this feelingof jealousy, and the best part
(32:19):
is that every time you navigatethese conversations successfully
, you strengthen your emotionalresilience, you strengthen the
bond that you have with yourpartner, and it's a skill that
gets easier and easier withpractice.
Every time you do it, it's oneof the most powerful tools that
you can develop in yournon-monogamous relationships.
Okay, so jealousy is not hereto hurt you.
(32:43):
It's here to help you.
I promise it is, and when youlearn to work with it, you get
so much deeper self-awareness,stronger relationships, deep
peace, god.
I remember there was a whilethere, like a couple of years,
where all I wanted was to feelpeace and just not have to deal
with feeling jealous anymore.
(33:03):
And on the other side of that,what a relief you know, just
imagine feeling secure even inmoments of uncertainty, knowing
that you have the tools tohandle whatever is coming your
way.
And that's why I created BeyondJealousy.
That's a program I designed tohelp you find that peace, find
(33:31):
that security, navigate all ofthe BS that keeps coming up
right.
This is where you learn todecode jealousy's messages, to
communicate without conflict, toturn those really challenging
moments into opportunities toconnect.
Plus, you get supported thewhole time with a community of
people who actually truly get it.
They're not your monogamousfriends who are like I don't
understand what you're doing.
(33:51):
If this hurts, why don't youstop doing it?
This hurts, why don't you stopdoing it?
So frustrating, right?
So if you're ready to stopfeeling stuck, if you want to
start shifting that jealousyinto a tool and keep growing,
you can click on the show notesor go to aliciapaincom.
You can join us, get on thewait list.
(34:12):
We're going to be starting nextmonth.
Thank you so much for listeningand for choosing to show up for
yourself today, and if youenjoyed this episode, please
leave a review.
Hit the little stars, thelittle thumbs up, whatever is
showing up on the platform thatyou are getting this in, and
(34:34):
make it so that other people canfind us.
See ya.
You know that feeling.
Your chest tightens, your heartstarts racing.
You can't shake the thoughtsthat are circling around in your
head.
Maybe you're at a party andyour partner's laughing just a
little bit too much with someonethat you don't know, or you
notice how excited they seemwhen they talk about a new
connection that they've made.
And suddenly, there it isjealousy showing up like an
(00:22):
uninvited guest to your ownpersonal party, your own
personal emotional party.
It feels terrible, right,jealousy has this way of making
us feel really small and out ofcontrol and even a bit ashamed.
But what if it doesn't have tobe that way?
Today, I want to sharesomething with you that
(00:43):
completely changed the way thatI see jealousy.
It's not your enemy.
In fact, it's probably one ofthe most powerful guides that
you have, if you're willing tolisten to it.
And by the end of this episode,I'm going to show you how to
turn jealousy into a tool forgrowth that strengthens your
relationships and really deepensyour connection with yourself.
(01:06):
Welcome back to Nope.
We're Not Monogamous.
I'm Ellecia, yournon-monogamous relationship
coach, and once again, I'mtalking about jealousy.
It's almost like it's thebiggest topic we have to deal
with in relationships,especially non-monogamous
relationships.
You know, jealousy gets areally bad reputation and it's
(01:27):
often seen as something that youwant to avoid or suppress or
even feel guilty aboutexperiencing.
But really, jealousy isn't abad thing on its own.
Jealousy isn't evil or crazy orterrible.
It's just misunderstood andit's not here to ruin your
relationships.
It's genuinely here to help yougrow and have better
(01:48):
relationships.
So for this episode, you know,over the next 20 ish minutes I'm
gonna try and keep it down.
We're going to talk about howjealousy shows up, what it's
really trying to tell you andhow to work with it instead of
against it.
I'll throw in a couple ofpersonal stories, as I usually
do, so that you can see howthese tools have made a
(02:10):
difference in my own life and inthe lives of my clients.
Cool, all right, let's do this.
Okay, let's start withsomething that we don't really
talk about enough, and it's whyjealousy feels so deeply intense
and why it's so ingrained in us.
Jealousy isn't about beingirrational or dramatic.
(02:34):
It shows up because it toucheson things that matter to us
really really deeply Our senseof love, connection, belonging,
trust and safety.
Okay, it's an emotional alarmbell saying, saying like pay
attention, there's somethingimportant here.
Look up, it's a response that'sbeen hardwired into our nervous
(02:56):
systems.
It's literally designed toprotect us.
Think back to the days whenhumans lived in tribes and we
were entirely dependent on ourcommunities for survival.
If you lost the support of yourtribe, or if, like, if your key
relationships or yourconnections were threatened, you
risked being left to fend foryourself, you know.
(03:20):
And so back then that meant,you know, wandering the desert
alone or trying to trek your waythrough the jungle with no
protection, no food, no shelter,you risked being left to fend
for yourself.
You had a really high chance ofnot making it.
You had a really high chance ofdying alone in the wilderness,
(03:40):
being eaten by a lion, dependingon where you're at, although
that's always my example right.
And so you fast forward totoday, and those same instincts
still kick in Our brains, arestill trying to navigate the
same dangers in our modern world.
And so when jealousy comes up,it's your nervous system
(04:02):
sounding an alarm.
Hey, something feelsthreatening, and it feels like
it's threatening your bond withsomeone that's important to you,
and that's why jealousy feelsso primal.
That's why we go into thisprimal panic.
It's not logical and it's noteven just about emotions.
It's genuinely your body's deep, ancient fear of losing
(04:23):
connection and safety.
And when it shows up, it's nottrying to shame you.
It's trying to give you amessage hey, there's something
important happening here.
Let's figure it out, let'ssolve this problem.
Let's get back to safety.
Most of us don't know how todecode jealousy's message.
Instead, we either push it downor we pretend it's not there,
(04:47):
or we overreact, right, and weact on it in ways that can hurt
us or hurt our relationships,like picking fights or spiraling
into self-doubt.
Let's talk about how this playsout in non-monogamy.
In traditional monogamousrelationships, there's this
built-in assumption ofexclusivity that oftentimes
soothes this alarm system.
(05:08):
Regardless of the quality ofthe relationship, your nervous
system knows that this is aknown factor.
Everything is known, it'ssecure, it's safe, there's
nothing threatening to it.
Right, it's like saying you'rethe only one, so your place is
secure.
But in non-monogamy, weintentionally open the door to
(05:32):
new connections, and that'sbeautiful.
It allows for more love, morefreedom, more growth, more sexy
times.
But it also means that theseancient alarm systems get
triggered more often.
Your brain might interpret a newpartner or a connection as a
potential threat, even when,logically, you know that it's
(05:52):
not, and for a lot of us, welogically don't know that it's
not because we haven't hadenough experience of it being
okay, right?
So there's multiple thingsgoing on there and your nervous
system hasn't gotten the memothat love can expand without
taking anything away from you,that people can get naked and
(06:14):
that doesn't mean you havedisappeared from your partner's
mind or heart, right?
So instead of spiraling intolike, why am I feeling this way?
Am I not cut out for this?
Am I wrong?
Does this mean I'm monogamous?
It's important to remember thatyour feelings are, like, really
normal, really normal.
Your body is just trying toprotect you and jealousy is your
(06:35):
nervous system doing its job.
It's not a flaw.
It doesn't mean something'swrong with you.
The challenge and theopportunity in non-monogamy is
learning how to work with thisinstinct rather than letting it
take over.
Okay, so I'm going to tell youhow.
So the first thing I want you todo is recognize that jealousy
is ultimately about safety.
(06:56):
When jealousy arises, askyourself what feels unsafe to me
in this moment.
Maybe it's a fear of losingyour partner's time, their
attention, their love.
But by naming it, you genuinely, you take the first step
towards addressing it.
You know what you're workingwith.
You know what you're battlingagainst, right?
(07:18):
The second thing is reassureyour nervous system.
So your nervous system is likea fire alarm it doesn't care if
there's a real fire or if youjust burn the toast, it's going
to go off.
So your nervous system is likea fire alarm it doesn't care if
there's a real fire or if youjust burn the toast, it's going
to go off.
So you need to.
You need to either hit thereset button or use a use some
water to put out the fire, right?
So, uh, this might look likesome self-soothing practices,
(07:42):
like breath work or masturbation.
This might mean you're askingyour partner for reassurance,
like I need to hear that I'mstill important to you, right?
Or it might mean really workingon some self-love and self-care
, right?
The third thing you need to dois focus on your connection and
(08:03):
not on the threat.
You know, instead of fixatingon the new connection or the
partner that triggered yourjealousy, you want to redirect
your attention to strengtheningyour bond with your existing
partner, like spending qualitytime together, sharing your
feelings, reminding each otherof the unique connection that
(08:24):
you have, because, I promise you, it is very unique.
And then the fourth thing yougot to communicate, and
communicate with curiosity andopenness, right.
When we're expressing thisemotion of jealousy, we want to
approach it from a place ofcuriosity rather than blame.
Approach it from a place ofcuriosity rather than blame.
(08:47):
You know, for example, when Iheard about your date, I noticed
I started to feel insecure.
No-transcript I'm jealous, Idon't want you to go on that
date.
I don't want to feel this badfeeling, so just don't do
(09:07):
anything that makes me have todeal with my internal shit.
Okay, you know, we want tocreate a space where there's
understanding and connectioninstead of defensiveness.
One of the biggestmisconceptions about
non-monogamy is that jealousymeans that you're wrong.
You're doing it wrong, youdon't fit in, you don't know how
(09:30):
right, but that couldn't befurther from the truth.
Jealousy is a natural part ofthe human experience and it's
how you respond to it thatmatters.
It's the choices you make, theactions that you make, that
matter.
When you approach jealousy withcompassion and curiosity, you
start transforming it from thisenemy to fight against into a
(09:52):
teacher.
It becomes a guide that showsyou where you need healing.
You need connection, you needreassurance, and the best part
of that is these tools that youdevelop to navigate jealousy,
like communication andself-soothing and vulnerability.
They don't just help yourrelationships, they help you
grow as a human being.
They help you become a betterperson in all of your
(10:14):
relationships at work, with yourkids, with your family, with
your friends.
Guys, these are real lifeskills, not just non-monogamy
skills.
You know, I can remember earlyin my non-monogamy experiences
when my partner startedconnecting with someone new and
they were super excited aboutthis person and I really wanted
(10:36):
to be happy for them.
I wanted to experiencecompersion, but I wasn't.
Instead I was like panicking.
I was like what if this personis better than me?
What if they like this personmore than me?
What if I'm not enough?
What if I'm?
My jealousy pushes my partner?
What if that person's notjealous, like all of these
(10:58):
things, right?
Um, it felt like I was back insome ancient survival mode.
In the survival mode this, thisancient survival mode, this
primal panic, my brain wasn'tthinking, oh, how lovely for
them.
I'm so excited for them.
It was screaming at me You'regoing to be replaced, you're
losing your spot in the tribe,you're going to wander the
(11:19):
desert and be eaten by a lionand I don't even know that lions
are in deserts.
I think they're actually insavannas, so my analogies get
really fucked up there.
But what really changedeverything was I learned how to
pause.
I learned how to take a break,breathe and remind myself that
(11:49):
my partner's connection withsomeone else didn't mean less
love for me.
It didn't mean less sex for me.
It didn't even mean less timefor me, and if it did, that was
something we could talk about.
Right, that's solvable.
And I realized my jealousywasn't about them.
It was really about my need forreassurance and connection and,
underneath that, some seriousself love, because a lot of, a
(12:14):
lot of what I was doing wasoutsourcing my love and relying
on my partner so that I couldfeel worthy and valuable.
No-transcript, we got closerand closer.
(12:59):
So let's talk about whatjealousy is really trying to
tell you.
In my experience and in thestories that I've heard from so
many of my coaching clients,jealousy typically carries one
of three core messages.
It's like an emotional DM.
Your jealousy is sending you adirect message on Instagram,
(13:24):
signaling where something needsattention right, either in your
relationship or in yourself.
So I'm going to share thosethree with you.
The first one is that you needreassurance.
It's probably the most commonJealousy shows up for most of us
when we're feeling uncertainabout our relationship.
It's your nervous system sayingI don't know where I stand and
(13:45):
I need to know that I'm secureand that I'm valued Like.
Think about the last time thatyou felt jealous.
Maybe your partner was excitedabout someone new and your mind
took off and started runningaway with this whole story about
how they're going to like thisnew person more than you.
Or maybe they've been spendinga lot of time away from home and
(14:06):
you're wondering if yourconnection was still as strong
as it used to be.
Right.
And in moments like these,jealousy isn't being needy or
insecure.
It's about wanting to feelloved and seen and prioritized,
and that's a completely validneed.
We all need that.
(14:27):
So the first thing you want todo with this is acknowledge how
you're feeling, without judgment.
Remind yourself that it'stotally okay to feel this way,
that you're just looking forreassurance, and then next you
want to think about what kind ofreassurance you actually need.
Is it words of affirmation?
Do you like hearing yourpartner say that they value you?
Or is it quality time togetherto reconnect?
(14:47):
Right Like, what is it for youand and also what is it for your
partner, because because bothof the way that you connect, the
way you get reassurance aboutyour connection, can often mean
that both that that's met forboth of you Right, and then you
want to communicate that need toyour partner.
You know, maybe it's I amfeeling jealous and I'm
(15:09):
realizing that I'm.
I'm actually not getting enoughtime with you.
I don't feel like our time isquality.
We've been really busy and andso that's making me feel extra
uneasy Can we plan a date nightjust for us?
Reassurance doesn't mean thatyou're asking for permission to
feel safe.
It means that you're creating aspace with where both you and
(15:31):
your partner can show up withlove and understanding, and I
mean this for each and everyrelationship that you have.
Okay, this is whether you'reconsensually non monogamous, a
swinger, you're polyamorous, youknow, whatever the relationship
structure is where you'refeeling those insecurities,
(15:52):
where you're feeling thatjealousy needs, it's showing you
, it's a signpost that somethingis going on in that
relationship that needs to beaddressed, or in yourself and
your relationship with yourselfto be addressed, or in yourself
and your relationship withyourself.
So the second, the second bigone that I see, which I just hit
on a little bit is that feelingof disconnection.
(16:13):
When we're out of sync with ourpartners, whether that's
emotionally, physically,logistically you know you can't
get your Google calendars toline up it's really easy for our
nervous system to interpretthat as a potential threat, like
if your partner has been busywith work, a new hobby,
friendships, other relationshipsand you start feeling like
you're not as connected as youused to be.
(16:35):
Jealousy can pop up here, andnot because of anything specific
that they've done, but becauseyour bond feels stretched out.
You're trying to feed it, butyou don't really have any food.
This can happen, you know, in,let's say, like polyamorous
dynamics, when schedules arepacked and you haven't had
enough one on one time with apartner.
(16:57):
It's not just about beingjealous of someone else.
It can be that you're missingthat closeness, that sense of
closeness, or that your lovetank isn't full right.
When my love tank is empty,insecurity and jealousy pop up
much faster, much easier.
And not just my love tank, likenot just our connection, but
(17:19):
also just personally, like if Ihaven't gotten enough sleep, if
I am hungry, if I'm hangry, ifI'm hormonal, like all of these
things can happen, that it justfeels like this much bigger,
bigger thing that's happening.
So you got to look at all ofthose.
So the first thing you want todo is like figure out, where are
(17:41):
you feeling this disconnection?
Is it emotional, is it physical, is it something else?
And then you want to takeaction and start working towards
rebuilding that bond.
And it might look like planningintentional quality time, maybe
sharing something vulnerable tocreate intimacy, or maybe just
sitting down and talking abouthow you've been feeling and
(18:03):
remember.
Disconnection happens in everysingle relationship.
Relationships ebb and flow,they go through seasons and it's
the repair process that mattersthe most.
One of my clients shared areally good example.
They noticed jealousy flaringup whenever their partner spent
time on a new hobby that theyshared with another partner and
this was a long-term partner.
(18:24):
They hadn't been feelingjealous over this other partner.
So when we unpacked it, theyrealized that it wasn't about
the hobby or the partner.
They were just missing theirusual Friday night movie, like
Friday night movie dates thatthey had had in the past, and so
when they started schedulingthose dates again, the jealousy
melted away because their bondfelt connected again.
(18:46):
It felt solid again.
Okay, the third common one thatI see and this is the big one
and it's deeply personal.
Sometimes, jealousy doesn'thave much to do with your
partner or their actions at all.
Sometimes it's all about you.
It's your fears, yourinsecurities and your doubts
about whether you're enough,whether you're lovableurities,
and your doubts about whetheryou're enough, whether you're
(19:07):
lovable, whether you're valuable, whether you're worthy of this
relationship.
I mean, think about it.
Have you ever felt jealousbecause you compared yourself to
someone else?
That's always been a big onefor me.
That's always been a big onefor me.
That's always been a big onefor me.
That's always been a big onefor me.
(19:28):
You know, maybe you thoughtlike they're funnier than me, or
they're more adventurous, orthey're more attractive or just
more Right this little voice inyour head whispering what if I
can't measure up?
This isn't a failing on yourpart as a partner.
This is about the stories thatwe tell ourselves about our
(19:49):
worth, and the good news is youdon't have to believe those
stories and this is somethingthat you can work on.
That will change everything inyour relationships, I promise so
, the first thing you want to do.
I'm just going to give you acouple of things, a couple of
little things, to address thatStart by challenging that
narrative.
Ask yourself is it true thatI'm not enough, or is this my
(20:10):
fear talking?
A lot of times, ourinsecurities are a lot louder
than reality, and if yourinsecurities are so loud that
they're like, yeah, nope, that'strue, I am definitely not
enough, I'm a big piece of shit.
Please start working withsomeone, start doing some
(20:32):
self-love, healing work, becauseI promise you that you are
valuable, you are worthy, Ipromise.
It's just a matter of likegetting yourself to believe it.
Second thing is reframe yourperspective.
Instead of seeing other peopleas competition, see them as
complementary.
Right, and remember that yourpartner's love or attraction to
(20:53):
someone else doesn't take awayfrom their love or attraction to
you, and know that your you areunique and your relationship is
unique and other peopleliterally can't replace that,
that uniqueness.
I know I've heard plenty of youand I've said it myself plenty
of you say but I can be replaced, like I've been divorced.
(21:16):
I know I can be replaced as aspouse, but I can't be replaced
as Elysia, right, you can't bereplaced as you, as the partner
that you are, you areirreplaceable.
So look at the things that arecomplementary and then the third
thing is focus on yourstrengths.
What makes you unique, whatmakes you irreplaceable in your
(21:38):
partner's life.
Write them down if you need to.
It's a really, really goodreminder when the doubt creeps
in.
And one of the most, one of themost beautiful things about
non-monogamy is that itchallenges us to trust in our
inherent value.
You don't have to be everythingto your partner.
You just need to be yourself.
That's enough.
(21:58):
I promise it really is.
So let me ask you when was thelast time jealousy showed up for
you, and which of thesemessages do you think it was
trying to send you?
Did you need reassurance?
Were you feeling disconnected,or was it a moment to reflect on
your own worth?
Once you decode jealousy'smessage, you can start
(22:20):
addressing the real need behindit, and that's where change
happens.
That's where things transform.
That's where alchemy happens.
Here's the big takeaway on thatJealousy isn't an enemy.
It's not here to tear you down.
It's not here to wreck yourrelationships.
It's here to guide you towardswhat you need, whether that's
connection, communication,self-love.
And when you stop seeingjealousy as something to fight,
(22:44):
to hide, to put away in a box,and you start seeing it as
something to learn from,something to pay attention to,
you're going to unlock a newlevel of growth, and I don't
know about you, but that's oneof the biggest parts of this for
me is personal growth becominga better me, and in non-monogamy
.
That growth isn't just helpful,it's like essential, like you
(23:07):
need it.
Okay, now that we understandthat jealousy is a signal, not
an enemy, the question becomeshow do we work with it?
How do we turn thatgut-wrenching, chest-tightening
feeling into something thatactually helps us?
The key is curiosity.
Instead of reacting to jealousyor trying to bury it, you got
to pause and get curious aboutwhat it's really telling you.
(23:30):
So here's a three-step process.
I know I've given you lots ofthings today.
Here's a three-step process toturn jealousy into a powerful
tool for growth.
And it's simple, but it'stransformative when you put it
into practice.
One pause, remind yourself.
This feeling isn't permanent.
(23:51):
It's here to tell me something.
By pausing, you give yourselfthe space to process what's
happening before you respond.
Two ask questions.
Once you've paused and groundedyourself, it's time to get
curious.
Jealousy isn't always aboutwhat's happening in the moment.
(24:13):
It's often tied to deeper fears, deeper stories that we're
telling ourselves.
So what triggered the feeling?
What story am I telling myselfright now, and is this story
true?
And then three look for theneed.
This is the most transformativestep.
It's the biggest change.
This is figuring out whatjealousy is really pointing to,
(24:35):
because jealousy is never justabout the surface level feeling.
It's always about somethingdeeper, an unmet need underneath
.
Okay, so ask yourself what do Ineed to feel more secure in this
moment?
What action or reassurancewould help soothe this feeling?
What do I need?
What do I need to do?
(24:56):
Okay, and maybe you need tocheck in with your partner to
reconnect.
Maybe you need clarity abouttheir new connection or a
reminder of your unique bond.
Maybe it's an internal need andyou need to practice more
self-compassion or focus more onyour own strengths or just go
beat off a lot, I don't know.
You tell me Okay.
(25:18):
Now let's be real about thehardest part of jealousy.
It isn't feeling it.
Although that part sucks, it'ssharing it with your partner.
The thought of saying I feeljealous feels so freaking
vulnerable.
Maybe you're worried they'llmisunderstand, they'll get
(25:44):
defensive, they'll judge you,they'll get angry.
But communicating jealousydoesn't have to lead to conflict
.
As a matter of fact, itshouldn't.
As a matter of fact, if youhandle it right, if you are
being thoughtful andcompassionate and have created a
relationship with space, forthat it can bring you a lot
closer.
It's really about how youapproach the conversation, so
here's how you do it.
(26:05):
You got to own your feelings.
First things first.
Jealousy is your emotionalexperience.
It's not something your partneris doing to you.
Okay, maybe something yourpartner did triggered it, but
this feeling, this likedisgusting feeling where the
floor is dropping out and youwant to puke and like you can't
think about anything else that'syour emotional experience.
(26:28):
They are not creating it.
So when you frame it that way,it really shifts the tone of the
conversation.
Right, instead of saying likeyou're making me jealous, which
sounds accusatory, it soundslike you're blaming them.
Try something like I've beenfeeling really uneasy and I want
to share why.
Can you feel the difference?
(26:51):
The first one puts your partneron the defensive.
If somebody looked at me andwas like what the fuck You're
making me jealous, I would belike, well, kick rocks because I
didn't do shit.
Okay, there's probably a lotmore context to that, but that's
my first thought.
Okay, and you know the secondoption like I'm feeling uneasy,
(27:15):
I want to share with you why.
And you know the second optionlike I'm feeling uneasy, I want
to share with you.
Why can we talk about this?
That opens the door tocollaboration, and owning your
feelings doesn't mean it doesn'tmean downplaying them.
It means taking responsibilityfor how you're processing the
situation and framing it as aconversation and not a
confrontation.
And then, once you've opened upthis conversation, the next step
(27:37):
is to focus on the need behindyour jealousy.
So don't forget that jealousyis pointing to something deeper.
Maybe it's a need forreassurance, more quality time,
clarity about boundaries oragreements.
So when you express the need,it's important to frame it in a
way that doesn't feel like ademand.
Instead of saying you neverspent enough time with me, try,
(28:02):
I'm craving some one-on-one timewith you so that we can
reconnect.
By focusing on what you needrather than what your partner's
doing wrong, you make it easierfor them to respond with empathy
and support and care.
They're not defensive.
They can pay attention towhat's happening for you.
And then you want to.
(28:25):
As a final step, you want toinvite your partner into the
process.
Okay, jealousy doesn't have tobe something that you solve
alone.
It's something that you canactually work through together.
One of the main pillars of myBeyond Monogamy framework is
collaboration, right, clarity,communication, connection,
collaboration and confidence.
Those are the things we need.
And collaboration is afoundational concept because in
(28:50):
non-monogamy, we're not justnavigating one relationship.
We're often balancing multipleconnections, multiple dynamics,
multiple needs, all sorts ofdifferent agreements on top of
work and family and kids andpets and hobbies right Like it's
a lot.
And collaboration is whatallows us to approach challenges
like jealousy with a sense ofteamwork rather than creating a
(29:14):
bunch of tension.
So when jealousy comes up,inviting your partner into the
process is one of the mostpowerful things that you can do,
and this means shifting thefocus from how do I fix this to
how can we work through thistogether.
It's not just about one personfeeling responsible for solving
everything.
(29:35):
It's about creating a solutionthat works for both of you, or
all of you.
You know collaboration mightlook like asking open-ended
questions that invite aconversation, right Like how can
we stay connected while we'renavigating this?
What can we do to make sureboth of us feel supported?
What does success look like forus in this dynamic?
(29:58):
And when you're asking thesekind of questions, you're
showing your partner that theirfeelings and input matter as
well, and it shows that you'reinvested in finding a solution
that works for everyone in therelationship, and it isn't just
an individual, the relationshipand it isn't just an individual
solving an individual problem.
(30:26):
The magic of collaboration isthat it turns moments of
conflict or tension intoopportunities for connection.
When you're tackling jealousyas a team, it strengthens your
bond.
It helps you feel more securein the relationship, and one of
the things I'm always remindingmy clients is that collaboration
isn't this one time thing.
It's an ongoing practice.
It's you're building a cultureor a container in your
(30:48):
relationship where teamwork isthe default response to
challenges.
Community is the defaultresponse to challenges, because
human beings are communitycreatures.
We need people.
It's how we're built, it's howwe're wired, it's how we survive
, it's how we feel safe.
So the next time you're feelingjealousy, instead of thinking
(31:11):
what's wrong with me, why arethey making me feel this way,
ask how can we navigate thistogether, and don't push your
needs aside so that your partnercan have what they want and you
just suffer in silence.
That is not what I'm saying.
That's that weird monogamouscompromise that always leaves
(31:32):
somebody losing.
Okay, how can we navigate thistogether?
And instead of assuming thatyour partner's not going to
understand, invite them into aconversation.
Be curious, build trust.
When collaboration is a pillarof your relationship, even the
toughest moments can bring youcloser instead of pushing you
apart.
So remember sharing about yourjealousy, sharing your emotions,
(31:56):
is really vulnerable, butvulnerability is where real
connection happens.
It's where intimacy is created.
And when you approach theseconversations with openness and
curiosity and a willingness towork together, you're going to
build something a lot strongerthan this like moment or day, or
even week.
But it's passing, this feelingof jealousy, and the best part
(32:19):
is that every time you navigatethese conversations successfully
, you strengthen your emotionalresilience, you strengthen the
bond that you have with yourpartner, and it's a skill that
gets easier and easier withpractice.
Every time you do it, it's oneof the most powerful tools that
you can develop in yournon-monogamous relationships.
Okay, so jealousy is not hereto hurt you.
(32:43):
It's here to help you.
I promise it is, and when youlearn to work with it, you get
so much deeper self-awareness,stronger relationships, deep
peace, god.
I remember there was a whilethere, like a couple of years,
where all I wanted was to feelpeace and just not have to deal
with feeling jealous anymore.
(33:03):
And on the other side of that,what a relief you know, just
imagine feeling secure even inmoments of uncertainty, knowing
that you have the tools tohandle whatever is coming your
way.
And that's why I created BeyondJealousy.
That's a program I designed tohelp you find that peace, find
(33:31):
that security, navigate all ofthe BS that keeps coming up
right.
This is where you learn todecode jealousy's messages, to
communicate without conflict, toturn those really challenging
moments into opportunities toconnect.
Plus, you get supported thewhole time with a community of
people who actually truly get it.
They're not your monogamousfriends who are like I don't
understand what you're doing.
(33:51):
If this hurts, why don't youstop doing it?
This hurts, why don't you stopdoing it?
So frustrating, right?
So if you're ready to stopfeeling stuck, if you want to
start shifting that jealousyinto a tool and keep growing,
you can click on the show notesor go to aliciapaincom.
You can join us, get on thewait list.
(34:12):
We're going to be starting nextmonth.
Thank you so much for listeningand for choosing to show up for
yourself today, and if youenjoyed this episode, please
leave a review.
Hit the little stars, thelittle thumbs up, whatever is
showing up on the platform thatyou are getting this in, and
(34:34):
make it so that other people canfind us.
See ya.
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