January 2, 2025 • 14 mins
Are you tired of jealousy hijacking your relationships? Imagine stepping into 2025 with the power to transform those uncomfortable feelings into opportunities for growth and deeper connection. In this episode, I'm sharing three powerful tools to help you navigate jealousy in non-monogamous relationships with confidence and grace.
What You'll Discover:
- How to identify jealousy in your body before it spirals in your mind
- The art of uncovering hidden triggers that fuel jealous thoughts
- A game-changing approach to reframing jealousy as a helpful signal
Key Insights:
- Why suppressing jealousy only makes it stronger
- The surprising connection between curiosity and relationship growth
- Real-life examples of transforming jealousy into deeper intimacy
Whether you're new to non-monogamy or an old pro, this episode offers practical strategies to help you create lighter, more loving relationships. Learn how to turn jealousy from your enemy into your ally on the path to personal growth.
As a relationship coach with over a decade of experience in non-monogamy, I bring both personal insights and professional expertise to help you navigate the complexities of open relationships. My approach combines practical tools with deep emotional work to foster genuine connection and personal growth.
Ready to make 2025 the year you finally break free from jealousy's grip? Tune in now and take the first step towards more fulfilling, confident non-monogamous relationships.
Get on the waitlist for Beyond Jealousy today. www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter
❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous
👀 Find Us Online
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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ellecia (00:00):
Have you ever felt jealousy creep in at the most
inconvenient moment?
You're scrolling your phone andthere's a picture you weren't
expecting to see, or yourpartner mentions a name that
you've never heard before, andsuddenly your mind is racing.
Let's be honest jealousy canhit you like a ton of bricks,
but here's the thing it doesn'thave to stay that way.
What if 2025 could be the yearthat you let go of jealousy for
(00:22):
good, not by ignoring it orpretending that it doesn't exist
, but by transforming it intosomething that works for you
instead of against you?
Stick with me, because that'sexactly what we're talking about
today.
I'm Ellecia, yournon-monogamous relationship
coach.
Welcome back to Nope, We're NotMonogamous where we explore love
and connection and growth inthis beautifully complex world
(00:43):
of non-monogamy.
We explore love and connectionand growth in this beautifully
complex world of non-monogamy,and today we're tackling a
really big one jealousy.
Now, let's be real.
Jealousy gets a really bad rap.
It's often seen as this, likeugly, shameful thing, and that
we're supposed to suppress it.
We're supposed to pretend itdoesn't exist or just not
experience it at all.
Right, but here's the good newsit doesn't have to be that way.
(01:06):
In fact, jealousy can actuallybecome a tool for growth and
deeper connection when we knowhow to work with it.
So by the end of this episode,you'll have three powerful tools
to help you name, understandand reframe jealousy in a way
that leaves you feeling lighterand freer and much more
confident in your relationships.
So grab a cup of coffee andsettle in and let's get started.
(01:30):
So here's the thing aboutjealousy.
It's sneaky.
Sometimes it's loud and obvious, like a knot in your stomach or
a sudden argument with yourpartner, but other times it's
very, very subtle and it showsup as this quiet sense of unease
or a passing comment thatleaves you feeling off or wrong.
Have you ever had one of thosemoments?
(01:54):
Maybe you felt jealousy, butyou didn't know how to name it,
or, worse, you felt guilty.
You felt guilty for evenfeeling jealous in the first
place.
You felt guilty for evenfeeling jealous in the first
place.
You're not alone.
I've been there and so many ofmy clients have, so many of our
listeners have.
But the truth is that ignoringjealousy doesn't make it go away
(02:17):
.
It just makes it a lot harderto deal with and it actually
sticks around a lot longer.
So that's why we're not goingto just talk about why jealousy
happens.
We're going to explore why.
Nope, we're going to explorehow to move through it and how
to grow from it.
Right, I have loads and loadsof experience with jealousy.
(02:37):
I've been non-monogamous forover 10 years and then, prior to
that, an entire lifetime ofbeing someone who identified as
very jealous and very possessive.
So, trust me, I got you yourfirst tool.
Okay, name the feeling,acknowledge it.
(02:58):
When jealousy hits, our naturalinstinct is to react.
Right, we go straight intothese spiraling thoughts, these
stories.
What are they doing?
Am I not enough?
What if I lose them?
What if they're better than me?
But jealousy actually lives inyour body.
You have a physical reaction inyour body before it ever
(03:22):
becomes a story in your mind,before it becomes all those
thoughts, right?
So the next time that you'refeeling a spike of jealousy,
pause, take a couple of deepbreaths and ask yourself what's
happening in my body right now.
What am I feeling physically inmy body right now?
Maybe your chest feels tight,maybe your stomach's churning.
(03:42):
Maybe your hands are shaking.
Maybe your stomach's churning,maybe your hands are shaking.
For me, my might get a littletunnel vision.
The edges of my vision actuallygo darker.
So name the sensations, andthis will pull you out of your
head and back into the presentmoment.
It's a really small shift, butit's actually really powerful,
and so, by naming the feeling,you take the first step towards
(04:04):
breaking the cycle of overwhelm.
You take the first step towardsbreaking this momentum that
builds up that then leads tocatastrophe down the road.
If you're someone whoexperiences jealousy, you know
what I'm talking about.
You look back after you'refeeling better, you've gotten
the reassurance, you had theconversations, you've slept,
(04:25):
you've eaten, you maybe had sexright, you've taken care of all
the needs that you have.
And you look back and you'relike gosh, wow, I really
overreacted there.
Or, man, I sure wish I hadn'tjust like flipped out and gone
into all of that.
We didn't need all of that toget to this connection that we
finally found on the other sideof it, right?
(04:47):
So this is the first step Takea deep breath and acknowledge
what you're feeling, becomeaware of it, give it a name,
okay.
So your second tool once you'regrounded, dig a little bit
deeper and find the trigger.
Ask yourself what just happenedthat made me feel that way,
(05:10):
what just happened thatactivated this feeling of
jealousy?
And also what happened one stepbefore that.
What happened right before that?
Sometimes the trigger is really, really clear, like your
partner mentioned someone new,or you see something unexpected
on social media.
But other times it might take abit of reflection and digging.
(05:31):
Maybe it's not about the personor the situation at all.
Maybe the real trigger is fear,like fear of being left out,
fear of losing your connection,fear of not being enough Right.
So so, like literally journalit out.
Okay, here's, here's what Iwant you to ask, here's what I
want you to journal out whenjealousy shows up, what is the
(05:53):
story that I'm telling myself?
And then is that story true?
Often, just getting thosethoughts out of your head and
onto paper will help you see thesituation more clearly.
When jealousy shows up, whatstory am I telling myself?
And is that story true?
I don't know about you, but Iwill go into all sorts of
(06:15):
details about how, um, thatperson that I've never slept
with is obviously a better loverthan me, right?
I don't know that that's true.
Uh, or you know the, the, the,the ways that my brain will
(06:37):
contort and spin and try to likeprotect the story that it's
created in order to protect me.
Right, it's trying to do a jobof protecting us, but it starts
to create these stories tojustify the actions that it
wants you to take.
And you got to ask yourself isthat real?
(07:00):
Is that person really prettierthan me?
Does my partner really likethem more than me?
That's all shit, I'm tellingmyself.
I have no way of knowing that,unless my partner told me that,
and then that's a whole otherrelationship problem.
If my partner is telling me Ilike them more than you, well
then my jealousy is pretty validand we should probably be
talking about you know somethingother than like reassurance.
(07:22):
Ok, but the basic, the basictool here holds true, right?
Because if the answer is no,that's not true, it's something
I just created or guessed or I'massuming then you know what
your next step is, right.
So tool number three this iswhere the real magic's at
(07:42):
Reframe the message.
Jealousy isn't just an annoyingemotion, it's a signal, it's a
signpost, it's your brain's wayof saying hey, look at me,
something needs attention,something needs your attention,
don't ignore it.
And you know what happens whenyou ignore it it gets bigger and
(08:05):
louder and more uncomfortableand worse, right.
So what would happen if,instead of fighting your
jealousy, you asked it hey, whatare you trying to tell me?
Maybe it's saying I needreassurance.
Or maybe it's saying I feeldisconnected and I need quality
time with my partner.
Or maybe it's saying, hey, yourpartner's being a real asshole
(08:25):
right now, you need to dosomething.
Or maybe it's saying, hey, yourpartner's being a real asshole
right now, you need to dosomething.
Okay, so if you reframejealousy as a guide, as a tool
your brain has rather than anenemy, it changes everything.
It helps you approach yourrelationships with curiosity
instead of fear, and thatcuriosity, that's where real
(08:47):
connection and growth start tohappen.
Getting curious in yourrelationships leads to
vulnerability, it leads tointimacy, it leads to deeper
connection.
I'll never forget the first timeI really put this into practice
.
My partner had mentioned a newconnection and even though I
thought I was fine it shouldhave been fine Jealousy hit me
like a truck.
(09:07):
My first instinct was to react,jump into action, to ask a
million questions and to spiralinto self-doubt.
But instead I paused, took afew deep breaths and I named the
feeling.
It was tightness in my chest, apit in my stomach.
(09:28):
I got really hot.
I found the trigger.
It wasn't the new connectionitself, but a fear that I wasn't
bringing enough to the table.
And when I reframed the messageI realized a couple of things.
So this fear that I wasn'tbringing enough to the table was
like have I been showing up asmy best self?
Am I giving my partner a reasonto like be excited about me, or
(09:53):
am I growing stagnant?
Am I growing complacent?
And, of course, if there'ssomeone new in the picture, that
person, showing up for a newrelationship, is putting their
best foot forward.
Most of us do that right.
So it was a pretty valid fearof like I know I haven't been
showing up as my best self.
And here is someone who is funand exciting and engaged and
(10:17):
curious about my partner, whichmakes my partner feel really
excited and you know, somebody'sinto them.
Have I wins the last time I wascurious about my partner, right
.
So it told me that I needed tostep up, not just for my partner
but for myself, because when Iam showing up as my best self,
when I'm putting my best footforward, I feel better, I feel
(10:41):
sexier, I feel funner, I feelhappier right.
And also then my partner isexcited about me.
But the other thing that Ineeded was a little bit of
reassurance that, like, lifecould happen and things can get
better, muddy right, like, likethings outside of our
relationship were happening inmy life that we're making it
(11:06):
hard to to be an awesome partner, because I was dealing with all
these other things, and so Ialso needed a little bit of
reassurance of like, hey, that'sokay.
I know that there are ebbs andflows in relationships in life
and, like, I still love you, Istill care about you, I love you
in this, in this season, inthis moment of our life, and
like I still love you, I stillcare about you, I love you in
this, in this season, in thismoment of our life, and I love
(11:30):
it when you show up in a waythat is exciting and when you're
curious about me, and whenyou're feeling sexy and what you
know, like all of those things.
So it gave me a lot ofinformation.
So that moment of reflectiondidn't just save me from, like,
having an argument.
It genuinely deepened ourconnection and that's why I'm
passionate about sharing thesekinds of tools with you, with my
(11:51):
clients, with my listeners.
Like, you deserve to haveexciting, connected, loving,
sexy relationships Monogamous,non-monogamous, doesn't matter,
but you deserve to have goodrelationships, and these are the
things that we put into placeto have those.
So how about you?
(12:11):
When was the last time jealousyshowed up for you and what do
you think it was trying to tellyou?
If you're comfortable, dm me,let me know, or leave a comment.
Ah, leave a comment.
That would be amazing.
There's even a little text usthing in the show notes.
(12:31):
Send a text, let us know.
I would love to hear your storybecause, trust me, you're not
alone in this, and it it's sohelpful to hear other people's
stories, to see what ishappening for other people.
So you can shoot me a message,you can leave a comment, you can
join my Facebook group Nope,we're not monogamous and
interact with other people whoare going through the same
things that you are, or you canget coaching with me and join a
(12:52):
community that is really doingthe same work.
So let's bring it back to thebig question what would it feel
like to start 2025 free from theweight of jealousy?
Feel like to start 2025 freefrom the weight of jealousy.
Imagine stepping into the newyear with clarity, with
confidence, with the tools tohandle whatever comes your way.
That's what we're doing inBeyond Jealousy.
(13:15):
That's a program I have that'sdesigned to help you get clarity
, confidence tools, become lessjealous, be more, have juicier,
non-monogamous relationshipsright.
So, if you're ready to make2025 the year of emotional
transformation, you can clickthe link in the show notes.
You can join us.
You deserve relationships thatfeel light and loving and free,
(13:37):
and I want to help you createthem.
So thanks for listening today.
Remember that jealousy doesn'thave to define your story.
It doesn't have to define yourrelationships.
You have the power to rewriteit, and I'll see you next time.
Bye.
Have you ever felt jealousy creep in at the most
inconvenient moment?
You're scrolling your phone andthere's a picture you weren't
expecting to see, or yourpartner mentions a name that
you've never heard before, andsuddenly your mind is racing.
Let's be honest jealousy canhit you like a ton of bricks,
but here's the thing it doesn'thave to stay that way.
What if 2025 could be the yearthat you let go of jealousy for
(00:22):
good, not by ignoring it orpretending that it doesn't exist
, but by transforming it intosomething that works for you
instead of against you?
Stick with me, because that'sexactly what we're talking about
today.
I'm Ellecia, yournon-monogamous relationship
coach.
Welcome back to Nope, We're NotMonogamous where we explore love
and connection and growth inthis beautifully complex world
(00:43):
of non-monogamy.
We explore love and connectionand growth in this beautifully
complex world of non-monogamy,and today we're tackling a
really big one jealousy.
Now, let's be real.
Jealousy gets a really bad rap.
It's often seen as this, likeugly, shameful thing, and that
we're supposed to suppress it.
We're supposed to pretend itdoesn't exist or just not
experience it at all.
Right, but here's the good newsit doesn't have to be that way.
(01:06):
In fact, jealousy can actuallybecome a tool for growth and
deeper connection when we knowhow to work with it.
So by the end of this episode,you'll have three powerful tools
to help you name, understandand reframe jealousy in a way
that leaves you feeling lighterand freer and much more
confident in your relationships.
So grab a cup of coffee andsettle in and let's get started.
(01:30):
So here's the thing aboutjealousy.
It's sneaky.
Sometimes it's loud and obvious, like a knot in your stomach or
a sudden argument with yourpartner, but other times it's
very, very subtle and it showsup as this quiet sense of unease
or a passing comment thatleaves you feeling off or wrong.
Have you ever had one of thosemoments?
(01:54):
Maybe you felt jealousy, butyou didn't know how to name it,
or, worse, you felt guilty.
You felt guilty for evenfeeling jealous in the first
place.
You felt guilty for evenfeeling jealous in the first
place.
You're not alone.
I've been there and so many ofmy clients have, so many of our
listeners have.
But the truth is that ignoringjealousy doesn't make it go away
(02:17):
.
It just makes it a lot harderto deal with and it actually
sticks around a lot longer.
So that's why we're not goingto just talk about why jealousy
happens.
We're going to explore why.
Nope, we're going to explorehow to move through it and how
to grow from it.
Right, I have loads and loadsof experience with jealousy.
(02:37):
I've been non-monogamous forover 10 years and then, prior to
that, an entire lifetime ofbeing someone who identified as
very jealous and very possessive.
So, trust me, I got you yourfirst tool.
Okay, name the feeling,acknowledge it.
(02:58):
When jealousy hits, our naturalinstinct is to react.
Right, we go straight intothese spiraling thoughts, these
stories.
What are they doing?
Am I not enough?
What if I lose them?
What if they're better than me?
But jealousy actually lives inyour body.
You have a physical reaction inyour body before it ever
(03:22):
becomes a story in your mind,before it becomes all those
thoughts, right?
So the next time that you'refeeling a spike of jealousy,
pause, take a couple of deepbreaths and ask yourself what's
happening in my body right now.
What am I feeling physically inmy body right now?
Maybe your chest feels tight,maybe your stomach's churning.
(03:42):
Maybe your hands are shaking.
Maybe your stomach's churning,maybe your hands are shaking.
For me, my might get a littletunnel vision.
The edges of my vision actuallygo darker.
So name the sensations, andthis will pull you out of your
head and back into the presentmoment.
It's a really small shift, butit's actually really powerful,
and so, by naming the feeling,you take the first step towards
(04:04):
breaking the cycle of overwhelm.
You take the first step towardsbreaking this momentum that
builds up that then leads tocatastrophe down the road.
If you're someone whoexperiences jealousy, you know
what I'm talking about.
You look back after you'refeeling better, you've gotten
the reassurance, you had theconversations, you've slept,
(04:25):
you've eaten, you maybe had sexright, you've taken care of all
the needs that you have.
And you look back and you'relike gosh, wow, I really
overreacted there.
Or, man, I sure wish I hadn'tjust like flipped out and gone
into all of that.
We didn't need all of that toget to this connection that we
finally found on the other sideof it, right?
(04:47):
So this is the first step Takea deep breath and acknowledge
what you're feeling, becomeaware of it, give it a name,
okay.
So your second tool once you'regrounded, dig a little bit
deeper and find the trigger.
Ask yourself what just happenedthat made me feel that way,
(05:10):
what just happened thatactivated this feeling of
jealousy?
And also what happened one stepbefore that.
What happened right before that?
Sometimes the trigger is really, really clear, like your
partner mentioned someone new,or you see something unexpected
on social media.
But other times it might take abit of reflection and digging.
(05:31):
Maybe it's not about the personor the situation at all.
Maybe the real trigger is fear,like fear of being left out,
fear of losing your connection,fear of not being enough Right.
So so, like literally journalit out.
Okay, here's, here's what Iwant you to ask, here's what I
want you to journal out whenjealousy shows up, what is the
(05:53):
story that I'm telling myself?
And then is that story true?
Often, just getting thosethoughts out of your head and
onto paper will help you see thesituation more clearly.
When jealousy shows up, whatstory am I telling myself?
And is that story true?
I don't know about you, but Iwill go into all sorts of
(06:15):
details about how, um, thatperson that I've never slept
with is obviously a better loverthan me, right?
I don't know that that's true.
Uh, or you know the, the, the,the ways that my brain will
(06:37):
contort and spin and try to likeprotect the story that it's
created in order to protect me.
Right, it's trying to do a jobof protecting us, but it starts
to create these stories tojustify the actions that it
wants you to take.
And you got to ask yourself isthat real?
(07:00):
Is that person really prettierthan me?
Does my partner really likethem more than me?
That's all shit, I'm tellingmyself.
I have no way of knowing that,unless my partner told me that,
and then that's a whole otherrelationship problem.
If my partner is telling me Ilike them more than you, well
then my jealousy is pretty validand we should probably be
talking about you know somethingother than like reassurance.
(07:22):
Ok, but the basic, the basictool here holds true, right?
Because if the answer is no,that's not true, it's something
I just created or guessed or I'massuming then you know what
your next step is, right.
So tool number three this iswhere the real magic's at
(07:42):
Reframe the message.
Jealousy isn't just an annoyingemotion, it's a signal, it's a
signpost, it's your brain's wayof saying hey, look at me,
something needs attention,something needs your attention,
don't ignore it.
And you know what happens whenyou ignore it it gets bigger and
(08:05):
louder and more uncomfortableand worse, right.
So what would happen if,instead of fighting your
jealousy, you asked it hey, whatare you trying to tell me?
Maybe it's saying I needreassurance.
Or maybe it's saying I feeldisconnected and I need quality
time with my partner.
Or maybe it's saying, hey, yourpartner's being a real asshole
(08:25):
right now, you need to dosomething.
Or maybe it's saying, hey, yourpartner's being a real asshole
right now, you need to dosomething.
Okay, so if you reframejealousy as a guide, as a tool
your brain has rather than anenemy, it changes everything.
It helps you approach yourrelationships with curiosity
instead of fear, and thatcuriosity, that's where real
(08:47):
connection and growth start tohappen.
Getting curious in yourrelationships leads to
vulnerability, it leads tointimacy, it leads to deeper
connection.
I'll never forget the first timeI really put this into practice
.
My partner had mentioned a newconnection and even though I
thought I was fine it shouldhave been fine Jealousy hit me
like a truck.
(09:07):
My first instinct was to react,jump into action, to ask a
million questions and to spiralinto self-doubt.
But instead I paused, took afew deep breaths and I named the
feeling.
It was tightness in my chest, apit in my stomach.
(09:28):
I got really hot.
I found the trigger.
It wasn't the new connectionitself, but a fear that I wasn't
bringing enough to the table.
And when I reframed the messageI realized a couple of things.
So this fear that I wasn'tbringing enough to the table was
like have I been showing up asmy best self?
Am I giving my partner a reasonto like be excited about me, or
(09:53):
am I growing stagnant?
Am I growing complacent?
And, of course, if there'ssomeone new in the picture, that
person, showing up for a newrelationship, is putting their
best foot forward.
Most of us do that right.
So it was a pretty valid fearof like I know I haven't been
showing up as my best self.
And here is someone who is funand exciting and engaged and
(10:17):
curious about my partner, whichmakes my partner feel really
excited and you know, somebody'sinto them.
Have I wins the last time I wascurious about my partner, right
.
So it told me that I needed tostep up, not just for my partner
but for myself, because when Iam showing up as my best self,
when I'm putting my best footforward, I feel better, I feel
(10:41):
sexier, I feel funner, I feelhappier right.
And also then my partner isexcited about me.
But the other thing that Ineeded was a little bit of
reassurance that, like, lifecould happen and things can get
better, muddy right, like, likethings outside of our
relationship were happening inmy life that we're making it
(11:06):
hard to to be an awesome partner, because I was dealing with all
these other things, and so Ialso needed a little bit of
reassurance of like, hey, that'sokay.
I know that there are ebbs andflows in relationships in life
and, like, I still love you, Istill care about you, I love you
in this, in this season, inthis moment of our life, and
like I still love you, I stillcare about you, I love you in
this, in this season, in thismoment of our life, and I love
(11:30):
it when you show up in a waythat is exciting and when you're
curious about me, and whenyou're feeling sexy and what you
know, like all of those things.
So it gave me a lot ofinformation.
So that moment of reflectiondidn't just save me from, like,
having an argument.
It genuinely deepened ourconnection and that's why I'm
passionate about sharing thesekinds of tools with you, with my
(11:51):
clients, with my listeners.
Like, you deserve to haveexciting, connected, loving,
sexy relationships Monogamous,non-monogamous, doesn't matter,
but you deserve to have goodrelationships, and these are the
things that we put into placeto have those.
So how about you?
(12:11):
When was the last time jealousyshowed up for you and what do
you think it was trying to tellyou?
If you're comfortable, dm me,let me know, or leave a comment.
Ah, leave a comment.
That would be amazing.
There's even a little text usthing in the show notes.
(12:31):
Send a text, let us know.
I would love to hear your storybecause, trust me, you're not
alone in this, and it it's sohelpful to hear other people's
stories, to see what ishappening for other people.
So you can shoot me a message,you can leave a comment, you can
join my Facebook group Nope,we're not monogamous and
interact with other people whoare going through the same
things that you are, or you canget coaching with me and join a
(12:52):
community that is really doingthe same work.
So let's bring it back to thebig question what would it feel
like to start 2025 free from theweight of jealousy?
Feel like to start 2025 freefrom the weight of jealousy.
Imagine stepping into the newyear with clarity, with
confidence, with the tools tohandle whatever comes your way.
That's what we're doing inBeyond Jealousy.
(13:15):
That's a program I have that'sdesigned to help you get clarity
, confidence tools, become lessjealous, be more, have juicier,
non-monogamous relationshipsright.
So, if you're ready to make2025 the year of emotional
transformation, you can clickthe link in the show notes.
You can join us.
You deserve relationships thatfeel light and loving and free,
(13:37):
and I want to help you createthem.
So thanks for listening today.
Remember that jealousy doesn'thave to define your story.
It doesn't have to define yourrelationships.
You have the power to rewriteit, and I'll see you next time.
Bye.
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