Why DIY Jealousy Solutions Fall Short in Non Monogamy

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Have you ever found yourself caught in the grip of jealousy, promising that next time will be different, only to find those familiar feelings resurface? If you've been trying to tackle jealousy on your own without success, you're not alone. In this episode, I'm pulling back the curtain on why DIY approaches to managing jealousy often fall short, and why deeper work is crucial for lasting change.

I'll explore the hidden complexities of jealousy, moving beyond surface-level solutions to uncover the root causes that keep us stuck. I'll share insights on why willpower alone isn't enough and how attempting to suppress or avoid jealousy can actually intensify its grip on our relationships and self-esteem.

Key Insights:

• Why jealousy isn't just an emotion, but a signal pointing to deeper issues
• The common pitfalls of DIY jealousy management and how to avoid them
• The importance of structured guidance and professional support in overcoming jealousy
• How to recognize when you're ready for real change in your approach to jealousy

Join me as we challenge the notion that we should handle jealousy alone and explore a path towards more peaceful, confident, and connected relationships. It's time to move beyond DIY solutions and embrace a more effective approach to managing jealousy in non-monogamous contexts.

Ready to take the next step? Visit elleciapaine.com/jealousy to learn more about the Beyond Jealousy program, an 8-week group coaching experience designed to help you find freedom from jealousy and create more fulfilling relationships.

https://elleciapaine.com/call

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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Episode Transcript

Ellecia (00:01):
Welcome back to Nope.
We're Not Monogamous.
I'm Ellecia, your relationshipcoach and your guide through
jealousy and boundaries, and youknow everything in between.
Today, I want to tackle a bigone why you can't DIY your way
out of jealousy.
Usually, if you have everthought I can handle this all on

(00:22):
my own, only to find yourselfright back where you started,
you're not alone, trust me,definitely not alone.
Jealousy is a really, reallytricky thing.
It's not just an emotion.
It's this signal pointing tosomething much deeper, and
trying to manage it withoutusing the right tools that's

(00:44):
like trying to fix a leaky pipewith duct tape.
It might hold for a littlewhile, but it's not a real
solution.
So let's talk about why DIYapproaches keep falling short
and what you can do instead tofind real, lasting relief.
Okay, raise your hand.
If you've tried to willpoweryour way through jealousy, I
mean maybe not raise your handbecause I can't see you and you
know the person in the next carmight think it's weird.

(01:06):
But you know, maybe you've readall the blogs, you've watched
some YouTube videos, you've readsome books, you've scribbled
affirmations in a notebook,you've done some journaling and
you start to feel a little bitbetter and you promise yourself
next time I'm not going to feelthis way.
But then the next time comesand there it is again, and this

(01:26):
isn't about a lack of effort onyour part.
It's a lack of structure andskills.
Like the, diy solutions oftendon't work because they don't
give you the tools or thesupport that you actually need
to address the root causes ofthe jealousy.
And you know so much ofjealousy isn't logical, it's not

(01:51):
cognitive.
You can't think your waythrough it.
Some of it you can, but it'snot just about what you know or
what you think.
A lot of times it's rooted inyour unconscious beliefs and
fears and patterns that youdon't even realize are holding
you back.
So trying to address jealousyon the surface is like patching
a crack in a dam and thepressure behind it just keeps

(02:14):
building Right and it works alittle while, but eventually
it's going to burst.
Eventually it's going toexplode.
That's why the deeper work is soimportant.
It's not just quick fixes orforcing yourself to just get
over it.
You want to uncover the hiddentriggers and the beliefs that
are buried in your subconsciousand address them in a really

(02:35):
meaningful way.
So doing it yourself might giveyou temporary relief, but
without tools to go deeper.
You're just.
You know, you're just throwingthings at it, hoping something
sticks.
You're trying to build IKEAfurniture without instructions.
It's frustrating and almostimpossible.

(02:58):
And you know, jealousy isn'tjust an emotion.
It's a signal, it's a signpostand it's your brain's way of
telling you that somethingdeeper is happening.
Maybe it's an unmet need, maybeit's an insecurity, or maybe
it's a fear of abandonment.
Managing jealousy requires alot more than just suppressing
the feeling or thinking positive.
Some good old toxic positivitywill get you through it.

(03:19):
It won't.
You need to understand the whybehind the emotion and have the
right tools to get through it.
So this is where having somestructured guidance makes all
the difference.
When you're working with acoach or a proven framework,
you're not just guessing yourway through the process.
You're given tools like real,practical, actionable strategies

(03:42):
that take the guesswork out ofthe emotional growth.
So let's talk about some of thecommon pitfalls that I see.
Mistake number one suppressingyour jealousy, telling yourself
I shouldn't feel this way,doesn't make the feeling
disappear.
It just makes it get louder andit makes you feel shittier.
Mistake number two is avoidingthe situation altogether, and

(04:06):
this might work in the shortterm, but in the long run, over
the course of an entirerelationship.
Avoidance creates more distanceand less trust in your
relationships.
Mistake number three trying tosolve jealousy in isolation, all
alone.
Relationships thrive onconnection Hell, humans thrive

(04:27):
on connection.
And so many of us try to tacklejealousy all alone.
We're afraid to bring it upwith our partners or even our
friends, because there's likethis weird shame or guilt or
like if you must be doingsomething wrong.
Does this sound familiar?
I've been there and I promiseyou there's a better way.

(04:49):
So why does professionalguidance, like a coach like
myself, work so much better thana do-it-yourself DIY solution?
First of all, it acceleratesyour growth.
A coach or a program gives youa roadmap.
It gives you a direction tofollow so that you're not
wasting your time and spinningyour wheels and having the same

(05:10):
arguments over and over.
Second, it reduces some of theemotional strain.
So, instead of feeling likeyou're battling jealousy all
alone, you have someone in yourcorner.
You have someone whounderstands the unique
challenges that come withnon-monogamy and that has helped
others overcome them andovercome them themselves.

(05:32):
Overcome them themselves,overcome the challenges
themselves and finally, it worksbecause it's tailored to you.
Every relationship is differentand a good coach helps you find
the tools and strategies thatfit your unique dynamics.
And here's where the magicreally happens.
A neutral party, someoneoutside of the situation, can

(05:54):
see things that you can't.
They're not emotionallyentangled in everything that's
happening, so they can point outthe patterns and point out the
truths that are invisible to youwhen you're stuck in it.
When you're in the weeds, youknow.
When your partner tries topoint out what's going on, it's
easy to feel defensive ormisunderstood, and when you're

(06:16):
trying to figure it out on yourown, blind spots and emotions
get in the way.
So having a coach provides anunbiased perspective, helping
you see the bigger picture andhelping guide you towards actual
solutions.
And it's not just about findinganswers, it's having someone
who can illuminate what youcan't see for yourself and give

(06:38):
you the tools to move forwardwith clarity and confidence.
All right, here's how you knowif you're ready for change.
All right, here's how you knowif you're ready for change.
You've tried on your own, butyou still feel stuck.
You've put in the effort, maybeyou've read the books, listened
to the podcasts, but nothingseems to stick.

(06:59):
You have these aha moments andthen you're right back where you
were, or jealousy isinterfering with your
relationships or yourself-esteem.
Maybe it's leading to arguments.
Maybe it's creating distancebetween you and your partner or
leaving you feeling like you'reinadequate or feeling unsure of

(07:20):
yourself.
Another one is that you'recraving tools that actually work
Instead of just hoping thatthings will magically get better
.
Deep down, you know that doingthe same thing over and over and
over is not going to give younew results.
So if you're nodding along,this is your sign.

(07:41):
It's time to move past thefrustration and start using
resources and tools that make areal difference.
So being ready for changedoesn't mean you have all the
answers.
It just means that you're readyand willing to ask for help and
to try some new approaches, andthat willingness to try
something different is all youneed to get started in a

(08:03):
direction that will lead towardsmore peace, more connection,
more confidence in yourrelationships.
You don't have to keep doingthis alone or in a silo right.
Taking a step to get support tolearn another way doesn't mean
that you failed.
It means that you're ready togrow.

(08:29):
One of the biggest myths aboutjealousy is that it's a personal
failing, that you've donesomething wrong or you're bad,
or you're obviously not cut outfor non-monogamy, which you
still feel jealousy and monogamy.
So that's clearly not it.
So it's not about being bad athandling jealousy.
It's not even having the wrongor right tools.

(08:51):
You don't know what you don'tknow, and that's okay.
No one hands us a manual on howto navigate jealousy, especially
how to navigate jealousy andnon-monogamy, let alone how to
transform it into somethingconstructive.
That's why having tools andhaving support and having
guidance is so important.
You deserve support, youdeserve relief, you deserve to

(09:14):
feel confident and secure inyour relationships.
That's why I created a programBeyond Jealousy.
It's an eight-week groupcoaching program designed to
help you tackle jealousy head-on, with proven techniques, tools
that I've used myself, toolsthat hundreds of my clients have
used and a supportive communityby your side.
So if you are ready to stopDIYing your jealousy, if you

(09:37):
want to leave the do-it-yourselfsolutions behind and find
freedom from jealousy,elleciapaine.
com/jealousy can visit to jointhe Beyond Jealousy program and
together we can uncover theroots, everything underneath it,
and reframe it and give you thetools to create a more peaceful

(09:57):
, confident and connectedversion of yourself and of your
relationship.
You don't have to do this alone.
We can do it together you canhave help.
Own we can do it.
Together you can have help.
I hope today's episode hasresonated for you.
If it has, share it with afriend who might need to hear it
and leave a review right.
Your support and your feedbacknot only helps other people

(10:19):
discover the show, but it alsobuilds our community of folks
navigating non-monogamy.
Thanks so much for listeningand until next time, like
remember that you've got this.
Bye.