November 7, 2023 • 15 mins
Ever wish granting your teenager's requests wasn't such a minefield? We're here to guide you through an innovative approach that starts with your teen, enabling them to brainstorm their wishes, categorize their timeframes, and understand their trustworthiness from your perspective. In this episode, we also challenge you to consider how to handle requests that defy family values, and how to encourage your teen's dreams while maintaining boundaries. It's a radical shift, but worth the journey.
Let's not forget the vital role communication plays between parents and teens! We focus on this critical topic and shed light on the communication tools that prime conversations, foster independence, self-esteem, and elevate teens' well-being. We'll share our unique form, designed to boost communication surrounding privileges and beyond. So, join us in this intentional parenting path, because your family's success and happiness should never be left to chance. You are in for an insightful ride.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
There are as many ways to parent as there are
parents in this world, but thereis one way to parent that wins
every time, and that's doing itintentionally.
This show is about helpingthings go right before they can
go wrong.
Each episode is chosen to helpparents like you, who may be
overwhelmed or uninspired, findthe ideas and motivation to give
(00:27):
their best efforts to thepeople and place that matters
the most.
I'm Dr Tim Thane, author of thebook and host of the podcast
Not by Chance.
I believe that a family'ssuccess and happiness is not by
chance, so welcome to thepodcast, built especially for
intentional families.
Let's jump in.
(00:47):
Hi thanks for joining me forthe Not by Chance podcast, and
today I want to addresssomething that I think is
universal.
In just about every family, youknow, parents have children, and
those children grow up, andwhen they become teenagers and
even earlier, they have requeststhat they make to their parents
(01:11):
that oftentimes are beyond whatthe parents are comfortable
giving them, because maybe theydon't feel like they're mature
enough, or that there's not abig enough trust there, that
you're afraid that they willmisuse that privilege, and so
that thing becomes a conflictpoint inside the family and
inside the relationship betweena parent and a teen.
(01:32):
Well, if that's happened to youand if it happens on a
repetitive basis around aparticular request a teen has, I
think this podcast is going tobe helpful to you.
So let's talk about why itdoesn't work normally.
And the reason that doesn'twork normally is because a lot
(01:52):
of times, there's not very goodcommunication going on between
the teen and the parent.
There's a lot of heightenedemotions when the request is
being made.
There's often words said thatkind of stop the whole thing
from happening.
A lot of times it can escalateto a point where there may be
(02:12):
shouting and swear words andpunching walls, et cetera, and
so it's one of those things thatwe tend to want to completely
avoid because we don't have agood answer as to how we should
go about doing that Well.
So we set out on the mission tofigure out how can we walk a
family through this process sothat it completely changes the
(02:36):
game.
It completely changes thatnarrative that they have in
their mind about addressing thisissue, and it begins actually
with the teen in this case.
The thing that they all have incommon is that they have
something that they want thattheir parents are not yet ready
to grant them, and they justneed a better way of doing it.
(03:00):
So let me go through this inkind of a step-by-step manner so
you can see what this is allabout.
And we've created, actually, aform that's ultimately going to
be a part of our trustee app,but for now it's just a form
that guides the team through aseries of steps that enable them
to communicate their wants andtheir desires in a much more
(03:22):
mature way to the parent.
The guide begins with havingthem brainstorm all of their
desires and their wishes, allthe things they want, everything
from, maybe, their favoritemeal that they'd like their
parent to cook for them, towanting an Xbox gaming system,
to being able to get theirdriver's license, to having use
(03:46):
of the family car, etc.
And it begins with them listingall of these things, because
isn't it true that we reallywant them to have all of these
things, assuming that it's notagainst our family values and
it's not against the law andthat it's age-appropriate and
that they're mature enough forit?
(04:06):
All of those things come intoplay, and maybe the cost could
be a factor as well, but weneeded a process to help the
team kind of step up into theirwise mind where they could look
at this through the lens of awiser person and even
particularly through the lens oftheir parents, and that would
(04:28):
give them an ability to come upwith a plan for addressing the
concerns the parents might have.
That would solve the problem ofthem being mature enough to be
able to move forward with theirdesire.
So, once they have got the listall made, we have them start to
categorize that into how longdo you think this should take
(04:51):
for you to get there.
You know, all of us have thisinstant gratification crave.
We would like to haveeverything that we want.
We'd like to have it now,without effort, without long
time to get there.
And so teens are no different,maybe even a little more so that
way, and we can't really expectanything different but this
(05:14):
process and ask them to thenlist how long do you think this
particular thing, given kind ofwhere your trust level is today,
where your maturity level istoday in the eyes of your
parents, how long do you thinkthat would take you to achieve
the goal of receiving thisprivilege or this freedom?
And it might be a week, itmight be a month, it might be
(05:36):
six months, it might be a year,but we want them to take that
whole list of things and thendecide how long do they think
it's going to take for them toget there.
The next step is to have theteen identify what the parents
have already said about what isrequired for them to earn that
reward, and I think in mostcases parents have communicated
that.
If you have not communicatedthat clearly to your teen, I
(06:02):
think that's a really importantthing.
A piece of information for themto understand Is that this is
not something that you'reagainst, but there are things,
clear things that you canarticulate that if they would do
over a period of time, youcould totally see them receiving
that reward.
Another thing we want them todo is to evaluate their
(06:25):
trustworthiness in the eyes oftheir parents.
So again, they have to kind ofput themselves in their parent's
shoes and they go through aseries of questions about
specific pillars of trustEverything from reliability to
their intentions around thatthing, to their respectful
behavior and there are eightthings that we have them measure
(06:48):
.
Parents might worry about thisbecause we're having them dream
a little bit and identify a wishlist and the parents might say
well, what if there's things onthat list that we just are
against and they're never goingto be given a green light for
that thing.
Well, we want the team to gothrough a process of identifying
barriers that are outside theircontrol.
(07:10):
I mean, even if they had aperfect level of trust and were
really mature for their age,there may be some reasons why
their parents won't grant themthat wish, and it could be
anything from the cost of thething, the age appropriateness
of it, the safety concerns oftheir other priorities, their
(07:32):
health considerations.
There are lots of other thingsthat a lot of times, teens would
never think about becausethey're not a parent, and it's
really the parent's job to thinkof all these reasons and to
keep their kids safe and to bethoughtful about timing, of when
they would give them something.
And so what we're asking theteen to do is to kind of step up
(07:54):
and be able to identify whatsome of those things might be.
We're then asking them to crafta plan.
Now you've got all thisinformation.
What can you request of yourparent?
Now let me kind of step back alittle bit.
I'm going to tell a couplestories that will help
illustrate this.
You know I've worked with a lotof families who have a teen
(08:14):
coming out of a residentialtreatment program or a
wilderness program and we'realways working with them at the
very beginning like what's theplan for moving forward?
What are the freedoms andprivileges they can have coming
right out of a treatment programwhere maybe before there was no
trust at all or very low trust.
(08:35):
And yet they've grown somesince they've been in these
programs and we'll get to thepoint of addressing things like
what about curfew?
Or going out with friends, orelectronics and social media and
other access to things on theinternet.
(08:56):
So let's say, for example,we're addressing the issue of
curfew and the parent will saywell, I am afraid, because
before it was two or three inthe morning when they'd come
home, and I know they're goingto want to do that again, but we
(09:16):
can't have that.
And so what I always do is askthem, to ask the teen, what they
think the curfew should be andwhat they think the consequence
of not abiding by that curfewshould be, because while they're
in these programs they tend tokind of step into a higher level
(09:36):
of thinking, a more wise mind,you might say, where they've
identified that, gee, if I stayout too late, I've noticed
that's when I get into trouble,and so I better not stay out
late until I can really trustmyself back home again.
And so when they find outoftentimes and they ask the teen
what should be the boundary inthe first place and what should
(09:59):
be the consequence if you stepover that boundary, the teen
will often suggest somethingstricter than what they would
think.
So then they have theopportunity to be the benevolent
one that says you know, insteadof a month grounding, how about
you just don't have the use ofthe car for the weekend?
And then you can earn thatprivilege back again.
(10:20):
And so that's what I'd sayagain here is that we want the
teen to express this so that youcan see kind of where they're
at from a wise perspective, notbeing confronted by you know the
arguments and being caught backin the trap of conflict with
you around this issue.
I think that they're going tocome out with some more wise and
(10:43):
thoughtful suggestions abouthow they can earn that privilege
.
The last step of the process iswe're going to have them craft a
letter that will request theprivilege but then identify the
plan, what they intend to do toearn that privilege in terms of
building their trust with youand also being mature enough and
(11:07):
having the patience to be ableto get there, also acknowledging
in some cases there may be somethings outside their knowledge
that's keeping them from beingable to receive that privilege.
There's something about beingable to write all this out
without being in a back andforth conversation with your
parent that, I think, willchange the game completely, as
(11:30):
they share this letter withtheir parents, and so what I ask
on the parent side is that theytake this information, they
really really consider it andthey figure out what would be a
positive risk to be able to takethat would allow your teen to
actually earn this privilege.
I'm really excited about this.
(11:51):
I think it's going to help alot of families get past this
repetitive conflict that theyhave around these issues, and,
because there's something theteen really wants, the teen's
going to be willing, I believe,in many cases, to address some
of the biggest concerns theparents have in order to get to
that thing that they want.
(12:11):
Ultimately, this is going to bein the trustee app.
It's going to be part of theonboarding for a teen who's
going to join the app and, onthe parent side, of course,
trustee app is going to help theparent do a lot better job of
staying calm, providing thatreward when the time comes and
not forgetting about it.
Frankly, when I shared this witha couple of my sons the other
(12:34):
day, who are now adults, one ofthem told me he said that would
have really helped us back whenyou took my Game Boy away, back
when I was a kid.
And I guess we took the GameBoy away and there wasn't a
clear path for him to receivethe Game Boy back again, and so
we hid the Game Boy so wellactually that we couldn't find
it.
(12:54):
When the time came and we feltlike he was mature enough to
have it, we couldn't find it.
It was years later before hefinally found the Game Boy, and
so he reminded me of that, whichwas a reminder.
By the way, I'm far from perfectas a parent.
There's lots of things I'vemade mistakes in in the past,
(13:15):
but I'm finding that if we canfind tools, ways to be able to
communicate with one another andthis happens to be a great way
to kind of separate the two getthe teen to do their work and
their internal insight, workthat they need to have and to
figure out really, how can Ireceive this thing?
(13:37):
I want this privilege in theright way, not the wrong way,
not the manipulative way thatI've done in the past, but in
the right way, because in theend, the benefits to the teen
are far greater than just oh, Ihave a better relationship with
my parent now.
It's a sense of a boostedself-esteem because they know
(13:57):
they did it right and they hadto use some self-discipline in
the process.
They're going to be bettercommunicators because they're
going to see how this reallyactually moves things forward in
my life when I communicate in amature way, and they're just
going to have a greater sense ofwell-being as they do it.
(14:18):
So I'm really excited to getthis out.
I'm excited to get the parent'sfeedback.
I sent the form to a coupleparents today and said hey, what
do you think about this?
Give me your feedback and, ifyou like it, let's have your
teens take it.
And I got an email back rightaway and the mother said this
looks like a great tool.
(14:38):
I can't wait to see how theyrespond to it Because, again,
the parents really want theirteen to grow up into
independence, to be able to givethem the freedoms, the
privileges that the teen wants,and so, again, the reality is
teens and parents actually wantthe same thing.
They just need the right toolsto help them get there, and I
(15:01):
hope I can help you do the same.
So if you're interested in this, please email me at tim at
trustycom, and we'll give you ashot at taking a look at this
form and allow your teen to takethis and help you communicate
about these issues on a wholenew level.
Parents, your time is valuableand I'm grateful you spent some
(15:27):
of it with us.
What you're intentionally doingin your home life is inspiring
and unmatched in its importanceand long term effects.
Ask yourself, what am I goingto do because of what I've
learned today?
There are as many ways to parent as there are
parents in this world, but thereis one way to parent that wins
every time, and that's doing itintentionally.
This show is about helpingthings go right before they can
go wrong.
Each episode is chosen to helpparents like you, who may be
overwhelmed or uninspired, findthe ideas and motivation to give
(00:27):
their best efforts to thepeople and place that matters
the most.
I'm Dr Tim Thane, author of thebook and host of the podcast
Not by Chance.
I believe that a family'ssuccess and happiness is not by
chance, so welcome to thepodcast, built especially for
intentional families.
Let's jump in.
(00:47):
Hi thanks for joining me forthe Not by Chance podcast, and
today I want to addresssomething that I think is
universal.
In just about every family, youknow, parents have children, and
those children grow up, andwhen they become teenagers and
even earlier, they have requeststhat they make to their parents
(01:11):
that oftentimes are beyond whatthe parents are comfortable
giving them, because maybe theydon't feel like they're mature
enough, or that there's not abig enough trust there, that
you're afraid that they willmisuse that privilege, and so
that thing becomes a conflictpoint inside the family and
inside the relationship betweena parent and a teen.
(01:32):
Well, if that's happened to youand if it happens on a
repetitive basis around aparticular request a teen has, I
think this podcast is going tobe helpful to you.
So let's talk about why itdoesn't work normally.
And the reason that doesn'twork normally is because a lot
(01:52):
of times, there's not very goodcommunication going on between
the teen and the parent.
There's a lot of heightenedemotions when the request is
being made.
There's often words said thatkind of stop the whole thing
from happening.
A lot of times it can escalateto a point where there may be
(02:12):
shouting and swear words andpunching walls, et cetera, and
so it's one of those things thatwe tend to want to completely
avoid because we don't have agood answer as to how we should
go about doing that Well.
So we set out on the mission tofigure out how can we walk a
family through this process sothat it completely changes the
(02:36):
game.
It completely changes thatnarrative that they have in
their mind about addressing thisissue, and it begins actually
with the teen in this case.
The thing that they all have incommon is that they have
something that they want thattheir parents are not yet ready
to grant them, and they justneed a better way of doing it.
(03:00):
So let me go through this inkind of a step-by-step manner so
you can see what this is allabout.
And we've created, actually, aform that's ultimately going to
be a part of our trustee app,but for now it's just a form
that guides the team through aseries of steps that enable them
to communicate their wants andtheir desires in a much more
(03:22):
mature way to the parent.
The guide begins with havingthem brainstorm all of their
desires and their wishes, allthe things they want, everything
from, maybe, their favoritemeal that they'd like their
parent to cook for them, towanting an Xbox gaming system,
to being able to get theirdriver's license, to having use
(03:46):
of the family car, etc.
And it begins with them listingall of these things, because
isn't it true that we reallywant them to have all of these
things, assuming that it's notagainst our family values and
it's not against the law andthat it's age-appropriate and
that they're mature enough forit?
(04:06):
All of those things come intoplay, and maybe the cost could
be a factor as well, but weneeded a process to help the
team kind of step up into theirwise mind where they could look
at this through the lens of awiser person and even
particularly through the lens oftheir parents, and that would
(04:28):
give them an ability to come upwith a plan for addressing the
concerns the parents might have.
That would solve the problem ofthem being mature enough to be
able to move forward with theirdesire.
So, once they have got the listall made, we have them start to
categorize that into how longdo you think this should take
(04:51):
for you to get there.
You know, all of us have thisinstant gratification crave.
We would like to haveeverything that we want.
We'd like to have it now,without effort, without long
time to get there.
And so teens are no different,maybe even a little more so that
way, and we can't really expectanything different but this
(05:14):
process and ask them to thenlist how long do you think this
particular thing, given kind ofwhere your trust level is today,
where your maturity level istoday in the eyes of your
parents, how long do you thinkthat would take you to achieve
the goal of receiving thisprivilege or this freedom?
And it might be a week, itmight be a month, it might be
(05:36):
six months, it might be a year,but we want them to take that
whole list of things and thendecide how long do they think
it's going to take for them toget there.
The next step is to have theteen identify what the parents
have already said about what isrequired for them to earn that
reward, and I think in mostcases parents have communicated
that.
If you have not communicatedthat clearly to your teen, I
(06:02):
think that's a really importantthing.
A piece of information for themto understand Is that this is
not something that you'reagainst, but there are things,
clear things that you canarticulate that if they would do
over a period of time, youcould totally see them receiving
that reward.
Another thing we want them todo is to evaluate their
(06:25):
trustworthiness in the eyes oftheir parents.
So again, they have to kind ofput themselves in their parent's
shoes and they go through aseries of questions about
specific pillars of trustEverything from reliability to
their intentions around thatthing, to their respectful
behavior and there are eightthings that we have them measure
(06:48):
.
Parents might worry about thisbecause we're having them dream
a little bit and identify a wishlist and the parents might say
well, what if there's things onthat list that we just are
against and they're never goingto be given a green light for
that thing.
Well, we want the team to gothrough a process of identifying
barriers that are outside theircontrol.
(07:10):
I mean, even if they had aperfect level of trust and were
really mature for their age,there may be some reasons why
their parents won't grant themthat wish, and it could be
anything from the cost of thething, the age appropriateness
of it, the safety concerns oftheir other priorities, their
(07:32):
health considerations.
There are lots of other thingsthat a lot of times, teens would
never think about becausethey're not a parent, and it's
really the parent's job to thinkof all these reasons and to
keep their kids safe and to bethoughtful about timing, of when
they would give them something.
And so what we're asking theteen to do is to kind of step up
(07:54):
and be able to identify whatsome of those things might be.
We're then asking them to crafta plan.
Now you've got all thisinformation.
What can you request of yourparent?
Now let me kind of step back alittle bit.
I'm going to tell a couplestories that will help
illustrate this.
You know I've worked with a lotof families who have a teen
(08:14):
coming out of a residentialtreatment program or a
wilderness program and we'realways working with them at the
very beginning like what's theplan for moving forward?
What are the freedoms andprivileges they can have coming
right out of a treatment programwhere maybe before there was no
trust at all or very low trust.
(08:35):
And yet they've grown somesince they've been in these
programs and we'll get to thepoint of addressing things like
what about curfew?
Or going out with friends, orelectronics and social media and
other access to things on theinternet.
(08:56):
So let's say, for example,we're addressing the issue of
curfew and the parent will saywell, I am afraid, because
before it was two or three inthe morning when they'd come
home, and I know they're goingto want to do that again, but we
(09:16):
can't have that.
And so what I always do is askthem, to ask the teen, what they
think the curfew should be andwhat they think the consequence
of not abiding by that curfewshould be, because while they're
in these programs they tend tokind of step into a higher level
(09:36):
of thinking, a more wise mind,you might say, where they've
identified that, gee, if I stayout too late, I've noticed
that's when I get into trouble,and so I better not stay out
late until I can really trustmyself back home again.
And so when they find outoftentimes and they ask the teen
what should be the boundary inthe first place and what should
(09:59):
be the consequence if you stepover that boundary, the teen
will often suggest somethingstricter than what they would
think.
So then they have theopportunity to be the benevolent
one that says you know, insteadof a month grounding, how about
you just don't have the use ofthe car for the weekend?
And then you can earn thatprivilege back again.
(10:20):
And so that's what I'd sayagain here is that we want the
teen to express this so that youcan see kind of where they're
at from a wise perspective, notbeing confronted by you know the
arguments and being caught backin the trap of conflict with
you around this issue.
I think that they're going tocome out with some more wise and
(10:43):
thoughtful suggestions abouthow they can earn that privilege
.
The last step of the process iswe're going to have them craft a
letter that will request theprivilege but then identify the
plan, what they intend to do toearn that privilege in terms of
building their trust with youand also being mature enough and
(11:07):
having the patience to be ableto get there, also acknowledging
in some cases there may be somethings outside their knowledge
that's keeping them from beingable to receive that privilege.
There's something about beingable to write all this out
without being in a back andforth conversation with your
parent that, I think, willchange the game completely, as
(11:30):
they share this letter withtheir parents, and so what I ask
on the parent side is that theytake this information, they
really really consider it andthey figure out what would be a
positive risk to be able to takethat would allow your teen to
actually earn this privilege.
I'm really excited about this.
(11:51):
I think it's going to help alot of families get past this
repetitive conflict that theyhave around these issues, and,
because there's something theteen really wants, the teen's
going to be willing, I believe,in many cases, to address some
of the biggest concerns theparents have in order to get to
that thing that they want.
(12:11):
Ultimately, this is going to bein the trustee app.
It's going to be part of theonboarding for a teen who's
going to join the app and, onthe parent side, of course,
trustee app is going to help theparent do a lot better job of
staying calm, providing thatreward when the time comes and
not forgetting about it.
Frankly, when I shared this witha couple of my sons the other
(12:34):
day, who are now adults, one ofthem told me he said that would
have really helped us back whenyou took my Game Boy away, back
when I was a kid.
And I guess we took the GameBoy away and there wasn't a
clear path for him to receivethe Game Boy back again, and so
we hid the Game Boy so wellactually that we couldn't find
it.
(12:54):
When the time came and we feltlike he was mature enough to
have it, we couldn't find it.
It was years later before hefinally found the Game Boy, and
so he reminded me of that, whichwas a reminder.
By the way, I'm far from perfectas a parent.
There's lots of things I'vemade mistakes in in the past,
(13:15):
but I'm finding that if we canfind tools, ways to be able to
communicate with one another andthis happens to be a great way
to kind of separate the two getthe teen to do their work and
their internal insight, workthat they need to have and to
figure out really, how can Ireceive this thing?
(13:37):
I want this privilege in theright way, not the wrong way,
not the manipulative way thatI've done in the past, but in
the right way, because in theend, the benefits to the teen
are far greater than just oh, Ihave a better relationship with
my parent now.
It's a sense of a boostedself-esteem because they know
(13:57):
they did it right and they hadto use some self-discipline in
the process.
They're going to be bettercommunicators because they're
going to see how this reallyactually moves things forward in
my life when I communicate in amature way, and they're just
going to have a greater sense ofwell-being as they do it.
(14:18):
So I'm really excited to getthis out.
I'm excited to get the parent'sfeedback.
I sent the form to a coupleparents today and said hey, what
do you think about this?
Give me your feedback and, ifyou like it, let's have your
teens take it.
And I got an email back rightaway and the mother said this
looks like a great tool.
(14:38):
I can't wait to see how theyrespond to it Because, again,
the parents really want theirteen to grow up into
independence, to be able to givethem the freedoms, the
privileges that the teen wants,and so, again, the reality is
teens and parents actually wantthe same thing.
They just need the right toolsto help them get there, and I
(15:01):
hope I can help you do the same.
So if you're interested in this, please email me at tim at
trustycom, and we'll give you ashot at taking a look at this
form and allow your teen to takethis and help you communicate
about these issues on a wholenew level.
Parents, your time is valuableand I'm grateful you spent some
(15:27):
of it with us.
What you're intentionally doingin your home life is inspiring
and unmatched in its importanceand long term effects.
Ask yourself, what am I goingto do because of what I've
learned today?
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.