117. Am I the Hater? | Annoying Children, Demanding In-Laws, and Quiet Resentment - Not For Everyone

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Truly, what I needed was for himto know what the sacrifice
involved there felt like and what it was costing me.
Because if I didn't explain thatto him, then later that's when
you have resentment because you're like, but I gave this
thing that I didn't want to giveand you took it.

(00:28):
Hi babies, welcome back. This is not for everyone.
I'm Jess, your lover, and I'm with Caroline, your hater.
It's a podcast hosted by a haterand a lover.
Today we're trying something newand I'm pretty excited about it.
Caroline, I got to give you credit for the idea, and I feel
like you need to back up and tell us where the idea came

(00:48):
from. I mean, I know, but tell the
listeners where the idea came from.
We're doing an Am I the Hater this week?
Yeah, we're doing a full episode.
We started, we did 1 little segment of an Am I the Hater?
Where listeners send in nuanced or complicated situations where

(01:09):
there's, you know, reasonably a bunch of different opinions and
takes you could have on it. And then we're going to give our
dirty old opinions and talk it through.
And for these, we're definitely looking for situations where,
like, it's not as clear cut. It takes some discussing for all
of us. And the reality is there's not
usually one right answer, but it's fun.

(01:31):
It's fun to explore, it's fun tonavigate.
It's fun to hold space. And and then we're going to
decide whether you're the hater or not for these listeners who
send it in. And this was inspired by there's
like an Internet framework that's called like, am I the
asshole? I feel like it's usually on
Reddit and I like reading those sometimes where it's basically

(01:54):
this format, but we've called ithater because be just because,
you know, 'cause branding, yeah.'Cause branding and cause yeah,
I like it a lot because it's notadvice.
Like there is a subtle difference.
As I was reading through submissions for am I the hater?
There's a subtle difference in how listeners submitted topics

(02:17):
for this versus topics for like a what a do, the what a do's.
People are asking. Like I have this situation, what
should I do about it? And for this, it's way more like
a situation already happened. And like, I'm kind of looking
back on it, wondering if I'm theasshole, if I'm the hater.
So I like that about it. Like, we're not, yeah, we're not

(02:37):
gonna give you like a direction in this episode, which I feel
like sometimes is what people are asking for and we try to do.
And it's decent. I think there's.
Still direction embedded in it like when I was looking.
Probably. The things people submitted.
Well, there's a little bit of like what we would do maybe, I
don't know. I get, I think we get to be a
little judgy, which I appreciate.

(02:59):
We get to be a little judgy because you volunteered your
stories and we're gonna say if we think you're a hater or not.
But guess what? Being a hater is also not a bad
thing 'cause. It better not be since
apparently that's my entire personality.
Apparently, it's our personalities are just the one
thing that we say in the entire.Thing I'll say one one note

(03:21):
quickly on on judging. I think I've talked before on
here about, you know, there's all this like no judgment, no
judgment shit that's gone aroundfor years and I kind of feel
like we've started to weasel ourway out of that.
But I still felt like a lot of maybe negativity and shame
around like, oh, no one's supposed to be judging.

(03:43):
But one of the biggest things that my therapist has like kind
of pushed me on over the last year was being honest about when
you are judging something and that that's just a human thing.
And I think, you know, there wasprobably, I'm, I think I was
talking through, you know, some difficulty with Justin or

(04:03):
something. This was some months ago.
I can't remember what it was, but I was, you know, talking to
my therapist about it. And I was like, well, you know,
I'm not, I'm not judging him about this.
I'm not judging. It's just that I think this
would be better for blah, blah, blah.
And she was like, sounds like you could be judging.
Like, is that so bad? Like that's, that might be a
really important thing to admit because it's going to happen all

(04:23):
the time. And it's something that she's
pushed me on and in individual therapy and in Group therapy,
which I'm loving, which is all kind of so fucking good.
I. Wasn't sure if you were still
going. It's like transforming my life.
I love group therapy and basically group therapy is
basically exposing you. You're doing therapy in a group,

(04:44):
bunch of other people and you'renot therapizing each other, but
you're sharing things and then letting yourself encounter your
moments of judgement or triggering with other people.
And they bring up, oh, you know,so I'm really stressed about
this, this, this, it really stressed me out and I'm having a
hard time. And my therapist just last week
was like told me she was like, you need to be chiming in more

(05:06):
telling people when you have a judgmental reaction to something
they're doing. Because so much of like the pain
and friction and miscommunications and fallouts
that happen, especially in our friendships and relationships
these days are from judgments that we hold and we can't own up
to or judgments that we hold andtry to swallow because we think

(05:28):
the other person won't possibly be able to handle it.
And so this group therapy is allabout being like, you know what?
I have a judgement about the wayyou're spiraling over this
thing. Like, it doesn't even make
sense. Why do you even need to do it
this way? I think about it this way and
it's so scary to do. And especially with like female
friendships, I feel like you're like not allowed to ever have a

(05:48):
judgement or blah, blah, blah. But then when I've been pushed
to do it in Group therapy, I find that in reality, I'm able
to say it. I'm able to share this judgement
in a much more grounded and sympathetic way than I think
I'll be able to. And then people receive it in a
much more open way than I ever imagined they'll be able to.

(06:11):
And then it's this whole, it opens up this whole different
level of intimacy. Yeah.
So I feel like judgement and embracing all the fucking
judgement I have and that we allhave has been this surprising
thing that like my therapist is pushing me on.
So yeah, I don't know. I think I, I had a lot of shame
about like, oh, you're never supposed to be judging anyone.

(06:32):
But that's. Just a lie.
Yeah. It's so interesting that you're
talking about this. Like admitting that you were
feeling Judge mental then releases the pressure about it
or something. Ryan and I had a similar
breakthrough a while ago about blame, which I feel like is, is
a similar like taboo thing. Like don't you don't get, you

(06:55):
know, don't blame people for doing stuff like you need to
just own how you feel about something.
And so anyway, I, we were havingthis like recurring issue and I
was like, I feel like when you say that, it feels like you're
blaming me for X. And he was like, I'm not blaming
you. It's just this.
And and as we kept talking aboutit, I was like, but if we if we

(07:18):
reverse the roles and I'm in your shoes, I would blame you if
you did that thing, it's OK to blame me.
And I was almost like, hey, could for a second, could you
just lean into the idea that maybe you are placing blame on
me and maybe that's OK. And he was like, OK, yeah, I
could be open to that. And then literally like, we have
this huge breakthrough in this recurring issue we had been

(07:40):
having simply because he admitted, I gave him permission
to admit that he was blaming me for something.
And then he admitted it. And then it was like, OK, now
it's not like weighing on us anymore.
It was a it was a wild thing. And I think that works for a lot
of these, these like heavy wordsthat make you feel like you're a

(08:01):
bad person if you judge or if you blame, it's like, just name
it and admit it and you can moveon.
Because it's what's true. I feel like, yeah, that's a
great example. Because I feel like people who
listen to this podcast or you, me, Ryan, Justin, were all
people who, you know, have a certain sense of pride and
identity and trying to do these healthy, growing, therapeutic,

(08:21):
the things in our relationships.And so to think that I might be
judging or I might be blaming, or I might be doing something
that I've labeled as petty or less healthy, but it's still
very, very human. It's actually just like a denial
of what is true and a denial of what's really happening.
And then that really stops progress.

(08:43):
Then that stops communication. So that's so cool that you were
able to like pause and give him the space to do that.
That that is completely kind of an example of what.
Yeah, I feel like my therapist is pushing, pushing me to do.
Because if you're operating in this world where like you're,
you know, we're all perfect and we've never, we've never had a

(09:04):
judgement or we've never thoughta nasty thought, then then we're
just not being honest anymore. But you can kind of like hold it
and still explore it and move forward.
Yeah, that's awesome. And it's like, as the person on
the receiving end, the person feeling blamed or the person
feeling judged, if you keep insisting you're not blaming me
or you're not judging me, then Ifeel invalidated.

(09:26):
I'm like, but but that's how I feel.
That's how I'm receiving it. Yeah.
So there was also something about that too, of him just
being like, yeah, I guess maybe I'm open to the idea that I'm
blaming you for this thing. It made me feel like, oh, I
don't have to convince him anymore that I feel blamed.
And now we can move on. Like we were stuck on like, I
just need to feel validated for a second and then we can figure

(09:48):
out, you know, what to do next. And instead this just passed us
right through that hurdle. So yeah, I think that's that's
very timely that you brought that up 'cause I've been
thinking a lot about it lately. And I do think it is relevant
framing for the episode because we are probably judging, but
that's normal. And you sent us your stories and

(10:10):
that's what am I the Hater is for.
I also want to say before we getinto the first one, 'cause we
have like a few long ones to go through and they're nuanced and
people sent us a lot of detail, which is great.
And then later we'll also do like rapid fire ones.
So we have a mix. But there was 1 submission that
I read and just burst out laughing in the rapid fire

(10:34):
submissions we got on Instagram.So I asked people like send us
quick almost hot take style. Am I the haters to react to?
And this person just wrote it enrages me when I'm out walking
and see an old woman staring through their window.
That's it, that's what they said.
I read that and was like fuck. I.

(10:54):
I, I, I don't know if I relate, but I and I, I don't know.
If you're the hater, I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, they are the hater, but I just agree with that and I
can't put words to it and I won't, but I that's correct.
It was so good. It was so good.
I just felt like it set the tone.
Should we do #1? So this one's so this one, the

(11:15):
title is, am I the hater for asking for gifts from my
husband? I'm going to ramble.
And I think that's what you guyswanted.
There's a lot of details I got to give.
Basically, I feel unappreciated by my husband for not receiving
gifts from him. The reason being he's been
giving little things to his family who we see often.
A chocolate bar he knows his dadlikes snacks for his little

(11:36):
sister. It seems to me he's always
thinking of them to show appreciation by giving them
little things, but he never doesthat for me.
I let it go for a while, but this week he gifted his sister
with a little cake and chocolates as a little present
because, quote, she's working hard on her assignments.
She's in college. I have a very very good
relationship with his family. His parents have done a lot for

(11:56):
us. I see his sister as a sister I
never had. I love her and I even have
gifted her little things myself.One of those things I love about
my husband is how close he is with them.
So this feeling of mine has nothing to do with jealousy.
I just feel like I wasn't doing.I just felt like I wasn't doing
anything worth him wanting to surprise me with a little thing

(12:18):
he knows I like like he does with them.
I felt underappreciated because he gifted his sister with
something for her hard work and nothing for me, even though I
just achieved a very very important goal in my life
recently. 1 he helped with and knows pretty well how hard it
was. I talked to him about it because
thank God we're best friends andhave great communication.
I never feel like I can't tell him something.

(12:38):
He thought it was jealousy at first, but did understand in the
end. I kind of feel so diva for
asking though. Was it the right thing to do?
I don't like chocolate. So I brought up the fact that
I've been hinting that I want flowers from him every once in a
while and he hasn't done so for.For reference, we're four months
married, three month three yearstogether.
I kind of think it was my fault because when we started dating I

(13:00):
mentioned how I didn't like flowers.
And disclaimer, I do. I didn't know how to express
that at the time. I don't like the very cliche,
extravagant bouquets that are common where we live, but I love
flowers and I would like that from him.
It's a little thing he could surprise me with like he does
with his family. I'm also trying to not have the
feeling that if he does, oh thatif he does it now, it's only

(13:24):
because I asked and because he and not because he felt
naturally inclined to do so. Am I?
I'm confused, am I in the wrong?I totally get the feeling.
I like the submission 'cause I feel like it's pretty relatable
being torn up about like am IA diva for this thing that I could
spin as being superficial and whatever else you want to label

(13:46):
it. But absolutely no, I don't think
the listener is the hater at all.
I think I'm 'cause the way I seeit is like she sees this little
like thoughtful gift giving. These aren't like a lot.
It's not cars and jewelry and like, oh, I want you to buy me
more diamonds. It's like a little chocolate bar

(14:08):
that you thought I would like orsomething that acknowledges this
huge milestone. Like it's thoughtfulness and the
fact that she sees this is his love language with the people he
loves. And then she is not the
recipient of that love language.I, I would absolutely feel the
same. I would absolutely feel the same
and I feel like like if she explained it all to him the way

(14:31):
she did to us and I would be. I would be pretty shocked if
someone couldn't understand that.
I find it very understandable. I even read this one to Justin
right before we recorded to get a guy's take.
And he was. Like, no, that's so relatable.
Like, of course that makes senseand I, I understand being like,

(14:52):
Oh well, I maybe it's my fault because before I told him I
didn't like flowers, but I actually do and blah, blah blah.
Number one, you're allowed to update your preferences through
a long term relationship. You're allowed to say, you know
how before I said I hated PDA, now I like PDA, like you're
allowed to evolve. You're allowed to say, I know I
said that before and now it's changed.

(15:13):
This is how I feel about it Now there's like that's, that's
going to happen. There's nothing wrong about
that. It feels, it does feel a little
weird, but I think for someone who really just cares about you,
they're not going to be weirded out by that.
And then I, I know she also touched on this feeling of being
like, oh, I'm a little in my head about like, if he just
starts giving me gifts now I'm going to think, oh, he's just

(15:37):
doing this by force. And I also know that feeling.
I actually had a pretty parallelsituation, which I've referenced
on here before with Justin earlyin our relationship.
He did not do words of affirmation.
And he had, when I kind of talked to him about, I was like,
oh, I noticed you're not like very mushy or expressive over
text or blah, blah, blah, or in your words.

(15:59):
And he had the most psychotic like Roomba response ever.
And he was just like, well, I don't really understand what the
point of words are. Like anybody can write anything
in a text. It doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't mean it means anything.
It could be a lie, blah, blah, blah.
And I was like, OK, psycho. And so I just tried to accept
it, but it continued to really bother me.

(16:22):
And there continued to be this unmet need.
And I didn't think I had the same idea.
I was like, oh, well, he can't do it.
It'll be mechanical. It won't mean anything to me, so
we should just break up. And I basically almost broke up
with him early on in our relationship.
And he was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.
Like I could do this. Like I didn't know you need like
if you need it, yes, I can do this.
And I and we kind of proceeded warily and I was like, this is

(16:44):
probably going to feel mechanical.
But and you know, it does feel mechanical a little bit because
he has to get used to doing it. He has to get more natural at
it. And I have to give him time to
believe his sincerity. And the feeling is there.
I'm just asking for the words too.
And I'm and now, you know, within a month or two, I think I
didn't question it at all. And it's just a very natural

(17:08):
part of our relationship now. So I get the awkwardness.
I get how it feels mechanical. And I'm, I also think these
things are very, they're just learnable skills.
It's like learning. It's learning a new language.
You can do it. Yeah.
Yeah, I also think whenever thatfeeling comes up of like, I've

(17:28):
asked for a need to be fulfilled.
And I feel like now if he does it, it's just because I asked
and whatever. Flip the roles like in reverse.
If your partner asks for a need to be filled, at least for me,
how I feel is like, oh, thank God you told me.
Like, you took the guesswork outof it.
I don't have to read your mind. You communicated that you have

(17:49):
this need and now it sets me up for success.
I'm able to deliver on it. Like something I've talked about
a lot is Ryan's need for more alone time than like what I
usually need. He has to communicate that with
me. And then I'm, I don't think when
I give it to him, he's like, oh,she's only giving me alone time
because I asked. Who the fuck cares?
He got his alone time and I'm over here doing my thing and

(18:12):
like, it's all fine. So if you flip it, I feel like
it's so easy when you're the onewho's asking for a need to be
filled to think like it's, it's not natural.
It's not what they want to do. Like they're only doing it
because I asked them. But if you put yourself in the
shoes of the person who is fulfilling the need, it's
helpful. And the reason you're feeling it

(18:34):
is because your partner needs it.
It's not for any other. It's not because it's insincere.
It's just maybe you didn't realize before and now you
realize. I feel like that's just as
sincere too. If you're like, oh, they
wouldn't normally do this, but they're just doing it because
they know it means a lot to me and they're able to maintain
doing it. It's like, that's what that's

(18:55):
still love. What else is that?
That's OK. Yeah.
And it could. Become natural.
That's all it is. But I do think I agree, like
this person is not the hater. I feel for them a lot and it's
frustrating to be consistently asking.
And the point you made about like he's demonstrating that
this is one of his love languages that he's able to give

(19:15):
to other people. So it's bizarre that he's not
showing up in that way with her even when she's asked for it.
I almost wonder if on like if he's thinking, oh, now if I do
it, she'll only think it's because she asked.
Like, maybe you just really needto spell it out in the way that
you did in the message to us andjust clear all the air and be

(19:38):
like, listen, there doesn't haveto be resentment, resentment
about this. There doesn't have to be like a
whole, you know, history of, oh,you do this all the time for
your family and I've asked you and you haven't done it.
Can we just like clean slate andnow, you know, it's something I
want and now and can you just godo it?
Like maybe you just need to freeeach other of the the history

(19:58):
and the weight that's on it. And that's, I mean, I'm giving
the partner the benefit of the doubt honestly that like they
would want to try to fulfill theneed.
I wasn't clear if I wasn't clearif she had told him, she said
she told him about this. I wasn't clear if now he's still
not doing it basically. I think that's what she's
saying. I or I couldn't tell if she was

(20:20):
like. He wasn't doing it and then I
and then I told him and he got it.
But was it stupid of me to ask? I couldn't tell if he was still
resisting. And I just.
I just wish I'd be so curious tohear what his end of the story
was for why he did it for his family.
But thought she did. She just like didn't want it or

(20:43):
something because something like, oh, you told me way back,
you don't like flowers, you don't like chocolate.
That would make so much sense tome as his response, because
unless the response is he just doesn't care about you and
doesn't care about your needs and doesn't care about your
feelings, which it doesn't soundlike that's the case at all.
Unless it's that, then it has tobe.

(21:03):
I think something that would make it all make sense.
I would want to get to that piece that makes it all make
sense 'cause I bet there is thatpiece.
If you guys are best. Friends and you've great
communication. I don't think it like, I don't
think it's just, I don't know. And actually, I think you're
right, like the way she wrote itis that they talked about it.

(21:23):
He understood, and now she's just having second thoughts
about like, was I being a diva? So I think maybe it's there's a
chance that he's now doing what she's asked, but in which case
I'm like, don't overthink it. Like you don't need to keep
thinking about it and wondering if you're the hater, if you're
the diva. Like you communicated and he

(21:45):
listened and he's trying now. And so that's the whole point of
communicating. So I don't think you did the
wrong thing by bringing it up tohim at all.
And hopefully that's like payingoff.
But yeah, I agree. I would want to get to the
bottom of like, what was his thought process before?
Maybe it's also something of like, I don't know, gifts are

(22:07):
such a strangelove language to me.
Not to invalidate. I know it's literally one of the
five love languages that people talk about, but I just feel like
there's something a little different about them compared to
other love languages for me. Like I think you can, I think I
make a incorrect assumption sometimes that somebody who

(22:29):
likes to receive gifts also likes to give gifts and somebody
who likes to give gifts also likes to receive gifts.
What I mean by that is like, if Caroline, you got me a gift all
the time, like if you just, you know, every time we saw each
other, you gave me a gift, I would then be like, oh, Caroline
really loves gifts. I should start getting her gifts

(22:50):
because that's how she's showingup.
We have to be something to her. Yeah.
And there's something like equaland balanced about it because
it's like a thing, an item of monetary value or something.
It wouldn't be that in my head. It would just be more like, oh,
she's very gift oriented, so maybe she likes that.
So I would want to make her feelloved in that way too.

(23:14):
I guess that where I'm going is like, there's a world in which,
you know, the listener who wrotein to us maybe doesn't give
gifts to her partner. And so maybe, and then she's
communicated to him like, I don't really care about flowers.
And then maybe he's just like, OK, she doesn't really give.
Me. That's not a thing here.
She doesn't really like flowers.Maybe that's not a thing.
Whereas maybe in his family it'salways been a big.

(23:35):
Deal to like. Give gifts to each other.
Yeah, I do agree that I feel like when I think about the big
gift givers, I know they are notthat into receiving gifts.
It's not like. Yeah, I.
I feel like almost everybody I know I, I always feel pressured
to give gifts back and they likekind of don't give a fuck.
Yeah, it is like a one way, the same way any love language like

(23:56):
Ryan gives acts of service. He doesn't really care about
receiving them. So like it is, it does fit that
mold, but something about it calls for an equivalence that
like. Maybe it is incorrect, but is
often assumed so anyway. You're not the.
Right back to us and tell us howthis is going.

(24:16):
Yeah, I do want to hear the follow up.
I definitely. Maybe we could do a follow up
episode. That would be cute.
OK, moving on. This show is sponsored by
Betterhelp. Yo dawg, if you're still
listening to this podcast and haven't tried therapy, I don't

(24:38):
know. I don't know if this ad's going
to work on you. I'm kind of confused that you're
even still here, to be honest. I feel like you're still here
because you might be curious about it.
So let me just break it down foryou.
Caroline and I have both talked about our positive experiences
with all different kinds of therapy.
It honestly has made all the difference with my anxiety, with
how I show up in the world, how I talk about myself, how I

(25:00):
communicate in relationships, and I really do believe that it
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for Everyone. All right, moving on, this next

(26:10):
submission is called Am I the hater for being pissed at people
who showed up to my party with all their kids?
My girls, I am a 38 year old female.
My husband, 40 year old male, threw a 40th birthday party for
my husband at her home. It started at 3:00 PM.
We put on a BBQ dinner, bring your own drinks.

(26:33):
The party was much to my dismay large.
Around 80 adults invited his friends, my friends, both our
family and his family friends. A lot of our friends have
multiple children. Side note, I'm currently three
months pregnant and it was a twoyear road to get here so it's
not like we hate kids. Only a select few friends and

(26:55):
family knew about the pregnancy before they arrived and the
party was right after all the initial scans and tests so it
was a time. So it was a great time to tell
everybody and thank God because me staying sober at this thing
would have been a huge giveaway anyway.
We figured there would be a couple people who might not be
able to find sitters for their kids and would bring them, but

(27:16):
figured they would tell us when they RSVP D, at which point we'd
remind them that we're childlessso there are no toys at our
house and it's not child proofedso plan accordingly.
We didn't mention children on the Facebook invite at all.
No one RSVP D for their children, so we worked with the
assumption that they've managed to ditch them for the afternoon

(27:37):
slash evening. We catered the whole event to
the amount of people that RSVP D.
Now imagine our surprise when his friends start turning up
with their kids. Aged all the way from toddlers
to school age. So like 6 ish 7:00-ish I guess.
They sit themselves down, get comfortable and proceed to not
watch their children who have formed a mob and proceeded to

(28:00):
run riot all over our house and yard.
They didn't bring anything to entertain them.
My brother had to stop one random kid from playing tug of
war with a tug of war with a garden hose connected to the
house. My mother had to stop another
kid from chucking a chair into the garden.
Someone pulled out my husband's croquet set and the kids were
swinging the wooden mallets at each other.

(28:21):
The balls are still missing. They ran up and down our
hallway, coming in and out of shut off rooms.
I had to confiscate my husband'sskateboard that they'd found in
a random spare room and we're riding through my living room.
I had to tell a kid not to twistthemselves up in my curtains.
The party wasn't even indoors. It was very clearly set up to be
outside in the yard. I'd closed off everything but

(28:42):
the lounge directly off said yard in case it got cold and
whatever. But it was very clear where the
party was supposed to be. There were probably about 10
kids, but it felt like many, many more with the amount of
noise and carnage in their wake.Their parents didn't get up
once, just completely ignored them until they finally took
them home after 9:00 PM. I am outraged at the audacity of

(29:06):
these breeders. Why they expect to take their
God damn crotch goblins anywherethey like and not watch them and
not bring them entertainment is completely beyond me.
I have a Labrador and if the situation were reversed and I
turned up to a dogless person's party without saying anything
and expected my dog to be fed and entertained and kept safe

(29:30):
but did nothing to facilitate that, I'd be to go fuck myself.
And rightly so I think. Am I the hater?
I fell in love when I first readthis e-mail.
I was like, this is my girl. She introed it and said my girls
this is my girl. I think the thing that is worse

(29:51):
than your friends not telling you that they were bringing
their children is the fact that they showed up and their kids
were fucking reckless. Like it's it's all bad, it's all
bad. And I'm like, you have very bold
friends. The audacity of these friends.
But it's one thing for them to show up with their kids and it's

(30:13):
another thing for them to show up with their kids.
Not have not have told you and then let them like run loose on
your house. So first of all, you're not the
hater in my mind. You are a normal person with
decency and respect and boundaries, and you've been
played. I also think that it's funny,

(30:36):
like as I talk about this, I feel the same need that this
listener wrote of like validating that I don't hate
kids just because these people. Like, the problem is not the
kids, honestly. The problem is the parent.
Totally. The kids showed up and were not.
And they were kids. You know they they know nothing
about the RSVPS for a party. They know nothing about when you

(30:56):
go to a person's house, how you're supposed to behave unless
their parents teach them and unless their parents put that
kind of structure and disciplineand support around them.
And so, yeah, it's not the kids fault.
I don't think that you hate kids.
From what you've written here. You are a reasonable person who
assumed that your friends would respect your home when you threw

(31:18):
this party and they did nothing of the sort.
And it's totally on the parents and not on you for hating kids
and not on the kids for running amok because they have shit
parents. That's just how I feel about it.
Yeah, that's my initial take. Like I I would be so mad.
I would be so mad. And I would maintain my title as

(31:39):
the lover. Yeah, you are not the hater.
I agree. Like, yeah, listen, kids are
going to show up places and they're going to be kids.
We know that. They're not going to act
perfectly or ideally their children.
It's their job to be children and that means they come with
plenty of inconveniences and loud moments and blah, blah,
blah, which is why every single of my friends who have kids,

(32:03):
which is a lot of my friends, even when I see them routinely
and they bring their kids routinely, they always check
with me before. All of them, they always check
with me before and they say something like we're bringing
their iPad or they're going to do this or like they're sick.
We can't leave them at home or blah, blah blah.
Babysitting fell through. But they always, always check.

(32:25):
They always check And I think that's that's the move.
And honestly, even if like they,these people checked and showed
up, it would make it would make the whole thing different.
I'm a little I think I'm more mind blown that so many of the
families like none of them checked about bringing their
kids. So it makes it makes me want to

(32:47):
see the Facebook invite. Was there a typo on the Facebook
invite? What happened?
But she also said that when people RSVP D they did not RSVP
D their kids, which makes me think it was like a literal
headcount RSVP of like how many people are coming.
So if they did that, I mean we don't have the details, but if
they RSVP D how many people are coming and didn't put didn't

(33:08):
count for the kids, then we get to shoot em.
We get to shoot them all. Well, I definitely think like if
this were me, the way that I do my, you know, E vites for
parties is like very specific. I say don't bring friends.
You know, I'm like, don't even bring your friend.
Don't even bring an adult personwho I have not invited if I

(33:32):
don't want that or some parties.I will say, you know, bring
anyone. It just depends on the party.
But I'll be very explicit. I think you need to You need to
put it on the invite. If you really don't like them,
there need to be. You got to put it on the invite.
So I think she's learned that lesson.
Yeah, we love your kids, but this isn't the night for them.
And if they're going to be pissyabout that, it's I don't know, I
understand people being pissy. I understand that it is hard to

(33:54):
find a sitter. It's hard to do this.
It's hard to do that totally. But I'm both are hard.
And yeah, I what do I want to say here?
I feel like it's like a single, like childless people are often
asked to have all of this empathy for what it's like to
have kids. And people with children are are

(34:17):
like not really asked. I feel, I don't know, maybe I'm
making an unfair generalization,but I feel like, well, then
people with kids can also returnthe empathy of what it's like to
just want to have a 40th birthday party without the
children. It's like, OK, there can be
empathy on both sides. Nobody's needs or situation is
really in the wrong. But I do feel very like as

(34:39):
headstrong as I personally feel about having children, I also
feel very headstrong about maintaining space for you to be
an adult person and you have to fight for it.
It is hard to do. You have to fight for that space
when you have kids and intentionally want to keep it.
And it's and it's not easy. But I just personally believe,

(35:02):
personal opinion, it is worth a lot for everyone to maintain
space for you to be like your own adult and still do adult
things that aren't always colored by having kids.
And like, of course life will look different before and after
your kids, but I've met the parents who do that, who make
sure to still have space for them to be an adult and go to an
adult party or do this or have their sanity time.

(35:24):
And I just think that's really important.
Having watched plenty of families who let themselves be
run into an asylum because kids run their lives and like the
kids are then the boss of the family.
It's, it's like horrific to see.Oh, totally.
And I mean, the thing that's weird about this to me is like,

(35:49):
you and I are aligned with this listener writing in and being
shocked and appalled that peoplebehaved in this way.
And we think about the friends that we have who have kids and
who don't have kids but want them and so on and so forth.
And like, it would be very hard for me to imagine it's this
playing out in my life because my friends are very good about

(36:13):
like checking if they can bring them or, or, you know, being
prepared with like something to entertain them or food for them
or whatever. So that's what's like shocking
to me about this is that this listener seems to have a pretty
normal head on her shoulders when it comes to this kind of
stuff, but somehow her friends are totally misaligned.
So I agree with you. Like the Facebook invite would.

(36:36):
I would love to see. It what happened to see like?
What they interpreted. Actually, can you please follow
up with the Facebook invite? As much as I want to see the
Facebook invite and I want to see like why these people
thought this would be OK, I alsothink that if nothing was
mentioned about kids at all on the invite to a 40th birthday of

(36:56):
people who don't have children, then I would still check.
Like that's the thing I would. And if I really needed to bring,
if I really couldn't get a sitter, That's the thing.
It's like this person seems reasonable.
The listener seems reasonable. I feel like if, if some of her
friends said, hey, we can't get a sitter, but we really want to
come to the party, can we bring our two kids?

(37:17):
We'll make sure that they are like kind of entertained and
fed. Then the listener would have
been probably like, sure, no problem.
Like I understand and they can come, but she's not just leaving
it like open invite open-ended and you don't have to.
You can show up and not take care of your kids.
You know what I mean? It's just like she seems
reasonable and she seems like she would have been OK with a

(37:39):
couple kids showing she. Said she was.
She said she expected some wouldcome with some kids or blah.
Blah, blah, Exactly. But it's like the fact that not
one friend did that check is shocking to me.
It's truly shocking. I don't I like I would question
my friends after that to be on. I would be like, wow, I'm really

(38:00):
misaligned with the people in mylife.
I don't want to make it bigger than it is, but I would really
it would really make me questionthings.
So she has a good sense of humorabout it and I don't know that I
would be able to. I think I would be pissed.
Yeah, I feel so tense talking about these topics because I
feel like people listening who have kids are like, you don't
understand what it's like. It's so hard.

(38:21):
We need a break and nobody cares.
And la, la, la, totally, totally.
I don't. I don't disagree things can be
true. I don't disagree and I don't
know, I just. Really wasn't a time for your
break. I mean, it's not a break because
you well it. Could it also could have been a
break if you just got a sitter? Got a sitter?

(38:42):
Yeah. And if you can't get a sitter,
that's fine. Just communicate with the
person. Nobody's saying that you can't
have your kids and that you can't bring your kids and you
can't love your kids and that your kids can't have fun and you
can't. Nobody's saying anything
negative about you being a parent and having your kids.
It's just respect other people'sspace.
Yeah, well, I do think it's like, yeah, as much as like a

(39:03):
kid obsessed person as I am, I do feel like it's unfair that
there's this kind of like trump card of priority for people who
have kids. It's like, well, whatever their
priority is wins or whatever their needs are wins.
And I you can live that way if that's what you really believe,
but you're probably going to lose a lot of friends.

(39:24):
So just know that's a consequence because that
doesn't, it doesn't really make sense If your friends needs and
priorities and desire for their kind of party will never take
priority unless they have kids, expect to lose those friends.
I don't see that as like a fairway to engage.
And yeah, it's messy and it's hard.

(39:44):
I mean, I've haven't had this conversation with friends before
of being like, Hey, I I need like an adult.
I need an adult hangout. I need the kid not to come to
this one. And it was a really hard
conversation the the multiple times we've had this
conversation. And they also were reasonable

(40:04):
people and we fucking made the way through it.
Right. Yeah.
Yeah, it's just a reality. I mean, I it's like having kids
is hard and this is one of the things that makes it hard.
Like in addition to the literal having children and raising
children and making that a part of your day-to-day life.
Yes, I acknowledge all of the aspects of that that are hard.

(40:27):
But another thing that's hard about it is maintaining your
friendships and your adult relationships and like giving
credence to who you were before and who your friends still need
you to be and people still need you to be in their life.
Like, it's hard. I get that it's hard.
It's not. Easy, but this is that's why
we're talking about it. It's a hard thing and they're

(40:48):
you, you don't get to just kind of be like, oh, it's a hard
thing and I don't want to play, you know, like, no, it's a hard
thing and you got to figure out a way to play if you want to
keep those relationships. I totally agree.
The other thing I thought of while you were saying it's kind
of a trump card sometimes is like, I was just saying this to
a Co worker who's planning to take a month off for medical

(41:12):
leave. And they need to kind of like go
through some certain protocol toget that approved and whatever.
It's a Co worker who's childlessplanning for medical leave and
feeling so anxious about the fact that she's going to take a
month off. And I was just saying to her,
like, hey, we'll figure this out.
We'll we'll make sure that it works.

(41:33):
This is time that you need for yourself for health reasons.
Like there's, there's absolutelya way to make that work.
And we will. And then I kind of reminded her
like, think about folks who takeparental leave for months and
months. The company lives on, the team
lives on, and that's a very normal thing, as it should be.

(41:54):
I believe that people should have long amounts of parental
leave available to them because that's a huge thing in your life
that you need time to focus on and recover from and rest from
and spend time with your baby. And I don't need to prove that I
think parental leave is a good thing.
OK. But it's also OK for a childless
person to take leave for whatever their needs are.

(42:16):
And I was just trying to make the parallel for her of like,
yeah. That's a great point.
It's very normal for our Co workers who have kids to leave
for four months and nobody bats an eye and we shouldn't.
And in the same way, like you can leave for a month and it has
nothing to do with kids and it'snot for a normalized reason
necessarily, but that's still OK.

(42:36):
Like you get to have whatever your thing is too.
So I feel very strongly about that.
I feel like it comes up in so many parts of life where it's
like, just because you're childless doesn't mean that you
don't have stuff going on. Doesn't mean that you don't have
you get to, you don't get to have like boundaries about the
way that your 40th birthday party goes.

(42:57):
Like you're allowed to have preferences and boundaries and
needs to, and those should be respected and not just trumped
because you're a childless person.
So anyway, for what that exampleis worth.
Great parallel. I'm also shocked that not one
fucker got up at this party and was like, wow, we're taking all
the kids to the basement and we're putting on a movie like

(43:18):
there there's a way to contain this chaos to some degree.
I do hate that when people won'tI.
I just had this experience recently and it was yeah, Wiles.
I was like, do you want me? I'll do it.
I'll put the kids in the basement.
Let me help you. That's so true.
It is really. It just keeps getting more

(43:38):
shocking. Every level of it is shocking to
sit there and just be like having fun at your friend's 40th
birthday when your child is terrorizing the living room.
This is so common, actually, I think because parents are so
exhausted and they're like, oh, I don't have to watch them here.
They're going to be entertained La La, La La.
But you're really putting that burden on someone else.
And I'm not saying like you can't.
Whatever, it's annoying. Sorry, it's annoying.

(44:00):
You went to the next. Annoying.
Yeah, this one is. Am I the hater for not wanting
to share my birthday with my mother-in-law?
Our birthdays are five days apart and she turns 50 the same
week I turn 30. She lives in Puerto Rico while
my husband and I live in Florida.
This fall I start nursing schoolin addition to turning 32nd.

(44:21):
Career. Woo Hoo.
So my time for breaks will be very limited, especially since
our birthdays will fall in September, which is a very busy
month in the academic year. For the last like 5 years I have
wanted to treat myself for an all out spa day for my 30th and
a relaxed dinner date with my husband and some cake.
My mother-in-law is wonderful and we have a great relationship

(44:41):
so she not only wants to celebrate together but is asking
us to fly back home to Puerto Rico for the weekend to
celebrate with her. I don't want to tell my husband
that I don't want to do that butI also don't want to be a bad
daughter-in-law and I also want to enjoy my own birthday and
I'll be studying as well. Should I just go?
Am I the hater? This is just extremely relatable

(45:03):
content. I don't have a mother-in-law who
has the same birthday as me. But I feel like this is this is
such a dilemma that like everybody will face once, you
know, there's some family thing that falls on a special day for
you and you're like, it's kind of robbing me of my day and what
should I do? I'm torn.

(45:24):
I mean, I don't think you're thehater.
I think this is very reasonable that you feel this way.
And I would feel this way too. And I don't think that makes you
a bad person, but I also do think like the what a do of it,
the trickiness of like, do I speak up or do I just roll with
it is tricky. I want to say like, yeah, tell

(45:45):
your husband and and try to get your birthday on your terms.
And I also know that in real life, that's really hard to do.
And it's not just like it's any birthday for the mom.
It's the 50th. It's hard that they're literally
like 2 big milestone birthdays. I know, but it's crazy to me
that one person that the mother-in-law would tell someone

(46:06):
else how they're going to spend their birthday.
No matter how close you are. Yeah, no matter how close you
are. Only maybe with my best friend
would I have the gall to tell them how they should spend their
birthday. By getting on a plane and flying
to my territory and you spendingit the way I want you to spend
it. That's very bold.

(46:27):
I don't care what it sounds like, she has a really positive,
close relationship with her mother-in-law.
That's very bold. I think that is pretty.
I think I'm feeling the hater about that.
I think that's bullshit. Yeah.
Which I I I can totally see thismother-in-law still being like
the loveliest, sweetest person and oh, she just doesn't think

(46:47):
about things other way. Or she thought I would love it
so much about and like the sweetest reasons behind it.
But like, don't do that, guys. Don't tell somebody else how to
spend, spend their milestone. That's like, why would you not
ask them how they you want to doit or why would you not?
Well, my I also, I want to know like, is it the exact day of her
birthday she has to be there because their birthdays are five
days apart? Like can I mean, it sounds like

(47:09):
it's it's all mixed together andthat's why she's torn up about
it. But I blame the mother-in-law
for putting her in this position.
And then it sounds like the husband has just taken the
request on and also put it on his wife and not asked her if
that's at all what she fucking wants too.
I blame both of them and that's why it sucks.

(47:29):
It's like 2 people you love and have a positive relationship
with and care about the relationship have done something
a little thoughtless. We don't have to shoot them for
it, but it's a little, it's a little bit of a faux pas and now
you are the one who has to figure out how do we deal with
this and that's fucking annoying.
It's annoying. You're not the hater.
I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed too, and I think the

(47:52):
part about the husband is true. I feel like he's the one I'm
most annoyed with. Yeah, mother-in-law.
It's like mother in laws are annoying.
Yeah, they don't know how to be.They don't know how to be.
There's something about too. Like she's Puerto Rican.
I feel like I have immigrant parents.
Like parents from other culturescan can be pretty presumptive.
Like, I think I can say that as someone with immigrant parents.

(48:14):
Yeah, they can be pretty presumptive.
Interesting. They can just be like, oh, I
know best about how this should be spent.
It's gonna be great. Family first.
Yeah. And so I bet you want to spend
it with your family because family first is our culture.
And like, so just come with me and we always do it together.
And I just like very much can I know this mom?
I know this mother-in-law. And so as much as it's annoying

(48:37):
and like, I wish she knew better, I also can accept that
like she is who she is and she'sshe is where she's at and you
got to meet her there. It's the husband who I'm like,
what are you doing in all of this, bro?
Like help your wife. How was this communicated?
Because the other thing I wish we had this information.
It's like, how did if the listener hear that the

(49:02):
mother-in-law wants them to cometo Puerto Rico for the birthday?
Did the mother in law's communicate it directly to the
listener and her husband? Did the mother-in-law
communicate it to the husband and then the husband
communicated it to the listener?The reason I ask is because if
the husband just came to the listener and was like, yeah, mom
wants us to come to Puerto Rico for your birthday.

(49:24):
Like what do you say? I don't know.
It's like I'm. Annoyed.
Was it an ask? Was it the mom being like, do
you guys want to or was it the mom?
I guess my point is like if the mom asked him, but then he
turned, translated it into a prerogative into a demand.

(49:46):
Like he took what his mom said as you guys need to come and
maybe the mom truly is just asking if this was like third
party information. Do you see what I'm saying?
Sort of I, I kind of feel like regardless of how it came
through, I kind of feel like I want the husband to own like he
has a different relationship with his mom.

(50:07):
Like no matter how close his wife and his mom are, I think he
should own taking this fucking burden off of his wife's, you
know? She doesn't know, I guess yet.
Like, OK, yeah, she's saying. I don't want to tell my husband.
That's crazy. That I don't want to do that.
Crazy to me. So this is like every single one

(50:27):
of these submissions we've received.
They've written out all the context and it is not hard to
empathize with being in the situation, even if you
ultimately land somewhere on a different side of the fence.
Like it's not hard to see why some of these feelings would be
in there. It is not hard.
And yet these moments happen allthe time where you're like, how

(50:49):
will anyone ever understand? It's like you just wrote it out.
Just read. Just read to him what you just
read to him what you wrote out to us.
We understand that and we don't even love you the way that your
husband does probably. Like how could he not understand
this? It is, it feels so it, it, it's
like there's all these fears about like, oh, I'm a bad

(51:10):
daughter-in-law, I'm a bad wife.I'm, I'm a bad woman.
I'm not nice. Am I selfish?
It's like what you wrote out doesn't sound bad or selfish or
hard to understand at all. How can you not share that with
your husband? Like literally sometimes for
really hard things, take notes with you.
I take my notes. If I think it's going to be hard
for me to remember all the context and things I want to

(51:31):
share and what it means to me, I'll just say like, I might have
to read my notes for this because this is hard for me to
talk about about. And like, I do not see, I don't
know why you couldn't talk to your husband about this.
And I'm, I mean, do we want to move on to like what I would do?
Yeah, let's move on to it. What to what to do?
What to do with it? I don't She is not the hater.

(51:54):
I'm annoyed. She's not the hater.
I'm annoyed. And the last thing I'll say on
YEAH, to validate that she's notthe hater before we make it more
of a what to do. I think it would be reasonable
if all of the context was the same and you remove either your
birthday or your nursing school thing.

(52:16):
As in, if the mother-in-law wants you to come to Puerto Rico
and you can't just because it's your birthday and you want to do
something else, that is enough. On the flip side, if the
mother-in-law wants you to come to Puerto Rico and you can't
because you're starting nursing school that month, that's enough
of a reason. Like basically what I'm saying
is you have double the reasons. You don't even need a reason If

(52:38):
you don't want to, you don't gotto go, but you now have like
triple. It's like you don't need a
reason. And then it's your birthday and
then you're starting nursing school.
You have so much ammo in the tank of like the reason why this
just doesn't make sense and isn't what you want.
And should be a very understandable thing to say no
to. So that's from an objective

(53:00):
point of view, like that's just the facts.
That's just the facts. Now it doesn't make it easy to
communicate that, but those are the facts of the situation.
OK, so. The the way I feel is that like
I think it should be in a way, Ithink it should be easy to
communicate this to your partner, to your husband.
I think it should be you just explained it to us.
I feel like I completely get what you're saying.

(53:21):
Totally. Even if you still end up going
to Puerto Rico, I would still explain how you feel to him
about it. Now expecting the mother-in-law
to get all of this is that's notnecessarily a given mothers and
mothers in law and it's a different relationship.
I don't necessarily think like alot of mothers or mother-in-law

(53:45):
or whoever would empathize on the same level, whatever.
But your husband, I think shouldat least understand how you're
feeling and the way I think. I'll give an example.
There was well, like over a yearago, Justin and I started
talking about wedding things. And as I've mentioned, he is

(54:08):
Catholic and I am very not Catholic.
And he told me he wanted to havelike the wedding ceremony in a
Catholic Church, which I wasn't stoked about.
But I also was like, you know, Idid the same self talk to me
about like, oh, is that selfish of me?
It's just a ceremony. It's just some ritual that I

(54:31):
don't think means much. So would it be selfish of me?
Like I can just, I can just tolerate the ceremony.
Like I can just do that. That'll be my gift to him.
It doesn't mean anything to me because I, this isn't my
religion. So like, whatever, I'll just go
do something. We'll get married.
It doesn't mean to me anything to me.
We can go have our reception, whatever.

(54:53):
And so at first, I, I kind of ignored my feelings about like,
this doesn't sit that well with me or I just don't want it.
I just didn't want it. But I, I also just had decided
that my feeling of not wanting it wasn't valid enough.
And so I was like, yeah, we can do that.
It's OK. It's just a ceremony.
And then I sat with that for a few months and there were a

(55:14):
couple incidents, I can't even remember what they were, but
some incidents of interaction ormaybe we were talking about
religion or I, I truly don't remember what they were that
these moments happened with Justin.
And I noticed this little spark of resentment in me, a little
spark of resentment that I traced back to, but I'm giving
you a Catholic wedding and I'm, and I am so afraid of having

(55:38):
resentment in a relationship because I know that doesn't go
away and it doesn't turn into something good.
And so I noticed these little sparks of resentment coming up
that and, and in my head I was going, but I gave you a Catholic
wedding. Like when he, you know, when I
was feeling robbed of something.And so I was like, fuck, I need
to talk to him about this. And I eventually sat down with
him and basically what I'd planned to say and what I did

(56:01):
say was like, I need to talk to you about this.
And let me be clear, I will do the Catholic wedding.
I'm ready to do it. I'm I've agreed to do it.
I'm going to do it. But I need you to know what it
means to me. And I need you to know what it
costs me because it does cost mesomething.
It's not the end of the world. We can still have an amazing

(56:22):
marriage. It's just a ceremony.
I know that it's just a ritual. So it's not everything.
And I'm not going to die in thishill.
But I'm noticing that it does mean something to me.
And I'm noticing this little bitof like anger, resentment that I
really don't want to build between us.
So I just want you to understandthat this is actually pretty
painful and insulting to me. And and so I like told him this

(56:46):
whole thing. And then at the end of it, he
was like, whoa, OK, didn't know you felt that way about it.
Like if I had. No, I thought you just felt
neutrally about the church because you, it like it didn't
mean anything to you. I didn't know it meant that.
And he was like, and if you feelthat way, then we're not doing
it. Like obviously we're not doing
it and it wasn't to resent thingand it wasn't whatever,
whatever. We found another like middle

(57:08):
ground option. But to me, there was like, and
that was a really nice response from him, but I wasn't even, I
didn't even need that response, truly.
What I needed was for him to know what the sacrifice involved
there felt like and what it was costing me.
Because if I didn't explain thatto him, then later, that's when

(57:31):
you have resentment because you're like, but I gave this
thing that I didn't want to giveand you took it well.
Your partner can't know that yougave so selflessly unless you
tell them that it it feels like that to you.
So to me, I feel like the key here is like, maybe you still go
to Puerto Rico because I do think, you know, it's, it's easy

(57:51):
to say like if you don't want tospend your birthday that way,
you don't have to spend your birthday that way.
But the reality is there are relationships we care about.
There are relationships we want to maintain and you do sacrifice
for them sometimes. So I feel like whether you go or
not, I would just urge you to definitely tell your husband all
the reasons that you are really looking forward to.

(58:14):
A moment to celebrate with him, a moment to relax, to pause when
you're about to start a new career who cannot understand
that Your husband of all people should understand that and how
much you've been looking forwardto that.
I wonder if a lot of this, like,anticipation has been just
private in your head and you think he knows, but maybe he
doesn't know it all. Kind of like Justin didn't

(58:34):
really know my feelings about this Catholic.
That happens. So much where like, you've
thought about it so much, you talk to yourself about it so
much that you think it's just like a known thing at this point
because it exists so like forcefully in your head.
And that's how I felt. I was shocked.
I was like, you didn't know. I felt this way.
Like I feel like I've exploded about this a lot.

(58:56):
But he didn't know. And I'm and then even if you
still like, I think if you do that, you can still decide
intentionally to go to Puerto Rico, if that's what you end up
doing. If if that aligns with your
values of like I did want this other birthday, but I'm also
willing to make the sacrifice because this part of me cares

(59:17):
about doing this thing for my mother-in-law or because this is
the kind of person I am that I care about maintaining this.
And then you can make that decision intentionally know why
you're doing it. I'm doing it because I have this
value and I care about upholdingthis thing and I will make this
sacrifice. And I just want my boy, my
husband to know that this is a sacrifice and I'm making it and

(59:39):
this is what it feels like. And maybe we can find some other
compromise of how to celebrate later, or maybe you don't go to
Puerto Rico at all. But I feel like the major step
is like, you need to let him know the resentment that you're
going to have about this, or really just what it means to
you. I think that's really, really
well said. And I think the resentment in
this situation could look like, you know, the holidays come and

(01:00:01):
his family wants you to go to Puerto Rico again, but you would
rather do something else or you would rather be with your family
and to you. There's a scoreboard of like,
well, I sacrificed my birthday to be with his mom.
I don't want to sacrifice this other thing to go do it again.
We already took care of his family.
Now I want to take care of mine or something.

(01:00:21):
And that's how the resentment starts to build when you don't
communicate exactly what this trade off means to you.
So yeah, I totally agree. It doesn't mean you don't go to
Puerto Rico. You might end up going there.
There's spas there. I hope that there's.
Spas there. You know, but like, but like I'm
going there in a few months and I plan to go to a spa.
So I know for sure that there are spas there.

(01:00:42):
But but what you do need to do is communicate what that trade
off means to you, because if you're just holding that, then
that's how it shows up later. And then that's creating like a
ripple effect issue for you and your husband that he's, first of
all not even aware of at this point.
And yeah, sure, maybe you wish that he was aware of it.
You think he should be. You're like, he knows me well

(01:01:03):
enough that he should know. OK.
We're not mind readers. We're not mind readers.
No, you got that. This is the communication thing
all the time. Like, you know, you talked about
keeping score of this trade off.He probably, he likely doesn't
even know it's a trade off. And then, yeah, that Christmas
will come around and he'll be like, but you.
Had so much fun in Puerto Rico. Why are you?

(01:01:25):
Pissed about that now because you didn't tell him.
Done. We killed that.
Done murdered it. All right, listen up, kooks.
I have said in the past that I believe you to be a smelly
audience. I believe that we have
aggregated a group of people here who know what it's like to

(01:01:46):
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(01:02:27):
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They make you walk with, you know, the lower part of your
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(01:03:33):
to toe with Lumi. OK, let's do some of these rapid
fires 'cause they're fun. Oh, a rapid fire.
OK, what are the rules for rapidfire?
OK, so let me know what you think of this.

(01:03:54):
We are never rapid fire and I think with this list of rapid
fires in front of me, like I'm gonna want to talk about some of
them in more detail. We.
Can't be allowed to. We can't be allowed.
I think we can do a compromise. I think what we could do is we
could give a rapid fire answer. And I was thinking we could do
it in the format you did in thatrecent video that I liked where

(01:04:15):
you did like I'm going to give 3words on these men's rooms on
Reddit. Remember when you did that?
I loved the three word thing. So we can each give 3 words for
the rapid fire and then we couldbe done.
Or we could say let's keep talking.
Yeah, we. Made-up the rules so we can
break them. We're in charge.
It's our podcast. Yeah, that's how it works.

(01:04:36):
It's our podcast. OK, OK, so wait, what are we?
Are we responding Because these are am I the hater questions.
So we're still saying yes or no,you're the hater.
And then we give 3 words. Sure, yeah, you can say yes or
no to if they're the hater and then 3 words to elaborate.
OK, cool. Yeah, hit me.
OK. Am I the hater if I think daddy

(01:04:59):
daughter dates are creepy and I hate the idea of them?
I'm. Gonna say yes you're the hater
and then I'm gonna say I get it.I say yes, you're the hater and
why use daddy? Like why did we have to name?
Why did we have to refer to themas daddy daughter dates?
You're automatically making it creepier if I'm hanging out with

(01:05:20):
my dad. Daddy Poppy, I had a daddy
daughter date this week and it was fucking so cute.
But did you call it that? No, I called it Poppy baby.
Poppy baby date. Poppy baby date little sweet
baby. Make them like it better.
Yeah, Poppy baby date. OK, am I the hater if I don't

(01:05:43):
get out of the way when a line of people are walking towards me
on the sidewalk? No, you are not the hater.
Correct, 'cause it's a line that's 4 words.
If it is a group of people, y'all are responsible for not
being obnoxious. If it's just two people you know
approaching me on the sidewalk, I think this responsibility is

(01:06:03):
shared. I will, I will fucking, I will
fucking clothing line you with my arms like I will.
You know I I will run right through you.
Yeah I totally agree, you're notthe hater and fuck those people
are my 3 words. Can I tell you something else
crazy? This is hater behavior.
I'm so I've gotten really sick of the moms are really going to

(01:06:28):
get me for this episode. I've gotten really sick of
children. I'm I'm going to say over the
age of 3 running around hanky panky style expecting everyone
to move out of their way. Like if you are old panky.
Style. Does that mean naked?
Hanky, I think hanky panky actually means like sexy dirty
time. I'm what I mean is Willy nilly.

(01:06:48):
Someone's corrected me on that before.
I am fucking over a child over the age of 3 running around
Willy nilly style, expecting adults to get out of their way.
Basically, if you, these children are old enough to know
that they can't run into a wall so you have spatial
understanding and it's just the self centeredness that is
inherent in being a child. But I don't give a fuck.

(01:07:09):
So this is the public service that I'm doing is that I'm no
longer getting out of the way for children over the age of
three. I will run them down.
I'm doing it all the time in thestreets, in restaurants, in
hallways, in crowded areas. I'm going to, I'm teaching the
children of the world to start paying attention to their
surroundings, to start having a little bit of self-awareness
because I'm knocking them to theground.
I'm not getting out of your way.I'm.
That's why you're a St. I am a St.

(01:07:30):
Thank you. Next question.
Some of these are like so, so I'm going to skip to ones I
really like. Speaking of kids, am I the hater
for feeling sad slash sometimes annoyed when women with kids
cannot talk about anything else?It's a tough one for me.

(01:07:52):
It's a tough one. For me, 'cause she said sad
slash annoyed. That's very much about her
experience. I must say.
You're not the hater for me, because me too, Yeah, is what
I'm going to say. And I'll learn that.
That doesn't mean don't talk about your kids.
I love hearing about your kids, but if it's the only thing.

(01:08:13):
Look how scared we are of moms. Still, do what you want we.
Are so scared of the moms, Yeah.Oh, the moms have come for me.
Listen up, I have a mom. I love mom.
I can still feel sad and annoyedwhen you do what you do.
That doesn't mean you got to stop doing what you're doing.
But I can have my reaction to it, and that's just how I feel.

(01:08:36):
I've told you this before, but literally I'm so excited to have
kids because then I feel like I get a free pass on criticizing
mom behavior that annoys me because people right now are
just like, well, you're not mom so you don't know.
That is nothing to fucking do with.
That has nothing to do with it. I'm a human being with eyes,
okay, and the. Reason.
It's the only reason I think sometimes about.
Not having kids so. That I can talk about it, yeah.

(01:08:57):
So I can have an opinion on the matter.
So annoying. Yeah, I guess you're not the
hater. Yeah, I feel, I feel bad for the
moms. I feel bad for the moms and it's
annoying to be around. I think the way that I feel the
judgement I have is just like, oh, there's another way.
There is another way. And I wish I could like I wish I
could like help them is how I feel.

(01:09:21):
It's just like, I know a lot of moms who do talk about other
things. I think that's how I feel like
when you say there's another way, I can hear someone saying,
no, there's not. This is my whole life and
there's not another way. But The thing is that I know a
lot of parents. I actually judge that.
I basically judge anyone who makes one thing their entire
life, including your kids. And a lot of people are people

(01:09:41):
are going to unsubscribe for this, but I come from that
watching, you know, parents, a mom who did that and I saw how
fucking miserable it made her and I've seen it.
This is not a rare occurrence like moms who make raising kids
their whole world and they completely abandoned any other

(01:10:02):
sources of fulfillment in their life.
I'm not saying it's easy to mainother sources maintain other
sources of fulfillment of your life, but it's good for you.
Going to the gym also isn't easy, but it's good for you.
And I've just seen how many mothers it destroys.
Like, I, I literally my judgement of it is like, I judge

(01:10:23):
making your children your whole and exclusive point of
fulfillment. I judge it the same way I judge
someone who doesn't eat well, well, doesn't maintain their
relationships and doesn't go to the gym.
Like I judge both of those. I think it's bad for you.
That's basically how I feel. I think it's really bad for you.
Yeah. And I've seen it done otherwise.
So it's just like, I know you can you can find something.

(01:10:44):
You can find one other thing to talk about.
All right, this is kind of like gives me similar vibes to what
we were just saying. Am I the hater for being tired
of girls only events? Let me bring my husband.
He's your friend too. I agree, not the hater but I
feel like so many of my friends disagree with me.
I disagree. Here's the thing this person

(01:11:06):
said. Let me bring my husband.
He's your friend too, but not his friend too.
She's. Not saying to all of them.
She's saying like to some. Of them.
That's why I'm confused. Because she's saying he's your
friend too. That means he comes sometimes in
order to be their friend too. He comes sometimes.
So why can't you allow for girlsonly events?
And it sounds like. Well, you know, maybe it's like

(01:11:28):
at parties and stuff, people have met each other.
Like I just had a conversation with one of my girlfriends about
this. How like we've like this girl
group of four, we all have husbands, boyfriends, whatever.
And the boyfriends all know eachother because we've met at
fucking parties or Christmas or whatever the fuck random shit.
But they never come. I would say we only have girls
only events. It's like maybe once a year the
guys come so they know who each other is and they can hang out.

(01:11:51):
But we even she brought it up. She was like, I wish they could
just like casually show up more sometimes.
I mean, but can't you make that happen if you guys feel that
way? I guess it's different.
It's like tonight I'm going out with my friends and I explicitly
said to Ryan, I don't want you to come.
I love you. I love hanging out with you.
And I feel like that's what and my friends love you and love

(01:12:13):
hanging out with you. I guess maybe I don't have
enough of those like at this current juncture in my life
where I'm like gracious and precious and I want more of them
and so. So you don't have that many of
them. I'm saying I live in a world
where. It's yeah, you have a lot of
them. It's only girl hanging out all
the time. Time.
Yeah. It's like this listener is tired
of them. It's like, let's have.
Some different, I guess it's. It's got some cops.

(01:12:33):
Spectrum. Where do you fall on the light,
on the spectrum of how often you're doing it?
I depending on where you fall, you can have a different answer.
I still lean the way that I leaned, which is like just
somebody who's asking about this, I'm assuming, and judging
a little bit that they're that person that's like always

(01:12:54):
asking, can I bring Tom? And it's like dog, no, you
can't. Like maybe every once in a
while, yes, when when Steve and Joe are also coming.
But tonight is a girls night. And if you don't want to come to
girls night and you'd rather stay home and hang out with Tom,
that's your prerogative. But if you're coming, it's Girls

(01:13:16):
night. I guess I just have a bit of a
judgment about this thing. I what I hear you saying is that
we need to have some nights thatare protected as girls nights.
Agree. And the listener isn't
disagreeing with that either. We do need to have some
protected girls nights. And then we have like other
nights that it's like all the girls bring all their boys.
Great. Let me that happens fucking once

(01:13:38):
in a blue moon. Because then, like with my group
of eight, my group of four, we're trying to sync up eight
people's schedules. So it happens once a year maybe.
And what my friend Ashley and I were talking about over the
weekend is we wanted to try adding a middle option where we
still keep girls nights. We still keep, you know, the
full Halloween party where everybody comes.

(01:14:00):
But then we're going to communicate to our other girlies
that like there's some days where the four of us girls are
hanging out and we say open invitation to whatever boys are
around and, and that they are welcome to come because all
these boys are like nice boys who can hang.
They don't like, I think any oneof them would show up if it's
even if they're the only guy. And so we're going to have these

(01:14:22):
middle ground open invitation where it's like if one or two
guys are free come, you don't have to wait for all four of the
guys to come. And it's just nice.
I mean, because the the alternative is like my friend
Ashley brought this up to me 'cause she was like, I feel like
I don't get to see Justin ever. Like I never hang out with him.
And then you guys are getting married and you're one of my
best friends and blah blah, blah.
And personally, I felt very self-conscious and aware of

(01:14:45):
like. Don't bring the boy unless he's
invited. But I think we need a middle
ground of being like, this is anopen invite to the boys.
They don't have to come. Maybe only to come but it's
like, OK, I feel like I only superficially know all of my
friends husbands and they're my best friends.
And it's lame. Yeah, OK.
I get that. I understand and appreciate

(01:15:07):
that. I think my friend group happens
to have a lot of the middle ground you're talking about.
OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We gather and if somebody's partner is available, they come.
If somebody's partner is not available, they don't come.
And so we have a lot of mixed. That sounds fun.
And so I've been craving, which is fun, but I've been craving
like, OK, I just want to be withmy friends.

(01:15:28):
Like give me the hug, which I doone-on-one.
I do a lot of one-on-one stuff with friends, but it's rare that
I'm in a group hang with just mygirlfriend.
It's very special. It's like the the group hangs
are always a mixed bag. So that's we're just yeah, this
is a very like projecting your own current experience one which

(01:15:50):
is good. OK, what else?
What else am I the hater for? Not wanting to go to my sister
in It's giving buy me another present.
Yeah, no, you're not the hater. Not you're not the hater.
I mean, I think wedding showers,baby showers are all weird
anyway, unless you're literally in need.
Like you can have a wedding shower or a baby shower with no

(01:16:12):
gifts. Yeah, registries are bizarre to
me. You can have gifts if you want,
but I feel like especially wedding showers I feel like are
so fucking weird where it's justlike bridal showers that's
whatever the fuck they're called.
Like most people still have these very like traditional
weird bridal showers where it's all women just sitting up there
with one woman in a throne and we're gifting her cleaning

(01:16:33):
supplies and cooking supplies and things that she can do more
household labor. I think it is so fucking weird
that we still do this shit. Don't buy me a fucking vacuum.
Don't bring me a fucking KitchenAid.
Like, are you kidding me? If you want to get me something,
it better be jewelry. Why are we doing this?
And we're all, we all are livingwith our fucking partners

(01:16:54):
already anyway. We have a home.
Like, I think it's weird. That's how I feel about that
stuff. I'm like, why am I buying you
sheets I've talked about? This why am I buying you?
On wedding registries, why am I buying my friends who have lived
together for five years sheets? I don't understand.
Like first of all, I wouldn't buy you sheets even if you were
just moving in together. That's a weird ass thing for me
to buy you. And second of all, you already

(01:17:16):
have three sets of sheets because you used, you know, one
of our discount codes and you don't need.
It and the sheets are fucking ugly.
These, these people. I can't get over these people.
I will. I won't do it.
I can't do it. When people put ugly furniture
on their wedding registry, I'm not paying for that.
I'm not paying for that. I don't choose something off the
registry that I don't like because it's from me.

(01:17:38):
If you're going to use that thing every day, and I know that
you're using that. I don't want it in your.
House I. Wish I wish there was a registry
option where you could bid against other things people want
to pay for if a lot of people are.
Bidding. Yeah, down vote.
You don't get to fucking have that in your house.
Yeah, I do. Like, I mean, there's just so
many other options. Some people do do like the

(01:17:58):
honeymoon fund or why can't we help with the house down
payment? I'm not opposed to that.
I think a lot of wedding guests get really, like up on their
high horse about like, well, I don't want to just give money.
I don't want to just give a check.
OK, so this gift is more about you than it is about actually
helping these people who alreadyhave towels and already have
cheats. Like I'll give you a check.
I totally agree. I don't care.

(01:18:19):
I totally agree. Yeah.
It's like, that's just what what's useful and they're
spending money on like you, you at their wedding.
And that's just how it freaking goes.
But I guess baby showers are like a little different.
I mean, I would definitely have a baby shower.
I'm, I think it's, is nice, the baby showers I've been to where
like, Oh my God, all the other older moms are like so wet to

(01:18:41):
remind you that they were moms once.
It's so annoying. And but it is nice when people
get to be like, oh, this thing was really helpful for pumping
or like, I really loved this andthat was a game changer 'cause
you don't really know. So I guess that's nice, but baby
#2 dog. Yeah, well, I can't tell in
this. I don't even think it's baby #2
I think it's she had two baby showers for the same pregnancy.

(01:19:04):
That's how I read it. Not wanting to go to my sister's
second baby shower so I'm thinking she had.
To do, I think that's, I think it's a second baby.
Yeah, I guess that. Either way, Either way, it's
stupid. Either way, no.
Well, I think they're both you already have.
Both. Stuff from the first shower,
whether it was first baby or thefirst shower, you're done.
You're done. Yeah.

(01:19:25):
OK, let's find one or two more. I liked this one.
Am I the hater If there's peopleI'd want to be friends with?
But I'm so annoyed by their friends, so no.
Lol. I'm just giggling.
Just giggles. Yeah, I understand the feeling,
but I think you're stupid to acton it.

(01:19:46):
I think you are the hater and I like that you're the hater.
That's what I'm going to say. Like you're the hater and I
approve are my 3 words I. I think I probably dislike
almost all of my closest friendsfriends.
I dislike a lot of my their other friends.
Other friends? Yeah.
When my closest friends like a lot of my closest friends, like,
you know, they have multiple yeah friend groups and I don't

(01:20:08):
connect with, I don't connect with any of them.
That's why they're in my own friend group of my people who I
like totally. I don't think I I don't really
like any of my friends other friend groups.
I, yeah, I have some that I like, some that I don't like.
I depending on the closeness with my friend, I will be pretty
vocal about like, yo, I don't like, I don't like that person

(01:20:29):
you hang out with. Yeah.
You don't like them like they'rebad?
I think usually I just think they're annoying.
I don't think I have any friendsthat I'm like, well, you
shouldn't be friends, no. Yeah, no, not in that way, but
more like if I keep getting invited to hang out like with
Kai, we are so close that we transcend groups with each other
a lot of the times. So like it's the two of us and

(01:20:52):
we're in a lot of different iterations of friend groups
together. And then she'll be friends with
like my friends from, or she's from college, my friends from
work and she'll I'll be friends with her friends from law school
and whatever. So there's a lot of overlapping
rings, but there are certain friend groups of hers that I
just like, don't enjoy. And I've been very and but I'll

(01:21:13):
get invited. So I've had to be clear of like,
yeah, I'm just not gonna go withyou when you don't need to feel
like you need to invite me to those anymore.
Like, I don't, I just don't vibewith that group and you're on
your own, you know? Was she insulted at all, or was
she weirded out at all? No, I think she kinda got it.
She was like, yeah, it's very specific, like 'cause especially

(01:21:36):
if it's groups that formed a little bit out of convenience,
like if you were all in school together, if you were all like
in some phase of life together and you've just stayed a group
for longer. But maybe life has taken you in
different directions. It doesn't mean you don't have
anything to connect on or it doesn't mean it's worth letting
go of. You could very happily keep that

(01:21:58):
group for a long time, but it may just not reflect like
current day you as much as it did at the time when you became
friends with them. And I feel like that that
happens a lot. And I don't really like part of
that. I don't really like the version
of people when they're with someof those old friends that bring
certain things out in them, you know?

(01:22:20):
Yeah, yeah. It is so funny to me to just
think about like how there's so many different dimensions of
each of us that we need people to connect with like I have.
I don't know, the friends I laugh the most with, the friends
I do therapy the most with, the friends I do childhood nostalgia
with, the friends I bitch with. Yeah.

(01:22:43):
Or like Justin. Justin.
Justin has like a friend or two that I, I don't ever need to see
again and that like all they do is talk about like philosophy
and like political this and likewarfare strategy.

(01:23:03):
And I am, I want to blow my brains out and I am so happy
that he has these friends so he has an outlet for this side of
him that I will never satisfy. I will never, I will never talk
to you about these things and I'm so glad you have a couple

(01:23:26):
really annoying friends that youcan do that with.
And please don't. Don't invite me.
Hang out with. Don't fucking invite me.
Yeah, I'm so happy for you. Don't fucking invite me.
Totally. I think that's very healthy.
I have that with a lot of my friends and I think it's the
right way. And they have it with me, too.
I'm sure you know, they might say no to things, yeah.

(01:23:46):
I feel like it's the exception that you meet one of your
friend's friends and that you love them.
It's always weird. You're like, Oh my God, she's
amazing. So it's like an exception that
that. Happens, I think definitely like
loving them and connecting with them on that same level is an
exception. Yeah, I am very, I think I've
been told that this is unique and not, and a lot of people
don't do this. Like I love bringing my friends

(01:24:08):
together. I love bringing my friends from
different parts of my life together, like having the big
birthday party and having peoplemeet each other and making it an
annual thing so they see each other a lot.
Or inviting people to a happy hour with like, it's all my work
friends. But then you come too.
Like I really enjoy bringing people together and I have had

(01:24:28):
pretty good luck that my friendsgenerally like each other, but
does that mean they're like besties and texting each other
separately? No, very rarely.
PSI have to go. OK.
Sorry I'm gonna be late. OK, OK, OK, you can go the last
one was am I the hater if no other no other podcast does it

(01:24:49):
for me like you do wink face andI felt that that was the right
note to send it off on you're the.
Lover. You're not, and you're the
lover, but you're also the hater, and that's why you belong
here. Take them.
Out. Sorry that was so abrupt.
I didn't have to go. No, it was.
Good. Just you do that.
I'm going to be. Late this is it.
This is the end send this to somebody who loves to hate with
you. This is the place for haters.

(01:25:11):
All are welcome in this place. We love you we'll see you next
week follow up with us if you have a follow up to one of these
M of the hater bits. We will share it in an upcoming
episode. We are waiting on pins and.
Needles. OK, bye, bye.

(01:25:33):
Wait, do you want me to read this one and then you can
respond first? Or do you prefer to read it?
No, I really don't. I it's a.
Lot of pressure.

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117. Am I the Hater? | Annoying Children, Demanding In-Laws, and Quiet Resentment

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}117. Am I the Hater? | Annoying Children, Demanding In-Laws, and Quiet Resentment