May 22, 2025 • 64 mins
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/notforeveryone today to get 10% off your first month.
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Babies, it’s time to get in touch with your rage. This week, Jess and Caroline talk about feeling rage for yourself and on behalf of others, why we’re actually happier in our 30s, and the freedom you feel when you don’t worry what others think about you.
Then a listener WHATADO leads them to discuss the chasm between friends in different life stages, the pressures of marriage, and how to connect even when your life feels so different from your friend’s. Plus, stay tuned for an R-rated sex hack, thoughts on psychedelic research, and more about the new summer series. Kisses!
This episode was produced by our prince, Abi Newhouse (@abinewhouse).
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Intro Music: “Doja Dance” by PALA
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DISCLAIMER: All opinions are our own. We are not therapists or health professionals, or professional of any kind, really. Please see your own professional or counselor for professional support. Do your research and be safe!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I know that I'm a person that doesn't want kids.
I also know that most of my friends do want kids and so I
know in like 5 years life's going to look pretty different
between me and them. It just keeps changing and
something about that gives me a lot of comfort.
(00:24):
Hey, welcome back y'all. This is Not for everyone.
Which is a podcast hosted by your Big Sisters.
We got one sister who's a hater,that's me, Caroline.
One sister who's a lover. That's Hessica.
Hi. Hi.
Wow, what? A5 What is up with that, hey?
I don't know. I was trying to like inhabit the
(00:47):
lover of it all last night when I was going to sleep, I was
thinking about US naturally, youactually had texted me as I was
getting ready for bed, a cookie cutter that you saw on Reddit,
per our conversation on the podcast last week.
So I fell asleep thinking about you.
And I was thinking how we've talked many a time about the
(01:10):
lover hater moniker for the podcast.
And like, you know, I even though I'm the lover, I can be a
hater. Even though you're the hater,
you're a loving person. You can be the lover and I was
thinking about more recently howyou've been very you've been
very positive. You've had a lot of like you've
had a lot of like positivity about life.
(01:33):
You know I'm. Sorry.
Yeah. It and I on the other hand have
been not negative, but maybe more negative than my moniker
would suggest. I just think that we are
consistently inhabiting the opposite.
Lately I feel like you've been more of a lover and I've been
more of a hater and I wanted to name it and that's all.
And maybe challenge you to show up to come back.
(01:59):
I need to grow back into my hating, yeah.
I think I also had just watched your newest YouTube video about
moving and you ended it by saying something about like, you
know, you were saying something positive about life, like life
is good right now. And then you're like, I, I feel
I'm like judging myself for saying this.
I hate, you know, like it makes me feel self-conscious to talk
(02:21):
about positive things. And then you like hung up the
phone. You hung up, you ended the
YouTube video. So yeah, you've just been,
you've been a lover lately. And I've been crabby in this
office in my little corner, complaining to myself everyday.
Yeah. About work.
Mostly about work. Oh yeah, crab is a big part of
me too, though. I feel like I'm I, well, yeah,
(02:45):
obviously I think lover and hater is in all of us.
The way I think of hater is morejust like I don't feel pressured
to, to like and endorse things that I, I think a lot of people
feel pressured to like and endorse, but I also don't think
they like them either, you know what I mean?
But one thing I've been grappling with a lot recently is
(03:06):
like, I mean, I do feel really happy and I, I've always been a
pretty positive person despite the criticism.
Like those don't feel at odds tome.
But I also have a lot of rage like that's what's in me.
And it was kind of named in therapy recently.
And I've just been kind of thinking about that the last
week or two. Like all this rage that I have,
(03:31):
which really I think pretty directly comes from like my past
and my childhood. And I think it's what bubbles
underneath anything, anything that gets me really riled up is
this rage that I'm like sometimes not on not very
accepting of and or I think is like not acceptable or people
(03:55):
won't like it or I need to button it down or my friends
won't accept it. And I think it's definitely been
a part of like what keeps distance from between me and
people a lot of the time thinking there's not space for
that. And I'm, and I don't know, I've
just been like thinking a lot recently about like, yeah, I
have a lot of rage and just accepting that.
(04:15):
And I'm. And then today it was funny.
I had my group therapy, which I loved, and I know you wanted to
hear more about it. So I was kind of thinking of
sharing. Like the last two weeks I was
thinking about like, OK, I have a lot of rage.
I have a lot of rage. I'm going to accept that it is a
part of me, clearly. Like denying that doesn't really
(04:37):
get me anywhere. Whether I think it's ugly or
it's not. Like denying a fact about me
doesn't get me anywhere. Like it's here, it's a part of
me. And then I went to group therapy
today and like 3 different people shared giant and
difficult things that were happening with them and in the
way I was interacting with them.They ended up being, they ended
(04:58):
up like getting in touch with their feelings of rage.
And one girl was literally like,you know, she was talking about
some difficulty with her fiance or her boyfriend and she was
like, God, like I wish like you Caroline could come with me to
talk to him because like, I can't do this.
Like it when you say it, it's sosimple, blah, blah, blah.
And, and this kind of happened with like 3 different
(05:20):
conversations with different people in the group.
And it actually, it felt really good.
I was like, I think I was like, yes, OK, I have a lot of rage
and I think I'm better. I'm getting better at just
owning it and understanding it and understanding like where
it's destructive and where it's really helpful.
(05:40):
And in this group therapy, I felt like, well, this is the
part of it that's really helpful.
I feel like a rage medium for people like, rather than a
medium who, like, host the seance to get you in touch with
your dead relatives. I felt like a medium who gets
people in touch with their healthy rage that they're like
denying or depressing or like repressing or like feeling
(06:02):
shame, ashamed about or like thinking, oh, I can't talk to
someone about this. And it was kind of a nice
feeling where I was like, oh, this can be.
This can be a superpower too. Like I, I want to help.
Yeah. I want to help women get in
touch with like their earned rage kind of.
And so I'm, I don't know, I've just like kind of been thinking
(06:22):
about that recently. Yeah.
I'm curious what you were sayingto them.
Like just stuff like, doesn't that make you so mad or like you
need to express to this person how that fills you with anger or
like what? What are the prompts that would
come up in therapy or even like apply that to a conversation
with a friend or whatever, whereyou feel like those are the
(06:45):
prompts that help you help a person get in touch with this
'cause I totally see that for you.
I have, no, I have no, like, I don't know.
There's, it feels very natural to me to to be like, yeah,
Caroline's good at that, but I'mtrying to figure out how that
actually comes into play. Yeah, well, they were like a
(07:06):
couple different scenarios. One woman was talking about like
her boyfriend she's been with for almost a decade and they
live together and, you know, they're deeply they're either
you probably have a fucking common law marriage now.
And I'm she was talking about how like a friend of hers got
(07:26):
engaged recently and that just brought up a lot of feelings.
And I was like, oh, what are thefeelings?
And she was like, well I'm not engaged and I really don't know
why. And I went to this wedding
recently and everybody there comes up and asks me why hasn't
my boyfriend proposed yet? They I was, she was like, I was
asked 9 times and he was only asked twice and they're his
(07:48):
friends. Wow wow, wow, wow.
And she's like and now. I have reached.
I know I'm mad. Yeah.
And she was like, and. And now I'm the one who has to
like play interference for him. And the reality is like, I don't
know. Like, I don't know why he hasn't
proposed. You know what?
I haven't gotten a good answer. And actually, why am I the one?
And yeah, we were just kind of going back and forth about that.
(08:10):
And she like. And I was just like, yeah,
'cause this is this and that, that, that.
And like, there's this funny feeling where, you know, 'cause
I related to this, not with Justin, but in a past
relationship where we were get together for a very long time.
I moved across the country for him.
I had to start a new career. I moved in with his parents.
(08:32):
I was doing like Hospice care with for his dad.
We ended up moving into a home together.
We got a dog together. It's like, I've pretty much let
you take over my entire life andand you obviously are into
commitment 'cause you obviously want me around, but there's this
other thing that I'm not allowedto ask about.
There's like some feelings as a woman of being like, well, I
(08:54):
don't want to be seen being desperate.
I don't want to be seen fucking.Why?
And it like it feels shameful orit feels like you don't want to
be seen wanting it or you don't have to ask for it.
And, and it's also so funny to like be mad at this person that
you're like, I'm mad 'cause I love you, you idiot.
I'm mad 'cause I want to spend the life with you.
And like you're, you're getting to Playhouse with me and you're
(09:16):
getting everything you want. And I'm in a very vulnerable
situation now, like, and, and it's weird to grapple with those
feelings of wanting more commitment from someone and
wanting more respect from someone And then also actually
being kind of pissed. And we were just kind of going
back and forth about that. And then this other woman was
(09:37):
talking about she's, she's a newmom.
She actually gave birth to twinsand she has a third child.
And she every time she comes in,she's so overwhelmed.
She barely makes it to group therapy.
If she does make it, she's late.And she's always upset about
being late because like, this isher one sanity time.
And she's like, you know, I got up at 5:00 AM this morning to
(10:00):
take care of the kids and to setit all up and to make sure my
husband had it under control so I could go.
And still somehow I couldn't getout the door.
And in my head, privately, I've been like, why the fuck can't
you get out the door? Like you tell him he's going to
watch the kids for one hour and you leave.
Like it makes me, I don't know the whole story, but I'm
(10:21):
immediately mad at him. And I'm sure, you know, maybe
she's contributing in her own subconscious ways of not being
able to let go. But she is actually a therapist
and she is like, you know, she'sin touch with the stuff and this
and that and tries to listen andtries to I don't know, you know,
is a compassionate, thoughtful person.
(10:41):
And I'm I don't I don't know. She got into, she was talking
about some like conflict she hadwith her husband where he was
objecting, where he was claiminghe was the primary caregiver.
He was like, well, I'm I'm mostly in charge of like I'm, I
am the point person for like their oldest son.
(11:02):
And I was like, hold on, hold on.
I was like, hold on. So he thinks he's the primary
caregiver because he takes care of one out of three of the
children. So explain that math to me.
Explain what is primary about that.
Am I the primary house cleaner if I clean one of the bedrooms
exclusively and you never clean it and you clean everything
(11:24):
else? What the fuck do you think
primary caregiver means? And I didn't say it quite like
that, but like we were just kindof going at it.
And I, I just get riled up for these women because I have been
in so many situations that either harken to this dynamic or
remind me of something specifically.
And I, I was just realizing I have all this rage because of
(11:46):
things I've been through. And thank God that I went
through them. It made me feel like, thank God
I went through a relationship before that was so wrong and so
difficult. And I was never able to stand up
for myself. And I didn't have the words to
advocate for myself and like, thank God, because it, it, it
has made me. Yeah.
And it's made me capable to havethe relationship I have now with
(12:10):
the right person. Like, I've seen all those
misses. I've seen all those ingratitudes
and all those moments where I, Iwas frustrated.
But it, it didn't feel like I was allowed to be frustrated.
It didn't feel like I was supposed to be frustrated.
And I feel like I just have a very strong voice and opinion
about it now. And I don't know.
(12:30):
Yeah, well, thanks for listeningto my monologue, but those are
my. No, I loved it and it gave me so
many thoughts. I'm like choosing which path.
I know right now it's just all the women things.
It's all the women things. I think it also like the last
thing that you just talked aboutof kind of having all this data
and like, and you get you now know what to do with it and
(12:52):
whether it's like helping yourself or helping other people
with problems that you've been through and dynamics that you've
been through. It kind of reminds me this is
like a tangent a little, but it's relevant.
I was talking to Ryan and his brother last weekend and his
brother asked me. Usually the dynamic between the
three of us is very hater. It's like we're complaining,
(13:13):
we're making fun of things. We're like, he's kind of
roasting. It's so fun.
I like love the relationship I've developed with Ryan's
brother. And I think he's hilarious.
And anyway, we just have a greattime.
And so we were doing that and then he kind of stopped and was
like, like asked me a genuine question.
(13:33):
And he asked me, do you like newpeople?
When you meet new people, do youlike them?
And I was like, wow, like this question actually pokes on
something for me. Because as much as I'm the
lover, as much as I'm an extrovert and a social person,
as much as I can like show up inany room and have fun and make
(13:55):
people comfortable and like makeit a good time, I would say that
that's a superpower of mine. And I can feel comfortable and
whatever. I also leave, the older I get, I
leave more and more social situations, especially with new
people with complaints or being like, oh, I didn't like them.
(14:15):
Or maybe it's not that I didn't like them, but something's off.
I couldn't see myself getting closer with them.
And so I started to like explorethat in this conversation with
him. And I think where I landed is
just, I have realized in trying to make new connections as I get
older, that I have so much data now on all of the romantic
(14:40):
relationships, all of the friendships, all of the
relationships that I've had in my life, some that have lasted,
some that haven't. And like I can evaluate with 90%
accuracy. I feel like when I meet someone
new, kind of like what that's going to be like, OK, I noticed
these three things that I liked about that person and these two
(15:02):
things that were questionable for me based on things I've seen
in the past. And so because of those two
things, I don't think they're going to become like a new best
friend for me, but I can hang out with them at a party.
Like I, I feel like I just sum up what people are going to be
to me based on like the data points that they show in our
(15:24):
first interaction. And that's something I don't
think I have done my whole life.I think it's kind of a new like
all the information is aggregating and I'm finally
maybe I have enough of like a rear view mirror look on
relationships I've had before, friendships that haven't worked
(15:44):
out, the types of people I just do better with and the types of
people that I don't where I've been noticing lately that I'm a
lot quicker to establish like, OK, that's going to be a that'll
be like a social friend in groups in doses versus like, oh,
that's somebody that I would actually spend a lot of time
(16:07):
with and develop like a real trusted relationship with.
I don't know, am I saying anything?
I feel like it has to do with what?
Oh yeah. You started to talk about of
just like having all this data and then having a moment where
you're like, whoa, the data is finally data in like the math is
mapping, it's coming together. I'm like doing something with
it. Totally.
(16:27):
I think this is, it's everythingI feel like you and I are
getting to enjoy everything thatI always heard women say about
being in their 30s. I think I've shared this on the
podcast before, but I remember so clearly being in my 20s and
seeing a quote by multiple different celebrities in like
tabloids like People magazine and stuff like this.
There was always interviews withcelebrities who were like in
(16:51):
their 30s. There was always women and
they're always asking like, how can you deal with being so
ancient now that you're 30? And over and over I saw these
statements from these women being like, holy shit, I am so
much happier, so much more confident, feel so much more
capable. I know myself more.
I know how to spot the bullshit faster.
(17:12):
I know what I will like, what I won't like, what I will
tolerate, what I will explore. I just, I just is something
clicked and I saw this so many times about turning 30 as a
woman that I was like, either all these hoes have like are
just like feeding off each other's lies and repeating the
same party line that they think is a good interview line or
something fucking happens. And I have found that something
(17:36):
fucking happens in your 30s. It really was right around
there. Maybe it was like 29 for me and
it was so many years before, decades before a feeling like I
didn't know myself. I did not know how to take care
of myself. I did not know how to set
boundaries for myself. I, my emotions were so in
(17:57):
control of me. I was just like living life in
it was very difficult, as I think is true for nearly
everyone in their teens and 20s nearly everyone.
So I say that because I know many of our listeners are there
like see it through, see it through dog.
You're collecting the data now and something happens.
(18:17):
Yeah. Something really happens.
And I think it's it's all the reason that, like, we enjoy
doing this podcast and being able to share that with people
who are either commiserating with us now or maybe younger
even, or, or maybe older and have felt the same things but
didn't get to hear people put words to them.
I'm it's just, it's the best. And I heard something that made
(18:38):
me really excited about getting even older the other day.
It was an interview with an elderly woman.
I can't remember, I can't remember who it was, but it was
a woman maybe in her like 70s or80s who's still just like
kicking it and Wilding out. Oh shit, who the fuck was it?
It was on. It was an interview with
Isabella Rossellini. I don't know who.
(19:00):
That Isabella Rossellini, she's an actress.
You might recognize her like, you know, was stunningly,
stunningly beautiful. She was the face of maybe
Lancome for like 20 years or something and like the one of
their longest running models. But she's also an actress.
She's Italian now. She's she looks.
Yeah. You recognize her?
(19:21):
Yeah, now she's in her 70s and she was just in the movie
Conclave, and I think she got like a bunch of nominations for
it. Anyway, she balling out and she
was talking about, yeah, someoneasked her about being an older
age, whatever. And she was like, you know why?
It's so fucking great? It's so great because there is
(19:43):
no longer this pressure to like,achieve like, I don't have to
build my career, don't have to like prove, you know, and she's
had an amazing career by, you know, even superficial
standards. But even if it wasn't that, you
know, even if she wasn't this like famous actress, it's just
like no one is. Starting their career and like
(20:05):
defining themselves in their 70s.
Hopefully you're winding down working at that time.
But even if you're still workingat that age, it's like maybe
that's just to pay the bills. You don't have to like invent
who you are anymore. She was like, I don't, I don't
have to. I don't have to prove anything
like if I want to have a romantic partner, which she
(20:25):
doesn't and she didn't like. I think since her was it, her
husband died when she was younger and she was just like, I
don't, it wasn't like I just enjoyed being single again.
And she never had like a study partner again.
And she loved it. And she was like, if I want a
study partner, it's just becauseI want it.
It's not 'cause there's social pressure to have it with my
(20:48):
looks like people don't expect me to be beautiful anymore.
So I don't have to be like she was just like there is no
expectation of me anymore reallyfrom society.
And so now you just start doing the things you want to do.
And I was like, oh, that does sound really cool.
Like that is a further I'm, I don't know, like elevation of I
(21:13):
think some of the freedoms you and I are feeling in our 30s
now. And and it was I maybe one of
the first things I'd heard that made me excited about getting
older, of just being like, you actually have all the rest
stripped away. So anything you do and anything
you choose is just because you want to.
So cool. Yeah, I, it's funny because as
(21:34):
you started talking about like these things that people say at
certain age milestones, I immediately thought of, I don't
know what age people associate this with.
I feel like it's been said aboutyour 30s, forties, fifties, 60s,
but there's a general statement that's made that's like you stop
caring what other people think. And what's interesting about
(21:56):
what you just said, this woman shared in this interview, is
that it was more the flip of that.
It was like other people stop caring what you're doing.
It's not so much that you stop caring what other people think.
It's a they just don't have an opinion on you anymore.
It's like you're free because noone's watching you.
You've already done whatever they were expecting or whatever
(22:19):
proved yourself or you didn't, but like, you're just past that
point. I think that on one hand is
something, I don't know, something that is interesting
about women getting older. Like there's less eyes on them.
And we could debate whether that's a good or bad thing or
(22:39):
whether that's like equitable across genders.
But at the same time, the cool thing about it is that there's
like, yeah, there's no pressure anymore.
There's nobody cares. Nobody's paying attention to
you. Because I've always struggled to
believe the, or just struggle toreally.
I don't know. I, I can't, I think I've
(23:00):
untethered myself a lot from what other people think of me,
like what that looked like in my20s.
Me caring what other people think is different now.
I but I do still care, you know,like I am not separated from
that totally. It looks different, and it'll
probably keep looking different,but like the idea that I'll
(23:21):
never ever care is hard for me to understand, but well.
That's like sociopathic behaviour.
Makes more sense. Yeah, exactly.
If you don't, if you don't care at all, then you're no longer
like a social, like, you're no longer living in a society.
They literally call that, like, antisocial personality.
Yeah, which is, you know, the term for sociopathy.
(23:43):
But so like, yeah, caring about what other people think is not
like inherently bad. It's part of what is great.
But there are so many decisions,Yeah, that you that really
should just be personal decisions that don't really
affect anybody else. But fear of people perceiving us
or judging us and has such a hold.
(24:06):
And it was very, very strong in my 20s.
And I still have some of that, too.
Yeah, I don't. I don't think it's horrible.
I don't think that's a failure. But it is so nice to have it
like loosening its grip. Yeah.
Oh, totally. So nice, so nice.
We got a what a do that actuallyis somewhat relevant to what
we're talking about. And specifically like the first,
(24:29):
the first story you told from group therapy about this person
who has been with their partner for a long time and is like, why
aren't we moving forward with anengagement or marriage or
whatever? All my friends are.
So I wanted to read this. OK, so a listener wrote in and
said help please. As my friends get married, most
(24:51):
of the time I feel a bit of a chasm open between us where our
lives just feel different. Sad face.
Often I get the sense that they are having some normal but very
difficult challenges with adjusting to being married.
But when I ask how they're doing, I don't get much more
than a good yes yes it's a terrible question.
How are you? But we used to have some real
(25:11):
and deep catch UPS, but in the first year of their marriages
that tends to go away. How can I best relate to my
friends when our shared relationship status of dating
goes away? I'm single.
That's important. Or is it even possible?
I thought this was so interesting because you get the
question a lot of like my friends and I are all at
different life stages. Some are married, some are
(25:34):
having kids. I'm single, like, or I'm in this
in between where I'm with my partner, but we're not there
yet. Whatever.
What do I do about that? And I think that's part of this.
But I thought the naming of like, we're less open when we
talk is really interesting. And I hadn't thought much about
(25:56):
it until this person wrote in. So I don't know.
Wow. Yeah.
That is super interesting. I guess I don't think I've
encountered it recently. I think my friends and I have a
really good culture of talking of trusting that we can talk
really openly about our relationships, which not
(26:18):
everybody is comfortable doing. And also further trusting that
the other friends can hold the complexity of our partners and
know that I'm complaining about this thing.
And honestly, I'm so fucking annoyed and like I don't ever
want to see his face again. But also he's my favorite person
and I love him and he's the bestperson I know like that that
(26:39):
complexity is true all the time,all the time.
But it does take a lot for to have that culture in your
friends of trusting and knowing that I'm which is why I think it
is really important for people to talk about the complexity and
the nuance and the fact that like even my therapist, my
(27:02):
couples therapist, both therapists have said to me,
like, it's completely normal to be like so fucking annoyed by
your person. Yeah, it is complete.
And, and like, duh, what? Like everyone can be annoying.
So why would like your husband magically be?
The only not annoying person on.Earth, the only person who will
(27:23):
never annoy you again. It's like, duh, but it doesn't
feel like you should be allowed to say that.
I think especially for people who just got married, there's so
much pressure. There's so much pressure.
And I've, I've even heard, I think I saw on Instagram Reel
saying like the first fight you have after you get married is
(27:44):
the craziest fight you'll ever have because that first fight is
laden with all these new pressures and all these
existential doubts about like, Oh my fucking God, are we going
to have this fight forever? Is this what you're going to be
like forever? Did I just make a huge mistake?
My therapist even told me a story.
(28:05):
I love when therapists share like personal things.
I think it's so necessary. And my therapist told me a story
of when she and her husband got married and I think they were on
their honeymoon and they were ina car and she was like, you
know, and he did something, the car.
It's the worst. The car fight.
The dreaded car fight. Yeah, you're just like looking
(28:26):
out the out the window, like wanting them to talk to you but
not wanting them to talk to you.Anyway, go on.
And they're on on their honeymoon in the car and she's
like, he does something, he doessomething he does all the time.
And it's so fucking annoying. And it always annoys me that she
didn't say what it was. And I turned to him and I,
(28:47):
without thinking was just like, are you going to do this for
fucking ever? And he looked at me and he was
like, yeah, probably I'm. Kidding.
And then we just and we just drove in silence for a while and
and you know, she's laughing telling the story, but that is
that moment. We just got married.
(29:07):
And now I'm like, OK, I know I've always tolerated this
somewhat annoying thing from you, but holy shit, does am I
freaking out about it now? Because we just signed on to
forever and I think there is such a pressure and a self
consciousness probably from people who get married thinking
like, now that we're married, I have this, I have to sell
(29:29):
everybody on what a good decision we made.
But that really has nothing to do with whether you're annoyed
at your person a lot or like even angry at them sometimes, or
like maybe some days you don't even feel like you want to say
you love them. Like that's a normal feeling too
'cause it's a feeling. And of course you love them long
term. I love my mom long term, I love
(29:50):
my sister long term. And sometimes I'm like, get the
fuck out of my face. You know, these the feelings,
the feelings come and go. It doesn't actually mean you
stop loving them or stop committing to them.
But love is so many different things.
Like these are normal things. These are normal things.
I love hearing about, well, I just think the point about like
(30:11):
the pressure at the beginning isspot on.
And I love hearing about that. The first fight being like the
biggest. It makes a lot of sense to me
because even with moving in withRyan, I feel like we had that
period where like we're fightingover fucking like curtains and
it's. The biggest fight ever, and it's
(30:31):
the. Biggest blowout ever and.
Crying. We've never fought like this.
Before like we've our communication, our conflict
communication and the way that we are doing whatever has like
it has not been perfect from thebeginning.
It's something we had to work onwith each other, but we got to a
really good point with it after years of practice where we were
like, cool, we can take the nextstep, we'll move in together.
(30:53):
And then it's almost like all ofthat got erased for the first
couple months. You got to start over, kind.
Of yes and it was like whoa, we're fighting in a totally
different way and about Dumber stuff like what because.
It's existential. It's existential.
It is. And like, I don't feel that
we're there anymore, but we wereat the beginning and something
that was was really important tome at the time was to talk about
(31:16):
it. I would talk to my friends who
have moved in with partners, whoare, who live with partners.
And they'd be like, Oh my gosh, how is how is living together?
You know, and instead of taking that opportunity to be like, oh,
it's great, La La la dandy and beautiful.
I mean, parts of it were parts of it were really fun and really
(31:37):
exciting. And I was happy to talk about
that too. But I also would be very candid
of like, I don't know, like we're figuring it out right now.
Like it's kind of hard. What did you guys do?
How was it for you guys? And pretty much every couple
that I did that with had like a sigh of relief almost when I
would say, you know, we're figuring it out.
(31:58):
They'd like kind of laugh and they'd look at each other and
they'd be like, oh, we know thatperiod.
We know that feeling. And it just opened up the
ability to have a real conversation.
And I also think it helped release some of the pressure
that I did feel when we made that decision because it's like,
oh, OK, everybody's saying that this is like, this is a normal
(32:19):
hurdle. And like almost hearing that
other people went through that made it feel less pressure
filled for me. Yes, because then you then you
know it's normal, which it whichit really, it really is.
And then you made it safe. You in that moment created the
culture. The culture of that conversation
is now that it's safe to say noteverything is rosy.
(32:43):
Yeah, like, that is how you create.
You create culture. Culture is made-up of many
people. And one of those many people is
you. And if this, the writer or the
listener is you want to figure out how to make that culture
with your friends, some people aren't going to be able to do
it. It's possible some people aren't
going to be able to meet you there.
But you don't know until you start it.
And I think you're the person who initiates that culture just
(33:06):
like just did, maybe by being like, you know, what?
Can I say something about Justinright now?
He's my fucking favorite person on earth.
I love him so much. I want to kiss him till I'm
dead. We know that now.
Can I say a complaint? Can I say a fucking complaint,
please? Can we hold the fact that I love
him so much? And also I'm so fucking annoyed.
Like that's how you do it by I think you, you make the culture
(33:27):
and you make them feel safe by demonstrating it.
Yeah, I totally agree. I do think the piece of the
listeners write in that makes itharder.
And I'm trying to think like what I've done or what I've seen
friends do is that they're single.
And so they don't have the ability to to reference a
(33:49):
relationship where they're having an issue, even if a
romantic relationship rather where they're having an issue
regardless of the stage that they're at.
And so I'm like, what do you do when you're single?
Like, what can you reference? I mean, I guess it's just about
kind of being honest about any of the aspects of your life.
But I do understand that people who are in relationships or some
(34:12):
people who are in relationships feel very protective of that
information, like personal struggles that they're going
through in their relationship. And it's like easier to open
that up with other people who are in a relationship for
because they that's true. You're like, they're probably
going through the same thing. They love their partner, but
(34:34):
they also hate them, you know, But it is easier.
When you can meet them there. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
I think I would just start by saying like what's true for the
listener? It's like she feels like she's
lost intimacy in how she and herfriend talks.
So you can say that you can be like, can I say something like
(34:56):
awkward and like emotional rightnow?
Like I like to just, you know, just say what's true.
This feels awkward and emotional.
But like sometimes I feel like we used to, I don't know, like
really gab about our love lives.And I feel like that's kind of
gone now. And I guess I'm wondering if
it's because you're like marriedand you feel like you can't, But
(35:19):
I don't know if that's the reason.
But I just want you to know thatI love Jonathan or whatever it
is. And I know he's great.
And like, I'm still your friend and we can still always just
like talk smack. And that doesn't change like my
opinion of how great he is or myopinion of anything.
Like I think this is a a huge important part of our
(35:40):
friendship. Like so I don't know.
I don't know if that's the deal,but I just want you to know that
I know he's like your person. And also we can talk about all
the bullshit like we always did,you know what I mean?
I agree. I think that would be easy, like
exactly in the way that you saidit.
Just this like casual framing that's very like like this is
(36:02):
awkward, but I just want to be close to you and this is how I'm
feeling or whatever. Like I think that makes it easy
for both people. And then you probably are
opening up a window that your friend might be relieved by.
They might be like, Oh my gosh. Like you're right.
And I do miss that with you. And thank you for making it OK
(36:23):
for me to like talk about it or whatever.
Because I also think there is something about the, the
friendship between a single person and a person in a
relationship where like you're never quite sure how much they
would even want to know about your relationship.
It's like they're in such a different, they're in the
trenches, different trenches. And maybe they don't want to
(36:44):
hear about that because if you're complaining about the
thing that they want, then that's not fun.
So I feel like setting up the vibes of like, hey, I, I just, I
do want to hear about all of it.I, I want to be your friend in
the same way we always have been.
Just 'cause I'm not in the same place and I maybe can't relate
exactly, doesn't mean that I'm not like, interested.
(37:07):
So yeah, I do think that's true.That's a good thing to do.
Yeah. Yeah.
I. Mean yeah you could even like if
you don't have first person experience to share you could
even be like girl like I saw this Instagram reel that said
like the first fight you have after you get married is like
the craziest one 'cause there's all this pressure now like is
(37:30):
that true like when you have that fight, you come and vent to
me about it and we'll laugh about it and like I'm still your
girl and like. Reference the podcast What's it?
Like yeah, reference a podcast reference it scram.
But if it's if the desire is like, I just like miss the way
we used to talk, I do think there's a lot of ways to say
that without even being like, you need to complain to me about
(37:53):
him more. It's like there you can just
start with the like I used the way I like, miss the way we used
to talk. Yeah, you could also just like,
I don't know, it depends on yourfriendship and it depends on
your personality. But I think that there's some
people, and I do this sometimes who can get away with like very
direct kind of invasive questions.
And like people like it. It depends on the.
(38:16):
Relationship. It depends.
On a lot of things, but like youcan depending on your friendship
and kind of like the way you guys usually operate and stuff.
I feel like you can even just open up like, I don't know some
prompt. It doesn't have to be about her
husband. It doesn't have to be about
like, oh, tell me a way that Jonathan sucked this week, but
just like some direct question to open up conversation between
(38:41):
both of you and you maybe start it like a complaint for from the
week and you complain about something and you're like,
what's your complaint from the week?
Like I just need to like hear somebody else have a problem for
a second to make me feel better about my problems or whatever.
Like, yeah, I like that. Opening.
Still making it safe the. Space for venting, yeah.
And maybe being the first one togo, that could work.
(39:04):
Yeah, it might take some time, but yeah, I think you basically
have to like teach her that. Like, it's still safe to do
this. First of all, it's a normal
thing to do and I'm a safe person to do it with.
So what you can't do is go and like, tell that Goss to someone
else so that now she knows it's not safe to talk to you about
it. You just have to.
Really. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Be that safe thing and hopefullyyour friends can meet you there,
(39:29):
yeah? And it could like cycle back
around. I was also talking to friends
about kind of a similar a similar theme recently where
their friends are kind of all over the map.
We were having this whole conversation.
It kind of all blended together,but they were talking about
having friends who like are already having kids and
(39:51):
meanwhile what they're doing is planning their wedding.
And then the group that we were hanging out with that day
actually had a lot of single friends in it and just how
different it is. To hang out with their as a, as
a couple, how different it is tohang out with their single
friends or like non married, nonengaged group of friends versus
hanging out with their friends who are already married and on
(40:14):
to baby #2 And I don't know, we got into this conversation about
like how cyclical it is and how,you know, right now you guys are
engaged and maybe you can relatea little more to the non
married, non babied couples thanyou can to those ones.
But in two years time, you're gonna be on the other side and
(40:37):
you're gonna feel differently about it.
And then my relationship to you or this group's relationship to
you is gonna look differently. Like, I don't know where I'm
going with this. It's just kind of like, I know
that this is such a thing that people at our age struggle with.
Yeah. The the different timelines
across friends and I won't say that I've never struggled with
(41:01):
it, but I think I have like a relatively decent grasp on it
and I feel OK about it. And the reason that I do is
because of this acknowledgement of like it's gonna change again
it. Comes around.
Again and it's going to change again.
Like even thinking about when I was single, like I got out of my
(41:23):
last long term relationship within the same month span that
Kai, my best friend got into a relationship.
You know, we kind of thought like, oh, we're going to be
single at the same time and thenshe met somebody and they
started dating. So even like something as you
know, at the early and at the beginnings as that all the way
through to the other side where like I know that I'm a person
(41:46):
that doesn't want kids. I also know that most of my
friends do want kids. And so I know in like 5 years
life's gonna look pretty different between me and them.
So just like, something about just knowing that it keeps
changing and then they're gonna eventually one day be empty
nesters and it's gonna change again, 'cause I see my parents
now going out and having fun with their new friends as like
(42:09):
retired people, it just keeps changing.
And something about that gives me a lot of comfort when those
topics come up. And I feel like we had a lot of
messages about it, so it felt like the time to say it.
I love that 100%. It does keep changing.
The only constant is change. And I feel like once you just
accept that, like it's like the thing we talked about with like
(42:30):
friendships ebbing and flowing. Sometimes a friendship ebbs and
flows through years because where you live, someone moves
away for a bit, then they move back.
Or maybe because they're really absorbed by school at the moment
and then they're not. Or you're in a relationship and
you're absorbed and you're not or you're not single at the same
time, or maybe it's because theyhave kids.
It's like it's all kind of the same where I think once you just
(42:51):
accept like the people you love and the people where there's
like mutual interest, you'll youcan maintain some level of
intimacy. Maybe it'll be less intimacy
than you had in a different phase, but you don't have to let
go of it completely. You don't also have to like grip
it, trying to make it something it can't be in that moment.
And the things come back around like, yeah, yeah, love it.
(43:14):
Love it. This show is sponsored by Better
Help. I feel like our cultural mindset
around therapy has really evolved in recent years.
Not just that it's become more normalized and people talk about
going to therapy, but even the motivators for going to therapy
have changed. Like, I think it used to be
(43:36):
that, you know, if you had some sort of serious mental health
concern or condition, you would go to therapy.
Or maybe if you had some really big issue or trauma going on in
your life, you would go to therapy.
But now it's it's so much more common and honestly something I
would recommend and I think is helpful for anyone to go to
(43:58):
therapy just to talk. Just to talk to a party who is
not involved in your life and has no stake in the matter and
who can listen to you, offer a new perspective, offer tools to
manage just day-to-day stressors.
Even. That is the biggest thing I
think I've gained from therapy. A place to go and vent and then
(44:21):
figure out a path forward. So if you've been nervous about
starting therapy or maybe you'restruggling to find a therapist,
especially at an affordable cost, I would say Better Help
would be a really good place to start.
We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com/not for
Everyone fully spelled out to get 10% off your first month.
That's Better Help. help.com/notfor Everyone.
(44:54):
What else do you? Want me to tell you a hilarious
story? Yeah, I do.
That's exactly what I wanted. OK, OK, this is crazy.
OK, have you ever experienced? OK, first of all, I I need to
say this is R rated content. OK, good.
This is R rated content. So Lori Zork or whoever else is
(45:19):
listening who doesn't want to hear me say some R rated
content? This is your sign.
I'm going to keep talking so youcan pause the podcast, Fast
forward a little bit, or maybe you just skip the rest of the
end of this if you don't want tohear.
If you do want to hear, great. Glad to have you.
This is R rated content. So have you ever had the
experience of like being pretty sick either like with a cold or
(45:42):
really bad cramps or whatever? Being really sick and you have
sex and orgasming makes you feelbetter?
Like have you experienced this? Probably not in like a super
notable way I guess, but I'm notsurprised by the statement
(46:03):
either. Like I feel like it's like
opening up your sinuses with some wasabi.
I feel like it's a similar. Feeling.
Yeah, it is. It is a real thing.
I've had it in a very notable way where I was like have really
bad cramps, but then I'm also kind of like antsy and want to
squirm around and I'm like, OK, yeah, specifically menstrual
(46:24):
cramps. And then like, and then they
completely go away. They completely go away for like
45 minutes or an hour and I'm fine.
Or I have like back pain and then it completely goes away for
like 45 minutes after orgasming basically.
Or I'm, I'm super congested. I'm like, I don't even think I
can make out right now. Like I can't even breathe.
(46:45):
And then it completely goes awayfor about like 45 minutes.
I would say is. It like a serotonin or like some
sort of hormonal like the good? Feeling it's a real thing.
I looked it up. It's a real thing.
I've always noticed this. It's a real thing.
And then I actually looked it up.
This is fucking science. You came here for science.
I'm giving you science. This is not an old wives tale.
It is science. It is a combination of
(47:07):
endorphins and adrenaline that is released into your body by
orgasming. So like, you know they'll give
you a shot of adrenaline if you're like a football player
and you like break a finger, butyou need to keep playing.
They will give you literal like adrenaline or no maybe cortisol
to like keep you going and you can just get through it.
And that's what happens on a smaller degree.
(47:29):
That's what happens when you orgasm.
It is actual science. Of course it doesn't fix
anything long term but for like 45 minutes I've had this
experience so many times and what's great.
Yeah, I'm like so far, yes, we're talking about sex, but
it's not I don't feel our rated it's.
Only lightly R rated. It's only lightly R rated.
OK, so so that's the science. Now the story is the other day
(47:55):
I'm Justin and I had been drinking and he was pretty
hungover in the morning and weirdly he couldn't stop
hiccupping and it was actually pretty weird.
The hiccupping went on straight for I wanna say 8 or 9 hours the
(48:16):
day after. Like it was really pathological.
I wanna say I was starting to belike, oh, you're a crazy person.
Like there's something about this is in your head or
something like what's wrong withyou?
You're. Getting annoyed 'cause you're
like, you could fix that and you're just I.
Was like you can fix that. This is you think it's cute.
It's not. I was like, is this your trauma
(48:36):
coming up through hiccups? It's like, is this your what's
going on? Is this anxiety?
Like why are you hiccuping this much?
And nature cannot explain it. And I'm and we kept doing like
all the tricks, like everyone has their own like hiccup
solution trick and blah, blah, blah.
I have mine. And usually it's like, you know,
holding your breath and swallowing or drinking water or
(48:57):
something, whatever. And nothing was helping.
This started at 8:00, maybe like8:00 in the morning.
It went on all morning, all afternoon to the evening to the
point where it was like he was starting to understandably get
mad 'cause we were trying to like read a book together and he
couldn't read 'cause he was hiccuping.
And it was, it was so fast. The hiccups weren't even a
(49:18):
minute apart. They were like 15 seconds apart.
Like it was crazy. He couldn't sleep.
He was hiccuping non-stop. It was bedtime.
He couldn't read. Like it was pretty crazy.
We tried to like make out and hewas like I can't kiss.
I'm just like, it was non-stop hiccupping.
It was crazy and all of a suddenI was like, Oh my God.
(49:39):
You know, it's the only thing that ever fixes or like puts on
pause. A medical issue for me is like
medical issues that I can't findany other solution to is having
sex and having an orgasm. And so I didn't say anything
because I didn't want to get in his head.
I didn't say anything. I just like started making moves
(50:02):
and I'm, I was like, OK, I'm notgoing to say anything about it.
I'm just going to just going to go down on him R rated part.
I'm just going to go down on himand we'll see what happens.
And you know, he was actually kind of trying to stop me
because he was like, I'm just feel like such an idiot.
I keep but I just persisted. I just believed in the cause and
(50:25):
got them to the finish line and guess what happened?
No, they were gone forever the no way.
The hiccups were gone, yes. That, yes, is unbelievable.
You are, I was so fucking delighted.
I was so delighted. And I and then after the fact, I
(50:46):
still waited like, you know, like 5 minutes or so and I was
like, where's your hiccups, bro?And they were gone.
They were gone for the rest of the night.
And I, I, I think it's just likethere's something biologically,
I think that it's like your bodyso wants to reproduce that
they're like, listen, cool it oneverything else we're doing,
(51:06):
stop. Everything else unnecessary that
we're doing stop just hiccups. We couldn't stop them for 9
hours all day long. Wow, I'm Googling right now
because as you were talking about.
OK, first of all, you're a genius.
Let me back up. Let me back.
Up can I like can I get a? Is it possible for me to get a
patent or? Something I do.
(51:28):
For like the hiccup, the hiccup blow job, like peace.
Prize worthy, I think. It's a Peace Prize.
I think it is. A Peace Prize.
I brought peace to my home. When you were talking about the
science before getting to the R rated part, and you said
adrenaline and endorphins both. Yeah.
So as you were saying that, I was like, I wonder if this is
(51:50):
only for women because men notoriously, like, get kind of
sleepy after sex. Like I think they have a.
Different, so they have different release and.
I just looked it up and they do they're well, endorphins are
still part of it but there's like I don't think adrenaline is
part of the picture for them. Whatever, Either way, it still
(52:11):
works. It's still.
The way I win. Either way, you win.
And I wonder we have to find out.
We have to now. We have to like, work on a whole
like publication. Research grant, Yeah.
The NIH, like I we're going to be very busy for the next couple
of. Months we, we, we were joking
afterwards. He was like, well, we're going
(52:32):
to have to do like a lot of, youknow, repeated experiments and
like to get a control, like to, you know, to get good data.
I was like, I know it's going tobe a lot of work.
Well, because you have to get a bunch of subjects who are
hiccuping for a sustained periodof time.
Like first you have to set up the group that's going to have
the hiccups and then you have toget them the blowjob.
(52:54):
So it's just like, there's a lotthat's a lot of planning we're
gonna have to do. I would.
Prefer not to do all of them, I won't do it but.
Yeah, and. Then have respective partners.
You do have just isolate the variables.
So it's like, is it just when Caroline gives it?
Oh. It can't be me.
It can't be me. No, I don't know.
No, don't call me a hero. Then we're gonna have conflated
(53:15):
data like. It's just really important to
isolate the variable. And then there's some people to
have the control. There have to be some people who
are just getting a blowjob but don't have the hiccup and they
just are having a good time. Exactly.
They're like, oh this is the best study I've signed up for.
There's no payment to be part ofthat study 'cause it's just.
There's no well, there's a payment.
(53:35):
Yeah, it's inherent. Speaking of doing like
controlled studies, I heard I was listening to a podcast that
was talking about the, the big gap in basically the big problem
of doing research around psychedelic drugs, which is that
(53:55):
any of like the, the observations and like the tests
and stuff that they could do around psychedelics are missing
one major cornerstone of our understanding of like scientific
testing, which is that you can never do a control.
Because like if you give usually, you know, to test a
drug, if you're testing an antidepressant, you give one
(54:18):
person antidepressant, you give the next person a placebo.
But you can't just give one person acid or give one person
mushrooms and have them not knowwhether they're on acid or
mushrooms, like, you know, and you can't give the other person
a placebo and have them not know.
So like you always know if you've received the drug.
And so that's like one of the, you know, apparently a big
(54:40):
discussed issue with a lot of the testing around like the
effects. And, and so one persons, one
scientist did like a PhD thesis where they were trying to like
correct for this issue of never being able to have a control.
And so their solution was they were testing for MDMA and for
some participants they gave themMDMA and for the other
(55:04):
participants they just gave themmeth.
That was, and that was the solution.
So it's like both people are going to be feeling things, but
one of them's meth. I don't know why I was just
like, is that the answer? I don't know about.
That so I guess the loophole is like they have to know they're
on drugs, but they don't have toknow what drug is that all it?
(55:27):
Is, yeah. Basically, they're trying to
figure out how to obscure bias. Yeah.
Reported by the research participant or another?
Yes, because that can affect it so much.
It was actually really interesting.
It was an episode on a new favorite podcast called
Unexplainable, where they go into all these scientific areas
(55:50):
where they know there's so much they don't know.
So it's not really about answers.
It's about like, these are the areas we don't really understand
yet. Things like dark matter and
stuff like that. And then with the psychedelics,
another solution was for when they were trying to study
ketamine more, this one researcher gave all the
(56:12):
participants general anesthesia.And so they're all knocked out,
they're all unconscious. And then they some get an
injection of ketamine and they get fucking high, but they're
under anesthesia so they don't remember.
And then the other people get a placebo and they're also under
anesthesia. And then what they really want
(56:32):
to study are the long term benefits of ketamine.
And the results were that the people who got the injection of
ketamine showed significant improvement in whatever they
were studying, but so did the people who got the placebo.
So the episode ended up being a lot about how much, like,
(56:54):
placebo effect gets a really badrap, like, oh, it's just lies.
It's just blah, blah, blah. But basically, how much of an
impact it has just to know that you're receiving care, Like to
know that you're going to the doctor even before you get
treatment will improve your health.
Like to know that you're signed up for an appointment?
(57:16):
Shout out Zach Doc, I don't think we're sponsored this.
Episode but shout out they they they'll be in one soon.
Yeah, yeah. But basically just how much of
an impact it has to know you're like getting care at all.
Anyway, Yeah, it was pretty interesting.
Yeah, I've always found placebo effect really fascinating.
(57:37):
I think I've. Not a bad thing.
No, it does get a bad rap, but it's not at all.
And so much so that, I mean, probably like middle school is
when I first ever heard that term.
And I remember telling my parents, I want to be a placebo
effect doctor. Like whatever that kind of
doctor is, that's what I want tobe.
(57:57):
Why 'cause you 'cause you hate medicine or.
What? Yeah.
I didn't ever really want to be a doctor, but my family being
Lebanese, lots of medical peoplein our background, like it's
very lauded. And so it was always something I
was, I grew up around and then Inever was interested in it.
But then placebo effect I was really interested in.
(58:17):
And so I was like, I'll do that type and my parents would be
like, OK, so you want to be a psychiatrist, like mental health
basically, which was like kind of related.
I mean, it's funny 'cause I ended up working in public
health and in mental health. Shout out Better Help which is
sponsoring this. Episode shout out whatever big
(58:41):
blow jobs or big hiccups too. Yeah, but I thought, I really
have always thought placebo effect is so amazing.
And I don't know, you hear even with something as simple as like
NA beverages, like giving peopleregular beer and NA beer and
people report feeling tipsy whenthey had the NA beer and didn't
(59:02):
know like it's I don't know, like I'm down, I'm down to think
I'm drunk when I'm only having non alcoholic beer.
That sounds great. Sounds really.
Great. Totally.
Yeah, There are real physical effects in your, in your mind,
in your mental health and in your body and in your healing.
(59:22):
Like, it's not fake, fake effects.
Like, oh, you just report feeling drunk 'cause you want to
be included. It's like it can have very real
physical effects. You know, different degrees for
different things. But it is fascinating, very
fascinating. Yeah.
Oh, Hezekiah, tell him. Tell him the treat that's coming
up next week. I'll tell him the treat.
(59:42):
I love to tell them the treat. Next week we have our first
episode of the summer dating series that we mentioned last
week. Very excited.
We're going to do I think 4 total episodes over the course
of the summer, one every last week of the month, May, June,
July, August. All about dating.
So some of you have already started to send us your what to
(01:00:06):
do's and topics and just like dating quandaries that you're
dealing with right now that you need advice on.
Keep sending those in. You can send them to our
Instagram at Not the Number 4 Everyone pod, or you can send
them to our e-mail whichisthatsamething@gmail.com.
Not for everyone. Pod at Gmail.
Yes, and we are going to be diving into all things dating.
(01:00:30):
So very excited. Yeah.
So we also have a name for it. Caroline, please, please tell
them. Tell them the treat.
We are. We're starting our summer dating
series treat for all the hot girl summers looking to have
their summer. The series is called the Hot Not
Bothered Summer and it's going to be all about how to date
(01:00:53):
without losing your freaking mind and sanity and patience and
getting jaded and miserable. How to make it the most
effective for you. How to take breaks, How to deal
with breakups, How to know when to push yourself and when to
hold a boundary. All of it, all of it, all of it,
all of it. You're going to be hot, not
bothered this summer. And that is the dating series
(01:01:15):
that we are making for all our sweet, sweet, hot girls and boys
and everyone. Everyone.
All the coops, all the. Children what?
I really want is when people send us their input for the
series. I want detail.
If that means that you need to e-mail us instead of Instagram
(01:01:36):
us do that. I want detail now listen detail.
Please be use your discretion about what detail means.
Give us the necessary detail to understand the full scope of the
story. But at the same time, I get I
get daunted when we get the really, really long emails.
So find your right balance. This is I'm asking you to use
(01:01:57):
your critical thinking skills. Give us the detailed juice, but
also think Jess doesn't like reading.
So make it. You can do it.
You can make it right for me. Just think about all those
things. Thank you.
I love you. I can't wait.
OK, yes, everything just said. In addition, we would love if
you sent us, we would include more audio from our listeners.
(01:02:22):
So you are also welcome to send us a voice note.
It should be no longer than like30 seconds that just says like,
hey guys and summarize your question to us, your dating
question like the overall question.
So your question might be like, hey guys, my name is Sarah.
(01:02:44):
My question for you is, how do Istart dating again after getting
out over a really hard breakup and relationship?
And then that's your voice note.And then you can send us all the
details we need to know in writing.
But we would love to, for anyonewho wants their little voice to
be shared on the podcast, we would love to share like an
(01:03:05):
actual audio clip with you, yourname, where you're coming from,
whatever you feel like sharing, favorite color, whatever.
And your main question. And then just write out all the
details. So don't send a voice note with
all of that. Just send a voice note with your
name, Say, hey, you know, give us a compliment if you have to,
God forbid, and say your main Yeah, say say your main summary
(01:03:29):
question if you want. You can also, if you don't want
to send your voice, you don't have to, but feel free to either
write an e-mail, send us Adm Andwith either of those, write all
the deets, not too much, not toolittle.
And you can also send so many required.
If you want your if you want your voice to be shared on the
podcast, send us like, you know,22nd voice note with your name
(01:03:51):
and your summary question. Can I rate their voices?
We can't wait to share. You not allowed.
Can you rate their voices? Yeah, you can do that if you
want. I'm the.
I don't know if that's going to inhibit people.
What if that inhibits people from sending in their?
Voice. You're right, I won't.
I'll just keep the readings to myself.
Still send them. OK, so she will.
Yeah, still send them. She's going to privately judge
them, but we won't make any. We won't make any pronouncements
(01:04:11):
about. Them unless I really like them
and then I will let you know. How about that?
OK, great. So the ones that you don't say
anything about are just going tobe followed by very, a very
pregnant pause. Come back next week.
We're kicking off hot not bothered summer.
In the Wow series. Can't wait bye.
(01:04:37):
Should I be like scared or nervous?
Or I don't even know where to start with this.
This is crazy.
I know that I'm a person that doesn't want kids.
I also know that most of my friends do want kids and so I
know in like 5 years life's going to look pretty different
between me and them. It just keeps changing and
something about that gives me a lot of comfort.
(00:24):
Hey, welcome back y'all. This is Not for everyone.
Which is a podcast hosted by your Big Sisters.
We got one sister who's a hater,that's me, Caroline.
One sister who's a lover. That's Hessica.
Hi. Hi.
Wow, what? A5 What is up with that, hey?
I don't know. I was trying to like inhabit the
(00:47):
lover of it all last night when I was going to sleep, I was
thinking about US naturally, youactually had texted me as I was
getting ready for bed, a cookie cutter that you saw on Reddit,
per our conversation on the podcast last week.
So I fell asleep thinking about you.
And I was thinking how we've talked many a time about the
(01:10):
lover hater moniker for the podcast.
And like, you know, I even though I'm the lover, I can be a
hater. Even though you're the hater,
you're a loving person. You can be the lover and I was
thinking about more recently howyou've been very you've been
very positive. You've had a lot of like you've
had a lot of like positivity about life.
(01:33):
You know I'm. Sorry.
Yeah. It and I on the other hand have
been not negative, but maybe more negative than my moniker
would suggest. I just think that we are
consistently inhabiting the opposite.
Lately I feel like you've been more of a lover and I've been
more of a hater and I wanted to name it and that's all.
And maybe challenge you to show up to come back.
(01:59):
I need to grow back into my hating, yeah.
I think I also had just watched your newest YouTube video about
moving and you ended it by saying something about like, you
know, you were saying something positive about life, like life
is good right now. And then you're like, I, I feel
I'm like judging myself for saying this.
I hate, you know, like it makes me feel self-conscious to talk
(02:21):
about positive things. And then you like hung up the
phone. You hung up, you ended the
YouTube video. So yeah, you've just been,
you've been a lover lately. And I've been crabby in this
office in my little corner, complaining to myself everyday.
Yeah. About work.
Mostly about work. Oh yeah, crab is a big part of
me too, though. I feel like I'm I, well, yeah,
(02:45):
obviously I think lover and hater is in all of us.
The way I think of hater is morejust like I don't feel pressured
to, to like and endorse things that I, I think a lot of people
feel pressured to like and endorse, but I also don't think
they like them either, you know what I mean?
But one thing I've been grappling with a lot recently is
(03:06):
like, I mean, I do feel really happy and I, I've always been a
pretty positive person despite the criticism.
Like those don't feel at odds tome.
But I also have a lot of rage like that's what's in me.
And it was kind of named in therapy recently.
And I've just been kind of thinking about that the last
week or two. Like all this rage that I have,
(03:31):
which really I think pretty directly comes from like my past
and my childhood. And I think it's what bubbles
underneath anything, anything that gets me really riled up is
this rage that I'm like sometimes not on not very
accepting of and or I think is like not acceptable or people
(03:55):
won't like it or I need to button it down or my friends
won't accept it. And I think it's definitely been
a part of like what keeps distance from between me and
people a lot of the time thinking there's not space for
that. And I'm, and I don't know, I've
just been like thinking a lot recently about like, yeah, I
have a lot of rage and just accepting that.
(04:15):
And I'm. And then today it was funny.
I had my group therapy, which I loved, and I know you wanted to
hear more about it. So I was kind of thinking of
sharing. Like the last two weeks I was
thinking about like, OK, I have a lot of rage.
I have a lot of rage. I'm going to accept that it is a
part of me, clearly. Like denying that doesn't really
(04:37):
get me anywhere. Whether I think it's ugly or
it's not. Like denying a fact about me
doesn't get me anywhere. Like it's here, it's a part of
me. And then I went to group therapy
today and like 3 different people shared giant and
difficult things that were happening with them and in the
way I was interacting with them.They ended up being, they ended
(04:58):
up like getting in touch with their feelings of rage.
And one girl was literally like,you know, she was talking about
some difficulty with her fiance or her boyfriend and she was
like, God, like I wish like you Caroline could come with me to
talk to him because like, I can't do this.
Like it when you say it, it's sosimple, blah, blah, blah.
And, and this kind of happened with like 3 different
(05:20):
conversations with different people in the group.
And it actually, it felt really good.
I was like, I think I was like, yes, OK, I have a lot of rage
and I think I'm better. I'm getting better at just
owning it and understanding it and understanding like where
it's destructive and where it's really helpful.
(05:40):
And in this group therapy, I felt like, well, this is the
part of it that's really helpful.
I feel like a rage medium for people like, rather than a
medium who, like, host the seance to get you in touch with
your dead relatives. I felt like a medium who gets
people in touch with their healthy rage that they're like
denying or depressing or like repressing or like feeling
(06:02):
shame, ashamed about or like thinking, oh, I can't talk to
someone about this. And it was kind of a nice
feeling where I was like, oh, this can be.
This can be a superpower too. Like I, I want to help.
Yeah. I want to help women get in
touch with like their earned rage kind of.
And so I'm, I don't know, I've just like kind of been thinking
(06:22):
about that recently. Yeah.
I'm curious what you were sayingto them.
Like just stuff like, doesn't that make you so mad or like you
need to express to this person how that fills you with anger or
like what? What are the prompts that would
come up in therapy or even like apply that to a conversation
with a friend or whatever, whereyou feel like those are the
(06:45):
prompts that help you help a person get in touch with this
'cause I totally see that for you.
I have, no, I have no, like, I don't know.
There's, it feels very natural to me to to be like, yeah,
Caroline's good at that, but I'mtrying to figure out how that
actually comes into play. Yeah, well, they were like a
(07:06):
couple different scenarios. One woman was talking about like
her boyfriend she's been with for almost a decade and they
live together and, you know, they're deeply they're either
you probably have a fucking common law marriage now.
And I'm she was talking about how like a friend of hers got
(07:26):
engaged recently and that just brought up a lot of feelings.
And I was like, oh, what are thefeelings?
And she was like, well I'm not engaged and I really don't know
why. And I went to this wedding
recently and everybody there comes up and asks me why hasn't
my boyfriend proposed yet? They I was, she was like, I was
asked 9 times and he was only asked twice and they're his
(07:48):
friends. Wow wow, wow, wow.
And she's like and now. I have reached.
I know I'm mad. Yeah.
And she was like, and. And now I'm the one who has to
like play interference for him. And the reality is like, I don't
know. Like, I don't know why he hasn't
proposed. You know what?
I haven't gotten a good answer. And actually, why am I the one?
And yeah, we were just kind of going back and forth about that.
(08:10):
And she like. And I was just like, yeah,
'cause this is this and that, that, that.
And like, there's this funny feeling where, you know, 'cause
I related to this, not with Justin, but in a past
relationship where we were get together for a very long time.
I moved across the country for him.
I had to start a new career. I moved in with his parents.
(08:32):
I was doing like Hospice care with for his dad.
We ended up moving into a home together.
We got a dog together. It's like, I've pretty much let
you take over my entire life andand you obviously are into
commitment 'cause you obviously want me around, but there's this
other thing that I'm not allowedto ask about.
There's like some feelings as a woman of being like, well, I
(08:54):
don't want to be seen being desperate.
I don't want to be seen fucking.Why?
And it like it feels shameful orit feels like you don't want to
be seen wanting it or you don't have to ask for it.
And, and it's also so funny to like be mad at this person that
you're like, I'm mad 'cause I love you, you idiot.
I'm mad 'cause I want to spend the life with you.
And like you're, you're getting to Playhouse with me and you're
(09:16):
getting everything you want. And I'm in a very vulnerable
situation now, like, and, and it's weird to grapple with those
feelings of wanting more commitment from someone and
wanting more respect from someone And then also actually
being kind of pissed. And we were just kind of going
back and forth about that. And then this other woman was
(09:37):
talking about she's, she's a newmom.
She actually gave birth to twinsand she has a third child.
And she every time she comes in,she's so overwhelmed.
She barely makes it to group therapy.
If she does make it, she's late.And she's always upset about
being late because like, this isher one sanity time.
And she's like, you know, I got up at 5:00 AM this morning to
(10:00):
take care of the kids and to setit all up and to make sure my
husband had it under control so I could go.
And still somehow I couldn't getout the door.
And in my head, privately, I've been like, why the fuck can't
you get out the door? Like you tell him he's going to
watch the kids for one hour and you leave.
Like it makes me, I don't know the whole story, but I'm
(10:21):
immediately mad at him. And I'm sure, you know, maybe
she's contributing in her own subconscious ways of not being
able to let go. But she is actually a therapist
and she is like, you know, she'sin touch with the stuff and this
and that and tries to listen andtries to I don't know, you know,
is a compassionate, thoughtful person.
(10:41):
And I'm I don't I don't know. She got into, she was talking
about some like conflict she hadwith her husband where he was
objecting, where he was claiminghe was the primary caregiver.
He was like, well, I'm I'm mostly in charge of like I'm, I
am the point person for like their oldest son.
(11:02):
And I was like, hold on, hold on.
I was like, hold on. So he thinks he's the primary
caregiver because he takes care of one out of three of the
children. So explain that math to me.
Explain what is primary about that.
Am I the primary house cleaner if I clean one of the bedrooms
exclusively and you never clean it and you clean everything
(11:24):
else? What the fuck do you think
primary caregiver means? And I didn't say it quite like
that, but like we were just kindof going at it.
And I, I just get riled up for these women because I have been
in so many situations that either harken to this dynamic or
remind me of something specifically.
And I, I was just realizing I have all this rage because of
(11:46):
things I've been through. And thank God that I went
through them. It made me feel like, thank God
I went through a relationship before that was so wrong and so
difficult. And I was never able to stand up
for myself. And I didn't have the words to
advocate for myself and like, thank God, because it, it, it
has made me. Yeah.
And it's made me capable to havethe relationship I have now with
(12:10):
the right person. Like, I've seen all those
misses. I've seen all those ingratitudes
and all those moments where I, Iwas frustrated.
But it, it didn't feel like I was allowed to be frustrated.
It didn't feel like I was supposed to be frustrated.
And I feel like I just have a very strong voice and opinion
about it now. And I don't know.
(12:30):
Yeah, well, thanks for listeningto my monologue, but those are
my. No, I loved it and it gave me so
many thoughts. I'm like choosing which path.
I know right now it's just all the women things.
It's all the women things. I think it also like the last
thing that you just talked aboutof kind of having all this data
and like, and you get you now know what to do with it and
(12:52):
whether it's like helping yourself or helping other people
with problems that you've been through and dynamics that you've
been through. It kind of reminds me this is
like a tangent a little, but it's relevant.
I was talking to Ryan and his brother last weekend and his
brother asked me. Usually the dynamic between the
three of us is very hater. It's like we're complaining,
(13:13):
we're making fun of things. We're like, he's kind of
roasting. It's so fun.
I like love the relationship I've developed with Ryan's
brother. And I think he's hilarious.
And anyway, we just have a greattime.
And so we were doing that and then he kind of stopped and was
like, like asked me a genuine question.
(13:33):
And he asked me, do you like newpeople?
When you meet new people, do youlike them?
And I was like, wow, like this question actually pokes on
something for me. Because as much as I'm the
lover, as much as I'm an extrovert and a social person,
as much as I can like show up inany room and have fun and make
(13:55):
people comfortable and like makeit a good time, I would say that
that's a superpower of mine. And I can feel comfortable and
whatever. I also leave, the older I get, I
leave more and more social situations, especially with new
people with complaints or being like, oh, I didn't like them.
(14:15):
Or maybe it's not that I didn't like them, but something's off.
I couldn't see myself getting closer with them.
And so I started to like explorethat in this conversation with
him. And I think where I landed is
just, I have realized in trying to make new connections as I get
older, that I have so much data now on all of the romantic
(14:40):
relationships, all of the friendships, all of the
relationships that I've had in my life, some that have lasted,
some that haven't. And like I can evaluate with 90%
accuracy. I feel like when I meet someone
new, kind of like what that's going to be like, OK, I noticed
these three things that I liked about that person and these two
(15:02):
things that were questionable for me based on things I've seen
in the past. And so because of those two
things, I don't think they're going to become like a new best
friend for me, but I can hang out with them at a party.
Like I, I feel like I just sum up what people are going to be
to me based on like the data points that they show in our
(15:24):
first interaction. And that's something I don't
think I have done my whole life.I think it's kind of a new like
all the information is aggregating and I'm finally
maybe I have enough of like a rear view mirror look on
relationships I've had before, friendships that haven't worked
(15:44):
out, the types of people I just do better with and the types of
people that I don't where I've been noticing lately that I'm a
lot quicker to establish like, OK, that's going to be a that'll
be like a social friend in groups in doses versus like, oh,
that's somebody that I would actually spend a lot of time
(16:07):
with and develop like a real trusted relationship with.
I don't know, am I saying anything?
I feel like it has to do with what?
Oh yeah. You started to talk about of
just like having all this data and then having a moment where
you're like, whoa, the data is finally data in like the math is
mapping, it's coming together. I'm like doing something with
it. Totally.
(16:27):
I think this is, it's everythingI feel like you and I are
getting to enjoy everything thatI always heard women say about
being in their 30s. I think I've shared this on the
podcast before, but I remember so clearly being in my 20s and
seeing a quote by multiple different celebrities in like
tabloids like People magazine and stuff like this.
There was always interviews withcelebrities who were like in
(16:51):
their 30s. There was always women and
they're always asking like, how can you deal with being so
ancient now that you're 30? And over and over I saw these
statements from these women being like, holy shit, I am so
much happier, so much more confident, feel so much more
capable. I know myself more.
I know how to spot the bullshit faster.
(17:12):
I know what I will like, what I won't like, what I will
tolerate, what I will explore. I just, I just is something
clicked and I saw this so many times about turning 30 as a
woman that I was like, either all these hoes have like are
just like feeding off each other's lies and repeating the
same party line that they think is a good interview line or
something fucking happens. And I have found that something
(17:36):
fucking happens in your 30s. It really was right around
there. Maybe it was like 29 for me and
it was so many years before, decades before a feeling like I
didn't know myself. I did not know how to take care
of myself. I did not know how to set
boundaries for myself. I, my emotions were so in
(17:57):
control of me. I was just like living life in
it was very difficult, as I think is true for nearly
everyone in their teens and 20s nearly everyone.
So I say that because I know many of our listeners are there
like see it through, see it through dog.
You're collecting the data now and something happens.
(18:17):
Yeah. Something really happens.
And I think it's it's all the reason that, like, we enjoy
doing this podcast and being able to share that with people
who are either commiserating with us now or maybe younger
even, or, or maybe older and have felt the same things but
didn't get to hear people put words to them.
I'm it's just, it's the best. And I heard something that made
(18:38):
me really excited about getting even older the other day.
It was an interview with an elderly woman.
I can't remember, I can't remember who it was, but it was
a woman maybe in her like 70s or80s who's still just like
kicking it and Wilding out. Oh shit, who the fuck was it?
It was on. It was an interview with
Isabella Rossellini. I don't know who.
(19:00):
That Isabella Rossellini, she's an actress.
You might recognize her like, you know, was stunningly,
stunningly beautiful. She was the face of maybe
Lancome for like 20 years or something and like the one of
their longest running models. But she's also an actress.
She's Italian now. She's she looks.
Yeah. You recognize her?
(19:21):
Yeah, now she's in her 70s and she was just in the movie
Conclave, and I think she got like a bunch of nominations for
it. Anyway, she balling out and she
was talking about, yeah, someoneasked her about being an older
age, whatever. And she was like, you know why?
It's so fucking great? It's so great because there is
(19:43):
no longer this pressure to like,achieve like, I don't have to
build my career, don't have to like prove, you know, and she's
had an amazing career by, you know, even superficial
standards. But even if it wasn't that, you
know, even if she wasn't this like famous actress, it's just
like no one is. Starting their career and like
(20:05):
defining themselves in their 70s.
Hopefully you're winding down working at that time.
But even if you're still workingat that age, it's like maybe
that's just to pay the bills. You don't have to like invent
who you are anymore. She was like, I don't, I don't
have to. I don't have to prove anything
like if I want to have a romantic partner, which she
(20:25):
doesn't and she didn't like. I think since her was it, her
husband died when she was younger and she was just like, I
don't, it wasn't like I just enjoyed being single again.
And she never had like a study partner again.
And she loved it. And she was like, if I want a
study partner, it's just becauseI want it.
It's not 'cause there's social pressure to have it with my
(20:48):
looks like people don't expect me to be beautiful anymore.
So I don't have to be like she was just like there is no
expectation of me anymore reallyfrom society.
And so now you just start doing the things you want to do.
And I was like, oh, that does sound really cool.
Like that is a further I'm, I don't know, like elevation of I
(21:13):
think some of the freedoms you and I are feeling in our 30s
now. And and it was I maybe one of
the first things I'd heard that made me excited about getting
older, of just being like, you actually have all the rest
stripped away. So anything you do and anything
you choose is just because you want to.
So cool. Yeah, I, it's funny because as
(21:34):
you started talking about like these things that people say at
certain age milestones, I immediately thought of, I don't
know what age people associate this with.
I feel like it's been said aboutyour 30s, forties, fifties, 60s,
but there's a general statement that's made that's like you stop
caring what other people think. And what's interesting about
(21:56):
what you just said, this woman shared in this interview, is
that it was more the flip of that.
It was like other people stop caring what you're doing.
It's not so much that you stop caring what other people think.
It's a they just don't have an opinion on you anymore.
It's like you're free because noone's watching you.
You've already done whatever they were expecting or whatever
(22:19):
proved yourself or you didn't, but like, you're just past that
point. I think that on one hand is
something, I don't know, something that is interesting
about women getting older. Like there's less eyes on them.
And we could debate whether that's a good or bad thing or
(22:39):
whether that's like equitable across genders.
But at the same time, the cool thing about it is that there's
like, yeah, there's no pressure anymore.
There's nobody cares. Nobody's paying attention to
you. Because I've always struggled to
believe the, or just struggle toreally.
I don't know. I, I can't, I think I've
(23:00):
untethered myself a lot from what other people think of me,
like what that looked like in my20s.
Me caring what other people think is different now.
I but I do still care, you know,like I am not separated from
that totally. It looks different, and it'll
probably keep looking different,but like the idea that I'll
(23:21):
never ever care is hard for me to understand, but well.
That's like sociopathic behaviour.
Makes more sense. Yeah, exactly.
If you don't, if you don't care at all, then you're no longer
like a social, like, you're no longer living in a society.
They literally call that, like, antisocial personality.
Yeah, which is, you know, the term for sociopathy.
(23:43):
But so like, yeah, caring about what other people think is not
like inherently bad. It's part of what is great.
But there are so many decisions,Yeah, that you that really
should just be personal decisions that don't really
affect anybody else. But fear of people perceiving us
or judging us and has such a hold.
(24:06):
And it was very, very strong in my 20s.
And I still have some of that, too.
Yeah, I don't. I don't think it's horrible.
I don't think that's a failure. But it is so nice to have it
like loosening its grip. Yeah.
Oh, totally. So nice, so nice.
We got a what a do that actuallyis somewhat relevant to what
we're talking about. And specifically like the first,
(24:29):
the first story you told from group therapy about this person
who has been with their partner for a long time and is like, why
aren't we moving forward with anengagement or marriage or
whatever? All my friends are.
So I wanted to read this. OK, so a listener wrote in and
said help please. As my friends get married, most
(24:51):
of the time I feel a bit of a chasm open between us where our
lives just feel different. Sad face.
Often I get the sense that they are having some normal but very
difficult challenges with adjusting to being married.
But when I ask how they're doing, I don't get much more
than a good yes yes it's a terrible question.
How are you? But we used to have some real
(25:11):
and deep catch UPS, but in the first year of their marriages
that tends to go away. How can I best relate to my
friends when our shared relationship status of dating
goes away? I'm single.
That's important. Or is it even possible?
I thought this was so interesting because you get the
question a lot of like my friends and I are all at
different life stages. Some are married, some are
(25:34):
having kids. I'm single, like, or I'm in this
in between where I'm with my partner, but we're not there
yet. Whatever.
What do I do about that? And I think that's part of this.
But I thought the naming of like, we're less open when we
talk is really interesting. And I hadn't thought much about
(25:56):
it until this person wrote in. So I don't know.
Wow. Yeah.
That is super interesting. I guess I don't think I've
encountered it recently. I think my friends and I have a
really good culture of talking of trusting that we can talk
really openly about our relationships, which not
(26:18):
everybody is comfortable doing. And also further trusting that
the other friends can hold the complexity of our partners and
know that I'm complaining about this thing.
And honestly, I'm so fucking annoyed and like I don't ever
want to see his face again. But also he's my favorite person
and I love him and he's the bestperson I know like that that
(26:39):
complexity is true all the time,all the time.
But it does take a lot for to have that culture in your
friends of trusting and knowing that I'm which is why I think it
is really important for people to talk about the complexity and
the nuance and the fact that like even my therapist, my
(27:02):
couples therapist, both therapists have said to me,
like, it's completely normal to be like so fucking annoyed by
your person. Yeah, it is complete.
And, and like, duh, what? Like everyone can be annoying.
So why would like your husband magically be?
The only not annoying person on.Earth, the only person who will
(27:23):
never annoy you again. It's like, duh, but it doesn't
feel like you should be allowed to say that.
I think especially for people who just got married, there's so
much pressure. There's so much pressure.
And I've, I've even heard, I think I saw on Instagram Reel
saying like the first fight you have after you get married is
(27:44):
the craziest fight you'll ever have because that first fight is
laden with all these new pressures and all these
existential doubts about like, Oh my fucking God, are we going
to have this fight forever? Is this what you're going to be
like forever? Did I just make a huge mistake?
My therapist even told me a story.
(28:05):
I love when therapists share like personal things.
I think it's so necessary. And my therapist told me a story
of when she and her husband got married and I think they were on
their honeymoon and they were ina car and she was like, you
know, and he did something, the car.
It's the worst. The car fight.
The dreaded car fight. Yeah, you're just like looking
(28:26):
out the out the window, like wanting them to talk to you but
not wanting them to talk to you.Anyway, go on.
And they're on on their honeymoon in the car and she's
like, he does something, he doessomething he does all the time.
And it's so fucking annoying. And it always annoys me that she
didn't say what it was. And I turned to him and I,
(28:47):
without thinking was just like, are you going to do this for
fucking ever? And he looked at me and he was
like, yeah, probably I'm. Kidding.
And then we just and we just drove in silence for a while and
and you know, she's laughing telling the story, but that is
that moment. We just got married.
(29:07):
And now I'm like, OK, I know I've always tolerated this
somewhat annoying thing from you, but holy shit, does am I
freaking out about it now? Because we just signed on to
forever and I think there is such a pressure and a self
consciousness probably from people who get married thinking
like, now that we're married, I have this, I have to sell
(29:29):
everybody on what a good decision we made.
But that really has nothing to do with whether you're annoyed
at your person a lot or like even angry at them sometimes, or
like maybe some days you don't even feel like you want to say
you love them. Like that's a normal feeling too
'cause it's a feeling. And of course you love them long
term. I love my mom long term, I love
(29:50):
my sister long term. And sometimes I'm like, get the
fuck out of my face. You know, these the feelings,
the feelings come and go. It doesn't actually mean you
stop loving them or stop committing to them.
But love is so many different things.
Like these are normal things. These are normal things.
I love hearing about, well, I just think the point about like
(30:11):
the pressure at the beginning isspot on.
And I love hearing about that. The first fight being like the
biggest. It makes a lot of sense to me
because even with moving in withRyan, I feel like we had that
period where like we're fightingover fucking like curtains and
it's. The biggest fight ever, and it's
(30:31):
the. Biggest blowout ever and.
Crying. We've never fought like this.
Before like we've our communication, our conflict
communication and the way that we are doing whatever has like
it has not been perfect from thebeginning.
It's something we had to work onwith each other, but we got to a
really good point with it after years of practice where we were
like, cool, we can take the nextstep, we'll move in together.
(30:53):
And then it's almost like all ofthat got erased for the first
couple months. You got to start over, kind.
Of yes and it was like whoa, we're fighting in a totally
different way and about Dumber stuff like what because.
It's existential. It's existential.
It is. And like, I don't feel that
we're there anymore, but we wereat the beginning and something
that was was really important tome at the time was to talk about
(31:16):
it. I would talk to my friends who
have moved in with partners, whoare, who live with partners.
And they'd be like, Oh my gosh, how is how is living together?
You know, and instead of taking that opportunity to be like, oh,
it's great, La La la dandy and beautiful.
I mean, parts of it were parts of it were really fun and really
(31:37):
exciting. And I was happy to talk about
that too. But I also would be very candid
of like, I don't know, like we're figuring it out right now.
Like it's kind of hard. What did you guys do?
How was it for you guys? And pretty much every couple
that I did that with had like a sigh of relief almost when I
would say, you know, we're figuring it out.
(31:58):
They'd like kind of laugh and they'd look at each other and
they'd be like, oh, we know thatperiod.
We know that feeling. And it just opened up the
ability to have a real conversation.
And I also think it helped release some of the pressure
that I did feel when we made that decision because it's like,
oh, OK, everybody's saying that this is like, this is a normal
(32:19):
hurdle. And like almost hearing that
other people went through that made it feel less pressure
filled for me. Yes, because then you then you
know it's normal, which it whichit really, it really is.
And then you made it safe. You in that moment created the
culture. The culture of that conversation
is now that it's safe to say noteverything is rosy.
(32:43):
Yeah, like, that is how you create.
You create culture. Culture is made-up of many
people. And one of those many people is
you. And if this, the writer or the
listener is you want to figure out how to make that culture
with your friends, some people aren't going to be able to do
it. It's possible some people aren't
going to be able to meet you there.
But you don't know until you start it.
And I think you're the person who initiates that culture just
(33:06):
like just did, maybe by being like, you know, what?
Can I say something about Justinright now?
He's my fucking favorite person on earth.
I love him so much. I want to kiss him till I'm
dead. We know that now.
Can I say a complaint? Can I say a fucking complaint,
please? Can we hold the fact that I love
him so much? And also I'm so fucking annoyed.
Like that's how you do it by I think you, you make the culture
(33:27):
and you make them feel safe by demonstrating it.
Yeah, I totally agree. I do think the piece of the
listeners write in that makes itharder.
And I'm trying to think like what I've done or what I've seen
friends do is that they're single.
And so they don't have the ability to to reference a
(33:49):
relationship where they're having an issue, even if a
romantic relationship rather where they're having an issue
regardless of the stage that they're at.
And so I'm like, what do you do when you're single?
Like, what can you reference? I mean, I guess it's just about
kind of being honest about any of the aspects of your life.
But I do understand that people who are in relationships or some
(34:12):
people who are in relationships feel very protective of that
information, like personal struggles that they're going
through in their relationship. And it's like easier to open
that up with other people who are in a relationship for
because they that's true. You're like, they're probably
going through the same thing. They love their partner, but
(34:34):
they also hate them, you know, But it is easier.
When you can meet them there. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
I think I would just start by saying like what's true for the
listener? It's like she feels like she's
lost intimacy in how she and herfriend talks.
So you can say that you can be like, can I say something like
(34:56):
awkward and like emotional rightnow?
Like I like to just, you know, just say what's true.
This feels awkward and emotional.
But like sometimes I feel like we used to, I don't know, like
really gab about our love lives.And I feel like that's kind of
gone now. And I guess I'm wondering if
it's because you're like marriedand you feel like you can't, But
(35:19):
I don't know if that's the reason.
But I just want you to know thatI love Jonathan or whatever it
is. And I know he's great.
And like, I'm still your friend and we can still always just
like talk smack. And that doesn't change like my
opinion of how great he is or myopinion of anything.
Like I think this is a a huge important part of our
(35:40):
friendship. Like so I don't know.
I don't know if that's the deal,but I just want you to know that
I know he's like your person. And also we can talk about all
the bullshit like we always did,you know what I mean?
I agree. I think that would be easy, like
exactly in the way that you saidit.
Just this like casual framing that's very like like this is
(36:02):
awkward, but I just want to be close to you and this is how I'm
feeling or whatever. Like I think that makes it easy
for both people. And then you probably are
opening up a window that your friend might be relieved by.
They might be like, Oh my gosh. Like you're right.
And I do miss that with you. And thank you for making it OK
(36:23):
for me to like talk about it or whatever.
Because I also think there is something about the, the
friendship between a single person and a person in a
relationship where like you're never quite sure how much they
would even want to know about your relationship.
It's like they're in such a different, they're in the
trenches, different trenches. And maybe they don't want to
(36:44):
hear about that because if you're complaining about the
thing that they want, then that's not fun.
So I feel like setting up the vibes of like, hey, I, I just, I
do want to hear about all of it.I, I want to be your friend in
the same way we always have been.
Just 'cause I'm not in the same place and I maybe can't relate
exactly, doesn't mean that I'm not like, interested.
(37:07):
So yeah, I do think that's true.That's a good thing to do.
Yeah. Yeah.
I. Mean yeah you could even like if
you don't have first person experience to share you could
even be like girl like I saw this Instagram reel that said
like the first fight you have after you get married is like
the craziest one 'cause there's all this pressure now like is
(37:30):
that true like when you have that fight, you come and vent to
me about it and we'll laugh about it and like I'm still your
girl and like. Reference the podcast What's it?
Like yeah, reference a podcast reference it scram.
But if it's if the desire is like, I just like miss the way
we used to talk, I do think there's a lot of ways to say
that without even being like, you need to complain to me about
(37:53):
him more. It's like there you can just
start with the like I used the way I like, miss the way we used
to talk. Yeah, you could also just like,
I don't know, it depends on yourfriendship and it depends on
your personality. But I think that there's some
people, and I do this sometimes who can get away with like very
direct kind of invasive questions.
And like people like it. It depends on the.
(38:16):
Relationship. It depends.
On a lot of things, but like youcan depending on your friendship
and kind of like the way you guys usually operate and stuff.
I feel like you can even just open up like, I don't know some
prompt. It doesn't have to be about her
husband. It doesn't have to be about
like, oh, tell me a way that Jonathan sucked this week, but
just like some direct question to open up conversation between
(38:41):
both of you and you maybe start it like a complaint for from the
week and you complain about something and you're like,
what's your complaint from the week?
Like I just need to like hear somebody else have a problem for
a second to make me feel better about my problems or whatever.
Like, yeah, I like that. Opening.
Still making it safe the. Space for venting, yeah.
And maybe being the first one togo, that could work.
(39:04):
Yeah, it might take some time, but yeah, I think you basically
have to like teach her that. Like, it's still safe to do
this. First of all, it's a normal
thing to do and I'm a safe person to do it with.
So what you can't do is go and like, tell that Goss to someone
else so that now she knows it's not safe to talk to you about
it. You just have to.
Really. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Be that safe thing and hopefullyyour friends can meet you there,
(39:29):
yeah? And it could like cycle back
around. I was also talking to friends
about kind of a similar a similar theme recently where
their friends are kind of all over the map.
We were having this whole conversation.
It kind of all blended together,but they were talking about
having friends who like are already having kids and
(39:51):
meanwhile what they're doing is planning their wedding.
And then the group that we were hanging out with that day
actually had a lot of single friends in it and just how
different it is. To hang out with their as a, as
a couple, how different it is tohang out with their single
friends or like non married, nonengaged group of friends versus
hanging out with their friends who are already married and on
(40:14):
to baby #2 And I don't know, we got into this conversation about
like how cyclical it is and how,you know, right now you guys are
engaged and maybe you can relatea little more to the non
married, non babied couples thanyou can to those ones.
But in two years time, you're gonna be on the other side and
(40:37):
you're gonna feel differently about it.
And then my relationship to you or this group's relationship to
you is gonna look differently. Like, I don't know where I'm
going with this. It's just kind of like, I know
that this is such a thing that people at our age struggle with.
Yeah. The the different timelines
across friends and I won't say that I've never struggled with
(41:01):
it, but I think I have like a relatively decent grasp on it
and I feel OK about it. And the reason that I do is
because of this acknowledgement of like it's gonna change again
it. Comes around.
Again and it's going to change again.
Like even thinking about when I was single, like I got out of my
(41:23):
last long term relationship within the same month span that
Kai, my best friend got into a relationship.
You know, we kind of thought like, oh, we're going to be
single at the same time and thenshe met somebody and they
started dating. So even like something as you
know, at the early and at the beginnings as that all the way
through to the other side where like I know that I'm a person
(41:46):
that doesn't want kids. I also know that most of my
friends do want kids. And so I know in like 5 years
life's gonna look pretty different between me and them.
So just like, something about just knowing that it keeps
changing and then they're gonna eventually one day be empty
nesters and it's gonna change again, 'cause I see my parents
now going out and having fun with their new friends as like
(42:09):
retired people, it just keeps changing.
And something about that gives me a lot of comfort when those
topics come up. And I feel like we had a lot of
messages about it, so it felt like the time to say it.
I love that 100%. It does keep changing.
The only constant is change. And I feel like once you just
accept that, like it's like the thing we talked about with like
(42:30):
friendships ebbing and flowing. Sometimes a friendship ebbs and
flows through years because where you live, someone moves
away for a bit, then they move back.
Or maybe because they're really absorbed by school at the moment
and then they're not. Or you're in a relationship and
you're absorbed and you're not or you're not single at the same
time, or maybe it's because theyhave kids.
It's like it's all kind of the same where I think once you just
(42:51):
accept like the people you love and the people where there's
like mutual interest, you'll youcan maintain some level of
intimacy. Maybe it'll be less intimacy
than you had in a different phase, but you don't have to let
go of it completely. You don't also have to like grip
it, trying to make it something it can't be in that moment.
And the things come back around like, yeah, yeah, love it.
(43:14):
Love it. This show is sponsored by Better
Help. I feel like our cultural mindset
around therapy has really evolved in recent years.
Not just that it's become more normalized and people talk about
going to therapy, but even the motivators for going to therapy
have changed. Like, I think it used to be
(43:36):
that, you know, if you had some sort of serious mental health
concern or condition, you would go to therapy.
Or maybe if you had some really big issue or trauma going on in
your life, you would go to therapy.
But now it's it's so much more common and honestly something I
would recommend and I think is helpful for anyone to go to
(43:58):
therapy just to talk. Just to talk to a party who is
not involved in your life and has no stake in the matter and
who can listen to you, offer a new perspective, offer tools to
manage just day-to-day stressors.
Even. That is the biggest thing I
think I've gained from therapy. A place to go and vent and then
(44:21):
figure out a path forward. So if you've been nervous about
starting therapy or maybe you'restruggling to find a therapist,
especially at an affordable cost, I would say Better Help
would be a really good place to start.
We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com/not for
Everyone fully spelled out to get 10% off your first month.
That's Better Help. help.com/notfor Everyone.
(44:54):
What else do you? Want me to tell you a hilarious
story? Yeah, I do.
That's exactly what I wanted. OK, OK, this is crazy.
OK, have you ever experienced? OK, first of all, I I need to
say this is R rated content. OK, good.
This is R rated content. So Lori Zork or whoever else is
(45:19):
listening who doesn't want to hear me say some R rated
content? This is your sign.
I'm going to keep talking so youcan pause the podcast, Fast
forward a little bit, or maybe you just skip the rest of the
end of this if you don't want tohear.
If you do want to hear, great. Glad to have you.
This is R rated content. So have you ever had the
experience of like being pretty sick either like with a cold or
(45:42):
really bad cramps or whatever? Being really sick and you have
sex and orgasming makes you feelbetter?
Like have you experienced this? Probably not in like a super
notable way I guess, but I'm notsurprised by the statement
(46:03):
either. Like I feel like it's like
opening up your sinuses with some wasabi.
I feel like it's a similar. Feeling.
Yeah, it is. It is a real thing.
I've had it in a very notable way where I was like have really
bad cramps, but then I'm also kind of like antsy and want to
squirm around and I'm like, OK, yeah, specifically menstrual
(46:24):
cramps. And then like, and then they
completely go away. They completely go away for like
45 minutes or an hour and I'm fine.
Or I have like back pain and then it completely goes away for
like 45 minutes after orgasming basically.
Or I'm, I'm super congested. I'm like, I don't even think I
can make out right now. Like I can't even breathe.
(46:45):
And then it completely goes awayfor about like 45 minutes.
I would say is. It like a serotonin or like some
sort of hormonal like the good? Feeling it's a real thing.
I looked it up. It's a real thing.
I've always noticed this. It's a real thing.
And then I actually looked it up.
This is fucking science. You came here for science.
I'm giving you science. This is not an old wives tale.
It is science. It is a combination of
(47:07):
endorphins and adrenaline that is released into your body by
orgasming. So like, you know they'll give
you a shot of adrenaline if you're like a football player
and you like break a finger, butyou need to keep playing.
They will give you literal like adrenaline or no maybe cortisol
to like keep you going and you can just get through it.
And that's what happens on a smaller degree.
(47:29):
That's what happens when you orgasm.
It is actual science. Of course it doesn't fix
anything long term but for like 45 minutes I've had this
experience so many times and what's great.
Yeah, I'm like so far, yes, we're talking about sex, but
it's not I don't feel our rated it's.
Only lightly R rated. It's only lightly R rated.
OK, so so that's the science. Now the story is the other day
(47:55):
I'm Justin and I had been drinking and he was pretty
hungover in the morning and weirdly he couldn't stop
hiccupping and it was actually pretty weird.
The hiccupping went on straight for I wanna say 8 or 9 hours the
(48:16):
day after. Like it was really pathological.
I wanna say I was starting to belike, oh, you're a crazy person.
Like there's something about this is in your head or
something like what's wrong withyou?
You're. Getting annoyed 'cause you're
like, you could fix that and you're just I.
Was like you can fix that. This is you think it's cute.
It's not. I was like, is this your trauma
(48:36):
coming up through hiccups? It's like, is this your what's
going on? Is this anxiety?
Like why are you hiccuping this much?
And nature cannot explain it. And I'm and we kept doing like
all the tricks, like everyone has their own like hiccup
solution trick and blah, blah, blah.
I have mine. And usually it's like, you know,
holding your breath and swallowing or drinking water or
(48:57):
something, whatever. And nothing was helping.
This started at 8:00, maybe like8:00 in the morning.
It went on all morning, all afternoon to the evening to the
point where it was like he was starting to understandably get
mad 'cause we were trying to like read a book together and he
couldn't read 'cause he was hiccuping.
And it was, it was so fast. The hiccups weren't even a
(49:18):
minute apart. They were like 15 seconds apart.
Like it was crazy. He couldn't sleep.
He was hiccuping non-stop. It was bedtime.
He couldn't read. Like it was pretty crazy.
We tried to like make out and hewas like I can't kiss.
I'm just like, it was non-stop hiccupping.
It was crazy and all of a suddenI was like, Oh my God.
(49:39):
You know, it's the only thing that ever fixes or like puts on
pause. A medical issue for me is like
medical issues that I can't findany other solution to is having
sex and having an orgasm. And so I didn't say anything
because I didn't want to get in his head.
I didn't say anything. I just like started making moves
(50:02):
and I'm, I was like, OK, I'm notgoing to say anything about it.
I'm just going to just going to go down on him R rated part.
I'm just going to go down on himand we'll see what happens.
And you know, he was actually kind of trying to stop me
because he was like, I'm just feel like such an idiot.
I keep but I just persisted. I just believed in the cause and
(50:25):
got them to the finish line and guess what happened?
No, they were gone forever the no way.
The hiccups were gone, yes. That, yes, is unbelievable.
You are, I was so fucking delighted.
I was so delighted. And I and then after the fact, I
(50:46):
still waited like, you know, like 5 minutes or so and I was
like, where's your hiccups, bro?And they were gone.
They were gone for the rest of the night.
And I, I, I think it's just likethere's something biologically,
I think that it's like your bodyso wants to reproduce that
they're like, listen, cool it oneverything else we're doing,
(51:06):
stop. Everything else unnecessary that
we're doing stop just hiccups. We couldn't stop them for 9
hours all day long. Wow, I'm Googling right now
because as you were talking about.
OK, first of all, you're a genius.
Let me back up. Let me back.
Up can I like can I get a? Is it possible for me to get a
patent or? Something I do.
(51:28):
For like the hiccup, the hiccup blow job, like peace.
Prize worthy, I think. It's a Peace Prize.
I think it is. A Peace Prize.
I brought peace to my home. When you were talking about the
science before getting to the R rated part, and you said
adrenaline and endorphins both. Yeah.
So as you were saying that, I was like, I wonder if this is
(51:50):
only for women because men notoriously, like, get kind of
sleepy after sex. Like I think they have a.
Different, so they have different release and.
I just looked it up and they do they're well, endorphins are
still part of it but there's like I don't think adrenaline is
part of the picture for them. Whatever, Either way, it still
(52:11):
works. It's still.
The way I win. Either way, you win.
And I wonder we have to find out.
We have to now. We have to like, work on a whole
like publication. Research grant, Yeah.
The NIH, like I we're going to be very busy for the next couple
of. Months we, we, we were joking
afterwards. He was like, well, we're going
(52:32):
to have to do like a lot of, youknow, repeated experiments and
like to get a control, like to, you know, to get good data.
I was like, I know it's going tobe a lot of work.
Well, because you have to get a bunch of subjects who are
hiccuping for a sustained periodof time.
Like first you have to set up the group that's going to have
the hiccups and then you have toget them the blowjob.
(52:54):
So it's just like, there's a lotthat's a lot of planning we're
gonna have to do. I would.
Prefer not to do all of them, I won't do it but.
Yeah, and. Then have respective partners.
You do have just isolate the variables.
So it's like, is it just when Caroline gives it?
Oh. It can't be me.
It can't be me. No, I don't know.
No, don't call me a hero. Then we're gonna have conflated
(53:15):
data like. It's just really important to
isolate the variable. And then there's some people to
have the control. There have to be some people who
are just getting a blowjob but don't have the hiccup and they
just are having a good time. Exactly.
They're like, oh this is the best study I've signed up for.
There's no payment to be part ofthat study 'cause it's just.
There's no well, there's a payment.
(53:35):
Yeah, it's inherent. Speaking of doing like
controlled studies, I heard I was listening to a podcast that
was talking about the, the big gap in basically the big problem
of doing research around psychedelic drugs, which is that
(53:55):
any of like the, the observations and like the tests
and stuff that they could do around psychedelics are missing
one major cornerstone of our understanding of like scientific
testing, which is that you can never do a control.
Because like if you give usually, you know, to test a
drug, if you're testing an antidepressant, you give one
(54:18):
person antidepressant, you give the next person a placebo.
But you can't just give one person acid or give one person
mushrooms and have them not knowwhether they're on acid or
mushrooms, like, you know, and you can't give the other person
a placebo and have them not know.
So like you always know if you've received the drug.
And so that's like one of the, you know, apparently a big
(54:40):
discussed issue with a lot of the testing around like the
effects. And, and so one persons, one
scientist did like a PhD thesis where they were trying to like
correct for this issue of never being able to have a control.
And so their solution was they were testing for MDMA and for
some participants they gave themMDMA and for the other
(55:04):
participants they just gave themmeth.
That was, and that was the solution.
So it's like both people are going to be feeling things, but
one of them's meth. I don't know why I was just
like, is that the answer? I don't know about.
That so I guess the loophole is like they have to know they're
on drugs, but they don't have toknow what drug is that all it?
(55:27):
Is, yeah. Basically, they're trying to
figure out how to obscure bias. Yeah.
Reported by the research participant or another?
Yes, because that can affect it so much.
It was actually really interesting.
It was an episode on a new favorite podcast called
Unexplainable, where they go into all these scientific areas
(55:50):
where they know there's so much they don't know.
So it's not really about answers.
It's about like, these are the areas we don't really understand
yet. Things like dark matter and
stuff like that. And then with the psychedelics,
another solution was for when they were trying to study
ketamine more, this one researcher gave all the
(56:12):
participants general anesthesia.And so they're all knocked out,
they're all unconscious. And then they some get an
injection of ketamine and they get fucking high, but they're
under anesthesia so they don't remember.
And then the other people get a placebo and they're also under
anesthesia. And then what they really want
(56:32):
to study are the long term benefits of ketamine.
And the results were that the people who got the injection of
ketamine showed significant improvement in whatever they
were studying, but so did the people who got the placebo.
So the episode ended up being a lot about how much, like,
(56:54):
placebo effect gets a really badrap, like, oh, it's just lies.
It's just blah, blah, blah. But basically, how much of an
impact it has just to know that you're receiving care, Like to
know that you're going to the doctor even before you get
treatment will improve your health.
Like to know that you're signed up for an appointment?
(57:16):
Shout out Zach Doc, I don't think we're sponsored this.
Episode but shout out they they they'll be in one soon.
Yeah, yeah. But basically just how much of
an impact it has to know you're like getting care at all.
Anyway, Yeah, it was pretty interesting.
Yeah, I've always found placebo effect really fascinating.
(57:37):
I think I've. Not a bad thing.
No, it does get a bad rap, but it's not at all.
And so much so that, I mean, probably like middle school is
when I first ever heard that term.
And I remember telling my parents, I want to be a placebo
effect doctor. Like whatever that kind of
doctor is, that's what I want tobe.
(57:57):
Why 'cause you 'cause you hate medicine or.
What? Yeah.
I didn't ever really want to be a doctor, but my family being
Lebanese, lots of medical peoplein our background, like it's
very lauded. And so it was always something I
was, I grew up around and then Inever was interested in it.
But then placebo effect I was really interested in.
(58:17):
And so I was like, I'll do that type and my parents would be
like, OK, so you want to be a psychiatrist, like mental health
basically, which was like kind of related.
I mean, it's funny 'cause I ended up working in public
health and in mental health. Shout out Better Help which is
sponsoring this. Episode shout out whatever big
(58:41):
blow jobs or big hiccups too. Yeah, but I thought, I really
have always thought placebo effect is so amazing.
And I don't know, you hear even with something as simple as like
NA beverages, like giving peopleregular beer and NA beer and
people report feeling tipsy whenthey had the NA beer and didn't
(59:02):
know like it's I don't know, like I'm down, I'm down to think
I'm drunk when I'm only having non alcoholic beer.
That sounds great. Sounds really.
Great. Totally.
Yeah, There are real physical effects in your, in your mind,
in your mental health and in your body and in your healing.
(59:22):
Like, it's not fake, fake effects.
Like, oh, you just report feeling drunk 'cause you want to
be included. It's like it can have very real
physical effects. You know, different degrees for
different things. But it is fascinating, very
fascinating. Yeah.
Oh, Hezekiah, tell him. Tell him the treat that's coming
up next week. I'll tell him the treat.
(59:42):
I love to tell them the treat. Next week we have our first
episode of the summer dating series that we mentioned last
week. Very excited.
We're going to do I think 4 total episodes over the course
of the summer, one every last week of the month, May, June,
July, August. All about dating.
So some of you have already started to send us your what to
(01:00:06):
do's and topics and just like dating quandaries that you're
dealing with right now that you need advice on.
Keep sending those in. You can send them to our
Instagram at Not the Number 4 Everyone pod, or you can send
them to our e-mail whichisthatsamething@gmail.com.
Not for everyone. Pod at Gmail.
Yes, and we are going to be diving into all things dating.
(01:00:30):
So very excited. Yeah.
So we also have a name for it. Caroline, please, please tell
them. Tell them the treat.
We are. We're starting our summer dating
series treat for all the hot girl summers looking to have
their summer. The series is called the Hot Not
Bothered Summer and it's going to be all about how to date
(01:00:53):
without losing your freaking mind and sanity and patience and
getting jaded and miserable. How to make it the most
effective for you. How to take breaks, How to deal
with breakups, How to know when to push yourself and when to
hold a boundary. All of it, all of it, all of it,
all of it. You're going to be hot, not
bothered this summer. And that is the dating series
(01:01:15):
that we are making for all our sweet, sweet, hot girls and boys
and everyone. Everyone.
All the coops, all the. Children what?
I really want is when people send us their input for the
series. I want detail.
If that means that you need to e-mail us instead of Instagram
(01:01:36):
us do that. I want detail now listen detail.
Please be use your discretion about what detail means.
Give us the necessary detail to understand the full scope of the
story. But at the same time, I get I
get daunted when we get the really, really long emails.
So find your right balance. This is I'm asking you to use
(01:01:57):
your critical thinking skills. Give us the detailed juice, but
also think Jess doesn't like reading.
So make it. You can do it.
You can make it right for me. Just think about all those
things. Thank you.
I love you. I can't wait.
OK, yes, everything just said. In addition, we would love if
you sent us, we would include more audio from our listeners.
(01:02:22):
So you are also welcome to send us a voice note.
It should be no longer than like30 seconds that just says like,
hey guys and summarize your question to us, your dating
question like the overall question.
So your question might be like, hey guys, my name is Sarah.
(01:02:44):
My question for you is, how do Istart dating again after getting
out over a really hard breakup and relationship?
And then that's your voice note.And then you can send us all the
details we need to know in writing.
But we would love to, for anyonewho wants their little voice to
be shared on the podcast, we would love to share like an
(01:03:05):
actual audio clip with you, yourname, where you're coming from,
whatever you feel like sharing, favorite color, whatever.
And your main question. And then just write out all the
details. So don't send a voice note with
all of that. Just send a voice note with your
name, Say, hey, you know, give us a compliment if you have to,
God forbid, and say your main Yeah, say say your main summary
(01:03:29):
question if you want. You can also, if you don't want
to send your voice, you don't have to, but feel free to either
write an e-mail, send us Adm Andwith either of those, write all
the deets, not too much, not toolittle.
And you can also send so many required.
If you want your if you want your voice to be shared on the
podcast, send us like, you know,22nd voice note with your name
(01:03:51):
and your summary question. Can I rate their voices?
We can't wait to share. You not allowed.
Can you rate their voices? Yeah, you can do that if you
want. I'm the.
I don't know if that's going to inhibit people.
What if that inhibits people from sending in their?
Voice. You're right, I won't.
I'll just keep the readings to myself.
Still send them. OK, so she will.
Yeah, still send them. She's going to privately judge
them, but we won't make any. We won't make any pronouncements
(01:04:11):
about. Them unless I really like them
and then I will let you know. How about that?
OK, great. So the ones that you don't say
anything about are just going tobe followed by very, a very
pregnant pause. Come back next week.
We're kicking off hot not bothered summer.
In the Wow series. Can't wait bye.
(01:04:37):
Should I be like scared or nervous?
Or I don't even know where to start with this.
This is crazy.
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