128. Hot Not Bothered Summer: Decoding Your Most Maddening Dating Problems (So You Don’t Have To)

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I don't know. I don't know if I agree with the
like right person wrong time thing.
I think that like if they liked you enough, they would make it
work. With the right person, you do
the scary thing. With the right person, you
stretch yourself. With the right person, you find
time to text. When you are excited enough and

(00:20):
this person lights you up in a way that nobody else has, then
it just is the right time. Hey, hey, hey, welcome back.
This is not for everyone and youare in the Hot Not Bothered

(00:42):
Dating series. This is a series all about
dating that we're doing this summer, and the goal is really
to make sure that you can date without losing your sanity.
I'm joined by my beautiful hater, Caroline.
This is your lover, Jess. Hello baby girl.
Hi, Honey Boo. Are you ready to talk about

(01:02):
infuriating dating conundrums? Yeah, these ones were making me
mad. I I had to stop reading some of
them because I realized the moreI read them beforehand, the
longer I have to be angry about them.
And then I don't know how to be by the time I'm on the podcast.
So it's sometimes it's better for me to hear them live and I

(01:25):
can discover my anger instead ofjust like exploding it.
Yeah, I'm it's also frustrating.We've you picked out some really
fun ones from the listeners thisweek.
They're they get in there. Yeah, I wanted to go for like
modern dating challenges that come up with like dating apps or

(01:46):
texting or just things that I hear people talking about a lot
as like super frustrating with the, with the like excess of
choice. I think that exists in modern
dating. I feel like that's what fuels a
lot of the problems we're going to talk about today is just like
everybody has so many options and can just swipe to the next

(02:07):
and the next and the next. And I don't know, I think it's
at the root of a lot of the stupid stuff that happens.
Yeah, I feel like there's also atheme in addition to more
options. It's you have the illusion of
having more information and so there's more things to stress
over and debate over and get in your head about because it feels

(02:28):
like you have more information to look at with data and the
rate at which they're texting and who initiates and what they
put on their profile and this and this.
But it's not actually usually information.
It just feels like it is. And then it's just more stuff
that messes with your head. It's kind of like how, you know,
just generally with the Internet, it's like, oh, there's
like more information about the world widely available.

(02:51):
And there's also AI and there's also people making shit up on
Reddit. And it's like it, it feels like
it's more information, but it's kind of more difficult than ever
to know what the fuck is happening.
Yeah, yeah. It's more information that
amounts to just more confusion instead of more.
Yes, it's so madding. I'm ready.

(03:13):
Let's work it out. Let's do it.
OK? This is our first submission
from a listener. OK, dating dilemma.
So I'm a gay 21 year old guy. Was on hinge and met somebody
who seems to be very sweet. Though one thing I noticed was
his replies between dates we've been on three are basically non
existent. He works full time and I have a

(03:35):
lot of spare time. Being a student though, it comes
across as a bit of disinterest, especially combined with the
fact I feel I know more about him than he does about me.
I told him on our third date that I'm going to want to see
him twice a week because I don'thear from him and he was very
understanding and seemed to wantto work with me on this.
We met up again and the date wasdifferent.
He seemed agitated, distracted, whenever I was talking he seemed

(03:58):
to be checking his phone. He told me we'd go out for food
and though we did get something small, he revealed to me his
mother who was visiting made himsomething to eat and he was
replying to her. This combined with his lack of
curiosity into my life was frustrating.
I sent him a message along the lines of hey, I felt a bit
unheard on the last date as you seem to be distracted checking

(04:19):
your phone. If you have something to get
back to, you can communicate that to me.
I want to feel heard and feel like you're curious about my
takes on things and my life, butI didn't feel that way on our
date. Now I keep worrying that he
might think I'm abrasive and causing conflict, but I don't
want to not give him a chance and shove him to the curb.
He has terrible replies so he probably won't see that message

(04:39):
until just before our next date,which is fine, but that'll be a
long and I don't know if it's something to confront him on or
if it should be a deal breaker. Honey honey baby, sweet baby Boo
child. I want to hug this person.
I just wrote down so many thoughts and I just want to say

(04:59):
like fuck no to all of this. Like no to you're don't this guy
seems annoying and you seem sweet.
I just say fuck no to all of that.
I mean I can say more but. I agree you're he's making a lot
of excuses for this guy, I thinkand like wanting to see the best
in him based on maybe like how he showed up at the very, very

(05:21):
beginning. But this is not OK.
This is not it's not even like the being distracted.
It's just the whole the way he's.
Treating you, you want differentthings just looks like you.
You guys are interested in different, different things.
So here's what I'm thinking about and I don't fully know how
to say it. This is kind of like first draft
thoughts, but I stand by it. So you help me figure out how

(05:45):
what I mean, which is that in ata certain point in a dynamic, in
a friendship, in a relationship,in a family relationship,
whatever, at a certain point in intimacy, yes, it's really
important to actively tell people how you expect to be

(06:06):
treated. So I know why this young
listener was trying to do that. I know he was like trying to do
that thing like I will. Well, you don't text me much, so
I want to see you twice a week. Well, you were distracted at
dinner. So like, just let me know.
I want, I want to feel heard in the future.
But so yes, yes to those things at a certain point in the

(06:30):
relationship, but I feel like when it's this early on, you
don't. I mean, you can say those
things, but I think it's wasted breath in a way.
And I'm sure there's like nuanced, exceptional, you know,
situations we could talk about, but on the whole, I don't think

(06:51):
it's great in the first couple dates to have to tell someone
how you want them to be expressing more interest and
attention in you, You know what I mean?
It's one thing if like there's alot of interest, there's a lot
of attention and then you get ina relationship and work is
really consuming them and like the attention has strayed and,

(07:13):
and some needs aren't being met.And so you want to like identify
that and maybe veer back a little bit, but it's very
different very early on to it tothis young guy is basically
noticing that the guy he's seeing isn't really paying
attention and isn't really putting interest in.
And when I see that early on, I say, thank you for letting me

(07:39):
see where you're at with your intentions.
I will move on now. Like, I don't, I don't, I don't
really think it's helpful or useful to spend time telling
someone early on they should be paying more attention to you.
Because I, I think that's the, if they were interested, if they
were intentional enough, if theyhad the, the interest in doing

(08:02):
it, then they would. I'm, I almost think early on
it's like you don't, you don't want to have to be instructing
them to pay attention to you. Yeah.
It's a different thing. It's a different thing.
I think it's very different thanbeing six months into a
relationship and being like, hey, I I know you don't text a

(08:22):
lot and I do value words of affirmation, but the attention
is there in all these other ways.
So that's why, yeah, I'm talkingabout this communication piece.
This just seems like he's not putting much effort or intention
or attention in. I agree.
I think that the texting thing, like being distracted at dinner,
being on his phone, whatever, isjust a symptom of a larger

(08:44):
problem. It is not the problem, the
listener wrote in as though like, I have this problem and
it's that this guy is distractedat dinner with me and I asked
him to put down his phone and I don't know how he's going to
react to me asking that of him. The problem is not that he's
texting at dinner. The problem is that he's showing
you in lots of ways that he's not interested in giving you

(09:09):
attention, learning more about you showing up and being present
in building this relationship. There's many, many ways he's
shown that he doesn't text a lotin between dates.
OK, that could be OK, but not with all the other things that
are adding up here. And I feel like you're trying to
give him credit by being like heworks a lot.

(09:30):
If somebody no sending a text isthe fastest, easiest thing, we
do it all day long. Actually, people who work a lot
are at their computer and their phone even more.
And he showed you on the date, he showed you on the date that
he is comfortable being on his phone in someone else's
presence. He's not someone who's like, I
try to stay off the screens whenI'm with people, correct?

(09:50):
He's obviously very comfortable doing it.
And yeah, this bullshit of like,he doesn't have time to send a
text. Agree.
It's not even a text. And I dated somebody like that.
And I kept telling him like evena text to tell me that you can't
text. Like even a text to say, hey,
I'm really busy today, but like looking forward to seeing you
later or whatever would go a long way with me.

(10:12):
And, you know, the guy couldn't adjust to it.
And yet when we would hang out, he was always on his phone.
He always was talking to his friends.
He was always looking at memes. So like looking at memes?
He looks my job. My job is looking at me.
Send me the meme. I literally remember telling
this guy like, just send me the meme, send me an article, like
send me something that made you think of me.

(10:33):
He's not thinking about me. He's not thinking about me.
So I, I just think like, it's a symptom of a larger problem In a
lot of ways. This guy is showing you that
he's not available to give you the attention that you want and
deserve. And like, even if he responds
well to the text you sent him oflike, hey, you were distracted

(10:53):
at dinner, and it made me feel this way and whatever.
Even if he responded well to that, I mean, I don't think he
will. But even if he did, like, what's
that gonna achieve? OK, So now he's like,
begrudgingly not looking at his phone at dinner with you because
you asked him not to. He's still not a person who's
interested in getting to know you.
So now he's just kind of againsthis will trying to appease

(11:17):
because of whatever he does wantout of this situation.
I just think it's not worth yourtime.
And when you talked about too like the difference in teaching
someone how to show up for you when it's early versus when
you're already an established relationship, I totally agree
with that. Like I don't think you should
have to teach someone how to be respectful.

(11:37):
And how to be interested. He's trying to teach them how to
be interested. And you're right, how to be
respectful. I think that's very different
than someone proving their interest over time.
And then you being like, oh, youknow, you're working really late
all the time now and things haveshifted and let's something

(11:58):
shifts, you know, but it shouldn't be about having to
like, yeah, I, I think it, there's just not enough
interest. And this is early dating.
Like you should be excited. Then think about I, I guess I'm,
I'm picturing the this sweet guysaid he's 21.
And when I was 21, I had not, I mean, I had not encountered

(12:20):
anyone that treated me well, wasproactive with showing effort.
And I didn't encounter that tilllike years, years later.
And thinking back, it was reallyhard to know what is this good
thing you're supposed to be holding out for before you've
had it. And so I, I would say, I would

(12:43):
guess this young guy hasn't had someone treat him with proper
interest and attention yet, otherwise he would see how short
this falls. And I really relate to that.
I ended up dating like horrific people because I was like, oh,
they showed minimum interest. That's huge for me.
I, I should be so lucky. What a win.

(13:03):
I have to keep it now. And I'm, and so to that I would
say like, if even if you haven'tfirst hand maybe felt that
mutual infatuation and stuff yet, think about any of your
friends or family members. You know, when they're early
dating someone, they're really excited about, not only will

(13:24):
they find time to text that person, if it's the last thing
they do, they actually usually let their other obligations fall
to decide. They actually might start
falling behind in work, falling behind in their friendships,
because when you're excited about someone, you make time to

(13:44):
send them a fucking text. So even really early on, I think
this is just a guy who is being lazy.
And when you communicated like abit of a boundary being like,
Oh, that's not enough texting for me.
I'm want to see you more. You know, you stood up for
yourself. And I think for some fuckers,
they like that and then they're like, Oh, I'm about to lose this

(14:05):
option. So let me, let me, OK, let me
oblige. So I keep this option around,
but they won't. But it's not going to make them
actually care. And it's, it's just kind of
forces it and it's, and it's, itdoesn't solve the real problem
like Jess says. Yeah, I just want to say one
last small, small thing, which is when you reminded me that
this guy is 21 and he didn't saythere was any age difference.

(14:28):
Not that it's so relevant, but Ifeel like he would have because
of like the other context. I just want to say that if the
guy you're seeing is 21/22/23 around your age, he is not that
important at work. Sorry, he's not.
So that's hilarious that like that's so funny.
Come on. He can step away from an entry

(14:49):
level associate job at the. One of the other interns can do
this. One of the other interns can do
this just. Worry, no more excuses.
OK, Moving on. This listener writes OK so for
the dating series and what to do, how do we feel about
location sharing with a significant other?
Is this normal to do? At what point in the

(15:12):
relationship should you Is it sketchy to not want to all right
sharing locations? Her story she says my best
friend caught her boyfriend lying about being sober.
It was his goal to be sober, nother goal, and she caught him
lying after he had visited a dispensary.
She and he had been driving around a lot that day moving and

(15:36):
she wanted to make sure he got home OK, so she checked his
location and he happened to be at a dispensary.
When she asked him about it, he denied it.
She explained the situation and he flipped out.
He blamed her and deflected the lie by getting upset about
checking his location when he clearly consented to sharing
locations. Months go.

(15:57):
I think the shift was an easy way to make her feel crazy when
he shouldn't have lied. It is 2025 and nobody cares if
you smoke, but we do care if youlie.
My boyfriend and I don't share locations.
We've been together for eight years.
But I do share locations with a lot of my girlfriends and I like
the security of it. Are men just weird about sharing

(16:19):
locations or is it a growing pains into new tech as a
millennial? I have thoughts and like some of
them might even conflict each other 'cause I I do feel like
it's complicated. Yeah.
I think when it comes to sharinglocations, on one hand, I think

(16:42):
if somebody is like adamantly against it, someone you're in a
relationship with, a long term trusting relationship with, if
someone is adamantly against it,I might see that as like a flag,
like what's going on? Why are you so adamantly against
it? At the same time, I don't share
locations with Ryan. He has an Android so I don't

(17:03):
even know if we can do that. Probably not.
It's like a find friends Apple. Thing they don't exist anywhere,
yeah. Yeah, So I don't know.
And I'm kind of glad that we don't have the option to because
I did share locations with my exand it was a source of so much
stress and anxiety for me. And not because I was doing

(17:27):
anything sketchy, but because hewould be out late with friends
and I'd check to see where he was.
He'd say he was coming home, buthe was still really far away.
He wasn't where he said he was going to be.
Or I don't know, like it just even though it didn't confirm
anything about his activities and what he was doing out, it
was enough to make me spiral. And this is obviously because I

(17:50):
didn't trust him and there was alack of trust there.
So like, it's not that that's the problem, but like I said
earlier, it's a symptom of the problem.
So I don't know, I think on one hand, like if you trust the
person you're with and you sharewith them that you want to share
locations because it just feels like a good thing to do for
safety, then that sounds great. And if they're weird about that,

(18:14):
then I do think that's a flag. And at the same time, if it
depends on what your motivation is and like where that
relationship's AT and it can cause a lot of problems.
So I, it's not like I'm like, everybody should share locations
when they're in a relationship. I don't think that's true.
I don't know. And for me it's not a necessary

(18:35):
thing. And I've actually had a bad
experience with it where like I'm happy to not do that because
I know how I overthink. Anyway, what do you think?
Yeah, I totally agree. I think there's not one right
way to do it. You can, you can't.
I'm Justin has my location and Idon't want his.

(18:55):
So even in our relationship, we have different opinions about
it, which I can talk about, but ultimately I just think the
important thing is that sharing locations will not fix your
trust issues. And think about it like the
reason it feels chill to do withyour friends probably is because
you're not taking your girlfriend's location, like your

(19:15):
platonic friend's location in order to verify their stories or
in order to be able to trust them.
It's just like a tool to know like, oh, are we close nearby to
like hang out and catch up at this Cafe or like, oh, it's kind
of fun to see when they're traveling.
Sometimes it's not a trust building tool, but if if you're
using it in your relationship under the illusion, the delusion

(19:36):
that it's going to build trust or fix an issue, I'm first of
all, it's not trusting, it's tracking.
Tracking is not the same as trusting.
Knowing is not the same as trusting.
Trusting is trusting without knowing.
So we won't fix any of that because it's tracking and I'm
yeah, I also, I still have so many mixed opinions.

(19:58):
So when I. In a last long relationship, I
was always being accused of things that I wasn't doing.
I was always being accused of cheating.
I was always being accused of wanting to break up with him.
I was always being accused of being interested in other guys
or doing this or doing that. And it was completely false.

(20:21):
And my ex had a lot of jealousy issues and it was and he
terrorized me with it. This is why like I think he did
he have my location. No, we didn't even share
locations. But like it was to the point
where if I was out with friends at night and he wasn't there, if
my phone died, I would have a total meltdown because I learned

(20:45):
he would read that as like I shut my phone off so I could
cheat on him or something. Like it was I was a complete.
This is why I ended up a complete fucking chaotic mess.
Or if I ended up somewhere whereI didn't have cell service, he
might accuse me, accuse me of cheating and up with me.
And we didn't even have locations then.
We obviously couldn't handle it.And that relationship ended.

(21:06):
And then when Justin and I started dating, maybe a few
months into dating, Justin brought up to me.
He was like, how do you feel about sharing locations?
I do it with a bunch of my friends.
I think it's a nice thing to have And this I shut down so
fucking hard. This freaked me out so hard.
I was like Oh my fucking God, another dude who wants to track

(21:28):
me, who doesn't trust me, who isgoing to be like texting me or
angry calling me if I get stuck in traffic and I don't arrive at
the place I'm going to say I arrive at at the right time.
He expects me to arrive there. Like no fucking way.
And so I had this very harsh reaction to him asking, which we

(21:48):
then had to talk about. I was like, that freaks me out
because of this. And that was one of those
moments where, like, I had to talk to him about my ex because
it was so relevant and it was giving me such a harsh reaction
to him asking to share locations.
And a lot of people would be like, Oh my God.
She definitely says, no. What a red flag.
But there was a reason. That being said, he really

(22:11):
understood when we talked about it.
He was like, OK, I get it, not abig deal.
And then I sat with it for a fewdays and I think he just made me
feel so relaxed about it. And I wanted to let him feel
confident in us. So eventually I was like, cool,
let's share locations. Fast forward a few more months,
I started being very anxious, very insecure.

(22:33):
This is when my anxious attachment style was really
kicking up and I was really, I was having trouble trusting the
relationship and I found that mehaving Justin's location, it
never set me at ease. It only, it only gave me like,
more things to bounce off of because sometimes, yeah, there,

(22:56):
I don't know, even if he was exactly where he said he was
going to be. It's just like having someone to
watch, like, I don't want to be tracking you.
It did not help me feel like I was building trust.
It only felt like it it, it mademe more stressed and I found
myself being like restricting myself from looking at his
location because I didn't want to be thinking about it.

(23:18):
And then eventually I was like, well, I don't look at it anyway.
Why do I even have this? I don't want to be thinking
about it. I don't want to be resisting my
phone. I don't want to be wondering.
And I asked him, I told him I was like, I'm struggling.
I don't want to have your location.
It does not help me build trust.I know I need to be building
trust in therapy and in I'm communicating with you and in
working on myself. This is not helping me right

(23:40):
now. It just triggers me and he got
it. So to this day he has my
location and I don't have his. And actually even recently I was
thinking I was like, I, I could have his location now.
It actually would be kind of nice now because we live
together and it would be nice tosee like, is he going to be home
when I get home? Like is he out at the store?

(24:00):
Can he pick me up something fromWhole Foods?
And now if we had it, it wouldn't be a trust building
illusion. It would be just a logistical
tool. And so even recently I was kind
of thinking like I could turn that on.
I don't know. Yeah, it would like maybe make
like getting groceries easier orlike coordinating who's at the

(24:22):
house for a mail delivery. But it's not that fucking big a
deal. It's not a cornerstone tar
relationship. Now, I don't know.
I don't, I don't think I want it.
It's like I've gone several years without it.
I don't need it. Totally.
Yeah, I really, I actually really like that he has yours
and you don't have his because Icould see that working for me

(24:43):
and Ryan too. Like I yeah, I trust him.
We don't struggle with trust in our relationship, but I've
struggled with trust in past relationships enough and
specifically around the locationsharing of it all that I don't
even want to open that can of worms.
And like, it's just like, I'm not really worried about where
Ryan is. Like I just like, I don't think

(25:04):
it's going to add anything otherthan anxiety that we don't
currently deal with. So why would I want to add it?
But I could see him having mine because sometimes I'm like, I'm
like a little girl, like I'm a little baby, like, don't you
want to make sure I'm safe or something?
So that's where I'm like, it would actually make me feel good
for him if there was a way for us to do it.

(25:25):
I don't think there is for him to have my location just for
literally the the, the reason that I feel like people cite as
to why they want to share locations, which is safety.
Like to me that that means something.
But I feel like people referenceit as like a safety measure and

(25:46):
then they barely use it as a safety measure.
And that's where I'm like, OK, be honest about why you want
this. So I could see, yeah, I could
see a situation where like, especially if you're a woman who
goes out a lot and or travels a lot or whatever, and you want

(26:07):
your partner to be able to know where you are for that side of
things, then like, great. Or they want to know, like,
great. But I just don't think that's
the motivator for most people. I mean, that's why to me, as
much as like sharing with my friends can be fun because of.
Oh, you're in the neighborhood, like what are you doing or
whatever. Like I do definitely creep on
them sometimes and let them knowthat I'm creeping.

(26:29):
I do also think a big reason that my friends and I share
locations is safety because we're a bunch of women living in
a city. Some of my friends are single
and going out on dates with people who they've never met.
Like there is an element of likeamongst my girlfriends, I want
you to know where I am or I wantyou to know when I got home
after a night out or whatever. So for me, like that's kind of

(26:49):
the that would be my main motivator, I guess.
And if it's something other thanthat or like the convenience of
living together and coordinatinglogistics, like I just don't
think it's worth worth entering the chat.
It creates so much more stress. You don't know if in this
situation with her best friend and the dispensary, like,

(27:11):
obviously I don't love that he was lying about that, but maybe
he was gonna tell her like it sounds like it was his goal to
stop smoking weed, not her goal for him.
It was his own goal. And then he caved this one day
and he went to the dispensary and like, there's not even time

(27:32):
allowed for a person to reflect on that and and be like, oh, I
don't feel great about that. And I kind of regret doing it
and maybe I'll talk to my girlfriend about it.
She might have something helpfulto say or I want to open up to
her about it. I don't know.
I don't know this guy. I don't know if he's a good guy,
but I just think it's not as black and white as like you were
lying like. Yeah, that's a good point.

(27:53):
You know what I mean? You didn't give him time to to
even process the mistake that hewas making against his own goal.
That's not very fair. Totally.
Yeah, I agree. I agree.
And also like I wouldn't want toYeah.
To briefly touch on the specificscenario they sent, like if I
was that girlfriend, I also. OK, so like my boyfriend created

(28:13):
this new goal that he wants to be sober.
Great. That's a great goal.
You own your goal. And now I'm like kind of giving
myself the role of being his supervisor by checking up with
him on it. It's like, first of all, he
didn't ask me to have that role.I, I understand no one likes
lying, but like I don't even want to be debating whether or

(28:34):
not I want to now put myself in the role of supervising him on
this and catching him in lies and holding him accountable.
I think it's nice with your partner.
Like we build, we all have individual goals we might share
with our partner. It's nice to, like, remind them
of the goal they set from themselves and be like, hey, you
said you cared a lot about working out.
Like, how's it going for you? I know that's your value, but I

(28:55):
don't want to now be your fucking warden.
Like, neither of us want that. I don't.
I don't even want to be thinkingabout being involved in that.
Yeah. OK, wait.
I do. I also do have one counterpoint.
Yeah. In this is the in defense of
sharing locations. So ultimately also part of the

(29:16):
reason I ended up early on agreeing to share my location
with Justin is because I knew hehad had a previous relationship
where he was like chronically deceived by his partner.
And it's what ended things. He was deceived a lot and it
obviously did a lot of damage tohim.
And some of it was around, like where the person was and

(29:38):
location and stuff. And so it was this funny moment
where I knew so much damage had been done to me by my ex by
doubting me and questioning and me and interrogating me and
like, persecuting me all the time for doing nothing.
And I also knew damage had been done to Justin, who was like,
deceived a lot. Very damaging.

(30:00):
And so I knew it probably was important to him.
It probably was a little bit of a litmus test, like will this
new person even entertain sharing their location?
So that did matter to me. And I, I don't know why, like
the way we kind of waded throughit worked out.
It was like I was able to say why that felt so upsetting to me

(30:23):
and like triggered me. And then he respected it and
didn't pressure me. And then a couple days later,
it's like he proved to me that he wasn't monitoring me with it.
He because he gave me the space and then I was, then I had the
space to think about why it was important to him and I wanted to
make him feel comfortable too. And so in a way, in this

(30:44):
scenario, like, yes, sometimes Ithink asking if someone's even
remotely open to sharing locations, it can, it can give,
it can provide a little trust, just like the fact that they're
like, no, that's my business. Like, yes, that's sketchy.
But so I do think in that way, it probably did, it probably was
comforting to him. It probably was a good sign to

(31:04):
him that I was like, just the fact that I was willing to do
it. But on the reverse side, it also
was like a test for him. I, he was, you know, I was
basically saying, yes, I'm trustworthy here.
You can have my location. But then it also began a test
for Justin to be like, now I'm going to see if you, Justin, are

(31:25):
you going to use this tool to abuse me?
And that was a test for him too.So we both kind of opened
ourself up to vulnerabilities inthat moment.
And it I'm trying to think of like, those moments do come up
in dating. It's like deciding to be
exclusive with someone. OK, you're taking a risk.
I am opening myself up to vulnerability because I'm giving

(31:46):
my whole self to you. I'm not going to keep options
open anymore. I'm not going to keep hedging my
bets. And that's vulnerable because
you might be a person to hurt meand it's not.
There's no certainty here. And then, you know, like we're
having sex, deciding to like letsomeone intimately know and
touch your body. It's very vulnerable.
And it is kind of a test. It's like, I don't know what

(32:08):
you're going to do with this thing I'm entrusting you with,
but I hope to see that you won'tbe hurting me.
I hope to see that you won't make me regret this.
But like, it kind of was a test both ways to see that Justin
wouldn't take this trust I put in him having information about
me and like, hurting me with it.So in that way, I guess it it

(32:28):
was positive for both of us is what I'll say.
Totally. And I can see that, like I don't
think it's a, it's a never do this.
You're bad for asking for this. Not at all.
I just think it's a lot more nuanced than people give it
credit for. And it's easy to be like, oh,
this person doesn't want to share locations or oh, this

(32:49):
person wants to share locations.Like either way you could spin
it and make it very simplified as to like why that's a bad
thing, and I just think it's complicated.
Justin and I were both trying toprotect ourselves.
Yeah, yeah. Justin and I actually basically
had like the same reason, which was that we want to make sure
this relationship is different from our last one in a positive
way, but that led us to different asks.

(33:13):
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, very interesting.
OK, from a listener, she said. Last summer I started dating a
40 year old man who seemed promising.
He was consistent making time for me despite A demanding job,
and hinted at a future together,like meeting family or picking
paint colors for his apartment. Around December, he casually
suggested I moved to upstate NewYork with him for his work,

(33:36):
which surprised me since we weren't official.
I felt hopeful, but by February he grew distant, citing
exhaustion and saying I needed him too much.
We saw each other one to two times a week, but when he became
too busy, I tried connecting by phone.
Despite my empathy, he became emotionally unavailable and we
fizzled out. Here's my pattern.

(33:57):
I'm guarded initially, but when I catch feelings, the guy pulls
away. In the past, this was more
intense. I'd fall hard for men who
definitely were not worth the energy.
This time, I handled. I handled it with more poise and
the progression of the relationship felt more natural.
But it still stings to feel rejected.
Only once I am sure about someone, the pattern shakes my

(34:18):
confidence. I want to be my authentic self
and fall for someone without losing myself to someone who
doesn't match my energy. Dating feels draining and I
crave stability and a real future.
How can I stay open hearted while protecting myself from
falling for the wrong person? I'm tired of these cycles and
want to move forward confidently.
All right, so. I hate a lot of.

(34:42):
Thoughts. I'm trying to collect them.
Yeah, that's the love bombing ofit all.
Is. What pisses me off the most?
Well. Totally and that's also the red
flag like there those are signs he's asking you to meet his
family, move upstate for him andsay very cozy domestic, you

(35:04):
know, playing house things like painting his apartment without
being in an official relationship.
That's love bombing. That's dangling treats.
It's dangling shiny treats in front of you.
For validation a lot of the times, like for him, it's like,
oh, she. It's.
Fun. It's playing house.
Exactly. It's fun to play house.
No, those are the signs. Those are the red flags.

(35:26):
And those people often do. Then back out.
Yeah, I also think there's something important to note
about like, OK, meeting family is a good example, or meeting
friends. I feel like people will often
surmise from a guy wanting them to meet their friends or meet
their family that like, oh, he'sreally serious about me.

(35:47):
And I think that different people can have different
relationships to what it means to meet friends or meet family
or do any assortment of things, you know, move upstate with me
for six months because of my work.
Like one person could think thatthat's like, oh, we're serious.

(36:07):
And one person could think, oh, this is like a whimsical, fun
little fling thing that I could do.
And so I just think there's a lot of like assumptions that are
made about those types of moves and steps in a relationship.
And I understand. Also, none of them happened.
Also, importantly, none of them happened.
He hinted at doing them in the future.

(36:32):
Free words. Words are free, ho words are
free. They don't cost you nothing.
Dangling a sweet little treat infront of you.
And maybe he meant them. Maybe he was like, oh it does
feel fun to Playhouse right now.But like the actual grounded,
intentional, reasonable and considerate person would, if
they want to do those things, then they do that.

(36:54):
They don't have to just talk about them long before they've
talked about whether you're likeofficial or not.
Yes, agree totally this. OK, so this is a separate
message that we got and it wasn't specifically a what a do,
but it. Wait, wait.
I don't feel like we fully answered her question though.

(37:15):
Oh. This is like in relation to her
question. Oh, OK, OK, OK.
Yeah, yeah, OK. Cool.
Yeah, we got this separate message about like a theme
that's relevant in dating. And I feel like there's a tie in
with what this listener the the what to do we just read is
saying. So somebody else wrote in and
said let's talk about the bullshit of the famous I'm not

(37:38):
ready of dating in quotes. I'm not ready the fact that you
can't just say it doesn't work for me.
So we feel like garbage when twoweeks later they are happily
dating someone else. I lived this so much when I was
single and dating. I mean, I, I think my my
connection is just like, neitherof these are your people.
Neither of them are your people.The 40 year old is not your
person. And for the second one to do

(38:00):
when they wrote about like, let's talk about people who say
what's there to talk about? It's not your person.
Get the great. I'm glad that I don't care.
Lie to me, you know, dump me in public, you cheat on me, stand
me up, whatever the fuck. You're not my person.
Get out of my way. Like I'm glad you told me.
You're not my person. Get the fuck out of my way.
I'm moving on. I don't really have anything.

(38:21):
I don't know. I don't really personally feel
like, well, you should have broken my heart a different way
or like, well, you, you, you're already a piece of shit,
obviously, and now I'm expectingto you to have had like courage
and honesty and good communication and in how you
broke my heart. No, I don't expect that of
people. They they suck.
They suck. So like, yeah, the people who

(38:41):
suck that I don't want to spend my life with, they'll probably
suck when they reveal this information to me.
I don't even care. Get on my way.
I'm moving on to the next thing.I don't.
I don't think there's that much to say.
I think what I really don't, I don't know.
I don't know if I agree with thelike right person wrong time

(39:02):
thing. I don't think I do.
I think that like if they liked you enough, they would make it
fucking work. I think if they liked you
enough, they would be ready for dating.
I wasn't fucking ready for dating.
Like even by the time I was likefalling in love with Justin, I
was still, it was like hard. I was, I was kind of overwhelmed
and stressed. I was not ready to give up
living alone and protecting myself and like for I I dated

(39:25):
plenty of people beforehand thatI was like no this isn't fucking
worth it. But with the right person you do
the scary thing. With the right person you
stretch yourself. With the right person you find
time to text. Like I think when when you are
excited enough and this person lights you up in a way that
nobody else has or loves you or makes you feel safe or

(39:48):
appreciated in a way no one elsehas, then it just is the right
time and you make it. Fucking didn't work.
I OK this is how I feel about right person wrong time.
I feel like that means it was the wrong person.
Like it's as simple as that. Like the?
Wrong person all the time. Yes, and it's and for somebody

(40:09):
who it's the wrong time for them, it's always going to be
the wrong person. And for somebody who was open to
it being the right time, but they haven't found the person.
So it really depends then it hasto be the right person.
Do you know what I mean? Like it's just, I feel like
people try to simplify it and make it like there's person and
timing and you need both of themin order to find the

(40:32):
relationship. And it's like, think about the
things that people will do and bend over backwards to make it
work with someone they love. I know people who've lived long
distance for five years across like 3 continents because they
wanted to be married and blah blah blah.
They still don't don't live together and like, they're the
sweetest couple I know. And then, like, think about
people, you know, and what they will do this bullshit of like,

(40:53):
oh, well, I have a friend, you know, talking the other day
about like, well, he's going into grad school and he's like
concerned about his career. Yes, he's concerned about his
career. And it is so much more important
to him than you. The show is sponsored by
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(41:15):
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(41:36):
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(42:46):
OK, let's do one more, she writes.
Dating summer series What to do How do you handle seeing someone
you've been on a handful of dates with?
One to three make subtle changesto their profile, their dating
app profile. I've been largely single and on
apps for a long time, and I've kind of thought informally that
there was some sort of common courtesy understanding around

(43:09):
not updating your profile once you've met someone in real life
that you want to keep seeing. But also, if we're all out here
trying, I get wanting to make sure your profile is working for
you when you've only met someonefor maybe six hours total and
they're still a stranger. It feels like information I
shouldn't have. Like how are we supposed to date
and let something grow when there's just so much digital
evidence of someone's existence that you would normally never

(43:31):
have access to detailed context?I've been on three dates with a
guy and have really enjoyed all three.
He transitioned pretty quickly from the app to a first date.
I caught a cold and had to rain check a second date and during
that week I noticed he changed asingle sentence on one of his
prompts that referenced a concert that had just passed to
instead. Something not time bound.

(43:52):
Okay, we've since had a second and third date and we'll have a
fourth in a week and a half. He's been a little slow to
initiate dates. I initiated talking about days
that worked for number 2 and three, but he just asked about
#4 So I got a bit anxious and checked his profile again just a
couple days ago. No updates.
Today, the same day I heard fromhim to finally plan 1/4 date, I
was talking to a friend about him and showed her his profile

(44:15):
only to notice that he added a note to the standard section on
what are you looking for? He's looking for a long term
relationship, but Hinge lets youout a sentence with a bit more
detail now. He also changed his job title
and workplace to be more generic.
Part of me thinks this is a clear sign he's just playing the
field. He moved to the city five to six
months ago. I feel like I've been let down
by a lot of guys in similar boats.

(44:36):
But but another part of me thinks he's a sweet, awkward 34
year old looking for a relationship and maybe unaware
of app courtesies. Trying not to spiral too much.
And I'll probably ask a bit about what he's looking for and
his texting style when I see himnext, but it's so hard to feel
rejected by a little technology update so early on.
Am I being too anxious? Am I right to be hurt, even if

(44:57):
he doesn't technically owe me anything other than basic
kindness yet? All of the above.
I'm already tired. I know, Heavy, the heaviest
sigh. I'm like, what do I even say to
make this OK? Because The thing is that you
are bothered by it. So like, nothing I'm going to

(45:19):
say is probably going to change that you're bothered by it.
Like that is valid to be bothered by it, right?
It's OK. Yeah, if it was me, I would be
irked by it too. Like realistically, I would
probably, as someone who interpreted and defaults to
interpreting things negatively, I would also probably interpret

(45:41):
it and want to protect myself and interpret it to mean like,
oh, maybe it means he's not thatinto this.
Realistically, I would feel a little bit that way, but you
really don't know. You really don't know what it
means. That's what I mean when I talk

(46:01):
about like, it feels like you'regetting information about them,
but you really, you really don'tknow.
These are, these are not like factual pieces of information.
It's tough to have curiosity about what are you thinking?
Yeah, I agree with that. I also think like it's very easy
to take something like that personally because you're like,

(46:25):
we're talking right now, we are going on our 4th date next week.
Like we have done all these things and I like him, like from
your point of view, and I would probably feel similarly.
You're like, this is the guy I'minterested in right now and he's
making changes to his app profile.
So is he less interested in me or what does that say about what

(46:47):
he thinks about me? But I feel like if you can
separate it from you, that couldhelp a little bit.
Like yes, ideally, would the person you like not be updating
their dating app right now? Sure.
But at the same time, you don't know yet.
You said you don't know yet, like, or you haven't really had
the conversation yet of like, what are you looking for?

(47:11):
And maybe you haven't had a conversation yet about like
seeing other people at the same time or how much are you dating
and how much are you investing in this right now?
Like there's conversations you could have to understand
someone's motivation a little bit more at rather than taking
his word for what he's looking for from Hinge, like talking to
him about it and gauging what where he's at with within the

(47:33):
dating world. And I think some of those things
will maybe answer questions and help you depersonalize this
because to him, he's on a datingapp.
He might be talking to multiple people, seeing multiple people.
And there's nothing wrong with him doing that at this point.
And he's just updating his profile.
He's not thinking Sarah, I don'tknow what your name is, but

(47:56):
let's say Sarah, like, oh, I didn't like Sarah last night.
I didn't have that much fun on our date, so I'm going to go
update my app. He's just a single guy updating
his app maybe more frequently than most single men do.
I feel like guys create their app and usually don't touch it
very much. But he's he's perfecting it.

(48:17):
OK, fine. But he's not thinking like it's
not like a targeted attack, eventhough it feels that way.
And I'm not excusing it necessarily, but it's just like
depersonalize it, I think is is my advice.
Yeah, I guess like it is funny what she said.
She was like, it feels like information I'm not supposed to
see, which like totally. Yeah.

(48:38):
You know, there's so many parts,like private parts to dating
that we still get to hide and you wouldn't want someone to see
but that are true and relatable and real.
You know, on 1st, on the first date after I saw Justin, I was
like, oh, I think I like him. I'm not obsessed, like blah,

(49:00):
blah, blah, talking through it. And, you know, I obviously
became obsessed with him and I love him.
But that was like a very normal reaction to have to a first date
is being like, Nah, yeah, I'd like to see him again.
He was really cute. He was nice.
Like, I don't know, maybe this was wrong, but like those are
normal feelings to have normal things to go through, but you
still don't want the other person to know about it.

(49:20):
So it's like it can be normal and it feels like something
you're not supposed to see. I think especially I think the
number of dates they've been on matters a lot to me.
I think if I saw somebody updatetheir dating app after we'd only
been on one or two dates, it would still, it would make me
feel bad, it would still sting, but I wouldn't they don't really

(49:45):
owe me anything at that point. Like it's OK.
I think by like 4th date and shesaid this was like coming up on
their 4th date, then that's a little different to me.
But I still, I think I still would say like kind of get away
from making a conclusion based on the profile update.

(50:08):
I would just say focus on what is your rapport feel like?
What do the dates feel like? There should be enough
information there. Like if he's not treating you
with that much consideration or not being very present or not
being very commutative, then it really doesn't matter how we
read into the dating profile. It's like just look at the

(50:30):
information and how he makes youfeel.
So if if, if it's not really up to snuff on that end, then date
four. Yeah, I think they're four dates
a lot of my time. Like I think there should be a
good amount of intention by thatpoint.
Or if he is seeming to interact with so much intention and care

(50:52):
and interest in the vibe seem great by date 4, then I would
ask him about the dating profileupdates.
Like if everything if the datingprofile updates seem out of sync
with everything else, then I then I would ask about that and
just be like, you know, how do you feel?

(51:13):
How are you feeling Like this isour 4th date.
I'm really connecting. It feels like a lot of fun,
like, you know, I'm not trying to rush things, but I also did
notice that you were updating your profile and I kind of
wanted to know where you're at. And the truth is, like with most
awkward questions and awkward moments in dating, with the
right person, it won't be awkward like with someone who is

(51:36):
if if he is this awkward, sweet,maybe naive guy who doesn't know
the courtesy rules of dating profiles, like you said, he
might be that guy. Then he'll probably be like, oh,
yeah, I, I really, really like you.
Like, I don't know. I just thought like I was, I had
something outdated in my like, who knows what he'll say.

(51:56):
But then the guy who's fucking around would, will maybe the guy
who's fucking around and wants to keep fucking around will act
weirded out by you asking that question, will act like, yeah,
I'm allowed to be seeing other people.
Like, I don't know why you're making it intense and like
that's information. So I think it's like the the
updating the profile, like it doesn't make anyone feel good to

(52:17):
see that. But it's more about like how
does it align or not align with where you guys at are at on your
dates? I also wasn't clear from the
listener how excited she feels about him.
I didn't actually hear from her if she's like, she didn't
necessarily communicate or writethat she is really, really into

(52:41):
this guy. She just said they had like a
smattering of dates and they hada next one coming up.
So if you're not super set and sure about him, then I also
don't know why he needs to be. I agree.
I think that from my read of thesituation, from what we know,

(53:02):
she's doing a lot of analyzing his moves, but not necessarily
at least not reflecting back to us like what she likes about him
or. What are you feeling?
What she's feeling, where are you?
Because even the way she spoke about the different dates was
very like, so, so we had this date and then he changed this
thing on his profile and then wehad this date and then it took a

(53:23):
while for the next date to get scheduled, but he did schedule
it. And it was just very much like
getting caught up in the weeds and the mechanics of like who's
who's communicating when and what dates have been happened
and what happened in between. And like trying to read through
the lines of a lot of this stuffthat just happens in dating.
And especially with like technology involved.

(53:47):
I feel this is not fact. But I do feel that if you're
doing that type of over analyzing, it's not a great
sign. Agree.
And I also think that if I'm being like really, really
honest, I also do feel like I'vebeen in situations where I've

(54:09):
been dating somebody and they kind of demonstrate like not
full F boy behaviours, but like kind of orange flags where I'm
like, that could be a red flag, but I don't know.
He seems really nice. He's really sweet.
Like I'll, I'll create a narrative about this person.
I don't know based on very few interactions where I'm like, no,

(54:31):
but he's a really nice guy. Why?
Because he like because we laughed at dinner or like he's a
really nice guy. Why?
Because he has a lot of like girlfriends or something like.
Yeah, because he's because he's soft spoken, because he's nerdy,
because he's nerdy. Soft spoken boys are fuck boys
too. That is nothing being nerdy or
being quiet or being awkward has.

(54:51):
Nothing polite. With, they just have nothing to
do with character and it has nothing to do with intention.
Yeah. No, it doesn't.
And I I just like the more I satwith this what to do and thought
about it, the more I was like, Ijust, I have a hunch that this
isn't the guy. I feel like you're giving him a
lot of grace and that's fair because you don't know him and

(55:13):
these aren't things to like fully blow up and and cancel
somebody about. But it just feels like he is
demonstrating behavior that makes you feel weird and that
makes you feel like you need to overanalyze.
And that's already enough for meto be like, yeah, then that's
not the guy. And I do think with dating app

(55:37):
updates specifically, it's interesting that she references
like a courtesy, a common courtesy and like unspoken
understanding that people don't update their apps.
Because I don't really feel thatway.
I feel like if you're dating somebody who's serious about
you, then they're probably not updating their apps because
they're not looking at the apps anymore.

(55:58):
Cuz they're not thinking about. It yeah, they're not thinking
about it, but if you're dating somebody who maybe likes you
enough and maybe is keeping you in the running, but is also like
open to continue exploring, I'm not saying there's anything
inherently wrong with that, but it seems like you're not aligned
with him on that. And that's where he seems to be
at. And that's the type of person
who would be updating their app is like, I'm still open to

(56:19):
options. I'm not saying he needs to marry
you after three or four dates, but like you seem to, you seem
to want more commitment from hisside than that.
Like I don't, I guess I just don't think it's fair to chalk
it up to like courtesy. Maybe he doesn't know the
courtesy. I don't think it's courtesy.

(56:39):
I agree. I think that's a good call out.
Yeah, I agree. I think that like my guess, I
think both of our guests is like, if we had to place a bet,
it seems like the vibe is off. But at the end of the day, I
feel like we can come to that. We are getting that conclusion
based on it doesn't even matter the profile updates.

(57:01):
It's like it seems like you haveto look at the overall picture.
I just want to get away from theidea that like just one piece of
Internet data means this or that.
And you spend all this time, I relate to this.
You spend all this time driving yourself insane trying to, like,
decode messages that the internet's sending you.

(57:21):
And in the meantime, there's notenough reflection on like, how
does this person make me feel? Well, they're, I'm feeling kind
of insane. I'm feeling like I have to
overanalyze everything I'm feeling.
I have to, like, make excuses upfor everything they do and,
like, try to paint a picture of them as this sweet, naive
person. Based on what?

(57:41):
I don't really know them that much.
You've been on three dates. Like I'm doing a lot of work to
have to make it make sense. That's the picture I feel like
you want to be paying attention to.
And if you want to be sure, I think you can still just ask
because say it's exactly what wejust described.

(58:02):
You'll you'll get that from the reaction or you'll get it
eventually. Say it's not what we described
and he's really serious about you, then we'll get that.
But I also honestly like now that I say that, how could he be
really really serious about you while still updating his?
App, but also after three day they've been on three dates.
I, I don't know, it's like this Gray area.

(58:24):
I feel like if I were to bring it up with this person, I don't
know if I would say something specifically about changing his
app profile. But I do think I don't think
either if, if you want to just go for that, you'll get your
answer. And, and if he is the sweet,
nerdy guy who doesn't know what he's doing, then like, that will
reveal itself. But I feel like I would want to

(58:46):
get away from this attachment tolike exactly what you're saying,
the, the signs that you're reading from technology and
instead ask the questions that get you to the same answer.
So like, ask about what he's looking for, ask about how he's
feeling about you 2 Ask about seeing other people.
Like whatever those questions are, you can get to them by

(59:08):
getting to know the person and just asking more directly what
they're looking for with you. Then bringing up the app
changes, which might come acrossas a little like nitpicky or I
don't know, it might come acrossas too much after three dates.
I think after the fact that you've not said anything about
exclusivity. You've not you've not had

(59:31):
conversations really about how much you are into each other.
Like you don't even know how he feels about you.
I think you can still ask about it.
I like your idea of starting with just like, where are you at
and dating? Like, how does this feel to you?
Like, how do you think about us going on dates, whatever, right.
And if he's just like, if he's just shocked that you're asking
that and he's like, yeah, where's this coming from?
Like, I, I like you so much. I've never connected with
anybody this much, blah, blah, blah.

(59:52):
Like this feels so this feels. So then I would be like oh OK,
well I have to ask a question that it feels silly to ask but I
like was showing a friend your dating profile and I saw.
I happen to see that you like updated something and I think it
got me in my head, you know, questioning maybe this isn't,
you know, a serious thing to theyou and like that happens in

(01:00:15):
dating. So I know it's awkward to ask
about, but like, I think it it gave me mixed messages.
I think you can bring it up if if his answer doesn't align, you
know what I mean. I guess my point is like, don't
waste your time if you ask thosetypes of questions and he's
like, you know, I'm having fun with you, but I'm still whatever

(01:00:36):
he says, like it. You got to read that question
first, I think. I know it is so funny.
I think it just, it brings me back kind of to what you said of
just being like, I think the vibe is off.
Like that's my guess. It's not a fact.
And I've, I've had guesses before in my own relationships
that were wrong. But yeah, I would end up feeling
like the vibe is off. Like, OK, there's app courtesy

(01:00:58):
things, but you don't have to teach someone like to be
interested. Yeah, you don't have to teach
someone to be like what it is tobe excited about someone.
And I think that I would kind ofjust be left with the feeling of
like, is this someone who's always looking for the next best
thing? Because there is a lot of that
in online dating. There's there's a lot of people.

(01:01:18):
That's something people described all the time of like,
oh, there's such an abundance. Like, how are how do you not,
you know, choose all the time tojust trade for the next new
thing? I never felt that temptation.
That was never some I real. I heard so many people talk
about that temptation and I was like, I really don't relate.
Like if I meet someone great, that feels fucking the like the

(01:01:40):
rarest thing that's ever happened it it's not like I'm
meeting people who I think are so amazing every month.
So what do you even mean by that?
I really, really didn't understand people who were who
describe like struggling with always want to upgrade to the

(01:02:02):
new shiny toy. That to me just says a lot about
them and how they're relating topeople.
Yeah, and that the the type of person who has that problem on
app dating is the type of personwho's not app dating for
something serious like. Yeah, that's because you're in
this to just like. For validation.

(01:02:23):
Be casual and have fun and yes, get validation and whatever.
You're not in it to find a person.
I feel like it was often like a lot of guys who like didn't get
late enough when in their previous dating years.
And so they're just trying to see like, what's the hottest
girl I can get to hook up with me.
Like, oh, I got this hot one, but like, what if I get another
really hot one? But like, oh, but I met this one
and like she seems higher status.

(01:02:44):
So like, what if I can add this one to myself?
Validation roster and like, yeah, I feel like that was the
vibe a lot. 100% and that's the reason honestly, I think that's
a big the reason for guys who become pen pals and just want to
live in your phone like they just want to know that the
option is there. You swiped right on them them on

(01:03:05):
an app so they know that you find them attractive and like
they just are collecting their validation stickers in their
little notebook. Like that's obviously I know
that a lot of people listening feel like that's every guy and
it's not every guy. But if you keep running into
that, then I do think you shouldbe more honest with yourself

(01:03:25):
about like identifying those signals sooner and just being
like, OK, if I feel weird, then that's enough of a signal.
I don't need to understand what every single move he makes means
because I'm not liking it. A trend in a few of the what a
do's today has been encounteringpeople in dating who are just

(01:03:46):
kind of like passing the time with you and like maybe they're
having fun. Well said.
Maybe they're you know, your your company, your good company
for that. It doesn't mean there's anything
wrong with you. You know, you're good company.
They could have not continued after the first date with you if
they didn't like you or weren't attracted to you.
So it's not really that they don't like you or they're not
attracted to you, but it's not enough for what will get them to

(01:04:09):
be serious or they're not in a place where they want to be
serious. But they're like this person's
cool, this person's hot, this person's fun, this person's
whatever. I can pass time with them.
And I do think it's interesting whenever people name somebody's
age in a what to do. Like I started dating a 40 year
old man is how this woman's whatto do began.

(01:04:31):
That doesn't mean anything, honey.
I've dated people in their 40s or people older than me who you
know, didn't have their shit together, didn't want something
serious. I've dated people younger than
me who were actually quite mature but it just didn't work
out. And I've dated every like
combination in between. I feel like we try to make age
like mean something. Oh, he's 40 so when he talks

(01:04:55):
about painting a house together he means it cuz he owns his
house. Like no, he's just passing time.
He can still be passing time. Yeah.
They can still be fuckers at 40 On the topic of like, she asked
about what to do because she identified this as a pattern.
So good for you. That's like huge.
And I'm I think I would have. I would bet that there are ways

(01:05:23):
you can be trusting yourself more, trusting what you're
feeling more, trusting what you're receiving from them more,
paying better attention and not like talking yourself out of
shit. And we can't help you do that.
I think that's a great thing to do.
In therapy, I felt I didn't havethe same pattern but I had AI.

(01:05:43):
Just felt like a similar dynamicthat I keep getting in the same
pattern. How do I keep meeting the same
guy? How is this possible?
And therapy was so helpful to identify ways I was choosing
that guy. I was seeking the same guy out
over and over again because there was something, you know,
maybe it's something that's paired with his immaturity that,

(01:06:07):
you know, that makes him incapable of committing long
term, that you enjoy short term.And so it's like it's not a
coincidence that you keep picking these guys.
Or maybe no one's ever been romantic to you.
So when someone speaks so romantically, it feels so nice
and they speak about all these beautiful the things they want
to do in the future. And that is such like a welcome
blessing to you that you will, you know, you'll go above and

(01:06:31):
beyond for them. I don't know what the pattern
is, but there is likely a way that you there is more here to
decode and also more ways I think that you can look out for
yourself and protect yourself. And I'm not saying this in like
a victim blame kind of way. I'm saying it in a way that to

(01:06:53):
me feels really hopeful because this is how I felt where before
I was like, I, I don't feel likeI have any defenses to protect
myself against these guys who are like really destructive and
harmful. And then I realized actually
there is a lot that's in my control.
There are things I can pay attention to.
There are things that I can likeways I can listen to myself

(01:07:14):
better. And talking to a therapist was
the only way I ever started decoding I'm, you know, how I
was contributing or how I was like not listening to myself or
how I was whatever. So again, that's not in like a
this is your fault way, but in a, in so much as like, I think

(01:07:39):
there are tools that you, that someone can help you access.
And I'm that was really comforting to me and it and it
became really, really helpful. Yeah, I agree.
I, I do think like one last partof her message that struck me
and I think this is something toexplore in therapy or for her to
like get to the bottom of more, is that she feels like when she

(01:08:02):
catches feelings, the guy pulls away and I feel like I've
totally been there. Where like, I'm casual, I'm
cool, we're just hanging out, we're having a good time.
I'm the chill girl. And then maybe it's been a few
months. We've spent a lot of time
together and I'm a normal human with a heart and I start to
catch feelings and it feels likethe moment that that happens,

(01:08:23):
they're out. And I think what it what it
really comes down to is like choosing people who are
unavailable for the thing that you want.
And like they were unavailable the whole time for that.
The thing is that it was light and easy and it wasn't that
until it was. So it's almost like they're not

(01:08:43):
pulling away like they were all they you never had them.
Oh yeah, I don't think they're reacting to the fact that you
came on too strong. And I want her to know that
because I felt I spent so much time feeling like I'm too much.
I the moment I like someone, they pull away like it's my
fault. And it's the fact that I'm this

(01:09:04):
like person with a lot of love to give.
That scares. People and it's just not, it's
not a cause and effect. It's not like it's not this
response to what you're doing. It's it's the wrong person who
was never there for the thing that you were there for and you
were building. And unfortunately they weren't
building it with you. And it was only when you became

(01:09:26):
more clear about that and showedup in that way that they were
like, oh, now I got to pull back.
But they, they were never there to begin with.
Like that hurts, but it is the truth.
And I think the thing to exploremore for every individual
because you're going to have different reasons why you show
up in this way is like, why do Ikeep going to that person?
Why do I keep being attracted tothat person?

(01:09:47):
That's what I think is the hopeful bit is being like that.
And and what I think she might subconsciously on some level be
choosing is you are. It seems possible that maybe you
are choosing men who are unavailable and that they they
are that way the whole time. Because the love bombing kind of
person that is emotionally immature, that's not an

(01:10:10):
emotionally available person. That's someone who likes to role
play in a fantasy and then doesn't really want the
commitment already got their fantasy.
So that yes that I completely agree.
This is not like you remind yourself the right person.
It doesn't shut down the right person.
So you don't need to do anythingdifferently with your feelings

(01:10:31):
and with like being open to embracing people.
I think The thing is, could be trying to see if you are
subconsciously pursuing guys whojust were never right for you in
the 1st place. I did that, just did that.
Like we all I think have our version of that when it when it
becomes a pattern. But if you can like get more

(01:10:54):
curious about that pattern, you don't need to stop opening
yourself up to love. Like you don't need to squish
your feelings away. It won't be weird with the right
person. I have to go to a work call.
This is great. This was fun.
I love it. I'm so mad at all these men.
I'm so mad at all of them. I'm so mad at all of them but I

(01:11:15):
love. You guys don't deserve this.
They were like interesting and nuanced and really important.
This is stuff that like happens but nobody talks about I feel
like. And anyway, I really enjoyed
exploring them. So yeah, we'll talk to you next
week I think, right? Yeah, we will y'all.
Deserve better than these losers.

(01:11:37):
So keep your standards high and take breaks and keep listening.
Listening to yourself 'cause this ain't it.
This ain't it. Love ya.
Bye. Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep.

(01:11:58):
Yep. Yeah, yeah.

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