When Amanda Hofmann became a mom in January 2020—just as the world shut down—her life took a wild turn. A seasoned event planner suddenly found herself navigating new motherhood, postpartum anxiety, and total isolation. So what did she do? She strapped her baby into a stroller, started walking the parks of Wilmington, NC… and accidentally created one of the most loved parenting resources in the area: The Wilmington Mom.
In this episode, Amanda and I get real about what it actually feels like to become a mom—and how no amount of planning can prepare you for the emotional rollercoaster. We talk about the identity crisis, the burnout, and the mental health struggles so many moms silently carry. Did you know 62% of parents report burnout, and 73% of millennial moms admit they hide their stress from their families? Yeah. That.
Amanda also shares her personal experience with postpartum anxiety, including the vivid, intrusive thoughts no one warns you about. It’s raw, honest, and something up to 15% of new moms experience—but most don’t have the words or support to talk about.
We also dive into the magic of finding your village—whether it’s a moms’ group like MomCo, a local nonprofit like Fourth Trimester Mission, or just a few other women who say, “Yep, same here.” Amanda offers practical tips for introverted moms, and we explore how community can literally save your sanity.
Oh—and stick around for the part where we talk about how water literally calms your nervous system. No, really. If you take away one thing from this episode, it might just be: get in water, go outside, and call a friend.
If you’re a new mom, an overwhelmed mom, or a woman wondering why motherhood feels heavier than you expected—this one’s for you. You are not alone in this beautiful, messy ride.
👉 Grab your FREE Audio Training: Get Unstuck- 3 Strategies to Break Free from Unhealthy Patterns
👉 Follow me on social @notyourtherapist.kayla
👉 Ask me a question hello@kaylareilly.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
I am so excited.
Today's guest is the Wilmingtonmom, amanda Hoffman.
And trust me, if you live inWilmington, you have kids or you
even plan to visit with yourlittles, you want this woman on
your radar.
Amanda is an event plannerturned influencer, the go-to
guide for all things kidfriendly in the Wilmington area,
(00:27):
and she somehow manages to makeit all look adorable and
effortless.
It's awesome.
She's the genius behind thecurated lists like free things
to do with kids, monthly mom'snight out events.
And, yes, she's also apublished author of the sweetest
children's book, helloWilmington.
Oh, and she recently droppedthe most precious Wilmington
(00:50):
themed baby swaddles that I sowant badly.
And I don't even have a babyanymore.
Oh, that just made me sad andhappy all at the same time.
You get it.
In today's episode, amanda andI dive into the humongous
identity shift that is becominga mama the power of community
and why connecting with othermoms can seriously save your
(01:12):
sanity.
We even make a case for whywater has actual magic powers.
And no, we were not drinking atthe time of this recording.
So go ahead, lace up yoursneakers for a walk, strap the
babies in a car for a nap, ormake yourself a patio oat, milk,
latte whatever it is that getsyou going and enjoy this warm,
funny and real conversation withmy very good friend, amanda
(01:35):
Hoffman.
When people ask people look atme I was at the little gym we
take him every Sunday and one ofour buddies, the dad.
He was like so how is it withtwo?
Every time we go, how is itwith two?
And I'm like let's just say itmakes having one baby like a
(01:57):
picnic.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Yeah, oh yeah.
But when you're in the seasonof just having one, it's like
all consuming.
Oh my gosh, this is the hardestthing I've ever done.
I can't imagine life gettingany more chaotic or more hectic
than this.
And then the joke's on you whenyou multiply more and then
you're like man, that was a walkin the park and you just had
(02:22):
your third I know, but you'rehanging in there, you're doing
it man, I'm impressed when I seeyou in public.
I'm like you go girl.
You know it's harder for me,it's harder to stay at home than
it is to get out.
I 100% agree with that and Ithink if I could go back to like
(02:44):
when I had just had my first, Iremember going out in public.
Well, she was also a COVID baby, so we really didn't go out in
public.
But the thought of going out inpublic, right, and having to
nurse, like that, was, oh no, Ican't do that.
And then so what, if, what if Ihave to change her diaper, like
?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
you know you kind of you have this like mental stress
about it.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Yes, but once you get over that right, like once you
try to start going out and thenyou get in the routine, it's
like, oh well, this isn't as badas I thought you know.
And then you know, if you stayat home like we do some days,
I'm like, oh my gosh, this is somuch harder to stay at home.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Is that true?
Is that true for you?
Because this is true for me.
When they stay home, that'swhen they beat each other up,
when they get into everything,and undo the laundry undo the
like.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Yeah, everything.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
I tried to convince Robert.
I was like robert, be astay-at-home dad.
It was like fuck that.
It's like you work way harderthan I do.
Yeah, I would rather work it.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
yes, going in the office, I do think would be a
break.
It is is a break, yes, but also, you know, going to the office
all day and coming home andtrying to, you know, do all the
things before it's bedtime andall that.
That's chaotic too.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
So I think I heard once like you choose your hard
right.
Like staying at home with kidsis hard.
You choose your hard, you knowgoing to work and then coming
home and taking care of kids ishard.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
Choose your heart.
Yeah, and my mom both myparents worked full time
throughout my whole life.
I would go stay at my grandma'shouse sometimes, but you know
just watching her like pick usup from school and then drop us
off on her lunch hour.
She took her lunch at three sothat she could pick us up from
(04:48):
school and take us to whereversports or wherever we needed to
go.
Wow, and then get off work atfive and then come home and cook
dinner and do the laundry andlike that's crazy to me too.
So it's like no, no matter howlook at it, motherhood's just
survival.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
I know I was looking up little stats that I thought
would be interesting because wewere going to talk about
building a community and whyit's so important to meet other
moms, which honestly saved, Ithink, my life.
I think I would have ended upin the funny farm if I didn't
make friends with other moms.
(05:26):
But anyways, I digress.
Listen to this Approximately62% of parents feel burned out
by their responsibility, withnearly 38% feeling like they
lack support in parenting role.
68% of moms experience anxietyand 35% feel severe anxiety.
(05:52):
That's a lot.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Yeah, it's really sad , that's a lot.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Well, I feel like mine.
Actually.
I had a little bit ofpostpartum when I had Miles, I
just think because of thehormone.
Yeah, it's a lot when you havea baby?
Speaker 2 (06:10):
I definitely had With Brooke.
I mean, we COVID actuallyslowed our lives down Because I
got laid off the first month shewas born.
So it was actually a blessing,like I was like, okay, I could
just like chill out and go tosome parks and walk around and
stuff, um.
But when lily came along Idefinitely think I had
(06:31):
postpartum anxiety, because notthe depression part, I never
felt like down, but I had themost vivid, intrusive thoughts
and like about her dying rightyes, Like just scary things that
would happen for to her andlike I don't know, I would just
(06:51):
hype myself up all the time.
I was like, oh my gosh, what ifshe did this?
And then she'd fall off thatand then die and I'm like, oh my
gosh, this is crazy.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Okay, so postpartum anxiety is excessive worry, fear
or nervousness that occursafter you have a baby.
Unlike postpartum depression,ppd, which is more commonly
discussed, ppa is characterizedby intense, rational fears about
the baby's safety, health ormama's ability to care for them.
So it can involve physicalsymptoms like restlessness,
(07:22):
racing thoughts, difficultysleeping and constant sense of
dread and worry.
This actually affects between10 and 15% of new mamas.
However, it's oftenunderdiagnosed, so that number
is probably higher.
It can really interfere withyour bonding with the baby or
your daily functioning, and it'slinked to these hormonal
(07:43):
changes, sleep deprivation or ahistory of anxiety.
If it's left untreated, it canescalate into panic attacks or
obsessive, compulsive behaviors.
So if you think you'restruggling with this or you
think you know somebody who'sstruggling with this, reach out
for support from your doctor ora therapist.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Well, in the midst of it, you're like am I like going
crazy, you crazy.
But then I talked to a lot ofmy girlfriends and they're like
yes, I had the same thing, andthat's the beauty of having that
mom group.
You know where.
You're like, dude, y'all bereal with me.
Am I like?
Have I lost my brain?
You're like am I doing thiswrong?
(08:20):
I'm crazy.
Am I like?
What am I doing?
Speaker 1 (08:24):
wrong and it's like no, no, no, this is just
children.
Here's an interesting one 73%of millennial moms hide their
stress from their families.
Oh, interesting.
67% of millennial moms feellike a burden when they reach
out for support.
Oh, moms feel like a burdenwhen they reach out for support.
(08:44):
I think that's an interestingone just because of how we were
raised by, like the boomergeneration.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Yes, Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and you've
got this.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
I remember a neighbor saying I don't think it was
hard.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
You just got to do what you got to do and I was
like and then I heard more ofher story.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
I heard more of her story and like she left her
partner when her baby was two.
She lived in Queens, she workedfull time Like she was a
hardcore Wow Resilient woman.
One of these days, she's goingto have to have a good cry,
though, because yeah, yeah, Imean, I think people also block
it out.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Like you know, once you have a three year old,
you're not thinking about likeman, newborn stage is hard,
because then you have anotherbaby.
You block it out.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
I think that is two to three like really hard, or is
it just like more chaos to youralready?
Speaker 2 (09:46):
chaos.
So obviously I'm only sixmonths in with having three.
But and it's kind of a yin andyang type thing, because my
oldest just turned five and sheis very helpful.
So when I had two they werevery much still both babies.
(10:10):
And now, even though I have twothat are very much babies.
I also have kind of like thislittle helper who I'm like hey,
can you go grab da-da-da for me?
Or hey, let's put away thelaundry, it's fun.
Like there's little things likethat where I'm like I don't
know, three is almost easierthan two in a way.
(10:32):
But I also think it depends onthe ages and how far you have
them apart.
Girl or boy Temperament, thatkind of thing yes, absolutely.
And Brooke is just such a doll,she is very sweet and she wants
to help me, she wants to like,she wants to be praised and like
(10:53):
oh, I'm a big girl, look at me.
So, yeah, I'm sure it would bea little different with a boy,
but who knows, I've got a housefull of girls, so I don't know
anything about boys.
Oh, man.
I will say all of my kids arepretty well-tempered.
I don't have like a superdifficult kid and I'm sure that
(11:16):
would be a lot harder.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Oh, I'm sure that's so challenging.
I am so grateful when we go outin public and we see a mom
caring for a child with somekind of disability.
I am so grateful because I'mlike, I'm like I have a hard
time with two able-bodied, well,children.
(11:39):
I can't even imagine howisolated and tired and just like
emotionally burdened a mom withthat kind of a situation.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
They are saints for sure.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
I mean dads too.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
I don't mean to be sexist, but no, no, but yeah
Well, the mom is the comforterfor the most part.
I'm not saying dads don't, butyou know the kids act out the
most around mom and they,because they're comfortable
around mom, and mom is the, youknow, mushy usually.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
Oh my gosh, the Wilmington mom.
I should be starstruck if youweren't actually my friend, did
you know once?
So you came to my baby showerand you gave me your book and
which was so sweet, and I loveit, and we read it all the time.
And my girlfriend later textsme and she goes how do you know
the Wilmington mom?
(12:38):
And I was like Amanda, oh, likewe're friends, and she was like
, oh my God.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
So silly, it is so funny.
I am just a regular old person,a wonderful person.
Well, thank you.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
I'm so glad you're here, okay, so let's chat a
little bit.
I mean, we already have Ben,which is wonderful, but why do
you think other than what we'vealready talked about?
Moms feel so isolated, likewhen you first have a baby?
Speaker 2 (13:07):
I think there's a lot of reasons For me.
I had kind of a weirdexperience because my oldest was
born during COVID and the firstfew weeks of her life I was
able to go to the hospital, toMother's Milk Club, so I got to
meet a couple other moms thatwere like in the same season of
life, right.
(13:27):
But then when the country shutdown, all that disappeared.
Like we couldn't go anywhere,we couldn't see anybody.
At that point we weren't evenseeing our parents because we
just were so concerned aboutCOVID.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
That's so traumatic already, like I feel like having
a baby is traumatic in a lot ofways.
Yes, and then, on top of that,being isolated.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Yes, it was very isolating, but in general, I
mean you're, you know, you justhad this baby.
You're trying you figure outall this new stuff that happened
to your body because no oneever told you the full scoop of
what was about to happen to yourbody after you have a baby, the
mind fuckery that is yourhormones changing.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
Yes, it's like what is going on.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Right.
So I mean it's like everythingthat you're used to is totally
new.
You're trying to figure it out.
To go and like meet new peopleduring this season is like not
going to happen for the mostpart, although a fourth
trimester mission.
Plug Alex here.
She started this nonprofit andthey do new mama meetups, which
(14:38):
I wish it was around when I hadmy first, because it's like
basically bringing all the newmoms and saying like, hey, let's
sit around and chat, let's talkabout our.
You know, if you want to talkabout your birth story or when
you were pregnant and like howit's going.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
I think the lactation stuff was that for me because I
do a lot of the lactation likemeetup groups and I love how
informal a lot of it's, like wedon't need an agenda or a class
because y'all mamas once youstart talking about it.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Yeah, right, and come as you are.
I remember I would go and likewe were all in sweatpants and,
you know, a shirt.
Some people didn't even havebras on.
It was just like rolling inwith our mom buns.
Fight the patriarchy we arehere, yes, but that I mean.
It's just isolating in and ofitself.
(15:30):
You're exhausted.
You're barely eating.
Your body's crazy, yourhormones are crazy.
Your husband's trying to figureout what's going on, you know
like Our poor husbands.
Yes, they do a good job, theydo, they do.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Our husbands are actually friends.
They're buddies, they gosurfing and stuff sometimes
together, and I'm so glad theyhave each other, because it is a
unique experience for men too.
Talk to me a little bit aboutwhat made you start the
Wilmington Mom.
Did you start that right as youhad Brooke?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Yes.
So Brooke was born January of2020 and I was working full-time
with an event planning company.
It was my dream job.
I traveled all the time.
It was literally the best.
I loved my job so much.
And then, once I had her, I wasgoing to take maternity for
(16:26):
three months or so and duringthat time I was like what do I
do?
I have this little baby.
I got all this free time.
We live at the beach, but, mindyou, it was January, so it was
cold, but I would just kind oflike go out and start walking.
And I went to mother's milkclub, which was still at the
(16:48):
hospital at that time, so me andmy girlfriend would meet up and
have lunch and we would just goexplore.
So I started walking and likedoing different trails.
Well, during this time, myneighbor, who's a military
spouse, she would go on walkswith me too.
She had two young girls at thetime and she's like, hey, you
(17:11):
should share.
Like let me know where you'regoing, because we've lived here
for a year and I don't know,like any parks or any
playgrounds.
So I said, okay, that'sinteresting, because I've been
here 15, well, at that time like10 years, but I don't know
parks and playgrounds either.
Like I went to college here wedidn't go to parks and
(17:34):
playgrounds.
So I said I wonder how manyother people are like me, just
have lived here a long time andjust they have a baby and don't
know anything about kid stuff.
Because there's not like amanual you get like
congratulations your mom, here'sall the things.
So then the country shut downin March but during that time I
(17:59):
started an Instagram, which I'dnever had Instagram before and I
was like I'm just going to postlike where we go, walk in and
take pictures of the playgroundsand maybe it will be helpful
for another mom who's you know,in this same season.
And it's kind of ironic becausethen the country shut down and
everybody was like where do wego?
(18:22):
What do we do?
You know we can't be inside.
The restaurants are closed,like all the indoor play places
are closed and we need to getthe F out of this house with
these babies, yeah.
So, yeah, my neighbor wouldshare it with other military
moms and I would share it with acouple of my girlfriends and it
(18:42):
kind of just like spiraled.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
It's so wild to me how it became Well, and I think
the beauty of what you're saying, like about your journey, is
that your focus was on serving.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yeah, yeah, my background is in nonprofits.
I've always just had a heartfor helping people and you know
how can I be helpful, and so Itry very hard to always think
about hey, if it's helpful forme, how do I help other people.
So it was kind of a beautiful,you know way to help other mamas
(19:17):
.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Oh, and that's just so.
Your personality too, cause Iremember you and I met, I think,
before I was pregnant withMiles, when I was still doing
like IVF treatments.
Yes, I think so and I gotpregnant and you were like kind
of helping me out because I waslike what is going on?
We would meet up, you know, wewould see each other at cookouts
and I'd be like sharing thefeels with you.
(19:41):
I think I had like what did Ihave?
Some kind of like lightningcrotch.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Oh, yes, I remember this conversation.
What in the world is?
Speaker 1 (19:49):
no one would ever get pregnant if they shared with us
what this stuff is, they knewall this stuff, oh yeah.
But anyways, you were superhelpful and just every time
we've connected like littlethings I've seen you do I'm like
that's mind-blowing.
One time you were like a badassSwiss Army mom and you busted
(20:11):
out like a makeup bag of snacksoh yeah, the snacks.
And it rolled out and you hadall these different snacks Like
does Miles need a cracker?
Who wants a cracker?
You want a cheese stick.
I was like this woman isamazing, always travel with
snacks.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
That's like step number one of being a mom.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Now tell us a little bit about Wilmington Mom, for
someone who's never heard of itbefore.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Okay.
So during that time when Ithrew out the name Wilmington
Mom, I'm like, hey, there's nowebsite or whatever.
Let me just make a website, whoknows?
Let me just save the domain.
And at that time I didn't doanything with it, it just sat
very blank.
So today, that time I didn't doanything with it, it just sat
(21:03):
very blank.
So today, and my goal is myvision still there, I have three
little kids.
So it's slow progress, but Ireally just want it to be and
it's starting to be just a hubfor any caregiver.
You know moms, babysitters,dads, whoever grandparents can
just easily look on there to seewhere do they go, what do they
(21:25):
do, what resources are out there.
You know, kind of thatguidebook that I wish I had when
I first had my first baby.
You know there's so many peoplethat move to Wilmington or
become new parents here andthey've lived there here their
whole life.
Like I have a lot of followersthat I'll share something.
they're like what I've livedhere my whole life and never
(21:48):
knew that existed and it makesme so happy because it's so fun
for me and I feel like you know,yes, and I feel like that it's
helping other people.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
And you have all kinds of awesome resources.
Like you have a hundred freethings to do in Wilmington.
You have the summer camps,which, holy Moses, oh yeah, that
must have taken you a millionyears to put that together.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Yeah, that took a long time, and what an awesome
resource for moms.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
So if you haven't already, go check out
WilmingtonMomcom.
It is so rad.
We've talked a little bit abouthow important it is to connect
with other moms because it's sovalidating.
What are some strategies maybe,or some like tips of where to
(22:38):
go and how to kind of putyourself out there for moms,
even if you're not a new mom?
Speaker 2 (22:43):
Yeah, that's a great question because it can be a lot
right, there are a lot ofgroups in Wilmington.
I will say that as we come outof you know, the pandemic and
everything.
Everything's resetting andthere's also a lot of new stuff.
But for very new moms, fourthtrimester mission, she does new
(23:04):
mom meetups, does new mommeetups.
I try to plan a mom's night outevery month, just, you know, at
a restaurant or a bar, or we'vedone like a scavenger hunt
downtown, just different ideas.
I'm always open to new ideas.
We did a skating rink one nightwhich was real fun.
Oh, that sounds fun.
(23:25):
We did bonfires at the beach, atCarolina Beach Pier during
October.
So I try to have those everymonth.
I've been a little slack thisyear but I'm giving myself some
grace since I have a little babyand there is also MomCo.
So there's three different onesone towards Carolina Beach, one
(23:48):
in Monkey Junction and in PortCity.
Momco near Eastwood.
They meet regularly.
They are Christian-based butthey welcome anybody.
That's a great way to meet momfriends and just dive into where
you're at.
In motherhood, everybodybasically has young kids, so
(24:13):
it's a good way to haveplaydates and such too.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
What would your tip be for a mom trying to go to one
of these groups, but she'smaybe a little bit more
introverted?
What might your advice be toher?
Speaker 2 (24:27):
I know for my meetups I have tried very hard to make
it, you know, very easy to talkto.
Sometimes I'll always do nametags because we all forget
people.
I forget people's names that Iknow and then I try to put like
age of your kids and just makeit very casual, like you can sit
(24:50):
down and chat to people.
Actually funny, you say thisbecause two very introverted
moms um message me recently andthey said we are best friends
and we met at one of yourmeetups and they were like this
is so cool, um, but I know it'sscary.
It's always scary showing up toplaces you don't know anybody
or you're by yourself.
(25:10):
So you can always just comefind me too and just walk around
with me.
I'm happy with that.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I 100% believe that's true because you're a very warm
and easy to connect with person.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Well, thank you, but I also love talking and could
talk to a tree.
So, but with MomCo I know youknow they have signups and you
go and sit at tables, so it'slike a smaller group, so you
wouldn't be walking into a roomjust a bunch of people, because
I know that can be a lot ofintimidating.
(25:43):
So you can start with a smallergroup of people and then you'll
gradually meet everybody, um,and then I'm pretty sure the
fourth trimester are smallergroups as well.
I know Mother's Milk Club stillmeets through Novant, but I
think it's virtual.
So that might be a great way,especially if you're introverted
(26:07):
.
You know to be behind thecamera is a lot less threatening
than to be in person.
So I know a lot of people tojust post on Facebook mom groups
like mom groups.
Yeah, that was a big one,anybody want to go meet up at
the park, you know, then you canmeet just one mom Totally up at
(26:31):
the park.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
You know, then you can meet just one mom Totally
Well, and I will say that, likewhen you go as to one of these
things like lactation support,you already have something to
talk about because of thecontext of your meetup.
So I think that makes it a loteasier, and I will say that a
lot of these mom groups oftenhave hosts that are very
(26:53):
outgoing and gregarious, and Imean we all, even people that
have been extroverted theirwhole life.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
When you show up to a group of moms, especially if
they know each other, it'salready like, oh, I don't know
what to do.
You know like, who do I talk to?
So it is good that a lot ofthem have hosts, because you
know they can kind of point youout and, like, show you around.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Break the ice yeah.
Introduce you to somebody elsethat you maybe don't know.
Well, and I will say too that Ifeel like when I became a mom,
I had never craved the companyof women so much.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
It's wild how that happens, huh.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
Yeah, and like connecting to your feminine
energy and just wanting to bearound other ladies and girlies,
because it really is a uniqueexperience.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
Yeah, I mean, once you have a baby, just you kind
of bond immediately witheverybody else who has went
through a similar process, right, and then been up 24 hours and
feel like a zombie, like there'snothing really else in life
that can kind of mess youanonymously with other people.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
You know what's the craziest thing you've done when
you're, when you've been sotired, like especially the
newborn phase, good grief.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
I can name a couple of the craziest thing, I mean,
I've put things in therefrigerator that you know that
shouldn't be in the refrigerator, or?
Um, I've definitely.
I do this all the time walk,walk into rooms and think why am
I even in here?
Maybe a sign I'm getting oldertoo.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
I put wheat thins in the fridge.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
I continuously wash my husband's keys.
I've washed his wallet.
You know you're just going towalk.
You're a zombie.
You're not really sure whatyou're doing.
Yeah, one time I do this was.
This is a very.
I don't know if I said this,but when I had my first, I
(28:56):
remember being so tired I walkedinto a wall and I hit her head
a little bit and I felt like theworst mom after that, Like I
thought that she didn't hit veryhard.
I was so exhausted that I wascrying.
Speaker 1 (29:13):
I've almost taken Margo out a couple times.
I'm surprised she didn't passout one time.
You got that baby on your hipand her head's lollygagging as
it is, and you're whippingaround trying to remember why
the hell you walked in there.
It's tough, but she's fine.
She's fine, you are not alone.
I have whacked many.
Uh oh lord, it makes themstronger.
(29:37):
You know, poor babies I'llnever forget.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
Um, I went to see my ob six weeks after number two
and when I went to see her shewas like how's everything going?
You know I got two babies and Isaid you know, I'm good for the
(30:01):
most part until they're bothcrying at the same time and like
the baby's screaming and thelittle one's screaming, like it
just it's overwhelming becauseyou're tired and hormonal and
whatever, and I'll never forgetand I actually told her last
time I saw her this and it wasDr Garner.
She said, well, just remember,if they're crying, they're alive
.
And I was like thank you, drGarner, that is a beautiful way
(30:26):
to put it.
Yeah, that is such a nicereminder.
I always think about that, likejust think they're all crying
but they're all alive.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
So what a good reframe when both of mine cry,
especially in the car, oh god,yeah.
And then you just startsweating immediately and your
milk lets down.
And then you get to whereveryou're going and you're
flustered and people are lookingat you like it's hard when
they're in the car becausethere's nothing you can do.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
You know, especially when they're little like, you
roll the windows down, you turnthe music up.
That didn't work.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
You try something else that didn't work, and they
just scream I'm like I have sucha hard time not trying to like
settle them, so I'm like sittingthere like a octopus reaching
my arm to the back and going oh,just hold on five more minutes
yep, tried to shake the car seata little bit, try to rock it.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Yeah, you try it all, but there sometimes there's
just not much anything you cando.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
I like it when the baby cries and then Miles is
like too loud, too loud.
And then he starts crying andI'm like, oh God, that's really
sweet.
Actually, Dominoes Too loud.
All right, Amanda, what is yourfavorite advice to an
overwhelmed mama?
Speaker 2 (31:49):
Just go outside.
I love that.
Go outside or go get in somewater, ooh.
So bathtub, good Shower, it canmake everything reset.
Why is that?
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (32:05):
It's so true, it's very powerful.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
In my pregnancies, I always spent a lot of time in
the water yeah, a mom told methat early on and so right, like
if you're overwhelmed, itusually means your kids are
overwhelmed too, because they'reusually crying um.
But going outside, likechanging the scenery, but
definitely outside, for whateverreason, even even if it's
(32:29):
raining, like get go, get wet,you know, and then the shower
for sure Shower or bathtub likedoes something magical.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
It turns out there's a really scientific reason why
water has a deeply calmingeffect on us.
It activates theparasympathetic nervous system.
So when you immerse yourself inwater, especially warm water,
it lowers your heart rate,reduces your cortisol, which is
your stress hormone, andpromotes relaxation.
It's also got a hydrostaticpressure.
(33:03):
What?
Here we go.
I didn't know what this meant.
Water gently compresses the body, which can mimic the feeling of
a weighted blanket, whichreduces the anxiety and promotes
a sense of safety.
Also, buoyancy reduces physicaltension.
So while the water supportsyour body, it's relieving muscle
(33:24):
tension and joint strain, whichcan ease both mental and
physical stress.
And as if that wasn't coolenough, it turns out floating or
being submerged in water cantrigger a subconscious sense of
safety, because it's like beingin the womb, which is inherently
soothing.
What Amazing.
(33:45):
And it makes perfect sense.
Studies show that being nearwater induces a meditative state
, and watching or listening towater like waves or a running
stream has been proven to slowbrainwave activity and increase
serotonin and dopamine levels.
So turns out, it's not justmagic, it's science.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
But if you're super, super overwhelmed, you find
someone to watch them kids andyou go have some time by
yourself.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
I had someone tell me the other day cause I share
that a lot too I'm like lean onyour support system and I love
it when people say like I don'thave anyone, and I'm like I bet
I could challenge that, like Ibet we could go through the
contacts list on your phone.
Or we had phone, or you have aneighbor, or you have somebody
(34:32):
on your Facebook friendssomewhere that you haven't
thought of for a while.
You have someone in your lifethat you can lean on and just
say like hey, and how normal itis.
It is really normal when youhave young children to be on the
verge of a mentee bee.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Yeah, you need to tap out sometime.
You got to take care ofyourself.
Speaker 1 (34:54):
Even if it's like to go to the gas station.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
Yeah, yeah, actually my favorite thing to do.
My husband laughs so he callsit time for me to touch things.
But I love a retail therapy.
That's just like how I escape.
And one thing that I've beenvery adamant with is my kids go
to bed fairly early.
You've always been good aboutthat.
(35:17):
That's a really good Thank you.
I've tried very hard.
The third's given me a run formy money, but she is asleep
right now so, but Ross doesn'tclose until like 11 o'clock.
So if I can scoot out enough tojust go walk around Ross or
walk around Walmart or Target orSam's Club or Costco, just
(35:40):
somewhere that I can just gomindlessly look at things, right
, I'm not scrolling, I'm notwatching tv like, get out of the
house, remove yourself, becauseif a baby cries, not on you,
right, your husband's there.
Um, but to have that time justfor yourself, maybe buy yourself
something you know.
(36:01):
Buy some cookies or I don'tknow whatever makes you happy,
buy a new outfit that makes you.
But you definitely have to havetime for yourself.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
Well, it's pretty obvious.
We had a great time recordingthis and hope that it serves
some of you out there Probablylots of you out there because
this was a really good episode.
If you want to learn more aboutAmanda, hop on over to
WilmingtonMomcom.
You can get a copy of her bookHello Wilmington.
You can buy one of herWilmington themed baby swaddles,
(36:36):
which is adorable, and you canfind tons of free resources
about the area Wilmington Mom onInstagram and on Facebook.
And if you don't follow me, I'mnotyourtherapistkayla Kayla
Riley, come check me out as well.
We had a great time.
I hope this served you and moms.
Take a break, find connection,find other mamas Community is so
(37:04):
powerful and remember that youare the captain of the ship.
The captain has to be groundedand if you're not grounded, go
jump in some water because it'smagical, Just like Amanda says.
All right, I'll catch you nexttime on another episode of Not
your Therapist.
Have a good one.
I am so excited.
Today's guest is the Wilmingtonmom, amanda Hoffman.
And trust me, if you live inWilmington, you have kids or you
even plan to visit with yourlittles, you want this woman on
your radar.
Amanda is an event plannerturned influencer, the go-to
guide for all things kidfriendly in the Wilmington area,
(00:27):
and she somehow manages to makeit all look adorable and
effortless.
It's awesome.
She's the genius behind thecurated lists like free things
to do with kids, monthly mom'snight out events.
And, yes, she's also apublished author of the sweetest
children's book, helloWilmington.
Oh, and she recently droppedthe most precious Wilmington
(00:50):
themed baby swaddles that I sowant badly.
And I don't even have a babyanymore.
Oh, that just made me sad andhappy all at the same time.
You get it.
In today's episode, amanda andI dive into the humongous
identity shift that is becominga mama the power of community
and why connecting with othermoms can seriously save your
(01:12):
sanity.
We even make a case for whywater has actual magic powers.
And no, we were not drinking atthe time of this recording.
So go ahead, lace up yoursneakers for a walk, strap the
babies in a car for a nap, ormake yourself a patio oat, milk,
latte whatever it is that getsyou going and enjoy this warm,
funny and real conversation withmy very good friend, amanda
(01:35):
Hoffman.
When people ask people look atme I was at the little gym we
take him every Sunday and one ofour buddies, the dad.
He was like so how is it withtwo?
Every time we go, how is itwith two?
And I'm like let's just say itmakes having one baby like a
(01:57):
picnic.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Yeah, oh yeah.
But when you're in the seasonof just having one, it's like
all consuming.
Oh my gosh, this is the hardestthing I've ever done.
I can't imagine life gettingany more chaotic or more hectic
than this.
And then the joke's on you whenyou multiply more and then
you're like man, that was a walkin the park and you just had
(02:22):
your third I know, but you'rehanging in there, you're doing
it man, I'm impressed when I seeyou in public.
I'm like you go girl.
You know it's harder for me,it's harder to stay at home than
it is to get out.
I 100% agree with that and Ithink if I could go back to like
(02:44):
when I had just had my first, Iremember going out in public.
Well, she was also a COVID baby, so we really didn't go out in
public.
But the thought of going out inpublic, right, and having to
nurse, like that, was, oh no, Ican't do that.
And then so what, if, what if Ihave to change her diaper, like
?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
you know you kind of you have this like mental stress
about it.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Yes, but once you get over that right, like once you
try to start going out and thenyou get in the routine, it's
like, oh well, this isn't as badas I thought you know.
And then you know, if you stayat home like we do some days,
I'm like, oh my gosh, this is somuch harder to stay at home.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Is that true?
Is that true for you?
Because this is true for me.
When they stay home, that'swhen they beat each other up,
when they get into everything,and undo the laundry undo the
like.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Yeah, everything.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
I tried to convince Robert.
I was like robert, be astay-at-home dad.
It was like fuck that.
It's like you work way harderthan I do.
Yeah, I would rather work it.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
yes, going in the office, I do think would be a
break.
It is is a break, yes, but also, you know, going to the office
all day and coming home andtrying to, you know, do all the
things before it's bedtime andall that.
That's chaotic too.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
So I think I heard once like you choose your hard
right.
Like staying at home with kidsis hard.
You choose your hard, you knowgoing to work and then coming
home and taking care of kids ishard.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
Choose your heart.
Yeah, and my mom both myparents worked full time
throughout my whole life.
I would go stay at my grandma'shouse sometimes, but you know
just watching her like pick usup from school and then drop us
off on her lunch hour.
She took her lunch at three sothat she could pick us up from
(04:48):
school and take us to whereversports or wherever we needed to
go.
Wow, and then get off work atfive and then come home and cook
dinner and do the laundry andlike that's crazy to me too.
So it's like no, no matter howlook at it, motherhood's just
survival.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
I know I was looking up little stats that I thought
would be interesting because wewere going to talk about
building a community and whyit's so important to meet other
moms, which honestly saved, Ithink, my life.
I think I would have ended upin the funny farm if I didn't
make friends with other moms.
(05:26):
But anyways, I digress.
Listen to this Approximately62% of parents feel burned out
by their responsibility, withnearly 38% feeling like they
lack support in parenting role.
68% of moms experience anxietyand 35% feel severe anxiety.
(05:52):
That's a lot.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Yeah, it's really sad , that's a lot.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Well, I feel like mine.
Actually.
I had a little bit ofpostpartum when I had Miles, I
just think because of thehormone.
Yeah, it's a lot when you havea baby?
Speaker 2 (06:10):
I definitely had With Brooke.
I mean, we COVID actuallyslowed our lives down Because I
got laid off the first month shewas born.
So it was actually a blessing,like I was like, okay, I could
just like chill out and go tosome parks and walk around and
stuff, um.
But when lily came along Idefinitely think I had
(06:31):
postpartum anxiety, because notthe depression part, I never
felt like down, but I had themost vivid, intrusive thoughts
and like about her dying rightyes, Like just scary things that
would happen for to her andlike I don't know, I would just
(06:51):
hype myself up all the time.
I was like, oh my gosh, what ifshe did this?
And then she'd fall off thatand then die and I'm like, oh my
gosh, this is crazy.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Okay, so postpartum anxiety is excessive worry, fear
or nervousness that occursafter you have a baby.
Unlike postpartum depression,ppd, which is more commonly
discussed, ppa is characterizedby intense, rational fears about
the baby's safety, health ormama's ability to care for them.
So it can involve physicalsymptoms like restlessness,
(07:22):
racing thoughts, difficultysleeping and constant sense of
dread and worry.
This actually affects between10 and 15% of new mamas.
However, it's oftenunderdiagnosed, so that number
is probably higher.
It can really interfere withyour bonding with the baby or
your daily functioning, and it'slinked to these hormonal
(07:43):
changes, sleep deprivation or ahistory of anxiety.
If it's left untreated, it canescalate into panic attacks or
obsessive, compulsive behaviors.
So if you think you'restruggling with this or you
think you know somebody who'sstruggling with this, reach out
for support from your doctor ora therapist.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Well, in the midst of it, you're like am I like going
crazy, you crazy.
But then I talked to a lot ofmy girlfriends and they're like
yes, I had the same thing, andthat's the beauty of having that
mom group.
You know where.
You're like, dude, y'all bereal with me.
Am I like?
Have I lost my brain?
You're like am I doing thiswrong?
(08:20):
I'm crazy.
Am I like?
What am I doing?
Speaker 1 (08:24):
wrong and it's like no, no, no, this is just
children.
Here's an interesting one 73%of millennial moms hide their
stress from their families.
Oh, interesting.
67% of millennial moms feellike a burden when they reach
out for support.
Oh, moms feel like a burdenwhen they reach out for support.
(08:44):
I think that's an interestingone just because of how we were
raised by, like the boomergeneration.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Yes, Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and you've
got this.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
I remember a neighbor saying I don't think it was
hard.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
You just got to do what you got to do and I was
like and then I heard more ofher story.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
I heard more of her story and like she left her
partner when her baby was two.
She lived in Queens, she workedfull time Like she was a
hardcore Wow Resilient woman.
One of these days, she's goingto have to have a good cry,
though, because yeah, yeah, Imean, I think people also block
it out.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Like you know, once you have a three year old,
you're not thinking about likeman, newborn stage is hard,
because then you have anotherbaby.
You block it out.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
I think that is two to three like really hard, or is
it just like more chaos to youralready?
Speaker 2 (09:46):
chaos.
So obviously I'm only sixmonths in with having three.
But and it's kind of a yin andyang type thing, because my
oldest just turned five and sheis very helpful.
So when I had two they werevery much still both babies.
(10:10):
And now, even though I have twothat are very much babies.
I also have kind of like thislittle helper who I'm like hey,
can you go grab da-da-da for me?
Or hey, let's put away thelaundry, it's fun.
Like there's little things likethat where I'm like I don't
know, three is almost easierthan two in a way.
(10:32):
But I also think it depends onthe ages and how far you have
them apart.
Girl or boy Temperament, thatkind of thing yes, absolutely.
And Brooke is just such a doll,she is very sweet and she wants
to help me, she wants to like,she wants to be praised and like
(10:53):
oh, I'm a big girl, look at me.
So, yeah, I'm sure it would bea little different with a boy,
but who knows, I've got a housefull of girls, so I don't know
anything about boys.
Oh, man.
I will say all of my kids arepretty well-tempered.
I don't have like a superdifficult kid and I'm sure that
(11:16):
would be a lot harder.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Oh, I'm sure that's so challenging.
I am so grateful when we go outin public and we see a mom
caring for a child with somekind of disability.
I am so grateful because I'mlike, I'm like I have a hard
time with two able-bodied, well,children.
(11:39):
I can't even imagine howisolated and tired and just like
emotionally burdened a mom withthat kind of a situation.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
They are saints for sure.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
I mean dads too.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
I don't mean to be sexist, but no, no, but yeah
Well, the mom is the comforterfor the most part.
I'm not saying dads don't, butyou know the kids act out the
most around mom and they,because they're comfortable
around mom, and mom is the, youknow, mushy usually.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
Oh my gosh, the Wilmington mom.
I should be starstruck if youweren't actually my friend, did
you know once?
So you came to my baby showerand you gave me your book and
which was so sweet, and I loveit, and we read it all the time.
And my girlfriend later textsme and she goes how do you know
the Wilmington mom?
(12:38):
And I was like Amanda, oh, likewe're friends, and she was like
, oh my God.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
So silly, it is so funny.
I am just a regular old person,a wonderful person.
Well, thank you.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
I'm so glad you're here, okay, so let's chat a
little bit.
I mean, we already have Ben,which is wonderful, but why do
you think other than what we'vealready talked about?
Moms feel so isolated, likewhen you first have a baby?
Speaker 2 (13:07):
I think there's a lot of reasons For me.
I had kind of a weirdexperience because my oldest was
born during COVID and the firstfew weeks of her life I was
able to go to the hospital, toMother's Milk Club, so I got to
meet a couple other moms thatwere like in the same season of
life, right.
(13:27):
But then when the country shutdown, all that disappeared.
Like we couldn't go anywhere,we couldn't see anybody.
At that point we weren't evenseeing our parents because we
just were so concerned aboutCOVID.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
That's so traumatic already, like I feel like having
a baby is traumatic in a lot ofways.
Yes, and then, on top of that,being isolated.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Yes, it was very isolating, but in general, I
mean you're, you know, you justhad this baby.
You're trying you figure outall this new stuff that happened
to your body because no oneever told you the full scoop of
what was about to happen to yourbody after you have a baby, the
mind fuckery that is yourhormones changing.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
Yes, it's like what is going on.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Right.
So I mean it's like everythingthat you're used to is totally
new.
You're trying to figure it out.
To go and like meet new peopleduring this season is like not
going to happen for the mostpart, although a fourth
trimester mission.
Plug Alex here.
She started this nonprofit andthey do new mama meetups, which
(14:38):
I wish it was around when I hadmy first, because it's like
basically bringing all the newmoms and saying like, hey, let's
sit around and chat, let's talkabout our.
You know, if you want to talkabout your birth story or when
you were pregnant and like howit's going.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
I think the lactation stuff was that for me because I
do a lot of the lactation likemeetup groups and I love how
informal a lot of it's, like wedon't need an agenda or a class
because y'all mamas once youstart talking about it.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Yeah, right, and come as you are.
I remember I would go and likewe were all in sweatpants and,
you know, a shirt.
Some people didn't even havebras on.
It was just like rolling inwith our mom buns.
Fight the patriarchy we arehere, yes, but that I mean.
It's just isolating in and ofitself.
(15:30):
You're exhausted.
You're barely eating.
Your body's crazy, yourhormones are crazy.
Your husband's trying to figureout what's going on, you know
like Our poor husbands.
Yes, they do a good job, theydo, they do.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Our husbands are actually friends.
They're buddies, they gosurfing and stuff sometimes
together, and I'm so glad theyhave each other, because it is a
unique experience for men too.
Talk to me a little bit aboutwhat made you start the
Wilmington Mom.
Did you start that right as youhad Brooke?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Yes.
So Brooke was born January of2020 and I was working full-time
with an event planning company.
It was my dream job.
I traveled all the time.
It was literally the best.
I loved my job so much.
And then, once I had her, I wasgoing to take maternity for
(16:26):
three months or so and duringthat time I was like what do I
do?
I have this little baby.
I got all this free time.
We live at the beach, but, mindyou, it was January, so it was
cold, but I would just kind oflike go out and start walking.
And I went to mother's milkclub, which was still at the
(16:48):
hospital at that time, so me andmy girlfriend would meet up and
have lunch and we would just goexplore.
So I started walking and likedoing different trails.
Well, during this time, myneighbor, who's a military
spouse, she would go on walkswith me too.
She had two young girls at thetime and she's like, hey, you
(17:11):
should share.
Like let me know where you'regoing, because we've lived here
for a year and I don't know,like any parks or any
playgrounds.
So I said, okay, that'sinteresting, because I've been
here 15, well, at that time like10 years, but I don't know
parks and playgrounds either.
Like I went to college here wedidn't go to parks and
(17:34):
playgrounds.
So I said I wonder how manyother people are like me, just
have lived here a long time andjust they have a baby and don't
know anything about kid stuff.
Because there's not like amanual you get like
congratulations your mom, here'sall the things.
So then the country shut downin March but during that time I
(17:59):
started an Instagram, which I'dnever had Instagram before and I
was like I'm just going to postlike where we go, walk in and
take pictures of the playgroundsand maybe it will be helpful
for another mom who's you know,in this same season.
And it's kind of ironic becausethen the country shut down and
everybody was like where do wego?
(18:22):
What do we do?
You know we can't be inside.
The restaurants are closed,like all the indoor play places
are closed and we need to getthe F out of this house with
these babies, yeah.
So, yeah, my neighbor wouldshare it with other military
moms and I would share it with acouple of my girlfriends and it
(18:42):
kind of just like spiraled.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
It's so wild to me how it became Well, and I think
the beauty of what you're saying, like about your journey, is
that your focus was on serving.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yeah, yeah, my background is in nonprofits.
I've always just had a heartfor helping people and you know
how can I be helpful, and so Itry very hard to always think
about hey, if it's helpful forme, how do I help other people.
So it was kind of a beautiful,you know way to help other mamas
(19:17):
.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Oh, and that's just so.
Your personality too, cause Iremember you and I met, I think,
before I was pregnant withMiles, when I was still doing
like IVF treatments.
Yes, I think so and I gotpregnant and you were like kind
of helping me out because I waslike what is going on?
We would meet up, you know, wewould see each other at cookouts
and I'd be like sharing thefeels with you.
(19:41):
I think I had like what did Ihave?
Some kind of like lightningcrotch.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Oh, yes, I remember this conversation.
What in the world is?
Speaker 1 (19:49):
no one would ever get pregnant if they shared with us
what this stuff is, they knewall this stuff, oh yeah.
But anyways, you were superhelpful and just every time
we've connected like littlethings I've seen you do I'm like
that's mind-blowing.
One time you were like a badassSwiss Army mom and you busted
(20:11):
out like a makeup bag of snacksoh yeah, the snacks.
And it rolled out and you hadall these different snacks Like
does Miles need a cracker?
Who wants a cracker?
You want a cheese stick.
I was like this woman isamazing, always travel with
snacks.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
That's like step number one of being a mom.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Now tell us a little bit about Wilmington Mom, for
someone who's never heard of itbefore.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Okay.
So during that time when Ithrew out the name Wilmington
Mom, I'm like, hey, there's nowebsite or whatever.
Let me just make a website, whoknows?
Let me just save the domain.
And at that time I didn't doanything with it, it just sat
very blank.
So today, that time I didn't doanything with it, it just sat
(21:03):
very blank.
So today, and my goal is myvision still there, I have three
little kids.
So it's slow progress, but Ireally just want it to be and
it's starting to be just a hubfor any caregiver.
You know moms, babysitters,dads, whoever grandparents can
just easily look on there to seewhere do they go, what do they
(21:25):
do, what resources are out there.
You know, kind of thatguidebook that I wish I had when
I first had my first baby.
You know there's so many peoplethat move to Wilmington or
become new parents here andthey've lived there here their
whole life.
Like I have a lot of followersthat I'll share something.
they're like what I've livedhere my whole life and never
(21:48):
knew that existed and it makesme so happy because it's so fun
for me and I feel like you know,yes, and I feel like that it's
helping other people.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
And you have all kinds of awesome resources.
Like you have a hundred freethings to do in Wilmington.
You have the summer camps,which, holy Moses, oh yeah, that
must have taken you a millionyears to put that together.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Yeah, that took a long time, and what an awesome
resource for moms.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
So if you haven't already, go check out
WilmingtonMomcom.
It is so rad.
We've talked a little bit abouthow important it is to connect
with other moms because it's sovalidating.
What are some strategies maybe,or some like tips of where to
(22:38):
go and how to kind of putyourself out there for moms,
even if you're not a new mom?
Speaker 2 (22:43):
Yeah, that's a great question because it can be a lot
right, there are a lot ofgroups in Wilmington.
I will say that as we come outof you know, the pandemic and
everything.
Everything's resetting andthere's also a lot of new stuff.
But for very new moms, fourthtrimester mission, she does new
(23:04):
mom meetups, does new mommeetups.
I try to plan a mom's night outevery month, just, you know, at
a restaurant or a bar, or we'vedone like a scavenger hunt
downtown, just different ideas.
I'm always open to new ideas.
We did a skating rink one nightwhich was real fun.
Oh, that sounds fun.
(23:25):
We did bonfires at the beach, atCarolina Beach Pier during
October.
So I try to have those everymonth.
I've been a little slack thisyear but I'm giving myself some
grace since I have a little babyand there is also MomCo.
So there's three different onesone towards Carolina Beach, one
(23:48):
in Monkey Junction and in PortCity.
Momco near Eastwood.
They meet regularly.
They are Christian-based butthey welcome anybody.
That's a great way to meet momfriends and just dive into where
you're at.
In motherhood, everybodybasically has young kids, so
(24:13):
it's a good way to haveplaydates and such too.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
What would your tip be for a mom trying to go to one
of these groups, but she'smaybe a little bit more
introverted?
What might your advice be toher?
Speaker 2 (24:27):
I know for my meetups I have tried very hard to make
it, you know, very easy to talkto.
Sometimes I'll always do nametags because we all forget
people.
I forget people's names that Iknow and then I try to put like
age of your kids and just makeit very casual, like you can sit
(24:50):
down and chat to people.
Actually funny, you say thisbecause two very introverted
moms um message me recently andthey said we are best friends
and we met at one of yourmeetups and they were like this
is so cool, um, but I know it'sscary.
It's always scary showing up toplaces you don't know anybody
or you're by yourself.
(25:10):
So you can always just comefind me too and just walk around
with me.
I'm happy with that.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I 100% believe that's true because you're a very warm
and easy to connect with person.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Well, thank you, but I also love talking and could
talk to a tree.
So, but with MomCo I know youknow they have signups and you
go and sit at tables, so it'slike a smaller group, so you
wouldn't be walking into a roomjust a bunch of people, because
I know that can be a lot ofintimidating.
(25:43):
So you can start with a smallergroup of people and then you'll
gradually meet everybody, um,and then I'm pretty sure the
fourth trimester are smallergroups as well.
I know Mother's Milk Club stillmeets through Novant, but I
think it's virtual.
So that might be a great way,especially if you're introverted
(26:07):
.
You know to be behind thecamera is a lot less threatening
than to be in person.
So I know a lot of people tojust post on Facebook mom groups
like mom groups.
Yeah, that was a big one,anybody want to go meet up at
the park, you know, then you canmeet just one mom Totally up at
(26:31):
the park.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
You know, then you can meet just one mom Totally
Well, and I will say that, likewhen you go as to one of these
things like lactation support,you already have something to
talk about because of thecontext of your meetup.
So I think that makes it a loteasier, and I will say that a
lot of these mom groups oftenhave hosts that are very
(26:53):
outgoing and gregarious, and Imean we all, even people that
have been extroverted theirwhole life.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
When you show up to a group of moms, especially if
they know each other, it'salready like, oh, I don't know
what to do.
You know like, who do I talk to?
So it is good that a lot ofthem have hosts, because you
know they can kind of point youout and, like, show you around.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Break the ice yeah.
Introduce you to somebody elsethat you maybe don't know.
Well, and I will say too that Ifeel like when I became a mom,
I had never craved the companyof women so much.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
It's wild how that happens, huh.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
Yeah, and like connecting to your feminine
energy and just wanting to bearound other ladies and girlies,
because it really is a uniqueexperience.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
Yeah, I mean, once you have a baby, just you kind
of bond immediately witheverybody else who has went
through a similar process, right, and then been up 24 hours and
feel like a zombie, like there'snothing really else in life
that can kind of mess youanonymously with other people.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
You know what's the craziest thing you've done when
you're, when you've been sotired, like especially the
newborn phase, good grief.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
I can name a couple of the craziest thing, I mean,
I've put things in therefrigerator that you know that
shouldn't be in the refrigerator, or?
Um, I've definitely.
I do this all the time walk,walk into rooms and think why am
I even in here?
Maybe a sign I'm getting oldertoo.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
I put wheat thins in the fridge.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
I continuously wash my husband's keys.
I've washed his wallet.
You know you're just going towalk.
You're a zombie.
You're not really sure whatyou're doing.
Yeah, one time I do this was.
This is a very.
I don't know if I said this,but when I had my first, I
(28:56):
remember being so tired I walkedinto a wall and I hit her head
a little bit and I felt like theworst mom after that, Like I
thought that she didn't hit veryhard.
I was so exhausted that I wascrying.
Speaker 1 (29:13):
I've almost taken Margo out a couple times.
I'm surprised she didn't passout one time.
You got that baby on your hipand her head's lollygagging as
it is, and you're whippingaround trying to remember why
the hell you walked in there.
It's tough, but she's fine.
She's fine, you are not alone.
I have whacked many.
Uh oh lord, it makes themstronger.
(29:37):
You know, poor babies I'llnever forget.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
Um, I went to see my ob six weeks after number two
and when I went to see her shewas like how's everything going?
You know I got two babies and Isaid you know, I'm good for the
(30:01):
most part until they're bothcrying at the same time and like
the baby's screaming and thelittle one's screaming, like it
just it's overwhelming becauseyou're tired and hormonal and
whatever, and I'll never forgetand I actually told her last
time I saw her this and it wasDr Garner.
She said, well, just remember,if they're crying, they're alive
.
And I was like thank you, drGarner, that is a beautiful way
(30:26):
to put it.
Yeah, that is such a nicereminder.
I always think about that, likejust think they're all crying
but they're all alive.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
So what a good reframe when both of mine cry,
especially in the car, oh god,yeah.
And then you just startsweating immediately and your
milk lets down.
And then you get to whereveryou're going and you're
flustered and people are lookingat you like it's hard when
they're in the car becausethere's nothing you can do.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
You know, especially when they're little like, you
roll the windows down, you turnthe music up.
That didn't work.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
You try something else that didn't work, and they
just scream I'm like I have sucha hard time not trying to like
settle them, so I'm like sittingthere like a octopus reaching
my arm to the back and going oh,just hold on five more minutes
yep, tried to shake the car seata little bit, try to rock it.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Yeah, you try it all, but there sometimes there's
just not much anything you cando.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
I like it when the baby cries and then Miles is
like too loud, too loud.
And then he starts crying andI'm like, oh God, that's really
sweet.
Actually, Dominoes Too loud.
All right, Amanda, what is yourfavorite advice to an
overwhelmed mama?
Speaker 2 (31:49):
Just go outside.
I love that.
Go outside or go get in somewater, ooh.
So bathtub, good Shower, it canmake everything reset.
Why is that?
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (32:05):
It's so true, it's very powerful.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
In my pregnancies, I always spent a lot of time in
the water yeah, a mom told methat early on and so right, like
if you're overwhelmed, itusually means your kids are
overwhelmed too, because they'reusually crying um.
But going outside, likechanging the scenery, but
definitely outside, for whateverreason, even even if it's
(32:29):
raining, like get go, get wet,you know, and then the shower
for sure Shower or bathtub likedoes something magical.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
It turns out there's a really scientific reason why
water has a deeply calmingeffect on us.
It activates theparasympathetic nervous system.
So when you immerse yourself inwater, especially warm water,
it lowers your heart rate,reduces your cortisol, which is
your stress hormone, andpromotes relaxation.
It's also got a hydrostaticpressure.
(33:03):
What?
Here we go.
I didn't know what this meant.
Water gently compresses the body, which can mimic the feeling of
a weighted blanket, whichreduces the anxiety and promotes
a sense of safety.
Also, buoyancy reduces physicaltension.
So while the water supportsyour body, it's relieving muscle
(33:24):
tension and joint strain, whichcan ease both mental and
physical stress.
And as if that wasn't coolenough, it turns out floating or
being submerged in water cantrigger a subconscious sense of
safety, because it's like beingin the womb, which is inherently
soothing.
What Amazing.
(33:45):
And it makes perfect sense.
Studies show that being nearwater induces a meditative state
, and watching or listening towater like waves or a running
stream has been proven to slowbrainwave activity and increase
serotonin and dopamine levels.
So turns out, it's not justmagic, it's science.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
But if you're super, super overwhelmed, you find
someone to watch them kids andyou go have some time by
yourself.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
I had someone tell me the other day cause I share
that a lot too I'm like lean onyour support system and I love
it when people say like I don'thave anyone, and I'm like I bet
I could challenge that, like Ibet we could go through the
contacts list on your phone.
Or we had phone, or you have aneighbor, or you have somebody
(34:32):
on your Facebook friendssomewhere that you haven't
thought of for a while.
You have someone in your lifethat you can lean on and just
say like hey, and how normal itis.
It is really normal when youhave young children to be on the
verge of a mentee bee.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Yeah, you need to tap out sometime.
You got to take care ofyourself.
Speaker 1 (34:54):
Even if it's like to go to the gas station.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
Yeah, yeah, actually my favorite thing to do.
My husband laughs so he callsit time for me to touch things.
But I love a retail therapy.
That's just like how I escape.
And one thing that I've beenvery adamant with is my kids go
to bed fairly early.
You've always been good aboutthat.
(35:17):
That's a really good Thank you.
I've tried very hard.
The third's given me a run formy money, but she is asleep
right now so, but Ross doesn'tclose until like 11 o'clock.
So if I can scoot out enough tojust go walk around Ross or
walk around Walmart or Target orSam's Club or Costco, just
(35:40):
somewhere that I can just gomindlessly look at things, right
, I'm not scrolling, I'm notwatching tv like, get out of the
house, remove yourself, becauseif a baby cries, not on you,
right, your husband's there.
Um, but to have that time justfor yourself, maybe buy yourself
something you know.
(36:01):
Buy some cookies or I don'tknow whatever makes you happy,
buy a new outfit that makes you.
But you definitely have to havetime for yourself.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
Well, it's pretty obvious.
We had a great time recordingthis and hope that it serves
some of you out there Probablylots of you out there because
this was a really good episode.
If you want to learn more aboutAmanda, hop on over to
WilmingtonMomcom.
You can get a copy of her bookHello Wilmington.
You can buy one of herWilmington themed baby swaddles,
(36:36):
which is adorable, and you canfind tons of free resources
about the area Wilmington Mom onInstagram and on Facebook.
And if you don't follow me, I'mnotyourtherapistkayla Kayla
Riley, come check me out as well.
We had a great time.
I hope this served you and moms.
Take a break, find connection,find other mamas Community is so
(37:04):
powerful and remember that youare the captain of the ship.
The captain has to be groundedand if you're not grounded, go
jump in some water because it'smagical, Just like Amanda says.
All right, I'll catch you nexttime on another episode of Not
your Therapist.
Have a good one.
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