June 4, 2025 • 17 mins
Did your family birth order shape your personality? Spoiler: yep. In this episode, we explore how birth order influences your identity, temperament, and adult relationships. Whether you're the eldest child, middle child, youngest, or only child, this episode helps you understand how your role in the family still shows up in your life today.
You’ll learn the psychology behind birth order, what patterns to look for, and how to break free from the expectations you never asked for.
👉 Ask me a question or suggest a topic hello@kaylareilly.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
So today I woke up, my children were both on my
actual body.
I have a three-year-old and aone-year-old.
Robert was out of town.
He was working.
I think he's in Connecticutright now, but anyways he's out
of town, he's working.
So the kids are kind of likethey're disrupted.
They understand someone'smissing, like what's going on?
(00:21):
Miles was asking where's daddy?
Where's daddy?
Where's daddy?
Where's daddy's dinner?
Where's daddy going to sleep?
Anyways, long story short, itdisrupts their pattern.
So they were both in the bedwith me, which they are usually
not.
We usually try to get them tosleep in their own dang beds.
Margo's still in a crib, soit's a little bit easier.
But anyways, I got out of thecar today.
(00:42):
They had had a hard night.
Anyways, I got out of the cartoday.
They had had a hard night.
Margo was fine, but Milesabsolutely refused to get out of
the car.
So this wouldn't have been me ayear ago.
But today I woke up tired asall heck.
They woke me up at like 5.30 inthe morning.
Miles was refusing to get outof the car.
I took him by the arm and Idragged him.
(01:04):
I didn't do it with anger, Idid it calmly.
I said we can either walk in orI can carry you into school.
But I was carrying aone-year-old on my hip so I
grabbed him by the arm I saythat with anger, but I didn't do
it with anger in the moment andI just dragged him.
Just dragged him and he waslike crying and screaming and I
(01:24):
just calmly dragged him.
I said do you want to walk?
He's like no.
I was like okay, then I'm goingto keep pulling you.
And then on my way home, I waskind of giggling because Margo
doesn't throw those fits when Ibring her into daycare.
I just pick her up, I carry herin, I kiss her, I say goodbye
and I leave.
And I wonder if it's because ofbirth order.
(01:45):
I wonder if it's because eversince forever, when she goes to
daycare, I just drop her off.
I'm a little relieved, to behonest, to be able to drop them
off and come home and have a cupof coffee and be able to drink
it while it's still hot.
If you're a parent, youunderstand this, because it's
(02:05):
hard, it's hard, it's reallyhard, it's rewarding, it's the
best thing I've ever done.
But raising children is so hardand now that I'm raising
children, I'm starting tounderstand why birth order
impacts us psychologically somuch deeper.
I've always talked about itwith my clients in therapy, like
(02:27):
about you know what's yourbirth order?
Oh, that makes sense, right.
But now, as I'm raisingchildren, I get it on such a
deeper, freaking level.
And now I wanted to do a littleseries.
So this is the first of a fourpart series on birth order.
Why does it matter, how itimpacts you, how it shows up in
adulthood?
(02:47):
I just think it's interestingand I think we're going to have
some fun.
I'll throw in some stories inhere.
So today we're just going to doan overview of why birth order
matters, a little bit of thepsychology background about it,
and then the next three episodesare going to be first child.
Second, slash middle child.
Third, slash baby.
(03:08):
Yeah, let's dive into it.
This is the birth order series.
Okay, so why does birth ordereven matter?
It's not just a BuzzFeed quizLike.
(03:29):
Psychologists have actually beentalking about this for over a
hundred years.
Your first three years, yourfirst five years, your first 10
years of life are imperative.
They are really imperative tohow you develop psychologically.
Alfred Adler, this old whiteguy psychologist I'd imagine
(03:52):
there are women that probablydevelop these ideas too, but of
course the history books ignorethem.
Alfred Adler was one of thefirst to suggest that your place
in the family lineup shapes howyou see yourself and how you
treat and relate to others.
So then came this other guy I'massuming white guy Frank
Salloway.
(04:12):
Again, sorry history, women andbrown people just are ignored.
But anyways, frank Sallowaybasically said kids are not just
born into families, they'reborn into these roles.
And because your parents aredifferent people, with each
child, every kid grows up aslightly different emotional
(04:33):
environment.
And I love that, because if youknow anybody who's a twin, you
can see that two people wereborn at the same exact time, can
shape into two completelydifferent personalities.
You look at siblings, man.
When I look at you know, noteven just to myself but when I
(04:54):
look at my husband and hissiblings, they are all so, so
different.
And when I look at me and mysiblings, they're all so, so
different.
So let me say that again theparents, your parents, were not
the same people when they hadyour sibling as when they had
you.
Right, we all develop as humanbeings and the exposure to being
(05:19):
a parent changes you.
So you know, the person I waswhen I had Margo, miles was two,
that's two years of being aparent for the first time ever.
So when I had Margo, I was acompletely different parent to
her than I was and a differentperson.
Your identity completely shifts.
(05:39):
So think about that as itapplies to your life.
Your parents were completelydifferent people when they had
you as to when they had yoursibling.
So if you got the stressed outrule following, we read every
baby book, here's your baby bookand we clipped your hair and we
saved your teeth version ofyour parents, you might also
(06:03):
have a sibling that got the justdon't die when I shower kind of
energy right Now.
Let's talk about this a littlebit more.
So firstborns are oftenparented like fragile little
glass figurines.
Parents have this anxiety.
We're reading all the books,we're listening to the advice.
(06:24):
There's these high expectations.
I say we because I reallyidentify with this right now
raising very, very youngchildren.
But I'm trying to think aboutmy parents.
Right, you're also wickedexcited.
You're wicked excited.
You're wicked energized.
You have all these highexpectations about who you're
going to be as a parent.
They get praised for beingmature and responsible.
(06:48):
Right, these firstborn kids gettons of praise and it often
becomes their entire personality.
They're raised being rewardedwith this attention and this
validation from parents,grandparents, because they're
the first.
Then the second or middle kidcomes along.
(07:09):
I'm just going to say secondfor the purpose of this.
Maybe you're a middle child,maybe you're the last child, I
don't know, but you're a middlechild.
Maybe you're the last child, Idon't know, but let's, you're
the second child.
Your parents are going to be alittle more chill, maybe
distracted because they'rechasing around a toddler or, you
know, they're your oldersiblings in middle school.
Your parents are freaking tired, right, you're left to figure
(07:32):
it out a little bit more on yourown.
You get less pressure, but youalso get less attention and
praise and validation becauseyour parents are busy thinking,
attending to the older child'sneeds as well as their needs as
well as your needs.
So you just get that energy andthat attention is just a little
bit more divided and so youbecome more adaptable or
(07:58):
invisible.
But we'll talk about that morewhen we get to the episode about
middle children.
Okay, youngest kids listen.
No one's reading a damn parentbook anymore.
They don't even own themanymore.
They've given them away.
Your parents are tired as hell.
Your parents are so tired, youget away with murder because
(08:22):
your parents, basically, areexhausted, not just
energetically but emotionally,and you also might be
underestimated or not taken veryseriously because your parents
are experienced, they've beenthrough the rigmarole.
So when they see you do stuffit's like, yeah, you know, a
(08:44):
little bit invalidated if you'llsay, or treated like a baby.
Right, again, we'll get to thatwhen we get into the episode on
being the youngest child or thebaby.
I like the term the baby, eventhough I'm sure the youngest
child doesn't like that term.
Okay, and if you're an onlychild, you are this weird
(09:06):
cocktail of firstbornresponsibility and youngest
child attention.
You had all the spotlight andall the pressure and no siblings
to experiment socially with.
So you're this interestinglittle cocktail.
Maybe I'll add an episode tothe series of being an only
child.
(09:26):
I think that would be cool.
Okay, let's talk about the reallife impact of birth order roles
.
So these roles don't just staywith you as a child.
They shape who you are, theyshape your personality, they
shape how you relate to yourworld, to others, right, they're
going to follow you into anadulthood, and mainly in your
(09:49):
relationships.
So the eldest child mightbecome an over-functioner in
relationships.
They might be the perfectionist, the type A kind of people, or
the one who thinks that rest islike lazy right.
Because they were shapeddifferently In young life, as
(10:09):
somebody who was rewarded withpraise and attention, they might
always seek that.
Now.
The middle child might be achronic people pleaser, always
smoothing things over even whenit's hurting them right.
They might struggle withfeeling invisible, feeling like
they don't matter.
So really, you know, trying toachieve, to get that recognition
(10:33):
.
Now the youngest might be thecharming, fun one, but low-key,
like avoidant of adultresponsibilities or allergic to
any kind of structure.
And of course, only childrenmight struggle with control,
independence or just feelinglike they always have to figure
things out alone or be alone orhave space.
(10:55):
So these patterns show up inyour marriage, in your
friendships, the way you parentyour children and especially
when you're back with yourfamily of origin.
I don't know if you know anybodylike this, but when I am around
my family of origin I so fallinto the first child nonsense.
(11:15):
Couple that with being raisedin a home of alcoholism and
mental health disorders Likethat really really made me a
type A control freak.
But anyways, I really have tobe mindful of not falling back
into my family role when I'mwith my family of origin.
We go to Robert's familyreunion every year.
(11:38):
It's like a week they spend onthe Outer Banks and everybody
stays in the same house and,holy bejesus, do they all fall
into their childhood roles likethat?
I'm sure it's not who they areat home, because I know that my
husband doesn't act the same wayat home as he does when he's on
this family vacation, and Idread it because my husband is
(12:02):
the youngest of four so he fallsvery much into this baby like
passive, I'll do whatevereveryone else wants to do, kind
of like role.
And I am the oldest, so I'mmore of like this is what I want
to do and you know, let meorganize it, let me tell you
guys what we should do and and.
So I really have to fight thattendency anyways.
(12:24):
Okay, so when you go home forthe holidays and the vacation
and it suddenly feels likeyou're 12 again and you're
sulking and your mom's fussingover your younger sibling, and
it's like, oh God, script,replay, script replay, break out
of the scripts.
So I'm going to invite you todo a tiny bit of an inventory,
(12:47):
if you will, a quick inventoryof yourself.
Are you the one that's alwaysplanning the vacations, making
sure everyone has matchingoutfits for the photo, booking
the damn Airbnb for the vacation?
Like that is first born energy.
If you feel like you fade intothe background and you try to
keep the peace, even when you'reseething inside Middle child,
(13:13):
middle child, I see you.
I see you If people say you'reso fun, you're so funny, but you
secretly struggle to be takenseriously, you're probably the
youngest.
Or if you've always carried allthe weight, everyone around you
assumes you're fine becauseyou've always been fine.
You might be an only child.
(13:35):
Birth order doesn't define you.
Of course there's wiggle room,there's individualities to all
of this, but it really doesinfluence the habits that you
built to survive, the habits youbuilt to get attention or the
behaviors you developed todefend.
So defense mechanisms arestrongly influenced by your
(13:56):
birth order.
So sometimes these habits keeprunning the show, even when
you're not a kid anymore, andthey become dysfunctional in
your adult relationships.
And that's a lot of whathealing is.
When you go see a therapist,when you see a life coach, when
you see a mental health coach,whatever, whoever you see,
they're going to help, act as amirror, helping you recognize
(14:20):
hey, these traits, these skillsthat you develop, these defenses
, these patterns of being mighthave served you when you were
young.
Patterns of being might haveserved you when you were young.
However, they're not servingyou right now.
They're not serving you in yourmarriage.
They're not serving you as aparent.
Let's figure out how to unwirethem and help you develop some
(14:43):
new skills, some new defensesthat are functional, so that you
can feel more satisfied, moreconnected, more happy in your
life.
You can find that joy.
So here are my final thoughts.
This is why this matters.
Understanding your birth orderand understanding it deeply
really gives you context.
(15:03):
It not only is interesting Idon't know if you find it
interesting, but I find itincredibly interesting but it
also helps you realize like, oh,I wasn't just born this way, I
didn't just become that.
I became this way because I wasshaped, I was parented and
influenced by my siblings andthe world around me.
(15:25):
Once you see it, you have waymore control to shift it.
So healing happens withawareness, acceptance, action.
Awareness is a lot of what youdo when you listen to podcasts
and you read books and youbecome aware.
But that's not enough y'all.
We have to find acceptance andthat's really hard, especially
(15:49):
with some of these childhoodtraumas like being the invisible
child, being ignored, or beingthe eldest and being parentified
.
It's really hard to acceptthese things.
But if you never findacceptance, radical acceptance,
you're never going to be able tomove into action appropriately.
You probably can, but it'snever going to work.
(16:12):
These are those people who go totherapy and they say, well,
that skill doesn't really workfor me.
Or I've tried mindfulness, itjust doesn't.
You know it doesn't work for me.
Yeah, you know what you need torewind and go back to the
awareness and the acceptancepiece.
Now, acceptance does not meanbeing like, yay, cool, I
(16:34):
continue to accept to be treatedlike this for my family, I'm
going to allow it.
No, no, no, no.
Acceptance is more of anemotional journey of coming to a
place of being at peace withwhat's happened to you.
Maybe I should do an episode onacceptance, I don't know.
Let me know.
Hop on over to my social mediaand send me a message or shoot
(16:57):
me an email.
Hello at kaylorileycom and letme know if you want an episode
on acceptance.
Anyways, all right, so next weekwe're going to hop into the
eldest child experience.
We're going to do a deep diveon being the eldest child, while
you're so good at leading butso bad at letting go, and
softness and vulnerability Untilthen notice how you show up in
groups and your marriage at workand ask yourself is this me or
(17:22):
am I taking an old role?
All right, it was so good beinghere with you today.
Sorry, I skipped a couple ofweeks, but I'm back, baby, and
I'm gonna try to batch a coupleof these so that I don't miss a
week.
I hope you take care ofyourself and you have a really
wonderful week.
I'll catch you next Monday.
Bye.
So today I woke up, my children were both on my
actual body.
I have a three-year-old and aone-year-old.
Robert was out of town.
He was working.
I think he's in Connecticutright now, but anyways he's out
of town, he's working.
So the kids are kind of likethey're disrupted.
They understand someone'smissing, like what's going on?
(00:21):
Miles was asking where's daddy?
Where's daddy?
Where's daddy?
Where's daddy's dinner?
Where's daddy going to sleep?
Anyways, long story short, itdisrupts their pattern.
So they were both in the bedwith me, which they are usually
not.
We usually try to get them tosleep in their own dang beds.
Margo's still in a crib, soit's a little bit easier.
But anyways, I got out of thecar today.
(00:42):
They had had a hard night.
Anyways, I got out of the cartoday.
They had had a hard night.
Margo was fine, but Milesabsolutely refused to get out of
the car.
So this wouldn't have been me ayear ago.
But today I woke up tired asall heck.
They woke me up at like 5.30 inthe morning.
Miles was refusing to get outof the car.
I took him by the arm and Idragged him.
(01:04):
I didn't do it with anger, Idid it calmly.
I said we can either walk in orI can carry you into school.
But I was carrying aone-year-old on my hip so I
grabbed him by the arm I saythat with anger, but I didn't do
it with anger in the moment andI just dragged him.
Just dragged him and he waslike crying and screaming and I
(01:24):
just calmly dragged him.
I said do you want to walk?
He's like no.
I was like okay, then I'm goingto keep pulling you.
And then on my way home, I waskind of giggling because Margo
doesn't throw those fits when Ibring her into daycare.
I just pick her up, I carry herin, I kiss her, I say goodbye
and I leave.
And I wonder if it's because ofbirth order.
(01:45):
I wonder if it's because eversince forever, when she goes to
daycare, I just drop her off.
I'm a little relieved, to behonest, to be able to drop them
off and come home and have a cupof coffee and be able to drink
it while it's still hot.
If you're a parent, youunderstand this, because it's
(02:05):
hard, it's hard, it's reallyhard, it's rewarding, it's the
best thing I've ever done.
But raising children is so hardand now that I'm raising
children, I'm starting tounderstand why birth order
impacts us psychologically somuch deeper.
I've always talked about itwith my clients in therapy, like
(02:27):
about you know what's yourbirth order?
Oh, that makes sense, right.
But now, as I'm raisingchildren, I get it on such a
deeper, freaking level.
And now I wanted to do a littleseries.
So this is the first of a fourpart series on birth order.
Why does it matter, how itimpacts you, how it shows up in
adulthood?
(02:47):
I just think it's interestingand I think we're going to have
some fun.
I'll throw in some stories inhere.
So today we're just going to doan overview of why birth order
matters, a little bit of thepsychology background about it,
and then the next three episodesare going to be first child.
Second, slash middle child.
Third, slash baby.
(03:08):
Yeah, let's dive into it.
This is the birth order series.
Okay, so why does birth ordereven matter?
It's not just a BuzzFeed quizLike.
(03:29):
Psychologists have actually beentalking about this for over a
hundred years.
Your first three years, yourfirst five years, your first 10
years of life are imperative.
They are really imperative tohow you develop psychologically.
Alfred Adler, this old whiteguy psychologist I'd imagine
(03:52):
there are women that probablydevelop these ideas too, but of
course the history books ignorethem.
Alfred Adler was one of thefirst to suggest that your place
in the family lineup shapes howyou see yourself and how you
treat and relate to others.
So then came this other guy I'massuming white guy Frank
Salloway.
(04:12):
Again, sorry history, women andbrown people just are ignored.
But anyways, frank Sallowaybasically said kids are not just
born into families, they'reborn into these roles.
And because your parents aredifferent people, with each
child, every kid grows up aslightly different emotional
(04:33):
environment.
And I love that, because if youknow anybody who's a twin, you
can see that two people wereborn at the same exact time, can
shape into two completelydifferent personalities.
You look at siblings, man.
When I look at you know, noteven just to myself but when I
(04:54):
look at my husband and hissiblings, they are all so, so
different.
And when I look at me and mysiblings, they're all so, so
different.
So let me say that again theparents, your parents, were not
the same people when they hadyour sibling as when they had
you.
Right, we all develop as humanbeings and the exposure to being
(05:19):
a parent changes you.
So you know, the person I waswhen I had Margo, miles was two,
that's two years of being aparent for the first time ever.
So when I had Margo, I was acompletely different parent to
her than I was and a differentperson.
Your identity completely shifts.
(05:39):
So think about that as itapplies to your life.
Your parents were completelydifferent people when they had
you as to when they had yoursibling.
So if you got the stressed outrule following, we read every
baby book, here's your baby bookand we clipped your hair and we
saved your teeth version ofyour parents, you might also
(06:03):
have a sibling that got the justdon't die when I shower kind of
energy right Now.
Let's talk about this a littlebit more.
So firstborns are oftenparented like fragile little
glass figurines.
Parents have this anxiety.
We're reading all the books,we're listening to the advice.
(06:24):
There's these high expectations.
I say we because I reallyidentify with this right now
raising very, very youngchildren.
But I'm trying to think aboutmy parents.
Right, you're also wickedexcited.
You're wicked excited.
You're wicked energized.
You have all these highexpectations about who you're
going to be as a parent.
They get praised for beingmature and responsible.
(06:48):
Right, these firstborn kids gettons of praise and it often
becomes their entire personality.
They're raised being rewardedwith this attention and this
validation from parents,grandparents, because they're
the first.
Then the second or middle kidcomes along.
(07:09):
I'm just going to say secondfor the purpose of this.
Maybe you're a middle child,maybe you're the last child, I
don't know, but you're a middlechild.
Maybe you're the last child, Idon't know, but let's, you're
the second child.
Your parents are going to be alittle more chill, maybe
distracted because they'rechasing around a toddler or, you
know, they're your oldersiblings in middle school.
Your parents are freaking tired, right, you're left to figure
(07:32):
it out a little bit more on yourown.
You get less pressure, but youalso get less attention and
praise and validation becauseyour parents are busy thinking,
attending to the older child'sneeds as well as their needs as
well as your needs.
So you just get that energy andthat attention is just a little
bit more divided and so youbecome more adaptable or
(07:58):
invisible.
But we'll talk about that morewhen we get to the episode about
middle children.
Okay, youngest kids listen.
No one's reading a damn parentbook anymore.
They don't even own themanymore.
They've given them away.
Your parents are tired as hell.
Your parents are so tired, youget away with murder because
(08:22):
your parents, basically, areexhausted, not just
energetically but emotionally,and you also might be
underestimated or not taken veryseriously because your parents
are experienced, they've beenthrough the rigmarole.
So when they see you do stuffit's like, yeah, you know, a
(08:44):
little bit invalidated if you'llsay, or treated like a baby.
Right, again, we'll get to thatwhen we get into the episode on
being the youngest child or thebaby.
I like the term the baby, eventhough I'm sure the youngest
child doesn't like that term.
Okay, and if you're an onlychild, you are this weird
(09:06):
cocktail of firstbornresponsibility and youngest
child attention.
You had all the spotlight andall the pressure and no siblings
to experiment socially with.
So you're this interestinglittle cocktail.
Maybe I'll add an episode tothe series of being an only
child.
(09:26):
I think that would be cool.
Okay, let's talk about the reallife impact of birth order roles
.
So these roles don't just staywith you as a child.
They shape who you are, theyshape your personality, they
shape how you relate to yourworld, to others, right, they're
going to follow you into anadulthood, and mainly in your
(09:49):
relationships.
So the eldest child mightbecome an over-functioner in
relationships.
They might be the perfectionist, the type A kind of people, or
the one who thinks that rest islike lazy right.
Because they were shapeddifferently In young life, as
(10:09):
somebody who was rewarded withpraise and attention, they might
always seek that.
Now.
The middle child might be achronic people pleaser, always
smoothing things over even whenit's hurting them right.
They might struggle withfeeling invisible, feeling like
they don't matter.
So really, you know, trying toachieve, to get that recognition
(10:33):
.
Now the youngest might be thecharming, fun one, but low-key,
like avoidant of adultresponsibilities or allergic to
any kind of structure.
And of course, only childrenmight struggle with control,
independence or just feelinglike they always have to figure
things out alone or be alone orhave space.
(10:55):
So these patterns show up inyour marriage, in your
friendships, the way you parentyour children and especially
when you're back with yourfamily of origin.
I don't know if you know anybodylike this, but when I am around
my family of origin I so fallinto the first child nonsense.
(11:15):
Couple that with being raisedin a home of alcoholism and
mental health disorders Likethat really really made me a
type A control freak.
But anyways, I really have tobe mindful of not falling back
into my family role when I'mwith my family of origin.
We go to Robert's familyreunion every year.
(11:38):
It's like a week they spend onthe Outer Banks and everybody
stays in the same house and,holy bejesus, do they all fall
into their childhood roles likethat?
I'm sure it's not who they areat home, because I know that my
husband doesn't act the same wayat home as he does when he's on
this family vacation, and Idread it because my husband is
(12:02):
the youngest of four so he fallsvery much into this baby like
passive, I'll do whatevereveryone else wants to do, kind
of like role.
And I am the oldest, so I'mmore of like this is what I want
to do and you know, let meorganize it, let me tell you
guys what we should do and and.
So I really have to fight thattendency anyways.
(12:24):
Okay, so when you go home forthe holidays and the vacation
and it suddenly feels likeyou're 12 again and you're
sulking and your mom's fussingover your younger sibling, and
it's like, oh God, script,replay, script replay, break out
of the scripts.
So I'm going to invite you todo a tiny bit of an inventory,
(12:47):
if you will, a quick inventoryof yourself.
Are you the one that's alwaysplanning the vacations, making
sure everyone has matchingoutfits for the photo, booking
the damn Airbnb for the vacation?
Like that is first born energy.
If you feel like you fade intothe background and you try to
keep the peace, even when you'reseething inside Middle child,
(13:13):
middle child, I see you.
I see you If people say you'reso fun, you're so funny, but you
secretly struggle to be takenseriously, you're probably the
youngest.
Or if you've always carried allthe weight, everyone around you
assumes you're fine becauseyou've always been fine.
You might be an only child.
(13:35):
Birth order doesn't define you.
Of course there's wiggle room,there's individualities to all
of this, but it really doesinfluence the habits that you
built to survive, the habits youbuilt to get attention or the
behaviors you developed todefend.
So defense mechanisms arestrongly influenced by your
(13:56):
birth order.
So sometimes these habits keeprunning the show, even when
you're not a kid anymore, andthey become dysfunctional in
your adult relationships.
And that's a lot of whathealing is.
When you go see a therapist,when you see a life coach, when
you see a mental health coach,whatever, whoever you see,
they're going to help, act as amirror, helping you recognize
(14:20):
hey, these traits, these skillsthat you develop, these defenses
, these patterns of being mighthave served you when you were
young.
Patterns of being might haveserved you when you were young.
However, they're not servingyou right now.
They're not serving you in yourmarriage.
They're not serving you as aparent.
Let's figure out how to unwirethem and help you develop some
(14:43):
new skills, some new defensesthat are functional, so that you
can feel more satisfied, moreconnected, more happy in your
life.
You can find that joy.
So here are my final thoughts.
This is why this matters.
Understanding your birth orderand understanding it deeply
really gives you context.
(15:03):
It not only is interesting Idon't know if you find it
interesting, but I find itincredibly interesting but it
also helps you realize like, oh,I wasn't just born this way, I
didn't just become that.
I became this way because I wasshaped, I was parented and
influenced by my siblings andthe world around me.
(15:25):
Once you see it, you have waymore control to shift it.
So healing happens withawareness, acceptance, action.
Awareness is a lot of what youdo when you listen to podcasts
and you read books and youbecome aware.
But that's not enough y'all.
We have to find acceptance andthat's really hard, especially
(15:49):
with some of these childhoodtraumas like being the invisible
child, being ignored, or beingthe eldest and being parentified
.
It's really hard to acceptthese things.
But if you never findacceptance, radical acceptance,
you're never going to be able tomove into action appropriately.
You probably can, but it'snever going to work.
(16:12):
These are those people who go totherapy and they say, well,
that skill doesn't really workfor me.
Or I've tried mindfulness, itjust doesn't.
You know it doesn't work for me.
Yeah, you know what you need torewind and go back to the
awareness and the acceptancepiece.
Now, acceptance does not meanbeing like, yay, cool, I
(16:34):
continue to accept to be treatedlike this for my family, I'm
going to allow it.
No, no, no, no.
Acceptance is more of anemotional journey of coming to a
place of being at peace withwhat's happened to you.
Maybe I should do an episode onacceptance, I don't know.
Let me know.
Hop on over to my social mediaand send me a message or shoot
(16:57):
me an email.
Hello at kaylorileycom and letme know if you want an episode
on acceptance.
Anyways, all right, so next weekwe're going to hop into the
eldest child experience.
We're going to do a deep diveon being the eldest child, while
you're so good at leading butso bad at letting go, and
softness and vulnerability Untilthen notice how you show up in
groups and your marriage at workand ask yourself is this me or
(17:22):
am I taking an old role?
All right, it was so good beinghere with you today.
Sorry, I skipped a couple ofweeks, but I'm back, baby, and
I'm gonna try to batch a coupleof these so that I don't miss a
week.
I hope you take care ofyourself and you have a really
wonderful week.
I'll catch you next Monday.
Bye.
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