June 10, 2025 • 22 mins
Are you the firstborn and secretly exhausted? You’re not alone. In this episode, we dive deep into the eldest child experience—how being the “responsible one” often leads to perfectionism, people-pleasing, burnout, and emotional overfunctioning in adulthood.
If you were basically a third parent growing up, this one’s for you. We’ll talk about parentification, high-achiever syndrome, and how to start setting boundaries with the roles you’ve outgrown.
Keywords: eldest child traits, birth order psychology, parentified child, high-achiever burnout, therapy podcast, perfectionism, family dynamics, childhood roles in adulthood
👉 Ask me a question or suggest a topic hello@kaylareilly.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome, welcome, happy Monday.
I am so glad you are here.
If you are new here, welcome tothe Not your Therapist podcast,
where we talk about all thingsmental health.
I'm Kayla, I am a therapist, Icreated a group practice here in
Wilmington, north Carolina, andI love to take the white gloves
off and not be restricted byinsurance or professionalism and
(00:26):
I like to just be myself onhere and tell it how it is.
So today we're going to talkabout being the eldest child.
I think this is so funny.
When I was writing this, I waslike you were parentified before
you had pubes.
And it is true.
It is so, so true.
I love the title the CEO intraining or resentful parent
(00:48):
number two, because that's a lotof times where we go Eldest
child, eldest childs, what?
Eldest children either becomeleaders or they become resentful
and stewy and scary.
Because you can either it'salmost like gasoline, right, if
(01:12):
you have a bunch of gasoline,you can either pour it on
yourself and light yourself onfrigging fire, or you could put
it in your gas tank and actuallygo somewhere.
But in order to pour it in yourgas tank and go somewhere, you
have to have that awareness, theacceptance and the action.
So today it's all going to beabout the eldest child, how
(01:32):
you've been impacted, what theresearch says, and I'm even
going to give you some tipsabout building that awareness,
trying to find that acceptanceand maybe even leaning into a
little bit of action to changethe defense mechanisms that you
probably developed to survive asthe eldest child in your family
.
Let's get into it, okay.
(01:56):
So let's be honest Eldestchildren don't really get a
childhood as much as they get a10-year unpaid internship in
emotional labor, especially ifeither of your parents is
emotionally immature, if you'vegot alcoholism, if you've got
mental health disorders, ifyou've got a parent that peaced
(02:20):
out, if you had the additionalburden of having parents that
were unbaked cookies, then thisis probably even more pronounced
.
If you were raised in more of awholesome family, these traits
will be there.
(02:40):
They just won't be maybe asglaringly obvious, but they will
definitely be there.
Okay, so let's talk about how.
You already know this, but youwere probably the one who got
blamed a lot and expected tolead, and you had a lot of
expectations put on you.
There were all the eyeballs onyou, right, you were the example
(03:02):
, you were the first.
You paved the way for everybodyelse.
You were probably incrediblyresponsible because your parents
expected you to be.
You were praised when you wereresponsible.
You were probably ignored orpunished when you were
irresponsible.
So, of course, if you thinkabout classical conditioning so
when I talk about classicalconditioning everyone thinks
(03:24):
about Pavlov.
Right, pavlov was apsychologist and he was the one
who figured out conditioning.
Aka, if a dog heard a bell andwas given food, heard a bell and
was given food, heard a belland was giving food, eventually,
when you ring the bell, the dogexpects to be fed.
So that is conditioning.
(03:46):
And so when there is areinforcement, a behavior gets
reinforced and develops and isstronger.
When a behavior is ignored orpunished or there's some kind of
a consequence, that behaviorstarts to dwindle.
So for eldest children, we thinkabout it.
(04:08):
I have an oldest child and whenhe puts his dish away, when he
throws something in the trash,when he helps mommy change the
baby's diaper, when he puts hisown shoes on, I praise the crap
out of him.
I'm like wow, it's amazing,good job, you're so rad.
And I can imagine that as hedevelops and gets older, I'm
(04:29):
going to continue to praiseresponsible shit, responsible
behaviors and I'm thinking aboutmyself.
I am the eldest child and I alsoknow a lot of eldest children
and I'm thinking about how, whenI was raised, my parents
praised the crap out of me forgood grades and then my brother
(04:50):
came along and he was gettinglike C minuses.
My parents were like, yay, andthen I'd get a, b, and they were
like we expected better of you.
That is the perfect littlestory, or example of the
difference in these expectationsthat are put on.
The first, I think I had, likeyou know, a bedtime of nine and
(05:13):
then, by the time I was ateenager, I don't think my
parents even had a bedtime formy brother, or it was later
because they were like oh, wedon't feel like doing this twice
, so you might as well stay uplate too.
Right, it's hard.
It's hard being the person whopaves the way for others.
I think about this with activism, right?
(05:35):
The first woman to ever go intothe career field probably had
such a harder time than womennowadays.
Are we all equals?
No, but the pioneers, the first, the trendsetters, probably had
such a harder time.
Think about the first blackperson to go into a white
(05:58):
restaurant.
Can you imagine how hard thatwas, how much abuse, and this is
probably a terrible example.
It probably is, but what'shappening in the world right now
really is bringing me to thisheadspace of like let's not go
backwards.
The pioneers created so, theywent through so much to create
(06:23):
these rights for minorities, andhere we are kind of turning the
clock backwards.
Oh, my goodness, I digress.
Please don't turn this off.
I'm going to keep going aboutthe eldest child.
You're not here to hear aboutmy opinions, anyways.
So you were the one that gotblamed.
When you did something wrong.
You got punished prettyseverely.
Your parents had the energy todo that right.
(06:44):
You were the example youprobably heard hey, can you help
her sister with her shoes?
You're the oldest, you need toact like she's doing what you're
doing.
She's watching you or he'swatching you Set a good example.
So the translation is hey,you're responsible for everyone
else's crap.
(07:04):
Now, that's not what was saidto you explicitly, but
implicitly.
That's very much how you wereparented this message that
you're responsible for otherpeople.
You're responsible for your mombeing proud of you and happy.
You're responsible for your dadbeing angry at you if you did
something irresponsible.
You're responsible for helpingyour siblings, right.
(07:27):
So see how you were reinforcedto consider and be in charge of
other people's reaction.
And if your parents wereoverwhelmed, emotionally
immature or just inconsistent,that pressure turned into
full-blown parentification.
You became a backup parent, thefixer, the emotional sponge,
(07:51):
maybe the family therapist.
So let's talk a little bit aboutwhat the research says.
I'm not just roasting you, I'msharing with you the evidence,
the psychological understanding.
So studies show that eldestkids are more likely to be high,
achieving, conscientious,conscientious that's a hard word
(08:14):
to say, try saying that outloud three times fast
Conscientious, conscientious,anyways, high, achieving,
conscientious, and even higher.
They earn higher salaries onaverage.
But also they tend to be moreanxious, more perfectionistic
(08:36):
why did I pick a podcast with somany challenging words?
Perfectionistic, and theytypically struggle with
relinquishing control.
So it's harder to lean intovulnerability a lot of times for
the eldest child it's a lot oftimes.
If you're an eldest daughter,it's really hard to get in touch
(08:58):
sometimes with that femininity,that soft, vulnerable side of
yourself.
Eldest children ofteninternalize love as being useful
or successful.
So if you have been shaped,you've been conditioned to think
that being useful to others orbeing successful, however your
(09:20):
family valued that is a goodthing.
For me it was running abusiness.
Oh my God, doesn't that justsurprise you.
So here I am running a businessand it's probably because I was
shaped to.
My parents really valued smallbusiness and I was the eldest
child Whoa, boom.
So you're probably reallysuccessful or you are really
(09:43):
useful to others.
So you probably bend overbackwards to make others happy
and you probably have a reallyhard time when somebody's mad at
you.
Okay.
So if rest makes you feelguilty or if you need a
spreadsheet to take a vacation,hey, hey, eldest child, what's
up?
And if you're listening to thisto understand an eldest child,
(10:06):
maybe you're starting to buildsome insight.
Maybe your partner's the eldest, maybe your older sister's the
eldest, maybe I don't know, butmaybe this is helping you look
at them in a different way.
Let's talk a little bit abouthow this shows up in your
adulthood.
So in your relationships, youprobably are taking on the
(10:27):
project manager role.
You probably keep the mentalchecklist.
So my husband gives me a hardtime because I'll be like I did
the dishwasher four times lastweek and you only did it once.
And he's like geez, louise, whydo you keep track of such
things?
(10:47):
But then when I do nice things,you don't remember and I'm like
, oh, you're right, I've gotthis mental checklist of
responsibilities and I need tolearn to lay that down.
I really need to learn to laythat down so I can be at peace
in my relationships.
Or planning the logistics.
I, in my marriage, have areally hard time letting Robert
(11:12):
plan vacations because I'm sofearful that he's going to screw
it up.
And then, when he does screw itup because that's how you learn
right, if you never planned avacation and you plan a vacation
for the first time, you'regoing to screw it up.
That's how you learn.
I hold him over the fire.
I'm better now, but in thebeginning of our relationship,
like 10 years ago, I would haveheld him over the fire.
I'm better now, but in thebeginning of our relationship,
like 10 years ago, I would haveheld him over the fire for
(11:34):
making a mistake or putting.
One time we went to Germany andI planned most of the trip and I
was like, can't you just helpme at all?
And he's like sure, what's ourfirst?
What haven't you done yet?
And I was like we need a hotelroom in Frankfurt.
Okay, it was our first stop.
So we got into Germany, we hada six month old baby and we go
(11:56):
to the hotel.
We're sleeping because we'resuper jet lagged.
But then we wake up and we'relike, all right, it was
nighttime in Germany.
We're like we're starving, wehave to get something to eat.
So we get outside of the hotelthe hotel was really nice Get
outside of the hotel.
We're walking down the road,the baby's in the stroller.
Drug dealer, drug dealer, sexworker, sex shop drug dealer.
(12:17):
I remember a drug dealer likeliterally drug deal going down
and these people were likenefarious and looked at me and
they're like nice baby.
Long story short, we got intothe cab to come home after we
had had dinner somewhere.
We figured out where to havedinner and we had a cab driver
drive us home and he's likeyou're staying in the red light
(12:38):
district.
Oh my God, I died.
I still laugh about this tothis day.
And my husband's like huh, hewas like yeah, frankfurt's the
only city in Germany with a redlight district and you're
staying right in the heart of itand I oh my God, dead, totally
dead.
I was so angry at him, but nowI think it's hilarious, okay.
(13:04):
Another thing that probablyhappens to you in your adult
relationships is that youprobably attract emotional
toddlers.
You probably are attractingpeople.
If you haven't healed, if youhaven't done the work and
unraveled these defenses,unraveled these ways of being,
(13:27):
you probably attract people toyou who expect you to hold it
all together.
We always attract and this ismaybe a spiritual idea, but I
believe in it we always attractwhat we need to help us finish
(13:47):
our unfinished business.
We always do.
We have this lost part ofourselves and we're always going
to attract that.
So if you have a part ofyourself that's irresponsible
and you know wasn't able to justkick back and relax and take
care of yourself and putyourself first, you're probably
going to attract somebody thatdoes that and they're probably
going to drive you nuts untilyou do the work and you are able
(14:12):
to lean into that and becomewhole.
And then, once you become whole, then you can start giving
healing to someone else.
So a lot of times in couplestherapy people are looking to
fix the other person and themind fuckery of couples therapy
comes when you learn.
In order to get safety, youhave to give safety.
(14:32):
In order to get love, you haveto give love.
In order to get softness, youhave to give softness right.
So it's this journey of how doI find my shadow self become
whole so that I can give it toanother, so that we can now have
a union that's functional andsustainable In your work
(14:56):
environment.
You're the eldest child.
You're probably praised forbeing so reliable and working so
hard, but inside you're likescreaming and exhausted Burnout.
She's your shadow.
She's your shadow queen.
Right, you are probably burnoutlike a mofo.
I say she.
There are lots of eldestchildren that are men and you
(15:17):
probably struggle, probably.
Why did I just say that youdefinitely struggle with the
same dang thing.
So I'm sorry for saying she.
If you're he, he, okay.
In your family you're probablystill the one making the plan
for Thanksgiving and making thespreadsheet of when everything
needs to go in the oven.
No one's ever going to thankyou for it.
(15:39):
Probably your younger siblingsprobably act like you're bossy
and resent you.
But who else is going to makethe damn spreadsheet Right If
you don't do it?
No one's going to do it, butthey resent you for it.
I know in my family I'm alwaysthe one taking pictures and
asking smile, get together, lookup at the camera, and they used
(16:04):
to give me hell in a handbasket about that.
But now that we're older, theonly pictures that we have of us
as youngins is because I tookthem.
Thank you, you're welcome.
Do I get thanked for that?
No, but thank God, I've healedand learned to appreciate myself
.
Moving on, let's talk aboutsigns that you're still stuck in
(16:25):
that role.
It's probably pretty obvious toyou by now, but if you are
stuck in this role, you might bestruggling to ask for help.
You might be secretly resentfulwhen others relax or others
take care of themselves.
You don't trust that thingswill get done unless you do them
.
This is kind of like undercoveranxiety.
(16:48):
You over-identify with beingstrong and under-identify with
being supported.
So if I say to you, hey, you'reso strong, you're probably like
yeah, I know.
But if I'm like, oh, you'resupported and loved, like, yeah,
I know.
But if I'm like, oh, you'resupported and loved, you're
probably like ick, that's.
(17:10):
That's signs that you need toheal brother or sister.
Okay, this isn't just apersonality trait.
These are defenses that weredeveloped and reinforced,
conditioned into you very young.
So what are you going to do nowthat you've got all of this
lovely awareness?
I want you to start by askingyourself what would it look like
if I did things differently andhow would I behave differently
(17:33):
if I believed that I wasn'tresponsible for everybody else?
What might that look like?
And start small, right, startsmall.
Identify one area.
Here's a good one.
One of my clients used to getinto these drag out fights with
her husband over the dishwasher.
Her husband would always putthe silverware down instead of
(17:59):
up in the silverware holder, andwe were working on learning to
let that go.
Now, that's tiny, that seemssmall, but y'all, that's how
change happens.
Change happens finding smallsituations, small opportunities
to expose yourself to discomfort, to try something new and to
(18:21):
prove to yourself oh look, thesilverware is still clean, the
fork is clean, it's okay, right,I can let that go.
And learning to let things goin a little way does have ripple
effects.
So ask yourself what's onething that I take responsibility
, thing that I takeresponsibility, taking
(18:44):
responsibility and that I don'tneed to, I can let go.
I want the other thing for youto do is I want you to notice
how often you jump in to fix ormanage something without being
asked.
This might come in the form ofcomforting someone, getting
(19:08):
someone a gift because you knowthey're going through a hard
time, like you're fixing ormanaging or like helping when
you have not been invited to doso.
I also want you to practicedelegating, even if it's just
asking your partner to makedinner one night a week.
Hey, you know, I'm hoping that.
Maybe you know I'm usually theone cooking dinner.
(19:29):
How about Tuesdays?
You make dinner and I promisethat I am going to let you make
dinner.
I'm not going to criticize you.
I'm not going to buy you theprep ingredients, I'm not going
to plan it.
I'm not going to give you a 10step tutorial on how to make it,
I'm just going to plan it.
I'm not going to give you a10-step tutorial on how to make
it.
I'm just going to expect fordinner to show up at six o'clock
on a Tuesday or whatever.
(19:49):
But you have to also like letthe whole thing go.
My friend, if you practicedelegation, you have to be
comfortable with the result andyou have to keep your mouth shut
when the result is somethingthat you didn't expect or
something happens not the wayyou would have done it.
Keep your mouth shut Becauseagain, let's go back to Pavlov
(20:10):
you're conditioning.
If someone does something andyou criticize them, you are
conditioning them not to do it,and the whole purpose of
delegating is for you to let go,friend, for you to let go, and
if you let go and then criticizeand punish someone for what
they're doing, they're not goingto do it, just saying Okay.
(20:31):
Also, last little exercise foryou.
Let good enough be good enough.
Just because you're capabledoesn't mean it should always be
you right.
I think there's this terminaluniqueness that eldest child
hold on to Like I'm terminallyunique, I'm the only one that
(20:53):
can do this.
I'm the only one, yeah, butjust because you can doesn't
mean you should, and sometimesthe silverware being face down
in the silver holder is goodenough, all right.
So I want you to have thisaffirmation.
I love affirmations.
I have these little stickynotes all over my house and I
(21:15):
always offer these to mycoaching clients and to my
therapy clients.
I have them have like anaffirmation or a mantra of the
week.
I always call it a mantra,mantra, affirmation, whatever.
But here it is.
I'm allowed to rest, I'mallowed to receive.
I don't have to prove my worthby carrying everything for
(21:37):
everyone all the time.
Here's another one that I reallylike.
I can't be all things to allpeople all the time.
Here's another one that Ireally like.
I can't be all things to allpeople all the time.
I like that, I really like that, because you can't, you just
can't, and if you are trying todo that, you probably resent
everybody in your life, allright.
So being the eldest can really.
(21:58):
It can make you a leader, canmake you a protector, it can
make you a total badass, but itcan also make you a martyr, and
you don't have to live thereanymore, friend.
Next episode, we're going totalk about middle child magic
and invisibility, and if you'renot the middle child or second
child, I still want you tolisten to it because I think
(22:21):
that it will help you have adeeper understanding and empathy
for the people in your life.
Okay, hop on over to PrivatePractice with Gayla.
If you want to connect with meon social media or subscribe,
hit that subscribe button.
It helps me get to morepeople's ears.
Share this with a friend, sharethis with an eldest child,
(22:42):
y'all All right, I'll catch younext week.
Bye.
Welcome, welcome, happy Monday.
I am so glad you are here.
If you are new here, welcome tothe Not your Therapist podcast,
where we talk about all thingsmental health.
I'm Kayla, I am a therapist, Icreated a group practice here in
Wilmington, north Carolina, andI love to take the white gloves
off and not be restricted byinsurance or professionalism and
(00:26):
I like to just be myself onhere and tell it how it is.
So today we're going to talkabout being the eldest child.
I think this is so funny.
When I was writing this, I waslike you were parentified before
you had pubes.
And it is true.
It is so, so true.
I love the title the CEO intraining or resentful parent
(00:48):
number two, because that's a lotof times where we go Eldest
child, eldest childs, what?
Eldest children either becomeleaders or they become resentful
and stewy and scary.
Because you can either it'salmost like gasoline, right, if
(01:12):
you have a bunch of gasoline,you can either pour it on
yourself and light yourself onfrigging fire, or you could put
it in your gas tank and actuallygo somewhere.
But in order to pour it in yourgas tank and go somewhere, you
have to have that awareness, theacceptance and the action.
So today it's all going to beabout the eldest child, how
(01:32):
you've been impacted, what theresearch says, and I'm even
going to give you some tipsabout building that awareness,
trying to find that acceptanceand maybe even leaning into a
little bit of action to changethe defense mechanisms that you
probably developed to survive asthe eldest child in your family
.
Let's get into it, okay.
(01:56):
So let's be honest Eldestchildren don't really get a
childhood as much as they get a10-year unpaid internship in
emotional labor, especially ifeither of your parents is
emotionally immature, if you'vegot alcoholism, if you've got
mental health disorders, ifyou've got a parent that peaced
(02:20):
out, if you had the additionalburden of having parents that
were unbaked cookies, then thisis probably even more pronounced
.
If you were raised in more of awholesome family, these traits
will be there.
(02:40):
They just won't be maybe asglaringly obvious, but they will
definitely be there.
Okay, so let's talk about how.
You already know this, but youwere probably the one who got
blamed a lot and expected tolead, and you had a lot of
expectations put on you.
There were all the eyeballs onyou, right, you were the example
(03:02):
, you were the first.
You paved the way for everybodyelse.
You were probably incrediblyresponsible because your parents
expected you to be.
You were praised when you wereresponsible.
You were probably ignored orpunished when you were
irresponsible.
So, of course, if you thinkabout classical conditioning so
when I talk about classicalconditioning everyone thinks
(03:24):
about Pavlov.
Right, pavlov was apsychologist and he was the one
who figured out conditioning.
Aka, if a dog heard a bell andwas given food, heard a bell and
was given food, heard a belland was giving food, eventually,
when you ring the bell, the dogexpects to be fed.
So that is conditioning.
(03:46):
And so when there is areinforcement, a behavior gets
reinforced and develops and isstronger.
When a behavior is ignored orpunished or there's some kind of
a consequence, that behaviorstarts to dwindle.
So for eldest children, we thinkabout it.
(04:08):
I have an oldest child and whenhe puts his dish away, when he
throws something in the trash,when he helps mommy change the
baby's diaper, when he puts hisown shoes on, I praise the crap
out of him.
I'm like wow, it's amazing,good job, you're so rad.
And I can imagine that as hedevelops and gets older, I'm
(04:29):
going to continue to praiseresponsible shit, responsible
behaviors and I'm thinking aboutmyself.
I am the eldest child and I alsoknow a lot of eldest children
and I'm thinking about how, whenI was raised, my parents
praised the crap out of me forgood grades and then my brother
(04:50):
came along and he was gettinglike C minuses.
My parents were like, yay, andthen I'd get a, b, and they were
like we expected better of you.
That is the perfect littlestory, or example of the
difference in these expectationsthat are put on.
The first, I think I had, likeyou know, a bedtime of nine and
(05:13):
then, by the time I was ateenager, I don't think my
parents even had a bedtime formy brother, or it was later
because they were like oh, wedon't feel like doing this twice
, so you might as well stay uplate too.
Right, it's hard.
It's hard being the person whopaves the way for others.
I think about this with activism, right?
(05:35):
The first woman to ever go intothe career field probably had
such a harder time than womennowadays.
Are we all equals?
No, but the pioneers, the first, the trendsetters, probably had
such a harder time.
Think about the first blackperson to go into a white
(05:58):
restaurant.
Can you imagine how hard thatwas, how much abuse, and this is
probably a terrible example.
It probably is, but what'shappening in the world right now
really is bringing me to thisheadspace of like let's not go
backwards.
The pioneers created so, theywent through so much to create
(06:23):
these rights for minorities, andhere we are kind of turning the
clock backwards.
Oh, my goodness, I digress.
Please don't turn this off.
I'm going to keep going aboutthe eldest child.
You're not here to hear aboutmy opinions, anyways.
So you were the one that gotblamed.
When you did something wrong.
You got punished prettyseverely.
Your parents had the energy todo that right.
(06:44):
You were the example youprobably heard hey, can you help
her sister with her shoes?
You're the oldest, you need toact like she's doing what you're
doing.
She's watching you or he'swatching you Set a good example.
So the translation is hey,you're responsible for everyone
else's crap.
(07:04):
Now, that's not what was saidto you explicitly, but
implicitly.
That's very much how you wereparented this message that
you're responsible for otherpeople.
You're responsible for your mombeing proud of you and happy.
You're responsible for your dadbeing angry at you if you did
something irresponsible.
You're responsible for helpingyour siblings, right.
(07:27):
So see how you were reinforcedto consider and be in charge of
other people's reaction.
And if your parents wereoverwhelmed, emotionally
immature or just inconsistent,that pressure turned into
full-blown parentification.
You became a backup parent, thefixer, the emotional sponge,
(07:51):
maybe the family therapist.
So let's talk a little bit aboutwhat the research says.
I'm not just roasting you, I'msharing with you the evidence,
the psychological understanding.
So studies show that eldestkids are more likely to be high,
achieving, conscientious,conscientious that's a hard word
(08:14):
to say, try saying that outloud three times fast
Conscientious, conscientious,anyways, high, achieving,
conscientious, and even higher.
They earn higher salaries onaverage.
But also they tend to be moreanxious, more perfectionistic
(08:36):
why did I pick a podcast with somany challenging words?
Perfectionistic, and theytypically struggle with
relinquishing control.
So it's harder to lean intovulnerability a lot of times for
the eldest child it's a lot oftimes.
If you're an eldest daughter,it's really hard to get in touch
(08:58):
sometimes with that femininity,that soft, vulnerable side of
yourself.
Eldest children ofteninternalize love as being useful
or successful.
So if you have been shaped,you've been conditioned to think
that being useful to others orbeing successful, however your
(09:20):
family valued that is a goodthing.
For me it was running abusiness.
Oh my God, doesn't that justsurprise you.
So here I am running a businessand it's probably because I was
shaped to.
My parents really valued smallbusiness and I was the eldest
child Whoa, boom.
So you're probably reallysuccessful or you are really
(09:43):
useful to others.
So you probably bend overbackwards to make others happy
and you probably have a reallyhard time when somebody's mad at
you.
Okay.
So if rest makes you feelguilty or if you need a
spreadsheet to take a vacation,hey, hey, eldest child, what's
up?
And if you're listening to thisto understand an eldest child,
(10:06):
maybe you're starting to buildsome insight.
Maybe your partner's the eldest, maybe your older sister's the
eldest, maybe I don't know, butmaybe this is helping you look
at them in a different way.
Let's talk a little bit abouthow this shows up in your
adulthood.
So in your relationships, youprobably are taking on the
(10:27):
project manager role.
You probably keep the mentalchecklist.
So my husband gives me a hardtime because I'll be like I did
the dishwasher four times lastweek and you only did it once.
And he's like geez, louise, whydo you keep track of such
things?
(10:47):
But then when I do nice things,you don't remember and I'm like
, oh, you're right, I've gotthis mental checklist of
responsibilities and I need tolearn to lay that down.
I really need to learn to laythat down so I can be at peace
in my relationships.
Or planning the logistics.
I, in my marriage, have areally hard time letting Robert
(11:12):
plan vacations because I'm sofearful that he's going to screw
it up.
And then, when he does screw itup because that's how you learn
right, if you never planned avacation and you plan a vacation
for the first time, you'regoing to screw it up.
That's how you learn.
I hold him over the fire.
I'm better now, but in thebeginning of our relationship,
like 10 years ago, I would haveheld him over the fire.
I'm better now, but in thebeginning of our relationship,
like 10 years ago, I would haveheld him over the fire for
(11:34):
making a mistake or putting.
One time we went to Germany andI planned most of the trip and I
was like, can't you just helpme at all?
And he's like sure, what's ourfirst?
What haven't you done yet?
And I was like we need a hotelroom in Frankfurt.
Okay, it was our first stop.
So we got into Germany, we hada six month old baby and we go
(11:56):
to the hotel.
We're sleeping because we'resuper jet lagged.
But then we wake up and we'relike, all right, it was
nighttime in Germany.
We're like we're starving, wehave to get something to eat.
So we get outside of the hotelthe hotel was really nice Get
outside of the hotel.
We're walking down the road,the baby's in the stroller.
Drug dealer, drug dealer, sexworker, sex shop drug dealer.
(12:17):
I remember a drug dealer likeliterally drug deal going down
and these people were likenefarious and looked at me and
they're like nice baby.
Long story short, we got intothe cab to come home after we
had had dinner somewhere.
We figured out where to havedinner and we had a cab driver
drive us home and he's likeyou're staying in the red light
(12:38):
district.
Oh my God, I died.
I still laugh about this tothis day.
And my husband's like huh, hewas like yeah, frankfurt's the
only city in Germany with a redlight district and you're
staying right in the heart of itand I oh my God, dead, totally
dead.
I was so angry at him, but nowI think it's hilarious, okay.
(13:04):
Another thing that probablyhappens to you in your adult
relationships is that youprobably attract emotional
toddlers.
You probably are attractingpeople.
If you haven't healed, if youhaven't done the work and
unraveled these defenses,unraveled these ways of being,
(13:27):
you probably attract people toyou who expect you to hold it
all together.
We always attract and this ismaybe a spiritual idea, but I
believe in it we always attractwhat we need to help us finish
(13:47):
our unfinished business.
We always do.
We have this lost part ofourselves and we're always going
to attract that.
So if you have a part ofyourself that's irresponsible
and you know wasn't able to justkick back and relax and take
care of yourself and putyourself first, you're probably
going to attract somebody thatdoes that and they're probably
going to drive you nuts untilyou do the work and you are able
(14:12):
to lean into that and becomewhole.
And then, once you become whole, then you can start giving
healing to someone else.
So a lot of times in couplestherapy people are looking to
fix the other person and themind fuckery of couples therapy
comes when you learn.
In order to get safety, youhave to give safety.
(14:32):
In order to get love, you haveto give love.
In order to get softness, youhave to give softness right.
So it's this journey of how doI find my shadow self become
whole so that I can give it toanother, so that we can now have
a union that's functional andsustainable In your work
(14:56):
environment.
You're the eldest child.
You're probably praised forbeing so reliable and working so
hard, but inside you're likescreaming and exhausted Burnout.
She's your shadow.
She's your shadow queen.
Right, you are probably burnoutlike a mofo.
I say she.
There are lots of eldestchildren that are men and you
(15:17):
probably struggle, probably.
Why did I just say that youdefinitely struggle with the
same dang thing.
So I'm sorry for saying she.
If you're he, he, okay.
In your family you're probablystill the one making the plan
for Thanksgiving and making thespreadsheet of when everything
needs to go in the oven.
No one's ever going to thankyou for it.
(15:39):
Probably your younger siblingsprobably act like you're bossy
and resent you.
But who else is going to makethe damn spreadsheet Right If
you don't do it?
No one's going to do it, butthey resent you for it.
I know in my family I'm alwaysthe one taking pictures and
asking smile, get together, lookup at the camera, and they used
(16:04):
to give me hell in a handbasket about that.
But now that we're older, theonly pictures that we have of us
as youngins is because I tookthem.
Thank you, you're welcome.
Do I get thanked for that?
No, but thank God, I've healedand learned to appreciate myself
.
Moving on, let's talk aboutsigns that you're still stuck in
(16:25):
that role.
It's probably pretty obvious toyou by now, but if you are
stuck in this role, you might bestruggling to ask for help.
You might be secretly resentfulwhen others relax or others
take care of themselves.
You don't trust that thingswill get done unless you do them
.
This is kind of like undercoveranxiety.
(16:48):
You over-identify with beingstrong and under-identify with
being supported.
So if I say to you, hey, you'reso strong, you're probably like
yeah, I know.
But if I'm like, oh, you'resupported and loved, like, yeah,
I know.
But if I'm like, oh, you'resupported and loved, you're
probably like ick, that's.
(17:10):
That's signs that you need toheal brother or sister.
Okay, this isn't just apersonality trait.
These are defenses that weredeveloped and reinforced,
conditioned into you very young.
So what are you going to do nowthat you've got all of this
lovely awareness?
I want you to start by askingyourself what would it look like
if I did things differently andhow would I behave differently
(17:33):
if I believed that I wasn'tresponsible for everybody else?
What might that look like?
And start small, right, startsmall.
Identify one area.
Here's a good one.
One of my clients used to getinto these drag out fights with
her husband over the dishwasher.
Her husband would always putthe silverware down instead of
(17:59):
up in the silverware holder, andwe were working on learning to
let that go.
Now, that's tiny, that seemssmall, but y'all, that's how
change happens.
Change happens finding smallsituations, small opportunities
to expose yourself to discomfort, to try something new and to
(18:21):
prove to yourself oh look, thesilverware is still clean, the
fork is clean, it's okay, right,I can let that go.
And learning to let things goin a little way does have ripple
effects.
So ask yourself what's onething that I take responsibility
, thing that I takeresponsibility, taking
(18:44):
responsibility and that I don'tneed to, I can let go.
I want the other thing for youto do is I want you to notice
how often you jump in to fix ormanage something without being
asked.
This might come in the form ofcomforting someone, getting
(19:08):
someone a gift because you knowthey're going through a hard
time, like you're fixing ormanaging or like helping when
you have not been invited to doso.
I also want you to practicedelegating, even if it's just
asking your partner to makedinner one night a week.
Hey, you know, I'm hoping that.
Maybe you know I'm usually theone cooking dinner.
(19:29):
How about Tuesdays?
You make dinner and I promisethat I am going to let you make
dinner.
I'm not going to criticize you.
I'm not going to buy you theprep ingredients, I'm not going
to plan it.
I'm not going to give you a 10step tutorial on how to make it,
I'm just going to plan it.
I'm not going to give you a10-step tutorial on how to make
it.
I'm just going to expect fordinner to show up at six o'clock
on a Tuesday or whatever.
(19:49):
But you have to also like letthe whole thing go.
My friend, if you practicedelegation, you have to be
comfortable with the result andyou have to keep your mouth shut
when the result is somethingthat you didn't expect or
something happens not the wayyou would have done it.
Keep your mouth shut Becauseagain, let's go back to Pavlov
(20:10):
you're conditioning.
If someone does something andyou criticize them, you are
conditioning them not to do it,and the whole purpose of
delegating is for you to let go,friend, for you to let go, and
if you let go and then criticizeand punish someone for what
they're doing, they're not goingto do it, just saying Okay.
(20:31):
Also, last little exercise foryou.
Let good enough be good enough.
Just because you're capabledoesn't mean it should always be
you right.
I think there's this terminaluniqueness that eldest child
hold on to Like I'm terminallyunique, I'm the only one that
(20:53):
can do this.
I'm the only one, yeah, butjust because you can doesn't
mean you should, and sometimesthe silverware being face down
in the silver holder is goodenough, all right.
So I want you to have thisaffirmation.
I love affirmations.
I have these little stickynotes all over my house and I
(21:15):
always offer these to mycoaching clients and to my
therapy clients.
I have them have like anaffirmation or a mantra of the
week.
I always call it a mantra,mantra, affirmation, whatever.
But here it is.
I'm allowed to rest, I'mallowed to receive.
I don't have to prove my worthby carrying everything for
(21:37):
everyone all the time.
Here's another one that I reallylike.
I can't be all things to allpeople all the time.
Here's another one that Ireally like.
I can't be all things to allpeople all the time.
I like that, I really like that, because you can't, you just
can't, and if you are trying todo that, you probably resent
everybody in your life, allright.
So being the eldest can really.
(21:58):
It can make you a leader, canmake you a protector, it can
make you a total badass, but itcan also make you a martyr, and
you don't have to live thereanymore, friend.
Next episode, we're going totalk about middle child magic
and invisibility, and if you'renot the middle child or second
child, I still want you tolisten to it because I think
(22:21):
that it will help you have adeeper understanding and empathy
for the people in your life.
Okay, hop on over to PrivatePractice with Gayla.
If you want to connect with meon social media or subscribe,
hit that subscribe button.
It helps me get to morepeople's ears.
Share this with a friend, sharethis with an eldest child,
(22:42):
y'all All right, I'll catch younext week.
Bye.
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