June 16, 2025 • 22 mins
Were you the middle child—the one who stayed out of the way, kept the peace, and quietly handled your own emotional needs? You’re not alone. In this episode of Not Your Therapist, we dive deep into the psychology of middle child syndrome, emotional distancing, and why so many middle children become chronic people-pleasers or “distancers” in adulthood.
We’ll talk about how middle children are shaped by their role in the family, what happens when your needs are ignored, and how that invisibility can turn into emotional walls later in life. Plus: the difference between being the middle of three vs. the second of two, and why that matters more than you might think.
Whether you’re a recovering mediator or the “easy” one who no one checked on, this episode is your permission slip to stop shrinking and start taking up space.
👉 Ask me a question or suggest a topic hello@kaylareilly.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
the middle child for me was the hardest episode to
write and probably going to bethe hardest one for me to record
, because and it's kind of justlike self-explanatory right the
middle child withdraws, kind ofshuts down, becomes invisible,
(00:22):
right Neglected, and thereforeit's really hard to understand
them because they typicallydon't share much.
Today, on Not your Therapistpodcast, I'm going to dive into
the psychology behind being themiddle child.
I'm also going to talk aboutthe difference between being a
middle child and just being thesecond of two children and how
(00:46):
that can be similar but also alittle bit different.
So if you're a middle child, oryou are married to a middle
child or you have a middle child, you're a parent.
I want you to listen to this sothat you can understand in a
deeper level and maybe make somechanges.
Let's hop into it.
This one is the middle child.
(01:07):
Let's be real.
Middle children don't get theglory.
They're not the trailblazerfirstborn or the adorable baby
youngest.
They're just there.
You're not the one with thebaby book, they're not the one
(01:28):
trying to figure out who theyare in the family that seems
already full.
If you're the middle child, yougot less attention.
You probably got less structure, but a lot more freedom, and in
that freedom you learned toadapt, to not rock the boat, to
make yourself small so that noone would make things worse.
(01:53):
Middle kids don't always act out.
Sometimes they just fade out.
A lot of times they act out,though.
Let's talk about the psychologyfor a second.
Middle children often developwhat psychologists call
relational intelligence.
They're usually more empathetic, they're more diplomatic,
(02:16):
they're more peer-oriented.
Hello, found family right?
These are the people whousually have deep friendships,
and a lot of friendships.
These are people who are lesslikely to form a fixed identity
early on.
They're more of a seeker ofidentity and they usually change
depending on who they're withor what environment or what's
(02:39):
going on in their life.
So here's a little bit of thedarker side though life.
So here's a little bit of thedarker side, though.
They can struggle with feelinginvisible or unimportant,
chronic people pleasing.
They can have difficultyasserting themselves or
expressing their feelings ortheir needs, or even knowing
their feelings and their needs,because they've learned to shove
them down deep and emotionaldistancing, keeping people at
(03:02):
arm's length because it neverfelt safe to need anything from
others.
So now that's their MO, and Ithink this one is particularly
the hardest to heal from,because not only are you hiding
and minimizing your needs fromothers, you start to hide and
minimize your own needs fromyourself to hide and minimize
(03:28):
your own needs from yourself.
So I feel like the middlechildren have the biggest
journey when they're healing,because they really need to
connect with a part of them thatis probably so small and
starving and feeble.
You know what I think about whenI think about the middle child.
This is awful.
This is a terrible metaphor,but it's true.
It's just.
What came to my mind is inHarry Potter, when he beat Lord
(03:53):
Voldemort and Lord Voldemort islike shriveled underneath the
bench at the King's Crossstation, when Harry's dead and
is talking to Dumbledore andDumbledore's telling him like
you can go on or you couldprobably wake the hell up and
fight the bad guys and live alife, and Lord Voldemort's just
(04:15):
shriveled up and under a benchand feeble.
That's so sad.
That is so sad.
Even Lord Voldemort, I wantedto like hold him.
Is it because I'm a mom and Ihave hormones, or is it just
because that image is so sad?
Okay, so let me tell you alittle bit about my brother,
(04:36):
buddy.
His name is not Buddy, but wealways called him Buddy.
That's a story for another day.
Called him Buddy that's a storyfor another day.
But, buddy, if you're listeningto this, this one's for you.
Bro, this isn't my role.
I'm the oldest, but I do havemy younger brother and I have a
(04:56):
younger sister as well, so mybrother is a true middle child.
So I've watched it up close.
My younger brother was the quietone.
He stayed out of the way.
He did get in a little trouble,but he never seemed like he
needed anything.
My parents were chaotic andunhealthy.
They were really unwell.
They were crazy Sorry, but it'strue they were crazy.
(05:18):
And when chaos was going down,he just didn't seem to care.
He was like leave me alone.
Like I used to wake him up atnight when they were really
fighting and really going at itand be like buddy, mom and dad
are fighting again.
And he was like just let me goto sleep, right.
So he, that wasn't indifference, though, it was self-protection
(05:42):
.
So that was a kid learning hey,if I ask for less, maybe I'll
get hurt less and I'll getrejected less and I'll get
denied less.
So middle children have thebehavior of not being as
demanding.
That's reinforced in theirchildhood.
(06:04):
So therefore they becomedistancers in adulthood.
So if I've talked aboutcouplehood in here or just being
in a relationship, that was mybread and butter when I was
seeing clients.
I'm going to start seeingclients again.
Y'all I'm so excited.
So if you're in North Carolinaand you want to see me, hop on
(06:25):
over to evolutionwellnessnccomor my website, kaylarileycom,
and learn how to be my client.
I'm taking a really, reallyselect few.
I'm taking like four clientsAnyways.
Okay, so I saw couples.
That was my bread and butter.
I have tons of training incouple stuff and the biggest
dynamic that we see in couplescounseling is the
(06:47):
pursuer-distancer dynamic.
The pursuer is somebody whodoesn't contain their energy or
their needs or their talking, orthey just talk, talk, talk,
talk and they're just much.
They are a lot right, andthey're constantly seeking from
their partner to give to them orto be with them or to you know,
(07:09):
attend to them, and then theyare typically with a distancer.
And a distancer is someone whowithdraws, avoids that avoidant
attachment style, right, someonewho's shrinking and is smaller.
And the more a pursuer pursues,the more a distancer distances.
(07:30):
Yeah, and it's this beautifultrauma dance that continuously
reinforces the unhealthy defensemechanisms that you developed
in childhood and this is whereit comes from folks In childhood
, if you were punished for needs, and think about this I'm not
(07:52):
saying that middle children werelegitimately punished when they
expressed needs.
This can be incredibly nuancedconditioning.
For example, when I pick mydaughter up from school, I put
her on my hip and I walk over toMiles' class and then Miles is
(08:15):
fussing because he wants to bepicked up too.
And I'm like, no, I can't helpboth of you.
And come on, buddy, I got asnack in the car and let's go.
And all that time Margo's beingignored.
I'm like, no, I can't help bothof you.
And come on, buddy, I got asnack in the car and let's go.
And all that time Margo's beingignored.
I'm not talking to her abouther day, because I'm trying to
get her older brother to come on, get in the car, right.
So see how she was justreinforced for being quiet and
(08:42):
not needy.
Does that make sense?
Maybe that's not a good example.
Let me think of one other one.
Okay, so here's another one.
Margo will be in the kitchenwith me while I'm cooking dinner
and Miles is like fussing.
I always say he's fussing.
He's not always fussing.
But this is just the examplethat are coming up to my in my
(09:04):
mind.
He's fussing because he can'tfix his truck and the little
wheel popped off.
And I'm trying to fix the wheelbut also I'm cooking, so I
don't want, you know, the tofuto burn on the fryer or whatever
.
And so I'm trying to fix thetruck and here's little Margo
and she's like, eh, like shelike fusses at my leg because
she wants to be picked up.
But here I am trying to fix atruck of a Tonka truck and I'm
(09:26):
frying up tofu and so I justgive her a snack, I hand her a
cheese stick.
Boom, that was her quiteliterally being reinforced to be
okay by herself, to not need me.
Oh God, that just made me sad,just saying that.
But I mean, it's honest, it'shonest people.
(09:49):
I don't think that any parentwakes up and is like I'm going
to emotionally neglect themiddle child today or the second
child today.
You don't do that intentionally.
Sometimes this just happens.
Now, if you were raised in ahome where there were
emotionally immature parents,someone with a mental health
disorder, somebody, maybe therewas a parent that left the
(10:12):
picture early, a parent diedearlier, a parent abandoned or
divorced parents or whateverlike, let's say, you have one of
these environments that's lesshealthy, less wholesome.
You probably have more explicitexamples as a middle child of
how you were reinforced to nothave needs.
(10:33):
I'm sorry that that happened toyou, that that's sad, and it's
so vital to understand whathappened to you so that you can
start to unwire.
Because guess what?
Distancing in a relationship isgoing to lead to divorce.
Distancing in a relationship isgoing to lead to your partner
(10:57):
seeking something else to getthose needs met.
And that's typically when acouple comes to therapy, is when
the distancer's distancing, thedistancer's distancing, the
distancer's distancing, thepursuer's pursuing and the
pursuer's pursuing, and theneventually the pursuer stops
distancing.
I mean the pursuer stopspursuing and the distancer
(11:18):
starts feeling anxiety becausethey're like whoa, wait a second
.
He or she is not like coming atme anymore, like what's going
on.
And that's typically whenpeople come to therapy is when
it's a little bit too late andsome big damage has been done
and we really have to work hardto heal from the wounds, plus
(11:41):
heal the original dynamic thatperpetuated the wound in the
first place.
Does that make sense to y'all?
I don't know.
It makes sense in my mind, butI'm a therapist.
I've been doing this for over adecade, okay, so middle children
have more relationalintelligence, but they also
struggle with feeling invisibleor unimportant.
(12:03):
Or they have learned emotionaldistancing and just shove their
needs down deep.
Yeah, and I kind of told youthe story of my brother, like
not wanting to hear if myparents were like going at it or
something bad was happening inthe home and I saw it as
indifference.
It really wasn't, it really wasself-protection.
(12:25):
Shutting down was a defensemechanism for him.
Middle children often becomethe distancers in adulthood and
I just explained to you howbeing a distancer really can
become incredibly dysfunctional.
And remember that middlechildren don't distance because
(12:46):
they don't want intimacy.
It's because they wereconditioned to believe that
either intimacy is dangerous andbad or when they seek intimacy,
connection or getting theirneeds met, they were rejected,
denied or ignored.
So why bother?
Right?
(13:06):
Again, this happens verysubconsciously.
They keep people at arm'slength, not because they don't
care, but because they learnearly on not to expect much from
other people.
So in relationships this mightshow up as emotionally
unavailable, right, or theymight look emotionally available
(13:31):
on the surface, but they'revery guarded.
This is, I know, somebody whoelse who is a middle child and
he is incredibly social.
He's incredibly likable.
But when you actually haveone-on-one time with him and
when you actually start to youknow, have a real conversation
(13:51):
with him, you see how defendedand guarded he actually is, like
very close-minded.
Really hard for him to connectintimately.
He very much avoids closeconnection, emotional
(14:12):
conversations.
No, can't do it.
Okay, they really struggle withvulnerability or asking for
help.
The middle children are oftenthe emotional container for
others, while they ignore theirown needs.
So this might be somebody whoeveryone goes to to kind of vent
or talk about their crap andthey're like uh-huh, uh-huh,
(14:34):
uh-huh.
So that's what we mean by theemotional container is they're
usually listening to everyoneelse's stuff and very rarely
talking about themselves.
So at work they probably getalong with everybody.
They avoid conflict.
They don't rock the boat, evenwhen they're seething inside.
(14:55):
They might not pursue any kindof leadership roles or excel
because they're not used tobeing seen or they are very much
excelling, but they have areally hard time receiving any
kind of validation.
It's very uncomfortable forthem because they didn't excel.
(15:16):
It's not like the eldest child,where they were finding success
in order to get praise andvalidation.
No, no, that's not them.
They probably excel atsomething and are good at
something, but they don't wantto receive that praise and
recognition.
Okay, with family they'reprobably still like the
(15:39):
peacekeeper at holidays.
They're still.
People probably say you're sochill, you're so laid back,
right.
But maybe it's just probablybecause they learned to suppress
.
Suppression is like middlechild is to suppression, as
eldest children are to approvalseeking Okay.
(16:03):
Eldest children are tooapproval-seeking, okay.
So let's talk about the subtlebut important distinction of
being a middle child versusbeing the second child of two.
Let's talk about that.
So if there are three people inyour family or more and you're
the middle child, that's verydifferent and similar in some
(16:27):
ways as being the second of onlytwo children.
So if you're the middle child,so you're in a family of three
or more children, you getsandwiched.
You're not the oldest, butyou're also not the baby.
So you're gonna be overlooked alot more in childhood, right,
(16:49):
and you're gonna negotiate a lotmore for belonging.
You're gonna have to negotiatemore for belonging.
You might struggle withidentity and getting attention
and validation.
Now, if you're the second of two, you're the youngest sibling in
a two-child family you're morelikely to be a rebel or compete
(17:10):
with the eldest child.
You are more.
You're going to receive more ofthat baby kind of role.
You also usually receive moreindulgence than a middle child,
but less pressure than a middlechild.
So the biggest difference ismiddles are surrounded, seconds
(17:32):
are just following.
Middles may disappearemotionally.
Seconds may still get to belike the fun one or like the
black sheep kind of effect.
So let's talk about signs thatyou're still playing the middle
kid role or you have somehealing to do from this and from
(17:56):
these kind of defenses.
Right, you might say thingslike I'm easy or I don't care,
more than you actually mean it.
You default to supporting roleslike friendship, work,
relationships.
You like default to thosesupporting kind of roles.
In your life You're more of asupporting actor instead of a
main character.
(18:16):
Energy you feel you might feeluncomfortable asking for what
you want, or you might not evenknow what you want.
You might have squished that.
That's the little LordVoldemort in you, right, the
shriveled little decrepit LordVoldemort.
Oh God, I'm just thinking aboutthe little Lord Voldemort and
wanting to wrap him up as like alittle baby, All right.
(18:40):
Another sign is that youdistance yourself emotionally
when things get too real.
So let's say, your partner ispursuing you or trying to find
intimacy, or a family member'sgoing through a health crisis,
or somebody dies, or you havechildren and you're really
(19:01):
stressed.
These are the situations whereyou might start to distance
yourself more and more and moreand more.
Now, remember, distancing canlook like behavioral, like hey,
I'm going to work a lot more.
Or distancing might look like,emotionally, I shut down and I
binge video games, or I'm alwayson my phone, or I'm doing more
(19:26):
drugs or I'm drinking more.
Okay.
Now let's talk about healingthis invisible wound or this
invisibility wound.
You know both terms areappropriate.
You either have these invisiblewounds or you have an
invisibility wound, or both Okay.
(19:48):
So what I want you to startdoing is start noticing.
Where do you shrink yourself tokeep the peace?
Where do you not express youropinion?
Now I want you to find a verysmall way to start practicing
expressing your preferences,even if it's in a small way.
(20:11):
Maybe you're expressing whatyou want for dinner.
Maybe you're expressing whatyou want the family to do on the
weekend, weekend, allowyourself to need things.
Let people show up for you.
Again, even if it's a small way,if somebody offers to help,
instead of automatically sayingno, I want you to lean into
(20:34):
saying yes.
And I'm sure you don't want tosay yes, but again, it's that
exposure and practice of sittingin discomfort.
Stop being so damn easy to loveby disappearing.
You are worthy of taking upspace, you are worthy of having
and expressing your opinions andyou're worthy of being a little
(20:57):
messy as you figure out how todo those things.
So here's your little mantra oraffirmation I offer you.
Write it on a sticky note, putit somewhere that you see, often
I don't have to disappear to beloved.
I am going to allow myself totake up some space Now.
If you felt stuck between roles, like you're a chameleon who
(21:19):
knows how to get, who knows howto be, who everybody else needs,
but you don't know how you areor who you are, this is your
wake up call, friend.
Now, next episode, we're goingto bring the chaos and the charm
and we're going to talk aboutthat young child energy, how
(21:39):
being the baby gives you fun,freedom and maybe a few blind
spots as well.
I'll catch you on the next one.
Thanks so much for being here.
Okay, bye, thank you.
the middle child for me was the hardest episode to
write and probably going to bethe hardest one for me to record
, because and it's kind of justlike self-explanatory right the
middle child withdraws, kind ofshuts down, becomes invisible,
(00:22):
right Neglected, and thereforeit's really hard to understand
them because they typicallydon't share much.
Today, on Not your Therapistpodcast, I'm going to dive into
the psychology behind being themiddle child.
I'm also going to talk aboutthe difference between being a
middle child and just being thesecond of two children and how
(00:46):
that can be similar but also alittle bit different.
So if you're a middle child, oryou are married to a middle
child or you have a middle child, you're a parent.
I want you to listen to this sothat you can understand in a
deeper level and maybe make somechanges.
Let's hop into it.
This one is the middle child.
(01:07):
Let's be real.
Middle children don't get theglory.
They're not the trailblazerfirstborn or the adorable baby
youngest.
They're just there.
You're not the one with thebaby book, they're not the one
(01:28):
trying to figure out who theyare in the family that seems
already full.
If you're the middle child, yougot less attention.
You probably got less structure, but a lot more freedom, and in
that freedom you learned toadapt, to not rock the boat, to
make yourself small so that noone would make things worse.
(01:53):
Middle kids don't always act out.
Sometimes they just fade out.
A lot of times they act out,though.
Let's talk about the psychologyfor a second.
Middle children often developwhat psychologists call
relational intelligence.
They're usually more empathetic, they're more diplomatic,
(02:16):
they're more peer-oriented.
Hello, found family right?
These are the people whousually have deep friendships,
and a lot of friendships.
These are people who are lesslikely to form a fixed identity
early on.
They're more of a seeker ofidentity and they usually change
depending on who they're withor what environment or what's
(02:39):
going on in their life.
So here's a little bit of thedarker side though life.
So here's a little bit of thedarker side, though.
They can struggle with feelinginvisible or unimportant,
chronic people pleasing.
They can have difficultyasserting themselves or
expressing their feelings ortheir needs, or even knowing
their feelings and their needs,because they've learned to shove
them down deep and emotionaldistancing, keeping people at
(03:02):
arm's length because it neverfelt safe to need anything from
others.
So now that's their MO, and Ithink this one is particularly
the hardest to heal from,because not only are you hiding
and minimizing your needs fromothers, you start to hide and
minimize your own needs fromyourself to hide and minimize
(03:28):
your own needs from yourself.
So I feel like the middlechildren have the biggest
journey when they're healing,because they really need to
connect with a part of them thatis probably so small and
starving and feeble.
You know what I think about whenI think about the middle child.
This is awful.
This is a terrible metaphor,but it's true.
It's just.
What came to my mind is inHarry Potter, when he beat Lord
(03:53):
Voldemort and Lord Voldemort islike shriveled underneath the
bench at the King's Crossstation, when Harry's dead and
is talking to Dumbledore andDumbledore's telling him like
you can go on or you couldprobably wake the hell up and
fight the bad guys and live alife, and Lord Voldemort's just
(04:15):
shriveled up and under a benchand feeble.
That's so sad.
That is so sad.
Even Lord Voldemort, I wantedto like hold him.
Is it because I'm a mom and Ihave hormones, or is it just
because that image is so sad?
Okay, so let me tell you alittle bit about my brother,
(04:36):
buddy.
His name is not Buddy, but wealways called him Buddy.
That's a story for another day.
Called him Buddy that's a storyfor another day.
But, buddy, if you're listeningto this, this one's for you.
Bro, this isn't my role.
I'm the oldest, but I do havemy younger brother and I have a
(04:56):
younger sister as well, so mybrother is a true middle child.
So I've watched it up close.
My younger brother was the quietone.
He stayed out of the way.
He did get in a little trouble,but he never seemed like he
needed anything.
My parents were chaotic andunhealthy.
They were really unwell.
They were crazy Sorry, but it'strue they were crazy.
(05:18):
And when chaos was going down,he just didn't seem to care.
He was like leave me alone.
Like I used to wake him up atnight when they were really
fighting and really going at itand be like buddy, mom and dad
are fighting again.
And he was like just let me goto sleep, right.
So he, that wasn't indifference, though, it was self-protection
(05:42):
.
So that was a kid learning hey,if I ask for less, maybe I'll
get hurt less and I'll getrejected less and I'll get
denied less.
So middle children have thebehavior of not being as
demanding.
That's reinforced in theirchildhood.
(06:04):
So therefore they becomedistancers in adulthood.
So if I've talked aboutcouplehood in here or just being
in a relationship, that was mybread and butter when I was
seeing clients.
I'm going to start seeingclients again.
Y'all I'm so excited.
So if you're in North Carolinaand you want to see me, hop on
(06:25):
over to evolutionwellnessnccomor my website, kaylarileycom,
and learn how to be my client.
I'm taking a really, reallyselect few.
I'm taking like four clientsAnyways.
Okay, so I saw couples.
That was my bread and butter.
I have tons of training incouple stuff and the biggest
dynamic that we see in couplescounseling is the
(06:47):
pursuer-distancer dynamic.
The pursuer is somebody whodoesn't contain their energy or
their needs or their talking, orthey just talk, talk, talk,
talk and they're just much.
They are a lot right, andthey're constantly seeking from
their partner to give to them orto be with them or to you know,
(07:09):
attend to them, and then theyare typically with a distancer.
And a distancer is someone whowithdraws, avoids that avoidant
attachment style, right, someonewho's shrinking and is smaller.
And the more a pursuer pursues,the more a distancer distances.
(07:30):
Yeah, and it's this beautifultrauma dance that continuously
reinforces the unhealthy defensemechanisms that you developed
in childhood and this is whereit comes from folks In childhood
, if you were punished for needs, and think about this I'm not
(07:52):
saying that middle children werelegitimately punished when they
expressed needs.
This can be incredibly nuancedconditioning.
For example, when I pick mydaughter up from school, I put
her on my hip and I walk over toMiles' class and then Miles is
(08:15):
fussing because he wants to bepicked up too.
And I'm like, no, I can't helpboth of you.
And come on, buddy, I got asnack in the car and let's go.
And all that time Margo's beingignored.
I'm like, no, I can't help bothof you.
And come on, buddy, I got asnack in the car and let's go.
And all that time Margo's beingignored.
I'm not talking to her abouther day, because I'm trying to
get her older brother to come on, get in the car, right.
So see how she was justreinforced for being quiet and
(08:42):
not needy.
Does that make sense?
Maybe that's not a good example.
Let me think of one other one.
Okay, so here's another one.
Margo will be in the kitchenwith me while I'm cooking dinner
and Miles is like fussing.
I always say he's fussing.
He's not always fussing.
But this is just the examplethat are coming up to my in my
(09:04):
mind.
He's fussing because he can'tfix his truck and the little
wheel popped off.
And I'm trying to fix the wheelbut also I'm cooking, so I
don't want, you know, the tofuto burn on the fryer or whatever
.
And so I'm trying to fix thetruck and here's little Margo
and she's like, eh, like shelike fusses at my leg because
she wants to be picked up.
But here I am trying to fix atruck of a Tonka truck and I'm
(09:26):
frying up tofu and so I justgive her a snack, I hand her a
cheese stick.
Boom, that was her quiteliterally being reinforced to be
okay by herself, to not need me.
Oh God, that just made me sad,just saying that.
But I mean, it's honest, it'shonest people.
(09:49):
I don't think that any parentwakes up and is like I'm going
to emotionally neglect themiddle child today or the second
child today.
You don't do that intentionally.
Sometimes this just happens.
Now, if you were raised in ahome where there were
emotionally immature parents,someone with a mental health
disorder, somebody, maybe therewas a parent that left the
(10:12):
picture early, a parent diedearlier, a parent abandoned or
divorced parents or whateverlike, let's say, you have one of
these environments that's lesshealthy, less wholesome.
You probably have more explicitexamples as a middle child of
how you were reinforced to nothave needs.
(10:33):
I'm sorry that that happened toyou, that that's sad, and it's
so vital to understand whathappened to you so that you can
start to unwire.
Because guess what?
Distancing in a relationship isgoing to lead to divorce.
Distancing in a relationship isgoing to lead to your partner
(10:57):
seeking something else to getthose needs met.
And that's typically when acouple comes to therapy, is when
the distancer's distancing, thedistancer's distancing, the
distancer's distancing, thepursuer's pursuing and the
pursuer's pursuing, and theneventually the pursuer stops
distancing.
I mean the pursuer stopspursuing and the distancer
(11:18):
starts feeling anxiety becausethey're like whoa, wait a second
.
He or she is not like coming atme anymore, like what's going
on.
And that's typically whenpeople come to therapy is when
it's a little bit too late andsome big damage has been done
and we really have to work hardto heal from the wounds, plus
(11:41):
heal the original dynamic thatperpetuated the wound in the
first place.
Does that make sense to y'all?
I don't know.
It makes sense in my mind, butI'm a therapist.
I've been doing this for over adecade, okay, so middle children
have more relationalintelligence, but they also
struggle with feeling invisibleor unimportant.
(12:03):
Or they have learned emotionaldistancing and just shove their
needs down deep.
Yeah, and I kind of told youthe story of my brother, like
not wanting to hear if myparents were like going at it or
something bad was happening inthe home and I saw it as
indifference.
It really wasn't, it really wasself-protection.
(12:25):
Shutting down was a defensemechanism for him.
Middle children often becomethe distancers in adulthood and
I just explained to you howbeing a distancer really can
become incredibly dysfunctional.
And remember that middlechildren don't distance because
(12:46):
they don't want intimacy.
It's because they wereconditioned to believe that
either intimacy is dangerous andbad or when they seek intimacy,
connection or getting theirneeds met, they were rejected,
denied or ignored.
So why bother?
Right?
(13:06):
Again, this happens verysubconsciously.
They keep people at arm'slength, not because they don't
care, but because they learnearly on not to expect much from
other people.
So in relationships this mightshow up as emotionally
unavailable, right, or theymight look emotionally available
(13:31):
on the surface, but they'revery guarded.
This is, I know, somebody whoelse who is a middle child and
he is incredibly social.
He's incredibly likable.
But when you actually haveone-on-one time with him and
when you actually start to youknow, have a real conversation
(13:51):
with him, you see how defendedand guarded he actually is, like
very close-minded.
Really hard for him to connectintimately.
He very much avoids closeconnection, emotional
(14:12):
conversations.
No, can't do it.
Okay, they really struggle withvulnerability or asking for
help.
The middle children are oftenthe emotional container for
others, while they ignore theirown needs.
So this might be somebody whoeveryone goes to to kind of vent
or talk about their crap andthey're like uh-huh, uh-huh,
(14:34):
uh-huh.
So that's what we mean by theemotional container is they're
usually listening to everyoneelse's stuff and very rarely
talking about themselves.
So at work they probably getalong with everybody.
They avoid conflict.
They don't rock the boat, evenwhen they're seething inside.
(14:55):
They might not pursue any kindof leadership roles or excel
because they're not used tobeing seen or they are very much
excelling, but they have areally hard time receiving any
kind of validation.
It's very uncomfortable forthem because they didn't excel.
(15:16):
It's not like the eldest child,where they were finding success
in order to get praise andvalidation.
No, no, that's not them.
They probably excel atsomething and are good at
something, but they don't wantto receive that praise and
recognition.
Okay, with family they'reprobably still like the
(15:39):
peacekeeper at holidays.
They're still.
People probably say you're sochill, you're so laid back,
right.
But maybe it's just probablybecause they learned to suppress
.
Suppression is like middlechild is to suppression, as
eldest children are to approvalseeking Okay.
(16:03):
Eldest children are tooapproval-seeking, okay.
So let's talk about the subtlebut important distinction of
being a middle child versusbeing the second child of two.
Let's talk about that.
So if there are three people inyour family or more and you're
the middle child, that's verydifferent and similar in some
(16:27):
ways as being the second of onlytwo children.
So if you're the middle child,so you're in a family of three
or more children, you getsandwiched.
You're not the oldest, butyou're also not the baby.
So you're gonna be overlooked alot more in childhood, right,
(16:49):
and you're gonna negotiate a lotmore for belonging.
You're gonna have to negotiatemore for belonging.
You might struggle withidentity and getting attention
and validation.
Now, if you're the second of two, you're the youngest sibling in
a two-child family you're morelikely to be a rebel or compete
(17:10):
with the eldest child.
You are more.
You're going to receive more ofthat baby kind of role.
You also usually receive moreindulgence than a middle child,
but less pressure than a middlechild.
So the biggest difference ismiddles are surrounded, seconds
(17:32):
are just following.
Middles may disappearemotionally.
Seconds may still get to belike the fun one or like the
black sheep kind of effect.
So let's talk about signs thatyou're still playing the middle
kid role or you have somehealing to do from this and from
(17:56):
these kind of defenses.
Right, you might say thingslike I'm easy or I don't care,
more than you actually mean it.
You default to supporting roleslike friendship, work,
relationships.
You like default to thosesupporting kind of roles.
In your life You're more of asupporting actor instead of a
main character.
(18:16):
Energy you feel you might feeluncomfortable asking for what
you want, or you might not evenknow what you want.
You might have squished that.
That's the little LordVoldemort in you, right, the
shriveled little decrepit LordVoldemort.
Oh God, I'm just thinking aboutthe little Lord Voldemort and
wanting to wrap him up as like alittle baby, All right.
(18:40):
Another sign is that youdistance yourself emotionally
when things get too real.
So let's say, your partner ispursuing you or trying to find
intimacy, or a family member'sgoing through a health crisis,
or somebody dies, or you havechildren and you're really
(19:01):
stressed.
These are the situations whereyou might start to distance
yourself more and more and moreand more.
Now, remember, distancing canlook like behavioral, like hey,
I'm going to work a lot more.
Or distancing might look like,emotionally, I shut down and I
binge video games, or I'm alwayson my phone, or I'm doing more
(19:26):
drugs or I'm drinking more.
Okay.
Now let's talk about healingthis invisible wound or this
invisibility wound.
You know both terms areappropriate.
You either have these invisiblewounds or you have an
invisibility wound, or both Okay.
(19:48):
So what I want you to startdoing is start noticing.
Where do you shrink yourself tokeep the peace?
Where do you not express youropinion?
Now I want you to find a verysmall way to start practicing
expressing your preferences,even if it's in a small way.
(20:11):
Maybe you're expressing whatyou want for dinner.
Maybe you're expressing whatyou want the family to do on the
weekend, weekend, allowyourself to need things.
Let people show up for you.
Again, even if it's a small way,if somebody offers to help,
instead of automatically sayingno, I want you to lean into
(20:34):
saying yes.
And I'm sure you don't want tosay yes, but again, it's that
exposure and practice of sittingin discomfort.
Stop being so damn easy to loveby disappearing.
You are worthy of taking upspace, you are worthy of having
and expressing your opinions andyou're worthy of being a little
(20:57):
messy as you figure out how todo those things.
So here's your little mantra oraffirmation I offer you.
Write it on a sticky note, putit somewhere that you see, often
I don't have to disappear to beloved.
I am going to allow myself totake up some space Now.
If you felt stuck between roles, like you're a chameleon who
(21:19):
knows how to get, who knows howto be, who everybody else needs,
but you don't know how you areor who you are, this is your
wake up call, friend.
Now, next episode, we're goingto bring the chaos and the charm
and we're going to talk aboutthat young child energy, how
(21:39):
being the baby gives you fun,freedom and maybe a few blind
spots as well.
I'll catch you on the next one.
Thanks so much for being here.
Okay, bye, thank you.
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