June 30, 2025 • 20 mins
Were you the only child who was “so mature for your age”—but never really got to be a kid? In this episode, we dive into what it’s really like growing up without siblings and how that shapes your identity, relationships, and emotional habits as an adult.
Drawing from birth order psychology and Family Systems Theory, we explore how only children miss the sibling subsystem—your first environment for social learning—and what happens when you become the emotional container for your entire family. From hyper-independence to emotional overload, this one’s for every adult who grew up as a one-person support team.
👉 Ask me a question or suggest a topic hello@kaylareilly.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
only children are weird.
They're just weird.
I'm sorry, if this is you, it'sokay.
I'm weird too and I reallybelieve in embracing your
weirdness, right, like, don'tlet anybody dull your sparkle.
My friends, I am a weird birdand I like it that way and it's
(00:24):
taken me a long time to be okaywith that.
But I really really do thinkthat middle children are weird
and it's because you never gotthe opportunity to experience
the sibling subsystem.
We're going to talk about thata little later, about how family
(00:46):
systems theory kind ofconceptualizes systems and
subsystems within a family andwhat they do for us in terms of
figuring out boundaries andfiguring out how to navigate
social situations.
But long story short, I thinkthere are two groups of people I
hope I don't get hate mail forthis I think there are two
(01:07):
groups of people in the worldthat are just weird Homeschooled
children and only children.
I'm sorry, I'm a therapist.
It's just what I've noticedover a decade of seeing clients
and probably over 15 years ofstudying, and it's just my
(01:28):
opinion.
You know, it's just my opinionand nowadays we're all way too
scared to share opinions becauseyou're going to hurt somebody's
feelings and look, you canchoose whether or not to take
offense and that's a whole otherepisode, isn't it?
But there's a reason why thesaying is don't take offense,
(01:49):
because you literally have totake it.
And if you take offense, youcan go ahead and email me at
hello, at KaylaRileycom, andI'll probably be super anxious
and feel terrible for thesestatements that I just said,
because I am an eldest child andI tend to be a people pleaser.
Okay, so here we go, we arediving into it.
This is the last episode in thebirth order series.
(02:13):
I decided to do this because Ijust am noticing the different
dynamics of my eldest child,miles, and my youngest child,
margo.
They're three and one, and I'vehad a lot of fun doing these.
I hope that they've built someinsight, and not only that, but
as I've been writing them andrecording them, I've recognized
(02:36):
how much of an impact they'vehad on my life.
For example, my dad was theoldest, my mom was the youngest
of three, my husband is theyoungest of four.
You know what I mean.
Like, my best friend is an onlychild, that's right, I said it
(02:58):
and she has challenges withsocial stuff, and we've gotten
into a couple arguments and Irecognize now, as I look back on
it.
A lot of this is probablybecause she didn't have a
sibling to tell her that certainthings hurt their feelings.
Okay, without further ado andme blabbering about what I think
is weird, let's jump into it.
(03:21):
This is the episode about birthorder and how being an only
child impacts you.
Being an only child is likegrowing up on stage with no
scene partners.
There's no sibling rivalry, butthere's also no built-in
(03:43):
teammate.
You've got all the attention,with all the pressure that comes
with that.
You are, or were, the goldenchild forever.
You're the plus one to adultdinner parties and you are also
probably the emotionally supportanimal for your parents, even
(04:04):
if no one called it that.
That's what you were.
So you weren't just a kid.
You were like a small adultwith big feelings and no one
your size to process them with,and that's not great, because
you really weren't a small adult.
You were treated that way, butthat's not who you were
psychologically adult.
(04:27):
You were treated that way, butthat's not who you were
psychologically.
So the research says this.
First, I want to talk about whatis family systems theory.
Family systems theory wasdeveloped by a psychologist
named Mnuchin, and I honestlydon't know his first name.
I just always called himMnuchin, anyways.
So in family systems theory,families are made.
(04:49):
A family is a system, right,it's a unit.
And then in the bigger world,right, like, you're in your
community, you're in your state,you're in your country, but a
family is its own little unitand within a family there are
subsystems.
So little systems within thefamily system, yeah, all right.
(05:13):
So when I am talking about this, I want you to picture circles,
because this is how I describeit when I'm talking to clients
or working with clients.
So I draw a circle and I saythis is your family and I write
mom and dad and I circle theirnames within the big circle.
So you got a big circle.
And then you got mom and dad intheir own little circle within
(05:35):
the big circle.
You get it All right.
So that is the spousal subsystemaccording to Mnuchin and family
systems theory, and the spousalsubsystem is its own little
unit.
It's got its own little desiresand quirks and little jokes and
(05:57):
mannerisms.
And then mom and dad make ababy and the baby is within the
big circle, but they're not inthe parental subsystem, or they
shouldn't be.
The parental subsystem shouldbe set apart from the child so
(06:17):
that the child can be a childand the parents can be parents
connected together.
Yeah, so then there are otherlittle subsystems like the
parent-child, right.
Like, my relationship withMiles is very unique and
different from Miles'relationship with his dad, as it
should be.
And my relationship with Robertas a married couple is very
(06:43):
different than the relationshipbetween me and my son.
Me and my husband have adifferent relationship than me
and my son Duh.
Okay, you get it.
So the one, the subsystem Ithink that doesn't get enough
airtime it's not talked aboutenough is the sibling subsystem,
(07:03):
this sibling unit.
So let's say, you have a baby,the baby's not in the spousal
subsystem, but they're still inthe family system.
Then you have another baby andthen the siblings become their
own subsystem, right?
So you got the big circle, andin the big circle, mom and dad
in their own circle and thenbrother, sister, or brother,
(07:24):
brother or sister, sister orwhatever, in their own circle.
Right Now, this sibling unit isa child's first arena for
social emotional development.
It's where the children learnhow to negotiate, how to share
space and attention, how totolerate conflict without being
(07:46):
exiled from the kingdom, aka theliving room.
It's how they learn toco-regulate with someone who's
on your developmental level,even if they're a couple years
between you.
This is why, when you havesiblings that are like a decade
or 15 years apart, how they justdon't have the same kind of
(08:12):
sibling dynamics or relationshipas children who are five years
apart or two years apart orthree years apart.
I'm hoping this is making senseto you guys.
So if you're an only child, youskip the sibling subsystem
entirely, and without a siblingsubsystem, the only system that
(08:34):
you have to model your socialskills after and your identity
after are adults.
So you're thrown into the adultworld from day one and that can
mean you're verbally advanced,right, you maybe learn to
(08:54):
entertain yourself, but you'realso missing the reps in basic
social development stuff likesetting boundaries with peers or
managing sibling level chaos.
I'll give you an example Mileswill straight up push his sister
down and grab the toy out ofher hand and run into his room
(09:17):
and slam the door in her face.
Will he do that to me?
I was about to say no, but thehonest answer is yes, he would
try, but the answer is nobecause he can't grab something
out of my hand.
Good luck, I'm bigger than you.
He can't push me down, goodluck, I'm bigger than you.
He can't push me down, goodluck, I'm bigger than you.
He can certainly try andthere's just a different vibe.
(09:40):
There's a different energeticvibe and the likelihood of me
going and taking his favoritetoy from him because I want to
play with it is nil.
I have no interest in going tograb Chase's car from him.
I don't want to play with Rebeland Chase and Marshall and Sky.
(10:02):
I don't want to.
You can keep your Paw Patrolcars to yourself, but my
daughter very much wants to playwith that little chase car.
Is this making sense to y'all?
How different it is?
Now a lot of people say like ohwell, you know, I had my best
friend around all the time, ormy cousins all the time.
(10:24):
Sorry, different, different,different.
A sibling is somebody that'swith you 24-7.
It doesn't have to mean sharedblood, but a sibling is a child
that is with you day-to-day,24-7.
Like I know, I get it.
Y'all go to school, y'all go todaycare.
You're separate sometimes, butyou're living day in and day out
(10:47):
with this person.
I don't care if you have anonly child and your only child
hangs out with their best friendtwo hours every single day of
their life outside of school.
That's still not the same thingas having a sibling, it's just
not.
So let's get back to talkingabout this only child.
(11:08):
So you didn't grow up withsomeone.
You grew up watched by someone.
Right Like, I'm not beingraised with my son, I'm watching
him, I'm raising him, I amobserving him.
(11:28):
I'm not growing up with him.
In some ways I am.
If you want to talk, you know Idigress In emotionally immature
families.
If you were raised in animmature family emotionally
immature, and this could be oneof your parents abandoned the
(11:48):
other parent.
This could be alcoholism, thiscould be mental health disorders
.
This could be whatever it mightbe.
If you were raised by anemotionally immature family and
you were an only child, theadult attention probably wasn't
always nurturing.
It might've gotten judgmental,manipulative or enmeshed.
(12:10):
And when we say enmeshment astherapists, we mean treating you
like an adult.
And let me tell you somethingonly children are much more
likely to be enmeshed with aparent or parentified.
So AKA bad boundaries, beingtreated like an adult because
(12:32):
you're not an adult, but you'remuch more likely to be treated
like an adult if you're aneldest child or if you're an
only child.
Okay.
So let's talk about thepressure that that brings you,
with no one else to share thespotlight or the stress Only.
(12:53):
Children often become like theachiever, the family
representative, the emotionalprocessor for their parents.
You might have been told youwere really mature for your age.
But maturity without support isparentification dressed in a
compliment.
People, parentification isbeing treated like an adult.
(13:16):
When you're a child that's whatit is.
So your little self, yourlittle undeveloped childhood
self, just couldn't handle it.
It's like putting a puppy.
It's like putting a weight veston a puppy.
You're probably going to harmtheir bone development because
they're just not made developed.
(13:39):
They're not ready for theamount of weight to carry in
that amount of weight all thetime.
Does that make sense?
That's a weird metaphor, but Ikind of dig it.
Okay, so you learn very early tosuppress your needs, to
internalize your parents' moodsand to measure your worth in
(13:59):
performance.
When you're the only child, youbecome the container for every
damn thing.
There's no one else to sharethe weight.
So the way this might show upfor you in adulthood, this might
show up for you in adulthood Inrelationships.
(14:20):
You might crave connection butfear needing someone.
You feel safer doing thingsalone.
But you're also lonely.
When you do things alone youmight emotionally over-function
or attract partners whounder-function, who kind of
force you subconsciously to bein that emotionally
over-functioning role.
At work you're often like superindependent, you're driven,
(14:42):
you're self-sufficient.
But delegation feels like setup for disappointment, right
Like.
You really have a hard timedelegating and group projects
are probably slightlytraumatizing for you.
Honestly, having to share andgive not just the work but the
(15:06):
spotlight and the outcome to putthat in someone else's hands
just feels like probably to you,because it's uncomfortable.
It's not your MO.
Now, with family, your familyof origin, you're the default
good one, right Boundariesprobably to you feel like
(15:28):
disloyalty towards your parentsand you probably carry 100% of
the family legacy and the familydrama.
Like mom's not just calling youknow sister, brother and you
telling her about, telling themabout her divorce.
She's only calling you becauseyou don't have sister and
(15:50):
brother.
So you're having to carry 100%of the weight of the family
drama.
Now let's talk about signs thatyou're still carrying this only
child script, that you mightneed some healing from this role
.
One is you resist asking forhelp, even when you're drowning.
(16:13):
Another one is you struggle totrust others to follow through.
You often feel more mature thanyour peers, so you don't
exactly connect with your peers.
You feel older, but also you'reemotionally exhausted and you
equate being needed with beingvaluable.
(16:34):
So you were always told youwere like, so independent, but
were you ever allowed to beneedy?
Now, if you need I say if youneed you obviously need, but if
you want to soften and learn howto receive, healing means
realizing that you don't have tolive life solo anymore.
(16:57):
Now what I want you to do is Iwant you to try to notice where
do you over-function and askyourself is this actually mine
to carry?
I want you to think aboutletting people in, even if they
don't do things your way in,even if they don't do things
your way, and you can obviouslystart these things very, very
(17:21):
small.
Let someone bring you coffee,let a coworker cover one of your
shifts, let your partner makeyou dinner without you
correcting or criticizing them.
Right Like keep your mouth shut.
Keep your mouth shut whensomeone else does something for
you.
You don't want to punish themfor participating and showing up
(17:45):
for you.
Now remember you are worthy ofcare, even if you didn't earn it
, if you didn't do anything allday and your partner makes you
dinner, you're still worthy.
It's okay.
You don't have to do anythingto earn that love.
Here's an affirmation or amantra for you I am not
responsible for everything.
(18:06):
I am allowed to rest, receiveand be supported.
Write that somewhere, type itin a notes app and screenshot it
and make it the background ofyour phone.
Whatever you need to do, thatis your mantra for the week, for
the month, for whenever.
However long I am notresponsible for everything, I'm
allowed to rest, receive and besupported.
(18:31):
So being an only child shapedyour independence, your voice
and maybe your vocabulary, butit also left you with some gaps,
some really important gaps, andyou're allowed to unlearn this
hyper-responsibility.
You're allowed to ask for help.
You don't have to carry all theemotional weight of your entire
family anymore.
(18:51):
You can choose to haveboundaries, and that's okay.
Now, that is a big old wrapy'all.
That's a wrap on our birthorder series.
Whether you're the eldest CEO,you're the invisible middle,
you're the charming youngest orthe solo star, just know that
(19:13):
the role that you had in yourfamily of origin shaped you,
created some strengths, but alsosome defenses that may or may
not serve you anymore, and thatit is possible and okay for you
to break out of that role.
Start to unwire those defensesand find a different way of
(19:35):
being in relationship and beingwith your family of origin,
because your childhood may haveshaped you, but you get to
decide who you are now.
Thank you so much for joining.
If you didn't listen to theothers, hop on over there and
grab those and I will see younext week.
Hopefully we'll get a cooltopic.
If you have a suggestion for atopic or a question, you can
(19:59):
always email me at hello atKayla Riley dot com.
All right, I'll see you nextMonday, okay, bye.
only children are weird.
They're just weird.
I'm sorry, if this is you, it'sokay.
I'm weird too and I reallybelieve in embracing your
weirdness, right, like, don'tlet anybody dull your sparkle.
My friends, I am a weird birdand I like it that way and it's
(00:24):
taken me a long time to be okaywith that.
But I really really do thinkthat middle children are weird
and it's because you never gotthe opportunity to experience
the sibling subsystem.
We're going to talk about thata little later, about how family
(00:46):
systems theory kind ofconceptualizes systems and
subsystems within a family andwhat they do for us in terms of
figuring out boundaries andfiguring out how to navigate
social situations.
But long story short, I thinkthere are two groups of people I
hope I don't get hate mail forthis I think there are two
(01:07):
groups of people in the worldthat are just weird Homeschooled
children and only children.
I'm sorry, I'm a therapist.
It's just what I've noticedover a decade of seeing clients
and probably over 15 years ofstudying, and it's just my
(01:28):
opinion.
You know, it's just my opinionand nowadays we're all way too
scared to share opinions becauseyou're going to hurt somebody's
feelings and look, you canchoose whether or not to take
offense and that's a whole otherepisode, isn't it?
But there's a reason why thesaying is don't take offense,
(01:49):
because you literally have totake it.
And if you take offense, youcan go ahead and email me at
hello, at KaylaRileycom, andI'll probably be super anxious
and feel terrible for thesestatements that I just said,
because I am an eldest child andI tend to be a people pleaser.
Okay, so here we go, we arediving into it.
This is the last episode in thebirth order series.
(02:13):
I decided to do this because Ijust am noticing the different
dynamics of my eldest child,miles, and my youngest child,
margo.
They're three and one, and I'vehad a lot of fun doing these.
I hope that they've built someinsight, and not only that, but
as I've been writing them andrecording them, I've recognized
(02:36):
how much of an impact they'vehad on my life.
For example, my dad was theoldest, my mom was the youngest
of three, my husband is theyoungest of four.
You know what I mean.
Like, my best friend is an onlychild, that's right, I said it
(02:58):
and she has challenges withsocial stuff, and we've gotten
into a couple arguments and Irecognize now, as I look back on
it.
A lot of this is probablybecause she didn't have a
sibling to tell her that certainthings hurt their feelings.
Okay, without further ado andme blabbering about what I think
is weird, let's jump into it.
(03:21):
This is the episode about birthorder and how being an only
child impacts you.
Being an only child is likegrowing up on stage with no
scene partners.
There's no sibling rivalry, butthere's also no built-in
(03:43):
teammate.
You've got all the attention,with all the pressure that comes
with that.
You are, or were, the goldenchild forever.
You're the plus one to adultdinner parties and you are also
probably the emotionally supportanimal for your parents, even
(04:04):
if no one called it that.
That's what you were.
So you weren't just a kid.
You were like a small adultwith big feelings and no one
your size to process them with,and that's not great, because
you really weren't a small adult.
You were treated that way, butthat's not who you were
psychologically adult.
(04:27):
You were treated that way, butthat's not who you were
psychologically.
So the research says this.
First, I want to talk about whatis family systems theory.
Family systems theory wasdeveloped by a psychologist
named Mnuchin, and I honestlydon't know his first name.
I just always called himMnuchin, anyways.
So in family systems theory,families are made.
(04:49):
A family is a system, right,it's a unit.
And then in the bigger world,right, like, you're in your
community, you're in your state,you're in your country, but a
family is its own little unitand within a family there are
subsystems.
So little systems within thefamily system, yeah, all right.
(05:13):
So when I am talking about this, I want you to picture circles,
because this is how I describeit when I'm talking to clients
or working with clients.
So I draw a circle and I saythis is your family and I write
mom and dad and I circle theirnames within the big circle.
So you got a big circle.
And then you got mom and dad intheir own little circle within
(05:35):
the big circle.
You get it All right.
So that is the spousal subsystemaccording to Mnuchin and family
systems theory, and the spousalsubsystem is its own little
unit.
It's got its own little desiresand quirks and little jokes and
(05:57):
mannerisms.
And then mom and dad make ababy and the baby is within the
big circle, but they're not inthe parental subsystem, or they
shouldn't be.
The parental subsystem shouldbe set apart from the child so
(06:17):
that the child can be a childand the parents can be parents
connected together.
Yeah, so then there are otherlittle subsystems like the
parent-child, right.
Like, my relationship withMiles is very unique and
different from Miles'relationship with his dad, as it
should be.
And my relationship with Robertas a married couple is very
(06:43):
different than the relationshipbetween me and my son.
Me and my husband have adifferent relationship than me
and my son Duh.
Okay, you get it.
So the one, the subsystem Ithink that doesn't get enough
airtime it's not talked aboutenough is the sibling subsystem,
(07:03):
this sibling unit.
So let's say, you have a baby,the baby's not in the spousal
subsystem, but they're still inthe family system.
Then you have another baby andthen the siblings become their
own subsystem, right?
So you got the big circle, andin the big circle, mom and dad
in their own circle and thenbrother, sister, or brother,
(07:24):
brother or sister, sister orwhatever, in their own circle.
Right Now, this sibling unit isa child's first arena for
social emotional development.
It's where the children learnhow to negotiate, how to share
space and attention, how totolerate conflict without being
(07:46):
exiled from the kingdom, aka theliving room.
It's how they learn toco-regulate with someone who's
on your developmental level,even if they're a couple years
between you.
This is why, when you havesiblings that are like a decade
or 15 years apart, how they justdon't have the same kind of
(08:12):
sibling dynamics or relationshipas children who are five years
apart or two years apart orthree years apart.
I'm hoping this is making senseto you guys.
So if you're an only child, youskip the sibling subsystem
entirely, and without a siblingsubsystem, the only system that
(08:34):
you have to model your socialskills after and your identity
after are adults.
So you're thrown into the adultworld from day one and that can
mean you're verbally advanced,right, you maybe learn to
(08:54):
entertain yourself, but you'realso missing the reps in basic
social development stuff likesetting boundaries with peers or
managing sibling level chaos.
I'll give you an example Mileswill straight up push his sister
down and grab the toy out ofher hand and run into his room
(09:17):
and slam the door in her face.
Will he do that to me?
I was about to say no, but thehonest answer is yes, he would
try, but the answer is nobecause he can't grab something
out of my hand.
Good luck, I'm bigger than you.
He can't push me down, goodluck, I'm bigger than you.
He can't push me down, goodluck, I'm bigger than you.
He can certainly try andthere's just a different vibe.
(09:40):
There's a different energeticvibe and the likelihood of me
going and taking his favoritetoy from him because I want to
play with it is nil.
I have no interest in going tograb Chase's car from him.
I don't want to play with Rebeland Chase and Marshall and Sky.
(10:02):
I don't want to.
You can keep your Paw Patrolcars to yourself, but my
daughter very much wants to playwith that little chase car.
Is this making sense to y'all?
How different it is?
Now a lot of people say like ohwell, you know, I had my best
friend around all the time, ormy cousins all the time.
(10:24):
Sorry, different, different,different.
A sibling is somebody that'swith you 24-7.
It doesn't have to mean sharedblood, but a sibling is a child
that is with you day-to-day,24-7.
Like I know, I get it.
Y'all go to school, y'all go todaycare.
You're separate sometimes, butyou're living day in and day out
(10:47):
with this person.
I don't care if you have anonly child and your only child
hangs out with their best friendtwo hours every single day of
their life outside of school.
That's still not the same thingas having a sibling, it's just
not.
So let's get back to talkingabout this only child.
(11:08):
So you didn't grow up withsomeone.
You grew up watched by someone.
Right Like, I'm not beingraised with my son, I'm watching
him, I'm raising him, I amobserving him.
(11:28):
I'm not growing up with him.
In some ways I am.
If you want to talk, you know Idigress In emotionally immature
families.
If you were raised in animmature family emotionally
immature, and this could be oneof your parents abandoned the
(11:48):
other parent.
This could be alcoholism, thiscould be mental health disorders
.
This could be whatever it mightbe.
If you were raised by anemotionally immature family and
you were an only child, theadult attention probably wasn't
always nurturing.
It might've gotten judgmental,manipulative or enmeshed.
(12:10):
And when we say enmeshment astherapists, we mean treating you
like an adult.
And let me tell you somethingonly children are much more
likely to be enmeshed with aparent or parentified.
So AKA bad boundaries, beingtreated like an adult because
(12:32):
you're not an adult, but you'remuch more likely to be treated
like an adult if you're aneldest child or if you're an
only child.
Okay.
So let's talk about thepressure that that brings you,
with no one else to share thespotlight or the stress Only.
(12:53):
Children often become like theachiever, the family
representative, the emotionalprocessor for their parents.
You might have been told youwere really mature for your age.
But maturity without support isparentification dressed in a
compliment.
People, parentification isbeing treated like an adult.
(13:16):
When you're a child that's whatit is.
So your little self, yourlittle undeveloped childhood
self, just couldn't handle it.
It's like putting a puppy.
It's like putting a weight veston a puppy.
You're probably going to harmtheir bone development because
they're just not made developed.
(13:39):
They're not ready for theamount of weight to carry in
that amount of weight all thetime.
Does that make sense?
That's a weird metaphor, but Ikind of dig it.
Okay, so you learn very early tosuppress your needs, to
internalize your parents' moodsand to measure your worth in
(13:59):
performance.
When you're the only child, youbecome the container for every
damn thing.
There's no one else to sharethe weight.
So the way this might show upfor you in adulthood, this might
show up for you in adulthood Inrelationships.
(14:20):
You might crave connection butfear needing someone.
You feel safer doing thingsalone.
But you're also lonely.
When you do things alone youmight emotionally over-function
or attract partners whounder-function, who kind of
force you subconsciously to bein that emotionally
over-functioning role.
At work you're often like superindependent, you're driven,
(14:42):
you're self-sufficient.
But delegation feels like setup for disappointment, right
Like.
You really have a hard timedelegating and group projects
are probably slightlytraumatizing for you.
Honestly, having to share andgive not just the work but the
(15:06):
spotlight and the outcome to putthat in someone else's hands
just feels like probably to you,because it's uncomfortable.
It's not your MO.
Now, with family, your familyof origin, you're the default
good one, right Boundariesprobably to you feel like
(15:28):
disloyalty towards your parentsand you probably carry 100% of
the family legacy and the familydrama.
Like mom's not just calling youknow sister, brother and you
telling her about, telling themabout her divorce.
She's only calling you becauseyou don't have sister and
(15:50):
brother.
So you're having to carry 100%of the weight of the family
drama.
Now let's talk about signs thatyou're still carrying this only
child script, that you mightneed some healing from this role
.
One is you resist asking forhelp, even when you're drowning.
(16:13):
Another one is you struggle totrust others to follow through.
You often feel more mature thanyour peers, so you don't
exactly connect with your peers.
You feel older, but also you'reemotionally exhausted and you
equate being needed with beingvaluable.
(16:34):
So you were always told youwere like, so independent, but
were you ever allowed to beneedy?
Now, if you need I say if youneed you obviously need, but if
you want to soften and learn howto receive, healing means
realizing that you don't have tolive life solo anymore.
(16:57):
Now what I want you to do is Iwant you to try to notice where
do you over-function and askyourself is this actually mine
to carry?
I want you to think aboutletting people in, even if they
don't do things your way in,even if they don't do things
your way, and you can obviouslystart these things very, very
(17:21):
small.
Let someone bring you coffee,let a coworker cover one of your
shifts, let your partner makeyou dinner without you
correcting or criticizing them.
Right Like keep your mouth shut.
Keep your mouth shut whensomeone else does something for
you.
You don't want to punish themfor participating and showing up
(17:45):
for you.
Now remember you are worthy ofcare, even if you didn't earn it
, if you didn't do anything allday and your partner makes you
dinner, you're still worthy.
It's okay.
You don't have to do anythingto earn that love.
Here's an affirmation or amantra for you I am not
responsible for everything.
(18:06):
I am allowed to rest, receiveand be supported.
Write that somewhere, type itin a notes app and screenshot it
and make it the background ofyour phone.
Whatever you need to do, thatis your mantra for the week, for
the month, for whenever.
However long I am notresponsible for everything, I'm
allowed to rest, receive and besupported.
(18:31):
So being an only child shapedyour independence, your voice
and maybe your vocabulary, butit also left you with some gaps,
some really important gaps, andyou're allowed to unlearn this
hyper-responsibility.
You're allowed to ask for help.
You don't have to carry all theemotional weight of your entire
family anymore.
(18:51):
You can choose to haveboundaries, and that's okay.
Now, that is a big old wrapy'all.
That's a wrap on our birthorder series.
Whether you're the eldest CEO,you're the invisible middle,
you're the charming youngest orthe solo star, just know that
(19:13):
the role that you had in yourfamily of origin shaped you,
created some strengths, but alsosome defenses that may or may
not serve you anymore, and thatit is possible and okay for you
to break out of that role.
Start to unwire those defensesand find a different way of
(19:35):
being in relationship and beingwith your family of origin,
because your childhood may haveshaped you, but you get to
decide who you are now.
Thank you so much for joining.
If you didn't listen to theothers, hop on over there and
grab those and I will see younext week.
Hopefully we'll get a cooltopic.
If you have a suggestion for atopic or a question, you can
(19:59):
always email me at hello atKayla Riley dot com.
All right, I'll see you nextMonday, okay, bye.
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