July 28, 2025 • 17 mins
The word "boundaries" has become such a buzzword that many people throw it around without truly understanding what it means. But what exactly are boundaries, and why do so many of us struggle to set them effectively?
Boundaries aren't about controlling others—they're guidelines for what you will and won't allow in your life. The key distinction lies in taking responsibility for yourself rather than trying to change someone else's behavior. A true boundary consists of identifying unacceptable behavior and determining what YOU will do if that boundary isn't respected.
For those raised with messaging about always being nice, avoiding conflict, or putting others first, boundary-setting feels nearly impossible. Family systems that reward people-pleasing, religious teachings about self-sacrifice, or witnessing parental martyrdom create powerful barriers to establishing healthy limits. Without these boundaries, chronic resentment festers, burnout becomes inevitable, and a confused sense of identity emerges—especially in enmeshed family systems.
Through practical examples—from managing intrusive conversations with parents to creating decompression time after work—this episode provides concrete strategies for implementing boundaries in everyday life. The guilt that initially accompanies boundary-setting is normal, comparable to the discomfort of learning any new skill. By starting small, being consistent, and using supportive mantras like "Discomfort is not danger" and "Boundaries create safety, not separation," you can build momentum toward a more balanced, self-respecting life.
Ready to stop leaking energy because you're afraid to set limits? This episode walks you through a simple journaling exercise to identify where boundaries are needed most, and offers a step-by-step approach to practicing this essential self-care skill. Because ultimately, a well-boundaried you is better for everyone in your life—whether they realize it or not.
👉 Ask me a question or suggest a topic hello@kaylareilly.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
I think that the word boundaries has become a
buzzword and that people don'tactually know what it means.
How many times have you heardpeople on television shows or
your family and your friends say, oh, you need to set better
boundaries.
Or oh, you're not very goodwith boundaries.
Or wow, she's really steppingover your boundaries.
What does it mean and how doyou set them, especially if
(00:25):
you're somebody who has a hardtime setting them in the first
place?
Let's talk about it today.
We're gonna have some fun.
This is gonna be a quick,hitting episode and I hope you
like it.
I like this topic.
Okay, let's go.
Hey there, and welcome to Notyour Therapist the no BS podcast
, where I ditch the therapycouch and get real about life,
(00:47):
love, work and all the messyin-betweens.
I'm Kayla Riley, a licensedtherapist and founder of a group
practice that now runs withoutme, giving me freedom to spend
more time with my littles and toshare the secrets of wellness
I've learned with people likeyou.
This isn't therapy.
It's your go-to for real talk,practical tips and the
(01:10):
occasional truth bomb to helpyou thrive.
And, the best part no diagnosis, no insurance company
constraints.
I get to take off the whitegloves and tell it like it is,
because I'm not your therapist.
If you're ready to break freefrom unhealthy patterns,
navigate the messiness of lifewith more ease and uncover the
(01:30):
magic in your everyday moments,you're in the right place.
Welcome to your healing era.
Friends, let's do this.
What are boundaries really?
Boundaries are guidelines forwhat you will and will not allow
into your life.
So it's not about controllingother people, which I think is a
(01:51):
big trap for a lot of people.
It's about takingresponsibility for yourself.
So think I won't continue thisconversation if you raise your
voice at me versus you need tostop yelling.
You need to stop yelling is nota boundary, it's trying to
control somebody else.
I want to clarify that.
(02:12):
So, so, so deeply.
I think that you can check inwith yourself too, like, when
you're saying a boundary,there's two important parts the
what and then the consequence,right?
So what is it you will and willnot tolerate, and what are you
going to do about it if somebodydoesn't respect that?
That's really the two big partsof boundaries.
(02:33):
So I think you can check inwith your intention to like am I
trying to change this person orcontrol this person's behavior,
or am I just shutting the dooron a behavior that I will not
tolerate.
Big difference, okay.
So this feels so dang hard to alot of people, especially if you
were raised by a family and themessages, whether they were
(02:57):
implicit or explicit, if thelittle messages by your culture
and your family were good, girls, don't say no or don't upset
your father, or be nice.
Don't you want to be nice?
So people pleasing is ahumongous part of this.
If you are living your lifeaccording to how other people
(03:19):
see you, or being liked or beingaccepted by other people, and
you have a fear of rejection, afear of not fitting in, a fear
of lack of acceptance, then youmight have a really hard time
setting boundaries.
Emotional incest, like my lastepisode if you haven't listened
to it, go check it out.
But if your parents had anykind of emotional incest or they
(03:40):
parentified you in any way,then you were trained to live
for meeting other people's needs.
Other people are first right andI think there's a lot of
confusion about what's nice,what is nice and kindness.
You know what's kindness.
Like Brené Brown says, clear iskind when we are clear.
I will not accept this kind ofbehavior.
(04:02):
I will not tolerate this kindof disrespect.
That's clear and kind.
Being nice is not like givingin to somebody, even though you
resent them and don't like them,and they're hurting your
feelings.
But you're doing, you're notsaying anything, you're not
setting a clear boundary.
That's not being kind, that'savoiding a hard conversation,
(04:23):
okay.
Another reason why settingboundaries might feel hard for
you is that you were taught thatlove means self-sacrifice.
I see this a lot in people whoare raised in religious families
, particularly Catholicism.
This idea I see this a lot toowith unhealthy mothers.
(04:43):
So if your mother raised you ina way of like I do everything
for you, I don't even go to mydoctor, get myself new clothes
and like, this idea of likeself-sacrifice is healthy and
loving no, it's not.
No, it's not.
And to those mothers who raisetheir kids that way Get over
(05:04):
yourself and get it together andgo get a therapist, because
doing for others to the pointwhere you're depleting yourself
is just teaching your kids badboundaries.
It's not healthy.
It is healthy to say to yourkids I love you, but I need
space from you right now.
I need some space.
Right Like I'm overstimulated.
This is a lot.
(05:25):
I need space.
Or I need a date night, or Ineed a girl's night or I need
some alone time.
All of that is healthy anddemonstrating healthy boundaries
.
Okay.
So what happens withoutboundaries?
I already mentioned it chronicresentment.
So if you're giving in oryou're not setting limits, you
are going to resent other peopleand you might resent yourself.
(05:47):
And it might be low key andsubconscious, like under the
conscious awareness, but it'sthere Also.
Burnout, holy moly.
If you are giving and givingand giving and giving to your
kids, to your parents, to yourfamily, to your clients, to your
husband, to your friends, toyour family, to your wife,
whatever, and you're constantlygiving and giving and giving,
(06:09):
you're going to burn out, and Ithink I did an episode on this
earlier, so go check it out.
But burnout is more than justoh, I'm sick of this.
It's like a depletion ofdopamine and serotonin and it's
like overwhelming cortisol inyour body and you might actually
need a good detox.
You can't just snap out of thatIdentity.
(06:32):
Confusion can also be a part ofthis.
If you're not settingboundaries with others, it's
hard to see what's me and what'sthem.
I see this a lot in families ofalcoholism and addiction.
There's so much enmeshment thatit's unclear like what do you
like?
What do you think?
So those are your family'svalues, but what are your values
(06:54):
, right?
Those are signs that you do nothave good boundaries.
And those are the results,right, the consequences.
Now let's talk about settingboundaries in real life, with
examples.
I'm going to give you someexamples of what boundaries are.
Now, I said earlier, a boundaryis what behavior am I not going
(07:16):
to tolerate and what am I goingto do about it?
So the trap that I see a lot ofpeople fall into is setting a
boundary and then waiting forthe other person to respect it.
Guess what?
That's not going to happen.
The only person that'sresponsible for respecting the
boundary is you.
People might choose to respectit, people might choose not to
(07:39):
respect it, but ultimately, onlyyou are responsible for
upholding that boundary.
So, for example, let's say myparents always talk crap about
my sister and every time I'm onthe phone, they start talking to
me about my sister and worryabout my sister.
What are we going to do aboutmy sister?
I might say something like hey,I'm not willing to talk about
(08:01):
my sister, I'm not willing totalk about my sister's life
choices.
She's made choices, that's.
That's.
We're not going to talk aboutthat, right, boom, now there
needs to be an or what, or I getoff the phone and this could be
.
You can say that to the otherperson, or you could just keep
it to yourself.
(08:21):
You don't have to tell peoplelike, hey, stop asking about I
don't know, stop asking about myrelationship issues with my
husband, or I'm going to hang upon you.
You can just say, please, stopasking about that.
And then, if they keep asking,hang up, right, all right.
So here's another example iswith your partner, maybe, hey,
(08:43):
when I get off work, I need 20minutes to decompress after work
before we hop into like thefamily life and chit, chatting
and cooking dinner and all thatstuff.
Like I need 20 minutes of space.
So with work, maybe it's hey,I'm no longer going to be
checking my email after 6pm,right?
(09:03):
Or with kids, hey, I would loveto come play with you.
When you ask in a calm voice,and after I cook dinner so
mommy's busy cooking dinner, youcan ask me nicely and I would
love to come play with you.
But it's not going to be rightnow, it's going to be in 20
minutes.
So the guilt that you might feelwhen you're setting boundaries
(09:29):
is normal.
It's a normal part of this, butit's not a sign that you're
doing it wrong or you're doinganything wrong.
Guilt can be a withdrawalsymptom from the identity that
you had as a fixer or a peoplepleaser or a rescuer.
So if your nervous system isused to fawning or taking care
(09:50):
of other people and now you'redoing something totally new,
you're going to have thatinitial sense of like guilt and
anxiety, and what I want you todo is sit with that.
Don't let it be in charge,don't let it boss you around,
don't let it drive the bus.
Right, feelings are.
They should not be in control.
(10:11):
So I want you to sit with thefeeling, allow it to be, take
some breaths, but don't act onit.
Right, and this is what ittakes to reprogram yourself.
When you're learning a new skill, a new mental health skill, a
new physical skill, whatever.
It's always uncomfortable whenyou're learning a new skill
(10:33):
because you're not used to it.
Think about going to the gym.
I'm just thinking about thatbecause I've been going to
personal training.
I'm trying to lose my mamabelly After having two kids.
I've got that nice loose muffintop Lovely and I love to eat.
That's my main problem, likeeven if I go to the gym
consistently, which I have beenfor a while.
(10:55):
I'm bad about that, but I'vebeen going consistently to the
gym.
But I love food.
I love food.
I love ice cream and pizza andFrench fries.
I love trash, but anyways.
So if you're going to the gymand you're not used to going to
the gym and you're doing like Idon't know, like flies or bench
(11:17):
presses, you're going to feelawkward as shit and weird and
uncomfortable.
The first couple times you doit it's weird.
So think of that in comparisonto setting boundaries for the
first time and you're feelingguilty and icky and weird.
It's okay to feel weird.
You're new, right, you are newto this.
This is uncomfortable becauseit's a new experience and you
(11:41):
can get through that, and theonly way to get through that is
to allow it to be and not toresist.
So, for example, if you'relearning to bench press and
you're always drop the weightsand run out of the gym, you're
never going to work through thatuncomfortableness that is
learning that new skill oflifting weights.
Okay, now here are some mantrasthat you can sprinkle in.
(12:05):
You can write them on post-itnotes.
If you're a follower of mine,you know I love a post-it note.
I love a post-it note.
They're all over my desk.
I'm literally looking at themand they're everywhere.
It might actually be a littleugly.
I should probably clean theseup.
But let's go with some somenice post-it note mantras or you
can put them as the backgroundof your phone.
(12:26):
That's a really another.
That's a good other strategythat I use with my clients a lot
.
So here are some good mantrasDiscomfort is not danger.
Discomfort is not danger.
I'm allowed to disappointpeople.
To stay true to myselfboundaries create safety, not
(12:56):
separation.
Boundaries create safety, notseparation.
Okay, so if you're gonna startthis, let's say this is new for
you.
I want you to try this journal.
What's been bothering you, ifyou're feeling drained or
resentful or overextended orwhatever.
I just want you to write down,like what's been happening
lately, what are the behaviorsyou're engaging in where you're
(13:17):
feeling resentful anduncomfortable and drained, or
what are other people saying orasking of you that's draining
you, frustrating you, whatever.
Write that down.
Clarify what is the behavior.
You do not want to use adescription word here, right,
like oh, my husband's beingselfish, not a behavior.
But if my husband is goingsurfing, this is not true, I'm
(13:42):
making this up.
If my husband is going surfingevery Saturday morning and
leaves me with a sink full ofdishes and two children to take
care of and doesn't get homeuntil noon, and then he comes
home and naps, right Like, andI'm feeling resentful about that
, see how I'm defining thebehavior, so, and then I'm going
to clarify what is it that I'mneeding, right, like, I need for
(14:06):
the dishes to be clean and, um,you know, I'm going to give you
your space from nine to 12, andthen I'm going to take space
from 12 to three.
Right, there's a clear boundary, behavioral boundary, not.
Hey, I need you to stop beingselfish.
I think that's a trap A lot ofcouples fall into.
Okay, so when you get thatjournaling done, I want you to
(14:27):
pick one thing.
When you get that journalingdone, I want you to pick one
thing Start very small, clear,kind boundary with someone who's
particularly safe.
I'm not going to go off if I'mpracticing for the first time.
I'm not going to pop off andset an emotional boundary with
somebody who is not a safeperson in my life.
I'm going to pick a smallboundary and go set it with
someone who's loving and caringand wants our relationship to be
(14:51):
better, right, so keep that inmind.
The third rule is using Istatements right, and you got to
follow through.
You got to follow throughconsistently because if you say,
hey, I will not allow you totalk about my sister with me mom
, I'm no longer going to engagein those conversations and then
(15:14):
she sets it.
You know she says it the nextconversation you say, hey, mom,
just a reminder, I'm not goingto talk about my sister.
And then the next time shecalls you, do talk about your
sister.
And then the next time shecalls you, just try to set the
boundary again.
It's very important that youfollow through with your
boundary consistently.
So I'm asking you this,listener where in your life are
(15:39):
you leaking energy becauseyou're afraid to set a limit?
Think about that for a second.
I hope this has been helpfulfor you.
Go, journal down what'sbothering you, even if it's on a
random little piece of papersomewhere in your car.
Start small, start practicingthose boundaries.
Don't feel guilt and back out ofthem or give in because you're
(16:01):
a people pleaser.
Start practicing this new skill.
I promise that the more youpractice, the more confident
you're going to get.
And when we behave like we loveourselves and we love ourselves
first and we prioritizeourselves, our belief systems
and our behaviors and everythingelse, it all starts to fall
into place Really, truly.
(16:22):
It's that idea of momentumright.
If we start a ball rolling,once it starts rolling and
rolling and rolling, it's goingto pick up momentum and that's
where mental health stuff reallygoes into effect.
Like that's where change canreally be seen is when you start
utilizing these new skills andyou practice them, and you
practice them, and you practicethem, and then all of a sudden
(16:43):
it starts getting easier.
And then you start practicingthem with people who are a
little bit more challenging andthen all of a sudden, you start
valuing yourself and you startseeing like, hey, it is kind to
take care of myself, it is kindand loving to take care of
myself.
Whether they see it or not,right, a cared for, loving Kayla
is better for everyone in mylife, whether they realize it or
(17:05):
not.
On that note, I'm going to gohave me a nice hot tea and move
on with my day.
So good chatting with you.
Hop on over to my website ifyou want to see other ways to
work with me and I'll catch younext time.
Bye.
I think that the word boundaries has become a
buzzword and that people don'tactually know what it means.
How many times have you heardpeople on television shows or
your family and your friends say, oh, you need to set better
boundaries.
Or oh, you're not very goodwith boundaries.
Or wow, she's really steppingover your boundaries.
What does it mean and how doyou set them, especially if
(00:25):
you're somebody who has a hardtime setting them in the first
place?
Let's talk about it today.
We're gonna have some fun.
This is gonna be a quick,hitting episode and I hope you
like it.
I like this topic.
Okay, let's go.
Hey there, and welcome to Notyour Therapist the no BS podcast
, where I ditch the therapycouch and get real about life,
(00:47):
love, work and all the messyin-betweens.
I'm Kayla Riley, a licensedtherapist and founder of a group
practice that now runs withoutme, giving me freedom to spend
more time with my littles and toshare the secrets of wellness
I've learned with people likeyou.
This isn't therapy.
It's your go-to for real talk,practical tips and the
(01:10):
occasional truth bomb to helpyou thrive.
And, the best part no diagnosis, no insurance company
constraints.
I get to take off the whitegloves and tell it like it is,
because I'm not your therapist.
If you're ready to break freefrom unhealthy patterns,
navigate the messiness of lifewith more ease and uncover the
(01:30):
magic in your everyday moments,you're in the right place.
Welcome to your healing era.
Friends, let's do this.
What are boundaries really?
Boundaries are guidelines forwhat you will and will not allow
into your life.
So it's not about controllingother people, which I think is a
(01:51):
big trap for a lot of people.
It's about takingresponsibility for yourself.
So think I won't continue thisconversation if you raise your
voice at me versus you need tostop yelling.
You need to stop yelling is nota boundary, it's trying to
control somebody else.
I want to clarify that.
(02:12):
So, so, so deeply.
I think that you can check inwith yourself too, like, when
you're saying a boundary,there's two important parts the
what and then the consequence,right?
So what is it you will and willnot tolerate, and what are you
going to do about it if somebodydoesn't respect that?
That's really the two big partsof boundaries.
(02:33):
So I think you can check inwith your intention to like am I
trying to change this person orcontrol this person's behavior,
or am I just shutting the dooron a behavior that I will not
tolerate.
Big difference, okay.
So this feels so dang hard to alot of people, especially if you
were raised by a family and themessages, whether they were
(02:57):
implicit or explicit, if thelittle messages by your culture
and your family were good, girls, don't say no or don't upset
your father, or be nice.
Don't you want to be nice?
So people pleasing is ahumongous part of this.
If you are living your lifeaccording to how other people
(03:19):
see you, or being liked or beingaccepted by other people, and
you have a fear of rejection, afear of not fitting in, a fear
of lack of acceptance, then youmight have a really hard time
setting boundaries.
Emotional incest, like my lastepisode if you haven't listened
to it, go check it out.
But if your parents had anykind of emotional incest or they
(03:40):
parentified you in any way,then you were trained to live
for meeting other people's needs.
Other people are first right andI think there's a lot of
confusion about what's nice,what is nice and kindness.
You know what's kindness.
Like Brené Brown says, clear iskind when we are clear.
I will not accept this kind ofbehavior.
(04:02):
I will not tolerate this kindof disrespect.
That's clear and kind.
Being nice is not like givingin to somebody, even though you
resent them and don't like them,and they're hurting your
feelings.
But you're doing, you're notsaying anything, you're not
setting a clear boundary.
That's not being kind, that'savoiding a hard conversation,
(04:23):
okay.
Another reason why settingboundaries might feel hard for
you is that you were taught thatlove means self-sacrifice.
I see this a lot in people whoare raised in religious families
, particularly Catholicism.
This idea I see this a lot toowith unhealthy mothers.
(04:43):
So if your mother raised you ina way of like I do everything
for you, I don't even go to mydoctor, get myself new clothes
and like, this idea of likeself-sacrifice is healthy and
loving no, it's not.
No, it's not.
And to those mothers who raisetheir kids that way Get over
(05:04):
yourself and get it together andgo get a therapist, because
doing for others to the pointwhere you're depleting yourself
is just teaching your kids badboundaries.
It's not healthy.
It is healthy to say to yourkids I love you, but I need
space from you right now.
I need some space.
Right Like I'm overstimulated.
This is a lot.
(05:25):
I need space.
Or I need a date night, or Ineed a girl's night or I need
some alone time.
All of that is healthy anddemonstrating healthy boundaries
.
Okay.
So what happens withoutboundaries?
I already mentioned it chronicresentment.
So if you're giving in oryou're not setting limits, you
are going to resent other peopleand you might resent yourself.
(05:47):
And it might be low key andsubconscious, like under the
conscious awareness, but it'sthere Also.
Burnout, holy moly.
If you are giving and givingand giving and giving to your
kids, to your parents, to yourfamily, to your clients, to your
husband, to your friends, toyour family, to your wife,
whatever, and you're constantlygiving and giving and giving,
(06:09):
you're going to burn out, and Ithink I did an episode on this
earlier, so go check it out.
But burnout is more than justoh, I'm sick of this.
It's like a depletion ofdopamine and serotonin and it's
like overwhelming cortisol inyour body and you might actually
need a good detox.
You can't just snap out of thatIdentity.
(06:32):
Confusion can also be a part ofthis.
If you're not settingboundaries with others, it's
hard to see what's me and what'sthem.
I see this a lot in families ofalcoholism and addiction.
There's so much enmeshment thatit's unclear like what do you
like?
What do you think?
So those are your family'svalues, but what are your values
(06:54):
, right?
Those are signs that you do nothave good boundaries.
And those are the results,right, the consequences.
Now let's talk about settingboundaries in real life, with
examples.
I'm going to give you someexamples of what boundaries are.
Now, I said earlier, a boundaryis what behavior am I not going
(07:16):
to tolerate and what am I goingto do about it?
So the trap that I see a lot ofpeople fall into is setting a
boundary and then waiting forthe other person to respect it.
Guess what?
That's not going to happen.
The only person that'sresponsible for respecting the
boundary is you.
People might choose to respectit, people might choose not to
(07:39):
respect it, but ultimately, onlyyou are responsible for
upholding that boundary.
So, for example, let's say myparents always talk crap about
my sister and every time I'm onthe phone, they start talking to
me about my sister and worryabout my sister.
What are we going to do aboutmy sister?
I might say something like hey,I'm not willing to talk about
(08:01):
my sister, I'm not willing totalk about my sister's life
choices.
She's made choices, that's.
That's.
We're not going to talk aboutthat, right, boom, now there
needs to be an or what, or I getoff the phone and this could be
.
You can say that to the otherperson, or you could just keep
it to yourself.
(08:21):
You don't have to tell peoplelike, hey, stop asking about I
don't know, stop asking about myrelationship issues with my
husband, or I'm going to hang upon you.
You can just say, please, stopasking about that.
And then, if they keep asking,hang up, right, all right.
So here's another example iswith your partner, maybe, hey,
(08:43):
when I get off work, I need 20minutes to decompress after work
before we hop into like thefamily life and chit, chatting
and cooking dinner and all thatstuff.
Like I need 20 minutes of space.
So with work, maybe it's hey,I'm no longer going to be
checking my email after 6pm,right?
(09:03):
Or with kids, hey, I would loveto come play with you.
When you ask in a calm voice,and after I cook dinner so
mommy's busy cooking dinner, youcan ask me nicely and I would
love to come play with you.
But it's not going to be rightnow, it's going to be in 20
minutes.
So the guilt that you might feelwhen you're setting boundaries
(09:29):
is normal.
It's a normal part of this, butit's not a sign that you're
doing it wrong or you're doinganything wrong.
Guilt can be a withdrawalsymptom from the identity that
you had as a fixer or a peoplepleaser or a rescuer.
So if your nervous system isused to fawning or taking care
(09:50):
of other people and now you'redoing something totally new,
you're going to have thatinitial sense of like guilt and
anxiety, and what I want you todo is sit with that.
Don't let it be in charge,don't let it boss you around,
don't let it drive the bus.
Right, feelings are.
They should not be in control.
(10:11):
So I want you to sit with thefeeling, allow it to be, take
some breaths, but don't act onit.
Right, and this is what ittakes to reprogram yourself.
When you're learning a new skill, a new mental health skill, a
new physical skill, whatever.
It's always uncomfortable whenyou're learning a new skill
(10:33):
because you're not used to it.
Think about going to the gym.
I'm just thinking about thatbecause I've been going to
personal training.
I'm trying to lose my mamabelly After having two kids.
I've got that nice loose muffintop Lovely and I love to eat.
That's my main problem, likeeven if I go to the gym
consistently, which I have beenfor a while.
(10:55):
I'm bad about that, but I'vebeen going consistently to the
gym.
But I love food.
I love food.
I love ice cream and pizza andFrench fries.
I love trash, but anyways.
So if you're going to the gymand you're not used to going to
the gym and you're doing like Idon't know, like flies or bench
(11:17):
presses, you're going to feelawkward as shit and weird and
uncomfortable.
The first couple times you doit it's weird.
So think of that in comparisonto setting boundaries for the
first time and you're feelingguilty and icky and weird.
It's okay to feel weird.
You're new, right, you are newto this.
This is uncomfortable becauseit's a new experience and you
(11:41):
can get through that, and theonly way to get through that is
to allow it to be and not toresist.
So, for example, if you'relearning to bench press and
you're always drop the weightsand run out of the gym, you're
never going to work through thatuncomfortableness that is
learning that new skill oflifting weights.
Okay, now here are some mantrasthat you can sprinkle in.
(12:05):
You can write them on post-itnotes.
If you're a follower of mine,you know I love a post-it note.
I love a post-it note.
They're all over my desk.
I'm literally looking at themand they're everywhere.
It might actually be a littleugly.
I should probably clean theseup.
But let's go with some somenice post-it note mantras or you
can put them as the backgroundof your phone.
(12:26):
That's a really another.
That's a good other strategythat I use with my clients a lot
.
So here are some good mantrasDiscomfort is not danger.
Discomfort is not danger.
I'm allowed to disappointpeople.
To stay true to myselfboundaries create safety, not
(12:56):
separation.
Boundaries create safety, notseparation.
Okay, so if you're gonna startthis, let's say this is new for
you.
I want you to try this journal.
What's been bothering you, ifyou're feeling drained or
resentful or overextended orwhatever.
I just want you to write down,like what's been happening
lately, what are the behaviorsyou're engaging in where you're
(13:17):
feeling resentful anduncomfortable and drained, or
what are other people saying orasking of you that's draining
you, frustrating you, whatever.
Write that down.
Clarify what is the behavior.
You do not want to use adescription word here, right,
like oh, my husband's beingselfish, not a behavior.
But if my husband is goingsurfing, this is not true, I'm
(13:42):
making this up.
If my husband is going surfingevery Saturday morning and
leaves me with a sink full ofdishes and two children to take
care of and doesn't get homeuntil noon, and then he comes
home and naps, right Like, andI'm feeling resentful about that
, see how I'm defining thebehavior, so, and then I'm going
to clarify what is it that I'mneeding, right, like, I need for
(14:06):
the dishes to be clean and, um,you know, I'm going to give you
your space from nine to 12, andthen I'm going to take space
from 12 to three.
Right, there's a clear boundary, behavioral boundary, not.
Hey, I need you to stop beingselfish.
I think that's a trap A lot ofcouples fall into.
Okay, so when you get thatjournaling done, I want you to
(14:27):
pick one thing.
When you get that journalingdone, I want you to pick one
thing Start very small, clear,kind boundary with someone who's
particularly safe.
I'm not going to go off if I'mpracticing for the first time.
I'm not going to pop off andset an emotional boundary with
somebody who is not a safeperson in my life.
I'm going to pick a smallboundary and go set it with
someone who's loving and caringand wants our relationship to be
(14:51):
better, right, so keep that inmind.
The third rule is using Istatements right, and you got to
follow through.
You got to follow throughconsistently because if you say,
hey, I will not allow you totalk about my sister with me mom
, I'm no longer going to engagein those conversations and then
(15:14):
she sets it.
You know she says it the nextconversation you say, hey, mom,
just a reminder, I'm not goingto talk about my sister.
And then the next time shecalls you, do talk about your
sister.
And then the next time shecalls you, just try to set the
boundary again.
It's very important that youfollow through with your
boundary consistently.
So I'm asking you this,listener where in your life are
(15:39):
you leaking energy becauseyou're afraid to set a limit?
Think about that for a second.
I hope this has been helpfulfor you.
Go, journal down what'sbothering you, even if it's on a
random little piece of papersomewhere in your car.
Start small, start practicingthose boundaries.
Don't feel guilt and back out ofthem or give in because you're
(16:01):
a people pleaser.
Start practicing this new skill.
I promise that the more youpractice, the more confident
you're going to get.
And when we behave like we loveourselves and we love ourselves
first and we prioritizeourselves, our belief systems
and our behaviors and everythingelse, it all starts to fall
into place Really, truly.
(16:22):
It's that idea of momentumright.
If we start a ball rolling,once it starts rolling and
rolling and rolling, it's goingto pick up momentum and that's
where mental health stuff reallygoes into effect.
Like that's where change canreally be seen is when you start
utilizing these new skills andyou practice them, and you
practice them, and you practicethem, and then all of a sudden
(16:43):
it starts getting easier.
And then you start practicingthem with people who are a
little bit more challenging andthen all of a sudden, you start
valuing yourself and you startseeing like, hey, it is kind to
take care of myself, it is kindand loving to take care of
myself.
Whether they see it or not,right, a cared for, loving Kayla
is better for everyone in mylife, whether they realize it or
(17:05):
not.
On that note, I'm going to gohave me a nice hot tea and move
on with my day.
So good chatting with you.
Hop on over to my website ifyou want to see other ways to
work with me and I'll catch younext time.
Bye.
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