February 24, 2025 • 22 mins
Toddler tantrums are tough, but they’re also a normal (albeit exhausting) part of parenting. In this episode of Not Your Therapist, we’re diving into the chaos of meltdowns to help you survive them with your sanity intact. You’ll learn why tantrums happen, what’s going on in your child’s brain during a meltdown, and why reasoning with them is impossible in the heat of the moment.
We’ll also tackle how your toddler’s big feelings might trigger unresolved emotions in you, and I’ll share tools to manage your own reactions while staying calm. Plus, discover practical strategies to handle tantrums with confidence and compassion—and why staying grounded helps build trust and emotional resilience in your child.
If you’re tired of power struggles and ready for a fresh perspective on parenting toddlers, this episode is for you. Tune in now and learn how to navigate tantrum season like a pro!
👉 Grab your FREE Audio Training: Get Unstuck- 3 Strategies to Break Free from Unhealthy Patterns
👉 Follow me on social @notyourtherapist.kayla
👉 Ask me a question hello@kaylareilly.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hey friends, welcome back to Not your Therapist, the
podcast where I navigate life'schaos with a dash of humor and a
heck of a lot of honesty.
Today we're talking about auniversal parenting challenge
tantrums.
If you've ever found yourselfin the middle of a fricking
target with a screaming toddlerbecause you told him no, that he
couldn't eat the Play-Doh thatyou're going to buy for him, we
(00:31):
are very similar friends becauseI've been there too.
I've left many a full cart in astore because I had to handle
my business, and my business isa crazy person.
A tiny crazy person is a crazyperson.
A tiny crazy person.
We're going to dive into whytantrums even happen in the
first place, how to handle themwithout losing your mind and how
(00:53):
to recognize if your kids'meltdowns are triggering
something deeper within you.
Plus, I'm going to share alittle bit about my own toddler
tantrum escapades and how mychildhood shaped the way I
handle big ol' feelings.
Let's get into it.
Hey there, and welcome to Notyour Therapist, the no BS
(01:14):
podcast, where I ditch thetherapy couch and get real about
life, love, work and all themessy in-betweens.
I'm Kayla Riley, a licensedtherapist and founder of a group
practice that now runs withoutme, giving me freedom to spend
more time with my littles and toshare the secrets of wellness
I've learned with people likeyou.
(01:34):
This isn't therapy, it's yourgo-to for real talk, practical
tips and the occasional truthbomb to help you thrive.
And the best part no diagnosis,no insurance company
constraints.
I get to take off the whitegloves and tell it like it is,
because I'm not your therapist.
If you're ready to break freefrom unhealthy patterns,
(01:57):
navigate the messiness of lifewith more ease and uncover the
magic in your everyday moments,you're in the right place.
Welcome to your healing era.
Friends, let's do this.
Here's the deal.
Tantrums are normal.
(02:17):
They're not a sign that you'refailing as a parent, nor are
they an indication that yourtoddler is bad or he's destined
for a life of rebellion.
Tantrums are just your child'sway of saying I have big
feelings and I don't know whatthe heck to do with them.
Psychologically, toddlers'brains are still developing,
especially the parts thatregulate emotions and impulse
(02:38):
control.
When a toddler's escalated,their brain is operating
entirely almost entirely fromthe amygdala, which is the fight
, flight or freeze center, whichmeans that reasoning with them
in that moment is nearlyimpossible.
They're like little sodabottles with the little Mentos
in it and you shake it up andthat's the tantrum.
(03:02):
And in fact, toddlers have avery limited vocabulary.
It's no wonder theirfrustration seems to explode.
Sometimes, trying to talk themout of it while they're in a
full-blown meltdown is liketrying to negotiate with a
tornado.
It's just not going to work.
Let the storm pass.
Have the conversation after.
(03:24):
If you must work.
Let the storm pass, have theconversation after, if you must.
However, the little minitherapy sessions just aren't
effective with toddlers.
Sorry, they're just not.
I've seen many a parent do it,though.
They grab their kid and theybring them over and they explain
to them why that's not nice.
Yeah, not gonna work with atoddler, but anyways.
(03:45):
My toddler last week had a fullblown meltdown because I
wouldn't let him wear rain bootsto bed.
Usually I let that argument go.
He has this weird thing abouthis feet and if it were up to
him he would wear shoes or rainboots 24 seven, which is pretty
cute for the most part, likeI'll let him wear rain boots and
(04:06):
he'll be in like a weirdt-shirt and pajama, pants and
rain boots and people think it'scute, fine, but that one night
I took off his rain boots tochange his diaper and his.
That sounded weird.
I didn't change the diaper onhis feet.
I took his rain boots off sothat I could take his pants off
and change his diaper.
(04:27):
Get him into jammies, you getit.
Anyways, I took off the rainboots and the smell was so bad I
thought that my husband's feetwere bad.
Oh, I can only imagine how badit's going to be the stank on
this boy when he's in puberty.
(04:48):
I digress I didn't let him wearthe rain boots that night
because I feel like his nastyass feet needed to air out and
we had the epic meltdown of alifetime.
He was out of control.
Key takeaway it's not personal.
They're not trying to ruin yourday.
(05:08):
They're not being bad.
They're trying to make sense oftheir feelings.
Okay, let's talk aboutsomething deeper.
Why is your toddler crying orwhining, upsetting you so much?
Is it triggering you?
Some people aren't bothered atall by their kid or another kid
(05:31):
whining or crying.
One of my friends, her husband,just is not bothered by whining
crying.
He's able to just tune it out.
For me, it like makes me feellike I'm being turned inside out
.
It is so awful For some of us.
These tantrums aren't justannoying, they're overwhelming
(05:54):
and unbearable, and that mightbe because they're touching a
nerve from our own past.
So when I was a kid, my parentshad a really hard time staying
calm when I was expressing bigfeelings, because they were both
, you know, victims of childhoodchaos.
They both were brought up inhomes where there was a lot of
(06:16):
stuff.
My mom's dad died early when hegot cancer.
My dad's dad was a hardcoreaddict, so he was irrational.
So I think if there is traumaand chaos and you were brought
up in a toxic home, it makessense to me that dealing with
(06:37):
the feelings of our children aregoing to be really hard,
because my parents would yell orshut down and I learned that
big emotions were something tobe avoided or silenced.
Fast forward to me as a mom now, when my toddler cries, my gut
reaction is fix it fast.
Ah, I have this big urgencythat's stirred up within my
(07:02):
chest.
I can just feel it in my chest.
It is hardcore, not because itis urgent, but because it feels
urgent to me.
So here's how to recognize ifyou are also being triggered
when your toddlers are having ameltdown.
If you feel irrationally angryor anxious when your toddler
cries.
(07:22):
Plug in here.
My husband's reaction is anger,full-blown anger.
When my daughter was born and Iwould leave her so that I could
go get my nails done orwhatever, take some time away
from the baby, he would havesuch a hard time because when
she cried he just had thistrigger where he would feel
(07:43):
incredibly angry and he wouldsay to me this is so, maybe I
need therapy.
And I told him, yeah, well,yeah, maybe.
If your family always reactedto big feelings with anger and
that's what's being stirred upin you, maybe it's time to
address those things.
Anyways, another sign thatyou're being triggered is having
flashbacks to moments when yourown feelings were dismissed as
(08:07):
a child.
So if it kind of stirs up theseold memories for you, there you
go.
That's a sign.
We call that a flashback in thepsychology world.
If you're having theseflashbacks, there you go, you're
being triggered.
The last one is you feeldesperate to stop the crying,
even if it's over somethingminor, and rationally you know
(08:31):
that it's okay that yourtoddler's having a meltdown.
But if you're feeling desperateto stop the crying, even though
you know rationally, let themhave their big feelings, it's
not that big of a deal, boom,you're being triggered, so this
doesn't mean that you're a badparent.
You're being triggered, so thisdoesn't mean that you're a bad
parent.
If you're being triggered, itmeans you're human and you.
Recognizing this trigger is thefirst step to unwiring it,
(08:54):
healing them.
I often say to people who havelots of quote unquote buttons
it's not your fault that thebuttons are there, but it is
your responsibility to unwirethem so that you're not just
trigger happy all the time andthat's a lot of healing in
therapy or in mental health.
Coaching is learning toidentify what are my triggers,
(09:17):
where did they come from and howdo I unwire them so that I can
move through life without beingescalated all the time?
Reactive let's get into thenitty gritty of managing
tantrums.
Here's what works and what doesnot.
Do, stay calm, or at leastpretend to put on that poker
(09:40):
face.
Y'all your energy is going toset the tone.
You can use simple phrases likehey, I see that you're upset to
validate your toddler'sfeelings without giving into
them.
Offer choices when possible toempower the kids.
So do you want to walk or doyou want me to carry you?
(10:00):
Do you want to wear your jacketor would you like us to just
carry it to the car.
Right.
There's your little choice.
Sometimes that really helpsmake the toddler feel more
empowered and sometimes itsquashes the tantrum.
Sometimes not so much, butyou've empowered them through
offering that choice.
(10:21):
Next one is physically creatinga boundary.
When necessary, make surethey're safe and others are safe
from them.
When my toddler is tired andcranky and I know that there's
an impending tantrum, I want tomake sure that he's away from my
baby.
I say baby, but she's one now.
I know for a fact that when hissympathetic nervous system is
(10:47):
in full-fledged escalation, he'sgoing to get aggressive with
her.
I just I know it's going tohappen and instead of being
angry or frustrated at him aboutit, I can physically put myself
in between the two of them.
The next one is taking a reallydeep breath before you react.
Give yourself that pause.
(11:09):
Don't feel like you have toautomatically manage or react or
respond.
I think that we've lost the artof the pause.
Taking a pause, giving yourselfa beat, can help bring that
more rational mind online sothat you can make a better
choice.
All right, here are our don'ts.
(11:32):
Do not take the tantrumpersonally.
It is not about you Easier saidthan done when they're throwing
green beans at you Do not matchtheir energy.
When you start yelling, it'snot helping anyone.
In fact, if you escalate, youmight reinforce their behavior
(11:53):
or even frighten them, which canintensify the meltdown and make
it harder for them to calm down.
Adversely, some people make themistake that when they yell at
kids and get them to stop, theymake the mistake of thinking oh
yeah, yelling's working, butyou're really just teaching them
to stop.
They make the mistake ofthinking oh yeah, yelling's
working, but you're really justteaching them to shove down
their feelings and walk oneggshells around you.
(12:14):
And it's actually quiteemotionally abusive.
My dad always says to us, whenhe's around and he's watching
Miles have his little tantrums,he looks at me in exasperation
and one day he finally made acomment and was like he needs to
be scared of one of y'all.
He's running the show.
And I'm like no, he's notrunning the show, he's just
(12:36):
allowed to have feelings and ifhe wants to have his tantrum,
let him have his tantrum.
He's not hurting anybody, rightLike he can have his tantrum.
That's developmentallyappropriate.
I don't want him to be scaredof me and my husband certainly
doesn't want him to be scared ofhim so bada bing.
I've seen those videos online ofa dad like screaming in a poor
(12:57):
little baby's face and he's like, see, you just have to be the
alpha.
And it's like, oh God, there'sthe next generation of toxic
masculinity just being bred.
Don't do it, don't yell, comeon, be an adult.
The other.
Don't don't try to logic themout of it.
(13:19):
Oh God, please stop havingthese little mini therapy
sessions.
Toddlers are not operating onlogic.
They are all pure emotion andinstinct.
Their amygdala is activated andthey don't have the capacity to
shift gears or processreasoning until they've calmed
(13:39):
down.
Now here's a mistake parentsmake.
Sometimes parents have theselittle mini therapy sessions at
their kid while the kid's likecrying and trying and just like
letting out the feelings,letting them out, and then
eventually the child stopscrying, starts responding and
(14:02):
the parent thinks, yeah, thatworked, explaining myself,
explaining why that wasn't nice,explaining why he can't eat
play-doh for lunch, whatever.
However, it's not you lecturingthe kid that worked.
It was time and you being calm,so you could just shut your
(14:24):
mouth and hold the kid, or youcould just shut your mouth and
hold the kid, or you could justshut your mouth and just sit, or
you could continue to lecturethem.
That's fine too, but from myperspective it's a waste of your
time.
There's a woman on Instagram Ithink her handle is like brat
busters.
She's hilarious.
I love watching her because shetalks about this kind of stuff
(14:45):
a lot, and it actually reallyhelps me to see those reels as
I'm scrolling on the gram atnight, because it's a good
reminder.
Don't do little therapy sessions.
Toddlers are all about clear,consistent action.
It's just true.
All right bonus tip creating amantra for yourself like this is
(15:06):
temporary.
Or they are learning, and so amI, or this is developmentally
appropriate.
I have to give them the dignityto experience their own
feelings.
These little mantras can reallyhelp us in those moments where
their escalation is triggeringus and we're escalating and we
need to kind of bring our brainsback online.
(15:28):
That's the beauty of the adultbrain.
We have a prefrontal cortex.
We can pump the brakes on ourimpulses.
We can make a choice not toreact rather to take a break,
take a pause and respondrationally.
Now we have that ability.
(15:48):
Do we always choose that?
No, but nobody's perfect andwe're not striving for
perfection here.
We're striving to be just alittle bit better than we were
yesterday, and that's whatmatters is showing up and trying
to do just a little bit betterthan we were yesterday, than you
did before.
You're not competing againstanyone but yourself.
(16:11):
If tantrums set off yourinternal alarms, here's what you
can do to manage your ownreactions.
So, acknowledging what'shappening inside of you, are you
reacting to your toddler or toa memory of your own past?
And when I say memory, peoplethink I'm not thinking of a
memory.
No, but maybe it's an echo of afeeling, right?
(16:34):
So I know for me or for peoplewho had really expressive angry,
dominant parents, they mightfeel really minimized or out of
control or anxious.
So if that's the feeling that'scoming up for you, you might be
reacting to your past.
(16:54):
You also want to use groundingtechniques.
So strategies like deepbreathing or naming five things
you can see, four things, youcan touch, three things, you can
smell, right, all of thoselittle mindfulness practices.
And if you haven't already, hopon over to my mindfulness.
That won't make you want to eyeroll episode.
It was way back when.
(17:15):
I think it was episode two orthree.
Go check that out.
That might help here.
But using these mindfulnessstrategies to bring yourself
back to the present.
It also brings back online thatprefrontal cortex.
That helps you get grounded andrespond instead of reacting,
like I mentioned earlier.
Okay, affirmations.
(17:36):
So, like I had mentionedearlier, taking a little mantra
or an affirmation that you canrepeat to yourself can be really
helpful here.
Their emotions are not myemergency.
I love that one.
I use that one a lot.
I actually have it written downon a post-it note right outside
of my bedroom door and it's sogood to remember.
(17:56):
Their emotions are not myemergency.
That really speaks to how Ifeel.
When my toddlers are startingto have a tantrum, I feel urgent
, I feel like it's an emergency.
It's not.
It's just feelings, it's justemotions.
Really good reminder for me.
Okay, the other one is makingsure that your needs are being
(18:19):
met consistently.
So being proactive as a parentis often more effective than
reactive strategies.
So, yeah, you can like practicedeep breathing when you're
freaking out and you're beingtriggered, but if you go make
sure your cup is full and youshow up in every environment to
(18:41):
your kid, well-rested, takingcare of your hair's done, you're
in a nice outfit, yourlaundry's not building up
haunting you.
You're in a nice outfit, yourlaundry is not building up.
Haunting you.
You're going to feel a lot morecapable of staying calm in
those challenging moments thanyou are if you have an empty
tank.
And let me tell you somethingabout mental health If you have
(19:03):
an empty tank and you're nottaking care of your needs, your
triggers are going to be easierto push.
Your buttons, triggers whateveryou want to call them they are
going to be way bigger and wayeasier to push than if you are
rested and taking care of and onyour A game.
(19:23):
And lastly, seek support.
If you're having a hard timeunpacking old wounds and
learning healthier responses tothings, seek a therapist or a
mental health coach.
There is such power in going tosomeone who can act as a mirror
for you.
They can reflect to you whatthey see happening.
(19:45):
They can also provide you witha little bit of accountability.
A lot of us need that.
We need accountability partners.
Not only that, but there are somany other skills than the ones
I've mentioned today andinterventions to help you
process old stuff.
Here's the silver lining y'all,tantrums don't last forever.
(20:07):
This is a season, not asentence.
It's totally exhausting, butit's also an opportunity to
teach your child emotionalregulation, a skill they're
going to use their entire life.
By staying calm, or at leasttrying to, you're giving your
kid permission to experience theemotional spectrum and create a
(20:29):
trusting relationship, a safeattachment with you.
That's going to really matter.
They know that you're not goingto leave them.
You're going to love them.
You're going to be their rock,regardless of what they go
through.
Now, this doesn't mean lettingthem do whatever the hell they
want to avoid tantrums, whichsome of us do.
(20:49):
Don't do that.
Embrace that they're going tohave tantrums.
Set those boundaries, be a firmparent.
But when they do have thosetantrums, allow them to express
their big feelings.
Love them anyways.
The other day I heard anothertherapist refer to this as being
the anchor.
So if your child is the shipand the ocean is feelings and
(21:15):
life, there are going to bestorms and you want to be their
anchor.
So imagining this image can bea really nice place to visit
when you're trying to hold ittogether.
Take a moment to reflect on thefunny or sweet moments that
balance out the chaos.
There are plenty of them.
Don't get sucked into the darkstormies.
(21:36):
It's okay to be blue, but ifyou get deep and stormy blue,
that's when a little bit ofdepression and burnout slipping
in and it's time to refill yourcup or maybe get some support.
And it's time to refill yourcup, or maybe get some support.
If you're in the trenches oftantrum season, you are not
alone.
You're doing hard, importantwork raising these tiny humans,
(21:59):
even if it doesn't always feelthat way.
Remember, toddlers are learningand so are you.
Give yourself grace, laugh whenyou can and don't be afraid to
ask for help when you need it.
If this episode resonated withyou, please share it with a
fellow parent who could use alittle extra support or a little
validation, because they'regoing through the same darn
(22:20):
thing.
It really helps me to servemore people by getting the word
out there.
And don't forget to check outmy free audio training.
It's really good.
Not many people have downloadedit, but it's super good.
I put a lot of effort into it.
It's called Get Unstuck ThreeStrategies to Breaking Unhealthy
Patterns.
You can go over and grab it atkaylarileycom.
(22:43):
Until next time, take care ofyourself and your little ones.
You've got this.
I'll see you soon.
Hey friends, welcome back to Not your Therapist, the
podcast where I navigate life'schaos with a dash of humor and a
heck of a lot of honesty.
Today we're talking about auniversal parenting challenge
tantrums.
If you've ever found yourselfin the middle of a fricking
target with a screaming toddlerbecause you told him no, that he
couldn't eat the Play-Doh thatyou're going to buy for him, we
(00:31):
are very similar friends becauseI've been there too.
I've left many a full cart in astore because I had to handle
my business, and my business isa crazy person.
A tiny crazy person is a crazyperson.
A tiny crazy person.
We're going to dive into whytantrums even happen in the
first place, how to handle themwithout losing your mind and how
(00:53):
to recognize if your kids'meltdowns are triggering
something deeper within you.
Plus, I'm going to share alittle bit about my own toddler
tantrum escapades and how mychildhood shaped the way I
handle big ol' feelings.
Let's get into it.
Hey there, and welcome to Notyour Therapist, the no BS
(01:14):
podcast, where I ditch thetherapy couch and get real about
life, love, work and all themessy in-betweens.
I'm Kayla Riley, a licensedtherapist and founder of a group
practice that now runs withoutme, giving me freedom to spend
more time with my littles and toshare the secrets of wellness
I've learned with people likeyou.
(01:34):
This isn't therapy, it's yourgo-to for real talk, practical
tips and the occasional truthbomb to help you thrive.
And the best part no diagnosis,no insurance company
constraints.
I get to take off the whitegloves and tell it like it is,
because I'm not your therapist.
If you're ready to break freefrom unhealthy patterns,
(01:57):
navigate the messiness of lifewith more ease and uncover the
magic in your everyday moments,you're in the right place.
Welcome to your healing era.
Friends, let's do this.
Here's the deal.
Tantrums are normal.
(02:17):
They're not a sign that you'refailing as a parent, nor are
they an indication that yourtoddler is bad or he's destined
for a life of rebellion.
Tantrums are just your child'sway of saying I have big
feelings and I don't know whatthe heck to do with them.
Psychologically, toddlers'brains are still developing,
especially the parts thatregulate emotions and impulse
(02:38):
control.
When a toddler's escalated,their brain is operating
entirely almost entirely fromthe amygdala, which is the fight
, flight or freeze center, whichmeans that reasoning with them
in that moment is nearlyimpossible.
They're like little sodabottles with the little Mentos
in it and you shake it up andthat's the tantrum.
(03:02):
And in fact, toddlers have avery limited vocabulary.
It's no wonder theirfrustration seems to explode.
Sometimes, trying to talk themout of it while they're in a
full-blown meltdown is liketrying to negotiate with a
tornado.
It's just not going to work.
Let the storm pass.
Have the conversation after.
(03:24):
If you must work.
Let the storm pass, have theconversation after, if you must.
However, the little minitherapy sessions just aren't
effective with toddlers.
Sorry, they're just not.
I've seen many a parent do it,though.
They grab their kid and theybring them over and they explain
to them why that's not nice.
Yeah, not gonna work with atoddler, but anyways.
(03:45):
My toddler last week had a fullblown meltdown because I
wouldn't let him wear rain bootsto bed.
Usually I let that argument go.
He has this weird thing abouthis feet and if it were up to
him he would wear shoes or rainboots 24 seven, which is pretty
cute for the most part, likeI'll let him wear rain boots and
(04:06):
he'll be in like a weirdt-shirt and pajama, pants and
rain boots and people think it'scute, fine, but that one night
I took off his rain boots tochange his diaper and his.
That sounded weird.
I didn't change the diaper onhis feet.
I took his rain boots off sothat I could take his pants off
and change his diaper.
(04:27):
Get him into jammies, you getit.
Anyways, I took off the rainboots and the smell was so bad I
thought that my husband's feetwere bad.
Oh, I can only imagine how badit's going to be the stank on
this boy when he's in puberty.
(04:48):
I digress I didn't let him wearthe rain boots that night
because I feel like his nastyass feet needed to air out and
we had the epic meltdown of alifetime.
He was out of control.
Key takeaway it's not personal.
They're not trying to ruin yourday.
(05:08):
They're not being bad.
They're trying to make sense oftheir feelings.
Okay, let's talk aboutsomething deeper.
Why is your toddler crying orwhining, upsetting you so much?
Is it triggering you?
Some people aren't bothered atall by their kid or another kid
(05:31):
whining or crying.
One of my friends, her husband,just is not bothered by whining
crying.
He's able to just tune it out.
For me, it like makes me feellike I'm being turned inside out
.
It is so awful For some of us.
These tantrums aren't justannoying, they're overwhelming
(05:54):
and unbearable, and that mightbe because they're touching a
nerve from our own past.
So when I was a kid, my parentshad a really hard time staying
calm when I was expressing bigfeelings, because they were both
, you know, victims of childhoodchaos.
They both were brought up inhomes where there was a lot of
(06:16):
stuff.
My mom's dad died early when hegot cancer.
My dad's dad was a hardcoreaddict, so he was irrational.
So I think if there is traumaand chaos and you were brought
up in a toxic home, it makessense to me that dealing with
(06:37):
the feelings of our children aregoing to be really hard,
because my parents would yell orshut down and I learned that
big emotions were something tobe avoided or silenced.
Fast forward to me as a mom now, when my toddler cries, my gut
reaction is fix it fast.
Ah, I have this big urgencythat's stirred up within my
(07:02):
chest.
I can just feel it in my chest.
It is hardcore, not because itis urgent, but because it feels
urgent to me.
So here's how to recognize ifyou are also being triggered
when your toddlers are having ameltdown.
If you feel irrationally angryor anxious when your toddler
cries.
(07:22):
Plug in here.
My husband's reaction is anger,full-blown anger.
When my daughter was born and Iwould leave her so that I could
go get my nails done orwhatever, take some time away
from the baby, he would havesuch a hard time because when
she cried he just had thistrigger where he would feel
(07:43):
incredibly angry and he wouldsay to me this is so, maybe I
need therapy.
And I told him, yeah, well,yeah, maybe.
If your family always reactedto big feelings with anger and
that's what's being stirred upin you, maybe it's time to
address those things.
Anyways, another sign thatyou're being triggered is having
flashbacks to moments when yourown feelings were dismissed as
(08:07):
a child.
So if it kind of stirs up theseold memories for you, there you
go.
That's a sign.
We call that a flashback in thepsychology world.
If you're having theseflashbacks, there you go, you're
being triggered.
The last one is you feeldesperate to stop the crying,
even if it's over somethingminor, and rationally you know
(08:31):
that it's okay that yourtoddler's having a meltdown.
But if you're feeling desperateto stop the crying, even though
you know rationally, let themhave their big feelings, it's
not that big of a deal, boom,you're being triggered, so this
doesn't mean that you're a badparent.
You're being triggered, so thisdoesn't mean that you're a bad
parent.
If you're being triggered, itmeans you're human and you.
Recognizing this trigger is thefirst step to unwiring it,
(08:54):
healing them.
I often say to people who havelots of quote unquote buttons
it's not your fault that thebuttons are there, but it is
your responsibility to unwirethem so that you're not just
trigger happy all the time andthat's a lot of healing in
therapy or in mental health.
Coaching is learning toidentify what are my triggers,
(09:17):
where did they come from and howdo I unwire them so that I can
move through life without beingescalated all the time?
Reactive let's get into thenitty gritty of managing
tantrums.
Here's what works and what doesnot.
Do, stay calm, or at leastpretend to put on that poker
(09:40):
face.
Y'all your energy is going toset the tone.
You can use simple phrases likehey, I see that you're upset to
validate your toddler'sfeelings without giving into
them.
Offer choices when possible toempower the kids.
So do you want to walk or doyou want me to carry you?
(10:00):
Do you want to wear your jacketor would you like us to just
carry it to the car.
Right.
There's your little choice.
Sometimes that really helpsmake the toddler feel more
empowered and sometimes itsquashes the tantrum.
Sometimes not so much, butyou've empowered them through
offering that choice.
(10:21):
Next one is physically creatinga boundary.
When necessary, make surethey're safe and others are safe
from them.
When my toddler is tired andcranky and I know that there's
an impending tantrum, I want tomake sure that he's away from my
baby.
I say baby, but she's one now.
I know for a fact that when hissympathetic nervous system is
(10:47):
in full-fledged escalation, he'sgoing to get aggressive with
her.
I just I know it's going tohappen and instead of being
angry or frustrated at him aboutit, I can physically put myself
in between the two of them.
The next one is taking a reallydeep breath before you react.
Give yourself that pause.
(11:09):
Don't feel like you have toautomatically manage or react or
respond.
I think that we've lost the artof the pause.
Taking a pause, giving yourselfa beat, can help bring that
more rational mind online sothat you can make a better
choice.
All right, here are our don'ts.
(11:32):
Do not take the tantrumpersonally.
It is not about you Easier saidthan done when they're throwing
green beans at you Do not matchtheir energy.
When you start yelling, it'snot helping anyone.
In fact, if you escalate, youmight reinforce their behavior
(11:53):
or even frighten them, which canintensify the meltdown and make
it harder for them to calm down.
Adversely, some people make themistake that when they yell at
kids and get them to stop, theymake the mistake of thinking oh
yeah, yelling's working, butyou're really just teaching them
to stop.
They make the mistake ofthinking oh yeah, yelling's
working, but you're really justteaching them to shove down
their feelings and walk oneggshells around you.
(12:14):
And it's actually quiteemotionally abusive.
My dad always says to us, whenhe's around and he's watching
Miles have his little tantrums,he looks at me in exasperation
and one day he finally made acomment and was like he needs to
be scared of one of y'all.
He's running the show.
And I'm like no, he's notrunning the show, he's just
(12:36):
allowed to have feelings and ifhe wants to have his tantrum,
let him have his tantrum.
He's not hurting anybody, rightLike he can have his tantrum.
That's developmentallyappropriate.
I don't want him to be scaredof me and my husband certainly
doesn't want him to be scared ofhim so bada bing.
I've seen those videos online ofa dad like screaming in a poor
(12:57):
little baby's face and he's like, see, you just have to be the
alpha.
And it's like, oh God, there'sthe next generation of toxic
masculinity just being bred.
Don't do it, don't yell, comeon, be an adult.
The other.
Don't don't try to logic themout of it.
(13:19):
Oh God, please stop havingthese little mini therapy
sessions.
Toddlers are not operating onlogic.
They are all pure emotion andinstinct.
Their amygdala is activated andthey don't have the capacity to
shift gears or processreasoning until they've calmed
(13:39):
down.
Now here's a mistake parentsmake.
Sometimes parents have theselittle mini therapy sessions at
their kid while the kid's likecrying and trying and just like
letting out the feelings,letting them out, and then
eventually the child stopscrying, starts responding and
(14:02):
the parent thinks, yeah, thatworked, explaining myself,
explaining why that wasn't nice,explaining why he can't eat
play-doh for lunch, whatever.
However, it's not you lecturingthe kid that worked.
It was time and you being calm,so you could just shut your
(14:24):
mouth and hold the kid, or youcould just shut your mouth and
hold the kid, or you could justshut your mouth and just sit, or
you could continue to lecturethem.
That's fine too, but from myperspective it's a waste of your
time.
There's a woman on Instagram Ithink her handle is like brat
busters.
She's hilarious.
I love watching her because shetalks about this kind of stuff
(14:45):
a lot, and it actually reallyhelps me to see those reels as
I'm scrolling on the gram atnight, because it's a good
reminder.
Don't do little therapy sessions.
Toddlers are all about clear,consistent action.
It's just true.
All right bonus tip creating amantra for yourself like this is
(15:06):
temporary.
Or they are learning, and so amI, or this is developmentally
appropriate.
I have to give them the dignityto experience their own
feelings.
These little mantras can reallyhelp us in those moments where
their escalation is triggeringus and we're escalating and we
need to kind of bring our brainsback online.
(15:28):
That's the beauty of the adultbrain.
We have a prefrontal cortex.
We can pump the brakes on ourimpulses.
We can make a choice not toreact rather to take a break,
take a pause and respondrationally.
Now we have that ability.
(15:48):
Do we always choose that?
No, but nobody's perfect andwe're not striving for
perfection here.
We're striving to be just alittle bit better than we were
yesterday, and that's whatmatters is showing up and trying
to do just a little bit betterthan we were yesterday, than you
did before.
You're not competing againstanyone but yourself.
(16:11):
If tantrums set off yourinternal alarms, here's what you
can do to manage your ownreactions.
So, acknowledging what'shappening inside of you, are you
reacting to your toddler or toa memory of your own past?
And when I say memory, peoplethink I'm not thinking of a
memory.
No, but maybe it's an echo of afeeling, right?
(16:34):
So I know for me or for peoplewho had really expressive angry,
dominant parents, they mightfeel really minimized or out of
control or anxious.
So if that's the feeling that'scoming up for you, you might be
reacting to your past.
(16:54):
You also want to use groundingtechniques.
So strategies like deepbreathing or naming five things
you can see, four things, youcan touch, three things, you can
smell, right, all of thoselittle mindfulness practices.
And if you haven't already, hopon over to my mindfulness.
That won't make you want to eyeroll episode.
It was way back when.
(17:15):
I think it was episode two orthree.
Go check that out.
That might help here.
But using these mindfulnessstrategies to bring yourself
back to the present.
It also brings back online thatprefrontal cortex.
That helps you get grounded andrespond instead of reacting,
like I mentioned earlier.
Okay, affirmations.
(17:36):
So, like I had mentionedearlier, taking a little mantra
or an affirmation that you canrepeat to yourself can be really
helpful here.
Their emotions are not myemergency.
I love that one.
I use that one a lot.
I actually have it written downon a post-it note right outside
of my bedroom door and it's sogood to remember.
(17:56):
Their emotions are not myemergency.
That really speaks to how Ifeel.
When my toddlers are startingto have a tantrum, I feel urgent
, I feel like it's an emergency.
It's not.
It's just feelings, it's justemotions.
Really good reminder for me.
Okay, the other one is makingsure that your needs are being
(18:19):
met consistently.
So being proactive as a parentis often more effective than
reactive strategies.
So, yeah, you can like practicedeep breathing when you're
freaking out and you're beingtriggered, but if you go make
sure your cup is full and youshow up in every environment to
(18:41):
your kid, well-rested, takingcare of your hair's done, you're
in a nice outfit, yourlaundry's not building up
haunting you.
You're in a nice outfit, yourlaundry is not building up.
Haunting you.
You're going to feel a lot morecapable of staying calm in
those challenging moments thanyou are if you have an empty
tank.
And let me tell you somethingabout mental health If you have
(19:03):
an empty tank and you're nottaking care of your needs, your
triggers are going to be easierto push.
Your buttons, triggers whateveryou want to call them they are
going to be way bigger and wayeasier to push than if you are
rested and taking care of and onyour A game.
(19:23):
And lastly, seek support.
If you're having a hard timeunpacking old wounds and
learning healthier responses tothings, seek a therapist or a
mental health coach.
There is such power in going tosomeone who can act as a mirror
for you.
They can reflect to you whatthey see happening.
(19:45):
They can also provide you witha little bit of accountability.
A lot of us need that.
We need accountability partners.
Not only that, but there are somany other skills than the ones
I've mentioned today andinterventions to help you
process old stuff.
Here's the silver lining y'all,tantrums don't last forever.
(20:07):
This is a season, not asentence.
It's totally exhausting, butit's also an opportunity to
teach your child emotionalregulation, a skill they're
going to use their entire life.
By staying calm, or at leasttrying to, you're giving your
kid permission to experience theemotional spectrum and create a
(20:29):
trusting relationship, a safeattachment with you.
That's going to really matter.
They know that you're not goingto leave them.
You're going to love them.
You're going to be their rock,regardless of what they go
through.
Now, this doesn't mean lettingthem do whatever the hell they
want to avoid tantrums, whichsome of us do.
(20:49):
Don't do that.
Embrace that they're going tohave tantrums.
Set those boundaries, be a firmparent.
But when they do have thosetantrums, allow them to express
their big feelings.
Love them anyways.
The other day I heard anothertherapist refer to this as being
the anchor.
So if your child is the shipand the ocean is feelings and
(21:15):
life, there are going to bestorms and you want to be their
anchor.
So imagining this image can bea really nice place to visit
when you're trying to hold ittogether.
Take a moment to reflect on thefunny or sweet moments that
balance out the chaos.
There are plenty of them.
Don't get sucked into the darkstormies.
(21:36):
It's okay to be blue, but ifyou get deep and stormy blue,
that's when a little bit ofdepression and burnout slipping
in and it's time to refill yourcup or maybe get some support.
And it's time to refill yourcup, or maybe get some support.
If you're in the trenches oftantrum season, you are not
alone.
You're doing hard, importantwork raising these tiny humans,
(21:59):
even if it doesn't always feelthat way.
Remember, toddlers are learningand so are you.
Give yourself grace, laugh whenyou can and don't be afraid to
ask for help when you need it.
If this episode resonated withyou, please share it with a
fellow parent who could use alittle extra support or a little
validation, because they'regoing through the same darn
(22:20):
thing.
It really helps me to servemore people by getting the word
out there.
And don't forget to check outmy free audio training.
It's really good.
Not many people have downloadedit, but it's super good.
I put a lot of effort into it.
It's called Get Unstuck ThreeStrategies to Breaking Unhealthy
Patterns.
You can go over and grab it atkaylarileycom.
(22:43):
Until next time, take care ofyourself and your little ones.
You've got this.
I'll see you soon.
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