SHRINK SHOTS: Therapy Terms 101 – Projection – Are You Mad at Them, or at Yourself?

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Ever find yourself getting irrationally annoyed at someone, only to realize later that you were actually mad at yourself? Or maybe someone accused you of something completely off-base, and you thought, Wait… that’s not me, that’s YOU!? That, my friends, is projection, one of the sneakiest defense mechanisms that can wreck relationships and keep us from real self-awareness.

In this episode of Shrink Shots, we’re diving into:

✅ What projection really is (and why we all do it sometimes)
✅ How to spot projection in yourself and others
✅ Famous examples of projection—politicians, religious leaders, and even your boss
✅ How to stop projecting and actually deal with your own emotions

If you’ve ever wondered why certain people trigger you so much, or why some folks love blaming others for their own behavior, this episode is for you.

🎧 Hit play now and learn how to recognize projection—so you can stop being mad at people for things that were never really about them in the first place.

👉 Grab your FREE Audio Training: Get Unstuck- 3 Strategies to Break Free from Unhealthy Patterns

👉 Follow me on social @notyourtherapist.kayla

👉 Ask me a question [e-mail]

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Have you ever had someone accuse you of something
that's totally off base?
You're like wait, that's noteven me, that's you, mofo.
Or when you find yourselfirrationally annoyed at someone,
only to later realize you wereactually mad at yourself because
you were doing it.
That, my friends, is projection.
It's sneaky, it's messy and itcan wreck relationships if

(00:24):
you're not careful.
Today, we're going to breakdown what projection really is,
how to spot it in yourself andothers, and what to do instead.
Hey, I'm kayla riley, licensedtherapist, entrepreneur and mama
just trying to keep my shittogether like the rest of you.
Welcome to Shrink Shots.
Quick hit bonus episodes packedwith bite-sized insights on

(00:49):
relationships, parenting andmore.
No fluff, just real talk.
Let's do this.
Projection is a psychologicaldefense mechanism first
identified by Sigmund Freud.
It happens when the unconsciousmind takes an uncomfortable

(01:12):
feeling, insecurity or thoughtand pushes it onto someone else
to avoid dealing with it.
In other words, instead offacing something that's
difficult within ourselves, weexternalize it.
I see it a lot when partnersare cheating or have cheated in
the past, they tend to be thepeople who are the most

(01:33):
suspicious that their partner isgoing to cheat on them.
In fact, I've seen a lot ofcouples where one partner is
actually currently cheating andthey are really accusing and
going at the other person forbeing mistrustful and suspicious
and I don't know.
It's a really interestingphenomenon.
From a neuroscience perspective, though.

(01:54):
Our brains are actually wiredto protect us from emotional
discomfort, so if admitting acertain truth threatens our
self-image, like acknowledgingthat we're jealous or insecure
or struggling with something, weunconsciously project those
feelings onto someone else.
This helps us avoid cognitivedissonance, which is the mental

(02:18):
tug of war between how we seeourselves and the reality of our
behavior.
Projection can be a temporarycoping mechanism, but if we
leave it unchecked, it cancreate a toxic relationship
dynamic, an emotional blind spotand a cycle of avoiding

(02:38):
self-growth, and keep us reallystuck with where we are.
The good news is, once yourecognize it, you can change it.
If you need an example of whatthis looks like, just look at
public figures.
We've all seen the politicianswho campaign against LGBTQ
rights, only later to be caughtin same-sex affairs.

(02:59):
Or religious leaders preachingmorality while secretly engaging
in some seriously unethicalshit.
Or the boss that you have.
That's always like complainingthat their employees are lazy,
but they're really lazy.
It's really.
The more uncomfortable someoneis with their own reality, the

(03:19):
more likely they are to push itonto someone else.
So how do you know if you're theone doing this mess?
A big clue is if someone elsedoes something that really gets
under your skin like not justannoying but unreasonably
irritating.
It drives you crazy Red flag orif you're overreacting to

(03:41):
something minor.
It's really worth askingyourself is this really about
them or is this hitting onsomething in me that I just
don't want to deal with rightnow?
Another sign is when you assumepeople are thinking or feeling
a certain way without anyevidence.
You might catch yourself sayingthings like they probably think
I'm stupid or I know they don'tlike me, but do you actually

(04:02):
know that?
Or are you just putting yourown insecurity onto someone else
?
And here's the big one If youfind yourself constantly
accusing others of the samething over and over, take a step
back, like if every friend youhave or every coworker or every
ex is selfish or lazy oruntrustworthy.

(04:22):
It might be time for someself-reflection, because a lot
of times the common denominatorin these bad relationships is
you.
I'll tell on myself.
I used to get so annoyed whenmy husband would do
irresponsible things, like hewouldn't take care of what he
needed to take care of, and itwould drive me freaking crazy.

(04:44):
And you know, as you get moresafe in a relationship or as you
get more safe within yourself,you can look at things that your
brain has been blocking.
So, especially for projection,if you're in a safe space, it
enables you to really look atyourself because you're
comfortable to do so.
So I started looking at my ownbehavior and seeing that I was

(05:06):
neglecting things that were myresponsibility and I was so
focused on him doing it.
It was protecting me fromlooking at my own dynamics.
So how do we stop projectingand start dealing with our own
shit?
The first step is to catchyourself in the act.
The next time you feel anintense reaction to someone,

(05:35):
take a little pause and just askyourself what about this is
pissing me off?
And do I do this as well?
And I get it.
This is uncomfortable.
No one wants to admit that theycan't stand something in
someone else, but it's actuallya reflection of themselves.
But if you call things out, youcall out your own patterns.
You can then do something aboutit, which is actually
empowering.
What's not empowering isfocusing on other people or

(05:55):
focusing on things that youcan't control.
It just drives you freakingcrazy.
So once you recognize it, thebest thing you can do is own
your feelings instead ofexternalizing them, instead of
saying oh my friend is so needy,try.
I get uncomfortable when peopleask for support because I
struggle to do the same.
See the big difference there?

(06:16):
One is blaming someone.
One is owning your ownexperience.
It helps to check for patterns,so if the same types of people
or situations trigger yourepeatedly, there's probably a
deeper reason for that.
Keeping a journal or eventaking mental notes can really
help.
So paying attention to whatsets you off, or writing things

(06:39):
down instead of just jumpingstraight to blame, ask yourself
what is this bringing up for me?
And lastly, therapy duh, ormental health coaching.
If you want to work with me,plug in Shameless self-promotion
.
Obviously, I'm a big fan oftherapy, but seriously, therapy
helps you take a look at theparts of yourself that you'd

(07:02):
rather not see.
I've used this metaphor beforeand I'll use it again.
Going to therapy is like goingto see a dentist.
We shine a little mirror andlight on the parts of yourself
that you can't see by yourself.
I love that.
That's such a good metaphorOnce you acknowledge these parts

(07:22):
of yourself.
Once you get help reflecting andlooking at these parts of
yourself, you stop needing toproject them onto everyone else.
It's like somebody who's sickand is constantly vomiting.
If you're constantly projectingand you're constantly vomiting
on everybody else, it's reallyunattractive.
People don't want to be aroundyou.
But if you start holding inyour vomit and taking some

(07:44):
medication, you'll be moreattractive to hang out with.
That was a terrible metaphor.
I went from slaying toembarrassing.
Anyways, projection is sneaky.
It's one of the things that'sway easier to spot in other
people than ourselves.
But once you start catching it,once you start owning your own
crap instead of dumping them oneveryone else, you're going to

(08:07):
feel so much lighter.
Your relationships are going toimprove, your self-awareness is
going to grow and you'll stopwasting your energy being mad at
everybody else for things that,deep down, were never really
about them in the first place.
If this hit home, share it witha friend or tag me.
I'm going to drop these littleepisodes every Tuesday and

(08:27):
Thursday, 10 being in a series,so don't miss your next dose.
I'll see you next time.
Boom, now you've got somethingto think about.
If this hits home, share itwith a friend or tag me on
Instagram at not your therapistdot.
Kayla shrink shots drop everyTuesday and Thursday with 10

(08:48):
episodes in each series.
So hit, follow and don't missyour next dose of no BS Therapy
wisdom.
See you next time.