July 11, 2024 • 43 mins
🔔 And if you haven’t subscribed yet,
- 6-Month Ethical Mental Health Trauma-Informed Coaching Training Waitlist: https://mailchi.mp/f8a4df05034a/8h49marbwo
- Free Resources: https://linktr.ee/Our.Oasis.Podcast.Community
- Instagram:Â @ouroasiscommunitypodcast
Disclaimer: It's essential to note that while I am a therapist, this podcast is not a substitute for therapy. The stories and discussions shared here are meant to inform and inspire but should not replace professional advice or support.Â
Guess info:
IG: @ hey_valerie_lynn
https://thewomenontop.buzzsprout.com/share
Loneliness isn't just about being alone; it's about feeling unseen and unappreciated. In this episode, we sit down with Valerie Lin, co-founder of the Mentors Collective, to explore her inspiring journey from a dark period in her life to becoming a guiding light for others. Valerie opens up about how a personal development book sparked her path to recovery, and we discuss the often-overlooked role of informal mentors who guide us without us even realizing it. Valerie’s candidness reveals the challenges and triumphs women face in seeking mentorship outside of traditional environments.
We dive deep into the importance of building meaningful connections through shared experiences. Reflecting on personal anecdotes, we explore the concept of Galentine's and how celebrating self-love has fostered communities of powerful, diverse women. My journey from skepticism to embracing the warmth of female-centric spaces underscores the impact these connections can have. We also discuss how launching a podcast during the pandemic led to deep, lasting friendships, proving that persistence and openness can turn isolation into opportunity.
Finally, we cover the critical intersection of inner work and external support in achieving personal and professional growth.
Emergency Helplines
- Emergency: 988
- NAMI Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) - www.nami.org/help
- National Crisis Text Line: Text HELLO to 741741
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 or 988 - www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 - www.thehotline.org
- SAMHSA Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) - www.samhsa.gov
- LGBT Trevor Project Lifeline: 1-866-488-7386 - www.thetrevorproject.org
- Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) - www.veteranscrisisline.net
- Ayuda en Español: 1-888-628-9454 - www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/es
- National Deaf Therapy: www.nationaldeaftherapy.com
- BIPOC Therapist Finder:...
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, I am Valerie Lin and I am the co-founder of the
Mentors Collective, which is amentorship business for women,
and I also just love to mentorwomen in one-on-one private
client scenarios and I also am apodcast host and I just love
working with women in theirleadership and their mentorship
(00:20):
and everything that comes alongwith it.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Welcome everybody and everything that comes along
with it.
Welcome everybody Once again.
Get your cozy spot, get yourhappy beverage.
And today I have an amazingmentor and woman, all the things
, and we are going to talk abouthow important is mentorship for
(00:45):
your mental health and tothrive and to be the best
version of you.
So, for all further ado, pleaselet me introduce to you Valerie
.
Hi, valerie.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
How are you?
I'm good.
Thank you so much.
I always get like so humbledand a little embarrassed when I
get introduced because it's like, oh my gosh, this is such a
nice way to like welcome me intothe space.
So thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Of course.
Thank you for coming in shiningsome light to all our listeners
about what is important to havementors and also how to pick a
mentor.
A lot of people don't know howto pick a mentor unless you have
gone through high school andcollege.
Sometimes they think aboutthose kinds of mentors, but when
(01:26):
we're in the outside world, aswomen.
How can we find a mentor, andwhat is that important?
Can you tell us a little bitabout your story?
How are you here?
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Yeah, you know, mentorship is this term that we
hear and we often just associateit with, like business or
corporate spaces.
But the thing about mentorshipis really it exists in so many
ways.
You could probably reflect backin your own life and think
about people who maybe weren'tofficially mentors for you, but
somehow did something thathelped guide or teach you or
(01:59):
remind you of the spark insideof yourself.
I mean, crystal's a reallygreat example of this right, and
so for me, I was always thatgood girl growing up and kind of
wanted to fit in this box.
I was really quiet.
It's so funny now because Ifeel like I'm very extroverted,
turns out but I was alwaystrying to just do what I thought
(02:22):
everyone wanted me to do and Ifelt like I didn't really have a
story.
And so I went through a divorceand went through some things
that were really in a darkseason of my life and I feel
like I always credit.
Somebody had at one point givenme a personal development book
and to me it was like thisre-ignition of what I was meant
(02:44):
to do, and to me it was likethis re-ignition of what I was
meant to do.
Something more is here for me,because I wouldn't say that I
was necessarily suicidal, but Idefinitely wasn't living.
I didn't necessarily want tolive, if that makes sense.
I just didn't have that in me.
And so, whether this person,she'll probably never know it in
(03:04):
my lifetime, just because she'slike a really big author, but,
um, she was kind of a mentor forme.
She was really a guiding light,and since then I've had so many
women who have also helpedbring me along the journey, and
it's been, it's been gamechanging, um.
And so now for me, what I loveto do is I love to, of course,
(03:25):
do the same for others, but Ialso want to inspire my clients
to be better mentors themselves,because my belief is that the
best leaders are great mentors.
Soul's purpose, I feel like, ishelping deliver some of that
(03:47):
and helping other people be ableto teach or guide or walk
alongside of others, and I thinkit's really beautiful when we
had people that that can kind ofhelp show us the way.
So that's kind of a, in anutshell, like what it means to
me.
But yeah, it goes back manylayers.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
And just for our audience also.
Just remember, if you'restruggling with just ideation or
severe depression, anxiety orjust heavy life in general, we
have all kinds of resources inthe podcast notes.
Also, if you need an awesomementor, we are going to put the
links for Valerie.
We are going to put the linksfor Valerie.
(04:24):
If you're searching for alittle more professional help,
meaning more in-depth, we alsohave resources for mental health
therapists and psychologistsand psychiatrists.
So if you need all that help,please check in the notes and in
the Instagrams too.
But, valerie, that is such avulnerable and I know you
brushed it a little through itbut being in dark place when
(04:45):
it's so hard to go and ask forhelp.
One.
Two the risk of getting amentor.
Because so, for example, in mycase, right, I'm a clinician and
we get trained very I call itmilitary, we're very military,
trained in the sense of likethey break you in a way to
rebuild you right.
It's that breaking point,though, that is the most
(05:07):
dangerous one, because ifthey're breaking you in your
professional life and you'rebreaking in your regular life, I
know two of my mentors.
I become a mentor for manycollege students and why not?
Because my mentors.
I have one that was horribleand one that was good.
So my horrible one was the onelike you, never accomplish
(05:28):
anything.
Compare yourself to others andbecause you know they want to
create the best doctors thatthey can and they're old
fashioned, break it until youmake it kind of thing.
And my good leader, as you callit, it was a dean.
It is a dean and she is a powerwoman, you know, and she was
like no, we can do this togetherand you know, always, since I
(05:48):
was in community college until Igraduated, she's still in my
life.
Or you, who was that person?
You say this book saved my lifeand many of us.
We have that kind of pivotmoments where we have a book, a
podcast, a mentor, a person.
What else do you took?
What steps do you took to getyou out of that dark place, to
(06:09):
get you to the amazing mentorthat you are now?
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Thank you for saying that, cause I feel like we're
always on this journey and so Iwant to remind people too that
you know, it's not like you everand I say this in an inspiring
way it's not like you ever hitthe peak and then you're done.
I was just talking with Chrissyabout this on her podcast,
actually, because there's alwaysyou get to the top and guess
what?
There's another peak you wantto reach.
(06:36):
So as a mentor, I feel so Again, so humbled, because every time
I'm engaging with someone,there's so much for me to learn.
So I just say that, knowingthat I don't have it figured out
yet, okay, and I hope I neverdo, because I want to always be
learning.
But for me, the person At leastI can share the book, for me was
(06:57):
this book called you Are aBadass and it's by Jen Sincero
and the reason it was so pivotalfor me because it's really not
I mean, it's a very easy read.
It's got a cheesy title, okay,like this is not like something
that they're going to assign youin high school or college and
say this is a really likebeautiful book.
But for me, what it did was itshowed me a woman who was
(07:18):
unafraid of stepping out intoher authentic leadership and
using her voice, because in thatbook she uses curse words.
She's talking to me as if I'mher high school friend.
I felt so like I could relateto her, and it reminded me that
I'm here for a different purpose.
(07:39):
And so it takes that little bitjust somebody somewhere along
the line, even if you don't evenknow them, like reminding you
of you, because somewhereunderneath all of it, you have
something there.
And so the other piece I want tosay about this is that it takes
(07:59):
sometimes many mentors, like itmight not be just one, right,
so you might have this like, ooh, I do remember that spark, I do
remember the juice of my soulthat this just churned something
inside of me.
But then it's a journey.
It's like this uncovering, it'sa peeling back of layers, and
so I would say it took manythings, and my journey didn't go
(08:22):
from okay, dark and dealingwith some real shit to
completely renewed and recovered.
It wasn't like that, becausewhen you go from a cocoon to a
butterfly, there's a lot ofchange, there's a lot of
breaking down, there's a lot ofdiscovering and reevaluating and
(08:43):
adopting new beliefs, and thatis hard.
That's the hard work thatnobody sees on the outside.
So it took several and I wouldsay again, that book was one.
But I had another mentor thatshe didn't even I don't know
that she ever will realize thepower that she had in my life
and I try to articulate it toher now but who really believed
(09:04):
in me and something that Iwanted to do at work.
I approached her and had askedher if I could come into a
women's community and start anevent and she just brought me
along.
And that also I just think ofher even to this day and I love
(09:24):
that journey because I feel likeit just was the belief I needed
.
Somebody allowing me to sharemy vision and to see parts of it
with me was game changing.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
So for all the audience and if you're listening
, ms sincero, we have an amazingpeople that wants to be in the
podcast and once you come withour podcast, yeah, oh no, one
day we're gonna make it happen.
So, if you guys know, anythingabout social media is make a
(09:58):
wish and it happens.
Sooner or later it will happen.
So, if any, uh, if our personfrom jenisneros is hearing,
please connect with Valerie,change her life, and that is
such a good PR.
Just right there, right, andshe also did.
You're a Badass Making Money andEvery Day and Badass Habits
(10:21):
which are easy peasy.
Yes, they're very simplereadings, but you know,
sometimes we're wearing thedumpster.
We need simple, we needpractical, we need something to
give us hope back, and I thinkthat's what this book did to you
.
Yes, it was able to say, okay,something is not working.
It used to, but it's notworking.
And now I want to practicethese new tools and changing in
(10:45):
my life and, of course, we hatechange.
Our brain is not designed tochange.
We like, even as toxic as itcan be, we survive with the old
tools, so we want to stay inthose old tools.
What kind of tools?
You are now looking inretrospective, surprised that
you're like oh my goodness, hownobody taught me this, how come
I forgot about me doing this?
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Oh, so many.
I think one of the biggest thatI've been working on and I
still have a lot of work to dois understanding myself and how
to regulate my emotions andreally like get in touch with
what I need and again like I'mworking on this.
(11:34):
I say that because it's beensuch a journey and we have these
elements.
I love working with women, too,on like what is holding you
back, because we always havesome version of self-sabotage,
and so I'm still working on that.
Being in any sort ofrelationship sometimes
illuminates some of our shadowsreally brightly, and so that's
(11:56):
what's been happening for me ina really good and healthy
relationship.
It's allowing me to heal someof those pieces of myself.
But I never knew how tocommunicate some of what was
going on with me, some of what Ineeded, just articulating those
emotions and then saying thisis what I'm feeling and this is
actually what I think I needright now, and just that.
(12:19):
It sounds so basic, but it's sohard.
It's so hard to be seen in someof your vulnerability, and I
think this is the case for a lotof motivated, ambitious women.
We like to feel like we don'treally need anything, and then
sometimes we're martyrs or westrap on all these other things
(12:41):
onto ourselves, all these masks,and so it's become a tool to
start to label those things whenthey come up, those voices, and
then to also again identifywhere how am I feeling today?
And then starting to figure outwhat are some of those things
that help me regulate.
I think the other surprisingthing and we talked about this
at Galentine's but I have alwaysheard the power of community
(13:04):
and network and, like yourfriendships, I did not
understand the completerevolution that can happen when
you have some amazingfriendships in your life, and I
didn't have a lot of them.
So growing up I didn't have alot of friends.
I was very like.
It was a you know just typicallike kind of controlled
childhood and got good gradesagain, like back to being quiet,
(13:28):
want to shrink and just do whatmy parents wanted me to do, got
into some not goodrelationships and that was like
my, that was my path.
I didn't really have my ownidentity until later on and so
I'd finally started forgingthese really good connections
and I feel so much more held andcalm and again confident, I
(13:52):
suppose, because even ifeverything goes I don't know
Even if my job were to go, evenif my relationship right now
were to go, I feel secure in thefact that I have a network.
I have people that are factthat I have a network.
I have people that are therethat will support me and, more
than that, I think I have adifferent layer of self-trust
now than I ever did before.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
And in the United States we have one of the
highest crises of loneliness,even when we're around people,
because loneliness is not abouthaving company.
Loneliness is about they don'tsee me, they don't respect me,
they don't cheer me out.
And for everybody wonderingwhat is galentine's is the
number one fresno self-love uhevent that happens in february.
(14:37):
I will put that also in thenotes if you want to go.
But yeah, that's what I.
I met, met Valerie through themto.
She's Made For More and otherevents and in there.
But it's like, you know, atransformation that you have
when you get female parents thatare powerful in the sense of
being at peace.
(14:57):
When I say powerful, I don't itdoesn't mean we have CEOs in
the group and we have peoplethat is homemakers and we have
people that just starting lifefrom all ages, but it's the fact
that they see you and I loveone quote that they say they
were like sometimes you needsomebody that is as delusional
as you are in order toaccomplish the accomplishment
(15:19):
Right.
Have you ever seen this YouTubevideo when it says you know
what is the most important thingin the leader?
It's not the leader, it's theenticing that they do to the
follower, meaning the secondperson that comes.
So they have a person dancingand everybody looks at it like
OK, and then it's the secondperson that gives permission to
(15:39):
everybody.
So, believe it or not and Idon't think Valerie really knows
this Ashley andina were mypermission to follow because I
don't.
I in the past I didn't believein the woohoo thing.
You know, like coaches, women,I'm a scientist, so it's like
more, let me dissect your brainand see, yeah, but I have, I
have this and I'm not saying ina dexter way at all, you know,
(16:02):
not in the creepy way.
I'm just saying you know, Iknow the brain is searching.
Ashley and Valerie.
(16:29):
We met back in the day when Ithink three years ago is when my
journey started for findingfemale entrepreneurs and female
love is over another females,because I was in such a
environment of academia incompeting with males, so I'm
just saying the environment isnot the most friendly one.
I went to an event that is for apodcast I listened for years
that is called Empower Her, andthen Valerie and Ashley were
there.
There Ashley was wearing thispink sequined suit and I was
like, what are you wearing?
(16:49):
And Valerie was just.
If you have met Valerie, if youever see her in any event,
please go just to get a hug fromher.
She gives the most amazing hugsthat they squeeze all the
negative energy out of youliterally.
So she didn't even know me.
She just hugged me and I waslike who is this woman?
(17:10):
And I think she said, oh, Ijust love what I think.
And she said, oh, I love howyou smell.
It's like how are you so closethat you can smell me?
And it was this perfume that iscalled Cozy.
And I'm like, okay, I guess theperfume works.
Shout out to Gray.
But sometimes when we go torooms that we're terrified to go
(17:33):
because we're thinking womenare going to judge us, women are
going to destroy us, they'regoing to be catty, etc.
Or our own shadow work, right,that is like I'm not good enough
, I'm not pretty enough, I'm notyoung enough, I'm not pretty
enough, I'm not young enough,I'm not successful enough.
And then we go to places likewhere Valerie and Ashley were,
where it's just a sea of womenthat all there are just to love
(17:56):
you and care for you.
And from there, I have to say,I become very good friends with
people that now are my bestfriends.
Some of them are my mentorsthemselves.
So for you, what was thatpivotal time where you were like
yes, I have my gang of friends,I have my little community of
(18:18):
women and now I can give backbecause I have healed enough to
go give back.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
That's a really good question.
I feel like for me it maybe wasa little different, because I
think it happened over time, Idon't know that I had one
community like you were talkingabout, kind of like you finally
found this group and everyonereally saw you.
I had been part of groups thatI could kind of feel that with
(18:45):
and I would feel this sense ofcamaraderie sort of, but it
wasn't actually the group that Iwould end up would feel this
sense of camaraderie sort of,but it wasn't actually the group
that I would end up creating aton of connection from.
I think I did.
You know, I did make someconnections.
I'm not going to say I didn't,but I kind of share that.
For the woman who maybe is like, okay, I've been to some
networking things or I've beenpart of companies or whatever,
and I don't think it's always aone size fits all, like you're
(19:08):
not always going to walk in andeveryone's going to understand
you.
I think it was a slow unfolding,but I do feel like there were
some people who really saw mewhen I started my podcast.
So I started a podcast back induring the pandemic.
You know, everything was crazy.
We all know how that was and Iwas like just researching
(19:29):
leadership because I was veryinterested about positive
leadership.
And I caught on to GaryVaynerchuk For anybody who knows
Gary Vee, I got onto thisrandom call of his and I was
talking to him about it.
He's like you need to just startrecording these conversations.
Just document One of his things, just document what you're
doing.
And I was doing that andthrough the podcast I had my one
(19:50):
of my now closest friends reachout and say you know, I really
see what you're doing here, I'dlove to have a chat with you.
And we got on the phone and itwas like you know, magic happens
with certain people.
You just like you know, withyou I just feel like there's an
innate connection.
I love some of your humor, Ilove how smart.
(20:11):
You're so smart but you're alsoso nerdy and that's such a
combination for me that I justlove.
But anyway, the magic unfoldedand I think through the podcast
and then through some of theother communities and
connections, and then, of course, through Crystal, I just
started finding that tribe, butI wouldn't say it was just like
(20:34):
overnight and it didn't happenin one space.
So again I'm sharing that kindof for the previous version of
myself even who.
It just took some time andsometimes I think that that's
how it is with our network andit can also be the way it is for
your purpose.
It can be the way it is for alot of things, and oftentimes I
think we have this likenarrative that oh, we're just
(20:57):
going to do this and life isgoing to change, and so again I
just want to kind of share thatin the sense that sometimes it's
really like this, you know,stepping stone process.
Speaker 2 (21:06):
And thank you for bringing that up.
And you're right for all theyoungsters out there if you're
starting your journey, youngadults.
When it took me 14 years ofbeing alone, literally to find
the community right, I try here,here, here, and believe it or
not, even in my own community,in the Latino community, I
(21:26):
didn't fit it Right Because,kind of like what you were
saying, and I learned very earlyin that process that it's okay
to like different cakes.
You don't have to like the sameone, right?
So I like apple pie, I don'tlike cakes.
So I was like but it's okay, Ican appreciate the inside, right
?
What do I mean?
So, but there, that's right, Iam a super nerd.
(21:49):
Shout out to all my nerds andgeek therapists out there.
Uh, if you don't know, I talk incomic con, wonder con, anime,
expo, all the super nerds, I'min, right, and.
But that took a lot of time anda lot of networking to like
tolling my dream.
Anybody that had ears will knowmy dream.
(22:10):
Like, hey, one day I won.
Um, dr Janina Scarlett is oneof my superheroes in real life
because we share a lot of thesame immigration stories and
survivor stories and I wastotally fun, girl, know her and
I say, if you ever can, I justwant to um get a signature in
the box right?
I'm sharing panels with her nowbecause that's what I'm saying.
(22:34):
That's what I say.
One day no, one day happens.
You just have to put it outthere in the universe and the
little fairies will take care ofit.
Yeah, but and why?
Speaker 1 (22:42):
go ahead.
Oh sorry, can I just add onething to that too?
Of course, you also have to doit over and over and over, and
so that's.
The other thing is, sometimespeople will say, oh, I tried
this once and it didn't work.
Like, yeah, you have to keepdoing it, and partially you're
doing it for yourself to tostart to get your subconscious
(23:03):
brain on board, because thatthing is not on board yet, like
it's defaulting.
I think we talked about thislike a little bit at the
beginning.
But like it'll default to thatcomfort, like it's defaulting.
I think we talked about thislike a little bit at the
beginning.
But like it'll default to thatcomfort zone, it'll default to
the old programming, right,because that's what it knows,
because that's what's kept yousafe for so long.
Telling your story is hard, butit's your purpose, like, and so
I commend you for doing that,because it's not easy to
(23:25):
continue to share it and say I'mgoing to talk to whoever's
going to listen, I'm going toget on this panel, then I'm
going to get on another one andbefore you know it, now you're
sharing panels with her.
And what a testament to youbeing like you know what.
It's okay for me to share myvoice and to go after some of
the things that I want and tonot stop.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
And yeah, this one is a little asshole, right.
Why?
Because we were designed to bealive in the cage ages, right,
meaning our brain will alwayswant to keep you safe.
And guess what?
New things don't feel safe.
New things feel like oh mygoodness, the lion and the
(24:05):
dinosaur is going to come andrip me apart.
So also, if you haven't neverread, I think the book is called
the Hundred Nose, and the wholebook, every chapter, gives you
an exercise to get a hundrednose.
Why?
Because then you turn it.
It's on.
What do I mean when it's on?
Oh, yeah, I wish to say yeah,everybody was so kumbaya with me
(24:25):
when I said no, they thought Iwas delusional.
One and other one it was askand become curious.
So it's like okay, so why notlike?
Or if you see somebody that isa little ahead of you, sometimes
we forget that when we see thetop of the iceberg, there is a
lot on there and we want to bein the top.
But even if I take you to thetop, you will freeze to death
(24:48):
because you haven't done thetraining to be in that top.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Exactly, exactly, like so many people think they
want that leadership role or amillion followers on whatever
you have, you don't even havethe resources yet.
And I mean I say that with somuch love, but like even if you
were gifted that right now youwouldn't even know what to do
with it.
I mean, how many people do wehear of in the news who win the
(25:12):
lottery and then a year laterthey're completely broke Because
what happened?
They didn't know, they didn'thave the ability to hold that
much.
Yet you just don't have theability yet to hold that much,
but you're working on it, right.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Yeah, I call it.
Like your brain has thisblueprint for a one bedroom
studio and you throw a partythat is for a mansion.
It's not gonna fit right.
So if you're in that, uh climb,if you will in that training of
kind to talk about your dream,um, I always in psychology we
(25:49):
have something that we say youfirst feel it, then you think it
, then you speak it and it comesreality.
But not, as I say, you have tofeel it, meaning you have to
believe it, because if I justthink it and speak it but my
belief is like I don't deserveit, guess what?
You're going to get that proof,because that's what the brain
is trying to find.
(26:14):
You give them the parameters orthe blueprint to find.
It's almost like a hound doggy.
So he's saying go find me.
I don't know the best leader inthe world, but tell them that I
suck.
So he will go and find that.
So the first step, I think, isunderstanding and you can get a
mentor.
That is a little bit stepsahead of you, not big steps,
little steps, because that wayyou build that muscle of
(26:36):
confidence, like I did it right,and then you move to the next
one and to the next one.
It's okay.
It's okay to move from mentorto mentor or from the stage to
stage, because they will comewith you or they will cheer for
you.
A good mentor, a good leader,will never, never stab you in
the back or throw you under thebus.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
No, no, not at all, because why would they?
I mean, if you find somebodywho they have a deeper why as to
why they're doing what they'redoing, you will be able to feel
it and you'll be able to know,just by some of the actions that
they show you and demonstrateto you and the behavior exchange
and it's not to say so.
I also want to say this becausementorship isn't always fluffy.
(27:20):
My style is I like to be acheerleader, but I'm also going
to kick you in the ass, becauseI know what your potential is
and I'm not here to like if youwant to lock arms with me, I'm
running with you.
Okay, we're going to do the damnthing, but we are not going to
be like, and I am going to beyour biggest advocate, but I
(27:42):
also want to show you whatyou're made of, and so I think
it's not to say that sometimes Ithink people think of getting a
mentor and they're just likeokay, cool, I can just relax,
I've got this mentor, they'regoing to show me the way.
No, girl, you got to do thework Like you're going to.
Actually, probably, if you'redoing it right, you're going to
be working harder than yourmentors.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Right.
And I always say mentorship,growing or working in yourself.
It's almost like going to thegym.
Nobody likes it, you hate it.
It's so painful when you go legday, please not right, but you
have to do it.
You have to do the leg day.
The first time you can onlylift maybe two pounds, then five
(28:24):
, then 10, and now you're doinga hundred.
But it's a process of pain,growing in pain.
And when I say pain, I'm nottalking about psychological
abuse or, like you know, mentorsthat tell you you're stupid or
stuff like that.
No, psychological pain means Ihave to look at the ugly parts
of me.
Yeah Right, and nobody likesthat, because we always want to
(28:44):
present the best, like youmentioned before, mask the best.
This is me, this is so happy,blah, blah, blah.
And I think that's what a lotof the social media has shared
and why one of the social mediaswas exploding during the
pandemic, because they showpeople as they are, with fluffy
hair, with no makeup and, likeyou know, like in Spanish, we
(29:05):
call it all for dona, whichmeans all like right.
But we like that, that part ofsocial connection, because, like
I see you, because I'm likethat too, eating the Cheetos
from from my tummy watchingNetflix, right?
So I said that because ifanybody's listening and you, you
say that's too far, that's toohard.
(29:27):
That's why I create thecommunity that I create my
community is to take a break tograb tools from people that
already have done it.
But you're not obligated to gothere yet, because sometimes we
need a little more slow pace.
You know, uh, you have to go toyour own pace and you know how
that looks.
Like I love, like I said, Ilove valerie because she's a
(29:48):
cheerleader, but I can onlyimagine if she's that super
cheerleader when she's like youneed to do this shit.
Like okay, okay, right, but how?
What?
Five little nuggets, just giveme some nuggets for our audience
of how to find a good mentor.
You look at it retrospective,in the innocent young you or
(30:08):
like the not so worldly outsideevents, and why not?
How you will pick, becausenormally we pick mentors are
shiny, because brain like shiny,right.
So people will say I want to bementored by taylor swift or
bianna senor.
Like, really, no, like you know, like, like I say about the ice
, right yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Right, yeah, I think that that's a.
You know that's such a goodquestion too, because you want
to be intentional about whoyou're reaching out to and who
maybe you work with as a clientor whatever the case might be I
might.
for me, I would say probably thefirst thing for most of us
would be psychological safety,and what I mean by that is to
(30:51):
make sure that you feel safe,being seen, because that is
going to be your ceiling ofpotential is how much you're
going to let yourself be seen.
You're going to decide thatbased on who you're working with
.
So if you feel like that personis able to hold that kind of
space for you, then I would saythat's a really good.
(31:11):
That's number one.
I think Number two would be toKind of like what you mentioned.
You want to find somebody whomimics some of what you're going
for In terms of their lifestyle, in terms of how they hold
themselves, not just necessarilytitle and success.
(31:32):
I want to look at the wholepicture.
They just emulate somethingthat is reflecting something
back in you, and you aren'tquite there yet, but you admire
them for a reason or two.
And then the other piece I wantto say because this is my own
mentor that I was referencingearlier it can be really
(31:54):
valuable to find somebody who isa little different than you,
who holds some different beliefs, who looks different than you,
who has a different culture, whohas something else that they
bring to the table so that itcan round you out in experience
and open your eyes to justsomething new that maybe you
(32:16):
didn't have before.
So those are a couple of thingsthat I would say.
As far as you know, looking forthat mentor, yeah, I would go
there.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Thank you.
That's so important.
And the same mental safety orpsychological safety is so
important.
If you go with a mentor, thatis for a coach, or put the blank
here title.
Make sure that is what do youwant, right?
For example, if I want aninstructor for, and I use
(32:49):
exercise because we all relateto that, uh, if I want a coach
for exercising but I want amentor for dancing, both of them
are movement of my body, but ifone start trashing the other
one or one start saying you haveto drop everything or you.
There is no absolutes when itcomes to mentorship.
There is no absolutes to togrow.
(33:11):
And I understand in mentorshipand even in coaching, it's a
little hard because it's thewild, wild west in the sense
that they're not very regulated.
But you know, it's okay tobecome curious about not so much
credentials but credibility,right, always ask somebody else,
how do you feel with thisperson, what do you learn and
how do you got where you gotright?
(33:34):
Um, and always protect yourmental health in the sense of
like.
If you hire somebody to work inyour entrepreneurship or
somebody to work in yourstackable habits, etc.
Etc.
But then you're ending talkingabout childhood trauma and stuff
like that.
That's a red flag.
I ask you to place that on youtoo, to stay in track, right?
(33:56):
So what you will say tosomebody that two scenarios One
is the one that is like thego-getter, nothing's wrong with
me totally ignoring it, right?
And when it comes to you,you're like, I mean, I want to
work with you, you're awesome,but yeah, right, you see the
(34:16):
cloud, right, yes, how do you doin those cases?
Speaker 1 (34:20):
Really good, right.
So I for that person, thatperson is me Really good, right.
So I for that person, thatperson is me, yeah.
And because I know that thereis more inner work to be done to
make sure we're in alignment.
A lot of times you know we haveto, we have to dig underneath a
(34:43):
few of the layers.
So when we start to look atgoals, a lot of times figuring
out the why and then where doesit live in your body?
What stories are you tellingyourself?
And this can kind of we do walkdown some roads that can lead
to some childhood stories.
So, like you said, you have toknow your boundaries with this.
But even just giving somereflective questions, I'm that
(35:03):
mentor that likes to give acouple of here's a couple of
reflection questions foryourself to try to figure out
where does that come from?
Because once we can start to doa little more of that and to
soften some of those edges, wecan run.
Really, if you want to run fast, we can do that, but we have to
make sure we have really clearfocus and a really good
(35:23):
understanding of why we're doingwhat we're doing and built in
supportive habits around that.
That makes sure that you feellike this is fun and this is
good and this is easy and thisis in flow, and a lot of times
we're just pushing and pushingand pushing.
That tells me that we've gotsome other things going on and
we've got to look at the otherpieces of life, and normally
(35:44):
that comes out in conversationabout like what is also like not
working, that you would like tobe working differently, and so
then we have to focus there.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
And I admire the work of coaches because they are
more accessible to people thantherapy.
Unfortunately, you know, andalso they're less taboo.
I, if you have 10 people, nineis going to pick a coach over a
therapist, because therapist isa lot of um.
We have a lot of um, we'recalling um, negative outcome,
(36:13):
negative connotation, that like,oh my God, now thank goodness
with social media and everything.
Now it's like my nugget toeverybody that's listened you
need a therapist, you need acoach and you need a mentor, and
if you can get a personaltrainer, that will be great.
So, because you need to takecare of your body, your soul,
(36:33):
meaning your inner self, yourmind and your goals, right, if
you have that, I call it toaffect that.
But technically speak, therefore, therefore, in my, in my work,
in their work too, I think thereason why I receive all the
girls the way that I did isbecause you know, not only
because I'm a clinician, butalso as a clinician, I have to
(36:55):
go to therapy because it'smandatory for us to right.
So if you're listening, if yourtherapist doesn't go to therapy
, you'll have their own coach.
Question a little bit, rightthe same, if you have a coach
that hasn't gone through eitherone of those three question a
little bit, because how can weguide somebody if we haven't
guided ourselves out of thedarkness.
And that's what I love, Valerieand all the beautiful women
(37:28):
that are in this podcast,because all of them, they have
done the inner work.
They didn't wake up one day andsay I'm just going to be
amazing today and not thinkabout my own trauma and try not
to bring it and reflect it right.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
So no, I was going to say like that if you're an
entrepreneur or any sort of likeambitious person, you're just
going to be dealing with thisall of the time, like there's
just going to be new challengesthat hit you in the face every
once in a while.
So this doesn't end.
And again, I say thatlaughingly because I feel, like
the top leaders that I've evertalked to or work with and you
(37:55):
know this too it's like they allhave this and the longer you
put it off, the worse it gets.
So that's to your point is likehave, have these people in your
corner and start doing the workwhen you're able to.
I'm still I love therapy.
I used to be that person thatwas like I don't need that, or
was told the narrative growingup that that was for people that
(38:15):
had issues.
Well, it turns out we all haveissues, thank you, and it's been
a game changer.
It really has.
Um, the deeper I was willing togo, the more transformation
that has shown up for me.
So I love what you just sharedof like if you don't have
somebody who's also interestedin doing some of that work or
(38:38):
just is self-aware enough thatthey are going to be continually
learning, then there's aproblem, because I feel like, if
you're an entrepreneur or abusiness owner or just in a
career, like you are alwaysfinding things that you're
learning, or a parent, likethere's always new pieces that
you're learning about yourself.
Speaker 2 (38:57):
Yes, and, like I said , that's what create communities
, to make it.
All parts of you are welcomeand, like I said, we don't know
until we try it right and wedon't know until we know better,
when we do better, when we knowbetter right, when we know our
why.
Sometimes our why is I justwant to survive, sometimes our
why is I want to shine andsometimes our why I just need
(39:19):
rest.
So, for all parts of you, staytuned for the next episodes.
Valerie, thank you so much forbeing here with us where they
can find you, because I thisconversation was so good and
also I think you are the bestmentor that people can have.
So I may be a little biased,but you know like I have
(39:40):
credibility.
What do you mentor?
Speaker 1 (39:42):
what is your perfect let's say wishful, um I like to
say that my, the people I tendto work with that gravitate
toward me and that, um, mypreferred clients identify as
women, because I just have adifferent resonance and I feel
like I can guide differentlybecause, again, like I've been
(40:03):
through some of the things thaty'all have been through too, and
I always say, like I am for theself-led woman, meaning that if
you are somebody again who iskind of that go-getter, who
knows, like within herself, thatshe's made for something
different, that is my idealperson, that I love working with
and where they can find you.
(40:23):
Yeah, you can come find me onInstagram.
So on Instagram I'm atHeyValerieLynn.
You can also come find me onLinkedIn ValerieLynn on there.
And yeah, please send me arandom DM.
I love getting random messages,so if something was funny for
you or just interesting tolisten to, or you got something
from this episode, please feelfree to reach out and just slide
(40:44):
in there.
Shoot me a message.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
And if you go to our Oasis podcast Instagram, we will
have the five tips and how tofind a mentor and five tips how
to find a healthy therapist andcoach.
So please don't miss that andgo get it.
It will be available once thisnew season drops.
Thank you so much, Valerie.
My pleasure to have you.
(41:06):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
You're just the best.
I am squeezing you from here,virtual hugging you.
Speaker 2 (41:12):
Thank you so much and for everybody.
Remember be proud, be loud, beyou and all parts of you are
accepted.
Until next time.
As we conclude today's episode,take a moment to reflect.
Be proud of the journey, forevery step that brings you
(41:32):
closer to who you truly are.
Embrace the kindness towardsyourself, as you did to each one
of our guests, honor thebravery in your actions and
celebrate the importance ofmental wellness with us.
And remember it's an exercisethat we practice daily.
Continue to grow and flourish,knowing that we are in this
(41:57):
training for our mental wellnesstogether.
We are so proud to have you aspart of our community, so join
us on Instagram at our OasisCommunity Podcast for more
inspiring conversations,valuable resources and supported
content, including journals,worksheets and content in
(42:19):
Spanish.
Exciting things are in thehorizon.
Our Oasis community break roomsare coming soon to grab tools
and take a break for mentalhealth.
Also, we are featuring oursix-month training ethical
mental health coaching programdesigned for new and experienced
coaches, as well as holisticand healing professionals.
(42:41):
Enroll to create a safe andtransformative experience to
your clients.
Links in the bio.
Until next time.
Take care, stay connected andwelcome to our Oasis community.
Hi, I am Valerie Lin and I am the co-founder of the
Mentors Collective, which is amentorship business for women,
and I also just love to mentorwomen in one-on-one private
client scenarios and I also am apodcast host and I just love
working with women in theirleadership and their mentorship
(00:20):
and everything that comes alongwith it.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Welcome everybody and everything that comes along
with it.
Welcome everybody Once again.
Get your cozy spot, get yourhappy beverage.
And today I have an amazingmentor and woman, all the things
, and we are going to talk abouthow important is mentorship for
(00:45):
your mental health and tothrive and to be the best
version of you.
So, for all further ado, pleaselet me introduce to you Valerie
.
Hi, valerie.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
How are you?
I'm good.
Thank you so much.
I always get like so humbledand a little embarrassed when I
get introduced because it's like, oh my gosh, this is such a
nice way to like welcome me intothe space.
So thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Of course.
Thank you for coming in shiningsome light to all our listeners
about what is important to havementors and also how to pick a
mentor.
A lot of people don't know howto pick a mentor unless you have
gone through high school andcollege.
Sometimes they think aboutthose kinds of mentors, but when
(01:26):
we're in the outside world, aswomen.
How can we find a mentor, andwhat is that important?
Can you tell us a little bitabout your story?
How are you here?
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Yeah, you know, mentorship is this term that we
hear and we often just associateit with, like business or
corporate spaces.
But the thing about mentorshipis really it exists in so many
ways.
You could probably reflect backin your own life and think
about people who maybe weren'tofficially mentors for you, but
somehow did something thathelped guide or teach you or
(01:59):
remind you of the spark insideof yourself.
I mean, crystal's a reallygreat example of this right, and
so for me, I was always thatgood girl growing up and kind of
wanted to fit in this box.
I was really quiet.
It's so funny now because Ifeel like I'm very extroverted,
turns out but I was alwaystrying to just do what I thought
(02:22):
everyone wanted me to do and Ifelt like I didn't really have a
story.
And so I went through a divorceand went through some things
that were really in a darkseason of my life and I feel
like I always credit.
Somebody had at one point givenme a personal development book
and to me it was like thisre-ignition of what I was meant
(02:44):
to do, and to me it was likethis re-ignition of what I was
meant to do.
Something more is here for me,because I wouldn't say that I
was necessarily suicidal, but Idefinitely wasn't living.
I didn't necessarily want tolive, if that makes sense.
I just didn't have that in me.
And so, whether this person,she'll probably never know it in
(03:04):
my lifetime, just because she'slike a really big author, but,
um, she was kind of a mentor forme.
She was really a guiding light,and since then I've had so many
women who have also helpedbring me along the journey, and
it's been, it's been gamechanging, um.
And so now for me, what I loveto do is I love to, of course,
(03:25):
do the same for others, but Ialso want to inspire my clients
to be better mentors themselves,because my belief is that the
best leaders are great mentors.
Soul's purpose, I feel like, ishelping deliver some of that
(03:47):
and helping other people be ableto teach or guide or walk
alongside of others, and I thinkit's really beautiful when we
had people that that can kind ofhelp show us the way.
So that's kind of a, in anutshell, like what it means to
me.
But yeah, it goes back manylayers.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
And just for our audience also.
Just remember, if you'restruggling with just ideation or
severe depression, anxiety orjust heavy life in general, we
have all kinds of resources inthe podcast notes.
Also, if you need an awesomementor, we are going to put the
links for Valerie.
We are going to put the linksfor Valerie.
(04:24):
If you're searching for alittle more professional help,
meaning more in-depth, we alsohave resources for mental health
therapists and psychologistsand psychiatrists.
So if you need all that help,please check in the notes and in
the Instagrams too.
But, valerie, that is such avulnerable and I know you
brushed it a little through itbut being in dark place when
(04:45):
it's so hard to go and ask forhelp.
One.
Two the risk of getting amentor.
Because so, for example, in mycase, right, I'm a clinician and
we get trained very I call itmilitary, we're very military,
trained in the sense of likethey break you in a way to
rebuild you right.
It's that breaking point,though, that is the most
(05:07):
dangerous one, because ifthey're breaking you in your
professional life and you'rebreaking in your regular life, I
know two of my mentors.
I become a mentor for manycollege students and why not?
Because my mentors.
I have one that was horribleand one that was good.
So my horrible one was the onelike you, never accomplish
(05:28):
anything.
Compare yourself to others andbecause you know they want to
create the best doctors thatthey can and they're old
fashioned, break it until youmake it kind of thing.
And my good leader, as you callit, it was a dean.
It is a dean and she is a powerwoman, you know, and she was
like no, we can do this togetherand you know, always, since I
(05:48):
was in community college until Igraduated, she's still in my
life.
Or you, who was that person?
You say this book saved my lifeand many of us.
We have that kind of pivotmoments where we have a book, a
podcast, a mentor, a person.
What else do you took?
What steps do you took to getyou out of that dark place, to
(06:09):
get you to the amazing mentorthat you are now?
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Thank you for saying that, cause I feel like we're
always on this journey and so Iwant to remind people too that
you know, it's not like you everand I say this in an inspiring
way it's not like you ever hitthe peak and then you're done.
I was just talking with Chrissyabout this on her podcast,
actually, because there's alwaysyou get to the top and guess
what?
There's another peak you wantto reach.
(06:36):
So as a mentor, I feel so Again, so humbled, because every time
I'm engaging with someone,there's so much for me to learn.
So I just say that, knowingthat I don't have it figured out
yet, okay, and I hope I neverdo, because I want to always be
learning.
But for me, the person At leastI can share the book, for me was
(06:57):
this book called you Are aBadass and it's by Jen Sincero
and the reason it was so pivotalfor me because it's really not
I mean, it's a very easy read.
It's got a cheesy title, okay,like this is not like something
that they're going to assign youin high school or college and
say this is a really likebeautiful book.
But for me, what it did was itshowed me a woman who was
(07:18):
unafraid of stepping out intoher authentic leadership and
using her voice, because in thatbook she uses curse words.
She's talking to me as if I'mher high school friend.
I felt so like I could relateto her, and it reminded me that
I'm here for a different purpose.
(07:39):
And so it takes that little bitjust somebody somewhere along
the line, even if you don't evenknow them, like reminding you
of you, because somewhereunderneath all of it, you have
something there.
And so the other piece I want tosay about this is that it takes
(07:59):
sometimes many mentors, like itmight not be just one, right,
so you might have this like, ooh, I do remember that spark, I do
remember the juice of my soulthat this just churned something
inside of me.
But then it's a journey.
It's like this uncovering, it'sa peeling back of layers, and
so I would say it took manythings, and my journey didn't go
(08:22):
from okay, dark and dealingwith some real shit to
completely renewed and recovered.
It wasn't like that, becausewhen you go from a cocoon to a
butterfly, there's a lot ofchange, there's a lot of
breaking down, there's a lot ofdiscovering and reevaluating and
(08:43):
adopting new beliefs, and thatis hard.
That's the hard work thatnobody sees on the outside.
So it took several and I wouldsay again, that book was one.
But I had another mentor thatshe didn't even I don't know
that she ever will realize thepower that she had in my life
and I try to articulate it toher now but who really believed
(09:04):
in me and something that Iwanted to do at work.
I approached her and had askedher if I could come into a
women's community and start anevent and she just brought me
along.
And that also I just think ofher even to this day and I love
(09:24):
that journey because I feel likeit just was the belief I needed
.
Somebody allowing me to sharemy vision and to see parts of it
with me was game changing.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
So for all the audience and if you're listening
, ms sincero, we have an amazingpeople that wants to be in the
podcast and once you come withour podcast, yeah, oh no, one
day we're gonna make it happen.
So, if you guys know, anythingabout social media is make a
(09:58):
wish and it happens.
Sooner or later it will happen.
So, if any, uh, if our personfrom jenisneros is hearing,
please connect with Valerie,change her life, and that is
such a good PR.
Just right there, right, andshe also did.
You're a Badass Making Money andEvery Day and Badass Habits
(10:21):
which are easy peasy.
Yes, they're very simplereadings, but you know,
sometimes we're wearing thedumpster.
We need simple, we needpractical, we need something to
give us hope back, and I thinkthat's what this book did to you
.
Yes, it was able to say, okay,something is not working.
It used to, but it's notworking.
And now I want to practicethese new tools and changing in
(10:45):
my life and, of course, we hatechange.
Our brain is not designed tochange.
We like, even as toxic as itcan be, we survive with the old
tools, so we want to stay inthose old tools.
What kind of tools?
You are now looking inretrospective, surprised that
you're like oh my goodness, hownobody taught me this, how come
I forgot about me doing this?
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Oh, so many.
I think one of the biggest thatI've been working on and I
still have a lot of work to dois understanding myself and how
to regulate my emotions andreally like get in touch with
what I need and again like I'mworking on this.
(11:34):
I say that because it's beensuch a journey and we have these
elements.
I love working with women, too,on like what is holding you
back, because we always havesome version of self-sabotage,
and so I'm still working on that.
Being in any sort ofrelationship sometimes
illuminates some of our shadowsreally brightly, and so that's
(11:56):
what's been happening for me ina really good and healthy
relationship.
It's allowing me to heal someof those pieces of myself.
But I never knew how tocommunicate some of what was
going on with me, some of what Ineeded, just articulating those
emotions and then saying thisis what I'm feeling and this is
actually what I think I needright now, and just that.
(12:19):
It sounds so basic, but it's sohard.
It's so hard to be seen in someof your vulnerability, and I
think this is the case for a lotof motivated, ambitious women.
We like to feel like we don'treally need anything, and then
sometimes we're martyrs or westrap on all these other things
(12:41):
onto ourselves, all these masks,and so it's become a tool to
start to label those things whenthey come up, those voices, and
then to also again identifywhere how am I feeling today?
And then starting to figure outwhat are some of those things
that help me regulate.
I think the other surprisingthing and we talked about this
at Galentine's but I have alwaysheard the power of community
(13:04):
and network and, like yourfriendships, I did not
understand the completerevolution that can happen when
you have some amazingfriendships in your life, and I
didn't have a lot of them.
So growing up I didn't have alot of friends.
I was very like.
It was a you know just typicallike kind of controlled
childhood and got good gradesagain, like back to being quiet,
(13:28):
want to shrink and just do whatmy parents wanted me to do, got
into some not goodrelationships and that was like
my, that was my path.
I didn't really have my ownidentity until later on and so
I'd finally started forgingthese really good connections
and I feel so much more held andcalm and again confident, I
(13:52):
suppose, because even ifeverything goes I don't know
Even if my job were to go, evenif my relationship right now
were to go, I feel secure in thefact that I have a network.
I have people that are factthat I have a network.
I have people that are therethat will support me and, more
than that, I think I have adifferent layer of self-trust
now than I ever did before.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
And in the United States we have one of the
highest crises of loneliness,even when we're around people,
because loneliness is not abouthaving company.
Loneliness is about they don'tsee me, they don't respect me,
they don't cheer me out.
And for everybody wonderingwhat is galentine's is the
number one fresno self-love uhevent that happens in february.
(14:37):
I will put that also in thenotes if you want to go.
But yeah, that's what I.
I met, met Valerie through themto.
She's Made For More and otherevents and in there.
But it's like, you know, atransformation that you have
when you get female parents thatare powerful in the sense of
being at peace.
(14:57):
When I say powerful, I don't itdoesn't mean we have CEOs in
the group and we have peoplethat is homemakers and we have
people that just starting lifefrom all ages, but it's the fact
that they see you and I loveone quote that they say they
were like sometimes you needsomebody that is as delusional
as you are in order toaccomplish the accomplishment
(15:19):
Right.
Have you ever seen this YouTubevideo when it says you know
what is the most important thingin the leader?
It's not the leader, it's theenticing that they do to the
follower, meaning the secondperson that comes.
So they have a person dancingand everybody looks at it like
OK, and then it's the secondperson that gives permission to
(15:39):
everybody.
So, believe it or not and Idon't think Valerie really knows
this Ashley andina were mypermission to follow because I
don't.
I in the past I didn't believein the woohoo thing.
You know, like coaches, women,I'm a scientist, so it's like
more, let me dissect your brainand see, yeah, but I have, I
have this and I'm not saying ina dexter way at all, you know,
(16:02):
not in the creepy way.
I'm just saying you know, Iknow the brain is searching.
Ashley and Valerie.
(16:29):
We met back in the day when Ithink three years ago is when my
journey started for findingfemale entrepreneurs and female
love is over another females,because I was in such a
environment of academia incompeting with males, so I'm
just saying the environment isnot the most friendly one.
I went to an event that is for apodcast I listened for years
that is called Empower Her, andthen Valerie and Ashley were
there.
There Ashley was wearing thispink sequined suit and I was
like, what are you wearing?
(16:49):
And Valerie was just.
If you have met Valerie, if youever see her in any event,
please go just to get a hug fromher.
She gives the most amazing hugsthat they squeeze all the
negative energy out of youliterally.
So she didn't even know me.
She just hugged me and I waslike who is this woman?
(17:10):
And I think she said, oh, Ijust love what I think.
And she said, oh, I love howyou smell.
It's like how are you so closethat you can smell me?
And it was this perfume that iscalled Cozy.
And I'm like, okay, I guess theperfume works.
Shout out to Gray.
But sometimes when we go torooms that we're terrified to go
(17:33):
because we're thinking womenare going to judge us, women are
going to destroy us, they'regoing to be catty, etc.
Or our own shadow work, right,that is like I'm not good enough
, I'm not pretty enough, I'm notyoung enough, I'm not pretty
enough, I'm not young enough,I'm not successful enough.
And then we go to places likewhere Valerie and Ashley were,
where it's just a sea of womenthat all there are just to love
(17:56):
you and care for you.
And from there, I have to say,I become very good friends with
people that now are my bestfriends.
Some of them are my mentorsthemselves.
So for you, what was thatpivotal time where you were like
yes, I have my gang of friends,I have my little community of
(18:18):
women and now I can give backbecause I have healed enough to
go give back.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
That's a really good question.
I feel like for me it maybe wasa little different, because I
think it happened over time, Idon't know that I had one
community like you were talkingabout, kind of like you finally
found this group and everyonereally saw you.
I had been part of groups thatI could kind of feel that with
(18:45):
and I would feel this sense ofcamaraderie sort of, but it
wasn't actually the group that Iwould end up would feel this
sense of camaraderie sort of,but it wasn't actually the group
that I would end up creating aton of connection from.
I think I did.
You know, I did make someconnections.
I'm not going to say I didn't,but I kind of share that.
For the woman who maybe is like, okay, I've been to some
networking things or I've beenpart of companies or whatever,
and I don't think it's always aone size fits all, like you're
(19:08):
not always going to walk in andeveryone's going to understand
you.
I think it was a slow unfolding,but I do feel like there were
some people who really saw mewhen I started my podcast.
So I started a podcast back induring the pandemic.
You know, everything was crazy.
We all know how that was and Iwas like just researching
(19:29):
leadership because I was veryinterested about positive
leadership.
And I caught on to GaryVaynerchuk For anybody who knows
Gary Vee, I got onto thisrandom call of his and I was
talking to him about it.
He's like you need to just startrecording these conversations.
Just document One of his things, just document what you're
doing.
And I was doing that andthrough the podcast I had my one
(19:50):
of my now closest friends reachout and say you know, I really
see what you're doing here, I'dlove to have a chat with you.
And we got on the phone and itwas like you know, magic happens
with certain people.
You just like you know, withyou I just feel like there's an
innate connection.
I love some of your humor, Ilove how smart.
(20:11):
You're so smart but you're alsoso nerdy and that's such a
combination for me that I justlove.
But anyway, the magic unfoldedand I think through the podcast
and then through some of theother communities and
connections, and then, of course, through Crystal, I just
started finding that tribe, butI wouldn't say it was just like
(20:34):
overnight and it didn't happenin one space.
So again I'm sharing that kindof for the previous version of
myself even who.
It just took some time andsometimes I think that that's
how it is with our network andit can also be the way it is for
your purpose.
It can be the way it is for alot of things, and oftentimes I
think we have this likenarrative that oh, we're just
(20:57):
going to do this and life isgoing to change, and so again I
just want to kind of share thatin the sense that sometimes it's
really like this, you know,stepping stone process.
Speaker 2 (21:06):
And thank you for bringing that up.
And you're right for all theyoungsters out there if you're
starting your journey, youngadults.
When it took me 14 years ofbeing alone, literally to find
the community right, I try here,here, here, and believe it or
not, even in my own community,in the Latino community, I
(21:26):
didn't fit it Right Because,kind of like what you were
saying, and I learned very earlyin that process that it's okay
to like different cakes.
You don't have to like the sameone, right?
So I like apple pie, I don'tlike cakes.
So I was like but it's okay, Ican appreciate the inside, right
?
What do I mean?
So, but there, that's right, Iam a super nerd.
(21:49):
Shout out to all my nerds andgeek therapists out there.
Uh, if you don't know, I talk incomic con, wonder con, anime,
expo, all the super nerds, I'min, right, and.
But that took a lot of time anda lot of networking to like
tolling my dream.
Anybody that had ears will knowmy dream.
(22:10):
Like, hey, one day I won.
Um, dr Janina Scarlett is oneof my superheroes in real life
because we share a lot of thesame immigration stories and
survivor stories and I wastotally fun, girl, know her and
I say, if you ever can, I justwant to um get a signature in
the box right?
I'm sharing panels with her nowbecause that's what I'm saying.
(22:34):
That's what I say.
One day no, one day happens.
You just have to put it outthere in the universe and the
little fairies will take care ofit.
Yeah, but and why?
Speaker 1 (22:42):
go ahead.
Oh sorry, can I just add onething to that too?
Of course, you also have to doit over and over and over, and
so that's.
The other thing is, sometimespeople will say, oh, I tried
this once and it didn't work.
Like, yeah, you have to keepdoing it, and partially you're
doing it for yourself to tostart to get your subconscious
(23:03):
brain on board, because thatthing is not on board yet, like
it's defaulting.
I think we talked about thislike a little bit at the
beginning.
But like it'll default to thatcomfort, like it's defaulting.
I think we talked about thislike a little bit at the
beginning.
But like it'll default to thatcomfort zone, it'll default to
the old programming, right,because that's what it knows,
because that's what's kept yousafe for so long.
Telling your story is hard, butit's your purpose, like, and so
I commend you for doing that,because it's not easy to
(23:25):
continue to share it and say I'mgoing to talk to whoever's
going to listen, I'm going toget on this panel, then I'm
going to get on another one andbefore you know it, now you're
sharing panels with her.
And what a testament to youbeing like you know what.
It's okay for me to share myvoice and to go after some of
the things that I want and tonot stop.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
And yeah, this one is a little asshole, right.
Why?
Because we were designed to bealive in the cage ages, right,
meaning our brain will alwayswant to keep you safe.
And guess what?
New things don't feel safe.
New things feel like oh mygoodness, the lion and the
(24:05):
dinosaur is going to come andrip me apart.
So also, if you haven't neverread, I think the book is called
the Hundred Nose, and the wholebook, every chapter, gives you
an exercise to get a hundrednose.
Why?
Because then you turn it.
It's on.
What do I mean when it's on?
Oh, yeah, I wish to say yeah,everybody was so kumbaya with me
(24:25):
when I said no, they thought Iwas delusional.
One and other one it was askand become curious.
So it's like okay, so why notlike?
Or if you see somebody that isa little ahead of you, sometimes
we forget that when we see thetop of the iceberg, there is a
lot on there and we want to bein the top.
But even if I take you to thetop, you will freeze to death
(24:48):
because you haven't done thetraining to be in that top.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Exactly, exactly, like so many people think they
want that leadership role or amillion followers on whatever
you have, you don't even havethe resources yet.
And I mean I say that with somuch love, but like even if you
were gifted that right now youwouldn't even know what to do
with it.
I mean, how many people do wehear of in the news who win the
(25:12):
lottery and then a year laterthey're completely broke Because
what happened?
They didn't know, they didn'thave the ability to hold that
much.
Yet you just don't have theability yet to hold that much,
but you're working on it, right.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Yeah, I call it.
Like your brain has thisblueprint for a one bedroom
studio and you throw a partythat is for a mansion.
It's not gonna fit right.
So if you're in that, uh climb,if you will in that training of
kind to talk about your dream,um, I always in psychology we
(25:49):
have something that we say youfirst feel it, then you think it
, then you speak it and it comesreality.
But not, as I say, you have tofeel it, meaning you have to
believe it, because if I justthink it and speak it but my
belief is like I don't deserveit, guess what?
You're going to get that proof,because that's what the brain
is trying to find.
(26:14):
You give them the parameters orthe blueprint to find.
It's almost like a hound doggy.
So he's saying go find me.
I don't know the best leader inthe world, but tell them that I
suck.
So he will go and find that.
So the first step, I think, isunderstanding and you can get a
mentor.
That is a little bit stepsahead of you, not big steps,
little steps, because that wayyou build that muscle of
(26:36):
confidence, like I did it right,and then you move to the next
one and to the next one.
It's okay.
It's okay to move from mentorto mentor or from the stage to
stage, because they will comewith you or they will cheer for
you.
A good mentor, a good leader,will never, never stab you in
the back or throw you under thebus.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
No, no, not at all, because why would they?
I mean, if you find somebodywho they have a deeper why as to
why they're doing what they'redoing, you will be able to feel
it and you'll be able to know,just by some of the actions that
they show you and demonstrateto you and the behavior exchange
and it's not to say so.
I also want to say this becausementorship isn't always fluffy.
(27:20):
My style is I like to be acheerleader, but I'm also going
to kick you in the ass, becauseI know what your potential is
and I'm not here to like if youwant to lock arms with me, I'm
running with you.
Okay, we're going to do the damnthing, but we are not going to
be like, and I am going to beyour biggest advocate, but I
(27:42):
also want to show you whatyou're made of, and so I think
it's not to say that sometimes Ithink people think of getting a
mentor and they're just likeokay, cool, I can just relax,
I've got this mentor, they'regoing to show me the way.
No, girl, you got to do thework Like you're going to.
Actually, probably, if you'redoing it right, you're going to
be working harder than yourmentors.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Right.
And I always say mentorship,growing or working in yourself.
It's almost like going to thegym.
Nobody likes it, you hate it.
It's so painful when you go legday, please not right, but you
have to do it.
You have to do the leg day.
The first time you can onlylift maybe two pounds, then five
(28:24):
, then 10, and now you're doinga hundred.
But it's a process of pain,growing in pain.
And when I say pain, I'm nottalking about psychological
abuse or, like you know, mentorsthat tell you you're stupid or
stuff like that.
No, psychological pain means Ihave to look at the ugly parts
of me.
Yeah Right, and nobody likesthat, because we always want to
(28:44):
present the best, like youmentioned before, mask the best.
This is me, this is so happy,blah, blah, blah.
And I think that's what a lotof the social media has shared
and why one of the social mediaswas exploding during the
pandemic, because they showpeople as they are, with fluffy
hair, with no makeup and, likeyou know, like in Spanish, we
(29:05):
call it all for dona, whichmeans all like right.
But we like that, that part ofsocial connection, because, like
I see you, because I'm likethat too, eating the Cheetos
from from my tummy watchingNetflix, right?
So I said that because ifanybody's listening and you, you
say that's too far, that's toohard.
(29:27):
That's why I create thecommunity that I create my
community is to take a break tograb tools from people that
already have done it.
But you're not obligated to gothere yet, because sometimes we
need a little more slow pace.
You know, uh, you have to go toyour own pace and you know how
that looks.
Like I love, like I said, Ilove valerie because she's a
(29:48):
cheerleader, but I can onlyimagine if she's that super
cheerleader when she's like youneed to do this shit.
Like okay, okay, right, but how?
What?
Five little nuggets, just giveme some nuggets for our audience
of how to find a good mentor.
You look at it retrospective,in the innocent young you or
(30:08):
like the not so worldly outsideevents, and why not?
How you will pick, becausenormally we pick mentors are
shiny, because brain like shiny,right.
So people will say I want to bementored by taylor swift or
bianna senor.
Like, really, no, like you know, like, like I say about the ice
, right yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Right, yeah, I think that that's a.
You know that's such a goodquestion too, because you want
to be intentional about whoyou're reaching out to and who
maybe you work with as a clientor whatever the case might be I
might.
for me, I would say probably thefirst thing for most of us
would be psychological safety,and what I mean by that is to
(30:51):
make sure that you feel safe,being seen, because that is
going to be your ceiling ofpotential is how much you're
going to let yourself be seen.
You're going to decide thatbased on who you're working with
.
So if you feel like that personis able to hold that kind of
space for you, then I would saythat's a really good.
(31:11):
That's number one.
I think Number two would be toKind of like what you mentioned.
You want to find somebody whomimics some of what you're going
for In terms of their lifestyle, in terms of how they hold
themselves, not just necessarilytitle and success.
(31:32):
I want to look at the wholepicture.
They just emulate somethingthat is reflecting something
back in you, and you aren'tquite there yet, but you admire
them for a reason or two.
And then the other piece I wantto say because this is my own
mentor that I was referencingearlier it can be really
(31:54):
valuable to find somebody who isa little different than you,
who holds some different beliefs, who looks different than you,
who has a different culture, whohas something else that they
bring to the table so that itcan round you out in experience
and open your eyes to justsomething new that maybe you
(32:16):
didn't have before.
So those are a couple of thingsthat I would say.
As far as you know, looking forthat mentor, yeah, I would go
there.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Thank you.
That's so important.
And the same mental safety orpsychological safety is so
important.
If you go with a mentor, thatis for a coach, or put the blank
here title.
Make sure that is what do youwant, right?
For example, if I want aninstructor for, and I use
(32:49):
exercise because we all relateto that, uh, if I want a coach
for exercising but I want amentor for dancing, both of them
are movement of my body, but ifone start trashing the other
one or one start saying you haveto drop everything or you.
There is no absolutes when itcomes to mentorship.
There is no absolutes to togrow.
(33:11):
And I understand in mentorshipand even in coaching, it's a
little hard because it's thewild, wild west in the sense
that they're not very regulated.
But you know, it's okay tobecome curious about not so much
credentials but credibility,right, always ask somebody else,
how do you feel with thisperson, what do you learn and
how do you got where you gotright?
(33:34):
Um, and always protect yourmental health in the sense of
like.
If you hire somebody to work inyour entrepreneurship or
somebody to work in yourstackable habits, etc.
Etc.
But then you're ending talkingabout childhood trauma and stuff
like that.
That's a red flag.
I ask you to place that on youtoo, to stay in track, right?
(33:56):
So what you will say tosomebody that two scenarios One
is the one that is like thego-getter, nothing's wrong with
me totally ignoring it, right?
And when it comes to you,you're like, I mean, I want to
work with you, you're awesome,but yeah, right, you see the
(34:16):
cloud, right, yes, how do you doin those cases?
Speaker 1 (34:20):
Really good, right.
So I for that person, thatperson is me Really good, right.
So I for that person, thatperson is me, yeah.
And because I know that thereis more inner work to be done to
make sure we're in alignment.
A lot of times you know we haveto, we have to dig underneath a
(34:43):
few of the layers.
So when we start to look atgoals, a lot of times figuring
out the why and then where doesit live in your body?
What stories are you tellingyourself?
And this can kind of we do walkdown some roads that can lead
to some childhood stories.
So, like you said, you have toknow your boundaries with this.
But even just giving somereflective questions, I'm that
(35:03):
mentor that likes to give acouple of here's a couple of
reflection questions foryourself to try to figure out
where does that come from?
Because once we can start to doa little more of that and to
soften some of those edges, wecan run.
Really, if you want to run fast, we can do that, but we have to
make sure we have really clearfocus and a really good
(35:23):
understanding of why we're doingwhat we're doing and built in
supportive habits around that.
That makes sure that you feellike this is fun and this is
good and this is easy and thisis in flow, and a lot of times
we're just pushing and pushingand pushing.
That tells me that we've gotsome other things going on and
we've got to look at the otherpieces of life, and normally
(35:44):
that comes out in conversationabout like what is also like not
working, that you would like tobe working differently, and so
then we have to focus there.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
And I admire the work of coaches because they are
more accessible to people thantherapy.
Unfortunately, you know, andalso they're less taboo.
I, if you have 10 people, nineis going to pick a coach over a
therapist, because therapist isa lot of um.
We have a lot of um, we'recalling um, negative outcome,
(36:13):
negative connotation, that like,oh my God, now thank goodness
with social media and everything.
Now it's like my nugget toeverybody that's listened you
need a therapist, you need acoach and you need a mentor, and
if you can get a personaltrainer, that will be great.
So, because you need to takecare of your body, your soul,
(36:33):
meaning your inner self, yourmind and your goals, right, if
you have that, I call it toaffect that.
But technically speak, therefore, therefore, in my, in my work,
in their work too, I think thereason why I receive all the
girls the way that I did isbecause you know, not only
because I'm a clinician, butalso as a clinician, I have to
(36:55):
go to therapy because it'smandatory for us to right.
So if you're listening, if yourtherapist doesn't go to therapy
, you'll have their own coach.
Question a little bit, rightthe same, if you have a coach
that hasn't gone through eitherone of those three question a
little bit, because how can weguide somebody if we haven't
guided ourselves out of thedarkness.
And that's what I love, Valerieand all the beautiful women
(37:28):
that are in this podcast,because all of them, they have
done the inner work.
They didn't wake up one day andsay I'm just going to be
amazing today and not thinkabout my own trauma and try not
to bring it and reflect it right.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
So no, I was going to say like that if you're an
entrepreneur or any sort of likeambitious person, you're just
going to be dealing with thisall of the time, like there's
just going to be new challengesthat hit you in the face every
once in a while.
So this doesn't end.
And again, I say thatlaughingly because I feel, like
the top leaders that I've evertalked to or work with and you
(37:55):
know this too it's like they allhave this and the longer you
put it off, the worse it gets.
So that's to your point is likehave, have these people in your
corner and start doing the workwhen you're able to.
I'm still I love therapy.
I used to be that person thatwas like I don't need that, or
was told the narrative growingup that that was for people that
(38:15):
had issues.
Well, it turns out we all haveissues, thank you, and it's been
a game changer.
It really has.
Um, the deeper I was willing togo, the more transformation
that has shown up for me.
So I love what you just sharedof like if you don't have
somebody who's also interestedin doing some of that work or
(38:38):
just is self-aware enough thatthey are going to be continually
learning, then there's aproblem, because I feel like, if
you're an entrepreneur or abusiness owner or just in a
career, like you are alwaysfinding things that you're
learning, or a parent, likethere's always new pieces that
you're learning about yourself.
Speaker 2 (38:57):
Yes, and, like I said , that's what create communities
, to make it.
All parts of you are welcomeand, like I said, we don't know
until we try it right and wedon't know until we know better,
when we do better, when we knowbetter right, when we know our
why.
Sometimes our why is I justwant to survive, sometimes our
why is I want to shine andsometimes our why I just need
(39:19):
rest.
So, for all parts of you, staytuned for the next episodes.
Valerie, thank you so much forbeing here with us where they
can find you, because I thisconversation was so good and
also I think you are the bestmentor that people can have.
So I may be a little biased,but you know like I have
(39:40):
credibility.
What do you mentor?
Speaker 1 (39:42):
what is your perfect let's say wishful, um I like to
say that my, the people I tendto work with that gravitate
toward me and that, um, mypreferred clients identify as
women, because I just have adifferent resonance and I feel
like I can guide differentlybecause, again, like I've been
(40:03):
through some of the things thaty'all have been through too, and
I always say, like I am for theself-led woman, meaning that if
you are somebody again who iskind of that go-getter, who
knows, like within herself, thatshe's made for something
different, that is my idealperson, that I love working with
and where they can find you.
(40:23):
Yeah, you can come find me onInstagram.
So on Instagram I'm atHeyValerieLynn.
You can also come find me onLinkedIn ValerieLynn on there.
And yeah, please send me arandom DM.
I love getting random messages,so if something was funny for
you or just interesting tolisten to, or you got something
from this episode, please feelfree to reach out and just slide
(40:44):
in there.
Shoot me a message.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
And if you go to our Oasis podcast Instagram, we will
have the five tips and how tofind a mentor and five tips how
to find a healthy therapist andcoach.
So please don't miss that andgo get it.
It will be available once thisnew season drops.
Thank you so much, Valerie.
My pleasure to have you.
(41:06):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
You're just the best.
I am squeezing you from here,virtual hugging you.
Speaker 2 (41:12):
Thank you so much and for everybody.
Remember be proud, be loud, beyou and all parts of you are
accepted.
Until next time.
As we conclude today's episode,take a moment to reflect.
Be proud of the journey, forevery step that brings you
(41:32):
closer to who you truly are.
Embrace the kindness towardsyourself, as you did to each one
of our guests, honor thebravery in your actions and
celebrate the importance ofmental wellness with us.
And remember it's an exercisethat we practice daily.
Continue to grow and flourish,knowing that we are in this
(41:57):
training for our mental wellnesstogether.
We are so proud to have you aspart of our community, so join
us on Instagram at our OasisCommunity Podcast for more
inspiring conversations,valuable resources and supported
content, including journals,worksheets and content in
(42:19):
Spanish.
Exciting things are in thehorizon.
Our Oasis community break roomsare coming soon to grab tools
and take a break for mentalhealth.
Also, we are featuring oursix-month training ethical
mental health coaching programdesigned for new and experienced
coaches, as well as holisticand healing professionals.
(42:41):
Enroll to create a safe andtransformative experience to
your clients.
Links in the bio.
Until next time.
Take care, stay connected andwelcome to our Oasis community.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.