Rediscovering Self-Worth: Overcoming Abuse and Embracing Mental Wellness

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, I'm Sarah Nicole .
I am a multi-passionatecreative photographer based in
Fresno, california.
I specialize in events,retreats, personal branding and
some couples here and there.
I also have a podcast called ACreative Dating, where we focus

(00:21):
on life healing and datingthrough abuse and trauma.
You can find me on InstagramSarah Nicole Creative or
Creative Dating Artist.

Speaker 2 (00:37):
Hello beautiful souls , and welcome to Oroasis
Community Podcast.
I am Dr Roldan, your host.
I am a doctor in clinicalpsychology, a BIPOC therapist
professor and a mindful somaticcoach.
While I am a therapist,remember I'm not your therapist.
This podcast is not asubstitute for professional

(00:58):
mental health care, but we haveresources in our website and
Instagram to support you in thatsearch.
We have resources in ourwebsite and Instagram to support
you in that search.
Join us for a cozy, feltconversation about mental health
, personal growth andmindfulness.
We explore tools to care foryour mind, your body and your
soul.
Check the footnotes fordisclaimer, trigger warnings and

(01:23):
additional resources for eachone of the episodes.
So grab your favorite cup oftea, coffee or hot chocolate,
wrap yourself in a warm blanketand find a coffee spot here with
us to be kind to be brave, loudand strong in your search of
mental health wellness.
Welcome to your Oasis.

(01:45):
Good morning everybody andwelcome to Our Oasis community
podcast.
As always, grab your little cupof coffee, tea or a warm or
cold, depending where you arebeverage.
We are here with Sarah Nicole,who is a multi-passionate
entrepreneur and also apodcaster.

(02:07):
I will put all her informationbelow this episode, but today we
have her journey in findingherself and how.

Speaker 3 (02:36):
Now she is an entrepreneur and a podcaster.
So, sarah, thank you so muchfor being here.
Eight years ago and that kindof that was never something that
I thought I was going to do.
I, as a kid, I wanted to be aveterinarian.
I wanted to be single no kids,never married.
Travel the world Like that wasthat was my life plan.
Life decided there were otherplans for me and we just kind of

(02:58):
learned how to embrace it rightthrough the crazy and the chaos
.
But so about eight years ago,when I was pregnant with my
daughter my now ex-husband heactually encouraged me to pick
up my camera.
Our marriage, our relationship,was very abusive, very toxic.
So the two good things I alwayssay the two good things, the
two good lessons that came outof that were my daughter and my

(03:22):
photography.
So with that, I spent the firstfew years just kind of fumbling
, figuring it out, learning howto do all the stuff as a
creative.
The business side is way moredifficult for me.
That took many years to kind oflearn how to actually do the
business side successfully.
And then about three no, fouryears ago, when I was still in

(03:44):
my marriage, I started findingthese online communities with
other women and that was kind ofmy first introduction into like
the women's empowerment spaceand truly focusing on like the
mental health space, becauseI've always been a psychology
nerd I'm actually planning ongoing back to school for
psychology next year so it'salways just kind of been

(04:07):
something there, but it was, youknow, when you were, when
you're in trauma, when you're inabuse, it's not front of mind
to think about your own mentalhealth and making it better,
because you're typically stuckin in the trauma, in in the in
the dark space that I was in.
So when I found those onlinecommunities of like-minded women

(04:32):
who are also entrepreneurs, whowere also moms and wives, you
know it was my first experienceinto that, which then also got
me into podcasting and so, like,I started guesting on podcasts
and I fell in love with it.
And then my friend Lauren and Iactually started a podcast
right during COVID.
That was my first like podcastof my own and it was about being

(04:55):
moms, moms in business.
So it was a lot of a lot ofbusiness chat, a lot of mom chat
.
And then COVID happened and itjust kind of evolved into this
COVID chaos, kind of figuringout how to do life and mom
business with COVID.
And then in 2021 is when Ifinally left my marriage and I

(05:18):
think about the first year offfrom everything.
I stopped photography, Istopped podcasting, I stopped
doing anything creative that Iwas doing and just kind of focus
on my mental health.
And then once I kind of startedgetting a grip on my mental
health and I slowly startedgetting back into it.
But I mean, you know, mentalhealth and healing it's not a

(05:41):
linear journey.
So there were a lot offallbacks and comebacks and
fallbacks and comebacksthroughout the last three years.
So this year, actually in thelast couple of months, somebody
new come into my life and hasreally helped me catapult on
focusing and pausing and pausingand between him and being in

(06:11):
therapy twice a week, that hasbeen a huge catalyst into really
being able to focus and be apresent mama and be, you know, a
very multi passionate, creativeentrepreneur.
You know like, if you'recreative, you know like if
you're creative, you know thatit's you're.
I also have ADHD, so we'regonna we're gonna try to like,
not do tangents on your show.

Speaker 1 (06:30):
Tangents are like a thing on my show all the time.

Speaker 3 (06:32):
I hate it um, but yeah, so I mean my, it's been a
very long journey um.
It's been a very rocky journeyum.
The biggest components for mein literally just being here
today um have been having a very, very strong support system of

(06:55):
like-minded women um a personwho makes sure that he helps
keep me accountable.
He is very front of mind, verypresent um and therapy oh, he
goes also to therapy, right?

Speaker 2 (07:12):
oh, he calls, oh, he keeps you accountable for
therapy it.
So I heard that you said you'renear as spicy ADHD and also
that it took you a minute to getout of a bad situation with

(07:33):
your ex, which a lot of peopledon't realize.
That when we have, say, adhd,when we have ADHD, we have
something called the rejectionparadox, meaning we take
rejection worse than anybodyelse, which it will keep you in
that loop in a toxicrelationship.
Because what is the premise ofa toxic relationship?

(07:54):
They bomb you with love andattention and then they strip
you with your self-esteem andthen, boom, either they abuse
the stars physical, emotional orsexual and we don't leave
because we know we want to leavebut we don't because we feel
like it's a rejection.
Also, it's a fixer upper dream,right?

(08:19):
We want to fix the peoplebecause nobody was there when we
needed it kind of stuff.
Fix the people because nobodywas there when we needed it,
kind of stuff.
So can you talk about more about?
Because that's a big eczema forwomen, right why you didn't
left.
Statistics show that to leaveany abusive relationship it
takes seven times that's theaverage seven times to leave,

(08:39):
right, but the outsiders theysay, oh, just leave, or blah,
blah, blah.
Right, friends try goodintentions.
But what will you tell to ourclueless friends that are in the
other side if they're dealingwith a friend or acquainted or a
loved one that is in a toxicrelationship or even in an

(08:59):
abusive relationship?
How can they help them to getout without making them feel
shame about it?
Because I know that a lot of myclients me myself I experienced
that, having an abusiverelationship, it was the shame
that we failed to say anything.
So we always say only thecolorful, nice things of the

(09:21):
partner right, nothing is wrong,everything is peachy.
And when things are not goingpeachy, we feel insulated, not
only because that's part of thecycle, but also we feel
insulated because we don't knowwhat to do.
We don't want to leave becausewe don't know how.
So what you will say to thewomen that is either in the
start of, in the middle of, andhow do you get out?

Speaker 3 (09:50):
Yeah, I mean in that, like you said, like statistics
do show, it takes typicallyseven times of trying to leave
before a woman will successfullyor a man will successfully
leave anybody in that situationin domestic abuse, you know.
And with that you know oncethat seventh time hits.
I don't remember the exactstatistics, but I know that
there is a good majority thatonce you get to that seventh or
eighth time, you're lucky tomake it out of locks.

(10:12):
Um, so it's, it's somethingthat it's.
It's hard.
It really is like you, I I did.
I did tell my girlfriends likemy, my best friend knew
everything you know.
And it was this kind of weirddichotomy where I did tell some

(10:35):
of my friends when I was anauditory processor, I'm a verbal
processor, so in order for me,nine times out of 10, to
actually process something, Ihave to have a sounding board, I
have to like call up a friendand be like, oh my God, this
just happened, what do I do?

(10:55):
Or just like vent it out, right, and so they knew.
But then it also was thisdichotomy that it got to the
point where it was like theyjust got tired of hearing it
because I wasn't listening Right, because I was still there.
So it was kind of like well,sarah, get your shit together.

(11:17):
Yeah, knock it off.
Oh, can I cuss on here?
Yes, it's okay, they're adults,you know.
Get it together and leave, or oror stop complaining it's okay,
you know but for me personally,um, there were, there were

(11:40):
multiple facets that kept me init.
Um, the biggest one was mydaughter after I had her,
because I knew how he was and Ididn't trust him to be alone
with her.
Um, cause I know he, I knew hecouldn't handle his anger, I
knew he couldn't handle hisoutbursts, I knew if he had a

(12:00):
drop of alcohol, like she was injeopardy if I was not around.
And I know money, kids and Imean I feel those are probably
the two most common factors ofnot leaving an abusive
relationship.
So for me, you know, he was acovert narcissist, so we're an

(12:24):
overt narcissist.
They, they are very, veryflamboyant, they're very
everybody, you know, loves meand they're so energetic and
charismatic.
Where he, on the other hand,was a covert, where he was just
kind of I didn't realize how,how he was, until we were about
a year in Um, and by that point,all the love bombing and all

(12:49):
the gaslighting, I was in ithook line and sinker right Like
there was no going back at thatpoint in my head Now, once, our
daughter was born in 2016,.
Um, so she was born September15th, so her birthday is
actually coming up and then wegot married September 30.
You know, he told me, he toldme for years I don't ever want

(13:11):
to get married again becausehe's divorced.
I don't ever want to getmarried again, I don't ever want
to do that.
I pushed it and after lots oftherapy, lots of self reflection
, like, I came to therealization that I pushed it to
make it like on a subconsciouslevel, to make it harder for me
to leave, which that's a wholeother mess of crazy in my head.

(13:31):
That happened, but, you know,the first time that he ever was
physical, because all of theabuse up to that point was
mental, emotional and verbal,which that is, yeah, see, here
we go, tangents, I'm kind ofgoing all over the place, I'm
sorry.

Speaker 2 (13:50):
Hold on Before you continue.

Speaker 3 (13:52):
For people who you know they're on that.

Speaker 2 (13:55):
Go ahead.
I was going to say just triggerwarning for everybody that's
listening.
Probably right now we're goingto dive to more DV and probably
other tensions.
But this is your advice that ifyou need to take care of
yourself or you're going throughthis, please go to the program
notes.
We have support groups, we havethe headlines in there and just

(14:16):
know that you're not alone.
But if right now, eitherbecause where you are or who you
are with, or where you are inyour journey of healing, you
cannot listen to this, we aretotally okay.
You can go to the next episode,or I highly recommend go to the
next episode, or I highlyrecommend go to the meditation
episode, just to ground yourself.
And I want everybody to takecare of themselves Because I

(14:37):
know when we hear things likethis we may get triggered or
bring back to that memory.
So this is your trigger warningfor everybody.

Speaker 3 (14:45):
So you know, going, going back to you know why don't
you leave?
I feel a lot of people, ifyou've, if you've been lucky
enough to never be put into anabusive situation um or an
abusive relationship, um, youdon't take into account all the
other forms of abuse, like it'snot just physical abuse.

(15:05):
Physical is the one that theoutside world sees, but there's
financial abuse.
Physical is the one that theoutside world sees, but there's
financial abuse, mental abuse,verbal abuse, emotional abuse.
You know, and that is an abuseruses those tactics early on the
love bombing, the gaslightingto get you emotionally and
mentally so invested um that youdon't feel like you have the

(15:28):
ability to leave.
Like, like with with my ex um,he brought myself forth down so
low um and drove it home.
Like you know, every time therewas a fight it would be you
know, very, very specific, veryderogatory insults um, that kept
me in that like very lowervibrational space.
Um, and was that was probablythe number one factor that made

(15:53):
it really really hard to leavewas because I didn't think I
deserved.
I thought I deserved what I got.
I didn't think I deserved to beout of this.
I didn't think I deserved to behappy or healthy or you know
all of the things that I saw inthe outside world, outside of my
marriage.
And after our daughter was born, she was about maybe three or

(16:17):
four months old and we wereliving in an RV on my parents'
property and he had beendrinking and I don't even know
what sparked this particularfight, but my son was.
My son was about seven and ahalf, almost eight, and my
daughter was you know, three orfour months old, and he started
a fight, and so I sent my sonover to my parents house and

(16:40):
within five minutes maybe, hishands were around my throat.
I was on the ground whileholding our daughter.
My dad had to physically pullhim off of me right.
I was on the ground whileholding our daughter.
My dad had to physically pullhim off of me right.
So after that, he never wasphysical again until the night

(17:00):
that I had him arrested and leftin 2021.
But in my head, anytime therewas a verbal or an emotional or
some sort of other form of abuse, my brain automatically went to
well, you didn't leave when heput his hands on you.
This is nowhere near as bad asthat.
Why are you going to leave now?
You can't leave now.
That, like, my brain tried tojustify the two, the two and why

(17:26):
?
Well, if you didn't leave now,you can't like.
If you didn't leave now, youcan't like.
If you didn't leave, then youcan't leave now.
Um and I I know I've heard thisfrom other survivors who have
come out, that's a very commonoccurrence like your brain, just
it makes you think, well, if itwasn't bad enough to leave,
then you're fine, you don't.
You're fine, you don't have toleave, um, or you know what?

(17:49):
What?
What is so bad now versus thisexperience?
That was way worse.
This is nothing compared tothat.
So, for me, finally leaving, Icouldn't even tell you.
You know, it was like I had.
I had just had enough think itwas.

(18:12):
I had gotten to the point where, oh, I remember exactly what it
was.
I was with one of mygirlfriends and we were hanging
out and we were, you know, itwas like her and her brother and
a few other friends, and theyhad a very traumatic, very
abusive childhood.
And you know they're adults andyou know I'm a mom of two, and
so they're adults and they'resitting around, you know,
drinking, hanging out withfriends, and they're just
telling these stories abouttheir abusive childhood like

(18:33):
it's these funny anecdotes,right?
And I was just like, no, that Ido not want that for my
children.
I do not want my children togrow up and be sitting around
with their friends when they'rein their 20s and their 30s and
being like, oh yeah, my dad beatthe shit out of my mom.

Speaker 1 (18:51):
Right.

Speaker 3 (18:51):
And we just went in the other room.

Speaker 2 (18:53):
Right, right, and this is what we talk about
Generational trauma.
So for some pointers of whatyou said, eight out of 10 women
will suffer an abuse, any kindof use with a romantic partner,
and that starts in high school.
An abuse any kind of abuse witha romantic partner, and that

(19:14):
starts in high school.
And so also there are patternsthat we learn from home.
What do I mean?
Our brain is designed to keepus alive, but it's really dumb.
He doesn't know what keeping usalive means.
What do I mean?
We will stay in a horrendoussituation because it's familiar
to us and it's more scary to gotry the new thing in anything.

(19:34):
Right, myself also a survivor ofdomestic abuse.
Mine was a little different inthe sense of like my girlfriends
.
But this was, we were twodifferent races.
Right, I was not the nice racebecause I'm the brown one.
Right, and my friends were likeoh no, you need to keep him

(19:55):
because blah, blah, blah.
And I was like the back of myhead was like are you kidding me
?
But then it's also if my owngroup is approving of this, what
do I expect?
Right, and the same right.
It took what?
Three hospitalizations before.
I was like this is enough, andit wasn't until the perpetrator

(20:18):
heard tried to hurt my older mom, that I react.
Right, it's always somebodyelse, it's never us, it's never
protecting us.
Which brings me to the pop topicof now.
That is very popular.
I don't know if you have heardor went to see or read.
The book ends with us uh, whichthe problem of the?

(20:39):
The movie is pretty, prettyaccurate.
Um, you have a rich guy, richwoman, pretty woman and all that
kind of stuff, and you don'trealize when the abuse happens,
like they do it sosystematically.
But the time that is so severe,you are like how did I get here
?
Right, it's that question thatwe don't blame the other person,

(21:01):
we blame ourselves.
So if you are any, any audiencethat is listening to this, there
is three things that I wouldlove for you to have.
One of those is like if youthink you are in an abusive
relationship, there is resources.
We have the hotlines, we havetheir websites and, don't worry,

(21:25):
when you go in the website, itcompletely deletes it from your
history.
Why?
Because our perpetrators, a lotof the time, they have control
over their phones, over theinternet, over the money.
How can we spend it?
Why not?
One trick that I learned isthat you go to the grocery store
and every day that you go tothe grocery store, you put, like

(21:45):
you know, in a gift card youput 10 or $15, because that just
appears as groceries.
So then you can have a littlecushion to leave.
Because one thing that peopledon't understand is like you are
dependent on the money of theother person.
Not because you don't make themthe money, it's because they
have control of everything howyou dress, how you eat,

(22:06):
depending right, how you eat,depending right.
And the other thing is like,when you go to these websites or
the hotline, they can help youto do a safety plan to escape.
They have safety plans toescape because the highest rates
of death is the day that weleave.

(22:28):
The day that we leave is when alot of women will take the risk
of dying in this.
And this is not to tell you theaudience don't do it.
This is to tell you this iswhat we need to plan it.
This is what we need to.
This is why we have so manymovies.
One of the movies that I alwaysfelt compelled to is Wanda J

(22:50):
Lowe.
I think it's J Lowe thatescapes and it has all this
elaborated plan that literallyshe goes into another person,
she becomes another person andthat story repeats.
I used to work with victims ofdomestic violence and there is
shelters where you can go, wherethere are full apartments,
where they will offer youtherapy therapy for the kids,

(23:14):
and sometimes they help you togo to court to get divorced
without being present, to dochild caring and the other thing
.
In the severe cases, we evengive a new identity to the
person, because it gets that badthat you have to become a new
person, right?
So if anybody out there is inthis situation, I want you to

(23:36):
know that you're not alone.
We hear you, we love you andthere is resources to go out of
that situation.
It does take time and if you'renot ready yet, that's okay.
If this message just hit you inthe right place, but you feel
overwhelmed of not knowing whatto do, it's okay.
There is resources andeverything happens to a

(23:58):
different time for everybody.
For some of us it took the firsttwo times, for others it took
the seventh time and for othersthey're still in it because we
have kids, because we havedependency monetarily, and the
other one because we havehistory in our own lives where
we saw this as being okay.
So, moving to more happy things, out of all this trauma and

(24:23):
traumatic events, there issomething that is called trauma
growth, meaning because we haveexpanded so much, we have so
much resilience, then now we seelife in a very different way.
Either we become morecompassionate or more cynical.
Depends if you have got therapyor you haven't.
Right.
So for you, what was yourtrauma growth?

(24:44):
What happened afterwards?
You were like, oh my God, I'mthis woman.
Oh, we tend to do all thethings because we are finally
free, scared of everything, butwe're finally free.
So what was your experience?
When you get out of thissituation?
How do you start your healing?
What experiments you did?

(25:04):
I remember that I the firstthing that I did is I I went
traveling.
I was like I running away fromthis.

Speaker 3 (25:21):
Yeah, um, I, I a lot so much like.
So that first, that first year,I I was like in and out of
therapy but I didn't, um, Iwasn't consistent.
So I, um, I was very much usingexternal, um, external coping
mechanisms.
So that first year I got, Istarted drinking really heavily,
I started going out, you know.
So.
So these were the unhealthyways that I dealt with it, right

(25:42):
, so, and I I would use theexcuse of because, because I did
a little bit of both right, Iwould use the excuse of oh well,
I, you know, I just need toforget, or I had a bad day, and
you know all these things.
So I went, I kind of went offthe deep end a little bit.
I dove, I dove into dating apps.

(26:03):
I, you know, really just triedto find a distraction in that
first year.
That first year was, you know,kind of well.
So also that first year I was,so I currently my eight to five,
I work in the homeless space,I'm a case manager at a homeless
shelter, so I've learned a lotabout that as well, you know.

(26:24):
And so that first year I wasn'tlike literally homeless on the
streets, but we were couchsurfing, we were like I lived in
a friend's RV on their propertyfor a little while.
So it was very unstable, veryunstable.
So I took that instability andI coupled it with going out, you
know, when I didn't have mykids.
Because now I, now I had freetime without my kids and it

(26:47):
wasn't, I didn't look at it asfree time.
I honestly didn't know what todo with myself because I had
been a stay at home mom for six,seven years at this point.
So it was all of a sudden Idon't have my babies.
What do I do Like?
So I would take, rather thansitting and feeling those
emotions and like processingthose emotions, I would instead

(27:11):
go out.
So that first year that wasvery unhealthy coping mechanisms
.
I was in and out like I'd kindof go to therapy, but then I
wouldn't really and I'd be likeI don't need it, we're good.
Second year, it was a lot ofself discovery, self growth.
That's when I got back into thecommunities with the other

(27:33):
women.
I started, you know, working onmeditation and breath work and
journaling.
Now, none of these wereconsistent in that second year.
So it was still a rollercoaster.
I'd do really good and then I'dfall off and I'd do really good
and something would trigger meand then I'd fall off.
And I do really good andsomething would trigger me and
then I would fall back off,right.
But I did start, you know,focusing on the self-care a

(27:57):
little bit more and you know, Idid a little bit more.
That's when I started learninglike how to be alone and that
being alone and being lonelyweren't the same thing.
Right, I had to.
I started, you know, takingmyself out on dates.
I started, um, you know,focusing on how I could take

(28:20):
care of myself.
This past year, um is when I gotreally like I and I did again a
little therapy on and off,nothing consistent.
Um, fast forward to now where Iam in trauma again a little
therapy on and off, nothingconsistent.
Fast forward to now where I amin trauma.
So I have trauma therapy once aweek where we are working on
CPT.
So I mean, I know, you know CPT.

(28:44):
But so because I was diagnosedwith CPTSD, so complex post
traumatic stress disorder forthose who may not know what that
means and right now we'reworking on cognitive processing
therapy.
So focusing on what my stuckpoints are, so what my triggers
are, what my things are, thatyou know the stories that the
narratives that I've told myselfor I've been told that have

(29:05):
been stuck in my brain like I'mtoo much, I'm not worthy.
Um, men only want you know mefor one thing.
All of these things that formedthe trauma version of myself.
Um, unlearning those.
So that has been the biggestthing that I'm also in text

(29:27):
therapy.
So for those who think, oh well, therapy is not accessible to
me, I'm a mom, I work full time,I do all these things.
I get that.
That was my excuse for a verylong time.
I used that excuse for so long,but yes, I do have first.
First of all, my trauma therapyis not even in person, it's
virtual.
So, like technology, especiallyafter COVID, everything is

(29:49):
virtual right.
I could go in person, but Ichose virtual so that I can do
it on my lunch break.
But then my second therapy isit's texting, so there's an app
that.
So this one, particularly mycompany, pays for.
So it's that financial aspectis taken away from me.
But I know there are othertexting therapies and other apps

(30:11):
.
So that one is we work on copingstrategies for, um, you know,
my daughter.
My daughter has a lot of PTSD,also from the trauma cause.
She grew up in that trauma, soyou know, and she's, and she's
also eight, so you know typicalbig emotions and learning how to
deal with them as a child.
Um, so you know we work on, youknow, our communication, my

(30:32):
communication.
I also have a 15 year old son,so dealing with high school and
you know all of those thingsthat he's going through.
So you know, focusing on copingstrategies for my anxiety, for
because I have a very anxiousattachment style that I've been
working on, you know, andunderstanding that that's my
attachment style and learningthat you know healthy

(30:54):
communication is so differentfrom what I'm used to.
And then also getting back intothe community without, without
therapy both therapies, sotrauma therapy, like coping,
coping mechanisms and strategiesand without the community of
women who, you know, are also inthe same journey of growth and

(31:18):
healing.
I don't think, actually, no, Idon't think.
I know, I know that I would notbe in the space where I am
right now and continuing, and onthat momentum, now I, you know,
having somebody also whophysically here, my friend who I

(31:40):
mentioned earlier, you know he,he's also done healing, he's,
he's also gone through his stuffum, he is my, my in-person
grounding right, like havinghaving those supports, those

(32:01):
four main supports.
You can't do it alone right, Imean you can, it'll take you a
hundred times longer and beabout 50 times harder.
But doing it alone is not yeah.

Speaker 2 (32:17):
And we were not created to do life alone ever
Right.
Yes, as many know, I'm a traumatherapist, severe trauma
therapist, and I would say Ilove sad things because you know
I deal with the darkest thingsthat can happen to a human being
and my people comes to me whenCBT cognitive behavior therapy.

(32:42):
So imagine your brain is likeoh, your feels is like a little
triangle.
So in the top of the triangleyou have your brain right, the
cognition.
What it tells you you're worthy, you're not worthy, creates
distortions of the life like oh,this happened to me because X,
y and Z right.
And then you have your feelings, which I always get so angry

(33:04):
when therapists or coaches orwhoever tells just feel your
feelings.
And I'm like people doesn'tunderstand when you say feel
your feelings, feel yourfeelings for everybody out there
, it means not naming oh, I'msad, I'm anxious, I'm this.
No, feel your feelings meansthe sensations that are in your
body.
That creates this name that wecall anxiety or excitement,

(33:27):
because they have the same bodyresponses.
The thing that changed it isthis one I'm excited because I'm
going to go in the rollercoaster.
Oh, I'm dying because I'm goingto the roller coaster.
Who gives the message thisbecause he has experience right.
So I say all that just to tellpeople that there is so many
therapy styles out there.

(33:47):
But if you're going to therapy,we have text therapy, we have
video therapy, we have in-persontherapy and then when you
already pick which flavor youlike of how you want to get it,
kind of like think, do I want togo to the restaurant delivery?
Or I drive through Same conceptright, it's to nourish your

(34:09):
soul.
Now with that it comes whatkind do I need?
Sometimes we're not ready to dothe talk therapy, and that's
okay.
We are ready, maybe to join agroup.
For example, there is groupsfor survivors If you have been
in a narcissistic situation or apartnership.
That is the CODA meetingscodependency, anonymous and I

(34:30):
know people's like I'm notcodependent or like we have
attachment styles, that theywere broken or they were
modified due to this experience.
So, yes, we are.
We are so codependent.
We put people in pedestals justbecause our brain hasn't
learned yet to not do that right.
The other one that I highlyrecommend there is a Welcome

(34:53):
Home book.
Oh my God, that book.
It talks like what you talkabout Form the pillars of your
home because you have to gothrough demolition and create a
new mansion.
We don't change the roots perse.
We change why you are going toput your house, where you're
going to put your walls, and allthat so for you, sarah, where

(35:17):
were your?

Speaker 1 (35:18):
walls.

Speaker 2 (35:19):
What was that?
You find that was difficultOnce you were out, once you
realized, okay, this is notcoping skills, this is
self-destructive.
What was the walls that youfound?
Because being a mom, astay-at-home mom, after seven
years joining the workforce isreally hard.
For example, women that justtake a year off from work.

(35:43):
It takes 10 times worse time toget a new job, any job, right.
So what kind of walls do youhave that you basically broke?
Because what you're seeingright now in me is the success
story, right, the survivor story, but not everybody gets the

(36:04):
same tool at the same time.
We have to break wallsdifferently, two at the same
time.
We have to break wallsdifferently.

Speaker 3 (36:13):
So what was, let's say, the wall that you say I
break this wall and after thatis my healing journey, start
like I catapult myself forhealing um, I mean, I would say
it, say it was honestly when,when I focused on myself and

(36:43):
like how to, I stopped focusingon making other people happy, I
stopped focusing on thecodependency, I stopped focusing
on like, if I do xyz, like,will they, will they love me,
will they care about me, willthey like?
I had to stop focusing on otherpeople and focusing on myself

(37:07):
because I know, like, I talkedto a lot of people who are also,
you know, trauma survivors,abuse survivors.
Um, I comment, a commonalitythat I've found is that we're
all people pleasers.
So like I refer to myself now.
It's like a recovering peoplepleaser.
Yeah, like I still, I stilllike to make people happy, like,

(37:30):
right, you know, one of my, oneof my love languages is like
taking care of people.
But like we're we're actuallyworking on that one right now in
like my texting therapy too, tobe like, okay, well, is that?
Is that because I'm a mom, so I, I have to take care of people?
Um, is it because I was forcedto take care of people and I

(37:53):
didn't know anything else?
Or is it because that'ssomething that I actually enjoy?
Um, and for me, I do actuallyenjoy it, so I get, I get joy in
bringing other people joy andhappiness.
The difference now is it'sappreciated and it's welcomed.

(38:13):
Versus when I was in the abuseand in the trauma.
It was a survival mechanismmechanism, right, like I did it
so that I didn't get thingsthrown at me because I didn't do
the dishes, right, you know.
So it it's.
It was really focusing on whorediscovering, rediscovering who

(38:37):
I actually am and what Iactually enjoy Um, because I
feel like that is probably oneof the biggest things that
survivors have in common is weare stripped down to the bare
minimum in the beginning, withyou know the charisma, the again
, the manipulation of thepartner, and then they rebuild

(39:01):
you how they want you.
Yep, you don't get to choosewho you are.
When you're in the trauma, whenyou're in the abuse, you are not
your own person.
You are the person they createdyou to be, however that looks.
So really breaking that downand finding out what actually
brings me joy and over the lasttwo months, has really been the

(39:27):
point where I started embracingthat so so remember, it's been a
three, three and a half yearjourney and I am still barely
now getting to the point whereand I am still barely now
getting to the point where, yeah, I'm a lot, but that's okay.
And am I really a lot?
Or is it just that I embracewho I am and I don't focus on

(39:57):
how it makes other people feelRight?

Speaker 2 (40:00):
right.
Thank you for that.
And just a tip for the audienceregarding the love languages.
I always tell my clients yeah,discover your love language,
because you know what.
That's how you have to loveyourself, not other people.
For example, you say I like todo acts of service and love
affirmation and we're likeperfect.

(40:20):
That means love, acts ofservice to you and words of
affirmations to you.
And the hardest part isbelieving them.
Right when we say I'm worthnothing against the mantras, but
I I, as a survivor, I will tellyou that a lot of us want to
say I'm worthy, I'm blah, blah,blah, and it's like, no, I'm not
.

(40:40):
But the trick is, you change.
I for we, when you have aperson that is helping you in a
group and you say we arepowerful, we are worthy.
We believe it because, aspeople pleasers, we want to
please the other person too.
So this is a way that you cando mantras Think about your kids

(41:02):
, think about that friend, thinkabout the family member that
you love or care, and sometimesit's even fictitious kind of pop
culture figures that you say weare worthy, we're granted
happiness, we are loved.
Why?
Because when we are in acommunity, it's easier to go
through the darkness right.

(41:23):
So, to make it all in a prettybow, what it will be?
Three things or some kind oftips to either the person that
is in the thick of it and theperson that is out of it.

Speaker 3 (41:47):
Okay, you cut out again, oh my goodness, I'm sorry
.

Speaker 2 (41:51):
I don't know if it's my internet, but I apologize for
that because I know there is adelay.
So I was asking what threelittle nuggets can you leave us
with?
Something for people that is init and people that is already
out, something that you wishsomebody would have told you
back then?

Speaker 3 (42:14):
Okay.
So, first and foremost, if youare in it, if you are going
through it, um, you're not alone, right You're.
You're not alone on so manylevels there are.
You're not alone in the factthat there are other people
going through it that you don'tknow.
Like I did not know, like whenI started advocating the people

(42:39):
who have come up to me and beenlike you helped me get out of
this because you talked aboutwhat you did and how you got out
I never would have thought theywere going through the same
thing I was going through.
Right, you're not alone in thefact that there are other people
going through it trying tofigure it out.
And you're also not alone inthere are people who are willing

(42:59):
to help you get out.
So you know, sarah mentionedearlier about services.
So if it's something like thedomestic violence website, you
know there is a quick exit.
It does erase.
You can just go in and back itout.
That's fine there.
Look for local resources.
There are people in thecommunity who you know we do

(43:22):
this type of thing on a dailybasis.
My three little nuggets, mythree little takeaways that I
have for you.
Number one especially if you'recurrently in the thick of it.
You are not alone.
You are not alone in the sensethat there are other people
going through it, um, and theyare also trying to survive and
trying to figure out how to getout, um, and you are not alone

(43:46):
in the sense that there arecommunity programs, there are
national programs, there areresources, um, so you're not
alone.
Um, you, man, let's see, youare, are.
You are worthy, and I know thatsounds so cliche and that
sounds so just.
You know, roll it off your back.

(44:08):
But one thing that it reallyreally took me a very long
understand is that I am.
I am amazing, right, I amfreaking amazing.
I am worthy of being loved bymyself, right?

(44:32):
Not by somebody else In abuse.
You're so torn down, you.
I didn't love myself because Ibelieved everything that I was
told by my ex-husband.
So, learning that you, as aperson standing alone, you are

(44:53):
worthy of literally everything.
You're worthy of being loved.
You're worthy of having success, whether that look be financial
or travel, whatever successlooks like to you, you deserve
it.
You're worthy of it, literally,just by existing.
Just by existing would probablybe.

(45:28):
You can't do it alone.
You can't trust in a communityor a friend or a family member.
Therapy, um, honestly, go totiktok, go to instagram, search
in healthy relationships,healthy communication, um,
survival after abuse.
You know, there's so many littlekeywords that you can plug in
there and just getting thatpositivity in your body on a

(45:49):
daily basis, like we spend somuch time doom scrolling.
Make that doom scroll useful,because what your brain believes
, whatever you tell it, and ifyou're sitting there and you're
telling it, I'm not worthy, I'mnot lovable, I'm not beautiful,
I'm not special, I'm not all ofthese things your brain is going

(46:12):
to find truth and proof in theuniverse to show you those
things.
So, instead of doom scrollingand just looking at mindless
things or looking at you knowcause I understand I did a lot
of the like oh, I relate to this, I lived this but you're
keeping yourself in that mindframe of the abuse.
So instead turn it around andstart looking at healthy

(46:35):
communication, healthyrelationships.
Um, one of my biggest thingswas I loved watching all the
little happy couples doing thelittle things right and so
learning that there is healthylove and healthy relationships.
That was one of the biggestthings for me.

Speaker 2 (46:53):
Good.
Thank you so much for that.
For my part, what I learned isthe same.
You cannot.
My part, what I learned is thesame.
You cannot and I cannot repeatthis.
You cannot do it alone.
There is resources that arethere for a reason because we
can help you Two.

(47:16):
Once you're out of it, we needto relearn what a loving
relationship is.
For me, it took like a whilebeing all by myself, but one
thing that Jeff's kiss it was Iwill take.
When you know I was getting ina relationship that was past the
six months a year that wasgetting serious.
I will take them to familytherapy with me.
Why?
To learn how to communicate.
To learn your baggage.

(47:37):
To learn my baggage and see ifit even works.
Learn your baggage.
To learn my baggage and see ifit even works.
To tell you the times that thatsaved me, or saved both of us.
Right For being in a yes, welike each other, we have
feelings for each other, butwe're not good for each other
for multiple reasons.
Right, and then the other thingthat I can tell you is, like,
what you think is your type isyour trauma.

(48:00):
There's not such a thing.
What you think, oh the bad boy,or think is your type, is your
trauma.
There's not such a thing.
What you think, oh the bad boy,or whatever, is my type, there
is not such a thing as your type.
The type is just the responseof a trauma, and I had to learn
that when I went to therapymyself, right?
Second thing if you go to atherapist that is not going
through therapy or some kind oflike growth, please don't.

Speaker 3 (48:18):
Yes, yes, if your therapist does not have a
therapist, that's not thetherapist for you.

Speaker 2 (48:23):
Yeah, that's not the therapist for you.
You know, I always tell myclients number one question did
my therapist go through therapy?
Why?
Because we observe a lot ofthings, so we need to take those
things out.
Not that your things are toomuch, it's just.
You know, if I'm going throughtherapy, I hope my therapist
knows what I'm doing, right andgoing through the same thing.
But yes, so, number one, findcommunity.

(48:46):
Number two, find a provider,coach or whatever that is
available to you, becausesometimes, it is true, we don't
have available things.
And also, for everybody that'slistening, there is and I will
put it in the notes too there isthis free app that is called
6,000 Thoughts a Day, and it'salmost like you put your

(49:07):
thoughts there and it's likebaby cognitive therapy super
helpful.
And it's free For everybody else.
There is groups like CODA.
There is group for survivors.
Because you will say groupslike CODA, there is group for
survivors because you will say Idon't want to go hear the sad
stories.
It's not because you go hearthe sad stories.
What we go there is you see theworst of you, meaning the thick

(49:30):
of it, then you see how ittakes to get out and then you
see what it looks like whenyou're out right.
So you see the whole spectrum,which it gives you hope because,
believe me, no matter how darkit looks like, there is light
outside of the tunnel.
I'm not saying you will nothave to climb in shit to get out

(49:50):
of the tunnel right, you haveto.
But once you're out, you'relike oh my god, I can take a
shower and go back in.
And I say all this because wefeel ashamed, we feel like it
was only us that we are broken.
That is something wrong with us.
And I love this Asian proverbwhere it has a cup or a piece of

(50:15):
beautiful dish and then youbreak it and we think, oh, the
dish is destroyed because it'sbroken.
And no, they break differentones and then they form a new
one and they put the littlecracks with gold.
And I was like that is the mostbeautiful allegory, that, yes,

(50:37):
we are the trauma of ourgenerations, meaning mom,
grandma, we carry that with us.
It takes seven generations toclaim generational trauma, and
then it ends with us.
It ends with us because we arethe ones that are going to
therapy, we're the ones that arehealing, and sometimes in that
healing you will have to let goof certain people, including

(51:00):
family members, because noteverybody has been healed and
everybody's in their own road.
But what you are not going todo anymore is people pleasing
others, making yourself small,or people pleasing others by
saying, no, I'm not going toshine, I'm not going to do the
thing, because you are meant formore.
You are meant to do greatthings in this life.

(51:22):
Even though right now it feelslike there is no escape, there
is escape.
Slowly but surely, you will getout and once you get out, you
get your book.
One of my favorites is EmotionalParents.
This one is such a good book.
Go ahead.

(51:42):
And the other one that I loveis there you go.
Nonviolent communication oh, Ilike that.
This one if you learn to yourparties, because nobody teaches
this right.
Because unfortunately,depending on your background, we
learn violent communication,because that's the only way that
we survive colonization andslavery, etc.

(52:05):
So those two, if you want tostart anywhere, and if you
notice this one is not likegoing to blame your partner or
anything, this is more like I'mreading it because I want to
learn about my parents, blah,blah, blah.

Speaker 3 (52:18):
So because I know it's scary, want to learn about
my parents, blah, blah, blah.
So, because I know it's scary,so can I really quickly because
so I.
So that that was one thing Ithought about later too.
So there, if you are, like inthe beginning of it, there is
one book and it's I have.
I have it on audio and physicalso I can listen to it and read
it.
It's in the other room Ithought it was in my desk but
it's not and so it's called theInner Work and I am obsessed

(52:43):
with that book.
And then there's a second onecalled the Inner Work of
Relationships.
So, if you are, the Inner Workis great for like really trying
to learn and understand, becauseone of the other things too is
you have to learn and understandwhat your attachment style is
right.
Understanding how you actuallypresent yourself and how you

(53:03):
receive other people is huge,because if you don't know if
you're an anxious avoidant, anavoidant, an anxious, whatever
style you are you cannot learnhow to become a secure
attachment style in any sense.
So that's been one of thebiggest ways that I've actually,
in my independent study, um,kind of learned what my

(53:26):
attachment style is and like howI have to be responsible for
myself.
Um, but yeah, so that that's.
I love those books.
Those books are amazing.

Speaker 2 (53:37):
Perfect.
And, like I said, uh, I said,uh, well, welcome home or at
home.
Uh, we're gonna put all thosebooks recommendations in the
notes.
Uh, if not, I will put it inthe instagram, where you can
find us out, or oasis communitypodcast instagram.
I will post them there.
I also post them in spanish inmy own personal, uh, instagram.

(53:57):
That is dr Roldan, but that'sin Spanish, just FYI, it's all
in Spanish.
And once again, thank you somuch for the warm talk and for
everybody.
Stay safe and remember allparts of you are welcome, no
matter how dark they seem to you, there is always light outside

(54:19):
of this tunnel that we call life.
As we conclude today's episode,take a moment to reflect, be
proud of the journey, for everystep that brings you closer to
who you truly are.
Embrace the kindness towardsyourself, as you did to each one
of our guests, honor thebravery in your actions and

(54:44):
celebrate the importance ofmental wellness with us.
And remember it's an exercisethat we practice daily.
Continue to grow and flourish,knowing that we are in this
training for our mental wellnesstogether.
We are so proud to have you aspart of our community, so join

(55:05):
us on Instagram at OasisCommunity Podcast for more
inspiring conversations,valuable resources and supported
content, including journals,worksheets and content in
Spanish.
Exciting things are in thehorizon.
Our Oasis community break roomsare coming soon to grab tools

(55:27):
and take a break for your mentalhealth.
Also, we are featuring oursix-month training ethical
mental health coaching programdesigned for new and experienced
coaches, as well as holisticand healing professionals.
Enroll to create a safe andtransformative experience to
your clients.
Links in the bio.
Until next time, take care,stay connected and welcome to

(55:54):
our Oasis community.

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