February 5, 2025 • 53 mins
In episode 15, I'm exploring the journey of reclaiming one's voice after experiencing trauma. Sharing my personal story of abuse, the deep-rooted effects of silence, and actionable steps to empower YOU to find your authentic selves. In this episode I'm covering...
• The silence around trauma and its impact on self-worth
• Recognizing signs of a silenced voice
• The importance of self-compassion and patience in healing
• Practical steps for expressing emotions and setting boundaries
• The ongoing journey of reclaiming one's voice and celebrating resilience
• Encouragement for sharing experiences and finding community support
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Have you ever felt like there's a literal force
field around your throat, likekeeping you from saying what you
want to say?
Are there times that you'veever felt like saying yes, but
what you really wanted to do wasscream no?
If you identify with this inany way, this episode's for you.
Statistics show that one inthree women have been a victim
(00:27):
of some sort of abuse orviolence in their lifetime, and
you know what Low-key it's.
Probably greater than that, andmany like me carry these scars
invisibly.
I remember a time when I was inhigh school where I literally
was having sex with a man well,a boy, because he was a little
boy and I was a little girl.
I was 14 and he was 15 or 16.
But every single time I wantedto say no and I didn't, and I
(00:52):
let him basically just use mybody as a masturbation tool, and
I want to share more about thatstory in just a moment.
The important thing to recognizethat we all know is that abuse
doesn't just leave physicalscars.
Of course, the trauma happensin our brain.
Literally, read anything byGabriel Matei or the Body Keeps
the Score.
I forgot the name of thatauthor, but I will post it in
the show notes.
What we do know is that abuseand trauma silences your soul,
(01:15):
and that's what I want to talkabout today is those of us whose
soul has been silenced by yearsof abuse.
Our voice is our birthright andwe're going to take it back In
this episode.
I want to dive deep into thevery hidden wounds of abuse and
really discover how to unleashthe power within you.
That's something that I've beenworking on literally for my
(01:36):
whole life and I'm 48, so all ofmy life.
Basically, if you've ever feltlike your life doesn't matter,
your voice doesn't matter,nothing you say or do matters,
this episode is for you.
If you felt like your thoughtsand your feelings are
insignificant, this episode isfor you.
If you felt like what's thepoint of even sharing, this
(01:56):
episode is for you.
I want this episode to be asafe space for both healing and
empowerment.
But first let me introducemyself.
Hey y'all.
My name is Grace Sandra.
I'm an author, an activist, anadvocate and a mom.
You could be literally anywherein the world that you're here
with me, and I cannot tell youhow grateful, truly, truly
grateful, I am for that.
This podcast is a hope-orientedstorytelling space.
(02:17):
A warm hug of solidarity fromme to you.
It is a celebration of ourresilience and our determination
to not just survive but tothrive.
Welcome.
First, let me tell y'all a story.
The first time that I wasabused, I was sexually assaulted
and I was three.
I don't remember.
Thank God I don't remember.
(02:37):
I've probably blocked out I'veactually blocked out a lot of
the abuse that I endured upuntil I was 11.
I was sexually assaulted by mydad for the first, you know,
whatever three years old to 11years old, and the only reason I
know about it is because mysister told me that the way that
I responded when it was time tobe handed over to my dad who
was not her dad, so she wasn'tcoming with me during my dad's
(02:59):
custodial times and then, when Icame back, she reported that
she told my mom later on that myvagina was always really red
and really swollen.
She was a lot older than me, bythe way, so I think she was 11
or 12 when I was born, so shewas still a kid herself.
But she remembered, and I'm sothankful that she remembered,
(03:20):
because I think that it givesinsight into how conditioned
that abuse was for me.
So, as I grew up experiencingwhat I was doing, experiencing
with my dad.
He was, I'm trigger warning,first of all for those of you
who experience any form ofsexual assault.
I should have said that earlier.
My apologies.
My dad was slow and calculatedwith the way that he actually
(03:42):
carried out the sexual abuse andI wasn't going into it
screaming, crying, thrashing.
I was often quote unquote awilling participant.
I was so conditioned to it, itfelt normal to me.
Actually, I just thought thisis what daddies and daughters do
.
Seriously, he had me actuallybelieving that I was asking for
it.
Oh, child.
(04:03):
But anyway, by the time I toldmy mom that it was happening, I
hadn't thought well, there hasno, okay, that's not true.
There was one time I did thinklike maybe this is wrong and
that's because I saw acommercial.
So I'm, hold on, I'm gettingahead of myself.
I was born in 76.
(04:23):
And for those of you who are oldenough to remember, y'all
remember all the commercials inthe 80s about AIDS.
There were so many commercialsabout AIDS.
I do remember one time, after aspecific sexual encounter, like
recalling some of thecommercials about AIDS and
wondering if my dad was going togive me AIDS, which is just
really a funny thought becauseI've barely ever thought about
that before, but anyway I hadthat one time that I thought
(04:47):
that thought, but other thanthat I didn't even think to tell
my mom anything, or anyone else, anything that was going on,
because of how much my dad madeit believe it was just this
normal part of what we didtogether.
So I didn't actually end uptelling my mom until I saw a tv
commercial and in the commercialcommercial they said they
showed like a little girl andthey showed her in a bikini and
it like pointed to the privateparts and it was like if you're
(05:10):
being touched in these areasthen you should tell a trusted
adult.
And so I just very casuallytold my mom.
I walked into her room.
It was the middle of theafternoon, it was an afterschool
special which, thank God youknow.
I wish I could find out whoproduced that after-school
special, but it was a storyabout a little girl who was
being bribed by her.
I don't even know if it was hermom's boyfriend or maybe an
(05:31):
uncle or someone who who wastrusted, and the actual
after-school special was abouthim taking her to get gifts to
keep her quiet about the abusethat she was enduring.
And that's what my dad wasdoing to me.
He was taking me to buy, takingme to Canada, because we live
in Detroit, so it's just a quickhop, skip and a jump over to
Canada to buy clothes and buythings.
And he was completely bribingme into these behaviors with if
(05:53):
you do this, if we do this, thenyou get that.
And I was, like I said, veryconditioned, very much a willing
participant.
I was like, okay, daddy, thisis what we do.
So when I told my mom, I didn'teven tell her like it was a big
deal, I just said, you know, Ijust saw this special.
And they told me that ifsomeone was touching me here and
(06:14):
there, that I should tellsomeone.
And I'll just never forget shewas laying in bed.
I went into her room and it wasdark in there.
It was like late afternoon, shewas sleeping and I just was
like mom, I gotta tell yousomething.
And she was dark in there.
It was like late afternoon, shewas sleeping and I just was
like mom, I gotta tell yousomething.
And she was like what you know?
And she was just laying thereand I told her and I'll just
never forget, she sprung up inbed so fast, so fast, like she
(06:35):
shot up and I don't remember.
Literally the memory iscompletely goes blank, like the
eye shut, just goes blank and Idon't remember anything more.
But all I know is that rest ofthe day.
I don't remember anything morefrom the rest of the day except
that it was chaotic.
I remember she was callingpeople, she was telling people,
she took my sister down in thebasement and told her.
(06:56):
I remember she took my brotherdown in the basement.
She told him they all just keptlooking at me and going like
this, which was also confusingbecause I felt like, am I in
trouble?
Nobody really clarified that Ireally wasn't in trouble.
It was very confusing.
I think at that time I mighthave been nine or 10 or 11.
Honestly, I kind of don'tremember.
I need to look back at courtrecords, but I'm pretty sure I
(07:19):
was 10 because when we finallywent to court I was 11.
Anyway, I won't go into thewhole rest of that story because
that's not the point of this,but basically my mom did report
him, I testified, we went tocourt.
It was a very hard, sad day.
I've written about it and Iwould like to actually write
more about that whole story.
But for now, he went to prisonthat very day, like well,
(07:43):
actually, you know what mymemory is jacked up because I
don't remember how manydifferent days I testified, but
at the end of it he went toprison.
I remember seeing him gettingcuffed and carried off not
carried off, but walking off andI remember that last look he
gave me was like a glare ofdeath, like you ratted us out,
that kind of look, and I justremember being like so confused,
so confused.
(08:04):
So back to the story.
I wanted to tell y'all becauseof that that silenced me.
I would say that that instance,those years of enduring that
from my dad, silenced me for somany years now.
Let me just first say, becauseI can feel myself getting
emotional right now, which iscrazy sauce because I have
talked about this, I've spokeabout this, I've spoke
(08:25):
nationally, I've spoken onnational stages about this, I
have spoken to college studentsfor several years.
That was part of my job.
I actually am a speaker andI've done several speaking
engagements.
So the fact that I'm gettingemotional now after telling this
story, probably literally ahundred times, is kind of wild.
I am also in perimenopause, asI've told y'all before, and I'm
(08:46):
such a cry baby Perimenopausehas made me a cry baby so if I
cry again in this episode, it'snot because it's re-traumatizing
me all over again, I'm just.
I'm very close to my emotionsright now and I feel them very
deeply.
Even just telling y'all that ismaking me emotional.
(09:06):
But anyway, what I wanted totell y'all about how that
silenced me was that for so manyyears I lived with men, lived
in proximity to all the men inmy life, whether they were
teachers, little boys on mystreet.
You know, as I was growing up,anybody who was interested in
dating me or kissing me, youknow, in any way that I was
around gendered men.
I lived without a voice andwhat that looked like, if you're
(09:28):
like, okay, what does that looklike?
What it looked like for me is Ifelt like I literally couldn't
say no.
My orientation was so muchabout keeping I'm just gonna
call them gendered men, keepinggendered cishet men, because
that was all I was interactingwith.
I didn't have any gay guyfriends growing up at least I
didn't know it and they weren'tout if I did.
But my whole orientation waskeeping gendered cishet men
(09:51):
happy, content, not violent.
Keeping them contented.
Like I said, I also grew up witha brother who was pretty
violent.
There was a few instances ofreal light assault from him not
sexual, physical, but he was aviolent presence in my household
.
He was one of the instances oftrauma of my childhood.
So between him and my dad'ssexual abuse, I think the idea
(10:16):
of gendered men was always somuch like I just have to do
whatever it takes to keep themhappy or else I'm not going to
stay alive Again.
I cannot believe I'm gettingemotional about this when I've
talked about it so many times,else I'm not going to stay alive
Again.
I cannot believe I'm gettingemotional about this when I've
talked about it so many times.
I just want you to know I'vehealed.
Okay, I have healed.
I'm not like this is not thefirst time I'm saying this.
This is so I feel like I'malmost feeling shame about
(10:39):
feeling emotional right now.
Anyway, y'all, but when I got tohigh school know there were,
there were guys who you know Iwas considered conventionally
pretty.
You know I was the you know Iwas also.
I was raised in the 80s andthat was like the height.
It feels like that was like theheight of light-skinned long
hair and I was literallylight-skinned, long hair with
thick legs.
That's what all I ever heard.
(10:59):
Damn girl you, light-skinned,with long hair, with them thick
legs because I was a toothpickand I had no booty and no boobs
at all, but I did have the thicklegs that I heard about all the
time.
I just, you know, I was a lot of, I was the object of a lot of
desire and I just never feltlike I could say no.
So, you know, I did learn howto get out of circumstances.
I learned what kind of men tonot be around.
(11:22):
I think I learned from a veryyoung age to trust my gut at
least a little bit, with who'ssafe and who's not.
I feel like I could tell prettyquickly as a result of being
around a brother who was violentboth verbally and physically,
and because of my, my dad.
I think I did learn like thekind of faces y'all know it the
kind of faces that men make whenthey're sexually violent people
(11:45):
.
You, you, you know it when yousee it and as a woman, and
especially as a black woman likeyou, can never, ever, ever,
deny us that gut level,intuition that we have, that we
know when we see I was, for themost part doing a pretty good
job at just staying out ofcircumstances, because I knew
when I, after my dad, went toprison when I was 11, I was not
(12:05):
interested in sexuality, youknow.
I know they love to make it seemlike little girls are fast, but
little girls are not fast,they're just trying to figure
out how to survive and they'vebeen sexualized.
This is not rocket science, butanyway, there was a little boy
who when I was 14 I was either13 or 14 and like it was a bunch
of couples and we were in a carand he, like just started
(12:27):
reaching for my titties and thenhe just pulled them out and
started sucking on them and Iwasn't turned on, I didn't like
it.
You know, I barely even had anytitties when I was 13 or 14.
I had barely an, a cup, but Ididn't like it and I just felt
like I couldn't say no.
I felt like, well, this is whathe want to do and he says he
cares about me, which he did, sohe's just sucking on my titties
(12:51):
in the back of a car.
And I was just like what do Ineed to do to get out of this
situation?
But then like, and I'm not evensure.
I don't even remember whathappened after that.
But then, like the next two days, like all I could hear about in
school was that I was a hoe andthat I let him suck my titties
in the back of a car and I eventhen y'all I remember being like
you know, I was a juniorfeminist in the making, but even
(13:12):
then I was just like, well, whyisn't he a hoe?
Because I'm probably not thefirst titties that he sucked in
the back of a car like, why am Ithe hoe?
I didn't even like it, I didn'teven want him to suck my
titties in the back of a car.
Like it just happened.
I just felt like it was sounfair for me to be the one that
got called a freak and a hoewhen he was the one who
(13:32):
initiated the behavior.
That was like my first likeentry level into, like girl.
You got to be way more carefulbecause, number one, these
ninjas will betray you.
They will betray you, you know.
But also, what actuallyhappened doesn't matter.
What actually happened is thatI didn't want that to happen and
it still happened and I stillgot called a hoe and I was
(13:53):
embarrassed and also I'm makinglight of it.
But I felt so much shame aboutthat.
Once it got around school andonce the kids started mocking me
, I did feel a lot of shame andI cried okay.
And once the kids startedmocking me, I was, I did feel a
lot of shame and I cried Okay.
So then then I think the nextboyfriend I had after that and
Chaldea was cousins too, or atleast they was play cousins.
(14:16):
But my next boyfriend afterthat, you know, we, we, we went
all the way and it was.
You know, it took like a good,it took like a long time.
It took a long time, y'all, butthat's not the point.
But by the time we actually didthe deed I was not enjoying it
at all and I remember the firstcouple times I felt like it was
the equivalent of death.
I know that might sound crazy,but you know, just consider my
(14:39):
background.
I didn't have.
When I was 14 years old Ididn't have any sex drive.
I know some 14 year olds do.
I've talked to my othergirlfriends about this, like,
hey, when you were 14, were youhaving sex?
Did you have a sex drive?
Some of them have said they did.
I didn't at all, and because ofwhat I went through, I was
pretty afraid and I was rigidand dry and not wanting it.
(14:59):
So when we were doing it it wasoften excruciatingly painful,
not to mention he was 15 or 16.
He wasn't trying to actuallysatisfy me.
He wasn't like doing anythingthat leads to sexual
satisfaction, if y'all know whatI'm talking about.
So it was just in and out,basically, and it was
excruciating painful physicallypainful.
(15:22):
But I remember afterwards I wasalways in some level of like
deep psychological pain.
Let me also add on to that I wasgoing to a Christian school.
I had been going.
My mom had been sending me to aBaptist church for my whole
life.
I had been part of Awanas.
Approved workmen are notashamed of the gospel of Jesus
(15:45):
Christ.
Okay, awanas is a program forkids where you go every
Wednesday night and you memorizeBible verses, and a good number
of those Bible verses are abouthow, if you have sex before
you're married, god hates you.
Okay, you're going to hell.
So I had years of religiousconditioning about the role of
(16:05):
sex and what God hates anddoesn't hate, and it was almost
always on women, of course.
So I had all all that, pluswhat my dad had did to me, and I
had no voice.
No voice when I think aboutthat time.
There were several times when Itold people like I really don't
like this, I hate, hate it.
I actually, for the first timein my life, had thoughts of
(16:27):
wanting to die.
That was after we had had sexfor the first time.
The thoughts of wanting to diewere actually like crystallized
in my mind.
I had never thought that before.
It was the first time in mymind.
I thought this is, life is badenough, that I don't want to
live anymore.
I was telling friends and a lotof them were saying, well, why
don't you break up with him?
Why don't you say no?
And I just was like how, how?
(16:53):
So there were a few times whereI literally went into the
sexual encounter with himthinking I'm going to say no
this time.
I'm going to say no, I don'twant to, and I would lay there
like a board, like I always did,just taking it, and he would
just be doing it and I would betrying to articulate the word no
and I couldn't get it out.
(17:13):
It was literally like it waslike somebody put tape over my
mouth or something.
I couldn't get it out.
I know I can't even tell youthat that was the time we were
sexually active was like maybenine or ten months, and I never
once was able to say no, not onetime.
And so what I did was this iscrazy, this is crazy y'all.
(17:34):
What I did was I set upcircumstances so that we would
get in trouble, like have youever heard a teenage girl do
this before in your life?
I actually literally one timecalled his dad, called his dad
to come over to my house and Iwas like, oh, can you pick up
so-and-so because his son,because my car broke, I can't
(17:57):
bring him home, or somethinglike that, I don't remember.
And I told him to come to theback door and I made sure that
me and his son were in thebasement on the floor just
getting done, timing it.
So when his dad came to pickhim up and I'll never forget,
his dad came.
And, by the way, let me alsosay his dad was like a really
popular, really very popularChristian minister, producer,
(18:22):
radio vj or something.
I don't even know what exactlyhis job was, but he was really
well known Christian leader, Iguess I'll just say that.
So, and this was like his oldestson, so I was just expected him
to be like you will never seeher ever again, because you're
down here fornicating.
And I do remember he did yellat him, he did yell at me and he
did yell at my mama a littlebit.
(18:42):
I mean, like it was wasappropriate.
It wasn't like terriblescreaming and swearing, he was
just like this is terrible, thiscould never happen again.
Y'all cannot be, y'all cannotbe having sex down here in the
basement, like what is wrongwith y'all.
And I was just like, oh my god,this is perfect, because now
he's gonna be grounded, now wecan never see each other.
And and nothing happened afterthat, literally nothing there.
(19:03):
There was no protection for me.
I was seeking protection.
There was no protection.
So then I went to my school andI told my principal Now here's
another extra layer my principalhad worked for my boyfriend's
dad.
They were friends, they werefriends.
So I told my principal I'mhaving sex with my boyfriend.
I hate it, I don't like it, Idon't want to do it anymore.
(19:24):
I mean also, I'm trying to, I'mmaking light of this, but I
said this through tears andanguish.
Okay, y'all, I said it throughtears and anguish and I remember
.
I literally will never forgetwhat I looked like, where we
were sitting, what he said hewas just.
(19:46):
He said to me Grace, you know,I'm so sorry because it seems
like your boyfriend is addictedto your body.
I was just like, yeah, and Iwas thinking, so, what are you
gonna do about it?
Like I'm asking for help.
I clearly don't know how to getout of this situation.
When I look back, you know, it'slike I can see I was silenced,
but I was also advocating formyself and none of these
grown-ass men around me wereinterested in helping me.
I'm not sure if they understoodthat.
I felt like I couldn't get outof it, but I finally got out of
(20:08):
that situation.
It took years and years, andyears and years.
We were so embroiled in eachother's lives.
It took probably four and ahalf years, but I finally got
out of it only because I justpivoted to someone else and just
was like, listen, I'm withsomeone else, I can't, I, I
can't anymore.
And and he went to collegebefore me and then, you know, he
started cheating with otherchicks and it it was for the
(20:29):
best, honestly.
But like, when I look back onthat, I could see how this
little child, this little girl.
Think about how little a 14year old girl is.
Y'all, I was a little tiny babyhaving sex.
I know 14 year olds have sex, Iknow I I sound so old, but they
shouldn't be.
I just do not think 14 yearolds are old enough for the
responsibility of sex.
(20:49):
But anyway, it has nothing todo with anything to do with
religion at all.
I don't even, for the record,believe anymore that sex should
be reserved only for marriage.
I don't even believe thatanymore.
Okay, but I do believe that 14year old kids should not be
having sex.
I just think they're too youngand too immature and their brain
folds are not clearly developedyet.
They shouldn't be doing it,okay, but anyway, anyway, anyway
(21:11):
, anyway, anyway, child, let meget back to the story.
What I want to do is help usrecognize the signs of a
silenced voice.
I mean, I definitely have themand you can probably see some of
that, but I want to help youidentify if you see it in
yourself.
Recognizing the signs of asilenced voice, I think, is so
important because, like a lot ofabuse and trauma that many of
(21:32):
us have been through, sometimesit takes a while to even figure.
You've been through it, and fora lot of us who grew up in
abusive homes or hadtraumatizing childhoods, it
feels normal to us Kids adapt.
So here's some signs of anauthentic voice, and if you
don't hear yourself in this,then maybe you have a silenced
voice.
An authentic voice is reallyrooted in self-awareness.
You first of all understandwhat truly matters to you, and
(21:56):
if you don see it in what'saround you, you fight for it.
But knowing your values alsoleads you to know what to fight
for and what you stand for.
Having your authentic voice andbeing able to live in it also
means that you understand youremotions, what you're feeling,
why you're feeling it, how youcame to feel it, and you can
express it to yourself and toothers, and you also have a
realistic perception of your ownself-worth and capabilities.
(22:20):
If you have a silenced voice,you probably feel fearful all
the time.
You feel very fearful.
Maybe you just don't feel braveenough, maybe you just don't
feel courageous enough to handlethe situations that you're in.
It usually means that youcannot articulate your
boundaries at all.
You cannot express orarticulate your limits clearly
or at all, and you're deeplyafraid to disappoint others.
(22:42):
So if you listen to my story,you know.
That's where I'm at, and I'malso not saying this to shame
anybody, because literally thatjust means you're too
traumatized to do so.
Another sign of a silenced voiceis that you feel like you have
to be perfect, or your art hasto be perfect, or what you say
has to be perfect, or you're youhave to look perfect, and if
it's not like quote-unquoteperfect to you, then you can't
(23:03):
display it, show it, speak itwhatever.
A silenced voice makes itreally really hard for you to
listen to others and hear others, because it challenges your own
ego and your own ish so much.
Actually, a lot of abusive mentend to have this problem and
it's a really big problem, andfor that reason they cannot hear
what has happened and why womenfeel the way we do about a lot
(23:26):
of the stuff that we've beenthrough.
If you have a silence voice,it's really really difficult to
get in touch with your empathyfor other people.
You might have it for yourself,but it still feels very
self-centered and veryprotective.
You might have a silenced voiceif you really struggle with
assertiveness, um, like I did,or if you're assert, or if you
(23:48):
are assertive, it's often likeway too aggressive and just wild
, like, for example, like theway that I tried to orchestrate
getting caught, like yeah, thatwas me being assertive, but it
was just so wild, as opposed toliterally just saying, hey, I
don't want to have sex anymore,I feel trapped.
All I could do was try toorchestrate getting caught.
You know, I was 14 at the time.
(24:09):
We don't have grace, but I'mjust saying it's a great example
of like just not being able touse assertiveness in the
appropriate way.
Oftentimes, if you have a verysilenced voice, your values
don't align with what you'redoing, your behavior does not
reflect the value and there'slots and lots and lots of
incongruence.
Another way a silenced voiceshows is that you're, you have
(24:29):
lost your integrity.
And again, I'm not saying thisto shame anybody, but sometimes
we're doing stuff we don't wantto do because we feel so
silenced, and it's things thatwe've already decided we would
never do, Taking actions that wealready decided.
That's not who I am, but thenhere we are, doing it.
Our voice, like I said earlier,is our birthright.
It is how we tell and sharewith the world who we are.
(24:52):
Oftentimes our voice isactually our behavior and our
behavior should be, ideally, ifwe want to be healed, hold
healthy, beautiful black women,a reflection of our values and
what we believe about this worldand who we are in this world
and how we behave and move inthis world.
And so if we, if we learn toempower ourselves and get to
where we want to be, our voicewill be a very like, unique
(25:15):
expression of who we are at ourcore and that's a beautiful
person At our core.
I believe we all are beautifulpeople.
I believe we are born as love,not born as evil, like
evangelical Christianity teachesus.
Yeah, I do want to discuss theimpact of abuse on this issue of
our voice being silenced,because it has a big impact.
(25:36):
And one thing I absolutely hateyou can ask anybody who knows
me.
I hate hate when people saydon't be a victim, don't think
about, don't think about it likea victim.
You're not a victim and it'slike would y'all please shut the
entire fuck up.
Sometimes people are literallyin the middle of being
victimized and somebody will belike you're not a victim, don't
(25:58):
have a victim mindset.
It's like what the fuck elseare you supposed to have while
you're being victimized, youasshole anyway, I see it as a
way to silence victims, that's.
I hate that phrase.
I feel like it literally islike you're literally heaping
shame and silence on people whoneed to understand how their
victimhood literally affectsthem so they can be empowered
survivors.
But that's a whole othersubject for a whole other day
(26:19):
that I actually really do wantto talk about on episode and I
will at some point.
But the abuses that I wentthrough, where I was actually
very clearly a victim, informedyears and years, and actually in
my case, decades, of mybehavioral issues.
So I think it's well within.
I think it's really importantactually to address how abuse
(26:42):
affects us.
First of all, how the hell areyou supposed to have a voice
when you have issues of trustand safety with the world at
large?
A lot of times for many of uswho were abused in our childhood
, like a large percent of BlackAmerican women are, the idea
that the world is not safe,particularly for us in brown and
Black bodies, is just sopervasive.
(27:03):
So when you have a loss oftrust and faith in others, it
really makes it difficult totrust people with your thoughts
and your feelings in general,because you don't know who's
going to betray you and how andwhat way are they going to
unalive you?
I mean what could happen, wedon't know, and that leads to
self-censorship period.
It leads to going inward, toputting up walls or, like me, on
(27:27):
the other side, it's led to alot of over-explaining, trying
to overcompensate for all theways I all the years I didn't
feel like I had a voice.
It can lead to withdrawal andfor some unfortunate, sad women
who are no longer with us, it'sled to them literally unaliving
themselves.
I just think it's reallyimportant to identify the fact
that abuse creates verydeep-rooted psychological pain
(27:49):
and trauma in our body and thatthese barriers really do hinder
self-expression and can for many, many, many years and decades
unaddressed.
Like I said, abuse can create ainterlocking like theory in our
brain that equivocatesself-expression and negative
consequences.
So, for example, I nevermentioned this earlier, but when
(28:13):
I, when my after my dad went toprison, I really thought it was
my fault that he went to prisonand I felt really guilty for so
many years that he went toprison, especially after I
learned about the prisonindustrial system.
I'm actually against the prisonindustrial system.
The private for-profitindustrial system I think is
(28:35):
evil and I don't feel guiltyanymore.
My tears right now are becauseof what I said earlier and I
don't feel guilty anymore.
My tears right now are becauseof what I said earlier, but I
don't feel guilty anymore thathe went to prison.
I do think pedophilia isincredibly dangerous and, as I
found out later, I wasn't theonly child that he was messing
with.
But for a lot of my teen yearsI felt so guilty, I felt like I
(28:56):
sent him there.
Felt so guilty, I felt like Isent him there and if I keep
talking, I'll send other men toprison too, even if they deserve
it, which is so sad, becauseI've been assaulted since then
and, um, there is a man whoRAPD'd me and I never, never, um
, never, reported it and itthat's another way.
(29:20):
My voice was silenced because Iwas too afraid that I would
send another Black man to prison.
It's deep y'all.
It's really, really deep and Ijust am sharing that because I
don't ever want to make it smallhow big these issues are for
trauma survivors.
Okay, y'all, I had to take a, Ihad to take a break there for a
(29:47):
second because, lord, thisepisode is getting intense.
Oh, this is intense today andalready so long, but anyway,
abuse damages our self-identity,our worthiness.
It produces internalized shameand guilt that is not ours to
hold and, as you can surmise,this makes it seem like the
(30:09):
thoughts we are thinking are.
They're not valid, they're notworthy.
Why should anyone hear them,etc.
Etc.
This one was big for me, but adistorted self-perception is one
of the biggest ways I thinkabuse perpetuates.
In the mind of particularlychild survivors of sexual or
physical trauma, it's just theidea that it's your fault, that
(30:31):
you are a hoe or you're this oryou're that.
The negative self-image isimages, the beliefs that you
know, the words that someonesaid to you.
So you know I've talked onother and other mediums and
other podcast episodes beforehow I'm a narcissistic abuse
survivor and a verbal abusesurvivor.
In my second marriage I'm onlyfive years out, really just now
(31:01):
in like the last two yearsgetting a good deal of freedom
from all of the things that hesaid to me that made that I
believed about myself.
Because of things he said to mewhen we were married, marrying
an abuser, it's like the wholecycle started all over again.
God, okay, but anyway we're notgoing to talk about that.
That's a whole other episode.
(31:21):
Another thing I want to hit onmaladaptive coping mechanisms.
Ciao, I'm only laughing becauseI'm coping number one, but I
know we all have so many.
I mean I could just rattle themoff, but I'll just say a few
developing codependency, peoplepleasing, developing patterns of
people pleasing you know, doingwhat I did where you you can't
(31:43):
say no.
You're letting people have sexwith you that you don't want to
have sex with.
You're letting men abuse you ortalk to you any kind of way,
cheat on you.
You are coping with variousforms of addictions, whether
that be sex, alcohol, drugs,spending, etc.
Etc.
Like the.
The list of maladaptive copingmechanisms is long Emotional
(32:08):
suppression, not lettingyourself even feel the emotions.
I have a friend who was verytraumatized in childhood, like I
was, and she can't cry.
Like that's one of hermaladaptive coping mechanisms.
It's very, very, very, verydifficult for her to cry.
We all have different ones.
Meanwhile I'm over here cryingbaby.
You know I've had issues withsex and sexuality.
Some women have had issues withalcohol and alcoholism.
(32:30):
I mean, we all are dealing withit differently, but I think
it's easy for us to see if youknow, if you know you know your
own like maladaptive copingmechanism if you were not able
to get over the hump of thetrauma that you went through
without becoming someone thatyou're not, without being like
(32:53):
the true version of who you are.
That does not need those things.
Going through abuse and traumahas a very deep impact on the
way that our brain processesanxiety and fear, which often
leads to major major depressionin a lot of us.
I literally think this is kindof maybe potentially
controversial to say, but Iliterally think that nearly all
(33:15):
Black Americans have some formof complex PTSD.
There's a difference betweenPTSD and complex PTSD.
Complex PTSD is where youexperience so many instances of
trauma over the course ofseveral years or decades that it
like lives in your body andthen it is ingrained into your
(33:36):
DNA.
That is literally passed ongenerationally.
That's why I think thatprobably all Black Americans
have some form of complex PTSDalready because of what our
ancestors went through in thisquote-unquote great nation Eye
roll, heavy, heavy, heavy eyeroll.
But then, in addition to that,just everything we've been
through as a result but forthose of us who have a very high
(33:56):
A score is an indicator of yourchildhood trauma.
It can be very, very, verydifficult to grow up without
complex PTSD, which is ananxiety disorder.
So if you often have foundyourself having huge bouts of
anxiety.
You probably growing up as aresult of childhood trauma or
other trauma you've been through.
You probably have complex PTSDand it's worth looking at,
(34:19):
looking into there's otherphysical manifestations, of
course.
A lot of times people reportgoing through certain kinds of
trauma and having a physicalmanifestation of it, like when I
was growing up I was alwayspicking at my fingernails till
they bleed, picking at my skintill it bled and other things.
And when I was going throughdomestic violence in my second
(34:39):
marriage I starteduncontrollably shaking,
particularly around abusiveepisodes.
And then I also started havingwhat felt like heart attacks,
but they were panic attacks, butI was having them pretty
regularly in the last two years.
That was definitely a physicalmanifestation of trauma.
And finally, I could go on andon and on.
But the final one is if you'vehad difficulty forming healthy
relationships, that could bewith anyone a parent, a trusted
(35:01):
friend, a trusted lover, not sotrusted lover or friend or
parent, literally your child,literally anyone.
It's really hard to expressyourself authentically when you
don't have a voice and if youcan't express yourself
authentically, that definitelyhinders any sort of healthy
relationship from ever beingable to form.
Please remember that the waythat abuse affects people is
(35:23):
very individualized, veryindividualistic for each
individual.
Sorry, that was a weirdsentence, but I think y'all know
what I'm trying to say.
Like everyone experiences itreally differently, so if yours
doesn't look like mine, thatdoesn't mean your abuse was as
bad or not as bad or whatever.
This is not like the painOlympics or who had it worse
Olympics.
If you are experiencing thesethings and you know that your
(35:45):
voice is silenced, the biggestthing that we need to figure out
you and your therapist or yourtrusted friends or family or
people or partner or whatever ishow to heal so that you can
have your voice back and becomewho you were truly meant to be
Reclaim, reclaim, reclaim.
Let's move to some just basicsteps for reclaiming your voice,
and I'll try to share littlethings I've done along the way.
(36:08):
Y'all, I'm not exaggerating whenI say I've been doing this
since I was 11, like literallysince my dad went to prison and
that was like, I think, thewake-up call for me that I had
to find myself again.
Which is so weird to say thatat 11, to think about myself
that way, but it's really true.
Like that was I.
I understood that I was out assoon as I saw my dad in those
(36:29):
handcuffs walk away and look atme with the face, he looked at
me like like.
He really looked at me like youlittle bitch like I have just
been sentenced to, like I thinkhe originally got sentenced to
18 to 25 years of prison theface he gave me when he walked
away I just realized like I amout here fighting for my life, I
am out here fighting for mylife and I was 11.
(36:53):
And I just knew it was like.
I just knew like I'm gonna beout here fighting for my life
for the rest of my life andsadly, I made that happen.
I literally manifested that.
I manifested fighting for mylife with literally like every
man I've been involved withsince then.
Not every single one, that's anexaggeration, but many, okay
(37:14):
many y'all, because I know thatI've been like fighting for my
life for so long.
You know I'm 48 once I realizedthat I was 11.
So that's 30 something yearsthat I've been doing this
process over and over and overagain.
I've been doing these steps overand over and over again New
person, new step, new person,next step Back.
A step up, a step down, a step.
(37:34):
Y'all hear me, y'all get whatI'm saying.
But the first step isdefinitely acknowledging your
past and the trauma.
You have to get it out.
You have to tell somebody andI'm just going to kind of race
through some of these initialsteps because some of this stuff
is very basic and I know y'allknow it, but I do want to say it
Emphasize the importance ofself-compassion.
If you don't have compassion onChristianity, you have to kind
of break out of the idea of whatthey tell you is that you're
(38:00):
evil and you're just so evil andonly God can redeem you from
your evilness.
Start with something evilhappened to me and I'm not evil
that that thing happened to me.
I am love and I was alwaysloved and I never deserved what
I got ever.
Here's just a few things, a fewthings this is super basic that
we can do to practicallyreconnect with ourselves.
(38:22):
One and y'all know I'm gonnatalk about this all the time is
reflect self-reflect journal.
Start writing down everythingyou can about what you remember,
what you feel, where you're at,what you're having trouble
saying no to what you're havingtrouble saying yes to what
you're having troublearticulating.
Whatever you feel like is thedynamic.
(38:42):
That is the problem.
Write it down, y'all.
Write it down, just like ErykahBadu said write it down.
Start trying to be authenticwith yourself, just with
yourself, so that you're notafraid.
Write in your journal as if noone will ever see it and no one
ever has to.
But write it like no one willever see it, so that you just
feel free to just get it out.
(39:03):
Practice being assertive inwhatever you're writing.
A big thing that people don'ttalk about a lot is try to
figure out how to express whatyour core values are Like.
Make a big, long list of whatthey are, if that helps, just so
that you have a sense of likewhat is guiding me and should be
guiding my behavior that maybeI've been falling short on.
Another one is set very small,achievable goals about what
(39:25):
you're going to do to work onthe ways that you feel silenced
and the ways that you're notbeing assertive and the ways
that you're not using your voicethe way you should.
So, even if that's somethingreally little, like when I'm at
Subway, this is this is a real,true example for me.
Sometimes I never want to askthem for extra black olives
because I feel like I'm being amenace to society while drinking
(39:47):
my juice in the hood by askingthem for extra black olives,
like they will just judge me orsomething.
So that was like a small goalthat I set myself for myself is
that every time I go to Subway,I'm just going to ask for them
extra black olives because thatis what I want and I don't have
to be afraid.
I mean, I literally am sharingy'all, sharing that with y'all
(40:07):
as a real example of things I'vehad to do along the way because
I've been so afraid to use myvoice in certain circumstances,
and that is the that is the mostridiculous one of them all.
But it's true, y'all.
And that is the that is themost ridiculous one of them all.
But it's true y'all.
Like, I have tattoos that Idon't even like because I was
afraid to say something to theguy who was doing my tattoo.
I don't like that.
Or could you do that different?
Like what the fuck?
What the entire fuck?
(40:30):
Yeah, I'm not even lying.
I also think it's reallyhelpful to normalize the fear
that is associated with speakingup.
Like, just be honest withyourself.
Like, yeah, this is actuallyreally hard to do.
Write that down.
I acknowledge that this is hardto do and I'm just going to
like go ahead and do it anyway,but I do want to acknowledge
that I'm challenged in this areaor this area, or this area or
(40:54):
this area, and try to be reallyspecific about why you feel
challenged.
Is it because of you know pastcircumstances that happened with
your, with your dad or withyour mom, or you know you're
you're afraid of rejection fromyour boss, or, um, you're
feeling undeserving or unworthybecause A, b, c, d, z.
Just write it all down.
(41:15):
Another big way huge, huge waythat I have reclaimed my voice
and my power is just by using itwhen I'm scared.
Using it when I feel like otherpeople look at me, like I'm
cringe.
Using it every opportunity Iget, just living out loud.
One way I've done that and thisis gonna sound so crazy, but it
was so low entry that I justfelt like it was easy for me to
(41:37):
do.
But I started as soon asInstagram opened.
The story feature which was init was the.
It was literally in the middleof when I was being a victim of
domestic violence, when I wasbeing verbally, narcissistically
abused.
It was like 2016 or 2017, whereyou could start talking on your
Instagram stories.
Before you could only sharepictures.
You couldn't even share otherpeople's pictures.
You could only share yourindividual pictures.
(41:59):
You couldn't talk.
Okay, when they let you starttalking on instagram stories,
y'all, I started talking and Inever shut the fuck up.
I literally never shut up.
Still don't shut up on there.
But that was like the beginningfor me, to just practice talking
about what I was going through,and I felt better.
(42:20):
And I'm sure that I was sharingtoo much.
I'm sure I was oversharing.
I'm sure I was cringy.
I still think I'd be cringy nowbut I'm like, oh well, if
that's the worst thing about me,oh well, but at least I'm using
my voice.
At least I'm not afraid to usemy voice.
At least I'm advocating forother people.
At least the worst that canhappen is somebody who doesn't
(42:40):
care about me or doesn't love methinks I'm cringy.
Someone who doesn't pay mybills or add to my happiness
thinks that I'm cringy.
Why the fuck would I care?
Why?
Why?
I just think if we normalizethe fear of speaking up, it
actually just helps us to get itout anyway.
Here's four key questions to askyourself that I think will help
(43:03):
you as you move forward to findyour voice after losing it?
One, what is the worst thingthat could happen?
Two, what is the best thingthat could happen?
Three, what will happen if youstay silent?
And four, what would yourfuture self tell you to do?
That is a powerful ass question.
Y'all that's a powerful assquestion.
Like I'm my future self from my11 year old self, and if I were
(43:26):
to sit down and have aconversation with my 11 year old
self, I would tell her to doexactly what the fuck she did,
which was stick up for herself.
That little girl was so fuckingbrave, which was stick up for
herself.
That little girl was so fuckingbrave and so resilient.
I just look back at her.
That day, the testifying, thelawyer who tried to blame me,
the lawyer who literally lookedme in my eyeballs was when I was
(43:48):
on the stand and said you askedyour dad for it, didn't you?
You asked him for it, didn'tyou?
Didn't you ask to give him ablowjob on the stand with a
courtroom full of people, andthat little girl was so brave,
she actually made people laugh.
I forgot what exactly I said,but I got an attitude.
(44:10):
I copped a little funky assattitude problem with it and I
said something like oh yeah,okay, because what little girl
asked her dad, can I give you ablowjob?
And I said it in such a waythat I just remember people
laughed and I remember, likelooking around cause it was the
first time I was ever like youknow, I'm a speaker At like.
At heart I'm really a speakerLike I feel like that's like the
(44:33):
job that I never really tookreally seriously, but like who I
am, and so I feel like it wasthe first time I ever had, you
know, like a microphone and likeI was looking, I was like I got
my first laugh.
It was like wonderful.
And I just look back and I'mlike what a kick ass little girl
(44:53):
.
Like if I could sit her downright now.
I was like you are such abeauty Like, you're such a gem
You're, you are such a kick asslittle child.
I'm so, so proud of you.
You have no idea, I'm so proudof you.
And you know my 65 year oldself that's that's 17 years from
(45:13):
now I'll be 65.
What would she say to me now?
You know, what would she say tome now?
Like hey, I'm proud of youbecause when you were 48, you
did this, you said this, youstuck up for yourself, you stuck
up for other people.
I'm proud of you.
You know, like, do that, dothat exercise with yourself, do
that exercise with yourself.
I do think that it's good toarticulate that when you're just
(45:34):
learning to re-empower yourselfand reinvigorate yourself, it's
going to take a lot of practiceand a lot of missteps and start
with small, very actionablethings, like the subway thing,
like, like I mentioned.
You know, set very clearboundaries for yourself and just
try to practice little oneshere and there.
(45:55):
You know, like something I'vesaid before when I've talked
about dating, because the lastfour years I've been dating, you
know, trying to find an actualgood man who I'm like, actually
compatible with and who Iactually want to be with every
day, who doesn't like actuallyirritate the hell out of me and
who I like actually respect and,um, as you can see, like a bit
(46:20):
of hopelessness has set in aboutthe prospect of like ever being
with anyone who fits thatdescription.
But anyway, I have used datingas a way of like, like low
stakes ways of practicing beingassertive, because you know,
when you're on a dating app, ifa guy says something in the
profile, which they do, you knowlike, oh girl, I can't wait to
(46:43):
squeeze that ass.
You know it's a very low stakesthing to just to say you will
never squeeze that ass.
You know it's a very low stakesthing to just to say you will
never squeeze my ass, rot in thehell that I don't even believe
exists and then block them.
That's something I would neversay to a man in person, for
example.
It's just like a low stakes wayfor me to practice being very,
very assertive.
Or even when I went out onliteral dates with men and not
(47:05):
liked them, I have practicedarticulating to them.
I'm not interested in justmoving on instead of just
blocking people and notcommunicating.
Why one?
Because I think, even as awoman, even though I'm a very
strong feminist, feminist asfuck I still believe that just
blocking people withoutarticulating anything to them is
really just highly immature.
(47:26):
Y'all don't do that shit.
Don't do that shit, don't dothat.
But anyway, that's just mypersonal opinion.
I know there's women out there.
You don't owe men anything.
You don't.
You absolutely don't.
You cannot owe men a damn thingand still not be an asshole.
I think those two things canexist at the same time.
Also, if you're a multipletrauma survivor, then it's a way
for you to practicearticulating.
(47:47):
I just don't like you.
I'm just not that into you.
I just want to do somethingelse.
I'm interested in someone else.
I didn't have a great time onthe date.
It ain't that hard.
It actually has helped merealize that's not that hard to
do, even though in the past Ihave really struggled with that.
I do think it's really importantfor us trauma survivors to also
(48:08):
practice non-violentcommunication.
It's a way to get in touch withyourself and be at home with
yourself, for you to articulate.
Here is what I feel.
Here is what you do that makesme feel that way.
Here is how I would like foryou to not act in these ways.
And I'm not talking aboutdating anymore, I'm talking
about just all around you knowkids, parents, family, sister,
cousin, uncle, baby, daddy, etc.
(48:30):
I try to practice nonviolentcommunication.
And finally, y'all a few thingsto just really embrace your
authentic voice.
Number one it's a journey.
Like I said, it's a lifelongjourney.
Celebrate the journey,celebrate this whole big,
beautiful healing plan andrealize that there is never one
(48:51):
day where you feel like you'vearrived.
Now I can tell you that I feelmore arrived than I've ever been
, like if my healing journey waslike starting on ground zero
and there was like a longstaircase to heaven, into the
sky, and let's say there's 1000steps.
You know, like I can say, overthe course of my lifetime I've
(49:12):
been going up the steps andmaybe I'm on step 675 out of
1000 steps and maybe by nextyear I'll be on step 772.
But I'm still going up and I'mstill learning.
Like every day there'ssomething to learn or there's
something, there's some newcircumstances to really practice
it.
And I can tell you I don't wantto tell you the story, but there
(49:33):
was a situation really recentlythat I feel I felt very
silenced and I did not stick upfor myself the way I should have
.
Oh, it was in a work scenarioand with everything I've learned
and with all the healing I'vehad and all the experience and
healing, I still let a situationreally silence me and I look
back and I'm like damn, likewhat happened?
(49:55):
Like that situation really tookme off guard.
So I'm not you know, like Ialways say, I'm not telling
y'all from like a perfect orevolved place.
This is just me being honestwith y'all Like this ish is a
journey.
Please recognize that there isan ongoing nature of self
discovery and hopefully it willbe ongoing until we leave this
(50:17):
earth, in this life.
The next thing is no matter whathappens, be kind to yourself
and love yourself.
And that situation that I wasjust in recently, where I was
kind of disappointed in myselffor how I didn't stand up for
myself, I still practiced a lotof self-compassion and I'm still
learning to practiceself-compassion with myself,
because that situation it kindof took me to my knees a little
(50:40):
bit.
It really did.
It really took me to my knees,like, but I had to practice
self-compassion because Irealized if I get lost, if I get
buried under the rubble ofjudgment of how I didn't do this
right or how I didn't do thisright and in that circumstances
I could have done that I'llnever heal.
I'll never heal, and that'strue for you too.
You have to practice kindnesstoward yourself.
(51:01):
My final words of encouragementis just that oh my God, I'm
getting emotional again.
It's just that we are and whenI say we I mean black women we
are braver and more resilientthan I think we understand for
what we've been through.
That is something I have reallyinternalized over the course of
my lifetime.
It's just that a lot of peoplewould have already unalived
(51:25):
themselves if they had survivedwhat I've survived.
I've survived.
I know that for sure.
There's not even a doubt in mymind, not even a doubt, not even
a doubt, and that protects me.
You don't understand how muchprotection that puts around me.
When I even sense even a littlebit of judgment from other
people about how I've handledthings, about what I've done,
about the mistakes I've made.
(51:46):
It's almost like I just havethis beautiful, clear crystal
wall around me that keeps mefrom people's hatred and
judgment and their theories orwhatever they think they know
that they don't really know, orthings you know.
People will judge you onexperiences they've never had
and they have no idea what it'slike to live or survive through
the things you've been through.
And I just have it around meand it just serves as this very
(52:08):
beautiful, like bubble ofself-compassion, like you know,
in the movie Wicked, when shecomes down in that pretty bubble
in the beginning, that's what Ifeel like my bubble is and it's
just like I only really letlove into my bubble because I
know how resilient I had to beto build that up and and and
it's my safe space, you know.
(52:30):
And it's also like I don't letanyone else into that space
unless they are also very safeand practice love and
self-compassion, because it's soimportant for other people to
understand that.
So, anyway, I think I'm justtrying to say, like, create your
own bubble, create your ownbubble and don't let anyone
judge you, don't let anyone getto you about what you've been
(52:55):
through.
Okay, I believe in you.
I believe in you, anyway, y'all.
If you enjoyed this episode,please leave me a like,
subscribe.
If you're on YouTube, if you'reon Apple or spotify, please
subscribe.
And please leave me a review onapple podcast.
I beg of you, leave me a rating, follow me on all the socials.
I'm on instagram at graceunderscore, sandra underscore,
(53:17):
and also the podcast at out heretrying to survive podcast.
I also have this tiktok of thesame name, out here trying to
survive, and I have a newsletterthat I only put out once a
month and sometimes less, butplease join it just in case
these platforms ever go away orthey hate me and they hate my
social justice work and theyshut me down.
At least you'll be able to keepin touch with me on my
newsletter, so please sign upfor that and, like I always say
(53:38):
remember, you are a beautifulsoul, you're strong, resilient
and you are very capable ofbuilding and dreaming up a life
that you deserve.
Until next time, keep shiningand I'll see y'all later.
Bye.
Have you ever felt like there's a literal force
field around your throat, likekeeping you from saying what you
want to say?
Are there times that you'veever felt like saying yes, but
what you really wanted to do wasscream no?
If you identify with this inany way, this episode's for you.
Statistics show that one inthree women have been a victim
(00:27):
of some sort of abuse orviolence in their lifetime, and
you know what Low-key it's.
Probably greater than that, andmany like me carry these scars
invisibly.
I remember a time when I was inhigh school where I literally
was having sex with a man well,a boy, because he was a little
boy and I was a little girl.
I was 14 and he was 15 or 16.
But every single time I wantedto say no and I didn't, and I
(00:52):
let him basically just use mybody as a masturbation tool, and
I want to share more about thatstory in just a moment.
The important thing to recognizethat we all know is that abuse
doesn't just leave physicalscars.
Of course, the trauma happensin our brain.
Literally, read anything byGabriel Matei or the Body Keeps
the Score.
I forgot the name of thatauthor, but I will post it in
the show notes.
What we do know is that abuseand trauma silences your soul,
(01:15):
and that's what I want to talkabout today is those of us whose
soul has been silenced by yearsof abuse.
Our voice is our birthright andwe're going to take it back In
this episode.
I want to dive deep into thevery hidden wounds of abuse and
really discover how to unleashthe power within you.
That's something that I've beenworking on literally for my
(01:36):
whole life and I'm 48, so all ofmy life.
Basically, if you've ever feltlike your life doesn't matter,
your voice doesn't matter,nothing you say or do matters,
this episode is for you.
If you felt like your thoughtsand your feelings are
insignificant, this episode isfor you.
If you felt like what's thepoint of even sharing, this
(01:56):
episode is for you.
I want this episode to be asafe space for both healing and
empowerment.
But first let me introducemyself.
Hey y'all.
My name is Grace Sandra.
I'm an author, an activist, anadvocate and a mom.
You could be literally anywherein the world that you're here
with me, and I cannot tell youhow grateful, truly, truly
grateful, I am for that.
This podcast is a hope-orientedstorytelling space.
(02:17):
A warm hug of solidarity fromme to you.
It is a celebration of ourresilience and our determination
to not just survive but tothrive.
Welcome.
First, let me tell y'all a story.
The first time that I wasabused, I was sexually assaulted
and I was three.
I don't remember.
Thank God I don't remember.
(02:37):
I've probably blocked out I'veactually blocked out a lot of
the abuse that I endured upuntil I was 11.
I was sexually assaulted by mydad for the first, you know,
whatever three years old to 11years old, and the only reason I
know about it is because mysister told me that the way that
I responded when it was time tobe handed over to my dad who
was not her dad, so she wasn'tcoming with me during my dad's
(02:59):
custodial times and then, when Icame back, she reported that
she told my mom later on that myvagina was always really red
and really swollen.
She was a lot older than me, bythe way, so I think she was 11
or 12 when I was born, so shewas still a kid herself.
But she remembered, and I'm sothankful that she remembered,
(03:20):
because I think that it givesinsight into how conditioned
that abuse was for me.
So, as I grew up experiencingwhat I was doing, experiencing
with my dad.
He was, I'm trigger warning,first of all for those of you
who experience any form ofsexual assault.
I should have said that earlier.
My apologies.
My dad was slow and calculatedwith the way that he actually
(03:42):
carried out the sexual abuse andI wasn't going into it
screaming, crying, thrashing.
I was often quote unquote awilling participant.
I was so conditioned to it, itfelt normal to me.
Actually, I just thought thisis what daddies and daughters do
.
Seriously, he had me actuallybelieving that I was asking for
it.
Oh, child.
(04:03):
But anyway, by the time I toldmy mom that it was happening, I
hadn't thought well, there hasno, okay, that's not true.
There was one time I did thinklike maybe this is wrong and
that's because I saw acommercial.
So I'm, hold on, I'm gettingahead of myself.
I was born in 76.
(04:23):
And for those of you who are oldenough to remember, y'all
remember all the commercials inthe 80s about AIDS.
There were so many commercialsabout AIDS.
I do remember one time, after aspecific sexual encounter, like
recalling some of thecommercials about AIDS and
wondering if my dad was going togive me AIDS, which is just
really a funny thought becauseI've barely ever thought about
that before, but anyway I hadthat one time that I thought
(04:47):
that thought, but other thanthat I didn't even think to tell
my mom anything, or anyone else, anything that was going on,
because of how much my dad madeit believe it was just this
normal part of what we didtogether.
So I didn't actually end uptelling my mom until I saw a tv
commercial and in the commercialcommercial they said they
showed like a little girl andthey showed her in a bikini and
it like pointed to the privateparts and it was like if you're
(05:10):
being touched in these areasthen you should tell a trusted
adult.
And so I just very casuallytold my mom.
I walked into her room.
It was the middle of theafternoon, it was an afterschool
special which, thank God youknow.
I wish I could find out whoproduced that after-school
special, but it was a storyabout a little girl who was
being bribed by her.
I don't even know if it was hermom's boyfriend or maybe an
(05:31):
uncle or someone who who wastrusted, and the actual
after-school special was abouthim taking her to get gifts to
keep her quiet about the abusethat she was enduring.
And that's what my dad wasdoing to me.
He was taking me to buy, takingme to Canada, because we live
in Detroit, so it's just a quickhop, skip and a jump over to
Canada to buy clothes and buythings.
And he was completely bribingme into these behaviors with if
(05:53):
you do this, if we do this, thenyou get that.
And I was, like I said, veryconditioned, very much a willing
participant.
I was like, okay, daddy, thisis what we do.
So when I told my mom, I didn'teven tell her like it was a big
deal, I just said, you know, Ijust saw this special.
And they told me that ifsomeone was touching me here and
(06:14):
there, that I should tellsomeone.
And I'll just never forget shewas laying in bed.
I went into her room and it wasdark in there.
It was like late afternoon, shewas sleeping and I just was
like mom, I gotta tell yousomething.
And she was dark in there.
It was like late afternoon, shewas sleeping and I just was
like mom, I gotta tell yousomething.
And she was like what you know?
And she was just laying thereand I told her and I'll just
never forget, she sprung up inbed so fast, so fast, like she
(06:35):
shot up and I don't remember.
Literally the memory iscompletely goes blank, like the
eye shut, just goes blank and Idon't remember anything more.
But all I know is that rest ofthe day.
I don't remember anything morefrom the rest of the day except
that it was chaotic.
I remember she was callingpeople, she was telling people,
she took my sister down in thebasement and told her.
(06:56):
I remember she took my brotherdown in the basement.
She told him they all just keptlooking at me and going like
this, which was also confusingbecause I felt like, am I in
trouble?
Nobody really clarified that Ireally wasn't in trouble.
It was very confusing.
I think at that time I mighthave been nine or 10 or 11.
Honestly, I kind of don'tremember.
I need to look back at courtrecords, but I'm pretty sure I
(07:19):
was 10 because when we finallywent to court I was 11.
Anyway, I won't go into thewhole rest of that story because
that's not the point of this,but basically my mom did report
him, I testified, we went tocourt.
It was a very hard, sad day.
I've written about it and Iwould like to actually write
more about that whole story.
But for now, he went to prisonthat very day, like well,
(07:43):
actually, you know what mymemory is jacked up because I
don't remember how manydifferent days I testified, but
at the end of it he went toprison.
I remember seeing him gettingcuffed and carried off not
carried off, but walking off andI remember that last look he
gave me was like a glare ofdeath, like you ratted us out,
that kind of look, and I justremember being like so confused,
so confused.
(08:04):
So back to the story.
I wanted to tell y'all becauseof that that silenced me.
I would say that that instance,those years of enduring that
from my dad, silenced me for somany years now.
Let me just first say, becauseI can feel myself getting
emotional right now, which iscrazy sauce because I have
talked about this, I've spokeabout this, I've spoke
(08:25):
nationally, I've spoken onnational stages about this, I
have spoken to college studentsfor several years.
That was part of my job.
I actually am a speaker andI've done several speaking
engagements.
So the fact that I'm gettingemotional now after telling this
story, probably literally ahundred times, is kind of wild.
I am also in perimenopause, asI've told y'all before, and I'm
(08:46):
such a cry baby Perimenopausehas made me a cry baby so if I
cry again in this episode, it'snot because it's re-traumatizing
me all over again, I'm just.
I'm very close to my emotionsright now and I feel them very
deeply.
Even just telling y'all that ismaking me emotional.
(09:06):
But anyway, what I wanted totell y'all about how that
silenced me was that for so manyyears I lived with men, lived
in proximity to all the men inmy life, whether they were
teachers, little boys on mystreet.
You know, as I was growing up,anybody who was interested in
dating me or kissing me, youknow, in any way that I was
around gendered men.
I lived without a voice andwhat that looked like, if you're
(09:28):
like, okay, what does that looklike?
What it looked like for me is Ifelt like I literally couldn't
say no.
My orientation was so muchabout keeping I'm just gonna
call them gendered men, keepinggendered cishet men, because
that was all I was interactingwith.
I didn't have any gay guyfriends growing up at least I
didn't know it and they weren'tout if I did.
But my whole orientation waskeeping gendered cishet men
(09:51):
happy, content, not violent.
Keeping them contented.
Like I said, I also grew up witha brother who was pretty
violent.
There was a few instances ofreal light assault from him not
sexual, physical, but he was aviolent presence in my household
.
He was one of the instances oftrauma of my childhood.
So between him and my dad'ssexual abuse, I think the idea
(10:16):
of gendered men was always somuch like I just have to do
whatever it takes to keep themhappy or else I'm not going to
stay alive Again.
I cannot believe I'm gettingemotional about this when I've
talked about it so many times,else I'm not going to stay alive
Again.
I cannot believe I'm gettingemotional about this when I've
talked about it so many times.
I just want you to know I'vehealed.
Okay, I have healed.
I'm not like this is not thefirst time I'm saying this.
This is so I feel like I'malmost feeling shame about
(10:39):
feeling emotional right now.
Anyway, y'all, but when I got tohigh school know there were,
there were guys who you know Iwas considered conventionally
pretty.
You know I was the you know Iwas also.
I was raised in the 80s andthat was like the height.
It feels like that was like theheight of light-skinned long
hair and I was literallylight-skinned, long hair with
thick legs.
That's what all I ever heard.
(10:59):
Damn girl you, light-skinned,with long hair, with them thick
legs because I was a toothpickand I had no booty and no boobs
at all, but I did have the thicklegs that I heard about all the
time.
I just, you know, I was a lot of, I was the object of a lot of
desire and I just never feltlike I could say no.
So, you know, I did learn howto get out of circumstances.
I learned what kind of men tonot be around.
(11:22):
I think I learned from a veryyoung age to trust my gut at
least a little bit, with who'ssafe and who's not.
I feel like I could tell prettyquickly as a result of being
around a brother who was violentboth verbally and physically,
and because of my, my dad.
I think I did learn like thekind of faces y'all know it the
kind of faces that men make whenthey're sexually violent people
(11:45):
.
You, you, you know it when yousee it and as a woman, and
especially as a black woman likeyou, can never, ever, ever,
deny us that gut level,intuition that we have, that we
know when we see I was, for themost part doing a pretty good
job at just staying out ofcircumstances, because I knew
when I, after my dad, went toprison when I was 11, I was not
(12:05):
interested in sexuality, youknow.
I know they love to make it seemlike little girls are fast, but
little girls are not fast,they're just trying to figure
out how to survive and they'vebeen sexualized.
This is not rocket science, butanyway, there was a little boy
who when I was 14 I was either13 or 14 and like it was a bunch
of couples and we were in a carand he, like just started
(12:27):
reaching for my titties and thenhe just pulled them out and
started sucking on them and Iwasn't turned on, I didn't like
it.
You know, I barely even had anytitties when I was 13 or 14.
I had barely an, a cup, but Ididn't like it and I just felt
like I couldn't say no.
I felt like, well, this is whathe want to do and he says he
cares about me, which he did, sohe's just sucking on my titties
(12:51):
in the back of a car.
And I was just like what do Ineed to do to get out of this
situation?
But then like, and I'm not evensure.
I don't even remember whathappened after that.
But then, like the next two days, like all I could hear about in
school was that I was a hoe andthat I let him suck my titties
in the back of a car and I eventhen y'all I remember being like
you know, I was a juniorfeminist in the making, but even
(13:12):
then I was just like, well, whyisn't he a hoe?
Because I'm probably not thefirst titties that he sucked in
the back of a car like, why am Ithe hoe?
I didn't even like it, I didn'teven want him to suck my
titties in the back of a car.
Like it just happened.
I just felt like it was sounfair for me to be the one that
got called a freak and a hoewhen he was the one who
(13:32):
initiated the behavior.
That was like my first likeentry level into, like girl.
You got to be way more carefulbecause, number one, these
ninjas will betray you.
They will betray you, you know.
But also, what actuallyhappened doesn't matter.
What actually happened is thatI didn't want that to happen and
it still happened and I stillgot called a hoe and I was
(13:53):
embarrassed and also I'm makinglight of it.
But I felt so much shame aboutthat.
Once it got around school andonce the kids started mocking me
, I did feel a lot of shame andI cried okay.
And once the kids startedmocking me, I was, I did feel a
lot of shame and I cried Okay.
So then then I think the nextboyfriend I had after that and
Chaldea was cousins too, or atleast they was play cousins.
(14:16):
But my next boyfriend afterthat, you know, we, we, we went
all the way and it was.
You know, it took like a good,it took like a long time.
It took a long time, y'all, butthat's not the point.
But by the time we actually didthe deed I was not enjoying it
at all and I remember the firstcouple times I felt like it was
the equivalent of death.
I know that might sound crazy,but you know, just consider my
(14:39):
background.
I didn't have.
When I was 14 years old Ididn't have any sex drive.
I know some 14 year olds do.
I've talked to my othergirlfriends about this, like,
hey, when you were 14, were youhaving sex?
Did you have a sex drive?
Some of them have said they did.
I didn't at all, and because ofwhat I went through, I was
pretty afraid and I was rigidand dry and not wanting it.
(14:59):
So when we were doing it it wasoften excruciatingly painful,
not to mention he was 15 or 16.
He wasn't trying to actuallysatisfy me.
He wasn't like doing anythingthat leads to sexual
satisfaction, if y'all know whatI'm talking about.
So it was just in and out,basically, and it was
excruciating painful physicallypainful.
(15:22):
But I remember afterwards I wasalways in some level of like
deep psychological pain.
Let me also add on to that I wasgoing to a Christian school.
I had been going.
My mom had been sending me to aBaptist church for my whole
life.
I had been part of Awanas.
Approved workmen are notashamed of the gospel of Jesus
(15:45):
Christ.
Okay, awanas is a program forkids where you go every
Wednesday night and you memorizeBible verses, and a good number
of those Bible verses are abouthow, if you have sex before
you're married, god hates you.
Okay, you're going to hell.
So I had years of religiousconditioning about the role of
(16:05):
sex and what God hates anddoesn't hate, and it was almost
always on women, of course.
So I had all all that, pluswhat my dad had did to me, and I
had no voice.
No voice when I think aboutthat time.
There were several times when Itold people like I really don't
like this, I hate, hate it.
I actually, for the first timein my life, had thoughts of
(16:27):
wanting to die.
That was after we had had sexfor the first time.
The thoughts of wanting to diewere actually like crystallized
in my mind.
I had never thought that before.
It was the first time in mymind.
I thought this is, life is badenough, that I don't want to
live anymore.
I was telling friends and a lotof them were saying, well, why
don't you break up with him?
Why don't you say no?
And I just was like how, how?
(16:53):
So there were a few times whereI literally went into the
sexual encounter with himthinking I'm going to say no
this time.
I'm going to say no, I don'twant to, and I would lay there
like a board, like I always did,just taking it, and he would
just be doing it and I would betrying to articulate the word no
and I couldn't get it out.
(17:13):
It was literally like it waslike somebody put tape over my
mouth or something.
I couldn't get it out.
I know I can't even tell youthat that was the time we were
sexually active was like maybenine or ten months, and I never
once was able to say no, not onetime.
And so what I did was this iscrazy, this is crazy y'all.
(17:34):
What I did was I set upcircumstances so that we would
get in trouble, like have youever heard a teenage girl do
this before in your life?
I actually literally one timecalled his dad, called his dad
to come over to my house and Iwas like, oh, can you pick up
so-and-so because his son,because my car broke, I can't
(17:57):
bring him home, or somethinglike that, I don't remember.
And I told him to come to theback door and I made sure that
me and his son were in thebasement on the floor just
getting done, timing it.
So when his dad came to pickhim up and I'll never forget,
his dad came.
And, by the way, let me alsosay his dad was like a really
popular, really very popularChristian minister, producer,
(18:22):
radio vj or something.
I don't even know what exactlyhis job was, but he was really
well known Christian leader, Iguess I'll just say that.
So, and this was like his oldestson, so I was just expected him
to be like you will never seeher ever again, because you're
down here fornicating.
And I do remember he did yellat him, he did yell at me and he
did yell at my mama a littlebit.
(18:42):
I mean, like it was wasappropriate.
It wasn't like terriblescreaming and swearing, he was
just like this is terrible, thiscould never happen again.
Y'all cannot be, y'all cannotbe having sex down here in the
basement, like what is wrongwith y'all.
And I was just like, oh my god,this is perfect, because now
he's gonna be grounded, now wecan never see each other.
And and nothing happened afterthat, literally nothing there.
(19:03):
There was no protection for me.
I was seeking protection.
There was no protection.
So then I went to my school andI told my principal Now here's
another extra layer my principalhad worked for my boyfriend's
dad.
They were friends, they werefriends.
So I told my principal I'mhaving sex with my boyfriend.
I hate it, I don't like it, Idon't want to do it anymore.
(19:24):
I mean also, I'm trying to, I'mmaking light of this, but I
said this through tears andanguish.
Okay, y'all, I said it throughtears and anguish and I remember
.
I literally will never forgetwhat I looked like, where we
were sitting, what he said hewas just.
(19:46):
He said to me Grace, you know,I'm so sorry because it seems
like your boyfriend is addictedto your body.
I was just like, yeah, and Iwas thinking, so, what are you
gonna do about it?
Like I'm asking for help.
I clearly don't know how to getout of this situation.
When I look back, you know, it'slike I can see I was silenced,
but I was also advocating formyself and none of these
grown-ass men around me wereinterested in helping me.
I'm not sure if they understoodthat.
I felt like I couldn't get outof it, but I finally got out of
(20:08):
that situation.
It took years and years, andyears and years.
We were so embroiled in eachother's lives.
It took probably four and ahalf years, but I finally got
out of it only because I justpivoted to someone else and just
was like, listen, I'm withsomeone else, I can't, I, I
can't anymore.
And and he went to collegebefore me and then, you know, he
started cheating with otherchicks and it it was for the
(20:29):
best, honestly.
But like, when I look back onthat, I could see how this
little child, this little girl.
Think about how little a 14year old girl is.
Y'all, I was a little tiny babyhaving sex.
I know 14 year olds have sex, Iknow I I sound so old, but they
shouldn't be.
I just do not think 14 yearolds are old enough for the
responsibility of sex.
(20:49):
But anyway, it has nothing todo with anything to do with
religion at all.
I don't even, for the record,believe anymore that sex should
be reserved only for marriage.
I don't even believe thatanymore.
Okay, but I do believe that 14year old kids should not be
having sex.
I just think they're too youngand too immature and their brain
folds are not clearly developedyet.
They shouldn't be doing it,okay, but anyway, anyway, anyway
(21:11):
, anyway, anyway, child, let meget back to the story.
What I want to do is help usrecognize the signs of a
silenced voice.
I mean, I definitely have themand you can probably see some of
that, but I want to help youidentify if you see it in
yourself.
Recognizing the signs of asilenced voice, I think, is so
important because, like a lot ofabuse and trauma that many of
(21:32):
us have been through, sometimesit takes a while to even figure.
You've been through it, and fora lot of us who grew up in
abusive homes or hadtraumatizing childhoods, it
feels normal to us Kids adapt.
So here's some signs of anauthentic voice, and if you
don't hear yourself in this,then maybe you have a silenced
voice.
An authentic voice is reallyrooted in self-awareness.
You first of all understandwhat truly matters to you, and
(21:56):
if you don see it in what'saround you, you fight for it.
But knowing your values alsoleads you to know what to fight
for and what you stand for.
Having your authentic voice andbeing able to live in it also
means that you understand youremotions, what you're feeling,
why you're feeling it, how youcame to feel it, and you can
express it to yourself and toothers, and you also have a
realistic perception of your ownself-worth and capabilities.
(22:20):
If you have a silenced voice,you probably feel fearful all
the time.
You feel very fearful.
Maybe you just don't feel braveenough, maybe you just don't
feel courageous enough to handlethe situations that you're in.
It usually means that youcannot articulate your
boundaries at all.
You cannot express orarticulate your limits clearly
or at all, and you're deeplyafraid to disappoint others.
(22:42):
So if you listen to my story,you know.
That's where I'm at, and I'malso not saying this to shame
anybody, because literally thatjust means you're too
traumatized to do so.
Another sign of a silenced voiceis that you feel like you have
to be perfect, or your art hasto be perfect, or what you say
has to be perfect, or you're youhave to look perfect, and if
it's not like quote-unquoteperfect to you, then you can't
(23:03):
display it, show it, speak itwhatever.
A silenced voice makes itreally really hard for you to
listen to others and hear others, because it challenges your own
ego and your own ish so much.
Actually, a lot of abusive mentend to have this problem and
it's a really big problem, andfor that reason they cannot hear
what has happened and why womenfeel the way we do about a lot
(23:26):
of the stuff that we've beenthrough.
If you have a silence voice,it's really really difficult to
get in touch with your empathyfor other people.
You might have it for yourself,but it still feels very
self-centered and veryprotective.
You might have a silenced voiceif you really struggle with
assertiveness, um, like I did,or if you're assert, or if you
(23:48):
are assertive, it's often likeway too aggressive and just wild
, like, for example, like theway that I tried to orchestrate
getting caught, like yeah, thatwas me being assertive, but it
was just so wild, as opposed toliterally just saying, hey, I
don't want to have sex anymore,I feel trapped.
All I could do was try toorchestrate getting caught.
You know, I was 14 at the time.
(24:09):
We don't have grace, but I'mjust saying it's a great example
of like just not being able touse assertiveness in the
appropriate way.
Oftentimes, if you have a verysilenced voice, your values
don't align with what you'redoing, your behavior does not
reflect the value and there'slots and lots and lots of
incongruence.
Another way a silenced voiceshows is that you're, you have
(24:29):
lost your integrity.
And again, I'm not saying thisto shame anybody, but sometimes
we're doing stuff we don't wantto do because we feel so
silenced, and it's things thatwe've already decided we would
never do, Taking actions that wealready decided.
That's not who I am, but thenhere we are, doing it.
Our voice, like I said earlier,is our birthright.
It is how we tell and sharewith the world who we are.
(24:52):
Oftentimes our voice isactually our behavior and our
behavior should be, ideally, ifwe want to be healed, hold
healthy, beautiful black women,a reflection of our values and
what we believe about this worldand who we are in this world
and how we behave and move inthis world.
And so if we, if we learn toempower ourselves and get to
where we want to be, our voicewill be a very like, unique
(25:15):
expression of who we are at ourcore and that's a beautiful
person At our core.
I believe we all are beautifulpeople.
I believe we are born as love,not born as evil, like
evangelical Christianity teachesus.
Yeah, I do want to discuss theimpact of abuse on this issue of
our voice being silenced,because it has a big impact.
(25:36):
And one thing I absolutely hateyou can ask anybody who knows
me.
I hate hate when people saydon't be a victim, don't think
about, don't think about it likea victim.
You're not a victim and it'slike would y'all please shut the
entire fuck up.
Sometimes people are literallyin the middle of being
victimized and somebody will belike you're not a victim, don't
(25:58):
have a victim mindset.
It's like what the fuck elseare you supposed to have while
you're being victimized, youasshole anyway, I see it as a
way to silence victims, that's.
I hate that phrase.
I feel like it literally islike you're literally heaping
shame and silence on people whoneed to understand how their
victimhood literally affectsthem so they can be empowered
survivors.
But that's a whole othersubject for a whole other day
(26:19):
that I actually really do wantto talk about on episode and I
will at some point.
But the abuses that I wentthrough, where I was actually
very clearly a victim, informedyears and years, and actually in
my case, decades, of mybehavioral issues.
So I think it's well within.
I think it's really importantactually to address how abuse
(26:42):
affects us.
First of all, how the hell areyou supposed to have a voice
when you have issues of trustand safety with the world at
large?
A lot of times for many of uswho were abused in our childhood
, like a large percent of BlackAmerican women are, the idea
that the world is not safe,particularly for us in brown and
Black bodies, is just sopervasive.
(27:03):
So when you have a loss oftrust and faith in others, it
really makes it difficult totrust people with your thoughts
and your feelings in general,because you don't know who's
going to betray you and how andwhat way are they going to
unalive you?
I mean what could happen, wedon't know, and that leads to
self-censorship period.
It leads to going inward, toputting up walls or, like me, on
(27:27):
the other side, it's led to alot of over-explaining, trying
to overcompensate for all theways I all the years I didn't
feel like I had a voice.
It can lead to withdrawal andfor some unfortunate, sad women
who are no longer with us, it'sled to them literally unaliving
themselves.
I just think it's reallyimportant to identify the fact
that abuse creates verydeep-rooted psychological pain
(27:49):
and trauma in our body and thatthese barriers really do hinder
self-expression and can for many, many, many years and decades
unaddressed.
Like I said, abuse can create ainterlocking like theory in our
brain that equivocatesself-expression and negative
consequences.
So, for example, I nevermentioned this earlier, but when
(28:13):
I, when my after my dad went toprison, I really thought it was
my fault that he went to prisonand I felt really guilty for so
many years that he went toprison, especially after I
learned about the prisonindustrial system.
I'm actually against the prisonindustrial system.
The private for-profitindustrial system I think is
(28:35):
evil and I don't feel guiltyanymore.
My tears right now are becauseof what I said earlier and I
don't feel guilty anymore.
My tears right now are becauseof what I said earlier, but I
don't feel guilty anymore thathe went to prison.
I do think pedophilia isincredibly dangerous and, as I
found out later, I wasn't theonly child that he was messing
with.
But for a lot of my teen yearsI felt so guilty, I felt like I
(28:56):
sent him there.
Felt so guilty, I felt like Isent him there and if I keep
talking, I'll send other men toprison too, even if they deserve
it, which is so sad, becauseI've been assaulted since then
and, um, there is a man whoRAPD'd me and I never, never, um
, never, reported it and itthat's another way.
(29:20):
My voice was silenced because Iwas too afraid that I would
send another Black man to prison.
It's deep y'all.
It's really, really deep and Ijust am sharing that because I
don't ever want to make it smallhow big these issues are for
trauma survivors.
Okay, y'all, I had to take a, Ihad to take a break there for a
(29:47):
second because, lord, thisepisode is getting intense.
Oh, this is intense today andalready so long, but anyway,
abuse damages our self-identity,our worthiness.
It produces internalized shameand guilt that is not ours to
hold and, as you can surmise,this makes it seem like the
(30:09):
thoughts we are thinking are.
They're not valid, they're notworthy.
Why should anyone hear them,etc.
Etc.
This one was big for me, but adistorted self-perception is one
of the biggest ways I thinkabuse perpetuates.
In the mind of particularlychild survivors of sexual or
physical trauma, it's just theidea that it's your fault, that
(30:31):
you are a hoe or you're this oryou're that.
The negative self-image isimages, the beliefs that you
know, the words that someonesaid to you.
So you know I've talked onother and other mediums and
other podcast episodes beforehow I'm a narcissistic abuse
survivor and a verbal abusesurvivor.
In my second marriage I'm onlyfive years out, really just now
(31:01):
in like the last two yearsgetting a good deal of freedom
from all of the things that hesaid to me that made that I
believed about myself.
Because of things he said to mewhen we were married, marrying
an abuser, it's like the wholecycle started all over again.
God, okay, but anyway we're notgoing to talk about that.
That's a whole other episode.
(31:21):
Another thing I want to hit onmaladaptive coping mechanisms.
Ciao, I'm only laughing becauseI'm coping number one, but I
know we all have so many.
I mean I could just rattle themoff, but I'll just say a few
developing codependency, peoplepleasing, developing patterns of
people pleasing you know, doingwhat I did where you you can't
(31:43):
say no.
You're letting people have sexwith you that you don't want to
have sex with.
You're letting men abuse you ortalk to you any kind of way,
cheat on you.
You are coping with variousforms of addictions, whether
that be sex, alcohol, drugs,spending, etc.
Etc.
Like the.
The list of maladaptive copingmechanisms is long Emotional
(32:08):
suppression, not lettingyourself even feel the emotions.
I have a friend who was verytraumatized in childhood, like I
was, and she can't cry.
Like that's one of hermaladaptive coping mechanisms.
It's very, very, very, verydifficult for her to cry.
We all have different ones.
Meanwhile I'm over here cryingbaby.
You know I've had issues withsex and sexuality.
Some women have had issues withalcohol and alcoholism.
(32:30):
I mean, we all are dealing withit differently, but I think
it's easy for us to see if youknow, if you know you know your
own like maladaptive copingmechanism if you were not able
to get over the hump of thetrauma that you went through
without becoming someone thatyou're not, without being like
(32:53):
the true version of who you are.
That does not need those things.
Going through abuse and traumahas a very deep impact on the
way that our brain processesanxiety and fear, which often
leads to major major depressionin a lot of us.
I literally think this is kindof maybe potentially
controversial to say, but Iliterally think that nearly all
(33:15):
Black Americans have some formof complex PTSD.
There's a difference betweenPTSD and complex PTSD.
Complex PTSD is where youexperience so many instances of
trauma over the course ofseveral years or decades that it
like lives in your body andthen it is ingrained into your
(33:36):
DNA.
That is literally passed ongenerationally.
That's why I think thatprobably all Black Americans
have some form of complex PTSDalready because of what our
ancestors went through in thisquote-unquote great nation Eye
roll, heavy, heavy, heavy eyeroll.
But then, in addition to that,just everything we've been
through as a result but forthose of us who have a very high
(33:56):
A score is an indicator of yourchildhood trauma.
It can be very, very, verydifficult to grow up without
complex PTSD, which is ananxiety disorder.
So if you often have foundyourself having huge bouts of
anxiety.
You probably growing up as aresult of childhood trauma or
other trauma you've been through.
You probably have complex PTSDand it's worth looking at,
(34:19):
looking into there's otherphysical manifestations, of
course.
A lot of times people reportgoing through certain kinds of
trauma and having a physicalmanifestation of it, like when I
was growing up I was alwayspicking at my fingernails till
they bleed, picking at my skintill it bled and other things.
And when I was going throughdomestic violence in my second
(34:39):
marriage I starteduncontrollably shaking,
particularly around abusiveepisodes.
And then I also started havingwhat felt like heart attacks,
but they were panic attacks, butI was having them pretty
regularly in the last two years.
That was definitely a physicalmanifestation of trauma.
And finally, I could go on andon and on.
But the final one is if you'vehad difficulty forming healthy
relationships, that could bewith anyone a parent, a trusted
(35:01):
friend, a trusted lover, not sotrusted lover or friend or
parent, literally your child,literally anyone.
It's really hard to expressyourself authentically when you
don't have a voice and if youcan't express yourself
authentically, that definitelyhinders any sort of healthy
relationship from ever beingable to form.
Please remember that the waythat abuse affects people is
(35:23):
very individualized, veryindividualistic for each
individual.
Sorry, that was a weirdsentence, but I think y'all know
what I'm trying to say.
Like everyone experiences itreally differently, so if yours
doesn't look like mine, thatdoesn't mean your abuse was as
bad or not as bad or whatever.
This is not like the painOlympics or who had it worse
Olympics.
If you are experiencing thesethings and you know that your
(35:45):
voice is silenced, the biggestthing that we need to figure out
you and your therapist or yourtrusted friends or family or
people or partner or whatever ishow to heal so that you can
have your voice back and becomewho you were truly meant to be
Reclaim, reclaim, reclaim.
Let's move to some just basicsteps for reclaiming your voice,
and I'll try to share littlethings I've done along the way.
(36:08):
Y'all, I'm not exaggerating whenI say I've been doing this
since I was 11, like literallysince my dad went to prison and
that was like, I think, thewake-up call for me that I had
to find myself again.
Which is so weird to say thatat 11, to think about myself
that way, but it's really true.
Like that was I.
I understood that I was out assoon as I saw my dad in those
(36:29):
handcuffs walk away and look atme with the face, he looked at
me like like.
He really looked at me like youlittle bitch like I have just
been sentenced to, like I thinkhe originally got sentenced to
18 to 25 years of prison theface he gave me when he walked
away I just realized like I amout here fighting for my life, I
am out here fighting for mylife and I was 11.
(36:53):
And I just knew it was like.
I just knew like I'm gonna beout here fighting for my life
for the rest of my life andsadly, I made that happen.
I literally manifested that.
I manifested fighting for mylife with literally like every
man I've been involved withsince then.
Not every single one, that's anexaggeration, but many, okay
(37:14):
many y'all, because I know thatI've been like fighting for my
life for so long.
You know I'm 48 once I realizedthat I was 11.
So that's 30 something yearsthat I've been doing this
process over and over and overagain.
I've been doing these steps overand over and over again New
person, new step, new person,next step Back.
A step up, a step down, a step.
(37:34):
Y'all hear me, y'all get whatI'm saying.
But the first step isdefinitely acknowledging your
past and the trauma.
You have to get it out.
You have to tell somebody andI'm just going to kind of race
through some of these initialsteps because some of this stuff
is very basic and I know y'allknow it, but I do want to say it
Emphasize the importance ofself-compassion.
If you don't have compassion onChristianity, you have to kind
of break out of the idea of whatthey tell you is that you're
(38:00):
evil and you're just so evil andonly God can redeem you from
your evilness.
Start with something evilhappened to me and I'm not evil
that that thing happened to me.
I am love and I was alwaysloved and I never deserved what
I got ever.
Here's just a few things, a fewthings this is super basic that
we can do to practicallyreconnect with ourselves.
(38:22):
One and y'all know I'm gonnatalk about this all the time is
reflect self-reflect journal.
Start writing down everythingyou can about what you remember,
what you feel, where you're at,what you're having trouble
saying no to what you're havingtrouble saying yes to what
you're having troublearticulating.
Whatever you feel like is thedynamic.
(38:42):
That is the problem.
Write it down, y'all.
Write it down, just like ErykahBadu said write it down.
Start trying to be authenticwith yourself, just with
yourself, so that you're notafraid.
Write in your journal as if noone will ever see it and no one
ever has to.
But write it like no one willever see it, so that you just
feel free to just get it out.
(39:03):
Practice being assertive inwhatever you're writing.
A big thing that people don'ttalk about a lot is try to
figure out how to express whatyour core values are Like.
Make a big, long list of whatthey are, if that helps, just so
that you have a sense of likewhat is guiding me and should be
guiding my behavior that maybeI've been falling short on.
Another one is set very small,achievable goals about what
(39:25):
you're going to do to work onthe ways that you feel silenced
and the ways that you're notbeing assertive and the ways
that you're not using your voicethe way you should.
So, even if that's somethingreally little, like when I'm at
Subway, this is this is a real,true example for me.
Sometimes I never want to askthem for extra black olives
because I feel like I'm being amenace to society while drinking
(39:47):
my juice in the hood by askingthem for extra black olives,
like they will just judge me orsomething.
So that was like a small goalthat I set myself for myself is
that every time I go to Subway,I'm just going to ask for them
extra black olives because thatis what I want and I don't have
to be afraid.
I mean, I literally am sharingy'all, sharing that with y'all
(40:07):
as a real example of things I'vehad to do along the way because
I've been so afraid to use myvoice in certain circumstances,
and that is the that is the mostridiculous one of them all.
But it's true, y'all.
And that is the that is themost ridiculous one of them all.
But it's true y'all.
Like, I have tattoos that Idon't even like because I was
afraid to say something to theguy who was doing my tattoo.
I don't like that.
Or could you do that different?
Like what the fuck?
What the entire fuck?
(40:30):
Yeah, I'm not even lying.
I also think it's reallyhelpful to normalize the fear
that is associated with speakingup.
Like, just be honest withyourself.
Like, yeah, this is actuallyreally hard to do.
Write that down.
I acknowledge that this is hardto do and I'm just going to
like go ahead and do it anyway,but I do want to acknowledge
that I'm challenged in this areaor this area, or this area or
(40:54):
this area, and try to be reallyspecific about why you feel
challenged.
Is it because of you know pastcircumstances that happened with
your, with your dad or withyour mom, or you know you're
you're afraid of rejection fromyour boss, or, um, you're
feeling undeserving or unworthybecause A, b, c, d, z.
Just write it all down.
(41:15):
Another big way huge, huge waythat I have reclaimed my voice
and my power is just by using itwhen I'm scared.
Using it when I feel like otherpeople look at me, like I'm
cringe.
Using it every opportunity Iget, just living out loud.
One way I've done that and thisis gonna sound so crazy, but it
was so low entry that I justfelt like it was easy for me to
(41:37):
do.
But I started as soon asInstagram opened.
The story feature which was init was the.
It was literally in the middleof when I was being a victim of
domestic violence, when I wasbeing verbally, narcissistically
abused.
It was like 2016 or 2017, whereyou could start talking on your
Instagram stories.
Before you could only sharepictures.
You couldn't even share otherpeople's pictures.
You could only share yourindividual pictures.
(41:59):
You couldn't talk.
Okay, when they let you starttalking on instagram stories,
y'all, I started talking and Inever shut the fuck up.
I literally never shut up.
Still don't shut up on there.
But that was like the beginningfor me, to just practice talking
about what I was going through,and I felt better.
(42:20):
And I'm sure that I was sharingtoo much.
I'm sure I was oversharing.
I'm sure I was cringy.
I still think I'd be cringy nowbut I'm like, oh well, if
that's the worst thing about me,oh well, but at least I'm using
my voice.
At least I'm not afraid to usemy voice.
At least I'm advocating forother people.
At least the worst that canhappen is somebody who doesn't
(42:40):
care about me or doesn't love methinks I'm cringy.
Someone who doesn't pay mybills or add to my happiness
thinks that I'm cringy.
Why the fuck would I care?
Why?
Why?
I just think if we normalizethe fear of speaking up, it
actually just helps us to get itout anyway.
Here's four key questions to askyourself that I think will help
(43:03):
you as you move forward to findyour voice after losing it?
One, what is the worst thingthat could happen?
Two, what is the best thingthat could happen?
Three, what will happen if youstay silent?
And four, what would yourfuture self tell you to do?
That is a powerful ass question.
Y'all that's a powerful assquestion.
Like I'm my future self from my11 year old self, and if I were
(43:26):
to sit down and have aconversation with my 11 year old
self, I would tell her to doexactly what the fuck she did,
which was stick up for herself.
That little girl was so fuckingbrave, which was stick up for
herself.
That little girl was so fuckingbrave and so resilient.
I just look back at her.
That day, the testifying, thelawyer who tried to blame me,
the lawyer who literally lookedme in my eyeballs was when I was
(43:48):
on the stand and said you askedyour dad for it, didn't you?
You asked him for it, didn'tyou?
Didn't you ask to give him ablowjob on the stand with a
courtroom full of people, andthat little girl was so brave,
she actually made people laugh.
I forgot what exactly I said,but I got an attitude.
(44:10):
I copped a little funky assattitude problem with it and I
said something like oh yeah,okay, because what little girl
asked her dad, can I give you ablowjob?
And I said it in such a waythat I just remember people
laughed and I remember, likelooking around cause it was the
first time I was ever like youknow, I'm a speaker At like.
At heart I'm really a speakerLike I feel like that's like the
(44:33):
job that I never really tookreally seriously, but like who I
am, and so I feel like it wasthe first time I ever had, you
know, like a microphone and likeI was looking, I was like I got
my first laugh.
It was like wonderful.
And I just look back and I'mlike what a kick ass little girl
(44:53):
.
Like if I could sit her downright now.
I was like you are such abeauty Like, you're such a gem
You're, you are such a kick asslittle child.
I'm so, so proud of you.
You have no idea, I'm so proudof you.
And you know my 65 year oldself that's that's 17 years from
(45:13):
now I'll be 65.
What would she say to me now?
You know, what would she say tome now?
Like hey, I'm proud of youbecause when you were 48, you
did this, you said this, youstuck up for yourself, you stuck
up for other people.
I'm proud of you.
You know, like, do that, dothat exercise with yourself, do
that exercise with yourself.
I do think that it's good toarticulate that when you're just
(45:34):
learning to re-empower yourselfand reinvigorate yourself, it's
going to take a lot of practiceand a lot of missteps and start
with small, very actionablethings, like the subway thing,
like, like I mentioned.
You know, set very clearboundaries for yourself and just
try to practice little oneshere and there.
(45:55):
You know, like something I'vesaid before when I've talked
about dating, because the lastfour years I've been dating, you
know, trying to find an actualgood man who I'm like, actually
compatible with and who Iactually want to be with every
day, who doesn't like actuallyirritate the hell out of me and
who I like actually respect and,um, as you can see, like a bit
(46:20):
of hopelessness has set in aboutthe prospect of like ever being
with anyone who fits thatdescription.
But anyway, I have used datingas a way of like, like low
stakes ways of practicing beingassertive, because you know,
when you're on a dating app, ifa guy says something in the
profile, which they do, you knowlike, oh girl, I can't wait to
(46:43):
squeeze that ass.
You know it's a very low stakesthing to just to say you will
never squeeze that ass.
You know it's a very low stakesthing to just to say you will
never squeeze my ass, rot in thehell that I don't even believe
exists and then block them.
That's something I would neversay to a man in person, for
example.
It's just like a low stakes wayfor me to practice being very,
very assertive.
Or even when I went out onliteral dates with men and not
(47:05):
liked them, I have practicedarticulating to them.
I'm not interested in justmoving on instead of just
blocking people and notcommunicating.
Why one?
Because I think, even as awoman, even though I'm a very
strong feminist, feminist asfuck I still believe that just
blocking people withoutarticulating anything to them is
really just highly immature.
(47:26):
Y'all don't do that shit.
Don't do that shit, don't dothat.
But anyway, that's just mypersonal opinion.
I know there's women out there.
You don't owe men anything.
You don't.
You absolutely don't.
You cannot owe men a damn thingand still not be an asshole.
I think those two things canexist at the same time.
Also, if you're a multipletrauma survivor, then it's a way
for you to practicearticulating.
(47:47):
I just don't like you.
I'm just not that into you.
I just want to do somethingelse.
I'm interested in someone else.
I didn't have a great time onthe date.
It ain't that hard.
It actually has helped merealize that's not that hard to
do, even though in the past Ihave really struggled with that.
I do think it's really importantfor us trauma survivors to also
(48:08):
practice non-violentcommunication.
It's a way to get in touch withyourself and be at home with
yourself, for you to articulate.
Here is what I feel.
Here is what you do that makesme feel that way.
Here is how I would like foryou to not act in these ways.
And I'm not talking aboutdating anymore, I'm talking
about just all around you knowkids, parents, family, sister,
cousin, uncle, baby, daddy, etc.
(48:30):
I try to practice nonviolentcommunication.
And finally, y'all a few thingsto just really embrace your
authentic voice.
Number one it's a journey.
Like I said, it's a lifelongjourney.
Celebrate the journey,celebrate this whole big,
beautiful healing plan andrealize that there is never one
(48:51):
day where you feel like you'vearrived.
Now I can tell you that I feelmore arrived than I've ever been
, like if my healing journey waslike starting on ground zero
and there was like a longstaircase to heaven, into the
sky, and let's say there's 1000steps.
You know, like I can say, overthe course of my lifetime I've
(49:12):
been going up the steps andmaybe I'm on step 675 out of
1000 steps and maybe by nextyear I'll be on step 772.
But I'm still going up and I'mstill learning.
Like every day there'ssomething to learn or there's
something, there's some newcircumstances to really practice
it.
And I can tell you I don't wantto tell you the story, but there
(49:33):
was a situation really recentlythat I feel I felt very
silenced and I did not stick upfor myself the way I should have
.
Oh, it was in a work scenarioand with everything I've learned
and with all the healing I'vehad and all the experience and
healing, I still let a situationreally silence me and I look
back and I'm like damn, likewhat happened?
(49:55):
Like that situation really tookme off guard.
So I'm not you know, like Ialways say, I'm not telling
y'all from like a perfect orevolved place.
This is just me being honestwith y'all Like this ish is a
journey.
Please recognize that there isan ongoing nature of self
discovery and hopefully it willbe ongoing until we leave this
(50:17):
earth, in this life.
The next thing is no matter whathappens, be kind to yourself
and love yourself.
And that situation that I wasjust in recently, where I was
kind of disappointed in myselffor how I didn't stand up for
myself, I still practiced a lotof self-compassion and I'm still
learning to practiceself-compassion with myself,
because that situation it kindof took me to my knees a little
(50:40):
bit.
It really did.
It really took me to my knees,like, but I had to practice
self-compassion because Irealized if I get lost, if I get
buried under the rubble ofjudgment of how I didn't do this
right or how I didn't do thisright and in that circumstances
I could have done that I'llnever heal.
I'll never heal, and that'strue for you too.
You have to practice kindnesstoward yourself.
(51:01):
My final words of encouragementis just that oh my God, I'm
getting emotional again.
It's just that we are and whenI say we I mean black women we
are braver and more resilientthan I think we understand for
what we've been through.
That is something I have reallyinternalized over the course of
my lifetime.
It's just that a lot of peoplewould have already unalived
(51:25):
themselves if they had survivedwhat I've survived.
I've survived.
I know that for sure.
There's not even a doubt in mymind, not even a doubt, not even
a doubt, and that protects me.
You don't understand how muchprotection that puts around me.
When I even sense even a littlebit of judgment from other
people about how I've handledthings, about what I've done,
about the mistakes I've made.
(51:46):
It's almost like I just havethis beautiful, clear crystal
wall around me that keeps mefrom people's hatred and
judgment and their theories orwhatever they think they know
that they don't really know, orthings you know.
People will judge you onexperiences they've never had
and they have no idea what it'slike to live or survive through
the things you've been through.
And I just have it around meand it just serves as this very
(52:08):
beautiful, like bubble ofself-compassion, like you know,
in the movie Wicked, when shecomes down in that pretty bubble
in the beginning, that's what Ifeel like my bubble is and it's
just like I only really letlove into my bubble because I
know how resilient I had to beto build that up and and and
it's my safe space, you know.
(52:30):
And it's also like I don't letanyone else into that space
unless they are also very safeand practice love and
self-compassion, because it's soimportant for other people to
understand that.
So, anyway, I think I'm justtrying to say, like, create your
own bubble, create your ownbubble and don't let anyone
judge you, don't let anyone getto you about what you've been
(52:55):
through.
Okay, I believe in you.
I believe in you, anyway, y'all.
If you enjoyed this episode,please leave me a like,
subscribe.
If you're on YouTube, if you'reon Apple or spotify, please
subscribe.
And please leave me a review onapple podcast.
I beg of you, leave me a rating, follow me on all the socials.
I'm on instagram at graceunderscore, sandra underscore,
(53:17):
and also the podcast at out heretrying to survive podcast.
I also have this tiktok of thesame name, out here trying to
survive, and I have a newsletterthat I only put out once a
month and sometimes less, butplease join it just in case
these platforms ever go away orthey hate me and they hate my
social justice work and theyshut me down.
At least you'll be able to keepin touch with me on my
newsletter, so please sign upfor that and, like I always say
(53:38):
remember, you are a beautifulsoul, you're strong, resilient
and you are very capable ofbuilding and dreaming up a life
that you deserve.
Until next time, keep shiningand I'll see y'all later.
Bye.
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