February 18, 2025 • 48 mins
What if you could transform your harsh inner critic into a voice of warmth and understanding? Join me, Grace Sandra, on a heartfelt exploration of self-compassion, where I reveal the deeply personal journey that shifted my perspective from self-criticism to self-kindness. Through this episode, we unpack common misconceptions surrounding self-compassion and learn how it can be a practical, daily practice, especially for black women facing life's myriad challenges.
Reflecting on my own experiences, I delve into the roots of negative self-talk that sprouted in my childhood, shaped by familial interactions and racial dynamics. Growing up in a racially diverse family presented its unique challenges, which influenced my self-perception and beliefs about my intelligence. I share poignant stories from my family life, including the complex relationship with my mother and the impact of derogatory remarks from my brother. These narratives illuminate how early experiences can shape us and how self-compassion can help rewrite these internal scripts in adulthood.
Guided by the wisdom of my late counselor, Dr. Angie Hershey, I discuss the power of therapy in overcoming internalized shame and embracing self-kindness. This episode highlights the necessity of being "at home with yourself" and the transformative effect of self-compassion on resilience and emotional regulation. We explore practical steps to cultivate this vital practice, leading to healthier relationships and a stronger sense of self-worth. Tune in to discover how recognizing shared humanity and silencing the harsh inner critic can usher in healing, personal growth, and a profound sense of acceptance.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
you are a worthless fucking piece of shit.
You're a dumbass.
You have nothing to offer thisworld.
So that's a little briefsnippet of the kind of thing I
used to write in my journal tomyself, except I would write
like a whole page, a whole page.
Have you ever done anythinglike that before?
Have you ever written out yourweaknesses?
(00:25):
Whole pages worth of what youperceive to be the absolute
worst parts of yourself?
Have you ever heard thisquestion?
If I were to ask you what youloved, how long would it take
before you listed yourself?
No, because, for real y'all.
Have y'all ever noticed thatyou are so much harder on
yourself than you are on otherpeople?
(00:48):
Today I want to talk about theconcept of self-compassion,
because it's something thatpeople have told me over the
years that I'm really good atand I just, you know, want to
give myself my flowers first ofall.
But I have to say that I am I'mpretty damn good at it.
I'll acknowledge that, I'lladmit it, but it's only because
(01:10):
for a long time I was really badat it.
I would venture to say I wasthe worst at it.
For a really long time Iactually literally hated myself.
So today I want to talk aboutself-compassion.
There's so much, so much powerin self-compassion y'all, I'm
not even kidding.
It is such a beautiful way toheal yourself, such a beautiful
way, and it's so overlooked,it's so not talked about enough,
it's not practiced enough, it'snot ground into us enough.
Frankly, for my opinion, it'snot for my liking it is not
(01:33):
ground into us enough.
Self compassion is absolutelynot a form of indulgence or
going over the top, or somepeople will act a fool about,
like you, proclaiming that youlove yourself or that you're
compassionate on yourself, orthat you have a certain sense of
kindness to yourself, andthey'll actually have a problem
(01:53):
with it, which is weird to me,and we'll talk more about that.
But today I just want to sayright out the gate we're going
to be talking about the benefitsof self-compassion, the
benefits of kindness to yourself, how to do it and some of the
ways that I have done it, and ithas literally transformed my
whole life, because it's reallynot about, like letting yourself
off the hook.
It's not about letting yourselfoff the hook.
It's about being honest withyourself and facing absolute
(02:17):
reality and meeting it with thesame kindness that you would
give to someone else that youlove.
I've just met so many peoplewho struggle with this, and
because I've struggled with itso much, that's part of the
reason why I want to talk aboutit today.
So in this episode, we're goingto dive deep into
self-compassion, and if you wantto learn how to be kinder to
yourself, this episode is foryou.
(02:38):
You could literally be anywhereelse in the world, but you are
here with me.
So thank you so much, y'all.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
This podcast is a hope-grantedstorytelling space.
It's a warm hug of solidarityfrom me to you and all of the
black women in the world outhere trying to survive something
.
Okay, this is your new favoritepodcast.
Please sign up on Apple Spotify.
(03:00):
You know iHeart wherever youlisten to podcasts.
If you're on YouTube, honey,please give me a subscribe, like
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Podcasts are notoriously hardto grow because they're hard to
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So if you wouldn't mind takingan extra step and sharing this
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stories, please, please do so,especially if you think that
there is a black woman out therewho needs to hear the kind of
(03:23):
information that I'm sharingabout how to heal and survive
all the things that we're tryingto deal with in this world.
I'd appreciate it so much.
Thank you.
I'm Grace Sandra, an author, anadvocate and an activist, and
welcome to episode 17.
First, let me tell y'all astory For me.
My negative self-talk starteddirectly in the home.
(03:45):
So I was raised.
First of all, please forgive mythroat.
It's been like a month or twoof me having throat, cough
clearing, snot, nasal issues,which is so terrible because
every time I try to film apodcast I feel like it flares up
for some reason.
So my issue with like talkingnegatively to myself started
(04:06):
directly from hearing otherpeople talk negatively to me.
So I had a brother who was.
We were racially differentbecause I am biracial.
My mom is white and her kidsbefore she had me were all white
, and then my dad is black andhis kids before he had me were
all black.
Anyway, I was raised in mymom's house with my mom's white
children that she had before me,and they were raised in Detroit
(04:28):
when it was white.
Okay, this was the 70s, yeah,oh, white flight happened and
then the neighborhood turnedover and it was all black by the
time I was coming up, butbefore, when it was all white,
my siblings were enjoying theirlittle white friends in the
neighborhood right and then whenit turned over, the black kids
weren't feeling them becausethey were the only white family
left right.
So they were getting made funof and picked on and bullied,
(04:51):
hustled, stolen from.
You know all the little thingsthat happen when you're a
minority in a neighborhood.
And my white brother was alsoblonde hair, blue eyed, short,
skinny, 100, nothing, five feet,nothing, and he was just easy
to pick on.
And on top of all that he waskind of an asshole and his
response to being bullied byblack people was to then bully
me, his black sibling.
(05:13):
So I was called a stupid littleby my brother and often, even
if he didn't even if he didn'tcombine stupid little n-word, he
combined it with he would callme stupid quite a bit.
That was kind of his go-to,like when he would be mad at me
or angry or we'd be fightingabout whatever.
(05:33):
I was left alone a lot with mybrother because my mom, you know
, worked full-time.
She was a Detroit policeofficer.
Long story short, I was withhim quite a lot because my
sisters were off, my older whitesisters were off doing their
lives.
There was 10 years between mybrother and I, so he was often
babysitting me.
So I got called stupid a lot andbecause of him correlating and
(05:55):
putting together like you'restupid and you're black at the
same time, I really believed fora time that all black people
were in fact stupid, includingme and most especially me, and I
didn't pull that apart, thoselayers apart, for many, many
years.
But it really became a verydeep rooted lie, a very, very
(06:20):
deep rooted lie in my soul, thatI was stupid because I was
black.
And then there was a coupletimes I hate to even say this
because this is about my mom andmy story with my mom.
I want to share it sometime,like all of the whole story.
But my mom, you know she was aparanoid schizophrenic.
(06:41):
She was diagnosed paranoidschizophrenic, was diagnosed
paranoid schizophrenic, but wedidn't know she had a lot of
issues.
My mom was also very loving.
It's a very complicated feelingsI have about my mom, but I
almost sometimes hate to sayanything negative about her
because I know that she reallytried her best, okay, and I'm
not speaking from atrauma-bonded perspective like I
know that she, as someone whowas very, extremely mentally ill
(07:03):
, I think she showed love in somany ways.
So when I share stories of mymom not sharing love, just know,
I'm a little triggered likeit's hard.
It's hard on me to share thisshit.
But my mom, sometimes shecalled me stupid as well and I
don't think, you know, I couldtry to make excuses for her.
I don't think she understoodthe kind of damage that that
(07:23):
causes.
You know, don't forget, this wasthe late 70s, this was the mid
80s.
You know, back then therewasn't as much conversation
about mental health and therewasn't as much conversation
either about parenting and therewasn't the widespread amount of
information that we have abouthow we should parent and how we
shouldn't hit our kids and howwe shouldn't call them stupid
and how we should breastfeedthem.
(07:44):
And you know, a lot aboutparenting was pushed to the
forefront with the World WideWeb.
Okay, but this was before that.
I just say all those caveatsbecause of the internal battle I
have about sharing my momcalling me stupid.
But she did a few times and itwasn't all the time either.
I want to make that clear.
But sometimes when you hearsomething like that from someone
(08:05):
who is your, you know primarycaregiver, it really sticks.
It really really sticks.
And my mom.
You know the way she did it.
What are you stupid?
That's how she would do it.
You know she wouldn't sayyou're stupid directly.
She would just be like what areyou stupid?
Why did you do that?
What are you stupid?
You know that kind of thing.
And I think the combination ofmy dad or not my dad, sorry, my
(08:25):
brother calling me the stupidlittle n word and my mom asking
me it really just very muchsolidified in my little baby
brain that I was in fact stupid.
And the thing is y'all is I'mactually not, but I'm not at all
, but I believed that I was.
That's the key is I believedthat I was.
(08:47):
For several years, I would sayit didn't really occur to me
that I wasn't stupid.
It didn't really like solidifyin my brain, I think, until I
was like 35.
And by that time I already had,you know, grown up, obviously,
(09:08):
graduated from high school,graduated with a bachelor's
degree with like a 3.6 GPA.
You know it wasn't the best,but it also wasn't the worst.
It did take me a long ass time,but that's another story.
I was working, I was enjoyingsome success career wise, I was
speaking all over the countrySometimes.
You know, I was a mom and I wasconfronted with it.
(09:32):
Actually, when I started amaster's program and yeah,
that's a whole nother story butI was confronted with the fact
that I still walked around as ifI were a person who was stupid
who's pretending to be smartaround as if I were a person who
was stupid who's pretending tobe smart, and what I realized
was that I was a smart personwho had negative self beliefs
and that was, you know, in someways kind of crushing and in
(09:56):
some ways a little bit crushing,but anyway.
But honestly, being stupid andbeing called stupid was just one
of the many, many things that Ibelieved negatively about
myself that I continue to affirmover and, over and over and
over again.
So I was always a big journaler.
I either ever since I was like11 or 12.
(10:17):
I don't even know how young.
Ever since I was little, I wasalways writing my thoughts in
journals After I got married.
I got married pretty young thefirst time, when I was like 22,
21 or 22.
I think something about beingmarried young and really being
out on my own.
Also, at that time, my mom waskind of really losing it.
Her schizophrenia was gettingso much worse.
And so I was really strugglingin a lot of different ways with
(10:40):
kind of being kind of alone inthe world without my mom at all
in any way.
But marriage was just.
Marriage was so hard on me whenwe first got married, like I
really I got married way tooyoung and I was not in the mood.
You know that's that's thenicest way I can say how
immature and kind of a jackass Iwas.
(11:02):
I was just not in the mood.
I didn't want to do nobody'slaundry, I didn't want to cook,
I didn't want to clean, I didn'twant to relate to him, I didn't
want to have long conversations, I didn't want to work on it, I
didn't want to be faithful, Ididn't want, I didn't want it.
It was almost like I thought Ineed to get get married, I gotta
(11:24):
get married.
This is what god and Jesus andchristians and everyone is
saying we should do, and Ireally did love him.
But I'm just saying, to sum itup in like the most Simplified
way possible, I think like ayear into it I was just like
this is this sucks?
Like I'm way too young for this.
I want to date other people, Iwant to sleep with other people.
(11:46):
I want to be out in thesestreets, I don't want to be
taking care of a home.
I was just not in the mood,yeah, and so I wasn't a great
wife.
You know, just to be clear, Iwasn't unfaithful, I just was
always tempted, and I was alwayslike looking at other men, like
wishing, like, oh, I wish Ichose him, wish I chose him, I
(12:06):
wish I chose him.
It was so fucking ridiculousbecause I was so immature and
not ready for marriage.
But the reason why I'm sharingthat with y'all here's how it
correlates because y'all y'allwere like Grace, get to the
motherfucking story.
Okay, let me get to the story.
How it correlates is thatbecause I was having all of
these struggles and I was not inthe mood to be married and
didn't want to be married.
I was in a very sternevangelical Christian community
(12:30):
and so it was always like you'rebad, you want to be with other
men, you're bad.
You want to have more sexyou're bad.
You want to enjoy sex moreyou're bad.
You, your house is messy,you're bad.
You're not doing enoughfundraising you're bad.
You're not doing enough for thechurch you're bad.
There were so many things thatwere just like you're constantly
(12:51):
failing, and then also themessage of evangelical
Christianity.
You're evil, you're born evil.
You're a slime.
You're a worm.
Fall before God and his mercyand maybe he will have mercy on
you, but really you're a slimeball.
Just FYI, like, stay in shamebecause you are slime.
And I'm giving you like a realoversimplified view of the kind
(13:14):
of messaging that I was gettingand why my journals ended up
saying like you're a piece ofshit.
Oh, you're tempted to be withanother guy.
You're a piece of shit.
You, you can't keep your houseclean.
You're a piece of shit.
You, you can't keep your houseclean.
You're a piece of shit.
You're lazy, you can't raiseenough money.
You're a piece of shit.
You're not good, you don't.
You didn't pray today.
You're a piece of shit.
You didn't have a 30 minutequiet time like you,
(13:34):
motherfucking piece of shit.
It was just like everything Idid at that time there was no I
had.
I had such little behavioralcontrol.
I think that's what I'm tryingto say.
There are times in life, I feellike, where you know, depending
on how you've been raised inyour childhood or whatever, like
where you get basic behavioralcontrol issues under control,
(13:57):
but it's still really not alwaysa reflection of your character,
but for me I don't really thinkit was.
I think I just was reallystruggling with basic control
issues, basic self control andself discipline issues and as a
result I really felt like I ammaybe the worst person ever and
(14:18):
I also did not know I had.
I for sure had complex PTSD.
I got married coming right outof pretty extreme trauma with my
mom.
Literally the last decadebefore I got married was pretty
extreme trauma, with my mom justgetting worse and worse and
worse and worse, and I was theonly person she was living with
and taking it out on.
(14:38):
And then the decade before thatwas an entire decade of being
abused by my dad.
There's no way I went intomarriage without having complex
PTSD.
I for sure had complex PTSD.
I for sure I look back now andknow I had ADHD.
I couldn't focus, couldn't keepmy light together.
I for sure had all sorts ofbehavioral issues.
(15:01):
I was struggling with prettysevere depression and anxiety
issues as a result of thecompounding trauma I had been
through.
I'm only sharing that to say,like my life really I really was
struggling, but it wasn'tbecause I'm such an inherently
bad person.
The only lens that anyone couldgive me was you're fucking up
(15:22):
your life and God is not pleased.
That anyone could give me wasyou're fucking up your life and
God is not pleased.
And it ended up leading intolike literally a decade more of
journaling about how bad I was,how terrible I was, how mean I
was, how angry I was.
Anything that came up duringthe day that I felt any bit of
shame about or anyone put on me,I felt extreme, extreme shame
(15:46):
about it.
And it was really sad becausethere were so many different
points over the course of all ofthose years that I felt like,
why am I here?
You know, if I'm such aterrible person, I would have
journal, literal, entire journalpages filled with me saying
negative, horrible things aboutmyself.
And it was like why am I here?
(16:08):
If I am this person, thisperson is so evil, then why the
hell am I here?
You know that's, you know theeffect it had on me, but also
you know I think it's safe tosay no-transcript will not ever
(17:10):
heal or feel any sort of reliefor get any sort of healing
whatsoever until he comes toterm and has offers himself some
self compassion.
I know that sounds so fuckingcrazy Like, why does this man
who murdered his three childrenget to have self compassion?
I mean, I guess that's yourworldview, because I do believe.
I do believe there is somelevel of redemption for all of
(17:33):
humanity.
I do believe there isredemption possible.
I don't think he should get outof prison, but I do think that
if I knew him and he were myfriend, I would encourage him to
go on a process of healing, andthat would include some self
compassion.
So if even a man who murderedhis three children can have, can
experience freedom and healingfrom like the tremendous amount
(17:55):
of guilt and shame that you feelwhen you do wrong things, I
believe that normal, everydaypeople who are struggling with
like normal, everyday basichuman things that all humans
struggle with, I believe that wetoo can live a life of freedom
and we don't have to live withlike constant guilt, shame,
terror, feelings ofworthlessness and wanting to die
(18:16):
.
And I was completely stuck.
So I think.
So what started my journey withrealizing that I had to offer
myself some self compassion wasone of my counselors I had been.
I've been in therapy on and off.
Okay, I've been in therapy.
Okay, your girl has been intherapy but one of my counselors
.
Her name was Dr Angie Hershey.
May she rest in peace.
She is gone now, but she wasthe first person.
(18:39):
She said something sosignificant to me that I'll
never, ever, ever, ever forget,like it was one of the most
significant therapeutic piecesof advice that I've ever got.
You know, something will juststick with you and she was just.
She always said to me.
I should say she said to meseveral times Grace, you're not
at home with yourself, you'renot at home with yourself.
And part of the reason why thatstuck with me is because I
(19:03):
never understood what the fuckshe meant until after she died,
literally till after she died.
I didn't get it.
There was just so many times Iwould be like, what do you mean?
And it was interesting becauseher strategy was that she would
never outline it for me.
Yeah, I'm telling you, she musthave said it to me in like 10
different sessions, because Isaw her over the course of three
(19:24):
years, but she would neverreally like give it all to me.
She would.
She would say things like Iwant to encourage you to find
ways to be at home with yourself.
How are you not at home withyourself?
You don't welcome yourself, youdon't love yourself.
So she would go into it alittle bit, but there wasn't any
real like okay, in order to beat home with yourself, you need
(19:44):
to do A, b, c, d, e, f and G andthen you will be at home with
yourself.
But she would always point outwhen I would share stories of
what was going on or what I wasstruggling with, she would point
out that I wasn't at home withmyself.
And I remember so many timesbeing like Angie I'm so
frustrated that you keep sayingthat what do you want me to do?
(20:05):
What the fuck do you want me todo?
To be at home with myself?
I don't fucking know.
Okay, like bitch, just give itto me.
I would be that frustrated withher, but part of it, part of it
is that how can you be at homewith someone you're constantly
yelling, screaming and sayinghorrible things to, or someone,
and now that I have been throughdomestic violence and lived
(20:28):
through a marriage where someonewas literally like yelling,
screaming, belittling, demeaning, dehumanizing, how could I ever
be at home with him?
I couldn't.
I couldn't ever be at home withhim in the way.
I don't mean like literallyphysically in the same home, but
like how could I ever be athome with him?
I couldn't.
I couldn't ever be at home withhim in the way I don't mean
like literally physically in thesame home, but like how could I
ever feel at home and feel safewith someone who's saying
things to me that are constantlybelittling me?
(20:50):
And I was telling her that Iwas doing that and I think she
was reflecting that to me Likeyou cannot and you are not at
home with yourself while you area menace to society, while
drinking your juice in the hoodin your journals.
You're a menace to yourself,you're not at home with yourself
(21:10):
.
That was the first time that itreally occurred to me that I had
a really big issue, becausewhen she said that I immediately
, when I started thinking aboutwhat that meant and the
implications for that, Iimmediately thought well, I
can't change, I can't change,I'm not going to ever change
that I can't.
You know, stop pointing out thetruth Like.
The truth is I am a failure.
(21:30):
The truth is I am dumb.
The truth is I am stupid.
The truth is I am a seductress.
I am.
You know all the things theysay about me.
I am angry and you know a lotof it was lies, a lot of it was
(21:52):
lies, lies, lies.
You sit on a throne of lies Alot of the stuff that people
told me and why I have like alot of bitterness right now
towards like the ways that beinginvolved so deeply in
evangelical Christianity, how itformed and kept me imprisoned
in a lot of ways.
But anyway, she was thebeginning of that journey and
then I think what pushed me overthe edge was I started going to
(22:14):
seminary for a Masters ofDivinity so that I could master
the divine instead of beingmastered by the divine, and I
had to take a class, a spiritualdirection class, and have a
spiritual director which isbasically kind of like a
spiritual coach essentially, andthat was really fucking deep.
(22:36):
That was super deep.
My spiritual, my class of myspiritual director was deep.
It wasn't really a class, itwas just me and him meeting and
talking about deep shit, andthen I had to write deep papers
and then I had to, like you know, take a bunch of like
personality tests and shit.
So I don't even know what theywere, but they were like ones
that took several hours, likehours and hours and hours, and
(22:57):
had like results.
That was like a 30 page PDF.
Okay.
So it was pretty fucking deep.
That spiritual direction classwas a little bit life changing
because he directly called outto me like you are believing a
series of lies about yourself.
And he was like I don't seesomeone who's dumb at all.
(23:17):
Like what are you even talkingabout?
I think him identifying thatand just saying it real, like
confused, like what girl?
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
I think it was just helpful forme Because I was just like yeah
, I'm talking about me, I'm dumband I struggle to not be, and
(23:40):
he's like no girl, what.
That was so, so helpful.
And then I think I don't knowthat started this journey of me,
like well, if that's not true,you know, if I'm in fact, if I'm
in fact not dumb, then whatelse isn't true, you know?
And that was really interesting.
(24:01):
And then I got a differentspiritual director as a part of
my job.
We were assigned a spiritualdirector because I was working
in ministry and her name isAlice T and I love Alice T.
We're still friends and Alice Treally called out in me this
horrible habit of talkingnegatively to myself, writing
(24:23):
out the journal pages, speakingterribly to myself, and she
challenged me to try to write tomyself in a way that I would
hear God, god as a loving God.
God is the way that at thattime, and still to this point
today, that Alice T and Ibelieved that God is love, that
God's voice is love, that theway that God sees humanity is
(24:47):
with kindness and mercy andcompassion, and that God desires
justice and love and provisionand abundance and mercy and
compassion for all humans.
And she challenged me to viewmyself in a way that God sees me
as love, lovable, worthy andgood overall.
(25:12):
And I started to shift slowly,slowly, slowly shift.
And that was a long processbecause I could say something to
myself that was like nice, youknow, on a Tuesday and then like
three months will go by and Iwould be saying mean stuff to
myself the whole time abouteverything horrible that was
(25:32):
happening, and then anotherTuesday would come by and I
would say something nice.
So it was like a really very,very slow process.
Okay, but I was, I, the seedshad been planted.
But what I want you all to knowis that from the time that I
really first, you know, when Ifirst saw Dr Hershey, angie,
when I first saw Angie, I wasmaybe like 29 or so and by the
(25:56):
time I had went to seminary andhad the spiritual direction
class and then had my spiritualdirector, with who I was working
with, and began this slowprocess of like unearthing all
of these horrible things that Ibelieved about myself.
There was probably like eightto 10 years maybe that elapsed
that I was just kind of.
It was always in the back of mymind like hey, be nicer to
(26:16):
yourself, be kinder to yourself,start to replace those thoughts
.
It was just so few and farbetween.
But there was something thatfinally shifted for me and
that's what I want to tell y'all.
What really shifted for me was,honestly, I, when I got married
for a second time and I marriedsomeone who is a very, very
(26:37):
severe verbal abuser.
Verbal abuse is not just namecalling, it's not just yelling.
Those are, in fact, two formsof verbal abuse out of 15
different ways that one can beverbal abused, and he was
practicing all 15.
It's basically when you attempt, when you use 15 different
(26:57):
strategies, to take power andcontrol over another person
through communication, primarilyverbal.
And when I realized that that'swhat I was experiencing, I
realized that I was experiencinga level of dehumanization that
I had never experienced before,particularly because I grew up
with, like I said, a brother whopracticed name calling and
(27:21):
verbal insults, and so I knewwhat that felt like.
But my brother didn't do all ofthe other ones, but my second
ex-husband, he did all of themand there was a point at which I
realized, if my ex-husband myhusband at the time is verbally
assaulting me in every way, 20to 30 times a day and it was
(27:45):
killing me, it was rotting mefrom the inside out, I realized,
if he's doing that and I'mdoing it, I will die.
I will absolutely die.
There is no way I could survivetwo people verbally assaulting
me.
It's, you know, just one.
(28:05):
Just what he was doing was soshocking and off-putting and the
level of cognitive dissonancewas so high because I'd never
experienced all 15 ways that youcan verbally abuse someone.
I'd never experienced anythingother than name calling and
yelling.
Those are the only two ways I'dever been verbally abused, but
(28:29):
to experience all of them, thecognitive dissonance was so
severe anyway.
But I was also being mean tomyself, per my use, per my use
like, per my whole other life,like what I had always been
doing because of growing up withverbal insults, you know, and
growing up with with, with, withname calling and yelling, and I
(28:50):
realized the two of us, we willkill me, it will kill me and
and, and I felt like he waskilling me slowly, anyway, that
that that is what changed thingsfor me Huge, hugely changed
things for me.
It was like you have to change.
(29:13):
You have to change.
There is no way you willsurvive this life if you do not
stop verbally assaultingyourself.
It wasn't even about like somespiritual journey, like oh, I
just got to be more selfcompassionate, I just got to
love myself more, I just got toaffirm myself more, I just got
(29:35):
to talk to myself kindly,because that's what I need to do
.
It was like bitch, you will notfucking survive If you don't
get your shit together.
Even that is like a prettyrough.
But there was a part of me thatwas just like it's now or never
and you have three kids.
You have three kids whose lifewill never be the same if you
(29:58):
leave it, because you have notsurvived all of the abuse that
you have endured.
So I want to give you some tipsfor how, what is
self-compassion in general, andhow to practice it and how and
why I got through it to thepoint where I'm actually so good
at it.
Now I'm actually so good at itand I can just tell y'all, like
(30:20):
with a true, genuine smile on myface, like, wow, I actually
surmounted something so big,that was such a big thing in my
life and I'm so proud of myself.
First of all, self compassion,just in a nutshell, is treating
yourself how you would treatanother friend If another friend
came to you and they werecrying and lamenting because,
let's just say, they cheated ontheir husband or something like
(30:40):
that.
Actually, no, that's not a goodexample.
Let's just say they, you know,got into a car accident.
It was accidental, they didn'tmean to, and they totaled their
husband's car and they feltreally bad.
Like are you going to sit thereand scream at them and be like
you, fucking idiot?
I can't believe.
You fucking totaled your car,you stupid ass bitch.
Like, no, you're not going todo that.
You're going to literally havea sense of like, you know, oh my
(31:03):
god, it was an accident, youdidn't mean to Like you, you
were doing the best you could atthe time with which you knew,
and you still got into anaccident.
So that's the first like, thinkof self-compassion, like that
number one.
Number two, like I said before,suffering and mistakes are just
part of the human existence.
Like I I shouldn't have to saythat, but like I just feel like
(31:23):
I need to because, yes, this allexists on a spectrum.
Like you know, I talked aboutthe guy earlier who, like,
murdered his three kids.
The hypothetical guy, which weknow has happened before, but
like the hypothetical,non-hypothetical murder
murderous man and us over here,everywhere in between, who've
made mistakes along the line of,you know, values and morals
that are some are really goodand some are really bad.
(31:46):
But, no matter what, we're stillall human, make mistakes and it
is inevitable that we will failand it is inevitable that
imperfection is part of thehuman experience.
And so we have to have somelevel of just baseline
compassion for our humanity.
We are humans, you are just buthuman.
(32:07):
You are but dust.
That is one part of thescripture I think is really
poignant and helpful that whenit says you are but dust.
You are dust, from dust youcame and from dust that will
return to dust in the fieldwhich the deer will eat.
(32:34):
You know, it's the circle oflife.
It's the circle of life.
So in that way, you're notalone.
None of us are alone.
We're all going to makemistakes, we're all going to do
stupid shit, we're all going toneed forgiveness, we're all
imperfect.
Another component of selfcompassion is literally just the
mindfulness that these momentswill pass.
We can observe the fact that wefeel stupid, we can observe the
(32:56):
fact that we feel evil, but wedon't need we don't actually
literally need to worry about it, or literally like focus on it,
like there is no benefitscientifically, psychologically
or otherwise, by like focusingon I feel like I'm evil.
I feel like I'm, you know, abad person because of this, this
(33:17):
or that you know.
And some of y'all might be likebut you, but if you did this,
if you did that, then you are abad person.
That's neither here nor there.
The question is does it help usto focus on whether or not,
when we made a mistake, we didwhat we did?
Does it help us to focus on thefact that we feel like we're an
evil person or a bad person?
There is no psychological orscientific evidence that says
(33:41):
yes, that's helpful.
Marinate on it, think about it,dwell on it, write a whole
journal page about how you're anevil person.
I think there's like this myththat if we have compassion for
ourselves, that it's somehowweakness or that it's somehow
complacency or that it's evensomehow selfish.
Like where the hell does thisshit come from?
No, no, no, just no.
(34:01):
On the contrary, there's awhole lot of benefits of
self-compassion and I can tellyou, as someone who has
benefited from them in thesepast, I would say for me now
it's been probably like sevenyears that I've been practicing
self-compassion, but these lastlike two or three, y'all I have
been, I have been on it, I havebeen on the self-compassion game
(34:26):
and y'all.
It's really changed the gamefor me in so many ways.
So let me just give y'all someof the benefits real quick.
One is that self-compassionactually regulates these
negative emotions that can getreally out of control For
someone.
If you're someone like me andyou experience like really deep
emotions, if you feel youremotions like really really
deeply, then you probably have ahard time regulating when
(34:49):
you're feeling like high anxiety, high depression, like high
anger, high shame, high guilt.
Whenever you're experiencingthat like in severity, self
compassion regulates it, ittakes it down and I don't know
if you've ever struggled withlike extreme anger, extreme
guilt or extreme shame, butanything that can like pull that
down to normal, to equilibrium,is a really good fucking
(35:10):
feeling, okay.
The next benefit of selfcompassion is resilience.
When you have self compassionon yourself, you're able to
bounce back better.
There's a lot of scientific andpsychological evidence about
this that I've read about andheard about and I can't think of
any one place right now, but Iknow it's true and you can
Google it if you want to is thathaving self compassion builds
(35:32):
resilience, because you're likeoh, I fell, oh, it's okay,
Everybody falls, you'll be allright, get back up again, girl.
And so you get up again becauseyou have the resilience,
because you had self compassionon yourself, whereas if you fall
and you're down and you're likebitch, you're stupid, worthless
loser.
Look at you, you fell, youasshole.
How easy can you get back upfrom that when someone's like
yelling in your ear about whatan idiot you are, about falling
(35:55):
down Like it does not buildresilience?
The third thing is is thatpeople don't really understand
is that when you haveself-compassion, it actually
leads towards motivation,towards better behavior?
People think that selfcompassion is not a catalyst for
positive change.
But it is.
It does catalyze you to changein positive ways.
Because when you're less afraidof failure, part of the fear of
(36:17):
failure is people kicking youone of your down and saying like
you failed, you failed, youdumb idiot.
But if you're not afraid offailure because you're like, oh,
my failure is going to be metwith self compassion, then
you're like, oh, my failure isgoing to be met with
self-compassion.
Then you're like, let's tryagain, let's go again, let's get
back in the ring because maybeI won't fail.
Another benefit ofself-compassion is that when you
(36:37):
are compassionate on yourmistakes and the feelings and
whatever it is you're feelingheavy about or need to heal, the
self-compassion silences theinner critic.
It silences the inner criticand we know the inner critic is
a loud ass bitch.
I mean, the inner critic isjust so loud and if you can
(36:59):
silence that, it's going todramatically increase your
self-worth and that's such abeautiful feeling.
It's really worked for me and Ilove it here.
Another huge part of selfcompassion that is drastically
underrated is that really helpsyour relationships get better
female relationships, your, yourgirlfriends, your peers, your
co workers, your romanticrelationships, your parenting to
(37:22):
child, child to parentrelationships, cousin to cousin.
There is no relationship thatdoes not benefit from you having
self-compassion on yourself,because when you have
self-compassion on yourself, itfosters healthier boundaries.
In all of these relationshipsyou're literally able to speak
up for yourself more.
It reduces the need forexternal validation for someone
(37:43):
to say like you're fine, you'refine, you're fine Because you're
coming from the place whereyou're like I'm fine, I'm good,
I'm okay, I fell, but I'm goingto get back up.
I don't need to drain you ofyour very lifeblood and life
cells trying to get validation,because I can get it for myself.
I would like to lead you througha little exercise to practice
(38:03):
self-compassion for yourself,and that is to sit down with
your journal and I want you toacknowledge the suffering that
you've caused yourself by beingmean to yourself, the things
you've said to yourself that arehorrible.
It could be the ways you'vetreated yourself that are
horrible, that you know of.
You know, for example, ifyou've, you know, drank yourself
into a stupor or something likethat, like anything like that
(38:27):
where you know I have notpracticed self-compassion with
myself.
I want you to sit down andwrite it out.
I want you to acknowledge it.
I want you to write somethingabout your shared common
humanity with the rest ofliteral entire globe, who also
are humans, who've made mistakesand done things they're not
proud of.
And then I want you to offeryourself some words of
(38:49):
compassion and kindness.
I want you just to write awhole paragraph of nice things
to yourself and let me telly'all that's not easy to do.
It's not easy to do the firstfew times, for sure.
The first I don't know how manytimes I did things like this I
cried, you know, really reallyheavily, deeply cried Probably
(39:11):
one because it was so need andnecessary.
It was like, you know, pouringwater into a desert, dry, well,
but also because, if you'venever heard those words from
anyone else, it can be jarring.
So that's a littleself-compassion exercise that I
would like you to do, if youwouldn't mind.
(39:32):
When you do that, it's amindfulness hack as well,
because you're drawing like,you're bringing mindfulness and
you're observing the emotions.
You know that you used to feel,or that you still do feel,
without judgment.
And when you remove thatjudgment like, it really is a
beautiful, beautiful way to loveyourself.
(39:53):
When you can get to the pointwhere you can love yourself
without judgment, I'm tellingyou, your whole life will change
.
And that's literally where I amnow.
Another thing that you can trythat I have done several times
is write yourself a letter fromthe perspective of a different
friend, and usually for me, Iwrite it from the perspective of
God, just because I've alwaysbeen someone who's in touch with
(40:15):
and close to my spirituality.
So, and even now, even thoughmy life looks very different as
a decolonized Christian who hasdivested from evangelical
Christianity, I still considermyself to be a follower of Jesus
and I still believe in God andthat God is love and that God
loves all of us and wants thebest for all of us.
So I tend to write myselfletters from God, and it's just
(40:38):
the most loving, because Iimagine God is the most loving
entity that's ever existed andever will exist.
So when I'm writing myself aletter from God, it's just all
love.
There's nothing.
There's nothing that's not like, just full on, like I love you.
You are the best thing sincesliced bread.
You're amazing, you'rebeautiful, you're kind, you're
(40:59):
generous.
It's just the most generouswords that I could say to myself
.
I say when I'm writing myself aletter from God, but sometimes
I write myself a letter fromolder me or younger me.
I've done a lot of those kindsof exercises as well, and those
are beautiful, beautiful formsof self-compassion Beautiful, I
(41:19):
will say.
For me, to kind of wrap up myown journey with this, is that,
you know, the big catalyst, likeI said, was when I was married.
But then what had happened wasI started getting deep into
manifestation, teachings andreading and learning about the
power of literal physical vibes,vibrations, and reading a lot
(41:40):
from Dr Joe Dispenza and thingslike that, and I'll link some
books in the show notes ifyou're interested in learning a
little bit more, because that'sbeen really life changing for me
.
But what I realized is that,you know, we as vibrational
beings emit vibrations thatmatter, that affect our reality
and affect people around us.
And once I really realized likethose, not just it, for me it
(42:04):
went from like ceasing allnegative talk and trying to
practice self-compassion whenpossible to like overflowing
myself with positive thoughtsand real, loving, generous
thoughts about myself.
So now you know, I went fromsaying the most horrible, evil
stuff to myself all the time tosaying the most beautiful,
amazing things to myself andabout myself all the time.
(42:27):
There was a long time I was inthat middle.
There's a long time I was inthis section for like 10 years
where I was kind of stuck.
And then when I went through myabusive marriage and had to
change, I was in that middlesection where I just kind of
ceased saying negative thingsabout myself and I was trying to
build myself up.
But it was hard because everytime I would go down a step, he
would, you know, go up a step,he would push me.
(42:54):
Know, go up a step, he wouldpush me down, go up a step, push
me down.
And after I got out of thatmarriage and started really
looking into and learning aboutvibrations and positive
vibrations and the power of ourvibrational output, is when I
started on this journey where Ilike go overboard, now almost to
the point where the things Isay to myself are so loving and
so kind that I don't even havespace or room to say anything
negative about myself anymore.
(43:14):
I just don't have space for itbecause now I tell myself I love
myself all the time and I'mtrying to live in that and it's
a much different existence thanthe existence of shame that I
lived for the first you knowwhat, 30, almost 35 years of my
(43:35):
life.
It's kind of crazy to look backon to think that I lived like
that and that that was somehowsustainable.
It's just weird and what I cantell you is that these last two
or three years, especially that,I've went like hard.
Like the last three years Ihave went hard, hard on learning
about manifestation andpositive vibrations, meditation,
(43:59):
positive affirmation, selfcompassion, self love, self
healing.
I've went so fucking hard on itand what that has done has been
so transformative in my healingjourney as I've continued to go
through really hard stuff.
You know it's not like theselast three years.
I haven't been going throughreally hard things, really very
(44:19):
difficult mental health issuesthat I've talked about before.
Like due to perimenopause.
I've had pretty severe suicidalideations in these last three
years as well.
I've, as a result of like Ireally do, going on three years
(44:49):
and have had severe depressionand anxiety episodes and no
ability to focus, and it's beenhard.
So when I say like, I've beenstill going hard, intense, with
building myself up, tellingmyself I love myself, like I've
seen myself heal from somepretty significant shit, you
(45:13):
know I just I just want to besure that you don't think I'm
exaggerating.
It's not like it's been allroses and good feelings over
here, okay, it's not like it'sbeen like.
Oh my god, my life has justbeen blowing up and glowing up
for three years and in that timeit's you know it's it's been
amazing and I've been tellingmyself I love myself, I feel
like no, on the contrary, it'sbeen really challenging and what
(45:35):
I've seen is that me changingthe way that I talk about myself
and talk to myself and haveself compassion, has led to some
pretty intense, significanthealing, and I can see that now,
like even the fact that I cando this now, what I'm doing now,
like the way that I'm leading,sharing, teaching, leading in my
podcast and just in life ingeneral, I can see that that is
(45:57):
a result of the self compassionthat I've practiced.
That never would have happenedif I hadn't hadn't have done it.
So I really, truly believe inthis.
I just, you know, want to make aquick disclaimer, like I'm not
a therapist, y'all.
I'm not a therapist.
I've never been a therapist.
I'm not trained as a mentalhealth professional Although
actually that's not entirelytrue I do.
(46:18):
I do have certification as amental health first aider.
That was actually certified,but that was some years ago, and
I just want to encourage you toseek professional help Like I'm
not.
I'm not offering professionalhelp.
I'm offering advice as a womanwho's been through a lot and who
has survived a lot and who hasat times been my own worst enemy
(46:40):
, and I have to takeaccountability for all of the
ways that I have harmed my life,and what I'm trying to share
with y'all is ways that I havelearned not to harm myself and
to do better for myself and tolove myself.
As someone who, you know, has avery severe trauma background,
this stuff is not easy for me,so I never, ever, teach or get
(47:03):
on this microphone as your elderor authority.
Maybe, just maybe I am olderthan you, so maybe an elder in
that way, but like, not as anauthority and certainly not as a
therapist.
Just FYI, as a quick aside, thisepisode is brought to you by
Grace Actually.
Memoirs of Love, faith, lossand Black Womanhood.
You can find my book on Amazonin digital or hard copy.
(47:25):
Please pick up a copy.
I like to think it's actuallypretty damn good.
If you're not yet, please,please, subscribe on YouTube,
apple and everywhere.
As I said earlier, if you lovethis episode, do me a favor, go
to Apple podcast and leave me areview.
I'm really trying hard to growthis podcast and to make it into
my full time income because Ido not and cannot work outside
(47:46):
of the home due to mental healthissues.
It's just too fucking hard.
This is my career, so pleasehelp me out by leaving me a
review on Apple and everywhere.
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survive, and on IG, of the samename out here, trying to
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And, biggest of all, my biggestrequest is that you sign up for
my email newsletter.
(48:08):
The link is in my show notes,the link is in all of my bios
and all.
My biggest request is that yousign up for my email newsletter.
The link is in my show notes,the link is in all of my bios
and all of my link trees and allof my social media outlets so
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That is where you'll getupdates, tips, tricks, hacks and
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You will get it there first.
Thank you so much for joiningme today.
You are a beautiful soul.
Remember that you are strongand resilient and creative and
(48:30):
more than capable of creating alife you deserve.
Until next time, keep shiningy'all Bye.
you are a worthless fucking piece of shit.
You're a dumbass.
You have nothing to offer thisworld.
So that's a little briefsnippet of the kind of thing I
used to write in my journal tomyself, except I would write
like a whole page, a whole page.
Have you ever done anythinglike that before?
Have you ever written out yourweaknesses?
(00:25):
Whole pages worth of what youperceive to be the absolute
worst parts of yourself?
Have you ever heard thisquestion?
If I were to ask you what youloved, how long would it take
before you listed yourself?
No, because, for real y'all.
Have y'all ever noticed thatyou are so much harder on
yourself than you are on otherpeople?
(00:48):
Today I want to talk about theconcept of self-compassion,
because it's something thatpeople have told me over the
years that I'm really good atand I just, you know, want to
give myself my flowers first ofall.
But I have to say that I am I'mpretty damn good at it.
I'll acknowledge that, I'lladmit it, but it's only because
(01:10):
for a long time I was really badat it.
I would venture to say I wasthe worst at it.
For a really long time Iactually literally hated myself.
So today I want to talk aboutself-compassion.
There's so much, so much powerin self-compassion y'all, I'm
not even kidding.
It is such a beautiful way toheal yourself, such a beautiful
way, and it's so overlooked,it's so not talked about enough,
it's not practiced enough, it'snot ground into us enough.
Frankly, for my opinion, it'snot for my liking it is not
(01:33):
ground into us enough.
Self compassion is absolutelynot a form of indulgence or
going over the top, or somepeople will act a fool about,
like you, proclaiming that youlove yourself or that you're
compassionate on yourself, orthat you have a certain sense of
kindness to yourself, andthey'll actually have a problem
(01:53):
with it, which is weird to me,and we'll talk more about that.
But today I just want to sayright out the gate we're going
to be talking about the benefitsof self-compassion, the
benefits of kindness to yourself, how to do it and some of the
ways that I have done it, and ithas literally transformed my
whole life, because it's reallynot about, like letting yourself
off the hook.
It's not about letting yourselfoff the hook.
It's about being honest withyourself and facing absolute
(02:17):
reality and meeting it with thesame kindness that you would
give to someone else that youlove.
I've just met so many peoplewho struggle with this, and
because I've struggled with itso much, that's part of the
reason why I want to talk aboutit today.
So in this episode, we're goingto dive deep into
self-compassion, and if you wantto learn how to be kinder to
yourself, this episode is foryou.
(02:38):
You could literally be anywhereelse in the world, but you are
here with me.
So thank you so much, y'all.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
This podcast is a hope-grantedstorytelling space.
It's a warm hug of solidarityfrom me to you and all of the
black women in the world outhere trying to survive something
.
Okay, this is your new favoritepodcast.
Please sign up on Apple Spotify.
(03:00):
You know iHeart wherever youlisten to podcasts.
If you're on YouTube, honey,please give me a subscribe, like
, follow and share.
Podcasts are notoriously hardto grow because they're hard to
share.
So if you wouldn't mind takingan extra step and sharing this
on your Facebook sharing this,you know, on your Instagram
stories, please, please do so,especially if you think that
there is a black woman out therewho needs to hear the kind of
(03:23):
information that I'm sharingabout how to heal and survive
all the things that we're tryingto deal with in this world.
I'd appreciate it so much.
Thank you.
I'm Grace Sandra, an author, anadvocate and an activist, and
welcome to episode 17.
First, let me tell y'all astory For me.
My negative self-talk starteddirectly in the home.
(03:45):
So I was raised.
First of all, please forgive mythroat.
It's been like a month or twoof me having throat, cough
clearing, snot, nasal issues,which is so terrible because
every time I try to film apodcast I feel like it flares up
for some reason.
So my issue with like talkingnegatively to myself started
(04:06):
directly from hearing otherpeople talk negatively to me.
So I had a brother who was.
We were racially differentbecause I am biracial.
My mom is white and her kidsbefore she had me were all white
, and then my dad is black andhis kids before he had me were
all black.
Anyway, I was raised in mymom's house with my mom's white
children that she had before me,and they were raised in Detroit
(04:28):
when it was white.
Okay, this was the 70s, yeah,oh, white flight happened and
then the neighborhood turnedover and it was all black by the
time I was coming up, butbefore, when it was all white,
my siblings were enjoying theirlittle white friends in the
neighborhood right and then whenit turned over, the black kids
weren't feeling them becausethey were the only white family
left right.
So they were getting made funof and picked on and bullied,
(04:51):
hustled, stolen from.
You know all the little thingsthat happen when you're a
minority in a neighborhood.
And my white brother was alsoblonde hair, blue eyed, short,
skinny, 100, nothing, five feet,nothing, and he was just easy
to pick on.
And on top of all that he waskind of an asshole and his
response to being bullied byblack people was to then bully
me, his black sibling.
(05:13):
So I was called a stupid littleby my brother and often, even
if he didn't even if he didn'tcombine stupid little n-word, he
combined it with he would callme stupid quite a bit.
That was kind of his go-to,like when he would be mad at me
or angry or we'd be fightingabout whatever.
(05:33):
I was left alone a lot with mybrother because my mom, you know
, worked full-time.
She was a Detroit policeofficer.
Long story short, I was withhim quite a lot because my
sisters were off, my older whitesisters were off doing their
lives.
There was 10 years between mybrother and I, so he was often
babysitting me.
So I got called stupid a lot andbecause of him correlating and
(05:55):
putting together like you'restupid and you're black at the
same time, I really believed fora time that all black people
were in fact stupid, includingme and most especially me, and I
didn't pull that apart, thoselayers apart, for many, many
years.
But it really became a verydeep rooted lie, a very, very
(06:20):
deep rooted lie in my soul, thatI was stupid because I was
black.
And then there was a coupletimes I hate to even say this
because this is about my mom andmy story with my mom.
I want to share it sometime,like all of the whole story.
But my mom, you know she was aparanoid schizophrenic.
(06:41):
She was diagnosed paranoidschizophrenic, was diagnosed
paranoid schizophrenic, but wedidn't know she had a lot of
issues.
My mom was also very loving.
It's a very complicated feelingsI have about my mom, but I
almost sometimes hate to sayanything negative about her
because I know that she reallytried her best, okay, and I'm
not speaking from atrauma-bonded perspective like I
know that she, as someone whowas very, extremely mentally ill
(07:03):
, I think she showed love in somany ways.
So when I share stories of mymom not sharing love, just know,
I'm a little triggered likeit's hard.
It's hard on me to share thisshit.
But my mom, sometimes shecalled me stupid as well and I
don't think, you know, I couldtry to make excuses for her.
I don't think she understoodthe kind of damage that that
(07:23):
causes.
You know, don't forget, this wasthe late 70s, this was the mid
80s.
You know, back then therewasn't as much conversation
about mental health and therewasn't as much conversation
either about parenting and therewasn't the widespread amount of
information that we have abouthow we should parent and how we
shouldn't hit our kids and howwe shouldn't call them stupid
and how we should breastfeedthem.
(07:44):
And you know, a lot aboutparenting was pushed to the
forefront with the World WideWeb.
Okay, but this was before that.
I just say all those caveatsbecause of the internal battle I
have about sharing my momcalling me stupid.
But she did a few times and itwasn't all the time either.
I want to make that clear.
But sometimes when you hearsomething like that from someone
(08:05):
who is your, you know primarycaregiver, it really sticks.
It really really sticks.
And my mom.
You know the way she did it.
What are you stupid?
That's how she would do it.
You know she wouldn't sayyou're stupid directly.
She would just be like what areyou stupid?
Why did you do that?
What are you stupid?
You know that kind of thing.
And I think the combination ofmy dad or not my dad, sorry, my
(08:25):
brother calling me the stupidlittle n word and my mom asking
me it really just very muchsolidified in my little baby
brain that I was in fact stupid.
And the thing is y'all is I'mactually not, but I'm not at all
, but I believed that I was.
That's the key is I believedthat I was.
(08:47):
For several years, I would sayit didn't really occur to me
that I wasn't stupid.
It didn't really like solidifyin my brain, I think, until I
was like 35.
And by that time I already had,you know, grown up, obviously,
(09:08):
graduated from high school,graduated with a bachelor's
degree with like a 3.6 GPA.
You know it wasn't the best,but it also wasn't the worst.
It did take me a long ass time,but that's another story.
I was working, I was enjoyingsome success career wise, I was
speaking all over the countrySometimes.
You know, I was a mom and I wasconfronted with it.
(09:32):
Actually, when I started amaster's program and yeah,
that's a whole nother story butI was confronted with the fact
that I still walked around as ifI were a person who was stupid
who's pretending to be smartaround as if I were a person who
was stupid who's pretending tobe smart, and what I realized
was that I was a smart personwho had negative self beliefs
and that was, you know, in someways kind of crushing and in
(09:56):
some ways a little bit crushing,but anyway.
But honestly, being stupid andbeing called stupid was just one
of the many, many things that Ibelieved negatively about
myself that I continue to affirmover and, over and over and
over again.
So I was always a big journaler.
I either ever since I was like11 or 12.
(10:17):
I don't even know how young.
Ever since I was little, I wasalways writing my thoughts in
journals After I got married.
I got married pretty young thefirst time, when I was like 22,
21 or 22.
I think something about beingmarried young and really being
out on my own.
Also, at that time, my mom waskind of really losing it.
Her schizophrenia was gettingso much worse.
And so I was really strugglingin a lot of different ways with
(10:40):
kind of being kind of alone inthe world without my mom at all
in any way.
But marriage was just.
Marriage was so hard on me whenwe first got married, like I
really I got married way tooyoung and I was not in the mood.
You know that's that's thenicest way I can say how
immature and kind of a jackass Iwas.
(11:02):
I was just not in the mood.
I didn't want to do nobody'slaundry, I didn't want to cook,
I didn't want to clean, I didn'twant to relate to him, I didn't
want to have long conversations, I didn't want to work on it, I
didn't want to be faithful, Ididn't want, I didn't want it.
It was almost like I thought Ineed to get get married, I gotta
(11:24):
get married.
This is what god and Jesus andchristians and everyone is
saying we should do, and Ireally did love him.
But I'm just saying, to sum itup in like the most Simplified
way possible, I think like ayear into it I was just like
this is this sucks?
Like I'm way too young for this.
I want to date other people, Iwant to sleep with other people.
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I want to be out in thesestreets, I don't want to be
taking care of a home.
I was just not in the mood,yeah, and so I wasn't a great
wife.
You know, just to be clear, Iwasn't unfaithful, I just was
always tempted, and I was alwayslike looking at other men, like
wishing, like, oh, I wish Ichose him, wish I chose him, I
(12:06):
wish I chose him.
It was so fucking ridiculousbecause I was so immature and
not ready for marriage.
But the reason why I'm sharingthat with y'all here's how it
correlates because y'all y'allwere like Grace, get to the
motherfucking story.
Okay, let me get to the story.
How it correlates is thatbecause I was having all of
these struggles and I was not inthe mood to be married and
didn't want to be married.
I was in a very sternevangelical Christian community
(12:30):
and so it was always like you'rebad, you want to be with other
men, you're bad.
You want to have more sexyou're bad.
You want to enjoy sex moreyou're bad.
You, your house is messy,you're bad.
You're not doing enoughfundraising you're bad.
You're not doing enough for thechurch you're bad.
There were so many things thatwere just like you're constantly
(12:51):
failing, and then also themessage of evangelical
Christianity.
You're evil, you're born evil.
You're a slime.
You're a worm.
Fall before God and his mercyand maybe he will have mercy on
you, but really you're a slimeball.
Just FYI, like, stay in shamebecause you are slime.
And I'm giving you like a realoversimplified view of the kind
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of messaging that I was gettingand why my journals ended up
saying like you're a piece ofshit.
Oh, you're tempted to be withanother guy.
You're a piece of shit.
You, you can't keep your houseclean.
You're a piece of shit.
You, you can't keep your houseclean.
You're a piece of shit.
You're lazy, you can't raiseenough money.
You're a piece of shit.
You're not good, you don't.
You didn't pray today.
You're a piece of shit.
You didn't have a 30 minutequiet time like you,
(13:34):
motherfucking piece of shit.
It was just like everything Idid at that time there was no I
had.
I had such little behavioralcontrol.
I think that's what I'm tryingto say.
There are times in life, I feellike, where you know, depending
on how you've been raised inyour childhood or whatever, like
where you get basic behavioralcontrol issues under control,
(13:57):
but it's still really not alwaysa reflection of your character,
but for me I don't really thinkit was.
I think I just was reallystruggling with basic control
issues, basic self control andself discipline issues and as a
result I really felt like I ammaybe the worst person ever and
(14:18):
I also did not know I had.
I for sure had complex PTSD.
I got married coming right outof pretty extreme trauma with my
mom.
Literally the last decadebefore I got married was pretty
extreme trauma, with my mom justgetting worse and worse and
worse and worse, and I was theonly person she was living with
and taking it out on.
(14:38):
And then the decade before thatwas an entire decade of being
abused by my dad.
There's no way I went intomarriage without having complex
PTSD.
I for sure had complex PTSD.
I for sure I look back now andknow I had ADHD.
I couldn't focus, couldn't keepmy light together.
I for sure had all sorts ofbehavioral issues.
(15:01):
I was struggling with prettysevere depression and anxiety
issues as a result of thecompounding trauma I had been
through.
I'm only sharing that to say,like my life really I really was
struggling, but it wasn'tbecause I'm such an inherently
bad person.
The only lens that anyone couldgive me was you're fucking up
(15:22):
your life and God is not pleased.
That anyone could give me wasyou're fucking up your life and
God is not pleased.
And it ended up leading intolike literally a decade more of
journaling about how bad I was,how terrible I was, how mean I
was, how angry I was.
Anything that came up duringthe day that I felt any bit of
shame about or anyone put on me,I felt extreme, extreme shame
(15:46):
about it.
And it was really sad becausethere were so many different
points over the course of all ofthose years that I felt like,
why am I here?
You know, if I'm such aterrible person, I would have
journal, literal, entire journalpages filled with me saying
negative, horrible things aboutmyself.
And it was like why am I here?
(16:08):
If I am this person, thisperson is so evil, then why the
hell am I here?
You know that's, you know theeffect it had on me, but also
you know I think it's safe tosay no-transcript will not ever
(17:10):
heal or feel any sort of reliefor get any sort of healing
whatsoever until he comes toterm and has offers himself some
self compassion.
I know that sounds so fuckingcrazy Like, why does this man
who murdered his three childrenget to have self compassion?
I mean, I guess that's yourworldview, because I do believe.
I do believe there is somelevel of redemption for all of
(17:33):
humanity.
I do believe there isredemption possible.
I don't think he should get outof prison, but I do think that
if I knew him and he were myfriend, I would encourage him to
go on a process of healing, andthat would include some self
compassion.
So if even a man who murderedhis three children can have, can
experience freedom and healingfrom like the tremendous amount
(17:55):
of guilt and shame that you feelwhen you do wrong things, I
believe that normal, everydaypeople who are struggling with
like normal, everyday basichuman things that all humans
struggle with, I believe that wetoo can live a life of freedom
and we don't have to live withlike constant guilt, shame,
terror, feelings ofworthlessness and wanting to die
(18:16):
.
And I was completely stuck.
So I think.
So what started my journey withrealizing that I had to offer
myself some self compassion wasone of my counselors I had been.
I've been in therapy on and off.
Okay, I've been in therapy.
Okay, your girl has been intherapy but one of my counselors
.
Her name was Dr Angie Hershey.
May she rest in peace.
She is gone now, but she wasthe first person.
(18:39):
She said something sosignificant to me that I'll
never, ever, ever, ever forget,like it was one of the most
significant therapeutic piecesof advice that I've ever got.
You know, something will juststick with you and she was just.
She always said to me.
I should say she said to meseveral times Grace, you're not
at home with yourself, you'renot at home with yourself.
And part of the reason why thatstuck with me is because I
(19:03):
never understood what the fuckshe meant until after she died,
literally till after she died.
I didn't get it.
There was just so many times Iwould be like, what do you mean?
And it was interesting becauseher strategy was that she would
never outline it for me.
Yeah, I'm telling you, she musthave said it to me in like 10
different sessions, because Isaw her over the course of three
(19:24):
years, but she would neverreally like give it all to me.
She would.
She would say things like Iwant to encourage you to find
ways to be at home with yourself.
How are you not at home withyourself?
You don't welcome yourself, youdon't love yourself.
So she would go into it alittle bit, but there wasn't any
real like okay, in order to beat home with yourself, you need
(19:44):
to do A, b, c, d, e, f and G andthen you will be at home with
yourself.
But she would always point outwhen I would share stories of
what was going on or what I wasstruggling with, she would point
out that I wasn't at home withmyself.
And I remember so many timesbeing like Angie I'm so
frustrated that you keep sayingthat what do you want me to do?
(20:05):
What the fuck do you want me todo?
To be at home with myself?
I don't fucking know.
Okay, like bitch, just give itto me.
I would be that frustrated withher, but part of it, part of it
is that how can you be at homewith someone you're constantly
yelling, screaming and sayinghorrible things to, or someone,
and now that I have been throughdomestic violence and lived
(20:28):
through a marriage where someonewas literally like yelling,
screaming, belittling, demeaning, dehumanizing, how could I ever
be at home with him?
I couldn't.
I couldn't ever be at home withhim in the way.
I don't mean like literallyphysically in the same home, but
like how could I ever be athome with him?
I couldn't.
I couldn't ever be at home withhim in the way I don't mean
like literally physically in thesame home, but like how could I
ever feel at home and feel safewith someone who's saying
things to me that are constantlybelittling me?
(20:50):
And I was telling her that Iwas doing that and I think she
was reflecting that to me Likeyou cannot and you are not at
home with yourself while you area menace to society, while
drinking your juice in the hoodin your journals.
You're a menace to yourself,you're not at home with yourself
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.
That was the first time that itreally occurred to me that I had
a really big issue, becausewhen she said that I immediately
, when I started thinking aboutwhat that meant and the
implications for that, Iimmediately thought well, I
can't change, I can't change,I'm not going to ever change
that I can't.
You know, stop pointing out thetruth Like.
The truth is I am a failure.
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The truth is I am dumb.
The truth is I am stupid.
The truth is I am a seductress.
I am.
You know all the things theysay about me.
I am angry and you know a lotof it was lies, a lot of it was
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lies, lies, lies.
You sit on a throne of lies Alot of the stuff that people
told me and why I have like alot of bitterness right now
towards like the ways that beinginvolved so deeply in
evangelical Christianity, how itformed and kept me imprisoned
in a lot of ways.
But anyway, she was thebeginning of that journey and
then I think what pushed me overthe edge was I started going to
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seminary for a Masters ofDivinity so that I could master
the divine instead of beingmastered by the divine, and I
had to take a class, a spiritualdirection class, and have a
spiritual director which isbasically kind of like a
spiritual coach essentially, andthat was really fucking deep.
(22:36):
That was super deep.
My spiritual, my class of myspiritual director was deep.
It wasn't really a class, itwas just me and him meeting and
talking about deep shit, andthen I had to write deep papers
and then I had to, like you know, take a bunch of like
personality tests and shit.
So I don't even know what theywere, but they were like ones
that took several hours, likehours and hours and hours, and
(22:57):
had like results.
That was like a 30 page PDF.
Okay.
So it was pretty fucking deep.
That spiritual direction classwas a little bit life changing
because he directly called outto me like you are believing a
series of lies about yourself.
And he was like I don't seesomeone who's dumb at all.
(23:17):
Like what are you even talkingabout?
I think him identifying thatand just saying it real, like
confused, like what girl?
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
I think it was just helpful forme Because I was just like yeah
, I'm talking about me, I'm dumband I struggle to not be, and
(23:40):
he's like no girl, what.
That was so, so helpful.
And then I think I don't knowthat started this journey of me,
like well, if that's not true,you know, if I'm in fact, if I'm
in fact not dumb, then whatelse isn't true, you know?
And that was really interesting.
(24:01):
And then I got a differentspiritual director as a part of
my job.
We were assigned a spiritualdirector because I was working
in ministry and her name isAlice T and I love Alice T.
We're still friends and Alice Treally called out in me this
horrible habit of talkingnegatively to myself, writing
(24:23):
out the journal pages, speakingterribly to myself, and she
challenged me to try to write tomyself in a way that I would
hear God, god as a loving God.
God is the way that at thattime, and still to this point
today, that Alice T and Ibelieved that God is love, that
God's voice is love, that theway that God sees humanity is
(24:47):
with kindness and mercy andcompassion, and that God desires
justice and love and provisionand abundance and mercy and
compassion for all humans.
And she challenged me to viewmyself in a way that God sees me
as love, lovable, worthy andgood overall.
(25:12):
And I started to shift slowly,slowly, slowly shift.
And that was a long processbecause I could say something to
myself that was like nice, youknow, on a Tuesday and then like
three months will go by and Iwould be saying mean stuff to
myself the whole time abouteverything horrible that was
(25:32):
happening, and then anotherTuesday would come by and I
would say something nice.
So it was like a really very,very slow process.
Okay, but I was, I, the seedshad been planted.
But what I want you all to knowis that from the time that I
really first, you know, when Ifirst saw Dr Hershey, angie,
when I first saw Angie, I wasmaybe like 29 or so and by the
(25:56):
time I had went to seminary andhad the spiritual direction
class and then had my spiritualdirector, with who I was working
with, and began this slowprocess of like unearthing all
of these horrible things that Ibelieved about myself.
There was probably like eightto 10 years maybe that elapsed
that I was just kind of.
It was always in the back of mymind like hey, be nicer to
(26:16):
yourself, be kinder to yourself,start to replace those thoughts
.
It was just so few and farbetween.
But there was something thatfinally shifted for me and
that's what I want to tell y'all.
What really shifted for me was,honestly, I, when I got married
for a second time and I marriedsomeone who is a very, very
(26:37):
severe verbal abuser.
Verbal abuse is not just namecalling, it's not just yelling.
Those are, in fact, two formsof verbal abuse out of 15
different ways that one can beverbal abused, and he was
practicing all 15.
It's basically when you attempt, when you use 15 different
(26:57):
strategies, to take power andcontrol over another person
through communication, primarilyverbal.
And when I realized that that'swhat I was experiencing, I
realized that I was experiencinga level of dehumanization that
I had never experienced before,particularly because I grew up
with, like I said, a brother whopracticed name calling and
(27:21):
verbal insults, and so I knewwhat that felt like.
But my brother didn't do all ofthe other ones, but my second
ex-husband, he did all of themand there was a point at which I
realized, if my ex-husband myhusband at the time is verbally
assaulting me in every way, 20to 30 times a day and it was
(27:45):
killing me, it was rotting mefrom the inside out, I realized,
if he's doing that and I'mdoing it, I will die.
I will absolutely die.
There is no way I could survivetwo people verbally assaulting
me.
It's, you know, just one.
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Just what he was doing was soshocking and off-putting and the
level of cognitive dissonancewas so high because I'd never
experienced all 15 ways that youcan verbally abuse someone.
I'd never experienced anythingother than name calling and
yelling.
Those are the only two ways I'dever been verbally abused, but
(28:29):
to experience all of them, thecognitive dissonance was so
severe anyway.
But I was also being mean tomyself, per my use, per my use
like, per my whole other life,like what I had always been
doing because of growing up withverbal insults, you know, and
growing up with with, with, withname calling and yelling, and I
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realized the two of us, we willkill me, it will kill me and
and, and I felt like he waskilling me slowly, anyway, that
that that is what changed thingsfor me Huge, hugely changed
things for me.
It was like you have to change.
(29:13):
You have to change.
There is no way you willsurvive this life if you do not
stop verbally assaultingyourself.
It wasn't even about like somespiritual journey, like oh, I
just got to be more selfcompassionate, I just got to
love myself more, I just got toaffirm myself more, I just got
(29:35):
to talk to myself kindly,because that's what I need to do
.
It was like bitch, you will notfucking survive If you don't
get your shit together.
Even that is like a prettyrough.
But there was a part of me thatwas just like it's now or never
and you have three kids.
You have three kids whose lifewill never be the same if you
(29:58):
leave it, because you have notsurvived all of the abuse that
you have endured.
So I want to give you some tipsfor how, what is
self-compassion in general, andhow to practice it and how and
why I got through it to thepoint where I'm actually so good
at it.
Now I'm actually so good at itand I can just tell y'all, like
(30:20):
with a true, genuine smile on myface, like, wow, I actually
surmounted something so big,that was such a big thing in my
life and I'm so proud of myself.
First of all, self compassion,just in a nutshell, is treating
yourself how you would treatanother friend If another friend
came to you and they werecrying and lamenting because,
let's just say, they cheated ontheir husband or something like
(30:40):
that.
Actually, no, that's not a goodexample.
Let's just say they, you know,got into a car accident.
It was accidental, they didn'tmean to, and they totaled their
husband's car and they feltreally bad.
Like are you going to sit thereand scream at them and be like
you, fucking idiot?
I can't believe.
You fucking totaled your car,you stupid ass bitch.
Like, no, you're not going todo that.
You're going to literally havea sense of like, you know, oh my
(31:03):
god, it was an accident, youdidn't mean to Like you, you
were doing the best you could atthe time with which you knew,
and you still got into anaccident.
So that's the first like, thinkof self-compassion, like that
number one.
Number two, like I said before,suffering and mistakes are just
part of the human existence.
Like I I shouldn't have to saythat, but like I just feel like
(31:23):
I need to because, yes, this allexists on a spectrum.
Like you know, I talked aboutthe guy earlier who, like,
murdered his three kids.
The hypothetical guy, which weknow has happened before, but
like the hypothetical,non-hypothetical murder
murderous man and us over here,everywhere in between, who've
made mistakes along the line of,you know, values and morals
that are some are really goodand some are really bad.
(31:46):
But, no matter what, we're stillall human, make mistakes and it
is inevitable that we will failand it is inevitable that
imperfection is part of thehuman experience.
And so we have to have somelevel of just baseline
compassion for our humanity.
We are humans, you are just buthuman.
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You are but dust.
That is one part of thescripture I think is really
poignant and helpful that whenit says you are but dust.
You are dust, from dust youcame and from dust that will
return to dust in the fieldwhich the deer will eat.
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You know, it's the circle oflife.
It's the circle of life.
So in that way, you're notalone.
None of us are alone.
We're all going to makemistakes, we're all going to do
stupid shit, we're all going toneed forgiveness, we're all
imperfect.
Another component of selfcompassion is literally just the
mindfulness that these momentswill pass.
We can observe the fact that wefeel stupid, we can observe the
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fact that we feel evil, but wedon't need we don't actually
literally need to worry about it, or literally like focus on it,
like there is no benefitscientifically, psychologically
or otherwise, by like focusingon I feel like I'm evil.
I feel like I'm, you know, abad person because of this, this
(33:17):
or that you know.
And some of y'all might be likebut you, but if you did this,
if you did that, then you are abad person.
That's neither here nor there.
The question is does it help usto focus on whether or not,
when we made a mistake, we didwhat we did?
Does it help us to focus on thefact that we feel like we're an
evil person or a bad person?
There is no psychological orscientific evidence that says
(33:41):
yes, that's helpful.
Marinate on it, think about it,dwell on it, write a whole
journal page about how you're anevil person.
I think there's like this myththat if we have compassion for
ourselves, that it's somehowweakness or that it's somehow
complacency or that it's evensomehow selfish.
Like where the hell does thisshit come from?
No, no, no, just no.
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On the contrary, there's awhole lot of benefits of
self-compassion and I can tellyou, as someone who has
benefited from them in thesepast, I would say for me now
it's been probably like sevenyears that I've been practicing
self-compassion, but these lastlike two or three, y'all I have
been, I have been on it, I havebeen on the self-compassion game
(34:26):
and y'all.
It's really changed the gamefor me in so many ways.
So let me just give y'all someof the benefits real quick.
One is that self-compassionactually regulates these
negative emotions that can getreally out of control For
someone.
If you're someone like me andyou experience like really deep
emotions, if you feel youremotions like really really
deeply, then you probably have ahard time regulating when
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you're feeling like high anxiety, high depression, like high
anger, high shame, high guilt.
Whenever you're experiencingthat like in severity, self
compassion regulates it, ittakes it down and I don't know
if you've ever struggled withlike extreme anger, extreme
guilt or extreme shame, butanything that can like pull that
down to normal, to equilibrium,is a really good fucking
(35:10):
feeling, okay.
The next benefit of selfcompassion is resilience.
When you have self compassionon yourself, you're able to
bounce back better.
There's a lot of scientific andpsychological evidence about
this that I've read about andheard about and I can't think of
any one place right now, but Iknow it's true and you can
Google it if you want to is thathaving self compassion builds
(35:32):
resilience, because you're likeoh, I fell, oh, it's okay,
Everybody falls, you'll be allright, get back up again, girl.
And so you get up again becauseyou have the resilience,
because you had self compassionon yourself, whereas if you fall
and you're down and you're likebitch, you're stupid, worthless
loser.
Look at you, you fell, youasshole.
How easy can you get back upfrom that when someone's like
yelling in your ear about whatan idiot you are, about falling
(35:55):
down Like it does not buildresilience?
The third thing is is thatpeople don't really understand
is that when you haveself-compassion, it actually
leads towards motivation,towards better behavior?
People think that selfcompassion is not a catalyst for
positive change.
But it is.
It does catalyze you to changein positive ways.
Because when you're less afraidof failure, part of the fear of
(36:17):
failure is people kicking youone of your down and saying like
you failed, you failed, youdumb idiot.
But if you're not afraid offailure because you're like, oh,
my failure is going to be metwith self compassion, then
you're like, oh, my failure isgoing to be met with
self-compassion.
Then you're like, let's tryagain, let's go again, let's get
back in the ring because maybeI won't fail.
Another benefit ofself-compassion is that when you
(36:37):
are compassionate on yourmistakes and the feelings and
whatever it is you're feelingheavy about or need to heal, the
self-compassion silences theinner critic.
It silences the inner criticand we know the inner critic is
a loud ass bitch.
I mean, the inner critic isjust so loud and if you can
(36:59):
silence that, it's going todramatically increase your
self-worth and that's such abeautiful feeling.
It's really worked for me and Ilove it here.
Another huge part of selfcompassion that is drastically
underrated is that really helpsyour relationships get better
female relationships, your, yourgirlfriends, your peers, your
co workers, your romanticrelationships, your parenting to
(37:22):
child, child to parentrelationships, cousin to cousin.
There is no relationship thatdoes not benefit from you having
self-compassion on yourself,because when you have
self-compassion on yourself, itfosters healthier boundaries.
In all of these relationshipsyou're literally able to speak
up for yourself more.
It reduces the need forexternal validation for someone
(37:43):
to say like you're fine, you'refine, you're fine Because you're
coming from the place whereyou're like I'm fine, I'm good,
I'm okay, I fell, but I'm goingto get back up.
I don't need to drain you ofyour very lifeblood and life
cells trying to get validation,because I can get it for myself.
I would like to lead you througha little exercise to practice
(38:03):
self-compassion for yourself,and that is to sit down with
your journal and I want you toacknowledge the suffering that
you've caused yourself by beingmean to yourself, the things
you've said to yourself that arehorrible.
It could be the ways you'vetreated yourself that are
horrible, that you know of.
You know, for example, ifyou've, you know, drank yourself
into a stupor or something likethat, like anything like that
(38:27):
where you know I have notpracticed self-compassion with
myself.
I want you to sit down andwrite it out.
I want you to acknowledge it.
I want you to write somethingabout your shared common
humanity with the rest ofliteral entire globe, who also
are humans, who've made mistakesand done things they're not
proud of.
And then I want you to offeryourself some words of
(38:49):
compassion and kindness.
I want you just to write awhole paragraph of nice things
to yourself and let me telly'all that's not easy to do.
It's not easy to do the firstfew times, for sure.
The first I don't know how manytimes I did things like this I
cried, you know, really reallyheavily, deeply cried Probably
(39:11):
one because it was so need andnecessary.
It was like, you know, pouringwater into a desert, dry, well,
but also because, if you'venever heard those words from
anyone else, it can be jarring.
So that's a littleself-compassion exercise that I
would like you to do, if youwouldn't mind.
(39:32):
When you do that, it's amindfulness hack as well,
because you're drawing like,you're bringing mindfulness and
you're observing the emotions.
You know that you used to feel,or that you still do feel,
without judgment.
And when you remove thatjudgment like, it really is a
beautiful, beautiful way to loveyourself.
(39:53):
When you can get to the pointwhere you can love yourself
without judgment, I'm tellingyou, your whole life will change
.
And that's literally where I amnow.
Another thing that you can trythat I have done several times
is write yourself a letter fromthe perspective of a different
friend, and usually for me, Iwrite it from the perspective of
God, just because I've alwaysbeen someone who's in touch with
(40:15):
and close to my spirituality.
So, and even now, even thoughmy life looks very different as
a decolonized Christian who hasdivested from evangelical
Christianity, I still considermyself to be a follower of Jesus
and I still believe in God andthat God is love and that God
loves all of us and wants thebest for all of us.
So I tend to write myselfletters from God, and it's just
(40:38):
the most loving, because Iimagine God is the most loving
entity that's ever existed andever will exist.
So when I'm writing myself aletter from God, it's just all
love.
There's nothing.
There's nothing that's not like, just full on, like I love you.
You are the best thing sincesliced bread.
You're amazing, you'rebeautiful, you're kind, you're
(40:59):
generous.
It's just the most generouswords that I could say to myself
.
I say when I'm writing myself aletter from God, but sometimes
I write myself a letter fromolder me or younger me.
I've done a lot of those kindsof exercises as well, and those
are beautiful, beautiful formsof self-compassion Beautiful, I
(41:19):
will say.
For me, to kind of wrap up myown journey with this, is that,
you know, the big catalyst, likeI said, was when I was married.
But then what had happened wasI started getting deep into
manifestation, teachings andreading and learning about the
power of literal physical vibes,vibrations, and reading a lot
(41:40):
from Dr Joe Dispenza and thingslike that, and I'll link some
books in the show notes ifyou're interested in learning a
little bit more, because that'sbeen really life changing for me
.
But what I realized is that,you know, we as vibrational
beings emit vibrations thatmatter, that affect our reality
and affect people around us.
And once I really realized likethose, not just it, for me it
(42:04):
went from like ceasing allnegative talk and trying to
practice self-compassion whenpossible to like overflowing
myself with positive thoughtsand real, loving, generous
thoughts about myself.
So now you know, I went fromsaying the most horrible, evil
stuff to myself all the time tosaying the most beautiful,
amazing things to myself andabout myself all the time.
(42:27):
There was a long time I was inthat middle.
There's a long time I was inthis section for like 10 years
where I was kind of stuck.
And then when I went through myabusive marriage and had to
change, I was in that middlesection where I just kind of
ceased saying negative thingsabout myself and I was trying to
build myself up.
But it was hard because everytime I would go down a step, he
would, you know, go up a step,he would push me.
(42:54):
Know, go up a step, he wouldpush me down, go up a step, push
me down.
And after I got out of thatmarriage and started really
looking into and learning aboutvibrations and positive
vibrations and the power of ourvibrational output, is when I
started on this journey where Ilike go overboard, now almost to
the point where the things Isay to myself are so loving and
so kind that I don't even havespace or room to say anything
negative about myself anymore.
(43:14):
I just don't have space for itbecause now I tell myself I love
myself all the time and I'mtrying to live in that and it's
a much different existence thanthe existence of shame that I
lived for the first you knowwhat, 30, almost 35 years of my
(43:35):
life.
It's kind of crazy to look backon to think that I lived like
that and that that was somehowsustainable.
It's just weird and what I cantell you is that these last two
or three years, especially that,I've went like hard.
Like the last three years Ihave went hard, hard on learning
about manifestation andpositive vibrations, meditation,
(43:59):
positive affirmation, selfcompassion, self love, self
healing.
I've went so fucking hard on itand what that has done has been
so transformative in my healingjourney as I've continued to go
through really hard stuff.
You know it's not like theselast three years.
I haven't been going throughreally hard things, really very
(44:19):
difficult mental health issuesthat I've talked about before.
Like due to perimenopause.
I've had pretty severe suicidalideations in these last three
years as well.
I've, as a result of like Ireally do, going on three years
(44:49):
and have had severe depressionand anxiety episodes and no
ability to focus, and it's beenhard.
So when I say like, I've beenstill going hard, intense, with
building myself up, tellingmyself I love myself, like I've
seen myself heal from somepretty significant shit, you
(45:13):
know I just I just want to besure that you don't think I'm
exaggerating.
It's not like it's been allroses and good feelings over
here, okay, it's not like it'sbeen like.
Oh my god, my life has justbeen blowing up and glowing up
for three years and in that timeit's you know it's it's been
amazing and I've been tellingmyself I love myself, I feel
like no, on the contrary, it'sbeen really challenging and what
(45:35):
I've seen is that me changingthe way that I talk about myself
and talk to myself and haveself compassion, has led to some
pretty intense, significanthealing, and I can see that now,
like even the fact that I cando this now, what I'm doing now,
like the way that I'm leading,sharing, teaching, leading in my
podcast and just in life ingeneral, I can see that that is
(45:57):
a result of the self compassionthat I've practiced.
That never would have happenedif I hadn't hadn't have done it.
So I really, truly believe inthis.
I just, you know, want to make aquick disclaimer, like I'm not
a therapist, y'all.
I'm not a therapist.
I've never been a therapist.
I'm not trained as a mentalhealth professional Although
actually that's not entirelytrue I do.
(46:18):
I do have certification as amental health first aider.
That was actually certified,but that was some years ago, and
I just want to encourage you toseek professional help Like I'm
not.
I'm not offering professionalhelp.
I'm offering advice as a womanwho's been through a lot and who
has survived a lot and who hasat times been my own worst enemy
(46:40):
, and I have to takeaccountability for all of the
ways that I have harmed my life,and what I'm trying to share
with y'all is ways that I havelearned not to harm myself and
to do better for myself and tolove myself.
As someone who, you know, has avery severe trauma background,
this stuff is not easy for me,so I never, ever, teach or get
(47:03):
on this microphone as your elderor authority.
Maybe, just maybe I am olderthan you, so maybe an elder in
that way, but like, not as anauthority and certainly not as a
therapist.
Just FYI, as a quick aside, thisepisode is brought to you by
Grace Actually.
Memoirs of Love, faith, lossand Black Womanhood.
You can find my book on Amazonin digital or hard copy.
(47:25):
Please pick up a copy.
I like to think it's actuallypretty damn good.
If you're not yet, please,please, subscribe on YouTube,
apple and everywhere.
As I said earlier, if you lovethis episode, do me a favor, go
to Apple podcast and leave me areview.
I'm really trying hard to growthis podcast and to make it into
my full time income because Ido not and cannot work outside
(47:46):
of the home due to mental healthissues.
It's just too fucking hard.
This is my career, so pleasehelp me out by leaving me a
review on Apple and everywhere.
You can Follow me on TikTok ofthe same name out here trying to
survive, and on IG, of the samename out here, trying to
survive.
And, biggest of all, my biggestrequest is that you sign up for
my email newsletter.
(48:08):
The link is in my show notes,the link is in all of my bios
and all.
My biggest request is that yousign up for my email newsletter.
The link is in my show notes,the link is in all of my bios
and all of my link trees and allof my social media outlets so
you can find it.
That is where you'll getupdates, tips, tricks, hacks and
the new episode.
You will get it there first.
Thank you so much for joiningme today.
You are a beautiful soul.
Remember that you are strongand resilient and creative and
(48:30):
more than capable of creating alife you deserve.
Until next time, keep shiningy'all Bye.
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