March 11, 2025 • 38 mins
Have you ever felt like life knocked you flat, leaving you to start over when everyone else seems firmly established? You're not alone in that journey of rebuilding.
At 48, I found myself making just $10,000 a year after once having a stable career, retirement savings, and a home. The crushing weight of feeling "behind" where society says I should be had me questioning my worth on the darkest days. Between divorce, mental health struggles, and periods of financial insecurity that had me skipping meals so my kids could eat, I've faced the brutal reality of starting over in midlife.
What I've discovered through this process is that the metrics we use to measure our lives are fundamentally flawed. Society tells us that by certain ages, we should have specific achievements checked off: career stability, property ownership, financial security. But these markers ignore the complex realities of trauma, systemic barriers, health challenges, and the unpredictable nature of life itself.
The most transformative shift happened when I stopped seeing myself as a "loser" and recognized myself as a survivor. This isn't just a semantic difference – it fundamentally changes how we value ourselves and our journeys. Survivors acknowledge their resilience, honor their capacity to endure, and recognize that continuing forward takes immense courage. Your achievements, whatever they may be, are testament to your determination to keep going.
Whether you're rebuilding after divorce, career setbacks, health challenges, or other life upheavals, remember that your timeline is your own. The unaccomplished life isn't a permanent condition – it's simply a chapter in an ongoing story of reinvention. Your worth exists independently of your bank account, job title, or relationship status, and recognizing this truth is the first step toward creating a future aligned with who you truly are.
Sign up for my newsletter "Not Just Surviving But Thriving" on my website where we'll explore how to move beyond mere survival into a life of possibility and purpose. Because no matter where you are in your journey, it's never too late to become the best version of yourself that's ever existed.
📚MY BOOK📚
Grace, Actually: Faith, Love, Loss & Black Womanhood
💌SIGN UP FOR MY NEWSLETTER! 💌
https://www.outheretrynasurvive.com/newslettersignup
📧 BUSINESS INQUIRIES📧
⚡️CONNECT WITH ME ON SOCIAL⚡️
📲INSTAGRAM -https://www.instagram.com/grace_sandra_
📲TIK-TOK - https://www.tiktok.com/@OutHereTrynaSurvive
📲FACEBOOK -https://www.facebook.com/gracesandrawrites
📲TWITTER - https://mobile.twitter.com/Grace_Sandra_
🎶MUSIC🎶
All music & permissions provided by: Epidemic Sound.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Imagine if you will, being 48 and reinventing
yourself completely and startingover and being the best version
of yourself ever.
So maybe you're not 48.
Specifically, I am 48 and I amstarting over and becoming the
best version of myself that'sliterally ever existed.
Not even kidding, and I'm gonnabe real hella honest with y'all
(00:20):
in this episode.
But are you 40 plus, startingover, starting over a new career
?
Maybe you've been divorced orwhatever the circumstances, and
you find yourself kind of flaton your ass and needing a new
start and low-key, feeling likea loser, because we're not gonna
sit here and act like.
That's not what people feellike when they go through real
hard shit.
But hey, y'all, if you're newhere, I'm Grace.
(00:42):
I am the host of Out hereTrying to Survive.
I'm a mom, a writer, apodcaster, an advocate, an
activist, and I'm just reallyout here really honestly and
truly trying to survive.
This podcast is a hope-orientedstorytelling space and a warm
hug of solidarity from me to you.
It is a celebration of ourresilience thus far and our
determination to not only justsurvive but also to thrive.
(01:04):
Welcome.
According to the Googles, theaverage American woman makes
around $51,600 a year.
This usually falls between$40,000 and $60,000.
And that, of course, depends onfactors like location, industry
, education level, etc.
And it's also helpful to notethere is a significant gender
(01:26):
gap.
So men doing the same job makeon average $1 more per hour.
Also, according to the Googles,black American women make on
average about $41,900 per year,with the stats showing that
Black women make on average alittle bit less than women in
the 40 to 49 age group, which isslightly lower than the overall
average for everyone.
(01:47):
If that made sense and it ishelpful to remember that us
Black women are fighting bothgender and race and that we make
less than white men ineverything in the same jobs,
even when considering educationlevel, which is really sad.
As I mentioned before, I'm 48years old.
Three years ago I left myfull-time job where I was making
about I think I ended at either44 or 45.
(02:09):
So I was like right in thatexact range, making slightly
above average than the averageBlack American woman of the same
age.
But since then, since then, Ihave made a whopping and prepare
yourself for this a whoppingabout $10,000 a year.
I've been doing gig work andI've been living off of student
loans while I go to school formy master's degree which I am
(02:32):
graduating this year.
Can I get a hallelujah?
I'm going to go more into mystory in a minute about how I
get there and all of that, but Iwill say this I don't own a
home.
I used to have a home when I wasmarried.
I don't own a home.
I used to have a home when Iwas married.
I don't have one anymore.
I used to have a retirementaccount that would probably be
at least 300, 400k right now,but I don't anymore.
(02:53):
I don't have a massive savings.
I don't own my car, although Iwill in $10,000.
I lived in a very somewhatbougie, somewhat suburban, very
overpriced three bedroomapartment and, like I said, I
don't own any property.
And by all means, and when I'velooked at the way the society
describes someone like me, theywould call someone like me
(03:14):
especially if I were a man a bumyeah, a bum Bigger than that.
For me, what has been so hardis not having a career, and
bigger than that is not beingcapable of a career.
Let me rephrase that Havingissues that prevented me from
feeling like I could live fullyin my capabilities, even though
(03:34):
I'm a very hella capable womanwho's very smart and educated
and a hard worker.
There have been so many timesin these last three years since
I left my full-time job that Ihave just felt like a loser,
loser, okay, loser, loser.
And then there have been timesin my journey where I have
(03:57):
really worked very hard at mymindset and really had so much
grace and self-compassion.
If you didn't catch my lastepisode, I talked about
self-compassion.
I think it's one of the mostprobably important and
clarifying podcasts I've had sofar, and I go deep into the
journey of realizing how muchI've been through and how much
(04:17):
I've survived, and instead ofseeing myself as a loser, I've
seen myself as a survivor.
If you can relate to my journeyin any way whatsoever, just a
little FYI you're not a loser.
We are not losers.
We are survivors.
We have faced you have facedincredible adversity and if
you're still standing, I wantyou to give yourself like a
round of applause.
(04:37):
Okay, because life is fucked upout here Sometimes.
I'm like Grace you are stillalive.
You are still alive, girl.
What is you talking about?
You're a loser or a bum orwhatever.
Like you have survived thingsthat lesser people wouldn't have
.
They just wouldn't have.
There has been a certain levelof hell that I've went through
(04:58):
really honestly in these wholepast decade that I really
wouldn't wish on anyone.
And so when I look at myselfand I just start to get down on
myself about the things thatsociety lists as something that
makes you good enough you know,having a house, owning a nice
car, being able to take annualvacations just things I haven't
(05:18):
done or haven't been able to dohaving a retirement, things like
that I've had to remind myselfbitch, you are still alive, you
still here, so you can.
There's redemption is possible.
You are still here.
And also those markers are justindicators of what our society
tells us.
In a different society, lots ofother societies where they don't
(05:39):
have the same markers as us,they're just out fishing and
enjoying their best lives andthey worry about the stuff that
America is worried about.
But, most importantly, in otherplaces in the world there is a
distinct value on human life andjust that.
You are valuable just for beinga human, and your value is not
explained by your retirementaccount, by your career, by your
(06:02):
home, etc.
But yeah, I had to have like adeep night of the soul, like a
dark, a dark night of the soulabout this whole, things I don't
have and where I'm at for myage and watching so many people
younger than me have so muchmore, and I've just really had
to come to such a solid place ofmy internal and inherent worth.
And it's been a beautifuljourney, but it's really
(06:25):
difficult.
So in this episode we are divingdeep into the unaccomplished
life.
So if life just ain't going theway you hoped it would, sis, I
can tell you I relate and we'regoing to talk about it.
But first let me tell y'all astory.
So the story of how I got here,lost a house, lost my
(06:45):
retirement, don't have any longterm savings at the moment and
trying to recover and rebuild mylife is maybe not a lot, unlike
some of yours.
So I'm just going to tell you alittle bit of the story and
then we're going to kind of getinto a little bit more.
But basically the gist is I'mgonna give you all the overview.
The overview is got divorced andin the divorce I did not want
(07:07):
my ex to have to move my boys,because we had little boys at
the time, or they were likethree and seven or so.
I was like I don't want you tohave to buy me out or pay me the
equity or whatever, because Idon't want y'all to have to move
and that just felt like toomuch for the little boys, for
our sons, to go through thedivorce and having to move from
the only house I'd ever known.
I found out later and my lawyerwas so dumb and incompetent.
(07:29):
But I could have, he could havejust refinanced and y'all I
could have.
My life could be very differentright now.
But you know what, whateverAnyway.
So that was the first thing thatset me back in a big way is
going from owning a home to notowning a home, owning a home
that I paid into for severalyears.
I mean, I paid into that home,we bought it together for 12, 12
(07:54):
or 13 years and never gotanything out of it.
It's kind of like I was rentingbut I wasn't renting.
I was a homeowner and then gotnothing out of it when it.
You know, in the end I was ahomeowner and then got nothing
out of it when it.
You know, in the end Then I washaving a mental health
breakdown.
That's partly, you know, whattriggered me being like I'm
making a clean break.
(08:14):
I kind of knew that I was notin a great place to work.
I had got fired also during thedivorce.
Anyway, long story short, shortstory long.
I ended up taking out myretirement so that I could
survive and pay for my wholenext year of rent, because I
kind of knew like I'm juststruggling.
Got back on my feet, did get agood job that had a good salary,
and then got remarried, gotpregnant, and then that job like
(08:37):
literally abruptly, within twoweeks, was like hey, we're going
out of business.
Your last check will be here onDecember 28th yes, december 28,
a few days after Christmas,while I was pregnant.
That was devastating and havejust continued to struggle since
then.
That second marriage, I ended upgoing through domestic violence
which traumatized the actualliving fuck out of me.
(08:57):
Okay, traumatized me more thanother things have traumatized me
.
More than having childhoodtrauma has traumatized me all.
The marriage traumatized me andI left that marriage having
been diagnosed with complex PTSD, which I believe I had
beforehand.
But what he did to me made it amillion times worse.
I actually have that story up onmy YouTube channel if you're
(09:17):
interested in learning the insand outs of narcissistic oh girl
, I'm not even gonna say whatjust happened.
Yes, I will.
I think my cat just literallypeed under my desk where I'm
filming while I'm filming, likehow rude is that?
Like how rude?
Can you please get out of herewith your?
(09:38):
Anyway, if you're interested inlearning the ins and outs of
narcissistic and and or verbalabuse, that is what I endured
and that's what traumatized meso acutely.
Anyway, oh, the worst part isnow I can smell it.
Okay, pause, I got to fix thisbecause I can't.
I can't go on while I'msmelling this like pause, okay,
(10:02):
I'm back.
I'm not sure where I left off,but once we got divorced I
started really going hard onhealing.
I also have a series up on mychannel too, about EMDR therapy
really saving my life.
At that time I just I knew thatI wasn't going to survive if I
didn't really focus on myhealing.
I'm sorry I'm also eating acough drop because I have had
issues with coughing in mythroat for like a month and a
(10:24):
half, maybe even two months bynow.
So I'm so sorry.
When I got divorced, I wasworking full time at a local
library as a circulationsupervisor, working with great
people for great people, and itwas such a challenge for me.
It was such a struggle Becauseof my mental health issues.
I had severe depression, severeanxiety.
My complex PTSD was so bad atthat time, it was so, so, so bad
(10:47):
and triggered by so many thingsand I just knew I can't keep
doing this.
So when I left the library, itwas, I think, a year and a half
or so out from my divorce.
I was still healing, but I waskind of breaking down.
I had recently gotten assaulted, which was terrible and
traumatized me.
My mom was dying and then sheended up dying.
I was just not in a great place, y'all.
(11:09):
And so for the last three yearsthat was three years ago I have
been doing gig work, like I said, and trying to find my way,
when I've known at every step Ihave to start over, I have to
start over, I have to start over, or the things I was starting
weren't working.
So I started YouTube in 2018 or2019.
And I wasn't consistent.
(11:31):
I think if I'd been consistentit would have worked, but I was
never consistent.
I had done a couple ofdifferent MLMs Like while we
were married I had done it Works.
And then I did Melaleuca and Itried really hard.
I fought for my life.
I was out there fighting for mylife and still never made like
more than $1,000 a month andrealizing like that's not going
to work.
And then I wrote a book and youknow I didn't expect to make
(11:53):
like a lot of money with thebook which, by the way, I'll
tell y'all about my book it'sstill up on Amazon but I at one
point thought I was going tohave a whole career writing.
So it just it felt like a gutpunch to be back back to
self-publishing when I'm part offour published books and I
actually had at some point I hadan agent and things interested
in me and I let all of that gowhen I was having like a mental
(12:16):
crash and ended up gettingdivorced.
And then I started a gradprogram that I ended up not
liking at all.
This was in like 2012.
So I didn't finish it.
That's another long story.
2012.
So I didn't finish it that'sanother long story.
So I think you know when youtake in the combination like you
probably all have your own, butthat was mine it was like, oh
my God, you started thismaster's degree and never
finished it.
You know you had this great,thriving career before, before I
(12:38):
got divorced, and I walked awayfrom it, in part because we
were working together and I justcouldn't take it no more.
I felt like I was going crazy.
And you know you had impact andnow you don't have impact.
You know you had a house nowyou don't have a house.
You had a retirement now youdon't have a retirement.
You know you had the respect ofat least having a career and
now you ain't got no career.
Girl, now you driving fordelivered and shit Like girl.
(13:00):
What is you doing as someonewho you know had a had a I did
have a once thriving, up andcoming career.
It's very you know how somepeople say, like don't be too
happy about the happy times anddon't be too sad about sad times
, because it's always gonna comeback around.
And I kind of feel like in bigswaths of decades that's how
I've tried to look at it Likeokay, I had these, this really
happy time where I could tell Iwas making a huge impact, I was
making pretty good money and Iwas really feeling very
(13:22):
satisfied.
That's the point.
I was feeling satisfied in mycareer and then it like
completely tanked.
Okay, we're now, we're down atthe bottom, completely tanked,
and I feel like I'm back on myway up, but I'm just trying to
do it my way and work for myselfwith my podcast and take
control of my writing career andget that back.
So I feel like, if we look atit in decades, hopefully that
(13:44):
was like the up decade andthere's a down decade, hopefully
we're on our way to the updecade and then it just goes
even keel.
That's what I'm hoping, likethat.
But it's very difficult.
It's very, very, very difficult, and you might feel the same
way to feel as worthy as you didwhen you're in the low spot, as
(14:05):
you did when you, when you'rein a high spot, when everyone's
singing your praises andeveryone's telling you did when
you're in the low spot, as youdid when you, when you're in a
high spot, when everyone'ssinging your praises and
everyone's telling you how greatyou are and what a meaningful
impact you're making on theirlives.
Okay, because I was workingwith college, with black
university and college studentsfor several years for like 16
years if you include myvolunteer years and students
were always telling me how muchof an impact I was making in
their life and how much, howmuch I changed their life and
(14:28):
how much working with them andmentoring them and coaching them
how much it changed thetrajectory of their life.
So going from that andrealizing, like I knew I had
worth then.
But then when you're drivingfor shipped and you know a
little old lady gives you $5 tipafter you nearly damn near kill
yourself trying to get hergroceries to her, it didn't feel
(14:48):
.
I didn't feel quite as worthy,even though I'm the same person
the whole time, with the samegift set, the same calling to
make an impact in this world,the same everything.
I did not feel very worthy.
And there are circumstancesalong the way that will tell you
that if you struggled in lovelike I have, you probably don't
(15:10):
feel worthy.
I did not feel worthy ofanything at all while I was
being narcissistically andverbally abused and assaulted by
my ex-husband.
Like that was such adehumanizing experience and
produced so much cognitivedissonance because I knew and to
some extent I'm not worthy ofthis.
I don't know what I'm worthy of, but it's not this.
(15:30):
And then when I was in asituation where I was assaulted,
it was with a boyfriend orex-boyfriend and I obviously did
not feel like a worthy person.
Like that situation told meyou're not even worthy of not
getting your hands put on.
I think those situations backto back just really kind of shot
my self-esteem.
As you can imagine.
It's pretty understandable.
(15:52):
I already had PTSD when he didthat to me.
So it was just, it was a lot,y'all it was a lot.
And that wasn't the only thinggoing on.
You know being poor at thattime before I started my
master's program the second oneI was broke than a mug and just
being teed, always teetering onthe edge of homelessness.
If you've ever been there,y'all you know that is the most
(16:15):
debilitating feeling.
I can't even describe it likethat the feeling of poverty.
Poverty is so crushing I almostwish, in a weird way, that
everyone could experience it atleast once, for a day or
something, maybe just living inthe fear of losing everything,
or having lost everything, orknowing you can't recover if you
(16:36):
do lose everything, the thesadness and fear that goes into
wondering if you're going to beable to feed your kids, or
Having food insecurity or notfeeding yourself.
But there were, there were timeswhere I just wasn't eating so
that my kids could eat, likeliterally, and not wanting to
tell anyone or tell their dads,because I didn't want them to be
removed from me, because Ialways made sure they had enough
(16:57):
food to eat.
But if I start saying I don'thave enough money to buy us food
, then they're gonna just takethe kids away from me, which is
kind of why I was like I'll justI will not eat, and low key
y'all.
I probably could have made acan of beans or something like
that.
Like, at the end of the day, Iwasn't starving.
I just want to make that clear.
I just didn't want to eat whatwe had and so I was like well,
(17:17):
I'll be hungry and when I don'twant anybody to just misconstrue
the story about what I'm sayingwe had food.
Insecurity is what I'm tryingto say.
My anxiety was so high I couldnot, could not hold down a full
time job.
I'd also started perimenopause,which greatly affects your
(17:41):
brain and the way your brainworks.
Brain fog, short term memoryare things that lots of
perimenopausal women say.
I didn't really know I had ADHDlike that.
Like that.
Until I started perimenopause Icouldn't focus for more than, I
would say, 15 minutes at all.
That's, that was new.
It was new for me.
The brain fog, that level ofbrain fog fog was new for me.
(18:04):
That level like well, I stillreally have a terrible short
term memory.
I mean it's terrible, it's.
It's it's beyond what is normalmy short term memory.
As a result of perimenopause, Icouldn't hold down no jobs, no
jobs, and I still don't know ifI could even work in a focused
way at a desk for 20 hours aweek.
I don't know if I'm actuallyliterally still capable of that,
(18:27):
given what I'm still dealingwith.
But my whole point is maybe youcan relate, maybe you can relate
to being hella behind in life,to having weird random
circumstances that make it veryhard to get forward, to move
forward, to enjoy your life, etc.
But first let's have a wordfrom our sponsor.
(18:47):
Our sponsor is me, grace Sandra, and the book is Grace Actually
Memoirs of Love, faith, lustand Black Womanhood.
You can get this available onAmazon in digital or hard copy.
I think it's pretty good.
I have tons and tons of fivestar ratings, so go check it out
and leave me a rating and sendme an email Let me know what you
think.
So if you feel hopeless, feellike you're too old, you don't
(19:10):
know what to do, you don't knowwhere to go, you don't know how
to get it together, you don'tknow how to make money.
You don't know how to do a sidehustle.
You feel like a loser.
Whatever your situation is, Ireally just want to tell you
that your feelings are valid.
It's really okay and more thanunderstandable to feel extremely
overwhelmed.
I think something I needed tohear, that maybe you need to
hear, is that it's really veryagain, quite normal to
(19:33):
experience significant setbacksafter trauma, and a divorce can
be trauma.
Losing your home can be trauma.
Losing your retirement accountcan be trauma.
Not saying that these thingsall are, but each individual has
our own, you know, individualset of things that make us feel
like we've been traumatized.
Living in an uncertain future isreally scary and really hard,
(19:55):
and I'm feeling that I wasalready.
I'm already always feeling that, just given how I feel like my
mental health has been in asuper, super fragile state for
at least the last three years.
So I've already felt uncertain,super fragile state for at
least the last three years.
So I've already felt uncertain.
But then you add in this recentelection, and I'm like what is
going to happen?
What is going to, as someonewho takes advantage of social
(20:15):
services like Medicaid and SNAPetc.
Like what on earth?
I think that's where we have todig really, really deep into
the idea not just the idea, butthe truth that just being alive
(20:37):
is a testament to our resilience.
Just being here, still fightingfor yourself, still fighting
for your children, stillfighting for a life after 48,
still fighting for my dreams,you know that to me, I feel like
, is a testament of myresilience and my drive and my
fight and my survivorship.
Speaking of survivor, I reallythink what we need to do as
(20:59):
women, particularly as blackwomen who feel like our value is
in question, is we need toreframe the, any feelings of
feeling like a loser or a bum orwhatever things that people
might be saying to us, which, tobe clear, I've never had
anybody I haven't had anybody bereally mean to me about this
stuff at all.
I think most everyone who'sknown like I've had such a
(21:23):
significant financial struggleas a result of having such
significant mental health issues, I think they've been really
gracious.
I'm really grateful for that.
But the one who's been the mostmean to myself, honestly has
been me, and I'm the one whoI've had to say like hey, no, no
(21:43):
, no, no, you've been through alot.
It's okay Like, love yourself,boo, love yourself.
But I think that we can do alot of good for ourselves by
reframing it from loser or bumor whatever to survivor.
The language change from loserto survivor is really, really
significant.
You can just hear it, even inthose you know, just setting
(22:05):
them next to each other.
Survivor has an air ofintentionality about it and I
feel like I've been sointentional to turn my life all
the way back around, sointentional that I can't see
myself as anything else at thispoint than a worthy ass survivor
.
You know how much you'recapable of.
You know what you're stillcapable of.
(22:26):
You know that it doesn't haveto be over for you.
Remember that wherever you werebefore, those capabilities
haven't disappeared.
And even if let's say before,let's say you haven't had it
before, let's say your story isdifferent from mine.
You didn't have this likethriving career to like.
Look back at like, oh yeah, Idid do some things.
Look at it as there arecapabilities that you have that
(22:49):
you've never explored yet, andthis can be an adventure of you
trying to figure out what youneed to do to get your life in a
place where you feel reallyproud of it, where you feel
really good about it.
Your achievements are also apart and a testament to your
resilience.
If you have mother children andyou have loved them and treated
them well and did the best forthem, even when you couldn't,
(23:09):
even when you feel like youdidn't have it in you, that is
an achievement.
What are your otherachievements?
Not including raising your kids, because whatever those are
also demonstrate someone with alot of strength and a lot of
determination.
Financial situations can changein a snap and it's always good
to remind yourself and I spend alot of time doing this myself
(23:30):
that there is someone else inthe world who would want to
change positions with me, and Iactually think there's a lot of
someone else's in the world whowould want to change positions
with me.
Something that I have done asI've navigated these past
several years is I have not setmy mental health aside.
I mean, my mental health hasbeen such a big part of the
problem I don't think I wouldhave been able to, even if I
(23:51):
wanted to, baby, but I havecontinued to seek medical help
therapists, actual doctors sothat I could get the
prescriptions and things that Ineeded.
I have done the absolute mostto try to figure out how to make
sure my mental health is in abetter place.
Your well-being is thefoundation for literally
(24:12):
everything else.
Your mental health is literallythe foundation like.
You cannot cannot ignore it andthere's something going on.
Please address it.
Please address it.
I hope that if you're in a placewhere you're really behind that
, you have an enormous amount ofself-compassion for yourself.
I hope that you will do what Isaid in my last episode, which
is, if you're struggling withthis, write down your issues and
(24:34):
problems as if you were yourbest friend and or even if you
don't have a best friend, if youwere a best friend, and write
it down.
Write yourself a letter as ifit was coming from a best friend
and I guarantee you a bestfriend is going to say something
like you know, you've reallybeen through a lot.
I think you really understand.
You really deserve someunderstanding.
You really deserve somecompassion.
(24:55):
I think you really deserve tohear that you've been strong and
that you've been brave, etcetera.
You know, I'm telling you,prioritizing those self-care
activities and prioritizing selfcompassion on yourself will
literally change your life.
Watch my last episode.
It's your time to write yourown story right.
It's your time to write adifferent story for yourself.
(25:17):
It's your time to flip thechapter over in the book if
that's what you feel like youreally need, and that's what I
feel like I really, really likehella need, and that's what I
feel like I really really likehella need.
And so I made a commitment thatI was going to pursue my fears,
my dreams and my passions nomatter what, and one of those is
this podcast.
So I decided that I'm going todo this no matter what, even if
(25:39):
I never get monetized on YouTube, even if this doesn't get
monetized, even if I quoteunquote fail, I'm willing to
fail in pursuit of my dream, indoing something I love.
I think there is a societal normthat we have to have everything
all figured out by a certainage.
You know, whatever it is.
Some people I've heard somepeople say it's like 2627.
(26:01):
And I'm looking at people in mylife who are 2627.
And they're like literal babies, like I don't even get it, but
like 3035.
Some people would say theywould or do or should have their
life figured out by 40.
But I think we all know a lotof us, including ourselves,
including me, who don't haveanything figured out by 48.
At least, what I don't.
I haven't figured out how to dothis again.
(26:23):
I haven't figured out how to dothis whole career thing again,
how to do this whole makingmoney and being financially
stable thing again.
Obviously, I've picked up a lot, a lot along the way and I
consider myself to be a personwho is learned in a lot of ways
from a lot of circumstances.
But having life all figured outis definitely a societal norm
(26:44):
that I don't think is helpfuland I don't think it's something
we should be like.
Let me get my whole life allfigured out.
No, let's figure out how toenjoy the journey.
But if we are willing toconfront our self-doubt and our
basic fear of change just asbasic as humans and if we can
take on the things that feeloverwhelming, we can really and
(27:06):
truly change our life.
I have tackled my fears head onin a lot of ways, not just with
career, not just with writingand publishing my book, which is
very vulnerable if you read it.
Not just starting this YouTubechannel, not just like sharing
the six part story of mynarcissistically and verbally
abusive ex, which was reallyhard to do, but I did it and
(27:31):
I've shared a lot vulnerably ina lot of other places as well.
And I think, when I look atthat, I'm like you know, not a
lot of people would be willingto share what I've shared.
I've heard that.
I've heard that several times.
You get the point.
I have I have done some things,lots of things that I'm afraid
of, and I just want you to knowthat every single time I sit
(27:51):
down to record one of these, Ifeel afraid.
What if it sucks?
What if it sucks bad?
What if it never picks up?
I definitely feel cringy alittle bit when I market these
episodes.
I mean, I feel cringe everysingle time I share it.
I I feel cringe, but I amtrying to do a few things so
that I ensure that my life movesforward.
(28:12):
Actually, not just a few things, I'm trying to do a lot of
things, but in particular, whenyou think about rebuilding, I
try to take very small steps anddo one step at a time and move
one foot forward.
Even on my manifestationjourney, I'm getting big and
more and more into learning howto manifest money and
experiences that I want to have,and I've realized even in that
(28:34):
if you break down what you'retrying to manifest into smaller,
more achievable goals, it'seasier.
Me deciding to go back to school.
It was a big one of merealizing like there's a big
world out there, girl, there's alot you can do, like go do it.
So I don't think it's thegreatest.
You know that I had to takeschool loans out to go back to
(28:54):
school, but at the same time Iam trying to manifest that I'll
be able to pay off them schoolloans, point blank and period
boo.
Don't forget y'all, tocelebrate every little victory
along the way.
You deserve to celebrate everylittle victory along the way.
I hate sometimes that like welive in this culture that's like
if you don't get like the bigbig thing, then it's almost like
nothing is worth celebrating.
(29:15):
I try to give myself littletreats throughout the day when I
, you know, do what I say I'mgoing to do, and when I have
little victories, like I tellmyself, like okay, when you get
this or get this amount of moneyor do this or whatever, then
you'll get this and I get it formyself.
And usually it's in the form ofsome sort of like clothing or
accessory, cause I just loveclothes and makeup and accessory
(29:38):
and I love being a girl.
So those are my little treats.
They're they're usually notfood related, but life would be
easier if it would cause.
It would probably be cheaper,you know, to get, like you know,
a $5 piece of cake versus a $25serum.
I would highly suggest lookinginto the work of Dr Joe Dispenza
and what he talks about interms of neuroscience and
(30:03):
attracting greater situationsfor us, both financially and
career wise.
And I read his book Breakingthe Habit of being Yourself.
I will put it here and link itin the show notes and that
really, really really changed mymindset in a lot of ways.
I read that like, I think, ayear and a half ago or so.
Actually, no, that's a lie, Iread it longer.
I read it two years ago duringthe summer, because I remember I
(30:24):
was going on long walks andlistening to that book on
Audible because it was just sofreaking good.
But it was what got me likereally thinking bigger than just
this summer or next summer,like where do I want to be in
five years?
Where do I want to be in 10years?
What does my future self looklike?
I'm starting to envision more.
I've been doing vision boards.
I've been doing vision boardsfor a while, but getting more
specific, and now I do scriptingand just other manifestation
(30:48):
principles so that I cancontinue to look forward.
From this whole, I'm nowhere.
I have nothing to well.
Where could I be Even in twoyears?
Where could I be, could be insuch a different place?
I just want you to know, nomatter how old you are and I say
this truly from the bottom ofmy heart, like there's nothing
wrong with you.
(31:13):
I think what's wrong with mostof us, more than anything, is
that we live in a capitalisticsociety that demands that we
drain our body of its life,blood and soul in order to meet
the needs of capitalism.
That's not to say that weshouldn't take accountability
and responsibility for themistakes we've made in our life,
etc.
Etc.
I don't know why you are 48 andover and feel like a loser, but
I know why I have.
And one thing that I haveneeded to remember and remind
(31:37):
myself that is literally themost simplest things, but that
is that you are resilient, youare capable, your feelings are
valid, you are not alone.
You are not alone.
I will tell you that muchbecause the more, the more
yapping I've done about this,the more I've realized like I am
not alone in being an olderwoman who doesn't have these,
these markers, these stones thatpeople say I should have by now
(32:00):
.
I am not alone, so you aren'teither.
You can rebuild your life.
You can absolutely rebuild it.
You can absolutely rebuild it.
You can absolutely start over.
You can absolutely conquer somebad habits.
You can absolutely come backfrom bankruptcy.
You can come back from anything.
I believe truly, fully, fullybelieve that we can, with God's
(32:21):
help, manifest the life that wewant.
You are a blessing, your lifeis a blessing and your
children's life is a blessing.
You are supported and loved,and while it seemed like that
little list that I just rattledoff to you is like oh yeah, of
course, of course, grace.
Okay, I really challenge you toask yourself if you really
believe that, though, if youreally believe those things,
(32:42):
because people want to write itoff so hard, but mindset is so
important to life change, like,if there's one thing that I have
realized in these past fiveyears of trying to change my
life so significantly, I'vetried to change my life, every
area of my life.
I have worked so hard on ity'all.
If there's one thing I'velearned, it's that you have to
(33:03):
believe that you are capable andthat you are worthy, and that
you are worthy and that you areresilient and that you are not
alone and that you havecommunity and that you have
someone behind you and that youcan do it and that nothing can
stop you.
You have to believe that stuff.
It can't just be cute littleaffirmations posted on your wall
, you have to literally believeit, and sometimes, especially if
(33:23):
you're like me, you were a verytraumatized child that believed
a lot of lies.
As a result of that trauma, youhave to do quite a lot of mind
work, namely meditation andjournaling and other things, to
get that to stick in your head,like to get I was.
By the way, during these lastfive years, there was a point
where I was tempted to unalivemyself every month for a day or
(33:45):
two at a time, for 16 months ina row.
Nothing says I'm an unworthyhuman than wanting to unalive
yourself for 16 months in a row.
Now, granted, I was having somehuge issues with PMDD.
My PMDD is really, really badand I was experiencing
perimenopause, so all of thatwas heightened.
But I still believed at the endof the day, I'm not worthy of
(34:08):
being here, and so, even withall of the mindset work I was
doing, I was still reallystruggling to get some of these
basics.
So you might be tempted to writeme off and be like, oh, that's
no, that's not a really a reallygood piece of advice.
Yes, it is a good piece ofadvice because you don't believe
it right now, and I know youdon't.
Otherwise you wouldn't besaying that, because if you
believed it you knew how hard itwas to get there.
It is really hard, even forkids who haven't grown up
(34:31):
traumatized.
Even for people who don't havea lot of trauma in their
background, it can be reallyfucking hard to believe that you
are really, really worthy ofyour dreams and really worthy of
chasing the life that you want.
Because people who chase thelife that they want and get to
where they want, they know thatshit was not easy at all and
(34:53):
they know the kind oftransformation they had to been
through.
So that's how I know, if youfight me in your head, that you
really haven't done that workyet, because you would know how
hard it is to really get itthoroughly fully through your
head that you are a worthyindividual, that you are
completely lovable and capableand that you're enough and some
of those light bulbs aftermonths, after months and months
and months and months of yearseven of me working on it.
(35:17):
Some of those light bulbs havefinally started to go off, where
I just literally think ofmyself all the time as enough
and not too much, and lovableand capable and worthy and
beautiful and kind and smart andintelligent and wonderful even
and a real catch that no one hascaught, and right now I'm okay
with that but smart, intelligent, someone who's capable of
(35:39):
finishing this master's degreeand doing a great job at it and
having a wonderful career that Ilaunched, that I do myself,
where I work for myself on myterms and my hours, which is
exactly what I want as a mom whostill has an eight-year-old and
a 15-year-old and a 19-year-oldin college.
So all of that is easy for menow, like and and I'm chasing it
, I'm going after it and I'm nota loser, even though I'm still
(36:01):
in a okay y'all.
My battery died and it cut meoff and I'm gonna be honest with
y'all, I don't even know whatthe hell I was saying.
So I'm back.
I think I was just saying thatI know who the fuck I am right
now and, as a result of that, ithas both kept me going.
It has made me not want to quit, I think.
I think it has honestlyrelieved a lot of this unaliving
(36:22):
ideations that I had before.
It has really changed mydynamic with dating, with, with
men, with sex, just in general.
Like everything has elevated, Ithink, because of a greater
sense of knowing my worth.
Same thing with girlfriendships as well.
There's just been really no endto the amount of growth since I
changed my mindset on a lot ofthese things.
(36:44):
My whole point is, if you arehere and you have felt a similar
sense of like just lost in theworld, I really want to tell you
I relate, I really really do.
I really relate and I reallywholeheartedly believe that you
don't have to stay here.
I don't have anything to offeryou.
I don't have a coaching program, I'm not doing anything like
(37:04):
that.
But if you want to send me anemail I'm not always the
greatest at responding, but Iwill try to respond for sure and
you can email me at out heretrying to survive at gmailcom.
If you're not yet, pleasesubscribe.
But bigger than that, please dome the greatest favor in the
whole wide world and go to Appleand leave me a review on Apple.
Follow me on my socials.
(37:25):
I'm on Instagram at graceunderscore, sandra underscore,
and I'm on TikTok as out heretrying to survive.
I am starting a new newsletterwhich I am so excited about
because I'm going to get back towriting.
It's called not just survivingbut thriving, and it's going to
cover six topics.
I'll tell you a little bit moreabout it next week, when I have
it more fully developed andfleshed out, but for now, you
(37:48):
can go on my website,outheretryingsurvivecom, or any
of the links in these biosanywhere and sign up for my
newsletter and then, when Imigrate it to Substack and get
it started, you can be the firstto be there.
I will see y'all next week.
Again, sorry for the missedweek.
I was tired, sick, worn out,heartbroken Girl.
I had so much going on, but youcould be anywhere and you're
(38:09):
here with me today.
So thank you so much forjoining me.
You are a beautiful soul.
Remember again that you arestrong and resilient and
completely capable of creatingthe life that you deserve.
I believe in you Until nexttime, bye.
Imagine if you will, being 48 and reinventing
yourself completely and startingover and being the best version
of yourself ever.
So maybe you're not 48.
Specifically, I am 48 and I amstarting over and becoming the
best version of myself that'sliterally ever existed.
Not even kidding, and I'm gonnabe real hella honest with y'all
(00:20):
in this episode.
But are you 40 plus, startingover, starting over a new career
?
Maybe you've been divorced orwhatever the circumstances, and
you find yourself kind of flaton your ass and needing a new
start and low-key, feeling likea loser, because we're not gonna
sit here and act like.
That's not what people feellike when they go through real
hard shit.
But hey, y'all, if you're newhere, I'm Grace.
(00:42):
I am the host of Out hereTrying to Survive.
I'm a mom, a writer, apodcaster, an advocate, an
activist, and I'm just reallyout here really honestly and
truly trying to survive.
This podcast is a hope-orientedstorytelling space and a warm
hug of solidarity from me to you.
It is a celebration of ourresilience thus far and our
determination to not only justsurvive but also to thrive.
(01:04):
Welcome.
According to the Googles, theaverage American woman makes
around $51,600 a year.
This usually falls between$40,000 and $60,000.
And that, of course, depends onfactors like location, industry
, education level, etc.
And it's also helpful to notethere is a significant gender
(01:26):
gap.
So men doing the same job makeon average $1 more per hour.
Also, according to the Googles,black American women make on
average about $41,900 per year,with the stats showing that
Black women make on average alittle bit less than women in
the 40 to 49 age group, which isslightly lower than the overall
average for everyone.
(01:47):
If that made sense and it ishelpful to remember that us
Black women are fighting bothgender and race and that we make
less than white men ineverything in the same jobs,
even when considering educationlevel, which is really sad.
As I mentioned before, I'm 48years old.
Three years ago I left myfull-time job where I was making
about I think I ended at either44 or 45.
(02:09):
So I was like right in thatexact range, making slightly
above average than the averageBlack American woman of the same
age.
But since then, since then, Ihave made a whopping and prepare
yourself for this a whoppingabout $10,000 a year.
I've been doing gig work andI've been living off of student
loans while I go to school formy master's degree which I am
(02:32):
graduating this year.
Can I get a hallelujah?
I'm going to go more into mystory in a minute about how I
get there and all of that, but Iwill say this I don't own a
home.
I used to have a home when I wasmarried.
I don't own a home.
I used to have a home when Iwas married.
I don't have one anymore.
I used to have a retirementaccount that would probably be
at least 300, 400k right now,but I don't anymore.
(02:53):
I don't have a massive savings.
I don't own my car, although Iwill in $10,000.
I lived in a very somewhatbougie, somewhat suburban, very
overpriced three bedroomapartment and, like I said, I
don't own any property.
And by all means, and when I'velooked at the way the society
describes someone like me, theywould call someone like me
(03:14):
especially if I were a man a bumyeah, a bum Bigger than that.
For me, what has been so hardis not having a career, and
bigger than that is not beingcapable of a career.
Let me rephrase that Havingissues that prevented me from
feeling like I could live fullyin my capabilities, even though
(03:34):
I'm a very hella capable womanwho's very smart and educated
and a hard worker.
There have been so many timesin these last three years since
I left my full-time job that Ihave just felt like a loser,
loser, okay, loser, loser.
And then there have been timesin my journey where I have
(03:57):
really worked very hard at mymindset and really had so much
grace and self-compassion.
If you didn't catch my lastepisode, I talked about
self-compassion.
I think it's one of the mostprobably important and
clarifying podcasts I've had sofar, and I go deep into the
journey of realizing how muchI've been through and how much
(04:17):
I've survived, and instead ofseeing myself as a loser, I've
seen myself as a survivor.
If you can relate to my journeyin any way whatsoever, just a
little FYI you're not a loser.
We are not losers.
We are survivors.
We have faced you have facedincredible adversity and if
you're still standing, I wantyou to give yourself like a
round of applause.
(04:37):
Okay, because life is fucked upout here Sometimes.
I'm like Grace you are stillalive.
You are still alive, girl.
What is you talking about?
You're a loser or a bum orwhatever.
Like you have survived thingsthat lesser people wouldn't have
.
They just wouldn't have.
There has been a certain levelof hell that I've went through
(04:58):
really honestly in these wholepast decade that I really
wouldn't wish on anyone.
And so when I look at myselfand I just start to get down on
myself about the things thatsociety lists as something that
makes you good enough you know,having a house, owning a nice
car, being able to take annualvacations just things I haven't
(05:18):
done or haven't been able to dohaving a retirement, things like
that I've had to remind myselfbitch, you are still alive, you
still here, so you can.
There's redemption is possible.
You are still here.
And also those markers are justindicators of what our society
tells us.
In a different society, lots ofother societies where they don't
(05:39):
have the same markers as us,they're just out fishing and
enjoying their best lives andthey worry about the stuff that
America is worried about.
But, most importantly, in otherplaces in the world there is a
distinct value on human life andjust that.
You are valuable just for beinga human, and your value is not
explained by your retirementaccount, by your career, by your
(06:02):
home, etc.
But yeah, I had to have like adeep night of the soul, like a
dark, a dark night of the soulabout this whole, things I don't
have and where I'm at for myage and watching so many people
younger than me have so muchmore, and I've just really had
to come to such a solid place ofmy internal and inherent worth.
And it's been a beautifuljourney, but it's really
(06:25):
difficult.
So in this episode we are divingdeep into the unaccomplished
life.
So if life just ain't going theway you hoped it would, sis, I
can tell you I relate and we'regoing to talk about it.
But first let me tell y'all astory.
So the story of how I got here,lost a house, lost my
(06:45):
retirement, don't have any longterm savings at the moment and
trying to recover and rebuild mylife is maybe not a lot, unlike
some of yours.
So I'm just going to tell you alittle bit of the story and
then we're going to kind of getinto a little bit more.
But basically the gist is I'mgonna give you all the overview.
The overview is got divorced andin the divorce I did not want
(07:07):
my ex to have to move my boys,because we had little boys at
the time, or they were likethree and seven or so.
I was like I don't want you tohave to buy me out or pay me the
equity or whatever, because Idon't want y'all to have to move
and that just felt like toomuch for the little boys, for
our sons, to go through thedivorce and having to move from
the only house I'd ever known.
I found out later and my lawyerwas so dumb and incompetent.
(07:29):
But I could have, he could havejust refinanced and y'all I
could have.
My life could be very differentright now.
But you know what, whateverAnyway.
So that was the first thing thatset me back in a big way is
going from owning a home to notowning a home, owning a home
that I paid into for severalyears.
I mean, I paid into that home,we bought it together for 12, 12
(07:54):
or 13 years and never gotanything out of it.
It's kind of like I was rentingbut I wasn't renting.
I was a homeowner and then gotnothing out of it when it.
You know, in the end I was ahomeowner and then got nothing
out of it when it.
You know, in the end Then I washaving a mental health
breakdown.
That's partly, you know, whattriggered me being like I'm
making a clean break.
(08:14):
I kind of knew that I was notin a great place to work.
I had got fired also during thedivorce.
Anyway, long story short, shortstory long.
I ended up taking out myretirement so that I could
survive and pay for my wholenext year of rent, because I
kind of knew like I'm juststruggling.
Got back on my feet, did get agood job that had a good salary,
and then got remarried, gotpregnant, and then that job like
(08:37):
literally abruptly, within twoweeks, was like hey, we're going
out of business.
Your last check will be here onDecember 28th yes, december 28,
a few days after Christmas,while I was pregnant.
That was devastating and havejust continued to struggle since
then.
That second marriage, I ended upgoing through domestic violence
which traumatized the actualliving fuck out of me.
(08:57):
Okay, traumatized me more thanother things have traumatized me
.
More than having childhoodtrauma has traumatized me all.
The marriage traumatized me andI left that marriage having
been diagnosed with complex PTSD, which I believe I had
beforehand.
But what he did to me made it amillion times worse.
I actually have that story up onmy YouTube channel if you're
(09:17):
interested in learning the insand outs of narcissistic oh girl
, I'm not even gonna say whatjust happened.
Yes, I will.
I think my cat just literallypeed under my desk where I'm
filming while I'm filming, likehow rude is that?
Like how rude?
Can you please get out of herewith your?
(09:38):
Anyway, if you're interested inlearning the ins and outs of
narcissistic and and or verbalabuse, that is what I endured
and that's what traumatized meso acutely.
Anyway, oh, the worst part isnow I can smell it.
Okay, pause, I got to fix thisbecause I can't.
I can't go on while I'msmelling this like pause, okay,
(10:02):
I'm back.
I'm not sure where I left off,but once we got divorced I
started really going hard onhealing.
I also have a series up on mychannel too, about EMDR therapy
really saving my life.
At that time I just I knew thatI wasn't going to survive if I
didn't really focus on myhealing.
I'm sorry I'm also eating acough drop because I have had
issues with coughing in mythroat for like a month and a
(10:24):
half, maybe even two months bynow.
So I'm so sorry.
When I got divorced, I wasworking full time at a local
library as a circulationsupervisor, working with great
people for great people, and itwas such a challenge for me.
It was such a struggle Becauseof my mental health issues.
I had severe depression, severeanxiety.
My complex PTSD was so bad atthat time, it was so, so, so bad
(10:47):
and triggered by so many thingsand I just knew I can't keep
doing this.
So when I left the library, itwas, I think, a year and a half
or so out from my divorce.
I was still healing, but I waskind of breaking down.
I had recently gotten assaulted, which was terrible and
traumatized me.
My mom was dying and then sheended up dying.
I was just not in a great place, y'all.
(11:09):
And so for the last three yearsthat was three years ago I have
been doing gig work, like I said, and trying to find my way,
when I've known at every step Ihave to start over, I have to
start over, I have to start over, or the things I was starting
weren't working.
So I started YouTube in 2018 or2019.
And I wasn't consistent.
(11:31):
I think if I'd been consistentit would have worked, but I was
never consistent.
I had done a couple ofdifferent MLMs Like while we
were married I had done it Works.
And then I did Melaleuca and Itried really hard.
I fought for my life.
I was out there fighting for mylife and still never made like
more than $1,000 a month andrealizing like that's not going
to work.
And then I wrote a book and youknow I didn't expect to make
(11:53):
like a lot of money with thebook which, by the way, I'll
tell y'all about my book it'sstill up on Amazon but I at one
point thought I was going tohave a whole career writing.
So it just it felt like a gutpunch to be back back to
self-publishing when I'm part offour published books and I
actually had at some point I hadan agent and things interested
in me and I let all of that gowhen I was having like a mental
(12:16):
crash and ended up gettingdivorced.
And then I started a gradprogram that I ended up not
liking at all.
This was in like 2012.
So I didn't finish it.
That's another long story.
2012.
So I didn't finish it that'sanother long story.
So I think you know when youtake in the combination like you
probably all have your own, butthat was mine it was like, oh
my God, you started thismaster's degree and never
finished it.
You know you had this great,thriving career before, before I
(12:38):
got divorced, and I walked awayfrom it, in part because we
were working together and I justcouldn't take it no more.
I felt like I was going crazy.
And you know you had impact andnow you don't have impact.
You know you had a house nowyou don't have a house.
You had a retirement now youdon't have a retirement.
You know you had the respect ofat least having a career and
now you ain't got no career.
Girl, now you driving fordelivered and shit Like girl.
(13:00):
What is you doing as someonewho you know had a had a I did
have a once thriving, up andcoming career.
It's very you know how somepeople say, like don't be too
happy about the happy times anddon't be too sad about sad times
, because it's always gonna comeback around.
And I kind of feel like in bigswaths of decades that's how
I've tried to look at it Likeokay, I had these, this really
happy time where I could tell Iwas making a huge impact, I was
making pretty good money and Iwas really feeling very
(13:22):
satisfied.
That's the point.
I was feeling satisfied in mycareer and then it like
completely tanked.
Okay, we're now, we're down atthe bottom, completely tanked,
and I feel like I'm back on myway up, but I'm just trying to
do it my way and work for myselfwith my podcast and take
control of my writing career andget that back.
So I feel like, if we look atit in decades, hopefully that
(13:44):
was like the up decade andthere's a down decade, hopefully
we're on our way to the updecade and then it just goes
even keel.
That's what I'm hoping, likethat.
But it's very difficult.
It's very, very, very difficult, and you might feel the same
way to feel as worthy as you didwhen you're in the low spot, as
(14:05):
you did when you, when you'rein a high spot, when everyone's
singing your praises andeveryone's telling you did when
you're in the low spot, as youdid when you, when you're in a
high spot, when everyone'ssinging your praises and
everyone's telling you how greatyou are and what a meaningful
impact you're making on theirlives.
Okay, because I was workingwith college, with black
university and college studentsfor several years for like 16
years if you include myvolunteer years and students
were always telling me how muchof an impact I was making in
their life and how much, howmuch I changed their life and
(14:28):
how much working with them andmentoring them and coaching them
how much it changed thetrajectory of their life.
So going from that andrealizing, like I knew I had
worth then.
But then when you're drivingfor shipped and you know a
little old lady gives you $5 tipafter you nearly damn near kill
yourself trying to get hergroceries to her, it didn't feel
(14:48):
.
I didn't feel quite as worthy,even though I'm the same person
the whole time, with the samegift set, the same calling to
make an impact in this world,the same everything.
I did not feel very worthy.
And there are circumstancesalong the way that will tell you
that if you struggled in lovelike I have, you probably don't
(15:10):
feel worthy.
I did not feel worthy ofanything at all while I was
being narcissistically andverbally abused and assaulted by
my ex-husband.
Like that was such adehumanizing experience and
produced so much cognitivedissonance because I knew and to
some extent I'm not worthy ofthis.
I don't know what I'm worthy of, but it's not this.
(15:30):
And then when I was in asituation where I was assaulted,
it was with a boyfriend orex-boyfriend and I obviously did
not feel like a worthy person.
Like that situation told meyou're not even worthy of not
getting your hands put on.
I think those situations backto back just really kind of shot
my self-esteem.
As you can imagine.
It's pretty understandable.
(15:52):
I already had PTSD when he didthat to me.
So it was just, it was a lot,y'all it was a lot.
And that wasn't the only thinggoing on.
You know being poor at thattime before I started my
master's program the second oneI was broke than a mug and just
being teed, always teetering onthe edge of homelessness.
If you've ever been there,y'all you know that is the most
(16:15):
debilitating feeling.
I can't even describe it likethat the feeling of poverty.
Poverty is so crushing I almostwish, in a weird way, that
everyone could experience it atleast once, for a day or
something, maybe just living inthe fear of losing everything,
or having lost everything, orknowing you can't recover if you
(16:36):
do lose everything, the thesadness and fear that goes into
wondering if you're going to beable to feed your kids, or
Having food insecurity or notfeeding yourself.
But there were, there were timeswhere I just wasn't eating so
that my kids could eat, likeliterally, and not wanting to
tell anyone or tell their dads,because I didn't want them to be
removed from me, because Ialways made sure they had enough
(16:57):
food to eat.
But if I start saying I don'thave enough money to buy us food
, then they're gonna just takethe kids away from me, which is
kind of why I was like I'll justI will not eat, and low key
y'all.
I probably could have made acan of beans or something like
that.
Like, at the end of the day, Iwasn't starving.
I just want to make that clear.
I just didn't want to eat whatwe had and so I was like well,
(17:17):
I'll be hungry and when I don'twant anybody to just misconstrue
the story about what I'm sayingwe had food.
Insecurity is what I'm tryingto say.
My anxiety was so high I couldnot, could not hold down a full
time job.
I'd also started perimenopause,which greatly affects your
(17:41):
brain and the way your brainworks.
Brain fog, short term memoryare things that lots of
perimenopausal women say.
I didn't really know I had ADHDlike that.
Like that.
Until I started perimenopause Icouldn't focus for more than, I
would say, 15 minutes at all.
That's, that was new.
It was new for me.
The brain fog, that level ofbrain fog fog was new for me.
(18:04):
That level like well, I stillreally have a terrible short
term memory.
I mean it's terrible, it's.
It's it's beyond what is normalmy short term memory.
As a result of perimenopause, Icouldn't hold down no jobs, no
jobs, and I still don't know ifI could even work in a focused
way at a desk for 20 hours aweek.
I don't know if I'm actuallyliterally still capable of that,
(18:27):
given what I'm still dealingwith.
But my whole point is maybe youcan relate, maybe you can relate
to being hella behind in life,to having weird random
circumstances that make it veryhard to get forward, to move
forward, to enjoy your life, etc.
But first let's have a wordfrom our sponsor.
(18:47):
Our sponsor is me, grace Sandra, and the book is Grace Actually
Memoirs of Love, faith, lustand Black Womanhood.
You can get this available onAmazon in digital or hard copy.
I think it's pretty good.
I have tons and tons of fivestar ratings, so go check it out
and leave me a rating and sendme an email Let me know what you
think.
So if you feel hopeless, feellike you're too old, you don't
(19:10):
know what to do, you don't knowwhere to go, you don't know how
to get it together, you don'tknow how to make money.
You don't know how to do a sidehustle.
You feel like a loser.
Whatever your situation is, Ireally just want to tell you
that your feelings are valid.
It's really okay and more thanunderstandable to feel extremely
overwhelmed.
I think something I needed tohear, that maybe you need to
hear, is that it's really veryagain, quite normal to
(19:33):
experience significant setbacksafter trauma, and a divorce can
be trauma.
Losing your home can be trauma.
Losing your retirement accountcan be trauma.
Not saying that these thingsall are, but each individual has
our own, you know, individualset of things that make us feel
like we've been traumatized.
Living in an uncertain future isreally scary and really hard,
(19:55):
and I'm feeling that I wasalready.
I'm already always feeling that, just given how I feel like my
mental health has been in asuper, super fragile state for
at least the last three years.
So I've already felt uncertain,super fragile state for at
least the last three years.
So I've already felt uncertain.
But then you add in this recentelection, and I'm like what is
going to happen?
What is going to, as someonewho takes advantage of social
(20:15):
services like Medicaid and SNAPetc.
Like what on earth?
I think that's where we have todig really, really deep into
the idea not just the idea, butthe truth that just being alive
(20:37):
is a testament to our resilience.
Just being here, still fightingfor yourself, still fighting
for your children, stillfighting for a life after 48,
still fighting for my dreams,you know that to me, I feel like
, is a testament of myresilience and my drive and my
fight and my survivorship.
Speaking of survivor, I reallythink what we need to do as
(20:59):
women, particularly as blackwomen who feel like our value is
in question, is we need toreframe the, any feelings of
feeling like a loser or a bum orwhatever things that people
might be saying to us, which, tobe clear, I've never had
anybody I haven't had anybody bereally mean to me about this
stuff at all.
I think most everyone who'sknown like I've had such a
(21:23):
significant financial struggleas a result of having such
significant mental health issues, I think they've been really
gracious.
I'm really grateful for that.
But the one who's been the mostmean to myself, honestly has
been me, and I'm the one whoI've had to say like hey, no, no
(21:43):
, no, no, you've been through alot.
It's okay Like, love yourself,boo, love yourself.
But I think that we can do alot of good for ourselves by
reframing it from loser or bumor whatever to survivor.
The language change from loserto survivor is really, really
significant.
You can just hear it, even inthose you know, just setting
(22:05):
them next to each other.
Survivor has an air ofintentionality about it and I
feel like I've been sointentional to turn my life all
the way back around, sointentional that I can't see
myself as anything else at thispoint than a worthy ass survivor
.
You know how much you'recapable of.
You know what you're stillcapable of.
(22:26):
You know that it doesn't haveto be over for you.
Remember that wherever you werebefore, those capabilities
haven't disappeared.
And even if let's say before,let's say you haven't had it
before, let's say your story isdifferent from mine.
You didn't have this likethriving career to like.
Look back at like, oh yeah, Idid do some things.
Look at it as there arecapabilities that you have that
(22:49):
you've never explored yet, andthis can be an adventure of you
trying to figure out what youneed to do to get your life in a
place where you feel reallyproud of it, where you feel
really good about it.
Your achievements are also apart and a testament to your
resilience.
If you have mother children andyou have loved them and treated
them well and did the best forthem, even when you couldn't,
(23:09):
even when you feel like youdidn't have it in you, that is
an achievement.
What are your otherachievements?
Not including raising your kids, because whatever those are
also demonstrate someone with alot of strength and a lot of
determination.
Financial situations can changein a snap and it's always good
to remind yourself and I spend alot of time doing this myself
(23:30):
that there is someone else inthe world who would want to
change positions with me, and Iactually think there's a lot of
someone else's in the world whowould want to change positions
with me.
Something that I have done asI've navigated these past
several years is I have not setmy mental health aside.
I mean, my mental health hasbeen such a big part of the
problem I don't think I wouldhave been able to, even if I
(23:51):
wanted to, baby, but I havecontinued to seek medical help
therapists, actual doctors sothat I could get the
prescriptions and things that Ineeded.
I have done the absolute mostto try to figure out how to make
sure my mental health is in abetter place.
Your well-being is thefoundation for literally
(24:12):
everything else.
Your mental health is literallythe foundation like.
You cannot cannot ignore it andthere's something going on.
Please address it.
Please address it.
I hope that if you're in a placewhere you're really behind that
, you have an enormous amount ofself-compassion for yourself.
I hope that you will do what Isaid in my last episode, which
is, if you're struggling withthis, write down your issues and
(24:34):
problems as if you were yourbest friend and or even if you
don't have a best friend, if youwere a best friend, and write
it down.
Write yourself a letter as ifit was coming from a best friend
and I guarantee you a bestfriend is going to say something
like you know, you've reallybeen through a lot.
I think you really understand.
You really deserve someunderstanding.
You really deserve somecompassion.
(24:55):
I think you really deserve tohear that you've been strong and
that you've been brave, etcetera.
You know, I'm telling you,prioritizing those self-care
activities and prioritizing selfcompassion on yourself will
literally change your life.
Watch my last episode.
It's your time to write yourown story right.
It's your time to write adifferent story for yourself.
(25:17):
It's your time to flip thechapter over in the book if
that's what you feel like youreally need, and that's what I
feel like I really, really likehella need, and that's what I
feel like I really really likehella need.
And so I made a commitment thatI was going to pursue my fears,
my dreams and my passions nomatter what, and one of those is
this podcast.
So I decided that I'm going todo this no matter what, even if
(25:39):
I never get monetized on YouTube, even if this doesn't get
monetized, even if I quoteunquote fail, I'm willing to
fail in pursuit of my dream, indoing something I love.
I think there is a societal normthat we have to have everything
all figured out by a certainage.
You know, whatever it is.
Some people I've heard somepeople say it's like 2627.
(26:01):
And I'm looking at people in mylife who are 2627.
And they're like literal babies, like I don't even get it, but
like 3035.
Some people would say theywould or do or should have their
life figured out by 40.
But I think we all know a lotof us, including ourselves,
including me, who don't haveanything figured out by 48.
At least, what I don't.
I haven't figured out how to dothis again.
(26:23):
I haven't figured out how to dothis whole career thing again,
how to do this whole makingmoney and being financially
stable thing again.
Obviously, I've picked up a lot, a lot along the way and I
consider myself to be a personwho is learned in a lot of ways
from a lot of circumstances.
But having life all figured outis definitely a societal norm
(26:44):
that I don't think is helpfuland I don't think it's something
we should be like.
Let me get my whole life allfigured out.
No, let's figure out how toenjoy the journey.
But if we are willing toconfront our self-doubt and our
basic fear of change just asbasic as humans and if we can
take on the things that feeloverwhelming, we can really and
(27:06):
truly change our life.
I have tackled my fears head onin a lot of ways, not just with
career, not just with writingand publishing my book, which is
very vulnerable if you read it.
Not just starting this YouTubechannel, not just like sharing
the six part story of mynarcissistically and verbally
abusive ex, which was reallyhard to do, but I did it and
(27:31):
I've shared a lot vulnerably ina lot of other places as well.
And I think, when I look atthat, I'm like you know, not a
lot of people would be willingto share what I've shared.
I've heard that.
I've heard that several times.
You get the point.
I have I have done some things,lots of things that I'm afraid
of, and I just want you to knowthat every single time I sit
(27:51):
down to record one of these, Ifeel afraid.
What if it sucks?
What if it sucks bad?
What if it never picks up?
I definitely feel cringy alittle bit when I market these
episodes.
I mean, I feel cringe everysingle time I share it.
I I feel cringe, but I amtrying to do a few things so
that I ensure that my life movesforward.
(28:12):
Actually, not just a few things, I'm trying to do a lot of
things, but in particular, whenyou think about rebuilding, I
try to take very small steps anddo one step at a time and move
one foot forward.
Even on my manifestationjourney, I'm getting big and
more and more into learning howto manifest money and
experiences that I want to have,and I've realized even in that
(28:34):
if you break down what you'retrying to manifest into smaller,
more achievable goals, it'seasier.
Me deciding to go back to school.
It was a big one of merealizing like there's a big
world out there, girl, there's alot you can do, like go do it.
So I don't think it's thegreatest.
You know that I had to takeschool loans out to go back to
(28:54):
school, but at the same time Iam trying to manifest that I'll
be able to pay off them schoolloans, point blank and period
boo.
Don't forget y'all, tocelebrate every little victory
along the way.
You deserve to celebrate everylittle victory along the way.
I hate sometimes that like welive in this culture that's like
if you don't get like the bigbig thing, then it's almost like
nothing is worth celebrating.
(29:15):
I try to give myself littletreats throughout the day when I
, you know, do what I say I'mgoing to do, and when I have
little victories, like I tellmyself, like okay, when you get
this or get this amount of moneyor do this or whatever, then
you'll get this and I get it formyself.
And usually it's in the form ofsome sort of like clothing or
accessory, cause I just loveclothes and makeup and accessory
(29:38):
and I love being a girl.
So those are my little treats.
They're they're usually notfood related, but life would be
easier if it would cause.
It would probably be cheaper,you know, to get, like you know,
a $5 piece of cake versus a $25serum.
I would highly suggest lookinginto the work of Dr Joe Dispenza
and what he talks about interms of neuroscience and
(30:03):
attracting greater situationsfor us, both financially and
career wise.
And I read his book Breakingthe Habit of being Yourself.
I will put it here and link itin the show notes and that
really, really really changed mymindset in a lot of ways.
I read that like, I think, ayear and a half ago or so.
Actually, no, that's a lie, Iread it longer.
I read it two years ago duringthe summer, because I remember I
(30:24):
was going on long walks andlistening to that book on
Audible because it was just sofreaking good.
But it was what got me likereally thinking bigger than just
this summer or next summer,like where do I want to be in
five years?
Where do I want to be in 10years?
What does my future self looklike?
I'm starting to envision more.
I've been doing vision boards.
I've been doing vision boardsfor a while, but getting more
specific, and now I do scriptingand just other manifestation
(30:48):
principles so that I cancontinue to look forward.
From this whole, I'm nowhere.
I have nothing to well.
Where could I be Even in twoyears?
Where could I be, could be insuch a different place?
I just want you to know, nomatter how old you are and I say
this truly from the bottom ofmy heart, like there's nothing
wrong with you.
(31:13):
I think what's wrong with mostof us, more than anything, is
that we live in a capitalisticsociety that demands that we
drain our body of its life,blood and soul in order to meet
the needs of capitalism.
That's not to say that weshouldn't take accountability
and responsibility for themistakes we've made in our life,
etc.
Etc.
I don't know why you are 48 andover and feel like a loser, but
I know why I have.
And one thing that I haveneeded to remember and remind
(31:37):
myself that is literally themost simplest things, but that
is that you are resilient, youare capable, your feelings are
valid, you are not alone.
You are not alone.
I will tell you that muchbecause the more, the more
yapping I've done about this,the more I've realized like I am
not alone in being an olderwoman who doesn't have these,
these markers, these stones thatpeople say I should have by now
(32:00):
.
I am not alone, so you aren'teither.
You can rebuild your life.
You can absolutely rebuild it.
You can absolutely rebuild it.
You can absolutely start over.
You can absolutely conquer somebad habits.
You can absolutely come backfrom bankruptcy.
You can come back from anything.
I believe truly, fully, fullybelieve that we can, with God's
(32:21):
help, manifest the life that wewant.
You are a blessing, your lifeis a blessing and your
children's life is a blessing.
You are supported and loved,and while it seemed like that
little list that I just rattledoff to you is like oh yeah, of
course, of course, grace.
Okay, I really challenge you toask yourself if you really
believe that, though, if youreally believe those things,
(32:42):
because people want to write itoff so hard, but mindset is so
important to life change, like,if there's one thing that I have
realized in these past fiveyears of trying to change my
life so significantly, I'vetried to change my life, every
area of my life.
I have worked so hard on ity'all.
If there's one thing I'velearned, it's that you have to
(33:03):
believe that you are capable andthat you are worthy, and that
you are worthy and that you areresilient and that you are not
alone and that you havecommunity and that you have
someone behind you and that youcan do it and that nothing can
stop you.
You have to believe that stuff.
It can't just be cute littleaffirmations posted on your wall
, you have to literally believeit, and sometimes, especially if
(33:23):
you're like me, you were a verytraumatized child that believed
a lot of lies.
As a result of that trauma, youhave to do quite a lot of mind
work, namely meditation andjournaling and other things, to
get that to stick in your head,like to get I was.
By the way, during these lastfive years, there was a point
where I was tempted to unalivemyself every month for a day or
(33:45):
two at a time, for 16 months ina row.
Nothing says I'm an unworthyhuman than wanting to unalive
yourself for 16 months in a row.
Now, granted, I was having somehuge issues with PMDD.
My PMDD is really, really badand I was experiencing
perimenopause, so all of thatwas heightened.
But I still believed at the endof the day, I'm not worthy of
(34:08):
being here, and so, even withall of the mindset work I was
doing, I was still reallystruggling to get some of these
basics.
So you might be tempted to writeme off and be like, oh, that's
no, that's not a really a reallygood piece of advice.
Yes, it is a good piece ofadvice because you don't believe
it right now, and I know youdon't.
Otherwise you wouldn't besaying that, because if you
believed it you knew how hard itwas to get there.
It is really hard, even forkids who haven't grown up
(34:31):
traumatized.
Even for people who don't havea lot of trauma in their
background, it can be reallyfucking hard to believe that you
are really, really worthy ofyour dreams and really worthy of
chasing the life that you want.
Because people who chase thelife that they want and get to
where they want, they know thatshit was not easy at all and
(34:53):
they know the kind oftransformation they had to been
through.
So that's how I know, if youfight me in your head, that you
really haven't done that workyet, because you would know how
hard it is to really get itthoroughly fully through your
head that you are a worthyindividual, that you are
completely lovable and capableand that you're enough and some
of those light bulbs aftermonths, after months and months
and months and months of yearseven of me working on it.
(35:17):
Some of those light bulbs havefinally started to go off, where
I just literally think ofmyself all the time as enough
and not too much, and lovableand capable and worthy and
beautiful and kind and smart andintelligent and wonderful even
and a real catch that no one hascaught, and right now I'm okay
with that but smart, intelligent, someone who's capable of
(35:39):
finishing this master's degreeand doing a great job at it and
having a wonderful career that Ilaunched, that I do myself,
where I work for myself on myterms and my hours, which is
exactly what I want as a mom whostill has an eight-year-old and
a 15-year-old and a 19-year-oldin college.
So all of that is easy for menow, like and and I'm chasing it
, I'm going after it and I'm nota loser, even though I'm still
(36:01):
in a okay y'all.
My battery died and it cut meoff and I'm gonna be honest with
y'all, I don't even know whatthe hell I was saying.
So I'm back.
I think I was just saying thatI know who the fuck I am right
now and, as a result of that, ithas both kept me going.
It has made me not want to quit, I think.
I think it has honestlyrelieved a lot of this unaliving
(36:22):
ideations that I had before.
It has really changed mydynamic with dating, with, with
men, with sex, just in general.
Like everything has elevated, Ithink, because of a greater
sense of knowing my worth.
Same thing with girlfriendships as well.
There's just been really no endto the amount of growth since I
changed my mindset on a lot ofthese things.
(36:44):
My whole point is, if you arehere and you have felt a similar
sense of like just lost in theworld, I really want to tell you
I relate, I really really do.
I really relate and I reallywholeheartedly believe that you
don't have to stay here.
I don't have anything to offeryou.
I don't have a coaching program, I'm not doing anything like
(37:04):
that.
But if you want to send me anemail I'm not always the
greatest at responding, but Iwill try to respond for sure and
you can email me at out heretrying to survive at gmailcom.
If you're not yet, pleasesubscribe.
But bigger than that, please dome the greatest favor in the
whole wide world and go to Appleand leave me a review on Apple.
Follow me on my socials.
(37:25):
I'm on Instagram at graceunderscore, sandra underscore,
and I'm on TikTok as out heretrying to survive.
I am starting a new newsletterwhich I am so excited about
because I'm going to get back towriting.
It's called not just survivingbut thriving, and it's going to
cover six topics.
I'll tell you a little bit moreabout it next week, when I have
it more fully developed andfleshed out, but for now, you
(37:48):
can go on my website,outheretryingsurvivecom, or any
of the links in these biosanywhere and sign up for my
newsletter and then, when Imigrate it to Substack and get
it started, you can be the firstto be there.
I will see y'all next week.
Again, sorry for the missedweek.
I was tired, sick, worn out,heartbroken Girl.
I had so much going on, but youcould be anywhere and you're
(38:09):
here with me today.
So thank you so much forjoining me.
You are a beautiful soul.
Remember again that you arestrong and resilient and
completely capable of creatingthe life that you deserve.
I believe in you Until nexttime, bye.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.