April 8, 2025 • 37 mins
Black women across America are drawing boundaries and prioritizing self-care as they "quiet quit" a country that has historically demanded their emotional labor while offering little in return. This revolutionary act of self-preservation represents a profound shift in how Black women approach their relationship with America.
• Recognizing the roots of the "strong Black woman" trope and its harmful impact
• Setting personal boundaries about which battles to fight and which to pass on
• Deciding in advance when to speak up against injustice without sacrificing personal wellbeing
• Creating space for healing by intentionally seeking out Black spaces and community
• Replacing activism burnout with meaningful self-care practices like meditation and journaling
• Challenging the expectation that Black women must be America's saviors and caretakers
• Prioritizing friendships with other Black women as a source of understanding and validation
• Setting small, realistic personal goals instead of carrying the burden of fixing society
We are not this country's mammy, point blank and period. Subscribe to my YouTube channel called "Out Here Trying to Survive" and follow me on all socials with the same name. Please leave a review on Apple Podcasts!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Are Black women quiet quitting America?
Are we quiet quitting America?
It kind of seems like it, y'all.
It kind of seems like it.
People have been talking aboutquiet quitting for a while, but
when it applies to America andall of the tomfoolery going on
right now, black women aretaking on a whole new meaning.
I saw a tweet from Jessie Wu theother day Wait, let me see if I
(00:20):
can find it real quick.
It was a well, not a tweet, Ishould say it was a.
It was a a thread girl.
Let me turn my volume down so Ican see if I can find it, but
while I look for it, shebasically said like I love
seeing all the images from theprotest and not seeing black
women there because black womenare taking a mofo seat.
And I was like, yeah, I'm, I'm,I'm quietly opting out in some
(00:44):
ways to, primarily for mysurvival and also because I
don't have the fight in me likeI used to.
So quiet quitting.
You know, you might be like, ohGod, a work topic.
I'm not talking about a worktopic.
I'm talking about a life topicfor black American women in
particular, about quiet quittingthis country because y'all, we
(01:06):
tired, we tired.
This is a little differentbecause this time I'm talking a
little bit more about boundaries, about burnout and really
prioritizing our wellness.
So you know, grab your tea,grab your wine, grab your coffee
, your latte, your cappuccino oryour dirt nasty green matchas
that y'all be drinking justdisgusting.
I wish I could like it.
I know it's healthy, I knowit's good for people with ADHD.
(01:28):
I can't like it y'all.
I keep trying, I keep trying itwith different flavors and I
just it's literally not my cupof tea and I can't force myself.
I have to have boundaries.
Just kidding, I totally usedthat word wrong.
Before we get started, let meintroduce myself and the podcast
.
My name is Grace Sandra.
I'm an author, an activist, anadvocate, a mom and a lover of
all things Black women.
(01:49):
This podcast is a hope-orientedstorytelling space.
A warm hug of solidarity fromme to you.
It is a celebration of ourresilience and our determination
to not only survive but tothrive.
Welcome to episode 21.
But to thrive, welcome toepisode 21.
(02:12):
First, let me tell you all astory.
One thing I love about socialmedia is that the more you get
deeper into Black women's spaces, you find that Black women are
giving away so much emotionallabor and saying, telling our
stories in so many differentways, whether it's like
literally in the actual, literalInstagram stories or if it's in
the feed on threads on Substack, or if you're not on Substack,
follow me on Substack at outhere thriving.
(02:34):
But I'm just finding, the moreI look into the journey that
black women are on we aresharing so much of our battles
and our journey and I'm findingthat it's a silent battle that
many Black women are fighting,but it's actually not as silent
as you think it would be andthat's the fight to reclaim our
time and reclaim our peace andreclaim our sanity.
(02:56):
I think we are so oftenexpected to be superheroes and
if you're not a Black woman,this might go over your head,
you might not understand thatdynamic because you, frankly,
just haven't lived it.
But it is an expectation thatwe will always help, that we
will always provide, that wewill always caretake, that we
will always place others infront of ourselves.
(03:18):
It's a unspoken, I don't know,like cultural norm that kind of
gets built into our psyche froma really young age and it's
really sad.
It's really sad, but I rememberthinking that, even though I
myself was raised in a whitefamily but I was raised in a
black neighborhood, so I wasgetting differing messages from,
like, the neighborhood and my,my godparents, who are black,
(03:39):
but my actual parents, my momwas white, my dad was black, but
he really wasn't teaching meanything.
But anyway, I think the overallmessage that we get is
something that is not just ohhey, you grow, you're grown, now
you should help.
It's something that isliterally embedded in us from
when we're younger.
It's in our programming.
The message a lot of times thatblack women get is that we are
(04:01):
expected to go above and beyond,without extra pay, without
proper compensation, sometimeswithout even a thank you or even
respect.
We often have to be, you know,better than everyone else to get
not even as far or make nearlyas much money.
So we're, you know, kind ofconditioned to overwork
ourselves, conditioned to breakthose boundaries, conditioned to
(04:22):
push past what's healthy.
And if you're there, you knowthat it can lead to a lot of
resentment, a lot of contempttowards the people around you,
your family, people you evenreally love and care about and
who really love and care aboutyou.
But they've pushed you too farand it can really take a serious
toll on our mental health andour physical health and, if
you're not aware of this, blackwomen have higher rates of every
(04:44):
we are impacted and have higherrates of everything negative
that could ever happen to awoman in her body.
We have higher rates of it, andpart of that is the stress that
we carry.
Part of that is the uniquepressures that we face.
Part of that is this damn tropethat won't go away of the
strong Black woman.
Part of that is having toconstantly justify our presence.
(05:04):
Part of that is because weourselves are not creating
boundaries that we should, and Iam guilty.
I always say on this podcast andeverywhere.
I always say I'm never going tojust sit up here and tell you
something that I haven't eitherstruggled with or worked really
hard at or tried to overcome.
I work really hard to try toovercome the messaging that I
(05:25):
got as a kid that still impactsmy life today, and this is one
of them.
So when I used to work forcollege students, I worked for a
campus ministry calledInterVarsity Christian
Fellowship and we used to do aton of things around race
teaching students about racism,teaching white students about
white privilege, teaching whitestudents about white shame,
(05:46):
teaching students just ingeneral how to come together and
reflect what the image of Godsorry, what the kingdom of God
is, which is something that isfilled with all people from
every land and every tongue andevery nation.
And I'm not going to talk aboutwhat I was teaching because I
have mixed feelings, real badabout what I did, but this is
(06:07):
the part that I want to focus onis that I was expected, often
as one of the only black staffon the team that I was on here
in West Michigan and, andsometimes at large and just
Michigan in general, with the,with the entire Michigan team, I
was often expected to be avoice for Black people and the
voice of Black people in certainrooms and certain crowds.
(06:28):
I was often expected to teachwhite students what they could
and couldn't say.
I was often expected to helpwhite students work through the
guilt and the shame that theyfelt once they finally learned a
little emoticum of history.
I was basically put on thechopping block for the training
of white college students, someof them who were eager to learn,
(06:51):
but some of them weren't, andthere was something that kind of
triggered a change for me.
It was we were doing a trainingwith University of Wisconsin
Whitewater students.
I feel like I brought up thesestudents and they keep coming up
because we were.
Michigan is close to Wisconsin,so sometimes we do trainings
with them and Wisconsin that's awhole other place than Michigan
(07:12):
in terms of like how they viewand see race.
I only ever dealt with thewhite students from Wisconsin,
so forgive me, if you're fromWisconsin or you went to
University of WisconsinWhitewater, all I knew was y'all
white students.
I didn't know about the blackstudents because they were
always coming to Michigan forour trainings.
So I feel like this is thesecond time I brought them up.
(07:33):
Somebody's going to be likewhat do you have against
University ofWisconsin-Whitewater?
Literally nothing.
But they did provide some realmemorable experiences.
But something that was lifechanging for me was one time we
were doing like a racialreconciliation training or
something and one of the whitestudents just came to me and
just said we're walking.
(07:53):
I remember we were like walkingon our way to like the lunch
building and she was like Grace,you know, when I'm singing
along to a song, am I allowed tosay the N word with a hard R?
And she said it.
She said the.
She literally said the N wordwith a hard R and I was like now
, what damn song do you knowsays the N word with a hard R?
Because like, yeah, we knowN-I-G-G-A's and a lot of songs
(08:15):
and raps etc.
But I don't think I've ever andcan't really place any song.
It almost was like she justwanted to say it and she just
wanted to get a reaction out ofme and it really hurt my
feelings.
I really didn't want to hear it.
I grew up hearing the n-wordfrom a lot of white people
Because y'all, I'm oh okay, Iwas born in 76, so I lived
(08:36):
through the 80s and white peoplewere the racist, was just
saying they was just saying it.
I mean, maybe, maybe the racehas been saying it all along,
but I heard it quite a lot fromwhite people and it was nobody
ever wants to hear it out of awhite person's mouth.
I just, I was younger than two.
It was very frustrating.
So anyway, but that was one ofthe last times I was like I
can't do it no more.
(08:57):
It's not just University ofWisconsin, whitewater students,
it's all y'all, motherfuckers.
Like it's all y'all.
I can't do it no more.
I don't want to work with whitestudents anymore.
I don't want to train whitestudents anymore.
I don't want to teach whitestudents to get through white
guilt and white shame.
I don't want to help them dealwith their white guilt and white
shame.
I don't want to teach themabout white privilege.
I just don't want to do itanymore.
(09:17):
It's too painful.
That was the first time I thinkI ever really expressed a
boundary, after maybe six orseven or eight years of training
, of working with white studentsand I wasn't only working with
white students doing thesetrainings Like a lot of times it
was like a room with everybody.
But if you're a black person inAmerica and you're trying to
help white people have a modicumof understanding about what's
(09:40):
happening in this country andhow it's impacting everybody,
you're going to deal with like alot of bullshit.
And so I just dealt with a lotof shit and I was done with it.
It was the first time that Iever kind of quiet quit Although
I guess maybe I had been quietquitting for a long time.
But it was finally me sayingy'all can't have my heart
anymore, y'all can't have thispart of me anymore at all.
(10:03):
I was feeling a very, very, verydeep exhaustion and you might
relate with that, I think, atthat time for me also.
I was feeling the weight bothprofessionally and personally.
I was actually married to awhite man at that time and while
he was already an ally, he wasa firm ally.
He didn't need no explaining,he had already gone through all
of this as a student, so thatactually wasn't an issue for us,
(10:25):
but it was waiting on me.
It was a weight on me, I shouldsay the weight of societal
expectations in general on Blackwomen.
But the fact that we wereworking together and that he was
white, we were trying to fightsystemic racism in some way
together, in some ways.
That's kind of a beautifulthing.
But more of the emotional laboris always going to fall on the
black person in a marriage whereyou're black and white and I'm
(10:48):
not trying to talk aboutinterracial marriage right now
because, honestly, my ex and Iwe had so many issues Like if we
had 15 issues, let's say thatled to our demise.
I wouldn't even actually listrace as one of them.
I wouldn't even.
Actually, we just had, so wejust were not compatible people.
Okay, race was something thatwas pretty neutral for us
(11:10):
actually, but when there wasemotional labor, that had to be
done, when there wasunderstanding that needed to be
done.
It was me that fell on me toexplain to him, to help him
figure it out.
I don't know how much thatactually played into the
frustration that I was feelingwhen I, kind of quiet, quit
training University of WisconsinWhitewater students.
I wish now that I had thequestions and the access and the
(11:34):
information that I do now, so Icould have said how is this
really impacting my mentalhealth and what can I do
differently?
Not that I would have keptdoing it, but what can I do
differently to address what'sgoing on in my life without
blowing up?
Because, like, what actuallyhappened is that I just blew up.
I did actually just literallyblow up, I imploded.
And I think for a lot of blackwomen there is like that turning
(11:55):
point event, like somethingwill happen and you'll be like,
oh my God, like I, I can't dothis anymore.
And I think that this electionis what's done it for a lot of
Black women Like we, we tried,we tried, we tried to get Kamala
elected.
We tried.
And I think this is a realturning point moment for us and
(12:16):
it's okay not to be okay.
I just want to say that, likeit's really okay not to be okay.
It's really okay to get to thatpoint where you're like, yeah,
I can't do this anymore.
This is really blown up and Idon't know if I can continue to
be a part of helping Americaheal, because it doesn't seem
like we're healing at all.
It just seems like we'regetting worse.
And now when I look back ateverything I did with those
(12:38):
University of WisconsinWhitewater students all those
kids now that was, like you know, between the year 2001 and 2009
or 10, you know all those kidsand sadness and heaviness and
stress that I felt, trying tohelp them to come home to
(13:07):
themselves that should havenever been my role.
Did it have an impact?
I don't know.
I literally don't know.
It makes me feel like, why didI do that?
Why did I sacrifice myself onthe altar of trying to help
white kids understand not to beracist?
I don't know.
(13:30):
But I think we need to move from, like, the problem to where we
are now, because where I'm atnow is so much different.
Like right now, I am about whatdo I need to do to live at
peace every day?
I'm about how can I still beeducated and share information
(13:50):
and live at peace?
How can I set my boundarieswithout guilt?
How can I keep myself frombeing afraid of repercussions?
By still living and being theperson who I want to be?
Because I'm still an advocateand an activist.
That's still who I am in mycore and I've known that since I
was a very young child, that,if nothing else, who I am at my
(14:12):
core is an advocate and anactivist.
So I don't feel good mepersonally about bowing out
fully.
Now other people and I've heardother black women say they are
bowing out fully, they don'twant to be a part of this shit,
no more.
And I say that is your journey,do you?
I want you to pursue peace,literally.
(14:35):
Please pursue peace, and I feellike it starts with
self-awareness, because you haveto know where you're at and
what you're OK with and whatyou're not going to end up
regretting later.
You know you don't want to 10years to go by and be like damn.
I wish I had been on the frontlines, I wish I had said more, I
wish I had done more.
And you also don't want 10years to go by and be like damn.
I wish I had just focused on mypiece.
(14:57):
I wish I had just focused on mydegree.
I wish I had just focused on mymarriage or my kid or whatever
you know also don't want that tohappen, and everything in
between.
So I do think thatself-awareness is really
important.
As we look at this battle, likeit's too big, like Shit is
falling all the way apart andI'm not even going to list
(15:18):
specifics because we all knowwhat they are I think that we
need to number one, have astrong sense of what our
non-negotiables are.
What are we willing and notwilling to do at this point?
What are we willing and notwilling to compromise on?
One of the things that Idecided is that I'm right now,
just for right now, not ever,but for right now I'm not
(15:39):
willing to go to protest.
I'm just not willing right now,not this is not not ever,
because I really believe in thepower protest, but right now I'm
not going and I'm not taking mydaughter, I'm not taking my
kids.
I have been to many protestsbefore.
I've taken my kids to manyprotests before, but right now
I'm not willing to risk me or mykids getting hurt for this
(16:03):
situation, and when I say rightnow, I mean I'm not even saying
through 2025.
You might see me at a protest inthe fall, okay, but I mean
literally right now.
I think maybe this summer iskind of where my heart is at I
haven't fully decided, butthat's a non-negotiable for me
in terms of being a black woman.
Help America, heal.
Help America, heal again.
(16:24):
So I am learning torespectfully know my limits and
I think that that's.
You know.
This is applicable to allmanner of thing, but especially
as we're looking at the factthat this country is like going
down so quickly and that fascismis taking over so quickly.
So, for example, another thingis um, I decided that if I were
(16:45):
ever out and an ICE agent triedto take someone, that I would.
I would try to intervene, likethat is a non-negotiable for me,
but your non-negotiable mightbe like, yeah, I'm not to do
that.
So I was actually going to.
I went to Miami in January wasthat January or February?
It was early February and Idecided that if something
(17:07):
happened on the plane, I wouldspeak up.
And something did happen on theplane.
I almost feel like I manifestedthat situation.
But, yeah, there was thisautistic girl and I only
mentioned that because shementioned it.
But I was sitting in a row, Iwas in the aisle seat and then
you know short little space,then the other aisle seat and
there was an Indian guy, likeSouth Asian.
(17:28):
He looked like he was fromIndia.
He did not.
He was not presenting as if hewas Indian American.
He looked like he was literallyfrom India and didn't even
speak the language I don't know.
He just looked like he was notfrom Miami.
Okay, anyway, and we wereboarding and as we were boarding
, the girl who was sitting nextto him stood up and she yelled
(17:51):
back at the all the way to theflight attendant who was at the
back of the plane and we were inlike row, you know 16 out of 40
or something.
So she back, is this flightfull?
She said it just like that, andhe was like what?
And she was like is this flightfull?
And he was like yes, why, whyare you yelling?
(18:12):
Because it was.
It was awkward as hell.
Everybody was looking like girl, what is you doing?
Like, because you know it'skind of quiet, like a quiet
murmur when the plane isboarding, and so it was just so
awkward, and so she was likethis fucking guy next to me
smells like curry.
He smells like curry, he'semanating curry, and we were
(18:32):
just like oh my God.
And he was just looking down,he wasn't looking up there.
That's why I was like wonderingif he even understood what she
was saying.
I don't know, because he didn'tlook up, he didn't look
embarrassed, he didn't lookangry, he just looked completely
neutral.
He was just looking down.
He wasn't on a device oranything.
And I was looking at him and Iwas feeling so bad and I was
like Grace, you already decidedthat you were going to step in
(18:54):
if something happened.
I thought maybe it would be anice agent situation, but I was
just like well, I, I said Iwould step in.
So it's like what's?
I was like what is the problem?
Why are you?
What's going on?
And I was trying to take itdown, because me, you know, we
were all in the same row and shewas just like I'm autistic and
I have sensory issues.
And he's just like he has thisfragrance of curry.
(19:17):
It's just so strong, oh my God.
And I was like okay, but youdon't have to keep going on and
on about it.
And so, like right, when I saidthat, the flight attendant from
the back was like just come backhere, just come back here.
And she was like yeah, I needto switch seats.
This is fucking ridiculous.
This guy is just emanatingcurry.
And I was like you don't haveto go on and on about it, okay.
(19:44):
So she got up and left, but she,while she was leaving, she was
like so she stepped over him andthen she was standing right
next to me in the aisle and shewas like I'm autistic.
Okay, I was just, and I didn'tsay anything more, but I was
great.
I was like girl, autism doesnot make you racist.
Boo, like it don't, it justdon't.
And I was like, okay, well,just go, just go then.
(20:04):
So she left and then, like,once the plane took off, I heard
the flight attendant say to himlike hey, I'm so sorry that
happened to you, I'm so sorry.
And I was like I'm sorry too,I'm really sorry.
It was just awful to see.
But anyway, it was a very smallexample of me deciding
beforehand that I was going toAddress any racism that happened
(20:28):
or anything that happened whileI was in miami.
It's crazy, because anothercrazy thing happened while I was
there, like just so manyfucking crazy things happened.
Yeah, while I was there, someonegot murdered in the hotel I was
at on the last night, rightbefore I was about to go to the
airport and like full on I mean,I don't know if there were ICE
agents, but like fully, whateverit is a full tactical team was
(20:53):
there and like with big giantrifles and dogs, there was like
50 of them.
They were storming the hallways.
I had to come out with my handsup.
They searched my room.
It was scary, y'all.
It was really scary.
There wasn't anything that Ilike needed to do to like try to
(21:13):
defend someone or anything likethat, but I don't know.
I feel like went to Miami justto get a little sun and
encountered the wild, wildfucking west while I was there.
It's just a lot going on.
It was a lot going on.
I was so happy to leave.
I have never been so happy toleave Miami in my life.
It was just not what I wasthinking it was going to be.
(21:34):
It didn't.
Miami did not give what I washoping it would give, y'all.
Anyway, I do think these kind ofthings are good to decide
beforehand, like decidebeforehand when and what are you
going to say no to If you'reout and about, depending on
where you live, and you see ICEagents trying to take someone.
I do think it's a good idea todecide are you going to do
(21:56):
something or not?
Don't wait till the moment,decide.
Is that something you'rewilling to do?
Are you, are you quiet?
Quit in America, and and trustme, I'm there is no judgment.
Either way, I feel like you'vegot to have self-awareness, boo,
and you do what you feel likeyou need to do, and I've already
decided I'm going to stand inbetween someone's life being
(22:18):
irrevocably changed by beingkidnapped by the orange demon,
orangutans, directives to havepeople forcibly removed from
this country.
It's just, it's overwhelming.
It's overwhelming.
I have also decided whether ornot I'm going to practice
assertiveness, in whichsituations I've already and
always will defend women who areout, especially if they are in
(22:42):
a situation where they arevulnerable with other men, and I
love that women nowadays aredeciding that beforehand.
And so, yeah, actually, evenjust the other day, just last
night, I went to a club and Iwas meeting a guy up there and
me and the girls were talkingand one of them was like oh, my
god, I'm meeting, I, I'm meetingsomeone too, for the first time
, and I was like do you happento have a mentor, piece of gum
(23:03):
and I was like I totally forgot.
And um, so she gave me one.
She was like, girl, you'relooking good.
And she was like, listen, we'regoing to be right over there If
you meet him and there's anyissues here for you too?
We had literally just met, we'dliterally just met and it was
just like.
I love that women are.
I love that we're having thiskind of camaraderie about safety
(23:26):
and protecting each other.
Lately it just feels like I'mseeing that everywhere.
That's another way that we canjust decide, and I have.
I decided that a long time ago.
I mean, I again, I think thisis something black women just do
ordinarily already.
But I do think it's importantfor us to know when and what
situations are we going toadvocate for.
Like, for example, if there wasa dog getting beaten, I'm not
(23:50):
going to advocate for the dog.
I'm just not going to putmyself in that situation.
Some people would, some peoplewould, and more power to you.
If that's your thing, do it.
But I've already decided that'snot my place.
I'm not putting myself in thatlevel of danger to protect a dog
, and I love dogs, I love catsand I wouldn't protect a cat
(24:12):
over a situation where I couldbe in danger by trying to
protect a cat from falling off aroof or burning in a building.
Like it's your time, boo, I'msorry but it's your time.
Um, it's not my time to to diea hero trying to save a cat.
Okay, it's just not.
I've decided my boundary, I'vedecided.
I also think we need to decidebeforehand.
(24:33):
I mean a lot of everything I'msuggesting about how to live in
this administration, deciding ifyou're quiet, quitting.
I do think we have to decide,like, what is going to be our
self-care, what are we going tofocus on?
And we have to do those things.
One thing that I'm doing thisyear y'all that I am so excited
about is I am being very, very,very intentional to get in Black
(24:56):
spaces.
Now I live in Kalamazoo,michigan.
It's not Atlanta, it's notDetroit, it's not Chicago, so
finding all black spaces ischallenging.
I could go to church.
I don't want to go to church.
Church is one of the placesthat there are all black spaces.
In Kalamazoo, there's one inparticular I used to go to, but
they are not affirming of theLGBTQIA community and I'm just
(25:20):
not going to be part of anychurch community that does not
affirm and celebrate my LGBTQIAfamily.
So I'm not going there, but Idid decide that that's one way
that I am going to heal myselfand be a part of the healing
journey of my family.
But, yeah, I did decide thatthat's something that's really
(25:40):
important to me is being sure,just being sure, that I'm in all
black spaces.
So, or majority black spaces.
So, like I joined a hip hopkettleball class, I'm going to
be part of a writing community.
If we had like, if there werecycling groups that were all
black or or even mostly black,or like runners groups, I would
do that, and I haven't nevercycled I used to be a runner but
(26:03):
I haven't run, uh, consistentlyfor a long time but I would
join those spaces.
But those spaces, especially inKalamazoo, are typically very,
very white.
Um, I went to a vision boarding, uh kind of like seminar slash
activity day that was all blackwomen and it was so healing, it
was so wonderful.
(26:23):
And it's so funny.
It's because when I was leavingI heard like this, I heard like
this drumming right.
I was like, oh, what's that?
Because it wasn't like a bigfactory building where there's a
lot of like cool, artsy, fartsystuff going on.
So I go over to the room and Ipeek in and I'm sorry, I'm
laughing.
It was all white people on likethe, the what do they call?
(26:46):
Like the djembe drums orwhatever they were doing like
African beats.
That's why it was funny,because I'm like Kalamazoo is so
freaking white, so freakingwhite.
I mean, obviously, some of theother all-black spaces are like
clubs and bars.
We do have a really nicecocktail lounge that is like
black owned, but it's just anexample.
(27:07):
I'm just trying to give examplesfor healing, for quiet,
quitting in a way that isactually it's not just because
this is what I'm trying tochallenge us to do.
I'm not trying to justchallenge us to quiet, quit
America and you know, watchNetflix, which no judgment if
you do but like, quiet, quitAmerica and don't feel like you
(27:28):
need to be part of America'shealing journey, but do
something that like fulfills youtoo.
While you're doing that, like,what are you replacing it with?
You know what I'm saying?
Like we before we were justtrying to do everything we could
Like I know a lot of Blackwomen, including myself, that
mobilized around Kamala.
I mean I did it to an extent andthen once she wasn't standing
(27:49):
up for GAZA enough, I was kindof like pulling back.
I still voted for her, but Iwasn't as excited because I do
think that the is horrific and Idon't support it, so I didn't
(28:10):
like that at the end.
But my whole point is is thatthere was a lot of rallying and
now the opposite of that ishappening.
So we're not rallying, we'renot pushing anymore.
So what are we doing?
And I just want to be sure thatI'm emphasizing replace it,
replace your rallying withsomething like specific
activities that bring you joy,like getting in black spaces,
(28:31):
like that's.
One of my priorities iscontinuously prioritizing the
black women in my life inparticular and getting in black
spaces.
And also, in addition to that,it's being sure that I am
continuing to pursue myfriendships with black women so
that I am having a place where Ifeel completely understood and
don't have to explain myself,and that's a really I just I
(28:54):
feel like that's a hard dynamicfor a lot of black women I know
personally.
Yeah, it's one of these weirdthings that I'm saddened about
black women, about how often somany of us feel so betrayed by
women that we don't pursue thosefriendships enough.
And it's just so sad to me andI get it at the same time, and I
(29:17):
feel like when we've been hurt,we do need to take breaks and
things like that.
But I think that our healing isgoing to come through these
relationships with black women.
So if you're a black womanwho's been hurt by other black
women and you kind of want tothrow your hands up and be like,
well, I'm not really a girl'sgirl or whatever, I just want to
encourage you to pursue somehealing on that.
(29:39):
Maybe go to therapy and keeplooking for black women
friendships in your life, please.
Yeah, I'm always going tosuggest two things.
There's two things y'all knowI'm always going to suggest.
I've brought it up a milliontimes on every platform but
number one is meditation.
Meditation has been one of themost healing things in my life.
It's helped me manage stress insuch a huge way.
(30:01):
It's played such a big part inhelping me to stay present in my
body, which has played such abig part in me learning to
manage my vulnerabilities, fromeverything from learning and
healing, from having a very highanxious attachment style to
learning how to cope with beingsomeone whose ADHD got much,
(30:25):
much worse in perimenopause, topracticing mindfulness, which
has helped me just in general,as a human to be a healthier
human.
Meditation is so beautiful andso life changing and there's so
many things about it I wouldlove to do.
Actually, I should do a wholeepisode on just meditation,
learning about it, practices,because it's just, it's a gift,
(30:47):
it's a gift and there are somany studies that show how
beautiful meditation is.
So if that's not part of yourquiet quitting, if you're, if
you're replacing going toprotest with just Netflix again
no judgment.
But might I suggest, if you'renot gonna go to protest or
whatever girl, then meditate.
And one of my favoritemeditation teachers or not, well
(31:09):
, not teachers, but someone whotalks a lot about meditation is
Dr Joe Dispenza and he has onhis website and I think I'm
going to buy it.
I've been kind of holding out,holding out, but he has a
walking meditation.
It's supposed to be like a walkto heal the earth meditation
and I will link it in the shownotes, but I heard him talking
about on a podcast.
It's basically like a walkingmeditation.
A lot of people do it once andthe prompts is basically like
(31:31):
trying to move our energytowards healing the earth and
all of its problems.
Not not the actual earth, Ithink.
Well, maybe it is actually Idon't know because I've never
heard it, but I think it's aboutthe people that occupy the
earth.
But it is a heal.
The people heal the earthmeditation, the people that
occupy the earth, but it is aheal.
The people heal the earthmeditation.
But I've done some of his othermeditations.
(31:53):
I have actually bought them andI do walk while I listen to
them and it is a very healing,restorative activity.
So if that's not one of the waysthat you replace your quiet,
quitting baby, what are youdoing with your life?
And then the other thing thatI'm always going to talk about
is journaling.
Journaling is such a great wayto get your thoughts out.
There's a lot of studies thatshow if you journal even for one
minute a day, it can impactyour mental health.
(32:15):
One minute, girl.
Everybody has one minute.
I use this app on my phonecalled Little Memory and I know
that written journaling istypically, they say, better for
you.
But I actually use this app andit just gives you like a little
box for every day and you justput in one or two things and I
usually actually use voice totext and I just voice to text
(32:36):
and journal what happened thatday what I want to remember
something that was significant,something I saw something, I
heard something.
I felt my anger towards someone.
Something I heard something.
I felt my anger towards someoneor I just sometimes it's just
like my love and appreciation,how much I love my kids, or
gratitude for my cat snugglingup to me when I took a nap and I
felt less alone.
(32:56):
I mean, like it covered my mind, pretty much cover everything.
I'm on now the 10th year.
They just sent me a messagethat said, like, congratulations
, you just finished like your10th year of using little memory
, and I was just like, oh mygosh, and I have.
Oh, let me see, I really,really want to see now because
I'm kind of proud of myself forthis y'all.
Okay, it shows you at the lastpage, okay, so, yeah, you, you
(33:19):
obviously can't see this, butthis is proof.
It says my memories.
I have 1,876 memories over thelast 10 years.
81 of them are photo memories,because you can just put in a
picture for the day.
25 of them are my favorites.
The longest streak I ever hadwas 86 days in a row.
My streak right now is only twodays.
My first memory was December 112014.
(33:41):
So that was actually 11 yearsago.
That's dope, okay.
Anyway, I love this app andit's.
I try to follow the science ofit one minute a day, but I
usually do journal in otherplaces and I also do scripting,
which is a manifestationtechnique.
But I'm always going to telly'all y'all better meditate and
y'all better journal.
If it's nothing else that youdo in the world, meditate and
(34:04):
journal.
Okay, please, and thank you.
And this last one is just aquestion I have for you what are
your small realistic goals forthe year?
I decided, you know, like Isaid, that I was going to quite
quit America a little bit, andI'm replacing that with just a
few goals.
One of them is to graduate thisyear, to get my degree.
Um, I, you know, I've alreadybeen in this journey for two and
(34:24):
a half years, so, so it's notlike I'm like, hey, I'm going to
get a master's degree and thenhave it by the end of this year,
but I'm on the journey already,so I'm hoping that that is the
beautiful conclusive ending.
So, yeah, what are the smallrealistic goals that you can set
for yourself?
To in some ways distract in thebest way, in the best way that
(34:45):
you can use the word, distractfrom what's going on and just
kind of tuning out in some waysthe idea that you are the savior
of America and that we aregoing to be able to heal it with
sheer effort alone of blackwomen.
Like I just don't want it forus.
It's really.
It's really a shift, a mindsetshift, even for me.
Like I know, I just don't evenwant that for us.
(35:07):
I don't want to say black womensaved America because we put
our lives and our bodies and ourfamilies and our children and
our marriages and everythingelse on the line to try to stop
this fascist regime.
Like I'm really ready for thisevil ass country that elected
that evil ass demon or orangeorangutan to stand up and take
(35:30):
responsibility for the decision,for the fact that they stole
land and stole people.
And we're in this positionbecause capitalism is still
prioritized and now oligarchy ishere and fascism is being
prioritized.
And I just want the 300 millionor however many white people
there are in America to be theone to take down the regime, and
(35:53):
black women don't have to do it.
It's a simple request.
It's a simple request.
I just want us to have thepeace and joy and fulfillment
that we deserve.
I just want us to have thesmall victories that we
meditated every day, that wewent on a healing, restorative,
meditative walk to heal theplanet, that we are surrounding
(36:13):
ourselves with our black women,friends who understand us and
understand our experiences, andwe can let our hair down and
take our wig off and not have toexplain ourselves to anyone,
that we are creating safe spacesand that we are honoring our
boundaries.
I want those things for us, Iwant those things for me and I'm
really willing to fight for itmore than I ever have, and maybe
(36:35):
it's a result of my big age andmy late 40s and I'm like I'm
just ready now.
I'm just really, really fuckingready to do something different
.
If you haven't't yet and readingis one of the things that you
are replacing quiet, quittingamerica with I do have a book
called grace, actually memoirsof love, faith loss and black
womanhood.
(36:55):
It is available on amazon.
You can get this hard copy likethis or you can get it in pdf
form and if you get that, pleaseleave me a review on on amazon.
I want to see you win.
I want to see us all win.
We deserve that.
We really do.
We, of all people deserve that.
I appreciate you being here onthis journey with me.
You could be anywhere, butyou're here with me and I thank
(37:15):
you so much.
If you enjoyed this podcast andyou're not subscribed to my
YouTube channel, pleasesubscribe to my YouTube channel,
called out here trying tosurvive.
You can follow me on all thesocials at the same name and
please leave me a review onapple podcasts.
We are going to get throughthis, but it's not by having a
savior complex.
So please be you, don't do toomuch, don't betray your
intuition and just know we arenot this country's mammy, point
(37:39):
blank and period.
I'll see y'all in the nextepisode.
Bye.
Are Black women quiet quitting America?
Are we quiet quitting America?
It kind of seems like it, y'all.
It kind of seems like it.
People have been talking aboutquiet quitting for a while, but
when it applies to America andall of the tomfoolery going on
right now, black women aretaking on a whole new meaning.
I saw a tweet from Jessie Wu theother day Wait, let me see if I
(00:20):
can find it real quick.
It was a well, not a tweet, Ishould say it was a.
It was a a thread girl.
Let me turn my volume down so Ican see if I can find it, but
while I look for it, shebasically said like I love
seeing all the images from theprotest and not seeing black
women there because black womenare taking a mofo seat.
And I was like, yeah, I'm, I'm,I'm quietly opting out in some
(00:44):
ways to, primarily for mysurvival and also because I
don't have the fight in me likeI used to.
So quiet quitting.
You know, you might be like, ohGod, a work topic.
I'm not talking about a worktopic.
I'm talking about a life topicfor black American women in
particular, about quiet quittingthis country because y'all, we
(01:06):
tired, we tired.
This is a little differentbecause this time I'm talking a
little bit more about boundaries, about burnout and really
prioritizing our wellness.
So you know, grab your tea,grab your wine, grab your coffee
, your latte, your cappuccino oryour dirt nasty green matchas
that y'all be drinking justdisgusting.
I wish I could like it.
I know it's healthy, I knowit's good for people with ADHD.
(01:28):
I can't like it y'all.
I keep trying, I keep trying itwith different flavors and I
just it's literally not my cupof tea and I can't force myself.
I have to have boundaries.
Just kidding, I totally usedthat word wrong.
Before we get started, let meintroduce myself and the podcast
.
My name is Grace Sandra.
I'm an author, an activist, anadvocate, a mom and a lover of
all things Black women.
(01:49):
This podcast is a hope-orientedstorytelling space.
A warm hug of solidarity fromme to you.
It is a celebration of ourresilience and our determination
to not only survive but tothrive.
Welcome to episode 21.
But to thrive, welcome toepisode 21.
(02:12):
First, let me tell you all astory.
One thing I love about socialmedia is that the more you get
deeper into Black women's spaces, you find that Black women are
giving away so much emotionallabor and saying, telling our
stories in so many differentways, whether it's like
literally in the actual, literalInstagram stories or if it's in
the feed on threads on Substack, or if you're not on Substack,
follow me on Substack at outhere thriving.
(02:34):
But I'm just finding, the moreI look into the journey that
black women are on we aresharing so much of our battles
and our journey and I'm findingthat it's a silent battle that
many Black women are fighting,but it's actually not as silent
as you think it would be andthat's the fight to reclaim our
time and reclaim our peace andreclaim our sanity.
(02:56):
I think we are so oftenexpected to be superheroes and
if you're not a Black woman,this might go over your head,
you might not understand thatdynamic because you, frankly,
just haven't lived it.
But it is an expectation thatwe will always help, that we
will always provide, that wewill always caretake, that we
will always place others infront of ourselves.
(03:18):
It's a unspoken, I don't know,like cultural norm that kind of
gets built into our psyche froma really young age and it's
really sad.
It's really sad, but I rememberthinking that, even though I
myself was raised in a whitefamily but I was raised in a
black neighborhood, so I wasgetting differing messages from,
like, the neighborhood and my,my godparents, who are black,
(03:39):
but my actual parents, my momwas white, my dad was black, but
he really wasn't teaching meanything.
But anyway, I think the overallmessage that we get is
something that is not just ohhey, you grow, you're grown, now
you should help.
It's something that isliterally embedded in us from
when we're younger.
It's in our programming.
The message a lot of times thatblack women get is that we are
(04:01):
expected to go above and beyond,without extra pay, without
proper compensation, sometimeswithout even a thank you or even
respect.
We often have to be, you know,better than everyone else to get
not even as far or make nearlyas much money.
So we're, you know, kind ofconditioned to overwork
ourselves, conditioned to breakthose boundaries, conditioned to
(04:22):
push past what's healthy.
And if you're there, you knowthat it can lead to a lot of
resentment, a lot of contempttowards the people around you,
your family, people you evenreally love and care about and
who really love and care aboutyou.
But they've pushed you too farand it can really take a serious
toll on our mental health andour physical health and, if
you're not aware of this, blackwomen have higher rates of every
(04:44):
we are impacted and have higherrates of everything negative
that could ever happen to awoman in her body.
We have higher rates of it, andpart of that is the stress that
we carry.
Part of that is the uniquepressures that we face.
Part of that is this damn tropethat won't go away of the
strong Black woman.
Part of that is having toconstantly justify our presence.
(05:04):
Part of that is because weourselves are not creating
boundaries that we should, and Iam guilty.
I always say on this podcast andeverywhere.
I always say I'm never going tojust sit up here and tell you
something that I haven't eitherstruggled with or worked really
hard at or tried to overcome.
I work really hard to try toovercome the messaging that I
(05:25):
got as a kid that still impactsmy life today, and this is one
of them.
So when I used to work forcollege students, I worked for a
campus ministry calledInterVarsity Christian
Fellowship and we used to do aton of things around race
teaching students about racism,teaching white students about
white privilege, teaching whitestudents about white shame,
(05:46):
teaching students just ingeneral how to come together and
reflect what the image of Godsorry, what the kingdom of God
is, which is something that isfilled with all people from
every land and every tongue andevery nation.
And I'm not going to talk aboutwhat I was teaching because I
have mixed feelings, real badabout what I did, but this is
(06:07):
the part that I want to focus onis that I was expected, often
as one of the only black staffon the team that I was on here
in West Michigan and, andsometimes at large and just
Michigan in general, with the,with the entire Michigan team, I
was often expected to be avoice for Black people and the
voice of Black people in certainrooms and certain crowds.
(06:28):
I was often expected to teachwhite students what they could
and couldn't say.
I was often expected to helpwhite students work through the
guilt and the shame that theyfelt once they finally learned a
little emoticum of history.
I was basically put on thechopping block for the training
of white college students, someof them who were eager to learn,
(06:51):
but some of them weren't, andthere was something that kind of
triggered a change for me.
It was we were doing a trainingwith University of Wisconsin
Whitewater students.
I feel like I brought up thesestudents and they keep coming up
because we were.
Michigan is close to Wisconsin,so sometimes we do trainings
with them and Wisconsin that's awhole other place than Michigan
(07:12):
in terms of like how they viewand see race.
I only ever dealt with thewhite students from Wisconsin,
so forgive me, if you're fromWisconsin or you went to
University of WisconsinWhitewater, all I knew was y'all
white students.
I didn't know about the blackstudents because they were
always coming to Michigan forour trainings.
So I feel like this is thesecond time I brought them up.
(07:33):
Somebody's going to be likewhat do you have against
University ofWisconsin-Whitewater?
Literally nothing.
But they did provide some realmemorable experiences.
But something that was lifechanging for me was one time we
were doing like a racialreconciliation training or
something and one of the whitestudents just came to me and
just said we're walking.
(07:53):
I remember we were like walkingon our way to like the lunch
building and she was like Grace,you know, when I'm singing
along to a song, am I allowed tosay the N word with a hard R?
And she said it.
She said the.
She literally said the N wordwith a hard R and I was like now
, what damn song do you knowsays the N word with a hard R?
Because like, yeah, we knowN-I-G-G-A's and a lot of songs
(08:15):
and raps etc.
But I don't think I've ever andcan't really place any song.
It almost was like she justwanted to say it and she just
wanted to get a reaction out ofme and it really hurt my
feelings.
I really didn't want to hear it.
I grew up hearing the n-wordfrom a lot of white people
Because y'all, I'm oh okay, Iwas born in 76, so I lived
(08:36):
through the 80s and white peoplewere the racist, was just
saying they was just saying it.
I mean, maybe, maybe the racehas been saying it all along,
but I heard it quite a lot fromwhite people and it was nobody
ever wants to hear it out of awhite person's mouth.
I just, I was younger than two.
It was very frustrating.
So anyway, but that was one ofthe last times I was like I
can't do it no more.
(08:57):
It's not just University ofWisconsin, whitewater students,
it's all y'all, motherfuckers.
Like it's all y'all.
I can't do it no more.
I don't want to work with whitestudents anymore.
I don't want to train whitestudents anymore.
I don't want to teach whitestudents to get through white
guilt and white shame.
I don't want to help them dealwith their white guilt and white
shame.
I don't want to teach themabout white privilege.
I just don't want to do itanymore.
(09:17):
It's too painful.
That was the first time I thinkI ever really expressed a
boundary, after maybe six orseven or eight years of training
, of working with white studentsand I wasn't only working with
white students doing thesetrainings Like a lot of times it
was like a room with everybody.
But if you're a black person inAmerica and you're trying to
help white people have a modicumof understanding about what's
(09:40):
happening in this country andhow it's impacting everybody,
you're going to deal with like alot of bullshit.
And so I just dealt with a lotof shit and I was done with it.
It was the first time that Iever kind of quiet quit Although
I guess maybe I had been quietquitting for a long time.
But it was finally me sayingy'all can't have my heart
anymore, y'all can't have thispart of me anymore at all.
(10:03):
I was feeling a very, very, verydeep exhaustion and you might
relate with that, I think, atthat time for me also.
I was feeling the weight bothprofessionally and personally.
I was actually married to awhite man at that time and while
he was already an ally, he wasa firm ally.
He didn't need no explaining,he had already gone through all
of this as a student, so thatactually wasn't an issue for us,
(10:25):
but it was waiting on me.
It was a weight on me, I shouldsay the weight of societal
expectations in general on Blackwomen.
But the fact that we wereworking together and that he was
white, we were trying to fightsystemic racism in some way
together, in some ways.
That's kind of a beautifulthing.
But more of the emotional laboris always going to fall on the
black person in a marriage whereyou're black and white and I'm
(10:48):
not trying to talk aboutinterracial marriage right now
because, honestly, my ex and Iwe had so many issues Like if we
had 15 issues, let's say thatled to our demise.
I wouldn't even actually listrace as one of them.
I wouldn't even.
Actually, we just had, so wejust were not compatible people.
Okay, race was something thatwas pretty neutral for us
(11:10):
actually, but when there wasemotional labor, that had to be
done, when there wasunderstanding that needed to be
done.
It was me that fell on me toexplain to him, to help him
figure it out.
I don't know how much thatactually played into the
frustration that I was feelingwhen I, kind of quiet, quit
training University of WisconsinWhitewater students.
I wish now that I had thequestions and the access and the
(11:34):
information that I do now, so Icould have said how is this
really impacting my mentalhealth and what can I do
differently?
Not that I would have keptdoing it, but what can I do
differently to address what'sgoing on in my life without
blowing up?
Because, like, what actuallyhappened is that I just blew up.
I did actually just literallyblow up, I imploded.
And I think for a lot of blackwomen there is like that turning
(11:55):
point event, like somethingwill happen and you'll be like,
oh my God, like I, I can't dothis anymore.
And I think that this electionis what's done it for a lot of
Black women Like we, we tried,we tried, we tried to get Kamala
elected.
We tried.
And I think this is a realturning point moment for us and
(12:16):
it's okay not to be okay.
I just want to say that, likeit's really okay not to be okay.
It's really okay to get to thatpoint where you're like, yeah,
I can't do this anymore.
This is really blown up and Idon't know if I can continue to
be a part of helping Americaheal, because it doesn't seem
like we're healing at all.
It just seems like we'regetting worse.
And now when I look back ateverything I did with those
(12:38):
University of WisconsinWhitewater students all those
kids now that was, like you know, between the year 2001 and 2009
or 10, you know all those kidsand sadness and heaviness and
stress that I felt, trying tohelp them to come home to
(13:07):
themselves that should havenever been my role.
Did it have an impact?
I don't know.
I literally don't know.
It makes me feel like, why didI do that?
Why did I sacrifice myself onthe altar of trying to help
white kids understand not to beracist?
I don't know.
(13:30):
But I think we need to move from, like, the problem to where we
are now, because where I'm atnow is so much different.
Like right now, I am about whatdo I need to do to live at
peace every day?
I'm about how can I still beeducated and share information
(13:50):
and live at peace?
How can I set my boundarieswithout guilt?
How can I keep myself frombeing afraid of repercussions?
By still living and being theperson who I want to be?
Because I'm still an advocateand an activist.
That's still who I am in mycore and I've known that since I
was a very young child, that,if nothing else, who I am at my
(14:12):
core is an advocate and anactivist.
So I don't feel good mepersonally about bowing out
fully.
Now other people and I've heardother black women say they are
bowing out fully, they don'twant to be a part of this shit,
no more.
And I say that is your journey,do you?
I want you to pursue peace,literally.
(14:35):
Please pursue peace, and I feellike it starts with
self-awareness, because you haveto know where you're at and
what you're OK with and whatyou're not going to end up
regretting later.
You know you don't want to 10years to go by and be like damn.
I wish I had been on the frontlines, I wish I had said more, I
wish I had done more.
And you also don't want 10years to go by and be like damn.
I wish I had just focused on mypiece.
(14:57):
I wish I had just focused on mydegree.
I wish I had just focused on mymarriage or my kid or whatever
you know also don't want that tohappen, and everything in
between.
So I do think thatself-awareness is really
important.
As we look at this battle, likeit's too big, like Shit is
falling all the way apart andI'm not even going to list
(15:18):
specifics because we all knowwhat they are I think that we
need to number one, have astrong sense of what our
non-negotiables are.
What are we willing and notwilling to do at this point?
What are we willing and notwilling to compromise on?
One of the things that Idecided is that I'm right now,
just for right now, not ever,but for right now I'm not
(15:39):
willing to go to protest.
I'm just not willing right now,not this is not not ever,
because I really believe in thepower protest, but right now I'm
not going and I'm not taking mydaughter, I'm not taking my
kids.
I have been to many protestsbefore.
I've taken my kids to manyprotests before, but right now
I'm not willing to risk me or mykids getting hurt for this
(16:03):
situation, and when I say rightnow, I mean I'm not even saying
through 2025.
You might see me at a protest inthe fall, okay, but I mean
literally right now.
I think maybe this summer iskind of where my heart is at I
haven't fully decided, butthat's a non-negotiable for me
in terms of being a black woman.
Help America, heal.
Help America, heal again.
(16:24):
So I am learning torespectfully know my limits and
I think that that's.
You know.
This is applicable to allmanner of thing, but especially
as we're looking at the factthat this country is like going
down so quickly and that fascismis taking over so quickly.
So, for example, another thingis um, I decided that if I were
(16:45):
ever out and an ICE agent triedto take someone, that I would.
I would try to intervene, likethat is a non-negotiable for me,
but your non-negotiable mightbe like, yeah, I'm not to do
that.
So I was actually going to.
I went to Miami in January wasthat January or February?
It was early February and Idecided that if something
(17:07):
happened on the plane, I wouldspeak up.
And something did happen on theplane.
I almost feel like I manifestedthat situation.
But, yeah, there was thisautistic girl and I only
mentioned that because shementioned it.
But I was sitting in a row, Iwas in the aisle seat and then
you know short little space,then the other aisle seat and
there was an Indian guy, likeSouth Asian.
(17:28):
He looked like he was fromIndia.
He did not.
He was not presenting as if hewas Indian American.
He looked like he was literallyfrom India and didn't even
speak the language I don't know.
He just looked like he was notfrom Miami.
Okay, anyway, and we wereboarding and as we were boarding
, the girl who was sitting nextto him stood up and she yelled
(17:51):
back at the all the way to theflight attendant who was at the
back of the plane and we were inlike row, you know 16 out of 40
or something.
So she back, is this flightfull?
She said it just like that, andhe was like what?
And she was like is this flightfull?
And he was like yes, why, whyare you yelling?
(18:12):
Because it was.
It was awkward as hell.
Everybody was looking like girl, what is you doing?
Like, because you know it'skind of quiet, like a quiet
murmur when the plane isboarding, and so it was just so
awkward, and so she was likethis fucking guy next to me
smells like curry.
He smells like curry, he'semanating curry, and we were
(18:32):
just like oh my God.
And he was just looking down,he wasn't looking up there.
That's why I was like wonderingif he even understood what she
was saying.
I don't know, because he didn'tlook up, he didn't look
embarrassed, he didn't lookangry, he just looked completely
neutral.
He was just looking down.
He wasn't on a device oranything.
And I was looking at him and Iwas feeling so bad and I was
like Grace, you already decidedthat you were going to step in
(18:54):
if something happened.
I thought maybe it would be anice agent situation, but I was
just like well, I, I said Iwould step in.
So it's like what's?
I was like what is the problem?
Why are you?
What's going on?
And I was trying to take itdown, because me, you know, we
were all in the same row and shewas just like I'm autistic and
I have sensory issues.
And he's just like he has thisfragrance of curry.
(19:17):
It's just so strong, oh my God.
And I was like okay, but youdon't have to keep going on and
on about it.
And so, like right, when I saidthat, the flight attendant from
the back was like just come backhere, just come back here.
And she was like yeah, I needto switch seats.
This is fucking ridiculous.
This guy is just emanatingcurry.
And I was like you don't haveto go on and on about it, okay.
(19:44):
So she got up and left, but she,while she was leaving, she was
like so she stepped over him andthen she was standing right
next to me in the aisle and shewas like I'm autistic.
Okay, I was just, and I didn'tsay anything more, but I was
great.
I was like girl, autism doesnot make you racist.
Boo, like it don't, it justdon't.
And I was like, okay, well,just go, just go then.
(20:04):
So she left and then, like,once the plane took off, I heard
the flight attendant say to himlike hey, I'm so sorry that
happened to you, I'm so sorry.
And I was like I'm sorry too,I'm really sorry.
It was just awful to see.
But anyway, it was a very smallexample of me deciding
beforehand that I was going toAddress any racism that happened
(20:28):
or anything that happened whileI was in miami.
It's crazy, because anothercrazy thing happened while I was
there, like just so manyfucking crazy things happened.
Yeah, while I was there, someonegot murdered in the hotel I was
at on the last night, rightbefore I was about to go to the
airport and like full on I mean,I don't know if there were ICE
agents, but like fully, whateverit is a full tactical team was
(20:53):
there and like with big giantrifles and dogs, there was like
50 of them.
They were storming the hallways.
I had to come out with my handsup.
They searched my room.
It was scary, y'all.
It was really scary.
There wasn't anything that Ilike needed to do to like try to
(21:13):
defend someone or anything likethat, but I don't know.
I feel like went to Miami justto get a little sun and
encountered the wild, wildfucking west while I was there.
It's just a lot going on.
It was a lot going on.
I was so happy to leave.
I have never been so happy toleave Miami in my life.
It was just not what I wasthinking it was going to be.
(21:34):
It didn't.
Miami did not give what I washoping it would give, y'all.
Anyway, I do think these kind ofthings are good to decide
beforehand, like decidebeforehand when and what are you
going to say no to If you'reout and about, depending on
where you live, and you see ICEagents trying to take someone.
I do think it's a good idea todecide are you going to do
(21:56):
something or not?
Don't wait till the moment,decide.
Is that something you'rewilling to do?
Are you, are you quiet?
Quit in America, and and trustme, I'm there is no judgment.
Either way, I feel like you'vegot to have self-awareness, boo,
and you do what you feel likeyou need to do, and I've already
decided I'm going to stand inbetween someone's life being
(22:18):
irrevocably changed by beingkidnapped by the orange demon,
orangutans, directives to havepeople forcibly removed from
this country.
It's just, it's overwhelming.
It's overwhelming.
I have also decided whether ornot I'm going to practice
assertiveness, in whichsituations I've already and
always will defend women who areout, especially if they are in
(22:42):
a situation where they arevulnerable with other men, and I
love that women nowadays aredeciding that beforehand.
And so, yeah, actually, evenjust the other day, just last
night, I went to a club and Iwas meeting a guy up there and
me and the girls were talkingand one of them was like oh, my
god, I'm meeting, I, I'm meetingsomeone too, for the first time
, and I was like do you happento have a mentor, piece of gum
(23:03):
and I was like I totally forgot.
And um, so she gave me one.
She was like, girl, you'relooking good.
And she was like, listen, we'regoing to be right over there If
you meet him and there's anyissues here for you too?
We had literally just met, we'dliterally just met and it was
just like.
I love that women are.
I love that we're having thiskind of camaraderie about safety
(23:26):
and protecting each other.
Lately it just feels like I'mseeing that everywhere.
That's another way that we canjust decide, and I have.
I decided that a long time ago.
I mean, I again, I think thisis something black women just do
ordinarily already.
But I do think it's importantfor us to know when and what
situations are we going toadvocate for.
Like, for example, if there wasa dog getting beaten, I'm not
(23:50):
going to advocate for the dog.
I'm just not going to putmyself in that situation.
Some people would, some peoplewould, and more power to you.
If that's your thing, do it.
But I've already decided that'snot my place.
I'm not putting myself in thatlevel of danger to protect a dog
, and I love dogs, I love catsand I wouldn't protect a cat
(24:12):
over a situation where I couldbe in danger by trying to
protect a cat from falling off aroof or burning in a building.
Like it's your time, boo, I'msorry but it's your time.
Um, it's not my time to to diea hero trying to save a cat.
Okay, it's just not.
I've decided my boundary, I'vedecided.
I also think we need to decidebeforehand.
(24:33):
I mean a lot of everything I'msuggesting about how to live in
this administration, deciding ifyou're quiet, quitting.
I do think we have to decide,like, what is going to be our
self-care, what are we going tofocus on?
And we have to do those things.
One thing that I'm doing thisyear y'all that I am so excited
about is I am being very, very,very intentional to get in Black
(24:56):
spaces.
Now I live in Kalamazoo,michigan.
It's not Atlanta, it's notDetroit, it's not Chicago, so
finding all black spaces ischallenging.
I could go to church.
I don't want to go to church.
Church is one of the placesthat there are all black spaces.
In Kalamazoo, there's one inparticular I used to go to, but
they are not affirming of theLGBTQIA community and I'm just
(25:20):
not going to be part of anychurch community that does not
affirm and celebrate my LGBTQIAfamily.
So I'm not going there, but Idid decide that that's one way
that I am going to heal myselfand be a part of the healing
journey of my family.
But, yeah, I did decide thatthat's something that's really
(25:40):
important to me is being sure,just being sure, that I'm in all
black spaces.
So, or majority black spaces.
So, like I joined a hip hopkettleball class, I'm going to
be part of a writing community.
If we had like, if there werecycling groups that were all
black or or even mostly black,or like runners groups, I would
do that, and I haven't nevercycled I used to be a runner but
(26:03):
I haven't run, uh, consistentlyfor a long time but I would
join those spaces.
But those spaces, especially inKalamazoo, are typically very,
very white.
Um, I went to a vision boarding, uh kind of like seminar slash
activity day that was all blackwomen and it was so healing, it
was so wonderful.
(26:23):
And it's so funny.
It's because when I was leavingI heard like this, I heard like
this drumming right.
I was like, oh, what's that?
Because it wasn't like a bigfactory building where there's a
lot of like cool, artsy, fartsystuff going on.
So I go over to the room and Ipeek in and I'm sorry, I'm
laughing.
It was all white people on likethe, the what do they call?
(26:46):
Like the djembe drums orwhatever they were doing like
African beats.
That's why it was funny,because I'm like Kalamazoo is so
freaking white, so freakingwhite.
I mean, obviously, some of theother all-black spaces are like
clubs and bars.
We do have a really nicecocktail lounge that is like
black owned, but it's just anexample.
(27:07):
I'm just trying to give examplesfor healing, for quiet,
quitting in a way that isactually it's not just because
this is what I'm trying tochallenge us to do.
I'm not trying to justchallenge us to quiet, quit
America and you know, watchNetflix, which no judgment if
you do but like, quiet, quitAmerica and don't feel like you
(27:28):
need to be part of America'shealing journey, but do
something that like fulfills youtoo.
While you're doing that, like,what are you replacing it with?
You know what I'm saying?
Like we before we were justtrying to do everything we could
Like I know a lot of Blackwomen, including myself, that
mobilized around Kamala.
I mean I did it to an extent andthen once she wasn't standing
(27:49):
up for GAZA enough, I was kindof like pulling back.
I still voted for her, but Iwasn't as excited because I do
think that the is horrific and Idon't support it, so I didn't
(28:10):
like that at the end.
But my whole point is is thatthere was a lot of rallying and
now the opposite of that ishappening.
So we're not rallying, we'renot pushing anymore.
So what are we doing?
And I just want to be sure thatI'm emphasizing replace it,
replace your rallying withsomething like specific
activities that bring you joy,like getting in black spaces,
(28:31):
like that's.
One of my priorities iscontinuously prioritizing the
black women in my life inparticular and getting in black
spaces.
And also, in addition to that,it's being sure that I am
continuing to pursue myfriendships with black women so
that I am having a place where Ifeel completely understood and
don't have to explain myself,and that's a really I just I
(28:54):
feel like that's a hard dynamicfor a lot of black women I know
personally.
Yeah, it's one of these weirdthings that I'm saddened about
black women, about how often somany of us feel so betrayed by
women that we don't pursue thosefriendships enough.
And it's just so sad to me andI get it at the same time, and I
(29:17):
feel like when we've been hurt,we do need to take breaks and
things like that.
But I think that our healing isgoing to come through these
relationships with black women.
So if you're a black womanwho's been hurt by other black
women and you kind of want tothrow your hands up and be like,
well, I'm not really a girl'sgirl or whatever, I just want to
encourage you to pursue somehealing on that.
(29:39):
Maybe go to therapy and keeplooking for black women
friendships in your life, please.
Yeah, I'm always going tosuggest two things.
There's two things y'all knowI'm always going to suggest.
I've brought it up a milliontimes on every platform but
number one is meditation.
Meditation has been one of themost healing things in my life.
It's helped me manage stress insuch a huge way.
(30:01):
It's played such a big part inhelping me to stay present in my
body, which has played such abig part in me learning to
manage my vulnerabilities, fromeverything from learning and
healing, from having a very highanxious attachment style to
learning how to cope with beingsomeone whose ADHD got much,
(30:25):
much worse in perimenopause, topracticing mindfulness, which
has helped me just in general,as a human to be a healthier
human.
Meditation is so beautiful andso life changing and there's so
many things about it I wouldlove to do.
Actually, I should do a wholeepisode on just meditation,
learning about it, practices,because it's just, it's a gift,
(30:47):
it's a gift and there are somany studies that show how
beautiful meditation is.
So if that's not part of yourquiet quitting, if you're, if
you're replacing going toprotest with just Netflix again
no judgment.
But might I suggest, if you'renot gonna go to protest or
whatever girl, then meditate.
And one of my favoritemeditation teachers or not, well
(31:09):
, not teachers, but someone whotalks a lot about meditation is
Dr Joe Dispenza and he has onhis website and I think I'm
going to buy it.
I've been kind of holding out,holding out, but he has a
walking meditation.
It's supposed to be like a walkto heal the earth meditation
and I will link it in the shownotes, but I heard him talking
about on a podcast.
It's basically like a walkingmeditation.
A lot of people do it once andthe prompts is basically like
(31:31):
trying to move our energytowards healing the earth and
all of its problems.
Not not the actual earth, Ithink.
Well, maybe it is actually Idon't know because I've never
heard it, but I think it's aboutthe people that occupy the
earth.
But it is a heal.
The people heal the earthmeditation, the people that
occupy the earth, but it is aheal.
The people heal the earthmeditation.
But I've done some of his othermeditations.
(31:53):
I have actually bought them andI do walk while I listen to
them and it is a very healing,restorative activity.
So if that's not one of the waysthat you replace your quiet,
quitting baby, what are youdoing with your life?
And then the other thing thatI'm always going to talk about
is journaling.
Journaling is such a great wayto get your thoughts out.
There's a lot of studies thatshow if you journal even for one
minute a day, it can impactyour mental health.
(32:15):
One minute, girl.
Everybody has one minute.
I use this app on my phonecalled Little Memory and I know
that written journaling istypically, they say, better for
you.
But I actually use this app andit just gives you like a little
box for every day and you justput in one or two things and I
usually actually use voice totext and I just voice to text
(32:36):
and journal what happened thatday what I want to remember
something that was significant,something I saw something, I
heard something.
I felt my anger towards someone.
Something I heard something.
I felt my anger towards someoneor I just sometimes it's just
like my love and appreciation,how much I love my kids, or
gratitude for my cat snugglingup to me when I took a nap and I
felt less alone.
(32:56):
I mean, like it covered my mind, pretty much cover everything.
I'm on now the 10th year.
They just sent me a messagethat said, like, congratulations
, you just finished like your10th year of using little memory
, and I was just like, oh mygosh, and I have.
Oh, let me see, I really,really want to see now because
I'm kind of proud of myself forthis y'all.
Okay, it shows you at the lastpage, okay, so, yeah, you, you
(33:19):
obviously can't see this, butthis is proof.
It says my memories.
I have 1,876 memories over thelast 10 years.
81 of them are photo memories,because you can just put in a
picture for the day.
25 of them are my favorites.
The longest streak I ever hadwas 86 days in a row.
My streak right now is only twodays.
My first memory was December 112014.
(33:41):
So that was actually 11 yearsago.
That's dope, okay.
Anyway, I love this app andit's.
I try to follow the science ofit one minute a day, but I
usually do journal in otherplaces and I also do scripting,
which is a manifestationtechnique.
But I'm always going to telly'all y'all better meditate and
y'all better journal.
If it's nothing else that youdo in the world, meditate and
(34:04):
journal.
Okay, please, and thank you.
And this last one is just aquestion I have for you what are
your small realistic goals forthe year?
I decided, you know, like Isaid, that I was going to quite
quit America a little bit, andI'm replacing that with just a
few goals.
One of them is to graduate thisyear, to get my degree.
Um, I, you know, I've alreadybeen in this journey for two and
(34:24):
a half years, so, so it's notlike I'm like, hey, I'm going to
get a master's degree and thenhave it by the end of this year,
but I'm on the journey already,so I'm hoping that that is the
beautiful conclusive ending.
So, yeah, what are the smallrealistic goals that you can set
for yourself?
To in some ways distract in thebest way, in the best way that
(34:45):
you can use the word, distractfrom what's going on and just
kind of tuning out in some waysthe idea that you are the savior
of America and that we aregoing to be able to heal it with
sheer effort alone of blackwomen.
Like I just don't want it forus.
It's really.
It's really a shift, a mindsetshift, even for me.
Like I know, I just don't evenwant that for us.
(35:07):
I don't want to say black womensaved America because we put
our lives and our bodies and ourfamilies and our children and
our marriages and everythingelse on the line to try to stop
this fascist regime.
Like I'm really ready for thisevil ass country that elected
that evil ass demon or orangeorangutan to stand up and take
(35:30):
responsibility for the decision,for the fact that they stole
land and stole people.
And we're in this positionbecause capitalism is still
prioritized and now oligarchy ishere and fascism is being
prioritized.
And I just want the 300 millionor however many white people
there are in America to be theone to take down the regime, and
(35:53):
black women don't have to do it.
It's a simple request.
It's a simple request.
I just want us to have thepeace and joy and fulfillment
that we deserve.
I just want us to have thesmall victories that we
meditated every day, that wewent on a healing, restorative,
meditative walk to heal theplanet, that we are surrounding
(36:13):
ourselves with our black women,friends who understand us and
understand our experiences, andwe can let our hair down and
take our wig off and not have toexplain ourselves to anyone,
that we are creating safe spacesand that we are honoring our
boundaries.
I want those things for us, Iwant those things for me and I'm
really willing to fight for itmore than I ever have, and maybe
(36:35):
it's a result of my big age andmy late 40s and I'm like I'm
just ready now.
I'm just really, really fuckingready to do something different
.
If you haven't't yet and readingis one of the things that you
are replacing quiet, quittingamerica with I do have a book
called grace, actually memoirsof love, faith loss and black
womanhood.
(36:55):
It is available on amazon.
You can get this hard copy likethis or you can get it in pdf
form and if you get that, pleaseleave me a review on on amazon.
I want to see you win.
I want to see us all win.
We deserve that.
We really do.
We, of all people deserve that.
I appreciate you being here onthis journey with me.
You could be anywhere, butyou're here with me and I thank
(37:15):
you so much.
If you enjoyed this podcast andyou're not subscribed to my
YouTube channel, pleasesubscribe to my YouTube channel,
called out here trying tosurvive.
You can follow me on all thesocials at the same name and
please leave me a review onapple podcasts.
We are going to get throughthis, but it's not by having a
savior complex.
So please be you, don't do toomuch, don't betray your
intuition and just know we arenot this country's mammy, point
(37:39):
blank and period.
I'll see y'all in the nextepisode.
Bye.
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