April 23, 2025 • 47 mins
That voice inside your head telling you something feels off? It might be your inner child trying to protect you from making painful mistakes. In this deeply personal episode, I share how a seemingly perfect romantic connection triggered a surprising healing journey that saved me from potential heartbreak.
After 20 years of marriage followed by dating in my 40s, I found myself experiencing an electric connection with a younger man. Despite our incredible chemistry, aligned worldviews, and mutual respect, my body kept sending intense anxiety signals whenever we weren't together. During one sleepless night beside him, my inner child spoke with startling clarity: "I feel like you're going to hurt me. I feel like you're going to abandon me."
What unfolded was an unexpectedly perfect example of how inner child healing work can protect us when we listen to those internal warnings. Though brief, this dating experience revealed how childhood abandonment wounds still influenced my adult relationships - and how acknowledging them allowed me to make choices aligned with my true needs rather than temporary desires.
The beauty in this story isn't just about avoiding heartbreak. It reveals how far I've come in my healing journey, having moved from someone who once told her inner child to "shut up" before making life-altering mistakes, to someone who can hear, honor, and protect that vulnerable part of myself. For Black women especially, this inner child work creates sacred space for self-compassion in a world that often denies us gentleness.
Whether you're dating, healing from past trauma, or simply trying to understand why certain situations trigger intense emotions, this episode offers practical journal prompts and visualization techniques to help you connect with your inner child. Because sometimes the wisest guide for your future is the part of you that still remembers what it felt like to be small and unprotected.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So she said to me I feel like you're going to hurt
me, I feel afraid that you'regoing to abandon me.
And I was like I'm not going tohurt you, I'm not going to
abandon you, I promise.
And then what did I do but turnaround and literally abandon
her.
Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.
(00:27):
That is a conversation I hadwith my little inner, gracie G,
and today we're going to talkabout inner child healing work
and why inner child healing workcan save you from certain
disaster and why you need tostart talking to your inner
child before you make more baddecisions.
I want to tell you guys a storyabout a very vivid, vibrant
conversation more than oneconversation I had with my inner
child very recently.
That came up in a recent datingsituation and it was one of the
(00:50):
best inner child healing workexamples that I've had in a long
time, where it actually wasreally healthy, honest,
vulnerable conversations with myinner child, really healthy,
honest, vulnerable conversationsin this dating situation and it
led to a good outcome, whichwas for for us, not to date, but
I feel like if I hadn't havebeen aware, more aware, if I
(01:10):
hadn't done inner child healingwork before, I feel like this
situation would have drug on forlonger and also would have been
more heartbreaking than itwasn't.
Actually wasn't heartbreaking,but it was.
It was.
It was hard on me and I'm goingto explain to you why, but I in
the best way, because you knowhow.
When you learn something, whenyou learn something, you know
life gives you lessons.
I feel like God gives uslessons and we should ultimately
(01:33):
, from every situation in ourlife learn something so that we
never have to go through itagain.
Now, I had created a inner childhealing podcast episode back in
last year sometime.
I will post it here and I'llput the link again below so you
should watch it.
I actually rewatched it inpreparation for this episode.
So I was like I don't want torepeat myself all over again, I
don't want to say what I saidbefore, but in rewatching it
(01:54):
this morning I was like, oh shit, like I really had learned a
lot about my inner child duringthat time and I have done before
inner child healing work stuffbefore and I kind of thought I
got it.
Like you know, you're like, oh,I got it, like I figured that
shit out.
And then life gave me anotherlesson and I realized I didn't
have it all figured out, butwhat happened was an example of
(02:17):
when it when it works out thebest way possible as a result of
the work you've done prior,which is why I want to share it
with y'all.
Let me introduce myself first,as a result of the work you've
done prior, which is why I wantto share it with y'all.
Let me introduce myself first.
My name is Grace Sandra.
I'm an activist, an advocate, awriter and a podcaster, and a
mom.
This podcast is a hope-orientedstorytelling space.
It is a warm hug of solidarityfrom me to you.
(02:37):
It's a celebration of ourresilience thus far and our
desire and our drive to not onlysurvive but to thrive.
Welcome to episode 23.
Welcome to episode 23.
But first let me tell you all astory.
So, yeah, I recently had thisdating situation, girl, that
like really woke something up inme.
Okay, it just it woke somethingup and it was such a beautiful
(03:00):
example.
I think dating can be kind ofstressful but also kind of
beautiful, and I'm one of thosepeople who I feel like I have
learned by immersion.
The real quick backstory forthose of you who don't know me
is I've been married for 20years.
I was married for 20 years ofmy adult life.
I was single and celibate allthrough college.
I got then engaged in collegeand then I got married when I
was 22 years old and so, andthen I was married for 22 years
(03:23):
of my adult life and I wasn'tever single and or dating out
here in the streets until likeless than five years ago.
So I just now at my big age of48, I'm 48 now but when I
started like dating again, I waslike 43 for the first time ever
just seeing what I like, seeingwhat I don't like, seeing what
feels good, what does it like,what was even my type?
(03:43):
I didn't even know what my typewas really till it was like in
my early 40s.
And so I've been out heretrying and while that's been
hard and I think other peoplewho watch me have been like
maybe you shouldn't date because, like this seems painful.
Yeah, it has been painful, butI feel like some of this has
been just lessons your girlneeded to learn, because I'm a
lover girl, so I've always kindof wanted to be in a partnership
(04:05):
.
At this point I feel very donewith marriage, with the piece of
paper.
I have three kids.
I'm.
I'm 48.
So I'm done having babies, butI have wanted to have like a
lifelong partnership.
So it's felt like it okay, it'sworth it for me to put some
energy and effort into this.
And I slowed down like the firsta couple years after I I got
divorced.
I was like out there, justdating.
(04:26):
I was going to, I was on a dateevery Wednesday, every
Wednesday night.
I was on a date, ok, usuallyfor like six or eight weeks
maybe with the same person, andthen you know that would fizzle
out and then I get back on theapp and just date.
It was fun.
But then last year I was likethis shit is traumatizing as
hell.
I don't want to do it anymore.
(04:50):
But recently the situation Iwant to tell y'all about is
about this guy I was friendswith for a couple years first,
which is super ideal situation.
We met on a gig job.
We had like an instantconnection, but I knew like this
guy's a lot younger than me, sojust don't even go there, don't
even think about it.
At the time time I was 45.
And it's really funny becausewhen we met he was like how old
are you?
Like 22?
I was like I'm 45.
But the fact that he thought Iwas 22,.
(05:11):
Like shout out, but anyway.
So we were talking, we talkedlike eight hours that day and it
was obvious we had like a justa really nice connection and
bond.
But again, I just didn't letmyself think that way.
At the end of the day, the guywho was like supervising us we
were supposed to be doing otherstuff when we were literally
just sitting talking to eachother like this far apart, and
the guy was like just y'all justtalk.
(05:32):
Obviously something ishappening, so y'all just talk.
I'll just finish up, which Ithought was funny, but anyway.
So when we went to leave, I kindof went, you know, to like hey,
it was really nice to meet you.
And he like pulled me in and wehugged and I felt something.
But I was like no, this guy'smuch younger than you.
Leave it alone.
So we're like let's stayfriends on Instagram, because we
were Instagram and TikTok, wewere both trying to grow our
(05:55):
TikToks and he had blown up onTikTok.
So we were like really justthese last couple of years we
stayed in touch on Instagram andTikTok.
We've wished each other MerryChristmas and happy birthdays,
and it hasn't even been on someflirty shit, it was just we're
just friends, we're internetfriends, right, never saw each
other, never invited each otherto see each other or anything
like that.
(06:15):
But then earlier this year Ikept seeing his stuff.
It kept coming up on my feedbecause he does like
inspirational self-help kind ofcontent and his stuff is really
good.
It's really really good.
Um, I don't want to share itbecause I don't want to share
him, but he's really good.
You might come across himanyway because he's blowing up
right now on TikTok and YouTubeand shit.
I just saw his stuff and I andI just was thinking like I want
(06:37):
to talk to him, I want to bearound him.
I just kept having this feelinglike I want to.
Yeah, you know how you you seesomebody and I know you know
we're friends and he lives close.
So I was just like I'm justgonna DM him here and there his
stuff would come up and I wouldjust DM him and it was on like
some real subtle flirty shit.
You know, sometimes you canlike jump into someone's DM and
you can kind of flirt a littlebit, but it's subtle enough that
(06:58):
they could take it as like oh,she's flirting, oh, she's just
being really friendly or she'sjust really awkward and she
doesn't know she's just beingreally friendly or she's just
really awkward and she doesn'tknow she's flirting, and they
can kind of gaslight themselveslike, oh, she's not flirting
with you, but like, really, Iwas flirty, but he was kind of
responding back with that samesubtle subtlety so I didn't know
if he was flirting back or not.
Anyway, long story short,enough of that happened.
So finally we got to the pointwhere we were talking about
(07:20):
cooking and he was like can youcook?
And I was like, yes, I can cook.
And then he was like well, youcan cook for me.
And I'm like, well, yes, I'llcook for you.
So we decided that he was goingto come over for dinner and I
kind of knew then like, hmm, thenight before he was supposed to
come over for dinner, he waslike hey, I'm going to this club
.
Do you want to meet me?
I'm meeting one of my homies.
(07:43):
So it just happened to be anight.
I didn't.
As we saw each other like hewas, I was like, oh, this is a
wrap.
It was just like the look hegave me.
He looked me up and down and hejust looked like damn.
And I looked at him like wow,and yeah, it was.
It was just like that instantbond feeling came back real
strong.
(08:05):
And so, you know, we went out,we got a couple drinks, we went
on to the dance floor and likewhile we were dancing we were
just smiling and like staring ateach other and I just was like
I really want to kiss him.
So I just started kissing himand it was great, it was really
good.
We just kissed, we we kiss onthe dance floor for like way too
long.
That was probably appropriate,but it was really crowded so it
wasn't awkward, but anyway.
So we sat down and talked andwe just started talking and he
(08:25):
asked me he said what are thetop three things that you would
describe yourself outside oflike your, your accolades or
what you've done in life?
And I just thought that wassuch a great question.
And I remember thinking likesee now that the kind of man I
want in the world is the kind ofman who would ask me that
question while we're both alittle tipsy in a loud club ask
(08:47):
me that question while we'reboth a little tipsy in a loud
club.
So I gave him my threeadjectives and then he told me
his and, um, just, I was alreadybased on just his social media
content.
I was already like impressed byhim and just based on knowing
him from before.
So I was like really feelingthe vibes.
Y'all the vibes were vibinglike have you ever met somebody?
And you're just like thesevibes are vibing so fucking hard
.
(09:08):
We went out to my car when theclub closed and I was still a
little tipsy.
I had two drinks.
Two drinks is all I need to getpunch drunk.
I was gone and I was like, hey,I can't drive right now, I just
need to sit here while I soberup.
And he's like, I'll stay withyou, I'm not gonna leave you.
So he was like let's just sithere and talk.
So we sat and talked and, um,it was just obvious that we were
both feeling really attractedto each other.
(09:29):
And it wasn't just sexual.
Like sometimes, you know, youknow how, you just know, when
you're with somebody, you'relike y'all just want to fuck the
shit out of each other.
But it wasn't just that.
I mean, I think that was partof it, I ain't gonna lie.
And then you got the alcohol.
We both were super tipsy, sothat was, that was part of it.
Okay, I'm being realistic withy'all.
But there was also another partthat I could tell that this is a
(09:49):
deeper thing.
We got going on also because wehave known each other for these
couple years.
So, like at some point he saidhe's like I feel like we were
probably married in a past lifeand I was.
And then I joked and said andthen because I thought he was
kind of joking at first, andthen I was like and we just find
each other in every lifetime hewas like no, I'm serious.
I was like we are both so drunk, like talking about how we were
(10:12):
married in a past life, likebro, but we were just having
like that kind of conversation,like we're obviously feeling it
was a very electric, a veryelectric kind of connection.
But here's the thing.
Here's the thing Sometimes, aswe all know, when you experience
an electric connection withsomebody where it feels so
(10:34):
intense, so quickly, like thatcan also be a sign of a red flag
.
But it has happened to me withmy ex-husband, my daughter's
father, who ended up being soabusive to me.
We had a super charged, superelectric, super strong, super
like intense connection soquickly.
The love bombing was huge and Ididn't know what love bombing
(10:56):
was back then.
Okay y'all, that was a whileago, that kind of language was
not at the forefront ofconversations, that was
pre-TikTok y'all.
I didn't know I was being lovebombed, but anyway, we ended up
getting married within eightmonths and got pregnant right
away with my daughter and thenthe abuse started and it was
like literally the most horrificthing I've ever experienced.
If you've ever been love bomband then discarded, the pain is
(11:18):
so intense, especially if onceyou're already married and
pregnant.
So I have experienced this andI had kind of done the work of
healing from that, thatrelationship, that marriage in
general, and and kind ofactually have a radar for a
super intense connection soquickly because I know that it
can be trauma, communicatinglike sometimes those intense
connections are trauma.
(11:38):
So I kind of had my like alertbells on for that.
But I also kind of felt like Idon't think it's that, I think
we're are just really aligned.
And I will say that's anotherthing that we talked about is we
have a lot of worldviewalignments and for me and I
think for him too there's somepeople it's really important for
us to align on worldview andsometimes people are like why do
(12:00):
I have to think this way.
Why don't I have to think likeyou and I'm like you don't have
to think like me?
I personally value worldviewalignment in romantic
partnerships.
I'm sorry, I just do Like ifyour worldview is too different
from mine, we are never going towork, never, ever, ever going
to work.
I have tried in the past withother men who it seems like
(12:23):
we're good enough guys, but likethe worldview shit.
As a sapiosexual I'm asapiosexual.
It's important to me.
Not only that worldviewalignment turns me on, it really
does.
Like I'm such a sapiosexual.
I need men to be smart.
I need them to be emotionallyintelligent.
I need them to be educated.
I need them to think deeply.
(12:43):
I need them to consider whothey are in the world and who I
am in the world and how we arein the world.
I need them to think abouthumanity.
I just I need alignment tothink similarly about how we
spend our day and how we spendour time.
It's kind of like someonesaying like I have to have a
fitness model because that's myworldview, like I just you know,
I got to have she, her body gotto be right and tight, and for
(13:05):
me it's kind of similar withyour brain.
Like your brain got to be rightand tight for me to want
anything from you.
Like the coochie is going tonot going to respond.
The brain, the heart, nothingis going to respond unless you
are a smart, intelligent, deeplythinking man.
So here's this smart,intelligent, deeply thinking man
.
So here's this smart,intelligent, deeply thinking man
(13:26):
with very, very similarworldviews.
Stuff that I'm excited abouttoo, like particularly
meditation, thoughts aboutpersonhood, a lot of shit.
And I'm thinking, I wasliterally thinking that night,
if this guy, if he were 45,remember'm 48, and he'd already
been married and he had somekids and he was just out here in
(13:48):
the world looking for hislifelong partner, I would marry
him tomorrow.
Like I was thinking, this isthe kind of alignment that I
want and need in a lifelongpartner.
This feeling, this connectedfeeling, is what I want in a
lifelong partner.
This feeling of feeling bonded,like this, the sexual
attraction, because, like y'all,he's so fucking beautiful, it's
(14:12):
fucking ridiculous, likesometimes, you know, you can get
clouded by that too.
So I had to kind of like putthat aside.
Like, just set that aside, justset that aside.
So I'm sitting there thinkingthat and knowing, but he's not
45 and he's never been marriedand he doesn't have kids and our
age difference is so far apartlike there's just no way.
(14:34):
And at some point we're likeit's like four in the morning,
I'm sobering up.
We're making out in the car andI started crying.
I started crying on hisshoulder and he's like why are
you crying?
I was like because this is sosad.
I was just like I really likeyou and I know we can never be
(14:55):
together.
It's so sad.
And he was like, yeah, I get it.
Like our, our lives are justtoo too far apart.
And it was just like, yeah, wewould be dumb to try to make
something work when we're in twodifferent life stages.
Because, yeah, age ain't nothingbut a number.
Throwing down ain't nothing buta thing.
Okay, yes, we know that, but atthe same time, age, while age
isn't important generationally,it does matter.
(15:16):
And like where you're at inyour life, like I'm a you know,
elder, millennial, young Gen Xand he's I looked at it today
he's actually Gen Z, liketoday's Gen Z.
Gen Z was born between 1997 and2012.
So in 2025, gen Z is between 13and 28 years old.
Millennials right now areapproximately 29 to 44 years old
(15:46):
.
Okay.
So let's say I'm a youngmillennial, because I kind of
relate more with being amillennial than I do.
Gen X I feel like I'm kind ofthe best of both worlds, frankly
, but this nigga is in Gen Z.
Okay, he was born between 1997and 2012.
Legal, by the way, but justwe're worlds apart in where we
are in life.
So we were like, well, let'sjust be friends.
(16:07):
Then Like let's just be friends, let's never take it there
sexually, let's just let's justbe friends.
And it was like, yeah, this isfor the best.
And it was kind of like OK,that's cool.
So the next night is the nightI'm supposed to cook for him for
dinner and I kind of had it inmy mind like let's just have a
great conversation and have anice night and that's all that's
(16:27):
going to happen.
Well, of course we have a nicedinner and I'm like, had I had
made the environment probably alittle bit too like romantic
issues, I can't.
It was like the very dimly lit.
There was candles all over theplace.
So we're sitting on the couchtalking after dinner and he told
me that he talked to his momabout what happened with us and
(16:48):
I was like you told your mom andhe was like, yeah, and I showed
her your Instagram andeverything.
And I told one of my homies andI was like, yeah, I told a few
people too, and we had toldpeople.
Because it was just like, whatdo you do when you feel so
bonded and so connected tosomeone so intensely?
But there's this block inbetween.
We were like, well, what if wejust what, if we just explored
(17:09):
this for like six months?
Like what could that hurt?
You know, it's not like we'reever going to be together long
term.
And you know he had alreadyexpressed that, yes, he wants to
get married eventually.
Yes, he wants to have his ownbaby.
So I was like, yeah, we don'thave to do any of that.
Like let's just, let's justhave fun.
Like what if we just kind of,you know, like clearly we enjoy
being around each other, likewhat could it hurt?
Now, I really think, inhindsight, that conversation we
(17:32):
could have been more clear,because I think there was some
confusion which we debriefedlater.
There was some confusion I'lljust say that on what was
actually being said, but thegeneral consensus was let's see
where this can go, okay, for sixmonths, in six months, and then
let's check in.
We had a good ass time, so I'lljust leave it at that.
(17:53):
The next day, there wassomething that happened.
I don't even know what it was,I don't even remember now.
Yeah, I don't remember butsomething happened the next day
and I felt like a little bit ofanxiety.
I was just like that'sinteresting.
And then, like the next dayafter that, the anxiety was
growing and growing and growing,and it was kind of like one of
those moments where I was likeGrace, what the fuck are you
(18:15):
doing?
Growing.
And it was kind of like one ofthose moments where I was like
Grace, what the fuck are youdoing?
You know, because here's thething.
Here's the thing I'm 48 yearsold.
I look younger than I am.
I look way younger than I am.
People usually think I'm like 35or younger and I get hit on by
a lot of younger men.
I don't get hit on by a lot ofolder men, but I'm also not
attracted to men who are 50 andover, which is, you know, I'm 48
(18:35):
.
So men who are 50 and older,only two years older than me,
and I just I'm having a hardtime generating physical and or
sexual attraction for them,because not only do they
resemble my father figure at thetime, who was abusive to me so
there's trauma but they also are, have like a boomer mentality
and they're just really toxic,like really toxic.
(18:58):
Men who are 50 and over areusually single because their
wives left them, because they'remiserable, horrible and or
abusive.
Terrible men Usually men whoare 50, if they're a really good
man, they're married andthey're married for a reason
because they're good to theirwife and she loves them and she
wants him around for a reason,because they're good to their
wife and she loves him and shewants him around.
Ok, but I'm not trying to throwout all the 50 year old men and
(19:19):
older, but it's really just notmy crowd.
So I've been out here cougaringand shit, because young men,
younger men, I'll say men whoare like 26 to 40, are the men
who are like really checking forme but also really being just
much more respectful andunderstanding.
You know, there's definitelylike the red pill of this
generation, like yeah, but it'sthe red pill.
I feel like in the 26 to 40range, those red pill men,
(19:42):
there's far less of them thanthere are like just normal
everyday guys, but men in the 26to 40 range.
They still want to have kids,they still want to get married.
A lot of them, a lot of them.
But those are the men who arechecking for me.
So I've been in this situationbefore where a younger man in
his late 20s has really tried totalk to me and be like, yeah, I
(20:03):
like you, I like hanging outwith you, I think you're
beautiful, we're having a greattime.
But like, yeah, I still want toget married and shit.
And it's just like I have in mymind thought, well, I don't
want to get married, so I'm coolif we just hang out and have
fun.
Like I'm cool with that, aslong as it doesn't get serious.
Because I never want to, I'mnever going to take that leap.
I've done it twice, I've beenburned twice, I've not been
impressed with myself at times.
(20:24):
I just don't want to do itanymore.
So I've been in this situationbefore.
So I kind of thought like, yeah, me and him can hang out for
six months, why not?
Like, let's just hang out forsix months, maybe longer, like
let's just see.
Because we had talked aboutlike we're gonna go to Miami,
we're gonna have the best time.
So we was already making plansto travel together and shit.
(20:47):
But I felt the anxiety and I'msomeone, even though I've been
in this situation before, I andI have anxious attachment issues
.
I try to see anxious attachmentshit is like my wake up call.
It's like my body saying like,hey, I'm alerting you to
something.
It's kind of like the yellowlight, like if my body starts
going crazy.
But the thing is usually when Ifeel anxious around a man.
It's when I'm around a man, butwith him I would feel
(21:09):
completely, my body would feelcompletely at peace when we were
actually together, like in eachother's physical presence.
But as soon as we were apart,the anxiety would go through the
fucking roof.
And this was not like a smallamount of anxiety.
If this was not like a normalamount of anxiety, this was like
insane anxiety.
Let me also say real quick, letme pause to say your girl is in
(21:33):
perimenopause.
I'm on HRT.
I just started HRT like a monthand a half ago and people say
it takes eight weeks for yourbody to get used to HRT, which,
if you're not familiar, ishormone replacement therapy for
perimenopausal women like myself.
When your estrogen is likespiking and depleting every
month, it's supposed to even youout.
So you're always getting likethe same amount of estrogen and
progesterone every month andyou're not freaking the fuck out
(21:55):
.
But sometimes it can take yourbody a little while to acclimate
and I feel like I've beencrying so much more.
I told my best friend this andshe was like you're crying more,
like bitch, you already cry allthe fucking time.
And I was like I know it'sinsane.
I I'm crying more, if you canbelieve it.
I'm crying more the depressionis depressing, more the anxiety
is anxiety more like everythingis heightened, everything like
(22:20):
the sex is sexing more in thebest way, so everything is
heightened.
I was trying to keep that inmind but I still was like this
is this is fucking, this iscrazy, so anyway.
So I invited him to spend thenight.
Like three or four days laterhe comes over.
We have a great night.
It's like 3, 30, almost four inthe morning and we're like,
(22:43):
okay, we gotta go to sleep, wejust gotta sleep, and neither of
us could fall asleep and we'relike just flip.
I can hear him flip-flopping,trying to get comfortable.
I'm flip-flopping and he sayssomething like I'm just having a
really hard time sleeping.
I haven't slept next to anyonefor a really long time and I was
like, yeah, I haven't either.
But I knew I kind of said thatas an excuse, but I knew that
wasn't why I couldn't sleep likemy anxiety was through the
(23:04):
fucking roof.
I just my whole body was sodiscombobulated and it really
wasn't usually like that withhim.
So I just rolled over and wewere our faces are like this
close, you know and I was likejust feel like you're gonna hurt
me.
I just remember this momentbecause the way his arm was like
around my neck, so my neck waslike resting on his arm and he
was looking at me like rightthere, and I just remember we
(23:25):
were like staring each other'seyeballs and he was like Grace,
I'm not gonna hurt you.
And it was really weird becauseI believed him.
I believed him, which some ofy'all might be thinking you put
your trust in a nigga Sillybitch.
How you figure?
Like that's what usually we sayto girls when you're like you,
you, you, what.
(23:46):
You believed him.
But no, I did believe him and Icould tell in that moment I
believed him and I literallythought this man is the most
mature man I have met in years,years and he's so much younger,
like a man in his 20s, is moremature than the last guy that I
talked to somewhat seriously,who was 44.
(24:07):
And it's been very obviousthroughout how emotionally
mature he was.
So I actually did believe him,and you know just, I'll skip to
the end of the story.
He didn't end up hurting me.
He did do something stupid, buthe didn't end up hurting me.
So he did keep that promise,but it didn't call me.
I was like, okay, I'll neverhurt you either.
And then, you know, we went tosleep, finally fell asleep.
(24:28):
It took me a long ass time, andso the reason why that was
funny too is because we both hadon like matching pink bonnets
because he's got locks.
So imagine two people with ourbig ass, matching pink bonnets
on, staring at each other.
Are you going to hurt me?
No, I'm never going to hurt you.
So I heard my inner child saywhat are you doing?
(24:50):
I feel like you're going tohurt me.
I feel like you're going toabandon me.
I feel like you're gettingcaught up in this situation and
you're not thinking about me atall.
It was so vivid Because againlike this is like we're in the
dead of night, it's four,whatever, 430 in the morning and
it was just almost like it wasaudible, but it wasn't audible.
But I was and I started crying,but I hid it from him because I
(25:11):
didn't want him to hear mecrying, like this bitch cries
all the time.
So I didn't say anything, but Iwas just like in my head I
didn't say this out loud, but Iwas like I'm not gonna hurt you,
I promise I won't hurt you.
I'm, I'm going to, you know,handle the situation.
And I feel like she was likebut why are you with him?
Like you cannot do anythingwith him moving forward?
(25:32):
And I was kind of like, yeah,I'm like you know, you know, you
kind of talk yourself and stuff.
I was like, yeah, but the thingis is like we're just gonna
have fun, we just really enjoyeach other, like we have such a
great bond.
And she was kind of like I kindof pictured the little version
of me like stomping her foot andbeing like I don't care, I
don't give a fuck about yourbond, I don't give a fuck about
how you feel about him.
I don't, I don't care if youtrust him.
(25:54):
I still feel like you're goingto abandon me.
And I just was like I know thatyou're scared of being
abandoned, because you wereabandoned by your dad and your
mom and your sisters and yourbrother and every adult in your
life, which is true.
My mom was schizophrenic,though she didn't abandon me on
purpose, but the fact that Inever had any secure attachments
(26:18):
is why I still now strugglewith anxious attachment when I
start caring for someone and Icould tell that I cared about
him already and it had only beenjust a few days and she was
just like I know you care abouthim and I'm afraid you're going
to care about him more than meand I'm like no, I would never.
Like I've already learned mylesson.
I would never put a man beforeyou.
I will never, ever, ever dothat again.
(26:39):
I see the harm it's caused.
I will never do that.
And she was just like I don'treally believe you.
It was really weird.
It was very interesting becauseI have done inner child healing
work before, like I said, andit's not like I've never had
these kind of conversationsbefore or really tried to soothe
my inner child or get in touchwith who my inner child is.
You know, the inner child is avery delicate, fragile part of
(27:02):
our psyche and I have had tolearn over the years like if you
go watch the other episode.
I have learned over the yearshow to treat her kindly because
there was a time where I wasreally mean to my inner child
and really essentially told herto shut the fuck up and then
proceeded to ruin my life.
So now I know that that innerchild represents wisdom, that
inner child, inner child work isdoing shadow work.
It's like what is beneath thesurface of your actions.
(27:26):
And I recognized while I waslaying there next to him how
terrified I was that thissituation would crash and burn,
just because of how intense itfelt already.
And I had told him the first,the first night, the night I
cooked him dinner, he ended upleaving at six in the morning.
We did not sleep and when Iwalked into the door and I gave
(27:48):
him a hug, goodbye, and I lookedhim in his eyeballs and I said
I will never betray myself foryou.
And, being an emotionallymature man who understands all
that he was like, of course Iwould never betray myself for
you.
And being an emotionally matureman who understands all that he
was like, of course I wouldnever want you to Like.
I'll never betray myself foryou either, like that's just not
who we are.
Yeah, of course, yes, I felt sohappy with that interaction.
(28:09):
But the truth is like I thinkthe reason why I felt like I had
to say that was because I couldalready tell that maybe I was
because I already knew I wasfeeling something.
I already knew I was kind ofsurrendering to my heart and I
already knew you're at risk.
You're at risk of feelingsomething.
If I thought I could just, youknow, have a fun time with him
(28:30):
and just go on dates with himand never feel anything, I don't
think I would have had anyanxiety.
But I knew deep down that itwas not going to be just a fun
time, that I was alreadystarting to feel feelings and I
already knew we couldn't goanywhere.
So I told my inner child, likeit's okay, like we're going to
be okay Over the next few days,as a result of my anxiousness, I
was doing more pursuing of likeconnection.
(28:54):
As a result of that, he was kindof like, well, wait, I thought
this was just like us, kind oflike having fun and exploring,
but not ever moving towardsanything serious, and so, like
it created this cog, all of this.
You know, all of this happenedsubtly, but it ended up where we
decided we were going to meetfor coffee a few days later.
So I thought about it and I wasjust like my, my anxiety is too
(29:16):
high, I can't do this.
Like I have to tell him I can'tdo this.
We got to go back to just beingfriends, like I'm just, I'm too
anxious, and I know that I likehim too much.
And we had agreed we were notgoing to let our feelings get
involved and that if we, if weever did, we would just let each
other know.
And so we get, we sit down forcoffee and basically he tells me
first.
I was gonna say something too,but I decided to just let him
(29:40):
have it.
So he tells me first.
And I was fine with it.
His reasons were a little bitdifferent than mine, but it was
pretty similar, pretty similar.
So we agreed, like let's justgo back to being friends, like
it's totally fine.
We were before like let's dothat again.
Then we had a great time justgetting coffee and looking at
books and talking about ourmutual interests.
It was great.
So we decided to just befriends and see each other a
(30:01):
couple more times and when wesaw each other a couple more
times, it was really really,really obvious to me that I
could not just transition backto being his friend.
I could not just transitionlike on a dime, because my
little fragile fucking feelingsgot involved.
Yeah, I won't go into all ofwhat happened, but there was a
little bit of jealousy, shit andjust yeah, not, we didn't have
(30:23):
the greatest night.
On one of the last nights wehung out and so I told him the
next day like hey, I need toscale all the way back.
I can't do this anymore, likenot even as friends.
We can't even hang out asfriends.
I just need all the space andtime because I feel like, even
though we were never in arelationship and even though it
didn't last very long, like Idid, in fact, betray myself,
(30:44):
even though this is a very shortamount of time.
Part of the reason why I wantto share this story too is
because of just how quickly thatwhole process went.
From beginning to end was likeless than two weeks and still
produce a cacophony of sadnessfor me.
Once I told him that, eventhough I said I need to scale
back, I don't want to hang outas friends anymore, like we
can't go to Miami together, likethat's just ridiculous, we're
(31:06):
just going to sleep together andit's just going to start this
whole process all over again.
But I felt so sad, right,because here's the thing because
I let myself surrender to thefantasy, albeit very briefly.
It kind of like acted as likekind of a drug, like being
around him was like spiked mydopamine so fucking high just
because I haven't been around aguy that I like, really
(31:28):
intensely liked and respectedand appreciated.
And not only that, he's like areally big, really big
personality.
He is like right now his careeris skyrocketing, he's he's
going to be up in the ethers,like he's going to have a
beautiful career.
He's just yeah, he's, he'sdoing, he's going to be a big,
big speaker like I.
(31:48):
Just I can see it.
He's going places and like kindof like me seeing that and like
kind of like us being on thesame track.
Like I just saw the power,coupleness of it all and I think
like the letdown after it wasover was so intense and just
like the, the fear of like thiswill this will continue to haunt
me unless something differenthappens, like this dynamic of
(32:10):
like the younger guy trying totalk to me and being super
interested in me and us beinggreat together, until it comes
down to that moment of truth oflike, well, I want to be married
.
You know and this is the thirdsituation that this has happened
in the third situation whereit's obvious like, hey, we have
a bond, we get along really well, we could do this, but you one
(32:32):
or both of us, will never getwhat we want.
You will want to be marriedeventually and I won't.
You will want to have babiesand I ain't getting pregnant.
I'm not Janet Jackson, nobody'strying to have a baby at 50.
And so I'm like this is thethird time this has happened.
And I sat down with myself Likethere was one day after I told
him that I just had to scaleback and I couldn't see him at
all, even as a friend.
(32:52):
I cried, couldn't see him atall, even as a friend.
I cried, I cried and cried andcried for like two days, maybe
two and a half days.
I was so sad.
It felt like such a big loss,like just it felt like a huge,
huge, huge loss, and I don'treally even still understand why
.
But I was talking to my innerchild and trying to tell her how
sorry I was, because, eventhough that was not my intention
(33:16):
, it was not my intention at allto self-abandon I did.
But I was also crying because Iwas trying to tell my inner
child, like how much Iappreciated her sending out such
a strong warning signal becauseshe really was looking out for
me.
She really was letting me knowlike you could do this and you
will have fun.
(33:36):
But this man is out here in hissingle fine ass at his physical
and sexual peak era, like he'snot trying to settle down with
you, boo, and you can lie to meand you can lie to yourself and
say like, oh yeah, I'll be fine,you won't be.
(33:57):
And so I had to apologize andalso thank her for letting me
know this delusional land, thisfantasy land that you're living
in right now, is only going tobe fun for like two, two rides
on a roller coaster and, baby,when you get off this roller
coaster, you're gonna be sick asfuck.
And really that's what happened.
I did literally cry for two orthree days and then I regretted
(34:21):
telling him that I didn't wantto see him as a friend anymore,
because I'm like, well, if Ihadn't told him that we could
still at least hang out.
But then I was like if you hangout, bitch, you know what's
gonna happen.
I felt like there was anotherlesson that I learned.
But I also can really look athow far I've come, because
here's the thing I think withwomen just in general, no matter
what age you are, I think it'ssometimes it's like kind of more
(34:43):
embarrassing because I'm likedamn it, I'm older, why am I
still going through this fuckingshit?
But I also realized there was atime in my life where I never
listened to my body.
I never listened.
I would just ignore my body.
My body could be doing all thesame shit it was doing with this
situation and I would just belike step aside, I've got a
carnival ride to get in.
I've got red flags to wave.
(35:04):
So I recognize that growth.
There was a time I yell, swore,told my inner child fuck you, I
don't love you, you're an uglybitch, and I'm not even
exaggerating.
There was a time I actuallyhated my inner child.
Came a long way with that,worked on it, worked on it,
worked on it.
Now I'm literally laying nextto a man in my bed, can't sleep
(35:26):
because I'm having a vivid,vibrant conversation with my
inner child and I can canappreciate the growth and I can
appreciate that, even thoughthis was the shortest little
tryst or whatever you want tocall it wasn't even a
situationship, I guess theshortest little dating situation
ever but it still led to mefeeling really intense feelings
of loss and and I, like I said,I don't even blame him, he
(35:48):
really did.
I don't really think he didanything wrong, but the thing is
I don't really think I didanything wrong either.
I think life is messy.
I also think that, as blackwomen, there are societal
pressures and expectations aboutdating, about aging.
I think black women routinelyfeel left out of certain aspects
of society and culture anddating is one of those that
(36:09):
every little thing can sometimesbring up abandonment wounds.
Doing inner child work isincredibly healing.
I think it's so beautiful to beable to look back at my
childhood and acknowledge thewounds that I was feeling and
how it still bothers me andaffects me today.
It led me to be reallyvulnerable and transparent with
him, which he later told me hereally appreciated.
(36:30):
Again, I know it's kind of hardto believe like grace, you're
talking about someone in your20s, but, um, you'll just have
to believe me that he was verymature for someone in his 20s.
But there was something that hesaid to me that I thought was
really interesting.
When we were talking aboutending it, he said um, he was
like you know, but right beforethis which is true, and I forgot
to tell you all this rightbefore we decided get together,
(36:52):
he had decided that he was doinglike 90 days of semen retention
, which basically is like notonly are you celibate, but you
also don't self pleasure and youhold in your semen.
As a man, I had never heard ofthat before, but apparently
there's all sorts of healthbenefits.
So he was doing 90 days and hesaid he was two months into it,
and when we met I was about 30days into.
(37:16):
What I was saying was a 90 daycelibacy journey and I wasn't
doing any sort of coochieretention because I was still
self-pleasuring but likecelibacy was the thing for me.
And so we both broke ourcommitments to ourselves and he
actually brought that up, likewhen he was ending it with me at
the coffee shop before I gotthe chance to say anything.
(37:37):
But anyway, he was like yeah, Irealized like something's off
for both of us to self, abandonthe commitment we had made to
ourself.
And I think that's anotherthing that my inner child was
also saying, like I thought youwere doing this whole 90 days
thing, like 90 days of celibacy,90 days of no emotional
commitment to a man or any sortof like pursuit of men, and I
(38:01):
was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, butyeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I wanted so much to be like, well, this is an anomaly.
Okay, bitch, this is an anomaly, so we're going to just go
ahead and push forward.
You have to realize that yourinner child is really holding
all of those memories from yourchildhood.
It's holding all of thoseemotions and it's holding all of
(38:21):
that and especially any traumathat happened to you before you
were able to be verbal.
That kind of ish is held inyour body.
If you ever read anything fromGabriel Matei, gabriel Matei
talks about this a lot.
He's a doctor who studieschildhood trauma and he was part
of the Holocaust and he'spowerful, powerful, but he talks
about, like, the trauma thathappens.
Your trauma is not whathappened to you, it's how your
(38:44):
brain remembered it, and so whenyou think about welcoming your
inner child, think aboutwelcoming her to share what
happened to her, how her brainremembers it, especially before
she had words.
Because if you're able to getthat stuff to the surface
without letting it overwhelm you, you can have an experience
like I had, where I feel like myinner child literally protected
(39:05):
me.
She protected me.
I mean what I went through.
I cried for three days, butimagine if me and him had been
hanging out for three months orsix months.
I'd have cried for three days.
But imagine if me and him hadbeen hanging out for three
months or six months.
I'd have cried for four months.
I know I would have bonded tohim intensely because we already
were on that track.
Actually, that's what he saidto me too when we were ending it
.
He was like you know where thisis going right?
Like if we keep going the waywe're going, we are going to
(39:26):
just submerge into each other'slives.
And it was like, yeah, I cansee that your inner child you
experience like if yourchildhood experiences involved
instability, fear, lack ofsafety, you know.
Or, like I did, like I had afather who was abusing me.
All of those things now canserve as alarm bells.
(39:47):
So this is not about dwellingin the past.
This is not about blaming yourcaregivers.
This is really about offeringcompassion and validation to a
part of ourselves that we mayhave shut down.
We may have felt very unheard,very unseen or unloved, and this
is a way to gently reparentyourself.
And I love like I want to sharethis story with you all because
I love.
I love that after I finally,after three days, after I
(40:09):
finally dried my tears and waslike, oh my god, I miss him,
which I did, I really, I really,actually still really miss him.
But what I found is like such agreat appreciation for myself,
for my healing journey, for myinner child.
I feel so grateful.
I feel like the lesson was sobig.
I feel like he was the perfectman to facilitate that lesson,
(40:32):
because he's been so mature andemotionally intelligent and
gentle and kind and soft andjust honestly wonderful.
The whole, throughout thiswhole thing, which has been kind
of I've cried with him likethree times, like who fucking
does that?
Like the fact that he was ableto hold space for my tears, for
me to be vulnerable with him,like I've been extremely
vulnerable with him and for himto be able to hold space for
(40:54):
that is really kind of eyeopening, but this has been so
beautiful.
It also shows me the growthI've had in the kind of partners
.
Every time I date someone, Ifeel like they've leveled up,
level up, level up, level up Imean seriously and so I feel
like I've gotten closer, like,okay, god, this was, this was
good, this was close, this wasreally close, but could you add,
(41:17):
like 20 years on him, he were20 years older, I would marry
him tomorrow.
But realizing I'm still gettingcloser to what I want and like
that kind of maturity, emotionalintelligence, etc.
Is what I want.
So this is the kind of thingthat I would encourage you to
journal if you're on a healing,inner child healing journey, or
(41:38):
you want to be on an inner childhealing journey.
You want to be protected frompartners.
You want to know what your bodyis saying.
You want to know what yourinner child is saying.
You want to have datingexperiences that go better,
which, all things considered, Ifeel like to walk away from
something and not say like thisman harmed me in a way that I
won't be regular or normal foryears, like that's kind of I've
(42:00):
had that in my past and I'm sothankful that those days are
behind me that I can't evenentertain anyone, who would
leave me in such a sad statethat I won't be normal for years
.
So here's a few journal promptsfor you moving forward.
One if you write yourself aletter from the perspective of
your younger self, what wouldshe want to say to you?
What would she say that sheneeds from you?
(42:23):
Ask yourself some questionslike what did I long for as a
child?
What did I really really want?
What were my biggest fears?
What made me feel really safe?
(42:43):
What made me feel really happy?
And don't censor yourself atall, just let it flow.
Another thing you can do isvisualization and guided imagery
.
So imagine yourself as a child.
Imagine where you slept,imagine what you look like, kind
of picture her little body.
Think about where you are, whatemotions you might be feeling.
I wouldn't get too deep intolike severely traumatic moments
because you don't want totrigger something in yourself
(43:05):
without like a guided, trustedtherapist or psychotherapist
with you.
But in general then, imaginelike holding your inner child as
yourself, as your adult self.
Imagine comforting her, youknow, talk to her lovingly, like
I did in my bed when I washaving like a major freak out
about him.
So one thing I did in thatlittle three days that I was
(43:27):
crying so hard about this wholething is I left myself.
Wait, let me see.
Oh, I don't want to find around, but I left myself like I
believe it was like a 35 minutevoice note to my inner child and
that was what really got it allout.
I was sobbing y'all, I washeave crying.
35 minute voice note.
(43:48):
I think I left it in WhatsApp,actually Telling myself, telling
my little self, everything thatI was thinking, everything that
I was feeling, all the waysthat I thought you know the
things I was, yeah, justeverything, everything that she
might be thinking and feelingwhy this hurts, what hurt?
Because I understood, I couldunderstand and I told him this
(44:10):
too you are what facilitatedsomething that triggered
something in me like this is notabout you and really I can look
back and see this wasn't abouthim, this was about me and he
triggered something in me.
The presence of him triggeredsomething in me that deeply,
deeply needed to heal, deeply,deeply needed to heal and deeply
(44:31):
needs to adjust, deeply, deeplyneeded to heal and deeply needs
to adjust, really needs toadjust to kind of a different
reality as I'm getting older andas I'm thinking about lifelong
partnership and what I need andwhat I actually want and what
I'm willing to do and notwilling to do.
And I needed that and I neededthis situation with him to
trigger that kind of healing.
And I needed someone like himto treat me with the kindness
(44:52):
and love that he did tofacilitate that journey without
pain, so that it wasn't abouthim and all this harm he caused
me.
It was more about, like theharm I caused me to be real.
You know, another thing you cando is look at old pictures of
yourself.
For a while I had a picture ofmyself as my screensaver.
I mean, right now, this is mykids.
But for a while I had one.
And every time I would look atmy phone I would just be like,
(45:12):
hey, I love you, little Gracie,because I went by Gracie when I
was a little girl and finallyobviously set boundaries for
yourself.
And if I had kept my boundaryto myself from before, I
wouldn't be in this position.
If I had kept the boundary tomyself that I was going to go 90
days and be celibate and notdate, days and be celibate and
not date.
But I learned something reallybeautiful out of it.
(45:34):
If you do this inner childhealing work, you're going to
experience so much healing.
You're going to experience somuch peace, so much joy, so much
gratitude, a reduction inanxiety and fear or a greater
sense of safety and self trust,like even though you know the
story I shared with you.
I never felt unsafe, I justfelt pain and that's okay.
(45:55):
It's really okay.
I also feel like, since I'vebeen on this inner child healing
work journey, that I feel asense of lightness about myself.
I feel like I'm able to laughmore, I'm able to have self
compassion, just in general.
So anyway, I think for blackwomen, self love via the form of
inner child healing work can bevery particularly
transformative and it can reallyaddress systematic oppression
(46:18):
in a way that you don't knowtill you get on this journey.
So I really want to encourageyou to explore this with
Reckless Abandon.
Thank you so much for watching,if you like, the stories I'm
sharing.
I'm actually a writer and Iwrite about shit I'm going
through.
I actually wrote a book calledGrace Actually Memoirs of Love,
faith, loss and Black Womenhood.
It is available on Amazon in ahard copy or you can get it for
(46:38):
your Kindle.
Please subscribe to mynewsletter called Out here
Thriving.
It's on Substack and I have sixcategories that I'm going to be
writing about weekly.
It's going to be starting soonI haven't started it yet, but
it's going to be Soulful Sundays, mindful Moments probably on
Monday, because MMM BodyBeautiful talking about holistic
(46:59):
health and wellness for ourbody, particularly us aging
women, grown Women, wisdom, justpersonal experiences and life
lessons, kind of much like whatI just talked about.
Number five a creative corner,creative sparks, kind of like
journaling prompts, things likethat.
And then the final prompt iscommunity connections, just a
(47:19):
way for us to foster community,and sub stack has become a
really beautiful community forblack women.
So I highly recommend you doingthat.
Anyway, thank you so much forbeing here.
I realize it's a little bitlonger of an episode, but I
wanted to get all the detailsbecause I had to.
I had to give y'all the tea.
I had to give y'all the fulltea, okay, so thank you for
being here.
You could be anywhere, butyou're here and I appreciate you
so much.
Have a great day and I will seey'all in the next one.
(47:41):
Bye.
So she said to me I feel like you're going to hurt
me, I feel afraid that you'regoing to abandon me.
And I was like I'm not going tohurt you, I'm not going to
abandon you, I promise.
And then what did I do but turnaround and literally abandon
her.
Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.
(00:27):
That is a conversation I hadwith my little inner, gracie G,
and today we're going to talkabout inner child healing work
and why inner child healing workcan save you from certain
disaster and why you need tostart talking to your inner
child before you make more baddecisions.
I want to tell you guys a storyabout a very vivid, vibrant
conversation more than oneconversation I had with my inner
child very recently.
That came up in a recent datingsituation and it was one of the
(00:50):
best inner child healing workexamples that I've had in a long
time, where it actually wasreally healthy, honest,
vulnerable conversations with myinner child, really healthy,
honest, vulnerable conversationsin this dating situation and it
led to a good outcome, whichwas for for us, not to date, but
I feel like if I hadn't havebeen aware, more aware, if I
(01:10):
hadn't done inner child healingwork before, I feel like this
situation would have drug on forlonger and also would have been
more heartbreaking than itwasn't.
Actually wasn't heartbreaking,but it was.
It was.
It was hard on me and I'm goingto explain to you why, but I in
the best way, because you knowhow.
When you learn something, whenyou learn something, you know
life gives you lessons.
I feel like God gives uslessons and we should ultimately
(01:33):
, from every situation in ourlife learn something so that we
never have to go through itagain.
Now, I had created a inner childhealing podcast episode back in
last year sometime.
I will post it here and I'llput the link again below so you
should watch it.
I actually rewatched it inpreparation for this episode.
So I was like I don't want torepeat myself all over again, I
don't want to say what I saidbefore, but in rewatching it
(01:54):
this morning I was like, oh shit, like I really had learned a
lot about my inner child duringthat time and I have done before
inner child healing work stuffbefore and I kind of thought I
got it.
Like you know, you're like, oh,I got it, like I figured that
shit out.
And then life gave me anotherlesson and I realized I didn't
have it all figured out, butwhat happened was an example of
(02:17):
when it when it works out thebest way possible as a result of
the work you've done prior,which is why I want to share it
with y'all.
Let me introduce myself first,as a result of the work you've
done prior, which is why I wantto share it with y'all.
Let me introduce myself first.
My name is Grace Sandra.
I'm an activist, an advocate, awriter and a podcaster, and a
mom.
This podcast is a hope-orientedstorytelling space.
It is a warm hug of solidarityfrom me to you.
(02:37):
It's a celebration of ourresilience thus far and our
desire and our drive to not onlysurvive but to thrive.
Welcome to episode 23.
Welcome to episode 23.
But first let me tell you all astory.
So, yeah, I recently had thisdating situation, girl, that
like really woke something up inme.
Okay, it just it woke somethingup and it was such a beautiful
(03:00):
example.
I think dating can be kind ofstressful but also kind of
beautiful, and I'm one of thosepeople who I feel like I have
learned by immersion.
The real quick backstory forthose of you who don't know me
is I've been married for 20years.
I was married for 20 years ofmy adult life.
I was single and celibate allthrough college.
I got then engaged in collegeand then I got married when I
was 22 years old and so, andthen I was married for 22 years
(03:23):
of my adult life and I wasn'tever single and or dating out
here in the streets until likeless than five years ago.
So I just now at my big age of48, I'm 48 now but when I
started like dating again, I waslike 43 for the first time ever
just seeing what I like, seeingwhat I don't like, seeing what
feels good, what does it like,what was even my type?
(03:43):
I didn't even know what my typewas really till it was like in
my early 40s.
And so I've been out heretrying and while that's been
hard and I think other peoplewho watch me have been like
maybe you shouldn't date because, like this seems painful.
Yeah, it has been painful, butI feel like some of this has
been just lessons your girlneeded to learn, because I'm a
lover girl, so I've always kindof wanted to be in a partnership
(04:05):
.
At this point I feel very donewith marriage, with the piece of
paper.
I have three kids.
I'm.
I'm 48.
So I'm done having babies, butI have wanted to have like a
lifelong partnership.
So it's felt like it okay, it'sworth it for me to put some
energy and effort into this.
And I slowed down like the firsta couple years after I I got
divorced.
I was like out there, justdating.
(04:26):
I was going to, I was on a dateevery Wednesday, every
Wednesday night.
I was on a date, ok, usuallyfor like six or eight weeks
maybe with the same person, andthen you know that would fizzle
out and then I get back on theapp and just date.
It was fun.
But then last year I was likethis shit is traumatizing as
hell.
I don't want to do it anymore.
(04:50):
But recently the situation Iwant to tell y'all about is
about this guy I was friendswith for a couple years first,
which is super ideal situation.
We met on a gig job.
We had like an instantconnection, but I knew like this
guy's a lot younger than me, sojust don't even go there, don't
even think about it.
At the time time I was 45.
And it's really funny becausewhen we met he was like how old
are you?
Like 22?
I was like I'm 45.
But the fact that he thought Iwas 22,.
(05:11):
Like shout out, but anyway.
So we were talking, we talkedlike eight hours that day and it
was obvious we had like a justa really nice connection and
bond.
But again, I just didn't letmyself think that way.
At the end of the day, the guywho was like supervising us we
were supposed to be doing otherstuff when we were literally
just sitting talking to eachother like this far apart, and
the guy was like just y'all justtalk.
(05:32):
Obviously something ishappening, so y'all just talk.
I'll just finish up, which Ithought was funny, but anyway.
So when we went to leave, I kindof went, you know, to like hey,
it was really nice to meet you.
And he like pulled me in and wehugged and I felt something.
But I was like no, this guy'smuch younger than you.
Leave it alone.
So we're like let's stayfriends on Instagram, because we
were Instagram and TikTok, wewere both trying to grow our
(05:55):
TikToks and he had blown up onTikTok.
So we were like really justthese last couple of years we
stayed in touch on Instagram andTikTok.
We've wished each other MerryChristmas and happy birthdays,
and it hasn't even been on someflirty shit, it was just we're
just friends, we're internetfriends, right, never saw each
other, never invited each otherto see each other or anything
like that.
(06:15):
But then earlier this year Ikept seeing his stuff.
It kept coming up on my feedbecause he does like
inspirational self-help kind ofcontent and his stuff is really
good.
It's really really good.
Um, I don't want to share itbecause I don't want to share
him, but he's really good.
You might come across himanyway because he's blowing up
right now on TikTok and YouTubeand shit.
I just saw his stuff and I andI just was thinking like I want
(06:37):
to talk to him, I want to bearound him.
I just kept having this feelinglike I want to.
Yeah, you know how you you seesomebody and I know you know
we're friends and he lives close.
So I was just like I'm justgonna DM him here and there his
stuff would come up and I wouldjust DM him and it was on like
some real subtle flirty shit.
You know, sometimes you canlike jump into someone's DM and
you can kind of flirt a littlebit, but it's subtle enough that
(06:58):
they could take it as like oh,she's flirting, oh, she's just
being really friendly or she'sjust really awkward and she
doesn't know she's just beingreally friendly or she's just
really awkward and she doesn'tknow she's flirting, and they
can kind of gaslight themselveslike, oh, she's not flirting
with you, but like, really, Iwas flirty, but he was kind of
responding back with that samesubtle subtlety so I didn't know
if he was flirting back or not.
Anyway, long story short,enough of that happened.
So finally we got to the pointwhere we were talking about
(07:20):
cooking and he was like can youcook?
And I was like, yes, I can cook.
And then he was like well, youcan cook for me.
And I'm like, well, yes, I'llcook for you.
So we decided that he was goingto come over for dinner and I
kind of knew then like, hmm, thenight before he was supposed to
come over for dinner, he waslike hey, I'm going to this club
.
Do you want to meet me?
I'm meeting one of my homies.
(07:43):
So it just happened to be anight.
I didn't.
As we saw each other like hewas, I was like, oh, this is a
wrap.
It was just like the look hegave me.
He looked me up and down and hejust looked like damn.
And I looked at him like wow,and yeah, it was.
It was just like that instantbond feeling came back real
strong.
(08:05):
And so, you know, we went out,we got a couple drinks, we went
on to the dance floor and likewhile we were dancing we were
just smiling and like staring ateach other and I just was like
I really want to kiss him.
So I just started kissing himand it was great, it was really
good.
We just kissed, we we kiss onthe dance floor for like way too
long.
That was probably appropriate,but it was really crowded so it
wasn't awkward, but anyway.
So we sat down and talked andwe just started talking and he
(08:25):
asked me he said what are thetop three things that you would
describe yourself outside oflike your, your accolades or
what you've done in life?
And I just thought that wassuch a great question.
And I remember thinking likesee now that the kind of man I
want in the world is the kind ofman who would ask me that
question while we're both alittle tipsy in a loud club ask
(08:47):
me that question while we'reboth a little tipsy in a loud
club.
So I gave him my threeadjectives and then he told me
his and, um, just, I was alreadybased on just his social media
content.
I was already like impressed byhim and just based on knowing
him from before.
So I was like really feelingthe vibes.
Y'all the vibes were vibinglike have you ever met somebody?
And you're just like thesevibes are vibing so fucking hard
.
(09:08):
We went out to my car when theclub closed and I was still a
little tipsy.
I had two drinks.
Two drinks is all I need to getpunch drunk.
I was gone and I was like, hey,I can't drive right now, I just
need to sit here while I soberup.
And he's like, I'll stay withyou, I'm not gonna leave you.
So he was like let's just sithere and talk.
So we sat and talked and, um,it was just obvious that we were
both feeling really attractedto each other.
(09:29):
And it wasn't just sexual.
Like sometimes, you know, youknow how, you just know, when
you're with somebody, you'relike y'all just want to fuck the
shit out of each other.
But it wasn't just that.
I mean, I think that was partof it, I ain't gonna lie.
And then you got the alcohol.
We both were super tipsy, sothat was, that was part of it.
Okay, I'm being realistic withy'all.
But there was also another partthat I could tell that this is a
(09:49):
deeper thing.
We got going on also because wehave known each other for these
couple years.
So, like at some point he saidhe's like I feel like we were
probably married in a past lifeand I was.
And then I joked and said andthen because I thought he was
kind of joking at first, andthen I was like and we just find
each other in every lifetime hewas like no, I'm serious.
I was like we are both so drunk, like talking about how we were
(10:12):
married in a past life, likebro, but we were just having
like that kind of conversation,like we're obviously feeling it
was a very electric, a veryelectric kind of connection.
But here's the thing.
Here's the thing Sometimes, aswe all know, when you experience
an electric connection withsomebody where it feels so
(10:34):
intense, so quickly, like thatcan also be a sign of a red flag
.
But it has happened to me withmy ex-husband, my daughter's
father, who ended up being soabusive to me.
We had a super charged, superelectric, super strong, super
like intense connection soquickly.
The love bombing was huge and Ididn't know what love bombing
(10:56):
was back then.
Okay y'all, that was a whileago, that kind of language was
not at the forefront ofconversations, that was
pre-TikTok y'all.
I didn't know I was being lovebombed, but anyway, we ended up
getting married within eightmonths and got pregnant right
away with my daughter and thenthe abuse started and it was
like literally the most horrificthing I've ever experienced.
If you've ever been love bomband then discarded, the pain is
(11:18):
so intense, especially if onceyou're already married and
pregnant.
So I have experienced this andI had kind of done the work of
healing from that, thatrelationship, that marriage in
general, and and kind ofactually have a radar for a
super intense connection soquickly because I know that it
can be trauma, communicatinglike sometimes those intense
connections are trauma.
(11:38):
So I kind of had my like alertbells on for that.
But I also kind of felt like Idon't think it's that, I think
we're are just really aligned.
And I will say that's anotherthing that we talked about is we
have a lot of worldviewalignments and for me and I
think for him too there's somepeople it's really important for
us to align on worldview andsometimes people are like why do
(12:00):
I have to think this way.
Why don't I have to think likeyou and I'm like you don't have
to think like me?
I personally value worldviewalignment in romantic
partnerships.
I'm sorry, I just do Like ifyour worldview is too different
from mine, we are never going towork, never, ever, ever going
to work.
I have tried in the past withother men who it seems like
(12:23):
we're good enough guys, but likethe worldview shit.
As a sapiosexual I'm asapiosexual.
It's important to me.
Not only that worldviewalignment turns me on, it really
does.
Like I'm such a sapiosexual.
I need men to be smart.
I need them to be emotionallyintelligent.
I need them to be educated.
I need them to think deeply.
(12:43):
I need them to consider whothey are in the world and who I
am in the world and how we arein the world.
I need them to think abouthumanity.
I just I need alignment tothink similarly about how we
spend our day and how we spendour time.
It's kind of like someonesaying like I have to have a
fitness model because that's myworldview, like I just you know,
I got to have she, her body gotto be right and tight, and for
(13:05):
me it's kind of similar withyour brain.
Like your brain got to be rightand tight for me to want
anything from you.
Like the coochie is going tonot going to respond.
The brain, the heart, nothingis going to respond unless you
are a smart, intelligent, deeplythinking man.
So here's this smart,intelligent, deeply thinking man
.
So here's this smart,intelligent, deeply thinking man
(13:26):
with very, very similarworldviews.
Stuff that I'm excited abouttoo, like particularly
meditation, thoughts aboutpersonhood, a lot of shit.
And I'm thinking, I wasliterally thinking that night,
if this guy, if he were 45,remember'm 48, and he'd already
been married and he had somekids and he was just out here in
(13:48):
the world looking for hislifelong partner, I would marry
him tomorrow.
Like I was thinking, this isthe kind of alignment that I
want and need in a lifelongpartner.
This feeling, this connectedfeeling, is what I want in a
lifelong partner.
This feeling of feeling bonded,like this, the sexual
attraction, because, like y'all,he's so fucking beautiful, it's
(14:12):
fucking ridiculous, likesometimes, you know, you can get
clouded by that too.
So I had to kind of like putthat aside.
Like, just set that aside, justset that aside.
So I'm sitting there thinkingthat and knowing, but he's not
45 and he's never been marriedand he doesn't have kids and our
age difference is so far apartlike there's just no way.
(14:34):
And at some point we're likeit's like four in the morning,
I'm sobering up.
We're making out in the car andI started crying.
I started crying on hisshoulder and he's like why are
you crying?
I was like because this is sosad.
I was just like I really likeyou and I know we can never be
(14:55):
together.
It's so sad.
And he was like, yeah, I get it.
Like our, our lives are justtoo too far apart.
And it was just like, yeah, wewould be dumb to try to make
something work when we're in twodifferent life stages.
Because, yeah, age ain't nothingbut a number.
Throwing down ain't nothing buta thing.
Okay, yes, we know that, but atthe same time, age, while age
isn't important generationally,it does matter.
(15:16):
And like where you're at inyour life, like I'm a you know,
elder, millennial, young Gen Xand he's I looked at it today
he's actually Gen Z, liketoday's Gen Z.
Gen Z was born between 1997 and2012.
So in 2025, gen Z is between 13and 28 years old.
Millennials right now areapproximately 29 to 44 years old
(15:46):
.
Okay.
So let's say I'm a youngmillennial, because I kind of
relate more with being amillennial than I do.
Gen X I feel like I'm kind ofthe best of both worlds, frankly
, but this nigga is in Gen Z.
Okay, he was born between 1997and 2012.
Legal, by the way, but justwe're worlds apart in where we
are in life.
So we were like, well, let'sjust be friends.
(16:07):
Then Like let's just be friends, let's never take it there
sexually, let's just let's justbe friends.
And it was like, yeah, this isfor the best.
And it was kind of like OK,that's cool.
So the next night is the nightI'm supposed to cook for him for
dinner and I kind of had it inmy mind like let's just have a
great conversation and have anice night and that's all that's
(16:27):
going to happen.
Well, of course we have a nicedinner and I'm like, had I had
made the environment probably alittle bit too like romantic
issues, I can't.
It was like the very dimly lit.
There was candles all over theplace.
So we're sitting on the couchtalking after dinner and he told
me that he talked to his momabout what happened with us and
(16:48):
I was like you told your mom andhe was like, yeah, and I showed
her your Instagram andeverything.
And I told one of my homies andI was like, yeah, I told a few
people too, and we had toldpeople.
Because it was just like, whatdo you do when you feel so
bonded and so connected tosomeone so intensely?
But there's this block inbetween.
We were like, well, what if wejust what, if we just explored
(17:09):
this for like six months?
Like what could that hurt?
You know, it's not like we'reever going to be together long
term.
And you know he had alreadyexpressed that, yes, he wants to
get married eventually.
Yes, he wants to have his ownbaby.
So I was like, yeah, we don'thave to do any of that.
Like let's just, let's justhave fun.
Like what if we just kind of,you know, like clearly we enjoy
being around each other, likewhat could it hurt?
Now, I really think, inhindsight, that conversation we
(17:32):
could have been more clear,because I think there was some
confusion which we debriefedlater.
There was some confusion I'lljust say that on what was
actually being said, but thegeneral consensus was let's see
where this can go, okay, for sixmonths, in six months, and then
let's check in.
We had a good ass time, so I'lljust leave it at that.
(17:53):
The next day, there wassomething that happened.
I don't even know what it was,I don't even remember now.
Yeah, I don't remember butsomething happened the next day
and I felt like a little bit ofanxiety.
I was just like that'sinteresting.
And then, like the next dayafter that, the anxiety was
growing and growing and growing,and it was kind of like one of
those moments where I was likeGrace, what the fuck are you
(18:15):
doing?
Growing.
And it was kind of like one ofthose moments where I was like
Grace, what the fuck are youdoing?
You know, because here's thething.
Here's the thing I'm 48 yearsold.
I look younger than I am.
I look way younger than I am.
People usually think I'm like 35or younger and I get hit on by
a lot of younger men.
I don't get hit on by a lot ofolder men, but I'm also not
attracted to men who are 50 andover, which is, you know, I'm 48
(18:35):
.
So men who are 50 and older,only two years older than me,
and I just I'm having a hardtime generating physical and or
sexual attraction for them,because not only do they
resemble my father figure at thetime, who was abusive to me so
there's trauma but they also are, have like a boomer mentality
and they're just really toxic,like really toxic.
(18:58):
Men who are 50 and over areusually single because their
wives left them, because they'remiserable, horrible and or
abusive.
Terrible men Usually men whoare 50, if they're a really good
man, they're married andthey're married for a reason
because they're good to theirwife and she loves them and she
wants him around for a reason,because they're good to their
wife and she loves him and shewants him around.
Ok, but I'm not trying to throwout all the 50 year old men and
(19:19):
older, but it's really just notmy crowd.
So I've been out here cougaringand shit, because young men,
younger men, I'll say men whoare like 26 to 40, are the men
who are like really checking forme but also really being just
much more respectful andunderstanding.
You know, there's definitelylike the red pill of this
generation, like yeah, but it'sthe red pill.
I feel like in the 26 to 40range, those red pill men,
(19:42):
there's far less of them thanthere are like just normal
everyday guys, but men in the 26to 40 range.
They still want to have kids,they still want to get married.
A lot of them, a lot of them.
But those are the men who arechecking for me.
So I've been in this situationbefore where a younger man in
his late 20s has really tried totalk to me and be like, yeah, I
(20:03):
like you, I like hanging outwith you, I think you're
beautiful, we're having a greattime.
But like, yeah, I still want toget married and shit.
And it's just like I have in mymind thought, well, I don't
want to get married, so I'm coolif we just hang out and have
fun.
Like I'm cool with that, aslong as it doesn't get serious.
Because I never want to, I'mnever going to take that leap.
I've done it twice, I've beenburned twice, I've not been
impressed with myself at times.
(20:24):
I just don't want to do itanymore.
So I've been in this situationbefore.
So I kind of thought like, yeah, me and him can hang out for
six months, why not?
Like, let's just hang out forsix months, maybe longer, like
let's just see.
Because we had talked aboutlike we're gonna go to Miami,
we're gonna have the best time.
So we was already making plansto travel together and shit.
(20:47):
But I felt the anxiety and I'msomeone, even though I've been
in this situation before, I andI have anxious attachment issues
.
I try to see anxious attachmentshit is like my wake up call.
It's like my body saying like,hey, I'm alerting you to
something.
It's kind of like the yellowlight, like if my body starts
going crazy.
But the thing is usually when Ifeel anxious around a man.
It's when I'm around a man, butwith him I would feel
(21:09):
completely, my body would feelcompletely at peace when we were
actually together, like in eachother's physical presence.
But as soon as we were apart,the anxiety would go through the
fucking roof.
And this was not like a smallamount of anxiety.
If this was not like a normalamount of anxiety, this was like
insane anxiety.
Let me also say real quick, letme pause to say your girl is in
(21:33):
perimenopause.
I'm on HRT.
I just started HRT like a monthand a half ago and people say
it takes eight weeks for yourbody to get used to HRT, which,
if you're not familiar, ishormone replacement therapy for
perimenopausal women like myself.
When your estrogen is likespiking and depleting every
month, it's supposed to even youout.
So you're always getting likethe same amount of estrogen and
progesterone every month andyou're not freaking the fuck out
(21:55):
.
But sometimes it can take yourbody a little while to acclimate
and I feel like I've beencrying so much more.
I told my best friend this andshe was like you're crying more,
like bitch, you already cry allthe fucking time.
And I was like I know it'sinsane.
I I'm crying more, if you canbelieve it.
I'm crying more the depressionis depressing, more the anxiety
is anxiety more like everythingis heightened, everything like
(22:20):
the sex is sexing more in thebest way, so everything is
heightened.
I was trying to keep that inmind but I still was like this
is this is fucking, this iscrazy, so anyway.
So I invited him to spend thenight.
Like three or four days laterhe comes over.
We have a great night.
It's like 3, 30, almost four inthe morning and we're like,
(22:43):
okay, we gotta go to sleep, wejust gotta sleep, and neither of
us could fall asleep and we'relike just flip.
I can hear him flip-flopping,trying to get comfortable.
I'm flip-flopping and he sayssomething like I'm just having a
really hard time sleeping.
I haven't slept next to anyonefor a really long time and I was
like, yeah, I haven't either.
But I knew I kind of said thatas an excuse, but I knew that
wasn't why I couldn't sleep likemy anxiety was through the
(23:04):
fucking roof.
I just my whole body was sodiscombobulated and it really
wasn't usually like that withhim.
So I just rolled over and wewere our faces are like this
close, you know and I was likejust feel like you're gonna hurt
me.
I just remember this momentbecause the way his arm was like
around my neck, so my neck waslike resting on his arm and he
was looking at me like rightthere, and I just remember we
(23:25):
were like staring each other'seyeballs and he was like Grace,
I'm not gonna hurt you.
And it was really weird becauseI believed him.
I believed him, which some ofy'all might be thinking you put
your trust in a nigga Sillybitch.
How you figure?
Like that's what usually we sayto girls when you're like you,
you, you, what.
(23:46):
You believed him.
But no, I did believe him and Icould tell in that moment I
believed him and I literallythought this man is the most
mature man I have met in years,years and he's so much younger,
like a man in his 20s, is moremature than the last guy that I
talked to somewhat seriously,who was 44.
(24:07):
And it's been very obviousthroughout how emotionally
mature he was.
So I actually did believe him,and you know just, I'll skip to
the end of the story.
He didn't end up hurting me.
He did do something stupid, buthe didn't end up hurting me.
So he did keep that promise,but it didn't call me.
I was like, okay, I'll neverhurt you either.
And then, you know, we went tosleep, finally fell asleep.
(24:28):
It took me a long ass time, andso the reason why that was
funny too is because we both hadon like matching pink bonnets
because he's got locks.
So imagine two people with ourbig ass, matching pink bonnets
on, staring at each other.
Are you going to hurt me?
No, I'm never going to hurt you.
So I heard my inner child saywhat are you doing?
(24:50):
I feel like you're going tohurt me.
I feel like you're going toabandon me.
I feel like you're gettingcaught up in this situation and
you're not thinking about me atall.
It was so vivid Because againlike this is like we're in the
dead of night, it's four,whatever, 430 in the morning and
it was just almost like it wasaudible, but it wasn't audible.
But I was and I started crying,but I hid it from him because I
(25:11):
didn't want him to hear mecrying, like this bitch cries
all the time.
So I didn't say anything, but Iwas just like in my head I
didn't say this out loud, but Iwas like I'm not gonna hurt you,
I promise I won't hurt you.
I'm, I'm going to, you know,handle the situation.
And I feel like she was likebut why are you with him?
Like you cannot do anythingwith him moving forward?
(25:32):
And I was kind of like, yeah,I'm like you know, you know, you
kind of talk yourself and stuff.
I was like, yeah, but the thingis is like we're just gonna
have fun, we just really enjoyeach other, like we have such a
great bond.
And she was kind of like I kindof pictured the little version
of me like stomping her foot andbeing like I don't care, I
don't give a fuck about yourbond, I don't give a fuck about
how you feel about him.
I don't, I don't care if youtrust him.
(25:54):
I still feel like you're goingto abandon me.
And I just was like I know thatyou're scared of being
abandoned, because you wereabandoned by your dad and your
mom and your sisters and yourbrother and every adult in your
life, which is true.
My mom was schizophrenic,though she didn't abandon me on
purpose, but the fact that Inever had any secure attachments
(26:18):
is why I still now strugglewith anxious attachment when I
start caring for someone and Icould tell that I cared about
him already and it had only beenjust a few days and she was
just like I know you care abouthim and I'm afraid you're going
to care about him more than meand I'm like no, I would never.
Like I've already learned mylesson.
I would never put a man beforeyou.
I will never, ever, ever dothat again.
(26:39):
I see the harm it's caused.
I will never do that.
And she was just like I don'treally believe you.
It was really weird.
It was very interesting becauseI have done inner child healing
work before, like I said, andit's not like I've never had
these kind of conversationsbefore or really tried to soothe
my inner child or get in touchwith who my inner child is.
You know, the inner child is avery delicate, fragile part of
(27:02):
our psyche and I have had tolearn over the years like if you
go watch the other episode.
I have learned over the yearshow to treat her kindly because
there was a time where I wasreally mean to my inner child
and really essentially told herto shut the fuck up and then
proceeded to ruin my life.
So now I know that that innerchild represents wisdom, that
inner child, inner child work isdoing shadow work.
It's like what is beneath thesurface of your actions.
(27:26):
And I recognized while I waslaying there next to him how
terrified I was that thissituation would crash and burn,
just because of how intense itfelt already.
And I had told him the first,the first night, the night I
cooked him dinner, he ended upleaving at six in the morning.
We did not sleep and when Iwalked into the door and I gave
(27:48):
him a hug, goodbye, and I lookedhim in his eyeballs and I said
I will never betray myself foryou.
And, being an emotionallymature man who understands all
that he was like, of course Iwould never betray myself for
you.
And being an emotionally matureman who understands all that he
was like, of course I wouldnever want you to Like.
I'll never betray myself foryou either, like that's just not
who we are.
Yeah, of course, yes, I felt sohappy with that interaction.
(28:09):
But the truth is like I thinkthe reason why I felt like I had
to say that was because I couldalready tell that maybe I was
because I already knew I wasfeeling something.
I already knew I was kind ofsurrendering to my heart and I
already knew you're at risk.
You're at risk of feelingsomething.
If I thought I could just, youknow, have a fun time with him
(28:30):
and just go on dates with himand never feel anything, I don't
think I would have had anyanxiety.
But I knew deep down that itwas not going to be just a fun
time, that I was alreadystarting to feel feelings and I
already knew we couldn't goanywhere.
So I told my inner child, likeit's okay, like we're going to
be okay Over the next few days,as a result of my anxiousness, I
was doing more pursuing of likeconnection.
(28:54):
As a result of that, he was kindof like, well, wait, I thought
this was just like us, kind oflike having fun and exploring,
but not ever moving towardsanything serious, and so, like
it created this cog, all of this.
You know, all of this happenedsubtly, but it ended up where we
decided we were going to meetfor coffee a few days later.
So I thought about it and I wasjust like my, my anxiety is too
(29:16):
high, I can't do this.
Like I have to tell him I can'tdo this.
We got to go back to just beingfriends, like I'm just, I'm too
anxious, and I know that I likehim too much.
And we had agreed we were notgoing to let our feelings get
involved and that if we, if weever did, we would just let each
other know.
And so we get, we sit down forcoffee and basically he tells me
first.
I was gonna say something too,but I decided to just let him
(29:40):
have it.
So he tells me first.
And I was fine with it.
His reasons were a little bitdifferent than mine, but it was
pretty similar, pretty similar.
So we agreed, like let's justgo back to being friends, like
it's totally fine.
We were before like let's dothat again.
Then we had a great time justgetting coffee and looking at
books and talking about ourmutual interests.
It was great.
So we decided to just befriends and see each other a
(30:01):
couple more times and when wesaw each other a couple more
times, it was really really,really obvious to me that I
could not just transition backto being his friend.
I could not just transitionlike on a dime, because my
little fragile fucking feelingsgot involved.
Yeah, I won't go into all ofwhat happened, but there was a
little bit of jealousy, shit andjust yeah, not, we didn't have
(30:23):
the greatest night.
On one of the last nights wehung out and so I told him the
next day like hey, I need toscale all the way back.
I can't do this anymore, likenot even as friends.
We can't even hang out asfriends.
I just need all the space andtime because I feel like, even
though we were never in arelationship and even though it
didn't last very long, like Idid, in fact, betray myself,
(30:44):
even though this is a very shortamount of time.
Part of the reason why I wantto share this story too is
because of just how quickly thatwhole process went.
From beginning to end was likeless than two weeks and still
produce a cacophony of sadnessfor me.
Once I told him that, eventhough I said I need to scale
back, I don't want to hang outas friends anymore, like we
can't go to Miami together, likethat's just ridiculous, we're
(31:06):
just going to sleep together andit's just going to start this
whole process all over again.
But I felt so sad, right,because here's the thing because
I let myself surrender to thefantasy, albeit very briefly.
It kind of like acted as likekind of a drug, like being
around him was like spiked mydopamine so fucking high just
because I haven't been around aguy that I like, really
(31:28):
intensely liked and respectedand appreciated.
And not only that, he's like areally big, really big
personality.
He is like right now his careeris skyrocketing, he's he's
going to be up in the ethers,like he's going to have a
beautiful career.
He's just yeah, he's, he'sdoing, he's going to be a big,
big speaker like I.
(31:48):
Just I can see it.
He's going places and like kindof like me seeing that and like
kind of like us being on thesame track.
Like I just saw the power,coupleness of it all and I think
like the letdown after it wasover was so intense and just
like the, the fear of like thiswill this will continue to haunt
me unless something differenthappens, like this dynamic of
(32:10):
like the younger guy trying totalk to me and being super
interested in me and us beinggreat together, until it comes
down to that moment of truth oflike, well, I want to be married
.
You know and this is the thirdsituation that this has happened
in the third situation whereit's obvious like, hey, we have
a bond, we get along really well, we could do this, but you one
(32:32):
or both of us, will never getwhat we want.
You will want to be marriedeventually and I won't.
You will want to have babiesand I ain't getting pregnant.
I'm not Janet Jackson, nobody'strying to have a baby at 50.
And so I'm like this is thethird time this has happened.
And I sat down with myself Likethere was one day after I told
him that I just had to scaleback and I couldn't see him at
all, even as a friend.
(32:52):
I cried, couldn't see him atall, even as a friend.
I cried, I cried and cried andcried for like two days, maybe
two and a half days.
I was so sad.
It felt like such a big loss,like just it felt like a huge,
huge, huge loss, and I don'treally even still understand why
.
But I was talking to my innerchild and trying to tell her how
sorry I was, because, eventhough that was not my intention
(33:16):
, it was not my intention at allto self-abandon I did.
But I was also crying because Iwas trying to tell my inner
child, like how much Iappreciated her sending out such
a strong warning signal becauseshe really was looking out for
me.
She really was letting me knowlike you could do this and you
will have fun.
(33:36):
But this man is out here in hissingle fine ass at his physical
and sexual peak era, like he'snot trying to settle down with
you, boo, and you can lie to meand you can lie to yourself and
say like, oh yeah, I'll be fine,you won't be.
(33:57):
And so I had to apologize andalso thank her for letting me
know this delusional land, thisfantasy land that you're living
in right now, is only going tobe fun for like two, two rides
on a roller coaster and, baby,when you get off this roller
coaster, you're gonna be sick asfuck.
And really that's what happened.
I did literally cry for two orthree days and then I regretted
(34:21):
telling him that I didn't wantto see him as a friend anymore,
because I'm like, well, if Ihadn't told him that we could
still at least hang out.
But then I was like if you hangout, bitch, you know what's
gonna happen.
I felt like there was anotherlesson that I learned.
But I also can really look athow far I've come, because
here's the thing I think withwomen just in general, no matter
what age you are, I think it'ssometimes it's like kind of more
(34:43):
embarrassing because I'm likedamn it, I'm older, why am I
still going through this fuckingshit?
But I also realized there was atime in my life where I never
listened to my body.
I never listened.
I would just ignore my body.
My body could be doing all thesame shit it was doing with this
situation and I would just belike step aside, I've got a
carnival ride to get in.
I've got red flags to wave.
(35:04):
So I recognize that growth.
There was a time I yell, swore,told my inner child fuck you, I
don't love you, you're an uglybitch, and I'm not even
exaggerating.
There was a time I actuallyhated my inner child.
Came a long way with that,worked on it, worked on it,
worked on it.
Now I'm literally laying nextto a man in my bed, can't sleep
(35:26):
because I'm having a vivid,vibrant conversation with my
inner child and I can canappreciate the growth and I can
appreciate that, even thoughthis was the shortest little
tryst or whatever you want tocall it wasn't even a
situationship, I guess theshortest little dating situation
ever but it still led to mefeeling really intense feelings
of loss and and I, like I said,I don't even blame him, he
(35:48):
really did.
I don't really think he didanything wrong, but the thing is
I don't really think I didanything wrong either.
I think life is messy.
I also think that, as blackwomen, there are societal
pressures and expectations aboutdating, about aging.
I think black women routinelyfeel left out of certain aspects
of society and culture anddating is one of those that
(36:09):
every little thing can sometimesbring up abandonment wounds.
Doing inner child work isincredibly healing.
I think it's so beautiful to beable to look back at my
childhood and acknowledge thewounds that I was feeling and
how it still bothers me andaffects me today.
It led me to be reallyvulnerable and transparent with
him, which he later told me hereally appreciated.
(36:30):
Again, I know it's kind of hardto believe like grace, you're
talking about someone in your20s, but, um, you'll just have
to believe me that he was verymature for someone in his 20s.
But there was something that hesaid to me that I thought was
really interesting.
When we were talking aboutending it, he said um, he was
like you know, but right beforethis which is true, and I forgot
to tell you all this rightbefore we decided get together,
(36:52):
he had decided that he was doinglike 90 days of semen retention
, which basically is like notonly are you celibate, but you
also don't self pleasure and youhold in your semen.
As a man, I had never heard ofthat before, but apparently
there's all sorts of healthbenefits.
So he was doing 90 days and hesaid he was two months into it,
and when we met I was about 30days into.
(37:16):
What I was saying was a 90 daycelibacy journey and I wasn't
doing any sort of coochieretention because I was still
self-pleasuring but likecelibacy was the thing for me.
And so we both broke ourcommitments to ourselves and he
actually brought that up, likewhen he was ending it with me at
the coffee shop before I gotthe chance to say anything.
(37:37):
But anyway, he was like yeah, Irealized like something's off
for both of us to self, abandonthe commitment we had made to
ourself.
And I think that's anotherthing that my inner child was
also saying, like I thought youwere doing this whole 90 days
thing, like 90 days of celibacy,90 days of no emotional
commitment to a man or any sortof like pursuit of men, and I
(38:01):
was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, butyeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I wanted so much to be like, well, this is an anomaly.
Okay, bitch, this is an anomaly, so we're going to just go
ahead and push forward.
You have to realize that yourinner child is really holding
all of those memories from yourchildhood.
It's holding all of thoseemotions and it's holding all of
(38:21):
that and especially any traumathat happened to you before you
were able to be verbal.
That kind of ish is held inyour body.
If you ever read anything fromGabriel Matei, gabriel Matei
talks about this a lot.
He's a doctor who studieschildhood trauma and he was part
of the Holocaust and he'spowerful, powerful, but he talks
about, like, the trauma thathappens.
Your trauma is not whathappened to you, it's how your
(38:44):
brain remembered it, and so whenyou think about welcoming your
inner child, think aboutwelcoming her to share what
happened to her, how her brainremembers it, especially before
she had words.
Because if you're able to getthat stuff to the surface
without letting it overwhelm you, you can have an experience
like I had, where I feel like myinner child literally protected
(39:05):
me.
She protected me.
I mean what I went through.
I cried for three days, butimagine if me and him had been
hanging out for three months orsix months.
I'd have cried for three days.
But imagine if me and him hadbeen hanging out for three
months or six months.
I'd have cried for four months.
I know I would have bonded tohim intensely because we already
were on that track.
Actually, that's what he saidto me too when we were ending it
.
He was like you know where thisis going right?
Like if we keep going the waywe're going, we are going to
(39:26):
just submerge into each other'slives.
And it was like, yeah, I cansee that your inner child you
experience like if yourchildhood experiences involved
instability, fear, lack ofsafety, you know.
Or, like I did, like I had afather who was abusing me.
All of those things now canserve as alarm bells.
(39:47):
So this is not about dwellingin the past.
This is not about blaming yourcaregivers.
This is really about offeringcompassion and validation to a
part of ourselves that we mayhave shut down.
We may have felt very unheard,very unseen or unloved, and this
is a way to gently reparentyourself.
And I love like I want to sharethis story with you all because
I love.
I love that after I finally,after three days, after I
(40:09):
finally dried my tears and waslike, oh my god, I miss him,
which I did, I really, I really,actually still really miss him.
But what I found is like such agreat appreciation for myself,
for my healing journey, for myinner child.
I feel so grateful.
I feel like the lesson was sobig.
I feel like he was the perfectman to facilitate that lesson,
(40:32):
because he's been so mature andemotionally intelligent and
gentle and kind and soft andjust honestly wonderful.
The whole, throughout thiswhole thing, which has been kind
of I've cried with him likethree times, like who fucking
does that?
Like the fact that he was ableto hold space for my tears, for
me to be vulnerable with him,like I've been extremely
vulnerable with him and for himto be able to hold space for
(40:54):
that is really kind of eyeopening, but this has been so
beautiful.
It also shows me the growthI've had in the kind of partners
.
Every time I date someone, Ifeel like they've leveled up,
level up, level up, level up Imean seriously and so I feel
like I've gotten closer, like,okay, god, this was, this was
good, this was close, this wasreally close, but could you add,
(41:17):
like 20 years on him, he were20 years older, I would marry
him tomorrow.
But realizing I'm still gettingcloser to what I want and like
that kind of maturity, emotionalintelligence, etc.
Is what I want.
So this is the kind of thingthat I would encourage you to
journal if you're on a healing,inner child healing journey, or
(41:38):
you want to be on an inner childhealing journey.
You want to be protected frompartners.
You want to know what your bodyis saying.
You want to know what yourinner child is saying.
You want to have datingexperiences that go better,
which, all things considered, Ifeel like to walk away from
something and not say like thisman harmed me in a way that I
won't be regular or normal foryears, like that's kind of I've
(42:00):
had that in my past and I'm sothankful that those days are
behind me that I can't evenentertain anyone, who would
leave me in such a sad statethat I won't be normal for years
.
So here's a few journal promptsfor you moving forward.
One if you write yourself aletter from the perspective of
your younger self, what wouldshe want to say to you?
What would she say that sheneeds from you?
(42:23):
Ask yourself some questionslike what did I long for as a
child?
What did I really really want?
What were my biggest fears?
What made me feel really safe?
(42:43):
What made me feel really happy?
And don't censor yourself atall, just let it flow.
Another thing you can do isvisualization and guided imagery
.
So imagine yourself as a child.
Imagine where you slept,imagine what you look like, kind
of picture her little body.
Think about where you are, whatemotions you might be feeling.
I wouldn't get too deep intolike severely traumatic moments
because you don't want totrigger something in yourself
(43:05):
without like a guided, trustedtherapist or psychotherapist
with you.
But in general then, imaginelike holding your inner child as
yourself, as your adult self.
Imagine comforting her, youknow, talk to her lovingly, like
I did in my bed when I washaving like a major freak out
about him.
So one thing I did in thatlittle three days that I was
(43:27):
crying so hard about this wholething is I left myself.
Wait, let me see.
Oh, I don't want to find around, but I left myself like I
believe it was like a 35 minutevoice note to my inner child and
that was what really got it allout.
I was sobbing y'all, I washeave crying.
35 minute voice note.
(43:48):
I think I left it in WhatsApp,actually Telling myself, telling
my little self, everything thatI was thinking, everything that
I was feeling, all the waysthat I thought you know the
things I was, yeah, justeverything, everything that she
might be thinking and feelingwhy this hurts, what hurt?
Because I understood, I couldunderstand and I told him this
(44:10):
too you are what facilitatedsomething that triggered
something in me like this is notabout you and really I can look
back and see this wasn't abouthim, this was about me and he
triggered something in me.
The presence of him triggeredsomething in me that deeply,
deeply needed to heal, deeply,deeply needed to heal and deeply
(44:31):
needs to adjust, deeply, deeplyneeded to heal and deeply needs
to adjust, really needs toadjust to kind of a different
reality as I'm getting older andas I'm thinking about lifelong
partnership and what I need andwhat I actually want and what
I'm willing to do and notwilling to do.
And I needed that and I neededthis situation with him to
trigger that kind of healing.
And I needed someone like himto treat me with the kindness
(44:52):
and love that he did tofacilitate that journey without
pain, so that it wasn't abouthim and all this harm he caused
me.
It was more about, like theharm I caused me to be real.
You know, another thing you cando is look at old pictures of
yourself.
For a while I had a picture ofmyself as my screensaver.
I mean, right now, this is mykids.
But for a while I had one.
And every time I would look atmy phone I would just be like,
(45:12):
hey, I love you, little Gracie,because I went by Gracie when I
was a little girl and finallyobviously set boundaries for
yourself.
And if I had kept my boundaryto myself from before, I
wouldn't be in this position.
If I had kept the boundary tomyself that I was going to go 90
days and be celibate and notdate, days and be celibate and
not date.
But I learned something reallybeautiful out of it.
(45:34):
If you do this inner childhealing work, you're going to
experience so much healing.
You're going to experience somuch peace, so much joy, so much
gratitude, a reduction inanxiety and fear or a greater
sense of safety and self trust,like even though you know the
story I shared with you.
I never felt unsafe, I justfelt pain and that's okay.
(45:55):
It's really okay.
I also feel like, since I'vebeen on this inner child healing
work journey, that I feel asense of lightness about myself.
I feel like I'm able to laughmore, I'm able to have self
compassion, just in general.
So anyway, I think for blackwomen, self love via the form of
inner child healing work can bevery particularly
transformative and it can reallyaddress systematic oppression
(46:18):
in a way that you don't knowtill you get on this journey.
So I really want to encourageyou to explore this with
Reckless Abandon.
Thank you so much for watching,if you like, the stories I'm
sharing.
I'm actually a writer and Iwrite about shit I'm going
through.
I actually wrote a book calledGrace Actually Memoirs of Love,
faith, loss and Black Womenhood.
It is available on Amazon in ahard copy or you can get it for
(46:38):
your Kindle.
Please subscribe to mynewsletter called Out here
Thriving.
It's on Substack and I have sixcategories that I'm going to be
writing about weekly.
It's going to be starting soonI haven't started it yet, but
it's going to be Soulful Sundays, mindful Moments probably on
Monday, because MMM BodyBeautiful talking about holistic
(46:59):
health and wellness for ourbody, particularly us aging
women, grown Women, wisdom, justpersonal experiences and life
lessons, kind of much like whatI just talked about.
Number five a creative corner,creative sparks, kind of like
journaling prompts, things likethat.
And then the final prompt iscommunity connections, just a
(47:19):
way for us to foster community,and sub stack has become a
really beautiful community forblack women.
So I highly recommend you doingthat.
Anyway, thank you so much forbeing here.
I realize it's a little bitlonger of an episode, but I
wanted to get all the detailsbecause I had to.
I had to give y'all the tea.
I had to give y'all the fulltea, okay, so thank you for
being here.
You could be anywhere, butyou're here and I appreciate you
so much.
Have a great day and I will seey'all in the next one.
(47:41):
Bye.
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