May 7, 2025 • 34 mins
The journey to inner peace often begins in unexpected ways. For me, it started with a desperate search for financial independence while trapped in an abusive marriage. In 2018, I turned to meditation not for spiritual enlightenment but because successful people in an MLM claimed it helped them make money. What began as a practical pursuit transformed into the cornerstone of my healing journey.
That first 45-minute guided meditation sent me into the deepest, most cathartic sleep I'd ever experienced—so profound that concerned colleagues and my then-husband couldn't reach me for hours. My traumatized body had finally found permission to truly rest. This moment marked the beginning of a practice that would eventually guide me through leaving my abuser, navigating single motherhood, and managing increasingly complex mental health challenges.
From falling asleep during every attempt to gradually building my practice minute by minute, my relationship with meditation evolved alongside my understanding of myself. Walking meditations during work breaks became sacred moments of reprieve from anxiety. Silent morning sessions on my patio became conversations with my inner child and shadow self. This practice—now spanning nearly nine years and hundreds of logged hours—became especially crucial when perimenopause amplified my depression, anxiety, and ADHD symptoms to debilitating levels.
As Black women, we inherit expectations of unwavering strength that can make the vulnerability of stillness feel counterintuitive or even frightening. Yet I've found that teaching my nervous system to calm down, becoming attuned to my body's signals, and creating space for quiet introspection are revolutionary acts of self-care. In my darkest moments of 2023, when poverty and hormonal fluctuations led to serious suicidal ideation, meditation remained my pathway to moments of peace.
Whether you're struggling with trauma, mental health challenges, or simply the overwhelming nature of modern life, I encourage you to begin with just one minute of stillness daily. You deserve peace. You deserve a calm nervous system. You are worthy of creating moments of stillness in your life—and you may be surprised by how profoundly they transform everything else.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Can a few moments of stillness every day really
impact your life profoundly?
The answer is yes.
So in 2018, I decided to embarkon a meditation journey and
I'll be honest with you.
The reason why I was doing itwas for money, and I'll tell you
a little bit about that later.
I really thought thatmeditation was the be-all
(00:21):
end-all for me to get money,because at that time I was in an
abusive marriage.
I wasn't working.
Actually, was I working?
No, I was working.
I was working, but I knew Ididn't have enough to survive on
my own, and so I started a sidehustle and that side hustle led
me to meditation, because a lotof the people who were doing it
were like Okay, well, if youwant more money, you got to
(00:41):
start meditating.
So I can't even tell y'all myjourney to meditation was like
on some oh, I'm just trying topursue hope and healing shit.
It really wasn't.
It was on some like can y'alljust give me the coins?
But this practice hasprofoundly shifted the entire
landscape of my life and changedmy life and been so good for me
(01:01):
, and I want to tell y'all whatthese last like eight years or
so of meditation have done forme.
First, let me introduce myself.
My name is Grace Sander.
I'm an actor?
No, I'm not an actor.
I'm not an actor at all.
I'm an activist and a mentalhealth advocate, a survivor
advocate, a writer, a podcasterand a mom.
And this podcast is ahope-oriented storytelling space
(01:21):
.
It is a warm hug of solidarityfor me to you and a celebration
of our resilience thus far andour desire to not only survive
but to thrive.
Welcome to episode 25.
First of all, can y'all evenbelieve it?
It's the 25th episode.
Like I read the other day that,like, a large percentage of
podcasts never get past thethird episode, and I was like
(01:44):
that, like a large percentage ofpodcasts never get past the
third episode, and I was likenot to brag, but I want episode
25.
I'm serious, y'all Like itfeels like such a big
accomplishment for me becausethis podcast doesn't pay me.
I'm still just doing this inthe hopes and with the dream
that this will be my full timecareer, but right now it's not
paying me.
Right now I pay to do thepodcast, actually upwards of 100
(02:06):
and something dollars a month,which, by the way, if you want
to support me, if you love thispodcast and you want to help me
continue to do it.
Please sponsor me on Patreon.
I don't really do anything onPatreon, but it is a place where
you can sponsor the podcast andI also do Substack, so you can
follow me on Substack.
Get out hereving.
But anyway, let's go on and talkabout something that has
(02:26):
changed my life, and I wanted todo this topic today because
it's the 25th episode and I'mlike what has?
What could I impart?
That is like such an importantpart of my journey and it's
really, honestly, meditation,and it's something that I think
is not talked about enough inthe black community and for the
black community.
I feel like we're always kindof left out and left behind in
(02:47):
conversations that are likereally, really important.
So I want to talk about this.
Okay, so back to the story.
So, yeah, I was doing an MLM,and in the MLM, a few of the
leaders were talking about howthey came to make a lot of money
, and one of the things that alot of them said they started
doing was meditating, and so Iwas like, well, I should just
start meditating then, and so,literally, it was about money,
it wasn't about anything else.
(03:07):
Now I should also say at thetime I was in a very abusive
marriage and it was, I was itwas 2018.
When I first started themeditation that I want to tell
you about Okay, let me justpause I know y'all heard that
little chirp.
Yes, yes, the fire alarm in myroom needs a battery, but, in my
defense, I can't change thebattery myself.
(03:28):
It's not like a normal AAA, aaor whatever.
It's a funny, funky batterythat only maintenance can do,
and I just haven't called themyet because it's like another
step, okay.
So I'm sorry if the chirpingbothers you.
I've kind of tuned it outbecause it's been a week now,
but I will call.
Y'all know I got ADHD, okay,y'all know I got ADHD.
I be trying, okay.
So, anyway, back to my story.
At the time, I was in a lot oftrauma.
(03:50):
In 2018 in particular, I thinkI had literally just been
diagnosed with acute stressdisorder in the in the fall of
2017.
And then I was upgraded tocomplex PTSD diagnosis in
December of 2017.
So in 2018, I had just starteda new job.
It was really hard.
I had a stress disorder, I hadacute anxiety disorder.
(04:11):
I had a young kid my daughterat that was born in 2016.
So I was still not sleepingthrough the night I was still
chronically underslept and thenI was being abused.
So I want you to have that as abackdrop to me starting
meditation and me thinking, oh,this is just this cute little
thing I'm going to do so that Ican make more money.
Ok, I decided to get on.
I had an app that I foundthrough something, because I've
(04:34):
always been kind of like aself-development junkie.
I was following somebody whowas like get this app called
Omvana.
Omvana had a lot of meditationson it, so I found one that was
like 45 minutes.
This is my first time evertrying to actually sit down and
meditate.
So I remember, I literallyremember the day I was sitting
in my living room.
I remember the house we livedin.
(04:54):
Then I we had like a big, areally big couch and I was kind
of like half laying down, half,you know like this, laid back on
a couch, and I remember themeditation was imagining myself
like going through this dark,almost like a castle, where the
stairs spun around and you knowyou're picturing.
It's like nighttime, it's asoft rain, it's like a
lighthouse outside an ocean, andI just remember feeling really,
(05:18):
really relaxed At the time.
My job was remote and I had toclock in at 11 to start the
workday and I think I might havestarted this at like 930 or
something, 930 in the morning.
So I dropped my daughter off atdaycare and I had come back and
I was like, oh well, let me trythis meditation thing.
So I'm imagining I'm in thislighthouse, there's a light,
rain, there's you know, andbasically, once you get that,
(05:40):
once you get up to the top ofthe lighthouse, there's levers.
There was three levers and eachlever represented like what you
wanted in your life, like riskhigh, risk low, for I want the
best life possible.
You could put it at zero or putit at 10.
I don't remember what happenedin that first meditation.
All I know is that I fell intoa deep comatose sleep, and I
(06:01):
mean a deep comatose sleep.
I had never in my life felt mybody feel like that and honestly
, I don't know if I've ever feltit again, ever again.
It was the deepest, soundest,fullest, most cathartic sleep
I've ever had in my life, somuch, y'all, that I remember it
to tell y'all.
Like this, at 11, when I wassupposed to log in, my boss Ben
(06:21):
had been texting me and callingme and because I was supposed to
meet him, like on a Zoom or aSlack or whatever.
I wasn't there and I had myphone on me, y'all the ringer
was probably on.
I was so deep in sleep.
My husband at the time hadtexted me.
I was just out and I think Islept for like five hours and to
the point that people wereworried about me.
(06:45):
I mean, I think what happenedwas in hindsight is that I was
going through so much trauma atthat time.
My body was so traumatized atthe time.
I really can't even underscorethe kind of pain I was feeling
at that point in my life.
I think it was like the firsttime that I had allowed my body
to truly rest in so long that itwas just like nothing will
(07:05):
interrupt this sleep, likenothing.
Well, anyway, what I decided todo, because I slept so soundly
that first day was just do thatsame meditation over and over
and over again.
I probably did that same one, Ithink, maybe for like three,
four, five, six months where andit wasn't every day it was when
I would get the chance, becauseI knew it would put me out, and
it continued to put me outevery time.
(07:26):
But like every time, I wouldhear a little bit more of it and
basically those three leversimagining myself with those
three levers became really,really instrumental in me
deciding that I was going toleave my abusive husband,
because I was really back andforth.
He was trying to change andeven though everybody was like
he's not going to change, Ireally felt like I want to give
him a chance.
And I was very, very, verytrauma bonded, like in the real
(07:50):
way, not in the way people useit incorrectly, but like I was
addicted.
I had an addiction to my abuserand to the abuse cycles.
But those levers representedwhether or not you were going to
take the risk to make your lifebetter.
I forgot what the other twowere.
I think it was how satisfiedyou wanted to feel in your life.
And I think when I started it Ihad the lever of like how
(08:12):
satisfied I wanted to feel withmy life at like a three or a
four, because I was justhonestly kind of just hoping to
survive at that point.
Just not end up dead is reallywhere I was at at that point,
and then I forgot what the thirdlever was.
But that really where I was atat that point, and then I forgot
what the third lever was, butthat lever thing made me think I
need to change.
So very, very instrumental.
That's how meditation startedfor me.
(08:33):
But as time went on, I starteddoing other meditations in
Amvana, in the Amvana app, andthen I started doing walking
meditations because I just couldnot keep my ass awake during a
meditation.
Like my body was like, ifyou're gonna do this, I will
sleep.
It didn't matter if I wasstanding up, sitting up leaning
against the wall, it reallydidn't matter.
I'm also, I feel like I'm kindof narcoleptic.
(08:54):
So you know, take heart, ifyou're someone who's tried
meditation, you're like Grace, Ijust can't stay awake.
Look, I'm basically anarcoleptic.
Like I can't even really driveat night because I will fall
asleep driving.
I have held money cash out thewindow probably like 30 times in
my life to try to keep myselfawake driving just like I've
never been able to study forclasses without falling asleep
(09:15):
in the library, at Starbucks, atMcDonald's, wherever I am.
So y'all, I'm a sleeper.
Okay, your girl is a sleeper,I'm a napper, I can sleep
anywhere.
So meditation has become a realproblem for me because my body,
just it just goes into shutdownmode.
So if, if you're thinking Ican't do this, grace, I, I'm too
sleepy, baby, you are notsleepier than me.
(09:36):
You are not sleepier, no onecan out sleep me, no one can out
sleep me.
Okay, so I will come back to mystory with meditation Because,
like I said it's, I've been on aeight year, damn near nine year
, journey with this and Iabsolutely love meditation.
But I want to just list a fewthings, just a few things that
y'all have probably heard about,but it's still good to say.
(09:59):
Meditation, number one, helpscalm your nervous system and if
you've ever heard anything abouthealing, for those of us out
there I know this podcast is forpeople who are in a healing, a
place of healing OK, we out heretrying to survive and heal,
healing your nervous system islike one of the most important
parts about healing,particularly if you've been
through trauma, on trauma, ontrauma, on trauma.
(10:20):
Meditation helps calm thenervous system by activating the
parasympathetic response andwhen you do it regularly, it can
lower cortisol, which is yourstress response.
When you do it regularly, itcan reduce anxiety symptoms and
regularly can improve youremotional regulation, also by
training your mind and yourbrain to like stay in one place
at one time, like focusing onthe breath, for example.
(10:42):
That's one modality ofmeditation that can help you
concentrate in other areas ofyour life and resist
distractions and that can leadto improved focus better, you
know, being better at work, justregular shmegular life in
general but it encouragesintrospection and non-judgmental
observation of your thoughts,without judging them, just
(11:03):
learning to let them go by andalso realizing that not
everything that you think, evenwhen you're meditating, is true
and it just needs to scoot on by, just keep going.
Meditation can also be reallyhelpful in identifying your
patterns and your triggers,figuring out your inner workings
, your shadow self, and it alsohelps grow emotional
intelligence, which I feel likejust is something we all need
(11:26):
anyway, and that allows us to bemore thoughtful people in
general and more empatheticpeople in general, which I love
for me and I love for you.
Meditation also reduces yourmental clutter, so if you're
someone who tends to overthink,meditation can help with that.
It doesn't fix it all.
This isn't going to fix.
It's not a fix.
It's not a be all, end all, butit helps a lot and it certainly
(11:48):
doesn't hurt.
I have found, and many peoplefind, that when you practice
meditation you have a greaterjust sense of connection to
yourself and the world aroundyou in general, and I love that
aspect of it as well.
If you think you can't meditateor if you just want to know
where to start, just keeplistening.
I think a lot of people feellike when they start meditating
that they'll be too tired, likeI was too distracted, which I
(12:10):
have ADHD too worried about yourto do list, etc.
Etc.
We're all inundated with socialmedia.
We're all inundated with thenews.
We all know the country'sfalling apart.
It's like really hard to justsit and be like trust me, y'all,
I get it, I get it.
That's why I want to talk aboutthis today.
I know there might be a fear offailure and just a fear of like
oh my God, why even startsomething I know I can't do, or
start a practice I know I can'tfinish?
(12:30):
It's just very easy to be likethis doesn't work for me.
Don't give up, I promise.
Okay, I'm going to give yousome tips.
I also think that the societalexpectations put on black women
to be really strong, to be thestrong black woman, to not need
therapy, to never needantidepressants, to allow
(12:53):
ourselves to just like sit andbecome very quiet, can be very
vulnerable.
That can be really scary, evenfor someone like me who actually
is pretty good at sitting in myvulnerability.
But I know I have a lot offriends that they fear that.
You know that will be like Ijust need a drink because I
don't want to hear it, or I justneed to.
I just need to smoke because mymind is too chaotic.
(13:15):
I'll be honest with y'all Ihave at times I'm not diagnosed,
but I have at times wondered ifI'm actually borderline because
of how much my emotions are sobig and so overwhelming.
And meditation has reallyreally helped me with that.
I realized that allowingyourself to be just quiet and
super vulnerable can also bereally scary and
counterintuitive at times.
Because it's scary.
(13:35):
I know that's a challenge.
You might be wondering doesthis even really work?
And you know what.
You'll have to find out foryourself.
But I want to share with you mystory Because the truth is
meditation has really saved mywhole life.
Like yeah, I don't know, I don'tknow if I'd be here.
I mean I have several.
If you've watched any of myother YouTube videos, I have
several self love, self carepractices that I started as a
(13:57):
result of going through adomestic violence situation,
because I was very aware that Iwas not going to survive, that I
was going to end up unalivingmyself with the rate I was going
.
So there's so many things I didalong the way, but I would
really name this as one of thetop, if not the top two, things
that I did that hassignificantly helped me to get
through it, to heal and continueto live, even thrive, post
(14:22):
separation, post divorce, postabuse, because I've had so many
challenges in the last,basically since I started
meditating I mean even beforethat but I've had my fair share.
I just don't know if I couldhave gotten through it without
the practice of meditation.
So, in terms of focus, here isone thing I would say.
I would say start with a minute, every day one minute.
So once I started that longvideo and I realized I was
(14:44):
falling asleep every time, I waslike I just need something
shorter.
So I downloaded I want to sayit was the Headspace app.
It was one of those apps,although there's so many out
there I don't even want to nameany of them because you can
probably find all this onYouTube, but there's at least
you know, probably five to 10really good meditation apps.
I still use Amvana and I willlink that for you guys if you
(15:05):
want it, and Headspace just hadone was one of those ones where
you like watch the circle go inand out and you just breathe
with it for a minute, and I justtried to do one minute every
day and I found myself doingthat like I think that was like
the fall of that same year.
I just started with one minuteand then I gradually went up to
three, and then seven, and then10, I think, and then 20.
It took a long time before Icould do 20 without falling
(15:27):
asleep, and these were justsilent, breathing meditations
that were just focused on thebreath.
I actually really, really likethat because I'm someone who has
complex PTSD.
So if you're someone who dealswith heightened, heightened
anxiety or you've been diagnosedwith PTSD or complex PTSD, as
you know, it can be really hardto not be anxious Once you get a
(15:48):
little bit quiet.
I find this actually sometimesin bed, when I'm falling asleep
or when I'm.
If I wake up in the middle ofthe night or I've had a bad
dream, it's really hard for meto quiet my mind again.
So what I'll have to do is alittle hack that this can be
meditative too is start saying acolor and a shape, because your
brain has a hard time goingback to the worrying if you're
(16:10):
giving it something kind ofconcrete to focus on.
So let me give you an example.
So if I'm starting to feelanxious, I'll start thinking
like red heart, red heart with atwo in it.
Yellow triangle with a five init.
Green square with a six in it.
Gray box with a nine in it.
And then I'll just say that inmy head over and over and over
again.
If you do that for like fiveminutes while taking deep
(16:30):
breaths, your brain it reallycan't worry about what it's
trying to worry about when youtalk about red circles with
fives and sevens in it, and redhearts and yellow triangles, it
really can't.
I really suggest if you're everstruggling with a panic attack,
just start doing that in arepetitive kind of way and your
body will actually calm down.
There's lots of techniques forusing meditation for calming
(16:51):
anxiety, which I have done,which is one of the ways this
has changed my life, but that'sone of the ones I do,
particularly at night,particularly if I've had a bad
dream is the colors, shapes andnumbers.
There's three things for yourbrain to focus on.
I would be impressed if you'resomeone who can think about a
color, shape and a number andstill worried about what you're
worried about, because that's alot to be going on in your brain
(17:11):
, but anyway.
So once I got to the pointwhere I was doing breath work
and all of that somewhere aroundthere, I forgot, when I think
it might have been the fall of2018.
Yeah, I'm losing time now.
My memory is bad, but somewherearound there I got a different
job, working full time for alibrary, and while I was at the
library, I would was able totake 15 minute breaks.
(17:31):
So I started listening to apodcast.
I feel like the name of thepodcast is called the Daily
Meditation Podcast, but I'mgoing to find the real name and
I'll put it on the screen and Iwould take a 15 minute break in
the morning and in the afternoonand I would listen to one
episode, because every episodewas either 10 or 15 minutes.
I was doing walking meditation,y'all.
Those were like the best.
(17:51):
Those were the best 15 minutesof my day by far.
I love that podcast.
The guy's voice on it for somereason, his voice was like so
soothing to me, like just reallyreally soothing.
I love his voice so much.
I haven't heard that one in areally long time.
It makes me want to go back toit.
Guided walking meditations wereso great for me and I did that
(18:12):
so many times because when I wasworking for the library, you
know, sometimes during the day Ihad kind of a lot of idle time
and you know, if you're worriedthat your boss is cheating on
you, you're starting to beinspector gadget plus just
interacting and dealing with him.
In general, like I said, it wasa hard time.
I was anxious a lot.
I was having anxiety attacksand panic attacks a lot and
(18:33):
those 15 minutes, like I reallylook forward to it, like no
matter what the weather was, ifit was snowinging, y'all, if it
was raining cold, but when itwas, obviously when the sun was
out, it was just.
It was such a time if I feltlike it healed me a little bit
every day that I was doing itand all I was doing was walking
and listening and just takingdeep breaths and that got me out
(18:55):
of so many panic attacks.
That and doing the deepbreathing techniques throughout
the day.
That was kind of like my entryinto it.
And then I started using thisother app and I don't remember
the name of the app because thelibrary provided it for us for
free.
I think around COVID time Idon't even remember y'all, the
time is all just there was awhite woman and a black man who
(19:15):
you could choose from to leadthe meditations.
The black man I think his namewas Osifwe or something.
He had the sexiest voice ever.
Y'all I was listening to thatpodcast, or not, wasn't a
podcast?
I was using that app tomeditate so often just to hear
Osifwe or whatever the hell hisname was.
I think I got up to like 400 andsomething hours of on just that
(19:36):
app and I actually just openedup my Umbana app.
I'm not sure if this reset,because I feel like this doesn't
.
This doesn't sound high enough.
Y'all logged in with adifferent password, but like you
can't see this.
But it basically says, just forproof, it says 581 times, 581
hours meditated on this app and127 sessions completed.
Now I know I've done way morethan that.
(19:57):
I've probably done 2000 hourswith this app and probably like
500 sessions.
But you know, whatever my wholepoint in telling y'all that is
that when I started this wholejourney I was laying down, I was
falling asleep, I was doingwalking meditations.
I spent three months doing one,one minute to three minutes, a
five minute daily minute tryingto do daily, probably wasn't
(20:17):
even doing every day.
Then I was using the app justbecause the nigga had a sexy
voice okay, and the dailymeditation podcast.
It's a dude, but his voice wasjust so soothing to me like I
just felt like we were bestfriends, like that's how much I
love doing that app.
I've continued to use Umbanaand then once I got into Bob
Proctor, once I learned who heis, I started doing a Bob
Proctor meditation.
(20:38):
I've probably done that one I'mnot even kidding like 100 times
.
It's an abundance meditationthat Bob Proctor does.
Over the last, like I would say,probably four years or so, my
meditation has become more indepth as I've learned from more
teachers and how to do newthings.
So I've done body scanmeditations and then mindset
meditations and just all, alldifferent kinds.
(21:00):
And then in the last few yearsI got into Joe Dispenza
meditations and started doingthose because his is more kind
of, not more, but his is veryscience backed and I've bought
meditations because I wanted themore bougie tailored
meditations.
A lot of times when I domeditation now, I do it in the
morning.
A lot of people say you shouldmeditate in the morning or at
(21:23):
night, when your brain is morereceptive to taking in the truth
of what you're hearing.
And so a lot of times in themorning when I wake up and I
realize I'm sort of awake, butnot already awake, I just grab
my phone, I turn on one and Iset my phone down, put it under
the pillow, so it's likeprojecting through the pillow,
and sometimes I do fall backasleep and that's fine.
And then sometimes I go sit onmy patio when it's warmer.
(21:43):
So now it's spring, it's aboutto be, it's starting to get warm
in Michigan, so I'll probablysit out there and I'll do just
15 minute silent meditations,nothing, just focusing on my
breath, and I'd like to actuallybuild that up.
I probably could do higher.
Now what I want you to knowover these last like seven or
eight years of this is that overtime, meditation has constantly
been there to heal me.
(22:04):
Over time, meditation hasconstantly been there to get me
through whatever trauma I wasfacing, and meditation has been
what's helped me to calm down,like learning how to do deep
breathing, like realdiaphragmatic deep breathing,
learning how to go inward,learning what was was
(22:25):
particularly hurting me so much,has been so invaluable.
And so, when I look at theselast I would say five years,
because 2020 was the year that Iwould identify that I started
perimenopause.
And for those of you who don'tknow, perimenopause really can
affect your brain.
It really affects pre-existingconditions.
If you have depression, chancesare your depression is going to
(22:45):
be worse If you're someone whostruggles with anxiety, if you
have PTSD or complex PTSD, whichcould be controversial but
low-key, I think all BlackAmericans have, and to some
extent In perimenopause it getsworse.
If you have ADHD, to someextent In perimenopause it gets
worse.
If you have ADHD inperimenopause it gets so much
worse.
Anything that affects yourbrain already having estrogen
(23:05):
spikes and depletions fucks withyour brain.
That has altered my life sosignificantly, like the
combination of having severedepression that got worse,
severe anxiety that got worse,like ADHD.
That was manageable for me.
My whole life became completelyunmanageable since, I would say,
(23:25):
2020 or so, 2019, 2020.
I haven't even been able tosince 2022, to hold down a full
time job.
Like it's been bad.
Y'all.
It's been really bad and I'mlike thinking back like what if?
What if?
In 2019, 2018, 2019, 2020, I hadnot started a meditation
(23:45):
practice right as I was headinginto perimenopause, I did not
know how bad it was going to get.
I had no idea how bad myanxiety could get that much
worse.
I had no idea that mydepression could get that much
worse.
I had no idea that I wouldbecome almost incapable of like
doing a basic to do list, which,honestly, is really what
(24:06):
happened in 2020 or 2019, 2020ish.
When I started perimenopause myADHD I realized this is not
manageable anymore.
I've had this my whole life butI've been cool.
Now I can't.
And meditation is what hascontinued to be the foundational
bedrock of me just being ableto survive at a basic level,
(24:27):
which really sounds really sad,but y'all, it's true.
So I mentioned this a fewepisodes ago, but in 2023, a
couple years ago, right aroundthis time I had extreme,
unaliving ideations and some ofit was situational, because I
was going through pretty, prettyextreme and dire poverty and I
just didn't know how to getmyself out of it and I felt like
(24:47):
I couldn't work at all, evenpart time, like that's how bad
my depression and anxiety were.
I think perimenopause wasmessing with my brain, but every
month around my cycle I reallywanted to unalive myself, but
there was a triggering event.
And I won't go into all of that.
But what I can say is that theonly times that I knew peace is
when I would just sit down andkind of like fall into a
(25:08):
meditative state and just letmyself experience the peace of
that moment.
And that's why now, when I lookback, I'm like what if I hadn't
had that?
Now I will say, as someone whoused to be a very gung-ho
evangelical Christian, I used topray a lot and I used to
actually practice somethingcalled practicing the presence
(25:28):
of God, which was basicallymeditation.
So sitting quietly and silentlyis something I have done since
I converted to Christianity whenI was 19, and praying for long
periods of time, like literallytelling God here is what I
praise you for, here is what Iconfess to you as my sins, here
is what I'm thankful for andhere is what I'm asking you for.
(25:51):
That was something I hadalready been used to doing and I
could do that for I mean, whenI was in college I would pray
for like 45 minutes to two hoursat a time, because I was just
that much of a little gung hoevangelical and I'm not laughing
at myself.
I actually love that.
I built a really strong prayerpractice.
I actually consider myself tobe a strong prayer.
And then I don't even rememberwhat years, but like between the
(26:12):
2010, 20, 2017 ish years, I hada spiritual director for a
little while and we wouldactually sit in silence together
.
I did silent retreats.
So I just want you to know thatmeditation as a kind of as a
secular practice outside of likemy faith and something else was
, it felt really different to methan when I used to be praying
(26:34):
and and I, like I said, I haddone some silent retreats.
I did a retreat once where Ididn't speak for a whole weekend
.
I went off to like a silentretreat center to literally not
speak.
We literally sat down and atemeals together and didn't say
anything to each other.
This was like.
This was like 2012.
And I had kind of gotten awayfrom that.
When I went through a divorce,my first divorce I was still
(26:55):
praying, but not like nearly aslong as I used to before, and it
just felt really different.
So I just want you to know,like I did have some practice
with silence, with mindfulness,with, you know, pursuing
serenity through connection to ahigher being, which I had done
before in prayer.
And then these past I would saypast eight or nine years this
(27:17):
has been more about connectingto myself, connecting to my body
, and I really think there is adifference, because when I was
praying, it was more like alonging for something.
I'm asking for something.
It's about this relationshipbetween me and God and I feel
like meditation right now isreally for me.
Now is really for me now isreally about the relationship
(27:39):
with myself and learning tolisten to myself, learning to
hear my inner voice, learning tolisten to my inner child,
learning to identify my shadowself and what's you know
subterranean thoughts behind theactions that I'm doing every
day, and it really is aboutconnecting with myself and also
teaching my body to calm downand that feels like a very
(28:00):
strong, stated goal, like thisis a goal of what I'm doing is
teaching my body that has PTSDand that is freaked out so
frequently For those of you whodon't know me like I am freaked
out so frequently, so often, sopowerfully, I really can't.
I don't watch anything that hasany tiny little bit of violence
(28:22):
in it at all.
If you walk by me and flick me,I'm going to jump and scream.
I'm just like one of thebiggest scaredy cats you'll ever
meet, but I'm also veryresilient, whatever the case may
be.
Meditation has taught me how tocalm this all down once it gets
started.
That's why I would never saylike, yeah, this is completely
fully healed me, but it's alsotaught me a lot about calming my
(28:48):
nervous system down.
I think the biggest thing Iwant you to see is that
meditation for me hasn't justbeen this dramatic earth
shattering one moment.
I mean I think outside of thatfirst time that I fell asleep on
the couch for, like you know,five hours in a cathartic state.
I do think that was healing formy body in a big earth
shattering way.
But other than that, it's beena thousand little steps on a
long ass journey of healing mybody and teaching my body like
(29:12):
you're okay and you're safe andthere is there is not a bear
around every corner.
I am so much more attuned to mybody now.
My body signals.
One thing that my ex-therapistmy last therapist, used to say
to me all the time is like whatis your body doing?
Become aware of your body atall times every day, when you're
on a date, when you're havingsex, when you're brushing your
(29:33):
teeth, when you're havingbreakfast, like, what is your
body telling you?
And I feel like the practice ofmeditation helped me to really
like hone in on that and reallyhave a big understanding of,
like, my body's warning signalsthat I've been ignoring all
along.
So that's been a huge, which isa big self-awareness thing, you
know, and self-awareness leadsto healing.
So it's kind of like all onthis journey.
(29:56):
So for my, for my sisters outhere, y'all, I just really
believe that meditation is areally powerful tool.
I think it's one that'sunderutilized in the black
community, particularly forwomen, because we have these
hormonal changes that areaffecting our mood every month,
and why not use every tool inthe toolbox to try to help us to
get through it?
You know what I'm saying.
So I'm wondering what are yourthoughts on meditation?
(30:18):
Have you ever tried it before?
What are your fears?
You know, drop it in thecomments, let me know.
Do you have any specificquestions?
This is just kind of like a bigoverview on meditation and how
it's changed my life, but Iwould love to actually at some
point get trained on how to leadmeditation.
I want to do meditationretreats like I really want to
go ham on helping otherexperience like the kind of like
(30:40):
peace and freedom that I'veexperienced from it.
Meditation is really a journeyof self discovery and I really
pray that you go on it.
This is one of the mostimportant things.
I really hope, like my podcastdoes, is to help women,
particularly black women,because that's just where my
heart is at.
To help us really learn how todiscover ourselves and heal from
within and realize, like we arethe woman that we've been
(31:02):
waiting for.
We are the person that we'vebeen waiting for and, honestly,
that you really are worthy ofpeace.
You're really worthy of apeaceful nervous system, a calm
nervous system, and we'redeserving of cultivating moments
of peace in our life.
And that's just not somethingthat's like celebrated or
shouted from the rooftops asmuch as it is like go live your
(31:23):
best life, go party, go, get,dig go.
You know all those things arefun too.
You know I also occasionally goparty, occasionally go get the.
You know the dangling, but Ican't believe.
I just said that y'all knowwhat I'm saying like, yes, but
it's just not as encouraged.
(31:44):
Like go sit your ass down andbe quiet and go calm your
nervous system, because that isbeneficial as well.
You know what I mean.
Finding your rhythm, the rhythmof life, is also beneficial.
It's as beneficial as going outfor walks and getting vitamin D
, you know, via the sunshine.
It's as beneficial as, likeworking out, working your
(32:05):
muscles.
It's as beneficial as doing allof these things that are really
good for us.
It's just one of the thingsthat I feel like it's just not
encouraged enough.
So, please, let me encourageyou.
There are so many apps.
There's so many guidedmeditations on YouTube that are
free.
Me encourage you.
There are so many apps.
There's so many guidedmeditations on YouTube that are
free.
There's so many resources forthis.
I will list below, like my topfavorite resources that I use
pretty much every day, but noneof these are special.
(32:28):
None of these are sponsors,none of these are affiliate
links.
It's just there's so many.
Choose any and get started.
Whatever makes you feel themost comfortable and works the
best for you, do it.
A quick little message from oursponsor, grace.
Actually, stories of love, faithloss and black womanhood.
And yes, this is written by me,grace, sandra.
If you like my stories and thekind of things I share, I
(32:48):
actually write about it, andthese are stories and blog posts
that I wrote in the last 10years or so on love, faith loss
and black womanhood.
You can pick it up from Amazonon a Kindle digital copy or you
can get a hard copy just likethis.
I've got all five-star reviews.
People seem to love it, andthis is just really the
beginning of my writing career,so go check it out.
Like I said before, I have asub-site called Out here
(33:09):
Thriving, so please sign up forthat If you really enjoyed this
podcast.
I'm really trying to grow andthat's one major way a podcast
can grow.
Also, subscribe here on YouTubeand boopity boop that like
button for me.
If you love me.
Leave me a comment.
Let me know what's yourfavorite episode, what you want
to hear about more, justanything.
I want to really grow this intoa community of women who look
(33:32):
out for each other and who aretrying to learn and grow
together.
You can follow me on all mysocials I'm at out here trying
to survive on both TikTok andInstagram and finally, join my
newsletter list on Substack.
You can also support thepodcast there if you want to
leave me a tip in the tip jar.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
You could be anywhere else andyou're here, and I do not take
that lightly.
I appreciate y'all and I'll seeyou guys in the next episode.
(33:54):
Bye.
Can a few moments of stillness every day really
impact your life profoundly?
The answer is yes.
So in 2018, I decided to embarkon a meditation journey and
I'll be honest with you.
The reason why I was doing itwas for money, and I'll tell you
a little bit about that later.
I really thought thatmeditation was the be-all
(00:21):
end-all for me to get money,because at that time I was in an
abusive marriage.
I wasn't working.
Actually, was I working?
No, I was working.
I was working, but I knew Ididn't have enough to survive on
my own, and so I started a sidehustle and that side hustle led
me to meditation, because a lotof the people who were doing it
were like Okay, well, if youwant more money, you got to
(00:41):
start meditating.
So I can't even tell y'all myjourney to meditation was like
on some oh, I'm just trying topursue hope and healing shit.
It really wasn't.
It was on some like can y'alljust give me the coins?
But this practice hasprofoundly shifted the entire
landscape of my life and changedmy life and been so good for me
(01:01):
, and I want to tell y'all whatthese last like eight years or
so of meditation have done forme.
First, let me introduce myself.
My name is Grace Sander.
I'm an actor?
No, I'm not an actor.
I'm not an actor at all.
I'm an activist and a mentalhealth advocate, a survivor
advocate, a writer, a podcasterand a mom.
And this podcast is ahope-oriented storytelling space
(01:21):
.
It is a warm hug of solidarityfor me to you and a celebration
of our resilience thus far andour desire to not only survive
but to thrive.
Welcome to episode 25.
First of all, can y'all evenbelieve it?
It's the 25th episode.
Like I read the other day that,like, a large percentage of
podcasts never get past thethird episode, and I was like
(01:44):
that, like a large percentage ofpodcasts never get past the
third episode, and I was likenot to brag, but I want episode
25.
I'm serious, y'all Like itfeels like such a big
accomplishment for me becausethis podcast doesn't pay me.
I'm still just doing this inthe hopes and with the dream
that this will be my full timecareer, but right now it's not
paying me.
Right now I pay to do thepodcast, actually upwards of 100
(02:06):
and something dollars a month,which, by the way, if you want
to support me, if you love thispodcast and you want to help me
continue to do it.
Please sponsor me on Patreon.
I don't really do anything onPatreon, but it is a place where
you can sponsor the podcast andI also do Substack, so you can
follow me on Substack.
Get out hereving.
But anyway, let's go on and talkabout something that has
(02:26):
changed my life, and I wanted todo this topic today because
it's the 25th episode and I'mlike what has?
What could I impart?
That is like such an importantpart of my journey and it's
really, honestly, meditation,and it's something that I think
is not talked about enough inthe black community and for the
black community.
I feel like we're always kindof left out and left behind in
(02:47):
conversations that are likereally, really important.
So I want to talk about this.
Okay, so back to the story.
So, yeah, I was doing an MLM,and in the MLM, a few of the
leaders were talking about howthey came to make a lot of money
, and one of the things that alot of them said they started
doing was meditating, and so Iwas like, well, I should just
start meditating then, and so,literally, it was about money,
it wasn't about anything else.
(03:07):
Now I should also say at thetime I was in a very abusive
marriage and it was, I was itwas 2018.
When I first started themeditation that I want to tell
you about Okay, let me justpause I know y'all heard that
little chirp.
Yes, yes, the fire alarm in myroom needs a battery, but, in my
defense, I can't change thebattery myself.
(03:28):
It's not like a normal AAA, aaor whatever.
It's a funny, funky batterythat only maintenance can do,
and I just haven't called themyet because it's like another
step, okay.
So I'm sorry if the chirpingbothers you.
I've kind of tuned it outbecause it's been a week now,
but I will call.
Y'all know I got ADHD, okay,y'all know I got ADHD.
I be trying, okay.
So, anyway, back to my story.
At the time, I was in a lot oftrauma.
(03:50):
In 2018 in particular, I thinkI had literally just been
diagnosed with acute stressdisorder in the in the fall of
2017.
And then I was upgraded tocomplex PTSD diagnosis in
December of 2017.
So in 2018, I had just starteda new job.
It was really hard.
I had a stress disorder, I hadacute anxiety disorder.
(04:11):
I had a young kid my daughterat that was born in 2016.
So I was still not sleepingthrough the night I was still
chronically underslept and thenI was being abused.
So I want you to have that as abackdrop to me starting
meditation and me thinking, oh,this is just this cute little
thing I'm going to do so that Ican make more money.
Ok, I decided to get on.
I had an app that I foundthrough something, because I've
(04:34):
always been kind of like aself-development junkie.
I was following somebody whowas like get this app called
Omvana.
Omvana had a lot of meditationson it, so I found one that was
like 45 minutes.
This is my first time evertrying to actually sit down and
meditate.
So I remember, I literallyremember the day I was sitting
in my living room.
I remember the house we livedin.
(04:54):
Then I we had like a big, areally big couch and I was kind
of like half laying down, half,you know like this, laid back on
a couch, and I remember themeditation was imagining myself
like going through this dark,almost like a castle, where the
stairs spun around and you knowyou're picturing.
It's like nighttime, it's asoft rain, it's like a
lighthouse outside an ocean, andI just remember feeling really,
(05:18):
really relaxed At the time.
My job was remote and I had toclock in at 11 to start the
workday and I think I might havestarted this at like 930 or
something, 930 in the morning.
So I dropped my daughter off atdaycare and I had come back and
I was like, oh well, let me trythis meditation thing.
So I'm imagining I'm in thislighthouse, there's a light,
rain, there's you know, andbasically, once you get that,
(05:40):
once you get up to the top ofthe lighthouse, there's levers.
There was three levers and eachlever represented like what you
wanted in your life, like riskhigh, risk low, for I want the
best life possible.
You could put it at zero or putit at 10.
I don't remember what happenedin that first meditation.
All I know is that I fell intoa deep comatose sleep, and I
(06:01):
mean a deep comatose sleep.
I had never in my life felt mybody feel like that and honestly
, I don't know if I've ever feltit again, ever again.
It was the deepest, soundest,fullest, most cathartic sleep
I've ever had in my life, somuch, y'all, that I remember it
to tell y'all.
Like this, at 11, when I wassupposed to log in, my boss Ben
(06:21):
had been texting me and callingme and because I was supposed to
meet him, like on a Zoom or aSlack or whatever.
I wasn't there and I had myphone on me, y'all the ringer
was probably on.
I was so deep in sleep.
My husband at the time hadtexted me.
I was just out and I think Islept for like five hours and to
the point that people wereworried about me.
(06:45):
I mean, I think what happenedwas in hindsight is that I was
going through so much trauma atthat time.
My body was so traumatized atthe time.
I really can't even underscorethe kind of pain I was feeling
at that point in my life.
I think it was like the firsttime that I had allowed my body
to truly rest in so long that itwas just like nothing will
(07:05):
interrupt this sleep, likenothing.
Well, anyway, what I decided todo, because I slept so soundly
that first day was just do thatsame meditation over and over
and over again.
I probably did that same one, Ithink, maybe for like three,
four, five, six months where andit wasn't every day it was when
I would get the chance, becauseI knew it would put me out, and
it continued to put me outevery time.
(07:26):
But like every time, I wouldhear a little bit more of it and
basically those three leversimagining myself with those
three levers became really,really instrumental in me
deciding that I was going toleave my abusive husband,
because I was really back andforth.
He was trying to change andeven though everybody was like
he's not going to change, Ireally felt like I want to give
him a chance.
And I was very, very, verytrauma bonded, like in the real
(07:50):
way, not in the way people useit incorrectly, but like I was
addicted.
I had an addiction to my abuserand to the abuse cycles.
But those levers representedwhether or not you were going to
take the risk to make your lifebetter.
I forgot what the other twowere.
I think it was how satisfiedyou wanted to feel in your life.
And I think when I started it Ihad the lever of like how
(08:12):
satisfied I wanted to feel withmy life at like a three or a
four, because I was justhonestly kind of just hoping to
survive at that point.
Just not end up dead is reallywhere I was at at that point,
and then I forgot what the thirdlever was.
But that really where I was atat that point, and then I forgot
what the third lever was, butthat lever thing made me think I
need to change.
So very, very instrumental.
That's how meditation startedfor me.
(08:33):
But as time went on, I starteddoing other meditations in
Amvana, in the Amvana app, andthen I started doing walking
meditations because I just couldnot keep my ass awake during a
meditation.
Like my body was like, ifyou're gonna do this, I will
sleep.
It didn't matter if I wasstanding up, sitting up leaning
against the wall, it reallydidn't matter.
I'm also, I feel like I'm kindof narcoleptic.
(08:54):
So you know, take heart, ifyou're someone who's tried
meditation, you're like Grace, Ijust can't stay awake.
Look, I'm basically anarcoleptic.
Like I can't even really driveat night because I will fall
asleep driving.
I have held money cash out thewindow probably like 30 times in
my life to try to keep myselfawake driving just like I've
never been able to study forclasses without falling asleep
(09:15):
in the library, at Starbucks, atMcDonald's, wherever I am.
So y'all, I'm a sleeper.
Okay, your girl is a sleeper,I'm a napper, I can sleep
anywhere.
So meditation has become a realproblem for me because my body,
just it just goes into shutdownmode.
So if, if you're thinking Ican't do this, grace, I, I'm too
sleepy, baby, you are notsleepier than me.
(09:36):
You are not sleepier, no onecan out sleep me, no one can out
sleep me.
Okay, so I will come back to mystory with meditation Because,
like I said it's, I've been on aeight year, damn near nine year
, journey with this and Iabsolutely love meditation.
But I want to just list a fewthings, just a few things that
y'all have probably heard about,but it's still good to say.
(09:59):
Meditation, number one, helpscalm your nervous system and if
you've ever heard anything abouthealing, for those of us out
there I know this podcast is forpeople who are in a healing, a
place of healing OK, we out heretrying to survive and heal,
healing your nervous system islike one of the most important
parts about healing,particularly if you've been
through trauma, on trauma, ontrauma, on trauma.
(10:20):
Meditation helps calm thenervous system by activating the
parasympathetic response andwhen you do it regularly, it can
lower cortisol, which is yourstress response.
When you do it regularly, itcan reduce anxiety symptoms and
regularly can improve youremotional regulation, also by
training your mind and yourbrain to like stay in one place
at one time, like focusing onthe breath, for example.
(10:42):
That's one modality ofmeditation that can help you
concentrate in other areas ofyour life and resist
distractions and that can leadto improved focus better, you
know, being better at work, justregular shmegular life in
general but it encouragesintrospection and non-judgmental
observation of your thoughts,without judging them, just
(11:03):
learning to let them go by andalso realizing that not
everything that you think, evenwhen you're meditating, is true
and it just needs to scoot on by, just keep going.
Meditation can also be reallyhelpful in identifying your
patterns and your triggers,figuring out your inner workings
, your shadow self, and it alsohelps grow emotional
intelligence, which I feel likejust is something we all need
(11:26):
anyway, and that allows us to bemore thoughtful people in
general and more empatheticpeople in general, which I love
for me and I love for you.
Meditation also reduces yourmental clutter, so if you're
someone who tends to overthink,meditation can help with that.
It doesn't fix it all.
This isn't going to fix.
It's not a fix.
It's not a be all, end all, butit helps a lot and it certainly
(11:48):
doesn't hurt.
I have found, and many peoplefind, that when you practice
meditation you have a greaterjust sense of connection to
yourself and the world aroundyou in general, and I love that
aspect of it as well.
If you think you can't meditateor if you just want to know
where to start, just keeplistening.
I think a lot of people feellike when they start meditating
that they'll be too tired, likeI was too distracted, which I
(12:10):
have ADHD too worried about yourto do list, etc.
Etc.
We're all inundated with socialmedia.
We're all inundated with thenews.
We all know the country'sfalling apart.
It's like really hard to justsit and be like trust me, y'all,
I get it, I get it.
That's why I want to talk aboutthis today.
I know there might be a fear offailure and just a fear of like
oh my God, why even startsomething I know I can't do, or
start a practice I know I can'tfinish?
(12:30):
It's just very easy to be likethis doesn't work for me.
Don't give up, I promise.
Okay, I'm going to give yousome tips.
I also think that the societalexpectations put on black women
to be really strong, to be thestrong black woman, to not need
therapy, to never needantidepressants, to allow
(12:53):
ourselves to just like sit andbecome very quiet, can be very
vulnerable.
That can be really scary, evenfor someone like me who actually
is pretty good at sitting in myvulnerability.
But I know I have a lot offriends that they fear that.
You know that will be like Ijust need a drink because I
don't want to hear it, or I justneed to.
I just need to smoke because mymind is too chaotic.
(13:15):
I'll be honest with y'all Ihave at times I'm not diagnosed,
but I have at times wondered ifI'm actually borderline because
of how much my emotions are sobig and so overwhelming.
And meditation has reallyreally helped me with that.
I realized that allowingyourself to be just quiet and
super vulnerable can also bereally scary and
counterintuitive at times.
Because it's scary.
(13:35):
I know that's a challenge.
You might be wondering doesthis even really work?
And you know what.
You'll have to find out foryourself.
But I want to share with you mystory Because the truth is
meditation has really saved mywhole life.
Like yeah, I don't know, I don'tknow if I'd be here.
I mean I have several.
If you've watched any of myother YouTube videos, I have
several self love, self carepractices that I started as a
(13:57):
result of going through adomestic violence situation,
because I was very aware that Iwas not going to survive, that I
was going to end up unalivingmyself with the rate I was going
.
So there's so many things I didalong the way, but I would
really name this as one of thetop, if not the top two, things
that I did that hassignificantly helped me to get
through it, to heal and continueto live, even thrive, post
(14:22):
separation, post divorce, postabuse, because I've had so many
challenges in the last,basically since I started
meditating I mean even beforethat but I've had my fair share.
I just don't know if I couldhave gotten through it without
the practice of meditation.
So, in terms of focus, here isone thing I would say.
I would say start with a minute, every day one minute.
So once I started that longvideo and I realized I was
(14:44):
falling asleep every time, I waslike I just need something
shorter.
So I downloaded I want to sayit was the Headspace app.
It was one of those apps,although there's so many out
there I don't even want to nameany of them because you can
probably find all this onYouTube, but there's at least
you know, probably five to 10really good meditation apps.
I still use Amvana and I willlink that for you guys if you
(15:05):
want it, and Headspace just hadone was one of those ones where
you like watch the circle go inand out and you just breathe
with it for a minute, and I justtried to do one minute every
day and I found myself doingthat like I think that was like
the fall of that same year.
I just started with one minuteand then I gradually went up to
three, and then seven, and then10, I think, and then 20.
It took a long time before Icould do 20 without falling
(15:27):
asleep, and these were justsilent, breathing meditations
that were just focused on thebreath.
I actually really, really likethat because I'm someone who has
complex PTSD.
So if you're someone who dealswith heightened, heightened
anxiety or you've been diagnosedwith PTSD or complex PTSD, as
you know, it can be really hardto not be anxious Once you get a
(15:48):
little bit quiet.
I find this actually sometimesin bed, when I'm falling asleep
or when I'm.
If I wake up in the middle ofthe night or I've had a bad
dream, it's really hard for meto quiet my mind again.
So what I'll have to do is alittle hack that this can be
meditative too is start saying acolor and a shape, because your
brain has a hard time goingback to the worrying if you're
(16:10):
giving it something kind ofconcrete to focus on.
So let me give you an example.
So if I'm starting to feelanxious, I'll start thinking
like red heart, red heart with atwo in it.
Yellow triangle with a five init.
Green square with a six in it.
Gray box with a nine in it.
And then I'll just say that inmy head over and over and over
again.
If you do that for like fiveminutes while taking deep
(16:30):
breaths, your brain it reallycan't worry about what it's
trying to worry about when youtalk about red circles with
fives and sevens in it, and redhearts and yellow triangles, it
really can't.
I really suggest if you're everstruggling with a panic attack,
just start doing that in arepetitive kind of way and your
body will actually calm down.
There's lots of techniques forusing meditation for calming
(16:51):
anxiety, which I have done,which is one of the ways this
has changed my life, but that'sone of the ones I do,
particularly at night,particularly if I've had a bad
dream is the colors, shapes andnumbers.
There's three things for yourbrain to focus on.
I would be impressed if you'resomeone who can think about a
color, shape and a number andstill worried about what you're
worried about, because that's alot to be going on in your brain
(17:11):
, but anyway.
So once I got to the pointwhere I was doing breath work
and all of that somewhere aroundthere, I forgot, when I think
it might have been the fall of2018.
Yeah, I'm losing time now.
My memory is bad, but somewherearound there I got a different
job, working full time for alibrary, and while I was at the
library, I would was able totake 15 minute breaks.
(17:31):
So I started listening to apodcast.
I feel like the name of thepodcast is called the Daily
Meditation Podcast, but I'mgoing to find the real name and
I'll put it on the screen and Iwould take a 15 minute break in
the morning and in the afternoonand I would listen to one
episode, because every episodewas either 10 or 15 minutes.
I was doing walking meditation,y'all.
Those were like the best.
(17:51):
Those were the best 15 minutesof my day by far.
I love that podcast.
The guy's voice on it for somereason, his voice was like so
soothing to me, like just reallyreally soothing.
I love his voice so much.
I haven't heard that one in areally long time.
It makes me want to go back toit.
Guided walking meditations wereso great for me and I did that
(18:12):
so many times because when I wasworking for the library, you
know, sometimes during the day Ihad kind of a lot of idle time
and you know, if you're worriedthat your boss is cheating on
you, you're starting to beinspector gadget plus just
interacting and dealing with him.
In general, like I said, it wasa hard time.
I was anxious a lot.
I was having anxiety attacksand panic attacks a lot and
(18:33):
those 15 minutes, like I reallylook forward to it, like no
matter what the weather was, ifit was snowinging, y'all, if it
was raining cold, but when itwas, obviously when the sun was
out, it was just.
It was such a time if I feltlike it healed me a little bit
every day that I was doing itand all I was doing was walking
and listening and just takingdeep breaths and that got me out
(18:55):
of so many panic attacks.
That and doing the deepbreathing techniques throughout
the day.
That was kind of like my entryinto it.
And then I started using thisother app and I don't remember
the name of the app because thelibrary provided it for us for
free.
I think around COVID time Idon't even remember y'all, the
time is all just there was awhite woman and a black man who
(19:15):
you could choose from to leadthe meditations.
The black man I think his namewas Osifwe or something.
He had the sexiest voice ever.
Y'all I was listening to thatpodcast, or not, wasn't a
podcast?
I was using that app tomeditate so often just to hear
Osifwe or whatever the hell hisname was.
I think I got up to like 400 andsomething hours of on just that
(19:36):
app and I actually just openedup my Umbana app.
I'm not sure if this reset,because I feel like this doesn't
.
This doesn't sound high enough.
Y'all logged in with adifferent password, but like you
can't see this.
But it basically says, just forproof, it says 581 times, 581
hours meditated on this app and127 sessions completed.
Now I know I've done way morethan that.
(19:57):
I've probably done 2000 hourswith this app and probably like
500 sessions.
But you know, whatever my wholepoint in telling y'all that is
that when I started this wholejourney I was laying down, I was
falling asleep, I was doingwalking meditations.
I spent three months doing one,one minute to three minutes, a
five minute daily minute tryingto do daily, probably wasn't
(20:17):
even doing every day.
Then I was using the app justbecause the nigga had a sexy
voice okay, and the dailymeditation podcast.
It's a dude, but his voice wasjust so soothing to me like I
just felt like we were bestfriends, like that's how much I
love doing that app.
I've continued to use Umbanaand then once I got into Bob
Proctor, once I learned who heis, I started doing a Bob
Proctor meditation.
(20:38):
I've probably done that one I'mnot even kidding like 100 times
.
It's an abundance meditationthat Bob Proctor does.
Over the last, like I would say,probably four years or so, my
meditation has become more indepth as I've learned from more
teachers and how to do newthings.
So I've done body scanmeditations and then mindset
meditations and just all, alldifferent kinds.
(21:00):
And then in the last few yearsI got into Joe Dispenza
meditations and started doingthose because his is more kind
of, not more, but his is veryscience backed and I've bought
meditations because I wanted themore bougie tailored
meditations.
A lot of times when I domeditation now, I do it in the
morning.
A lot of people say you shouldmeditate in the morning or at
(21:23):
night, when your brain is morereceptive to taking in the truth
of what you're hearing.
And so a lot of times in themorning when I wake up and I
realize I'm sort of awake, butnot already awake, I just grab
my phone, I turn on one and Iset my phone down, put it under
the pillow, so it's likeprojecting through the pillow,
and sometimes I do fall backasleep and that's fine.
And then sometimes I go sit onmy patio when it's warmer.
(21:43):
So now it's spring, it's aboutto be, it's starting to get warm
in Michigan, so I'll probablysit out there and I'll do just
15 minute silent meditations,nothing, just focusing on my
breath, and I'd like to actuallybuild that up.
I probably could do higher.
Now what I want you to knowover these last like seven or
eight years of this is that overtime, meditation has constantly
been there to heal me.
(22:04):
Over time, meditation hasconstantly been there to get me
through whatever trauma I wasfacing, and meditation has been
what's helped me to calm down,like learning how to do deep
breathing, like realdiaphragmatic deep breathing,
learning how to go inward,learning what was was
(22:25):
particularly hurting me so much,has been so invaluable.
And so, when I look at theselast I would say five years,
because 2020 was the year that Iwould identify that I started
perimenopause.
And for those of you who don'tknow, perimenopause really can
affect your brain.
It really affects pre-existingconditions.
If you have depression, chancesare your depression is going to
(22:45):
be worse If you're someone whostruggles with anxiety, if you
have PTSD or complex PTSD, whichcould be controversial but
low-key, I think all BlackAmericans have, and to some
extent In perimenopause it getsworse.
If you have ADHD, to someextent In perimenopause it gets
worse.
If you have ADHD inperimenopause it gets so much
worse.
Anything that affects yourbrain already having estrogen
(23:05):
spikes and depletions fucks withyour brain.
That has altered my life sosignificantly, like the
combination of having severedepression that got worse,
severe anxiety that got worse,like ADHD.
That was manageable for me.
My whole life became completelyunmanageable since, I would say,
(23:25):
2020 or so, 2019, 2020.
I haven't even been able tosince 2022, to hold down a full
time job.
Like it's been bad.
Y'all.
It's been really bad and I'mlike thinking back like what if?
What if?
In 2019, 2018, 2019, 2020, I hadnot started a meditation
(23:45):
practice right as I was headinginto perimenopause, I did not
know how bad it was going to get.
I had no idea how bad myanxiety could get that much
worse.
I had no idea that mydepression could get that much
worse.
I had no idea that I wouldbecome almost incapable of like
doing a basic to do list, which,honestly, is really what
(24:06):
happened in 2020 or 2019, 2020ish.
When I started perimenopause myADHD I realized this is not
manageable anymore.
I've had this my whole life butI've been cool.
Now I can't.
And meditation is what hascontinued to be the foundational
bedrock of me just being ableto survive at a basic level,
(24:27):
which really sounds really sad,but y'all, it's true.
So I mentioned this a fewepisodes ago, but in 2023, a
couple years ago, right aroundthis time I had extreme,
unaliving ideations and some ofit was situational, because I
was going through pretty, prettyextreme and dire poverty and I
just didn't know how to getmyself out of it and I felt like
(24:47):
I couldn't work at all, evenpart time, like that's how bad
my depression and anxiety were.
I think perimenopause wasmessing with my brain, but every
month around my cycle I reallywanted to unalive myself, but
there was a triggering event.
And I won't go into all of that.
But what I can say is that theonly times that I knew peace is
when I would just sit down andkind of like fall into a
(25:08):
meditative state and just letmyself experience the peace of
that moment.
And that's why now, when I lookback, I'm like what if I hadn't
had that?
Now I will say, as someone whoused to be a very gung-ho
evangelical Christian, I used topray a lot and I used to
actually practice somethingcalled practicing the presence
(25:28):
of God, which was basicallymeditation.
So sitting quietly and silentlyis something I have done since
I converted to Christianity whenI was 19, and praying for long
periods of time, like literallytelling God here is what I
praise you for, here is what Iconfess to you as my sins, here
is what I'm thankful for andhere is what I'm asking you for.
(25:51):
That was something I hadalready been used to doing and I
could do that for I mean, whenI was in college I would pray
for like 45 minutes to two hoursat a time, because I was just
that much of a little gung hoevangelical and I'm not laughing
at myself.
I actually love that.
I built a really strong prayerpractice.
I actually consider myself tobe a strong prayer.
And then I don't even rememberwhat years, but like between the
(26:12):
2010, 20, 2017 ish years, I hada spiritual director for a
little while and we wouldactually sit in silence together
.
I did silent retreats.
So I just want you to know thatmeditation as a kind of as a
secular practice outside of likemy faith and something else was
, it felt really different to methan when I used to be praying
(26:34):
and and I, like I said, I haddone some silent retreats.
I did a retreat once where Ididn't speak for a whole weekend
.
I went off to like a silentretreat center to literally not
speak.
We literally sat down and atemeals together and didn't say
anything to each other.
This was like.
This was like 2012.
And I had kind of gotten awayfrom that.
When I went through a divorce,my first divorce I was still
(26:55):
praying, but not like nearly aslong as I used to before, and it
just felt really different.
So I just want you to know,like I did have some practice
with silence, with mindfulness,with, you know, pursuing
serenity through connection to ahigher being, which I had done
before in prayer.
And then these past I would saypast eight or nine years this
(27:17):
has been more about connectingto myself, connecting to my body
, and I really think there is adifference, because when I was
praying, it was more like alonging for something.
I'm asking for something.
It's about this relationshipbetween me and God and I feel
like meditation right now isreally for me.
Now is really for me now isreally about the relationship
(27:39):
with myself and learning tolisten to myself, learning to
hear my inner voice, learning tolisten to my inner child,
learning to identify my shadowself and what's you know
subterranean thoughts behind theactions that I'm doing every
day, and it really is aboutconnecting with myself and also
teaching my body to calm downand that feels like a very
(28:00):
strong, stated goal, like thisis a goal of what I'm doing is
teaching my body that has PTSDand that is freaked out so
frequently For those of you whodon't know me like I am freaked
out so frequently, so often, sopowerfully, I really can't.
I don't watch anything that hasany tiny little bit of violence
(28:22):
in it at all.
If you walk by me and flick me,I'm going to jump and scream.
I'm just like one of thebiggest scaredy cats you'll ever
meet, but I'm also veryresilient, whatever the case may
be.
Meditation has taught me how tocalm this all down once it gets
started.
That's why I would never saylike, yeah, this is completely
fully healed me, but it's alsotaught me a lot about calming my
(28:48):
nervous system down.
I think the biggest thing Iwant you to see is that
meditation for me hasn't justbeen this dramatic earth
shattering one moment.
I mean I think outside of thatfirst time that I fell asleep on
the couch for, like you know,five hours in a cathartic state.
I do think that was healing formy body in a big earth
shattering way.
But other than that, it's beena thousand little steps on a
long ass journey of healing mybody and teaching my body like
(29:12):
you're okay and you're safe andthere is there is not a bear
around every corner.
I am so much more attuned to mybody now.
My body signals.
One thing that my ex-therapistmy last therapist, used to say
to me all the time is like whatis your body doing?
Become aware of your body atall times every day, when you're
on a date, when you're havingsex, when you're brushing your
(29:33):
teeth, when you're havingbreakfast, like, what is your
body telling you?
And I feel like the practice ofmeditation helped me to really
like hone in on that and reallyhave a big understanding of,
like, my body's warning signalsthat I've been ignoring all
along.
So that's been a huge, which isa big self-awareness thing, you
know, and self-awareness leadsto healing.
So it's kind of like all onthis journey.
(29:56):
So for my, for my sisters outhere, y'all, I just really
believe that meditation is areally powerful tool.
I think it's one that'sunderutilized in the black
community, particularly forwomen, because we have these
hormonal changes that areaffecting our mood every month,
and why not use every tool inthe toolbox to try to help us to
get through it?
You know what I'm saying.
So I'm wondering what are yourthoughts on meditation?
(30:18):
Have you ever tried it before?
What are your fears?
You know, drop it in thecomments, let me know.
Do you have any specificquestions?
This is just kind of like a bigoverview on meditation and how
it's changed my life, but Iwould love to actually at some
point get trained on how to leadmeditation.
I want to do meditationretreats like I really want to
go ham on helping otherexperience like the kind of like
(30:40):
peace and freedom that I'veexperienced from it.
Meditation is really a journeyof self discovery and I really
pray that you go on it.
This is one of the mostimportant things.
I really hope, like my podcastdoes, is to help women,
particularly black women,because that's just where my
heart is at.
To help us really learn how todiscover ourselves and heal from
within and realize, like we arethe woman that we've been
(31:02):
waiting for.
We are the person that we'vebeen waiting for and, honestly,
that you really are worthy ofpeace.
You're really worthy of apeaceful nervous system, a calm
nervous system, and we'redeserving of cultivating moments
of peace in our life.
And that's just not somethingthat's like celebrated or
shouted from the rooftops asmuch as it is like go live your
(31:23):
best life, go party, go, get,dig go.
You know all those things arefun too.
You know I also occasionally goparty, occasionally go get the.
You know the dangling, but Ican't believe.
I just said that y'all knowwhat I'm saying like, yes, but
it's just not as encouraged.
(31:44):
Like go sit your ass down andbe quiet and go calm your
nervous system, because that isbeneficial as well.
You know what I mean.
Finding your rhythm, the rhythmof life, is also beneficial.
It's as beneficial as going outfor walks and getting vitamin D
, you know, via the sunshine.
It's as beneficial as, likeworking out, working your
(32:05):
muscles.
It's as beneficial as doing allof these things that are really
good for us.
It's just one of the thingsthat I feel like it's just not
encouraged enough.
So, please, let me encourageyou.
There are so many apps.
There's so many guidedmeditations on YouTube that are
free.
Me encourage you.
There are so many apps.
There's so many guidedmeditations on YouTube that are
free.
There's so many resources forthis.
I will list below, like my topfavorite resources that I use
pretty much every day, but noneof these are special.
(32:28):
None of these are sponsors,none of these are affiliate
links.
It's just there's so many.
Choose any and get started.
Whatever makes you feel themost comfortable and works the
best for you, do it.
A quick little message from oursponsor, grace.
Actually, stories of love, faithloss and black womanhood.
And yes, this is written by me,grace, sandra.
If you like my stories and thekind of things I share, I
(32:48):
actually write about it, andthese are stories and blog posts
that I wrote in the last 10years or so on love, faith loss
and black womanhood.
You can pick it up from Amazonon a Kindle digital copy or you
can get a hard copy just likethis.
I've got all five-star reviews.
People seem to love it, andthis is just really the
beginning of my writing career,so go check it out.
Like I said before, I have asub-site called Out here
(33:09):
Thriving, so please sign up forthat If you really enjoyed this
podcast.
I'm really trying to grow andthat's one major way a podcast
can grow.
Also, subscribe here on YouTubeand boopity boop that like
button for me.
If you love me.
Leave me a comment.
Let me know what's yourfavorite episode, what you want
to hear about more, justanything.
I want to really grow this intoa community of women who look
(33:32):
out for each other and who aretrying to learn and grow
together.
You can follow me on all mysocials I'm at out here trying
to survive on both TikTok andInstagram and finally, join my
newsletter list on Substack.
You can also support thepodcast there if you want to
leave me a tip in the tip jar.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
You could be anywhere else andyou're here, and I do not take
that lightly.
I appreciate y'all and I'll seeyou guys in the next episode.
(33:54):
Bye.
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