May 22, 2025 • 42 mins
Have you ever watched a show that unexpectedly cracked your heart open? That's what happened when I watched Netflix's "Forever" - and I'm still processing all the feelings it brought up.
This adaptation of Judy Blume's 1975 novel follows two Black teenagers in 2018 Los Angeles through their experiences of first love. But what struck me most powerfully were the parents - particularly Justin's mother with her protective (sometimes "overbearing") love and his father with his perfect balance of firmness and unconditional acceptance. "You will never lose my love," he tells his son in one pivotal moment, and those words illuminated something I've been missing my entire life.
As someone raised by a white mother with paranoid schizophrenia and an absent Black father who later abused me, watching these functional, loving Black families on screen created an ache of recognition. I found myself wondering what it would have been like to grow up with that protection, that stability, that unconditional love. Not just theoretically, but specifically - what would my life trajectory have looked like with parents who could create safe spaces for me instead of spaces I needed to escape?
This isn't about claiming victimhood or staying stuck in grief. It's about acknowledging our specific wounds so we can heal them. For Black women especially, we're so often expected to be endlessly resilient without acknowledging our pain. But naming our losses matters. And healing happens when we learn to reparent ourselves - offering our inner children the protection, validation, and love they didn't receive.
What helps me most is building community with other Black women, pursuing therapy when needed, and focusing on relationships built on mutual respect rather than just chemistry. I'm learning to create the environment I longed for rather than looking for it elsewhere.
What small act of kindness or protection can you offer your inner child today? Remember - we can become the parents we wished we had, not just for our children, but for ourselves. Share your thoughts in the comments, and don't forget to subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Have y'all ever seen a TV show and it just like cuts
to the heart?
It just cuts to everything.
You're feeling.
Your heart is just exploding.
You're feeling so seen and sosad and so grateful at the same
time.
That's what I want to talkabout in today's episode.
Welcome to All you Tryna Survive.
All you Tryna Survive.
No, I can't say.
My friend came up with thatlittle tune.
(00:21):
We were going to record like anofficial intro with that like
sounding like that, and we neverdid and it's just still in my
head, so prepare to hear it moreoften.
Anyway, y'all, my name is GraceSandra.
I'm an activist, author, mom,podcaster, youtuber, tiktoker
and mental health advocate.
And this is All your Turn toSurvive.
(00:41):
Thank you for being here.
This podcast is a hope-orientedstorytelling space.
A warm hug of solidarity fromme to you and a celebration of
our resilience thus far and ourdetermination to not only
survive but thrive.
Welcome to episode 27.
(01:02):
So today I want to talk aboutthe new show on Netflix called
Forever.
I just thought it was so sweetand I thought that there were
some great lessons to pull outof it, especially for Black
women, and I want to talk aboutit.
But first a quick commercialbreak.
This episode is brought to youby Grace Actually.
Memoirs of Love, faith Loss andBlack Womanhood.
And yes, that's me.
This is my book.
(01:23):
I'm Grace Sander, the author.
You can get this available onAmazon on digital copy or for
your Kindle, which you can readon your phone or iPad, or you
can get a hard copy just likethis.
If you like the kind of storiesI tell, then you'll love this
book.
This was a collection of blogposts and reflections I wrote
over in five to eight year timeof life where I was reflecting a
lot on love, faith loss andblack womanhood.
(01:45):
Pick it up.
So today I want to talk aboutForever, this new show on
Netflix.
This will be spoiler free soyou don't have to worry If you
haven't seen it.
I will not give away any of themajor plot points or anything
like that.
So, if you don't know, foreveris an adaptation of a Judy Blume
book that was written in 1975.
And she wanted to writehonestly because I guess her
daughter at the time wanted toknow about things like sex and
(02:08):
all the kind of things in 1975.
I imagine people weren'ttalking about openly and
especially if it wasn't likesome big trauma situation.
So she wanted to write a bookthat was kind of stood out for
its time and they adapted it.
I never read the book, I neverheard of the book, so I don't
know anything about what thebook looked like in 1975,
written by a white woman, andwhat it was adapted to played by
an all black cast in 2025.
(02:30):
How many years later?
Is that 45 years?
I should know, because I wasborn in 76.
Okay, sorry, almost 50 yearslater.
That's insane.
But Forever on Netflix is set in2018, right at the height of
BLM and Trayvon Martin gettingunalived and, from what I have
read and other articles online,a love letter to LA.
(02:53):
So I'm from Detroit.
I've only ever been to LA a fewtimes, so I don't really know
about that aspect, but I cantell you that the way they did
the soundtrack, it was veryreminiscent of the soundtrack of
Insecure.
You know how the soundtrack onInsecure was just like it fit
the time, it fit the characters,it fit the people, just
(03:13):
everything fit.
That's how Forever is with thissoundtrack, like it's just
banging.
But also the actors in it werejust so perfectly cast just so
perfectly cast like you cannottell me.
I want to know if those two everdated, hooked up anything I
want to know.
But they were ever dated,hooked up, anything I want to
know.
But they were so perfecttogether.
Y'all, like you, can't tell methey weren't really in love.
You cannot tell me it was justreally really well done and you
get a good.
I think it was like 35 minute,eight 35 minute episodes.
(03:36):
It was like dang.
Thank you Netflix for beinggenerous, maybe because I watch
probably too many reality showsand I get used to these little
short snippet shows that don'treally go deep.
But they went deep.
I just felt so many thingswhile I was watching.
It related, with so many areasof it, back to my own high
school years and when I was inhigh school.
So I was born in 76.
So when I was in high school wedidn't have cell phones and
(03:58):
couldn't block each other.
There was no way to blockanyone.
I don't even think, because wehad landlines and I don't even
think you could block anotherperson's landline.
That just wasn't a thing, okay.
But I do remember when I waslike in 11th or 12th grade,
people were starting to havepagers.
I do remember that.
That created a certain dynamicin dating Because, like you know
(04:20):
, you could page someone amessage so that when you put in
the certain numbers, if you turnit upside down, it would read
something.
We had all sorts of things thatyou could figure out what it
meant if you turn the pagerupside down.
I do remember one time myboyfriend, when I was in like
11th or 12th grade, we were in abig fight and he was able to
write out on my pager come getme, I'm at the corner of Seven
(04:41):
Mile and Telegraph, I'm not evenkidding and I didn't respond.
Well, actually, you can'trespond.
You couldn't respond to a page.
Y'all these were differenttimes.
These were different times,like I know I'm talking about
prehistoric stuff.
I took too long and then Iremember him texting me ho, like
45 minutes later, and then Iactually did go pick him up and
(05:02):
then got into a huge fight.
So I probably should have justleft him there.
But y'all, it was just adifferent time, but still it's
interesting because technologychanges, but still the same kind
of angst and all of that camethrough.
But this is what set out to me.
I know forever has, from whatI've seen, just different
reviews and different peoplewriting about it.
It's created, you know, alittle, a little bit of a ripple
(05:23):
impact, because it's just sobeautifully done what I love.
Another thing I'll tell youwhat I love before I tell you
what hit me is that there's, youknow, the two.
It centers on these two blackfamilies Keisha Clark's her and
her mother and her father, wholoves her but is distant, and
then Justin and his black family, obviously, and from different
one is, I guess, lower class.
(05:45):
Keisha's family is lower classand Justin's family is upper
middle class.
But the entire thing does notcenter on the fact that they're
black, it's just.
It's just a story where theyhappen to be black and I think
that's a dynamic that people areliking a lot more, watching a
lot more, because the thing isis like, for me, as a black
woman, I don't always want tosee trauma every time.
(06:06):
I want to see our storycentered.
I know a lot of people feellike that.
You just want to see a storyand that's what Forever is.
So if you love a good blackdrama, go watch it.
But this was the part thatreally hit me.
When it starts, justin's mom isvery worried.
She's worried about her son.
She's worried about him being ablack man in America.
She's worried about the police,him being out, where is he at?
(06:30):
When is he coming home?
He's also neurodivergent and sothey kind of start the show
trying to paint her a little bitas like overbearing.
And there's times throughoutthe show where he, where he's
saying like my mom's doing themost, my mom is on one, my mom
is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
You know it's just kind of likethey're giving you that feel
that he thinks she's doing toomuch.
And then his dad, in contrast,is you can tell he's concerned
(06:54):
and he's, you know, obviouslywants the safety of his son.
But he's also really trying torespect the manhood of Justin
and Justin coming into his ownand Justin taking chances and
like living a little, justinhaving new experiences, but
being careful, making sure thatyou know when Justin is ready to
have sex, that he has a condom,even self going so far as
(07:14):
making sure that he knows how toput the condom on, not just in
the light, but like literallywith the lights off.
I thought that part washilarious making sure that he's
there for the girl that he's,that he's falling in love with,
and making sure that he knowswho he is.
And what got me about the showwas right away when it first
started.
I was just thinking about myexperience as a black woman but
(07:37):
being raised by a white mom, andit's not something I think
about a whole lot.
It's interesting because I wasjust having a conversation with
a guy friend about this,probably two or three weeks ago,
and he was asking me questionsabout what it meant for me, as a
biracial person who has a blackfather and a white mother, to
identify as a black womanexclusively.
Now, this guy who I was talkingto, he has a daughter who is
(08:00):
similar.
She has a black father and thenher mom is like white and
Latina, I think white and PuertoRican and so but he was saying
that his daughter identifies asboth Puerto Rican and as black
and as white, and almost he waskind of almost like trying to
pressure me to see it the wayhis daughter does.
And I'm like, first of all,your daughter's 18 years old,
like she's still learning whoshe is in the world Okay, like,
(08:23):
please, bro.
But also like biracial folks areallowed to see things
differently and have wildlydifferent experiences, and I was
like I think one of thedifferences that that I have
noticed about myself and otherbiracial people is that I had
access to a lot of racistnegativity coming from white
(08:43):
people from a very, very earlyage and so for me I kind of saw
them for what they were, atleast the ones who are racist,
very, very early on, whereasI've met a lot of other biracial
people.
They had really loving, healthyrelationships with a bunch of
white people, most of them,especially their family, their
whole life, and so it's kind ofeasier for them to identify that
(09:04):
way.
But for me I was always justkind of like when I was like
five or six years old, likedrawing my line in the sand,
like I don't want to be white orhave anything to do with y'all,
because all of y'all are somean to me and so horrible and
say such terrible things aboutblack people, and it just was
easy for me as a biracial kid tobe like, yeah, I'm not gonna
identify with that.
And it just started very youngand so I've never really
(09:26):
identified as a biracial person,not really.
A little bit in high school Ikind of had a phase and then,
like a little bit in college, Ihad a phase, but then I was like
, yeah, I don't identify as awhite person, I'm not living as
a white person.
I'm not being mistaken as awhite person I'm not getting the
perks of a white person.
I definitely get privilege likelight skinned, light skinned
(09:46):
privilege as a black woman.
I definitely get like lightskin, long hair, pretty girl
privilege as a black woman, butI'm not out here in these
streets living like a whitewoman.
Okay, so I'm on a little bit ofa tangent, but my whole point
is is that I was raised by awhite woman and I was raised in
a household with racist overtlynot covert, not hidden, not
(10:07):
silent overtly racist whitepeople, and all of my mom's side
of her family were like that.
And then I was being sent towhite schools that were racist
as well and I was attending achurch that was also racist.
So when I look at stories likethis and I see someone who was
raised so Justin was raised, youknow, with healthy black family
(10:27):
and he was sent to PWIs privatewhite institutions and he
expresses the frustration ofbeing at PWIs, how interesting
is that black family going toPWIs versus what I had of not
(10:48):
having been raised by my blackfamily or even see my black
family at all, because my dad Isaw him like sparingly up my
first 10 years and then he wentto prison and then I didn't have
any connection with him or hisfamily.
So for me it was just the ideaof like wow, I wonder what it
would be like to have a blackmom.
That was my first thought.
Like, what an interesting idea.
(11:11):
Is just something I've neverexperienced as a biracial woman
who identifies as black.
To think, wow, I wonder whatthat would be like.
And I found myself feelingsomewhat jealous of Justin's
situation, because she wasoverbearing, because she was
known, as you know, being on onelike doing too much.
And it was like it was easierfor me to see, obviously, as a
48 year old woman who has a kidthe same age as Justin.
Literally my son just finishedup his freshman year of college
(11:35):
and Justin was, you know, asenior going into his freshman
year of college, and so, as amom, it was easy for me to see,
like what she's doing is right,what she's doing is good, like,
yeah, she's a little bit, alittle bit overbearing, yeah,
she's a little bitoverprotective, but he needs
that and I needed that and Idefinitely didn't have that.
And just for those of you whodon't know me, my backstories.
My mom was a paranoidschizophrenic.
(11:56):
She's gone now, but when I wasin high school, my mom was
really getting worse and worseand worse, and when I was in
college she had a completefucking mental break.
Okay, so all of those yearswhen I was coming into my own
like for between 14 and 19 and20, my mom was really, really
losing, and I was the only oneliving with her at the time, and
(12:17):
so she was not protectivebecause she was trying to
survive herself.
She was not present, she wasnot available.
My mom was kind and she lovedme, but there was definitely
some neglect, you know, justfrom her having a mental illness
.
Not because I'm trying to judgeher, I promise you I'm not
judging my mama.
I loved my mom.
I think she did the best shecan as someone with a very
severe mental illness.
(12:37):
Like paranoid schizophrenia isnot a little Thing, it's a big,
big problem, and she was causinga lot of problems for herself
and for all her children, notjust me and so when I was in
high school, I was just out heredoing whatever the hell I
wanted to do because my mom wasmentally ill.
You know, I was out all night.
I was making horrible choices.
I was around so many peoplethat could have hurt me.
I definitely could have beenkilled in so many different
(12:58):
situations like I.
Just it's just God's grace thatI survived that time because I
had her car that I was stealingsometimes, and then she got me
my own car like a brand new car,and then I was, you know, had
even more freedom to get intomore problems.
And it's not like I had thisgreat home training where it was
like, you know, I had all ofthis.
(13:19):
You know, sometimes like youraise people who raise a kid
responsibly, then by the timethey're 14, they're like they
know what to do, they know howto take care of themselves, they
know how to handle themselves.
I didn't.
I was out here acting a wholefool, okay.
So when I look at what Justin'smom was doing, I felt that pain
of sadness like, wow, I wish Ihad had that.
I wonder where I would be if Ihad had a mom who was caring for
(13:42):
me like that.
So I'm just curious if anybodyelse kind of got that and saw
that as you watched it.
And then the other thing wasJustin's dad.
Oh man, justin's dad is the dadwe all want.
He is the cool dad that we allwant.
First of all, he's super cute.
I mean that doesn't matter, butI guess it mattered for his
(14:02):
wife.
But he was super cute, he wasloving, kind, firm when he
needed to be, and he wassuccessful, you know, has
provided a really nice life forthem, like the house the house
was gorgeous, like this gorgeous, beautiful, well decorated
house.
And then they spend theirsummers in Martha's Vineyard on
the black side.
(14:23):
They spend their summers inMartha's Vineyard on the black
side Like okay, thank you, sir,for providing for your family
like this.
But the kind of things that hesaid to Justin.
There's one particularlypoignant scene when Justin is
going to take his new car outand he grills him about what to
do if he gets stopped by thepolice and Justin goes through
the list of what he's supposedto do and then his dad is just
(14:44):
like you know, take her here,have this time, respond
immediately when we text you andthen be back by, I think,
midnight.
So it was boundaries and it wasfirmness, it was clear
direction and he still lets himgo and he knows what to do in
case he's in trouble.
There's so many other scenesthroughout where Justin's dad is
so loving, but you also know,like, don't fuck with him.
(15:07):
There's this other scene wherehe, justin, is telling them
something hard and then he sayssomething like I hope that I'm
not a disappointment to you orlose your love.
I forgot how he worded it andhis dad just said immediately
you will never lose my love.
Y'all.
I'm not crying right now, butit definitely got me teary eyed.
(15:30):
That's the black dad we all wishwe had.
That's the black dad that weall wish we had, someone who can
give us kindness and softness,someone who will always be a
safe place for Justin to land,like if they were real.
We know that.
Someone who cares enough aboutnot just his son but his son's
(15:50):
girlfriend to be like hey, letme teach you how to be a good
man to your girlfriend.
There was just so many thingsabout him that it was just like.
You know, I'm single, right?
So if that man existed in theworld, hey, hi, I'm Grace, call
me okay, because seriously, ohseriously.
(16:11):
I think I just wanted to takethis opportunity to both
normalize and validate for us asblack women, like just how both
healing it can be to see thisplayed out on a, on a television
screen, but also like how itmakes us feel some kind of way
because we recognize we didn'thave that and I forgot to
mention.
But also they're a family unit,like they were literally
(16:32):
married and happy and the waythe show showed them they're in
love, they like being together.
They showed them they likestill having sex, they're still.
They still out here getting itin.
They still out here having funparties and smoking weed with
their, their friends, their ownage, you know, and they're still
a joined family unit.
I think sometimes the sadness ofthat never really goes away.
(16:56):
I mean, tell me if I'm wrong,y'all, but like as someone from
a broken family, I mean myparents were never married.
Actually my dad was married tosomeone else when he found out
that he got my mom pregnant andthen he tried to marry her too.
Like they literally went downto the courthouse and this
motherfucker tried to actuallymarry my mom while he was
legally married to someone else.
Like what the fuck bro?
What the actual fuck.
(17:17):
But you know, I got to give itto my mom because she broke up
with him and he was never ableto get her back.
And I know this because onetime I found an entire drawer.
I mean a drawer that my momkept of all his like love
letters and cards and flowersthat she had dried out and it
was like it was a stack, likepretty sizable y'all.
(17:38):
So for those for my audible,only listening people, it was,
like you know, two trapperkeepers full of letters on
letters.
And don't forget that was 1976.
Ok, so there was no, there wasno pages, no phones, no internet
, no email, no, nothing.
The nigga was just writingletters trying to get my mom
back and I read some of them andhe was apologizing to him how
(18:00):
he's gonna get his divorce andblah, blah, blah, and just so
you know, I don't think that heever got that divorce.
I think he might have diedmarried to her.
I should check, I should factcheck, because I really don't
know, but I'm pretty sure henever actually left that woman.
I was just trying to say I justgot to give my mom props for
being like nah, nigga, you was,you was married, I'll do this
myself, I'll raise this babymyself anyway, and then he ended
(18:21):
up abusing me and going toprison for it.
She was right to try to getaway from him, but anyway, my
whole point is, I think a lot ofus really carry that internal
burden of just wanting a safeplace to land and for me, that's
something that I have alwayshad this like particular sadness
about, about the kind of home Iwas raised in and what I did
(18:42):
and didn't have as I've movedthrough this journey and tried
to heal, is just this sadness oflike well, I never have really
had a safe place to land witheither parent Because, like I
said, my mom, my dad, abused me.
He went to prison.
My mom was gone by the time Iwas 11, I probably the roles
switched 11 or 12, where Istarted parenting her.
And so when I see stuff likethis, it just hits it.
(19:03):
Just it hits at a hard core fora little vulnerable place in me
.
I've come a long way.
I think 10, 15 years ago Iprobably would have been sobbing
my eyes out seeing some ofthose scenes.
I think this time it was moreof like a balm, like, oh, I know
that this exists even morenowadays.
I know that there's many morehealthy, loving Black families,
(19:27):
which I just love.
So, yeah, it created a bomb andnot created a wound, but I
definitely felt the wound.
Just curious, did y'all feellike this.
When you watched it, please letme know in the comments.
I also think there's thefinancial aspect too.
Honestly, this is more of adiscussion of just kind of
normalizing the unspoken, likeloneliness and sadness that can
(19:48):
come from realizing what youdidn't have.
I want to make it okay to talkabout it because so many people
are just like you're claimingvictimhood.
People get really upset if youstop to say what you're actually
sad about sometimes.
But I actually think it's okayto identify it.
There's no way that I wouldencourage anyone like oh yeah,
completely, stay in a victimmindset, stay a victim, stay,
(20:12):
you know, dwelling on thingsthat didn't go right.
But I am definitely one ofthose people who will say you
should definitely take a minuteto figure out what you're sad
about, get it out and practiceradical acceptance and move
forward.
But I think sometimes we're veryquick to not even let ourselves
figure out what we're sad about, and with specificity.
I definitely think for me, thebiggest way that I've healed,
(20:35):
and for those of y'all who areon this healing journey, is I
have learned how to figure outwhat I'm sad about with
specificity.
Because the reason why so manypeople turn to, you know,
drinking, numbing themselves outwith weed or whatever.
And again, no judgment.
I'm never going to judge anyoneon how they choose to cope and
medicate to get through thislife, because Lord Jesus.
(20:57):
But I'm just saying I thinkpart of the reason that we try
to numb and I know this from myown life is because sometimes we
don't even know what we'renumbing.
It's like how can you get tothe bottom of what you're sad
about if you haven't actuallytaken the time or figured out in
any way whether that's throughtherapy or even allowing
yourself those uncomfortablefeelings to know what the hell
(21:18):
you got to heal from?
So you're just like, I'm sad, Ifeel depressed, I'm going to
numb.
I just want to have space to sayit's really okay to like, look
at shows like this and identifyhmm, there's a lot of historical
oppression and economicdisparities and structural
racism that has impacted deeplyBlack families.
(21:39):
I mean, that's base levelknowledge, right, base level
knowledge.
But it's okay to say like and,as a result, you know our
parenting situation was messedup.
Or, for example, you know allof the our black men that were
murdered 125 years ago andlynched and stolen from us and
then lost to the industrialprison system for the last what?
(22:02):
50, 60 years at disproportionalrates.
It's just.
I think it's okay to say welooking at these black families
in forever and just like, yeah,wow, a lot of us didn't have
that and there's some sadnessthat we feel about that and this
is an ache.
This is an ache, and it feelslike something that can't be
(22:24):
fixed and that's really fuckedup and sad.
So, yeah, I just want tolegitimize the loss.
If you feel it, I feel it toosad.
So, yeah, I just want tolegitimize the loss If you feel
it.
I feel it too.
If you feel that sadness oflike oh, I didn't have whatever
it is, like you know, parentswho could afford anything for me
.
I didn't have parents that weretogether, or I didn't have a
mom that was overbearing at all,like in my situation, or
whatever it might be.
It's not about being ungratefulfor what you do have, it's just
(22:47):
recognizing and acknowledging.
Damn, not having family reallyfucking hurts.
It really, really, really hurts.
And as much healing and work asI've done in the past, I don't
know that that's something thatI'm ever going to fully get
through.
And I'm twice divorced.
I really thought at some point,like whoever I marry will
become my new family.
(23:08):
Both my marriages didn't workout and the last one crashed and
burned.
It was literally terrible.
That man traumatized the hellout of me and I really thought,
obviously before I married him,that he was going to be my new
family.
And so when you're in theposition like I am and I don't
know if a lot of you are whereyou're divorced and you just
don't have family or connectedfamily at all, it can really
(23:30):
feel so major, like almostunbearable, and I don't feel
like that right now.
I feel like, oh, yeah, yeah,I'm going to get through it,
I'll be fine.
You know, I create family withmy friendships and my community
and things like that.
But when I see stuff like this,it just takes the knife and just
stabs it, stabs it in Grief,definitely recycles at different
life stages.
I think it looked like onething when I was getting married
(23:53):
and my dad wasn't there.
He was out of prison but therewas no way that I was going to
invite him To my wedding.
He wasn't sorry.
Even when he got out he wasn'tsorry.
He didn't act like he was sorry, he was mean about it.
It was terrible and there wassome grief there.
You know, there was grief afterI had my second child and
realized my dad is never goingto meet my kids.
(24:13):
I think by that point he wasalready gone.
Oh, actually, no, that's nottrue.
It was my first child.
My dad was gone.
He was dead before my firstchild was born and I remember
thinking, oh, he's never goingto meet them, they're never
going to know their only blackgrandfather, their only black
grandfather, and that's both agood thing and a bad thing.
You know, there's some careermilestones, there's just things
(24:35):
that I feel sadness about, thatI don't have any family,
particularly my black family, tocelebrate with me or to mourn
with me.
More with those who mourn thatkind of thing, there are certain
aspects that still kind oflinger.
Has that ever happened to you?
It's interesting too, because Ithink that watching this episode
(24:55):
brought up a little bit of myinner child wounds, and I
recently talked about innerchild healing in one of my
episodes like three ago I thinkand then I talked about it early
on when I first started thispodcast because, as someone who
has a high trauma background,inner child healing work has
been really significant for me.
When I watch shows like thisand I can feel that pain of
(25:19):
sadness, like almost likeknocking at my door, I can tell
that little inner Gracie is justlike oh yeah, I wanted that
validation that he got thatJustin got from his dad.
You know, I wanted thatprotection that Justin got from
his mom.
The you know, the little littleinner Gracie is kind of like oh
, look at that unconditionallove, like damn, that would have
(25:40):
been really nice.
And man, the unlimitedresources would have been really
really nice.
Now I'm only talking aboutJustin, keisha Clark also, who
was the other character.
She also had a very lovingmother and she was struggling
and I don't want to downplay inany way the impact that she had
on her daughter because she wasalso a very loving, protective,
(26:03):
doting mother who was workingtwo jobs to try to afford a
private school for Keisha, andshe was an amazing mother too.
So I don't want to kind ofdownplay that.
I think I'm just focusing onthe feelings that I felt
specifically I got from thesituation with Justin's parents
In order to really heal fromthis stuff.
I do understand that we have totry to understand what our
(26:24):
parents went through.
We have to understand ourparents journey and find empathy
for them, because they werehumans just doing the best they
could.
And you know, honestly, as amom, and I just think about when
my kids are older I really hopethey're like damn, my mom was
out here fighting for her life.
She was trying as hard as shepossibly could to provide the
best life for us.
But and I know that my kids arenot enduring the same level of
(26:48):
trauma and traumatic experiencesthat I was not in any way, and
I thank God for that literallyalmost every day, because that
is one of my primary things thatI've wanted to do as a mom is
to break generational curses andstop all of this cycles of
abuse as best I can, as best Ipossibly can, as someone who is
(27:10):
notably still struggling withall of the trauma that I went
through in my childhood, evenwith years of therapy,
willingness to heal, a desire todo better, trying my hardest,
everything.
I mean I just have really beenout here and the fact that I'm
still struggling sometimes withsome of this stuff is like son
of a bitch.
Struggling sometimes with someof this stuff is like son of a
(27:32):
bitch.
What in the world?
So when I look at my kids, I'mjust grateful that I know
they're not experiencing thesame trauma All of us do have to
understand.
You know, our parents were alsonavigating unhealed trauma and
at least if we can understandtheir context it can dampen some
of the pain that we might feel.
Now I'm not saying that we'rejust supposed to say, well, they
(27:53):
did the best they could, yourparents did the best they could,
so get over it.
Your parents did the best theycould versus whatever they did
was still harmful, is a verydelicate balance and I think it
requires a lot of nuance and Ithink if we can learn to juggle
that a little bit, it can reallyhelp us heal and come to terms.
So that's what I've had to dowith with both my parents, with
(28:15):
my mom, who it took me a lot ofyears to forgive Her at all and
really understand like this wasa mental illness, but I was
angry.
You know.
What you hear now is I love mymom, I'm grateful for her, but
when she was alive I was justreally angry and sad and mad and
and for a lot of years I hatedher, didn't want to be around
her at all.
There was a good number ofyears that I just this is going
to sound so bad, but it's reallytrue.
(28:37):
So I'm just going to be honestwith y'all.
But I just couldn't wait untilshe died because the pain was so
acute in her going on livingfor so long while just kind of
the backstories that we thoughtshe was going to die for a while
because she just kept havingrandom things that the doctor
was like, oh yeah, it's not long, and it just ended up being
like six or seven more years andthat whole time.
(28:59):
It's really hard to explainbecause I haven't processed this
fully, but I just was still soangry and hurt and sad and
trying really hard to get overand get through it.
But with her being alive andstill doing shitty shit as
someone who is a paranoidschizophrenic, and then she
developed dementia.
So you know, people with mentalillnesses like that especially
get older.
(29:19):
They're really mean.
It can be really very, verypainful.
If you've never, if you'venever had that happen with an
elderly person that you loveplease don't judge me or anyone
else it's extremely painful towatch people you love turn into
literal demons, because I thinkthose kind of mental illnesses
are in some way demonic.
(29:41):
But I really hard for me to getto where I am now, where I'm
like I understand how much hermental illness was impacting her
her whole life and how muchthat impacted the kind of parent
that she was for me.
And now I can be like I reallylove her, even really miss her,
sometimes, just a little bit,just a little bit.
(30:02):
But, man, my relationship withmy mom is hella complicated, but
with my dad I still don'treally understand why he did
what he did to me sexually.
But I can only assume thatthat's what he went through when
he was a kid.
I can only assume that that'sall he knew.
It's hard for me to reconcilelike and just be like.
(30:22):
Yeah, he did the best he couldlike.
That's your best, bro, that wasyour best.
But at the same time Iacknowledge the shit was harmful
.
It really fucked up my life.
It fucked up my sexuality insome ways.
It fucked up my relationship tomen in a lot of ways For all of
these years and I'm stillworking through it, still
(30:42):
working through it at my big ageof 48, but whatever the case
may be, I have Released thembecause I do understand that
when you hold unforgiveness andbitterness it's literally like
the popular quote that you'veheard it's like drinking rat
poison and hoping that the otherperson gets poisoned.
It's just literally poisoningyou.
(31:03):
And there's lots of scientificstudies nowadays that holding
bitterness lots of scientificstudies nowadays, nowadays, that
you know, holding bitterness,anger, unforgiveness, all of
that is low vibration energy inyour body and low vibration
energy causes sickness.
It literally causes illness.
This is not rocket science, isan established science now.
So don't hold bitterness andunforgiveness and anger in your
(31:25):
heart.
Even for the people whotraumatized you, release them
because you're not hurting themby holding in your heart.
Even for the people whotraumatized you, release them
because you're not hurting themby holding in your heart.
You calling them a son of abitch in your journal every day
for 10 years is not hurting them.
So, like I said in my otherepisode about inner child
healing, the best thing that wecan do is learn to reparent
ourselves.
And I was reminded that when Iwatched Forever.
Like the best thing that I cando honestly to heal a part of me
(31:48):
and heal that little innerGracie that was like really
looking at them and like longingfor those kind of parents is to
reparent myself with all ofthat, all of that protection,
all of that setting boundariesand the nurturing and the
foresight, and also anotherthing that I can do completely
practically is provide that formy own kids as best as I can,
(32:08):
which I'm already trying to do,but I'm imperfect.
It is the power of theconscious choice, and that is
what I wanted to bring to youtoday.
From watching forever, is wenow have a conscious choice to
say, oh, I love seeing all ofthat.
How can I be that for me?
How can I be that for otherpeople?
How can I be that for my littleniece or little nephew or
(32:29):
little cousin who doesn't have,you know, parents who are at all
protective or protecting themout here in this cold world?
And this is just a friendlyreminder y'all that we have to
build our own communities.
Not all family is blood.
We all know that.
Yes, blood is thicker thanwater, but sometimes you ain't
got no blood.
I mean, in my situation, Idon't have anybody in my family
(32:50):
who is blood related that I'mremotely close to at all.
Everybody who in my family thatI'm blood related to, I'm kind
of like loosely connectedacquaintances at that at best.
I think it's really, reallyimportant for us to invest in
our friendships with other blackwomen.
I cannot emphasize that enough.
I really try to work hard.
To be sure I'm hanging aroundwith pursuing loving, caring for
(33:13):
, spending on just involvingmyself fully with other black
women in the black communitybecause it's just so important I
think for us as black women tohave that and to figure it out.
And it won't always work.
I feel like in these last threeyears I've lost.
In these last three years I'velost actually three or four
years I've lost three blackwomen in my life who I was close
to.
I've never really had thathappen like that, where, yeah,
(33:40):
I'm just, I use.
Most of my friendships are long, like once I gain a friend I
keep that friend for life.
But in these three situationsit just didn't work out and so
one of them I talked about in adifferent episode which I'll
post here.
But two of the other ones is along story y'all.
But I still have other blackwomen in my life who I pursue
and love and try to prioritizein terms of friendships over men
(34:01):
and over everybody else I meanobviously not over my kids.
But y'all just make sure you'rein community where you feel seen
and loved and felt andcelebrated.
Just make sure that that's apriority for you.
Make sure that when you'repursuing connections with
romantic interests.
For those of you who aren't,who aren't hetero, it doesn't
matter who you're pursuingconnections with, like if it's
(34:22):
not built on love and mutualrespect, you know, mutual
consistency and mutualreciprocation, like it's
probably not going to be whatyou need, regardless of
chemistry, regardless offeelings, regardless of great
sex, regardless of anything.
And that's one thing I havereally really learned like there
can be a lot of good thingsgoing on, that the sex can be
bomb, you can have amazingchemistry, you can have a lot of
stuff going on, but if there isnot a mutual foundational
(34:46):
respect of I care for you andrespect you as a friend and I'm
giving you reciprocal respectand connection, it's not good
for me.
It's just not good enough.
It's literally just not goodenough.
So just keep that in mind,y'all Keep that in mind.
Black women are so resilient, weare so empathetic, we have so
(35:06):
much self-awareness, we have avery deep capacity for love and
we are out here breakinggenerational curses, and that's
a beautiful thing.
So, as you forge your own path,just be cognizant that you are
creating the environment thatyou longed for.
You know and I have to keepthat in mind, like every time I
de-center men in my life andre-center myself, make myself my
(35:28):
own priority and re-center allof my women, friendships, my
children, even my dreams and mypassions, or my hobbies, like
even this podcast.
That is a way that I amcreating that kind of
environment that I saw inforever, that I loved, one that
is protective and beautiful andreally was both Keisha's home
(35:48):
and Justin's home a safe placefor them, even though you know
their parents weren't perfectand there were challenges, but
it was a safe place for them.
That's what I want for myselfand for my kids.
So, yeah, this episode or notthis episode, the whole series
just gave me so much to thinkabout.
What does reparenting ourselveslook like for you?
You know, that's that's onething that it made me think
about.
And how can I be the kind ofparents that I saw in the show
(36:09):
that I really want to be for mykids?
That was just a big thing forme.
It's like I want to think moreintentionally as my kids get
older.
I have a 19 and a half year old, a 14 and a half year old and a
almost nine year old in just afew weeks here, and so I still
have quite a bit of time to helpthem and mold them and prepare
them for this world.
(36:30):
Not so much my oldest, but youknow.
Here's a journal question foryou.
What small act of kindness canyou offer your inner child today
?
What small act of protectioncan you offer your inner child
today?
What's one thing that you cando to show her that you love her
and you care for her?
And you know y'all?
If all else fails, go totherapy.
Yeah, girl, I just actuallystarted therapy again.
(36:51):
I started back for the firsttime in.
I think it's been two yearssince I've been in therapy.
I actually had to stop becauseI was three years ago I left a
full time job so I lost myinsurance and then for a little
while I was paying on a slidingscale because I had Medicaid and
then he stopped accepting thatMedicaid and so it just felt
(37:13):
like we, if I look we were kindof at a natural stopping place
anyway, because he had seen methrough leaving an abusive
marriage, domestic violence, hehad done EMDR with me, he had
really saved my life in big, bigways.
But it felt like we were kindof coming to the end of our
therapeutic relationship anyway,just as my Medicaid was ending
with that particular company andI couldn't afford to keep
(37:33):
seeing him without any sort ofinsurance.
So I was like you know, I'mdoing pretty good, I'm feeling
pretty good, so I stopped andyou know I've had some crazy,
crazy times with mental healthin the last couple years, so I
don't know if it was a goodthing, but I just never picked
it back up, in part because ofADHD Not even kidding like being
unable to organize.
My life has been a struggle.
(37:54):
But earlier this year I wentthrough some things.
I had a dating relationship andwhere it was just so painful I
just felt so humiliated by thisman and so surprised and I had
so much cognitive dissonanceabout how he ended it.
It was sad, really, really sad.
And then, like a few monthslater, I dated someone for just
(38:18):
a week and that week ended upbeing really hard on me and I
actually did an episode aboutthat which I will post right
here if you want to.
I did a whole episode aboutwhat happened in that week and
why it led me to get realspecific about my healing.
And I really think that weekcaused me so much pain because I
had never really healed fromwhat happened in February, in
(38:40):
the end of that dating situation.
That just really took me out.
So I decided I have to go backto therapy.
I just have to, I just have to,I just have to.
I was like I really need tofigure out once and for all what
these issues are that's keepingme.
You know, you know they say youwon't change till it hurts
enough.
Baby, baby.
It hurt enough that whathappened with those two hurt
(39:03):
enough.
And it wasn't even liketerrible choices, it was just me
dating.
It wasn't like and if you knewit, you know and my friends knew
who these men were that itwasn't even like terrible
choices, it was just me dating.
It wasn't like and if you knew,you know, and my friends knew
who these men were that itwasn't like oh my God, why would
you choose such horrible,terrible men?
It wasn't like that.
These were the men thateverybody was like yeah, these
are good guys, these are, theseare the good ones, these are the
ones you, these are the kind ofguys you shouldn't be dating.
And still, for me to be so hurtand so devastated, I was like I
(39:29):
gotta get therapy stats.
So I looked for a new therapistand I literally just started
and we are going to kind ofdelve into my past a little bit
more.
And I told him like I think I'mfinally ready to really maybe
fully fully look into my fatherwounds of abandonment, because I
(39:51):
don't think I had ever, I don'tknow.
I've definitely done healingstuff around my dad but the
abandonment wounding is comingup a lot lately, a lot.
So I told him I was like let's,let's deal with abandonment
wounding, let's face this.
Yeah, we're actually going tobe reading through this book by
(40:13):
Gabriel Mate, the Myth of Normal.
I'll link it below if you'recurious.
But he was like that book islife changing.
I love Gabriel Mate, I talkabout him.
I feel like I bring up GabrielMate in every episode.
So I have watched a lot ofpodcasts where he's talked about
it, but I've never actuallyread the book.
So I'm going to actually getthe book and read it.
I just bring that up to say likeyou don't have to navigate big
feelings alone.
Therapy has been so good for meand I actually have really good
(40:35):
friendships.
I have good girlfriends who twoof my good girlfriends are
licensed clinicalpsychotherapists and therapy
still been really good for me tohave a place.
So just don't be isolated.
Let me just read to you anaffirmation, and if you would
just close your eyes, if you'renot driving, take a deep breath
and listen to this affirmationRemember you are deserving of
(40:56):
deep, unconditional love, evenif it didn't come from where you
expected.
You have the power to cultivateit within yourself and attract
it into your life.
You are a source of love andyou can love yourself fully and
unconditionally.
Thank you for joining me today.
I really appreciate it.
(41:17):
Please take care of yourself,please nurture that beautiful
soul of yours and don't forgetto follow me on all the socials.
I'm on TikTok at out heretrying to survive.
Youtube out here trying tosurvive.
My sub stack is out herethriving and even though I am
struggling to get that started,follow along, because I'm going
to.
I swear to goodness, I'm goingto.
And if you would please likethis episode, give me a like
(41:39):
please.
If you enjoy it, go to ApplePodcasts and leave me a review
on Apple Podcasts, as I'm justreally just.
This is really just gettingstarted in terms of podcast,
even though this is episode 27.
Apparently, you know you needup to 100 episodes before you
really doing a damn thing.
So please review me on Applepodcast.
That would help me so much.
Y'all could be anywhere, butyou're here and I'm so grateful
(42:01):
for that.
So thank you so much forlistening and I will see y'all
in the next episode.
Bye.
Have y'all ever seen a TV show and it just like cuts
to the heart?
It just cuts to everything.
You're feeling.
Your heart is just exploding.
You're feeling so seen and sosad and so grateful at the same
time.
That's what I want to talkabout in today's episode.
Welcome to All you Tryna Survive.
All you Tryna Survive.
No, I can't say.
My friend came up with thatlittle tune.
(00:21):
We were going to record like anofficial intro with that like
sounding like that, and we neverdid and it's just still in my
head, so prepare to hear it moreoften.
Anyway, y'all, my name is GraceSandra.
I'm an activist, author, mom,podcaster, youtuber, tiktoker
and mental health advocate.
And this is All your Turn toSurvive.
(00:41):
Thank you for being here.
This podcast is a hope-orientedstorytelling space.
A warm hug of solidarity fromme to you and a celebration of
our resilience thus far and ourdetermination to not only
survive but thrive.
Welcome to episode 27.
(01:02):
So today I want to talk aboutthe new show on Netflix called
Forever.
I just thought it was so sweetand I thought that there were
some great lessons to pull outof it, especially for Black
women, and I want to talk aboutit.
But first a quick commercialbreak.
This episode is brought to youby Grace Actually.
Memoirs of Love, faith Loss andBlack Womanhood.
And yes, that's me.
This is my book.
(01:23):
I'm Grace Sander, the author.
You can get this available onAmazon on digital copy or for
your Kindle, which you can readon your phone or iPad, or you
can get a hard copy just likethis.
If you like the kind of storiesI tell, then you'll love this
book.
This was a collection of blogposts and reflections I wrote
over in five to eight year timeof life where I was reflecting a
lot on love, faith loss andblack womanhood.
(01:45):
Pick it up.
So today I want to talk aboutForever, this new show on
Netflix.
This will be spoiler free soyou don't have to worry If you
haven't seen it.
I will not give away any of themajor plot points or anything
like that.
So, if you don't know, foreveris an adaptation of a Judy Blume
book that was written in 1975.
And she wanted to writehonestly because I guess her
daughter at the time wanted toknow about things like sex and
(02:08):
all the kind of things in 1975.
I imagine people weren'ttalking about openly and
especially if it wasn't likesome big trauma situation.
So she wanted to write a bookthat was kind of stood out for
its time and they adapted it.
I never read the book, I neverheard of the book, so I don't
know anything about what thebook looked like in 1975,
written by a white woman, andwhat it was adapted to played by
an all black cast in 2025.
(02:30):
How many years later?
Is that 45 years?
I should know, because I wasborn in 76.
Okay, sorry, almost 50 yearslater.
That's insane.
But Forever on Netflix is set in2018, right at the height of
BLM and Trayvon Martin gettingunalived and, from what I have
read and other articles online,a love letter to LA.
(02:53):
So I'm from Detroit.
I've only ever been to LA a fewtimes, so I don't really know
about that aspect, but I cantell you that the way they did
the soundtrack, it was veryreminiscent of the soundtrack of
Insecure.
You know how the soundtrack onInsecure was just like it fit
the time, it fit the characters,it fit the people, just
(03:13):
everything fit.
That's how Forever is with thissoundtrack, like it's just
banging.
But also the actors in it werejust so perfectly cast just so
perfectly cast like you cannottell me.
I want to know if those two everdated, hooked up anything I
want to know.
But they were ever dated,hooked up, anything I want to
know.
But they were so perfecttogether.
Y'all, like you, can't tell methey weren't really in love.
You cannot tell me it was justreally really well done and you
get a good.
I think it was like 35 minute,eight 35 minute episodes.
(03:36):
It was like dang.
Thank you Netflix for beinggenerous, maybe because I watch
probably too many reality showsand I get used to these little
short snippet shows that don'treally go deep.
But they went deep.
I just felt so many thingswhile I was watching.
It related, with so many areasof it, back to my own high
school years and when I was inhigh school.
So I was born in 76.
So when I was in high school wedidn't have cell phones and
(03:58):
couldn't block each other.
There was no way to blockanyone.
I don't even think, because wehad landlines and I don't even
think you could block anotherperson's landline.
That just wasn't a thing, okay.
But I do remember when I waslike in 11th or 12th grade,
people were starting to havepagers.
I do remember that.
That created a certain dynamicin dating Because, like you know
(04:20):
, you could page someone amessage so that when you put in
the certain numbers, if you turnit upside down, it would read
something.
We had all sorts of things thatyou could figure out what it
meant if you turn the pagerupside down.
I do remember one time myboyfriend, when I was in like
11th or 12th grade, we were in abig fight and he was able to
write out on my pager come getme, I'm at the corner of Seven
(04:41):
Mile and Telegraph, I'm not evenkidding and I didn't respond.
Well, actually, you can'trespond.
You couldn't respond to a page.
Y'all these were differenttimes.
These were different times,like I know I'm talking about
prehistoric stuff.
I took too long and then Iremember him texting me ho, like
45 minutes later, and then Iactually did go pick him up and
(05:02):
then got into a huge fight.
So I probably should have justleft him there.
But y'all, it was just adifferent time, but still it's
interesting because technologychanges, but still the same kind
of angst and all of that camethrough.
But this is what set out to me.
I know forever has, from whatI've seen, just different
reviews and different peoplewriting about it.
It's created, you know, alittle, a little bit of a ripple
(05:23):
impact, because it's just sobeautifully done what I love.
Another thing I'll tell youwhat I love before I tell you
what hit me is that there's, youknow, the two.
It centers on these two blackfamilies Keisha Clark's her and
her mother and her father, wholoves her but is distant, and
then Justin and his black family, obviously, and from different
one is, I guess, lower class.
(05:45):
Keisha's family is lower classand Justin's family is upper
middle class.
But the entire thing does notcenter on the fact that they're
black, it's just.
It's just a story where theyhappen to be black and I think
that's a dynamic that people areliking a lot more, watching a
lot more, because the thing isis like, for me, as a black
woman, I don't always want tosee trauma every time.
(06:06):
I want to see our storycentered.
I know a lot of people feellike that.
You just want to see a storyand that's what Forever is.
So if you love a good blackdrama, go watch it.
But this was the part thatreally hit me.
When it starts, justin's mom isvery worried.
She's worried about her son.
She's worried about him being ablack man in America.
She's worried about the police,him being out, where is he at?
(06:30):
When is he coming home?
He's also neurodivergent and sothey kind of start the show
trying to paint her a little bitas like overbearing.
And there's times throughoutthe show where he, where he's
saying like my mom's doing themost, my mom is on one, my mom
is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
You know it's just kind of likethey're giving you that feel
that he thinks she's doing toomuch.
And then his dad, in contrast,is you can tell he's concerned
(06:54):
and he's, you know, obviouslywants the safety of his son.
But he's also really trying torespect the manhood of Justin
and Justin coming into his ownand Justin taking chances and
like living a little, justinhaving new experiences, but
being careful, making sure thatyou know when Justin is ready to
have sex, that he has a condom,even self going so far as
(07:14):
making sure that he knows how toput the condom on, not just in
the light, but like literallywith the lights off.
I thought that part washilarious making sure that he's
there for the girl that he's,that he's falling in love with,
and making sure that he knowswho he is.
And what got me about the showwas right away when it first
started.
I was just thinking about myexperience as a black woman but
(07:37):
being raised by a white mom, andit's not something I think
about a whole lot.
It's interesting because I wasjust having a conversation with
a guy friend about this,probably two or three weeks ago,
and he was asking me questionsabout what it meant for me, as a
biracial person who has a blackfather and a white mother, to
identify as a black womanexclusively.
Now, this guy who I was talkingto, he has a daughter who is
(08:00):
similar.
She has a black father and thenher mom is like white and
Latina, I think white and PuertoRican and so but he was saying
that his daughter identifies asboth Puerto Rican and as black
and as white, and almost he waskind of almost like trying to
pressure me to see it the wayhis daughter does.
And I'm like, first of all,your daughter's 18 years old,
like she's still learning whoshe is in the world Okay, like,
(08:23):
please, bro.
But also like biracial folks areallowed to see things
differently and have wildlydifferent experiences, and I was
like I think one of thedifferences that that I have
noticed about myself and otherbiracial people is that I had
access to a lot of racistnegativity coming from white
(08:43):
people from a very, very earlyage and so for me I kind of saw
them for what they were, atleast the ones who are racist,
very, very early on, whereasI've met a lot of other biracial
people.
They had really loving, healthyrelationships with a bunch of
white people, most of them,especially their family, their
whole life, and so it's kind ofeasier for them to identify that
(09:04):
way.
But for me I was always justkind of like when I was like
five or six years old, likedrawing my line in the sand,
like I don't want to be white orhave anything to do with y'all,
because all of y'all are somean to me and so horrible and
say such terrible things aboutblack people, and it just was
easy for me as a biracial kid tobe like, yeah, I'm not gonna
identify with that.
And it just started very youngand so I've never really
(09:26):
identified as a biracial person,not really.
A little bit in high school Ikind of had a phase and then,
like a little bit in college, Ihad a phase, but then I was like
, yeah, I don't identify as awhite person, I'm not living as
a white person.
I'm not being mistaken as awhite person I'm not getting the
perks of a white person.
I definitely get privilege likelight skinned, light skinned
(09:46):
privilege as a black woman.
I definitely get like lightskin, long hair, pretty girl
privilege as a black woman, butI'm not out here in these
streets living like a whitewoman.
Okay, so I'm on a little bit ofa tangent, but my whole point
is is that I was raised by awhite woman and I was raised in
a household with racist overtlynot covert, not hidden, not
(10:07):
silent overtly racist whitepeople, and all of my mom's side
of her family were like that.
And then I was being sent towhite schools that were racist
as well and I was attending achurch that was also racist.
So when I look at stories likethis and I see someone who was
raised so Justin was raised, youknow, with healthy black family
(10:27):
and he was sent to PWIs privatewhite institutions and he
expresses the frustration ofbeing at PWIs, how interesting
is that black family going toPWIs versus what I had of not
(10:48):
having been raised by my blackfamily or even see my black
family at all, because my dad Isaw him like sparingly up my
first 10 years and then he wentto prison and then I didn't have
any connection with him or hisfamily.
So for me it was just the ideaof like wow, I wonder what it
would be like to have a blackmom.
That was my first thought.
Like, what an interesting idea.
(11:11):
Is just something I've neverexperienced as a biracial woman
who identifies as black.
To think, wow, I wonder whatthat would be like.
And I found myself feelingsomewhat jealous of Justin's
situation, because she wasoverbearing, because she was
known, as you know, being on onelike doing too much.
And it was like it was easierfor me to see, obviously, as a
48 year old woman who has a kidthe same age as Justin.
Literally my son just finishedup his freshman year of college
(11:35):
and Justin was, you know, asenior going into his freshman
year of college, and so, as amom, it was easy for me to see,
like what she's doing is right,what she's doing is good, like,
yeah, she's a little bit, alittle bit overbearing, yeah,
she's a little bitoverprotective, but he needs
that and I needed that and Idefinitely didn't have that.
And just for those of you whodon't know me, my backstories.
My mom was a paranoidschizophrenic.
(11:56):
She's gone now, but when I wasin high school, my mom was
really getting worse and worseand worse, and when I was in
college she had a completefucking mental break.
Okay, so all of those yearswhen I was coming into my own
like for between 14 and 19 and20, my mom was really, really
losing, and I was the only oneliving with her at the time, and
(12:17):
so she was not protectivebecause she was trying to
survive herself.
She was not present, she wasnot available.
My mom was kind and she lovedme, but there was definitely
some neglect, you know, justfrom her having a mental illness
.
Not because I'm trying to judgeher, I promise you I'm not
judging my mama.
I loved my mom.
I think she did the best shecan as someone with a very
severe mental illness.
(12:37):
Like paranoid schizophrenia isnot a little Thing, it's a big,
big problem, and she was causinga lot of problems for herself
and for all her children, notjust me and so when I was in
high school, I was just out heredoing whatever the hell I
wanted to do because my mom wasmentally ill.
You know, I was out all night.
I was making horrible choices.
I was around so many peoplethat could have hurt me.
I definitely could have beenkilled in so many different
(12:58):
situations like I.
Just it's just God's grace thatI survived that time because I
had her car that I was stealingsometimes, and then she got me
my own car like a brand new car,and then I was, you know, had
even more freedom to get intomore problems.
And it's not like I had thisgreat home training where it was
like, you know, I had all ofthis.
(13:19):
You know, sometimes like youraise people who raise a kid
responsibly, then by the timethey're 14, they're like they
know what to do, they know howto take care of themselves, they
know how to handle themselves.
I didn't.
I was out here acting a wholefool, okay.
So when I look at what Justin'smom was doing, I felt that pain
of sadness like, wow, I wish Ihad had that.
I wonder where I would be if Ihad had a mom who was caring for
(13:42):
me like that.
So I'm just curious if anybodyelse kind of got that and saw
that as you watched it.
And then the other thing wasJustin's dad.
Oh man, justin's dad is the dadwe all want.
He is the cool dad that we allwant.
First of all, he's super cute.
I mean that doesn't matter, butI guess it mattered for his
(14:02):
wife.
But he was super cute, he wasloving, kind, firm when he
needed to be, and he wassuccessful, you know, has
provided a really nice life forthem, like the house the house
was gorgeous, like this gorgeous, beautiful, well decorated
house.
And then they spend theirsummers in Martha's Vineyard on
the black side.
(14:23):
They spend their summers inMartha's Vineyard on the black
side Like okay, thank you, sir,for providing for your family
like this.
But the kind of things that hesaid to Justin.
There's one particularlypoignant scene when Justin is
going to take his new car outand he grills him about what to
do if he gets stopped by thepolice and Justin goes through
the list of what he's supposedto do and then his dad is just
(14:44):
like you know, take her here,have this time, respond
immediately when we text you andthen be back by, I think,
midnight.
So it was boundaries and it wasfirmness, it was clear
direction and he still lets himgo and he knows what to do in
case he's in trouble.
There's so many other scenesthroughout where Justin's dad is
so loving, but you also know,like, don't fuck with him.
(15:07):
There's this other scene wherehe, justin, is telling them
something hard and then he sayssomething like I hope that I'm
not a disappointment to you orlose your love.
I forgot how he worded it andhis dad just said immediately
you will never lose my love.
Y'all.
I'm not crying right now, butit definitely got me teary eyed.
(15:30):
That's the black dad we all wishwe had.
That's the black dad that weall wish we had, someone who can
give us kindness and softness,someone who will always be a
safe place for Justin to land,like if they were real.
We know that.
Someone who cares enough aboutnot just his son but his son's
(15:50):
girlfriend to be like hey, letme teach you how to be a good
man to your girlfriend.
There was just so many thingsabout him that it was just like.
You know, I'm single, right?
So if that man existed in theworld, hey, hi, I'm Grace, call
me okay, because seriously, ohseriously.
(16:11):
I think I just wanted to takethis opportunity to both
normalize and validate for us asblack women, like just how both
healing it can be to see thisplayed out on a, on a television
screen, but also like how itmakes us feel some kind of way
because we recognize we didn'thave that and I forgot to
mention.
But also they're a family unit,like they were literally
(16:32):
married and happy and the waythe show showed them they're in
love, they like being together.
They showed them they likestill having sex, they're still.
They still out here getting itin.
They still out here having funparties and smoking weed with
their, their friends, their ownage, you know, and they're still
a joined family unit.
I think sometimes the sadness ofthat never really goes away.
(16:56):
I mean, tell me if I'm wrong,y'all, but like as someone from
a broken family, I mean myparents were never married.
Actually my dad was married tosomeone else when he found out
that he got my mom pregnant andthen he tried to marry her too.
Like they literally went downto the courthouse and this
motherfucker tried to actuallymarry my mom while he was
legally married to someone else.
Like what the fuck bro?
What the actual fuck.
(17:17):
But you know, I got to give itto my mom because she broke up
with him and he was never ableto get her back.
And I know this because onetime I found an entire drawer.
I mean a drawer that my momkept of all his like love
letters and cards and flowersthat she had dried out and it
was like it was a stack, likepretty sizable y'all.
(17:38):
So for those for my audible,only listening people, it was,
like you know, two trapperkeepers full of letters on
letters.
And don't forget that was 1976.
Ok, so there was no, there wasno pages, no phones, no internet
, no email, no, nothing.
The nigga was just writingletters trying to get my mom
back and I read some of them andhe was apologizing to him how
(18:00):
he's gonna get his divorce andblah, blah, blah, and just so
you know, I don't think that heever got that divorce.
I think he might have diedmarried to her.
I should check, I should factcheck, because I really don't
know, but I'm pretty sure henever actually left that woman.
I was just trying to say I justgot to give my mom props for
being like nah, nigga, you was,you was married, I'll do this
myself, I'll raise this babymyself anyway, and then he ended
(18:21):
up abusing me and going toprison for it.
She was right to try to getaway from him, but anyway, my
whole point is, I think a lot ofus really carry that internal
burden of just wanting a safeplace to land and for me, that's
something that I have alwayshad this like particular sadness
about, about the kind of home Iwas raised in and what I did
(18:42):
and didn't have as I've movedthrough this journey and tried
to heal, is just this sadness oflike well, I never have really
had a safe place to land witheither parent Because, like I
said, my mom, my dad, abused me.
He went to prison.
My mom was gone by the time Iwas 11, I probably the roles
switched 11 or 12, where Istarted parenting her.
And so when I see stuff likethis, it just hits it.
(19:03):
Just it hits at a hard core fora little vulnerable place in me
.
I've come a long way.
I think 10, 15 years ago Iprobably would have been sobbing
my eyes out seeing some ofthose scenes.
I think this time it was moreof like a balm, like, oh, I know
that this exists even morenowadays.
I know that there's many morehealthy, loving Black families,
(19:27):
which I just love.
So, yeah, it created a bomb andnot created a wound, but I
definitely felt the wound.
Just curious, did y'all feellike this.
When you watched it, please letme know in the comments.
I also think there's thefinancial aspect too.
Honestly, this is more of adiscussion of just kind of
normalizing the unspoken, likeloneliness and sadness that can
(19:48):
come from realizing what youdidn't have.
I want to make it okay to talkabout it because so many people
are just like you're claimingvictimhood.
People get really upset if youstop to say what you're actually
sad about sometimes.
But I actually think it's okayto identify it.
There's no way that I wouldencourage anyone like oh yeah,
completely, stay in a victimmindset, stay a victim, stay,
(20:12):
you know, dwelling on thingsthat didn't go right.
But I am definitely one ofthose people who will say you
should definitely take a minuteto figure out what you're sad
about, get it out and practiceradical acceptance and move
forward.
But I think sometimes we're veryquick to not even let ourselves
figure out what we're sad about, and with specificity.
I definitely think for me, thebiggest way that I've healed,
(20:35):
and for those of y'all who areon this healing journey, is I
have learned how to figure outwhat I'm sad about with
specificity.
Because the reason why so manypeople turn to, you know,
drinking, numbing themselves outwith weed or whatever.
And again, no judgment.
I'm never going to judge anyoneon how they choose to cope and
medicate to get through thislife, because Lord Jesus.
(20:57):
But I'm just saying I thinkpart of the reason that we try
to numb and I know this from myown life is because sometimes we
don't even know what we'renumbing.
It's like how can you get tothe bottom of what you're sad
about if you haven't actuallytaken the time or figured out in
any way whether that's throughtherapy or even allowing
yourself those uncomfortablefeelings to know what the hell
(21:18):
you got to heal from?
So you're just like, I'm sad, Ifeel depressed, I'm going to
numb.
I just want to have space to sayit's really okay to like, look
at shows like this and identifyhmm, there's a lot of historical
oppression and economicdisparities and structural
racism that has impacted deeplyBlack families.
(21:39):
I mean, that's base levelknowledge, right, base level
knowledge.
But it's okay to say like and,as a result, you know our
parenting situation was messedup.
Or, for example, you know allof the our black men that were
murdered 125 years ago andlynched and stolen from us and
then lost to the industrialprison system for the last what?
(22:02):
50, 60 years at disproportionalrates.
It's just.
I think it's okay to say welooking at these black families
in forever and just like, yeah,wow, a lot of us didn't have
that and there's some sadnessthat we feel about that and this
is an ache.
This is an ache, and it feelslike something that can't be
(22:24):
fixed and that's really fuckedup and sad.
So, yeah, I just want tolegitimize the loss.
If you feel it, I feel it toosad.
So, yeah, I just want tolegitimize the loss If you feel
it.
I feel it too.
If you feel that sadness oflike oh, I didn't have whatever
it is, like you know, parentswho could afford anything for me
.
I didn't have parents that weretogether, or I didn't have a
mom that was overbearing at all,like in my situation, or
whatever it might be.
It's not about being ungratefulfor what you do have, it's just
(22:47):
recognizing and acknowledging.
Damn, not having family reallyfucking hurts.
It really, really, really hurts.
And as much healing and work asI've done in the past, I don't
know that that's something thatI'm ever going to fully get
through.
And I'm twice divorced.
I really thought at some point,like whoever I marry will
become my new family.
(23:08):
Both my marriages didn't workout and the last one crashed and
burned.
It was literally terrible.
That man traumatized the hellout of me and I really thought,
obviously before I married him,that he was going to be my new
family.
And so when you're in theposition like I am and I don't
know if a lot of you are whereyou're divorced and you just
don't have family or connectedfamily at all, it can really
(23:30):
feel so major, like almostunbearable, and I don't feel
like that right now.
I feel like, oh, yeah, yeah,I'm going to get through it,
I'll be fine.
You know, I create family withmy friendships and my community
and things like that.
But when I see stuff like this,it just takes the knife and just
stabs it, stabs it in Grief,definitely recycles at different
life stages.
I think it looked like onething when I was getting married
(23:53):
and my dad wasn't there.
He was out of prison but therewas no way that I was going to
invite him To my wedding.
He wasn't sorry.
Even when he got out he wasn'tsorry.
He didn't act like he was sorry, he was mean about it.
It was terrible and there wassome grief there.
You know, there was grief afterI had my second child and
realized my dad is never goingto meet my kids.
(24:13):
I think by that point he wasalready gone.
Oh, actually, no, that's nottrue.
It was my first child.
My dad was gone.
He was dead before my firstchild was born and I remember
thinking, oh, he's never goingto meet them, they're never
going to know their only blackgrandfather, their only black
grandfather, and that's both agood thing and a bad thing.
You know, there's some careermilestones, there's just things
(24:35):
that I feel sadness about, thatI don't have any family,
particularly my black family, tocelebrate with me or to mourn
with me.
More with those who mourn thatkind of thing, there are certain
aspects that still kind oflinger.
Has that ever happened to you?
It's interesting too, because Ithink that watching this episode
(24:55):
brought up a little bit of myinner child wounds, and I
recently talked about innerchild healing in one of my
episodes like three ago I thinkand then I talked about it early
on when I first started thispodcast because, as someone who
has a high trauma background,inner child healing work has
been really significant for me.
When I watch shows like thisand I can feel that pain of
(25:19):
sadness, like almost likeknocking at my door, I can tell
that little inner Gracie is justlike oh yeah, I wanted that
validation that he got thatJustin got from his dad.
You know, I wanted thatprotection that Justin got from
his mom.
The you know, the little littleinner Gracie is kind of like oh
, look at that unconditionallove, like damn, that would have
(25:40):
been really nice.
And man, the unlimitedresources would have been really
really nice.
Now I'm only talking aboutJustin, keisha Clark also, who
was the other character.
She also had a very lovingmother and she was struggling
and I don't want to downplay inany way the impact that she had
on her daughter because she wasalso a very loving, protective,
(26:03):
doting mother who was workingtwo jobs to try to afford a
private school for Keisha, andshe was an amazing mother too.
So I don't want to kind ofdownplay that.
I think I'm just focusing onthe feelings that I felt
specifically I got from thesituation with Justin's parents
In order to really heal fromthis stuff.
I do understand that we have totry to understand what our
(26:24):
parents went through.
We have to understand ourparents journey and find empathy
for them, because they werehumans just doing the best they
could.
And you know, honestly, as amom, and I just think about when
my kids are older I really hopethey're like damn, my mom was
out here fighting for her life.
She was trying as hard as shepossibly could to provide the
best life for us.
But and I know that my kids arenot enduring the same level of
(26:48):
trauma and traumatic experiencesthat I was not in any way, and
I thank God for that literallyalmost every day, because that
is one of my primary things thatI've wanted to do as a mom is
to break generational curses andstop all of this cycles of
abuse as best I can, as best Ipossibly can, as someone who is
(27:10):
notably still struggling withall of the trauma that I went
through in my childhood, evenwith years of therapy,
willingness to heal, a desire todo better, trying my hardest,
everything.
I mean I just have really beenout here and the fact that I'm
still struggling sometimes withsome of this stuff is like son
of a bitch.
Struggling sometimes with someof this stuff is like son of a
(27:32):
bitch.
What in the world?
So when I look at my kids, I'mjust grateful that I know
they're not experiencing thesame trauma All of us do have to
understand.
You know, our parents were alsonavigating unhealed trauma and
at least if we can understandtheir context it can dampen some
of the pain that we might feel.
Now I'm not saying that we'rejust supposed to say, well, they
(27:53):
did the best they could, yourparents did the best they could,
so get over it.
Your parents did the best theycould versus whatever they did
was still harmful, is a verydelicate balance and I think it
requires a lot of nuance and Ithink if we can learn to juggle
that a little bit, it can reallyhelp us heal and come to terms.
So that's what I've had to dowith with both my parents, with
(28:15):
my mom, who it took me a lot ofyears to forgive Her at all and
really understand like this wasa mental illness, but I was
angry.
You know.
What you hear now is I love mymom, I'm grateful for her, but
when she was alive I was justreally angry and sad and mad and
and for a lot of years I hatedher, didn't want to be around
her at all.
There was a good number ofyears that I just this is going
to sound so bad, but it's reallytrue.
(28:37):
So I'm just going to be honestwith y'all.
But I just couldn't wait untilshe died because the pain was so
acute in her going on livingfor so long while just kind of
the backstories that we thoughtshe was going to die for a while
because she just kept havingrandom things that the doctor
was like, oh yeah, it's not long, and it just ended up being
like six or seven more years andthat whole time.
(28:59):
It's really hard to explainbecause I haven't processed this
fully, but I just was still soangry and hurt and sad and
trying really hard to get overand get through it.
But with her being alive andstill doing shitty shit as
someone who is a paranoidschizophrenic, and then she
developed dementia.
So you know, people with mentalillnesses like that especially
get older.
(29:19):
They're really mean.
It can be really very, verypainful.
If you've never, if you'venever had that happen with an
elderly person that you loveplease don't judge me or anyone
else it's extremely painful towatch people you love turn into
literal demons, because I thinkthose kind of mental illnesses
are in some way demonic.
(29:41):
But I really hard for me to getto where I am now, where I'm
like I understand how much hermental illness was impacting her
her whole life and how muchthat impacted the kind of parent
that she was for me.
And now I can be like I reallylove her, even really miss her,
sometimes, just a little bit,just a little bit.
(30:02):
But, man, my relationship withmy mom is hella complicated, but
with my dad I still don'treally understand why he did
what he did to me sexually.
But I can only assume thatthat's what he went through when
he was a kid.
I can only assume that that'sall he knew.
It's hard for me to reconcilelike and just be like.
(30:22):
Yeah, he did the best he couldlike.
That's your best, bro, that wasyour best.
But at the same time Iacknowledge the shit was harmful
.
It really fucked up my life.
It fucked up my sexuality insome ways.
It fucked up my relationship tomen in a lot of ways For all of
these years and I'm stillworking through it, still
(30:42):
working through it at my big ageof 48, but whatever the case
may be, I have Released thembecause I do understand that
when you hold unforgiveness andbitterness it's literally like
the popular quote that you'veheard it's like drinking rat
poison and hoping that the otherperson gets poisoned.
It's just literally poisoningyou.
(31:03):
And there's lots of scientificstudies nowadays that holding
bitterness lots of scientificstudies nowadays, nowadays, that
you know, holding bitterness,anger, unforgiveness, all of
that is low vibration energy inyour body and low vibration
energy causes sickness.
It literally causes illness.
This is not rocket science, isan established science now.
So don't hold bitterness andunforgiveness and anger in your
(31:25):
heart.
Even for the people whotraumatized you, release them
because you're not hurting themby holding in your heart.
Even for the people whotraumatized you, release them
because you're not hurting themby holding in your heart.
You calling them a son of abitch in your journal every day
for 10 years is not hurting them.
So, like I said in my otherepisode about inner child
healing, the best thing that wecan do is learn to reparent
ourselves.
And I was reminded that when Iwatched Forever.
Like the best thing that I cando honestly to heal a part of me
(31:48):
and heal that little innerGracie that was like really
looking at them and like longingfor those kind of parents is to
reparent myself with all ofthat, all of that protection,
all of that setting boundariesand the nurturing and the
foresight, and also anotherthing that I can do completely
practically is provide that formy own kids as best as I can,
(32:08):
which I'm already trying to do,but I'm imperfect.
It is the power of theconscious choice, and that is
what I wanted to bring to youtoday.
From watching forever, is wenow have a conscious choice to
say, oh, I love seeing all ofthat.
How can I be that for me?
How can I be that for otherpeople?
How can I be that for my littleniece or little nephew or
(32:29):
little cousin who doesn't have,you know, parents who are at all
protective or protecting themout here in this cold world?
And this is just a friendlyreminder y'all that we have to
build our own communities.
Not all family is blood.
We all know that.
Yes, blood is thicker thanwater, but sometimes you ain't
got no blood.
I mean, in my situation, Idon't have anybody in my family
(32:50):
who is blood related that I'mremotely close to at all.
Everybody who in my family thatI'm blood related to, I'm kind
of like loosely connectedacquaintances at that at best.
I think it's really, reallyimportant for us to invest in
our friendships with other blackwomen.
I cannot emphasize that enough.
I really try to work hard.
To be sure I'm hanging aroundwith pursuing loving, caring for
(33:13):
, spending on just involvingmyself fully with other black
women in the black communitybecause it's just so important I
think for us as black women tohave that and to figure it out.
And it won't always work.
I feel like in these last threeyears I've lost.
In these last three years I'velost actually three or four
years I've lost three blackwomen in my life who I was close
to.
I've never really had thathappen like that, where, yeah,
(33:40):
I'm just, I use.
Most of my friendships are long, like once I gain a friend I
keep that friend for life.
But in these three situationsit just didn't work out and so
one of them I talked about in adifferent episode which I'll
post here.
But two of the other ones is along story y'all.
But I still have other blackwomen in my life who I pursue
and love and try to prioritizein terms of friendships over men
(34:01):
and over everybody else I meanobviously not over my kids.
But y'all just make sure you'rein community where you feel seen
and loved and felt andcelebrated.
Just make sure that that's apriority for you.
Make sure that when you'repursuing connections with
romantic interests.
For those of you who aren't,who aren't hetero, it doesn't
matter who you're pursuingconnections with, like if it's
(34:22):
not built on love and mutualrespect, you know, mutual
consistency and mutualreciprocation, like it's
probably not going to be whatyou need, regardless of
chemistry, regardless offeelings, regardless of great
sex, regardless of anything.
And that's one thing I havereally really learned like there
can be a lot of good thingsgoing on, that the sex can be
bomb, you can have amazingchemistry, you can have a lot of
stuff going on, but if there isnot a mutual foundational
(34:46):
respect of I care for you andrespect you as a friend and I'm
giving you reciprocal respectand connection, it's not good
for me.
It's just not good enough.
It's literally just not goodenough.
So just keep that in mind,y'all Keep that in mind.
Black women are so resilient, weare so empathetic, we have so
(35:06):
much self-awareness, we have avery deep capacity for love and
we are out here breakinggenerational curses, and that's
a beautiful thing.
So, as you forge your own path,just be cognizant that you are
creating the environment thatyou longed for.
You know and I have to keepthat in mind, like every time I
de-center men in my life andre-center myself, make myself my
(35:28):
own priority and re-center allof my women, friendships, my
children, even my dreams and mypassions, or my hobbies, like
even this podcast.
That is a way that I amcreating that kind of
environment that I saw inforever, that I loved, one that
is protective and beautiful andreally was both Keisha's home
(35:48):
and Justin's home a safe placefor them, even though you know
their parents weren't perfectand there were challenges, but
it was a safe place for them.
That's what I want for myselfand for my kids.
So, yeah, this episode or notthis episode, the whole series
just gave me so much to thinkabout.
What does reparenting ourselveslook like for you?
You know, that's that's onething that it made me think
about.
And how can I be the kind ofparents that I saw in the show
(36:09):
that I really want to be for mykids?
That was just a big thing forme.
It's like I want to think moreintentionally as my kids get
older.
I have a 19 and a half year old, a 14 and a half year old and a
almost nine year old in just afew weeks here, and so I still
have quite a bit of time to helpthem and mold them and prepare
them for this world.
(36:30):
Not so much my oldest, but youknow.
Here's a journal question foryou.
What small act of kindness canyou offer your inner child today
?
What small act of protectioncan you offer your inner child
today?
What's one thing that you cando to show her that you love her
and you care for her?
And you know y'all?
If all else fails, go totherapy.
Yeah, girl, I just actuallystarted therapy again.
(36:51):
I started back for the firsttime in.
I think it's been two yearssince I've been in therapy.
I actually had to stop becauseI was three years ago I left a
full time job so I lost myinsurance and then for a little
while I was paying on a slidingscale because I had Medicaid and
then he stopped accepting thatMedicaid and so it just felt
(37:13):
like we, if I look we were kindof at a natural stopping place
anyway, because he had seen methrough leaving an abusive
marriage, domestic violence, hehad done EMDR with me, he had
really saved my life in big, bigways.
But it felt like we were kindof coming to the end of our
therapeutic relationship anyway,just as my Medicaid was ending
with that particular company andI couldn't afford to keep
(37:33):
seeing him without any sort ofinsurance.
So I was like you know, I'mdoing pretty good, I'm feeling
pretty good, so I stopped andyou know I've had some crazy,
crazy times with mental healthin the last couple years, so I
don't know if it was a goodthing, but I just never picked
it back up, in part because ofADHD Not even kidding like being
unable to organize.
My life has been a struggle.
(37:54):
But earlier this year I wentthrough some things.
I had a dating relationship andwhere it was just so painful I
just felt so humiliated by thisman and so surprised and I had
so much cognitive dissonanceabout how he ended it.
It was sad, really, really sad.
And then, like a few monthslater, I dated someone for just
(38:18):
a week and that week ended upbeing really hard on me and I
actually did an episode aboutthat which I will post right
here if you want to.
I did a whole episode aboutwhat happened in that week and
why it led me to get realspecific about my healing.
And I really think that weekcaused me so much pain because I
had never really healed fromwhat happened in February, in
(38:40):
the end of that dating situation.
That just really took me out.
So I decided I have to go backto therapy.
I just have to, I just have to,I just have to.
I was like I really need tofigure out once and for all what
these issues are that's keepingme.
You know, you know they say youwon't change till it hurts
enough.
Baby, baby.
It hurt enough that whathappened with those two hurt
(39:03):
enough.
And it wasn't even liketerrible choices, it was just me
dating.
It wasn't like and if you knewit, you know and my friends knew
who these men were that itwasn't even like terrible
choices, it was just me dating.
It wasn't like and if you knew,you know, and my friends knew
who these men were that itwasn't like oh my God, why would
you choose such horrible,terrible men?
It wasn't like that.
These were the men thateverybody was like yeah, these
are good guys, these are, theseare the good ones, these are the
ones you, these are the kind ofguys you shouldn't be dating.
And still, for me to be so hurtand so devastated, I was like I
(39:29):
gotta get therapy stats.
So I looked for a new therapistand I literally just started
and we are going to kind ofdelve into my past a little bit
more.
And I told him like I think I'mfinally ready to really maybe
fully fully look into my fatherwounds of abandonment, because I
(39:51):
don't think I had ever, I don'tknow.
I've definitely done healingstuff around my dad but the
abandonment wounding is comingup a lot lately, a lot.
So I told him I was like let's,let's deal with abandonment
wounding, let's face this.
Yeah, we're actually going tobe reading through this book by
(40:13):
Gabriel Mate, the Myth of Normal.
I'll link it below if you'recurious.
But he was like that book islife changing.
I love Gabriel Mate, I talkabout him.
I feel like I bring up GabrielMate in every episode.
So I have watched a lot ofpodcasts where he's talked about
it, but I've never actuallyread the book.
So I'm going to actually getthe book and read it.
I just bring that up to say likeyou don't have to navigate big
feelings alone.
Therapy has been so good for meand I actually have really good
(40:35):
friendships.
I have good girlfriends who twoof my good girlfriends are
licensed clinicalpsychotherapists and therapy
still been really good for me tohave a place.
So just don't be isolated.
Let me just read to you anaffirmation, and if you would
just close your eyes, if you'renot driving, take a deep breath
and listen to this affirmationRemember you are deserving of
(40:56):
deep, unconditional love, evenif it didn't come from where you
expected.
You have the power to cultivateit within yourself and attract
it into your life.
You are a source of love andyou can love yourself fully and
unconditionally.
Thank you for joining me today.
I really appreciate it.
(41:17):
Please take care of yourself,please nurture that beautiful
soul of yours and don't forgetto follow me on all the socials.
I'm on TikTok at out heretrying to survive.
Youtube out here trying tosurvive.
My sub stack is out herethriving and even though I am
struggling to get that started,follow along, because I'm going
to.
I swear to goodness, I'm goingto.
And if you would please likethis episode, give me a like
(41:39):
please.
If you enjoy it, go to ApplePodcasts and leave me a review
on Apple Podcasts, as I'm justreally just.
This is really just gettingstarted in terms of podcast,
even though this is episode 27.
Apparently, you know you needup to 100 episodes before you
really doing a damn thing.
So please review me on Applepodcast.
That would help me so much.
Y'all could be anywhere, butyou're here and I'm so grateful
(42:01):
for that.
So thank you so much forlistening and I will see y'all
in the next episode.
Bye.
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