March 4, 2025 • 24 mins
Stephanie's journey from childhood writer to first-time author is nothing short of inspiring. At the tender age of 12, she found solace in writing, using it as a therapeutic outlet to navigate the complexities of trauma and PTSD. Join us as Stephanie candidly shares her compelling story of overcoming self-doubt and embracing her voice despite her fears. Her upcoming book, a tapestry woven from her life experiences, is a testament to her resilience and her desire to leave a legacy for her loved ones. Through our conversation, you'll discover the serendipitous paths life can take and the power of storytelling in healing and transformation.
We also venture into the multifaceted world of writing and publishing, where focus and organization become both allies and adversaries. From scattered notes to a finished manuscript, I recount the emotional rollercoaster of editing and the choice between traditional and self-publishing. Stephanie and I explore the creative bonds formed through storytelling, particularly the heartwarming tales of "Lila and Papa's Grand Adventures," which connect grandparents and grandchildren. For those aspiring to write, we emphasize the importance of progress over perfection and the sheer joy of bringing ideas to life. Get ready to be inspired by real-life stories and insights that might just spark your own creative journey.\
TLDR:
Stephanie shares her journey from a hesitant writer to a confident first-time author, emphasizing the power of storytelling in overcoming personal trauma. The episode explores creativity sparked by life's challenges, the emotional intricacies of the writing process, and practical advice for aspiring authors.
• Discussion on the impact of childhood trauma on Stephanie's writing
• Importance of leaving a legacy through completed stories
• Insights into the editing process and emotional challenges
• Pros and cons of traditional vs. self-publishing
• Exploration of children's literature and its family connections
• Tips for overcoming perfectionism and beginning the writing journey
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Nicole Tuxbury (00:02):
Hello there and welcome back to the next episode
of Overcome Yourself, TheTodcast.
As you know, my name is Nicoleand I'm so excited to be here
today with Stephanie, andStephanie is a fellow author, so
I'm going to let you take itaway, Stephanie.
Tell us all about you and yourupcoming book.
Stephanie Essary (00:19):
Thank you so much for having me.
So I am going to be a firsttime published author.
I have been writing since I was12 years old.
It's something that's alwaysbeen a big part of my life.
I've written a lot of evenmaybe complete novels and
children's books and tons ofpoetry through the years, but I
always just kind of kept it tomyself.
(00:40):
My family knew that I wrote myhusband, my children, my
extended family but it'ssomething that I never really
had confidence in and a lot ofthat is tied to the trauma that
I experienced throughout myearly years and it's something I
learned to kind of keep myvoice small.
So about a couple of years ago Istarted experiencing some
really big health issues andduring that time you kind of
(01:01):
realize puts things intoperspective that I'm going to be
54 this year and that life isnot promised, and this is
something I've wanted for solong that it's either kind of
now or never, because I don'tknow, do I get two years, do I
get 20 years?
And that's kind of the unknown.
Really sitting down with myselfand working through a lot of
(01:27):
the problems that I was havingwith being able to get out of my
own way and being able torealize this dream that has been
with me as long as I canremember, and finally finishing
a book, having it in editing andworking on publishing it, and
even finishing a couple ofchildren's books that I had and
they've finished illustrationsand they're going to go up
shortly as well um to to be outthere in the world, which is
(01:51):
both exciting and very scary itis.
Nicole Tuxbury (01:54):
It's amazing, like once you like write one,
like I guess it's like tattoos,you're like I gotta do another
one exactly, it's true, it'svery, very true.
Stephanie Essary (02:04):
It is funny there's kind of a theme of a
tattoo going on in this, in thisbook that my first book that I
finished yes, it is, and so thisbook in particular.
It's something that has existedin some form as far back as when
I was 12 years old.
One of the first books orstories, rather and it was
written in the voice of a 12year old was when I was 12 years
(02:25):
old and it was about a girlthat was a journalist and she
there was this missing girl thatshe was following, and the girl
started showing up and and allthese places that she was at and
nobody believed her.
So that story obviously was ina different form.
But when I decided to resurrectone of these stories, I took
that and I kind of wove it intothe story as it is.
(02:47):
So for me this particular storywas the one that I needed to
finish, the first, because ittook just things I've written
through the years and it's justa beautiful kind of melody of
all of these things and all ofthese different parts of my life
in this one book and I'm veryproud of it and I'm really
excited to kind of put it out inthe world and see what others
(03:09):
think about it as well.
Nicole Tuxbury (03:11):
That is.
That is amazing and I love that.
You know, that's one of thethings I talk about in my book
that sometimes we end up like inthese random paths or what
seemed like random paths, butthen looking back, you're like,
wow, those things were preparingme for, for this right.
Because we go through thingsand we're like, why did that
(03:31):
happen?
And we meet certain people orwe gain certain skills that we
can take with us.
And, in your case, I love howyou were able to take all those
elements, because you you couldhave just not written right, but
you did right and you were likeI don't know what I'm gonna do
this, I'm doing it for myself.
And then one day you look backand you were like I don't know
what I'm gonna do this, I'mdoing it for myself.
And then one day you look backand you're like, oh my gosh,
look at this, look at thisbeautiful entire story that I
can just weave together now.
(03:51):
So I love that, I love thatjourney.
So overcome yourself.
So tell me a little bit abouthow you came to writing the book
right, because, like, there'sgot to be like a great story
underneath that.
So talk to me a little bitabout that.
Sure sure.
Stephanie Essary (04:07):
So I have been on my own way a long time and I
mentioned before there was alot of trauma and I think for
most of us we have some trauma.
You know that we've dealt withthrough the years in various
forms.
And for myself I you know Ihave CP, cptsd, which is from
childhood trauma and abuse, andI was taught very young to keep
(04:29):
that voice small and one of theways that I dealt with that was
by writing, whether it wasjournaling or creating these
stories or writing poetry, andso for myself it's always been a
very therapeutic way for me todeal with whatever it is that I
was going through.
And even though through theyears I kind of chose safer
paths as far as professionallywriting was something I always
(04:52):
went back to, and especiallyduring those times that I was
struggling and I came to a pointwhere I realized that so much
what I was writing was really itwas good, I felt like it was
really good.
I was always told that it wasreally good.
I felt like it was really good.
I was always told that it wasreally good.
But I was scared because myvoice again was just very small
and my daughter I had given mydaughter my older daughter some
(05:14):
boxes, and she was going throughthese boxes and came upon a
couple of the notebooks I haveand when I tell you I have
hundreds of notebooks, I havehundreds of notebooks filled
with everything and it reallystarted thinking about when I'm
gone, I don't want my children,and now my three beautiful
grandkids, to go through theseboxes and see all of these
unfinished stories, things thatI was always too scared to
(05:35):
finish or too scared to put outin the world, because this is
the one thing that meant more tome Of course, not as much as my
children and my husband, but itwas the one thing I was most
scared of failing at, because itmattered the most.
It was the thing that kept mesane, that kept me safe, that
helped me navigate the just thehorrible points of my childhood,
(05:58):
and so that's why I was reallyscared to do it.
So I thought a lot about it andthen my husband and I ended up
moving to San Diego for his job,and I found it very therapeutic
, kind of walking by the waterand and being here, and then I
don't know what happened.
I started thinking a lot aboutwhat life means and how much
time I have left and all ofthese things, and I'm like I
(06:20):
want to finish one of thesestories.
So I took a couple of stories.
Like I mentioned, there's that12-year-old story that exists in
some way.
It's about a journalist thatshe is healing from an accident
that she was in a couple ofyears prior, both physically and
mentally from it, and duringthe course of this she thinks
she has her life together.
She has a great boyfriend, asupportive family, just a great
(06:44):
career, and she feels that herlife is good, that she's really
been able to put it backtogether after this accident.
And then she starts havingthese very, very vivid dreams of
people and places that she'snever been to or never known,
but she feels really, reallyconnected to.
And it leads her to reconnectwith the husband of someone else
that was lost in the sameaccident.
And then she is tasked withfinishing the story or one of
(07:04):
the stories of someone else thatwas lost in the same accident.
And then she is tasked withfinishing the story or one of
the stories of his wife, becauseshe had never been able to
finish the stories Because shetoo had been, she had, you know,
had dealt with childhood abuseand all of this.
So it just it was a way a verysafe way for me to take parts of
my life and compile it intothis beautiful book about what
(07:27):
it is, how far our minds kind ofgo sometimes to protect us from
trauma and grief, but also indoing so, it often keeps us from
being able to fully step intowho we are.
So there were a lot of thosethings acted as a catalyst.
Is not wanting to leave theseunfinished stories for my
children to uncover and mygrandchildren to uncover, and
(07:47):
then it becomes their burden.
My fears become their burden,and I didn't want that to happen
.
I wanted to.
I wanted to leave them withsomething that was finished, and
this book is part of tellingthat story and I continue, I
want to continue to do that.
Nicole Tuxbury (08:02):
I love that.
So my mom died when she was 29.
I was one and a half, and sothat really resonates with me
because I'm like I want, I wantto leave a legacy.
I want to leave something wheremy kids will be able to read,
like what did I think about?
What did I believe you knowwhere they could hear my voice?
Because I don't have any ofthose things, and so I think
(08:31):
that's just absolutely beautifuland it's amazing that we do get
to build a legacy like this,and I want to commend you for
being brave and for taking thatstep.
And we really, you know, one ofthe things that I talk with my
clients about is talking to oursubconscious sometimes, because
we have those fears and so wehave to acknowledge it, like
thank you, thank you for keepingme safe.
I know that you are displayingall of these scary situations
(08:51):
that can happen because you'retrying to keep me safe, but I'm
trying to do this so that we canbe better, safer, right, like
there's a whole new level ofsafe, and that's where we're
trying to go to, and so, if youwill help me with this, not only
will we be safe, we're going tobe better off.
And yeah, and sometimes youreally do have to talk to them,
right, we have to.
(09:11):
It's a conversation, it's not aone-time thing.
We're going to hey rememberthat we're doing this to be
safer, right, but really that'ssomething that we have to,
really to calm our mind downbecause at the end of the day,
just like you said, it's tryingto keep us safe, um, and so I
love that so much.
So tell us a little bit more umabout.
(09:34):
I want to know more about yourjourney to becoming an author.
Stephanie Essary (09:39):
So that's a scary one.
It's really hard.
When I decided to finish thisbook and truly finish it, I
think I turned on my OCD becauseI was just so absorbed with
finishing it.
So I was writing 12, 14 hours aday, and keep in mind that a
lot of this material alwaysalready existed in some form, so
it was just a part of takingpieces of this and pieces of
(10:01):
that and putting it togetherlike this puzzle of this story.
So one of the things I will sayand I've read this about other
authors so I don't feel so badnow is that if you would go
through all of those notebooks Iwrite in such I have a very ADD
mind and so you will seepost-it notes and you'll see
scattered pieces here and there,so nobody would have ever made
(10:23):
been able to truly make sense ofit, I think.
And so part of that was reallytrying to figure out how to
streamline it, how to work in abetter way to be able to make
this happen, because in the pastI would write something, almost
finish it, but then I would bekind of sidelined with this
other story idea or this poem Iwanted to do.
So part of that process wasbeing able to really focus on
(10:47):
finishing this piece, because Iwould never be able to get it
published if I have all theseother stories, but I needed to
finish this one.
So I really had to sit withmyself and reteach myself some
things about staying organized,about, you know.
Hey, let's create a process forreally making this happen.
So that's probably the biggest,that's the hardest thing that I
(11:09):
had to overcome and that'sreally had to get out of my way
there.
So I spent a lot of time, youknow, putting the novel together
and then, once I finished it, Iwas so proud of myself for
finishing it because it wastruly a finished piece, right.
And then I had to hand it overto an editor and I will tell you
(11:29):
, for me it felt very much likeraising a child, like you pour
all of this love into it and youthink it is the most wonderful
thing to ever exist and it hassuch beautiful parts.
And to hand it over to someoneelse, like handing them over to
school.
It's like now they're going totake what I created.
What are they going to do withit?
Are they going to remove someof the things that I instilled
(11:50):
in it?
So it's sat with and it's stillwith my, you know, final editing
stage and that in itself is avery difficult process because
it has 160,000 words.
So we already know that itneeds to be, you know, taken
down and she says, okay, we needto get this down to about
130,000 words for your firstnovel, it's just, it's a good
(12:15):
number to work with.
Thousand words for your firstnovel it's just, it's a good
number to work with.
And so that in itself has beenvery, very difficult to to come
to terms with.
I've got to remove some ofthese things.
So, even when you get to thepoint of your writing, you're
still handing it over to someoneelse that may have a different
idea as to whether or not thestory progresses the way that it
should to really be able toengage the readers.
(12:36):
So that has been.
It's been a little bit hard tonavigate.
That I'll be perfectly honest.
I know that my writing skillsare there.
I know that that's.
That's good.
That's the one thing she saidis really good, but of course
there's parts of it that mayneed to be changed and and
reworked.
I had to take some of the scenesand move it up sooner, so there
(13:01):
was a lot of push and pull and,and there was times I wanted to
quit, you know, during thatprocess too, because I'm like,
okay, this is harder than Ithought.
You know, I really love thisstory and I know that we're
creating something quitebeautiful.
And then we had to talk abouthow you know I really love this
story and I know that we'recreating something quite
beautiful.
And then we had to talk abouthow, you know now the path to
(13:22):
publishing, to go a traditionalroute.
She feels, yes, you can get atraditional publisher.
I really believe that.
However, it's something that cantake three to five years and it
kind of goes back to the time.
Do I don't want to say doom andgloom.
I do have some health issues,but it's something that, if I
take really good care of myself,I can be here until I'm 80 or
(13:43):
90.
But you really start thinkingabout what time do I have left
and do I want to commit to athree to five year trajectory?
Because I have boxes of stories, I have things that I want to
put out in the world.
So that's something that we'reworking through now.
Will I go through selfpublishing or do I want to take
that traditional route?
Nicole Tuxbury (14:04):
Yeah, and there's a lot of pros and cons.
I hosted a summit last yearstop writing, start selling.
So there's a lot of informationabout that on there.
But there's pros and cons totraditional versus
self-publishing.
Um, a lot of people just toclarify for the audience think
that when you get a traditionalpublisher you're like, oh, I'm
good, uh, they're gonna handleeverything for me, and
(14:26):
unfortunately that's no longerthe case.
Like you're still responsiblefor your own marketing.
So the benefit, the biggestbenefit, is just that advance,
um, other than that, like you'restill going to be doing all the
marketing and all the fun stuff, and so there's a lot to look
at.
But I love self-publishing.
I've self-published betweenjournals and books and workbooks
(14:47):
like over 15 now and I'mworking on my big one, which is
also in editing.
I have I don't know where it is, but I have my advanced reader
copy somewhere around here or myauthor copy where you know I'm
sending to my editor, but it's.
It is such a process and when Ifirst sent it to my editor, my
(15:09):
note was this isn't a book, thisis a research paper.
So like we're going to have toredo this.
I like that, I like that.
So you know good but not great,because it's like this is great
information, you know, good butnot great, cause it was like
this is great information, butnobody wants to read a research
paper.
So we're going to have to makethis.
So, whether you are writingfiction or nonfiction, having an
editor, it is very scary, butit is definitely very worth it.
(15:33):
Your story is just going to beso much better.
My words, there's so many wordsthat I use so much, so much.
You know, like then, then, so Ididn't even know that I use
them so many times.
Stephanie Essary (15:49):
I've already gotten that part.
I knew, I knew it and Iactually handed over, I gave it
to my daughter to kind of readthrough and she's like, mom,
you've used, but you know somany like there's.
There are words that you usekind of over and over again and
I'm a very descriptive writerand I do find and there's I
don't want to say there's anissue with that.
(16:09):
I think it's very important tobe able to kind of bring readers
into these worlds, right.
But I think sometimes you cankind of go a little far by
describing everything andsomething.
When I'm I've sat down with thedevelopmental editor is
recognizing, you want to show,and then you want to tell.
And she said to me you show andyou tell, which is like you,
really you draw people in withyour descriptions, but then you
(16:32):
kind of reiterate that bytelling and you don't
necessarily need both.
So that's some of the thingsthat can be removed from that
novel, you know.
And so, yes, you recognize, um,and that makes you a better
writer, right, because you, youfigure out, uh, these are things
I have to change so that I canexpedite the process on this
next novel that you know I wantto put out as well yeah, and in
(16:54):
everything right, like even nowwhen I'm writing for my website
or social media copy and thingsI'm like I don't need't need to
bend there.
Nicole Tuxbury (17:00):
Like I read the sentence, I'm like, oh, we can
get rid of all those words Right, but you do learn.
You learn in the process and itdoes, so that's, that's
fantastic.
I absolutely love that.
Stephanie, you also mentioned Ijust want to touch on this, but
you mentioned some kids books.
I got to help on some kidsbooks last year, so tell us a
little bit about that.
Stephanie Essary (17:21):
I love them.
So I wrote kids books when frommy own children.
I wrote them stories when theywere younger.
And then, as I mentionedearlier, I have three beautiful
grand babies.
They are three, one and one,and when we moved to San Diego
we obviously were a little bitfurther from them.
But we do daily video calls andso in these daily video calls
(17:42):
I'll get on there and I'll singwith them and we'll do, you know
, little things, I'll tell themlittle stories, that kind of
thing.
And so I created this seriescalled Lila and Papa's Grand
Adventures.
It's essentially twograndparents that are in
California and they'recommunicating with their little
grandkids that are in you knowanother state and they're on
these video calls and then theygo on these virtual kind of just
(18:05):
adventures together, and it'sgoing to be a series.
I've actually written eightstories, and so the first one is
illustrated, beautifullyillustrated.
I have a beautiful illustratorand so that one's actually
already ready.
So in the next couple of weekswe'll be able to put that on
Amazon.
And then I did have a took oneof the books that I wrote about,
I guess about 12 years ago andfor my youngest daughter, called
(18:28):
the golden thread, and thatone's an illustrated
illustration almost finishedthat one and that is about how
we carry on characteristics,whether they're traditions or
our traits and things like that,from those that came before us.
So the Golden Thread is aboutthis magical thread that comes
in and it takes this little girlon a journey to see some of her
(18:49):
ancestors and even her parentswhen they were little, and kind
of explains how we are shaped bythe people that came before us,
even those that weregenerations before, just in
stories and traditions thatcarry forward.
So those are two books thatwill be ready in the next month
to kind of go out to the worldand I'm going to be self
publishing those through Amazonbecause I wanted to get those
(19:10):
are a lot simpler than thisnovel, right, so that's going to
be first, but I am just so inlove with them and they're just
beautiful little stories and I'mexcited about this grand
adventures because I do knowthere's a lot of grandparents
that don't get to be with theirgrandkids all the time and this
is a beautiful story that canjust help them connect.
Nicole Tuxbury (19:29):
I absolutely love that.
That is such a great market.
Stephanie Essary (19:33):
Oh my God, you're genius, Just genius girl.
I'm right.
That's why I said I'm kind of aJill of all trade not all
trades but I I love writing andit's been such a huge part of my
life that, like I said, frompoetry to short story journaling
, I've done it all, and writingin itself is just a beautiful
way for people to to reallylearn a lot about themselves and
(19:56):
to deal with things thatthey're going through.
Nicole Tuxbury (19:59):
I love that.
I love that and something thatI tell my clients all the time
that you're just like just doingsuch a wonderful example, like
you're just walking the walkright Is taking inventory.
What have you already created?
You had these stories like youwrote these stories the same way
that the Hobbit right, was itthe Hobbit that came out?
(20:20):
Um, coralline coralline waswritten, as I know it wasn't.
Was it written?
They read it as a like, as akid's story to the little kids,
and that's how they determinedif it was too scary.
And then, after it was published, they were like you weren't
scared, right, and they werelike, no, we weren't terrified,
but we had to know what happenednext, because it is pretty, um,
right, but so many amazingstories have come from bedtime
(20:44):
stories Like I'm just creatingthis world for you.
And then, boom, it becomes.
You know, it becomes real, itbecomes on paper and holding
something that you've written,that you've created, like it's
mind bending, like the other dayI had like a something like
online that was referencing mybook, and then I had, oh no, it
was a bookmark I made.
I had like a something likeonline that was referencing my
book and then I had, oh no, itwas a bookmark I made I had.
(21:04):
I had it like on the landingpage and then I had it like in
the real world, like it wassitting next to me, and I was
like, oh my god, like I made itlike it didn't exist and now it
does.
Stephanie Essary (21:13):
I know that is such a that's a wonderful
feeling and I can't wait to tophysically have that in there.
So I'm really there's nothinglike it, um, yeah all right.
Nicole Tuxbury (21:22):
So, um, final tips.
If you have any tips for thosepeople out there that they have
a book in them, they know thatthey want to be an author, but
they they just, for whateverreason, haven't.
Give give us your best tip forthem to just make some progress.
Stephanie Essary (21:39):
It doesn't have to be perfect.
I think we get so tied up inperfection that things have to
be written a certain way or haveto look a certain way.
I can't put it out in the worldbecause people will look at me
and find fault in it.
And just keep in mind, there'llalways be people out there that
may not like what you put out,but oh, when you touch the
people that do, and that's allyou have to do is keep moving,
(22:02):
just start moving forward andlook, I am navigating this now.
I'm by no means an expert in it, but I hope that the story that
I have to tell people and thethings that I have to share with
them five years from now is tobe able to look back and see
look, all I did was just startand look where I'm at now.
Nicole Tuxbury (22:19):
Yeah, because you know what?
You can't edit a blank page.
So if you hadn't had thecourage to write down your story
like, your editor couldn't belike this is how we make it
better, right?
So, like, even if it you know,I'm sure it was great, but, like
, even if we start withsomething bad, we can work up to
great by editing it.
Well, we don't need this, let'sadd this, let's talk about this
(22:41):
, and then boom, now you havesomething great.
But you were brave enough tostart and so I love that.
I love that.
Thank you, of course, you'revery welcome.
Now, how can our readers?
How can our readers?
Stephanie Essary (22:52):
we've been talking about books there will
be readers someday so they canreach me on my website, so you
can go to stephanieesserycom.
There I have everything fromthe books that are going to be
coming soon.
This particular novel theLanguage of Dreams is what it's
called is going to be put out.
First.
I have the two children's booksthat are on there and you can
(23:14):
kind of see some of theillustrations and just how
lovely they are, and then onethat I'm currently working on,
which is from Good Bones, whichis about a Southern Louisiana
family like my own and just howbeautiful imperfect legacies can
be, and on that website you canalso catch my podcast.
You can find out more about thebooks.
(23:34):
They will be sharing bookexcerpts.
They're going to be.
There is a playlist of songsthat I listened to while I was
kind of finalizing it, so lotsof good information there, and
it will also have the links thatyou can find me on Instagram
and Facebook.
Nicole Tuxbury (23:48):
Awesome, that is amazing, and I'll make sure all
those links that she mentionedare going to be available down
in the show notes or thecomments wherever you're
watching.
All right, and that's it.
Thank you so much for joiningus today, stephanie.
This has been absolutelyamazing.
Congratulations on taking thebiggest small step you can take,
which was starting.
I can't wait to see you publishyour books.
(24:10):
I can't wait to see all theamazing things that are coming
for you.
That's awesome.
Stephanie Essary (24:13):
Thank you so much, nicole, it was a pleasure.
Nicole Tuxbury (24:16):
Thanks, we'll talk soon.
See you online.
Bye guys, see you next time.
Hello there and welcome back to the next episode
of Overcome Yourself, TheTodcast.
As you know, my name is Nicoleand I'm so excited to be here
today with Stephanie, andStephanie is a fellow author, so
I'm going to let you take itaway, Stephanie.
Tell us all about you and yourupcoming book.
Stephanie Essary (00:19):
Thank you so much for having me.
So I am going to be a firsttime published author.
I have been writing since I was12 years old.
It's something that's alwaysbeen a big part of my life.
I've written a lot of evenmaybe complete novels and
children's books and tons ofpoetry through the years, but I
always just kind of kept it tomyself.
(00:40):
My family knew that I wrote myhusband, my children, my
extended family but it'ssomething that I never really
had confidence in and a lot ofthat is tied to the trauma that
I experienced throughout myearly years and it's something I
learned to kind of keep myvoice small.
So about a couple of years ago Istarted experiencing some
really big health issues andduring that time you kind of
(01:01):
realize puts things intoperspective that I'm going to be
54 this year and that life isnot promised, and this is
something I've wanted for solong that it's either kind of
now or never, because I don'tknow, do I get two years, do I
get 20 years?
And that's kind of the unknown.
Really sitting down with myselfand working through a lot of
(01:27):
the problems that I was havingwith being able to get out of my
own way and being able torealize this dream that has been
with me as long as I canremember, and finally finishing
a book, having it in editing andworking on publishing it, and
even finishing a couple ofchildren's books that I had and
they've finished illustrationsand they're going to go up
shortly as well um to to be outthere in the world, which is
(01:51):
both exciting and very scary itis.
Nicole Tuxbury (01:54):
It's amazing, like once you like write one,
like I guess it's like tattoos,you're like I gotta do another
one exactly, it's true, it'svery, very true.
Stephanie Essary (02:04):
It is funny there's kind of a theme of a
tattoo going on in this, in thisbook that my first book that I
finished yes, it is, and so thisbook in particular.
It's something that has existedin some form as far back as when
I was 12 years old.
One of the first books orstories, rather and it was
written in the voice of a 12year old was when I was 12 years
(02:25):
old and it was about a girlthat was a journalist and she
there was this missing girl thatshe was following, and the girl
started showing up and and allthese places that she was at and
nobody believed her.
So that story obviously was ina different form.
But when I decided to resurrectone of these stories, I took
that and I kind of wove it intothe story as it is.
(02:47):
So for me this particular storywas the one that I needed to
finish, the first, because ittook just things I've written
through the years and it's justa beautiful kind of melody of
all of these things and all ofthese different parts of my life
in this one book and I'm veryproud of it and I'm really
excited to kind of put it out inthe world and see what others
(03:09):
think about it as well.
Nicole Tuxbury (03:11):
That is.
That is amazing and I love that.
You know, that's one of thethings I talk about in my book
that sometimes we end up like inthese random paths or what
seemed like random paths, butthen looking back, you're like,
wow, those things were preparingme for, for this right.
Because we go through thingsand we're like, why did that
(03:31):
happen?
And we meet certain people orwe gain certain skills that we
can take with us.
And, in your case, I love howyou were able to take all those
elements, because you you couldhave just not written right, but
you did right and you were likeI don't know what I'm gonna do
this, I'm doing it for myself.
And then one day you look backand you were like I don't know
what I'm gonna do this, I'mdoing it for myself.
And then one day you look backand you're like, oh my gosh,
look at this, look at thisbeautiful entire story that I
can just weave together now.
(03:51):
So I love that, I love thatjourney.
So overcome yourself.
So tell me a little bit abouthow you came to writing the book
right, because, like, there'sgot to be like a great story
underneath that.
So talk to me a little bitabout that.
Sure sure.
Stephanie Essary (04:07):
So I have been on my own way a long time and I
mentioned before there was alot of trauma and I think for
most of us we have some trauma.
You know that we've dealt withthrough the years in various
forms.
And for myself I you know Ihave CP, cptsd, which is from
childhood trauma and abuse, andI was taught very young to keep
(04:29):
that voice small and one of theways that I dealt with that was
by writing, whether it wasjournaling or creating these
stories or writing poetry, andso for myself it's always been a
very therapeutic way for me todeal with whatever it is that I
was going through.
And even though through theyears I kind of chose safer
paths as far as professionallywriting was something I always
(04:52):
went back to, and especiallyduring those times that I was
struggling and I came to a pointwhere I realized that so much
what I was writing was really itwas good, I felt like it was
really good.
I was always told that it wasreally good.
I felt like it was really good.
I was always told that it wasreally good.
But I was scared because myvoice again was just very small
and my daughter I had given mydaughter my older daughter some
(05:14):
boxes, and she was going throughthese boxes and came upon a
couple of the notebooks I haveand when I tell you I have
hundreds of notebooks, I havehundreds of notebooks filled
with everything and it reallystarted thinking about when I'm
gone, I don't want my children,and now my three beautiful
grandkids, to go through theseboxes and see all of these
unfinished stories, things thatI was always too scared to
(05:35):
finish or too scared to put outin the world, because this is
the one thing that meant more tome Of course, not as much as my
children and my husband, but itwas the one thing I was most
scared of failing at, because itmattered the most.
It was the thing that kept mesane, that kept me safe, that
helped me navigate the just thehorrible points of my childhood,
(05:58):
and so that's why I was reallyscared to do it.
So I thought a lot about it andthen my husband and I ended up
moving to San Diego for his job,and I found it very therapeutic
, kind of walking by the waterand and being here, and then I
don't know what happened.
I started thinking a lot aboutwhat life means and how much
time I have left and all ofthese things, and I'm like I
(06:20):
want to finish one of thesestories.
So I took a couple of stories.
Like I mentioned, there's that12-year-old story that exists in
some way.
It's about a journalist thatshe is healing from an accident
that she was in a couple ofyears prior, both physically and
mentally from it, and duringthe course of this she thinks
she has her life together.
She has a great boyfriend, asupportive family, just a great
(06:44):
career, and she feels that herlife is good, that she's really
been able to put it backtogether after this accident.
And then she starts havingthese very, very vivid dreams of
people and places that she'snever been to or never known,
but she feels really, reallyconnected to.
And it leads her to reconnectwith the husband of someone else
that was lost in the sameaccident.
And then she is tasked withfinishing the story or one of
(07:04):
the stories of someone else thatwas lost in the same accident.
And then she is tasked withfinishing the story or one of
the stories of his wife, becauseshe had never been able to
finish the stories Because shetoo had been, she had, you know,
had dealt with childhood abuseand all of this.
So it just it was a way a verysafe way for me to take parts of
my life and compile it intothis beautiful book about what
(07:27):
it is, how far our minds kind ofgo sometimes to protect us from
trauma and grief, but also indoing so, it often keeps us from
being able to fully step intowho we are.
So there were a lot of thosethings acted as a catalyst.
Is not wanting to leave theseunfinished stories for my
children to uncover and mygrandchildren to uncover, and
(07:47):
then it becomes their burden.
My fears become their burden,and I didn't want that to happen
.
I wanted to.
I wanted to leave them withsomething that was finished, and
this book is part of tellingthat story and I continue, I
want to continue to do that.
Nicole Tuxbury (08:02):
I love that.
So my mom died when she was 29.
I was one and a half, and sothat really resonates with me
because I'm like I want, I wantto leave a legacy.
I want to leave something wheremy kids will be able to read,
like what did I think about?
What did I believe you knowwhere they could hear my voice?
Because I don't have any ofthose things, and so I think
(08:31):
that's just absolutely beautifuland it's amazing that we do get
to build a legacy like this,and I want to commend you for
being brave and for taking thatstep.
And we really, you know, one ofthe things that I talk with my
clients about is talking to oursubconscious sometimes, because
we have those fears and so wehave to acknowledge it, like
thank you, thank you for keepingme safe.
I know that you are displayingall of these scary situations
(08:51):
that can happen because you'retrying to keep me safe, but I'm
trying to do this so that we canbe better, safer, right, like
there's a whole new level ofsafe, and that's where we're
trying to go to, and so, if youwill help me with this, not only
will we be safe, we're going tobe better off.
And yeah, and sometimes youreally do have to talk to them,
right, we have to.
(09:11):
It's a conversation, it's not aone-time thing.
We're going to hey rememberthat we're doing this to be
safer, right, but really that'ssomething that we have to,
really to calm our mind downbecause at the end of the day,
just like you said, it's tryingto keep us safe, um, and so I
love that so much.
So tell us a little bit more umabout.
(09:34):
I want to know more about yourjourney to becoming an author.
Stephanie Essary (09:39):
So that's a scary one.
It's really hard.
When I decided to finish thisbook and truly finish it, I
think I turned on my OCD becauseI was just so absorbed with
finishing it.
So I was writing 12, 14 hours aday, and keep in mind that a
lot of this material alwaysalready existed in some form, so
it was just a part of takingpieces of this and pieces of
(10:01):
that and putting it togetherlike this puzzle of this story.
So one of the things I will sayand I've read this about other
authors so I don't feel so badnow is that if you would go
through all of those notebooks Iwrite in such I have a very ADD
mind and so you will seepost-it notes and you'll see
scattered pieces here and there,so nobody would have ever made
(10:23):
been able to truly make sense ofit, I think.
And so part of that was reallytrying to figure out how to
streamline it, how to work in abetter way to be able to make
this happen, because in the pastI would write something, almost
finish it, but then I would bekind of sidelined with this
other story idea or this poem Iwanted to do.
So part of that process wasbeing able to really focus on
(10:47):
finishing this piece, because Iwould never be able to get it
published if I have all theseother stories, but I needed to
finish this one.
So I really had to sit withmyself and reteach myself some
things about staying organized,about, you know.
Hey, let's create a process forreally making this happen.
So that's probably the biggest,that's the hardest thing that I
(11:09):
had to overcome and that'sreally had to get out of my way
there.
So I spent a lot of time, youknow, putting the novel together
and then, once I finished it, Iwas so proud of myself for
finishing it because it wastruly a finished piece, right.
And then I had to hand it overto an editor and I will tell you
(11:29):
, for me it felt very much likeraising a child, like you pour
all of this love into it and youthink it is the most wonderful
thing to ever exist and it hassuch beautiful parts.
And to hand it over to someoneelse, like handing them over to
school.
It's like now they're going totake what I created.
What are they going to do withit?
Are they going to remove someof the things that I instilled
(11:50):
in it?
So it's sat with and it's stillwith my, you know, final editing
stage and that in itself is avery difficult process because
it has 160,000 words.
So we already know that itneeds to be, you know, taken
down and she says, okay, we needto get this down to about
130,000 words for your firstnovel, it's just, it's a good
(12:15):
number to work with.
Thousand words for your firstnovel it's just, it's a good
number to work with.
And so that in itself has beenvery, very difficult to to come
to terms with.
I've got to remove some ofthese things.
So, even when you get to thepoint of your writing, you're
still handing it over to someoneelse that may have a different
idea as to whether or not thestory progresses the way that it
should to really be able toengage the readers.
(12:36):
So that has been.
It's been a little bit hard tonavigate.
That I'll be perfectly honest.
I know that my writing skillsare there.
I know that that's.
That's good.
That's the one thing she saidis really good, but of course
there's parts of it that mayneed to be changed and and
reworked.
I had to take some of the scenesand move it up sooner, so there
(13:01):
was a lot of push and pull and,and there was times I wanted to
quit, you know, during thatprocess too, because I'm like,
okay, this is harder than Ithought.
You know, I really love thisstory and I know that we're
creating something quitebeautiful.
And then we had to talk abouthow you know I really love this
story and I know that we'recreating something quite
beautiful.
And then we had to talk abouthow, you know now the path to
(13:22):
publishing, to go a traditionalroute.
She feels, yes, you can get atraditional publisher.
I really believe that.
However, it's something that cantake three to five years and it
kind of goes back to the time.
Do I don't want to say doom andgloom.
I do have some health issues,but it's something that, if I
take really good care of myself,I can be here until I'm 80 or
(13:43):
90.
But you really start thinkingabout what time do I have left
and do I want to commit to athree to five year trajectory?
Because I have boxes of stories, I have things that I want to
put out in the world.
So that's something that we'reworking through now.
Will I go through selfpublishing or do I want to take
that traditional route?
Nicole Tuxbury (14:04):
Yeah, and there's a lot of pros and cons.
I hosted a summit last yearstop writing, start selling.
So there's a lot of informationabout that on there.
But there's pros and cons totraditional versus
self-publishing.
Um, a lot of people just toclarify for the audience think
that when you get a traditionalpublisher you're like, oh, I'm
good, uh, they're gonna handleeverything for me, and
(14:26):
unfortunately that's no longerthe case.
Like you're still responsiblefor your own marketing.
So the benefit, the biggestbenefit, is just that advance,
um, other than that, like you'restill going to be doing all the
marketing and all the fun stuff, and so there's a lot to look
at.
But I love self-publishing.
I've self-published betweenjournals and books and workbooks
(14:47):
like over 15 now and I'mworking on my big one, which is
also in editing.
I have I don't know where it is, but I have my advanced reader
copy somewhere around here or myauthor copy where you know I'm
sending to my editor, but it's.
It is such a process and when Ifirst sent it to my editor, my
(15:09):
note was this isn't a book, thisis a research paper.
So like we're going to have toredo this.
I like that, I like that.
So you know good but not great,because it's like this is great
information, you know, good butnot great, cause it was like
this is great information, butnobody wants to read a research
paper.
So we're going to have to makethis.
So, whether you are writingfiction or nonfiction, having an
editor, it is very scary, butit is definitely very worth it.
(15:33):
Your story is just going to beso much better.
My words, there's so many wordsthat I use so much, so much.
You know, like then, then, so Ididn't even know that I use
them so many times.
Stephanie Essary (15:49):
I've already gotten that part.
I knew, I knew it and Iactually handed over, I gave it
to my daughter to kind of readthrough and she's like, mom,
you've used, but you know somany like there's.
There are words that you usekind of over and over again and
I'm a very descriptive writerand I do find and there's I
don't want to say there's anissue with that.
(16:09):
I think it's very important tobe able to kind of bring readers
into these worlds, right.
But I think sometimes you cankind of go a little far by
describing everything andsomething.
When I'm I've sat down with thedevelopmental editor is
recognizing, you want to show,and then you want to tell.
And she said to me you show andyou tell, which is like you,
really you draw people in withyour descriptions, but then you
(16:32):
kind of reiterate that bytelling and you don't
necessarily need both.
So that's some of the thingsthat can be removed from that
novel, you know.
And so, yes, you recognize, um,and that makes you a better
writer, right, because you, youfigure out, uh, these are things
I have to change so that I canexpedite the process on this
next novel that you know I wantto put out as well yeah, and in
(16:54):
everything right, like even nowwhen I'm writing for my website
or social media copy and thingsI'm like I don't need't need to
bend there.
Nicole Tuxbury (17:00):
Like I read the sentence, I'm like, oh, we can
get rid of all those words Right, but you do learn.
You learn in the process and itdoes, so that's, that's
fantastic.
I absolutely love that.
Stephanie, you also mentioned Ijust want to touch on this, but
you mentioned some kids books.
I got to help on some kidsbooks last year, so tell us a
little bit about that.
Stephanie Essary (17:21):
I love them.
So I wrote kids books when frommy own children.
I wrote them stories when theywere younger.
And then, as I mentionedearlier, I have three beautiful
grand babies.
They are three, one and one,and when we moved to San Diego
we obviously were a little bitfurther from them.
But we do daily video calls andso in these daily video calls
(17:42):
I'll get on there and I'll singwith them and we'll do, you know
, little things, I'll tell themlittle stories, that kind of
thing.
And so I created this seriescalled Lila and Papa's Grand
Adventures.
It's essentially twograndparents that are in
California and they'recommunicating with their little
grandkids that are in you knowanother state and they're on
these video calls and then theygo on these virtual kind of just
(18:05):
adventures together, and it'sgoing to be a series.
I've actually written eightstories, and so the first one is
illustrated, beautifullyillustrated.
I have a beautiful illustratorand so that one's actually
already ready.
So in the next couple of weekswe'll be able to put that on
Amazon.
And then I did have a took oneof the books that I wrote about,
I guess about 12 years ago andfor my youngest daughter, called
(18:28):
the golden thread, and thatone's an illustrated
illustration almost finishedthat one and that is about how
we carry on characteristics,whether they're traditions or
our traits and things like that,from those that came before us.
So the Golden Thread is aboutthis magical thread that comes
in and it takes this little girlon a journey to see some of her
(18:49):
ancestors and even her parentswhen they were little, and kind
of explains how we are shaped bythe people that came before us,
even those that weregenerations before, just in
stories and traditions thatcarry forward.
So those are two books thatwill be ready in the next month
to kind of go out to the worldand I'm going to be self
publishing those through Amazonbecause I wanted to get those
(19:10):
are a lot simpler than thisnovel, right, so that's going to
be first, but I am just so inlove with them and they're just
beautiful little stories and I'mexcited about this grand
adventures because I do knowthere's a lot of grandparents
that don't get to be with theirgrandkids all the time and this
is a beautiful story that canjust help them connect.
Nicole Tuxbury (19:29):
I absolutely love that.
That is such a great market.
Stephanie Essary (19:33):
Oh my God, you're genius, Just genius girl.
I'm right.
That's why I said I'm kind of aJill of all trade not all
trades but I I love writing andit's been such a huge part of my
life that, like I said, frompoetry to short story journaling
, I've done it all, and writingin itself is just a beautiful
way for people to to reallylearn a lot about themselves and
(19:56):
to deal with things thatthey're going through.
Nicole Tuxbury (19:59):
I love that.
I love that and something thatI tell my clients all the time
that you're just like just doingsuch a wonderful example, like
you're just walking the walkright Is taking inventory.
What have you already created?
You had these stories like youwrote these stories the same way
that the Hobbit right, was itthe Hobbit that came out?
(20:20):
Um, coralline coralline waswritten, as I know it wasn't.
Was it written?
They read it as a like, as akid's story to the little kids,
and that's how they determinedif it was too scary.
And then, after it was published, they were like you weren't
scared, right, and they werelike, no, we weren't terrified,
but we had to know what happenednext, because it is pretty, um,
right, but so many amazingstories have come from bedtime
(20:44):
stories Like I'm just creatingthis world for you.
And then, boom, it becomes.
You know, it becomes real, itbecomes on paper and holding
something that you've written,that you've created, like it's
mind bending, like the other dayI had like a something like
online that was referencing mybook, and then I had, oh no, it
was a bookmark I made.
I had like a something likeonline that was referencing my
book and then I had, oh no, itwas a bookmark I made I had.
(21:04):
I had it like on the landingpage and then I had it like in
the real world, like it wassitting next to me, and I was
like, oh my god, like I made itlike it didn't exist and now it
does.
Stephanie Essary (21:13):
I know that is such a that's a wonderful
feeling and I can't wait to tophysically have that in there.
So I'm really there's nothinglike it, um, yeah all right.
Nicole Tuxbury (21:22):
So, um, final tips.
If you have any tips for thosepeople out there that they have
a book in them, they know thatthey want to be an author, but
they they just, for whateverreason, haven't.
Give give us your best tip forthem to just make some progress.
Stephanie Essary (21:39):
It doesn't have to be perfect.
I think we get so tied up inperfection that things have to
be written a certain way or haveto look a certain way.
I can't put it out in the worldbecause people will look at me
and find fault in it.
And just keep in mind, there'llalways be people out there that
may not like what you put out,but oh, when you touch the
people that do, and that's allyou have to do is keep moving,
(22:02):
just start moving forward andlook, I am navigating this now.
I'm by no means an expert in it, but I hope that the story that
I have to tell people and thethings that I have to share with
them five years from now is tobe able to look back and see
look, all I did was just startand look where I'm at now.
Nicole Tuxbury (22:19):
Yeah, because you know what?
You can't edit a blank page.
So if you hadn't had thecourage to write down your story
like, your editor couldn't belike this is how we make it
better, right?
So, like, even if it you know,I'm sure it was great, but, like
, even if we start withsomething bad, we can work up to
great by editing it.
Well, we don't need this, let'sadd this, let's talk about this
(22:41):
, and then boom, now you havesomething great.
But you were brave enough tostart and so I love that.
I love that.
Thank you, of course, you'revery welcome.
Now, how can our readers?
How can our readers?
Stephanie Essary (22:52):
we've been talking about books there will
be readers someday so they canreach me on my website, so you
can go to stephanieesserycom.
There I have everything fromthe books that are going to be
coming soon.
This particular novel theLanguage of Dreams is what it's
called is going to be put out.
First.
I have the two children's booksthat are on there and you can
(23:14):
kind of see some of theillustrations and just how
lovely they are, and then onethat I'm currently working on,
which is from Good Bones, whichis about a Southern Louisiana
family like my own and just howbeautiful imperfect legacies can
be, and on that website you canalso catch my podcast.
You can find out more about thebooks.
(23:34):
They will be sharing bookexcerpts.
They're going to be.
There is a playlist of songsthat I listened to while I was
kind of finalizing it, so lotsof good information there, and
it will also have the links thatyou can find me on Instagram
and Facebook.
Nicole Tuxbury (23:48):
Awesome, that is amazing, and I'll make sure all
those links that she mentionedare going to be available down
in the show notes or thecomments wherever you're
watching.
All right, and that's it.
Thank you so much for joiningus today, stephanie.
This has been absolutelyamazing.
Congratulations on taking thebiggest small step you can take,
which was starting.
I can't wait to see you publishyour books.
(24:10):
I can't wait to see all theamazing things that are coming
for you.
That's awesome.
Stephanie Essary (24:13):
Thank you so much, nicole, it was a pleasure.
Nicole Tuxbury (24:16):
Thanks, we'll talk soon.
See you online.
Bye guys, see you next time.
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!