November 16, 2024 • 34 mins
Have you ever caught yourself slipping back into old patterns of stress and pressure? In this episode, I share a personal moment of recognising my own 'Stressy Pants' behaviour and how I gently shifted back to calm and clarity.
Learn how to notice the early signs of overwhelm, why it’s okay to laugh at yourself, and practical steps to stop stress in its tracks
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Gentle Rebellion, where overwhelm is
optional.
Hello, hello, hello, how areyou doing?
Lovely to have you here with me.
So this week I've got as normal, but it feels more chaotic in
(00:22):
my head.
Several things I want to talkabout, but I've got to pick one.
I'm still, as I say this, I'mstill between two ideas,
particularly inspired byyesterday's coaching session in
the Gentle Rebel community.
Oh, which one should we pick?
Which one should we pick?
Does it matter?
What if I pick the wrong one?
What if I don't do it justice?
(00:42):
Right, let's do this oneMountains, mountains out of
molehills.
Let's do that one.
I've done episodes before abouthow to turn a mountain into a
molehill.
That'll be a couple of yearsago.
If you want to check back,that'll be worth looking,
because that gives us techniquefor turning a mountain into a
(01:05):
molehill.
But this week I'm just going tobe really honest and talk about
how I made a huge mountain, ahuge mountain, out of a molehill
, well, out of a situation whichcould have been a molehill had
I chosen to see it that way.
Let's put it that way have beena molehill had I chosen to see
(01:27):
it that way.
Let's put it that way, becauseit feels a bit judgmental, even
as I say this, to say, oh Heidi,you just made a mountain out of
a molehill.
Stressy pants, stressy pants.
That's a bit unfair.
So here's how it went.
I went to stay with my elderlyaunt and she's lovely and I like
hanging out with her.
However, most of her relationsare not in this country, so it's
tricky.
But she's fine, she does reallywell, she's thriving.
(01:49):
However, she's also old, she'selderly, so you know she needs
some stuff, help with stuff.
It's not like she can doeverything online, not for that
generation.
It's quite tricky.
She has help, she has carers,there's all sorts of stuff
around, so it's not just aboutme.
However, when I go there, if Ican help in any way, of course
(02:12):
I'm going to do it.
So I already knew that therewas an issue with her losing
front door keys and that itneeded checking.
So I was on it.
I thought, oh, it'll be fine,because either there's a problem
and it hasn't been resolved orI just go and get some more cut.
That's okay, that's solvable,right?
It's not that hard, as long asthere's one door key, which
(02:34):
there has to be becauseobviously the carers get in,
then everything's fine.
It didn't work out that way andI'm still kind of looking back
at myself thinking how did I letit get to me?
How did I make such a bananasout of the situation?
Because I really didn't need to.
(02:56):
And actually I'm hoping, as Itell you my tale, my sorry tale,
you will laugh.
I'm hoping you'll resonate andit'll make you feel better about
yourself when you do this.
If you still do it, I don'toften do this anymore.
This is, this is me when I wasin stressy pants mode of being
all things to everyone and youknow, big career, lots of
(03:17):
pressure, and then I burnt out.
This is how it was all the time, but not at work.
So at work I could just thetime, but not at work.
So at work I could just managepeople really well, kick ass,
get things done, and then athome, oh my goodness, I often
turned into a raving banshee ofstress because I was just
suppressing the stress all day,compressing myself and then
(03:37):
exploding at home.
My poor partner.
Anyway, I did it again.
Oh my goodness, I haven't donethis for years because I
deliberately practice not doingthis, so it's kind of
embarrassing really, and I stilldon't really know how it got to
me in that way.
I'm still a bit confused, butI'm not going to overanalyze it,
(04:00):
I'm just going to let it go.
So here goes.
Overanalyze it, I'm just goingto let it go.
So here goes.
So basically, the issue of thedoor keys, which is solved by
getting more door keys cut right.
If that happens, it's fine,it's okay.
Became, I just got involved inall the stress and it ended with
, when I arrived home Sundaylunchtime I literally exploded
(04:23):
into the door and I was aware Iwas doing it as well.
This is what's interesting.
So I was kind of like I'm notgoing to do it.
If I say anything, I'm going tosay it as a funny tale.
It would be fine, but I didn't.
I went in and just literallythat everything came up about
the whole weekend and all thebefuddled stuff.
And then I was watching mypartner.
(04:44):
It's like I could watch myselfwhile I was doing it.
I could see myself explodingwith stress.
It's like the stress wasvomiting all over the kitchen.
My partner's obviously had areally nice weekend without me,
because he likes space, I likespace.
We give each other space Reallyimportant for us and he's
obviously had this lovelyweekend.
(05:04):
He decorated the windows withthese little autumn leaves.
I don't, I think.
I think we got them in america.
I don't know what he's, I don'tknow he does these magical
things.
He transformed the house intothis autumn decorated it was
lovely and he'd obviously, andhe was cooking dinner and he
just basically carries oncooking dinner and he's walking
to the cupboard and the fridgeand coming back again and I'm
(05:26):
part of me thinking you're notreally listening to me, you're
not really listening to me.
And then I'm part another partof my brain's going well, of
course he's not, because he justwants you to stop and you want
to stop, but I couldn't stop.
You know, it's just likewatching this train ride.
It was all almost like going.
It was kind of like a splitlike this is what you used to be
, like maybe this is what.
So what's the gift in this forme, seeing how far I've come?
(05:48):
There you go.
Anyway, I'm basically justranted at him for 10 minutes and
then felt terrible and what Idid by doing that?
Because it didn't really itdidn't resolve.
Nothing happened.
I mean, you could argue therewere things he could have done
and it would have helped resolve, and there are, but that's not
(06:09):
how he functions and anyway, Idon't really want to come home
and try and resolve.
There was nothing to there,wasn't?
The thing is, there wasn'tanything to resolve because the
situation had been resolved,obviously before I'd left,
because I'm not going to leavean elderly aunt without a key.
So there wasn't anything toresolve.
So I just felt this need to talkit through.
(06:30):
But I wasn't talking it through.
I was literally explodingstress at him which was just
coming back at me, so I was justmagnifying it.
You know how you have onethought and then another thought
and they're just likemagnetizes and expands into this
fireball of well stress which,so I created a mountain which I
(06:52):
then had to climb down from andactually I felt stressed for the
rest of the day.
Then I mean, I did think, notas highly stressed because I did
things to de-stress, but Istill was holding it, and part
of it was because I was then nothappy with the fact that I'd
then done that, because I'dincreased the stress by
(07:14):
repeating it as a story and itcould have been a funny story.
And when I've calmed down fromit it will be a funny story In
fact.
Let's see if we can.
Let's see if we can do that nowfor you.
Okay.
So this is what happened.
So I arrive, there's one key andI'm like, and I don't want to
go in there going, have you lostall your keys?
Blah, blah, blah, becausebecause that's I'm going to
(07:36):
treat her with respect, it's herhouse.
I'm not going to go in there asif I'm on a mission to to sort
out a problem.
I've gone to spend time withher because I like her company
and, yes, she does need somelooking after, but I'm happy to
do that, but the main point isto just hang out with her.
So I arrive and we get chattingand then I'm aware there's a
(07:58):
door key issue, but I don't wantto draw too much attention to
it.
I'm looking around seeing, oh,but I can only see one key and
it's in the door.
And then we go to go out andunfortunately, I can't find the
key.
And the only thing that'shappened between me noticing
(08:23):
there's one key and deciding togo out for coffee and at the
same time time we can just getsome more keys cut the only
thing that's happened at thattime is the carer has been and
the key was definitely in thedoor and she wouldn't steal it.
But where's this key?
So I don't know what to do,because we need to go and get
(08:43):
some keys cut and there's someother things we needed to do and
we couldn't leave the housebecause we haven't got a key.
And what I should have donewith hindsight is sit down and
just go.
Well, that's weird, because ifI'd done that, the issue would
have been resolved completely.
That's not what happened.
(09:07):
I'm, then, on the mission of.
I'm feeling the responsibilityof being the only person in the
universe to solve this problem,because it has to be solved,
because the shops will shut andI won't be able to get a key cut
.
I'm going home on a Sunday, sothere's a time limit here, right
, and I can't leave her withonly.
Well, now we've got no key.
So we can't leave the housebecause we haven't got a key.
So then I remember.
So I'm like basic, before Iremember there's a key box
(09:29):
outside.
I'm basically gently turning thehouse upside down.
So I'm not stressy pantsturning upside down, because,
first of all, that's not a goodenergy, that I'm not available
for that energy, and secondly,that's really unkind.
It's not my house, it's not myhome.
I can't just go.
You know, sorting, riflingthrough everything.
That's just rude.
(09:49):
So I'm just gently looking andI'm wandering in and out of the
room where my aunt's sitting.
I'm saying that's weird.
Can't find the key anywhere.
I wonder what's happened to thekey?
Have you got any spare keys?
By which time my aunt's saying,no, we definitely had some more
cut last week.
And I'm like, okay, that's goodthen.
But I'm thinking, was it lastweek?
Was it last year?
Because sometimes she forgetsand I can't see these keys
(10:11):
anywhere.
So if there are these sparekeys, where are these spare keys
, these magical spare keys thatshould apparently cut?
So then I'm messaging hergranddaughter, who is the other
nearby relative, to sayapparently you helped to get
some key.
Where are these keys, thesespare keys that you've got?
She doesn't get back to meuntil the end of the weekend.
(10:32):
So that didn't help at all.
So I don't know what to do.
So I'm messaging.
I'm messaging my cousin inAmerica saying I don't know
where these keys, I don't knowwhat to do, which isn't helpful
because she can't do anything.
She's in America.
That's why it's all down to me,right, you can see?
You can see the pressure herewas all down to me.
(10:53):
So I'm turning the house upsidedown, without turning the house
upside down.
I'm then going through all thecoat pockets, which I'm not
entirely comfortable with butneeds must.
All I find is obviously tissuesand dog the things you take for
a dog walk, dog poo bags, dogbiscuits, dog biscuits the
normal stuff.
There's nothing unusual.
There's no keys.
What do I do Then?
(11:14):
I remember, ah, there's a keybox outside.
So I asked for the pass code,which I ought to know really
didn't I?
But I'd forgotten.
And there's a key in there.
I'm like, yes, there's a key,there's the one last key in the
world.
And I come in triumphantly andsay, look, we've got a key, we
can go out now and we can getsome more keys cut while we go
out for coffee.
But I'm now down to the evenmore pressure.
(11:37):
I'm the only person in theworld who can solve this problem
.
It has to be solved today,because the shops will shut and
there's only one key.
And I am joking at this stage.
I'm going no, you are nottouching that key, it's the last
key, you're not losing any morekeys.
So I'm putting the key in mypocket.
So I'm kind of key At thisstage.
(11:58):
There's still some humor, right.
But unfortunately there wasanother pressure happening, so
you can see this collidence ofstuff.
So, also, what was going on ismy aunt's having trouble with
her bank card.
She'd been out for lunch with afriend and it didn't work.
And it was her turn to pay andshe couldn't pay, which isn't
much fun.
It's not nice, right, notterrible, but it's not good.
(12:21):
And I can't leave her without afront door key and without a
bank card that works, and thebank card can only be sorted by
her.
So somebody has to help hermake the phone call to the bank
or go to bank.
Well, there aren't any banksleft, right, so we can't go into
a bank because they don't exist.
We would have to go into thecentre of a city.
(12:44):
She's had two hip replacements.
This isn't going well, right,and it's Saturday afternoon,
probably not going to be openanyway, right, so it's not.
This isn't going well, so we'regoing to have to phone.
Now, I don't like making phonecalls and I also don't know to
banks and things like.
It's so boring, it's just.
Oh, I get, I just get cross.
They're the kind of things Iprocrastinate about, so I've got
(13:12):
to suck it up.
But then I'm like, well, it'snot my, I can't do it.
Will she remember the detailsshe needs to access her account?
I don't know.
And then will she be able toexplain it in a way that they
understand?
How well is this bank set up todeal with an elderly person?
I don't know.
So I do the first bit, I gether through until it tells her
what to do and then I hand itover.
So we're through.
(13:36):
We're talking to somebody.
She can't understand thisperson because they do have a
strong accent.
I'm struggling to understandthem, to be fair, but I'm
letting her handle it.
She's a grown up.
I'm not going to make her feelsmaller, but it's tricky.
So I'm there to help.
Anyway, the first guy we speakto says right, we're going to
have to cancel the card and sendanother one, and I'm in the
background going is that reallynecessary?
Because she won't have a carduntil it arrives.
(13:58):
You know this is concerning.
I'm not.
I don't live near enough by, soI'm like oh my goodness, can we
just sort this today?
And we need to leave because wehave to go and get this key cut
before the shop's shut.
Pressure, pressure, pressure.
I can see some element ofsuperhero rubbish going on here.
I'm the only person who cansort this.
Pressure, pressure, pressureAnyway.
Then the call gets unexpectedlyended.
(14:22):
Whoops, we can all do it.
This isn't necessarily aboutbeing 87.
This can happen to anyone,right?
So I'm like, oh my goodness, sowe're gonna have to go through
it again.
Me who likes to procrastinateand avoid these kind of phone
calls, got to go through thewhole thing again.
I force myself to do it becauseI realise right now this is the
(14:43):
best option.
I might not be the only personI expect the caring, the carers
company that has people who canhelp with this as well, but at
in that moment I'm just likesuck it up, heidi, get it sorted
, man up, so we get throughagain.
We get another person, alsowith a different but very strong
accent, and we go through thewhole thing again and he doesn't
really understand what we'resaying.
(15:04):
He doesn't really understandthe situation.
The card is working sometimes,but not all of the time.
So this isn't much fun.
So then I, I just interject andsay who I am and blah, blah,
and then they, they do the wholesecurity thing so I can talk
with her there and that's good.
I was impressed by that.
I thought that was good.
And then, anyway, we get itsorted.
(15:25):
It turns out I didn't know this.
Did you know this?
It turns out that I knew I knewabout the.
So you know this.
It turns out that I knew aboutthe.
So in England they've raisedthe contact less thing from a
day, from like 50 quid to 100quid or something.
But I knew that you could setit to what you wanted.
But what I didn't know was thatonline shopping counts as part
(15:46):
of that limit.
So she'd had a food shoppingdelivered and then it had taken
most of it, so she couldn't usea card.
Wow.
But unfortunately, what shouldhave happened in the shop is it
should have come up with anoption to put your pin in, but
it didn't.
It just put up some scary errormessage.
(16:07):
Goodness me.
And anyway, she's 87.
This is really hard, right?
I mean, it's hard enough formost of us when we're busy and
overwhelmed, but when you'reelderly, all this tech is just
too much.
It's really, really hard.
Anyway, so it turned out all wehave to do is go to a cash
point and unlock.
(16:28):
No, we don't even know this.
Know this?
Apparently it.
No, I thought.
We then sorted it and then hesaid if it happens again.
You go to a cash point and thenyou go to the other services
and you can sort it out, right.
But I thought, okay, so well,now we're going into town to
have a coffee to get these keyscut.
And I thought, if we go to acash point and check this way of
(16:52):
doing this, then at least we'llknow what to do next time.
So that's what we do we set off, we take the new little dog off
, we go.
Now, obviously somebody's hadtwo hip replacements and is 87,
doesn't walk that fast, but I'mokay with that until I'm on a
mission to get this stuff sorted, which I really really want to
(17:13):
do.
So, to start with, I'm reallypatient.
I'm actually I'm reflectingthis that I was really patient
and I was and I was genuinelyokay with this.
But first of all, we went tothe key cutting place and the
there's two shops next to eachother doing this and the first
one's shut and I'm thinking, no,no, no, no, this, no, this
can't happen, this cannot behappening.
(17:33):
I go in the other one and theysay, oh, we can't do that
because it needs a specialmachine, and they're closed.
Uh-oh, can't solve the keyproblem.
In that moment I'm just like, ohwell, then something good's
going to happen, something good,it's all going to be fine.
But good's gonna happen,something good, it's all, it's
all gonna be fine, but it's notgreat, is it not great?
(17:55):
Not particularly comfortableleaving my aunt without a spare
door key.
What if she loses that door key?
And also that was the door keyin the key box in case of an
ambulance.
Oh no, it's not going well,it's not going well, it's not
going well, it's all getting abit much.
So then we go to a cash pointand the cash point doesn't seem
(18:17):
to have the instructions to getto these other services.
The only thing it can offer isreset the PIN.
I'm thinking, no, we can't dothat.
There's no way she's going tomemorise a new PIN.
That's just not.
That's not happening.
So I don't press any of thebuttons.
But she withdraws some cash.
So we know the card is working,the card's fine.
So I'm thinking we've done it,we've done it.
(18:37):
So we go to get a coffee and Iam, I'm happy, half the major
problems have been solved.
Right, it's okay.
So we do that.
And then we go to pay for somedog stuff in the pet shop
because she's got a new dog andthe car's refused.
(19:03):
Oh no, the problem is notresolved.
It's not resolved.
It says too many pin tries,which is weird because she
didn't get a chance to do anypin tries, but anyway doesn't
work.
So now I've got two problemsagain no keys, no bank card.
I'd argue these are pretty vitalthings.
Now, if I'd not been on such amission to solve everything like
(19:26):
a superhero, I could havethought of all of the other
options to this issue.
For example, she has carers.
I'm pretty sure you can paythem to do extra things like go
shopping, go to the bank, sortall this stuff out.
So you know, now I'm out of thestressy pants mode I can see
(19:47):
all of the other ways of doingthis.
She also does have agranddaughter, but the
granddaughter is very, very busystudying and working.
But you know there are otheroptions and we do have one key.
So it's not.
It's not a complete disaster.
It just feels like a disasterbecause I care very much and my
aunt is old and vulnerable insome ways, but I can't see any
(20:11):
of these possibilities in thatmoment.
I can only see kind of a bit ofa disaster.
So I think, right, well, I'm atleast helping her sort her
money out, because that matters.
She needs to be able to pay forthings.
There's things she needs to beable to do.
So I Google the bank and therearen't any banks.
(20:32):
But I think maybe we need to goto this particular bank's cash
point.
Maybe it's only on theseparticular cash points.
Now I'm saying this, I'm like,well, of course it was never
going to be this, but in my headthis is the only solution.
So I Google where there is thisbank's cash point and it's 10
minutes away.
So we go and do this and itturns out the machine doesn't
(20:58):
exist anymore.
I literally had built myself amountain to climb and I just
kept putting rocks on the top ofit to climb because obviously
this was never going to be thecase.
Now I've shrunk this mountainto a molehill.
I can see this was all nonsenseand that the entire escapade of
(21:21):
driving somewhere and goingaround in circles trying to park
very near to a cash point whichactually doesn't exist anymore,
with an aunt who just doesn'twant to apply for a blue badge
so we can park nearer, althoughI don't know if there were any
disabled spaces.
But anyway, all of thathilariousness was pointless
(21:43):
because, of course, I mean Iknow banks have closed down and
it's a bit of a pain, but theystill need their customers to be
able to do things.
So there's no way that, inorder to sort your card out, you
have to drive God knows how farin order to get to a particular
brand of cash point to sort out.
I just don't think it doesn'twork that way, does it?
(22:05):
Anyway, I just, in the end, gowell, that cash back point I
have to do.
So we go to this cash point.
It's worded differently.
We find the other services, wedo what we need to do,
everything's fine.
And then I'm like now you haveto test this card.
We, this has to be done.
But she's got the dog and she'sshe's getting pretty tired
(22:25):
because she's been draggedaround to a lot of places and
walked further than she normallywould with these two new hips.
So I go in and just buysomething for 49p with her card,
and then everything's fine andI'm in this jubilant mood of yes
, we've got that one sorted.
And then we I mean we do laughon the way back and she is
(22:46):
saying I'm so glad you're withme, because when you do these
things on your own.
You get really upset and I'mthis is fine, and we have lunch
in the pub and everything's good, apart from the keys.
And then we get back and Ithink, okay, so I couldn't get
the keys cut.
They may or may not be somespare keys cut.
I don't know where they are,but there's still a chance we
(23:07):
can save the day and find therest of them.
So I start looking in all sortsof other places for these keys
and then in the end I message mycousin, who's in America, so
she's asleep.
And then I go to sleep and Iwake up to a message saying have
you checked the key box?
So there's a place to keep keys?
(23:28):
Oh my goodness, I didn't knowthat.
If I'd known that this isanother key box, if I'd known
that.
So, so it's just how peopleorganize their house, right?
So it's just a tidiness thing.
Oh my goodness, I don't, Idon't.
And then I forget about themessage because I receive it
early in the morning, and thenI'm looking for keys again.
(23:51):
This is what happens understress, isn't it?
You just don't think clearly.
Everything's inefficient.
It's insane the amount of timeI spent looking for keys that
weekend and all the time theproblem had been solved.
There were already new keys cutsafely, put, tidied away, ready
new keys cut safely, put,tidied away.
(24:12):
And if I actually think now, ifI had sat down calmly and just
allowed the stress to go,allowed myself not to see it as
an emergency, then actually myaunt would have remembered where
she put the new keys Right andthat would have been it and we
(24:35):
wouldn't have had to walk.
We walked 1.2 miles, accordingto my phone.
That's a long way for her atthe moment.
She was knackered and it had.
I mean, it was fine in terms oflike we were laughing about it,
but it was exhausting because Iwas worried about her.
I just wanted to do thesethings for her because I love
her and I just I didn't do it ina stressy point way at the time
(24:59):
because obviously she's thereand I don't want to alarm her
and she doesn't want me stressedand we like each other's
company.
But it was stressful.
I felt the weight ofresponsibility, but I didn't
need to because I wasn't theonly person who could solve it.
It would all have got solvedanyway.
There are other people who cantake responsibility for it and I
(25:21):
didn't have to sort it allthere and then it just didn't
have to happen that way.
I could have done itdifferently.
I could have chilled out a bitand thought about it, and it
could have just really beengoing to the pub for lunch,
going to a cash point andpressing one button.
(25:42):
That would have been more fun.
So that was interesting.
Why did I get so stressed?
Why?
Why did I get so stressed aboutit?
Well, I can see that it's to dowith loving somebody who's
vulnerable and wanting to lookafter them.
I can see that it's about notwanting my cousin in
(26:04):
conscientious, highly driven,big hearted type of person thing
that I just go at thingsintensely like a bull at a gate.
(26:25):
I want it sorted now.
I can make things better.
So it would have been fine if Ihad let it go on the way home,
and I thought I was, but Iwasn't.
I wanted to come home and talkabout it.
Why did I want to come home andrepeat the story, don't know.
(26:50):
Did I want to be told thateverything would be okay?
Did I want to be told I'd donea good job and I was amazing?
I really don't know.
But in doing so, what Iactually did was increase the
mountain, because the wholething wasn't a mountain, it was
(27:10):
a molehill, it was just normalstuff.
That happens.
It happens to all of us.
So you could say, say, well, asyou get older, you get more
forgetful and you're morevulnerable, so it's more
important, but actually to allof us having a working bank card
and a key to lock our door.
They're pretty fundamentalthings and losing them or them
not working properly has a bigimpact on us.
(27:32):
They are things that need to besorted urgently.
However, there were otherpeople urgently.
However, there were otherpeople who could have helped.
There were other solutions andalso the key thing that had
already been solved, but rightunder my nose were three spare
keys and I was unaware of them.
I couldn't see them.
How often does that happen?
(27:53):
It's like the hidden ease thing, isn't it?
That wasn't a problem.
It wasn't even a molehill.
It was nothing.
It was a tiny, tiny molehill ofjust reminding her where she
keeps her keys, or reminding thecarers where she keeps her keys
, or something remindingsomebody who could help.
(28:13):
It was nothing.
What a waste of energy.
That's not how I wanted tospend my weekend with my aunt.
The rest of the weekend wasgreat.
We caught up, we talked, it waslovely, but that wasn't good.
It wasn't good for me.
I was very tired afterwards andthe reason I was tired was I
(28:36):
had taken too much on Adrenaline, had spiked, gone into stress
mode, probably loads of cortisolgoing on, all sorts of rubbish,
and that just takes time towork its way through my body and
for me to recover.
I know this because I lived onthat for years until it did me
in and I was wondering why I wastired all the time.
(29:03):
So the good thing about this isthat it gives me a really clear,
if slightly embarrassing, storyabout what happens when I
revert to my old patterns, whichdoesn't happen.
I can't think of a time itreally doesn't happen.
So it's interesting and I knowmy mind desperately wants to go.
Why did you let it happen?
You have failed and all thatjudgment.
But I'm just, I'm not going tobother with any of that.
What if it happened?
(29:25):
So that I could see veryclearly just how far I've come?
What if it happened so I couldobserve myself behaving in a way
I used to behave and howutterly silly it is?
What if it's all for me?
And what if it's also for you?
(29:47):
So me owning up to being missdressy pants at weekend, but
being honest about the effect ithad and how I increased the
effect.
So I magnified the effect bybringing it home, ranting it all
out on my partner and keepingthat stress in my body and my
head, going over and over it.
(30:09):
So much there isn't there.
There's so many little tweaksall along the way.
There was.
There were opportunities to dothings differently by seeing
things differently, but the onlyway I can see things
differently is by allowing theadrenaline and the cortisol to
(30:30):
seep back to normal levels,which for me means pausing,
noticing, noticing that I'vegone into emergency mode and
noticing that, even when,arguably, you could say it is an
emergency, you could say thatbecause it was important.
However, being in emergencymode didn't help solve it, which
(31:01):
means that maybe it wasn't areal emergency, because there
are times, aren't, you do needto act really fast, but that
this was not one of them.
It made it worse.
So there you have it.
That's what happened to me atthe weekend.
Oh, my goodness.
It's also interesting becauseI've also heard myself saying
(31:24):
things like I had a reallystressy weekend, but that's not
true.
It's not true Overall.
There were lots of.
If I listed out all the thingsI did, then most of the weekend
was not those things that I'vejust described to you.
So labeling it as a stressyweekend is unhelpful, because
(31:48):
then it becomes rehearsed in mymemory as that stressful, which
then means it's just.
I'm increasing it again.
I had an eventful weekend whereI accidentally went into
emergency mode unnecessarily,and I can see the consequences
really embarrassingly clearly.
(32:09):
Oh, my goodness.
Anyway, I'm not going to end onthat note.
What I'm going to end on isthis yesterday I received some
flowers unexpectedly in the postwith a card saying just for
being you.
Wow, that's what I'm going toend on, because that's the kind
(32:38):
of thing I want to be saying.
That's the kind of thing I wantto hear myself saying.
Those are the stories I wish torepeat.
However, for you, I'm sharingthis one in case it helps you
shift out of stressy pants,emergency mode into more
effective ways of being.
(32:59):
Thanks for listening, please doshare, please do subscribe and,
if you're on Apple Podcasts, ifyou scroll they've made it
really hard to do this, but ifyou scroll right to the bottom,
you can leave a review whichhelps other people find it, and
I would be so grateful.
Thank you, have a great week.
Welcome to the Gentle Rebellion, where overwhelm is
optional.
Hello, hello, hello, how areyou doing?
Lovely to have you here with me.
So this week I've got as normal, but it feels more chaotic in
(00:22):
my head.
Several things I want to talkabout, but I've got to pick one.
I'm still, as I say this, I'mstill between two ideas,
particularly inspired byyesterday's coaching session in
the Gentle Rebel community.
Oh, which one should we pick?
Which one should we pick?
Does it matter?
What if I pick the wrong one?
What if I don't do it justice?
(00:42):
Right, let's do this oneMountains, mountains out of
molehills.
Let's do that one.
I've done episodes before abouthow to turn a mountain into a
molehill.
That'll be a couple of yearsago.
If you want to check back,that'll be worth looking,
because that gives us techniquefor turning a mountain into a
(01:05):
molehill.
But this week I'm just going tobe really honest and talk about
how I made a huge mountain, ahuge mountain, out of a molehill
, well, out of a situation whichcould have been a molehill had
I chosen to see it that way.
Let's put it that way have beena molehill had I chosen to see
(01:27):
it that way.
Let's put it that way, becauseit feels a bit judgmental, even
as I say this, to say, oh Heidi,you just made a mountain out of
a molehill.
Stressy pants, stressy pants.
That's a bit unfair.
So here's how it went.
I went to stay with my elderlyaunt and she's lovely and I like
hanging out with her.
However, most of her relationsare not in this country, so it's
tricky.
But she's fine, she does reallywell, she's thriving.
(01:49):
However, she's also old, she'selderly, so you know she needs
some stuff, help with stuff.
It's not like she can doeverything online, not for that
generation.
It's quite tricky.
She has help, she has carers,there's all sorts of stuff
around, so it's not just aboutme.
However, when I go there, if Ican help in any way, of course
(02:12):
I'm going to do it.
So I already knew that therewas an issue with her losing
front door keys and that itneeded checking.
So I was on it.
I thought, oh, it'll be fine,because either there's a problem
and it hasn't been resolved orI just go and get some more cut.
That's okay, that's solvable,right?
It's not that hard, as long asthere's one door key, which
(02:34):
there has to be becauseobviously the carers get in,
then everything's fine.
It didn't work out that way andI'm still kind of looking back
at myself thinking how did I letit get to me?
How did I make such a bananasout of the situation?
Because I really didn't need to.
(02:56):
And actually I'm hoping, as Itell you my tale, my sorry tale,
you will laugh.
I'm hoping you'll resonate andit'll make you feel better about
yourself when you do this.
If you still do it, I don'toften do this anymore.
This is, this is me when I wasin stressy pants mode of being
all things to everyone and youknow, big career, lots of
(03:17):
pressure, and then I burnt out.
This is how it was all the time, but not at work.
So at work I could just thetime, but not at work.
So at work I could just managepeople really well, kick ass,
get things done, and then athome, oh my goodness, I often
turned into a raving banshee ofstress because I was just
suppressing the stress all day,compressing myself and then
(03:37):
exploding at home.
My poor partner.
Anyway, I did it again.
Oh my goodness, I haven't donethis for years because I
deliberately practice not doingthis, so it's kind of
embarrassing really, and I stilldon't really know how it got to
me in that way.
I'm still a bit confused, butI'm not going to overanalyze it,
(04:00):
I'm just going to let it go.
So here goes.
Overanalyze it, I'm just goingto let it go.
So here goes.
So basically, the issue of thedoor keys, which is solved by
getting more door keys cut right.
If that happens, it's fine,it's okay.
Became, I just got involved inall the stress and it ended with
, when I arrived home Sundaylunchtime I literally exploded
(04:23):
into the door and I was aware Iwas doing it as well.
This is what's interesting.
So I was kind of like I'm notgoing to do it.
If I say anything, I'm going tosay it as a funny tale.
It would be fine, but I didn't.
I went in and just literallythat everything came up about
the whole weekend and all thebefuddled stuff.
And then I was watching mypartner.
(04:44):
It's like I could watch myselfwhile I was doing it.
I could see myself explodingwith stress.
It's like the stress wasvomiting all over the kitchen.
My partner's obviously had areally nice weekend without me,
because he likes space, I likespace.
We give each other space Reallyimportant for us and he's
obviously had this lovelyweekend.
(05:04):
He decorated the windows withthese little autumn leaves.
I don't, I think.
I think we got them in america.
I don't know what he's, I don'tknow he does these magical
things.
He transformed the house intothis autumn decorated it was
lovely and he'd obviously, andhe was cooking dinner and he
just basically carries oncooking dinner and he's walking
to the cupboard and the fridgeand coming back again and I'm
(05:26):
part of me thinking you're notreally listening to me, you're
not really listening to me.
And then I'm part another partof my brain's going well, of
course he's not, because he justwants you to stop and you want
to stop, but I couldn't stop.
You know, it's just likewatching this train ride.
It was all almost like going.
It was kind of like a splitlike this is what you used to be
, like maybe this is what.
So what's the gift in this forme, seeing how far I've come?
(05:48):
There you go.
Anyway, I'm basically justranted at him for 10 minutes and
then felt terrible and what Idid by doing that?
Because it didn't really itdidn't resolve.
Nothing happened.
I mean, you could argue therewere things he could have done
and it would have helped resolve, and there are, but that's not
(06:09):
how he functions and anyway, Idon't really want to come home
and try and resolve.
There was nothing to there,wasn't?
The thing is, there wasn'tanything to resolve because the
situation had been resolved,obviously before I'd left,
because I'm not going to leavean elderly aunt without a key.
So there wasn't anything toresolve.
So I just felt this need to talkit through.
(06:30):
But I wasn't talking it through.
I was literally explodingstress at him which was just
coming back at me, so I was justmagnifying it.
You know how you have onethought and then another thought
and they're just likemagnetizes and expands into this
fireball of well stress which,so I created a mountain which I
(06:52):
then had to climb down from andactually I felt stressed for the
rest of the day.
Then I mean, I did think, notas highly stressed because I did
things to de-stress, but Istill was holding it, and part
of it was because I was then nothappy with the fact that I'd
then done that, because I'dincreased the stress by
(07:14):
repeating it as a story and itcould have been a funny story.
And when I've calmed down fromit it will be a funny story In
fact.
Let's see if we can.
Let's see if we can do that nowfor you.
Okay.
So this is what happened.
So I arrive, there's one key andI'm like, and I don't want to
go in there going, have you lostall your keys?
Blah, blah, blah, becausebecause that's I'm going to
(07:36):
treat her with respect, it's herhouse.
I'm not going to go in there asif I'm on a mission to to sort
out a problem.
I've gone to spend time withher because I like her company
and, yes, she does need somelooking after, but I'm happy to
do that, but the main point isto just hang out with her.
So I arrive and we get chattingand then I'm aware there's a
(07:58):
door key issue, but I don't wantto draw too much attention to
it.
I'm looking around seeing, oh,but I can only see one key and
it's in the door.
And then we go to go out andunfortunately, I can't find the
key.
And the only thing that'shappened between me noticing
(08:23):
there's one key and deciding togo out for coffee and at the
same time time we can just getsome more keys cut the only
thing that's happened at thattime is the carer has been and
the key was definitely in thedoor and she wouldn't steal it.
But where's this key?
So I don't know what to do,because we need to go and get
(08:43):
some keys cut and there's someother things we needed to do and
we couldn't leave the housebecause we haven't got a key.
And what I should have donewith hindsight is sit down and
just go.
Well, that's weird, because ifI'd done that, the issue would
have been resolved completely.
That's not what happened.
(09:07):
I'm, then, on the mission of.
I'm feeling the responsibilityof being the only person in the
universe to solve this problem,because it has to be solved,
because the shops will shut andI won't be able to get a key cut
.
I'm going home on a Sunday, sothere's a time limit here, right
, and I can't leave her withonly.
Well, now we've got no key.
So we can't leave the housebecause we haven't got a key.
So then I remember.
So I'm like basic, before Iremember there's a key box
(09:29):
outside.
I'm basically gently turning thehouse upside down.
So I'm not stressy pantsturning upside down, because,
first of all, that's not a goodenergy, that I'm not available
for that energy, and secondly,that's really unkind.
It's not my house, it's not myhome.
I can't just go.
You know, sorting, riflingthrough everything.
That's just rude.
(09:49):
So I'm just gently looking andI'm wandering in and out of the
room where my aunt's sitting.
I'm saying that's weird.
Can't find the key anywhere.
I wonder what's happened to thekey?
Have you got any spare keys?
By which time my aunt's saying,no, we definitely had some more
cut last week.
And I'm like, okay, that's goodthen.
But I'm thinking, was it lastweek?
Was it last year?
Because sometimes she forgetsand I can't see these keys
(10:11):
anywhere.
So if there are these sparekeys, where are these spare keys
, these magical spare keys thatshould apparently cut?
So then I'm messaging hergranddaughter, who is the other
nearby relative, to sayapparently you helped to get
some key.
Where are these keys, thesespare keys that you've got?
She doesn't get back to meuntil the end of the weekend.
(10:32):
So that didn't help at all.
So I don't know what to do.
So I'm messaging.
I'm messaging my cousin inAmerica saying I don't know
where these keys, I don't knowwhat to do, which isn't helpful
because she can't do anything.
She's in America.
That's why it's all down to me,right, you can see?
You can see the pressure herewas all down to me.
(10:53):
So I'm turning the house upsidedown, without turning the house
upside down.
I'm then going through all thecoat pockets, which I'm not
entirely comfortable with butneeds must.
All I find is obviously tissuesand dog the things you take for
a dog walk, dog poo bags, dogbiscuits, dog biscuits the
normal stuff.
There's nothing unusual.
There's no keys.
What do I do Then?
(11:14):
I remember, ah, there's a keybox outside.
So I asked for the pass code,which I ought to know really
didn't I?
But I'd forgotten.
And there's a key in there.
I'm like, yes, there's a key,there's the one last key in the
world.
And I come in triumphantly andsay, look, we've got a key, we
can go out now and we can getsome more keys cut while we go
out for coffee.
But I'm now down to the evenmore pressure.
(11:37):
I'm the only person in theworld who can solve this problem
.
It has to be solved today,because the shops will shut and
there's only one key.
And I am joking at this stage.
I'm going no, you are nottouching that key, it's the last
key, you're not losing any morekeys.
So I'm putting the key in mypocket.
So I'm kind of key At thisstage.
(11:58):
There's still some humor, right.
But unfortunately there wasanother pressure happening, so
you can see this collidence ofstuff.
So, also, what was going on ismy aunt's having trouble with
her bank card.
She'd been out for lunch with afriend and it didn't work.
And it was her turn to pay andshe couldn't pay, which isn't
much fun.
It's not nice, right, notterrible, but it's not good.
(12:21):
And I can't leave her without afront door key and without a
bank card that works, and thebank card can only be sorted by
her.
So somebody has to help hermake the phone call to the bank
or go to bank.
Well, there aren't any banksleft, right, so we can't go into
a bank because they don't exist.
We would have to go into thecentre of a city.
(12:44):
She's had two hip replacements.
This isn't going well, right,and it's Saturday afternoon,
probably not going to be openanyway, right, so it's not.
This isn't going well, so we'regoing to have to phone.
Now, I don't like making phonecalls and I also don't know to
banks and things like.
It's so boring, it's just.
Oh, I get, I just get cross.
They're the kind of things Iprocrastinate about, so I've got
(13:12):
to suck it up.
But then I'm like, well, it'snot my, I can't do it.
Will she remember the detailsshe needs to access her account?
I don't know.
And then will she be able toexplain it in a way that they
understand?
How well is this bank set up todeal with an elderly person?
I don't know.
So I do the first bit, I gether through until it tells her
what to do and then I hand itover.
So we're through.
(13:36):
We're talking to somebody.
She can't understand thisperson because they do have a
strong accent.
I'm struggling to understandthem, to be fair, but I'm
letting her handle it.
She's a grown up.
I'm not going to make her feelsmaller, but it's tricky.
So I'm there to help.
Anyway, the first guy we speakto says right, we're going to
have to cancel the card and sendanother one, and I'm in the
background going is that reallynecessary?
Because she won't have a carduntil it arrives.
(13:58):
You know this is concerning.
I'm not.
I don't live near enough by, soI'm like oh my goodness, can we
just sort this today?
And we need to leave because wehave to go and get this key cut
before the shop's shut.
Pressure, pressure, pressure.
I can see some element ofsuperhero rubbish going on here.
I'm the only person who cansort this.
Pressure, pressure, pressureAnyway.
Then the call gets unexpectedlyended.
(14:22):
Whoops, we can all do it.
This isn't necessarily aboutbeing 87.
This can happen to anyone,right?
So I'm like, oh my goodness, sowe're gonna have to go through
it again.
Me who likes to procrastinateand avoid these kind of phone
calls, got to go through thewhole thing again.
I force myself to do it becauseI realise right now this is the
(14:43):
best option.
I might not be the only personI expect the caring, the carers
company that has people who canhelp with this as well, but at
in that moment I'm just likesuck it up, heidi, get it sorted
, man up, so we get throughagain.
We get another person, alsowith a different but very strong
accent, and we go through thewhole thing again and he doesn't
really understand what we'resaying.
(15:04):
He doesn't really understandthe situation.
The card is working sometimes,but not all of the time.
So this isn't much fun.
So then I, I just interject andsay who I am and blah, blah,
and then they, they do the wholesecurity thing so I can talk
with her there and that's good.
I was impressed by that.
I thought that was good.
And then, anyway, we get itsorted.
(15:25):
It turns out I didn't know this.
Did you know this?
It turns out that I knew I knewabout the.
So you know this.
It turns out that I knew aboutthe.
So in England they've raisedthe contact less thing from a
day, from like 50 quid to 100quid or something.
But I knew that you could setit to what you wanted.
But what I didn't know was thatonline shopping counts as part
(15:46):
of that limit.
So she'd had a food shoppingdelivered and then it had taken
most of it, so she couldn't usea card.
Wow.
But unfortunately, what shouldhave happened in the shop is it
should have come up with anoption to put your pin in, but
it didn't.
It just put up some scary errormessage.
(16:07):
Goodness me.
And anyway, she's 87.
This is really hard, right?
I mean, it's hard enough formost of us when we're busy and
overwhelmed, but when you'reelderly, all this tech is just
too much.
It's really, really hard.
Anyway, so it turned out all wehave to do is go to a cash
point and unlock.
(16:28):
No, we don't even know this.
Know this?
Apparently it.
No, I thought.
We then sorted it and then hesaid if it happens again.
You go to a cash point and thenyou go to the other services
and you can sort it out, right.
But I thought, okay, so well,now we're going into town to
have a coffee to get these keyscut.
And I thought, if we go to acash point and check this way of
(16:52):
doing this, then at least we'llknow what to do next time.
So that's what we do we set off, we take the new little dog off
, we go.
Now, obviously somebody's hadtwo hip replacements and is 87,
doesn't walk that fast, but I'mokay with that until I'm on a
mission to get this stuff sorted, which I really really want to
(17:13):
do.
So, to start with, I'm reallypatient.
I'm actually I'm reflectingthis that I was really patient
and I was and I was genuinelyokay with this.
But first of all, we went tothe key cutting place and the
there's two shops next to eachother doing this and the first
one's shut and I'm thinking, no,no, no, no, this, no, this
can't happen, this cannot behappening.
(17:33):
I go in the other one and theysay, oh, we can't do that
because it needs a specialmachine, and they're closed.
Uh-oh, can't solve the keyproblem.
In that moment I'm just like, ohwell, then something good's
going to happen, something good,it's all going to be fine.
But good's gonna happen,something good, it's all, it's
all gonna be fine, but it's notgreat, is it not great?
(17:55):
Not particularly comfortableleaving my aunt without a spare
door key.
What if she loses that door key?
And also that was the door keyin the key box in case of an
ambulance.
Oh no, it's not going well,it's not going well, it's not
going well, it's all getting abit much.
So then we go to a cash pointand the cash point doesn't seem
(18:17):
to have the instructions to getto these other services.
The only thing it can offer isreset the PIN.
I'm thinking, no, we can't dothat.
There's no way she's going tomemorise a new PIN.
That's just not.
That's not happening.
So I don't press any of thebuttons.
But she withdraws some cash.
So we know the card is working,the card's fine.
So I'm thinking we've done it,we've done it.
(18:37):
So we go to get a coffee and Iam, I'm happy, half the major
problems have been solved.
Right, it's okay.
So we do that.
And then we go to pay for somedog stuff in the pet shop
because she's got a new dog andthe car's refused.
(19:03):
Oh no, the problem is notresolved.
It's not resolved.
It says too many pin tries,which is weird because she
didn't get a chance to do anypin tries, but anyway doesn't
work.
So now I've got two problemsagain no keys, no bank card.
I'd argue these are pretty vitalthings.
Now, if I'd not been on such amission to solve everything like
(19:26):
a superhero, I could havethought of all of the other
options to this issue.
For example, she has carers.
I'm pretty sure you can paythem to do extra things like go
shopping, go to the bank, sortall this stuff out.
So you know, now I'm out of thestressy pants mode I can see
(19:47):
all of the other ways of doingthis.
She also does have agranddaughter, but the
granddaughter is very, very busystudying and working.
But you know there are otheroptions and we do have one key.
So it's not.
It's not a complete disaster.
It just feels like a disasterbecause I care very much and my
aunt is old and vulnerable insome ways, but I can't see any
(20:11):
of these possibilities in thatmoment.
I can only see kind of a bit ofa disaster.
So I think, right, well, I'm atleast helping her sort her
money out, because that matters.
She needs to be able to pay forthings.
There's things she needs to beable to do.
So I Google the bank and therearen't any banks.
(20:32):
But I think maybe we need to goto this particular bank's cash
point.
Maybe it's only on theseparticular cash points.
Now I'm saying this, I'm like,well, of course it was never
going to be this, but in my headthis is the only solution.
So I Google where there is thisbank's cash point and it's 10
minutes away.
So we go and do this and itturns out the machine doesn't
(20:58):
exist anymore.
I literally had built myself amountain to climb and I just
kept putting rocks on the top ofit to climb because obviously
this was never going to be thecase.
Now I've shrunk this mountainto a molehill.
I can see this was all nonsenseand that the entire escapade of
(21:21):
driving somewhere and goingaround in circles trying to park
very near to a cash point whichactually doesn't exist anymore,
with an aunt who just doesn'twant to apply for a blue badge
so we can park nearer, althoughI don't know if there were any
disabled spaces.
But anyway, all of thathilariousness was pointless
(21:43):
because, of course, I mean Iknow banks have closed down and
it's a bit of a pain, but theystill need their customers to be
able to do things.
So there's no way that, inorder to sort your card out, you
have to drive God knows how farin order to get to a particular
brand of cash point to sort out.
I just don't think it doesn'twork that way, does it?
(22:05):
Anyway, I just, in the end, gowell, that cash back point I
have to do.
So we go to this cash point.
It's worded differently.
We find the other services, wedo what we need to do,
everything's fine.
And then I'm like now you haveto test this card.
We, this has to be done.
But she's got the dog and she'sshe's getting pretty tired
(22:25):
because she's been draggedaround to a lot of places and
walked further than she normallywould with these two new hips.
So I go in and just buysomething for 49p with her card,
and then everything's fine andI'm in this jubilant mood of yes
, we've got that one sorted.
And then we I mean we do laughon the way back and she is
(22:46):
saying I'm so glad you're withme, because when you do these
things on your own.
You get really upset and I'mthis is fine, and we have lunch
in the pub and everything's good, apart from the keys.
And then we get back and Ithink, okay, so I couldn't get
the keys cut.
They may or may not be somespare keys cut.
I don't know where they are,but there's still a chance we
(23:07):
can save the day and find therest of them.
So I start looking in all sortsof other places for these keys
and then in the end I message mycousin, who's in America, so
she's asleep.
And then I go to sleep and Iwake up to a message saying have
you checked the key box?
So there's a place to keep keys?
(23:28):
Oh my goodness, I didn't knowthat.
If I'd known that this isanother key box, if I'd known
that.
So, so it's just how peopleorganize their house, right?
So it's just a tidiness thing.
Oh my goodness, I don't, Idon't.
And then I forget about themessage because I receive it
early in the morning, and thenI'm looking for keys again.
(23:51):
This is what happens understress, isn't it?
You just don't think clearly.
Everything's inefficient.
It's insane the amount of timeI spent looking for keys that
weekend and all the time theproblem had been solved.
There were already new keys cutsafely, put, tidied away, ready
new keys cut safely, put,tidied away.
(24:12):
And if I actually think now, ifI had sat down calmly and just
allowed the stress to go,allowed myself not to see it as
an emergency, then actually myaunt would have remembered where
she put the new keys Right andthat would have been it and we
(24:35):
wouldn't have had to walk.
We walked 1.2 miles, accordingto my phone.
That's a long way for her atthe moment.
She was knackered and it had.
I mean, it was fine in terms oflike we were laughing about it,
but it was exhausting because Iwas worried about her.
I just wanted to do thesethings for her because I love
her and I just I didn't do it ina stressy point way at the time
(24:59):
because obviously she's thereand I don't want to alarm her
and she doesn't want me stressedand we like each other's
company.
But it was stressful.
I felt the weight ofresponsibility, but I didn't
need to because I wasn't theonly person who could solve it.
It would all have got solvedanyway.
There are other people who cantake responsibility for it and I
(25:21):
didn't have to sort it allthere and then it just didn't
have to happen that way.
I could have done itdifferently.
I could have chilled out a bitand thought about it, and it
could have just really beengoing to the pub for lunch,
going to a cash point andpressing one button.
(25:42):
That would have been more fun.
So that was interesting.
Why did I get so stressed?
Why?
Why did I get so stressed aboutit?
Well, I can see that it's to dowith loving somebody who's
vulnerable and wanting to lookafter them.
I can see that it's about notwanting my cousin in
(26:04):
conscientious, highly driven,big hearted type of person thing
that I just go at thingsintensely like a bull at a gate.
(26:25):
I want it sorted now.
I can make things better.
So it would have been fine if Ihad let it go on the way home,
and I thought I was, but Iwasn't.
I wanted to come home and talkabout it.
Why did I want to come home andrepeat the story, don't know.
(26:50):
Did I want to be told thateverything would be okay?
Did I want to be told I'd donea good job and I was amazing?
I really don't know.
But in doing so, what Iactually did was increase the
mountain, because the wholething wasn't a mountain, it was
(27:10):
a molehill, it was just normalstuff.
That happens.
It happens to all of us.
So you could say, say, well, asyou get older, you get more
forgetful and you're morevulnerable, so it's more
important, but actually to allof us having a working bank card
and a key to lock our door.
They're pretty fundamentalthings and losing them or them
not working properly has a bigimpact on us.
(27:32):
They are things that need to besorted urgently.
However, there were otherpeople urgently.
However, there were otherpeople who could have helped.
There were other solutions andalso the key thing that had
already been solved, but rightunder my nose were three spare
keys and I was unaware of them.
I couldn't see them.
How often does that happen?
(27:53):
It's like the hidden ease thing, isn't it?
That wasn't a problem.
It wasn't even a molehill.
It was nothing.
It was a tiny, tiny molehill ofjust reminding her where she
keeps her keys, or reminding thecarers where she keeps her keys
, or something remindingsomebody who could help.
(28:13):
It was nothing.
What a waste of energy.
That's not how I wanted tospend my weekend with my aunt.
The rest of the weekend wasgreat.
We caught up, we talked, it waslovely, but that wasn't good.
It wasn't good for me.
I was very tired afterwards andthe reason I was tired was I
(28:36):
had taken too much on Adrenaline, had spiked, gone into stress
mode, probably loads of cortisolgoing on, all sorts of rubbish,
and that just takes time towork its way through my body and
for me to recover.
I know this because I lived onthat for years until it did me
in and I was wondering why I wastired all the time.
(29:03):
So the good thing about this isthat it gives me a really clear,
if slightly embarrassing, storyabout what happens when I
revert to my old patterns, whichdoesn't happen.
I can't think of a time itreally doesn't happen.
So it's interesting and I knowmy mind desperately wants to go.
Why did you let it happen?
You have failed and all thatjudgment.
But I'm just, I'm not going tobother with any of that.
What if it happened?
(29:25):
So that I could see veryclearly just how far I've come?
What if it happened so I couldobserve myself behaving in a way
I used to behave and howutterly silly it is?
What if it's all for me?
And what if it's also for you?
(29:47):
So me owning up to being missdressy pants at weekend, but
being honest about the effect ithad and how I increased the
effect.
So I magnified the effect bybringing it home, ranting it all
out on my partner and keepingthat stress in my body and my
head, going over and over it.
(30:09):
So much there isn't there.
There's so many little tweaksall along the way.
There was.
There were opportunities to dothings differently by seeing
things differently, but the onlyway I can see things
differently is by allowing theadrenaline and the cortisol to
(30:30):
seep back to normal levels,which for me means pausing,
noticing, noticing that I'vegone into emergency mode and
noticing that, even when,arguably, you could say it is an
emergency, you could say thatbecause it was important.
However, being in emergencymode didn't help solve it, which
(31:01):
means that maybe it wasn't areal emergency, because there
are times, aren't, you do needto act really fast, but that
this was not one of them.
It made it worse.
So there you have it.
That's what happened to me atthe weekend.
Oh, my goodness.
It's also interesting becauseI've also heard myself saying
(31:24):
things like I had a reallystressy weekend, but that's not
true.
It's not true Overall.
There were lots of.
If I listed out all the thingsI did, then most of the weekend
was not those things that I'vejust described to you.
So labeling it as a stressyweekend is unhelpful, because
(31:48):
then it becomes rehearsed in mymemory as that stressful, which
then means it's just.
I'm increasing it again.
I had an eventful weekend whereI accidentally went into
emergency mode unnecessarily,and I can see the consequences
really embarrassingly clearly.
(32:09):
Oh, my goodness.
Anyway, I'm not going to end onthat note.
What I'm going to end on isthis yesterday I received some
flowers unexpectedly in the postwith a card saying just for
being you.
Wow, that's what I'm going toend on, because that's the kind
(32:38):
of thing I want to be saying.
That's the kind of thing I wantto hear myself saying.
Those are the stories I wish torepeat.
However, for you, I'm sharingthis one in case it helps you
shift out of stressy pants,emergency mode into more
effective ways of being.
(32:59):
Thanks for listening, please doshare, please do subscribe and,
if you're on Apple Podcasts, ifyou scroll they've made it
really hard to do this, but ifyou scroll right to the bottom,
you can leave a review whichhelps other people find it, and
I would be so grateful.
Thank you, have a great week.
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