Do you catch yourself saying yes when every part of you wants to say no—just to avoid disappointing someone?
If you’re constantly drained, resentful, or overwhelmed because you’re always putting others first, this episode is your permission slip to stop. Michelle Gauthier breaks down why people pleasing isn’t kindness—it’s self-betrayal, and how three simple mindset shifts can help you say no without guilt.
In this episode, you will:
- Discover why “no” is not unkind—it’s actually honest.
- Learn how to handle other people’s disappointment without taking it on as your problem.
- Understand how every no creates space for a better, more intentional yes that aligns with your real priorities.
Press play now to learn the 3 mindset shifts that will help you stop people pleasing and finally start living life on your own terms.
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People Pleasing Purge Course
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Michelle Gauthier (00:00):
When I first tried to stop people pleasing, I
really didn't feel free.
I felt super guilty.
You're listening to OverwhelmedWorking Woman, the podcast that
helps you be more calm and moreproductive by doing less.
I'm your host, MichelleGauthier, a former Overwhelmed
Working Woman and current lifecoach.
(00:22):
On this show, we unpack thestress and pressure that today's
Working Woman experiences.
And in each episode, you'll geta strategy to bring more calm,
ease, and relaxation to yourlife.
Hi, friend.
If you've ever said yes just toavoid disappointing someone,
even when you were exhausted ordidn't have the time or just
(00:44):
didn't want to freaking dowhatever they were asking you to
do, this episode is for you.
Learning how to say no and stoppeople pleasing can be tough,
but these are three mindsetshifts that I feel like are the
most essential mindset shiftsthat you need in order to learn
how to say no and startpracticing saying no without
feeling guilty.
(01:04):
I'm going to talk about eachone of these in detail, but the
three essential mindsets youreally need to stop people
pleasing, which you'll learnabout today, are that no isn't
unkind, or another way to sayit, yes isn't actually kind, and
that someone else'sdisappointment isn't your
emergency or even your problem.
(01:24):
And how every no that you saycreates space for a better yes,
a yes of your choosing.
We're going to talk about whypeople pleasing is so hard to
let go of and how these mindsetshifts can really help you stop
feeling that guilt spiral everytime you attempt to say no and
really stop people pleasing sothat you can create the kind of
(01:48):
life that you want for yourself.
If this is an area of interestto you, keep on listening to the
end.
I'm offering a new class calledthe People Pleasing Purge, and
I'm going to give you all thedetails at the end.
Okay, let's start with themindset shift of saying no feels
mean or bad, or I have to sayyes if I want to be nice.
(02:10):
If you would have asked me whyI people pleased and why I said
yes when I didn't really meanit, I would have said, Well, I'm
just a nice person.
I totally equated saying yesand doing what someone else
wanted me to do instead of whatI wanted to do as being equal to
being nice.
And I thought that if I saidno, that I would be mean or
(02:32):
selfish or not caring.
And so what that meant is Isaid yes to everything
essentially.
I showed up, I helped, Ipitched in, I stayed late, I
hosted, I cooked, I planned,even when I really didn't want
to, and even when I had nothingin the tank.
And the thing is, this strategycan work for a while.
I feel like I was pretty goodwith this strategy until I had a
(02:55):
second child and I had gottento a certain point in my career,
and I was like, I just can'tkeep doing everything.
So the shift that I had to makein my mind and the belief that
I had to change is that sayingno doesn't make me unkind.
It just makes me honest.
Because saying yes out of guiltis it's not telling the truth.
(03:16):
It's a lie.
People pleasing is a form ofpretending, and pretending
really drains you.
Think about when you have toact like something that's not
your true self, how exhaustingthat can be.
And then think about when youdo that time and time again, how
often you're pretending, howoften you're spending time doing
things that you don't want todo.
(03:37):
So learning to say no withkindness and clarity and honesty
is actually much morerespectful to yourself and to
the other person as well.
The second mindset shift that Ihad to really embrace is that
someone else can feeldisappointed - in me, even.
I mean, that's still like auncomfortable thought, but if
(03:58):
someone else is disappointed inme, it's really not my problem.
It's not my emergency, it's notmy problem to fix.
Let them, as Mel Robbins wouldsay, I have to let them feel
whatever feelings that theyfeel.
I used to think if someone'sdisappointed in me, that I've
done something wrong.
And I still don't like the ideathat someone's disappointed in
(04:20):
me.
It's just I don't take it on asI have done something wrong.
I feel like I have donesomething right when I have told
the truth, told it kindlywithout overexplaining.
So instead of feeling the urgeto immediately fix it and
explain and apologize and end upsaying yes after all, I just
allow them to manage their ownemotions.
(04:42):
And when you trust someone elseto feel and manage their
feelings and you don't need toabsorb them or fix them or take
them on as yours, you can be akind person and still honor what
you want and honor your ownbandwidth.
The other thing I found out asI was experimenting with this
too is a lot of times people arejust fine with it.
(05:04):
We feel like people are goingto be so upset if we say no to
something.
But just recently, my friendgroup was getting together and
one of the friends couldn't makeit.
And I was disappointed.
I was disappointed that shecouldn't be there.
And also, so what?
Like that's a normal emotion tofeel.
If you want to see someone andthen they can't be there for
(05:25):
whatever reason that is, whetherI deem it a legit reason or not
legit reason, I'm disappointednot to see someone I love.
Like, that's fine.
I can be disappointed.
Nothing bad happened to me.
I didn't decide to hate her.
In fact, I love her.
That's why I was sad that Ididn't get to see her.
I think the biggest takeawayfrom this one is someone else's
(05:45):
disappointment or whateverfeeling they're feeling isn't a
red flag.
It's just a feeling.
They're just having a feeling,and that's okay.
The last mindset shift that youneed in order to really be able
to say no without guilt and stoppeople pleasing is the belief
that every no creates space fora better yes.
(06:06):
So throughout the day, we'retalking right now about things
that you say yes to that youdon't want to say yes to.
But throughout a day or a weekor a month, there are plenty of
opportunities where you say yesto things that you want to do or
need to do.
For example, I wouldn't besuper excited to like take one
of my kids to the doctor, butobviously it's a high priority,
(06:27):
and I'm going to say yes to thaton my calendar.
But every time you say no tosomething that you don't want to
do, picture a white space onyour calendar.
And you could either leave thatas white space or you could
fill it in with something thatyou actually want to do.
This is so random, but I saw areally cute, I was visiting my
sister in Charleston, and theyhad all these cute um Halloween
(06:50):
decorations on the frontporches.
And one of them was likewitches' hats hanging from the
ceiling of a covered porch withfishing line.
So it just looked like therewere all these random witch
hats, and it was so cute.
And I decided that I reallywanted to do that.
And so I ordered the stuff.
And then, you know, I was busy.
(07:11):
So it sat on my dining roomtable for like a week.
And then on a Saturday, when Iliterally said no to everything
and just needed a day all tomyself because my kids were out
of town, I created a white spaceday for myself.
And after lying on the couch,until I didn't feel like lying
on the couch anymore, I waslike, I'm gonna do my Halloween
decorations.
I'm gonna put up those cutehats.
(07:32):
And every time I pull in mydriveway, it makes me so happy.
They're so cute.
And I also added hanging fromthe ceiling some bright
fluorescent pink pumpkins.
Can you believe they even makethose?
I was so excited.
Anyway, that is a randomexample, but it is an example of
a yes that I wanted to do.
And had I, because I could haveeasily filled my Saturday, had
(07:55):
I filled my Saturday and beenrunning around, I wouldn't have
gotten to do this just littlething I wanted to do, this
little creative project that Iwanted to do just for fun.
So if you think about it foryou, what could you say yes to
if you weren't so busy peoplepleasing?
Would it be like, I don't know,maybe you like to cook a nice
(08:16):
dinner sometimes, but you neverhave time to do it?
Maybe you like to lie on yourcouch and binge a show instead
of being busy all the time, ormaybe there's some new hobby or
you want to read a book orwhatever.
Like, what kind of time couldyou create for yourself if you
weren't people pleasing?
Okay, so remember, no doesn'tmake you unkind, it makes you
(08:39):
honest.
Someone else's disappointmentis not your emergency, and every
no creates space for a betteryes.
Those are the three essentialmindset shifts that you need to
learn how to say no and stoppeople pleasing.
And if you know people pleasingis taking up way too much of
your time and energy and mentalspace, if it's making you feel
(09:00):
just overwhelmed and resentfuland exhausted, I've got the
thing for you.
I've created this new classcalled the People Pleasing
Purge.
It's a live class.
So eventually this is going tobe a self-paced video course.
But for this first round, I'mteaching it live and in person.
It's six sessions over athree-week period, and it starts
(09:24):
next Monday, November 3rd.
So in the class, we'll talkabout why people pleasing is a
habit, not your personality.
It's not I am a people pleaser.
It's I have a habit of peoplepleasing, how to say no without
spiraling into guilt andoverexplaining, talking about
exactly how to do that, themindset shifts that are required
(09:44):
for that, how to set boundariesthat stick, and how to stop
managing everyone else'semotions and just reclaim your
own time.
By the time this three weeks isover, which by the way is
before Thanksgiving.
Can you imagine going toThanksgiving and being able to
just not be a people pleaser?
You'll leave this class withtools that you can use forever.
And maybe for the first timeyou'll stop feeling bad about
(10:07):
putting yourself first.
If it sounds like something youneed, grab your spot.
We are only selling this classthis week and it starts next
week.
And this is the only time thatI will be doing it live.
The good thing about doing itlive is you can ask me all your
questions.
I can coach you.
You can really make a hugechange in your life if you
(10:28):
attend this class.
So come hang out with me liveand let's break this
people-pleasing pattern forgood.
The link is in the show notesfor you to join.
I hope to see you there.
Thank you for listening to theOverwhelmed Working Woman
podcast.
If you want to learn more aboutmy work, head over to my
website at MichelleGauthier.com.
(10:51):
See you next week.
When I first tried to stop people pleasing, I
really didn't feel free.
I felt super guilty.
You're listening to OverwhelmedWorking Woman, the podcast that
helps you be more calm and moreproductive by doing less.
I'm your host, MichelleGauthier, a former Overwhelmed
Working Woman and current lifecoach.
(00:22):
On this show, we unpack thestress and pressure that today's
Working Woman experiences.
And in each episode, you'll geta strategy to bring more calm,
ease, and relaxation to yourlife.
Hi, friend.
If you've ever said yes just toavoid disappointing someone,
even when you were exhausted ordidn't have the time or just
(00:44):
didn't want to freaking dowhatever they were asking you to
do, this episode is for you.
Learning how to say no and stoppeople pleasing can be tough,
but these are three mindsetshifts that I feel like are the
most essential mindset shiftsthat you need in order to learn
how to say no and startpracticing saying no without
feeling guilty.
(01:04):
I'm going to talk about eachone of these in detail, but the
three essential mindsets youreally need to stop people
pleasing, which you'll learnabout today, are that no isn't
unkind, or another way to sayit, yes isn't actually kind, and
that someone else'sdisappointment isn't your
emergency or even your problem.
(01:24):
And how every no that you saycreates space for a better yes,
a yes of your choosing.
We're going to talk about whypeople pleasing is so hard to
let go of and how these mindsetshifts can really help you stop
feeling that guilt spiral everytime you attempt to say no and
really stop people pleasing sothat you can create the kind of
(01:48):
life that you want for yourself.
If this is an area of interestto you, keep on listening to the
end.
I'm offering a new class calledthe People Pleasing Purge, and
I'm going to give you all thedetails at the end.
Okay, let's start with themindset shift of saying no feels
mean or bad, or I have to sayyes if I want to be nice.
(02:10):
If you would have asked me whyI people pleased and why I said
yes when I didn't really meanit, I would have said, Well, I'm
just a nice person.
I totally equated saying yesand doing what someone else
wanted me to do instead of whatI wanted to do as being equal to
being nice.
And I thought that if I saidno, that I would be mean or
(02:32):
selfish or not caring.
And so what that meant is Isaid yes to everything
essentially.
I showed up, I helped, Ipitched in, I stayed late, I
hosted, I cooked, I planned,even when I really didn't want
to, and even when I had nothingin the tank.
And the thing is, this strategycan work for a while.
I feel like I was pretty goodwith this strategy until I had a
(02:55):
second child and I had gottento a certain point in my career,
and I was like, I just can'tkeep doing everything.
So the shift that I had to makein my mind and the belief that
I had to change is that sayingno doesn't make me unkind.
It just makes me honest.
Because saying yes out of guiltis it's not telling the truth.
(03:16):
It's a lie.
People pleasing is a form ofpretending, and pretending
really drains you.
Think about when you have toact like something that's not
your true self, how exhaustingthat can be.
And then think about when youdo that time and time again, how
often you're pretending, howoften you're spending time doing
things that you don't want todo.
(03:37):
So learning to say no withkindness and clarity and honesty
is actually much morerespectful to yourself and to
the other person as well.
The second mindset shift that Ihad to really embrace is that
someone else can feeldisappointed - in me, even.
I mean, that's still like auncomfortable thought, but if
(03:58):
someone else is disappointed inme, it's really not my problem.
It's not my emergency, it's notmy problem to fix.
Let them, as Mel Robbins wouldsay, I have to let them feel
whatever feelings that theyfeel.
I used to think if someone'sdisappointed in me, that I've
done something wrong.
And I still don't like the ideathat someone's disappointed in
(04:20):
me.
It's just I don't take it on asI have done something wrong.
I feel like I have donesomething right when I have told
the truth, told it kindlywithout overexplaining.
So instead of feeling the urgeto immediately fix it and
explain and apologize and end upsaying yes after all, I just
allow them to manage their ownemotions.
(04:42):
And when you trust someone elseto feel and manage their
feelings and you don't need toabsorb them or fix them or take
them on as yours, you can be akind person and still honor what
you want and honor your ownbandwidth.
The other thing I found out asI was experimenting with this
too is a lot of times people arejust fine with it.
(05:04):
We feel like people are goingto be so upset if we say no to
something.
But just recently, my friendgroup was getting together and
one of the friends couldn't makeit.
And I was disappointed.
I was disappointed that shecouldn't be there.
And also, so what?
Like that's a normal emotion tofeel.
If you want to see someone andthen they can't be there for
(05:25):
whatever reason that is, whetherI deem it a legit reason or not
legit reason, I'm disappointednot to see someone I love.
Like, that's fine.
I can be disappointed.
Nothing bad happened to me.
I didn't decide to hate her.
In fact, I love her.
That's why I was sad that Ididn't get to see her.
I think the biggest takeawayfrom this one is someone else's
(05:45):
disappointment or whateverfeeling they're feeling isn't a
red flag.
It's just a feeling.
They're just having a feeling,and that's okay.
The last mindset shift that youneed in order to really be able
to say no without guilt and stoppeople pleasing is the belief
that every no creates space fora better yes.
(06:06):
So throughout the day, we'retalking right now about things
that you say yes to that youdon't want to say yes to.
But throughout a day or a weekor a month, there are plenty of
opportunities where you say yesto things that you want to do or
need to do.
For example, I wouldn't besuper excited to like take one
of my kids to the doctor, butobviously it's a high priority,
(06:27):
and I'm going to say yes to thaton my calendar.
But every time you say no tosomething that you don't want to
do, picture a white space onyour calendar.
And you could either leave thatas white space or you could
fill it in with something thatyou actually want to do.
This is so random, but I saw areally cute, I was visiting my
sister in Charleston, and theyhad all these cute um Halloween
(06:50):
decorations on the frontporches.
And one of them was likewitches' hats hanging from the
ceiling of a covered porch withfishing line.
So it just looked like therewere all these random witch
hats, and it was so cute.
And I decided that I reallywanted to do that.
And so I ordered the stuff.
And then, you know, I was busy.
(07:11):
So it sat on my dining roomtable for like a week.
And then on a Saturday, when Iliterally said no to everything
and just needed a day all tomyself because my kids were out
of town, I created a white spaceday for myself.
And after lying on the couch,until I didn't feel like lying
on the couch anymore, I waslike, I'm gonna do my Halloween
decorations.
I'm gonna put up those cutehats.
(07:32):
And every time I pull in mydriveway, it makes me so happy.
They're so cute.
And I also added hanging fromthe ceiling some bright
fluorescent pink pumpkins.
Can you believe they even makethose?
I was so excited.
Anyway, that is a randomexample, but it is an example of
a yes that I wanted to do.
And had I, because I could haveeasily filled my Saturday, had
(07:55):
I filled my Saturday and beenrunning around, I wouldn't have
gotten to do this just littlething I wanted to do, this
little creative project that Iwanted to do just for fun.
So if you think about it foryou, what could you say yes to
if you weren't so busy peoplepleasing?
Would it be like, I don't know,maybe you like to cook a nice
(08:16):
dinner sometimes, but you neverhave time to do it?
Maybe you like to lie on yourcouch and binge a show instead
of being busy all the time, ormaybe there's some new hobby or
you want to read a book orwhatever.
Like, what kind of time couldyou create for yourself if you
weren't people pleasing?
Okay, so remember, no doesn'tmake you unkind, it makes you
(08:39):
honest.
Someone else's disappointmentis not your emergency, and every
no creates space for a betteryes.
Those are the three essentialmindset shifts that you need to
learn how to say no and stoppeople pleasing.
And if you know people pleasingis taking up way too much of
your time and energy and mentalspace, if it's making you feel
(09:00):
just overwhelmed and resentfuland exhausted, I've got the
thing for you.
I've created this new classcalled the People Pleasing
Purge.
It's a live class.
So eventually this is going tobe a self-paced video course.
But for this first round, I'mteaching it live and in person.
It's six sessions over athree-week period, and it starts
(09:24):
next Monday, November 3rd.
So in the class, we'll talkabout why people pleasing is a
habit, not your personality.
It's not I am a people pleaser.
It's I have a habit of peoplepleasing, how to say no without
spiraling into guilt andoverexplaining, talking about
exactly how to do that, themindset shifts that are required
(09:44):
for that, how to set boundariesthat stick, and how to stop
managing everyone else'semotions and just reclaim your
own time.
By the time this three weeks isover, which by the way is
before Thanksgiving.
Can you imagine going toThanksgiving and being able to
just not be a people pleaser?
You'll leave this class withtools that you can use forever.
And maybe for the first timeyou'll stop feeling bad about
(10:07):
putting yourself first.
If it sounds like something youneed, grab your spot.
We are only selling this classthis week and it starts next
week.
And this is the only time thatI will be doing it live.
The good thing about doing itlive is you can ask me all your
questions.
I can coach you.
You can really make a hugechange in your life if you
(10:28):
attend this class.
So come hang out with me liveand let's break this
people-pleasing pattern forgood.
The link is in the show notesfor you to join.
I hope to see you there.
Thank you for listening to theOverwhelmed Working Woman
podcast.
If you want to learn more aboutmy work, head over to my
website at MichelleGauthier.com.
(10:51):
See you next week.
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