Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
My mom is acting
really weird.
She is talking to people whoare not there.
She is walking into the walland she is fidgeting with her
hands.
Too much Sounds like a UTI, butI can't get medicine until
somebody confirms that the urinehas bacteria in it.
(00:24):
All right, holly, if you hearme, who out there has started to
let the gas out and felt like,mm-mm, this doesn't feel dry.
There feels like this is anon-dry component to this gas.
I put my hands on my hips, justlike I'm doing with y'all.
I looked at him.
(00:44):
I said I know you f***ing lying.
He said, excuse me.
I said I know you f***ing lying.
What's up?
Parenting Up family.
It was a hot day, a hot,muggy-ass day, but it had taken
us three long, hard, arduousweeks but finally.
(01:07):
Finally, the whole team, zeddy,worked together and we got it A
urine sample.
Everybody who is a caregiverknows that is liquid gold.
Don't give me diamonds, don'tgive me pearls.
Don't give me cars, don't giveme crypto.
If you got an LO with dementiawho might have a UTI, you got to
(01:33):
have a urine sample.
Finally we got it.
I had about 60 minutes to getto the lab and we live 45
minutes away.
What could go wrong?
Right, I mean shit.
I've been driving fast.
I was born driving fast.
I came out of my mama's vaginalcanal fast, right?
(01:54):
Ok, well, this ain't caregivingadventures with comedian J
Smiles for nothing.
Come on, let me, let me, let,let me, let me take you right to
the scene of the crime and tellyou how this all happened.
Get ready, get ready, come on,saddle up, get ready.
Parenting up.
Caregiving Adventures withComedian Jay Smiles is the
(02:17):
intense journey of unexpectedlybeing fully responsible for my
mama.
For over a decade, I've beenchipping away at the unknown,
advocating for her and pushingAlzheimer's awareness on anyone
and anything, with a heartbeat.
Spoiler alert this shit isheavy.
(02:37):
That's why I started doingcomedy.
So be ready for the jokes.
Caregiver newbies, ogs andvillage members just willing to
prop up a caregiver you are inthe right place.
Hi, this is Zeddy.
I hope you enjoy my daughter'spodcast, is that okay?
(03:01):
Today's supporter shout out isfrom YouTube.
Chrissy S-SZ7VK.
Thank you for sharing yourinsight to help patients,
caregivers and loved ones.
Exclamation point.
You are welcome.
It's my pleasure, actually, andvery much so my honor.
(03:24):
If you would like to be therecipient of a supporter shout
out, you know what to do Leave areview.
Youtube, apple Podcasts, ig and, of course, our text community.
I'm waiting on you you, yeah,I'm waiting on exactly you to
tell me how you feel, what youlike, what you want to hear,
(03:47):
what you prefer to get a littlemore of Yep Until next time.
Today's episode Gas Guts and theGolden Sample, a caregiver,
crash out.
Nothing in my caregiver lifeprepared me for this day.
I mean nothing.
(04:07):
I have brought you all to thescene of the crime.
I really hope everybody iscapturing this on Parenting Up
video, our YouTube channel.
But if you're not, and you'restill just locked in to the
audio because your eardrum isthe way you prefer my
storytelling, I'm going to tellyou right now.
(04:30):
The scene of the crime is myJaguar F-Type Roadster.
Now, that's important.
I'm not trying to spit that Igot a Jaguar F-Type Roadster,
but it's important to the pointof this story.
I hop in the car prepared todrive fast, to dart in and out
and around traffic, because Ionly have 15 minutes to spare.
(04:53):
And it's Atlanta.
Traffic lives on our streetsthe same way that an odor lives
on feces.
You understand what I'm saying,like if you've never lived in
Atlanta or visited here invarious parts of the day, night.
There is no pattern to ourtraffic, it just is All right.
(05:18):
I hop in the car, I'm ready togo fast.
I got only 15 minutes to maybespare and I got to take the
highway.
The byways in boulevards andneighborhood streets.
There's no way to get around itY'all.
(05:41):
I'm in the car, I get throughmy neighborhood, I get on the
car.
I get through my neighborhood,I get on the highway.
I am on a United States federalinterstate known as I-20.
You can look it up on theGoogle or however you map.
(06:03):
Go to Atlas if you want to.
I feel great, I'm listening toan audio book, I got the top
down, I'm ready and then, withzero warning, I'm smacking my
fist because that is whathappens inside my belly.
I told y'all it was theafternoon, I had breakfast, I
(06:25):
had lunch and no problems, andthen, all of a sudden, there was
a rumble and a fight inside mystomach, like if anybody
remembers when Mike Tyson bitEvander Holyfield's ear and how
the fight became another fightwithin the heavyweight fight,
(06:46):
because how do you bite a man'sear in a professional setting,
even if it is boxing?
That's what was happening in mystomach in like literally two
seconds.
I had just got on theinterstate.
I was like, oh, maybe I got gas.
(07:08):
Got on the interstate I was like, oh, maybe I got gas.
Okay, I'm going to let the gasout.
All right, holly, if you hearme, who out there has started to
let the gas out and felt like,mm-mm, this doesn't feel dry.
There feels like this is anon-dry component to this gas.
(07:30):
Maybe this isn't gas, maybesomething else is about to pass
out of my body, but I'm in thecar and I have my mama's
perfectly encapsulated urinesample.
Yall, let me tell you something,because I was so worried about
my 15 minutes of grace period.
I had already written her name,her birth date and the time
(07:55):
that the urine sample wascollected.
I ain't new to this, I am trueto this.
I have my own urine sample cups.
I have my own baggies and myown little sticky labels.
Okay, all this because, if youdid not know, a urine sample
lasts only 24 hours.
(08:17):
After that it's trash.
So I gotta get it there.
I try to let the gas seep out.
What I feel, y'all, is LikeJuicy.
(08:39):
But OK, I didn't go on myself,but you know how when a person
is talking and they got juicymouth and they just have a
little bit of saliva in thecorners.
It's not enough to wipe.
It's not about the drip outtheir mouth, but you're like, oh
my God, you got juicy mouth.
Do you know it?
(09:00):
Will you please wipe your mouthbefore you keep talking?
I felt like that was happeningin my pants, but I'm on I-20 and
I'm in a roadster, so I don'tknow if y'all drive roadsters or
if anybody you know drives alittle sports car.
Soon as you get on the highway,everybody wants to challenge you
(09:21):
Mopeds, little grandmamas inToyota, camrys, the 18 wheelers,
definitely a Ferrari or aCorvette, everybody like they
come up to you, slow down, getright beside you and I'm like I
don't have time for this.
Something's happening in mybelly and I look up and I'm like
(09:45):
, oh my God, ok, there's an exit, there's an exit, I can get off
at the next exit.
The next exit says a quartermile and then a sharp knife goes
through my belly button down tomy pelvic area, and I feel a
pain that makes me audible and Igo, ah, oh my God, I don't know
(10:11):
if I'm gonna make it, becausethis is a route that I normally
take.
I'm looking at the exit, y'all,and I'm like, oh shit, okay,
wait, okay.
Okay, for anybody who knowsAtlanta, the exit is near North
side.
Okay, it's Whitehall street.
So I'm looking, I'm like, okay,if I go, if I go left or go
(10:31):
right, is there somewhere I cango to the bathroom within one
block?
I'm trying to work through inmy mind and I'm like, oh hell,
wait, okay.
So there's, there is a, uh,there's a pack sack, old school
shout out.
And then there's there's a gasstation.
But they are both two or threeblocks away.
(10:51):
And then as I go to get intothe right lane, y'all, my body
tells me.
Body tells me, heffa, if youthink you got a quarter mile to
get off this interstate and tryto stop at a stoplight or a stop
sign and then drive the car toa business, get out the car, go
(11:20):
in a bathroom.
You done lost your monkey assmind.
Go in a bathroom.
You done lost your monkey assmind.
My body said pull over rightnow.
Y'all I am.
It is the middle of the day, itis it's what they call five
o'clock traffic in Atlanta.
I start sweating bullets, likeeither I'm lying on the stand,
(11:43):
my mama caught me sleeping withmy cousin, this kind of sweating
.
You feel what I'm saying.
I'm like, oh shit, I got topull over.
I got to pull over.
I pull my car over fast.
Everybody's blowing, theythrowing the finger up at me
(12:04):
because I don't put on a signal.
I don't have time for it.
I just got to get over.
I jump out the driver's seat,run around the back of the car
that you see me sitting in rightnow, get to the passenger side,
open up the door.
I'm like, oh man, oh man, I gotto throw up.
(12:30):
So I open up the door.
I assume the position.
Anybody who's had a little toomuch to drink understands.
You open up your knees reallywide.
You get your ankles out the way, your knees really wide.
You get your ankles out the wayas soon as I put my head
(12:52):
between my knees.
Uh-oh, it's not going to comeout of my mouth.
What is hurting my body doesnot want to come out of my mouth
.
I'm sorry, did y'all hear me?
Did you hear me?
Are you picking up what I'mputting down?
(13:16):
It's after 4 pm on i-20 inatlanta.
I'm about a quarter of a mile,half a mile, to where interstate
75, 85 hits 20, like.
I don't know if there's abusier interstate conundrum
going on in the whole unitedstates like oh, oh, so yeah, and
I'm in a two-seater.
(13:37):
I know everybody's like, oh,jay, like uh-oh, so yeah, and
I'm in a two-seater.
I know everybody's like, oh,jay, just open up the back door.
You know, girl, I know you sayyou from the south, open up the
(13:58):
rear door and the front door andcopper squat in between those
doors as a barrier.
What do you do when you in atwo seater and you ain't got but
two doors total, okay, and allthe traffic is coming from
behind, yeah, so, yep, yep, Iactually, I ain, yep, I actually
(14:20):
.
I have a choice.
That's what I want to say.
I have a choice.
My pants were to my ankles inwhat you call a hot second.
I did choose to not face thetraffic because I want to see
nobody looking at me.
I'm a real lady.
So I did move all of my pantsand I bunched them up in my hand
(14:47):
and grabbed them as far forwardof my face as I could.
I had a briefcase and I put thebriefcase over my butt.
Now, while the briefcase mighthave been covering the crack of
my you know what Wahoo ass, itcould not cover what came out
(15:11):
Faster than you can say what youtalking about, willis, or how
the hell did Puffy get off?
Faster than you can say any ofthat.
I deposited a banana currycolored mud pie, right, I mean
(15:43):
about the size of a medium pizza.
You know what I mean.
Y'all know I go big, right, yougo big, or go home.
It just, and it was one fellswoop.
There was no grunting, therewas no strain and it was a clean
drop.
I want y'all to know it was aclean drop.
(16:04):
There was nothing I didn't needto wipe.
Yeah, my entire 15-minute graceperiod has now been used up.
I'm only seven minutes fromhome, but I've used up the
entire 15 minute grace periodand now my stomach and esophagus
(16:32):
and intestines are cramping andintestines are cramping hard.
Y'all.
I am white-knuckling,bear-hugging like, intimately
kissing my steering wheel, likeyou know.
Forget 10 and 2.
I am 12 and 12.
(16:53):
I'm 6 and 6.
I'm 3 and 3.
All my arms are locked overeverything and I'm barely
looking over the steering wheeltrying to drive.
I can no longer drive fast.
So the J smiles, you know,maybe the 80, 90 miles an hour.
I am now the little old ladythat everybody's blowing at Like
why won't you drive faster,lady?
(17:15):
And how dare you be in a JaguarF-Type with the top down going
40.
That's as fast as I can drive.
Because my body was shaking,because whatever was happening
to me, my body was like I knowyou're not still driving, but
y'all the liquid gold has to getto the test lab.
(17:38):
I called my executive assistantand I was like yo, you're not
going to believe what justhappened.
Can you meet me at the nextexit and get the urine to take
it to the lab?
For me it was going to take heras long to get to me in Atlanta
traffic as it would take me toget to the lab.
So this is me, white knuckling,breathing deep.
(18:04):
I had to turn the radio off,had to turn my phone off.
I put the air conditioner onand I was like Lord, this is me
and you Please don't let me needto stop anymore, because I
don't even really care aboutwhat I might expel from my mouth
or my bottom, but I don't haveany more time to waste, because
(18:29):
that is.
This urine has to be collected.
We've already been trying tofigure out if she has a UTI,
because she's starting tohallucinate and walk into the
wall and we got to figure out ifshe has a UTI because she's
starting to hallucinate and walkinto the wall.
And we got to figure out isthis the disease or is it a UTI?
It took three weeks to get this.
First of all, my caregiversmight quit if I tell them oh,
(18:50):
you know what, the sampleexpired because I had diarrhea.
They're gonna be like, of all,we don't even believe you.
You exaggerate.
So I call the lab and I say I'mrunning a little behind Traffic
.
I don't tell them the truth.
Hey, y'all, traffic is reallybad.
(19:11):
I might be about 15, 20 minutesbehind.
Can you please wait?
I have this urine.
I got to get you this sample.
They say, cool, no problem.
So then I rock and sway andmoan for the next 42 minutes
(19:35):
trying to get to the lab.
I get to the lab for Zeddy'surine about 12 minutes after
they close.
But remember, I called them andthey said oh, oh, oh, it's fine
, jay, keep coming, you can.
(19:56):
You can bring it.
We'll stay here, we'll wait onyou.
We understand the traffic.
Bet, I walk in like this y'all.
And for anybody who is listening, I am doubled over, holding my
abdomen, and I have the bag withthe urine specimen in it, with
the urine specimen in it, almostlike it's.
(20:17):
I'm waving the white flag.
You know how the people in thewar movies.
I'm walking in like this andthey say, oh oh, we forgot you
were bringing urine.
We thought you were bringingback her medical records.
(20:38):
Are you kidding me?
The lady tells me the lab techleft five minutes ago.
There's nobody here to testyour mom's urine.
We just waited for you.
Ma'am, for what?
(20:59):
Why did you wait for me?
Why, if you can't test herurine, you are useless.
I slammed the urine on the tableSlam is strong because I didn't
want anything to happen to itand I said I got to go to your
bathroom.
Real bad, I was holding it.
I blow up their toilet.
(21:21):
Anybody who has come in therein the last two months after me
still feels the remnants of whatI did.
It was awful and I thought Iwas going to have to let some
more come out the top, out mymouth, but it didn't happen.
I cleaned myself up.
I walk out.
(21:42):
I'm sweating, like hair hasturned into a full Afro.
There are no more curlicues.
I get to the desk I'm sweating,like hair has turned into a
full afro.
There are no more curlicues.
I get to the desk I'm like, hey, I got this urine.
I'm shaking the bag I got thisurine.
It took us three weeks to getthis sample.
The urine has the odor, thesmell, the cloudiness.
(22:05):
My mom is acting really weird.
She is talking to people whoare not there.
She is walking into the walland she is fidgeting with her
hands.
Too much Sounds like a UTI, butI can't get medicine until
somebody confirms that the urinehas bacteria in it.
(22:30):
We're so sorry, but the laptopis gone.
Y'all I start scratching my headand I'm looking at them with
some Birdman.
Are we done or are we finished?
I'm feeling like DenzelWashington and John Q, like I
need you to give my kid thiskidney.
I'm about to shoot myself soyou can take my kidney, my heart
(22:53):
, whatever it is.
You don't understand.
We can't get no more urine fromZeddy.
You know what I mean.
Like I don't know if y'all haveever had to get urine from
somebody, but this is theproblem.
Zeddy's incontinent.
Most of the time her urine goesinto the adult brief.
It's just right there in thecotton.
(23:14):
Do you know how hard it is totime when somebody that is
incontinent, can get to thetoilet.
Oh, and I'm sorry, not have anyBM, only urine.
It's a lot, it's a whole lot.
Oh, and not to mention, you'resupposed to very carefully wipe
(23:35):
them right before you get thespecimen.
So it's a clean vaginal area.
You know what I got your cleanvaginal area.
I got your clean vaginal area.
I digress, let me get back onpoint.
I say listen, do you know of anyother lab or anybody anywhere
in the whole Atlanta?
(23:56):
Because I can't take this home.
My caregivers might quit thefive of us.
There are five of us in onecity and the five of us took
three weeks to get this damnthing.
And one little lady says well,we have a sister lab but it
(24:19):
closes in about 10 minutes andthat's the last lab that we know
of.
That could really give you theresponse that you need in terms
of testing for all the thingsthat would be in your mom's
urine.
It closed in 10 minutes.
Why the hell do you tell me that?
When I walked in, ok, that's onmy inside, I said OK, cool, can
(24:39):
you give me that address?
They give me the address.
You mind calling them andtelling them?
I'm on the way, just in caseI'm getting there like eight
minutes.
I kid y'all not, they look mestraight in the face.
Oh, jay, so we don't have theirnumber.
(25:02):
Like our phones don't connect.
We we're sister properties butwe're not connected with our
equipment.
I know what Lady, who, how comeyou can't call him?
Where's your cell phone?
Where is the regular numberthat's on the Internet?
(25:23):
Just call him like a regularperson.
Help me out, I'm in distress.
You see what's going on.
You smell what's coming out ofyour toilet.
Really, do we have to say it?
Anyway, I leave them, I scurry.
I get there with two minutesleft in the day, closing, 10
minutes.
I run up the steps.
(25:46):
I'm scared that the elevatorwon't get me to the fourth floor
.
I run up the steps, I get in.
You're supposed to sign in.
I don't.
I'm like I cannot wait to signin the time that it takes me to
get a pen and sign the paper andpush the paper in front of the
little lady who ain't even ather desk because it's close to
(26:08):
closing and she's already goingto do her little hand sanitation
and put her fucking outsideshoes on y'all know how the
people do in the medical placesand leave.
So I go right to the test desk.
Brother man comes back hey,ma'am, baby, girl, baby, we
(26:30):
already closed.
Sir, y'all, I've been over elbowon the counter hand on my
forehead, barely able to talk tohim, forehead, barely able to
(26:51):
talk to him.
I'm like okay, I understand,but I'm in here, I don't need
you to see me, I'm just droppingoff a specimen.
I don't want to be seen, Idon't need to talk to nobody.
He said, okay, cause I wasabout to say.
I was about to say if you needto see, I was like there's time
you talking to me right now.
We could have been halfwaythrough Said I have a urine, oh
no, no urine.
I thought oh no, I didn't knowyou had a urine sample.
(27:12):
Okay, listen.
So with the urine we have tohave refrigeration and we don't
have no refrigeration and I'mnot gonna be able to take that
and I don't even have an orderfor you.
I said the order's already inthe system.
The order came from your sistergroup that couldn't call you
because y'all don't have peoplethat talk to each other on the
(27:33):
telephone, which I don'tunderstand.
But don't let me start that.
He said I can't take the urine.
I put my hands on my hips, justlike I'm doing with y'all.
I looked at him.
I said I know you fucking lying.
He said at him.
I said I know you fucking lying.
He said excuse me.
I said I know you fucking lying.
You don't want to know what ittook for me to get this urine to
(27:55):
you, hands on my hips.
I said baby, somebody in hereis taking this urine.
It took me three weeks.
So I go back through and tellhim the whole story.
It took me three weeks.
So I go back through and tellhim the whole story.
It took me three weeks.
By this time I'm starting toshake Y'all.
I'm holding my hand up withthis baggie of my mama's urine.
I'm starting to shake because Ican't tell if I'm about to drop
(28:20):
my second banana.
Yellow curry mud pie.
It is tricky, right.
And this dude tells me ma'amam,I'm so sorry, it doesn't really
matter, I can't take the urinebecause I don't have any
refrigeration.
I really get weepy, I mean realweepy.
Well, you know voice tremblingand I'm like I rushed over here.
(28:42):
I went to the other place, Icame through traffic.
I didn't tell him about the mudpie.
The order is in.
Will you please just go look inyour system for the order.
They told me if I got to you,there is some kind of after
hours people that come pick upurine.
This is what your boy told me.
(29:02):
This is what your boy told me.
I've never heard of anafter-hours pickup for urine.
And I'm leaning into the cameraon purpose saying it with my
chest.
I then asked, because I'm acomedian how long have you
worked here?
This motherfucker said threeweeks.
(29:23):
I know you fucking lying.
Are you really trying to checkme on what the rules, process
and procedures are?
And you ain't made it a month.
That means you probably haven'teven cashed your first paycheck
(29:47):
, baby.
He did go.
He checked the system that hisname was in there.
(30:08):
All the stuff was in there.
It said take the urine, pick meup.
I am leaving my car at this lab.
I could not drive home.
Do y'all feel what I'm saying?
I didn't have the stamina todrive home.
I just left my car in themiddle of nowhere.
I was like that car.
I got to pick me.
Somebody has to choose Jay,card.
(30:37):
I gotta pick me.
Somebody has to choose Jay.
And yeah, zeddy had atwo-strand, double-resistant UTI
.
So fight through it, caregivers.
Fight through it, baby.
Fight through it.
Fight through it, baby.
Fight through it, the snuggleups.
Number one Caregivers, new, old,in between, newbies, ogs,
(31:03):
shmediums Don't worry about howmuch expertise you have.
What you don't know Will youhave what it takes.
In the moment I did not have aclue of what was before me and
(31:25):
if you had asked me even the daybefore if I could have
weathered the story I justshared with you about my dump on
the highway and still gettingthrough it, I would have told
you, hell, no, I already said Idon't know what's gonna happen,
but there's no way I could keepdriving.
It is amazing what resolve andpassion and purpose and fidelity
(31:51):
when you are committed tosomething greater than oneself.
It kind of just takes over.
So just know and trust and leaninto the notion that you will
know how to do what you need todo when the time gets critical
(32:13):
and everything else, don't worryabout it.
Number two UTIs are the devil.
They are the devil.
They are worse than taxes.
They are worse than that exthat cheesed on you, took your
money and embarrassed you infront of all your friends.
(32:34):
I mean they are.
You can't underestimate howstupid they can make your LO act
present.
So even if you have somebodythat you love, your LO act
present.
So even if you have somebodythat you love that may not have
dementia, if they are over 65and acting weird, whatever that
(32:59):
word means to you please testtheir urine first.
It is a simple test.
It's fast, it's inexpensive,you ain't really got to wait.
All over the world, no matterwhere you are, they do have
examinations in less than 24hours to tell you if you have a
(33:20):
UTI, and there are all kinds ofantibiotics.
Listen, thank me later.
Number three advocating for yourLO, at least to J Smiles, it is
a divine and constitutionalright.
(33:40):
You have the right to push asmany buttons on as many people
and piss as many people off asnecessary in the advocation.
Is that a word?
Anyway, it is because I justsaid it For your LO the number
of people who attempted to tellme that it was too late that day
(34:03):
and that their urine couldn'tbe tested, even more than I told
you about in this episode.
I did truncate it, I left a fewthings out just for the sake of
editing.
But you ain't about to tell mewhat can't happen for my mama.
If it's possible and nothorribly illegal, you about to
(34:27):
give it to me.
I want you to walk into,snuggle up into the fact that
advocating for your LO is yourbirthright.
Be pushy, do whatever it takes.
Thank you for tuning in.
I mean really, really, really.
Thank you so very much fortuning in.
I mean really, really, really.
(34:48):
Thank you so very much fortuning in, whether you're
watching this on YouTube or ifyou're listening on your
favorite podcast audio platform.
Either way, wherever you are,subscribe, come back.
That's the way you're going toknow when we do something next.
Y'all know how it is.
I'm Jayce Miles.
I might just drop something hotin the middle of the night.