August 24, 2026 • 31 mins
What do you do when life changes faster than you can prepare for it?
Recorded from Hawaiʻi Island in the aftermath of Hurricane Lala, this episode of Pattern Breakers Collective explores fear, uncertainty, and what it means to move forward when you genuinely don’t know what comes next.
Lisa talks about why the familiar can feel safer than the unknown, especially in unhealthy or emotionally abusive relationships, and why needing certainty before making a change can keep us stuck. Sometimes self-trust isn’t knowing everything will be okay. It’s trusting yourself to respond, ask for help, change course, and not abandon yourself when things get hard.
This episode also explores what rebuilding really looks like after a major life change, whether that’s a natural disaster, divorce, leaving an abusive relationship, loss, or simply realizing you can’t keep living the way you have been. Rebuilding is rarely a beautiful transformation. Sometimes it’s messy, nonlinear, ordinary, and happening one day at a time.
If you’re standing somewhere between “I can’t keep living like this” and “I have no idea what comes next,” this episode is for you.
You don’t need the whole map. You may just need to ask:
What needs my attention right now? What belongs to me to do? And where do I need someone else?
For support breaking unhealthy relationship patterns, rebuilding self-trust, and creating what comes next, visit PatternBreakersCollective.com to learn about the 12-week program and individual support.
Topics: uncertainty, fear of leaving a relationship, emotional abuse, unhealthy relationships, self-trust, rebuilding after divorce, starting over, trauma recovery, relationship anxiety, people-pleasing, self-abandonment, resilience, healing after emotional abuse.
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SPEAKER_00 (00:19):
This is not quite the episode I had planned for
this week.
Actually, I didn't think I'd getone out at all.
And if you've been following onsocial media or the news, you
probably know why.
I live in the southeast portionof Hawaii Island.
I've lived here for about fiveyears now.
And this past week, or I guessby the time you hear this last
(00:41):
week, Hurricane Lala camethrough the islands.
My family is safe.
Our home is safe.
We lost power, and there arecertainly inconveniences that
come with that, but we're okay.
A lot of people here are not.
Hawaii Island took an enormoushit.
There are homes that weredamaged, roads and bridges that
(01:01):
were damaged, people who lostthings that simply cannot be
replaced.
An entire community wasdemolished by flood water.
And right now, while I'mrecording this, there are people
waking up trying to figure outwhat their lives look like after
everything changed in a matterof hours.
So I want to be really carefulwith this episode.
I'm not going to take someoneelse's devastation and turn it
(01:22):
into a cute metaphor aboutrelationships.
For people who lost their homes,their belongings, their sense of
safety, this isn't a metaphor.
This is their life.
But living through this week hasmade me think a lot about
something I believe almost everyperson listening to this podcast
understands in some way.
The unknown.
(01:43):
For days leading up to thehurricane, that's where we
lived.
You watch forecasts, you watchthe track, you watch the wind
speed, you prepare, you buy whatyou can, you charge everything,
you make plans, and then youwait.
How bad is this actually goingto be?
Will the track change?
Will our house be okay?
Will everyone we love be okay?
What is tomorrow morning gonnalook like?
(02:06):
And there comes a point whenyou've done everything you can
do, and there's nothing left todo except wait.
Then the storm comes andeventually it passes, and
suddenly there's a differentkind of unknown.
What now?
As I sat with that question, Irealized that I've spent a lot
(02:28):
of my life living in someversion of it.
And I think a lot of you havetoo.
Maybe your storm wasn't ahurricane.
Maybe it was the day yourealized your marriage wasn't
what you thought it was.
Maybe someone died or someoneleft or you lost a job.
Maybe your health changed.
Maybe you finally left therelationship and then woke up
the next morning and realizedthat leaving was only the first
(02:51):
decision.
Now you had to build a life.
Or maybe nothing dramatichappened at all.
Maybe you just woke up onemorning and realized I don't
want to live like this anymore.
And then came the terrifyingquestion.
Okay, so what now?
That's what I want to talk abouttoday.
Not having the answer, notknowing exactly what comes next,
(03:15):
and learning that maybe youdon't actually need to.
Welcome back to Pattern BreakersCollective.
I'm Lisa.
Today's episode is gonna be alittle different.
Usually we're talkingspecifically about
relationships, emotional abuse,cores of control, trauma bonds,
people pleasing,self-abandonment, the patterns
that keep women stuck inrelationships and lives that are
(03:38):
hurting them.
We're still gonna touch on someof that today, but I want to
zoom out because uncertaintyisn't exclusive to unhealthy
relationships.
It's part of being human.
And this week has reminded mejust how quickly the things that
we believe are certain canchange.
I think most of us have thisquiet assumption that tomorrow
(03:59):
is gonna look roughly liketoday.
We make appointments for nextmonth, we plan vacations six
months out, we buy groceries forthe week, we talk about what
we're gonna do next year.
We have to live that way.
You can't wake up every morningthinking everything could
completely fall apart today andstill function.
So we build our lives around acertain amount of assumed
(04:21):
stability.
And most days it works untilsomething happens that reminds
you that you were never actuallypromised any of it.
And that can be terrifying, butI also think there's something
important that we get to seeabout ourselves in those
moments.
Not that everything happens fora reason.
(04:43):
I don't believe we need to putsome inspirational bow around
painful things.
Sometimes terrible things justhappen.
But when life becomes uncertain,we get to see something that we
don't always notice wheneverything is comfortable.
We get to see how we respondwhen we can't control the
outcome.
And for a lot of us, especiallythose who have been spending
(05:06):
years surviving unpredictableenvironments, that's where
things get really interesting.
(05:28):
Human beings really don't likeuncertainty.
We like to know.
Even when the thing we knowisn't particularly good, there's
something strangely comfortingabout predictability.
And I think that's one of thethings that people sometimes
misunderstand about women whostay in unhealthy relationships.
From the outside, someone mightlook at the situation and think,
(05:51):
why would you stay there?
Why wouldn't you just leave?
Anything would be better thanthis.
But your nervous system doesn'tnecessarily hear anything would
be better.
Sometimes it hears anythingcould happen.
And those are very differentthings.
You might be miserable in yourmarriage, but you know how this
marriage works.
(06:11):
You know his moots, you knowwhat sets him off, you know when
to talk and when not to, youknow what happens when he's
angry, how long the silenttreatment usually lasts.
What version of yourself keepsthings relatively calm?
Is that healthy?
No, but it's familiar, andfamiliar can feel safer than
unknown.
(06:32):
Now, imagine leaving.
Where will I live?
Can I afford it?
What happens with the kids?
Will he make this difficult?
Will I be lonely?
Will I regret it?
Will anyone ever love me again?
What if I can't do this?
Suddenly, the painful life thatyou understand is competing
against a future that you cannotpredict.
(06:52):
And sometimes the nervous systemsays, stay with what you know.
Not because it's good, becausewe've already learned how to
survive it.
And this doesn't only happen inunhealthy relationships.
People stay in jobs they hatebecause at least they have a
paycheck.
They stay in friendships wherethey feel small because they've
been friends for 20 years.
(07:13):
They stay in identities they'veoutgrown because they don't know
who they are without them.
Sometimes we choose a painfulknown over an uncertain
possibility.
And I think that we need to havecompassion for that.
But compassion doesn't mean wenever challenge it, because
eventually we have to ask (07:31):
is this actually safe?
Or is it simply familiar?
Those are not the same thing.
This is especially important forwomen who grew up in chaos or
who have spent years inunpredictable relationships.
You can become incredibly goodat anticipating.
(07:52):
You read rooms, you read faces,you notice changes in a tone
that nobody else notices.
You think five steps ahead, youprepare for every possible
outcome.
And sometimes people call thatbeing organized or intuitive or
incredibly responsible.
And sometimes it is.
But sometimes it'shypervigilance.
It's a nervous system thatlearned if I can predict what's
(08:15):
coming, maybe I can protectmyself from it.
That strategy may have kept yousafe at some point, but
eventually it can harden intothis belief that you need to
know what's going to happenbefore you can make any decision
at all.
And that becomes an impossiblestandard.
You can't know whether leavingwill be easy.
You can't know whether a newrelationship will work.
(08:38):
You can't know exactly what yourlife is going to look like a
year from now.
And if certainty becomes therequirement before you move, you
may never move because lifedoesn't offer that kind of
guarantee.
Familiar is not the same assafe.
A life you've learned to surviveis not the same as a life worth
living.
(08:58):
And a nervous system that says,stay, because we know this is
not wisdom.
It's protection that outlivedthe thing that it was protecting
you from.
Preparation and control are notthe same thing.
This is probably one of thebiggest things the hurricane
reminded me of this week.
(09:20):
There was a lot we could do.
We could prepare, get supplies,charge devices, make sure we had
water, think through what wewould do if the power went out,
secure things, check on people,pay attention to the emergency
information.
There were real actionsavailable to us, and taking
those actions mattered.
But eventually, you reach theend of the list, and the storm
(09:43):
is still coming.
That's the moment that I think alot of us struggle with because
preparation gives us somethingto do, but control gives us the
illusion that if we doeverything correctly, we can
guarantee the outcome.
And we cannot.
Those are very, very differentthings.
Preparation says I've done whatis reasonably within my power.
(10:08):
Control says, if I think aboutthis long enough, maybe I can
eliminate uncertainty.
And uncertainty doesn'tnegotiate.
I am someone who can researchthe hell out of something.
I can analyze it, think throughevery possible scenario, make a
plan A, plan B, plan C, andprobably all the way out to plan
(10:29):
Q just in case.
And there is absolute value inbeing prepared.
But there comes a point whenpreparation turns into an
attempt to negotiate withsomething that cannot be
negotiated with.
And I have spent a lot of mylife trying to do that second
thing.
I see women do this constantlywhen they're considering leaving
(10:49):
a difficult relationship.
Well, I need to know I'll beokay before I leave.
And I understand thatcompletely.
But what would actually provethat to you?
Can someone guarantee thatyou'll never be lonely?
No.
Can someone guarantee that youwon't struggle financially?
No.
(11:09):
Can someone guarantee yourchildren won't have feelings
about it?
No.
Can someone guarantee that youwon't miss him?
Absolutely not.
Can someone guarantee thatyou'll never question your
decision?
Nope.
So, if the requirement is I needproof that everything will be
okay before I make a change,you've created a requirement
(11:33):
that life can never satisfy.
And waiting for it means waitingindefinitely.
But what if we change thequestion?
Instead of asking, how do I knowI'm gonna be okay?
What if you asked, what wouldhelp me become more capable of
responding if things are notokay?
That's different.
Now we have something to workwith.
(11:54):
Maybe you need financialinformation, maybe you need
emotional support, maybe youneed a legal consultation, maybe
you need a safety plan, maybeyou need therapy, maybe you need
to stop pretending you have tofigure this all out completely
alone.
And suddenly we've moved fromtrying to predict the future to
building our capacity to meetit.
(12:15):
That is self-trust, not I trustmyself to always make the right
decision.
I don't know about you, but Ihave made some spectacularly bad
ones.
Self-trust is something morerealistic than that.
It's I trust myself not toabandon myself when things get
hard.
I trust myself to ask for help.
I trust myself to change courseif new information comes in.
(12:39):
I trust myself to survivedisappointment.
I trust myself to respond.
And that is incredibly differentfrom needing to know what the
outcome is in advance.
During this storm, we couldn'tknow exactly what was going to
happen.
We could prepare, and then wehad to respond to what actually
came.
(12:59):
Life works that way too, andmaybe healing does too.
You don't need a 10-year plan.
Sometimes you just need enoughpreparation to take the next
step.
(13:20):
I think this is where people getoverwhelmed when their lives
change.
We immediately zoom all the wayout.
Let's say you're consideringleaving a 20-year marriage.
Your brain doesn't stop at wherewould I stay next month?
Oh no, your brain is already atChristmas six years from now.
What happens when our daughtergets married?
(13:41):
Where will everyone sit?
What happens when we havegrandchildren?
Will I spend Christmas alone?
What if he remarries?
What if I don't?
What will retirement look like?
You haven't even made the firstphone call yet, and your brain
has already constructed 17hypothetical futures.
No wonder you're terrified.
(14:04):
Or maybe you've already left andyou're sitting in a new
apartment surrounded by boxesthinking, how am I supposed to
rebuild my entire life?
And the answer to that is you'renot.
Not today.
Today, maybe you unpack thekitchen.
Maybe you call the insurancecompany.
Maybe you cry.
Maybe you go to work becauselife, bizarrely, keeps requiring
(14:28):
ordinary things from us, evenwhen things feel completely
different.
Maybe you call someone and say,Can you just stay on the phone
with me for a little while?
That's enough for today.
That really is enough.
This is actually one of thethings I'm watching happen
around me right now in theaftermath of the hurricane.
When a disaster happens, youdon't rebuild an entire
(14:51):
community the next morning.
First, you assess what happened,what's still standing, what
needs immediate attention, whoneeds help first, what resources
are available, what can wait.
And then you start one thing ata time, and that's it.
I think we can give ourselvesthe same grace when our personal
(15:13):
life falls apart.
You don't have to rebuild yourentire life while you're still
standing in the wreckage.
Take inventory first.
What is okay?
What isn't?
What needs attention right now?
What can wait until next week?
What decision actually has to bemade today?
And what decision are you tryingto force yourself to make
(15:34):
because uncertainty makes youfeel uncomfortable?
Those are different things thatrequire different responses.
I know we want some huge answer,some beautiful five-step plan
that tells us exactly how torebuild.
But sometimes resilience isincredibly unglamorous.
Sometimes it's simply, I don'tknow how I'm going to do all of
(15:57):
this, but I know what I need todo today.
And today is enough.
Not forever, just today.
I want to tell you somethingabout the last few days.
We've been without power at homesince the storm, and I don't
know when it's coming back.
I'm lucky to have the ability tohave an office located in an
area that power getsprioritized.
(16:18):
There are crews working all overthe island, roads that need
attention, communities dealingwith damage far more significant
than anything happening at myhouse.
And there's a strange thing thathappens when you're sitting
inside a situation like this.
You want to do something.
At least I do.
I am not particularly good atsitting around feeling helpless.
(16:38):
But there's a reality that Ihave to face.
I'm not a first responder.
I'm not a lineman.
I'm not operating heavyequipment.
I can't restore the electricalgrid.
I can't repair a washed-outroad.
And wandering into places whereemergency crews are trying to
work because I desperately wantto feel useful does not make me
(16:58):
useful.
It makes me one more person thatthey have to worry about.
So I've had to ask myself adifferent question.
What actually belongs to meright now?
And the answers have been prettysimple.
I know how to support peopleemotionally.
So I have offered free crisiscounseling over the next couple
of weeks to people who arestruggling.
(17:20):
I know how to use my voice.
So I'm sitting here making thispodcast.
I know how to check on people.
So I reach out and I ask, areyou and your family okay?
Do you need anything?
I have two capable hands, andwhen it's time to help rebuild,
I can use them.
And right now, I can stay out ofthe way because sometimes that's
(17:42):
a responsibility too.
There's a humility inrecognizing that this part isn't
mine.
And I think that that'ssomething that we lose sight of
when we're scared.
We start believing that if we'renot controlling everything,
we're doing nothing.
But that's just not true.
There is an enormous spacebetween controlling everything
(18:04):
and being completely powerless.
And that's where agency lives.
I think this applies to so manymoments in life.
If someone you love isstruggling, you may not be able
to fix it, but maybe you canjust sit with them.
If your adult child makes adecision that you don't agree
with it, you may not be able tocontrol it, but you can decide
what kind of parent you're goingto be while they navigate it.
(18:27):
If your marriage is ending, youcannot control how your partner
behaves, but you can decide howyou care for yourself through
it.
If you're living in an unhealthyrelationship and you aren't
ready or able to leave, you maynot be able to change your
entire situation today.
But maybe you can make one phonecall, tell one person the truth,
(18:51):
get one piece of information,put one support in place.
That's agency.
Not I can make everything okay,but there is something here that
belongs to me.
And when everything feels out ofcontrol, sometimes finding the
one thing is enough to help youput your feet back underneath
(19:11):
you.
Something else I've beenthinking about this week is how
much we need other people.
And that's interesting for me tosit with because I think a lot
of women in this community havebecome incredibly good at being
the person that everyone elseneeds.
You're the one people call.
You're the one who figures itout.
You're the one who stays calm.
You're the capable one.
(19:32):
And being capable can becomesuch a strong part of your
identity that receiving helpstarts to feel really
uncomfortable, like it meanssomething bad about you.
But look at what happens when anentire community is affected by
something.
Nobody has everything.
Someone has equipment, someonehas food, someone has
professional training, someonehas a place for people to sleep,
(19:55):
someone knows how to organize,someone knows how to listen,
someone has physical strength.
And maybe someone doesn't havemuch of anything right now
because they're the one who justlost everything.
Their job isn't to contributeequally.
Their job right now might simplybe to receive.
I really want to sit with thatfor a moment because I think
(20:16):
that women need permission tohear it.
There are seasons of your lifewhen you will be the person
helping, and there are seasonswhen you will be the person who
needs help.
Neither one determines yourworth.
You don't have to earn supportby being useful first.
You don't have to immediatelyrepay someone for showing up for
(20:38):
you.
And you don't have to apologizebecause this happens to be the
season when you don't haveanything left to give.
I think we've built this strangemythology around strong women.
Oh, she's independent, she'sresilient, she handles things,
she doesn't need anybody.
And I don't necessarily thinkthat's strength.
I think sometimes that'ssurvival dressed up as
(20:59):
independence.
Because real strength can alsosound like, I don't know what to
do, can you help me?
Can you sit with me?
Can I stay with you?
Can you help me understand myoptions?
I don't want to be alonetonight.
That's not weakness, that'scommunity.
And community is actually one ofthe most powerful things
available to us when our liveschange.
(21:21):
This matters especially forwomen coming out of unhealthy
relationships because isolationis one of the most powerful
tools of control.
Sometimes it was deliberatelycreated by an abusive partner.
Sometimes it happened graduallybecause maintaining friendships
became exhausting.
Sometimes you stopped tellingpeople what was happening
(21:42):
because you were embarrassed ortired of hearing why are you
still with him?
So you stopped talking.
And eventually your world becamevery small.
Part of rebuilding, maybe one ofthe first parts, is allowing
people back into it.
Not everybody.
We don't have to hand the keysto Everyone who knocks, but safe
(22:02):
people, people who don't requireyou to perform, people who can
tolerate sitting beside youwhile you figure things out.
Because sometimes support isn'tsomebody coming in with a
solution.
Sometimes it's somebody saying,I don't know either, but you're
not doing this part alone.
(22:27):
There's something about the wordrebuilding that I've been
sitting with this week.
We hear it after disasters allthe time.
We're gonna rebuild.
Of course we are.
But rebuilding doesn'tnecessarily mean recreating
exactly what existed before.
Sometimes you can't.
And sometimes, honestly, youshouldn't.
I think that's true after anymajor life disruption.
(22:51):
There can be this desperate urgeto get back to normal.
After a breakup, after adivorce, after a loss, after
leaving an abusive relationship,after your life changes in some
enormous way, you think, I justwant to feel like myself again.
I understand that.
I have felt that.
But what if the goal isn't tobecome exactly who you were
(23:13):
before?
What if you've learnedsomething?
What if your needs have changedand your priorities are
different?
What if the version of you whoexisted before the storm was
already exhausted, alreadycompromising too much, already
living a life that didn't quitefit anymore?
Rebuilding gives you anopportunity to ask questions
(23:34):
that normal life sometimes letsus avoid.
What still matters to me?
What doesn't?
What am I carrying forward andwhat am I done carrying?
Who do I actually want to bearound?
What kind of life actually feelslike mine?
And I don't mean that in sometoxic positive, everything
happens for a reason and now youget to build something better
(23:55):
kind of way.
No.
Sometimes you would gladly takeyour old life back.
Sometimes you didn't ask forreinvention.
Sometimes you would giveanything to have not learned the
lesson.
And I think we have to honorthat part too.
But if change has alreadyhappened, eventually the
question becomes what do I buildfrom here?
(24:15):
Not how do I make this like itnever happened?
We can't.
And not how quickly can I getover it?
That's just not how grief works.
Just given what is true now,what do I want to build?
That's a gentler question.
And you may not know yet, andthat's okay.
There may be a period betweenthe old life and the new one
(24:38):
where you don't recognizeyourself.
And I think that we rushed thatperiod.
We want the transformationmontage.
Three months later, newapartment, new haircut, new
career, new confidence, newwoman.
Real life is messier than that.
Sometimes rebuilding looks likesitting on the floor surrounded
by boxes, wondering where thehell the can opener is.
(24:59):
Sometimes it looks like having awonderful day and then crying in
the grocery store.
Sometimes it looks like feelingincredibly strong at 10 in the
morning and completely lost byfour in the afternoon.
And sometimes progress is simplyrealizing six months ago, this
would have destroyed me for aweek.
(25:20):
Today, it hurt for an hour.
That is rebuilding too, quietly,piece by piece, without anyone
watching.
You don't have to earn yourresilience by doing this
gracefully.
You don't have to handle itwell.
You just have to keep going oneunglamorous, uncinematic,
sometimes very ordinary day at atime.
(26:00):
And then I watched people remindeach other how much we still
have.
People checking on neighbors,people sharing information,
people offering what they had,first responders going towards
situations the rest of us werebeing told to stay away from,
crews working to restore whatcan be restored, people simply
sitting beside other people whowere devastated because
(26:24):
sometimes there isn't anythinguseful to say, and showing up
anyway is everything.
I don't want to turn that intoan inspirational lesson because
for the people who lost homes,for the people whose communities
were washed away, this isn'tinspiring, it's painful, it's
frightening, it's exhausting,and it's going to take a very
long time.
(26:45):
But watching all of this hasreminded me of something that I
want to carry with me.
We don't always get to choosewhat changes our lives.
Sometimes the storm comesanyway.
Sometimes the relationship ends,sometimes someone dies,
sometimes the job disappears,sometimes our health changes.
Sometimes someone who we trustedturns out not to be who we
(27:06):
believe they were.
Sometimes we make the choiceourselves because we finally
realize that we can't keepliving the way we've been
living.
And suddenly we're standing in alife that we don't recognize
yet.
Maybe you are there right now.
Maybe your life changedrecently.
Maybe you're consideringchanging it.
Maybe you're still standing inthe middle of something that you
genuinely have no idea how it'sgonna turn out.
(27:29):
I don't have a magical answerfor you.
I'm not sure you need one.
I think maybe you need threequestions.
Just three.
One, what actually needs myattention right now?
Two, what belongs to me to do?
And three, where do I needsomeone else?
(27:50):
That's enough.
You don't have to rebuild yourentire life today.
You don't have to know whoyou're gonna be five years from
now.
You don't have to convinceyourself that everything is
gonna be okay.
Sometimes you simply have totrust that when the next thing
comes, you'll meet it.
And when you can't meet italone, you'll reach for somebody
who can stand there with you.
(28:10):
Maybe that's resilience, not Iknow I'm gonna be okay, but I
don't know yet, and I don't haveto know yet.
I can prepare, I can respond, Ican ask for help, I can help
someone else when I'm able, Ican rest when I'm not, I can do
what belongs to me and releasewhat doesn't.
(28:31):
And tomorrow, I'll figure outtomorrow.
Thank you for sitting with mefor a slightly different episode
of the Pattern BreakersCollective this week.
This one came from a very realplace, not a planned content
calendar, not a structureddraft, just me sitting here
(28:52):
without power at home, thinkingabout uncertainty and what we do
with it.
To those of you who live here inHawaii who are listening, please
take care of yourselves and eachother.
There's a lot of recovery ahead.
And if you're strugglingemotionally with what's
happening, I'm offering freecrisis counseling over the next
couple of weeks for peopleaffected by Hurricane Lala,
please reach out.
(29:13):
That offer is very, very real.
And for my broader patternbreakers community, if your
storm looks different, if youare facing the end of a
relationship or trying to decidewhat comes next, rebuilding
after emotional abuse, or simplyrealizing that you don't want to
keep living inside the samepatterns, you don't have to
figure that out alone either.
The 12-week group program andoptions for individual support
(29:36):
are all available on my socialsor at
patternbreakerscollective.com.
Reach out anytime.
If today's episode made youthink of someone who is standing
in their own version of whatnow, send it to them.
Not because this episode has theanswer, but maybe because they
need someone to remind them thatthey don't have to have the
answer yet, and that where theyare right now is a place where
(29:58):
it's okay to simply not know.
If you haven't already, I'dreally appreciate a rating or a
review wherever you listen.
It helps more women find thispodcast and become part of this
community.
For now, I'm going to keep doingwhat I can do.
I'm gonna go check on people,offer the support I know how to
offer, and be ready to help whenhelp is needed, and stay out of
(30:19):
the way when people who know howto do something better than I do
need the room to do it.
And apparently, I'm gonna keepwaiting for the lights to come
back on at home.
Because that's what's mine to dotoday.
And whatever you're facing,maybe you don't need to figure
out the whole thing either.
Find what's yours today.
Do that.
Let someone else help you withthe parts that aren't.
(30:41):
And we'll figure out tomorrowwhen tomorrow gets here.
This is not quite the episode I had planned for
this week.
Actually, I didn't think I'd getone out at all.
And if you've been following onsocial media or the news, you
probably know why.
I live in the southeast portionof Hawaii Island.
I've lived here for about fiveyears now.
And this past week, or I guessby the time you hear this last
(00:41):
week, Hurricane Lala camethrough the islands.
My family is safe.
Our home is safe.
We lost power, and there arecertainly inconveniences that
come with that, but we're okay.
A lot of people here are not.
Hawaii Island took an enormoushit.
There are homes that weredamaged, roads and bridges that
(01:01):
were damaged, people who lostthings that simply cannot be
replaced.
An entire community wasdemolished by flood water.
And right now, while I'mrecording this, there are people
waking up trying to figure outwhat their lives look like after
everything changed in a matterof hours.
So I want to be really carefulwith this episode.
I'm not going to take someoneelse's devastation and turn it
(01:22):
into a cute metaphor aboutrelationships.
For people who lost their homes,their belongings, their sense of
safety, this isn't a metaphor.
This is their life.
But living through this week hasmade me think a lot about
something I believe almost everyperson listening to this podcast
understands in some way.
The unknown.
(01:43):
For days leading up to thehurricane, that's where we
lived.
You watch forecasts, you watchthe track, you watch the wind
speed, you prepare, you buy whatyou can, you charge everything,
you make plans, and then youwait.
How bad is this actually goingto be?
Will the track change?
Will our house be okay?
Will everyone we love be okay?
What is tomorrow morning gonnalook like?
(02:06):
And there comes a point whenyou've done everything you can
do, and there's nothing left todo except wait.
Then the storm comes andeventually it passes, and
suddenly there's a differentkind of unknown.
What now?
As I sat with that question, Irealized that I've spent a lot
(02:28):
of my life living in someversion of it.
And I think a lot of you havetoo.
Maybe your storm wasn't ahurricane.
Maybe it was the day yourealized your marriage wasn't
what you thought it was.
Maybe someone died or someoneleft or you lost a job.
Maybe your health changed.
Maybe you finally left therelationship and then woke up
the next morning and realizedthat leaving was only the first
(02:51):
decision.
Now you had to build a life.
Or maybe nothing dramatichappened at all.
Maybe you just woke up onemorning and realized I don't
want to live like this anymore.
And then came the terrifyingquestion.
Okay, so what now?
That's what I want to talk abouttoday.
Not having the answer, notknowing exactly what comes next,
(03:15):
and learning that maybe youdon't actually need to.
Welcome back to Pattern BreakersCollective.
I'm Lisa.
Today's episode is gonna be alittle different.
Usually we're talkingspecifically about
relationships, emotional abuse,cores of control, trauma bonds,
people pleasing,self-abandonment, the patterns
that keep women stuck inrelationships and lives that are
(03:38):
hurting them.
We're still gonna touch on someof that today, but I want to
zoom out because uncertaintyisn't exclusive to unhealthy
relationships.
It's part of being human.
And this week has reminded mejust how quickly the things that
we believe are certain canchange.
I think most of us have thisquiet assumption that tomorrow
(03:59):
is gonna look roughly liketoday.
We make appointments for nextmonth, we plan vacations six
months out, we buy groceries forthe week, we talk about what
we're gonna do next year.
We have to live that way.
You can't wake up every morningthinking everything could
completely fall apart today andstill function.
So we build our lives around acertain amount of assumed
(04:21):
stability.
And most days it works untilsomething happens that reminds
you that you were never actuallypromised any of it.
And that can be terrifying, butI also think there's something
important that we get to seeabout ourselves in those
moments.
Not that everything happens fora reason.
(04:43):
I don't believe we need to putsome inspirational bow around
painful things.
Sometimes terrible things justhappen.
But when life becomes uncertain,we get to see something that we
don't always notice wheneverything is comfortable.
We get to see how we respondwhen we can't control the
outcome.
And for a lot of us, especiallythose who have been spending
(05:06):
years surviving unpredictableenvironments, that's where
things get really interesting.
(05:28):
Human beings really don't likeuncertainty.
We like to know.
Even when the thing we knowisn't particularly good, there's
something strangely comfortingabout predictability.
And I think that's one of thethings that people sometimes
misunderstand about women whostay in unhealthy relationships.
From the outside, someone mightlook at the situation and think,
(05:51):
why would you stay there?
Why wouldn't you just leave?
Anything would be better thanthis.
But your nervous system doesn'tnecessarily hear anything would
be better.
Sometimes it hears anythingcould happen.
And those are very differentthings.
You might be miserable in yourmarriage, but you know how this
marriage works.
(06:11):
You know his moots, you knowwhat sets him off, you know when
to talk and when not to, youknow what happens when he's
angry, how long the silenttreatment usually lasts.
What version of yourself keepsthings relatively calm?
Is that healthy?
No, but it's familiar, andfamiliar can feel safer than
unknown.
(06:32):
Now, imagine leaving.
Where will I live?
Can I afford it?
What happens with the kids?
Will he make this difficult?
Will I be lonely?
Will I regret it?
Will anyone ever love me again?
What if I can't do this?
Suddenly, the painful life thatyou understand is competing
against a future that you cannotpredict.
(06:52):
And sometimes the nervous systemsays, stay with what you know.
Not because it's good, becausewe've already learned how to
survive it.
And this doesn't only happen inunhealthy relationships.
People stay in jobs they hatebecause at least they have a
paycheck.
They stay in friendships wherethey feel small because they've
been friends for 20 years.
(07:13):
They stay in identities they'veoutgrown because they don't know
who they are without them.
Sometimes we choose a painfulknown over an uncertain
possibility.
And I think that we need to havecompassion for that.
But compassion doesn't mean wenever challenge it, because
eventually we have to ask (07:31):
is this actually safe?
Or is it simply familiar?
Those are not the same thing.
This is especially important forwomen who grew up in chaos or
who have spent years inunpredictable relationships.
You can become incredibly goodat anticipating.
(07:52):
You read rooms, you read faces,you notice changes in a tone
that nobody else notices.
You think five steps ahead, youprepare for every possible
outcome.
And sometimes people call thatbeing organized or intuitive or
incredibly responsible.
And sometimes it is.
But sometimes it'shypervigilance.
It's a nervous system thatlearned if I can predict what's
(08:15):
coming, maybe I can protectmyself from it.
That strategy may have kept yousafe at some point, but
eventually it can harden intothis belief that you need to
know what's going to happenbefore you can make any decision
at all.
And that becomes an impossiblestandard.
You can't know whether leavingwill be easy.
You can't know whether a newrelationship will work.
(08:38):
You can't know exactly what yourlife is going to look like a
year from now.
And if certainty becomes therequirement before you move, you
may never move because lifedoesn't offer that kind of
guarantee.
Familiar is not the same assafe.
A life you've learned to surviveis not the same as a life worth
living.
(08:58):
And a nervous system that says,stay, because we know this is
not wisdom.
It's protection that outlivedthe thing that it was protecting
you from.
Preparation and control are notthe same thing.
This is probably one of thebiggest things the hurricane
reminded me of this week.
(09:20):
There was a lot we could do.
We could prepare, get supplies,charge devices, make sure we had
water, think through what wewould do if the power went out,
secure things, check on people,pay attention to the emergency
information.
There were real actionsavailable to us, and taking
those actions mattered.
But eventually, you reach theend of the list, and the storm
(09:43):
is still coming.
That's the moment that I think alot of us struggle with because
preparation gives us somethingto do, but control gives us the
illusion that if we doeverything correctly, we can
guarantee the outcome.
And we cannot.
Those are very, very differentthings.
Preparation says I've done whatis reasonably within my power.
(10:08):
Control says, if I think aboutthis long enough, maybe I can
eliminate uncertainty.
And uncertainty doesn'tnegotiate.
I am someone who can researchthe hell out of something.
I can analyze it, think throughevery possible scenario, make a
plan A, plan B, plan C, andprobably all the way out to plan
(10:29):
Q just in case.
And there is absolute value inbeing prepared.
But there comes a point whenpreparation turns into an
attempt to negotiate withsomething that cannot be
negotiated with.
And I have spent a lot of mylife trying to do that second
thing.
I see women do this constantlywhen they're considering leaving
(10:49):
a difficult relationship.
Well, I need to know I'll beokay before I leave.
And I understand thatcompletely.
But what would actually provethat to you?
Can someone guarantee thatyou'll never be lonely?
No.
Can someone guarantee that youwon't struggle financially?
No.
(11:09):
Can someone guarantee yourchildren won't have feelings
about it?
No.
Can someone guarantee that youwon't miss him?
Absolutely not.
Can someone guarantee thatyou'll never question your
decision?
Nope.
So, if the requirement is I needproof that everything will be
okay before I make a change,you've created a requirement
(11:33):
that life can never satisfy.
And waiting for it means waitingindefinitely.
But what if we change thequestion?
Instead of asking, how do I knowI'm gonna be okay?
What if you asked, what wouldhelp me become more capable of
responding if things are notokay?
That's different.
Now we have something to workwith.
(11:54):
Maybe you need financialinformation, maybe you need
emotional support, maybe youneed a legal consultation, maybe
you need a safety plan, maybeyou need therapy, maybe you need
to stop pretending you have tofigure this all out completely
alone.
And suddenly we've moved fromtrying to predict the future to
building our capacity to meetit.
(12:15):
That is self-trust, not I trustmyself to always make the right
decision.
I don't know about you, but Ihave made some spectacularly bad
ones.
Self-trust is something morerealistic than that.
It's I trust myself not toabandon myself when things get
hard.
I trust myself to ask for help.
I trust myself to change courseif new information comes in.
(12:39):
I trust myself to survivedisappointment.
I trust myself to respond.
And that is incredibly differentfrom needing to know what the
outcome is in advance.
During this storm, we couldn'tknow exactly what was going to
happen.
We could prepare, and then wehad to respond to what actually
came.
(12:59):
Life works that way too, andmaybe healing does too.
You don't need a 10-year plan.
Sometimes you just need enoughpreparation to take the next
step.
(13:20):
I think this is where people getoverwhelmed when their lives
change.
We immediately zoom all the wayout.
Let's say you're consideringleaving a 20-year marriage.
Your brain doesn't stop at wherewould I stay next month?
Oh no, your brain is already atChristmas six years from now.
What happens when our daughtergets married?
(13:41):
Where will everyone sit?
What happens when we havegrandchildren?
Will I spend Christmas alone?
What if he remarries?
What if I don't?
What will retirement look like?
You haven't even made the firstphone call yet, and your brain
has already constructed 17hypothetical futures.
No wonder you're terrified.
(14:04):
Or maybe you've already left andyou're sitting in a new
apartment surrounded by boxesthinking, how am I supposed to
rebuild my entire life?
And the answer to that is you'renot.
Not today.
Today, maybe you unpack thekitchen.
Maybe you call the insurancecompany.
Maybe you cry.
Maybe you go to work becauselife, bizarrely, keeps requiring
(14:28):
ordinary things from us, evenwhen things feel completely
different.
Maybe you call someone and say,Can you just stay on the phone
with me for a little while?
That's enough for today.
That really is enough.
This is actually one of thethings I'm watching happen
around me right now in theaftermath of the hurricane.
When a disaster happens, youdon't rebuild an entire
(14:51):
community the next morning.
First, you assess what happened,what's still standing, what
needs immediate attention, whoneeds help first, what resources
are available, what can wait.
And then you start one thing ata time, and that's it.
I think we can give ourselvesthe same grace when our personal
(15:13):
life falls apart.
You don't have to rebuild yourentire life while you're still
standing in the wreckage.
Take inventory first.
What is okay?
What isn't?
What needs attention right now?
What can wait until next week?
What decision actually has to bemade today?
And what decision are you tryingto force yourself to make
(15:34):
because uncertainty makes youfeel uncomfortable?
Those are different things thatrequire different responses.
I know we want some huge answer,some beautiful five-step plan
that tells us exactly how torebuild.
But sometimes resilience isincredibly unglamorous.
Sometimes it's simply, I don'tknow how I'm going to do all of
(15:57):
this, but I know what I need todo today.
And today is enough.
Not forever, just today.
I want to tell you somethingabout the last few days.
We've been without power at homesince the storm, and I don't
know when it's coming back.
I'm lucky to have the ability tohave an office located in an
area that power getsprioritized.
(16:18):
There are crews working all overthe island, roads that need
attention, communities dealingwith damage far more significant
than anything happening at myhouse.
And there's a strange thing thathappens when you're sitting
inside a situation like this.
You want to do something.
At least I do.
I am not particularly good atsitting around feeling helpless.
(16:38):
But there's a reality that Ihave to face.
I'm not a first responder.
I'm not a lineman.
I'm not operating heavyequipment.
I can't restore the electricalgrid.
I can't repair a washed-outroad.
And wandering into places whereemergency crews are trying to
work because I desperately wantto feel useful does not make me
(16:58):
useful.
It makes me one more person thatthey have to worry about.
So I've had to ask myself adifferent question.
What actually belongs to meright now?
And the answers have been prettysimple.
I know how to support peopleemotionally.
So I have offered free crisiscounseling over the next couple
of weeks to people who arestruggling.
(17:20):
I know how to use my voice.
So I'm sitting here making thispodcast.
I know how to check on people.
So I reach out and I ask, areyou and your family okay?
Do you need anything?
I have two capable hands, andwhen it's time to help rebuild,
I can use them.
And right now, I can stay out ofthe way because sometimes that's
(17:42):
a responsibility too.
There's a humility inrecognizing that this part isn't
mine.
And I think that that'ssomething that we lose sight of
when we're scared.
We start believing that if we'renot controlling everything,
we're doing nothing.
But that's just not true.
There is an enormous spacebetween controlling everything
(18:04):
and being completely powerless.
And that's where agency lives.
I think this applies to so manymoments in life.
If someone you love isstruggling, you may not be able
to fix it, but maybe you canjust sit with them.
If your adult child makes adecision that you don't agree
with it, you may not be able tocontrol it, but you can decide
what kind of parent you're goingto be while they navigate it.
(18:27):
If your marriage is ending, youcannot control how your partner
behaves, but you can decide howyou care for yourself through
it.
If you're living in an unhealthyrelationship and you aren't
ready or able to leave, you maynot be able to change your
entire situation today.
But maybe you can make one phonecall, tell one person the truth,
(18:51):
get one piece of information,put one support in place.
That's agency.
Not I can make everything okay,but there is something here that
belongs to me.
And when everything feels out ofcontrol, sometimes finding the
one thing is enough to help youput your feet back underneath
(19:11):
you.
Something else I've beenthinking about this week is how
much we need other people.
And that's interesting for me tosit with because I think a lot
of women in this community havebecome incredibly good at being
the person that everyone elseneeds.
You're the one people call.
You're the one who figures itout.
You're the one who stays calm.
You're the capable one.
(19:32):
And being capable can becomesuch a strong part of your
identity that receiving helpstarts to feel really
uncomfortable, like it meanssomething bad about you.
But look at what happens when anentire community is affected by
something.
Nobody has everything.
Someone has equipment, someonehas food, someone has
professional training, someonehas a place for people to sleep,
(19:55):
someone knows how to organize,someone knows how to listen,
someone has physical strength.
And maybe someone doesn't havemuch of anything right now
because they're the one who justlost everything.
Their job isn't to contributeequally.
Their job right now might simplybe to receive.
I really want to sit with thatfor a moment because I think
(20:16):
that women need permission tohear it.
There are seasons of your lifewhen you will be the person
helping, and there are seasonswhen you will be the person who
needs help.
Neither one determines yourworth.
You don't have to earn supportby being useful first.
You don't have to immediatelyrepay someone for showing up for
(20:38):
you.
And you don't have to apologizebecause this happens to be the
season when you don't haveanything left to give.
I think we've built this strangemythology around strong women.
Oh, she's independent, she'sresilient, she handles things,
she doesn't need anybody.
And I don't necessarily thinkthat's strength.
I think sometimes that'ssurvival dressed up as
(20:59):
independence.
Because real strength can alsosound like, I don't know what to
do, can you help me?
Can you sit with me?
Can I stay with you?
Can you help me understand myoptions?
I don't want to be alonetonight.
That's not weakness, that'scommunity.
And community is actually one ofthe most powerful things
available to us when our liveschange.
(21:21):
This matters especially forwomen coming out of unhealthy
relationships because isolationis one of the most powerful
tools of control.
Sometimes it was deliberatelycreated by an abusive partner.
Sometimes it happened graduallybecause maintaining friendships
became exhausting.
Sometimes you stopped tellingpeople what was happening
(21:42):
because you were embarrassed ortired of hearing why are you
still with him?
So you stopped talking.
And eventually your world becamevery small.
Part of rebuilding, maybe one ofthe first parts, is allowing
people back into it.
Not everybody.
We don't have to hand the keysto Everyone who knocks, but safe
(22:02):
people, people who don't requireyou to perform, people who can
tolerate sitting beside youwhile you figure things out.
Because sometimes support isn'tsomebody coming in with a
solution.
Sometimes it's somebody saying,I don't know either, but you're
not doing this part alone.
(22:27):
There's something about the wordrebuilding that I've been
sitting with this week.
We hear it after disasters allthe time.
We're gonna rebuild.
Of course we are.
But rebuilding doesn'tnecessarily mean recreating
exactly what existed before.
Sometimes you can't.
And sometimes, honestly, youshouldn't.
I think that's true after anymajor life disruption.
(22:51):
There can be this desperate urgeto get back to normal.
After a breakup, after adivorce, after a loss, after
leaving an abusive relationship,after your life changes in some
enormous way, you think, I justwant to feel like myself again.
I understand that.
I have felt that.
But what if the goal isn't tobecome exactly who you were
(23:13):
before?
What if you've learnedsomething?
What if your needs have changedand your priorities are
different?
What if the version of you whoexisted before the storm was
already exhausted, alreadycompromising too much, already
living a life that didn't quitefit anymore?
Rebuilding gives you anopportunity to ask questions
(23:34):
that normal life sometimes letsus avoid.
What still matters to me?
What doesn't?
What am I carrying forward andwhat am I done carrying?
Who do I actually want to bearound?
What kind of life actually feelslike mine?
And I don't mean that in sometoxic positive, everything
happens for a reason and now youget to build something better
(23:55):
kind of way.
No.
Sometimes you would gladly takeyour old life back.
Sometimes you didn't ask forreinvention.
Sometimes you would giveanything to have not learned the
lesson.
And I think we have to honorthat part too.
But if change has alreadyhappened, eventually the
question becomes what do I buildfrom here?
(24:15):
Not how do I make this like itnever happened?
We can't.
And not how quickly can I getover it?
That's just not how grief works.
Just given what is true now,what do I want to build?
That's a gentler question.
And you may not know yet, andthat's okay.
There may be a period betweenthe old life and the new one
(24:38):
where you don't recognizeyourself.
And I think that we rushed thatperiod.
We want the transformationmontage.
Three months later, newapartment, new haircut, new
career, new confidence, newwoman.
Real life is messier than that.
Sometimes rebuilding looks likesitting on the floor surrounded
by boxes, wondering where thehell the can opener is.
(24:59):
Sometimes it looks like having awonderful day and then crying in
the grocery store.
Sometimes it looks like feelingincredibly strong at 10 in the
morning and completely lost byfour in the afternoon.
And sometimes progress is simplyrealizing six months ago, this
would have destroyed me for aweek.
(25:20):
Today, it hurt for an hour.
That is rebuilding too, quietly,piece by piece, without anyone
watching.
You don't have to earn yourresilience by doing this
gracefully.
You don't have to handle itwell.
You just have to keep going oneunglamorous, uncinematic,
sometimes very ordinary day at atime.
(26:00):
And then I watched people remindeach other how much we still
have.
People checking on neighbors,people sharing information,
people offering what they had,first responders going towards
situations the rest of us werebeing told to stay away from,
crews working to restore whatcan be restored, people simply
sitting beside other people whowere devastated because
(26:24):
sometimes there isn't anythinguseful to say, and showing up
anyway is everything.
I don't want to turn that intoan inspirational lesson because
for the people who lost homes,for the people whose communities
were washed away, this isn'tinspiring, it's painful, it's
frightening, it's exhausting,and it's going to take a very
long time.
(26:45):
But watching all of this hasreminded me of something that I
want to carry with me.
We don't always get to choosewhat changes our lives.
Sometimes the storm comesanyway.
Sometimes the relationship ends,sometimes someone dies,
sometimes the job disappears,sometimes our health changes.
Sometimes someone who we trustedturns out not to be who we
(27:06):
believe they were.
Sometimes we make the choiceourselves because we finally
realize that we can't keepliving the way we've been
living.
And suddenly we're standing in alife that we don't recognize
yet.
Maybe you are there right now.
Maybe your life changedrecently.
Maybe you're consideringchanging it.
Maybe you're still standing inthe middle of something that you
genuinely have no idea how it'sgonna turn out.
(27:29):
I don't have a magical answerfor you.
I'm not sure you need one.
I think maybe you need threequestions.
Just three.
One, what actually needs myattention right now?
Two, what belongs to me to do?
And three, where do I needsomeone else?
(27:50):
That's enough.
You don't have to rebuild yourentire life today.
You don't have to know whoyou're gonna be five years from
now.
You don't have to convinceyourself that everything is
gonna be okay.
Sometimes you simply have totrust that when the next thing
comes, you'll meet it.
And when you can't meet italone, you'll reach for somebody
who can stand there with you.
(28:10):
Maybe that's resilience, not Iknow I'm gonna be okay, but I
don't know yet, and I don't haveto know yet.
I can prepare, I can respond, Ican ask for help, I can help
someone else when I'm able, Ican rest when I'm not, I can do
what belongs to me and releasewhat doesn't.
(28:31):
And tomorrow, I'll figure outtomorrow.
Thank you for sitting with mefor a slightly different episode
of the Pattern BreakersCollective this week.
This one came from a very realplace, not a planned content
calendar, not a structureddraft, just me sitting here
(28:52):
without power at home, thinkingabout uncertainty and what we do
with it.
To those of you who live here inHawaii who are listening, please
take care of yourselves and eachother.
There's a lot of recovery ahead.
And if you're strugglingemotionally with what's
happening, I'm offering freecrisis counseling over the next
couple of weeks for peopleaffected by Hurricane Lala,
please reach out.
(29:13):
That offer is very, very real.
And for my broader patternbreakers community, if your
storm looks different, if youare facing the end of a
relationship or trying to decidewhat comes next, rebuilding
after emotional abuse, or simplyrealizing that you don't want to
keep living inside the samepatterns, you don't have to
figure that out alone either.
The 12-week group program andoptions for individual support
(29:36):
are all available on my socialsor at
patternbreakerscollective.com.
Reach out anytime.
If today's episode made youthink of someone who is standing
in their own version of whatnow, send it to them.
Not because this episode has theanswer, but maybe because they
need someone to remind them thatthey don't have to have the
answer yet, and that where theyare right now is a place where
(29:58):
it's okay to simply not know.
If you haven't already, I'dreally appreciate a rating or a
review wherever you listen.
It helps more women find thispodcast and become part of this
community.
For now, I'm going to keep doingwhat I can do.
I'm gonna go check on people,offer the support I know how to
offer, and be ready to help whenhelp is needed, and stay out of
(30:19):
the way when people who know howto do something better than I do
need the room to do it.
And apparently, I'm gonna keepwaiting for the lights to come
back on at home.
Because that's what's mine to dotoday.
And whatever you're facing,maybe you don't need to figure
out the whole thing either.
Find what's yours today.
Do that.
Let someone else help you withthe parts that aren't.
(30:41):
And we'll figure out tomorrowwhen tomorrow gets here.
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