August 3, 2025 • 26 mins
My Aging Parents Need Help - Insights from Author and Attorney Cindy Kang
My Aging Parent Needs Help!: 7 Step Guide to Caregiving with No R…
Facebook Support Group: Caregivers Of Aging Parents And Loved Ones
In this episode of Peaceful Life Radio, David and Don welcome Cindy Kang, also known by her pen name Cynthia Kaye, the author of 'My Aging Parent Needs Help: Seven Step Guide to Caregiving with no Regrets, More Compassion and Going from Overwhelmed to Organized.' Cindy shares her deeply personal caregiving experiences and offers practical advice for family caregivers managing the emotional and logistical challenges of caring for aging parents. With her extensive background as an attorney, she provides vital insights into important legal documents and estate planning. Cindy also delves into recognizing signs that your parents may need help, how to communicate effectively with them, balancing support with independence, and avoiding caregiver burnout. Tune in to gain valuable resources and tips to support you on your caregiving journey.
00:00 Introduction to Cindy Kang and Her Book
01:24 Cindy's Professional Journey and Personal Experience
03:54 Recognizing When Aging Parents Need Help
05:11 Effective Communication with Aging Parents
10:05 Legal and Financial Planning for Aging Parents
12:51 Balancing Support and Independence
14:28 Preventing Caregiver Burnout
19:20 Utilizing Resources and Technology for Caregiving
23:39 Final Thoughts and Resources
Visit the Peaceful Life Radio website for more information. Peaceful Life Productions LLP produces this podcast, which helps nonprofits and small businesses share their stories and expertise through accessible and cost-effective podcasts and websites. For more information, please contact us at info@peacefullifeproductions.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
David Lowry (00:00):
That was Cindy Kang, our guest today on
(00:02):
Peaceful Life Radio.
She's the author of the book, MyAging Parent Needs Help.
Oh, we're gonna need to knowmore about that.
Don, my good friend is on theprogram with us today.
How are you, Don?
Don Drew (00:12):
I'm doing well, David, and today I'm going to introduce
our guest Cindy Kang, who isalso known by her pen name,
Cynthia Kaye.
The author of My Aging ParentNeeds Help: Seven Step Guide to
Caregiving with no Regrets, MoreCompassion and Going from
Overwhelmed to Organized.
This book is a compassionate andpractical guide for family
caregivers navigating theemotional and logistical
(00:34):
challenges of caring for agingparents.
Her book was Born from DeeplyPersonal experiences, which
we're gonna be talking about,and has served as a lifeline for
many overwhelmed caregiverstrying to find their way.
Professionally, Cindy is thefounder of CMK Law Group, a
boutique virtual law firm basedin California.
It focuses on estate and specialneeds planning.
(00:56):
After two decades as a corporateattorney for companies like
Disney and Google, Cindy nowhelps busy parents, especially
those in the sandwichgeneration, gain peace of mind
through thoughtful, clear, andcompassionate legal planning.
Cindy, welcome to Peaceful LifeRadio.
Cindy Kang (01:12):
Thank you so much for having me here.
David Lowry (01:14):
Cindy, we are impressed with you, a U-C-L-A
attorney, and then she workedfor Google and Disney.
I mean, you've been around theblock, girl.
Tell us about your journey,which led you to writing My
Aging Parent Needs Help and yourwork as an attorney, and how all
of that works together.
Cindy Kang (01:32):
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's, it has been an interestingpath.
Professionally being an attorneyfor over 20 years.
And now kind of switching gearsinto estate planning, it really
goes hand in hand with what'salways been in my heart, which
has been how to connect withpeople, especially the people in
(01:55):
populations where they'revulnerable or forgotten.
So it's the poor, the aged, orthe disabled.
So right now I focus on helpingfamilies plan ahead for peace of
mind after they're gone.
And with regard to the book andmy personal experience as being
(02:16):
a family caregiver, it's beensuch an interesting and
heartfelt path, caring for myown parents.
And it came to the point where Irealized, okay, I think there's
enough people out there whowould benefit from some of the
learnings that I gathered.
And if I can be of any serviceand put this together into a
book, I would be very happy todo that.
Don Drew (02:37):
Cindy, your father needed quite a bit of care after
suffering several strokes andalso you still care, I guess,
for your 91-year-old mother.
Can you tell us a little bitabout that personal experience?
Cindy Kang (02:48):
I'm in it right now, very personally.
My father after suffering a fewstrokes, was bedbound and really
needed a lot of help.
Prior to that though, it hadbeen a gradual journey, and I've
always been somewhat of in thatcaregiver role for my parents.
So it wasn't sudden.
I had always taken on some levelof responsibility, caring for my
(03:09):
parents, but once he becamebedbound it went to a whole
other level where I really doveinto that all consuming journey
of being that family caregiver.
My father passed away a fewyears ago, and ever since that
point I shifted gears andfocused on my mother to make
sure that she was okay, and sheactually recently entered into
(03:30):
at home hospice.
So we're going into a new phaseof this journey.
It's an ongoing learningexperience for me.
David Lowry (03:38):
Cindy.
We've had nurse Penny Hawkins onour program, a hospice nurse, an
advocate for people in hospicecare and doing things like what
you're doing.
So, our best wishes andblessings are our minds for you
and your mother, during thistime and hope that everything
goes well.
Many people struggle to knowwhen to become involved.
You see your parents and youthink, oh, they're okay.
(04:01):
Or they'll tell you we're fine,but you look at'em and you're
not so sure.
What are some subtle signs thata parent may need more help than
they're letting on?
Cindy Kang (04:09):
Like I said earlier, it really sneaks up on us.
It's not a all of a sudden clearcut thing.
It's a very gradual thing, whichmakes sense.
because as we age we startlosing some of our abilities on
a gradual, almost unnoticeablebasis.
A few common signs that I'veexperienced personally and what
I hear of when I'm talking toothers are things like piles of
(04:30):
mail that isn't opened, or younotice that bills aren't being
paid or that they're not eatingquite as they used to.
When you go and visit and yousee their refrigerators empty.
And you also notice changes intheir personality or activity
levels.
Just things that are subtle, butyou know that you just get this
(04:54):
sense that things are not quiteright, and that is what might
trigger you to dig deeper andstart that conversation.
Don Drew (05:04):
One of our, guests, Dr.
Christie Vincent talked with usa few months ago now, and her
point was to ask more questions.
Cindy Kang (05:11):
Yes, and so much of it, like everything else,
depends on each family's uniquedynamic, their existing
relationship.
But that all being said, I thinka general good rule of thumb is
to approach conversations withcuriosity not commands.
Oftentimes when adult childrensee their aging parents start to
(05:35):
diminish in certaincapabilities, we're already in
that mindset of kind of barkingorders at our children and
taking over and thinking we knowbetter and best, which generally
doesn't work well.
And instead, really having thatself-control.
I think it takes a lot ofdiscipline for us as adult
children to remember andrecognize that our parents are
(05:59):
adults, that they do still have,depending on where they are in
that journey, they still havetheir abilities.
And just because they may befading in their abilities in
some areas doesn't mean they'refading in all areas.
And so one of the techniquesthat I use and that I've seen
works with my other friends whogo through this is bringing
(06:21):
stories up, right?
When I talk to my mom, I wouldreference another friend of mine
who we both know and, Oh, youknow what?
So and so's mom ended up at thehospital.
She didn't have any of herdocuments ready.
It ended up being a bignightmare for everyone.
And now that she's out of thehospital, she realizes that she
needs to get X, Y, and Zprepared and have we thought
(06:43):
about that?
So you engage in thatconversation with that parent
being involved and feeling thatthey're initiating and in
control, and to have that senseof togetherness in approaching
it really helps rather thanpitting yourself against each
other because you are actinglike you know it all.
David Lowry (07:02):
Cindy, you sound so sensitive and you're giving
great communication advice onhow to approach parents, and I
think most parents know that,Well, I'm probably in the latter
part of my life.
I probably need a will, power ofattorney, written things like
this, but sometimes we feel alittle guilty about bringing
(07:22):
that up, or sometimes we gothrough stages such as worry,
resentment,or guilt.
How can we avoid this emotionalrollercoaster that adult
children go through in a morehealthy way?
Cindy Kang (07:35):
Right.
One thing that has helped me, atleast personally, is being aware
of the fact that this is normal.
Actually having all ranges ofemotion in this very challenging
time in your parents' life andyour life as the caregiver,
recognizing that's normal andnot necessarily trying to avoid
(07:56):
it can be very helpful to justrecognize that, oh gosh, I am
compassionate, loving, angry,resentful all at once.
And why am I feeling this way?
Because I'm human?
And realizing that you're notthe only one who feels that way
can be extremely helpful.
And then you just experiencethose things and realize that
(08:17):
they're going to pass.
Don Drew (08:18):
I hate to bring up a further complication, but
sometimes there are othersiblings involved, and they may
not always agree with you orwhoever the caregiver is we're
talking about.
They may not agree about what'sbest for mom and dad.
Do you have any advice for howto work through that?
Cindy Kang (08:36):
Yes.
And I find that it's often thecase when you have siblings and
an aging parent who needsassistance.
Usually one, I don't know ifyou've noticed this, but one
sibling usually steps up as kindof the lead, which is quite
helpful.
And I would recommend that theymaintain a clear level of
communication with the othersiblings and gauge what the
(08:59):
level of engagement is.
because again, it really dependson the family's dynamic.
Do the other siblings even wantto be involved?
Do they just wanna be barkingout what they think is right or
wrong, but not willing to stepup and actually do it?
I like the philosophy.
Well, if you're gonna suggestit, then you own it.
But if you're gonna suggest itand delegate it, then that's a
(09:19):
whole different story.
And so as that lead sibling, orif you don't have a lead, but
you have a group of siblingshaving regular sibling
touchpoints, whether it's aphone call, a cadence, and then
spelling out a very simple,family agreement.
Who's gonna organize the outsidecaregiver schedule?
Who's gonna help financially ifthey can't help physically?
(09:42):
Who's gonna order some Uberdelivered meals on certain days?
Things like that.
And having an arrangement aheadof time can really help smooth
out the disagreements.
And again, the if you suggest ityou own, usually helps when
somebody's like, oh, nevermind,then maybe that's not such a
great idea if I'm the one whohas to do it.
David Lowry (10:02):
I love the idea of open communication.
In your book, you walk yourreaders through some of the
legal things they need to knowon financial sides of things.
Since you're an attorney and doestate planning, let's talk
about some of those importantdocuments we need to be thinking
about.
Cindy Kang (10:16):
In the book I wanted to at least provide an overview
of the different legal,financial, government resource
landscape out there because itcan be so overwhelming.
It really is overwhelming.
I'm an attorney and it'soverwhelming.
So the book tries to lay out atleast some basic areas that I
would hope the reader can diginto the extent that it applies
(10:38):
to them and in their state,since it's even more
complicated, it's state bystate.
But with my hat as an estateplanning lawyer, I would
recommend that everyone needs tohave some basic documents in
place, regardless of your assetsand things like that.
Anyone who has a body, that'spretty much everyone, needs to
have incapacity documents inplace.
(10:59):
That would be a durable power ofattorney, which assigns a
trusted person, an agent, tomake decisions for you if you're
not able to make decisions foryourself, for your financial and
daily day-to-day types ofmatters.
And then some type of healthcaredirective, which is a similar
concept, if you're not able tomake medical decisions for
(11:21):
yourself, you have a trustedperson to do that for you so
that they know what yourpreferences are and that it's
not left up to guessing and leftup to chance.
David Lowry (11:30):
Cindy, I really agree with what you just said,
and if people wanna use thisprogram, and me as an example,
my mom did not have a livingwill in place.
And I think my mom probablythought we would know what to
do.
So when the big stroke happenedto her, all three of us were put
into a room with a doctor havingto make decisions.
It really put us in a spottrying to decide in this
(11:53):
critical moment, What do we dofor our mother?
So please, please, please getdirections, put it in writing,
tell your children, and have iton hand.
Those are so very vital.
Cindy Kang (12:04):
At a minimum, everyone should have their
incapacity documents, and thenext level would be to have some
type of a living trust in place.
The way I like to describe it isestate planning is not about
you, it's about the people youlove.
And if you can have your wishesset out and planned now, it
makes life so much better whenyou're unable to make those
(12:27):
decisions directly for yourloved ones.
It's an act of love and an actof giving you peace of mind.
Those are some basic documentseveryone should have.
And then hopefully you can gointo the book and look at all
the different areas becausethere's so many other resources.
A lot of it's just awareness andit can drastically improve your
life as the aging parent or yourlife as the caregiver.
Don Drew (12:51):
One of the big issues that always comes up is
supporting independence anddignity in the parents' life.
How do you help people find aright balance between providing
support and respecting theirparents' independence and
dignity?
Cindy Kang (13:03):
That's a really great question.
In my opinion, it's a matter ofrespect and putting yourselves
in the shoes of your parent.
How would we want our childrento approach that with us?
Do we want them to bark ordersand tell us this is how I need
things to be done?
Well, no, we would want there tobe a dialogue.
The best and most helpfulapproach, at least in my
(13:27):
experience, is enabling ouraging parents to have as much
independence and agency overtheir lives as long as possible.
And whatever we can do tobolster and support that
independence the better.
Because why would we wanna takethat away since that would put
more on our plate, right?
If they can do it, encouragethem, support them, and let that
(13:51):
ride out as long as possibleuntil they no longer can do
that.
And then we can step in.
They might have the ability todo things on their own in
certain areas for a very longtime, but a lot of adult
children, think, Oh, well, momcan't do this one area, I'm just
gonna take over for everything.
And that usually doesn't go overwell for either side.
David Lowry (14:12):
Really great advice for all of us.
Just remember, How do you wannabe treated?
Because guess what?
You're gonna be in that spotsomeday.
And what you give out isprobably what you're going to
get at some point.
Cindy caregiver burnout is areally huge issue.
What are some of the earlywarning signs and what can
listeners do to avoid burningout?
Cindy Kang (14:33):
That is definitely a serious concern and I
experienced it intensely.
Some of the early signs wouldinclude emotional exhaustion to
the point of almost the sense ofnumbness.
You go from caring so much andbeing on top of everything, and
(14:53):
now you've researched everythingand you've read all these books
and you're all over it.
But you get to the point whereall these different emotions
don't make any sense.
Where it's like in one momentyou feel love and another moment
you feel hate, and just allthese things coming together and
your nervous system just goesoverboard and at some point you
just shut down and you don'trealize it until you notice
(15:15):
yourself almost not being ableto feel anything.
You're just kind of numb.
So that's one thing.
You just can't feel anything,that's a sign.
Another is.
You feel too much and it'susually negative.
Intense irritation and anger andit's really bad when it starts
being directed at the personyou're taking care of.
You see them and you just getsuper angry and irritable, like,
(15:39):
okay, this is getting reallybad.
Another thing is neglectingyourself.
Basic things, you know, Oh, Idon't need to eat, I'm not gonna
eat.
Or, I don't have time to eat.
Or I don't have time to go tothe dentist, et cetera.
Another one is hyperresponsibility, feeling like No
one can take care of mom like Ican.
I'm not gonna delegate becauseit's not gonna be done right.
(16:00):
Only I can do it.
Which just leads more into thatvicious cycle.
Those are a few signs and somethings that can really help nip
that in the bud before it goesinto full-blown catastrophe
mode.
Because if you don't check that,you are not going to be able to
function and then you are nothelping anybody.
Now you're gonna have to haveanother caregiver for you.
(16:21):
So some ways to nip that in thebud, again, it's awareness.
Just being aware that caregiverburnout is a real thing.
And these are some of the signs,at least knowing that like,
Okay, there's a name to it, I'mnot going crazy.
I'm not a terrible person.
This is a result of just beinghuman and being under the
circumstances.
And another thing is once you'reaware, to have an outlet to
(16:45):
communicate and building thatcommunication into a larger self
care mini routine.
It doesn't have to be long sincewe know that caregivers are time
starved.
It could just be Okay for twominutes every hour, whatever it
might be, I'm gonna go take adeep breath outside and give my
best friend a phone call andjust check in, or go and log
(17:09):
into a caregiver support groupand at least be able to have a
place where you can, say, Thisis a really hard day.
Just have some outlet thatfurther bolsters that awareness
that this is a normal part ofcaregiving, and enable you to
have somewhere to channel thatenergy.
Although it might be hard toimagine right now, that one day,
(17:31):
this period that seems sooverwhelming will be a cherished
memory.
And to explain that, I was inthe middle of it with my dad.
It was such a hard time.
It was just so rough.
I was so burnt out.
And I was speaking with thislady who told me that she had
lost both of her parents.
She was in her maybe latesixties and she had lost her
(17:52):
parents a few years earlier andshe had been a caregiver for
them for years.
And during that time she wasjust miserable.
because when you're in it,you're kind of miserable a lot
of times.
It's really grueling work.
And now that she was past it,she said, strangely enough, I
look back, it was some of themost beautiful, most cherished.
It gets, it chokes me upcherished memories because it's
(18:14):
such a special and sacred timethat you're providing that
support for your loved one.
I'm sorry, I get emotional.
So just know that even though itfeels like it seems endless at
times, that this season willpass and just to conduct
yourself and interact with yourloved one in a way that you'll
(18:37):
know that you'll be able to lookback and have no regrets and to
also give yourself grace.
You don't have to be perfect.
You just have to be present.
Your presence alone is already ahuge gift.
David Lowry (18:49):
Caregivers feel such a obligation to be with one
they love, and at the same time,they need relief and they need
some time to themselves and theyneed moments of peace and quiet.
I have a friend right now who isgoing through this caregiving
thing you're talking about.
And it's been a while,25-7-attention.
(19:10):
And when I see this person, Isee the wear and the stress.
This is a very difficult timefor people.
So you're giving us such greatadvice on this.
You've created a practical bookwith so many tools.
Can you share one or tworesources or checklists that
readers have found especiallyhelpful?
Cindy Kang (19:28):
Yes, and it ties into caregiver burnout too
because another thing that youshould do to avoid that full
blown burnout is ask for help,know where all the different
resources are, and using theseprofessional resources, they are
the true background heroes thatmakes all of this possible and
(19:49):
oftentimes people aren't awareor don't rely on these resources
enough.
Just reaching out andunderstanding what services are
out there is a huge relief toknow like, oh, I might not need
this today, but at least I knowit's out there.
So if things get reallyoverwhelming, at least I know
that these exist.
And then when you get to acertain point, actually calling
(20:12):
upon them to step into your teamso you're not doing this on your
own.
And when you invest time andenergy to finding and training
some of these outsideprofessional resources and
in-home caregivers for example,they free up so much of your
(20:32):
time and emotional bandwidth sothat now you're freed up not to
just change the bedsheets anddiapers or whatever it might be,
but you are there now to providethat emotional support while you
have this help to do some of theother things that generally
cause a lot of resentment infamily caregivers.
Don Drew (20:51):
Your book points out that you don't have to do it all
on your own.
There are a number of otheroutside professionals such as
geriatric care managers, in homeaides, senior living advisors,
people of that nature.
How can you use or integratethem into the care that you want
to provide?
Cindy Kang (21:08):
Yes.
There's a master caregiverchecklist, which is kind of The
Big Kahuna.
When I was going through thisand envisioned this book, this
resource I was hoping andwishing that there would be
someone who had been throughthis before who could just sit
next to me and give me a headsup like, Hey, you might wanna be
thinking about this next beforeit comes, because you know,
usually by the time it comes,that's when everyone's
(21:30):
scrambling.
So this master checklist is yoursurrogate mentor who's sitting
right next to you who can guideand prompt you, Hey, have you
thought about this?
Have you thought about that?
And proactively go and gatherthings so that you have
everything in one place beforeyou actually need them.
Because chances are, when youneed that information, it's all
(21:52):
oftentimes in a circumstancewhere it's stressful and rushed
and you can't find things.
If you can use that checklistand gather everything ahead of
time, it's the whole organizedreally prevents overwhelm.
So that's been useful.
Another one has been there's alist that I have of smart
(22:12):
gadgets.
So wifi enabled smart gadgetsand using technology to help us.
The technology's out there, butwe're recreating the wheel and
giving ourselves all this manualburden when we really don't have
to.
So I have a list of differentgadgets that enables caregivers
to have a little bit morefreedom.
(22:33):
Things like the smart the NestThermostat, so when mom calls
and says It's so cold, can youplease turn down the air
conditioner?
We don't have to drive 20minutes to go do that.
You just do that from yourphone.
There's also things like a stoveguard so if someone forgets to
turn off the stove, which isvery common, as my dad had that
problem, you can set thetimeframe, if it's no motion and
(22:56):
the fire's on for more than fiveminutes, it automatically shuts
off.
Things like that make life mucheasier.
One other one is the smartspeaker, like the Amazon Echo,
goodness, that has been such agame changer for my dad and mom.
Enabling our aging parents tolearn how to use those things
bolster their own sense ofindependence so they can check
(23:19):
the weather, check the date,play their favorite songs.
It's so awesome to see themlight up when they learn
something new and it keeps thememotionally more uplifted, which
means less time for you to tryto cheer them up.
So using those technology listsI think has been very, very
helpful for readers.
Don Drew (23:39):
Well, Cindy, if there's one message you hope
every listener walks away withtoday, what would it be?
Cindy Kang (23:44):
I just wanted to offer to your listeners if
there's anything that I can doto be of service and, provide
any resources or support thatthey're free to reach out to me.
They can reach out to me at mycurrent boutique law firm, I'm a
virtual law firm based inCalifornia.
I support families located inCalifornia.
(24:04):
They can reach me at my website,which is www dot, CMK Law Group
dot com.
And I'd be happy to sharewhatever resources I can.
And the other thing I'd like tooffer is that I also established
a free Facebook support groupfor caregivers of Aging loved
ones.
(24:25):
And that is a growing group.
But if your listeners would liketo check it out they can go to
Facebook and search for SupportFor Caregivers Of Aging Parents
And Loved Ones.
That's the name of my supportgroup.
And hopefully there could be atleast some place, it's a safe
(24:46):
moderated space where caregiversof aging parents can freely
share tips, feelings, emotions,so that they don't feel like
they need to go through thisalone.
Don Drew (24:57):
Cindy and her book, My Parent Needs Help is available
on Amazon under her pen nameCynthia Kaye, that's K A Y E.
While every situation isdifferent, there are certain
common elements that most familycaregivers share like
determining living arrangements,managing medical treatments,
organizing a caregiver schedule,and figuring out how to pay for
(25:18):
it all.
Cynthia Kang, thank you forbeing with us on Peaceful Life
Radio.
Cindy Kang (25:23):
Thank you so much for having me.
That was Cindy Kang, our guest today on
(00:02):
Peaceful Life Radio.
She's the author of the book, MyAging Parent Needs Help.
Oh, we're gonna need to knowmore about that.
Don, my good friend is on theprogram with us today.
How are you, Don?
Don Drew (00:12):
I'm doing well, David, and today I'm going to introduce
our guest Cindy Kang, who isalso known by her pen name,
Cynthia Kaye.
The author of My Aging ParentNeeds Help: Seven Step Guide to
Caregiving with no Regrets, MoreCompassion and Going from
Overwhelmed to Organized.
This book is a compassionate andpractical guide for family
caregivers navigating theemotional and logistical
(00:34):
challenges of caring for agingparents.
Her book was Born from DeeplyPersonal experiences, which
we're gonna be talking about,and has served as a lifeline for
many overwhelmed caregiverstrying to find their way.
Professionally, Cindy is thefounder of CMK Law Group, a
boutique virtual law firm basedin California.
It focuses on estate and specialneeds planning.
(00:56):
After two decades as a corporateattorney for companies like
Disney and Google, Cindy nowhelps busy parents, especially
those in the sandwichgeneration, gain peace of mind
through thoughtful, clear, andcompassionate legal planning.
Cindy, welcome to Peaceful LifeRadio.
Cindy Kang (01:12):
Thank you so much for having me here.
David Lowry (01:14):
Cindy, we are impressed with you, a U-C-L-A
attorney, and then she workedfor Google and Disney.
I mean, you've been around theblock, girl.
Tell us about your journey,which led you to writing My
Aging Parent Needs Help and yourwork as an attorney, and how all
of that works together.
Cindy Kang (01:32):
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's, it has been an interestingpath.
Professionally being an attorneyfor over 20 years.
And now kind of switching gearsinto estate planning, it really
goes hand in hand with what'salways been in my heart, which
has been how to connect withpeople, especially the people in
(01:55):
populations where they'revulnerable or forgotten.
So it's the poor, the aged, orthe disabled.
So right now I focus on helpingfamilies plan ahead for peace of
mind after they're gone.
And with regard to the book andmy personal experience as being
(02:16):
a family caregiver, it's beensuch an interesting and
heartfelt path, caring for myown parents.
And it came to the point where Irealized, okay, I think there's
enough people out there whowould benefit from some of the
learnings that I gathered.
And if I can be of any serviceand put this together into a
book, I would be very happy todo that.
Don Drew (02:37):
Cindy, your father needed quite a bit of care after
suffering several strokes andalso you still care, I guess,
for your 91-year-old mother.
Can you tell us a little bitabout that personal experience?
Cindy Kang (02:48):
I'm in it right now, very personally.
My father after suffering a fewstrokes, was bedbound and really
needed a lot of help.
Prior to that though, it hadbeen a gradual journey, and I've
always been somewhat of in thatcaregiver role for my parents.
So it wasn't sudden.
I had always taken on some levelof responsibility, caring for my
(03:09):
parents, but once he becamebedbound it went to a whole
other level where I really doveinto that all consuming journey
of being that family caregiver.
My father passed away a fewyears ago, and ever since that
point I shifted gears andfocused on my mother to make
sure that she was okay, and sheactually recently entered into
(03:30):
at home hospice.
So we're going into a new phaseof this journey.
It's an ongoing learningexperience for me.
David Lowry (03:38):
Cindy.
We've had nurse Penny Hawkins onour program, a hospice nurse, an
advocate for people in hospicecare and doing things like what
you're doing.
So, our best wishes andblessings are our minds for you
and your mother, during thistime and hope that everything
goes well.
Many people struggle to knowwhen to become involved.
You see your parents and youthink, oh, they're okay.
(04:01):
Or they'll tell you we're fine,but you look at'em and you're
not so sure.
What are some subtle signs thata parent may need more help than
they're letting on?
Cindy Kang (04:09):
Like I said earlier, it really sneaks up on us.
It's not a all of a sudden clearcut thing.
It's a very gradual thing, whichmakes sense.
because as we age we startlosing some of our abilities on
a gradual, almost unnoticeablebasis.
A few common signs that I'veexperienced personally and what
I hear of when I'm talking toothers are things like piles of
(04:30):
mail that isn't opened, or younotice that bills aren't being
paid or that they're not eatingquite as they used to.
When you go and visit and yousee their refrigerators empty.
And you also notice changes intheir personality or activity
levels.
Just things that are subtle, butyou know that you just get this
(04:54):
sense that things are not quiteright, and that is what might
trigger you to dig deeper andstart that conversation.
Don Drew (05:04):
One of our, guests, Dr.
Christie Vincent talked with usa few months ago now, and her
point was to ask more questions.
Cindy Kang (05:11):
Yes, and so much of it, like everything else,
depends on each family's uniquedynamic, their existing
relationship.
But that all being said, I thinka general good rule of thumb is
to approach conversations withcuriosity not commands.
Oftentimes when adult childrensee their aging parents start to
(05:35):
diminish in certaincapabilities, we're already in
that mindset of kind of barkingorders at our children and
taking over and thinking we knowbetter and best, which generally
doesn't work well.
And instead, really having thatself-control.
I think it takes a lot ofdiscipline for us as adult
children to remember andrecognize that our parents are
(05:59):
adults, that they do still have,depending on where they are in
that journey, they still havetheir abilities.
And just because they may befading in their abilities in
some areas doesn't mean they'refading in all areas.
And so one of the techniquesthat I use and that I've seen
works with my other friends whogo through this is bringing
(06:21):
stories up, right?
When I talk to my mom, I wouldreference another friend of mine
who we both know and, Oh, youknow what?
So and so's mom ended up at thehospital.
She didn't have any of herdocuments ready.
It ended up being a bignightmare for everyone.
And now that she's out of thehospital, she realizes that she
needs to get X, Y, and Zprepared and have we thought
(06:43):
about that?
So you engage in thatconversation with that parent
being involved and feeling thatthey're initiating and in
control, and to have that senseof togetherness in approaching
it really helps rather thanpitting yourself against each
other because you are actinglike you know it all.
David Lowry (07:02):
Cindy, you sound so sensitive and you're giving
great communication advice onhow to approach parents, and I
think most parents know that,Well, I'm probably in the latter
part of my life.
I probably need a will, power ofattorney, written things like
this, but sometimes we feel alittle guilty about bringing
(07:22):
that up, or sometimes we gothrough stages such as worry,
resentment,or guilt.
How can we avoid this emotionalrollercoaster that adult
children go through in a morehealthy way?
Cindy Kang (07:35):
Right.
One thing that has helped me, atleast personally, is being aware
of the fact that this is normal.
Actually having all ranges ofemotion in this very challenging
time in your parents' life andyour life as the caregiver,
recognizing that's normal andnot necessarily trying to avoid
(07:56):
it can be very helpful to justrecognize that, oh gosh, I am
compassionate, loving, angry,resentful all at once.
And why am I feeling this way?
Because I'm human?
And realizing that you're notthe only one who feels that way
can be extremely helpful.
And then you just experiencethose things and realize that
(08:17):
they're going to pass.
Don Drew (08:18):
I hate to bring up a further complication, but
sometimes there are othersiblings involved, and they may
not always agree with you orwhoever the caregiver is we're
talking about.
They may not agree about what'sbest for mom and dad.
Do you have any advice for howto work through that?
Cindy Kang (08:36):
Yes.
And I find that it's often thecase when you have siblings and
an aging parent who needsassistance.
Usually one, I don't know ifyou've noticed this, but one
sibling usually steps up as kindof the lead, which is quite
helpful.
And I would recommend that theymaintain a clear level of
communication with the othersiblings and gauge what the
(08:59):
level of engagement is.
because again, it really dependson the family's dynamic.
Do the other siblings even wantto be involved?
Do they just wanna be barkingout what they think is right or
wrong, but not willing to stepup and actually do it?
I like the philosophy.
Well, if you're gonna suggestit, then you own it.
But if you're gonna suggest itand delegate it, then that's a
(09:19):
whole different story.
And so as that lead sibling, orif you don't have a lead, but
you have a group of siblingshaving regular sibling
touchpoints, whether it's aphone call, a cadence, and then
spelling out a very simple,family agreement.
Who's gonna organize the outsidecaregiver schedule?
Who's gonna help financially ifthey can't help physically?
(09:42):
Who's gonna order some Uberdelivered meals on certain days?
Things like that.
And having an arrangement aheadof time can really help smooth
out the disagreements.
And again, the if you suggest ityou own, usually helps when
somebody's like, oh, nevermind,then maybe that's not such a
great idea if I'm the one whohas to do it.
David Lowry (10:02):
I love the idea of open communication.
In your book, you walk yourreaders through some of the
legal things they need to knowon financial sides of things.
Since you're an attorney and doestate planning, let's talk
about some of those importantdocuments we need to be thinking
about.
Cindy Kang (10:16):
In the book I wanted to at least provide an overview
of the different legal,financial, government resource
landscape out there because itcan be so overwhelming.
It really is overwhelming.
I'm an attorney and it'soverwhelming.
So the book tries to lay out atleast some basic areas that I
would hope the reader can diginto the extent that it applies
(10:38):
to them and in their state,since it's even more
complicated, it's state bystate.
But with my hat as an estateplanning lawyer, I would
recommend that everyone needs tohave some basic documents in
place, regardless of your assetsand things like that.
Anyone who has a body, that'spretty much everyone, needs to
have incapacity documents inplace.
(10:59):
That would be a durable power ofattorney, which assigns a
trusted person, an agent, tomake decisions for you if you're
not able to make decisions foryourself, for your financial and
daily day-to-day types ofmatters.
And then some type of healthcaredirective, which is a similar
concept, if you're not able tomake medical decisions for
(11:21):
yourself, you have a trustedperson to do that for you so
that they know what yourpreferences are and that it's
not left up to guessing and leftup to chance.
David Lowry (11:30):
Cindy, I really agree with what you just said,
and if people wanna use thisprogram, and me as an example,
my mom did not have a livingwill in place.
And I think my mom probablythought we would know what to
do.
So when the big stroke happenedto her, all three of us were put
into a room with a doctor havingto make decisions.
It really put us in a spottrying to decide in this
(11:53):
critical moment, What do we dofor our mother?
So please, please, please getdirections, put it in writing,
tell your children, and have iton hand.
Those are so very vital.
Cindy Kang (12:04):
At a minimum, everyone should have their
incapacity documents, and thenext level would be to have some
type of a living trust in place.
The way I like to describe it isestate planning is not about
you, it's about the people youlove.
And if you can have your wishesset out and planned now, it
makes life so much better whenyou're unable to make those
(12:27):
decisions directly for yourloved ones.
It's an act of love and an actof giving you peace of mind.
Those are some basic documentseveryone should have.
And then hopefully you can gointo the book and look at all
the different areas becausethere's so many other resources.
A lot of it's just awareness andit can drastically improve your
life as the aging parent or yourlife as the caregiver.
Don Drew (12:51):
One of the big issues that always comes up is
supporting independence anddignity in the parents' life.
How do you help people find aright balance between providing
support and respecting theirparents' independence and
dignity?
Cindy Kang (13:03):
That's a really great question.
In my opinion, it's a matter ofrespect and putting yourselves
in the shoes of your parent.
How would we want our childrento approach that with us?
Do we want them to bark ordersand tell us this is how I need
things to be done?
Well, no, we would want there tobe a dialogue.
The best and most helpfulapproach, at least in my
(13:27):
experience, is enabling ouraging parents to have as much
independence and agency overtheir lives as long as possible.
And whatever we can do tobolster and support that
independence the better.
Because why would we wanna takethat away since that would put
more on our plate, right?
If they can do it, encouragethem, support them, and let that
(13:51):
ride out as long as possibleuntil they no longer can do
that.
And then we can step in.
They might have the ability todo things on their own in
certain areas for a very longtime, but a lot of adult
children, think, Oh, well, momcan't do this one area, I'm just
gonna take over for everything.
And that usually doesn't go overwell for either side.
David Lowry (14:12):
Really great advice for all of us.
Just remember, How do you wannabe treated?
Because guess what?
You're gonna be in that spotsomeday.
And what you give out isprobably what you're going to
get at some point.
Cindy caregiver burnout is areally huge issue.
What are some of the earlywarning signs and what can
listeners do to avoid burningout?
Cindy Kang (14:33):
That is definitely a serious concern and I
experienced it intensely.
Some of the early signs wouldinclude emotional exhaustion to
the point of almost the sense ofnumbness.
You go from caring so much andbeing on top of everything, and
(14:53):
now you've researched everythingand you've read all these books
and you're all over it.
But you get to the point whereall these different emotions
don't make any sense.
Where it's like in one momentyou feel love and another moment
you feel hate, and just allthese things coming together and
your nervous system just goesoverboard and at some point you
just shut down and you don'trealize it until you notice
(15:15):
yourself almost not being ableto feel anything.
You're just kind of numb.
So that's one thing.
You just can't feel anything,that's a sign.
Another is.
You feel too much and it'susually negative.
Intense irritation and anger andit's really bad when it starts
being directed at the personyou're taking care of.
You see them and you just getsuper angry and irritable, like,
(15:39):
okay, this is getting reallybad.
Another thing is neglectingyourself.
Basic things, you know, Oh, Idon't need to eat, I'm not gonna
eat.
Or, I don't have time to eat.
Or I don't have time to go tothe dentist, et cetera.
Another one is hyperresponsibility, feeling like No
one can take care of mom like Ican.
I'm not gonna delegate becauseit's not gonna be done right.
(16:00):
Only I can do it.
Which just leads more into thatvicious cycle.
Those are a few signs and somethings that can really help nip
that in the bud before it goesinto full-blown catastrophe
mode.
Because if you don't check that,you are not going to be able to
function and then you are nothelping anybody.
Now you're gonna have to haveanother caregiver for you.
(16:21):
So some ways to nip that in thebud, again, it's awareness.
Just being aware that caregiverburnout is a real thing.
And these are some of the signs,at least knowing that like,
Okay, there's a name to it, I'mnot going crazy.
I'm not a terrible person.
This is a result of just beinghuman and being under the
circumstances.
And another thing is once you'reaware, to have an outlet to
(16:45):
communicate and building thatcommunication into a larger self
care mini routine.
It doesn't have to be long sincewe know that caregivers are time
starved.
It could just be Okay for twominutes every hour, whatever it
might be, I'm gonna go take adeep breath outside and give my
best friend a phone call andjust check in, or go and log
(17:09):
into a caregiver support groupand at least be able to have a
place where you can, say, Thisis a really hard day.
Just have some outlet thatfurther bolsters that awareness
that this is a normal part ofcaregiving, and enable you to
have somewhere to channel thatenergy.
Although it might be hard toimagine right now, that one day,
(17:31):
this period that seems sooverwhelming will be a cherished
memory.
And to explain that, I was inthe middle of it with my dad.
It was such a hard time.
It was just so rough.
I was so burnt out.
And I was speaking with thislady who told me that she had
lost both of her parents.
She was in her maybe latesixties and she had lost her
(17:52):
parents a few years earlier andshe had been a caregiver for
them for years.
And during that time she wasjust miserable.
because when you're in it,you're kind of miserable a lot
of times.
It's really grueling work.
And now that she was past it,she said, strangely enough, I
look back, it was some of themost beautiful, most cherished.
It gets, it chokes me upcherished memories because it's
(18:14):
such a special and sacred timethat you're providing that
support for your loved one.
I'm sorry, I get emotional.
So just know that even though itfeels like it seems endless at
times, that this season willpass and just to conduct
yourself and interact with yourloved one in a way that you'll
(18:37):
know that you'll be able to lookback and have no regrets and to
also give yourself grace.
You don't have to be perfect.
You just have to be present.
Your presence alone is already ahuge gift.
David Lowry (18:49):
Caregivers feel such a obligation to be with one
they love, and at the same time,they need relief and they need
some time to themselves and theyneed moments of peace and quiet.
I have a friend right now who isgoing through this caregiving
thing you're talking about.
And it's been a while,25-7-attention.
(19:10):
And when I see this person, Isee the wear and the stress.
This is a very difficult timefor people.
So you're giving us such greatadvice on this.
You've created a practical bookwith so many tools.
Can you share one or tworesources or checklists that
readers have found especiallyhelpful?
Cindy Kang (19:28):
Yes, and it ties into caregiver burnout too
because another thing that youshould do to avoid that full
blown burnout is ask for help,know where all the different
resources are, and using theseprofessional resources, they are
the true background heroes thatmakes all of this possible and
(19:49):
oftentimes people aren't awareor don't rely on these resources
enough.
Just reaching out andunderstanding what services are
out there is a huge relief toknow like, oh, I might not need
this today, but at least I knowit's out there.
So if things get reallyoverwhelming, at least I know
that these exist.
And then when you get to acertain point, actually calling
(20:12):
upon them to step into your teamso you're not doing this on your
own.
And when you invest time andenergy to finding and training
some of these outsideprofessional resources and
in-home caregivers for example,they free up so much of your
(20:32):
time and emotional bandwidth sothat now you're freed up not to
just change the bedsheets anddiapers or whatever it might be,
but you are there now to providethat emotional support while you
have this help to do some of theother things that generally
cause a lot of resentment infamily caregivers.
Don Drew (20:51):
Your book points out that you don't have to do it all
on your own.
There are a number of otheroutside professionals such as
geriatric care managers, in homeaides, senior living advisors,
people of that nature.
How can you use or integratethem into the care that you want
to provide?
Cindy Kang (21:08):
Yes.
There's a master caregiverchecklist, which is kind of The
Big Kahuna.
When I was going through thisand envisioned this book, this
resource I was hoping andwishing that there would be
someone who had been throughthis before who could just sit
next to me and give me a headsup like, Hey, you might wanna be
thinking about this next beforeit comes, because you know,
usually by the time it comes,that's when everyone's
(21:30):
scrambling.
So this master checklist is yoursurrogate mentor who's sitting
right next to you who can guideand prompt you, Hey, have you
thought about this?
Have you thought about that?
And proactively go and gatherthings so that you have
everything in one place beforeyou actually need them.
Because chances are, when youneed that information, it's all
(21:52):
oftentimes in a circumstancewhere it's stressful and rushed
and you can't find things.
If you can use that checklistand gather everything ahead of
time, it's the whole organizedreally prevents overwhelm.
So that's been useful.
Another one has been there's alist that I have of smart
(22:12):
gadgets.
So wifi enabled smart gadgetsand using technology to help us.
The technology's out there, butwe're recreating the wheel and
giving ourselves all this manualburden when we really don't have
to.
So I have a list of differentgadgets that enables caregivers
to have a little bit morefreedom.
(22:33):
Things like the smart the NestThermostat, so when mom calls
and says It's so cold, can youplease turn down the air
conditioner?
We don't have to drive 20minutes to go do that.
You just do that from yourphone.
There's also things like a stoveguard so if someone forgets to
turn off the stove, which isvery common, as my dad had that
problem, you can set thetimeframe, if it's no motion and
(22:56):
the fire's on for more than fiveminutes, it automatically shuts
off.
Things like that make life mucheasier.
One other one is the smartspeaker, like the Amazon Echo,
goodness, that has been such agame changer for my dad and mom.
Enabling our aging parents tolearn how to use those things
bolster their own sense ofindependence so they can check
(23:19):
the weather, check the date,play their favorite songs.
It's so awesome to see themlight up when they learn
something new and it keeps thememotionally more uplifted, which
means less time for you to tryto cheer them up.
So using those technology listsI think has been very, very
helpful for readers.
Don Drew (23:39):
Well, Cindy, if there's one message you hope
every listener walks away withtoday, what would it be?
Cindy Kang (23:44):
I just wanted to offer to your listeners if
there's anything that I can doto be of service and, provide
any resources or support thatthey're free to reach out to me.
They can reach out to me at mycurrent boutique law firm, I'm a
virtual law firm based inCalifornia.
I support families located inCalifornia.
(24:04):
They can reach me at my website,which is www dot, CMK Law Group
dot com.
And I'd be happy to sharewhatever resources I can.
And the other thing I'd like tooffer is that I also established
a free Facebook support groupfor caregivers of Aging loved
ones.
(24:25):
And that is a growing group.
But if your listeners would liketo check it out they can go to
Facebook and search for SupportFor Caregivers Of Aging Parents
And Loved Ones.
That's the name of my supportgroup.
And hopefully there could be atleast some place, it's a safe
(24:46):
moderated space where caregiversof aging parents can freely
share tips, feelings, emotions,so that they don't feel like
they need to go through thisalone.
Don Drew (24:57):
Cindy and her book, My Parent Needs Help is available
on Amazon under her pen nameCynthia Kaye, that's K A Y E.
While every situation isdifferent, there are certain
common elements that most familycaregivers share like
determining living arrangements,managing medical treatments,
organizing a caregiver schedule,and figuring out how to pay for
(25:18):
it all.
Cynthia Kang, thank you forbeing with us on Peaceful Life
Radio.
Cindy Kang (25:23):
Thank you so much for having me.
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