Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
When's the last time
you had a pep talk?
Pep talk, pep talk.
Yo, when's the last time youhad a pep talk?
Has it been a minute?
That's okay, you're in theright place.
I've got you.
Welcome to pep talk.
And today I'm telling you thatyou need to learn to fail better
, intrigued, let's get it.
(00:21):
Welcome to Pep Talk, yourweekly dose of pep encouragement
, motivation and inspiration.
This is the podcast that cheersyou on and coaches you up, and
(00:46):
I am your host, coach J, a lifecoach in DFW, and I'm so glad to
be here with you for episode 69of Pep Talk.
So glad to be here with you.
Hope that your week has startedwell and if it hasn't, if
you're just needing a little bitof boost, then I hope that
we're able to provide that foryou in today's episode.
If you're new to the podcast,welcome.
You are an honorary member ofthe Pep Squad.
(01:06):
We take it upon ourselves to bea community of people who seek
to be the rising tide that liftsall ships.
We want to spread encouragement.
We want to leave people andenvironments in better shape
when we leave them than theywere, when we find them.
As much as possible.
We don't want to win byourselves.
We want to bring people alongwith us.
(01:26):
Amen, all right, all right, allright.
Now, for some reason, I foundmyself thinking about the old
Looney Tunes, and I'm reallyabout to date myself here.
How many of y'all remember theold Looney Tunes, right?
Wile E Coyote and theRoadrunner Yo?
Those cartoons I used to killmyself laughing at Wile E Coyote
(01:52):
.
Now, if you don't know what I'mtalking about, you can YouTube
them.
You can find them, they're outthere for you.
But Wile E Coyote was a coyoteduh.
Wile E Coyote was, you know, acoyote duh and he was always
trying to catch this roadrunnerwho would always just outsmart
him.
And he would do everything.
He would try to use dynamitefrom the Acme Corporation, he
(02:17):
would try to create fakebackgrounds and somehow the
roadrunner would always outsmarthim.
How?
The Roadrunner would alwaysoutsmart him and Wile E Coyote
would always end up being theone that is harmed by the traps
that he tried to use, the plantsthat he tried to use to catch
the Roadrunner.
If he tried to use theexplosives to blow the
(02:39):
Roadrunner up, he would end upgetting blown up by the
explosives.
If he tried to use a fakebackground, the Roadrunner would
seemingly run through thebackground into the horizon, and
when Wile E Coyote would try torun after him, he'd run smack
dab into it.
You know, boom.
It would be a debacle, and allyou would hear is the Roadrunner
(03:01):
saying beep, beep and then justrunning off.
It was just craziness, but forsome reason this week I was
thinking about that and wealways used to laugh at how
every plan of the road of thecoyote, every plan of his,
failed.
But this week I had a thought,and it was kind of an enduring
(03:24):
thought.
What if we lived our lives likeWile E Coyote?
What if we looked at each oneof his attempts not as a
miserable attempt at being madea fool of, but what if we looked
at each of his attempts asresearch toward getting better?
(03:46):
Now I know, I know the way thecartoon is written.
He's never supposed to catchthe roadrunner, because that
would be the end of the entirething.
Right, tom and Jerry, tom andJerry.
Tom was never able.
Tom the Cat was never able tooutwit Jerry the Mouse, but he
(04:06):
kept trying.
He tried over and over and overagain, repeatedly, repeatedly,
and just when he thought that hehad the mouse caught, jerry
would always figure out a way tooutsmart him, by calling on,
you know, the big bully bulldogon the block or getting inside
of his little mouse hole.
Whatever, he would always catchhim.
Or what about my favorite sport,basketball, michael Jordan.
(04:28):
Okay, thinking about his artinto becoming one of the
greatest basketball players toever play the game right, I
think his first six seasons hedidn't even make the playoffs,
despite scoring, you know, doingamazing things, establishing
himself, as you know, one of thegreatest players ever Early in
(04:51):
his career.
He didn't even make theplayoffs.
Then, when he drafted, theydrafted Scottie Pippen, got
Horace Grant.
They started making theplayoffs, but it was a steady
progression where each year theywere getting put out by the
Pistons, the Pistons werebeating them up.
Then they finally got past thePistons and they got past the
Cavs.
Then they became the dominantteam that we knew them to become
(05:14):
, because once they got to thefinals they weren't getting beat
right, but it was getting tothat point of failing repeatedly
and repeatedly and repeatedlyof failing repeatedly and
repeatedly and repeatedly.
And something interesting aboutthe narrative behind Michael
Jordan we often talk about howhe had to learn from those
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failures and we give him gracethat I don't think we give a lot
of other athletes, but that'sneither here nor there.
Not getting into the GOATdiscussion or anything, I'm not
trying to make any enemies, butwhat I'm trying to say and what
has been really, really it'sgnawing at me as I make this
episode is that in each of theseinstances, all of these people
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real, michael Jordan, fictionalcharacters, tom Kat and Wile E
Coyote what if we looked ateverything that they were doing
in a different light and we tolda different story about it?
What if I told you that thereal story of Wile E Coyote and
the Roadrunner is that Wile ECoyote continually conducted
(06:23):
research into the best ways tocatch a coyote?
Would that change the way youthought about his arc and his
purpose?
What if I told you that Tom theCat was conducting experimental
research into the many waysthat someone could attempt to
(06:45):
catch a mouse?
Does that cause you to look athis story and his arc in a
different way?
And here's what I'm telling youwe need to learn you and me, you
and I.
We need to learn to fail better.
(07:05):
There's no other way around it.
We need to learn to fail betterand we need to be failing often
.
If you haven't failed lately,that's probably an indicator
that you're not taking enoughrisks with your life.
(07:26):
So in Samuel Beckett's WestwardHo, there is a quote in there
that says Ever tried, everfailed, no matter, try again.
Fail again, fail better, again,fail better.
(07:49):
And there is this implicationthat when we fail, we should be
learning something from it.
However, in research that I'vedone, and even looking back at
my own life this whole idea oflearning from failure it appears
to be the exception rather thanthe rule, and what I mean by
that is most of us are out herefailing just for failure's sake.
We're not taking anything fromit, we are just failing
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repeatedly and we are stayingthe same, and that's not the way
that it's supposed to work.
Something is supposed to changewithin us as a result of
failure.
Michael Jordan became a betterbasketball player going through
those Pistons teams, those late80s, early 90s players.
(08:35):
They toughened him up, theymade him diversify his game
because they had the Jordan rule, so if Jordan went to the hole,
their job was to knock him down, and so Jordan had to learn to
develop more of an outside shotRight.
He had to learn to shore up hismid range shot.
Jordan took the failure and helearned from it.
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He failed better.
And when I say that we need tobe failing better, that's
exactly what I mean.
I mean that we should be takingdata from our failures and we
should use it to make it better.
I mean y'all, we cannot be outhere.
It's 2024.
We cannot afford to be out herefailing just for failure's sake
(09:21):
.
We need to be purposeful inwhat we're doing, in the risks
that we're taking, and thenthere should always be a point
when we fail that we evaluateand we reflect on what happened
so that we can be better when wetry again next time.
(09:43):
So I learned in some of myresearch that we uh that that we
expend a lot of energymaintaining a positive image of
ourselves, and so, as a result,we tend to recognize failures
and other people and pay closeattention to them and remember
them well, but when it comes toour own failures, we don't show
(10:05):
as much interest.
Isn't that interesting?
So researchers call thismotivated false memory, and what
this means is that ourselective amnesia helps us
forget our failures or wefabulate a different story about
them, and that enables us tomisremember what actually
happened so that we can insert apositive spin into it.
(10:28):
So you are in a relationship,the relationship didn't go well
and it ends horribly.
But instead of remembering thatit ended horribly, we might say
you know, I grew too much forthem.
Maybe you were the issue.
But you might say I grew toomuch for them or they weren't
(10:51):
ready for the person that I was.
Or we might say, oh, I justreached a point in my life where
I just really needed to focuson me, when the actual story
behind the breakup is that youcaused the entire thing.
Or we get fired from a job andwe might say they fired me.
You know, I was doingeverything that I was supposed
to be doing, I was doing whatthey trained me to do, and they
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still fired me for the very samething.
When, in reality, if we reallytake the rose-colored glasses
off and take the selectiveamnesia out of it selective
amnesia out of it maybe you werethe actual issue.
And see, although this process,this motivated false memory,
(11:38):
this self-selected amnesia, ismotivated by our need for
self-enhancement, to keepourselves looking good, a lot of
times our brain, our minds doit.
For us to maintain a positiveimage of ourselves Isn't that
interesting?
But I think the other part ofthat is also interesting, that
we're able to remember otherpeople's experiences and that
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we're able to learn from theirmistakes and learn from their
failures, even when we can'tlearn from our own.
It's interesting.
So Ronald Bledlow, at SingaporeManagement University, he and a
group of researchers discoveredthat drawing lessons from other
(12:20):
people's failures isparticularly effective, but it's
underused.
So, for example, when I tell mykids you know, you've heard this
a lot you tell your kids thatthe oven, the stove, is on, it's
hot, hoping to spare them fromburning themselves.
What they're going to do?
They're going to touch it tolearn from them.
(12:40):
They're going to touch it tolearn for themselves.
So in that case, they're notusing right the information that
I'm giving them from my life.
Or when I'm in my classroomwith students, I'm always
passing along nuggets ofinformation.
I'm trying to give them wisdombecause I want their lives to be
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better than mine.
I don't want them to go throughthe same mistakes and failures
and rejections and everythingthat I've gone through in life.
So I want to spare them and hipthem to game about life.
I remember I had this studentone time that said Mr B, I don't
know why you're trying to giveus all of this wisdom.
We're going to do what we wantto do and we'll just have to
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learn it the hard way.
And my response was but whywould you Like, if I'm giving
you like?
It's like playing MarioBrothers old school Mario
Brothers on NintendoEntertainment System.
If somebody gives you the gameguide and they have marked out
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every place in the game wherethey've made a mistake, but also
told you the exact buttoncombinations to use to get over
that obstacle and to beat thatboard, wouldn't you use it?
And I know some people outthere are going to say, yeah,
but I want to beat it myself, Iwant to beat it myself, I want
to beat it myself.
But when we're talking aboutlife, I personally think that
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every leg up that we can givesomebody else, I really think
that we should give it to them.
Yeah, there are going to beplenty of things in this life
that we're going to have to faceand learn from, but but if I
can help somebody be better injust a small way than I was, and
it helps them astronomicallyand exponentially.
Don't I have a responsibilityto do that?
(14:35):
I think it's interesting.
And their research about drawinglessons from other people's
failures.
It says that when studyparticipants heard stories about
failure, they were motivated tolearn and they retained more
information as a result.
(14:55):
His team also found that ourattitudes about failure matter.
Study participants who sawfailure as a valuable learning
resource tended to learn morefrom failure stories.
So I'm going to make anotherstatement here that you may or
may not agree with.
We learn more from failure thanwe do from success.
(15:20):
But here's the problem.
Many of us are so afraid tofail that we try to avoid it at
all costs, which stunts ourgrowth.
Many of us we play notmethodical way of life, but when
(15:52):
you're playing to win, you'relooking to take the risk.
You're looking to take the risk, you're looking to take the
chance because you want to shoreup your percentage possibility
of winning.
It's like in football At theend of the game.
I can't stand it when I seeteams begin to play prevent
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defense.
Prevent defense is when all ofthe secondary they back up.
They want to allow the offenseto get just a little bit of
yards, but not to go over thetop and to win, instead of
continuing to play the defensethat was helping them to win in
the first place.
Like why change it up, keepplaying the odds and play to win
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the game.
That's a famous Herm Edwardsquote.
We play to win the game.
We play to win.
We don't play to lose, we playto win, and that's a completely
different.
Those are two completelydifferent mindsets.
Which one are you doing?
Are you playing to lose?
I mean, are you playing not tolose or are you playing to win?
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I know in my own life.
I know in my own life I havebeen so afraid of failing, so
afraid of failing, that I havekept myself from speaking up in
meetings.
I have kept myself from at it.
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After all, my brain has thishabit of skipping all the way to
point Z and assuming failureand then going through all the
permutations of what thatfailure means, not just for me
now but for me in the future.
And so, because I'm trying toavoid the failure, I'm playing
(17:59):
not to lose.
I tend, I tended to put myselfinto these safe spaces.
Do the safe thing, not take therisk, not seek out the grand
adventure.
I'll take a small adventure,but not seek out the grand
adventure, to see what's reallyout there, what I can really do.
And I've also realized that Ineed to fail better and I need
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to fail more.
And it's kind of this thing ofwhen we look back on our lives
and I think I said this in thelast episode it's going to be
the risks that we didn't takethat we're going to regret, be
the risks that we didn't takethat we're going to regret.
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But what if we took everychance?
What if we faced everyrejection?
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What if we failed often, failedquickly and failed better?
How much more would we flourishand who might we actually
become as a result of living ourlives to win?
Who would you be if you playedto win more often, if you were
aggressive, more aggressive withlife, even more assertive,
rather than living in a passiveand pacifistic way and letting
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life come to you?
What if you went out andactually grabbed life by the
horns and saw where it couldtake you, if you were living
with a more intentionalmethodology?
I think it's time for us toreframe failure and its
association with the words guiltand shame, and I think we need
(20:00):
to replace guilt and shame withthe words research and discovery
, because in reality, that'sactually what failure is.
It's the narratives in ourbrain that causes us to default
to the more emotional reactionsof the failure.
It's the guilt, so I can't talkabout it.
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It's the guilt, so I have tomake up a story about why this
happened.
It's a shame I can't look atmyself properly because this
didn't go right.
It's a shame I messed up.
So people are going to look atme like I'm continually a mess
up.
But what if we shifted and saidthat the failure that I just
(20:42):
endured it was research, so thatwe can rebuild it and we can
make it better?
What if this failure was asource of discovery?
So now I know who I need to begoing forward, how I need to act
, what I need to obtain, goingforward so that I am better for
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the next time.
And and and I need to say thisagain if you fail once, there
needs to for the next time, andI need to say this again If you
fail once, there needs to be anext time.
Let me say it again If you failonce, there needs to be a next
time.
If not, you are severelyhandicapping yourself from
learning and developing and fromthe growth that could possibly
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come out of what you justendured.
What I think is cool also isthat there is a spectrum of
failure, because there arefailures that we don't want to
repeat, that we should never,you know, they just shouldn't
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happen.
But there are also intelligentfailures and those are the ones
that grow us the most.
And I found a really, reallycool spectrum of failures
looking in an article in theHarvard Business Review and I
want to go through a little bitof these because it goes from a
(22:09):
spectrum from blameworthy, whichare the lower level failures
that we don't want to repeat.
They don't grow us as much asthe other end, which are the
praiseworthy failures, which areseen as the intelligent
failures.
So what are blameworthyfailures, which are seen as the
intelligent failure?
So what are blameworthyfailures?
(22:29):
These are like deviants.
So when an individual chooses toviolate a prescribed process or
practice that kind of failurewe don't want to repeat or
inattention an individualinadvertently deviates from
specifications.
That means maybe you're bakinga cake and uh, instead of,
(22:50):
instead of reading thedirections, you just go off a
feel based off of what youthought you saw somebody do on
the food network.
Uh, based on what you thoughtyou saw your mama doing when you
were playing video games andshe was baking a cake.
Right, that's inattention, notgiving proper attention to
something.
You can fail there.
Yeah, it can teach you to paymore attention next time, but
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you don't want to repeat theinattention failures.
Too often they hold us back.
A lack of ability An individualdoesn't have the skills,
conditions or the training toexecute a job.
Now what can you learn fromthis?
Because you can learn from allof them.
What can you learn from them Todevelop the skills for the next
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time?
Right, okay, now I want to talkabout the praiseworthy, the
intelligent failures.
These are the ones that studieshave shown that can cause the
most growth and development inour lives.
At the top is exploratorytesting.
So this is an experimentconducted to expand knowledge
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and investigate a possibilitythat leads to an undesired
result.
So you have a process, you havea procedure and you want to see
what happens.
Most of the medications thatare out in the world today are
here because of medical trialsthat did not go according to
plan, but they kept going andthey kept going and they kept
(24:19):
going and finally they were ableto come up with something that
helps society.
That is intelligent failure.
Hypothesis testing, anexperiment conducted to prove
that an idea or a design willsucceed, but it fails.
That's intelligent testing.
You have a business idea andyou think that it could be big.
(24:45):
You have a hypothesis and youthink that it could be big.
You have a hypothesis rightthat your business idea that
there is a segment of thepopulation, a large segment,
that would really benefit fromcreating kitchen tiles that were
self-cleaning, so you neverneeded to mop again.
Okay, so you test thathypothesis and the first couple
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of houses that you use it on itgoes horribly wrong, but you can
take that data and you can goback to the drawing board and
come up with something else.
That's an intelligent failure.
What about uncertainty, a lackof clarity about future events
that causes people to takeseemingly reasonable actions
(25:31):
that produce undesired results?
These are intelligent failuresthat I'm saying we need to learn
to fail more at and we need tolearn to fail better at.
What kind of failures do youfind yourself making more often?
The intelligent ones or theblameworthy ones?
(25:55):
Are you just not payingattention or are you
intentionally testing somethingout to see how it would work, or
if it would work?
With the intention of our lives, we would see a drastic
difference in the way that wesee ourselves, we would see a
(26:27):
drastic difference in our outputand we would see a drastic
difference in the way that lifeis going for us and the people
that we attract into our livesto help us accomplish the final
version of what it is we'retrying to do.
Okay, so I've given you a lot ofthe back stuff.
(26:47):
We've talked about the types offailure that are acceptable.
We've established that we needto fail more.
We need to fail often, right,so I want to tell you how to
fail better, okay, and I want tojust give you, just briefly,
some things that you can focuson that I think can help you in
(27:11):
your processing of failure.
So the first thing is to createa safe space.
You need to not be about theprocess, the work of creating a
safe space for everybody else inyour life.
You need to create a safe spacefor yourself to fail and to
experience that failure.
(27:33):
And when I say that, what I meanis you need to quit being so
judgmental on yourself.
You need to quit tellingyourself off every time you have
a chance to.
You need to quit speaking suchmean things to yourselves when
things don't go the way that youthink that they should.
Your safe space with yourselfshould be a space where you
(27:55):
don't come walking back toyourself with your head down.
Come on, if your friend cameback to yourself with your head
down, come on.
If your friend came back to youand said, hey, I just got fired
or my invention just blew up inmy face, I'm a loser, I'm so
horrible.
You would say, wait, no, no,we're not talking like that over
(28:16):
here.
Then why is it acceptable foryou to do that to yourself and
please understand, I'm talkingto me too why is it acceptable
for you to call yourself a loser, for me to call myself a loser
and then just to keep on goinglike nothing has happened?
Y'all that's not safe.
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We are choosing violenceregularly with ourselves, in the
way that we think aboutourselves and how we experience
the things that don't go rightin our lives.
They are seasons.
If you learn from them, theyare seasons.
So when things don't come right, go right.
You should have a conversationwith yourself where you're your
(28:59):
own flavor flavor, you're yourown hype person and you're like,
okay, let's stop, let's writelet's journal about this.
What didn't go right?
What actually happened?
What didn't go right?
What did go right?
What, what?
What's the learning lessonthere?
What can I take away from thisso that the next time it can be
better.
And see, along with step numberone of creating a safe space, go
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step number two, which is totell yourself a better narrative
.
The stories that we tellourselves.
They have to be better storiesif we want to live a better life
and learn how to fail better.
The story that we tellourselves.
It can't be fake.
We're not doing the selectivememory here, the selective
(29:43):
amnesia.
We're not doing that.
We're going to tell a realisticstory of what actually happened
.
I chickened out and didn'taudition.
Okay, why did you chicken out?
I didn't think that I wascapable, okay, okay, that's the
story that we can tell ourselves.
That's the narrative, because,see, nothing true and lasting
(30:09):
can ever be built upon a lie.
I'm gonna say it again Nothingtrue and lasting can ever be
built on a lie, and thatincludes our lives.
If we are building ourexperiences, if we are building
our perspectives upon lies, thennothing that we do will be
(30:30):
sustainable.
We're just gonna keepinattentively failing, time
after time after time.
You've got to learn to tellyourself a new story.
Yeah, this didn't work.
Yeah, I was at fault, but Ihave learned from this.
I know that I have it within meto do better next time.
So I'm not going to give up.
I might have gotten fired, butI'm going to write a new resume.
(30:52):
I'm about to get out there.
I might have gotten dumped, butI know I'm still a catch.
I've got some work to do, but Iknow I'm still a catch.
I know I chickened out on theaudition, but I'm going to catch
the next one.
I'm going to find somebody tohold me accountable and I'm
going to do this.
My experiment failed.
Let's do it again.
(31:13):
You've got to tell yourself anew story.
It needs to be a true story,but it also needs to be one that
includes how far you've fallen.
You can bounce back twice ashigh, because when you learn to
fail better, the positiveoutcome of it has exponential
(31:33):
possibilities.
And then, last but certainlynot least, if you want to learn
how to fail better, you're goingto have to just get out your
own way and do stuff.
Just do stuff.
I don't know what it is in yourlife that you need to do.
I don't know what it is thatyou need to start.
Last episode was about starting.
(31:54):
If you need to learn how tostart, go back and listen to
last episode.
I don't know what you need tostart.
I don't know what you need tolearn.
How to start.
Go back and listen to the lastepisode.
I don't know what you need tostart.
I don't know what you need todo.
I don't know what your ultimategoal is, but I'm telling you
right now you've been sitting onit for too long.
You need to get out there andfail, because the only way that
you will ever see success in anygiven lane in your life is that
(32:16):
you must be willing to dosomething and it not go well,
and you come back and do itagain and it still not go well.
But you stick with it in theups and in the downs, whether
it's straight or whether it'scurved, whether it's crooked, no
matter what it looks like.
You have to stick with it.
You have to endure the failuresto appreciate the success.
(32:41):
And that's the thing, and thatis how you learn to fail better.
Listen again.
This episode has been abouttelling you that you need to
fail more and you need to failbetter.
That's just, that's it.
(33:03):
That is it.
So where can you fail more andwhere can you fail better?
So we have a fan mail option.
I would love to hear yourfailure stories.
I would love to hear how youare failing more and failing
better, and maybe what you'vetaken away from this episode.
(33:26):
Just drop and shoot us a fanmail on our Buzzsprout link.
We would love to hear from youand respond, maybe even read
some of them on the air in thenext few episodes.
But I want to hear from you.
I want to hear what you'refailing at and how that failure
is making you better.
(33:47):
What stories are you tellingyourself?
How are you creating a safespace for yourself and what
stuff are you doing?
Because we're not beingstagnant.
Life is not for stagnancy.
Life is for living, and inliving there will be times where
things don't work out the waythat we want them to, but we
don't let those times stop us.
(34:09):
We just keep moving forward.
So this has been episode 69 ofPep Talk with your host, Coach J
.
I'm so glad that you all havebeen here with us.
Let us know what you thinkabout the podcast.
Hit me up at thepeppodcast atgmailcom or on at underscore
JBSpeaks on Instagram, or sendme a fan mail.
Let me know what you'rethinking.
(34:29):
Leave us a five-star rating andreview wherever you listen to
your podcast.
We appreciate you.
I love you.
I think that you're great.
I think that you are destinedfor incredible things if you can
get out of your own way.
That's what somebody told me,so I'm telling you the same
thing, and y'all know how we endthings here Keep it love, keep
(34:50):
it light and keep it peppy.
I'll see you next week forepisode 70 of Pep Talk.
I love you.
Y'all be blessed, peace.