February 26, 2024 • 40 mins
Have you ever wondered what it means to truly embody intentional manhood and how our male friendships shape that journey? Step into the locker room of vulnerability with Coach J, as we dissect the stereotype-shattering world of deep male connections. This week, we're stripping away the bravado to reveal the scaffolding of support that every man needs, examining the power of genuine male friendships and the role they play in personal and communal growth.
From the pervasive shadows of toxic masculinity to the harsh truth behind the 'lone wolf' myth, we're laying everything on the table—no holds barred. We uncover the societal shifts that have caused a "friendship recession" among men. We're peeling back the layers of stoicism, challenging the stigma around male vulnerability, and proving that robust bonds between men are not only possible but essential for a well-rounded life.
Get ready to arm yourself with practical strategies for nurturing the kind of friendships that go beyond a shared love for sports or a pint at the pub. We're talking about the kind of profound connections that involve asking the tough questions and showing up consistently—even when it's uncomfortable. Join us as we redefine masculinity, one candid conversation at a time. Because here, it's all about embracing the collective strength of brotherhood, and together, we're setting a new standard for the next generation of men.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I have a question why don't men have friends?
Seriously, let's talk about it.
Listen more on today's episodeof the pep talk podcast, but
first I have a question for you.
Have you had your dose of peptoday?
No, don't worry, I've got you.
Now let's get into it.
(00:28):
Welcome to the pep talk podcast,the podcast that cheers you on
and coaches you up.
My name is coach Jay and I amyour host, and it is a privilege
, a pleasure and an honor to behere with you this week as we
continue our series on choosingintentional manhood.
That's right.
We're doing a series that isspecifically geared toward men
(00:53):
and the people who love them.
So if you are a man who'slistening I'm glad you're here
Share this with other brothers.
If you have a husband, a son, abrother, a cousin, an uncle, if
you know a man and love a man,I would ask that you would
listen to this episode, but alsothat you would share it with
(01:13):
the men in your life, because Iam convinced that we need
material that is specificallygeared toward us, that will help
us to become the man that we'resupposed to be, and this whole
idea of intentional manhood issomething that has been on my
heart for over a year y'all, andI believe that we have a choice
(01:35):
to make every morning when wewake up, that we are going to
choose to be the best man thatwe can, not just for ourselves,
but for the people in our livesmy wife and my children, my sons
and my daughters, my nieces andnephews.
They deserve to have me presentthe best, healthiest portrayal
(02:00):
of manhood and masculinity thatis possible.
And I know that out in the mediasphere there is a whole lot of
talk about toxic masculinity,and I want to come.
I want to.
I don't want to downgrade ordown talk this whole idea of
toxic masculinity, because itdoes exist, but I would also
(02:24):
like to present or representwhat healthy manhood looks like,
and I want to do that in a waythat encourages you, my brothers
, that encourages you to takecontrol of the narrative and say
that where toxic masculinitymight exist, it doesn't exist
here, it's not in my heart, it'snot in my actions, it's not in
(02:45):
my behaviors, it's not in theway that I think, and I think
the way to do that is to haveopen and honest conversations
about what true, intentional,healthy, positive masculinity
looks like, and how, when we'rebetter men, how when we are
better.
Things are better in ourcommunities, things are better
(03:07):
in our homes, things are betterin our workplaces, and I believe
that, with the women continuingto stand up, continuing to
elevate, continuing to createspaces where they can be
comfortable being themselves andsupporting themselves in the
spirit of sisterhood, I think weneed to be about the business
(03:27):
of doing the same thing, and sothat's why we are doing this
series.
So, if you are a first timelistener to the podcast, welcome
.
I'm so glad that you're herewith us.
I'm so glad that you arechoosing to invest in yourselves
and the poor into yourselves.
I think that is the utmostimportance.
If you have been rocking androlling with us and I'm so glad
(03:48):
that you're here with us as wellyou'll continue to leave those
reviews and those ratings onApple podcast route.
Continue to hit the subscribebutton on YouTube.
Continue to share this, thispodcast, with your friends, with
your families, with your family, with your friend and me's.
(04:09):
Continue to share, all right,because we're all about the
mission of helping you tounderstand that, while you're
great as you are, there's adeeper depth that you can dig,
there's a higher height for youto aspire to, and that, as long
as we're all doing that inconjunction with one another,
then we're going to make animpact.
It's not about the number oflistens excuse me, listens that
(04:31):
the podcast has, but it's aboutthe impact that we're having.
One listener at a time, onedownload at a time, and you know
it's important to me, like mycore values we talked about core
values last week are to inspire, to motivate and to encourage,
(04:56):
and that is one of this is oneof my ways of doing that week by
week, by coming to you everyweek with the pep talk podcast,
and so I want to go ahead andjump into the topic for this
week, but first I want to give arecap A last week's episode.
We talked about the importanceof self-awareness, how, if we're
going to choose to beintentional men, if we're going
(05:18):
to be intentional about ourmanhood and present the best
possible face of manhood to theworld because here's somebody
didn't say last week, but it'simportant to understand how you
present manhood to the peoplethat you encounter today might
be the only definition ofmanhood that they get and I'm
(05:38):
talking about from boys to youngwomen to adult women, to other
adult men how you presentmanhood guys might be the only
it might be the only definitionof manhood that somebody gets in
their lives from what they seeyou do today.
That's why it's important thatwe are about the process of
(06:02):
leveling up our manhood, and sowe talked about self-awareness
and self-reflection last week,how important it is that we know
ourselves, how we don't hidefrom the bad but only hype up
the good, how we are alwaysabout the business of conducting
self-audits so that we knowwhat's happening on the inside
(06:25):
of us.
Because what happens so oftenin my life, and as well as in
your lives, guys, is that wewant to hype up and present the
best possible version of ourhypest greatest self, while
knowing on the inside of us thateverything that we're
presenting outside, all thatglitters, is not gold, like we
(06:46):
have some lumps of coal in ourhearts, we have some lumps of
coal in our heads, and those arethe things that keep us from
being our best possible self.
So if we're about the businessof being aware of who we are, of
what's going on in our heartsand in our heads at all possible
times, then it allows us to bethe best possible version of
(07:10):
ourselves, which we deserve, butthose around us deserve to have
that as well.
And so today we want to talkabout this whole idea of
friendships because, in theresearch that I presented to you
earlier, the status offriendships among men it's in
danger, and I want to exploretoday of why.
(07:34):
That is why men needfriendships and how we can go
about developing those intimaterelationships with other men
that studies have shown that anypsychologist and psychiatrist
will tell you.
Men, we need them.
We see women having them.
(07:55):
We see women within the bondsof sisterhood, forming these
connections that are allowingthem to grow and to get better.
But why aren't men doing that?
So that's what we're talkingabout in this episode.
So get ready, because we'rereally about to dig into it,
because I think that this is thework, this is the conversation
(08:16):
that we need to have.
There was a song that saidfriends.
How many others have them?
How many of us really do havethe kind of friendships that are
challenging us but are alsogrowing us?
And as I thought about this,this topic, I thought about my
(08:38):
own life, and something thatI've always said about
friendships in my life is that Imay not have a lot, but it's
not about quantity, it's aboutquality, and for a lot of my
life.
I think that's been kind of adefense mechanism.
So I'm going to start with me.
Any change, if it's up to be,it has to start with me and we
(09:03):
should be the change that wewant to see in the world.
I remember growing up I pridedmyself in having a single friend
in every grade that was like mybest friend.
I self-proclaimed introvert,now a burgeoning ambivert as
I've gotten older.
But it was hard for me to makefriendships because I wasn't all
(09:27):
about sports, I was about thearts.
So I was about the writingpoetry.
As a matter of fact, in highschool I remember being teased
for writing poetry.
They called me poetic Justinbecause poetic justice had just
come out.
They called me poetic Justinand the sensitive soul that I
was, I would cry about it.
(09:48):
And so because I wasn't in theathletic sphere, I wasn't crazy
about any particular sport.
I could play them, but I wasn'tcrazy about them.
They weren't how I definedmyself.
I wasn't going to go to schoolfor sports.
(10:11):
So for a lot of my young life,parts of me felt alienated and
isolated from what the typicalman, manhood, masculinity,
definition was, because I wasn'treally able to identify with
the manhood on a sports level.
(10:31):
Now I could watch, I could keepup with the NBA because that's
my favorite sport by reading thenewspaper or by reading
articles, and I could talk aboutit, but it wasn't the thing
that set my heart on fire.
What really set my heart onfire was depth of conversation,
was being transparent with myemotions and being vulnerable.
(10:56):
Those have been enduringqualities about myself that I've
known since a young age.
Those are the ways that Iconnect it.
However, I learned to play arole in order to fit in.
So if girls are the topic, ohyeah, she's fine dog.
Oh yeah, I'd love to hang outwith her.
(11:24):
In the conversations that wewere having as young men when I
was in high school and growingup, it was about conquests.
It was about how many girls youhad, how many phone numbers you
had, how many dates you weregoing on, how many women you
were hooking up with, and I saythis understanding.
My daughter's going to hearthis, but she needs to hear it
(11:45):
right, because that's what wasgoing on in the male psyche as I
was growing up.
But an interesting thinghappened as I got married and,
yeah, as I got married, andthose college friendships began
to regrettably fall by thewayside.
(12:05):
We would keep up on Facebookbut we weren't calling one
another, we weren't hey, let'sgo hang out.
And I've noticed that as I gotmarried and began focusing on
starting a family and starting acareer, that it didn't have a
(12:27):
lot of those friendships.
I had my boy, my boy Trey Brown.
I'm going to give Trey a shoutout we.
So I met Trey when my wife andI were talking about, you know,
we'd gotten engaged and I joinedher church and I just met Trey
(12:48):
on a Sunday and for some reasonhe and I bonded immediately and
I immediately asked him to be mybest man.
Didn't know him from Adam, butI immediately asked him to be my
best man because I felt, I felta kinship with him.
And Trey and I are stillfriends to this day.
So my wife and I have beenmarried 20, almost 21 years.
(13:08):
So I would say Trey and I havebeen really good friends.
We've been brothers.
We've been brothers since forabout 21, 22 years.
Have another friend, mario.
We were best friends in highschool, like we would ride in
his cars and we always laughbecause whenever I would ride
(13:29):
with him in his car, he had aCelica, he had a Tarras, we'd
always seem to get into anaccident.
But, you know, even Mario and Iregrettably we don't talk as
often and we don't, you know,get up as often and he lives in
Cali and he's doing great things.
But I also think about you know, like I had friends in college,
(13:53):
tyrone, liv and Hazelhurst,mississippi, an amazing musician
, like we were really, reallycool, like we would perform for,
you know, ladies nights aroundcampus.
They call us, you know, insteadof KC and JoJo, high C and
Shashmo, because you know wewould do it, like we would write
music and we would do the thing.
(14:15):
And then, I think, my secondsenior year he dropped out and
we like really lost touch.
At that point, my friend Donald, we were like the best of
friends in college and at somepoint in adulthood we lost touch
(14:36):
.
And these are friendships, theones I've lost, are the ones
that I still grieve to this day.
And so when I see results, whenI see research that says, you
know, men don't have trueenduring friendships anymore In
2024, the amount of men who haveenduring friendships, one in
(14:59):
five, one in six men.
When 30 years ago, 50 years ago, 50% of men would say I have
riders, I have brothers.
I have guys that I'm alwaysgetting with, guys that are
inviting me, guys that I'malways inviting, but now it's
one in five.
Why, like?
(15:19):
What is really happening?
Why are male friendshipsseemingly going the way of the
dinosaur?
So I think here is where we haveto debunk a couple of myths.
Somehow it has been introducedinto the male psyche that there
is this lone wolf aspect tomasculinity and to manhood.
(15:43):
That's not true.
I mean, you can trace back toyou know, the first men and men
lived in tribes.
They hunted together, they atetogether.
So never in the male evolutionhas there ever been this thing
(16:08):
of I'm a lone wolf, I'm a do itby myself.
That's not a thing.
Men are social creatures asmuch as women are social
creatures.
Even the most introvertedintrovert at times will need to
come outside of the cave inorder to have some contact with
(16:29):
another person.
So, men, if you're out herethinking that you're a lone wolf
, no, that is a lie.
That is a myth that you havebrought into and it's hurting.
It is hurting men, it ishurting masculinity, it is
hurting our growth and ourdevelopment.
Again, I want to go back tothis whole thing In 2021,.
(16:54):
A survey of 2000, men found that15% of men said that they had
no close friends at all.
Why so this whole lone wolfmyth?
There are society expectations.
Like, society expects men to bestoic and self-reliant and
(17:17):
emotionally distant, and theseexpectations can hinder
vulnerability and authenticconnection.
Also, there is a fear ofjudgment.
Men worry about being perceivedas weak if they express
emotions or seek companionships.
So this fear of judgment.
It causes men to keep other menat bay.
(17:40):
So when we should be comingtogether and feel comfortable
with it, we're not really doingit and it's causing problems.
Also, declining involvement incivic and religious
organizations.
Fewer men are going to churchand I'm not saying church is the
only place where men can formrelationships okay, but civic
relationships, lower marriagerates, remote work since COVID
(18:06):
creates missed opportunities formen to develop friendships with
other men.
And then there's the broco.
It's like an unwritten contractthat says thou shalt not reveal
feelings, men.
You know, a 2016 survey by UK'sthe Movember organization says
(18:26):
that men lack socialconnectedness and that, while we
tend to connect overcommonalities like sports, what
really takes a masculinerelationship to a whole new
level is when we discover thatemotions are strange.
But the brocode says that wesuppress emotions.
(18:48):
But the truth is thatsuppressing emotions doesn't
make you stronger.
It weighs you down Really.
It takes courage and sharingyour struggles as a sign of
resilience.
And, real bro, support eachother Like.
Can we change the brocode tosay that thou shalt not reveal
(19:09):
feelings?
Can we just say we need to menas much as anybody.
We need people to listen, toempathize and to lift one
another up?
We need to rewrite the brocodeto include compassion and I need
to address this.
I think this is the right timeto address this.
(19:31):
The reason why I believe men arenot engaging in real
friendships is because somehowit has been introduced into the
definition.
I don't even know what this isis that men who show emotion to
(19:55):
another man are homosexualthey're gay.
Men who hug other men arehomosexual, they're gay.
So a lot of the softness thatmen used to be able to have with
one another.
Somehow the switch has beenflipped and they think that any
(20:18):
man who is longing for that kindof connection, any man who was
out here hugging another man ortalking about their feelings to
another man there's this homohysteria that being perceived as
gay can hinder male friendships.
So that's why you have theserelationships among men,
(20:41):
heterosexual men, where I'm notgoing to hug you, I'm just going
to tap you up.
I'm not going to cry in frontof you, we're just going to talk
about the game.
I'm not going to talk aboutwhat's really happening beneath
the surface, because for me todo that might uncover some
emotions and I'm uncomfortablerevealing emotions to another
man, because I don't want a manto see me cry.
(21:01):
I don't want a man to see me asweak, because we're men, we
conquer, we're victorious, we'rerocky, we're fight, we're MMA,
we're more power, more power.
We're not.
I'm going to cry in front ofthis guy beside me because nine
times out of 10, the same thingsI'm dealing with he's dealing
(21:24):
with.
But we're going to keep goingin the same direction, parallel
toward one another, but nevermake the emotional reach out,
the connection that will bind us.
In men we need intimatefellowship with other men.
It does not make you gay, itdoes not make you homosexual to
(21:50):
crave connectedness andbelonging with other men.
It's natural and there are somearticles out there that say
that man are suffering afriendship recession, they're
withdrawing.
But if you're out here sayingthat I'm not going to have a
(22:10):
relationship with another manbecause it makes him appear to
be gay.
You need to change the languagein your head.
You need to change your beliefsystems.
You need, you need.
You need a wholesale change inthe way that you think about
what friendships are.
You need to be willing toaccept and admit that you need
(22:32):
more and that more that you needis a vulnerability and a
transparency and a relationshipwith another man and other male
groups that can allow you to beyour authentic self in community
with other men who are theirauthentic selves, because it
helps you to grow and to be abetter man.
There's nothing wrong withhaving a bromance, because if
(22:57):
you're able to be more open andhonest with guys in your lives,
guess what?
It makes you healthier for theother people in your life who
need you.
There's nothing homosexual orsoft or feminine about it.
When we're, when we're boys, youlook at boys, they hug, they
(23:18):
high five.
Sexual psychologist Nairobi uhway did some research that said
that boys want and need to haveintimacy but feel pressured to
withhold vulnerability.
That helps foster friendships.
This means that boy friendshipsfade by late adolescence and it
(23:38):
increases their risk forsuffering mental health problems
and poor physical health.
We need one another Y'all thereare.
There are psychologists who runmen's therapy groups just to
give men a safe space to connect.
But it's the socialization ofour young, of our boys and our
(24:01):
young men that create guys likeme who were looking for the type
of connections that will helpthem to be better.
Because while I talk to my wifeabout everything, sometimes you
just need a guy that you canjust say I'm, I'm sucking right
now.
Life is hard.
(24:22):
Right now it does.
Things don't make sense rightnow, like this whole idea of
what it means to be a man.
I don't know what it meansright now.
I don't know what it looks likeand see.
With girls and women there'sless of an association between
physical affection and sexuality, so they're more open to the
answer and intrapersonalinteractions where they share
(24:45):
secrets and they'll give eachother a kiss on the cheek and
they'll give each other a hugand all these things.
But for guys it's just awkwardand it's because of the
stereotypes of men being thestrong, silent type Yo, I'm
married, I'm going to just grinand bear it, I'm going to just
do it.
But it's stupid and it's dumband that stereotype is doing
(25:09):
more to hinder our gender thananything else that might come
against us, because when youdon't recognize your social and
emotional and psychological andmental needs, you don't
recognize your social needs.
This is where toxic masculinitycomes from.
Part of the male tradition hasbeen to appear to be strong,
(25:32):
which makes you appear, whichmakes you appear to be more
secure, but it also makes youincredibly, incredibly lonely.
And I also want to say thisokay, my wife is one of the best
friends that I have that I'veever had in my life.
But, men, for us to place theburden on our woman to be our
(25:56):
confidant, to be our strength,to be our undergirding, that is
not fair.
For us to put it on the womenin our lives to fill those needs
, that is unfair, is not right,is not right and we've got to
stop it.
We put too many of ouremotional eggs in the basket of
(26:20):
the woman that we're with or thewoman that we're around and
when we feel like they're notmeeting that need.
Sometimes it's where affairscome from, not the physical
affairs, the emotional affairsthat really do the damage.
We've got to stop it.
We have to be aware enough toknow that we need other guys.
(26:42):
We need other guys to want tohang around us, to care about us
to just send a text message yobro, how's your day, how, how?
What kind of support do youneed, homie?
Like, what do you need?
We?
Just guys, if we're going to beintentional about our manhood,
(27:03):
if we're going to be intentionalabout becoming the kind of men
who are change makers, who arecommunity supporters and who are
growing up this next generationof men, they need to see it
modeled before them that it'sokay to have guy friends.
And when it always got to goout for a beer, when it always
got to go to the strip club.
If you go to the strip club, Iguess that's on you.
(27:24):
I don't do what, I've neverdone it.
We don't always have to do themasculine thing.
We can have a book club, we cansit down and have a nice dinner
in a restaurant.
We can go sit in the park andjust you know, just talk and
just be authentically who we are.
(27:45):
We've got to do it.
Men Like we, we, we, we reallyhave to do it and I am calling
on you and I am challenging youto break the stereotype, to
break the chain and to.
(28:06):
I heard it said that men do lifeshoulder to shoulder, while
women do life together, face toface, men.
I'm challenging us to buildface to face friendships.
I'm challenging us to buildface to face friendships.
(28:26):
Side by side works for a time,but face to face lasts for a
lifetime.
It is what creates change, itis what grows us.
Now you may be asking okay, soyou've read, you've read my mail
about needing friendships.
I need them, how, how, how do I, how do I make friends?
(28:46):
You know, making friends as anadult is awkward and it's weird,
but it's necessary.
And if we're going to be men ofintention, we have to commit to
doing the hard thing.
Choose your heart.
Being isolated is hard, buttaking the risk and taking the
(29:11):
chance of making friends is hard.
Choose your heart and I hopethat, as men who are listening
to this conversation, as peoplewho love men who are listening
to this conversation, you, weare challenging ourselves and
you are challenging us to choosethe hard of cultivating and
fostering friendships that aregoing to make a difference.
(29:32):
So how do we do this?
How do we, how do we formfriendships as men?
Let's talk about it Now,remember.
I want to circle back around tothe why in this, because not
having a male friendship, malefriendships, healthy male, male
(29:53):
friendships.
It impacts your soul, yourmental health, man, it causes
problems and we are done placingthe burden on our romantic
relationships to shoulder theload for the friendships that we
should be having with otherguys.
And I see a tight turning.
I really do, I really do, but Ithink we need to do more.
(30:17):
All right, so how are we goingto develop these friendships?
All right, first step is simple.
We're going to start withshared interests, our
commonality, same with anyfriendship.
So maybe it's football, right,maybe it's hockey, maybe it's
trivia, okay, put yourself in aposition with groups where you
(30:39):
have a shared interest, becausethat's the easiest door to walk
through and make it a point tospend, to set regular time aside
to spend with your buddies.
Like, it's easy for me to makeexcuses to not hang out, I'm
going to be honest with you.
It is easy for me to makeexcuses to not hang out.
(31:00):
I've got to be better aboutthat.
Be intentional about hangingout with the fellas, because as
you do that, opportunities willarise for more emotionally
intimate conversations.
Now, once you have thosecommonalities and you are
creating a rhythm of setting apersonal relationship, then
(31:25):
you'll be able to do it withyour friends.
It's a good way to do it.
Otherwise, you'll be happy tosend a message to your friends.
You can get this message bytime for face to face
interaction with other guys orwith another guy, all right.
Now here's where the couragecomes in, because we know that
close men's friendships don'thappen overnight.
(31:46):
We understand that there iswork that has to be done on both
sides In order for a moremeaningful brotherhood, for a
more meaningful male friendshipto form.
We have to get comfortablemoving past the surface level
questions and ask harderquestions.
How do you really feel aboutyour job?
(32:09):
How are things between you andyour girlfriend?
Are you and your wife?
I know you mentioned thatthings aren't going well, like
what's the real issue there?
And I know it's scary.
And it's scary because we areafraid of rejection.
We're afraid that when peopleget a chance to know us like we
(32:31):
know us, they're gonna turn theother way.
But y'all we have to man, wehave to trust somebody.
We have to trust somebodyenough to let them get to know
the real us.
And so, in order for us to dothat, we have to ask questions
(32:51):
that go deeper and take the riskof being vulnerable.
That's the next part.
Toxic social norms say men needto be strong and not show
weakness, but the fact of thematter is there is no strength
without weakness.
It's weakness that pushes us tobecome strong.
The weakness helps us to becomestrong and being vulnerable in
(33:13):
conjunction with men who aretrying to do life authentically
with you.
So we have to be willing toopen up and be honest about
sensitive topics like romanticrelationships, mental health and
self worth.
If you don't feel, if you feellike crap today, tell, find
somebody that you can tellsomebody that I feel like crap.
(33:34):
Why?
Because this and this and thisand this and this.
When you're honest aboutyourself and your feelings, it
makes you stronger and it allowsothers to feel safe, opening up
around you.
And then you've got to maintainthose friendships.
You got to check in during theweek.
Put it in your phone, put it onyour calendar Today I'm
(33:56):
checking in with Ricky.
Today I'm checking in withBrooks.
Today I'm checking in with Tray.
These are people that I checkin with and it doesn't.
Your brain is going to tell youthat if they're not reaching out
back to you weekly, that theydon't value you as a friend.
I need you to shut that thingdown, shut it down, shut it down
(34:21):
, because nine times out of 10,that is honestly not the case.
We have to get into a rhythm ofchecking in on one another, and
it can't we can't get tooconcerned about it being one
sided, unless somebody tells usthat it's one sided or unless
behaviors on the other partconvince us that it is a one
(34:44):
sided thing.
We can't assume, man.
We're talking about growing upand growing deeper by growing
deeper with one another, and sowe have to normalize it.
It's okay for me to check inwith my guys, for me to check in
with my fellas, for me to notallow friendships to go dormant
(35:06):
and to become stale, because thetruth of the matter is we are
people who need people, and it'stime for us to rewrite the
script and to create bonds thatlast a lifetime.
So here's my challenge to youguys.
Here's my challenge to you thisweek I want you to reach out to
(35:31):
someone and I know you're like,oh my gosh, he's asking me to
do what.
I'm challenging you to reachout to someone that you consider
to be a friend, that has thepotential to be a friend, and
just ask them to hang out.
I'm not saying you got to talkabout your feelings.
But if the if it presentsitself, ask some deeper, harder,
(35:54):
probing questions.
Let them get a chance to knowyou, because you are worthy of
being known man.
You were worthy of being seenman.
You were worthy of receivinglove from another guy.
No, it does not make you ahomosexual.
And even if you are gay, sowhat?
We all need friends and wedeserve to be loved, not just by
(36:17):
the women in our lives, but bythe men in our lives.
And the sooner you come togrips with that, the more color
and tone your life will begin totake on.
And are the days of the lonewolf man.
Being an intentional man meanswe recognize that, in order for
(36:39):
us to be at our best, we are atour best in relationship and
community with other men whowere trying to actively do the
same.
So it's time to be about thework, and I challenge you.
I challenge you to be the oneto reach out.
I challenge you to risk thevulnerability and the
transparency and to acknowledgewithin yourself that you need
(37:01):
other men.
And then I challenge you to putit, to put it to work, to put
put the work in and to put whatwe're talking about today in
this episode, put it to use and,over the next three, six months
, to see how your life begins tochange for the better.
We are growing, we're growingup, we are becoming better,
(37:23):
because we deserve it and thepeople in our lives deserve it
as well.
Y'all hear me, do you hear me?
How many of us have friends?
I pray that it's more than onein five as we move forward.
Who are those brothers in yourlife?
Who are they?
(37:44):
How are you reaching out tothem?
How are you cultivating thoserelationships?
Come on, brothers, we got this,we got this, and if you love a
man out there when you knowsomebody that this directly
impacts, I need you to get thisepisode into their hands.
I need you to get it into theirhands and because and I need
(38:07):
you to challenge them to bebetter in this area, to be more
self-aware and to be more aboutthe business of fostering and
building an authentic communityof brothers that's gonna help us
all become better.
All right, that's it.
That's episode 28 of season twoof the Pep Talk podcast.
(38:30):
We have been talking about menand friends, men and friends,
and my belief is that, as aresult of this conversation, our
friendships are gonna improve.
They're gonna be better becausethey have to be.
Our mental health has to getbetter, our sense of self-worth
(38:51):
has to get better, ourcommunities have to get better,
we have to unify and we have togrow one another.
All right, all right.
So I wanna hear from you what doyou think about this topic.
What do you think?
What did I miss?
Did I miss something in thereason why we don't have better
men friendships?
Did I miss a solution?
Send me an email atthepepppodcast at gmailcom.
(39:15):
Hit me up at underscore.
Jb speaks on Instagram.
I wanna hear from you, I wannaknow what you think.
What do you think about men andfriendships, the state of them
and how we get them better?
If there's advice that you haveto share, give it to me.
I'll share it out next week'sepisode, because we have to get
(39:35):
better.
We just do, we just do.
We notice.
I said we, we just do.
All right, so, yo, this hasbeen our episode for this week
and I pray that your week isamazing.
I pray that your relationshipsbegin to grow.
I pray that your communities,our communities, begin to mature
(39:59):
and to get better and to getdeeper, because we deserve it,
man.
You deserve it.
We are being intentional men.
We are choosing to beintentional about our manhood.
So y'all know how we end everyepisode right Keep it love, keep
it light and keep it happy.
We'll see you next week on theepisode 29 of the Peptalk
(40:20):
Podcast.
I've been your host, coach Jay,a live coach in Dallas, Texas.
I'll see you next week.
Y'all be blessed, peace.
I'll see you next week.
I have a question why don't men have friends?
Seriously, let's talk about it.
Listen more on today's episodeof the pep talk podcast, but
first I have a question for you.
Have you had your dose of peptoday?
No, don't worry, I've got you.
Now let's get into it.
(00:28):
Welcome to the pep talk podcast,the podcast that cheers you on
and coaches you up.
My name is coach Jay and I amyour host, and it is a privilege
, a pleasure and an honor to behere with you this week as we
continue our series on choosingintentional manhood.
That's right.
We're doing a series that isspecifically geared toward men
(00:53):
and the people who love them.
So if you are a man who'slistening I'm glad you're here
Share this with other brothers.
If you have a husband, a son, abrother, a cousin, an uncle, if
you know a man and love a man,I would ask that you would
listen to this episode, but alsothat you would share it with
(01:13):
the men in your life, because Iam convinced that we need
material that is specificallygeared toward us, that will help
us to become the man that we'resupposed to be, and this whole
idea of intentional manhood issomething that has been on my
heart for over a year y'all, andI believe that we have a choice
(01:35):
to make every morning when wewake up, that we are going to
choose to be the best man thatwe can, not just for ourselves,
but for the people in our livesmy wife and my children, my sons
and my daughters, my nieces andnephews.
They deserve to have me presentthe best, healthiest portrayal
(02:00):
of manhood and masculinity thatis possible.
And I know that out in the mediasphere there is a whole lot of
talk about toxic masculinity,and I want to come.
I want to.
I don't want to downgrade ordown talk this whole idea of
toxic masculinity, because itdoes exist, but I would also
(02:24):
like to present or representwhat healthy manhood looks like,
and I want to do that in a waythat encourages you, my brothers
, that encourages you to takecontrol of the narrative and say
that where toxic masculinitymight exist, it doesn't exist
here, it's not in my heart, it'snot in my actions, it's not in
(02:45):
my behaviors, it's not in theway that I think, and I think
the way to do that is to haveopen and honest conversations
about what true, intentional,healthy, positive masculinity
looks like, and how, when we'rebetter men, how when we are
better.
Things are better in ourcommunities, things are better
(03:07):
in our homes, things are betterin our workplaces, and I believe
that, with the women continuingto stand up, continuing to
elevate, continuing to createspaces where they can be
comfortable being themselves andsupporting themselves in the
spirit of sisterhood, I think weneed to be about the business
(03:27):
of doing the same thing, and sothat's why we are doing this
series.
So, if you are a first timelistener to the podcast, welcome
.
I'm so glad that you're herewith us.
I'm so glad that you arechoosing to invest in yourselves
and the poor into yourselves.
I think that is the utmostimportance.
If you have been rocking androlling with us and I'm so glad
(03:48):
that you're here with us as wellyou'll continue to leave those
reviews and those ratings onApple podcast route.
Continue to hit the subscribebutton on YouTube.
Continue to share this, thispodcast, with your friends, with
your families, with your family, with your friend and me's.
(04:09):
Continue to share, all right,because we're all about the
mission of helping you tounderstand that, while you're
great as you are, there's adeeper depth that you can dig,
there's a higher height for youto aspire to, and that, as long
as we're all doing that inconjunction with one another,
then we're going to make animpact.
It's not about the number oflistens excuse me, listens that
(04:31):
the podcast has, but it's aboutthe impact that we're having.
One listener at a time, onedownload at a time, and you know
it's important to me, like mycore values we talked about core
values last week are to inspire, to motivate and to encourage,
(04:56):
and that is one of this is oneof my ways of doing that week by
week, by coming to you everyweek with the pep talk podcast,
and so I want to go ahead andjump into the topic for this
week, but first I want to give arecap A last week's episode.
We talked about the importanceof self-awareness, how, if we're
going to choose to beintentional men, if we're going
(05:18):
to be intentional about ourmanhood and present the best
possible face of manhood to theworld because here's somebody
didn't say last week, but it'simportant to understand how you
present manhood to the peoplethat you encounter today might
be the only definition ofmanhood that they get and I'm
(05:38):
talking about from boys to youngwomen to adult women, to other
adult men how you presentmanhood guys might be the only
it might be the only definitionof manhood that somebody gets in
their lives from what they seeyou do today.
That's why it's important thatwe are about the process of
(06:02):
leveling up our manhood, and sowe talked about self-awareness
and self-reflection last week,how important it is that we know
ourselves, how we don't hidefrom the bad but only hype up
the good, how we are alwaysabout the business of conducting
self-audits so that we knowwhat's happening on the inside
(06:25):
of us.
Because what happens so oftenin my life, and as well as in
your lives, guys, is that wewant to hype up and present the
best possible version of ourhypest greatest self, while
knowing on the inside of us thateverything that we're
presenting outside, all thatglitters, is not gold, like we
(06:46):
have some lumps of coal in ourhearts, we have some lumps of
coal in our heads, and those arethe things that keep us from
being our best possible self.
So if we're about the businessof being aware of who we are, of
what's going on in our heartsand in our heads at all possible
times, then it allows us to bethe best possible version of
(07:10):
ourselves, which we deserve, butthose around us deserve to have
that as well.
And so today we want to talkabout this whole idea of
friendships because, in theresearch that I presented to you
earlier, the status offriendships among men it's in
danger, and I want to exploretoday of why.
(07:34):
That is why men needfriendships and how we can go
about developing those intimaterelationships with other men
that studies have shown that anypsychologist and psychiatrist
will tell you.
Men, we need them.
We see women having them.
(07:55):
We see women within the bondsof sisterhood, forming these
connections that are allowingthem to grow and to get better.
But why aren't men doing that?
So that's what we're talkingabout in this episode.
So get ready, because we'rereally about to dig into it,
because I think that this is thework, this is the conversation
(08:16):
that we need to have.
There was a song that saidfriends.
How many others have them?
How many of us really do havethe kind of friendships that are
challenging us but are alsogrowing us?
And as I thought about this,this topic, I thought about my
(08:38):
own life, and something thatI've always said about
friendships in my life is that Imay not have a lot, but it's
not about quantity, it's aboutquality, and for a lot of my
life.
I think that's been kind of adefense mechanism.
So I'm going to start with me.
Any change, if it's up to be,it has to start with me and we
(09:03):
should be the change that wewant to see in the world.
I remember growing up I pridedmyself in having a single friend
in every grade that was like mybest friend.
I self-proclaimed introvert,now a burgeoning ambivert as
I've gotten older.
But it was hard for me to makefriendships because I wasn't all
(09:27):
about sports, I was about thearts.
So I was about the writingpoetry.
As a matter of fact, in highschool I remember being teased
for writing poetry.
They called me poetic Justinbecause poetic justice had just
come out.
They called me poetic Justinand the sensitive soul that I
was, I would cry about it.
(09:48):
And so because I wasn't in theathletic sphere, I wasn't crazy
about any particular sport.
I could play them, but I wasn'tcrazy about them.
They weren't how I definedmyself.
I wasn't going to go to schoolfor sports.
(10:11):
So for a lot of my young life,parts of me felt alienated and
isolated from what the typicalman, manhood, masculinity,
definition was, because I wasn'treally able to identify with
the manhood on a sports level.
(10:31):
Now I could watch, I could keepup with the NBA because that's
my favorite sport by reading thenewspaper or by reading
articles, and I could talk aboutit, but it wasn't the thing
that set my heart on fire.
What really set my heart onfire was depth of conversation,
was being transparent with myemotions and being vulnerable.
(10:56):
Those have been enduringqualities about myself that I've
known since a young age.
Those are the ways that Iconnect it.
However, I learned to play arole in order to fit in.
So if girls are the topic, ohyeah, she's fine dog.
Oh yeah, I'd love to hang outwith her.
(11:24):
In the conversations that wewere having as young men when I
was in high school and growingup, it was about conquests.
It was about how many girls youhad, how many phone numbers you
had, how many dates you weregoing on, how many women you
were hooking up with, and I saythis understanding.
My daughter's going to hearthis, but she needs to hear it
(11:45):
right, because that's what wasgoing on in the male psyche as I
was growing up.
But an interesting thinghappened as I got married and,
yeah, as I got married, andthose college friendships began
to regrettably fall by thewayside.
(12:05):
We would keep up on Facebookbut we weren't calling one
another, we weren't hey, let'sgo hang out.
And I've noticed that as I gotmarried and began focusing on
starting a family and starting acareer, that it didn't have a
(12:27):
lot of those friendships.
I had my boy, my boy Trey Brown.
I'm going to give Trey a shoutout we.
So I met Trey when my wife andI were talking about, you know,
we'd gotten engaged and I joinedher church and I just met Trey
(12:48):
on a Sunday and for some reasonhe and I bonded immediately and
I immediately asked him to be mybest man.
Didn't know him from Adam, butI immediately asked him to be my
best man because I felt, I felta kinship with him.
And Trey and I are stillfriends to this day.
So my wife and I have beenmarried 20, almost 21 years.
(13:08):
So I would say Trey and I havebeen really good friends.
We've been brothers.
We've been brothers since forabout 21, 22 years.
Have another friend, mario.
We were best friends in highschool, like we would ride in
his cars and we always laughbecause whenever I would ride
(13:29):
with him in his car, he had aCelica, he had a Tarras, we'd
always seem to get into anaccident.
But, you know, even Mario and Iregrettably we don't talk as
often and we don't, you know,get up as often and he lives in
Cali and he's doing great things.
But I also think about you know, like I had friends in college,
(13:53):
tyrone, liv and Hazelhurst,mississippi, an amazing musician
, like we were really, reallycool, like we would perform for,
you know, ladies nights aroundcampus.
They call us, you know, insteadof KC and JoJo, high C and
Shashmo, because you know wewould do it, like we would write
music and we would do the thing.
(14:15):
And then, I think, my secondsenior year he dropped out and
we like really lost touch.
At that point, my friend Donald, we were like the best of
friends in college and at somepoint in adulthood we lost touch
(14:36):
.
And these are friendships, theones I've lost, are the ones
that I still grieve to this day.
And so when I see results, whenI see research that says, you
know, men don't have trueenduring friendships anymore In
2024, the amount of men who haveenduring friendships, one in
(14:59):
five, one in six men.
When 30 years ago, 50 years ago, 50% of men would say I have
riders, I have brothers.
I have guys that I'm alwaysgetting with, guys that are
inviting me, guys that I'malways inviting, but now it's
one in five.
Why, like?
(15:19):
What is really happening?
Why are male friendshipsseemingly going the way of the
dinosaur?
So I think here is where we haveto debunk a couple of myths.
Somehow it has been introducedinto the male psyche that there
is this lone wolf aspect tomasculinity and to manhood.
(15:43):
That's not true.
I mean, you can trace back toyou know, the first men and men
lived in tribes.
They hunted together, they atetogether.
So never in the male evolutionhas there ever been this thing
(16:08):
of I'm a lone wolf, I'm a do itby myself.
That's not a thing.
Men are social creatures asmuch as women are social
creatures.
Even the most introvertedintrovert at times will need to
come outside of the cave inorder to have some contact with
(16:29):
another person.
So, men, if you're out herethinking that you're a lone wolf
, no, that is a lie.
That is a myth that you havebrought into and it's hurting.
It is hurting men, it ishurting masculinity, it is
hurting our growth and ourdevelopment.
Again, I want to go back tothis whole thing In 2021,.
(16:54):
A survey of 2000, men found that15% of men said that they had
no close friends at all.
Why so this whole lone wolfmyth?
There are society expectations.
Like, society expects men to bestoic and self-reliant and
(17:17):
emotionally distant, and theseexpectations can hinder
vulnerability and authenticconnection.
Also, there is a fear ofjudgment.
Men worry about being perceivedas weak if they express
emotions or seek companionships.
So this fear of judgment.
It causes men to keep other menat bay.
(17:40):
So when we should be comingtogether and feel comfortable
with it, we're not really doingit and it's causing problems.
Also, declining involvement incivic and religious
organizations.
Fewer men are going to churchand I'm not saying church is the
only place where men can formrelationships okay, but civic
relationships, lower marriagerates, remote work since COVID
(18:06):
creates missed opportunities formen to develop friendships with
other men.
And then there's the broco.
It's like an unwritten contractthat says thou shalt not reveal
feelings, men.
You know, a 2016 survey by UK'sthe Movember organization says
(18:26):
that men lack socialconnectedness and that, while we
tend to connect overcommonalities like sports, what
really takes a masculinerelationship to a whole new
level is when we discover thatemotions are strange.
But the brocode says that wesuppress emotions.
(18:48):
But the truth is thatsuppressing emotions doesn't
make you stronger.
It weighs you down Really.
It takes courage and sharingyour struggles as a sign of
resilience.
And, real bro, support eachother Like.
Can we change the brocode tosay that thou shalt not reveal
(19:09):
feelings?
Can we just say we need to menas much as anybody.
We need people to listen, toempathize and to lift one
another up?
We need to rewrite the brocodeto include compassion and I need
to address this.
I think this is the right timeto address this.
(19:31):
The reason why I believe men arenot engaging in real
friendships is because somehowit has been introduced into the
definition.
I don't even know what this isis that men who show emotion to
(19:55):
another man are homosexualthey're gay.
Men who hug other men arehomosexual, they're gay.
So a lot of the softness thatmen used to be able to have with
one another.
Somehow the switch has beenflipped and they think that any
(20:18):
man who is longing for that kindof connection, any man who was
out here hugging another man ortalking about their feelings to
another man there's this homohysteria that being perceived as
gay can hinder male friendships.
So that's why you have theserelationships among men,
(20:41):
heterosexual men, where I'm notgoing to hug you, I'm just going
to tap you up.
I'm not going to cry in frontof you, we're just going to talk
about the game.
I'm not going to talk aboutwhat's really happening beneath
the surface, because for me todo that might uncover some
emotions and I'm uncomfortablerevealing emotions to another
man, because I don't want a manto see me cry.
(21:01):
I don't want a man to see me asweak, because we're men, we
conquer, we're victorious, we'rerocky, we're fight, we're MMA,
we're more power, more power.
We're not.
I'm going to cry in front ofthis guy beside me because nine
times out of 10, the same thingsI'm dealing with he's dealing
(21:24):
with.
But we're going to keep goingin the same direction, parallel
toward one another, but nevermake the emotional reach out,
the connection that will bind us.
In men we need intimatefellowship with other men.
It does not make you gay, itdoes not make you homosexual to
(21:50):
crave connectedness andbelonging with other men.
It's natural and there are somearticles out there that say
that man are suffering afriendship recession, they're
withdrawing.
But if you're out here sayingthat I'm not going to have a
(22:10):
relationship with another manbecause it makes him appear to
be gay.
You need to change the languagein your head.
You need to change your beliefsystems.
You need, you need.
You need a wholesale change inthe way that you think about
what friendships are.
You need to be willing toaccept and admit that you need
(22:32):
more and that more that you needis a vulnerability and a
transparency and a relationshipwith another man and other male
groups that can allow you to beyour authentic self in community
with other men who are theirauthentic selves, because it
helps you to grow and to be abetter man.
There's nothing wrong withhaving a bromance, because if
(22:57):
you're able to be more open andhonest with guys in your lives,
guess what?
It makes you healthier for theother people in your life who
need you.
There's nothing homosexual orsoft or feminine about it.
When we're, when we're boys, youlook at boys, they hug, they
(23:18):
high five.
Sexual psychologist Nairobi uhway did some research that said
that boys want and need to haveintimacy but feel pressured to
withhold vulnerability.
That helps foster friendships.
This means that boy friendshipsfade by late adolescence and it
(23:38):
increases their risk forsuffering mental health problems
and poor physical health.
We need one another Y'all thereare.
There are psychologists who runmen's therapy groups just to
give men a safe space to connect.
But it's the socialization ofour young, of our boys and our
(24:01):
young men that create guys likeme who were looking for the type
of connections that will helpthem to be better.
Because while I talk to my wifeabout everything, sometimes you
just need a guy that you canjust say I'm, I'm sucking right
now.
Life is hard.
(24:22):
Right now it does.
Things don't make sense rightnow, like this whole idea of
what it means to be a man.
I don't know what it meansright now.
I don't know what it looks likeand see.
With girls and women there'sless of an association between
physical affection and sexuality, so they're more open to the
answer and intrapersonalinteractions where they share
(24:45):
secrets and they'll give eachother a kiss on the cheek and
they'll give each other a hugand all these things.
But for guys it's just awkwardand it's because of the
stereotypes of men being thestrong, silent type Yo, I'm
married, I'm going to just grinand bear it, I'm going to just
do it.
But it's stupid and it's dumband that stereotype is doing
(25:09):
more to hinder our gender thananything else that might come
against us, because when youdon't recognize your social and
emotional and psychological andmental needs, you don't
recognize your social needs.
This is where toxic masculinitycomes from.
Part of the male tradition hasbeen to appear to be strong,
(25:32):
which makes you appear, whichmakes you appear to be more
secure, but it also makes youincredibly, incredibly lonely.
And I also want to say thisokay, my wife is one of the best
friends that I have that I'veever had in my life.
But, men, for us to place theburden on our woman to be our
(25:56):
confidant, to be our strength,to be our undergirding, that is
not fair.
For us to put it on the womenin our lives to fill those needs
, that is unfair, is not right,is not right and we've got to
stop it.
We put too many of ouremotional eggs in the basket of
(26:20):
the woman that we're with or thewoman that we're around and
when we feel like they're notmeeting that need.
Sometimes it's where affairscome from, not the physical
affairs, the emotional affairsthat really do the damage.
We've got to stop it.
We have to be aware enough toknow that we need other guys.
(26:42):
We need other guys to want tohang around us, to care about us
to just send a text message yobro, how's your day, how, how?
What kind of support do youneed, homie?
Like, what do you need?
We?
Just guys, if we're going to beintentional about our manhood,
(27:03):
if we're going to be intentionalabout becoming the kind of men
who are change makers, who arecommunity supporters and who are
growing up this next generationof men, they need to see it
modeled before them that it'sokay to have guy friends.
And when it always got to goout for a beer, when it always
got to go to the strip club.
If you go to the strip club, Iguess that's on you.
(27:24):
I don't do what, I've neverdone it.
We don't always have to do themasculine thing.
We can have a book club, we cansit down and have a nice dinner
in a restaurant.
We can go sit in the park andjust you know, just talk and
just be authentically who we are.
(27:45):
We've got to do it.
Men Like we, we, we, we reallyhave to do it and I am calling
on you and I am challenging youto break the stereotype, to
break the chain and to.
(28:06):
I heard it said that men do lifeshoulder to shoulder, while
women do life together, face toface, men.
I'm challenging us to buildface to face friendships.
I'm challenging us to buildface to face friendships.
(28:26):
Side by side works for a time,but face to face lasts for a
lifetime.
It is what creates change, itis what grows us.
Now you may be asking okay, soyou've read, you've read my mail
about needing friendships.
I need them, how, how, how do I, how do I make friends?
(28:46):
You know, making friends as anadult is awkward and it's weird,
but it's necessary.
And if we're going to be men ofintention, we have to commit to
doing the hard thing.
Choose your heart.
Being isolated is hard, buttaking the risk and taking the
(29:11):
chance of making friends is hard.
Choose your heart and I hopethat, as men who are listening
to this conversation, as peoplewho love men who are listening
to this conversation, you, weare challenging ourselves and
you are challenging us to choosethe hard of cultivating and
fostering friendships that aregoing to make a difference.
(29:32):
So how do we do this?
How do we, how do we formfriendships as men?
Let's talk about it Now,remember.
I want to circle back around tothe why in this, because not
having a male friendship, malefriendships, healthy male, male
(29:53):
friendships.
It impacts your soul, yourmental health, man, it causes
problems and we are done placingthe burden on our romantic
relationships to shoulder theload for the friendships that we
should be having with otherguys.
And I see a tight turning.
I really do, I really do, but Ithink we need to do more.
(30:17):
All right, so how are we goingto develop these friendships?
All right, first step is simple.
We're going to start withshared interests, our
commonality, same with anyfriendship.
So maybe it's football, right,maybe it's hockey, maybe it's
trivia, okay, put yourself in aposition with groups where you
(30:39):
have a shared interest, becausethat's the easiest door to walk
through and make it a point tospend, to set regular time aside
to spend with your buddies.
Like, it's easy for me to makeexcuses to not hang out, I'm
going to be honest with you.
It is easy for me to makeexcuses to not hang out.
(31:00):
I've got to be better aboutthat.
Be intentional about hangingout with the fellas, because as
you do that, opportunities willarise for more emotionally
intimate conversations.
Now, once you have thosecommonalities and you are
creating a rhythm of setting apersonal relationship, then
(31:25):
you'll be able to do it withyour friends.
It's a good way to do it.
Otherwise, you'll be happy tosend a message to your friends.
You can get this message bytime for face to face
interaction with other guys orwith another guy, all right.
Now here's where the couragecomes in, because we know that
close men's friendships don'thappen overnight.
(31:46):
We understand that there iswork that has to be done on both
sides In order for a moremeaningful brotherhood, for a
more meaningful male friendshipto form.
We have to get comfortablemoving past the surface level
questions and ask harderquestions.
How do you really feel aboutyour job?
(32:09):
How are things between you andyour girlfriend?
Are you and your wife?
I know you mentioned thatthings aren't going well, like
what's the real issue there?
And I know it's scary.
And it's scary because we areafraid of rejection.
We're afraid that when peopleget a chance to know us like we
(32:31):
know us, they're gonna turn theother way.
But y'all we have to man, wehave to trust somebody.
We have to trust somebodyenough to let them get to know
the real us.
And so, in order for us to dothat, we have to ask questions
(32:51):
that go deeper and take the riskof being vulnerable.
That's the next part.
Toxic social norms say men needto be strong and not show
weakness, but the fact of thematter is there is no strength
without weakness.
It's weakness that pushes us tobecome strong.
The weakness helps us to becomestrong and being vulnerable in
(33:13):
conjunction with men who aretrying to do life authentically
with you.
So we have to be willing toopen up and be honest about
sensitive topics like romanticrelationships, mental health and
self worth.
If you don't feel, if you feellike crap today, tell, find
somebody that you can tellsomebody that I feel like crap.
(33:34):
Why?
Because this and this and thisand this and this.
When you're honest aboutyourself and your feelings, it
makes you stronger and it allowsothers to feel safe, opening up
around you.
And then you've got to maintainthose friendships.
You got to check in during theweek.
Put it in your phone, put it onyour calendar Today I'm
(33:56):
checking in with Ricky.
Today I'm checking in withBrooks.
Today I'm checking in with Tray.
These are people that I checkin with and it doesn't.
Your brain is going to tell youthat if they're not reaching out
back to you weekly, that theydon't value you as a friend.
I need you to shut that thingdown, shut it down, shut it down
(34:21):
, because nine times out of 10,that is honestly not the case.
We have to get into a rhythm ofchecking in on one another, and
it can't we can't get tooconcerned about it being one
sided, unless somebody tells usthat it's one sided or unless
behaviors on the other partconvince us that it is a one
(34:44):
sided thing.
We can't assume, man.
We're talking about growing upand growing deeper by growing
deeper with one another, and sowe have to normalize it.
It's okay for me to check inwith my guys, for me to check in
with my fellas, for me to notallow friendships to go dormant
(35:06):
and to become stale, because thetruth of the matter is we are
people who need people, and it'stime for us to rewrite the
script and to create bonds thatlast a lifetime.
So here's my challenge to youguys.
Here's my challenge to you thisweek I want you to reach out to
(35:31):
someone and I know you're like,oh my gosh, he's asking me to
do what.
I'm challenging you to reachout to someone that you consider
to be a friend, that has thepotential to be a friend, and
just ask them to hang out.
I'm not saying you got to talkabout your feelings.
But if the if it presentsitself, ask some deeper, harder,
(35:54):
probing questions.
Let them get a chance to knowyou, because you are worthy of
being known man.
You were worthy of being seenman.
You were worthy of receivinglove from another guy.
No, it does not make you ahomosexual.
And even if you are gay, sowhat?
We all need friends and wedeserve to be loved, not just by
(36:17):
the women in our lives, but bythe men in our lives.
And the sooner you come togrips with that, the more color
and tone your life will begin totake on.
And are the days of the lonewolf man.
Being an intentional man meanswe recognize that, in order for
(36:39):
us to be at our best, we are atour best in relationship and
community with other men whowere trying to actively do the
same.
So it's time to be about thework, and I challenge you.
I challenge you to be the oneto reach out.
I challenge you to risk thevulnerability and the
transparency and to acknowledgewithin yourself that you need
(37:01):
other men.
And then I challenge you to putit, to put it to work, to put
put the work in and to put whatwe're talking about today in
this episode, put it to use and,over the next three, six months
, to see how your life begins tochange for the better.
We are growing, we're growingup, we are becoming better,
(37:23):
because we deserve it and thepeople in our lives deserve it
as well.
Y'all hear me, do you hear me?
How many of us have friends?
I pray that it's more than onein five as we move forward.
Who are those brothers in yourlife?
Who are they?
(37:44):
How are you reaching out tothem?
How are you cultivating thoserelationships?
Come on, brothers, we got this,we got this, and if you love a
man out there when you knowsomebody that this directly
impacts, I need you to get thisepisode into their hands.
I need you to get it into theirhands and because and I need
(38:07):
you to challenge them to bebetter in this area, to be more
self-aware and to be more aboutthe business of fostering and
building an authentic communityof brothers that's gonna help us
all become better.
All right, that's it.
That's episode 28 of season twoof the Pep Talk podcast.
(38:30):
We have been talking about menand friends, men and friends,
and my belief is that, as aresult of this conversation, our
friendships are gonna improve.
They're gonna be better becausethey have to be.
Our mental health has to getbetter, our sense of self-worth
(38:51):
has to get better, ourcommunities have to get better,
we have to unify and we have togrow one another.
All right, all right.
So I wanna hear from you what doyou think about this topic.
What do you think?
What did I miss?
Did I miss something in thereason why we don't have better
men friendships?
Did I miss a solution?
Send me an email atthepepppodcast at gmailcom.
(39:15):
Hit me up at underscore.
Jb speaks on Instagram.
I wanna hear from you, I wannaknow what you think.
What do you think about men andfriendships, the state of them
and how we get them better?
If there's advice that you haveto share, give it to me.
I'll share it out next week'sepisode, because we have to get
(39:35):
better.
We just do, we just do.
We notice.
I said we, we just do.
All right, so, yo, this hasbeen our episode for this week
and I pray that your week isamazing.
I pray that your relationshipsbegin to grow.
I pray that your communities,our communities, begin to mature
(39:59):
and to get better and to getdeeper, because we deserve it,
man.
You deserve it.
We are being intentional men.
We are choosing to beintentional about our manhood.
So y'all know how we end everyepisode right Keep it love, keep
it light and keep it happy.
We'll see you next week on theepisode 29 of the Peptalk
(40:20):
Podcast.
I've been your host, coach Jay,a live coach in Dallas, Texas.
I'll see you next week.
Y'all be blessed, peace.
I'll see you next week.
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