May 15, 2024 • 23 mins
Have you ever wondered if you're the kind of person you'd want to date? This thought-provoking question launched me on a transformative journey that reshaped not only my relationships but my entire approach to life. Join me as I share intimate details from my own struggle with insecurities and the dangerous game of seeking approval from others. I'll walk you through the 'date for one' checklist—a strategic guide to foster a healthier relationship with yourself—essential for anyone on the road to self-discovery and personal growth.
This episode isn't just about asking hard-hitting questions; it's about facing the answers with courage. We dissect the significance of self-validation in all walks of life—from personal relationships to career ambitions. I get real about the power of journaling, a practice that's revolutionized my perspective, and the critical importance of self-care in maintaining one's best self. Tune in for unfiltered conversation and actionable advice that could help you become not just a potential partner's dream, but your own best companion.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Would you date you?
Powerful question I was askedwhen I was being broken up with,
and one that has actually mademe into the man that I am today,
and it's something that, 12years later, I've only just
appreciated.
That question, before we diveinto today's episode.
I want to thank you guys forlast week's episode.
(00:21):
If you haven't checked it outon YouTube, it did really bloody
well, and I don't know whetherit was because of the content I
would assume it is, but I wasalso at my buddy's lake house
and just recording it out therewith nature, so that could have
been it as well.
Could have grabbed a fewpeople's attention.
But nonetheless, regardless ofwhat platform you're listening
on, if you could take a quicksecond to hit the subscribe
(00:42):
button, it really helps me growthe show, get episodes like this
and the incredible guests thatwe have on the show to be able
to be heard by more men allaround the world who need
messages like this to improvetheir own life.
Now let's dive into it.
I'm not going to lie.
This is my second take of thisepisode.
I just recorded it.
I was over there getting readyto upload it to the newsletter
(01:04):
and the sound wasn't on.
That could have really pissedme off, but for some reason it
didn't, and I'll talk about moreof that in this episode.
But what I know you'll walk awaywith from this episode is I
want to give some examples, somebenefits and my date for one
checklist that will help youimprove your relationship with
(01:25):
yourself and live a better life.
You see, the problem that a lotof men face is we are insecure,
we don't feel worthy and wedon't really have an idea of who
we are.
We don't have a goodrelationship with ourself and
for a long time this keptrearing its head in my life.
I still remember 12 years agowhen I got that text message
(01:47):
from my ex and she sent me themessage.
I was on the job site.
I was a builder at the time.
She sent me a message and I'velooked at it and it says where
did you stay on Saturday night?
As soon as I read that, my heartrate elevated, the hairs on my
arms stood up and I just startedgoing into overwhelm, like this
(02:08):
panic state of thinking ofexcuses, because I knew full
well where I was that Saturdaynight and I knew I shouldn't
have fucking been there and Iwent into that panic mode.
That was like I need to save myrelationship at all costs, okay
, and the problem with that is Iwasn't worried about how I'd
(02:29):
hurt her, I was worried aboutlosing something and I was
worried about how I was hurtingin that moment, which is a very
selfish thing.
And as the dust settled, thatquestion she said to me was
would you date you Like with howI've treated her?
Would you date you like withhow I've treated her?
Would you date you?
Would you expect you to hangaround?
And I want to frame why I'musing at as would you date you
(02:53):
as opposed to would you be yourbest friend, because both are
great questions and bothprobably lead to a similar
outcome.
I believe the person that youend up dating or marrying or
spending a life with knows youbetter than anyone apart from
yourself.
They spend more time with you.
They see you behind the doorswhen no one's watching.
They hear your challenges, yourfears, your excitements, okay.
(03:17):
So they get a goodunderstanding of you as an
individual.
And that's why I chose to saywould you date you?
Because it's a similar processto go through to really build
that relationship with self.
The big problem that I wasfacing in that time, once the
dust settled and I started toreflect upon things and this is
once again when I'm talkingabout this.
(03:37):
It may seem like this happenedovernight.
It definitely didn't.
I've been working at this sincearound 2013, 2014, so coming up
10 years, and I'm still justmaking sense of some of these
things.
Like I said, this question Iwas asked 12 years ago and I've
only really thought about itrecently, so it didn't happen
(03:59):
overnight.
Don't expect this to happenovernight for you and don't be
overwhelmed by that.
Be patient and understand.
The goal is to live a betterlife.
It's to be a better man.
So, once the dust settled, Istarted thinking about that.
Would you date you?
It brought up a lot of stuffbecause for so long I'd been
(04:20):
passing blame.
I never wanted to takeresponsibility.
I'd put my head in the sand,and this wasn't just in intimate
relationships.
This was with friends on sportsteams.
I just couldn't deal with theresponsibility.
I wanted the recognition, Iwanted the validation, but as
soon as things didn't go to planor I fucked up, I didn't want
to carry that responsibility.
(04:40):
My biggest belief is, as a man,we need to be able to carry
both.
If you want the success, if youwant the recognition, you
better bloody well be preparedto take on the hardships, the
stress, the criticism, thefailures.
Okay, and own your mistakeswhen they happen, because they
will happen.
So once I started thinking aboutthis a little bit more and I
(05:03):
started breaking it down, thebiggest problem was that I was
always seeking things outside ofmyself.
The validation was from otherpeople, not from myself.
The pats on the back needed tobe from other people, not from
myself.
I needed to be told by otherpeople that they loved me, not
that I loved myself.
(05:23):
Everything was external and theproblem with chasing external
things is you don't have controlover that.
You can't just wait for peopleto validate you and praise you.
And I noticed there was a bigtransition.
When I was at school and I wasdoing well at sport, I got it a
bit more regularly, but as Imoved on to the next phase of my
(05:43):
life life and I guess myperceived success wasn't as big
I wasn't getting it as much andthat really destroyed me to a
point, because that's what Ifelt made me worthy.
When people were patting me onthe back, I felt worthy and as
that time sort of started toincrease between the moments
(06:03):
that I got validated.
I was constantly searching,which is why I believe I cheated
, which is why I believed, orbelieve I lied, because I was
trying to get validation inquick moments, couldn't
experience delayed gratification.
I couldn't put in the effort,so to speak.
(06:23):
And a lot of men are doing thisin their life now and it's a big
issue because it's causingissues in marriages, it's
causing issues in their careers,it's causing issues with their
health, because we want to bevalidated now.
No one wants to go to the gymas the overweight guy who can't
lift much, but that may be astarting point for some people
in the place that they have tostart to get to where they want
to get to.
Some people might be in a shitmarriage and they either got to
(06:47):
walk away from it or they needto start investing in the
relationship to get it to wherethey want to be.
No one wants to admit thatthey're in that situation, but
that is a situation you need toown in order to move through it.
Okay and same with yourfinances.
None of this can be done unlessyou have a good relationship
with yourself, and that was whatI was realizing.
I was trying to get theexternal to make me feel better
(07:12):
internally, and I was trying tobuild relationships with people
that were better than therelationship that I have with
myself, and that is why theykept failing, because you can
only wear a mask for so longbefore you get exposed, and what
that proved to me was that Ineeded to start working on this
relationship with myself.
I needed to start thinkingabout hey, if at the moment, I'm
(07:36):
always waiting on other peopleto validate me, what would it
look like if I approved myself?
If I went back to that initialquestion, would I date me?
Who would the man be that Iwould date?
I'm not saying I'd date a man,you know what I mean, but who
would be your best mate, right?
What would that look like?
What would be the character,traits, the values, the beliefs,
(08:00):
the way that you show up?
That's what and how you buildout that, and it's something
that we do in our self-discoveryprogram, which you've heard me
speaking about a lot recently,and at the moment it's $27 US,
it's about to go up and it'sabout to be an online cohort as
well, which would be really cool, but that's maybe five months
down the track, but within that,we started the most important
(08:22):
part, which is the awarenessphase right, being aware of what
you want from your life.
You know you will have to goback and think about, almost
sketch your timeline out whatare the negative experiences
that you've had, what are thepositive experiences, and build
out on that.
But I'm not going to dive intothat just yet because we will
talk about that on the date forone checklist, which is
(08:42):
something that you can use andyou can find this over at
themanditcanprojectcom Go to thenewsletters, go to the Would
you Date you newsletter and it'sgoing to be written out there
so you can go through that.
But with that, we want you tostart understanding that if you
aren't self-aware, if youhaven't built a good
relationship with yourself,you're never going to have
(09:07):
personal standards, you're nevergoing to set boundaries in your
relationships and yourrelationships will never thrive.
You'll skip from surface levelrelationship to surface level
relationship, always avoidingthe depth that most
relationships require to besuccessful.
So if you're seeking validationfrom your friends, from your
family, from your partner oreven husband or wife, that's
only going to get you so far.
(09:28):
And I realized that, and Irecognized that that I was
extremely insecure, I did notfeel worthy and I was always
trying to validate myself, evenif that meant that I was going
to be the loosest guy partying,right.
I didn't like partying Well, Idid actually, that's a lie but I
didn't enjoy it as I got older.
But because people said, yeah,he's a dude doing the shots or
(09:51):
scaling the beers, that gave mewhat I was looking for, but I
didn't recognize that the waythat I was getting it wasn't
benefiting my life.
It was detrimental to my life,and that's a big thing.
That I feel is very importantto establish is we all have
wants, needs and desires, andyou can fulfill them in a
positive manner or you can fillthem in a negative manner, and
(10:13):
you need to be aware of that,and that's where this
self-awareness comes through.
This is where this checklist fordate for one becomes very
powerful, because you becomeaware of these things.
When you're more aware, youwill make better decisions, you
will succeed more, you will havemore enriched relationships and
you will live a better life.
I can promise you.
I'm living proof of that.
(10:33):
So the goal of this process isto help you become your own best
mate, or be the man that youwould date right, the version of
yourself that you would want alady to date or a man to date,
and in order to do that, we needto get clear on what that
actually looks like.
We need to set goals, we needto develop skills,
characteristics, maybe changebeliefs.
(10:55):
So the process is this and thedate for one checklist is this
Number one get to know yourself.
As I said, it's like write downall of your interests, write
down your experiences from life,write down what you're curious
about, Write down what yourfears are or your stresses are,
(11:16):
write down what you want toexperience in life that you
haven't yet.
When you start doing this andthe reason why I say write is I
believe the best way to get toknow yourself is to write.
If you think about how arelationship with a person,
another person you can speak,you can go for coffees, you can
hit a gym session, go for a runright Create experiences, and
(11:37):
the cool thing about that isyou're always getting feedback
from the other person.
You can read their bodylanguage and the way that they
communicate with the words.
Whether they're payingattention gives you feedback.
If you're like me, if I were tohave a conversation with myself
in my head, man, it's absolutechaos.
So that's where writing it downbecomes a much more clear and
(11:58):
probably fucking stable way forme to do that right.
When I'm writing down, I canmake sense of it, I can process
it, I can file it away, I can doall of those sorts of things.
So definitely get to knowyourself.
The best way I've found isjournaling.
I can file it away, I can doall of those sorts of things.
So definitely get to knowyourself.
The best way I've found isjournaling.
I have been doing it for thelast probably six years.
I've got tons of journals thatI can reflect over and it's a
hugely beneficial thing,something that if you're, I
(12:21):
guess, struggling with how to dothat, go get started in that
self-discovery program.
I promise you it'll walk youthrough it and really help you
get a lot of value from that andbecome, or build a better
relationship with yourself.
The second one make time foryourself.
Like relationships, you need tomake time for the relationship.
You need to make time foryourself, right?
(12:43):
I believe you need to do itevery day.
It doesn't need to be hoursupon hours.
You know people say but I'malways with myself.
Yeah, you are, but you're alsoalways distracting yourself,
whether it's by smartphoneconversations with others, etc.
So for myself, I like to do itin the morning because I know
that the day, can you know, turnto shit and if I don't get that
(13:05):
time for myself, you myself.
It's something that I value andsomething that I believe I need
to be the best version ofmyself to build my best quality
of life.
So if you don't believe that,then you probably won't do it.
And it goes back to that firstpoint around get to know
yourself.
You may need to change somebeliefs.
I believe that it makes me abetter man.
So some mornings I'll sit outon the balcony here and just
(13:26):
drink my coffee and I'll have apodcast in, or I'll read or I'll
listen to some music.
Other times I'll just have mycoffee and just look out and see
what's happening and watch thesunrise.
Right, there's no method to it,but it's just like what would
you like to do with your friendsor what would you like to do
with yourself, right?
That moves into point three,which is embrace new experiences
.
(13:48):
I believe one of the best thingsabout life is experiencing
things for the first time.
As we get older, as we havemore life experience, it's
harder to come by those things,but I believe that is only
because we tend to stick toroutine.
We tend to gravitate to what weknow.
Not many people like change aswe get older.
If you can be mindful that, hey, new experiences bring
(14:09):
curiosity, it brings emotionsthat are great for you.
It brings dopamine hits you'regoing to learn things that you
don't like, things that you wantto explore more in and it
brings this richness to lifethat a lot of people lose.
So, whether you choose to do itmonthly, I do it monthly
personally and, once again, mylife is different to potentially
(14:30):
how yours is set up.
You may be in a differentseason where you have children,
or you may be younger and you'retrying to figure a few things
out.
I'm in a season where mybusiness is going well, I'm
living overseas, I don't havechildren yet, so I can set my
life up in a way that works forme in this moment, with the
frameworks that I can give you,or even just thinking about new
(14:51):
experiences.
Adapt it to your life.
That's going to be how it'sgoing to be most effective.
So for me, I'm either trying tohave a new experience every
month or have a new activitywith someone that I've never met
before.
Both sort of give me that samefeedback.
I know some people do itquarterly.
Both sort of give me that samefeedback.
I know some people do itquarterly, bi-monthly, some
(15:16):
people don't do it at all.
I would highly encourage you,at worst, to do it every quarter
.
You'll get that same experience, that same dopamine hit.
You'll continue learning moreabout yourself and you'll be
able to start piecingexperiences together and reflect
on the values of it, takelearnings, etc.
It's just going to make you alot more self-aware because you
have to be present in newexperiences, whereas habits and
routines you sort of stopthinking and you're just on
(15:37):
bloody autopilot.
So that's number three embracenew experiences.
Number four practice positiveself-talk.
This one probably doesn't needexplaining, but you wouldn't
talk poorly to a mate.
They wouldn't be mates with youfor too long.
We seem to talk terribly toourselves and continue to show
up.
It's wild.
What I've recognized is Icannot always control my first
(15:57):
thought, but I can control mysecond thought and if in the
beginning you find it hard whichI know I did I remember my
coach at the time, maybe 10years years or eight, nine years
ago, and you need to speak toyourself that I was so negative.
I was like dude, I don'tbelieve it and I just find it
really hard.
And he said to me any change instandards personal standards is
(16:23):
challenging will be met withresistance.
So if you're struggling to doit, you need to push through the
resistance to build a newstandard.
A standard is going to changewhat you accept in your life and
if you continue to accept crap,you'll have a crap life.
But if you choose to have astandard where you accept only
good things, you will have agood life or a great life.
(16:44):
So think about that with thatpositive self-talk Once again.
I listen to positive content.
I hang around people whochallenge me but also empower me
and do give me validation and Ivalidate myself.
I am grateful when I do anepisode.
I am grateful when I get off acall with a client.
I am grateful when I go for arun, when I spend time with my
(17:05):
wife.
I appreciate that about myself,that I do that, and I pat
myself on the back because Iknow a lot of blokes aren't
doing that and I feel good thatI'm doing the things.
That I believe is for the bestversion of myself and gonna make
me a great husband andeverything else that I do.
So think about that.
Number five is define who youwant to become.
(17:26):
Read last week's newsletter orlisten to last week's podcast we
dive more into that but whenyou define who you want to
become, once again it's going tohelp you with, I guess, getting
to know yourself and yourfuture self.
Right, there will be thingsthat you will pop up when you
are getting to know yourselfthat maybe you want to change
whether it's beliefs, habits,relationships and defining who
(17:47):
you want to change whether it'sbeliefs, habits, relationships
and defining who you want tobecome will help you make better
decisions and really highlightwhat skills you need to learn,
what environments you need to behanging around in, what habits
you need to develop, and that'swhy that is so powerful.
Number six allow yourself to beseen.
One of the most common thingsthat I experience when I'm
(18:07):
speaking to blokes whetherthey're coming to me because
their relationship or theirmarriage is struggling, they're
overweight or they don't haveenough money is they don't feel
valued and they don't feel heardor understood, and I know from
my own experience and fromworking with a lot of men that
(18:27):
most people will never feelvalued, understood or heard,
because they don't allowthemselves to be valued,
understood or heard, aka, theydon't allow their true self to
be seen.
They are so frightened thatthey're not good enough.
They are so frightened thatthey're not good enough, and if
you resonate with that, I didand I still go through bouts of
(18:51):
that.
But if I wanted to be acceptedand heard by my wife or by my
mates, I have to allow them toget to know me.
I had to be vulnerable, I hadto stop being sitting on the
surface and I had to go deepwith those relationships, and
you're the only person who canallow that to happen.
Once again, it's something thatyou need to develop and I had
to go deep with thoserelationships, and you're the
only person who can allow thatto happen.
Once again, it's something thatyou need to develop through
conversation, communication,being put in a right environment
(19:13):
.
It's why our men's circles wereso powerful.
It's why our Strong Men ofValue Academy is so powerful,
because the environment is setup to help men develop in that
way.
And once again, going back tothat program, we can help you
get clear on the self-awareness,the planning, and then the next
phase of that will be like okay, what environment do you need
(19:34):
to be in order to achieve that?
And for the right people whoget accepted, they are welcome
to join the Strong Men of ValueAcademy.
Now I wanna recap the date forone checklist.
So, one, get to know yourself.
Two, make time for yourself.
Three, embrace new experiences.
Four, practice positiveself-talk.
Five, define who you want tobecome.
(19:56):
And six, allow yourself to beseen.
The benefits you're going toexperience as a result of that
is improved self-worth, right.
So it's going to help you withyour decision-making and so many
things in your life, from whatgoals you want to set, what you
want to have on your bucket listand, once again, all of these
things.
I just want to keep recappingit because I am so proud of the
program that I've built.
(20:17):
We help you with all of that.
You literally follow through.
There's no order to go throughit, but if you do that, you're
going to be on top of all ofthat stuff.
Right, you're going to know whatyour next goals are, what you
want to be doing for yourembracing new experience pieces.
Make sure you check that out.
But as a result of getting toknow yourself better and working
on those things.
Your self-esteem and yourrelationship with yourself will
(20:38):
improve, which will have apositive ripple effect into the
areas of your life that matter,so your marriage or your
relationships, the mates thatyou hang around with your work
colleagues and with yourself.
You're going to wake up soproud of who you are, and when
you're proud of who you are, youtake more pride in what you do,
meaning you get better results.
People who are lazy with thingsand don't take pride in what
(21:01):
they do, they don't have enoughself-respect to do that properly
.
That's why this work is soimportant.
Finally, your overall mentaland physical well-being is going
to improve.
When you love someone, you givemore to it.
You foster a more healthyenvironment, and that's what
you're going to be able to do asa man the benefit of you being
your best self and making betterdecisions and building a better
(21:24):
life.
The people that you care aboutmost will get to benefit from
that.
My name's Lachlan Stewart.
Thank you for listening.
I do ask one thing of youbefore you wrap up If you got
value from this episode, pleaseshare it and please be part of
the mission to help more menimprove their quality of life by
building a better relationshipwith themselves.
(21:45):
I know that if you can do that,the quality of life is going to
improve for so many men, andyou guys are going to help me on
this mission.
Finally, make sure you hitsubscribe with whatever platform
you're listening on, and I willsee you next week.
As always, do something todayto be better for tomorrow.
Would you date you?
Powerful question I was askedwhen I was being broken up with,
and one that has actually mademe into the man that I am today,
and it's something that, 12years later, I've only just
appreciated.
That question, before we diveinto today's episode.
I want to thank you guys forlast week's episode.
(00:21):
If you haven't checked it outon YouTube, it did really bloody
well, and I don't know whetherit was because of the content I
would assume it is, but I wasalso at my buddy's lake house
and just recording it out therewith nature, so that could have
been it as well.
Could have grabbed a fewpeople's attention.
But nonetheless, regardless ofwhat platform you're listening
on, if you could take a quicksecond to hit the subscribe
(00:42):
button, it really helps me growthe show, get episodes like this
and the incredible guests thatwe have on the show to be able
to be heard by more men allaround the world who need
messages like this to improvetheir own life.
Now let's dive into it.
I'm not going to lie.
This is my second take of thisepisode.
I just recorded it.
I was over there getting readyto upload it to the newsletter
(01:04):
and the sound wasn't on.
That could have really pissedme off, but for some reason it
didn't, and I'll talk about moreof that in this episode.
But what I know you'll walk awaywith from this episode is I
want to give some examples, somebenefits and my date for one
checklist that will help youimprove your relationship with
(01:25):
yourself and live a better life.
You see, the problem that a lotof men face is we are insecure,
we don't feel worthy and wedon't really have an idea of who
we are.
We don't have a goodrelationship with ourself and
for a long time this keptrearing its head in my life.
I still remember 12 years agowhen I got that text message
(01:47):
from my ex and she sent me themessage.
I was on the job site.
I was a builder at the time.
She sent me a message and I'velooked at it and it says where
did you stay on Saturday night?
As soon as I read that, my heartrate elevated, the hairs on my
arms stood up and I just startedgoing into overwhelm, like this
(02:08):
panic state of thinking ofexcuses, because I knew full
well where I was that Saturdaynight and I knew I shouldn't
have fucking been there and Iwent into that panic mode.
That was like I need to save myrelationship at all costs, okay
, and the problem with that is Iwasn't worried about how I'd
(02:29):
hurt her, I was worried aboutlosing something and I was
worried about how I was hurtingin that moment, which is a very
selfish thing.
And as the dust settled, thatquestion she said to me was
would you date you Like with howI've treated her?
Would you date you like withhow I've treated her?
Would you date you?
Would you expect you to hangaround?
And I want to frame why I'musing at as would you date you
(02:53):
as opposed to would you be yourbest friend, because both are
great questions and bothprobably lead to a similar
outcome.
I believe the person that youend up dating or marrying or
spending a life with knows youbetter than anyone apart from
yourself.
They spend more time with you.
They see you behind the doorswhen no one's watching.
They hear your challenges, yourfears, your excitements, okay.
(03:17):
So they get a goodunderstanding of you as an
individual.
And that's why I chose to saywould you date you?
Because it's a similar processto go through to really build
that relationship with self.
The big problem that I wasfacing in that time, once the
dust settled and I started toreflect upon things and this is
once again when I'm talkingabout this.
(03:37):
It may seem like this happenedovernight.
It definitely didn't.
I've been working at this sincearound 2013, 2014, so coming up
10 years, and I'm still justmaking sense of some of these
things.
Like I said, this question Iwas asked 12 years ago and I've
only really thought about itrecently, so it didn't happen
(03:59):
overnight.
Don't expect this to happenovernight for you and don't be
overwhelmed by that.
Be patient and understand.
The goal is to live a betterlife.
It's to be a better man.
So, once the dust settled, Istarted thinking about that.
Would you date you?
It brought up a lot of stuffbecause for so long I'd been
(04:20):
passing blame.
I never wanted to takeresponsibility.
I'd put my head in the sand,and this wasn't just in intimate
relationships.
This was with friends on sportsteams.
I just couldn't deal with theresponsibility.
I wanted the recognition, Iwanted the validation, but as
soon as things didn't go to planor I fucked up, I didn't want
to carry that responsibility.
(04:40):
My biggest belief is, as a man,we need to be able to carry
both.
If you want the success, if youwant the recognition, you
better bloody well be preparedto take on the hardships, the
stress, the criticism, thefailures.
Okay, and own your mistakeswhen they happen, because they
will happen.
So once I started thinking aboutthis a little bit more and I
(05:03):
started breaking it down, thebiggest problem was that I was
always seeking things outside ofmyself.
The validation was from otherpeople, not from myself.
The pats on the back needed tobe from other people, not from
myself.
I needed to be told by otherpeople that they loved me, not
that I loved myself.
(05:23):
Everything was external and theproblem with chasing external
things is you don't have controlover that.
You can't just wait for peopleto validate you and praise you.
And I noticed there was a bigtransition.
When I was at school and I wasdoing well at sport, I got it a
bit more regularly, but as Imoved on to the next phase of my
(05:43):
life life and I guess myperceived success wasn't as big
I wasn't getting it as much andthat really destroyed me to a
point, because that's what Ifelt made me worthy.
When people were patting me onthe back, I felt worthy and as
that time sort of started toincrease between the moments
(06:03):
that I got validated.
I was constantly searching,which is why I believe I cheated
, which is why I believed, orbelieve I lied, because I was
trying to get validation inquick moments, couldn't
experience delayed gratification.
I couldn't put in the effort,so to speak.
(06:23):
And a lot of men are doing thisin their life now and it's a big
issue because it's causingissues in marriages, it's
causing issues in their careers,it's causing issues with their
health, because we want to bevalidated now.
No one wants to go to the gymas the overweight guy who can't
lift much, but that may be astarting point for some people
in the place that they have tostart to get to where they want
to get to.
Some people might be in a shitmarriage and they either got to
(06:47):
walk away from it or they needto start investing in the
relationship to get it to wherethey want to be.
No one wants to admit thatthey're in that situation, but
that is a situation you need toown in order to move through it.
Okay and same with yourfinances.
None of this can be done unlessyou have a good relationship
with yourself, and that was whatI was realizing.
I was trying to get theexternal to make me feel better
(07:12):
internally, and I was trying tobuild relationships with people
that were better than therelationship that I have with
myself, and that is why theykept failing, because you can
only wear a mask for so longbefore you get exposed, and what
that proved to me was that Ineeded to start working on this
relationship with myself.
I needed to start thinkingabout hey, if at the moment, I'm
(07:36):
always waiting on other peopleto validate me, what would it
look like if I approved myself?
If I went back to that initialquestion, would I date me?
Who would the man be that Iwould date?
I'm not saying I'd date a man,you know what I mean, but who
would be your best mate, right?
What would that look like?
What would be the character,traits, the values, the beliefs,
(08:00):
the way that you show up?
That's what and how you buildout that, and it's something
that we do in our self-discoveryprogram, which you've heard me
speaking about a lot recently,and at the moment it's $27 US,
it's about to go up and it'sabout to be an online cohort as
well, which would be really cool, but that's maybe five months
down the track, but within that,we started the most important
(08:22):
part, which is the awarenessphase right, being aware of what
you want from your life.
You know you will have to goback and think about, almost
sketch your timeline out whatare the negative experiences
that you've had, what are thepositive experiences, and build
out on that.
But I'm not going to dive intothat just yet because we will
talk about that on the date forone checklist, which is
(08:42):
something that you can use andyou can find this over at
themanditcanprojectcom Go to thenewsletters, go to the Would
you Date you newsletter and it'sgoing to be written out there
so you can go through that.
But with that, we want you tostart understanding that if you
aren't self-aware, if youhaven't built a good
relationship with yourself,you're never going to have
(09:07):
personal standards, you're nevergoing to set boundaries in your
relationships and yourrelationships will never thrive.
You'll skip from surface levelrelationship to surface level
relationship, always avoidingthe depth that most
relationships require to besuccessful.
So if you're seeking validationfrom your friends, from your
family, from your partner oreven husband or wife, that's
only going to get you so far.
(09:28):
And I realized that, and Irecognized that that I was
extremely insecure, I did notfeel worthy and I was always
trying to validate myself, evenif that meant that I was going
to be the loosest guy partying,right.
I didn't like partying Well, Idid actually, that's a lie but I
didn't enjoy it as I got older.
But because people said, yeah,he's a dude doing the shots or
(09:51):
scaling the beers, that gave mewhat I was looking for, but I
didn't recognize that the waythat I was getting it wasn't
benefiting my life.
It was detrimental to my life,and that's a big thing.
That I feel is very importantto establish is we all have
wants, needs and desires, andyou can fulfill them in a
positive manner or you can fillthem in a negative manner, and
(10:13):
you need to be aware of that,and that's where this
self-awareness comes through.
This is where this checklist fordate for one becomes very
powerful, because you becomeaware of these things.
When you're more aware, youwill make better decisions, you
will succeed more, you will havemore enriched relationships and
you will live a better life.
I can promise you.
I'm living proof of that.
(10:33):
So the goal of this process isto help you become your own best
mate, or be the man that youwould date right, the version of
yourself that you would want alady to date or a man to date,
and in order to do that, we needto get clear on what that
actually looks like.
We need to set goals, we needto develop skills,
characteristics, maybe changebeliefs.
(10:55):
So the process is this and thedate for one checklist is this
Number one get to know yourself.
As I said, it's like write downall of your interests, write
down your experiences from life,write down what you're curious
about, Write down what yourfears are or your stresses are,
(11:16):
write down what you want toexperience in life that you
haven't yet.
When you start doing this andthe reason why I say write is I
believe the best way to get toknow yourself is to write.
If you think about how arelationship with a person,
another person you can speak,you can go for coffees, you can
hit a gym session, go for a runright Create experiences, and
(11:37):
the cool thing about that isyou're always getting feedback
from the other person.
You can read their bodylanguage and the way that they
communicate with the words.
Whether they're payingattention gives you feedback.
If you're like me, if I were tohave a conversation with myself
in my head, man, it's absolutechaos.
So that's where writing it downbecomes a much more clear and
(11:58):
probably fucking stable way forme to do that right.
When I'm writing down, I canmake sense of it, I can process
it, I can file it away, I can doall of those sorts of things.
So definitely get to knowyourself.
The best way I've found isjournaling.
I can file it away, I can doall of those sorts of things.
So definitely get to knowyourself.
The best way I've found isjournaling.
I have been doing it for thelast probably six years.
I've got tons of journals thatI can reflect over and it's a
hugely beneficial thing,something that if you're, I
(12:21):
guess, struggling with how to dothat, go get started in that
self-discovery program.
I promise you it'll walk youthrough it and really help you
get a lot of value from that andbecome, or build a better
relationship with yourself.
The second one make time foryourself.
Like relationships, you need tomake time for the relationship.
You need to make time foryourself, right?
(12:43):
I believe you need to do itevery day.
It doesn't need to be hoursupon hours.
You know people say but I'malways with myself.
Yeah, you are, but you're alsoalways distracting yourself,
whether it's by smartphoneconversations with others, etc.
So for myself, I like to do itin the morning because I know
that the day, can you know, turnto shit and if I don't get that
(13:05):
time for myself, you myself.
It's something that I value andsomething that I believe I need
to be the best version ofmyself to build my best quality
of life.
So if you don't believe that,then you probably won't do it.
And it goes back to that firstpoint around get to know
yourself.
You may need to change somebeliefs.
I believe that it makes me abetter man.
So some mornings I'll sit outon the balcony here and just
(13:26):
drink my coffee and I'll have apodcast in, or I'll read or I'll
listen to some music.
Other times I'll just have mycoffee and just look out and see
what's happening and watch thesunrise.
Right, there's no method to it,but it's just like what would
you like to do with your friendsor what would you like to do
with yourself, right?
That moves into point three,which is embrace new experiences
.
(13:48):
I believe one of the best thingsabout life is experiencing
things for the first time.
As we get older, as we havemore life experience, it's
harder to come by those things,but I believe that is only
because we tend to stick toroutine.
We tend to gravitate to what weknow.
Not many people like change aswe get older.
If you can be mindful that, hey, new experiences bring
(14:09):
curiosity, it brings emotionsthat are great for you.
It brings dopamine hits you'regoing to learn things that you
don't like, things that you wantto explore more in and it
brings this richness to lifethat a lot of people lose.
So, whether you choose to do itmonthly, I do it monthly
personally and, once again, mylife is different to potentially
(14:30):
how yours is set up.
You may be in a differentseason where you have children,
or you may be younger and you'retrying to figure a few things
out.
I'm in a season where mybusiness is going well, I'm
living overseas, I don't havechildren yet, so I can set my
life up in a way that works forme in this moment, with the
frameworks that I can give you,or even just thinking about new
(14:51):
experiences.
Adapt it to your life.
That's going to be how it'sgoing to be most effective.
So for me, I'm either trying tohave a new experience every
month or have a new activitywith someone that I've never met
before.
Both sort of give me that samefeedback.
I know some people do itquarterly.
Both sort of give me that samefeedback.
I know some people do itquarterly, bi-monthly, some
(15:16):
people don't do it at all.
I would highly encourage you,at worst, to do it every quarter
.
You'll get that same experience, that same dopamine hit.
You'll continue learning moreabout yourself and you'll be
able to start piecingexperiences together and reflect
on the values of it, takelearnings, etc.
It's just going to make you alot more self-aware because you
have to be present in newexperiences, whereas habits and
routines you sort of stopthinking and you're just on
(15:37):
bloody autopilot.
So that's number three embracenew experiences.
Number four practice positiveself-talk.
This one probably doesn't needexplaining, but you wouldn't
talk poorly to a mate.
They wouldn't be mates with youfor too long.
We seem to talk terribly toourselves and continue to show
up.
It's wild.
What I've recognized is Icannot always control my first
(15:57):
thought, but I can control mysecond thought and if in the
beginning you find it hard whichI know I did I remember my
coach at the time, maybe 10years years or eight, nine years
ago, and you need to speak toyourself that I was so negative.
I was like dude, I don'tbelieve it and I just find it
really hard.
And he said to me any change instandards personal standards is
(16:23):
challenging will be met withresistance.
So if you're struggling to doit, you need to push through the
resistance to build a newstandard.
A standard is going to changewhat you accept in your life and
if you continue to accept crap,you'll have a crap life.
But if you choose to have astandard where you accept only
good things, you will have agood life or a great life.
(16:44):
So think about that with thatpositive self-talk Once again.
I listen to positive content.
I hang around people whochallenge me but also empower me
and do give me validation and Ivalidate myself.
I am grateful when I do anepisode.
I am grateful when I get off acall with a client.
I am grateful when I go for arun, when I spend time with my
(17:05):
wife.
I appreciate that about myself,that I do that, and I pat
myself on the back because Iknow a lot of blokes aren't
doing that and I feel good thatI'm doing the things.
That I believe is for the bestversion of myself and gonna make
me a great husband andeverything else that I do.
So think about that.
Number five is define who youwant to become.
(17:26):
Read last week's newsletter orlisten to last week's podcast we
dive more into that but whenyou define who you want to
become, once again it's going tohelp you with, I guess, getting
to know yourself and yourfuture self.
Right, there will be thingsthat you will pop up when you
are getting to know yourselfthat maybe you want to change
whether it's beliefs, habits,relationships and defining who
(17:47):
you want to change whether it'sbeliefs, habits, relationships
and defining who you want tobecome will help you make better
decisions and really highlightwhat skills you need to learn,
what environments you need to behanging around in, what habits
you need to develop, and that'swhy that is so powerful.
Number six allow yourself to beseen.
One of the most common thingsthat I experience when I'm
(18:07):
speaking to blokes whetherthey're coming to me because
their relationship or theirmarriage is struggling, they're
overweight or they don't haveenough money is they don't feel
valued and they don't feel heardor understood, and I know from
my own experience and fromworking with a lot of men that
(18:27):
most people will never feelvalued, understood or heard,
because they don't allowthemselves to be valued,
understood or heard, aka, theydon't allow their true self to
be seen.
They are so frightened thatthey're not good enough.
They are so frightened thatthey're not good enough, and if
you resonate with that, I didand I still go through bouts of
(18:51):
that.
But if I wanted to be acceptedand heard by my wife or by my
mates, I have to allow them toget to know me.
I had to be vulnerable, I hadto stop being sitting on the
surface and I had to go deepwith those relationships, and
you're the only person who canallow that to happen.
Once again, it's something thatyou need to develop and I had
to go deep with thoserelationships, and you're the
only person who can allow thatto happen.
Once again, it's something thatyou need to develop through
conversation, communication,being put in a right environment
(19:13):
.
It's why our men's circles wereso powerful.
It's why our Strong Men ofValue Academy is so powerful,
because the environment is setup to help men develop in that
way.
And once again, going back tothat program, we can help you
get clear on the self-awareness,the planning, and then the next
phase of that will be like okay, what environment do you need
(19:34):
to be in order to achieve that?
And for the right people whoget accepted, they are welcome
to join the Strong Men of ValueAcademy.
Now I wanna recap the date forone checklist.
So, one, get to know yourself.
Two, make time for yourself.
Three, embrace new experiences.
Four, practice positiveself-talk.
Five, define who you want tobecome.
(19:56):
And six, allow yourself to beseen.
The benefits you're going toexperience as a result of that
is improved self-worth, right.
So it's going to help you withyour decision-making and so many
things in your life, from whatgoals you want to set, what you
want to have on your bucket listand, once again, all of these
things.
I just want to keep recappingit because I am so proud of the
program that I've built.
(20:17):
We help you with all of that.
You literally follow through.
There's no order to go throughit, but if you do that, you're
going to be on top of all ofthat stuff.
Right, you're going to know whatyour next goals are, what you
want to be doing for yourembracing new experience pieces.
Make sure you check that out.
But as a result of getting toknow yourself better and working
on those things.
Your self-esteem and yourrelationship with yourself will
(20:38):
improve, which will have apositive ripple effect into the
areas of your life that matter,so your marriage or your
relationships, the mates thatyou hang around with your work
colleagues and with yourself.
You're going to wake up soproud of who you are, and when
you're proud of who you are, youtake more pride in what you do,
meaning you get better results.
People who are lazy with thingsand don't take pride in what
(21:01):
they do, they don't have enoughself-respect to do that properly
.
That's why this work is soimportant.
Finally, your overall mentaland physical well-being is going
to improve.
When you love someone, you givemore to it.
You foster a more healthyenvironment, and that's what
you're going to be able to do asa man the benefit of you being
your best self and making betterdecisions and building a better
(21:24):
life.
The people that you care aboutmost will get to benefit from
that.
My name's Lachlan Stewart.
Thank you for listening.
I do ask one thing of youbefore you wrap up If you got
value from this episode, pleaseshare it and please be part of
the mission to help more menimprove their quality of life by
building a better relationshipwith themselves.
(21:45):
I know that if you can do that,the quality of life is going to
improve for so many men, andyou guys are going to help me on
this mission.
Finally, make sure you hitsubscribe with whatever platform
you're listening on, and I willsee you next week.
As always, do something todayto be better for tomorrow.
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