This episode could change your relationship with happiness forever. If you’ve ever found yourself saying “I’ll be happy when…” — this conversation is for you. You don’t need more accomplishments, more money, or more time to feel the way you want to feel. You need a new story.
Today, Jerry shares one of the most powerful mindset shifts you’ll ever hear — rooted in neuroscience, behavioral psychology, and real-life transformation.
This is the episode that will help you take your power back.
You’ll learn:
- The psychological trap of “I’ll be happy when…” — and how it’s wired into high achievers
- Why your nervous system resists joy (and what to do about it)
- The story you’ve been telling yourself — and how to rewrite it
- The surprising truth about happiness and your brain’s dopamine system
- A simple exercise to access happiness right now — no external changes needed
- The Camino moment that changed Jerry’s perspective on changing our state — and how you can replicate it in your own life.
Whether you’re burned out, chasing the next goal, or just feeling stuck in your own success — this episode is a wake-up call.
Because happiness isn’t a reward for getting life right.
It’s the fuel that makes life worth living.
🎯 Call to Action:
If this episode resonated, share it with someone who needs to hear it.
And if you’re ready to create a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside, schedule a free strategy call at jerryhenderson.org.
Chapters
00:00 - Welcome to Personal Mastery
01:12 - Why “I’ll Be Happy When…” Is a Lie
03:58 - A True Story About a Terminal Diagnosis and Perspective
06:07 - The Trap of Delaying Happiness
07:46 - What’s Behind the Story? Fear, Unworthiness, and Addiction
09:55 - The Brain Science of Why We Resist Happiness
12:16 - Why Your Inner State Shapes Your Outer Life
14:25 - My Camino Story: How I Learned to Access Joy On-Demand
17:32 - How I Recreated My Happiness State Without Leaving My City
19:26 - You Can Rewire Yourself for Joy
21:06 - Write a New Story: You Deserve to Be Happy Now
22:15 - Final Truth: Your Story Is What’s in the Way
23:24 - Take Action: How to Start Living a Life That Feels Good Now
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
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Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org
🔗 Access the course "Learning How to Love Yourself" here:
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jerry Henderson (00:00):
Hello everybody and welcome to Personal Mastery
.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and if you're ready to create a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside, you're in the rightplace.
Let's get started Now.
I am so excited to welcome youhere today on this first episode
(00:22):
under the new title, personalMastery, and if you're
interested in learning moreabout why we've made this
transition from the Permissionto Love podcast to Personal
Mastery, you can go back andlisten to an episode called
Self-Love, the Root From whichPersonal Mastery Grows.
Now I want to take a moment,and I want to refer to the
tagline of the Personal Masterypodcast, that tagline that you
(00:45):
heard in the beginning, which isabout creating a life that
feels as good on the inside asit looks on the outside.
And that's really what PersonalMastery is about.
It's about doing the inner work, it's about coming to a place
where we have a healthyrelationship with ourselves that
then gets expressed in ourlives, in our other
relationships, in theenvironment that we create,
(01:05):
relationships in the environmentthat we create and, ultimately,
in the life that we createholistically.
So when we talk about personalmastery, I want to invite you to
think about it that way, not asarriving, not as some task to
be done or some skill to simplydevelop, but it truly is about
us mastering our internal world,our mindset, our ability to
(01:28):
have and build resilience, ourability to have healthy
relationships with others andwith ourselves, etc.
And a big part of creating thatlife that feels as good on the
outside as it looks on theinside and doing the work of
personal mastery is realizinghow much choice we have in our
lives, how much choice we haveto be in healthy or unhealthy
(01:49):
relationships to create statesof happiness, of choosing
purpose, of living a life offulfillment and service to
others.
And a lot of personal masteryis realizing that truth that you
have choice, you have agency,and today we're going to talk
about one of those key areaswhere we have more choice, more
(02:10):
agency, than we think we do.
So let me start by asking you aquestion.
Have you ever said to yourselfI'll be happy when fill in the
blank I'll be happy when I getthat job, when I get that guy,
when I get that girl, when I getthat new house.
I'll be happy when I loseweight, when I get in better
shape, when I'm healthy, healedand whole, whatever the story of
(02:34):
when that you have in your head.
I want to invite you andchallenge you, even today, to
consider that that story issimply that it's just a story,
and we have the power to changethe stories that we have.
It's one of the most powerfultruths about us as humans that
(02:55):
we have the power to change andchoose a new story, the story
that we're telling ourselves,where those stories can either
be limiting or those stories canbe expansive.
So let me ask you again what isyour?
I'll be happy when story whatcomes after that phrase for you.
I want you to just take amoment and get it in your mind,
(03:17):
because I'm going to encourageyou to reflect on it throughout
this episode as we challengethat thinking that we all have,
that we all have to figure out away to overcome, and I hope
today's episode is going to helpyou overcome the lie of I'll be
happy when, a few months ago, Iwas sitting with a friend of
mine and we were catching up andthey were reflecting on the
(03:39):
loss of their spouse that hadjust happened eight months ago,
and they were sharing theirstory about when they received
that terminal diagnosis and howtheir spouse was only supposed
to live for a year afterreceiving that diagnosis, but
they wound up living for a totalof four years after receiving
the diagnosis.
And the individual was sharingwith me just how sweet life was
(04:03):
for them.
In the midst of that challenge,in the midst of that heartache
and the reality that they weregoing to lose their spouse, they
were reflecting on how sweet analready healthy relationship
had become over the last fouryears of their relationship
before their spouse's passing.
And I asked them, I said whatmade it so sweet for you?
(04:24):
And as the person shared, theytalked about the reality of the
time being short that they hadwith the person that they loved
so deeply.
They shared how they wanted tosavor the moments that they had.
And it brought the reality ofhow short life really is.
(04:45):
And after they shared that, itreally made me reflect on the
truth that we all have aterminal diagnosis.
It's called being human.
We're all going to die and I'mnot trying to be morbid, but the
truth is we are all going todie, but most of us live like
we're going to live forever.
Die, but most of us live likewe're going to live forever.
(05:07):
And what a terminal diagnosisdoes, or having a terminal
illness is.
It brings that reality home.
It makes it real and peoplestart to live different when
they either receive a terminaldiagnosis or their loved one
becomes aware that they're goingto lose a loved one.
And I walked away from thatmeeting really reflecting on
what would happen if I livedlike I have a terminal diagnosis
(05:31):
or the people in my life who Ilove so deeply had terminal
diagnosis.
Because the fact is we do.
We all have a terminaldiagnosis, as I shared earlier,
and it's called being human.
None of us get to escape thatreality.
None of us have figured it out.
I know there's some people whoare trying to figure it out and
maybe they will someday.
But as of right now, we allhave a terminal diagnosis, but
(05:54):
we forget about it.
We fall asleep to that truthand we go on living our lives
like we have more days, like wehave time to someday give
ourselves the permission to liveour lives.
But the truth is life ishappening right now and the more
we delay our happiness becauseof that story that we've been
(06:16):
talking about I'll be happy whenX, y and Z happens the more
we're ignoring the reality thatlife is short.
We don't know if we're evengoing to get to that finish line
that we think is going to makeus happy, and the whole time
we're letting life pass us byand that story is robbing us
(06:36):
from living in the presentmoment, savoring the people who
are in our lives, and robbing usof true fulfillment and
happiness.
And this is one of the bigchallenges for many high
achievers.
When you're so high achievingoriented, or high performance,
goal oriented, once again, allthat's good, but one thing that
can happen is you can lose sightof the fact that you have the
(06:59):
power to give yourself thepermission to be happy right now
.
So let's revisit that question.
What is your I'll be happy whenstory?
What's holding you back fromgiving yourself the permission
to create a life that feels asgood on the inside as it looks
on the outside?
What's keeping you from takingthe risks that you want, from
(07:21):
starting the business, fromhaving deeper, more loving
relationships, from savoringlife?
What's stopping you fromcreating a life where you feel
like you're thriving, whereyou're truly and deeply happy?
Because here's the real truththat I want you to think about
today is it's not about the I'llbe happy when story.
It's actually a story that wehave subconsciously about
(07:45):
worthiness.
We're finding excuses to keep usfrom being happy because it
doesn't feel safe to be happy.
We might be disappointed, wemight lose the good things that
come in our life, we may notfeel like we deserve happiness.
We have to earn it.
We have to do all of thesethings in order to give
ourselves the permission to behappy.
We might be addicted to thatdopamine cycle where we get more
(08:07):
addicted to the chase than theactual reward.
Now the research shows thisthat we can actually shift our
brain from just being focused inon the reward and we get more
addicted to the behavior than wedo the reward of the behavior.
And so the pursuit and thechase actually becomes the thing
that's giving us all of thedopamine release.
And then, when we actually getthe thing that we want, it
(08:29):
doesn't satisfy and so we feellike we just got to keep running
and gunning and going afterthat next thing.
And in the meantime, we'renever giving ourselves the
permission to enjoy everythingthat's around us.
Once again, big challenge formany high achievers they don't
even give themselves thepermission to enjoy the life
that they've built, becausepausing to savor feels like
(08:51):
we're letting off of the gas andwe're allowing ourselves to
slip back.
Reality is savoring life canbecome fuel for you.
The truth is accessinghappiness.
Self-acceptance becomes a partof what charges our internal
battery and keeps us fromburnout.
And we'll do other episodes onthat later, but for today I want
(09:12):
to ask you the question what'sthe fear behind the story?
I'll be happy when.
What's the pattern behind it?
Is there a sense ofunworthiness?
Is there an addiction to tryingto prove yourself?
Is there a fear that if you getit, it's going to be taken away
?
What makes you believe that youhave to get to a certain place
(09:34):
or earn certain things, orcertain things have to fall in
place before you can havehappiness?
And you might even have thenarrative that other people can
be happy, other people can givethemselves the permission to be
happy, but you got to dosomething to get it, you got to
be somebody before you can haveit.
(09:55):
Can I invite you to consider?
It's a story, it's not truthand it's something that's
creating suffering in your life.
And you have the choice tochoose to be happy.
Happiness is a choice, and Iknow it sounds so cliche, but
here's the truth around a lot ofthings that sound cliche.
They sound that way becausethey're repeated, simple truths.
(10:17):
And we've just found anotherway to dismiss that simple,
repeatable truth by calling it acliche.
Because happiness is a choiceand it doesn't mean that it's an
easy choice.
It just means that it is achoice and the research supports
this.
I love the long-term study thatHarvard University has done.
It has talked about howhappiness is a choice and, yes,
(10:39):
how relationships help supportour happiness and our overall
well-being.
But happiness is a choice and,yes, how relationships help
support our happiness and ouroverall well-being.
But happiness is a choice.
I love the work of SonjaLubomirsky's work on the how of
happiness.
It says that absolutelyevidence-based facts that
happiness is a choice.
And I got to tell you I'vestruggled with this for years.
(11:00):
Been listening to this podcast.
You know my story.
I really struggled with thisfor years Been listening to this
podcast.
You know my story.
I've really struggled with it.
I even got frustrated at onepoint in my life thinking why
the heck do we have to work sohard to be happy?
And for many of us it might bebecause we were born with a
biological set point of a lowerlevel of happiness the way our
brain works, and that's okay.
It doesn't mean that you'restuck there, because there's
(11:20):
things that you can do to learnhow to be more happy, and one of
them, the very first one ofthem, is to realize it is a
choice, that you have agencyover this, that you are not a
victim to your emotional state.
And, as I said, I really havestruggled with that and I still
struggle with reframing in mybrain that there's nothing out
(11:41):
there that's going to make mehappy, that happiness is an
inside job, and I'm so thankfulfor that, because the truth is,
external circumstances changeway too much for us to be
dependent on them for ourhappiness.
I mean, it's a roller coasterof what happens out there.
We don't have control over somany things that we think are
going to make us happy.
We don't have control overwhether or not somebody's going
(12:03):
to stay in a relationship withus.
We don't have control overwhether or not the economy is
going to boom or crash.
We don't have control overwhether or not our company is
going to keep us on or let us go.
We don't have control over somany things.
And yet we put our dependencyfor happiness on all those
externals, when the truth is theone area that we have control
(12:24):
over our inner state is theplace that we often put the
least attention towards, andoften the reason for this is
because we know, eitherconsciously or subconsciously,
that we have that power.
But once again, we don't chooseit because we have these
blockages around happiness, likeI've mentioned before, a fear
that exists within us, a senseof unworthiness, an addiction to
(12:45):
a certain lifestyle or anaddiction to certain states of
being and feeling.
Did you know you can getaddicted to feeling terrible,
you can get addicted to feelingdepressed, you can get addicted
to feeling shame.
And when all of those fears andstories and beliefs and
patterns start to show up in ourlives, we start to sabotage our
happiness and we start to alignour outer world to match our
(13:08):
inner world.
And that's why it's so darnimportant for us to do this
inner work, because your innerworld is going to start to be
reflected in your outer world.
Because what's going on insideof you, the way that you feel
about yourself, what you believeabout yourself, what's going on
on the inside, starts to getmanifested on the outside.
(13:29):
And that's great news, becauseright now, if on the inside it
doesn't feel so good being inthere, you might be manifesting
a lot of things that you don'twant.
Well, if you have the power tocreate that, like I say in my
book, when I realized that I wasthe source of my own suffering,
I also realized that I could bethe source of my own healing.
And this is such an importanttruth for us to hold on to and
(13:51):
to really take ownership of ourinternal state, because when we
don't take ownership of ourinternal state, we're a victim
of everything else.
But when we do take ownershipof our internal state and we do
the work, the practices to helpus shift and help us change
internally, we will begin to seeour outer world change.
It's just a matter of time, butit absolutely will begin to
(14:17):
happen.
And I want to tell you thatyou're worthy of the time and
you're worthy of the work tocreate the life that you
actually want to happen.
And I want to tell you thatyou're worthy of the time and
you're worthy of the work tocreate the life that you
actually want to live.
You know, and speaking of my ownjourney of happiness and
creating internal states, youknow, a year ago I was walking
the Camino de Santiago at thisexact time and if you're not
familiar with the Camino deSantiago.
(14:37):
It's a pilgrimage, it's a walk,it's a time for reflection, to
do deep work or, for some people, just to have an experience.
And all of that's great, it'sbeautiful, and there's many
paths to walk as a part of theCamino de Santiago, but they all
end at the St James Cathedralin Santiago, spain.
Now I chose to walk what isknown as the French Way, which
(14:58):
starts in France and then endsin Santiago, and it's a 500-mile
journey, or 780, 800 kilometerssomewhere around there, and it
took me 30 days to walk thatjourney, and the reason I did it
was because there was a lotgoing on.
I needed to clear my head, I wasmaking some transitions in some
really important areas of mylife and I just needed that
(15:19):
space for solitude, reflectionand deep inner work.
And I have to say it was one ofthe most deeply impactful
journeys of my life, and anytimeI think about it, I immediately
have some very positiveemotions that come up inside of
me, emotions of peace, ofgratitude, of happiness.
I mean.
(15:39):
It absolutely, literallychanges my internal state when I
think about that experience, somuch so that I have this deep
longing to go back and walk itagain or to walk other parts of
the Camino.
And a few weeks ago I wasreflecting on all those feelings
, that experience, and I thoughtyou know what?
I want to go back and I want towalk it again and I want to
walk it with my wife.
(16:00):
As we were talking about it, allof a sudden I was starting to
think about all the plans andeverything that goes into it and
I started to get really excitedand I said you know what?
Let's do it this month, let'sjust take two weeks off and
let's go walk a portion of theCamino together.
Well then, a reality check setmy wife's still finishing a
semester, as she's seeking hermaster's degree in nutrition and
holistic health, and I'm on thelast stretch of my courses this
(16:24):
semester at Harvard University.
And then we have some otherthings that are planned.
And then I realized that, asmuch as I love spontaneous
living, that it wasn't going tobe the wisest decision to drop
everything, rearrange schedulesand then go walk the Camino for
two weeks.
So what I decided to do insteadof going to the Camino was
trying to figure out a way tobring the Camino here to my
(16:45):
neighborhood, because I like togo take walks.
They help me clear my brain,shift my energy.
Those walks become a verycreative space for me, a very
life-giving space for me.
And so I thought let me justsee what happens if I go take a
walk and try to bring the Caminohere.
Because I began to realize andI know this, but it just became
more of a reality to me in thatmoment that I chose the state, I
(17:07):
chose the feelings that I hadwhen I walked the Camino.
I chose to stop, look at trees,watch the animals, practice
mindful breathing, really doinga lot of reflection internally.
I chose that state as I walkedthe Camino.
It wasn't the Camino itself, itwas the choices I was making,
(17:28):
the decisions I was making as Iwas on that journey.
So, with that reminder and thatawareness of that truth, I
decided to put my headphones on,play the same music track that
I listened to when I was walkingthe Camino, and just go take a
walk and try to get into thatstate and that feeling that I
had when I was walking theCamino de Santiago.
And you know what happened?
I was actually able to get intoa very deep state of joy,
(17:54):
gratitude, and I got to say itwas actually overwhelming for me
.
I got overwhelmed emotionally.
I just had to sit down andallow myself to be and
experience what was happening inthat moment.
You know, I think it was sopowerful and overwhelming for a
couple of reasons.
One, because I gave myself thepermission to do it.
I set that intention and Iaccessed some of those things
(18:15):
like the music and then beingpresent and allowing myself to
feel things internally andobserving my environment in a
mindfulness state as I waswalking.
All of that unlocked thatinternal pharmacy that we all
have.
But the other thing that was sopowerful about it was that I
realized once again how muchpower we all have to change our
(18:39):
state, to choose happiness, tochoose to feel good inside here
it's one of the deepest pursuitsof humanity is how do I feel
good in here, how do I feel okaywith me?
And just sitting there in thatmoment, realizing and
reconnecting to the truth that,yes, even though choosing
happiness can feel like worksometimes, it's absolutely worth
(19:01):
the work.
And the other truth about it isthe more that we choose it, the
more that we practice it, themore it becomes a natural part
of who we are.
We can shift to that being ourmore normal state.
Now am I saying that we're justgoing to walk around constantly
happy all the time?
I don't know?
Maybe, but if we don't, let'sat least change the ratio Right
now.
If you're at 70% unhappy, 30%happy, you can change that ratio
(19:26):
.
You can start moving the needle,even if it's 1%, 5%, 10%,
getting a little bit happieralong the journey by realizing
that we don't have to believethe story, that I'll be happy
when you know for me in thatmoment, in that example of the
Camino, it was in my brain thatI'll feel that way when I go
(19:46):
back to the Camino and walk itagain.
But the truth is I can accessit at any moment when I'm
intentional about it.
I do the work to do it and theshift in the emotional state and
the reward of doing thoseactions is so worth the effort
and more than anything, itteaches us how empowered we are,
how much more control we haveover our internal states than we
(20:10):
think we do.
So let me ask you again what isyour?
I'll be happy when story, whatconditions, like the condition
that I placed on, I'll feel thatwhen I go back to the Camino,
what conditions have you placedon your happiness?
I'd invite you to really takesome time to identify it,
(20:31):
because, if that condition isthere, I want to invite you to
explore the fear, the sense ofunworthiness, the patterns that
you have and really identifywhat that story is.
It's just under that story of.
I'll be happy when Identify thestory that's right underneath
that one, take some time towrite it out and then from there
(20:54):
, I'd invite you to write a newstory, a story that says I
deserve happiness because it'smy birthright and because I
choose to be happy.
Because here's the reality abouthappiness we don't simply get
what we deserve, we get what wechoose.
And I want to let you know thatyou deserve happiness.
(21:14):
It is your birthright, it'sthere for you.
You're no different than anyother person.
We all do that thing right.
Well, they can be happy becauseof X, y, z, but I can't because
of A, b, c, all of those thingsthat you might be saying.
They're just stories, andthey're stories that are trying
to protect us, and I want toinvite you to consider writing a
new story that you deservehappiness because it's your
(21:38):
birthright and because youchoose it.
Because here is the truth aboutour internal state, here's the
truth about creating a life thatfeels as good on the inside as
it looks on the outside.
99% of the time, the only thingthat's keeping us from it is
the story that we have.
(21:58):
I'll be happy when XYZ happensI'll give myself permission to
do that when I accomplish 1, 2,3.
I'll feel worthy of it when ABChappens.
It doesn't feel safe to me tobe happy or to thrive because of
1, 2, 3.
What are those stories?
And just like you're choosing toalign your life with those
(22:19):
stories, just like you'rechoosing to align your life with
those stories, you canabsolutely research back
evidence-based and anecdotally.
I've seen it happen in so manypeople's lives.
Choose to align your life withthe new story of I'm going to
choose to be happy, there are noconditions to my happiness.
And if you feel resistancearound that statement, even I
(22:42):
invite you to reflect on thestory that creates that
resistance.
Because, listen, we live in aculture that has wired us to
think that our happiness is inthat new car, that new house,
that new relationship, whateverit is.
Because for some reason, wewant to create a culture, we
want to create a reality thatour happiness is outside of us,
(23:02):
that it's dependent on somethingthat we have to chase or
achieve, but it's not Absolutelyis not.
You have full power to choosehappiness today and start
creating a life that feels asgood on the inside as it looks
on the outside.
Well, that's it for today'sepisode.
(23:24):
Thank you for being here todayand investing in yourself.
I'm so grateful to have you as apart of this community Now.
If you'd like to learn moreabout my coaching program and
the work that I do, you cansimply go to my website at
jerryhendersonorg and whileyou're there, you can set up a
free strategy call where we canconnect and see if working
together is the right fit.
You can also access a link tomy website and to set up that
(23:46):
free strategy call by seeing theshow notes in this episode.
And if you've not yet had achance to follow or subscribe, I
want to invite you to take amoment to do that, so you don't
miss out on a single episode.
Also, if you've not had achance yet to review or to rate
this podcast, it would mean theworld to me, because the more
reviews we get, the more likelypeople are to discover this
(24:07):
podcast and learn the art andscience of personal mastery, and
I want to take a moment andremind you you are worthy of a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside.
Hello everybody and welcome to Personal Mastery
.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and if you're ready to create a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside, you're in the rightplace.
Let's get started Now.
I am so excited to welcome youhere today on this first episode
(00:22):
under the new title, personalMastery, and if you're
interested in learning moreabout why we've made this
transition from the Permissionto Love podcast to Personal
Mastery, you can go back andlisten to an episode called
Self-Love, the Root From whichPersonal Mastery Grows.
Now I want to take a moment,and I want to refer to the
tagline of the Personal Masterypodcast, that tagline that you
(00:45):
heard in the beginning, which isabout creating a life that
feels as good on the inside asit looks on the outside.
And that's really what PersonalMastery is about.
It's about doing the inner work, it's about coming to a place
where we have a healthyrelationship with ourselves that
then gets expressed in ourlives, in our other
relationships, in theenvironment that we create,
(01:05):
relationships in the environmentthat we create and, ultimately,
in the life that we createholistically.
So when we talk about personalmastery, I want to invite you to
think about it that way, not asarriving, not as some task to
be done or some skill to simplydevelop, but it truly is about
us mastering our internal world,our mindset, our ability to
(01:28):
have and build resilience, ourability to have healthy
relationships with others andwith ourselves, etc.
And a big part of creating thatlife that feels as good on the
outside as it looks on theinside and doing the work of
personal mastery is realizinghow much choice we have in our
lives, how much choice we haveto be in healthy or unhealthy
(01:49):
relationships to create statesof happiness, of choosing
purpose, of living a life offulfillment and service to
others.
And a lot of personal masteryis realizing that truth that you
have choice, you have agency,and today we're going to talk
about one of those key areaswhere we have more choice, more
(02:10):
agency, than we think we do.
So let me start by asking you aquestion.
Have you ever said to yourselfI'll be happy when fill in the
blank I'll be happy when I getthat job, when I get that guy,
when I get that girl, when I getthat new house.
I'll be happy when I loseweight, when I get in better
shape, when I'm healthy, healedand whole, whatever the story of
(02:34):
when that you have in your head.
I want to invite you andchallenge you, even today, to
consider that that story issimply that it's just a story,
and we have the power to changethe stories that we have.
It's one of the most powerfultruths about us as humans that
(02:55):
we have the power to change andchoose a new story, the story
that we're telling ourselves,where those stories can either
be limiting or those stories canbe expansive.
So let me ask you again what isyour?
I'll be happy when story whatcomes after that phrase for you.
I want you to just take amoment and get it in your mind,
(03:17):
because I'm going to encourageyou to reflect on it throughout
this episode as we challengethat thinking that we all have,
that we all have to figure out away to overcome, and I hope
today's episode is going to helpyou overcome the lie of I'll be
happy when, a few months ago, Iwas sitting with a friend of
mine and we were catching up andthey were reflecting on the
(03:39):
loss of their spouse that hadjust happened eight months ago,
and they were sharing theirstory about when they received
that terminal diagnosis and howtheir spouse was only supposed
to live for a year afterreceiving that diagnosis, but
they wound up living for a totalof four years after receiving
the diagnosis.
And the individual was sharingwith me just how sweet life was
(04:03):
for them.
In the midst of that challenge,in the midst of that heartache
and the reality that they weregoing to lose their spouse, they
were reflecting on how sweet analready healthy relationship
had become over the last fouryears of their relationship
before their spouse's passing.
And I asked them, I said whatmade it so sweet for you?
(04:24):
And as the person shared, theytalked about the reality of the
time being short that they hadwith the person that they loved
so deeply.
They shared how they wanted tosavor the moments that they had.
And it brought the reality ofhow short life really is.
(04:45):
And after they shared that, itreally made me reflect on the
truth that we all have aterminal diagnosis.
It's called being human.
We're all going to die and I'mnot trying to be morbid, but the
truth is we are all going todie, but most of us live like
we're going to live forever.
Die, but most of us live likewe're going to live forever.
(05:07):
And what a terminal diagnosisdoes, or having a terminal
illness is.
It brings that reality home.
It makes it real and peoplestart to live different when
they either receive a terminaldiagnosis or their loved one
becomes aware that they're goingto lose a loved one.
And I walked away from thatmeeting really reflecting on
what would happen if I livedlike I have a terminal diagnosis
(05:31):
or the people in my life who Ilove so deeply had terminal
diagnosis.
Because the fact is we do.
We all have a terminaldiagnosis, as I shared earlier,
and it's called being human.
None of us get to escape thatreality.
None of us have figured it out.
I know there's some people whoare trying to figure it out and
maybe they will someday.
But as of right now, we allhave a terminal diagnosis, but
(05:54):
we forget about it.
We fall asleep to that truthand we go on living our lives
like we have more days, like wehave time to someday give
ourselves the permission to liveour lives.
But the truth is life ishappening right now and the more
we delay our happiness becauseof that story that we've been
(06:16):
talking about I'll be happy whenX, y and Z happens the more
we're ignoring the reality thatlife is short.
We don't know if we're evengoing to get to that finish line
that we think is going to makeus happy, and the whole time
we're letting life pass us byand that story is robbing us
(06:36):
from living in the presentmoment, savoring the people who
are in our lives, and robbing usof true fulfillment and
happiness.
And this is one of the bigchallenges for many high
achievers.
When you're so high achievingoriented, or high performance,
goal oriented, once again, allthat's good, but one thing that
can happen is you can lose sightof the fact that you have the
(06:59):
power to give yourself thepermission to be happy right now
.
So let's revisit that question.
What is your I'll be happy whenstory?
What's holding you back fromgiving yourself the permission
to create a life that feels asgood on the inside as it looks
on the outside?
What's keeping you from takingthe risks that you want, from
(07:21):
starting the business, fromhaving deeper, more loving
relationships, from savoringlife?
What's stopping you fromcreating a life where you feel
like you're thriving, whereyou're truly and deeply happy?
Because here's the real truththat I want you to think about
today is it's not about the I'llbe happy when story.
It's actually a story that wehave subconsciously about
(07:45):
worthiness.
We're finding excuses to keep usfrom being happy because it
doesn't feel safe to be happy.
We might be disappointed, wemight lose the good things that
come in our life, we may notfeel like we deserve happiness.
We have to earn it.
We have to do all of thesethings in order to give
ourselves the permission to behappy.
We might be addicted to thatdopamine cycle where we get more
(08:07):
addicted to the chase than theactual reward.
Now the research shows thisthat we can actually shift our
brain from just being focused inon the reward and we get more
addicted to the behavior than wedo the reward of the behavior.
And so the pursuit and thechase actually becomes the thing
that's giving us all of thedopamine release.
And then, when we actually getthe thing that we want, it
(08:29):
doesn't satisfy and so we feellike we just got to keep running
and gunning and going afterthat next thing.
And in the meantime, we'renever giving ourselves the
permission to enjoy everythingthat's around us.
Once again, big challenge formany high achievers they don't
even give themselves thepermission to enjoy the life
that they've built, becausepausing to savor feels like
(08:51):
we're letting off of the gas andwe're allowing ourselves to
slip back.
Reality is savoring life canbecome fuel for you.
The truth is accessinghappiness.
Self-acceptance becomes a partof what charges our internal
battery and keeps us fromburnout.
And we'll do other episodes onthat later, but for today I want
(09:12):
to ask you the question what'sthe fear behind the story?
I'll be happy when.
What's the pattern behind it?
Is there a sense ofunworthiness?
Is there an addiction to tryingto prove yourself?
Is there a fear that if you getit, it's going to be taken away
?
What makes you believe that youhave to get to a certain place
(09:34):
or earn certain things, orcertain things have to fall in
place before you can havehappiness?
And you might even have thenarrative that other people can
be happy, other people can givethemselves the permission to be
happy, but you got to dosomething to get it, you got to
be somebody before you can haveit.
(09:55):
Can I invite you to consider?
It's a story, it's not truthand it's something that's
creating suffering in your life.
And you have the choice tochoose to be happy.
Happiness is a choice, and Iknow it sounds so cliche, but
here's the truth around a lot ofthings that sound cliche.
They sound that way becausethey're repeated, simple truths.
(10:17):
And we've just found anotherway to dismiss that simple,
repeatable truth by calling it acliche.
Because happiness is a choiceand it doesn't mean that it's an
easy choice.
It just means that it is achoice and the research supports
this.
I love the long-term study thatHarvard University has done.
It has talked about howhappiness is a choice and, yes,
(10:39):
how relationships help supportour happiness and our overall
well-being.
But happiness is a choice and,yes, how relationships help
support our happiness and ouroverall well-being.
But happiness is a choice.
I love the work of SonjaLubomirsky's work on the how of
happiness.
It says that absolutelyevidence-based facts that
happiness is a choice.
And I got to tell you I'vestruggled with this for years.
(11:00):
Been listening to this podcast.
You know my story.
I really struggled with thisfor years Been listening to this
podcast.
You know my story.
I've really struggled with it.
I even got frustrated at onepoint in my life thinking why
the heck do we have to work sohard to be happy?
And for many of us it might bebecause we were born with a
biological set point of a lowerlevel of happiness the way our
brain works, and that's okay.
It doesn't mean that you'restuck there, because there's
(11:20):
things that you can do to learnhow to be more happy, and one of
them, the very first one ofthem, is to realize it is a
choice, that you have agencyover this, that you are not a
victim to your emotional state.
And, as I said, I really havestruggled with that and I still
struggle with reframing in mybrain that there's nothing out
(11:41):
there that's going to make mehappy, that happiness is an
inside job, and I'm so thankfulfor that, because the truth is,
external circumstances changeway too much for us to be
dependent on them for ourhappiness.
I mean, it's a roller coasterof what happens out there.
We don't have control over somany things that we think are
going to make us happy.
We don't have control overwhether or not somebody's going
(12:03):
to stay in a relationship withus.
We don't have control overwhether or not the economy is
going to boom or crash.
We don't have control overwhether or not our company is
going to keep us on or let us go.
We don't have control over somany things.
And yet we put our dependencyfor happiness on all those
externals, when the truth is theone area that we have control
(12:24):
over our inner state is theplace that we often put the
least attention towards, andoften the reason for this is
because we know, eitherconsciously or subconsciously,
that we have that power.
But once again, we don't chooseit because we have these
blockages around happiness, likeI've mentioned before, a fear
that exists within us, a senseof unworthiness, an addiction to
(12:45):
a certain lifestyle or anaddiction to certain states of
being and feeling.
Did you know you can getaddicted to feeling terrible,
you can get addicted to feelingdepressed, you can get addicted
to feeling shame.
And when all of those fears andstories and beliefs and
patterns start to show up in ourlives, we start to sabotage our
happiness and we start to alignour outer world to match our
(13:08):
inner world.
And that's why it's so darnimportant for us to do this
inner work, because your innerworld is going to start to be
reflected in your outer world.
Because what's going on insideof you, the way that you feel
about yourself, what you believeabout yourself, what's going on
on the inside, starts to getmanifested on the outside.
(13:29):
And that's great news, becauseright now, if on the inside it
doesn't feel so good being inthere, you might be manifesting
a lot of things that you don'twant.
Well, if you have the power tocreate that, like I say in my
book, when I realized that I wasthe source of my own suffering,
I also realized that I could bethe source of my own healing.
And this is such an importanttruth for us to hold on to and
(13:51):
to really take ownership of ourinternal state, because when we
don't take ownership of ourinternal state, we're a victim
of everything else.
But when we do take ownershipof our internal state and we do
the work, the practices to helpus shift and help us change
internally, we will begin to seeour outer world change.
It's just a matter of time, butit absolutely will begin to
(14:17):
happen.
And I want to tell you thatyou're worthy of the time and
you're worthy of the work tocreate the life that you
actually want to happen.
And I want to tell you thatyou're worthy of the time and
you're worthy of the work tocreate the life that you
actually want to live.
You know, and speaking of my ownjourney of happiness and
creating internal states, youknow, a year ago I was walking
the Camino de Santiago at thisexact time and if you're not
familiar with the Camino deSantiago.
(14:37):
It's a pilgrimage, it's a walk,it's a time for reflection, to
do deep work or, for some people, just to have an experience.
And all of that's great, it'sbeautiful, and there's many
paths to walk as a part of theCamino de Santiago, but they all
end at the St James Cathedralin Santiago, spain.
Now I chose to walk what isknown as the French Way, which
(14:58):
starts in France and then endsin Santiago, and it's a 500-mile
journey, or 780, 800 kilometerssomewhere around there, and it
took me 30 days to walk thatjourney, and the reason I did it
was because there was a lotgoing on.
I needed to clear my head, I wasmaking some transitions in some
really important areas of mylife and I just needed that
(15:19):
space for solitude, reflectionand deep inner work.
And I have to say it was one ofthe most deeply impactful
journeys of my life, and anytimeI think about it, I immediately
have some very positiveemotions that come up inside of
me, emotions of peace, ofgratitude, of happiness.
I mean.
(15:39):
It absolutely, literallychanges my internal state when I
think about that experience, somuch so that I have this deep
longing to go back and walk itagain or to walk other parts of
the Camino.
And a few weeks ago I wasreflecting on all those feelings
, that experience, and I thoughtyou know what?
I want to go back and I want towalk it again and I want to
walk it with my wife.
(16:00):
As we were talking about it, allof a sudden I was starting to
think about all the plans andeverything that goes into it and
I started to get really excitedand I said you know what?
Let's do it this month, let'sjust take two weeks off and
let's go walk a portion of theCamino together.
Well then, a reality check setmy wife's still finishing a
semester, as she's seeking hermaster's degree in nutrition and
holistic health, and I'm on thelast stretch of my courses this
(16:24):
semester at Harvard University.
And then we have some otherthings that are planned.
And then I realized that, asmuch as I love spontaneous
living, that it wasn't going tobe the wisest decision to drop
everything, rearrange schedulesand then go walk the Camino for
two weeks.
So what I decided to do insteadof going to the Camino was
trying to figure out a way tobring the Camino here to my
(16:45):
neighborhood, because I like togo take walks.
They help me clear my brain,shift my energy.
Those walks become a verycreative space for me, a very
life-giving space for me.
And so I thought let me justsee what happens if I go take a
walk and try to bring the Caminohere.
Because I began to realize andI know this, but it just became
more of a reality to me in thatmoment that I chose the state, I
(17:07):
chose the feelings that I hadwhen I walked the Camino.
I chose to stop, look at trees,watch the animals, practice
mindful breathing, really doinga lot of reflection internally.
I chose that state as I walkedthe Camino.
It wasn't the Camino itself, itwas the choices I was making,
(17:28):
the decisions I was making as Iwas on that journey.
So, with that reminder and thatawareness of that truth, I
decided to put my headphones on,play the same music track that
I listened to when I was walkingthe Camino, and just go take a
walk and try to get into thatstate and that feeling that I
had when I was walking theCamino de Santiago.
And you know what happened?
I was actually able to get intoa very deep state of joy,
(17:54):
gratitude, and I got to say itwas actually overwhelming for me
.
I got overwhelmed emotionally.
I just had to sit down andallow myself to be and
experience what was happening inthat moment.
You know, I think it was sopowerful and overwhelming for a
couple of reasons.
One, because I gave myself thepermission to do it.
I set that intention and Iaccessed some of those things
(18:15):
like the music and then beingpresent and allowing myself to
feel things internally andobserving my environment in a
mindfulness state as I waswalking.
All of that unlocked thatinternal pharmacy that we all
have.
But the other thing that was sopowerful about it was that I
realized once again how muchpower we all have to change our
(18:39):
state, to choose happiness, tochoose to feel good inside here
it's one of the deepest pursuitsof humanity is how do I feel
good in here, how do I feel okaywith me?
And just sitting there in thatmoment, realizing and
reconnecting to the truth that,yes, even though choosing
happiness can feel like worksometimes, it's absolutely worth
(19:01):
the work.
And the other truth about it isthe more that we choose it, the
more that we practice it, themore it becomes a natural part
of who we are.
We can shift to that being ourmore normal state.
Now am I saying that we're justgoing to walk around constantly
happy all the time?
I don't know?
Maybe, but if we don't, let'sat least change the ratio Right
now.
If you're at 70% unhappy, 30%happy, you can change that ratio
(19:26):
.
You can start moving the needle,even if it's 1%, 5%, 10%,
getting a little bit happieralong the journey by realizing
that we don't have to believethe story, that I'll be happy
when you know for me in thatmoment, in that example of the
Camino, it was in my brain thatI'll feel that way when I go
(19:46):
back to the Camino and walk itagain.
But the truth is I can accessit at any moment when I'm
intentional about it.
I do the work to do it and theshift in the emotional state and
the reward of doing thoseactions is so worth the effort
and more than anything, itteaches us how empowered we are,
how much more control we haveover our internal states than we
(20:10):
think we do.
So let me ask you again what isyour?
I'll be happy when story, whatconditions, like the condition
that I placed on, I'll feel thatwhen I go back to the Camino,
what conditions have you placedon your happiness?
I'd invite you to really takesome time to identify it,
(20:31):
because, if that condition isthere, I want to invite you to
explore the fear, the sense ofunworthiness, the patterns that
you have and really identifywhat that story is.
It's just under that story of.
I'll be happy when Identify thestory that's right underneath
that one, take some time towrite it out and then from there
(20:54):
, I'd invite you to write a newstory, a story that says I
deserve happiness because it'smy birthright and because I
choose to be happy.
Because here's the reality abouthappiness we don't simply get
what we deserve, we get what wechoose.
And I want to let you know thatyou deserve happiness.
(21:14):
It is your birthright, it'sthere for you.
You're no different than anyother person.
We all do that thing right.
Well, they can be happy becauseof X, y, z, but I can't because
of A, b, c, all of those thingsthat you might be saying.
They're just stories, andthey're stories that are trying
to protect us, and I want toinvite you to consider writing a
new story that you deservehappiness because it's your
(21:38):
birthright and because youchoose it.
Because here is the truth aboutour internal state, here's the
truth about creating a life thatfeels as good on the inside as
it looks on the outside.
99% of the time, the only thingthat's keeping us from it is
the story that we have.
(21:58):
I'll be happy when XYZ happensI'll give myself permission to
do that when I accomplish 1, 2,3.
I'll feel worthy of it when ABChappens.
It doesn't feel safe to me tobe happy or to thrive because of
1, 2, 3.
What are those stories?
And just like you're choosing toalign your life with those
(22:19):
stories, just like you'rechoosing to align your life with
those stories, you canabsolutely research back
evidence-based and anecdotally.
I've seen it happen in so manypeople's lives.
Choose to align your life withthe new story of I'm going to
choose to be happy, there are noconditions to my happiness.
And if you feel resistancearound that statement, even I
(22:42):
invite you to reflect on thestory that creates that
resistance.
Because, listen, we live in aculture that has wired us to
think that our happiness is inthat new car, that new house,
that new relationship, whateverit is.
Because for some reason, wewant to create a culture, we
want to create a reality thatour happiness is outside of us,
(23:02):
that it's dependent on somethingthat we have to chase or
achieve, but it's not Absolutelyis not.
You have full power to choosehappiness today and start
creating a life that feels asgood on the inside as it looks
on the outside.
Well, that's it for today'sepisode.
(23:24):
Thank you for being here todayand investing in yourself.
I'm so grateful to have you as apart of this community Now.
If you'd like to learn moreabout my coaching program and
the work that I do, you cansimply go to my website at
jerryhendersonorg and whileyou're there, you can set up a
free strategy call where we canconnect and see if working
together is the right fit.
You can also access a link tomy website and to set up that
(23:46):
free strategy call by seeing theshow notes in this episode.
And if you've not yet had achance to follow or subscribe, I
want to invite you to take amoment to do that, so you don't
miss out on a single episode.
Also, if you've not had achance yet to review or to rate
this podcast, it would mean theworld to me, because the more
reviews we get, the more likelypeople are to discover this
(24:07):
podcast and learn the art andscience of personal mastery, and
I want to take a moment andremind you you are worthy of a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside.
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